1
00:00:03,337 --> 00:00:05,464
Ay, finally!

2
00:00:05,548 --> 00:00:08,342
Look who's wearing
her itsy-bitsy bikini.

3
00:00:08,426 --> 00:00:10,469
He can comment because he's gay.

4
00:00:10,595 --> 00:00:12,722
He was talking
about lin. 80 was I.

5
00:00:12,805 --> 00:00:15,474
Ay, cam,
you make her look so pretty.

6
00:00:15,558 --> 00:00:17,059
Guess who's not coming
for Christmas.

7
00:00:17,143 --> 00:00:19,020
And the spotlight shifts. Mom.

8
00:00:19,103 --> 00:00:20,521
- — She canceled.
- What?

9
00:00:20,646 --> 00:00:22,273
In a voice mail,
noless. Unbelievable.

10
00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:24,108
And by that, I mean believable.

11
00:00:24,192 --> 00:00:25,860
Why isn't Nana coming?
I don't know.

12
00:00:25,943 --> 00:00:29,113
Something about her new boyfriend
whisking her away on a cruise.

13
00:00:29,238 --> 00:00:31,616
I just got my gift. What boyfriend?

14
00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:33,242
Carl, the cruise ship captain.

15
00:00:34,410 --> 00:00:36,162
It was in her
holiday newsletter.

16
00:00:36,245 --> 00:00:37,830
Oh, I can't read
that whole thing. No.

17
00:00:37,914 --> 00:00:39,834
Yeah, after two pages
about the bird she rescued?

18
00:00:39,916 --> 00:00:42,876
And by the way, I don't think you can
say you rescued something if it dies.

19
00:00:42,919 --> 00:00:45,421
It died? She wrote
a poem about it.

20
00:00:45,504 --> 00:00:47,506
A little too free with
the free verse for my taste.

21
00:00:47,590 --> 00:00:49,050
Butfine, we'll call it a poem.

22
00:00:49,133 --> 00:00:52,053
I stopped reading after she
talked about suing her book club.

23
00:00:52,136 --> 00:00:55,556
Oh, I stopped reading after
“dear friends, family and others.”

24
00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:57,183
I'm sorry. Who are “others”?

25
00:00:57,308 --> 00:00:59,310
No, you're not— me.

26
00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:01,395
Uh, maybe you are.

27
00:01:01,479 --> 00:01:03,439
Actually, she's kind of
at her best at Christmas.

28
00:01:03,522 --> 00:01:05,024
She makes a mean cookie.

29
00:01:05,107 --> 00:01:07,526
What other kind could
she possibly make? Come on.

30
00:01:07,610 --> 00:01:11,572
Ay, it's so sad that you guys are not
gonna be with your mom this Christmas.

31
00:01:11,697 --> 00:01:13,241
It's fine. Yeah,
it's more than fine.

32
00:01:13,366 --> 00:01:15,910
Let's just— can we move
off of mom? Yes, please.

33
00:01:15,993 --> 00:01:17,495
Yeah, and the upside now,
Mitchell,

34
00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:19,080
we can spend Christmas
in Missouri,

35
00:01:19,163 --> 00:01:21,415
where it actually feels
like Christmas.

36
00:01:21,499 --> 00:01:23,435
Wait, hang on a second.
Just because mom isn't coming...

37
00:01:23,459 --> 00:01:26,087
Doesn't mean we're not gonna
spend Christmas together.

38
00:01:26,170 --> 00:01:27,713
I mean, it's about family.

39
00:01:27,797 --> 00:01:29,816
Who do you think we're seeing
in Missouri? The oak Ridge boys?

40
00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:32,402
Hold on. I thought we were all gettin'
together Christmas Eve this year.

41
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:34,262
We're on a flight to Mexico
the 25th.

42
00:01:34,345 --> 00:01:36,681
What do you mean, you're
getting on a flight on the 25th?

43
00:01:36,764 --> 00:01:38,266
You two needed time
with your mom.

44
00:01:38,349 --> 00:01:40,268
I've already served my time
with your mom.

45
00:01:40,351 --> 00:01:43,271
Oh, dad. — well, when
are we gonna have Christmas, then?

46
00:01:43,396 --> 00:01:46,607
I heard kids are getting
snatched in Mexico. What?

47
00:01:46,691 --> 00:01:48,609
Kids get snatched here
just as much.

48
00:01:48,693 --> 00:01:50,293
It happens all the
time. Don't be scared.

49
00:01:50,361 --> 00:01:52,280
And when you say “all the time”...

50
00:01:52,363 --> 00:01:53,864
Okay, well, what about
next weekend?

51
00:01:53,948 --> 00:01:55,509
'Cause we don't leave
till the 21st, right?

52
00:01:55,533 --> 00:01:57,678
Yeah, we leave tomorrow. We
don't come back until the 21st.

53
00:01:57,702 --> 00:02:00,162
Hey, math club, could you
get me some more lemonade?

54
00:02:00,246 --> 00:02:03,350
Are we saying that this is the last time
we're all going to be together as a family...

55
00:02:03,374 --> 00:02:04,875
Until after the holidays?

