1
00:00:02,003 --> 00:00:03,254
Hey, sir.

2
00:00:03,337 --> 00:00:05,882
Duane Bailey, running
for town council reelection.

3
00:00:05,965 --> 00:00:08,259
Oh, don't look. There's
that jerk Duane Bailey.

4
00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:09,510
Oh, yuck.

5
00:00:09,594 --> 00:00:11,238
I should say something
to him, shouldn't I?

6
00:00:11,262 --> 00:00:13,347
I gotta be honest. I was
just working off your tone.

7
00:00:13,431 --> 00:00:15,033
Who's Duane Bailey,
and why do we hate him?

8
00:00:15,057 --> 00:00:18,436
Honey, he's that councilman who
shot down my stop sign. Big phony.

9
00:00:18,561 --> 00:00:20,146
[ Phil] Yeah. Hey. Duane Bailey,

10
00:00:20,229 --> 00:00:21,814
seeking reelection,
town council.

11
00:00:21,898 --> 00:00:24,058
Hoping I can count on your
vote. Well, you just got it.

12
00:00:24,108 --> 00:00:25,108
Phil.

13
00:00:25,151 --> 00:00:27,153
You don't remember
meeting me, do you?

14
00:00:27,236 --> 00:00:30,198
Claire Dunphy. Last
month's town council meeting?

15
00:00:30,281 --> 00:00:33,201
Oh, yes, I do.
Yes, I remember you.

16
00:00:33,284 --> 00:00:35,745
[ Booming voice]
“I want a stop sign.”

17
00:00:35,828 --> 00:00:38,581
[ Chuckles ] Just having
fun. Here. Have a pen.

18
00:00:39,790 --> 00:00:43,377
“Duane Bailey. Councilman.
Citizen. Puggle breeder.”

19
00:00:43,461 --> 00:00:46,422
I love them because they're
a different mix of breeds.

20
00:00:46,505 --> 00:00:48,257
Just like america.

21
00:00:48,341 --> 00:00:50,736
- I like what he's saying, Claire.
- He isn't saying anything.

22
00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:53,346
He is. We need a stop
sign at our intersection.

23
00:00:53,429 --> 00:00:54,889
Everyone says that,

24
00:00:54,972 --> 00:00:57,391
but pretty soon, we're stopping
at every single corner.

25
00:00:57,475 --> 00:00:59,685
Why don't you go ask Canada
how that's working out?

26
00:00:59,769 --> 00:01:02,480
Hi. Duane Bailey. Hi. Nailed it.

27
00:01:03,814 --> 00:01:05,691
“Actor—writer—director
who packs a punch.”

28
00:01:05,816 --> 00:01:08,176
Oh, Sylvester Stallone. I
said it first. Sylvester Stallone.

29
00:01:09,654 --> 00:01:12,281
Oh, my god. This guy
brought his kids, Mitchell.

30
00:01:12,365 --> 00:01:15,243
My god. To this movie? Isn't it
supposed to be super violent?

31
00:01:15,326 --> 00:01:17,370
I'm sorry.
I don't mean to overstep,

32
00:01:17,453 --> 00:01:20,164
but I don't know that this movie
is really appropriate for children.

33
00:01:20,248 --> 00:01:23,209
I'm terrified to see it. That's
why we're here during the day.

34
00:01:23,292 --> 00:01:25,503
It's okay. We're good.

35
00:01:26,379 --> 00:01:28,297
Okay. I tried.

36
00:01:28,381 --> 00:01:30,383
Yeah. All you can do.

37
00:01:31,342 --> 00:01:33,094
You know, I've read this book,

38
00:01:33,177 --> 00:01:36,305
and I know what's gonna
happen, and it's very disturbing.

39
00:01:36,389 --> 00:01:39,159
I really think you might be inviting
some pretty serious nightmares here.

40
00:01:39,183 --> 00:01:42,061
Hey, buddy,
they're my kids. I got it.

41
00:01:42,186 --> 00:01:45,439
Yeah, but I don't think you do. Cam.
Cam. He says he's got it, all right?

42
00:01:45,523 --> 00:01:48,693
You've said your piece.
Just watch the movie.

43
00:01:49,819 --> 00:01:50,945
Oh, uh, Gwyneth Paltrow.

44
00:01:51,028 --> 00:01:53,281
I really must insist you
not traumatize your kids...

45
00:01:53,406 --> 00:01:55,467
By exposing them to gratuitous
violence— cam. Stop it.

46
00:01:55,491 --> 00:01:56,951
And graphic depictions of—
Shh, shh.

47
00:01:57,034 --> 00:01:58,744
Daddy, I'm scared.

48
00:01:58,828 --> 00:02:00,889
- — Yeah, well, you're gonna be.
- I'm gonna tell you one more time.

49
00:02:00,913 --> 00:02:02,999
No, I'm gonna tell you
one more time. Okay.

50
00:02:03,082 --> 00:02:05,084
It was the muppet movie.

51
00:02:05,167 --> 00:02:07,420
We were in the wrong theater.

52
00:02:08,754 --> 00:02:11,799
Enjoy the show. I was
always a fan of the muppets,

53
00:02:11,882 --> 00:02:13,860
especially the two guys in the
theater who wouldn't shut up.

54
00:02:13,884 --> 00:02:15,052
Just leave!

