1 00:00:02,086 --> 00:00:04,922 - [Chaflefing] -[Jay] - Igoflatehyou... 2 00:00:05,006 --> 00:00:07,550 If I could just have everybody's attention real quick. 3 00:00:07,633 --> 00:00:10,219 Um, on this wonderful occasion... 4 00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:13,222 Our daughter leaving tomorrow for college— [all 1 oh! 5 00:00:13,306 --> 00:00:15,850 If I could get everyone to raise their glass. 6 00:00:15,933 --> 00:00:19,812 As I quote from one of our nation's great fathers— Jefferson. 7 00:00:19,896 --> 00:00:21,772 George Jefferson. 8 00:00:21,856 --> 00:00:24,418 “I never dreamed that one of my own would be going off to a university, 9 00:00:24,442 --> 00:00:26,402 but here I stand, a proud black man, 10 00:00:26,485 --> 00:00:28,589 knowing that all those hours I put in at the dry cleaner”... 11 00:00:28,613 --> 00:00:31,407 - Phil. - Not now, weezy. Where was I? 12 00:00:31,490 --> 00:00:32,992 Quoting that president. 13 00:00:33,075 --> 00:00:34,535 Okay, if she's the future of america, 14 00:00:34,619 --> 00:00:36,179 we should start using Chinese money now. 15 00:00:36,204 --> 00:00:37,663 We already are. 16 00:00:37,747 --> 00:00:39,707 My arm is tired. To Haley. 17 00:00:39,790 --> 00:00:41,375 [ All ] To Haley! 18 00:00:41,459 --> 00:00:43,544 And before everyone puts their glasses down, 19 00:00:43,628 --> 00:00:45,671 uh, we're also very proud of Lily. 20 00:00:45,755 --> 00:00:48,466 Tomorrow is her first day of kindergarten. 21 00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:50,885 To Lily. [ Gloria ] Oh, Lily. 22 00:00:50,968 --> 00:00:52,648 To Lily. And you'll be impressed to know... 23 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:54,760 That she's gonna be one of the smartest girls there. 24 00:00:54,805 --> 00:00:57,433 Lily, sweetie, what's the square root of 64? Eight. 25 00:00:57,516 --> 00:00:59,393 - [ Phil ] Hey! - Nice trick. 26 00:00:59,477 --> 00:01:01,812 Hey, Lily, what's the square root of this potato? 27 00:01:01,896 --> 00:01:04,357 - Eight. - Congratulations. You have a parrot. 28 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:06,442 [ Mouthing words ] 29 00:01:06,525 --> 00:01:10,154 We couldn't even get through the toast to Haley before you pulled focus to Lily. 30 00:01:10,238 --> 00:01:13,032 Oh, come on. It's— it's a big day for both of them, huh? 31 00:01:13,115 --> 00:01:15,076 Haley going to college is a miracle. 32 00:01:15,159 --> 00:01:17,078 Lily going to kindergarten is the law. 33 00:01:17,161 --> 00:01:21,082 Well, Haley and Lily aren't the only ones starting school. 34 00:01:21,165 --> 00:01:23,542 My mom and Jay are going to parenting class. 35 00:01:23,626 --> 00:01:27,046 We're doing it for the baby. Not this baby. That baby. 36 00:01:27,129 --> 00:01:29,882 Manny doesn't believe that we know what we're doing. 37 00:01:29,966 --> 00:01:31,842 A couple of new hairs under his arm, 38 00:01:31,926 --> 00:01:34,262 and now he thinks he knows more than his own mother. 39 00:01:34,345 --> 00:01:37,185 I know not to embarrass my son as he stands on the threshold of manhood. 40 00:01:37,223 --> 00:01:39,100 I don't know why I have to go to this thing. 41 00:01:39,183 --> 00:01:40,977 In case you've forgotten, I raised two kids. 42 00:01:41,060 --> 00:01:42,520 [ Claire ] Ow! Ow! Ow! 43 00:01:42,645 --> 00:01:44,480 Stop pulling my hair. Stop twisting my nipple. 44 00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:46,857 Shut up. Shut up. 45 00:01:46,941 --> 00:01:49,277 Why look at me? It was their mother's fault. 46 00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:50,861 I was barely around. 47 00:01:50,945 --> 00:01:52,613 No! O-Ow! 48 00:01:53,864 --> 00:01:55,700 Y hey, heyy 49 00:01:55,783 --> 00:01:57,785 y hey, heyy 50 00:01:57,868 --> 00:01:59,912 y hey, heyy 51 00:01:59,996 --> 00:02:01,872 y hey, heyy 52 00:02:01,956 --> 00:02:03,165 j hey jv 53 00:02:05,876 --> 00:02:08,879 Haley, this is, like, the third bag of makeup and hair care products. 54 00:02:08,963 --> 00:02:11,424 Dad, if you want me to get good grades, I have to look cute. 55 00:02:11,549 --> 00:02:13,801 Don't say a word. No. No. I agree with that premise. 56 00:02:13,884 --> 00:02:16,595 Thank you. Wait. 57 00:02:16,679 --> 00:02:18,347 Yeah, thank you. 58 00:02:20,683 --> 00:02:22,143 Mm-hmm? Claire. 59 00:02:22,226 --> 00:02:24,562 In Haley's stuff, there's a box of condoms. 60 00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:27,023 Yeah. Um, I-I bought those for her. 61 00:02:27,106 --> 00:02:31,193 What? Why don't you just buy her some fishnet stockings and a nurse's outfit? 62 00:02:31,277 --> 00:02:33,612 Not that that's my thing. That just popped into my head. 63 00:02:33,696 --> 00:02:35,740 Honey, she's an adult, and she's going to college. 