56
00:02:04,959 --> 00:02:06,877
And for you, maybe ever.

57
00:02:06,961 --> 00:02:08,689
- Well, this stinks.
- Yeah. We can't do this!

58
00:02:08,713 --> 00:02:10,691
- — We always spend Christmas together.
- Who dreamed this up?

59
00:02:10,715 --> 00:02:12,359
Yeah, we have
to do something about it.

60
00:02:12,383 --> 00:02:17,054
Ho, ho, hold up a sec.
We're all free today.

61
00:02:17,138 --> 00:02:19,849
We've got four hours to shop,
cook, wrap, get a tree.

62
00:02:19,932 --> 00:02:23,019
By tonight, we could be
celebrating Christmas, right?

63
00:02:23,144 --> 00:02:25,205
I guess we could
do that. Of course we can.

64
00:02:25,229 --> 00:02:26,748
Have you ever heard
of express Christmas?

65
00:02:26,772 --> 00:02:28,899
No, you haven't, because
I just invented it. No.

66
00:02:28,983 --> 00:02:30,776
Express Christmas, t.M.

67
00:02:30,901 --> 00:02:33,487
It's when you can't have it on
Christmas day— yeah, we got it.

68
00:02:33,612 --> 00:02:35,590
Get on with it. We're
wasting time! We're wasting time!

69
00:02:35,614 --> 00:02:38,868
Everyone in the house! We'll
make a plan! Time is of the...

70
00:02:38,951 --> 00:02:41,829
Ow! Hot! Hot!
That's just too hot!

71
00:02:41,912 --> 00:02:43,456
Oh, Phil!

72
00:02:44,123 --> 00:02:46,000
,/' hey, heyj

73
00:02:46,083 --> 00:02:48,085
,/' hey, heyj

74
00:02:48,169 --> 00:02:50,171
,/' hey, heyj

75
00:02:50,254 --> 00:02:52,173
,/' hey, heyj

76
00:02:52,256 --> 00:02:53,424
j“ hej/fif

77
00:02:55,217 --> 00:02:56,677
so we're really doin' this, huh?

78
00:02:56,761 --> 00:02:57,904
Yes, dad. Let's go.

79
00:02:57,928 --> 00:02:59,764
'Cause I had stuff lined
up for Christmas Eve.

80
00:02:59,847 --> 00:03:03,559
Yeah, Jay, it's Manny's last
chance to enjoy a family Christmas.

81
00:03:03,642 --> 00:03:05,102
Until next year, you mean.

82
00:03:05,186 --> 00:03:07,229
Well, with all the snatchings...

83
00:03:07,313 --> 00:03:09,065
Get out of my head, Luke.

84
00:03:09,190 --> 00:03:11,525
Okay, who's gonna get
the tree? Oh, oh, I will, I will.

85
00:03:11,609 --> 00:03:13,944
Because, you know, get the wrong
kind, people get upset.

86
00:03:14,070 --> 00:03:15,946
You get upset. I'm people.

87
00:03:16,030 --> 00:03:18,115
Fine. I'll get the Turkey.
What about gifts?

88
00:03:18,199 --> 00:03:19,450
Jay, did we finish shopping?

89
00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:20,826
Yeah, but we're not wrapped.

90
00:03:20,910 --> 00:03:22,804
I can help with that. We have
a mobile wrapping station.

91
00:03:22,828 --> 00:03:24,228
God, has that thing
paid for itself.

92
00:03:24,288 --> 00:03:25,849
Really? 'Cause I feel
like I paid for it.

93
00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:28,501
Okay. We've got lights
and ornaments at our place.

94
00:03:28,626 --> 00:03:30,711
Oh, you know what'd be
great is the angel. The angel!

95
00:03:30,795 --> 00:03:31,879
Yeah, where is it?

96
00:03:31,962 --> 00:03:33,607
Gloria, it's up in your attic.
Would you get it?

97
00:03:33,631 --> 00:03:35,299
A y, no, not the attic!

98
00:03:35,383 --> 00:03:38,052
It's dirty, and
there are spiders.

99
00:03:38,135 --> 00:03:39,946
Oh, but it really won't
be Christmas without it.

100
00:03:39,970 --> 00:03:42,556
It won't be Christmas
with it. It's December 16.

101
00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:44,433
Luke will help Gloria.
He's not scared.

102
00:03:44,517 --> 00:03:46,644
Oh, good. You won't
find me in any attic.

103
00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:50,523
- — That might be exactly where they find you.
- Morn!

104
00:03:50,606 --> 00:03:54,026
Uh, I have a party tonight. You promised
I could go if I got a “b” on my test.

105
00:03:54,110 --> 00:03:56,404
I studied. I read stuff. What
was the point of all that?

106
00:03:56,529 --> 00:03:58,697
The point, young lady,
was— who can remember?

107
00:03:58,781 --> 00:04:00,908
Express Christmas
will be done by 9:00.

108
00:04:01,033 --> 00:04:02,594
Claire, I'll text you
the gift list. Okay.

