1 00:00:03,421 --> 00:00:04,922 Jay, should I get rid of this? 2 00:00:05,006 --> 00:00:06,549 The hat, the jacket or the cane? 3 00:00:06,632 --> 00:00:08,217 Actually, yes. Just yes. 4 00:00:08,301 --> 00:00:10,362 We're having a yard sale for our social studies class... 5 00:00:10,386 --> 00:00:11,846 To raise money for unicef. 6 00:00:11,929 --> 00:00:14,223 The point is for us to learn about global altruism. 7 00:00:14,307 --> 00:00:15,850 No, the point is for us... 8 00:00:15,933 --> 00:00:17,619 To raise more money than miss Cooper's class, 9 00:00:17,643 --> 00:00:20,146 so we get a pizza and a pool party. 10 00:00:20,229 --> 00:00:22,481 Your cynicism makes me sad for our world. 11 00:00:22,565 --> 00:00:26,194 Ease up, delgado. I've seen you with a pizza. 12 00:00:26,277 --> 00:00:29,405 Ah, I hate garage sales. Bunch of shady characters going through my stuff. 13 00:00:29,488 --> 00:00:30,990 Why can't I just write a check? 14 00:00:31,073 --> 00:00:33,826 Ay, relax, Jay. It's just a couple of people in the driveway. 15 00:00:33,910 --> 00:00:35,429 Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where it starts. 16 00:00:35,453 --> 00:00:37,288 Then it's, “it's just a local call.” 17 00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:39,832 “Can I use your bathroom?” “my mother needs to lie down.” 18 00:00:39,916 --> 00:00:41,417 No, it just stinks. 19 00:00:42,877 --> 00:00:44,503 He did write a check. Shh! 20 00:00:44,587 --> 00:00:46,797 The less he knows, the better. 21 00:00:46,923 --> 00:00:49,342 - You're not even here anymore. - Bu! It"s my stuff 22 00:00:49,425 --> 00:00:51,510 where is mom? Luke, take me to mom. 23 00:00:51,594 --> 00:00:53,679 Ana' mo ve slow. I'm 317” drunk... 24 00:00:53,763 --> 00:00:55,890 /'ng my coffee. Mom? 25 00:00:55,973 --> 00:00:57,892 What's the problem? 26 00:00:57,975 --> 00:00:59,769 Uh, fe/I Luke not to sell my stuff 27 00:00:59,852 --> 00:01:01,520 honey, come on. Give it up. 28 00:01:01,604 --> 00:01:04,148 Even John Mayer doesn't have a John Mayer poster anymore. 29 00:01:04,232 --> 00:01:05,775 /f's signed by him. 30 00:01:05,858 --> 00:01:07,336 It's time you knew. They come that way. 31 00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:09,654 Bu! It"s ”to Haley. ” 32 00:01:09,737 --> 00:01:11,781 In a different color. Your dad wrote that. 33 00:01:11,864 --> 00:01:14,617 E w/ he wrote my body is a wonder/and. 34 00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:16,452 I didn't catch that till after. 35 00:01:16,535 --> 00:01:18,829 Mom, is it okay if Michael comes to the yard sale? 36 00:01:18,913 --> 00:01:21,249 Well, honey, didn't you see him last night? 37 00:01:21,332 --> 00:01:23,459 So? Why don't you like my boyfriend? 38 00:01:23,542 --> 00:01:25,419 I do like him. 39 00:01:25,503 --> 00:01:28,756 I'm just 90% sure he's 100% gay. 40 00:01:28,839 --> 00:01:30,341 Yes. When Michael took me to prom, 41 00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:32,260 I questioned his sexuality. 42 00:01:32,343 --> 00:01:34,804 But then... we made out. 43 00:01:34,887 --> 00:01:36,764 A couple times. 44 00:01:36,847 --> 00:01:39,976 There was even a little under-the-shirt action. 45 00:01:41,811 --> 00:01:44,480 His chest is very smooth. 46 00:01:44,563 --> 00:01:46,857 Heads up! Coming through! 47 00:01:46,941 --> 00:01:49,568 Wow! I am glad you're finally getting rid of that thing. 48 00:01:49,652 --> 00:01:51,779 What? I'm not selling this bad boy. 49 00:01:51,862 --> 00:01:54,782 I was gonna meet you at your dad's and get a little exercise on the way. 50 00:01:54,865 --> 00:01:56,865 What's, uh— what's your beef with my streetstrider? 51 00:01:56,909 --> 00:01:58,995 Even I think it's nerdy, and I'm fluent in elvish. 52 00:01:59,078 --> 00:02:00,955 It's not nerdy. Luke, back me up. 53 00:02:01,038 --> 00:02:04,792 I hope you mean into the garage, because I have friends on this street. 54 00:02:04,875 --> 00:02:07,461 Honey, you finally found something less cool... 55 00:02:07,545 --> 00:02:09,505 Than those pants that zip off into shorts. 56 00:02:09,588 --> 00:02:12,383 My shants, which you have been gunning for since day one. 57 00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:14,528 Does it matter to any of you that this is actually... 58 00:02:14,552 --> 00:02:17,763 An extremely efficient cardiovascular workout that could prolong my life? 59 00:02:17,847 --> 00:02:22,268 Mmm, yeah. But what kind of life? And... with whom? 60 00:02:26,188 --> 00:02:28,107 Y hey, hey, I 61 00:02:28,190 --> 00:02:29,984 y hey, hey, I 62 00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:32,153 y hey, hey, I 63 00:02:32,236 --> 00:02:33,946 y hey, hey, I 64 00:02:34,030 --> 00:02:35,406 j hey jv 65 00:02:37,908 --> 00:02:40,119 remember, everyone, this is for charity. 