1 00:00:02,086 --> 00:00:04,839 [ Phone ringing ] 2 00:00:04,922 --> 00:00:06,090 Night! 3 00:00:06,215 --> 00:00:07,884 Middle of the phone. I got it. Get it. 4 00:00:08,009 --> 00:00:10,720 Oh! My arm's asleep! My arm's asleep! Get the phone. 5 00:00:10,845 --> 00:00:14,390 [Beeps] Thafsrne. Heho! Lfi. Yes, flflsisshe. 6 00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:16,976 Who is it? Okay. Oh, god. 7 00:00:17,059 --> 00:00:19,395 - Tell me what's happening! - Haley has been arrested. 8 00:00:19,478 --> 00:00:20,605 What? 9 00:00:20,730 --> 00:00:23,608 [Ffingmg] Phonelphone. 10 00:00:23,691 --> 00:00:26,171 I bet that's mama. I was just dreaming it was raining chickens. 11 00:00:26,277 --> 00:00:29,614 Mitchell, answer the phone! Look what I'm doing. Look what I'm doing, huh? 12 00:00:29,697 --> 00:00:31,282 - Hello? - Hey, Mitchell. 13 00:00:31,365 --> 00:00:33,743 I'm sorry to wake you up, but Haley got arrested. 14 00:00:33,826 --> 00:00:36,329 Oh, god. Haley got arrested. 15 00:00:36,454 --> 00:00:38,873 That explains the chickens. It does. It adds up. 16 00:00:38,956 --> 00:00:40,499 What did she get arrested for? 17 00:00:40,583 --> 00:00:43,211 Oh, she got caught drinking at some party. 18 00:00:43,294 --> 00:00:45,504 Look, could you drive up to the college with us? 19 00:00:45,588 --> 00:00:47,316 I think we're gonna need a lawyer. Yes, of course. 20 00:00:47,340 --> 00:00:49,759 And cam and Lily can come over and stay with Alex and Luke. 21 00:00:49,884 --> 00:00:52,553 I'll guard them with my life. Lhafe to bother him. 22 00:00:52,637 --> 00:00:54,680 No, no. Don't be silly. He's happy to do it. 23 00:00:54,764 --> 00:00:56,432 Okay, we'll be over mafimeml [beeps] 24 00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:58,059 Okay. Oh, I get it. 25 00:00:58,142 --> 00:01:00,245 When you told Claire I would come over and watch the kids, 26 00:01:00,269 --> 00:01:02,897 she was resistant because she doesn't trust my parenting skills. 27 00:01:02,980 --> 00:01:05,233 No, don't be silly. She just didn't want to put you out. 28 00:01:05,316 --> 00:01:08,778 She's got a daughter behind bars, and she's got the nerve to say I'm a bad parent? 29 00:01:08,903 --> 00:01:10,881 You didn't defend me. 'Cause she didn't say anything. 30 00:01:10,905 --> 00:01:13,991 Why are you protecting her? Why is no one protecting me? 31 00:01:17,078 --> 00:01:19,747 [ Phone ringing ] /, 4y./ answer! Answer! 32 00:01:22,541 --> 00:01:23,709 [Beeps] What is... 33 00:01:23,793 --> 00:01:25,378 - This better be good. - [ Groans ] 34 00:01:25,461 --> 00:01:28,047 Haley got arrested for drinking. We gotta go bail her out. 35 00:01:28,130 --> 00:01:30,192 Do you still have a connection to that judge upstate? 36 00:01:30,216 --> 00:01:31,842 He died., -ay./ who died? 37 00:01:31,968 --> 00:01:34,011 An old friend of mine. Ay, Jay, I'm so sorry. 38 00:01:34,095 --> 00:01:35,805 He died five years ago. 39 00:01:35,888 --> 00:01:38,808 Then why are they calling us in the middle of the night to wake us up? 40 00:01:38,891 --> 00:01:40,768 Nobody died. Haley's in jail. 41 00:01:40,893 --> 00:01:43,205 Okay. That makes more sense. Claire has to go bail her out. 42 00:01:43,229 --> 00:01:45,022 Okay. Give me that. 43 00:01:45,106 --> 00:01:48,442 Claire, listen to me. Take a lot of cash. 44 00:01:48,526 --> 00:01:52,780 And when you flash it to the police, do not speak about it. 45 00:01:52,863 --> 00:01:55,366 Let the eyes do all the talking, okay? 46 00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:57,660 I heard the phone. Who died? 47 00:01:57,743 --> 00:02:00,288 - Jay's friend. - Oh, Jay, I'm so sorry. 