55
00:02:15,886 --> 00:02:17,763
,/' hey, heyj

56
00:02:17,847 --> 00:02:19,849
,/' hey, heyj

57
00:02:19,932 --> 00:02:21,976
,/' hey, heyj

58
00:02:22,059 --> 00:02:23,936
,/' hey, heyj

59
00:02:24,020 --> 00:02:25,187
j“ hey if

60
00:02:26,981 --> 00:02:28,274
[beeps]

61
00:02:29,150 --> 00:02:30,359
[ Ringing] [Beeps]

62
00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:31,902
Hello? [ Jay]
/'/77 running late.

63
00:02:31,986 --> 00:02:34,447
This knucklehead's kept
me waiting for over an hour.

64
00:02:34,530 --> 00:02:37,283
I never had to wait like this
when his dad was running things.

65
00:02:37,366 --> 00:02:39,452
Yeah. And soda was a nickel.

66
00:02:39,535 --> 00:02:41,829
Just tell him
that your family is coming over.

67
00:02:41,912 --> 00:02:44,552
This guy fired his own father.
He's not gonna care about my family.

68
00:02:44,582 --> 00:02:47,585
Okay, then just leave.
You don't need his money.

69
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:51,088
Once a week, I have eight family
members coming to my house for free food.

70
00:02:51,172 --> 00:02:53,132
I'm not going anywhere. Okay

71
00:02:53,215 --> 00:02:55,051
I see you when I see you.

72
00:02:55,176 --> 00:02:56,677
[Manny sighs] [ Beeps ]

73
00:02:58,012 --> 00:02:59,722
Are you okay? What is wrong?

74
00:02:59,847 --> 00:03:02,475
I wanna be homeschooled.
Really, Manny?

75
00:03:02,558 --> 00:03:04,852
Do you want me
to learn you English?

76
00:03:04,935 --> 00:03:06,687
What is going on?

77
00:03:06,771 --> 00:03:09,833
I have a big report due in. The teachers
don't seem to care about the substance.

78
00:03:09,857 --> 00:03:11,776
All they care about is the flash.

79
00:03:11,859 --> 00:03:14,403
Manny, sometimes you can be
a little bit old-fashioned.

80
00:03:14,487 --> 00:03:17,948
Remember the first time you saw the
kids with the backpacks with wheels...

81
00:03:18,032 --> 00:03:20,201
And you thought
they were too flashy?

82
00:03:20,284 --> 00:03:22,495
You're going to school,
not boarding a flight to Denver.

83
00:03:22,578 --> 00:03:26,374
It's getting absurd. Reuben freestyle—rapped
his report on Irish immigrants.

84
00:03:26,457 --> 00:03:30,211
That doesn't even make sense.
Maybe you do a riverdance. Maybe.

85
00:03:30,336 --> 00:03:32,755
What is your report on?
The mafia.

86
00:03:32,838 --> 00:03:36,050
Perfect.
We do a papier-maché Tommy gun.

87
00:03:36,133 --> 00:03:37,885
No, we shouldn't have
to jazz it up.

88
00:03:37,968 --> 00:03:41,389
Then we go upstairs and we get your
old rocking horse and we chop the head off.

89
00:03:41,472 --> 00:03:44,475
No, that's a terrible idea.
I love brownie.

90
00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:47,770
Do you want to send
a message or not?

91
00:03:47,853 --> 00:03:50,356
Jay never wants me
to help him with his business.

92
00:03:50,439 --> 00:03:53,609
And now suddenly, Manny
doesn't want to listen to me either.

93
00:03:53,692 --> 00:03:55,403
It's very frustrating.

94
00:03:55,486 --> 00:03:57,488
I have all the answers.

95
00:03:57,613 --> 00:03:59,782
[ Knocking ] Hey, here he is!

96
00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:02,159
Hey, bring it in, Jay.
How you doing, joshie?

97
00:04:02,243 --> 00:04:04,412
It's Josh now. Have a seat.

98
00:04:04,495 --> 00:04:06,705
Ah. All right.

99
00:04:06,789 --> 00:04:09,792
So, I flipped through your
proposal, and here's the thing.

100
00:04:09,875 --> 00:04:12,753
We're about to build our largest
luxury condo complex yet,

101
00:04:12,837 --> 00:04:14,713
and I have
an important question for you.

102
00:04:14,797 --> 00:04:16,882
What is it you wanna build?

103
00:04:18,843 --> 00:04:20,094
Closets.

104
00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:22,888
See, I was kinda hoping
you'd say dreams.

105
00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:25,474
Thought that was implied.
[Laughs]

106
00:04:25,558 --> 00:04:28,269
Jay, I'm looking for closets
nobody's ever seen before.

107
00:04:28,352 --> 00:04:30,813
You know, a big “wow!”
you know what I'm saying?

108
00:04:30,896 --> 00:04:34,817
You want a nice closet with sharp design,
quality materials and expert craftsmanship.

109
00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:38,446
Uh, I mean, I want it
to be like— bam!

110
00:04:38,529 --> 00:04:42,908
You know, people are gonna walk in
there and go, “whoa! What do I hang first?”

111
00:04:42,992 --> 00:04:45,494
I wanted to hang myself.

112
00:04:45,578 --> 00:04:47,705
Let's talk more specific.

113
00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:49,748
What exactly do you like,
and what don't you like?

114
00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:51,292
All right, fair enough.

115
00:04:51,375 --> 00:04:54,795
Uh, I don't like this.
This makes me sad.

116
00:04:54,879 --> 00:04:58,090
I do like getting my mind blown.

117
00:04:58,174 --> 00:05:00,009
I love your enthusiasm.

118
00:05:00,092 --> 00:05:04,138
Uh, before I go off in the wrong
direction, how about an example?

