1 00:00:05,256 --> 00:00:09,343 Come on, boys! It's leap day, not sleep day! 2 00:00:09,427 --> 00:00:11,220 Whoo! 3 00:00:11,304 --> 00:00:13,598 I love leap day! 4 00:00:13,681 --> 00:00:15,868 It's kind of a big deal in the Dunphy house. 5 00:00:15,892 --> 00:00:17,435 This year, we even got Manny involved. 6 00:00:17,518 --> 00:00:19,896 You're given this gift of 24 extra hours. 7 00:00:19,979 --> 00:00:21,898 You can't waste it at work or school. 8 00:00:21,981 --> 00:00:24,775 You have to do something extraordinary, something shocking. 9 00:00:24,859 --> 00:00:29,071 Mmm. This year, the entire family is taking a trapeze class. 10 00:00:29,197 --> 00:00:31,365 How extraordinary is that? It was my idea. 11 00:00:31,490 --> 00:00:34,535 How shocking is that? I can be spontaneous every four years. 12 00:00:34,619 --> 00:00:35,912 I can't wait. 13 00:00:35,995 --> 00:00:37,914 Leap day is stupid. 14 00:00:37,997 --> 00:00:39,790 You're not understanding the logic behind it. 15 00:00:39,874 --> 00:00:44,086 A year is actually 365.25 days. 16 00:00:44,170 --> 00:00:46,255 Every four years, we gain one day. 17 00:00:46,339 --> 00:00:48,799 If we didn't adjust the calendar, in, say, 40 years, 18 00:00:48,883 --> 00:00:51,219 February would almost be January. 19 00:00:51,302 --> 00:00:55,389 That's not my problem. And it's definitely not your problem. 20 00:00:55,473 --> 00:00:59,101 Look at this. The housekeeper turned another one of my whites pink. 21 00:00:59,185 --> 00:01:00,937 I can't wear this to a sports bar. 22 00:01:01,020 --> 00:01:03,165 They're not going to be looking at you, Jay. 23 00:01:03,189 --> 00:01:04,833 Somebody's feeling pretty good about herself. 24 00:01:04,857 --> 00:01:06,567 They're going to be watching the match. 25 00:01:06,651 --> 00:01:09,153 You meant you a little bit. 26 00:01:10,446 --> 00:01:11,864 Okay, put it in there. 27 00:01:11,948 --> 00:01:14,992 All right. Very quietly, we're gonna go to daddy's bedroom, 28 00:01:15,076 --> 00:01:16,702 open the door and... 29 00:01:19,372 --> 00:01:20,957 Happy birthday to me. 30 00:01:21,082 --> 00:01:23,709 Fn110! Fony! 31 00:01:23,793 --> 00:01:25,253 I was born February 29, 32 00:01:25,336 --> 00:01:27,463 and there have been 10 of those in my lifetime, 33 00:01:27,546 --> 00:01:29,465 therefore I'm 10! 34 00:01:29,548 --> 00:01:30,549 It's fun. 35 00:01:30,633 --> 00:01:32,218 It's so much fun. 36 00:01:32,301 --> 00:01:34,345 Anyway, I've spent the last four years... 37 00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:36,764 Trying to figure out what kind of party to throw this one. 38 00:01:36,847 --> 00:01:38,432 Honey, you know I'd be fine with just... 39 00:01:38,516 --> 00:01:40,268 A nice casual evening at home with you. 40 00:01:40,351 --> 00:01:41,727 Don't— don't even. 41 00:01:41,811 --> 00:01:44,063 No, no. That's what he said last time. 42 00:01:45,231 --> 00:01:47,775 Okay, birthday boy. What's it gonna be? 43 00:01:47,858 --> 00:01:49,443 Rom—com or horror? 44 00:01:49,527 --> 00:01:51,407 Or we could do both and watch maid in Manhattan. 45 00:01:51,529 --> 00:01:53,114 What you doing? 46 00:01:53,197 --> 00:01:55,032 Canceling our baby. 47 00:01:56,701 --> 00:01:58,577 ,/' hey, heyj 48 00:01:58,661 --> 00:02:00,621 ,/' hey, heyj 49 00:02:00,705 --> 00:02:02,623 ,/' hey, heyj 50 00:02:02,707 --> 00:02:04,625 ,/' hey, heyj 51 00:02:04,709 --> 00:02:05,876 j“ hej/fif 52 00:02:08,170 --> 00:02:11,048 - okay, love to dad. - Bye. 53 00:02:13,718 --> 00:02:15,511 Oh. Daddy, what are you doing? 54 00:02:15,594 --> 00:02:17,614 - — Yeah, daddy, what are you doing? - I was... 55 00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:19,473 Snooping for hints about your birthday? 56 00:02:19,557 --> 00:02:21,517 Wow. Get. 57 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:24,020 No, I'm just excited, and I want to be helpful. 58 00:02:24,103 --> 00:02:25,938 I know party planning isn't your thing. 59 00:02:26,022 --> 00:02:27,315 Wow. 60 00:02:27,398 --> 00:02:29,191 You need to trust me, cam. 61 00:02:29,275 --> 00:02:30,985 I know. And I do. 62 00:02:31,068 --> 00:02:32,903 It's not like you're gonna do anything tired, 63 00:02:32,987 --> 00:02:34,697 like appletinis or ice sculptures. 64 00:02:34,780 --> 00:02:36,324 Or synthetic napkins or anything mylar. 65 00:02:36,407 --> 00:02:37,616 Cam, that's enough. 66 00:02:37,700 --> 00:02:39,785 I've been paying for your last party for four years. 67 00:02:39,869 --> 00:02:41,495 And I find it a little insulting... 