64 00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:38,743 I want to be realistic. I don't want her to get caught unprepared. 65 00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:41,412 Twenty-four times? What, are you buying her a four-year supply? 66 00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:44,433 [Scoffs ] Please, Phil. That would've lasted me and my college boyfriend... 67 00:02:44,457 --> 00:02:47,209 Ah! La, la, la, la, la, la! 68 00:02:47,293 --> 00:02:49,420 [Sighs] Okay, we gotta hit the road. 69 00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:51,505 Give your sister a hug good-bye. 70 00:02:53,090 --> 00:02:56,135 Don't dork up our room. Don't slut up your college. 71 00:02:56,802 --> 00:02:57,970 Hmm. 72 00:02:59,764 --> 00:03:02,516 Seriously, though, don't study too hard, okay? 73 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:04,352 I'm totally going to have fun. 74 00:03:04,435 --> 00:03:06,854 I'm Iceland in the mock u.N. 75 00:03:06,937 --> 00:03:08,606 Mom, we're gonna lose her. 76 00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:10,983 I am doing my best. 77 00:03:11,067 --> 00:03:12,943 Luke, come say good-bye to your sister. 78 00:03:13,027 --> 00:03:15,696 [ Muffied ] I'm right here. 79 00:03:15,780 --> 00:03:18,032 Bye, Haley. Have fun. 80 00:03:18,115 --> 00:03:20,117 Don't drink too much beer and shots of Tequila. 81 00:03:20,201 --> 00:03:21,827 Why are you wearing that mask? 82 00:03:21,911 --> 00:03:23,829 Uh, I like it. 83 00:03:23,913 --> 00:03:25,664 He doesn't want you to see him cry. 84 00:03:25,790 --> 00:03:28,000 He's literally masking his emotions. 85 00:03:28,084 --> 00:03:29,877 That's so sweet. Come here. 86 00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:32,463 It's not sweet. I'm an evil cyborg. 87 00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:35,716 Half my face was burned off in an industrial accident, 88 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:38,386 and the mask is hiding the servos that control my mouth. 89 00:03:38,469 --> 00:03:40,096 Oh! Oh! 90 00:03:40,179 --> 00:03:42,681 Yes, I am sad Haley is leaving, 91 00:03:42,765 --> 00:03:45,476 but I'm gonna be okay, knowing I've done everything I can... 92 00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:49,730 To get her set up and prepared and off on the right foot. 93 00:03:49,814 --> 00:03:51,023 Not me. 94 00:03:51,107 --> 00:03:53,187 When we're standing in her dorm room saying good-bye, 95 00:03:53,234 --> 00:03:56,028 it's gonna be one of the most emotional moments of my life. 96 00:03:56,112 --> 00:03:58,280 I'm gonna cry harder than the first time I saw air bud. 97 00:03:59,698 --> 00:04:01,700 Especially when I give her this. 98 00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:04,286 Phil's-esoph y hmm. 99 00:04:04,370 --> 00:04:06,997 A hardbound collection of all the life lessons I've learned, 100 00:04:07,081 --> 00:04:08,582 such as... 101 00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:13,003 “Always look people in the eye, 102 00:04:13,087 --> 00:04:14,755 even if they're blind. 103 00:04:14,839 --> 00:04:17,925 Justsay, 'I'm looking you in the eye.”' 104 00:04:20,052 --> 00:04:22,763 “if you get pulled over for speeding, 105 00:04:22,847 --> 00:04:25,516 tell the policeman your spouse has diarrhea.” 106 00:04:29,019 --> 00:04:30,521 Phil's-esoph y 107 00:04:31,981 --> 00:04:33,107 [ children chattering ] 108 00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:35,359 Look how much fun you're gonna have here, Lily. 109 00:04:35,443 --> 00:04:37,278 So many great toys to play with. 110 00:04:37,361 --> 00:04:39,447 And you're gonna make so many new friends. Oh! 111 00:04:39,572 --> 00:04:41,740 I wish I was in kindergarten again. Oh, not me. 112 00:04:41,824 --> 00:04:44,511 Did I ever tell you about David Anthony? He used to call me “cam the ham.” 113 00:04:44,535 --> 00:04:47,788 Okay, Lily's day. You're right. You know what? It's gonna be a great day. 114 00:04:47,872 --> 00:04:50,392 I'm just saying, it's difficult to grow up with a name that rhymes with ham. 115 00:04:50,416 --> 00:04:53,210 Hello? Mitch? Witch. Twitch. 116 00:04:53,294 --> 00:04:54,336 [Whispers ] Bitch. 117 00:04:54,462 --> 00:04:56,255 Elaine stritch. What? 118 00:04:56,338 --> 00:04:58,174 Not all bullies are straight. 119 00:04:58,299 --> 00:05:00,092 Okay, parents! [ Cameron ] Oh! Okay. 120 00:05:00,176 --> 00:05:02,011 We'll see you at 12:00. 121 00:05:02,094 --> 00:05:03,554 All right. Mmm! 122 00:05:03,679 --> 00:05:05,473 This is when the crying starts. Mmm! 123 00:05:05,556 --> 00:05:07,725 Does it ever stop? Come on, cam. 124 00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:09,602 Okay. You know what, Lily, sweetie? 