109
00:04:02,618 --> 00:04:04,078
You and Haley do the shopping.

110
00:04:04,161 --> 00:04:06,539
Manny, you're coming with me.
We're gonna get groceries.

111
00:04:06,622 --> 00:04:08,499
Dinner, our house, 6:00.

112
00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:10,167
Let's move!

113
00:04:10,251 --> 00:04:14,547
On dasher, on dancer,
on prancer and Vixen!

114
00:04:15,506 --> 00:04:17,258
Hey, that kind of worked out.

115
00:04:17,383 --> 00:04:18,944
- Jay.
- Come on, Haley.

116
00:04:18,968 --> 00:04:21,008
Jay, you are gonna love
this wrapping— it'll be fun.

117
00:04:21,053 --> 00:04:23,639
A lot of fun.
We can go to target, okay?

118
00:04:23,722 --> 00:04:25,534
- Let's go. Let's go!
- Let's go!

119
00:04:26,809 --> 00:04:29,520
So it's just me and Lily
getting the tree, then?

120
00:04:30,354 --> 00:04:31,522
Hello? Hello?

121
00:04:32,523 --> 00:04:35,443
My mom tells me
it's xmas” in a text?

122
00:04:35,526 --> 00:04:37,254
Yeah, well, my mom canceled
in a voice mail...

123
00:04:37,278 --> 00:04:40,948
And told me she had a boyfriend
in a newsletter, so... join the team.

124
00:04:41,031 --> 00:04:42,671
Put some clothes on.
We're gettin' a tree.

125
00:04:43,909 --> 00:04:45,369
Sweetie, come on.

126
00:04:48,456 --> 00:04:50,875
Luke! Atwhafl

127
00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:52,585
what do you mean, at what?
I said “Luke.”

128
00:04:52,668 --> 00:04:54,712
I am looking.

129
00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:56,297
I know you are.

130
00:04:56,380 --> 00:04:57,923
Stay on the beams.

131
00:04:58,007 --> 00:04:59,508
Maybe it's here.

132
00:05:00,843 --> 00:05:03,512
La y, 0705 m/o/
El d/ab/o is back!

133
00:05:06,182 --> 00:05:08,517
What is so special
about that angel, anyways?

134
00:05:08,601 --> 00:05:10,102
I don't know.

135
00:05:10,186 --> 00:05:12,706
I guess Nana made it for mom and
uncle Mitchell when they were kids.

136
00:05:12,730 --> 00:05:15,107
Ay, that's nice.

137
00:05:16,609 --> 00:05:19,653
- Look where you're going!
- To open more boxes.

138
00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:26,076
Oh, you said, “look where
you're going,” didn't you?

139
00:05:26,785 --> 00:05:28,370
Yes.

140
00:05:28,454 --> 00:05:30,789
Every time you said “Luke,”
I think you're saying “look.”

141
00:05:30,915 --> 00:05:33,709
I don't hear the difference.
It's not that hard.

142
00:05:33,792 --> 00:05:34,919
One is my name.

143
00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:36,545
Juan is not your name!

144
00:05:36,629 --> 00:05:38,631
Stop kidding around
andlook, Luke.

145
00:05:39,882 --> 00:05:43,093
Ay, I get it!
“Look” sounds like “Luke.”

146
00:05:43,177 --> 00:05:44,929
Yes. Thank god.

147
00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:48,265
I've been carrying that
one around for three years.

148
00:05:49,767 --> 00:05:52,311
There's, like, a
hundred things on this list.

149
00:05:52,394 --> 00:05:54,730
I know. But it's just
the two of us. It's fun.

150
00:05:54,813 --> 00:05:56,815
Okay, it's not
fake mother's day.

151
00:05:56,899 --> 00:06:01,487
Oh, this place is huge!
Oh, plus we have to cook dinner!

152
00:06:01,612 --> 00:06:03,948
This is impossible.
Listen to me.

153
00:06:05,282 --> 00:06:08,285
Your whole life
has led to this moment.

154
00:06:08,369 --> 00:06:11,705
All the training,
the hours of dedication.

155
00:06:11,789 --> 00:06:14,792
There's not a soul alive who can
touch you when it comes to shopping.

156
00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:17,002
And baby, you know it.
Look at me.

157
00:06:18,295 --> 00:06:19,964
Be you.

158
00:06:21,674 --> 00:06:24,510
Give me that list. Never
been more proud in my life.

159
00:06:24,593 --> 00:06:26,095
Nd comeon.

160
00:06:28,347 --> 00:06:30,015
This way.

161
00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:34,562
What about this one? Let's see.

162
00:06:34,645 --> 00:06:37,565
No, no. I'm sorry. I know I'm
really being o.C.D. Right now,

163
00:06:37,648 --> 00:06:40,109
but there's something very
particular that I'm looking for.

164
00:06:40,192 --> 00:06:44,405
It needs to be a Douglas fir at least eight
feet tall and look good from all sides.

165
00:06:44,488 --> 00:06:45,739
Exactly. No bald spots.

166
00:06:45,823 --> 00:06:47,491
Yes. Thank you, thank you.