66 00:02:40,202 --> 00:02:42,872 Every dollar we earn helps a diseased child, 67 00:02:42,955 --> 00:02:44,457 a starving child, an abused child. 68 00:02:44,540 --> 00:02:46,000 Now have fun! 69 00:02:46,083 --> 00:02:48,627 Speaking of starving children, here's my contribution. 70 00:02:48,711 --> 00:02:52,131 Six pair of jeans that don't fit me anymore because I've lost 25 pounds. 71 00:02:52,214 --> 00:02:54,633 That's like one, two, three children's bowling balls. 72 00:02:54,717 --> 00:02:56,260 Oh, bravo! [ Phil 1 hey! 73 00:02:56,344 --> 00:02:57,845 Very nice. 74 00:02:57,928 --> 00:02:59,972 Hey, cam, are you really getting rid of all these? 75 00:03:00,056 --> 00:03:02,475 I mean, they're almost new. It's— well, what if you, um... 76 00:03:02,558 --> 00:03:04,078 What if I what? Put the weight back on? 77 00:03:04,143 --> 00:03:05,644 No! No. 78 00:03:05,728 --> 00:03:07,396 No, what if you... 79 00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:10,191 You think of some creative art project that requires denim? 80 00:03:10,274 --> 00:03:13,194 You know, something farm- or Kelly clarkson-themed? 81 00:03:13,277 --> 00:03:14,917 I've already done so much with that motif. 82 00:03:14,945 --> 00:03:17,990 Yeah. Yeah. You know what? No, sell 'em! I wanna purge. 83 00:03:18,074 --> 00:03:21,327 Which, for the record, is not how I lost this weight. 84 00:03:21,410 --> 00:03:24,497 Oh. Every time. Every time he loses weight, he gets rid of his big pants. 85 00:03:24,580 --> 00:03:27,267 And when he puts the weight back on, he has to buy them all new again. 86 00:03:27,291 --> 00:03:30,187 - It— it's a nightmare. - Just put the jeans in the car while he's in the house. 87 00:03:30,211 --> 00:03:31,712 No, dadl that's incredibly dis... 88 00:03:31,796 --> 00:03:34,215 I'm gonna do that. Yeah. 89 00:03:34,340 --> 00:03:37,319 Whoa! Where do you think you're goin' with those? Oh, these aren't for sale. 90 00:03:37,343 --> 00:03:39,053 Hey, this is for charity. 91 00:03:39,136 --> 00:03:42,515 You know you're taking those jeans out of the hands of some needy giant children. 92 00:03:42,598 --> 00:03:44,701 You know they're not getting the actual jeans, right, Luke? 93 00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:47,353 Oh, right. Well, then how about a donation? 94 00:03:47,478 --> 00:03:49,980 Twenty bucks? A hundred. 95 00:03:50,064 --> 00:03:52,191 - Twenty? - Sure. What's it to you... 96 00:03:52,274 --> 00:03:54,568 If some kid gets sick bathing in poo river, Africa? 97 00:03:54,652 --> 00:03:57,113 - Ew. - How much for the ashtray? 98 00:03:57,196 --> 00:03:59,198 I don't know. What's the tag say? 99 00:03:59,281 --> 00:04:01,033 Fifty cents. But there's a chip in it. 100 00:04:01,117 --> 00:04:03,178 Well, that's why it's lying on a blanket on my lawn... 101 00:04:03,202 --> 00:04:05,329 Next to some old corn on the cob handles. 102 00:04:05,454 --> 00:04:09,458 - I'll give you 35. - You're wearing a $10,000 watch. You're haggling over 15 cents? 103 00:04:09,542 --> 00:04:12,002 You live in this place, and you can't let that 15 cents go? 104 00:04:12,086 --> 00:04:13,295 Fine, 35. 105 00:04:13,379 --> 00:04:15,131 - Can you break a 50? - Get out. 106 00:04:22,555 --> 00:04:23,889 Manny. 107 00:04:23,973 --> 00:04:25,516 What is this case doing here? 108 00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:28,727 I found it in the attic. Why? What is it? 109 00:04:28,811 --> 00:04:31,272 Nothing that concerns you. It's from Colombia. 110 00:04:31,397 --> 00:04:34,066 But I thought you said— You thought nothing. 111 00:04:37,153 --> 00:04:40,030 It's going back in the attic, and I want no more questions. 112 00:04:40,114 --> 00:04:41,782 - Why? - That's a question. 113 00:04:44,285 --> 00:04:47,163 Wow. That was weird. Too weird. 114 00:04:47,246 --> 00:04:48,747 I wonder what's in there. 115 00:04:48,831 --> 00:04:50,875 Wake up, delgado! 116 00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:54,837 Locked box. From Colombia. “No more questions”? 117 00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:56,714 It's obviously a human head. 118 00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:58,340 Why is that always your first guess? 119 00:04:58,424 --> 00:05:01,427 One of these days, I'm gonna be right. 120 00:05:03,262 --> 00:05:05,473 No way! You're selling the Harley? 121 00:05:05,556 --> 00:05:07,475 No, I'm just trying to move it out of the way. 122 00:05:07,558 --> 00:05:10,269 Some asshat offered me 100 bucks for it. 123 00:05:10,394 --> 00:05:13,481 But with the baby coming, I guess I am gonna sell it. Oh, she's a beaut. 