125 00:05:09,727 --> 00:05:11,729 I know this is gonna be difficult... 126 00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:14,565 Okay. That was a knife to the heart. 127 00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:17,193 No, it's— it's a good thing. Come on. 128 00:05:17,318 --> 00:05:19,904 Oh, you know what? She forgot her snack. Oh. 129 00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:22,072 [ Mitchell ] Where'd she— where'd she go? 130 00:05:22,156 --> 00:05:26,160 - Did she go there? - Ow! That hurts! Ow! That hurts! 131 00:05:26,243 --> 00:05:28,621 Oh, Lily, honey! Sweetheart, come here. Come here. 132 00:05:29,914 --> 00:05:33,167 If you ever put your hands on my daughter again, 133 00:05:33,250 --> 00:05:35,645 I will string you up by your feet, run you up the flagpole... 134 00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:38,464 And let the birds peck out your eyes. 135 00:05:39,256 --> 00:05:40,424 You understand? 136 00:05:40,508 --> 00:05:42,635 Mr. Tucker, put that boy down! 137 00:05:46,555 --> 00:05:48,182 He pulled my daughter's hair. 138 00:05:48,265 --> 00:05:49,892 Please apologize to Connor... 139 00:05:49,975 --> 00:05:53,812 For using your hands instead of your words. 140 00:05:53,896 --> 00:05:55,898 Sorry, little fella. 141 00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:58,025 I would like to see you in my office. Right. 142 00:05:58,108 --> 00:06:00,903 Now, please. Me too? Oh. 143 00:06:03,072 --> 00:06:04,865 [ Mouthing words ] 144 00:06:06,784 --> 00:06:08,077 Caw! Caw! 145 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:10,621 Stop it. Leave him alone. 146 00:06:13,666 --> 00:06:15,000 [ Door closes ] 147 00:06:15,084 --> 00:06:17,211 Mr. Tucker, what happened out there was unacceptable. 148 00:06:17,294 --> 00:06:19,505 I agree. Is this kindergarten or the hunger games? 149 00:06:19,588 --> 00:06:21,340 I'm speaking of your behavior. 150 00:06:21,423 --> 00:06:23,092 We've never had an incident like this, 151 00:06:23,175 --> 00:06:25,719 and now we've had one on the first day, before circle time. 152 00:06:25,803 --> 00:06:27,304 What the fudge were you thinking? 153 00:06:27,388 --> 00:06:29,431 Now the boy's parents are coming in, and trust me, 154 00:06:29,515 --> 00:06:31,308 they're mad as hello kitty. 155 00:06:31,392 --> 00:06:33,811 Oh, you told his parents on us? [Scoffs] 156 00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:35,563 That is— that is so not cool. 157 00:06:35,646 --> 00:06:39,400 Well, I'm sure once they hear what their boy did, they will be understanding. 158 00:06:39,483 --> 00:06:43,320 All right. Whoever made our son cry has messed with the wrong moms. 159 00:06:44,488 --> 00:06:46,448 [ Together] Lesbians. 160 00:06:46,532 --> 00:06:48,742 While often lumped together, gay men and lesbians... 161 00:06:48,826 --> 00:06:50,786 Have less in common than one might think. 162 00:06:50,869 --> 00:06:53,706 Like in the venn diagram of sexual identity, 163 00:06:53,831 --> 00:06:57,042 you have gay men— And straight men. 164 00:06:57,126 --> 00:06:58,794 Both the same gender. 165 00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:02,089 Then you have gay men— And straight women. 166 00:07:02,172 --> 00:07:04,758 Both attracted to the same gender. 167 00:07:04,842 --> 00:07:06,677 But gay men and lesbians? 168 00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:09,680 Yeah. Nothing. 169 00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:12,182 I am so sorry we have to meet like this, 170 00:07:12,266 --> 00:07:14,184 but I'm sure you can understand, as parents, 171 00:07:14,268 --> 00:07:16,270 the instinct to protect your child. 172 00:07:16,353 --> 00:07:18,993 Yeah, that's what makes me want to punch you in the neck right now. 173 00:07:19,064 --> 00:07:21,400 Wow. I see where your son gets all of his aggression. 174 00:07:21,483 --> 00:07:23,319 Okay, let's all take a time-out. 175 00:07:23,402 --> 00:07:25,422 That's a good idea. This is getting a little heated. Right? 176 00:07:25,446 --> 00:07:28,324 Yeah, Pam. We don't want another incident like at the lumberyard. 177 00:07:28,407 --> 00:07:30,951 Oh, my god. You guys go to the lumberyard too? 178 00:07:31,035 --> 00:07:32,661 I didn't know they had a ladies' night. 179 00:07:32,745 --> 00:07:34,538 Not the bar, Sally. 180 00:07:34,622 --> 00:07:37,833 Okay, you know what? He's trying to be nice, and you just called him Sally. 181 00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:40,085 Yeah, you're not being very helpful, peppermint Patty. 