167
00:06:47,575 --> 00:06:49,868
The key is symmetry, right?

168
00:06:49,952 --> 00:06:53,664
J“ oh, symmetry oh, symmetry 33

169
00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:55,267
how come we never
go shopping together?

170
00:06:55,332 --> 00:06:56,917
Because I hate shopping.
I do too!

171
00:06:57,042 --> 00:06:58,544
Huh. Okay, this one.

172
00:06:58,627 --> 00:06:59,670
Wait.

173
00:06:59,795 --> 00:07:01,255
Oh. Oh, no, no, no, no.

174
00:07:01,338 --> 00:07:02,923
I think I know
what you're lookin' for,

175
00:07:03,007 --> 00:07:05,467
and we just got a shipment
that might be perfect for you.

176
00:07:07,636 --> 00:07:09,263
Okay. Wow.

177
00:07:09,346 --> 00:07:11,765
Just because my uncle
is clearly gay...

178
00:07:11,849 --> 00:07:14,602
Doesn't mean he'd ever want
your tacky pink tree.

179
00:07:14,685 --> 00:07:17,045
And frankly, we'd rather throw
some lights on a coat rack...

180
00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:20,733
Than have to deal with knuckle—draggers
like you today of all days.

181
00:07:21,692 --> 00:07:22,985
December 16.

182
00:07:23,068 --> 00:07:26,030
Okay, first of all, amazing.

183
00:07:26,155 --> 00:07:28,407
Second of all—
I was pointin' to the truck.

184
00:07:28,490 --> 00:07:31,869
It's full of eight—foot Douglas
firs. It's behind the pink tree.

185
00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:33,871
Yeah. Second of all...

186
00:07:33,996 --> 00:07:37,291
Uh, we're gonna go ahead and—and
take, uh, this— this tree. That one.

187
00:07:37,374 --> 00:07:39,835
And we're going to tie it
onto our car ourselves.

188
00:07:39,918 --> 00:07:41,170
You bet you will.

189
00:07:42,338 --> 00:07:43,797
I have two daddies.
He gets it, Lily.

190
00:07:43,881 --> 00:07:44,882
Yeah.

191
00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:50,596
Oh, finger.

192
00:07:51,722 --> 00:07:53,182
All right. Mmm. Cam and Jay.

193
00:07:53,265 --> 00:07:55,184
You know, sort of sounds
like a bird.

194
00:07:55,267 --> 00:07:58,354
“The migratory patterns of
the cam—and-Jay.”

195
00:07:58,437 --> 00:08:00,147
Got any more tape in that thing?

196
00:08:00,230 --> 00:08:01,815
Do I have more tape in that?

197
00:08:01,899 --> 00:08:03,484
I got a tank full of tape,
mister.

198
00:08:03,567 --> 00:08:05,819
What do you want?
Invisible? Satin finish?

199
00:08:05,944 --> 00:08:07,446
Uh, double—sided?
Whatever, whatever.

200
00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:09,073
Okay.

201
00:08:12,326 --> 00:08:14,703
Well, that's interesting. I
doubt that it is, but what?

202
00:08:14,787 --> 00:08:18,624
Well, I mean, the way you
wrap a gift. It's a lot of tape.

203
00:08:18,707 --> 00:08:22,086
Nobody can get in.
Kind of like, you know...

204
00:08:23,629 --> 00:08:27,257
I mean, well, you let me in.
But in general, why...

205
00:08:28,050 --> 00:08:29,551
Why so much tape, Jay?

206
00:08:29,635 --> 00:08:32,012
Why are you wearing a
sweater when it's 95 degrees out?

207
00:08:32,096 --> 00:08:34,014
It's my Christmas sweater.

208
00:08:34,098 --> 00:08:36,183
Based on those stains, you
are the Christmas sweater.

209
00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:41,438
Well, who's
been a very good boy?

210
00:08:43,941 --> 00:08:46,235
Mmm. So...

211
00:08:52,074 --> 00:08:54,535
Okay, are we gonna talk about
the elephant in the room?

212
00:08:54,618 --> 00:08:57,037
Which is ironic,
because it's so tiny.

213
00:08:57,121 --> 00:08:59,665
A man doesn't give
another man a gift this small.

214
00:08:59,748 --> 00:09:02,000
Oh, what do you think it is?
A ring?

215
00:09:07,673 --> 00:09:09,174
Uh, was there wine
with this cork?

216
00:09:09,258 --> 00:09:11,051
Yes, there was,
and we drank it on...

217
00:09:11,135 --> 00:09:13,429
Well, we drank it on— yeah.

218
00:09:13,512 --> 00:09:15,806
Um, on that boat.

219
00:09:16,849 --> 00:09:17,891
You have no idea.

220
00:09:17,975 --> 00:09:20,018
I can't even remember
my own anniversary, cam.

221
00:09:20,102 --> 00:09:23,939
How would I have remembered
having had wine with my son's boyfriend?

222
00:09:24,022 --> 00:09:25,941
No, I do this. This is my fault.

223
00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:28,527
I— I attach too much
meaning to things.