68 00:02:41,579 --> 00:02:43,259 That you don't think I could pull this off. 69 00:02:43,289 --> 00:02:45,041 You know what? 70 00:02:45,124 --> 00:02:46,876 I trust you. I'm letting go. 71 00:02:47,001 --> 00:02:48,961 Okay. Okay? 72 00:02:49,045 --> 00:02:52,006 - You know orange is over, right? - It's a simple party. I can do it. 73 00:02:52,089 --> 00:02:53,883 Simple. 74 00:02:53,966 --> 00:02:55,760 Perfect. 75 00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:57,970 Yeah, just a simple party. 76 00:02:58,054 --> 00:03:00,056 I'm simply taking cam's favorite movie, 77 00:03:00,139 --> 00:03:01,640 the wizard of oz, 78 00:03:01,724 --> 00:03:04,560 and turning our house into an oz-themed extravaganza. 79 00:03:04,643 --> 00:03:06,187 Yellow brick carpet, 80 00:03:06,270 --> 00:03:08,022 waitstaff in full costume... 81 00:03:08,105 --> 00:03:10,274 And custom—made Ruby slippers for cam. 82 00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:11,817 Vvhassup? 83 00:03:11,942 --> 00:03:14,612 So is this safe? It's a trapeze. 84 00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:19,033 Relax. More people are killed by knife—wielding strangers than from trapezing. 85 00:03:19,116 --> 00:03:21,035 I'm thinking about going home now. 86 00:03:21,118 --> 00:03:25,373 , /' /n the arms of the angels j - 87 00:03:25,456 --> 00:03:27,500 These animals need your help. 88 00:03:27,583 --> 00:03:29,293 Honey, are you okay? 89 00:03:29,377 --> 00:03:30,711 I'm fine. 90 00:03:30,795 --> 00:03:33,672 I'm fine. Just— so sad. 91 00:03:36,050 --> 00:03:38,052 Oh, no. Not today. 92 00:03:38,135 --> 00:03:39,929 - What's wrong? - Nothing. 93 00:03:40,012 --> 00:03:42,390 No, your mom's just, uh, feeling emotional. 94 00:03:42,473 --> 00:03:44,266 She was like this last month. 95 00:03:44,350 --> 00:03:46,477 And the month before. And the month before. 96 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:50,064 What? I could kill someone! No, I can't hear you! 97 00:03:50,147 --> 00:03:53,317 This stupid phone gets no reception in this stupid house! 98 00:03:55,403 --> 00:03:56,904 Dear god, no. 99 00:03:56,987 --> 00:03:58,906 I heard rumors. Yeah. 100 00:03:58,989 --> 00:04:00,741 We all had. 101 00:04:00,825 --> 00:04:02,910 That females living or working in close quarters... 102 00:04:02,993 --> 00:04:05,746 Could eventually get on the same cycle. 103 00:04:05,830 --> 00:04:10,000 But I always assumed that was a story designed to keep women out of the submarine corps. 104 00:04:12,461 --> 00:04:16,006 This isn't milk. What's wrong with me today? My brain's not working right. 105 00:04:16,132 --> 00:04:18,634 No! I can't foc... 106 00:04:18,717 --> 00:04:20,302 Won't you help? 107 00:04:20,386 --> 00:04:21,971 Three legs? 108 00:04:22,054 --> 00:04:23,097 It's not fair! 109 00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:25,891 I know. It's so sad. 110 00:04:25,975 --> 00:04:28,102 Oh, my god. They're gonna ruin everything. 111 00:04:28,185 --> 00:04:30,563 No, no, no. We—we just need to be extra sensitive. 112 00:04:30,646 --> 00:04:32,648 Phh, honey, when do we need to leave? 113 00:04:32,731 --> 00:04:34,733 Whenever's good for you, sweetie. Maybe 20 minutes? 114 00:04:34,859 --> 00:04:36,461 Twenty minutes? Well, which one is it, Phil? 115 00:04:36,485 --> 00:04:39,738 Whenever is good for me, or is it 20 minutes? 116 00:04:39,822 --> 00:04:41,365 Whenever you're ready. 117 00:04:41,449 --> 00:04:44,577 Ithappened. Satan's trifecta. 118 00:04:44,660 --> 00:04:47,538 The day I most dreaded had fallen on the day I most loved. 119 00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:52,793 They're gonna ruin trapezing. 120 00:04:52,877 --> 00:04:54,628 I bet they don't even catch me. 121 00:04:54,712 --> 00:04:56,964 Why are you so afraid of them? They're reasonable. 122 00:04:57,047 --> 00:04:59,943 Why don't we just suggest they stay home, considering they're all on their mens... 123 00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:02,386 Shh! The first rule of dealing with the cycle: 124 00:05:02,470 --> 00:05:04,054 You never mention the cycle. 125 00:05:04,138 --> 00:05:06,307 You tiptoe around it. 126 00:05:06,390 --> 00:05:10,394 The woman's actually taking great pains to hide the monster she's become. 127 00:05:10,478 --> 00:05:13,564 But if you acknowledge it, that brings the monster forth. 128 00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:16,692 My god. And there's three of them. 129 00:05:16,775 --> 00:05:19,737 It's okay. I have a plan. 130 00:05:20,905 --> 00:05:23,491 It's kind of traditional for people to lean in... 131 00:05:23,574 --> 00:05:25,534 When somebody says “I have a plan.” 132 00:05:26,744 --> 00:05:27,744 Okay... 133 00:05:27,786 --> 00:05:30,456 Ja! Ja! Ja! Ja! 134 00:05:30,539 --> 00:05:32,291 Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja! 135 00:05:32,416 --> 00:05:35,586 No! No! .8 '/. '. ' I /. /81./ /8/./ /8/'./ 136 00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:40,341 /go/! /go/! 