182 00:07:40,169 --> 00:07:42,963 - Let's just stick to our actual names. - Enough. 183 00:07:43,047 --> 00:07:45,174 I'm gonna give you a little homework assignment. 184 00:07:45,257 --> 00:07:48,052 I want you and your kids to have a family playdate. 185 00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:49,970 Maybe if the four of you can get along, 186 00:07:50,054 --> 00:07:52,014 you can set a better example for your children. 187 00:07:52,097 --> 00:07:54,975 I think that's a wonderful idea. Pam? 188 00:07:55,059 --> 00:07:56,352 Cam? Fine. 189 00:07:56,477 --> 00:07:58,604 Fine. We'll host, obviously. “Obviously”? 190 00:07:58,687 --> 00:08:01,291 Well, I assume you have an unfinished woodworking project at your house. 191 00:08:01,315 --> 00:08:02,858 You've got a lot of nerve. 192 00:08:02,941 --> 00:08:06,528 Yeah, and you've got half a canoe in our living room. 193 00:08:06,612 --> 00:08:08,405 I look foward to your frittata. 194 00:08:08,489 --> 00:08:11,158 Oh. Why, are you visiting us in 2008? 195 00:08:13,243 --> 00:08:15,663 [Woman chattering ] Yeah. 196 00:08:15,746 --> 00:08:17,289 Thank you. 197 00:08:18,499 --> 00:08:20,334 You have some explaining to do. 198 00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:23,337 I'm so sorry that you had to find out like this, Jay. 199 00:08:23,420 --> 00:08:24,672 [ Chuckling ] 200 00:08:24,755 --> 00:08:26,882 Wow, you two are really far along. 201 00:08:26,965 --> 00:08:28,884 We're, uh— we're still on our first trimester. 202 00:08:28,967 --> 00:08:30,594 A y, that's nice. 203 00:08:30,678 --> 00:08:32,364 Yeah, we've been trying to get pregnant for ages. 204 00:08:32,388 --> 00:08:35,808 She's latina. You just gotta look at her funny. 205 00:08:35,891 --> 00:08:38,936 [ English accent] Okay! Now that everyone has their doll, 206 00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:40,896 let's talk about swaddling. 207 00:08:40,979 --> 00:08:44,233 Now, you want to start by turning one corner of the blanket toward you, 208 00:08:44,316 --> 00:08:45,859 like a diamond, 209 00:08:45,943 --> 00:08:49,905 and folding the top down, like this. 210 00:08:49,988 --> 00:08:52,991 [Whispers] I think they made a mistake at the hospital. 211 00:08:54,660 --> 00:08:56,412 Tough room. 212 00:08:56,495 --> 00:08:59,415 Now we are going to pull the other corner round... 213 00:08:59,498 --> 00:09:02,084 And tuck it in nice and snug... 214 00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:03,669 Like a burrito. 215 00:09:03,752 --> 00:09:05,963 Done! I win. 216 00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:08,549 - It's not a race. - Darn right. It wasn't even close. 217 00:09:08,632 --> 00:09:12,344 Oh! [Laughs] 218 00:09:12,428 --> 00:09:15,389 Okay, it's good, but it's a little tight. 219 00:09:15,472 --> 00:09:18,434 It's a burrito. You don't want the meat to fall out. 220 00:09:18,517 --> 00:09:20,519 Here. And try like this. 221 00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:25,190 And see? 222 00:09:25,274 --> 00:09:27,651 Now your baby can breathe. 223 00:09:29,236 --> 00:09:32,781 I wrapped my son with one hand while driving a stick. 224 00:09:32,865 --> 00:09:36,160 I think I know how to keep a baby safe. [Scoffs] 225 00:09:39,121 --> 00:09:40,956 Man, I love being back in the dorms. 226 00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:43,208 It's like I never left. 227 00:09:43,292 --> 00:09:46,295 Throw up a David Copperfield poster, this could be my room. 228 00:09:46,378 --> 00:09:48,797 Honey, Haley and I have to go fill out some papen/vork. 229 00:09:48,881 --> 00:09:51,091 Why don't you throw the linens on the bed? 230 00:09:51,216 --> 00:09:53,260 Oh, and move the car before they tow us. Okay. 231 00:09:53,343 --> 00:09:55,053 Oh, my god. What is that shirt? 232 00:09:55,137 --> 00:09:57,347 Pretty sweet, huh? “Haley Dunphy moving company.” 233 00:09:57,431 --> 00:10:00,225 See? 'Cause we're moving you here and here. 234 00:10:00,309 --> 00:10:03,312 And also... here. 235 00:10:03,395 --> 00:10:06,440 Man, you used to love it when we swung you like that. 236 00:10:06,523 --> 00:10:08,108 I bet we could still do it. 237 00:10:08,192 --> 00:10:09,193 Yeah. Yeah! 238 00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:10,778 Oh, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. 239 00:10:10,861 --> 00:10:13,173 - Don't you dare pick me up! And take that shirt off. - What? Why? 240 00:10:13,197 --> 00:10:15,449 - It's cute! - It's not cute! 241 00:10:15,532 --> 00:10:17,201 Do you see what's happening out there? 