119
00:05:04,221 --> 00:05:07,141
All right, check this out. So three
weeks ago, I'm down in south beach.

120
00:05:07,224 --> 00:05:09,268
I walk into this thumpin' club.

121
00:05:09,351 --> 00:05:13,689
Bartender says, “what do you
wanna drink?” I say, “wow me.”

122
00:05:13,772 --> 00:05:18,110
He mixes this thing together. I take
one sip, and I'm like, “hello, nurse!”

123
00:05:18,194 --> 00:05:20,946
And she's like, “you've
been unconscious for two days.”

124
00:05:21,030 --> 00:05:22,948
That's what I want in a closet.

125
00:05:24,575 --> 00:05:27,077
I don't think
I need to hear any more.

126
00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:33,000
What you doing there, homework?

127
00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:35,669
- — What do you want?
- I need to borrow some money.

128
00:05:35,753 --> 00:05:37,254
It's really important.

129
00:05:37,338 --> 00:05:38,631
How much?

130
00:05:38,714 --> 00:05:40,299
$900.

131
00:05:40,424 --> 00:05:42,176
What? Come on.

132
00:05:42,259 --> 00:05:45,429
If you were in trouble,
I would do anything for you.

133
00:05:45,513 --> 00:05:48,182
We're not just sisters.

134
00:05:48,265 --> 00:05:50,392
We're best friends.

135
00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:55,314
Look, I would if! Could,
but I don't have any money.

136
00:05:55,397 --> 00:05:57,024
And since we're talking,

137
00:05:57,107 --> 00:05:59,443
I— I've never told anyone
this before, and it...

138
00:06:00,903 --> 00:06:04,156
Wipe that smug smile
off his stupid face.

139
00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:05,699
His face is stupid.

140
00:06:05,783 --> 00:06:09,245
Oh, I can't believe ridiculous
people like him end up in office.

141
00:06:09,328 --> 00:06:11,288
Well, why don't you run?

142
00:06:11,372 --> 00:06:13,374
You're smart.
You care about the community.

143
00:06:13,457 --> 00:06:16,293
And you're easy on the eyes
when you put a little effort into it.

144
00:06:16,377 --> 00:06:17,920
- — Are you serious?
- Yeah.

145
00:06:18,003 --> 00:06:20,607
Maybe change out of the sweaty
gym clothes every once in a while...

146
00:06:20,631 --> 00:06:24,260
But you were talking about
running for office. Go on.

147
00:06:24,343 --> 00:06:26,387
I'd be lying if! Said
I'd never thought about it.

148
00:06:26,470 --> 00:06:28,472
I know it's a ridiculous
little local thing,

149
00:06:28,556 --> 00:06:31,058
but it might be fun to
get out there and contribute.

150
00:06:31,141 --> 00:06:32,768
Plus I think I'd be good at it.

151
00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:34,395
You'd be great. Mmm.

152
00:06:34,478 --> 00:06:37,731
How would this work? Who would
be here for the kids after school?

153
00:06:37,815 --> 00:06:40,025
Who would take them
to practice and recitals...

154
00:06:40,109 --> 00:06:42,486
And keep them from
burning the house down?

155
00:06:42,570 --> 00:06:45,030
It must be so hard
being a single mom.

156
00:06:45,155 --> 00:06:47,491
Claire, I will. Oh...

157
00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:51,263
If you wanna fly, I'm not gonna
hold your feet to the ground.

158
00:06:51,287 --> 00:06:54,373
Hmm. I wanna be the
one to push you off the cliff.

159
00:06:55,291 --> 00:06:58,002
I think I'm gonna do it. Great.

160
00:06:58,127 --> 00:06:59,545
Gofly pm”

161
00:06:59,670 --> 00:07:01,130
no. Phil!

162
00:07:02,423 --> 00:07:04,675
I'll admit it.
I'm turned on by powerful women.

163
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:08,762
Michelle Obama, Oprah,
condoleezza rice, Serena Williams...

164
00:07:08,846 --> 00:07:10,389
Wait a minute.

165
00:07:14,393 --> 00:07:16,520
Do you want a fry?
No, I can't eat.

166
00:07:16,604 --> 00:07:18,355
We should've stayed
to see the muppets.

167
00:07:18,439 --> 00:07:20,441
I can't even look at ketchup
without seeing blood.

168
00:07:20,524 --> 00:07:22,818
Oh, runaway curly fry.
You know, these are good luck.

169
00:07:24,403 --> 00:07:25,613
[ Tires screech ]

170
00:07:25,696 --> 00:07:26,864
Mmm! Oh!

171
00:07:26,989 --> 00:07:28,949
Oh, my god. What was
that? We just got rear-ended.

172
00:07:28,991 --> 00:07:31,219
Well, pull off to the side
street. Pull off to the side street.

173
00:07:31,243 --> 00:07:34,038
Oh! Are you okay? Oh, I think I cut
the roof of my mouth on the straw.

174
00:07:34,163 --> 00:07:36,081
Oh, my god. Mmm! So yes.

175
00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:40,502
[ Mitchell ] Oh,
boy. I'm so sorry.

176
00:07:40,586 --> 00:07:42,671
This is all my fault.
You guys okay?

177
00:07:42,755 --> 00:07:45,549
Well— well, I—I sustained
a minor mouth injury.

178
00:07:45,674 --> 00:07:48,469
We're fine, thank you. [
Man ] Look, I feel terrible.

179
00:07:48,552 --> 00:07:50,113
Don't worry. I'm gonna
take care of everything.

180
00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:51,513
Let me just get
my insurance info.