224
00:09:28,610 --> 00:09:32,281
I mean, we watched our first
football game together five years ago,

225
00:09:32,364 --> 00:09:35,367
and I feel the need to save the cork
from the bottle of wine you served.

226
00:09:35,451 --> 00:09:36,660
I mean, who does that?

227
00:09:36,744 --> 00:09:38,245
It's not your only gift,
by the way.

228
00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:40,348
There's a duplicate bottle
in that box right over there,

229
00:09:40,372 --> 00:09:44,710
which I had engraved with the date and
the final score, because I have a problem!

230
00:09:44,793 --> 00:09:46,479
I feel too much!
I gotta get goin' to Claire's.

231
00:09:46,503 --> 00:09:49,173
Cam— - no! Fresh
wound! Can't talk yet.

232
00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:51,008
Fine. We'll put a cork in it.

233
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:54,845
Let it scab, Jay. Let it scab.

234
00:10:03,437 --> 00:10:04,998
Oh, there you are.
I thought I'd lost you.

235
00:10:05,022 --> 00:10:07,775
Oh, sorry. I may have taken a
few minutes to try out a futon.

236
00:10:07,858 --> 00:10:10,360
It's a young woman's game.
Okay, where do we stand?

237
00:10:10,486 --> 00:10:12,112
Yes! I think we have everything.

238
00:10:12,196 --> 00:10:14,865
Oh, except the ladybug
night-light for Lily.

239
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:18,118
Haley, your
whole life has led...

240
00:10:18,243 --> 00:10:20,829
I got it, mom. I got it. Okay,
great, I'll see you in line.

241
00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:37,262
Yes, Ronald.

242
00:10:37,346 --> 00:10:39,723
I not only found it,
I got the last one.

243
00:10:40,682 --> 00:10:43,644
Yes, the ladybug,
not the turtle.

244
00:10:43,727 --> 00:10:46,127
I also got the doll, so I'm all
set. I'm gonna leave in five.

245
00:10:54,738 --> 00:10:57,825
Or maybe I just want paper. Paper.
Paper. Just paper all the way. Yeah.

246
00:10:57,908 --> 00:10:59,076
Haby!

247
00:11:01,912 --> 00:11:03,664
Too late to change my mind?

248
00:11:05,290 --> 00:11:07,894
Sir, would you like me to hold
your merchandise up at the register...

249
00:11:07,918 --> 00:11:08,958
While you finish shopping?

250
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:10,879
Oh, aren't you a dream?

251
00:11:16,844 --> 00:11:18,345
Packofgunl

252
00:11:20,389 --> 00:11:23,600
And... one more pack of gum.

253
00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:28,146
People drop in
this time of year, you know.

254
00:11:28,230 --> 00:11:30,315
'Scuse me. Sorry.
Pardon me. Sorry.

255
00:11:30,399 --> 00:11:31,859
'Scuse me.

256
00:11:31,942 --> 00:11:34,295
Night—light you were looking
for, ma'am. Ring her up, Madison.

257
00:11:34,319 --> 00:11:36,071
Thank you.

258
00:11:37,114 --> 00:11:38,615
There you go.

259
00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:42,619
You're leaving me alone here?

260
00:11:42,703 --> 00:11:44,580
No, no, no, no. I— it'll, uh...

261
00:11:44,663 --> 00:11:46,164
It'll just take me two minutes.

262
00:11:46,248 --> 00:11:48,417
I need to get Jay's
super-secret special gift.

263
00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:50,335
Great. First you lose me
in the grocery store.

264
00:11:50,419 --> 00:11:52,296
Now I'm in
a deserted parking lot.

265
00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:54,965
Why don't you just put a sign
on me that says “free kid”?

266
00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:56,425
I think that might be him.

267
00:11:56,550 --> 00:11:59,219
You don't know the guy we're
meeting? That's how craigslist works.

268
00:11:59,303 --> 00:12:02,097
Total strangers sell you things
like signed vintage baseball cards...

269
00:12:02,180 --> 00:12:04,461
That make your father—in—law
respect you for an afternoon.

270
00:12:04,516 --> 00:12:06,602
Idontfike the looks of this guy.

271
00:12:06,685 --> 00:12:08,312
He looks like everybody else.

272
00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:10,981
Great. You can just tell that
to the police sketch artist.

273
00:12:12,441 --> 00:12:13,483
Joe DiMaggio?

274
00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:15,736
Phil Dunphy,
but I get that a lot.

275
00:12:15,819 --> 00:12:17,529
Kidding. I'm your guy.

276
00:12:17,654 --> 00:12:19,114
Can I see the cash? Yes.

277
00:12:19,197 --> 00:12:21,909
Can I— can I see the card?

278
00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:27,539
Mint condition.

279
00:12:27,623 --> 00:12:29,082
That's why I want another 50.

280
00:12:29,166 --> 00:12:30,709
I only have the 200.

281
00:12:30,792 --> 00:12:33,670
- Ah, deal's off then.
- Come on, it's Christmas.

282
00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:37,758
At our house. It's a long story.

283
00:12:37,841 --> 00:12:41,345
- 225. — I just spent all
my cash on groceries.