242 00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:20,204 - People are walking around and judging each other. - No, they're not. 243 00:10:20,287 --> 00:10:23,349 Oh, really? You didn't see the way muffin top across the hall was looking at me? 244 00:10:23,373 --> 00:10:25,584 People can be cruel. So take it off. 245 00:10:25,667 --> 00:10:27,878 [ Sighs 1 fine. 246 00:10:29,004 --> 00:10:30,464 Oh, my god! Put on a shirt! 247 00:10:30,547 --> 00:10:32,758 I don't know what you want from me! 248 00:10:32,841 --> 00:10:35,135 “You only get one chance at a first impression. 249 00:10:35,219 --> 00:10:39,139 I suggest Julia child, because it's easy to do.” 250 00:10:39,223 --> 00:10:41,809 [ Imitating Julia child ] Save the giblets. 251 00:10:41,892 --> 00:10:43,352 [Laughs] 252 00:10:43,435 --> 00:10:44,812 [ Connor] Time to go to the beach! 253 00:10:44,895 --> 00:10:46,956 [ Mitchell ] You're gonna go to the beach with the dog? 254 00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:50,234 That dog on the beach. I don't know what I did to deserve this. 255 00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:52,110 I want to show Connor my toys. 256 00:10:52,194 --> 00:10:53,612 Oh, okay. You do that, sweetie. 257 00:10:53,695 --> 00:10:56,782 - Hey, Connor, uh, no hair pulling. - Thank you for that. 258 00:10:56,865 --> 00:11:00,536 Okay, we have an assortment of spring rolls here. 259 00:11:00,619 --> 00:11:02,246 All vegetarian, of course. 260 00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:05,082 Oh, 'cause I'm a lesbian, I'm automatically a vegetarian? 261 00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:07,668 Well, I saw it on thel word. Lassume they have consultants. 262 00:11:07,751 --> 00:11:09,551 I'm just saying, it's an offensive stereotype. 263 00:11:09,628 --> 00:11:11,922 Okay, Pam, you are a vegetarian. 264 00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:13,924 - Oh! - Knock it off. 265 00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:15,926 [ Mitchell ] Worked out. [ Chuckles ] 266 00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:18,303 Yeah. So glad that we are doing this. 267 00:11:18,387 --> 00:11:20,222 Yeah. Yeah, me too. Yeah. 268 00:11:20,305 --> 00:11:22,158 I mean, we're the only gay parents in the class. 269 00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:24,268 Yeah, we should be supporting one another. 270 00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:27,771 - I mean, we have so much in common. - Exactly. 271 00:11:30,816 --> 00:11:33,652 So... tell us about yourselves. 272 00:11:33,777 --> 00:11:36,572 I'm an environmental lawyer. Uh, and I'm a homemaker. 273 00:11:36,655 --> 00:11:37,948 Hmm. 274 00:11:39,074 --> 00:11:40,617 And— and what do you do? 275 00:11:40,701 --> 00:11:42,369 I'm a financial consultant. 276 00:11:42,452 --> 00:11:44,788 - I'm a contractor. - Hmm. 277 00:11:45,914 --> 00:11:47,666 You thought I was a pe. Teacher? 278 00:11:47,749 --> 00:11:49,668 I figured. Hey, I have a question. Real quick: 279 00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:51,604 How do you guys get the car seat on the motorcycle? 280 00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:54,256 Uh, you know, Connor is having a birthday next week. 281 00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:56,526 - Maybe Lily would like to come. - Oh, she would love that. 282 00:11:56,550 --> 00:11:58,218 Oh, great. Are you guys having a clown? 283 00:11:58,302 --> 00:12:01,555 Oh, god, no. I hate clowns. They're so creepy. 284 00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:04,474 Maybe you just don't like 'em 'cause they wear makeup. [ Pops lips] 285 00:12:05,726 --> 00:12:07,436 You know what? I'm out. 286 00:12:07,561 --> 00:12:09,813 Okay. Connor, we're leaving! 287 00:12:09,897 --> 00:12:12,065 You don't understand. Cam used to be a clown. 288 00:12:12,149 --> 00:12:13,829 “Used to be”? Once a clown, always a clown. 289 00:12:13,859 --> 00:12:15,485 God! Not now! Not now! Stop it! 290 00:12:15,611 --> 00:12:17,613 Connor, let's go! Pam. 291 00:12:20,449 --> 00:12:22,492 What? Why is this door locked? 292 00:12:22,576 --> 00:12:24,661 Here. Let me, please. 293 00:12:24,745 --> 00:12:27,497 Lily, open this door right now. 294 00:12:27,581 --> 00:12:29,541 Okay. I'm not hearing anything. 295 00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:33,045 I'm sure they're fine. Oh, how are you sure? 296 00:12:33,128 --> 00:12:34,463 Connor! Lily! 297 00:12:34,588 --> 00:12:36,381 Connor! [ High-pitched voice ] Lily! 298 00:12:39,551 --> 00:12:41,970 Make the water comfortably warm... 299 00:12:42,054 --> 00:12:44,556 90 to 100 degrees Max. 300 00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:47,184 And never leave the tub unsupervised. 