137 00:05:40,424 --> 00:05:42,944 You should call your country the never—lands because you never... 138 00:05:42,968 --> 00:05:46,138 Ja, because we are never going to win. You said that a billion times. 139 00:05:46,222 --> 00:05:47,681 Just go home. 140 00:05:47,765 --> 00:05:49,850 Why don't you Dutch people go home? 141 00:05:49,934 --> 00:05:52,102 Someone should shut your Colombian mouth. 142 00:05:52,228 --> 00:05:54,647 Okay, I want to see you try. Is there a problem over here? 143 00:05:54,730 --> 00:05:56,815 Yes, there is a problem, and you are married to her. 144 00:05:56,899 --> 00:06:00,569 Really? Well, let me make a suggestion. 145 00:06:00,653 --> 00:06:03,989 Why don't you sit down, I send you over a beer, my wife and I watch from over there. 146 00:06:04,073 --> 00:06:05,991 That way, everybody enjoys the game. 147 00:06:06,075 --> 00:06:09,161 Except me, 'cause I prefer a game where something happens. 148 00:06:09,245 --> 00:06:11,121 Gloria, let's go. 149 00:06:14,667 --> 00:06:17,127 I thought you were going to punch that guy back there. 150 00:06:17,211 --> 00:06:19,046 Ah, I got 60 pounds on the kid. 151 00:06:19,129 --> 00:06:23,050 Yeah. It's just that I'd heard so many stories about you fighting. 152 00:06:23,175 --> 00:06:26,971 It's just not worth the trouble. Yeah, and he has all those friends. 153 00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:28,889 Well, his friends had nothing to do with it. 154 00:06:28,973 --> 00:06:30,784 Just sometimes it's better to take the high road. 155 00:06:30,808 --> 00:06:32,977 Yeah, it's better that you walked away. 156 00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:36,772 Gloria, I get— I get the impression you're disappointed I didn't punch that guy. 157 00:06:36,855 --> 00:06:41,402 Of course not. Who needs all that manly “protect your woman” stuff? 158 00:06:41,485 --> 00:06:43,463 No, see, like right there. You're saying one thing, 159 00:06:43,487 --> 00:06:45,155 but it feels like you mean the opposite. 160 00:06:45,281 --> 00:06:47,116 That's a yes. No. 161 00:06:47,199 --> 00:06:49,493 Look, Jay. I just came to watch the game. 162 00:06:49,618 --> 00:06:51,370 I don't want to fight. Neither do I. 163 00:06:52,538 --> 00:06:54,748 I know. 164 00:06:54,832 --> 00:06:56,458 So, in keeping with the film, 165 00:06:56,542 --> 00:07:01,213 this area will be in black and white, and then an explosion of technicolor. 166 00:07:01,338 --> 00:07:03,841 Best part, as the guests are coming in... 167 00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:05,718 “Auntie em! Auntie em!” 168 00:07:05,801 --> 00:07:07,720 A simulated tornado. 169 00:07:07,803 --> 00:07:09,471 Yeah. Oh, he's gonna love that. 170 00:07:09,555 --> 00:07:11,640 So the appletinis are canceled... 171 00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,809 Yes. The little Toto dog is ordered, and... 172 00:07:13,892 --> 00:07:16,312 Please tell me that you are not mixing punch in costume. 173 00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:21,400 Oh, no. What is cam doing home? 174 00:07:22,526 --> 00:07:23,694 Hey. Hey. 175 00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:25,672 - — We're the monkeys. - Yes, hi. Come on inside. 176 00:07:25,696 --> 00:07:27,615 Quickly, quickly. Hi. 177 00:07:27,698 --> 00:07:29,450 Okay, one second. 178 00:07:29,533 --> 00:07:32,369 Hey. What you doing home? Are you checking on me and the party again? 179 00:07:32,453 --> 00:07:35,682 No, no. I left my cell phone in your car, and I gotta be in touch with mama today. 180 00:07:35,706 --> 00:07:37,684 She's talking to the insurance agency for the first time... 181 00:07:37,708 --> 00:07:39,548 To see if they're gonna rebuild grandpa's farm. 182 00:07:39,585 --> 00:07:41,503 Rebuild the... 183 00:07:41,587 --> 00:07:43,297 Because of the tornado. 184 00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:45,140 I totally missed the connection. 185 00:07:45,215 --> 00:07:49,136 A month after the most devastating twister to ever hit cam's hometown, 186 00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:54,767 I throw a party based on gay cinema's most famous tornado. 187 00:07:54,850 --> 00:07:57,061 Yeah. You know, it's been a month, 188 00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:59,772 and she hasn't heard anything, and she's just beside herself. 189 00:07:59,855 --> 00:08:02,733 And then— you know what else? Lily succumbed to her injuries. 