284
00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:44,264
- Fine. But I'm taking the butterball.
- I don't know about that.

285
00:12:44,348 --> 00:12:46,808
- That's it. I'm getting mother's little helper.
- What?

286
00:12:46,892 --> 00:12:49,692
- — My mom keeps a stun gun for emergencies.
- This isn't an emergen...

287
00:12:53,607 --> 00:12:56,818
Now it is!

288
00:13:02,324 --> 00:13:03,784
I thought he was
going to snatch me!

289
00:13:03,867 --> 00:13:07,329
A butterball is a tur...

290
00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:10,540
What'd he say? — I think he
said, “a butterball is a Turkey.”

291
00:13:10,624 --> 00:13:13,168
I was reaching for the Turkey.

292
00:13:13,251 --> 00:13:15,796
Oh. Well, we can't
give you our Turkey.

293
00:13:15,879 --> 00:13:18,715
Yes, we can.

294
00:13:19,883 --> 00:13:21,885
Here's the... money.

295
00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:29,101
Yeah, buddy. Joe dimaggi...

296
00:13:29,184 --> 00:13:31,353
Joe dimagg...

297
00:13:35,774 --> 00:13:40,112
Mint conditi...

298
00:13:40,195 --> 00:13:42,614
Near mint condi...

299
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,744
Fair conditi...

300
00:13:49,621 --> 00:13:51,289
Garbage.

301
00:13:59,464 --> 00:14:01,758
Huh, never saw this before.

302
00:14:01,842 --> 00:14:04,594
“An angel for my angels.
Love, mom.”

303
00:14:04,678 --> 00:14:06,638
A y, that's beautiful.

304
00:14:06,763 --> 00:14:10,058
And it smells like mothballs,
just like Nana. Luke.

305
00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:12,519
Th—thank you. M—merry
Christmas. Just give it up.

306
00:14:12,602 --> 00:14:14,604
Yeah.

307
00:14:14,730 --> 00:14:17,441
He hates us.
Don't beat yourself up.

308
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:19,317
I do that, like, once a week.

309
00:14:19,401 --> 00:14:22,404
The good news is, we never
have to come back here.

310
00:14:22,487 --> 00:14:23,739
Watch out!

311
00:14:25,657 --> 00:14:27,409
The tree! [Yelps
I I can't watch!

312
00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:29,745
Look. /u4 yes, lsakl“Luke”

313
00:14:29,870 --> 00:14:31,747
you told me already.
Idmitnght no! Look!

314
00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:36,293
Never look back. Never!

315
00:14:39,755 --> 00:14:40,922
Maybe we can salvage it?

316
00:14:46,094 --> 00:14:47,804
Are you okay, papi?

317
00:14:47,929 --> 00:14:50,265
Yeah. Good.

318
00:14:50,348 --> 00:14:52,184
That's because we had
our guardian angel...

319
00:14:52,267 --> 00:14:54,227
Ay, a spider!

320
00:15:02,152 --> 00:15:04,321
Hey, mom. Check it!

321
00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:06,073
The gum!

322
00:15:06,156 --> 00:15:09,117
Oh, and you made it pretty.
Honey, put it on the table.

323
00:15:09,201 --> 00:15:11,661
- — New tradition?
- Oh, yes. Yes.

324
00:15:11,745 --> 00:15:15,832
Mmm. Christmas gum. I take one.

325
00:15:17,292 --> 00:15:19,419
Tough to decorate the tree
with no tree, huh?

326
00:15:19,503 --> 00:15:21,296
Mm-hmm, yeah.

327
00:15:22,339 --> 00:15:23,840
How long you gonna
ignore me, cam?

328
00:15:23,924 --> 00:15:26,093
Until the shame cloud clears.

329
00:15:26,176 --> 00:15:28,095
You know, I push. I'm a pusher.

330
00:15:28,178 --> 00:15:32,516
You gotta give yourself a break. See, the thing
about me, I'm not as open with feelings as you.

331
00:15:33,517 --> 00:15:35,519
You've gotta lower
your expectations.

332
00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:38,230
Oh, I get it. Baby steps.

333
00:15:38,313 --> 00:15:40,816
No steps. This is it.

334
00:15:40,899 --> 00:15:43,443
See? Did it again. Push,
push, push, push, push.

335
00:15:43,527 --> 00:15:46,029
Now I've pushed you out of
the room. That's— that's fine.

336
00:15:47,531 --> 00:15:49,658
How is she? I got the
tire marks off her wings,

337
00:15:49,741 --> 00:15:51,409
but I can't get her head
to stay on.

338
00:15:51,493 --> 00:15:53,829
Okay. That's what this is for.

339
00:15:53,912 --> 00:15:58,792
Now, stick it in the top of the tree
with the good part facing out. Go on.

340
00:15:58,875 --> 00:16:02,337
Oh, that stuffing looks good. All we
need now is a Turkey to surround it.

341
00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:05,549
Well, relax. Phil just
texted, and he's on his “wax.”

342
00:16:06,341 --> 00:16:08,969
Okay. Here comes the tree.