301 00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:48,769 [ Sputters, snickers ] 302 00:12:48,852 --> 00:12:50,020 [ Mock coughing ] 303 00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:52,397 Is there something you two want to share with the class? 304 00:12:52,481 --> 00:12:54,775 No. It's dirty. 305 00:12:54,858 --> 00:12:57,319 Excuse me. We're trying to learn here. 306 00:12:57,402 --> 00:13:01,114 Don't worry so much. Babies are tougher than you think. 307 00:13:01,198 --> 00:13:04,117 When I was five years old, my babysitter was a goat. 308 00:13:04,242 --> 00:13:06,745 What? Ay, please. You know about lupe. 309 00:13:06,828 --> 00:13:08,455 Never said she was a goat. 310 00:13:08,538 --> 00:13:12,292 You know, it's great that we have a couple of experienced parents in the class. 311 00:13:12,376 --> 00:13:15,963 Perhaps you can share some of your wisdom with the rest of us. 312 00:13:16,046 --> 00:13:17,923 Absolutely. It's not rocket science. 313 00:13:18,006 --> 00:13:19,800 It's babies. They're hungry, you feed 'em. 314 00:13:19,883 --> 00:13:22,135 - They're teething, you give 'em some scotch. - Scotch? 315 00:13:22,260 --> 00:13:23,460 [Woman ] Really? [ Murmuring ] 316 00:13:23,512 --> 00:13:24,721 What? 317 00:13:24,846 --> 00:13:27,891 So we left. I didn't need a lecture from Mary poppins. 318 00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:30,727 And I was suddenly in a mood for a burrito. 319 00:13:30,811 --> 00:13:33,730 [ Chattering ] 320 00:13:33,814 --> 00:13:36,274 I boy I I called you, like, five times already. 321 00:13:38,068 --> 00:13:40,654 I'd like admission to your student body. [ Gasps ] 322 00:13:40,737 --> 00:13:43,448 Oh, my goodness! I am so sorry. I thought you were my wife. 323 00:13:43,532 --> 00:13:45,826 - What's going on? - He grabbed me and said... 324 00:13:45,909 --> 00:13:47,995 I thought she was my wife. My wife works out a lot. 325 00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:49,746 [ Haley] Dad? Medhegmbymfl 326 00:13:49,871 --> 00:13:52,457 he squeezed my butt. He what? 327 00:13:52,582 --> 00:13:54,418 Phil! I thought it was you! 328 00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:57,504 Believe me, sir, I'm a respected realtor. This is an innocent mistake. 329 00:13:57,587 --> 00:14:00,048 Honey, turn around and show him your butt. It's— it's uncanny. 330 00:14:00,132 --> 00:14:03,468 Dad! I am very normal. Please do not judge me based on them. 331 00:14:03,593 --> 00:14:06,096 Are those your my little pony sheets? What? No! 332 00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:07,681 Oh. I ordered them online. 333 00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:09,684 They must've sent the wrong ones. I'm very sorry. 334 00:14:09,766 --> 00:14:11,852 That's what was in the box. Oh. [ Haley gasps ] 335 00:14:14,271 --> 00:14:16,398 Okay. Uh, for the record, 336 00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:18,567 I am a respected realtor. 337 00:14:18,650 --> 00:14:21,695 Those are not my condoms. She bought 'em. 338 00:14:21,778 --> 00:14:24,132 - Oh, my god. - Apparently, that's what people do these days... 339 00:14:24,156 --> 00:14:25,991 Buy condoms for their kids. Uh-huh. 340 00:14:26,074 --> 00:14:28,261 When I went to college, my parents bought me a bicycle helmet. 341 00:14:28,285 --> 00:14:30,680 That was their idea of safety. Certainly didn't need condoms. 342 00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:33,707 Not if you were wearing a bike helmet around campus, you didn't. 343 00:14:33,790 --> 00:14:35,876 - Am I right? - Ugh! 344 00:14:35,959 --> 00:14:38,920 Why don't we let you guys finish, and we'll come back later? 345 00:14:39,004 --> 00:14:40,505 Okay. Okay. 346 00:14:40,589 --> 00:14:42,215 Yeah. Yeah. Yep. 347 00:14:42,299 --> 00:14:45,218 Yeah, that sounds good. See you on parents' weekend! 348 00:14:47,054 --> 00:14:49,056 They seem nice. Guys... 349 00:14:49,139 --> 00:14:51,683 I know. I know. Look, we need to reorganize a little. 350 00:14:51,767 --> 00:14:53,810 Your dad will go out and get us some new sheets. 351 00:14:53,894 --> 00:14:56,271 You and I can hang up all the pictures on the walls. 352 00:14:56,354 --> 00:14:58,499 You know what? I think it's best if you guys get going. 353 00:14:58,523 --> 00:15:01,943 But we— we wanted to help you, sweetie. No, I got it. 354 00:15:02,027 --> 00:15:03,796 Wh-what if you wanna move the furniture around? 355 00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:05,989 And we were gonna take you to dinner before we left. 356 00:15:06,073 --> 00:15:09,201 I like the furniture where it is, and I'm not hungry, so... 357 00:15:09,284 --> 00:15:10,660 Okay. Okay. 358 00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:12,913 Um, well, before we leave, 359 00:15:13,038 --> 00:15:14,706 I wanted to give you a little present. 