190 00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:04,860 - Your aunt Lily died? - No, the family pig. 191 00:08:04,943 --> 00:08:07,946 Aunt Lily was a— We named our daughter after a pig? 192 00:08:08,030 --> 00:08:10,282 Can you just witness my pain instead of criticizing? 193 00:08:10,366 --> 00:08:12,451 I just want to be in touch with my family today. 194 00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:14,662 Get all this tornado stuff behind me... 195 00:08:14,745 --> 00:08:18,165 So I can enjoy the fabulous party you're planning for me. 196 00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:20,292 Yeah. Gotta get outta here. 197 00:08:20,376 --> 00:08:24,296 Okay. Hey, listen. Hey, cam, you just call your family, tell them I said hi. 198 00:08:24,380 --> 00:08:27,734 And don't worry about being back at 6:00 on the dot. There's a little breathing room. 199 00:08:27,758 --> 00:08:29,635 Oh, what, are you kidding me? 200 00:08:29,718 --> 00:08:32,471 The sooner I can start to party, the sooner I can start to forget. 201 00:08:32,554 --> 00:08:34,866 But then again, hey, if you keep running from... 202 00:08:34,890 --> 00:08:37,810 Every reminder of the tornado, doesn't the tornado win? 203 00:08:37,893 --> 00:08:39,996 Mitchell, my grandpa runs to his pickup truck every morning... 204 00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:42,314 Because he thinks the pitchfork is gonna come back down. 205 00:08:42,439 --> 00:08:44,608 The tornado always wins. Yeah. 206 00:08:44,692 --> 00:08:47,444 Okay. Well, it's gonna be so much fun tonight! 207 00:08:47,528 --> 00:08:50,239 - I know. The big 1—0! - 4-0! 208 00:08:50,364 --> 00:08:52,741 Hey, Mitchell! I'm over here. 209 00:08:52,866 --> 00:08:54,427 I could've hit you. But you didn't. 210 00:08:54,451 --> 00:08:55,970 I'm doing my “I love you” dance. 211 00:08:55,994 --> 00:08:57,931 Okay. I'm doing my “I love you” car dance. 212 00:08:57,955 --> 00:08:59,540 Look at me. Look at you. 213 00:08:59,623 --> 00:09:00,874 Stop that. Fish move! 214 00:09:00,958 --> 00:09:02,418 Okay, go! 215 00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:04,211 This is dangerous. Go. Okay, okay. 216 00:09:04,336 --> 00:09:06,505 Get out of here, you. It's my birthday! 217 00:09:07,965 --> 00:09:09,591 All right, guys. Come here. 218 00:09:09,675 --> 00:09:11,885 We need to talk. 219 00:09:13,637 --> 00:09:16,098 There they are. Stop rushing us! 220 00:09:16,181 --> 00:09:18,183 Buddy, what's wrong? 221 00:09:18,267 --> 00:09:20,894 Yes, you've been a little off all morning. 222 00:09:20,978 --> 00:09:23,188 I've been feeling a lot of stress lately. 223 00:09:23,272 --> 00:09:25,566 My head's all foggy, and I'm kind of emotional. 224 00:09:25,649 --> 00:09:27,860 Oh. Well, I sure hope you feel better soon, 225 00:09:27,943 --> 00:09:31,029 'cause you really need your wits about you when you're trapezing. 226 00:09:31,113 --> 00:09:35,868 This is weird, because the three of us haven't exactly been feeling our best today either. 227 00:09:35,993 --> 00:09:38,328 Really? Can't find my other sock! 228 00:09:38,412 --> 00:09:40,956 - — Try looking under the one you have on. - I am not you. 229 00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:43,751 I don't do that. See? 230 00:09:43,834 --> 00:09:45,335 God, I am you. 231 00:09:46,670 --> 00:09:49,173 - — Would you mind if we sat out trapezing? - Really? 232 00:09:49,298 --> 00:09:51,341 Yeah. Are you sure? Okay. 233 00:09:51,425 --> 00:09:53,677 Why does he do that? Every month. 234 00:09:53,761 --> 00:09:55,846 Yeah, I get a little moody, 235 00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:59,475 but unrelenting physical discomfort will do that to a person. 236 00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:03,979 Doesn't he know that tiptoeing around someone like they're crazy makes them crazy? 237 00:10:04,062 --> 00:10:06,732 All right. You and Manny go ahead. Luke can just stay here with us. 238 00:10:06,815 --> 00:10:09,151 - Wait. What? - Luke's actually looking better. 239 00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:11,487 I am better. Well, let's not take any chances. 240 00:10:11,612 --> 00:10:13,739 He can stay here. You go ahead. Dad? 241 00:10:13,822 --> 00:10:15,616 - Um, I— - Daddy? 242 00:10:15,699 --> 00:10:18,660 - — See you later, buddy. - What are we going to do? 243 00:10:18,744 --> 00:10:20,579 We leave no man behind. 244 00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:23,624 I think I'm just gonna go home. 245 00:10:23,707 --> 00:10:27,044 We have time. Just take down the decorations and have a normal party. 246 00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:28,879 And throw a boring party in our house... 