343
00:16:09,052 --> 00:16:10,345
Finally.

344
00:16:10,428 --> 00:16:11,908
Here comes more of the tree.

345
00:16:11,972 --> 00:16:13,223
Hi, honey.

346
00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:14,826
Oh, my gosh. What happened?

347
00:16:14,850 --> 00:16:16,410
Well, uh, someone ran over it.

348
00:16:16,434 --> 00:16:19,896
But that's okay, 'cause we are
gonna put it back together. Right now.

349
00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:21,648
It's gonna need a lot of gum.

350
00:16:21,731 --> 00:16:23,859
Oh, thank god. Here
comes Phil and the butterball.

351
00:16:23,942 --> 00:16:25,610
I have a name! Huh?

352
00:16:25,694 --> 00:16:28,280
I am sorry,
but there is no Turkey.

353
00:16:28,363 --> 00:16:30,657
There's no Turkey?
What's the plan, Phil?

354
00:16:30,740 --> 00:16:32,659
Cornish game hens.

355
00:16:32,742 --> 00:16:36,997
If you get real close, they look like
turkeys, and everyone gets their own.

356
00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:39,499
- — Sounds like fun.
- Not fun. Not fun.

357
00:16:39,583 --> 00:16:42,252
I asked you to pick up
a cooked Turkey.

358
00:16:42,335 --> 00:16:44,730
The store was out of turkeys. It
was an hour to express Christmas.

359
00:16:44,754 --> 00:16:47,090
Please just make it
work, okay? Please.

360
00:16:47,174 --> 00:16:48,758
Not even defrosted.

361
00:16:48,842 --> 00:16:51,261
- Fine, Claire! You want 'em defrosted?
- Yeah.

362
00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:53,930
Merry... freaking... Christmas!

363
00:16:54,014 --> 00:16:55,765
No!

364
00:16:56,474 --> 00:16:57,934
Is that my stun gun?

365
00:16:58,059 --> 00:16:59,686
Yep, and it works great!

366
00:16:59,811 --> 00:17:02,439
Okay, okay.

367
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:04,774
Um, we can make this
work. This can work.

368
00:17:04,858 --> 00:17:08,028
- — Dad, you and Mitchell reassemble that tree.
- All right.

369
00:17:08,111 --> 00:17:11,114
And I am going to defrost these
birds. We'll cook 'em in shifts,

370
00:17:11,198 --> 00:17:12,908
and we'll just push
dinner back by a bit.

371
00:17:12,991 --> 00:17:15,410
Oh, how long? 'Cause
I still have my party.

372
00:17:15,493 --> 00:17:17,621
What the hell happened
to the angel? No!

373
00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:21,333
The real question here is how
come we still have the dog Butler?

374
00:17:21,416 --> 00:17:22,500
Oh, you found him, huh?

375
00:17:22,584 --> 00:17:25,212
Well, this thing is—
It's filthy and...

376
00:17:25,921 --> 00:17:26,921
What happened?

377
00:17:26,963 --> 00:17:28,798
It got run over.

378
00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:32,135
Probably by the same maniac
who ran over the tree.

379
00:17:32,219 --> 00:17:34,429
Oh, my god, is that?
Yep, that's gum.

380
00:17:34,512 --> 00:17:36,598
That is gum. Okay, I'm— I'm out.

381
00:17:36,681 --> 00:17:40,393
I'm done. I am out.
No, no Turkey, no tree,

382
00:17:40,477 --> 00:17:42,371
and now this looks like
the lady she used to be...

383
00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:44,189
Before she died
and became an angel.

384
00:17:44,272 --> 00:17:46,608
All right, relax, Mitchell.
It's an ornament.

385
00:17:46,691 --> 00:17:50,028
No, he's right. We're never gonna
get this together. I'm goin' to my party.

386
00:17:50,111 --> 00:17:52,131
No, no. No, you're not. You
are not. You're staying right here,

387
00:17:52,155 --> 00:17:54,866
because you're not going to
abandon your family on Christmas.

388
00:17:54,950 --> 00:17:55,950
It's not Christmas.

389
00:17:55,992 --> 00:17:57,744
Exactly, exactly.
Right. It's not.

390
00:17:57,869 --> 00:17:59,555
It's not Christmas, Claire.
It's not Christmas.

391
00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:01,248
Okay, fine. Fine. You know what?

392
00:18:01,331 --> 00:18:04,209
I am really tired of trying to
make this work on my own.

393
00:18:04,292 --> 00:18:07,796
- — I will see you people in a year.
- And nine days.

394
00:18:07,879 --> 00:18:11,091
No! Nobody goes anywhere.

395
00:18:11,174 --> 00:18:13,551
I know what the problem is here.

396
00:18:14,511 --> 00:18:16,263
You two miss your mommy.

397
00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:19,224
I do not miss my mommy.

398
00:18:19,307 --> 00:18:21,184
Admit it. It's sad.

399
00:18:21,268 --> 00:18:24,020
She used to make you
cookies, the angel.