360 00:15:14,790 --> 00:15:16,249 It's actually not a little present. 361 00:15:16,333 --> 00:15:18,794 It's probably the best present you're ever gonna get. 362 00:15:18,877 --> 00:15:20,438 It's a collection of all the things I've learned... 363 00:15:20,462 --> 00:15:22,964 Thanks. 364 00:15:23,048 --> 00:15:25,884 [ Woman on pa. I attention. Dorm meeting in the common room. 365 00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:28,762 Okay, so— I better go. [ Claire ] I know. 366 00:15:28,887 --> 00:15:30,388 [ Phil ] Okay. [ Mouths words ] 367 00:15:30,472 --> 00:15:32,224 Okay, come here. That's my girl. 368 00:15:32,349 --> 00:15:34,935 Okay. [ Chuckles ] Let me get in there. 369 00:15:35,018 --> 00:15:36,520 All right. Bye! 370 00:15:40,315 --> 00:15:43,610 “The most amazing things that can happen to a human being... 371 00:15:43,693 --> 00:15:45,320 Will happen to you... 372 00:15:45,403 --> 00:15:47,823 If you just lower your expectations.” 373 00:15:49,699 --> 00:15:51,660 Oh, they've got something over the hole. 374 00:15:51,785 --> 00:15:53,620 [ High-pitched voice ] Lfiw Connor! 375 00:15:53,703 --> 00:15:56,915 We can't see anything from outside. The curtains are closed. 376 00:15:56,998 --> 00:15:59,668 Open up, Connor! We'll let you have a hot dog! 377 00:15:59,751 --> 00:16:01,419 What if something happened to them? 378 00:16:01,503 --> 00:16:03,143 What kind of hazards do you keep in there? 379 00:16:03,213 --> 00:16:05,399 Well, let's see. That's where we keep our gun collection, 380 00:16:05,423 --> 00:16:07,652 our abandoned refrigerator and our chocolate-covered hypodermic needles. 381 00:16:07,676 --> 00:16:10,303 Why are gay men always so sarcastic? It's my coping mechanism! 382 00:16:10,387 --> 00:16:11,888 Okay, that's it/ 383 00:16:11,972 --> 00:16:15,100 Lily, Connor, if you can hear me, back away from the door. 384 00:16:15,225 --> 00:16:16,977 I'm gonna break it down. I'll help you. 385 00:16:17,060 --> 00:16:18,770 I Lily I I don't want Connor to go! 386 00:16:18,895 --> 00:16:21,648 [ Connor] I wanna stay! Oh, thank god. They're alive. 387 00:16:21,731 --> 00:16:23,191 [ Lily] I love him! 388 00:16:23,275 --> 00:16:26,444 No, you love the idea of him. Now open this door, sweetie. 389 00:16:26,528 --> 00:16:28,655 [ Connor] Can we really have hot dogs? 390 00:16:28,738 --> 00:16:30,699 Yes, we promise. 391 00:16:32,033 --> 00:16:33,833 [Pam ] Oh! [ Mitchell ] Come here, sweetheart. 392 00:16:33,910 --> 00:16:37,998 [ Cameron ] If you ask me, sometimes we get so hung up on our difi'erences, 393 00:16:38,081 --> 00:16:40,125 we forget the one thing we have in common. 394 00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:43,003 When it comes to the safety and well-being of our children, 395 00:16:43,086 --> 00:16:45,088 we're all a little bit nuts. 396 00:16:46,464 --> 00:16:48,842 You have dainty little hands, just like your daughter. 397 00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:50,427 You have boots like my dad. 398 00:16:52,262 --> 00:16:54,598 I'm not saying that the goat put me to sleep... 399 00:16:54,681 --> 00:16:56,349 Or brushed my teeth. 400 00:16:56,433 --> 00:16:58,476 It just stayed outside my bedroom window... 401 00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,312 And scared all the strangers away. 402 00:17:00,395 --> 00:17:03,481 Well, I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little disappointed. Hey, kid! 403 00:17:03,565 --> 00:17:05,734 Jay, mom. How was class? 404 00:17:05,817 --> 00:17:08,486 It was great. It was very educating. 405 00:17:08,570 --> 00:17:10,947 And-and now we know everything about the baby, no? 406 00:17:11,031 --> 00:17:14,159 Mm-hmm. Interesting, because your teacher called, 407 00:17:14,242 --> 00:17:16,661 and you forgot your sunglasses when you left... 408 00:17:16,745 --> 00:17:18,705 Three hours early. 409 00:17:18,788 --> 00:17:20,457 Ay, Manny, don't be mad. 410 00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:23,418 I'm not mad. Just disappointed. 411 00:17:23,501 --> 00:17:26,046 I hate this. I prefer when he screams. 412 00:17:26,129 --> 00:17:29,883 Manny, it's no big deal. They weren't telling us anything we didn't already know. 413 00:17:29,966 --> 00:17:32,677 We're going to have a baby. Am I the only one who's terrified? 414 00:17:32,761 --> 00:17:36,723 But why? Why are you so terrified? 415 00:17:36,806 --> 00:17:40,161 What if it doesn't know not to pick up knives or stick its finger in an electric socket? 