124 00:05:13,564 --> 00:05:15,691 What? You wouldn't be interested in it, would you? 125 00:05:15,774 --> 00:05:17,193 Why wouldn't I be? 126 00:05:17,276 --> 00:05:20,070 Well, I just never thought of you as a motorcycle kinda guy. 127 00:05:20,154 --> 00:05:22,615 I would be if Claire would ever let me have one. 128 00:05:22,698 --> 00:05:25,743 - You can have a motorcycle if you want. - Ha, ha, ha! 129 00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:28,245 Can I also have an affair with my super hot receptionist? 130 00:05:28,329 --> 00:05:30,748 - What super hot receptionist? - Don't change the subject. 131 00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:32,791 Now what would everybody like for lunch? 132 00:05:32,875 --> 00:05:35,377 You don't have to buy a motorcycle if you don't want one. 133 00:05:35,461 --> 00:05:37,713 But don't blame it on me. I'm fine with it. 134 00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:39,381 Sefioufly? Yeah! 135 00:05:39,465 --> 00:05:41,651 Yeah, look, I know it's not the safest thing in the world, 136 00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:44,053 but it is sexy. 137 00:05:44,178 --> 00:05:48,349 Yes. A lot more sexy than that crazy machine you rode up on. Mmm. 138 00:05:48,432 --> 00:05:50,351 Is that something that your doctor make you use? 139 00:05:50,434 --> 00:05:52,770 All right, I'm gonna take this around back, 140 00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:54,688 unless you'd like to go for a test-drive. 141 00:05:54,772 --> 00:05:56,899 Sure. Let's go. Not too fast. 142 00:05:56,982 --> 00:05:57,983 Precious cargo. 143 00:05:58,067 --> 00:05:59,294 I'm not taking you, sweetheart. 144 00:05:59,318 --> 00:06:00,986 I'm driving? 145 00:06:01,070 --> 00:06:05,074 Awesome! 146 00:06:05,157 --> 00:06:07,868 I'm terrified of motorcycles, but sometimes you have to do things... 147 00:06:07,952 --> 00:06:10,871 To show the world you're still a man. 148 00:06:10,955 --> 00:06:13,832 Same reason I got that henna tattoo. 149 00:06:13,916 --> 00:06:16,835 Japanese symbol for “courage.” 150 00:06:16,961 --> 00:06:18,629 Yeah. Oh, Michael's here! 151 00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:21,173 Hi, Michael! Hi! 152 00:06:21,257 --> 00:06:22,883 Well, well, well. What is this all about? 153 00:06:22,967 --> 00:06:25,594 Is there a— a new man in Alex's life? 154 00:06:25,678 --> 00:06:27,179 Well, she certainly thinks so. 155 00:06:27,263 --> 00:06:29,223 Is there any way that boy is straight? 156 00:06:29,306 --> 00:06:31,026 Ooh, what's going on? Who are we looking at? 157 00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:33,894 Uh, it's Alex's new “boyfriend,” Michael. 158 00:06:34,019 --> 00:06:36,164 What's up with the air quotes? She thinks he's gay. 159 00:06:36,188 --> 00:06:39,275 I “think” he's gay the same way I “think” that lamp is hideous. 160 00:06:39,358 --> 00:06:41,318 Okay, brought it. Made it in art class. 161 00:06:41,402 --> 00:06:43,571 Look, I like Michael. I really do. 162 00:06:43,654 --> 00:06:45,739 I just— I don't want her to get her heart broken. 163 00:06:45,823 --> 00:06:48,218 When it comes to boys, her self-esteem is low enough as it is. 164 00:06:48,242 --> 00:06:49,922 I don't know. Alex seems pretty darn tough. 165 00:06:49,952 --> 00:06:52,580 Oh, she's just sarcastic on the outside. 166 00:06:52,663 --> 00:06:55,165 Inside, she's just a fragile little girl. 167 00:06:55,249 --> 00:06:57,369 Yes, by all means, look right at me when you say that. 168 00:06:57,418 --> 00:06:59,420 If she wants to get her heart broken by a gay guy, 169 00:06:59,503 --> 00:07:02,923 she can do so when she's 18 or 19 and can drink her way through it. 170 00:07:03,048 --> 00:07:05,092 Aw. You're a “good mother.” mm-hmm. 171 00:07:05,175 --> 00:07:07,112 I don't know. You could be wrong. Boys aren't as concerned... 172 00:07:07,136 --> 00:07:08,929 About traditional masculinity anymore. 173 00:07:09,013 --> 00:07:11,950 You know, they're not butching it up. They're not pushing down their feelings. 174 00:07:11,974 --> 00:07:13,660 Yeah, they care about their clothes. Mm-hmm. 175 00:07:13,684 --> 00:07:15,019 They— they-they groom. Mm-hmm. 176 00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:16,812 Everybody's hairless. Yeah. 177 00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:18,497 You can't tell anything anymore. Mm-mmm. 178 00:07:18,522 --> 00:07:19,940 Really? 179 00:07:20,024 --> 00:07:22,276 Hey. Hey. Uncle Mitch, uncle cam, this is Michael. 180 00:07:22,359 --> 00:07:23,736 Hi! Hello. 