48 00:02:00,413 --> 00:02:02,581 Okay. Lcawtdoflflsagam. [Beeps] 49 00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:05,251 Y hey, heyy 50 00:02:05,334 --> 00:02:07,336 y hey, heyy 51 00:02:07,420 --> 00:02:09,463 y hey, heyy 52 00:02:09,547 --> 00:02:11,424 y hey, heyy 53 00:02:11,507 --> 00:02:12,675 j hey jv 54 00:02:15,052 --> 00:02:17,680 j' it's breakfast it's breakfast time j' 55 00:02:17,763 --> 00:02:19,557 j' it's brekky-brekky time 3} 56 00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,392 uncle cam, I thought I heard your voice. 57 00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:23,245 What are you doing here? Where are my parents? 58 00:02:23,269 --> 00:02:25,604 Well, the school called, and your sister won a big award. 59 00:02:25,688 --> 00:02:28,048 Nice try. The only person who'd believe that would be Haley. 60 00:02:28,691 --> 00:02:30,693 - She's in jail. - Jail? 61 00:02:30,818 --> 00:02:33,487 Lily, what did I say? That it was only a matter of time. 62 00:02:33,571 --> 00:02:35,651 Okay, no. Didn't say that. Okay, so here's the truth. 63 00:02:35,698 --> 00:02:38,534 Your sister was caught drinking, but it's no big deal. 64 00:02:38,617 --> 00:02:41,245 Your parents are there taking care of it right now. So... 65 00:02:41,329 --> 00:02:42,872 This is so awesome. 66 00:02:42,955 --> 00:02:45,684 I hope she hits the weights so she's totally ripped when she gets out. 67 00:02:45,708 --> 00:02:47,501 Okay. Let's change the subject. Have a seat. 68 00:02:47,585 --> 00:02:50,796 Have some breakfast. See if there's anything on that plate you like a lot. 69 00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:54,759 [ Chuckles ] Is this bacon? 70 00:02:54,842 --> 00:02:56,427 Course it is, silly. 71 00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:59,096 Been on a little bit of a health kick lately, 72 00:02:59,180 --> 00:03:03,809 so I took a vegan cooking class, and my new thing is facon. 73 00:03:03,893 --> 00:03:05,353 It's like real bacon. 74 00:03:05,436 --> 00:03:07,355 Except for the look, the texture and the taste. 75 00:03:07,438 --> 00:03:10,208 Maybe the store-bought kind, but I make my own, so it's not even real facon. 76 00:03:10,232 --> 00:03:13,319 It's faux facon. Fauxcon. 77 00:03:13,444 --> 00:03:15,905 It's fauxcon disgusting. You can't tell the difference. 78 00:03:16,030 --> 00:03:18,324 And guess which one's therealone? Thatone. 79 00:03:18,407 --> 00:03:19,407 Thatone. 80 00:03:21,452 --> 00:03:23,454 Still that one. 81 00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:26,457 This is the best bacon I've ever had. 82 00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:27,833 Oh, well. 83 00:03:27,917 --> 00:03:30,252 I can't wait to tell your uncle Mitchell that you love it. 84 00:03:30,336 --> 00:03:32,463 - Why would uncle Mitch care? - Because, my dear, 85 00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:34,882 that bacon you're eating isn't bacon at all. 86 00:03:34,965 --> 00:03:37,259 No, no, no. It's made entirely of soy. 87 00:03:37,343 --> 00:03:40,513 Luke's allergic to soy! His throat closes! He can't breathe! 88 00:03:40,638 --> 00:03:42,139 [ Mitchell] Hello? Never mind! 89 00:03:42,223 --> 00:03:44,850 Okay. Okay. We have to, uh, get you to the, uh, hospital. 90 00:03:44,975 --> 00:03:46,268 [ Coughing ] Come on, baby. 91 00:03:46,394 --> 00:03:49,355 Luke! Put the facon down! I'm using it to scratch my throat! 92 00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:50,981 Okay. Let's go. Come on. Go. 93 00:03:51,065 --> 00:03:53,109 Cam? C-Cam. 94 00:03:53,192 --> 00:03:54,443 That was weird. 95 00:03:54,527 --> 00:03:56,570 Hey, Claire, do you wanna pick it up a little bit? 96 00:03:56,654 --> 00:03:58,656 Since when do you drive the speed limit? 