181
00:07:51,639 --> 00:07:53,098
Thank you. [ Mouths words]

182
00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:54,683
Well, he seems nice. Yeah.

183
00:07:54,767 --> 00:07:57,519
If this were a romantic comedy,
this would be our meet—cute.

184
00:07:57,603 --> 00:08:01,357
We'd spend the rest of the afternoon
drinking wine, eating food, flying a kite,

185
00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:02,941
you know, doing montage-y stuff.

186
00:08:03,067 --> 00:08:05,903
Am I in this movie of yours?
Yeah, you're the gay best friend.

187
00:08:06,028 --> 00:08:07,613
[Tires squealing] Oh, my god!

188
00:08:07,738 --> 00:08:10,449
Oh, my god! We got a runner!
Um, it's d-1— I can't read it.

189
00:08:10,532 --> 00:08:12,326
- — Let's go! Let's go!
- Go where?

190
00:08:12,409 --> 00:08:14,304
- — We have to chase him down!
- You're not supposed to.

191
00:08:14,328 --> 00:08:16,330
Help! Stop that car!

192
00:08:16,413 --> 00:08:18,415
He's getting away! Help!

193
00:08:18,499 --> 00:08:21,335
You almost got him, cam.
You almost got him.

194
00:08:21,418 --> 00:08:23,253
He's getting away!

195
00:08:25,381 --> 00:08:28,092
Hey. What you doing, playing?

196
00:08:28,926 --> 00:08:30,219
Yeah.

197
00:08:30,302 --> 00:08:32,721
Do you have any money saved up?

198
00:08:33,764 --> 00:08:35,766
I'm comfortable.

199
00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:40,104
I've saved $1,217.
It wasn't even that hard.

200
00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:42,356
Don't forget your lunch.

201
00:08:42,439 --> 00:08:44,733
Thanks, mom.

202
00:08:44,817 --> 00:08:46,777
Don't forget
your lunch money, buddy.

203
00:08:46,902 --> 00:08:48,904
Thanks, dad. You bet.

204
00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:55,536
Please. It's really important.

205
00:08:55,619 --> 00:08:59,790
Look, I'd love to help you out,
but I'm not very liquid right now.

206
00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:01,625
It's in a block of ice.

207
00:09:01,709 --> 00:09:06,422
I got the idea when / heard
about rich guys with frozen assets.

208
00:09:06,505 --> 00:09:07,715
[ Chuckles ]

209
00:09:07,798 --> 00:09:09,633
“Ass—ets.”

210
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:14,555
I am running for town council,

211
00:09:14,638 --> 00:09:17,307
and I understand
that I can pick up a form here.

212
00:09:17,391 --> 00:09:20,310
Fourth floor.
Elevator down the hall.

213
00:09:20,394 --> 00:09:22,980
Beyoncé, when'd you
start working here? [Laughs]

214
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:26,608
Oh, Duane. He's always
saying stuff like that.

215
00:09:26,692 --> 00:09:28,444
Duane Bailey.
Running for reelection.

216
00:09:28,527 --> 00:09:29,820
You're joking.

217
00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,822
I just saw you in the
parking lot two hours ago.

218
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,240
Oh!

219
00:09:33,323 --> 00:09:37,119
Hey, it's you. Oh, it's you.
What are you doing here?

220
00:09:37,202 --> 00:09:41,415
I am entering the race for town
council, and I am running against you.

221
00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:43,584
Oh. Well, don't you have pluck.

222
00:09:43,667 --> 00:09:46,128
No, I plan on winning, so—
Yeah, I bet you do.

223
00:09:46,211 --> 00:09:48,714
Marsha! Rockin'
the bangs. Loveit

224
00:09:48,797 --> 00:09:51,341
do you know why, of all the
dogs in the world, I breed puggles?

225
00:09:51,425 --> 00:09:53,987
Why do I feel like this is a rhetorical
question, and you're about to lau...

226
00:09:54,011 --> 00:09:55,637
It's because
they're lovable, yes,

227
00:09:55,721 --> 00:10:00,184
but they're also tenacious hunters
who won't quit until the kill is complete.

228
00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:02,311
Really? 'Cause I feel
like they just yip a lot.

229
00:10:02,394 --> 00:10:04,313
Look, lady, you're going down.

230
00:10:04,396 --> 00:10:07,691
I've won six straight elections. I don't
plan on losing to some bored housewife.

231
00:10:07,775 --> 00:10:11,570
So don't quit
your lack of a day job.

232
00:10:11,653 --> 00:10:13,322
Excuse me!

233
00:10:13,405 --> 00:10:16,116
Excuse me! I—
[Cell phone ringing]

234
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:17,576
Excuse me.

235
00:10:17,659 --> 00:10:19,953
[Beeps] Heho?

236
00:10:20,037 --> 00:10:21,079
Anne?

237
00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:24,416
[Whispering ] Haley did that?

238
00:10:24,500 --> 00:10:26,835
Oh, god. Okay, um...

239
00:10:26,919 --> 00:10:29,338
Fhcahyourmhtback [beeps]

240
00:10:29,421 --> 00:10:33,801
For your information, sir,
I am no bored housewife.

241
00:10:33,884 --> 00:10:37,346
I—I would kill for bored.
Why isn't this lighting up?

242
00:10:37,429 --> 00:10:41,141
Oh, it's because
it's staff only. The, uh...

243
00:10:41,225 --> 00:10:45,354
Here. Allow me to...
Not get that for you.

244
00:10:45,437 --> 00:10:47,356
Good luck!

245
00:10:50,859 --> 00:10:52,736
Dad, I cut my arm.