416 00:17:40,185 --> 00:17:42,103 You were pretty lax, mom. 417 00:17:42,187 --> 00:17:45,583 I was the one who told you to turn the pot handles towards the stove so I couldn't reach them. 418 00:17:45,607 --> 00:17:49,653 Manny, I didn't worry about those things because you worried for the both of us. 419 00:17:49,736 --> 00:17:52,656 What if this baby doesn't think things through? It's part Jay. 420 00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:55,158 No offense taken. 421 00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:57,786 If the baby's different, we'll be different. 422 00:17:57,869 --> 00:18:02,916 Hey. When you were growing up, you had to be the man of the house and the kid. 423 00:18:02,999 --> 00:18:05,502 Now I'm here. You just have to be the kid. 424 00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:07,754 I'm not gonna let anything happen to the baby, 425 00:18:07,837 --> 00:18:11,091 just like I'm not ever gonna let anything happen to you. 426 00:18:11,174 --> 00:18:13,260 - Okay? - Okay. 427 00:18:13,343 --> 00:18:15,345 That is a load off. 428 00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:18,682 Although, you forgot to pick me up last week after tango class. 429 00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:21,226 We didn't forget. We were just 10 minutes late. 430 00:18:21,309 --> 00:18:23,246 Ten minutes is a long time in a sketchy neighborhood. 431 00:18:23,270 --> 00:18:26,022 Please. It was between a gymboree and a pottery barn. 432 00:18:26,106 --> 00:18:28,692 “Dance until your feet hurt. 433 00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:31,486 Sing until your lungs hurt. 434 00:18:31,569 --> 00:18:34,990 Act until you're William hurt.” 435 00:18:38,159 --> 00:18:40,078 How you doing? Are you okay? 436 00:18:40,161 --> 00:18:43,915 Yeah. No, I'm— I'm-i'm— I'm good. You? 437 00:18:43,999 --> 00:18:45,709 Fine. Yeah. 438 00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:47,294 Great. 439 00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:50,630 [ Chattering ] 440 00:18:57,262 --> 00:18:58,805 [Girl laughing ] 441 00:18:58,888 --> 00:19:01,016 [ Phil] ”take a lesson from parakeets. 442 00:19:01,099 --> 00:19:04,561 If you're e ver feeling lonely, just eat in front of a mirror. 443 00:19:06,521 --> 00:19:08,940 Ne ver be afraid to reach for the stars, 444 00:19:09,024 --> 00:19:10,775 because even if you fall, 445 00:19:10,859 --> 00:19:15,530 you'll always be wearing a parent-chute. 7'./I//. ” 446 00:19:16,740 --> 00:19:18,491 [ Cell phone rings ] [Beeps] 447 00:19:18,575 --> 00:19:20,785 Haley! Hi, honey. You okay? 448 00:19:21,703 --> 00:19:23,330 Yeah. 449 00:19:23,413 --> 00:19:25,832 - Where are you guys? - Almost home, honey. 450 00:19:25,915 --> 00:19:29,252 .Dadl/n%myhke that book. You do? 451 00:19:29,336 --> 00:19:31,588 Sweetheart, is everything okay? 452 00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:34,966 Yeah. I just wanted to say thank you for e ve/ything... 453 00:19:35,050 --> 00:19:37,635 You know, today and stuff. 454 00:19:40,430 --> 00:19:42,057 Of course. Of course. Sure. 455 00:19:42,140 --> 00:19:44,267 If-if you need anything at all, you just call us. 456 00:19:44,392 --> 00:19:47,729 I'll probably need some more condoms soon. [ Phi/j not funny 457 00:19:47,812 --> 00:19:49,898 I'm sending you some care bear sheets. 458 00:19:49,981 --> 00:19:52,359 Anyway, I should probably get going. 459 00:19:52,442 --> 00:19:54,069 We have orientation at 7:00 am. 460 00:19:54,152 --> 00:19:57,238 G-Good luck with that, sweetie. 461 00:19:58,114 --> 00:20:00,241 I love you guys. 462 00:20:00,325 --> 00:20:02,494 We love you too, honey. 463 00:20:02,577 --> 00:20:04,329 So, so much. 464 00:20:04,412 --> 00:20:06,581 Bye, Haley. 465 00:20:07,749 --> 00:20:09,417 I'll miss you. 466 00:20:20,095 --> 00:20:24,265 “Marry someone who looks sexy while disappointed.” 467 00:20:25,809 --> 00:20:27,310 See? 468 00:20:27,394 --> 00:20:30,814 “Older black ladies make the best iced tea.” 469 00:20:32,649 --> 00:20:35,068 “Success is one percent inspiration, 470 00:20:35,151 --> 00:20:37,904 98% perspiration... 471 00:20:37,987 --> 00:20:40,657 And two percent attention to detail.” 472 00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:42,909 “You can tell a lot about a person... 473 00:20:42,992 --> 00:20:44,994 From his biography.” 474 00:20:46,538 --> 00:20:49,040 “Watch a sunrise at least once a day.” 475 00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:52,794 “If you love something, set it free... 476 00:20:52,877 --> 00:20:55,505 Unless it's a tiger.” 477 00:20:55,588 --> 00:20:57,215 “If you're ever in a jam, 478 00:20:57,298 --> 00:21:01,553 a crayon scrunched up under your nose makes a good pretend mustache.” 479 00:21:01,636 --> 00:21:04,931 “When life gives you lemonade, make lemons. 480 00:21:05,014 --> 00:21:07,976 Life will be all, like, 'what?'”