97 00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:00,658 My daughter has been arrested for drinking. 98 00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,910 I would like her to sit in jail and think about that. 99 00:04:02,993 --> 00:04:05,514 As a matter of fact, I might stop and do a little outlet shopping. 100 00:04:05,538 --> 00:04:08,666 Who wants a pair of last year's sunglasses, huh? 101 00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:10,751 Honey, try to relax. 102 00:04:10,835 --> 00:04:12,378 I don't feel like relaxing, Phil! 103 00:04:12,461 --> 00:04:14,255 She has been in college for six weeks! 104 00:04:14,338 --> 00:04:16,674 Yeah, and everyone goes a little crazy at first. 105 00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:18,426 I remember one night, freshman year, 106 00:04:18,509 --> 00:04:21,387 a bunch of us on the frisbee golf team got a case of zima. 107 00:04:21,512 --> 00:04:24,598 Enough zaid. More than enough. 108 00:04:24,682 --> 00:04:29,145 I'm not gonna lie. Sometimes it bothers me how calm Phil is under pressure. 109 00:04:29,228 --> 00:04:32,398 It's like— like I'm the one who's overreacting. 110 00:04:32,481 --> 00:04:33,899 That's good. Let it out. 111 00:04:33,983 --> 00:04:35,985 I'm going to kill you. 112 00:04:37,403 --> 00:04:39,363 Jay, do you have some time today? 113 00:04:39,488 --> 00:04:42,008 We need to go and pick out a stroller. Just get whatever you want. 114 00:04:42,032 --> 00:04:43,632 I mean, it's what you're gonna do anyway. 115 00:04:43,659 --> 00:04:46,539 What I want is a husband who likes to go shopping for a stroller with me. 116 00:04:46,579 --> 00:04:50,583 If you had a husband who liked picking out strollers, you wouldn't be having a baby. 117 00:04:50,666 --> 00:04:53,961 So, who wants to come with me to the spoken word festival this evening? 118 00:04:54,044 --> 00:04:56,464 I only have two tickets, so somebody's gonna be disappointed. 119 00:04:56,589 --> 00:04:59,526 I think it's gonna be you. Ay, Manny, I would go with you, but I'm so tired. 120 00:04:59,550 --> 00:05:01,427 You just woke up. How are you tired? 121 00:05:01,510 --> 00:05:03,762 Maybe because I'm turning food into a human! 122 00:05:03,846 --> 00:05:05,723 Jay will take you. 123 00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:08,684 Sorry. I would love to go to the spoken word festival, 124 00:05:08,767 --> 00:05:11,520 but I'm already going to the I'd-rather-blow-my-brains-out jamboree. 125 00:05:11,604 --> 00:05:14,064 I can't believe this. I'm living in a cultural wasteland. 126 00:05:14,148 --> 00:05:15,733 With a heated pool. 127 00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:18,194 Manny, vamos. You're gonna be late for school. 128 00:05:18,277 --> 00:05:22,781 J'j' [ Phone ringing: Eerie instrumental ] 129 00:05:22,907 --> 00:05:25,910 Oh, geez. J'j' [ Stops ] 130 00:05:26,035 --> 00:05:29,205 Hello, dede. Good morning, Jay namaste. 131 00:05:29,288 --> 00:05:32,166 - Let's not do this. - Oh, fine, silly. 132 00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:34,877 I'm on my way to a retreat in Ojai. 133 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:38,547 Since I'm passing through town, / thought / 'o' pick up that photo album. 134 00:05:38,631 --> 00:05:40,424 You know, it's really not a good time. 135 00:05:40,508 --> 00:05:44,261 - Oh, please! - All right. I'll meet you on the street. 136 00:05:44,345 --> 00:05:47,431 Drive by slow with the window open. 137 00:05:47,515 --> 00:05:50,142 I was dreading dede finding out that Gloria's pregnant. 138 00:05:50,226 --> 00:05:52,144 It's the one thing dede's hung on to... 139 00:05:52,228 --> 00:05:53,854 That she's the mother of my kids. 140 00:05:53,938 --> 00:05:55,397 And considering their history... 