246
00:10:52,820 --> 00:10:54,822
Oh, wow. You sure did, buddy.

247
00:10:54,947 --> 00:10:57,199
I'll get you fixed up. Ow.

248
00:10:57,282 --> 00:10:58,367
Where's mom?

249
00:10:58,450 --> 00:11:00,410
She belongs to the people now.

250
00:11:00,494 --> 00:11:03,038
[ Coughing ] My allergies
are acting up again.

251
00:11:03,121 --> 00:11:05,707
Well, it is your lucky day,

252
00:11:05,791 --> 00:11:10,838
because, missy, Dr. Dad
has everything you need.

253
00:11:10,921 --> 00:11:14,925
Behold the healing powers
of grape flavoring.

254
00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:17,135
- Where's mom?
- Some people took her.

255
00:11:17,219 --> 00:11:18,929
Drink this. Listen, guys.

256
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:23,475
Your mom is taking on more
responsibilities outside of the house.

257
00:11:23,559 --> 00:11:26,645
But don't you worry. Good old...

258
00:11:26,770 --> 00:11:28,856
Oh, my goodness! Ow!

259
00:11:28,981 --> 00:11:31,733
I'm so sorry. You punched me.

260
00:11:31,817 --> 00:11:33,944
Dad, you gave me
the drowsy kind.

261
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:35,571
There's a drowsy kind?

262
00:11:35,654 --> 00:11:38,615
- — I have to study for a test!
- Oh, it really hurts!

263
00:11:38,740 --> 00:11:40,742
Well, I'll get you some ice.
No, no, no, no!

264
00:11:40,826 --> 00:11:42,327
I'll get it.

265
00:11:44,121 --> 00:11:46,248
[ Ice rattling ]

266
00:11:47,291 --> 00:11:49,710
Oh, you made it. How was it?

267
00:11:49,835 --> 00:11:51,670
Why? What's wrong, babe? Eh.

268
00:11:51,795 --> 00:11:54,756
I don't wanna talk
about it. Do it anyways.

269
00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:56,985
This stupid kid's been in the
business about 10 minutes.

270
00:11:57,009 --> 00:12:00,888
He barely looks at my proposal,
and he says he wants more “wow.”

271
00:12:00,971 --> 00:12:02,681
What does he mean by more “wow”?

272
00:12:02,764 --> 00:12:04,433
It's the bieberization
of america.

273
00:12:04,516 --> 00:12:06,226
What do beavers have
to do with anything?

274
00:12:06,310 --> 00:12:09,813
The beavers, they build the dams all
over the country so there's no floods.

275
00:12:09,897 --> 00:12:12,858
It's the beaverization
of the Americas.

276
00:12:12,941 --> 00:12:16,320
I'm finding there's less
and less we can talk about.

277
00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:20,157
So why didn't you tell him that you've been
in the business for such a long time...

278
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,719
Gloria, it's not gonna make any
difference. He wants to make a change.

279
00:12:22,743 --> 00:12:24,762
And I got a factory full of
people depending on this.

280
00:12:24,786 --> 00:12:26,514
[ Doorbell rings ] Yeah,
but maybe if you tell him that...

281
00:12:26,538 --> 00:12:30,167
Gloria, please. I've had a tough
day. Can we please not talk about it?

282
00:12:30,292 --> 00:12:33,295
But I want to help. Trust me.
I wish you had the answers.

283
00:12:33,378 --> 00:12:35,213
I do!

284
00:12:35,339 --> 00:12:36,882
Hey, guys. Hey, grandpa.

285
00:12:37,007 --> 00:12:39,301
[Luke] Hey, grandpa.
[ Slurred ] Hey, Jay.

286
00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:41,470
What's with her? Just
tired. Growth spurt.

287
00:12:41,595 --> 00:12:43,639
Hey, hey. Hi, guys.

288
00:12:43,722 --> 00:12:46,558
- Hi, baby girl.
- Ho/a, Lily.

289
00:12:46,642 --> 00:12:48,101
How are you?

290
00:12:48,185 --> 00:12:50,604
Dads are fighting.
No. Uh, we're not fighting.

291
00:12:50,687 --> 00:12:53,857
No, not at all, honey. No.
Uh, go play, sweetheart. Okay?

292
00:12:53,982 --> 00:12:56,743
Let's go play with some blocks.
Let's go stack some blocks. All right.

293
00:12:56,818 --> 00:12:59,778
Okay. The reason we're fighting is
'cause this one thinks he's dirty Harry.

294
00:12:59,821 --> 00:13:02,050
Having a tough time picturing
Clint Eastwood in that shirt.

295
00:13:02,074 --> 00:13:04,826
Okay, let me ask you something.
Today, at a stoplight,

296
00:13:04,910 --> 00:13:07,496
a guy ran into our car
and then just took off.

297
00:13:07,579 --> 00:13:09,581
I wanted to chase after him.
Mitchell...

298
00:13:09,665 --> 00:13:11,959
Kept a level head
and called the police.

299
00:13:12,042 --> 00:13:15,587
Police. Aren't they too busy
winning the war on drugs?

300
00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:18,473
Okay, so which one of us
did the right thing?

301
00:13:18,507 --> 00:13:20,467
Hit-and-run. Gotta chase
'em down. [Snaps fingers]

302
00:13:20,509 --> 00:13:22,010
I chase the people all the time.

303
00:13:22,094 --> 00:13:24,721
No, no. That—that's
irresponsible and dangerous.