181 00:07:23,819 --> 00:07:26,238 Hi! Okay, come on. 182 00:07:27,698 --> 00:07:29,199 Yep, he's gay. We stand corrected. 183 00:07:29,283 --> 00:07:30,784 Yeah. 184 00:07:35,539 --> 00:07:38,292 Okay. 185 00:07:38,417 --> 00:07:41,045 Now be careful. I don't want you to crash. Aw! 186 00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:43,714 - I don't want the bike all scratched up. - Oh. 187 00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:46,234 And don't be nervous. People make mistakes when they're nervous. 188 00:07:46,258 --> 00:07:47,760 I'm not nervous. 189 00:07:47,843 --> 00:07:50,596 I've had bigger hogs than this between my legs. 190 00:07:54,933 --> 00:07:57,645 He really oughta run things through his head first. 191 00:07:57,728 --> 00:07:59,813 Yeah. 192 00:07:59,897 --> 00:08:02,733 /know. //ooked super cool on the outside, 193 00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:05,527 but on the inside, I was terrified. 194 00:08:05,611 --> 00:08:09,740 And then I remembered that fonzie once put together a whole motorcycle while blind. 195 00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:12,493 And I thought, “that was a great show,” 196 00:08:12,576 --> 00:08:15,537 and / got really distracted and-and / forgot / was scared. 197 00:08:15,621 --> 00:08:18,582 So /headed up the canyon, and / let? The city behind 198 00:08:18,666 --> 00:08:20,668 I've ne ver felt so exhilarated. 199 00:08:20,751 --> 00:08:22,336 I don't know exactly when it happened, 200 00:08:22,461 --> 00:08:25,089 but some where on that lonely road... 201 00:08:25,172 --> 00:08:26,507 The bike and / became one. 202 00:08:26,590 --> 00:08:29,593 Oh. Oh. Oh, no. 203 00:08:29,677 --> 00:08:30,969 No. Oh, you're heavy! 204 00:08:31,053 --> 00:08:32,554 No! Oh! 205 00:08:38,185 --> 00:08:40,145 Uh-oh. 206 00:08:40,229 --> 00:08:42,523 Lock the door. 207 00:08:44,358 --> 00:08:46,110 Okay. Let's do this. 208 00:08:46,193 --> 00:08:48,987 No matter what we find in here, I will always love my mother. 209 00:08:49,071 --> 00:08:50,447 Even if it's a head? 210 00:08:50,572 --> 00:08:52,074 It's not a head. 211 00:08:53,951 --> 00:08:56,745 Oh, my god! It's a head! Ah! Finally! 212 00:08:58,330 --> 00:09:00,999 Mitchell! Lwasjust in the car, and I found my fat pants in there. 213 00:09:01,125 --> 00:09:03,836 Do you know anything about that? What? No! No. 214 00:09:03,919 --> 00:09:05,379 Did you forget to put 'em out? 215 00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:07,840 No. Remember? I posed. People clapped. I had my moment. 216 00:09:07,923 --> 00:09:10,342 I do remember that. That— Oh, that was a great moment. 217 00:09:10,426 --> 00:09:13,178 I am so proud of you. 218 00:09:13,262 --> 00:09:14,805 What's going on? You're being weird. 219 00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,598 What? First I'm a pants thief, 220 00:09:16,682 --> 00:09:18,559 and-and now I can't pay you a compliment? 221 00:09:18,642 --> 00:09:20,269 You know who's being weird? You. 222 00:09:20,352 --> 00:09:22,229 Here comes Claire. Hey, girl! 223 00:09:22,312 --> 00:09:23,564 I don't know what that was. 224 00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:27,526 Okay, I just saw Alex and Michael sittin' in a tree. 225 00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:29,611 Don't make me spell this out for you. 226 00:09:29,695 --> 00:09:31,238 Well, what can you do? 227 00:09:31,321 --> 00:09:33,365 I can't do anything, but you two could talk to her. 228 00:09:33,490 --> 00:09:35,510 And tell her what? Michael's playing for the pink team. 229 00:09:35,534 --> 00:09:37,254 Okay. We get to say that. You don't, really. 230 00:09:37,286 --> 00:09:38,746 I know, because you have credibility, 231 00:09:38,829 --> 00:09:41,665 and I have the opposite of credibility. I have... 232 00:09:41,749 --> 00:09:43,500 I am her mother. 233 00:09:43,625 --> 00:09:46,253 Okay, we're not doing this. Well, now hold on just a minute. 234 00:09:46,336 --> 00:09:48,839 You know, when I was... Young and straight, 235 00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:50,924 I left a trail of broken hearts like a rock star. 236 00:09:51,049 --> 00:09:52,849 I'm not proud of it. You're kinda proud of it. 237 00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:55,488 You work it into a lot of conversations. He brought it up yesterday. 238 00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:57,592 Okay, how am I supposed to walk into a dry cleaner... 239 00:09:57,639 --> 00:09:59,892 And not mention my girlfriend Wendy Jo martinizer? 240 00:09:59,975 --> 00:10:01,477 Can we get back to my problem? 