141 00:05:55,481 --> 00:05:58,359 lay, ay, ay, ay, ay/ ooh! Jay, ay, ay/ 142 00:05:58,484 --> 00:06:00,945 I— I wanna rip your head off! What? 143 00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:03,239 /una loca pel/grosa/ [ Phil] No! No! 144 00:06:03,322 --> 00:06:05,491 Huh? No, dede! 145 00:06:05,574 --> 00:06:07,993 - My! 4 que pasa? - [ Dede laughing ] 146 00:06:08,077 --> 00:06:10,955 I wasn't exactly looking fonnard to round four, 147 00:06:11,038 --> 00:06:14,792 especially now that Gloria's a bigger, slower target. 148 00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:17,211 I'd normally be having breakfast right now. 149 00:06:17,294 --> 00:06:20,256 [ Phone ringing ] 150 00:06:20,339 --> 00:06:23,008 - Hi, dad. - Hey, Claire. Any updates? 151 00:06:23,092 --> 00:06:24,718 Not yet. But we 're almost there. 152 00:06:24,802 --> 00:06:27,447 Last time you were over at the house, you were looking at that photo album. 153 00:06:27,471 --> 00:06:29,640 - What'd you do with it? - Oh, dad, that was me. 154 00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:31,725 I think I put it on the shelf behind the bar. 155 00:06:31,809 --> 00:06:35,312 - What are you doing there? - They asked me to come along in case they needed a lawyer. 156 00:06:35,396 --> 00:06:37,022 8hou/o'n't they ha ve a real lawyer? 157 00:06:37,147 --> 00:06:39,817 Oh, god. Should we? I am a real lawyer, people. 158 00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:41,527 Environmental law is a thing. 159 00:06:41,610 --> 00:06:43,070 Don't get all sensitive on me. 160 00:06:43,153 --> 00:06:44,989 I mean, someone who doesn't defend pandas. 161 00:06:45,072 --> 00:06:47,741 Yeah, dad, 'cause that's what I do. I defend pandas in court. 162 00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:49,868 That's adorable. You know what I'm talking about. 163 00:06:49,952 --> 00:06:52,746 Haley needs somebody who knows criminal law, like Perry Mason. 164 00:06:52,830 --> 00:06:55,749 Okay. So I'm not a real lawyer, but Perry Mason is? 165 00:06:55,833 --> 00:06:57,876 [Doorbell rings ] 0/7, hell. 166 00:07:00,045 --> 00:07:01,755 Hello, dede. How you doing? 167 00:07:01,839 --> 00:07:03,757 Oh, mostly fine. 168 00:07:03,841 --> 00:07:07,469 I have something called a telescoping uterus. 169 00:07:07,595 --> 00:07:10,472 Long story. Aw, geez. 170 00:07:10,556 --> 00:07:12,308 Out of my way! Out of my way! 171 00:07:12,391 --> 00:07:14,435 I can't breathe! This boy can't breathe. 172 00:07:14,518 --> 00:07:16,186 He's having a severe allergic reaction. 173 00:07:16,312 --> 00:07:19,648 No. You're squeezing me. He needs medicine. His throat is closing up. 174 00:07:19,732 --> 00:07:21,650 Okay. Hold on. 175 00:07:21,734 --> 00:07:23,902 We have an allergic reaction. A young boy. 176 00:07:23,986 --> 00:07:26,113 Obstructed breathing. What happened? 177 00:07:26,196 --> 00:07:28,174 Well, somebody gave him some soy bacon that was so good, 178 00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:29,718 he couldn't tell the difference. [ Gagging 1 179 00:07:29,742 --> 00:07:32,703 [ cell phone rings ] Mitchell, I can't talk right now. 180 00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:34,330 Cam, it's Claire. My phone o'ieo'. 181 00:07:34,455 --> 00:07:37,183 I just wanted to make sure the kids got to school okay of course they did. 182 00:07:37,207 --> 00:07:39,519 Why wouldn't they have? I hear we got a boy who can't breathe? 183 00:07:39,543 --> 00:07:41,128 Right here. What was that? 184 00:07:41,211 --> 00:07:44,024 I'm just watching an original lifetime movie called the boy who can't breathe. 