304
00:13:24,846 --> 00:13:27,825
What if he had been armed? He wasn't
armed. He had a Hillary bumper sticker.

305
00:13:27,849 --> 00:13:29,609
[ Mitchell ] This isn't
an isolated incident.

306
00:13:29,726 --> 00:13:32,538
This morning, he flipped out at
somebody at the muppet movie. [ Scoffs ]

307
00:13:32,562 --> 00:13:35,315
You saw the muppet movie
without me?

308
00:13:35,399 --> 00:13:38,068
- — [Cameron ] Oh, no.
- No, honey, just the first two numbers.

309
00:13:38,193 --> 00:13:39,903
No. Lily— [Claire] Hi, hi, hi.

310
00:13:39,987 --> 00:13:41,947
Phil, where are you, honey?
I need to talk to you.

311
00:13:42,030 --> 00:13:43,490
Do you know
what our daughter did?

312
00:13:43,573 --> 00:13:45,158
Nothing. She's fine.
She's reading.

313
00:13:45,242 --> 00:13:47,327
No, not her. Haley. Haley!

314
00:13:47,452 --> 00:13:49,412
Come over here. I wanna
talk to you. There she is.

315
00:13:49,454 --> 00:13:50,998
Not a scratch on her.

316
00:13:51,081 --> 00:13:53,667
You have something
you wanna say to us? Uh...

317
00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:55,877
Mmm, let me help you out here.

318
00:13:55,961 --> 00:13:57,879
Fake I.D.'S? What?

319
00:13:57,963 --> 00:14:02,342
Mm—hmm. Haley tried to get her
and her friends some fake I.D.'S.

320
00:14:02,426 --> 00:14:04,511
I wasn't going to use them
for drinking.

321
00:14:04,594 --> 00:14:07,055
We just wanted to get
into this club to see a band.

322
00:14:07,139 --> 00:14:10,183
She took a bunch of money
from them, and then she lost it.

323
00:14:10,267 --> 00:14:12,019
How much? $900.

324
00:14:12,144 --> 00:14:14,396
Oh, my god! Oh!
You're kidding me!

325
00:14:14,479 --> 00:14:18,692
It's not my fault! I gave money to
this guy. He's the one who ripped us off.

326
00:14:18,775 --> 00:14:20,736
What happened to your face?

327
00:14:20,861 --> 00:14:23,780
Oh.hanhfloadoon yeah.

328
00:14:23,864 --> 00:14:25,591
- — What happened to your face?
- Dad hit me.

329
00:14:25,615 --> 00:14:27,117
It was an accident. Phil!

330
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,411
I was trying to open up a
band—aid. [Alex snoring ]

331
00:14:29,494 --> 00:14:31,830
- What's wrong with her?
- Growth spurt.

332
00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:33,707
- What's wrong with her?
- I drugged her.

333
00:14:33,832 --> 00:14:36,835
Phil—! Accidentally gave her
the nighttime allergy medicine.

334
00:14:36,918 --> 00:14:39,379
Mmm. All right,
one thing at a time.

335
00:14:39,463 --> 00:14:42,340
Haley, how are you going
to repay your friends?

336
00:14:42,466 --> 00:14:44,176
I don't know. [ Gloria ] I know.

337
00:14:44,259 --> 00:14:45,844
You go there
with a couple of guys...

338
00:14:45,927 --> 00:14:47,929
She's gotta get the money
back. Who is this kid?

339
00:14:48,013 --> 00:14:50,891
A guy at school's cousin's
friend. He lives in gardena.

340
00:14:50,974 --> 00:14:52,994
Well, if you know where
he lives, just call the police.

341
00:14:53,018 --> 00:14:55,604
No cops. We can't
afford a scandal right now.

342
00:14:55,687 --> 00:14:57,731
Claire's running
for town council.

343
00:14:57,814 --> 00:15:00,734
That was before, when I thought
you could take care of the children.

344
00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:03,028
I take my eye off
the ball for one minute,

345
00:15:03,111 --> 00:15:06,364
and I've got one in a coma, one with a
black eye and one running a crime ring.

346
00:15:06,448 --> 00:15:09,076
Well, to be fair,
Haley started her crime ring...

347
00:15:09,159 --> 00:15:11,161
When your eye
was still on the ball.

348
00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:12,913
It's not a crime ring.

349
00:15:12,996 --> 00:15:15,415
I just gotta get
my hands on that $900.

350
00:15:15,499 --> 00:15:17,667
I know how the mafia
would handle this.

351
00:15:17,793 --> 00:15:20,295
[ Imitates knife slash
I [Jay] the kid is right.

352
00:15:20,378 --> 00:15:23,006
I'm sick of these smart—ass punks
who keep changing the rules...

353
00:15:23,090 --> 00:15:25,130
And think they can get away
with anything they want.

354
00:15:25,175 --> 00:15:27,511
I'm gonna pay this guy a visit.
Haley, text me his address.

355
00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:29,096
I'm going with you. Me too.

356
00:15:29,179 --> 00:15:32,182
Oh, no. No. Nobody's going
anywhere, okay? We're not vigilantes.

357
00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:35,185
Shotgun! No! No weapons!

358
00:15:40,398 --> 00:15:42,317
In my country, it is tradition.

359
00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:44,361
When the men are out
seeking vengeance,

360
00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:46,363
the women stay home
and they drink.

361
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:48,949
Sometimes I think
you just make this stuff up.

362
00:15:49,074 --> 00:15:51,785
Do you want a drink or not?
Oh, yeah.

363
00:15:51,868 --> 00:15:54,162
So, what happened?