247 00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:30,982 That looks like I just threw it together this afternoon? 248 00:10:31,006 --> 00:10:32,591 Think! Okay, we have a few options. 249 00:10:32,674 --> 00:10:34,635 I can get you the back room at Amelia's. 250 00:10:34,718 --> 00:10:37,405 Spilled juice on the owner's white rug and almost killed her toddler. Next. 251 00:10:37,429 --> 00:10:38,931 Bowling alley? Not classy enough. 252 00:10:39,056 --> 00:10:40,516 What have you got? Uh... 253 00:10:40,599 --> 00:10:43,435 You're no help. You. Well, last weekend I did a party on a boat. 254 00:10:43,519 --> 00:10:45,955 - — You said you were visiting your parents. - You're suffocating me. 255 00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:47,648 What's this boat? Tell me about the boat. 256 00:10:47,731 --> 00:10:51,193 Okay, we did an elegant dinner party on a luxury yacht for about 25 people. 257 00:10:51,276 --> 00:10:53,654 It takes you around the harbor, dancing under the moonlight. 258 00:10:53,737 --> 00:10:56,615 Okay. Okay. Maybe we can make a theme out of this. 259 00:10:56,698 --> 00:10:58,659 Cam's life is like a long voyage. 260 00:10:58,742 --> 00:11:01,578 Sometimes choppy, but always fonnard— ever fonnard. 261 00:11:01,662 --> 00:11:03,705 - — We have two hours. - Book it. 262 00:11:05,082 --> 00:11:07,876 Hey. You survived trapeze class, huh? 263 00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:11,797 Didn't happen. And common decency prevents me from telling you why. 264 00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:13,674 - — How was the soccer match? - Thrilling. 265 00:11:13,757 --> 00:11:16,176 1—1 tie. One of the goals was an accident. 266 00:11:16,260 --> 00:11:18,011 I'm sure my mom was happy you went. 267 00:11:18,095 --> 00:11:21,098 I don't know what to make of her today. She got into it with this guy, 268 00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:23,642 and I swear she was pushing me into a fight with him. 269 00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:26,061 Now, is that something she'd want? I don't know. 270 00:11:26,144 --> 00:11:28,564 I always thought of women as the more evolved sex. 271 00:11:28,647 --> 00:11:30,566 But after today— I've seen things, Jay. 272 00:11:30,649 --> 00:11:33,277 As you know, I had my share of fights in my time. You know that. 273 00:11:34,278 --> 00:11:37,531 Mmm, it's— it's too warm for me. 274 00:11:37,614 --> 00:11:40,033 I remember this time I was crossing the street with dede, 275 00:11:40,117 --> 00:11:42,202 and some jackass almost clipped her. 276 00:11:42,286 --> 00:11:45,831 I had the guy on the ground, my foot on his neck, before the car stopped moving. 277 00:11:45,914 --> 00:11:47,457 Yeah, we've heard all the stories. 278 00:11:47,541 --> 00:11:50,419 Maybe my mom wouldn't mind a glimpse of that Jay. 279 00:11:50,502 --> 00:11:54,214 That's her. She wants me to help pick out cam's gift. 280 00:11:54,298 --> 00:11:56,550 I'm still that guy, you know. 100%. 281 00:11:56,633 --> 00:11:59,052 What the hell? How do you cut your finger on a cracker? 282 00:11:59,136 --> 00:12:01,781 Anyway, if I thought there was a fight worth fighting, I'd fight it. 283 00:12:01,805 --> 00:12:04,391 Ow! Now I got salt in this. That stings! 284 00:12:09,479 --> 00:12:11,648 Next time, don't scream at your boss... 285 00:12:11,732 --> 00:12:13,793 So that he doesn't make you work during the weekends. 286 00:12:13,817 --> 00:12:16,612 'O, por favor. 287 00:12:16,695 --> 00:12:18,739 Si. Adios. 288 00:12:18,822 --> 00:12:20,866 Hey, mom. Who were you yelling at? 289 00:12:20,949 --> 00:12:25,203 Your father, baby. He cannot make it this weekend. 290 00:12:27,331 --> 00:12:29,249 Okay, I admit it. 291 00:12:29,333 --> 00:12:33,253 I wanted Jay to kick that little dutchman's ass at the bar. 292 00:12:33,337 --> 00:12:35,589 But two seconds on the phone with Javier, 293 00:12:35,672 --> 00:12:39,718 and I remember what that stupid hothead behavior gets you. 294 00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:43,430 Nothing. It's better to be calm, like Jay. 295 00:12:43,513 --> 00:12:45,182 Like Jay and me. 296 00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:47,476 Like Jay. 297 00:12:49,603 --> 00:12:53,565 I'm back! Wouldn't you know, I forgot my ding-dang sunglasses. 298 00:12:54,691 --> 00:12:57,527 Huh. Luke, could you give me a hand? 299 00:12:57,611 --> 00:12:59,905 What were the chances that Phil had come back... 300 00:12:59,988 --> 00:13:02,115 To apologize for all the game-playing... 301 00:13:02,199 --> 00:13:05,452 And have an open conversation with me about what I was feeling? 302 00:13:05,535 --> 00:13:08,956 Okay, I got a bottle of fake blood out of the Halloween supplies. 