241 00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:03,604 You don't have a problem, okay? They're kids. 242 00:10:03,687 --> 00:10:05,272 They're gonna work it out. 243 00:10:05,355 --> 00:10:06,982 Can you talk to her? 244 00:10:07,065 --> 00:10:09,359 Not when she's like this. 245 00:10:09,485 --> 00:10:10,944 Oh, you mean Alex. Mmm. 246 00:10:11,028 --> 00:10:12,404 Yeah. I'll do it. 247 00:10:12,488 --> 00:10:14,198 Thank you. 248 00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:16,617 Claire, kids, 249 00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:19,161 if you're seeing this, then they found my body. 250 00:10:19,244 --> 00:10:21,955 Or I finally got a signal and I sent it to you in an e-mail. 251 00:10:22,039 --> 00:10:23,707 Although in that case, I'd just call. 252 00:10:23,791 --> 00:10:26,960 But sometimes you can actually get a pretty decent data signal and no voice. 253 00:10:27,044 --> 00:10:29,171 I know, I'm not making any sense. 254 00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:32,049 I've been trapped out here now for... 255 00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:33,842 27 minutes. 256 00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:36,136 I'm such an idiot. 257 00:10:36,220 --> 00:10:38,514 Why did I bring this stupid motorcycle out here? 258 00:10:38,597 --> 00:10:40,057 To prove I'm a man? 259 00:10:40,182 --> 00:10:41,302 I am a man. 260 00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:45,354 Mom. 261 00:10:45,437 --> 00:10:47,439 Manny, what is this doing here? 262 00:10:47,523 --> 00:10:50,025 If you don't mind, we'll be asking the questions now. 263 00:10:50,108 --> 00:10:51,318 I do mind. 264 00:10:51,401 --> 00:10:53,070 I apologize. 265 00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:54,822 We couldn't help ourselves. 266 00:10:54,905 --> 00:10:58,158 But I've gotta know. Why were you hiding this? 267 00:11:00,953 --> 00:11:03,455 Love this! Sold! 268 00:11:03,539 --> 00:11:04,998 What's the story here? 269 00:11:05,082 --> 00:11:06,792 I don't want to talk about it! 270 00:11:06,917 --> 00:11:09,628 Aw! Cute! Oh, where'd that come from? 271 00:11:09,711 --> 00:11:11,839 It's my mom's. She's being very cagey. 272 00:11:11,922 --> 00:11:13,757 We think something's stashed in the head. 273 00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:16,301 It's from Colombia. 274 00:11:16,385 --> 00:11:18,136 Mom, what's the big deal? 275 00:11:19,429 --> 00:11:21,473 Okay, fine. 276 00:11:21,557 --> 00:11:24,560 When I was young, I was in a beauty pageant. 277 00:11:24,643 --> 00:11:26,603 All the other girls, for the talent, 278 00:11:26,687 --> 00:11:29,940 were juggling knives, as they always do. 279 00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:33,235 But / wanted to stand out, so lcame up with... 280 00:11:33,318 --> 00:11:35,779 Uncle grumpy. 281 00:11:35,863 --> 00:11:38,907 Okay. Never been so happy. Not leaving till I see it. Hit it, Gloria. 282 00:11:38,991 --> 00:11:40,927 - Excuse me. How much is this vase? - It's yours. Take it. 283 00:11:40,951 --> 00:11:43,888 So what do you need here? A stool? Glass of water? How do we make this happen? 284 00:11:43,912 --> 00:11:46,498 - Let's go. I need to see this. - You see nothing. 285 00:11:46,582 --> 00:11:50,252 That pageant was one of the worst nights of my life. 286 00:11:50,335 --> 00:11:53,380 After weeks of rehearsing, 287 00:11:53,463 --> 00:11:56,091 I froze, and we were speechless. 288 00:11:56,174 --> 00:11:57,634 Aw, and you lost. 289 00:11:58,468 --> 00:12:00,012 No. I won. 290 00:12:00,095 --> 00:12:03,515 Imagine this when I was 18. 291 00:12:03,599 --> 00:12:06,476 But it was very humiliating. 292 00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:08,937 I don't want to do it ever again. 293 00:12:09,021 --> 00:12:11,231 And yet you kept him all these years. 294 00:12:11,315 --> 00:12:15,068 Maybe there's a part of you that wants to work through this, get some closure. 295 00:12:15,152 --> 00:12:17,988 You're wrong, whoever you are. 296 00:12:21,450 --> 00:12:23,869 It's going on 31 minutes. 297 00:12:23,952 --> 00:12:26,038 I feel so alone. 298 00:12:26,121 --> 00:12:28,832 I gotta get my leg free. 299 00:12:36,340 --> 00:12:41,178 Why didn't I wear my shants? 300 00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:43,472 [ Sighs 1 301 00:12:43,597 --> 00:12:46,975 hey, guys. Check it out. You like my new bracelet? Oh, cute. 302 00:12:47,059 --> 00:12:48,703 It's an old curtain ring Michael saw over there. 303 00:12:48,727 --> 00:12:51,605 He braided three leather shoelaces around it and voila. 