364
00:15:54,246 --> 00:15:56,331
You were running for office,
and now you're not?

365
00:15:56,414 --> 00:15:58,291
Mmm. I don't really
wanna talk about that.

366
00:15:58,375 --> 00:16:01,503
Ay, no. I am sick and tired
of no one needing my help.

367
00:16:01,586 --> 00:16:03,630
You are going to tell me
what is wrong,

368
00:16:03,713 --> 00:16:07,008
and I'm gonna give you the right
answer, because I have all of them.

369
00:16:07,092 --> 00:16:10,011
So, why are you not
running for office?

370
00:16:10,095 --> 00:16:13,598
Because my family needs me too
much. You saw what just happened.

371
00:16:13,723 --> 00:16:17,018
Why are you not running for
office? Uh, that doesn't work with me.

372
00:16:17,102 --> 00:16:18,937
[ Shouts ] Why are you
not running for office?

373
00:16:19,020 --> 00:16:21,314
Because I don't want to lose!

374
00:16:21,398 --> 00:16:26,444
I— I haven't done anything
outside of my house in 18 years.

375
00:16:26,528 --> 00:16:29,406
I don't want the first thing I
do to be a complete failure.

376
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:32,033
Okay.

377
00:16:32,117 --> 00:16:36,913
I'm gonna tell you a story about a
little girl who entered a beauty pageant...

378
00:16:37,038 --> 00:16:38,790
[Sighs] Eventhough_.

379
00:16:38,874 --> 00:16:41,626
She was very, very scared
that she was going to lose.

380
00:16:41,710 --> 00:16:43,587
Let me guess. You won.

381
00:16:43,712 --> 00:16:46,548
Of course I won. But I was talking
about my cousin Maria conchita.

382
00:16:46,631 --> 00:16:49,968
She had a nose like a toucan.
She stuff her body in this bikini.

383
00:16:50,051 --> 00:16:53,013
And at the end,
she finish dead last.

384
00:16:53,096 --> 00:16:55,807
How is that a good story?

385
00:16:55,891 --> 00:16:59,895
She faced her fears,
and it didn't kill her.

386
00:17:01,605 --> 00:17:03,732
What killed her
two weeks later was a bus.

387
00:17:03,815 --> 00:17:05,317
Are you serious?

388
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:08,778
Because she couldn't see
anything coming with that big nose.

389
00:17:09,613 --> 00:17:12,115
This guy has won six elections.

390
00:17:12,199 --> 00:17:14,117
I am way out of my league.

391
00:17:14,201 --> 00:17:15,881
Look, I don't know
anything about this guy.

392
00:17:15,952 --> 00:17:18,121
But I know
that you're a tough lady,

393
00:17:18,205 --> 00:17:20,373
and I come from a family
of tough ladies.

394
00:17:20,457 --> 00:17:23,460
And I have to say, sometimes
you scare me a little bit.

395
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:26,254
And I know that you're
strong enough to win...

396
00:17:26,338 --> 00:17:29,424
And definitely strong enough
to be okay if you lose.

397
00:17:30,508 --> 00:17:32,510
I scare you? Are you kidding me?

398
00:17:32,594 --> 00:17:35,680
[ Booming voice] “I want
Thanksgiving at my house!”

399
00:17:35,764 --> 00:17:38,475
Why does everybody
think I talk like that?

400
00:17:41,645 --> 00:17:43,355
This is it.

401
00:17:44,814 --> 00:17:47,084
Wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no,
come on. Do we have a plan?

402
00:17:47,108 --> 00:17:49,319
It doesn't seem like we have
a plan. Yeah, I got a plan.

403
00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:51,756
Either he gives us the money,
or he gets a private performance...

404
00:17:51,780 --> 00:17:53,865
From england Dan
and John Ford coley.

405
00:17:53,949 --> 00:17:55,968
That's not a good plan.
That's not even a good band.

406
00:17:55,992 --> 00:17:58,745
If all you're gonna do is
criticize, just wait by the car.

407
00:17:58,828 --> 00:18:00,247
Okay, fine.

408
00:18:00,330 --> 00:18:02,249
I'll see you in jail.

409
00:18:02,332 --> 00:18:04,376
It's gonna be a big
adjustment for two of you.

410
00:18:04,459 --> 00:18:06,878
[ Jay groans ]

411
00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:15,428
Yeah? You Peter?

412
00:18:15,512 --> 00:18:17,430
What do you want?
You know Haley Dunphy?

413
00:18:17,555 --> 00:18:20,517
You owe her $900. We're
here to collect. You dig?

414
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:24,854
I tried to call that girl 10 times,
but her voice mail was always full.

415
00:18:24,938 --> 00:18:26,439
That does sound like Haley.

416
00:18:26,523 --> 00:18:28,566
So how are you
gonna make this right?

417
00:18:28,650 --> 00:18:30,610
You guys want the
money, right? That's fine.

418
00:18:30,694 --> 00:18:32,696
I don't need any
hassle. Hold on.

419
00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:34,781
I'll just— I'll grab it.

420
00:18:38,285 --> 00:18:40,453
[ Chuckles ] That was easy.

421
00:18:40,537 --> 00:18:42,330
He's lucky
he didn't put up a fight.

422
00:18:42,414 --> 00:18:46,668
I would've treated him to a reunion
of Crosby, stills, Nash and young.

423
00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:50,338
Oh, my god! We got
a runner! [ Phil] Stop!

424
00:18:50,422 --> 00:18:51,923
[Jay] Get him! Get
him! [ Phil] Stop!