400
00:18:24,104 --> 00:18:26,481
Now, she talks to you
in a newsletter,

401
00:18:26,564 --> 00:18:28,525
and she cancels for no reason.

402
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:33,196
Come here, my little ones. — no,
it's fine. We're good. It's not a big deal.

403
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:36,032
It's Christmas.
You need a mommy.

404
00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:37,575
You're not our mommy.

405
00:18:38,285 --> 00:18:39,828
And it's not Christmas.

406
00:18:39,911 --> 00:18:41,621
Come here.

407
00:18:41,705 --> 00:18:43,373
It's okay to miss her.

408
00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:46,793
Can I put in my two cents
on fake Christmas?

409
00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:50,046
- Express Christmas.
- Let it go, Phil. It's not sticking.

410
00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:52,215
It needs time.

411
00:18:52,299 --> 00:18:54,884
We all gave it our best shot
to make this thing work.

412
00:18:54,968 --> 00:18:56,720
It just didn't happen,
all right?

413
00:18:56,803 --> 00:18:58,680
What do you say
we cut our losses?

414
00:18:58,763 --> 00:19:01,141
Let's go out to
a nice Chinese restaurant...

415
00:19:01,224 --> 00:19:03,768
And have a traditional
Jewish Christmas.

416
00:19:03,852 --> 00:19:05,812
But I risked my life
grocery shopping.

417
00:19:05,895 --> 00:19:07,522
Save that story for wang fu.

418
00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:09,691
Now, let's go. Come
on, everybody. On me!

419
00:19:09,774 --> 00:19:11,401
Out! Everybody out!

420
00:19:11,526 --> 00:19:14,571
Dad, no. M.S.G.
Wang fu. It's on me. Let's go!

421
00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:16,382
Come on, baby girl. — [Cameron
I guys, there's always next year.

422
00:19:16,406 --> 00:19:18,046
- Come on, honey.
- This stinks.

423
00:19:24,205 --> 00:19:25,915
We have the snow!

424
00:19:28,626 --> 00:19:30,837
Dad! Aw!

425
00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:33,048
You hate Chinese food.

426
00:19:34,132 --> 00:19:39,804
Not bad, huh?

427
00:19:39,929 --> 00:19:43,641
Jay, Jay, Jay. You want
to hug me, dontyou?

428
00:19:43,767 --> 00:19:45,518
I kinda do.
Four to five seconds.

429
00:19:45,643 --> 00:19:47,771
Forty—five seconds?
Four to five seconds.

430
00:19:47,854 --> 00:19:49,689
Oh, okay.

431
00:19:49,773 --> 00:19:52,025
- Hey, buddy.
- Look at me!

432
00:19:53,735 --> 00:19:56,029
Family is family.

433
00:19:56,112 --> 00:19:57,864
Whether it's the one
you start out with...

434
00:19:57,989 --> 00:20:00,408
Hi, mom. Merry
Christmas. Hi, mom.

435
00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:03,536
Thank you. So, um, tell us
everything about the new boyfriend.

436
00:20:03,661 --> 00:20:05,163
Oh, yeah.
Don't leave anything out.

437
00:20:05,246 --> 00:20:06,599
Mmm. You can leave
some things out.

438
00:20:06,623 --> 00:20:08,333
The one that you end up with...

439
00:20:10,919 --> 00:20:13,463
Or the family that you
gain along the way

440
00:20:18,218 --> 00:20:20,136
do this! Snow angels!

441
00:20:23,181 --> 00:20:27,519
Which makes every day
December 16.

442
00:20:32,148 --> 00:20:33,566
It's good.

443
00:20:33,650 --> 00:20:36,236
Hey, Jay, um, I'm sorry about
the baseball card.

444
00:20:36,319 --> 00:20:38,196
I—I did get you a—
A backup gift.

445
00:20:38,321 --> 00:20:39,697
It's— it's nothing. Oh.

446
00:20:39,781 --> 00:20:41,408
I picked it up
when we stopped for gas.

447
00:20:43,451 --> 00:20:44,577
I know. Dog antlers.

448
00:20:44,661 --> 00:20:46,454
You got us snow,
and I got you dog antlers.

449
00:20:46,538 --> 00:20:48,748
- — I love these.
- I thought you might.

450
00:20:48,832 --> 00:20:51,543
Honey, look, come here.
There we go.

451
00:20:51,626 --> 00:20:53,378
There.

452
00:20:53,461 --> 00:20:56,256
How cute is that?
Where's my camera?

453
00:20:56,339 --> 00:20:57,799
Gloria, you gotta see this!

454
00:20:57,882 --> 00:20:59,592
Come on, Stella! Gloria!

455
00:20:59,717 --> 00:21:02,595
Dog antlers.
He loves dog antlers.

456
00:21:03,179 --> 00:21:04,764
Oh, no. Oh, okay.

457
00:21:04,848 --> 00:21:06,683
Oh, gosh.

458
00:21:06,766 --> 00:21:08,810
You okay? Oh!

459
00:21:11,855 --> 00:21:13,481
I'm so sorry.

460
00:21:18,361 --> 00:21:19,362
English - us - psdh