304 00:12:54,816 --> 00:12:57,861 You know, Alex, you and Michael remind me so much... 305 00:12:57,945 --> 00:13:00,447 Of me and my first girlfriend, Annabelle pickett. 306 00:13:00,572 --> 00:13:02,366 Huh? You had a girlfriend? Oh. 307 00:13:02,449 --> 00:13:04,117 Yeah. Cutest girl in Sunday school too. 308 00:13:04,201 --> 00:13:07,704 So one year, I asked her to go to the church bazaar lip sync contest with me, 309 00:13:07,788 --> 00:13:10,123 and we did our version of “endless love.” 310 00:13:10,207 --> 00:13:12,292 Which was ironic, because two weeks later, 311 00:13:12,376 --> 00:13:13,961 I fell head over heels... 312 00:13:14,044 --> 00:13:16,964 For a young, square-jawed rodeo ticket taker named Woody ray. 313 00:13:17,089 --> 00:13:20,092 Oh, no. Of course, she was devastated. Just destroyed her. 314 00:13:20,175 --> 00:13:22,028 And then she spray-painted something unrepeatable... 315 00:13:22,052 --> 00:13:24,054 On my daddy's barn and never spoke to me again. 316 00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:26,824 Wow, and all because she wanted you to be something you just weren't. 317 00:13:26,848 --> 00:13:28,141 Yeah. Ugh. Mm-hmm. 318 00:13:28,225 --> 00:13:30,769 Stop. I get it. I know what you think about Michael, mom. 319 00:13:30,852 --> 00:13:33,252 You didn't have to bring in your big gay guns to back you up. 320 00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:34,439 No offense. 321 00:13:34,523 --> 00:13:36,650 None taken. I kinda like it. 322 00:13:36,733 --> 00:13:39,361 Okay. Honey, I am worried about you. I don't want you to get hurt. 323 00:13:39,444 --> 00:13:41,697 I told them that this was a bad idea, all right? 324 00:13:41,780 --> 00:13:44,241 You know, maybe Michael's gay. Maybe he's not. 325 00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:47,494 He is. Your mother just wants you to have all the information... 326 00:13:47,577 --> 00:13:49,037 So that you can go slow. 327 00:13:49,121 --> 00:13:51,790 Uncle Mitchell, he's straight. 328 00:13:51,873 --> 00:13:52,874 We kissed. 329 00:13:52,958 --> 00:13:54,793 Oh, honey, I... 330 00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:57,713 I kissed a lot of girls when I wanted to be straight. 331 00:13:57,796 --> 00:13:59,881 And your uncle cam kissed some too, he says. 332 00:13:59,965 --> 00:14:01,633 But that's neither here nor there. 333 00:14:01,717 --> 00:14:04,529 What's important is that you make your own— where— wait, where are you going? 334 00:14:04,553 --> 00:14:07,305 It's not the olden days anymore, you guys. I can just ask him. 335 00:14:07,431 --> 00:14:08,807 Hope you're happy. 336 00:14:08,890 --> 00:14:11,476 I'm not. That “olden days” comment was like a punch to the gut. 337 00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:13,621 She may as well have spray-painted it on my daddy's barn. 338 00:14:13,645 --> 00:14:15,689 I'm done with this. Where's he going? 339 00:14:15,772 --> 00:14:18,400 Hey, you got any bread? I wanna make sure this thing still works. 340 00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:20,920 Yeah, that's not gonna happen. Oh, it doesn't have to be bread. 341 00:14:20,944 --> 00:14:24,823 I mean, I can get the information I need from, like, a bagel or a frozen waffle. 342 00:14:24,906 --> 00:14:27,409 Look, kid, you're just gonna have to roll the dice on this one. 343 00:14:27,492 --> 00:14:29,745 I don't know. 344 00:14:29,828 --> 00:14:31,329 What's your return policy? 345 00:14:31,413 --> 00:14:33,623 You return, I call the police. 346 00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:35,333 Wh-where'd you get that? 347 00:14:35,459 --> 00:14:37,210 From the kitchen. Give me that! 348 00:14:39,254 --> 00:14:41,923 You selling the pot-bellied pig? Get out of my driveway. 349 00:14:44,342 --> 00:14:46,053 You're not a pig. 350 00:14:46,136 --> 00:14:48,096 You're daddy's little girl. 351 00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:53,393 There you are. 352 00:14:53,477 --> 00:14:54,853 Hey. Sorry. 353 00:14:54,936 --> 00:14:57,230 I got lost in this Elle decor. 354 00:14:57,314 --> 00:15:00,067 Justin Timberlake is designing his own home line, 355 00:15:00,150 --> 00:15:01,985 and I'm trying to reserve judgment. 356 00:15:03,153 --> 00:15:06,698 Michael, I have to ask you something. 357 00:15:06,782 --> 00:15:09,493 I want you to know it's okay either way, but... 358 00:15:11,036 --> 00:15:12,329 Are you gay? 359 00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:14,247 What? 360 00:15:14,331 --> 00:15:16,958 No! I'm not! H took you to prom. 361 00:15:17,042 --> 00:15:18,543 I kissed you. 362 00:15:18,627 --> 00:15:20,754 Unless you're a boy, I'm pretty sure I'm straight. 