303 00:13:09,039 --> 00:13:11,083 Put a dab on your finger, say you cut it, 304 00:13:11,166 --> 00:13:13,543 I say I need to run you by the doctor, easy trapezey. 305 00:13:13,669 --> 00:13:16,338 Got it? See you on the other side, brother. 306 00:13:16,421 --> 00:13:20,384 Just once, I would like Phil to have a little empathy. 307 00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:24,721 Give me some sense that he understands what women go through. 308 00:13:24,846 --> 00:13:26,932 You feelin' any better? 309 00:13:27,015 --> 00:13:28,934 Hate to see the whole team on the d.L. 310 00:13:29,017 --> 00:13:32,771 - Ow! My finger! - I don't like the sound of that. 311 00:13:36,066 --> 00:13:39,653 - I said a little bit. - The cap fell off. I decided just to go with it. 312 00:13:39,778 --> 00:13:42,489 Okay, we gotta get you out the back... 313 00:13:42,572 --> 00:13:44,700 - — What happened? - Oh, it's just a little cut. 314 00:13:44,783 --> 00:13:46,702 But to be safe, I'll run him by the doctor. 315 00:13:46,785 --> 00:13:48,704 No! Are you crazy? Call 911! 316 00:13:48,829 --> 00:13:50,956 Oh, no, they're so busy. Where's the wound? 317 00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:53,434 - — We need to put pressure on it, right? - I'm gonna be sick! 318 00:13:53,458 --> 00:13:55,502 Oh, he needs a tourniquet! Where do I put it? 319 00:13:55,585 --> 00:13:57,713 Stop. There is nothing wrong with him. 320 00:13:57,796 --> 00:13:59,798 - Luke, what's going on? - I cut my finger. 321 00:14:00,799 --> 00:14:02,300 - Dad? - How crazy is that? 322 00:14:02,384 --> 00:14:04,424 They were in my pocket the whole time. I'll see you. 323 00:14:04,469 --> 00:14:07,139 Phil! What is going on, Luke? 324 00:14:07,222 --> 00:14:10,434 Dad staged the whole thing so we could go on the trapeze without you three. 325 00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:14,646 - Why? - Because— because... 326 00:14:14,730 --> 00:14:17,566 Because of this: You're all monsterating! 327 00:14:17,691 --> 00:14:19,568 Luke, no! Are you kidding me? 328 00:14:19,651 --> 00:14:21,153 Oh, my god! I'm sorry. 329 00:14:21,236 --> 00:14:23,739 I know you told me not to say it, but— Phil. 330 00:14:23,822 --> 00:14:25,741 Is this what you've been teaching our son? 331 00:14:25,824 --> 00:14:28,076 That women are some kind of unclean lepers... 332 00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:30,287 That should be hidden away under sheets for a week? 333 00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:33,707 - — Do you have any idea how offensive that is? - I do, honey. 334 00:14:33,790 --> 00:14:37,502 And from the bottom of my heart, I am so... 335 00:14:37,586 --> 00:14:39,087 Scared. 336 00:14:40,047 --> 00:14:42,090 Oh, no! 337 00:14:42,174 --> 00:14:44,301 Oh, my. 338 00:14:49,139 --> 00:14:52,726 Okay. Three, two, one! 339 00:14:52,809 --> 00:14:54,478 Surprise! 340 00:14:54,603 --> 00:14:57,022 Oh, my gosh! Oh, it's amazing! Yeah, it's a boat party! 341 00:14:57,147 --> 00:14:59,274 Oh. Because? Your life is like a voyage. 342 00:14:59,357 --> 00:15:00,942 Oh. Well, everyone's is, 343 00:15:01,026 --> 00:15:03,695 but I love it because none of our other friends have ever done it. 344 00:15:04,821 --> 00:15:06,823 Oh, that's so sweet. 345 00:15:06,907 --> 00:15:10,118 It must be easy with no dirty, broken woman in the relationship. 346 00:15:10,202 --> 00:15:12,287 I giggling I 347 00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:14,164 What are you laughing at? 348 00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:17,042 Okay. Everybody follow the birthday flag. 349 00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:19,086 What'd you call me? Oh, the— uh, yes. 350 00:15:19,169 --> 00:15:21,963 Oh, my gosh. It's so elegant. Pepper must be dying. 351 00:15:22,047 --> 00:15:24,650 Oh, you know, actually, pepper couldn't come because he hates boats. 352 00:15:24,674 --> 00:15:27,052 You know, after the Navy, so— on. Oh, yeah. 353 00:15:27,135 --> 00:15:30,138 Oh, I guess longines got over his fear of water. 354 00:15:30,222 --> 00:15:34,309 No, no. Why don't we just focus on the 30 people who are here having a great time? 355 00:15:34,392 --> 00:15:37,229 Eee! Smells like somebody's dead. 356 00:15:37,312 --> 00:15:39,022 What is that smell? 357 00:15:39,106 --> 00:15:41,691 That faint odor is— Is a tiny, tiny blue whale, 358 00:15:41,775 --> 00:15:44,486 who apparently has indeed died, uh, nearby. 359 00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:47,864 But— yeah, but it's getting all over my coat. 360 00:15:47,948 --> 00:15:51,743 I don't smell anything. Maybe that's because you smell like a bouquet of flower... 