425
00:18:52,048 --> 00:18:54,551
Stop! [ Grunts ]
[ Material rips]

426
00:18:56,011 --> 00:18:58,179
No! No! No!

427
00:18:58,305 --> 00:19:00,056
No! [Grunts] [ Dogs barking ]

428
00:19:00,140 --> 00:19:01,850
[Gruntin 9 I got him! ]

429
00:19:01,933 --> 00:19:04,686
- — Oh, my god! You did!
- Don't be so surprised!

430
00:19:04,769 --> 00:19:06,330
Help! He's slipping out
of his skinny jeans!

431
00:19:06,354 --> 00:19:07,354
[ Peter] Okay!

432
00:19:07,397 --> 00:19:09,357
[All grunting] [ Peter shouts]

433
00:19:09,441 --> 00:19:11,443
These are cute.
I totally have these.

434
00:19:11,526 --> 00:19:13,653
[ Door opens ]

435
00:19:13,737 --> 00:19:15,280
Hmm? Ah-ha-ha.

436
00:19:15,405 --> 00:19:17,699
[Gloria] Oh! There you go.

437
00:19:17,782 --> 00:19:19,284
Oh, you got it back! Thank you!

438
00:19:19,367 --> 00:19:21,411
Hey, don't thank me.
Thank your uncle Mitchell.

439
00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:24,122
He's the one who tackled
the guy. I got grass stains.

440
00:19:24,205 --> 00:19:26,833
Well, I will tell you one thing.

441
00:19:26,916 --> 00:19:28,877
I have learned my lesson.

442
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:32,464
Disappointing my family and
friends is punishment enough.

443
00:19:32,547 --> 00:19:35,508
Nice try. You're
grounded for two weeks.

444
00:19:35,592 --> 00:19:38,386
- [ Sighs] — [ Gloria ]
- Okay, we have big news.

445
00:19:38,470 --> 00:19:43,058
Claire has decided
to run for mayor after all.

446
00:19:43,141 --> 00:19:45,101
Thank you. It's town council.

447
00:19:45,185 --> 00:19:47,185
It doesn't matter.
You're not going to win anyways.

448
00:19:48,146 --> 00:19:50,148
But she's going to be okay.
You see?

449
00:19:50,231 --> 00:19:53,902
I help the people. Why
don't you two let me help you?

450
00:19:53,985 --> 00:19:55,987
Well, I can't speak for Jay,

451
00:19:56,071 --> 00:19:59,532
but I guess I'm just too
proud to ask for help.

452
00:19:59,616 --> 00:20:01,659
Are you serious?
She cuts your steak.

453
00:20:01,743 --> 00:20:04,996
What about you? — I don't
wanna bother you with my business.

454
00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:06,960
- — What else do I do every day?
- I don't know.

455
00:20:06,998 --> 00:20:10,001
I'm guessing the gym
and... one other thing.

456
00:20:10,085 --> 00:20:13,088
Dad, you should listen to her.
She might really help you.

457
00:20:13,213 --> 00:20:15,423
Huh. She could be an asset.

458
00:20:15,507 --> 00:20:17,342
[ Luke, Phil chuckle]

459
00:20:17,467 --> 00:20:19,761
“Ass—et.” heard it.

460
00:20:19,844 --> 00:20:21,054
Hmm.

461
00:20:21,137 --> 00:20:23,390
And look at the shelves
over here.

462
00:20:23,473 --> 00:20:26,017
They're for the shoes.
Those are my favorite ones.

463
00:20:26,101 --> 00:20:27,602
So what did you think?

464
00:20:30,021 --> 00:20:31,481
Wow.

465
00:20:32,315 --> 00:20:33,316
[ Chuckles ]

466
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:36,736
Same exact closet.

467
00:20:40,824 --> 00:20:42,575
We never needed fake I.D.'S
on a farm.

468
00:20:42,659 --> 00:20:46,246
We figured if a 16—year—old could
drive a tractor, he could drink a beer.

469
00:20:46,329 --> 00:20:48,915
Not at the same time, of course.
It's Missouri, not Texas.

470
00:20:48,998 --> 00:20:50,375
[Jay chuckles]

471
00:20:50,458 --> 00:20:52,585
I used a fake ID.
To get into an r-rated movie.

472
00:20:52,669 --> 00:20:54,587
The fabulous baker boys.

473
00:20:54,671 --> 00:20:56,631
I found the title
to be misleading.

474
00:20:56,714 --> 00:20:58,716
Lot of Michelle pfeiffer.
That's all I'm saying.

475
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:00,844
I remember
when I got my fake I.D.

476
00:21:00,969 --> 00:21:03,263
Me too. Crazy times.
[Jay] Hell, yeah.

477
00:21:03,346 --> 00:21:05,658
I tried to enlist in the army,
but they saw right through me.

478
00:21:05,682 --> 00:21:07,682
So me and a bunch of guys
drove across state lines.

479
00:21:07,725 --> 00:21:10,228
We got a bunch of booze.
We loaded up on fireworks.

480
00:21:10,311 --> 00:21:14,607
And I woke up in the morning,
I kid you not, in a Mexican strip joint.

481
00:21:14,691 --> 00:21:17,610
[ Lau h' you? G ing ]

482
00:21:17,694 --> 00:21:21,114
Oh, I used mine to rent
some bowling shoes and kept 'em.

483
00:21:21,197 --> 00:21:25,034
Suckers probably spent months
trying to track down Dr. Richard hertz.

484
00:21:26,619 --> 00:21:28,121
Think about it.

485
00:21:35,253 --> 00:21:36,254
English - us - psdh