363 00:15:20,837 --> 00:15:22,172 Are— are you a boy? 364 00:15:22,297 --> 00:15:23,757 Right. 365 00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:26,051 So then I'm straight. 366 00:15:26,176 --> 00:15:28,261 I didn't mean to make you mad. I'm not mad. 367 00:15:28,345 --> 00:15:31,306 I'm just... angry. 368 00:15:31,389 --> 00:15:32,891 I'm sorry. 369 00:15:32,974 --> 00:15:34,810 And those are synonyms. 370 00:15:34,893 --> 00:15:37,062 You just know everything today. 371 00:15:37,145 --> 00:15:39,314 Can you just give me a minute? 372 00:15:43,026 --> 00:15:45,362 1 sighs 1 373 00:15:50,242 --> 00:15:54,538 - hey. Can I help you? - Yeah. Why does everybody think I'm gay? 374 00:15:55,539 --> 00:15:57,666 God, I hate yard sales. 375 00:16:01,545 --> 00:16:03,547 Anmnm. Thank you. 376 00:16:04,881 --> 00:16:07,092 Sorry for snooping around and finding your old-man doll. 377 00:16:07,175 --> 00:16:09,970 In Colombia, if you snoop around the wrong box, 378 00:16:10,053 --> 00:16:12,472 you might end up inside that box. 379 00:16:12,556 --> 00:16:15,183 I shouldn't have done it. Now I feel bad for Manny. 380 00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:19,020 - What do you mean? - Well, I don't know. 381 00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:20,856 He's always talking about how brave you are, 382 00:16:20,939 --> 00:16:22,566 how you're not afraid of anything. 383 00:16:22,691 --> 00:16:25,819 Now he just seems a little sad. How sad? 384 00:16:25,902 --> 00:16:27,821 Don't worry. It's a good thing. 385 00:16:27,904 --> 00:16:29,739 He needs a little dose of reality. 386 00:16:29,823 --> 00:16:33,118 You walk around school telling everyone how great your mommy is all the time, 387 00:16:33,201 --> 00:16:35,579 you find yourself on the business end of a wedgie. 388 00:16:38,039 --> 00:16:40,500 I know how to push buttons to get what I want, 389 00:16:40,584 --> 00:16:43,420 and what I want is to see a puppet show. 390 00:16:45,213 --> 00:16:46,131 J 'accusel 391 00:16:46,214 --> 00:16:48,216 I'm sorry. One more time? 392 00:16:48,300 --> 00:16:52,179 It's just a dramatic way of accusing you of stashing my fat pants in a bush! 393 00:16:52,304 --> 00:16:54,139 Saboteur! That's a second way. 394 00:16:54,222 --> 00:16:55,891 How... could... you? 395 00:16:55,974 --> 00:16:57,100 And a third. 396 00:16:57,225 --> 00:17:00,187 Why, Mitchell? Why? Cam— oh, come on. 397 00:17:00,270 --> 00:17:01,521 All right, the— 1 sighs 1 398 00:17:01,605 --> 00:17:03,648 this is a little hard to say, but... 399 00:17:03,732 --> 00:17:06,985 Every time you get rid of these pants, you have to buy them all over again, 400 00:17:07,068 --> 00:17:09,571 and you get depressed, all right? 401 00:17:09,654 --> 00:17:12,324 This is just a way to have a safety net. 402 00:17:12,407 --> 00:17:13,867 I can't have a safety net, Mitchell. 403 00:17:13,950 --> 00:17:16,203 Othennise, I won't be successful and keep the weight off. 404 00:17:16,286 --> 00:17:17,787 Have you ever thought of that? 405 00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:20,957 No. No, I didn't. 1 sighs 1 406 00:17:21,041 --> 00:17:24,502 you know, you're not the only one who remembers all the times I failed. 407 00:17:26,087 --> 00:17:27,547 You're right. 408 00:17:27,631 --> 00:17:29,966 I-I should support you more. I'm-I'm sorry. 409 00:17:30,091 --> 00:17:32,695 Well, I'm happy to hear you say that. Well, I'm happy you're happy. 410 00:17:32,719 --> 00:17:33,999 Vveh, I hope you both are happy. 411 00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:35,931 Michael's not gay. Now he hates me. 412 00:17:36,014 --> 00:17:37,515 Thanks a lot. 413 00:17:37,599 --> 00:17:41,186 You see? This is exactly why I didn't want to get involved. 414 00:17:42,812 --> 00:17:45,065 Now I feel terrible. 415 00:17:45,148 --> 00:17:47,484 These feelings would go good with pie. 416 00:17:49,277 --> 00:17:51,780 There he is! 417 00:17:54,366 --> 00:17:56,952 Sweetheart, do you love it? 418 00:17:57,035 --> 00:17:58,453 No, Claire, I do not love it. 419 00:17:58,536 --> 00:18:01,122 Oh, that's too bad, 'cause you look so cool on that. 420 00:18:01,206 --> 00:18:03,750 Do I, Claire? Do I really? 421 00:18:03,875 --> 00:18:06,503 What happened? It's a long story. Check your in-box. 422 00:18:06,628 --> 00:18:09,256 But suffice it to say, I'm not buying that motorcycle. Uh-huh. 423 00:18:09,339 --> 00:18:13,051 I know what I am, Claire. I'm not a rider. I'm a strider. 424 00:18:13,134 --> 00:18:15,553 I hope that's sexy enough for you. 425 00:18:15,679 --> 00:18:18,556 Well, I can see stuff. Yeah, I know. I can feel air on it. 426 00:18:18,682 --> 00:18:20,534 Mmm. It's not like I have another pair of pants. 