361 00:15:51,868 --> 00:15:53,662 Ow! Oh, yeah. 362 00:15:53,745 --> 00:15:55,372 Watch out for that. 363 00:15:55,497 --> 00:15:59,251 It smells like puke married poop and had the ceremony in my nose. 364 00:15:59,376 --> 00:16:01,962 You paint with words. Okay. Don't worry, everybody. 365 00:16:02,045 --> 00:16:05,132 Soon we'll be way, way out at sea, bouncing on the waves... 366 00:16:05,215 --> 00:16:07,496 With all of his sweet—smelling brothers and sisters, okay? 367 00:16:07,551 --> 00:16:09,094 Mitchell pritchett? Oh, yes. Hi. 368 00:16:09,177 --> 00:16:11,072 Hi. I'm your captain tonight. We've got a problem. 369 00:16:11,096 --> 00:16:12,848 I can't fit this many people on my boat. 370 00:16:12,931 --> 00:16:15,684 No, no. I was told you could take 30. I have exactly 30 guests. 371 00:16:15,767 --> 00:16:18,478 Plus six in help. You gotta drop a few people. 372 00:16:18,562 --> 00:16:20,772 Come on. There must be something that we can do here. 373 00:16:20,856 --> 00:16:24,109 Well, we have bigger boats, but this is the best I could do on two hours' notice. 374 00:16:24,234 --> 00:16:25,902 What is the problem? 375 00:16:25,986 --> 00:16:28,706 Apparently Mitchell started planning my birthday party two hours ago. 376 00:16:28,738 --> 00:16:30,824 Mm-mmm. No, no. I-I-I did not. 377 00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:34,327 Uh, apparently we have too many people for his boat, so... 378 00:16:34,411 --> 00:16:38,039 That's crazy. I've seen more people clinging to a floating door. 379 00:16:38,123 --> 00:16:39,749 I'm sorry, lady. It's a safety issue. 380 00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:42,002 Oh, no, you're going to have a safety issue... 381 00:16:42,085 --> 00:16:44,254 If you don't take me away from this whale. 382 00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:47,233 - —Okay, a little too much finger, a little too much attitude. - What's all this? 383 00:16:47,257 --> 00:16:49,634 Two hours of Mitchell's hard work going down the drain. 384 00:16:49,718 --> 00:16:52,721 Look, I can't fit more than 30 people on the boat, 385 00:16:52,804 --> 00:16:54,681 as I was just explaining to the lady here. 386 00:16:54,764 --> 00:16:56,641 Well, first of all, that lady is my son. 387 00:16:56,725 --> 00:16:59,561 - He wasn't— he wasn't talking about me. - I was talking about her. 388 00:16:59,644 --> 00:17:03,064 Oh, her. Oh, it's “her” now. Well, “her” happens to be my wife. 389 00:17:03,148 --> 00:17:05,525 You got a problem with her, you got a problem with me. 390 00:17:05,609 --> 00:17:07,694 No, no, Jay, calm down. 391 00:17:07,777 --> 00:17:10,030 I didn't have a problem before, but now I'm starting to. 392 00:17:10,113 --> 00:17:12,073 No, your problem is about to get a lot bigger. 393 00:17:12,157 --> 00:17:14,784 No, Jay. I know you think this is what I want, but it's not. 394 00:17:14,910 --> 00:17:18,496 I got this, Gloria. No, Jay, I was just being stupid today. 395 00:17:18,580 --> 00:17:22,500 I like that you're calm, that you think first and you act second. 396 00:17:22,584 --> 00:17:24,336 I need that in my life. 397 00:17:24,419 --> 00:17:25,962 Yeah. So walk away, grandpa. 398 00:17:26,046 --> 00:17:27,206 You know what... 399 00:17:27,255 --> 00:17:29,716 Nobody calls him grandpa! 400 00:17:29,799 --> 00:17:32,385 I do. [ Captain I okay, that's it. 401 00:17:32,469 --> 00:17:35,347 No boat. Everybody off my dock, or I'm calling the cops. 402 00:17:35,472 --> 00:17:37,724 Wait, wait. So no party now? No, no, of course. 403 00:17:37,807 --> 00:17:39,684 Just— just give me a minute, okay? 404 00:17:39,768 --> 00:17:43,206 Well, after what you did with two hours, I can't wait to see what you do with a minute. 405 00:17:43,230 --> 00:17:44,731 Cam... 406 00:17:44,814 --> 00:17:47,067 Poor cam. He seems so upset. 407 00:17:47,150 --> 00:17:50,153 Oh, is that hard for you, Phil? That he's having a feeling around you? 408 00:17:50,278 --> 00:17:51,947 Oh, I'm so sorry. Too many emotions? 409 00:17:52,030 --> 00:17:53,990 Okay, okay, I give up! 410 00:17:54,824 --> 00:17:56,785 Yeah, I made a mistake today. 411 00:17:56,868 --> 00:17:59,079 But only because the three of you ganged up on me, 412 00:17:59,162 --> 00:18:02,749 like when the wolf man, Dracula and Frankenstein show up in the same movie, 413 00:18:02,832 --> 00:18:05,377 except this wasn't awesome! 414 00:18:05,460 --> 00:18:08,463 I have been on an emotional roller coaster all day today. 415 00:18:08,546 --> 00:18:10,507 I'm afraid. I'm mad. I'm mad because I'm afraid. 416 00:18:10,632 --> 00:18:14,278 Now I can't even think straight because I'm in so much pain from what just happened over there. 