427 00:18:20,558 --> 00:18:22,894 Well, uh, today is your lucky day. 428 00:18:22,978 --> 00:18:24,437 It's for a good cause. 429 00:18:24,521 --> 00:18:26,022 You might need a belt. 430 00:18:26,106 --> 00:18:28,149 Oh, I doubt it. I bet we wear the same size. 431 00:18:28,233 --> 00:18:30,902 - Don't do that. - Copy. 432 00:18:32,028 --> 00:18:34,656 Well, we ruined Alex's life, by the way. 433 00:18:34,739 --> 00:18:37,117 I don't know. She looks okay. 434 00:18:37,242 --> 00:18:39,786 Oh, looks like they made up. Hmm. 435 00:18:39,869 --> 00:18:42,515 Wish she would just listen to me. I could help her avoid so much pain. 436 00:18:42,539 --> 00:18:44,291 Give it a rest. She's 14, all right? 437 00:18:44,416 --> 00:18:47,419 No matter who that boy is, he's not gonna last. Mmm. You're right. 438 00:18:47,502 --> 00:18:48,962 Well, at least with a gay kid, 439 00:18:49,045 --> 00:18:50,773 you know she's gonna get a great flower arrangement. 440 00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:52,465 Should've seen the one I made Annabelle. 441 00:18:52,549 --> 00:18:54,884 Arranged it myself. It was gorgeous. 442 00:18:54,968 --> 00:18:58,596 Till she pulled it apart and spelled “homo” on my porch. 443 00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:00,557 This doesn't make me feel any better. 444 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,309 Gather around, everybody. 445 00:19:02,392 --> 00:19:04,394 I want you to meet somebody. 446 00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:07,314 Oh, but that might. Uncle grumpy! 447 00:19:08,690 --> 00:19:11,067 Luke's wise words got to me. 448 00:19:11,151 --> 00:19:14,154 I needed my son to respect me again. 449 00:19:14,237 --> 00:19:17,949 More than that, I needed to respect myself. 450 00:19:18,033 --> 00:19:19,951 Holy maracas! 451 00:19:20,035 --> 00:19:22,954 I think I sat on the right lap! 452 00:19:23,038 --> 00:19:26,499 - - - Uncle grumpy, we're in public. 453 00:19:26,583 --> 00:19:29,502 Ay, look at all those white faces! 454 00:19:29,586 --> 00:19:32,714 I see we made it over the wall! 455 00:19:32,797 --> 00:19:34,841 Uncle grumpy, are you in a bad mood? 456 00:19:34,924 --> 00:19:39,179 Damn right, I am! I just came from the movies. 457 00:19:39,262 --> 00:19:43,725 A whole day's pay to see basic lnstinct. 458 00:19:43,808 --> 00:19:46,353 Oh. And what did you think? 459 00:19:46,436 --> 00:19:48,396 Basically, it stinks. 460 00:19:49,773 --> 00:19:51,524 You're so grumpy. 461 00:19:51,608 --> 00:19:53,318 Damn right, I am! 462 00:19:53,401 --> 00:19:56,279 I just met the girl of my dreams. 463 00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:57,906 A y, that's such great news. 464 00:19:57,989 --> 00:20:01,368 No! She gave me the termites. 465 00:20:02,619 --> 00:20:03,995 Gloria, I'm just gonna... 466 00:20:04,079 --> 00:20:06,432 Oh, geez. I don't even wanna know what this is. I'm outta here. 467 00:20:06,456 --> 00:20:07,767 You're leaving? Damn right. 468 00:20:07,791 --> 00:20:09,769 The only difference between this and a home invasion... 469 00:20:09,793 --> 00:20:12,712 Is I get to shoot people at a home invasion. 470 00:20:12,796 --> 00:20:15,965 Oh, my god. She married her puppet. 471 00:20:18,468 --> 00:20:20,053 [ All I encore! Encore! 472 00:20:20,136 --> 00:20:22,013 Uncle grumpy! 473 00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:28,686 Can anyone hear me? 474 00:20:28,770 --> 00:20:30,939 Please help me! 475 00:20:31,022 --> 00:20:32,774 I don't wanna die! 476 00:20:32,857 --> 00:20:36,569 If I had to make a playlist for being trapped under a motorcycle, 477 00:20:36,653 --> 00:20:38,738 it'd be, um, 478 00:20:38,822 --> 00:20:41,574 “stuck in the middle,” “hit the road, jack”... 479 00:20:41,658 --> 00:20:44,702 Um, anything by heavy d. 480 00:20:44,786 --> 00:20:46,955 Ooh. Pointer sisters, “neutron dance.” 481 00:20:47,038 --> 00:20:52,544 Turns out today wasn't the first day of the rest of my life. 482 00:20:52,627 --> 00:20:54,504 Oh, my goodness. 483 00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:57,424 There are some DVDs in a shoe box in, uh, my closet... 484 00:20:57,507 --> 00:20:59,843 That I was holding for a buddy. 485 00:20:59,926 --> 00:21:02,512 Um, you can go ahead and just throw the whole box away. 486 00:21:02,595 --> 00:21:08,393 U 487 00:21:13,314 --> 00:21:16,067 I'm so hungry. 488 00:21:16,151 --> 00:21:19,070 I don't know how long I'm gonna be out here. 489 00:21:19,154 --> 00:21:21,448 I gotta ration my food. 490 00:21:28,872 --> 00:21:32,000 I said “no tomatoes”!