417 00:18:14,302 --> 00:18:16,972 And the whole thing makes me so sad, and I'm not even sure why, 418 00:18:17,055 --> 00:18:19,724 and I'm nauseous from that smell, but I'm so hungry. 419 00:18:23,019 --> 00:18:24,813 Yeah. 420 00:18:26,064 --> 00:18:28,608 Cam, the—the boat wasn't even part of the plan. 421 00:18:28,692 --> 00:18:31,861 No, it's fine. It's my fault for letting my expectations get too high. 422 00:18:31,945 --> 00:18:33,697 I'll get over this one too. 423 00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:36,366 No, no, I had this whole wizard of oz party planned, 424 00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:39,869 only today I realized that it might be a little too tornado-y. 425 00:18:39,995 --> 00:18:41,579 Today? Yes.Fnisony. 426 00:18:41,663 --> 00:18:43,206 I didn't make the connection, okay? 427 00:18:43,290 --> 00:18:45,292 Probably 'cause I've been planning for months... 428 00:18:45,375 --> 00:18:47,669 So that you could have the perfect party and be happy, 429 00:18:47,752 --> 00:18:49,546 which now I don't even think is possible. 430 00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:53,383 Oh, I'm sorry that I would like to have a nice 10th birthday party. 431 00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:57,887 Well, you can't have it, cam. You want to know why? Because you're 40! 432 00:18:57,971 --> 00:19:00,223 You're a 40—year—old man! 433 00:19:03,059 --> 00:19:04,894 I am 40. 434 00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:09,357 I'm 40. Yes. 435 00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:13,153 Okay, stop it. 436 00:19:13,236 --> 00:19:15,613 I'm 40, and I'm on this stupid... 437 00:19:15,697 --> 00:19:19,200 Wait, what is that? What is this... thing? 438 00:19:19,284 --> 00:19:23,913 Suddenly it all made sense. Cam's craziness all day wasn't about a party. 439 00:19:23,997 --> 00:19:27,667 It was about turning 40. And once he realized that, 440 00:19:27,751 --> 00:19:29,711 everything got much worse. 441 00:19:29,794 --> 00:19:31,838 I've done nothing with my life! 442 00:19:31,921 --> 00:19:34,507 What? Stop it. Come on. How can you say that? 443 00:19:34,591 --> 00:19:39,220 You're a wonderful father. You— You graduated from clown college. 444 00:19:39,304 --> 00:19:41,097 You've been to France. 445 00:19:41,222 --> 00:19:44,351 I don't want to be 40. It's not fair. I know. 446 00:19:44,434 --> 00:19:46,227 Nothing's fair. 447 00:19:46,353 --> 00:19:51,608 Two miles from here is an amusement park full of happy families swinging on a trapeze. 448 00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:54,527 That's all I wanted for my special bonus day. 449 00:19:57,906 --> 00:19:59,741 What? 450 00:19:59,824 --> 00:20:02,786 I'd been trying so hard to figure out what cam wanted for his birthday. 451 00:20:03,787 --> 00:20:06,206 He'd been telling me all along. 452 00:20:06,289 --> 00:20:08,124 He wanted to be 10. 453 00:20:08,208 --> 00:20:10,668 Whoo! 454 00:20:12,379 --> 00:20:14,464 Whoo! 455 00:20:18,385 --> 00:20:20,512 Seriously? There's nothing you can do? 456 00:20:20,595 --> 00:20:22,430 I'm sorry. You just missed the cutoff. 457 00:20:22,514 --> 00:20:24,516 How about we see you next time? 458 00:20:24,599 --> 00:20:27,936 How about you make an exception and strap him in there? 459 00:20:28,019 --> 00:20:30,206 Yeah, we're like 10 minutes past your deadline anyways. 460 00:20:30,230 --> 00:20:31,832 And you don't want to make us angry today. 461 00:20:31,856 --> 00:20:33,900 Ladies, I really can't— “ladies”? No, no, no. 462 00:20:33,983 --> 00:20:36,528 Seriously? 463 00:20:38,613 --> 00:20:41,991 And that was how they apologized to me. 464 00:20:42,117 --> 00:20:44,327 - Whoo! - Come on, Phil! 465 00:20:44,452 --> 00:20:45,537 Go, dad! Oh! 466 00:20:45,620 --> 00:20:47,330 Go, Phil! 467 00:20:47,414 --> 00:20:49,874 Go, daddy! 468 00:20:49,958 --> 00:20:53,336 At least I— I think it was. I could never ask them. 469 00:20:56,381 --> 00:20:59,092 This is so satisfying! 470 00:20:59,175 --> 00:21:00,760 Best I've felt all day! 471 00:21:02,846 --> 00:21:05,974 Can I rent one of these on a monthly basis? 472 00:21:07,851 --> 00:21:09,227 Yeah! Yes! 473 00:21:09,310 --> 00:21:11,104 Oh, yay! 474 00:21:12,522 --> 00:21:14,107 Best 40th birthday party ever. 475 00:21:14,190 --> 00:21:16,025 No, no. Tenth. 476 00:21:16,151 --> 00:21:17,819 Really? Yeah. 477 00:21:17,902 --> 00:21:19,463 In fact, you're still that sexy little... 478 00:21:19,487 --> 00:21:21,406 Eight—year—old I fell in love with. 479 00:21:24,534 --> 00:21:27,662 Oh, um— no, just go. 480 00:21:32,542 --> 00:21:33,543 English - us - psdh