185 00:07:44,048 --> 00:07:47,926 That sounded like Alex. Nope. Just Amanda bynes. Okay, gotta go. 186 00:07:48,010 --> 00:07:50,554 Cam. Cam? 187 00:07:50,638 --> 00:07:52,139 That's weird. 188 00:07:52,222 --> 00:07:54,475 Can you believe how many waffle places we passed? 189 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:57,394 I can't believe how much dad belittles me. What were there— five, six? 190 00:07:57,478 --> 00:08:00,314 I edited the law review. I passed the bar on my first try. 191 00:08:00,439 --> 00:08:02,816 I have a briefcase. I'm counting them on the way back. 192 00:08:02,900 --> 00:08:05,819 - Can we focus? - Uh, hi. We're here for Haley Dunphy. 193 00:08:05,903 --> 00:08:08,197 I'm Mitchell pritchett. I'm miss Dunphy's attorney. 194 00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:09,633 She won't be needing a lawyer today. 195 00:08:09,657 --> 00:08:11,200 I think I'll be the judge of that. 196 00:08:11,283 --> 00:08:13,285 I'd like to confer with my client now. Thank you. 197 00:08:13,369 --> 00:08:15,449 All you have to do is post bail, and she's all yours. 198 00:08:15,496 --> 00:08:17,206 Really? Oh. 199 00:08:17,289 --> 00:08:18,957 That's— that's fantastic. 200 00:08:19,041 --> 00:08:21,752 Sir, I am in no mood to defend my daughter today, believe me. 201 00:08:21,877 --> 00:08:24,672 Okay. But do you think it is the best use of resources... 202 00:08:24,755 --> 00:08:26,635 To lock up college kids who've had a few drinks? 203 00:08:26,715 --> 00:08:30,427 Ma'am, your daughter was charged with resisting arrest and assaulting a police officer. 204 00:08:30,511 --> 00:08:31,679 What? Ooh. 205 00:08:31,762 --> 00:08:33,681 Wow. 206 00:08:33,764 --> 00:08:36,016 You probably should have called a real lawyer, 207 00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:38,060 'cause I don't— I'm not— shh! 208 00:08:41,105 --> 00:08:44,000 [ Police radio, indistinct ] Look, this has gotta be some kind of mistake. 209 00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:46,360 Our daughter's tiny. There's no way she assaulted anyone. 210 00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:50,114 Insulted, maybe. Was— was the cop wearing white socks and dark shoes? 211 00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:52,533 - That really sets her off. - Maybe you should watch this. 212 00:08:52,658 --> 00:08:55,869 [ Il/lan ] Stopl put your hands where I can see 'eml [ Siren wailing] 213 00:08:55,953 --> 00:08:57,371 [ Haley screams ] 214 00:08:57,496 --> 00:09:00,082 [ Both 1 oh! Okay. No— That's very blurry footage. 215 00:09:00,165 --> 00:09:01,959 How can we be sure that that's Haley? 216 00:09:02,084 --> 00:09:04,837 Don't you move. Don't hurt me! I'm just a student! 217 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:06,422 I'm Haley dunphyl 218 00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:11,969 so hot. 219 00:09:13,137 --> 00:09:15,806 Hot in here. No. 220 00:09:16,682 --> 00:09:18,225 How long is this gonna take? 221 00:09:18,308 --> 00:09:20,686 I should be in school. I'm missing biology right now. 222 00:09:20,769 --> 00:09:22,789 You're in a hospital. Just step out into the hallway. 223 00:09:22,813 --> 00:09:24,606 Listen to the nurses and doctors talk. 224 00:09:24,690 --> 00:09:26,543 You'll learn more about science and humanity here... 225 00:09:26,567 --> 00:09:28,610 Than you would in a classroom in an entire semester. 226 00:09:29,361 --> 00:09:30,904 Attention! 227 00:09:30,988 --> 00:09:33,157 If there's a yogurt in the fridge that says “Theresa,” 228 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:35,159 then only Theresa gets to eat it! 229 00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:37,953 Drama. Soak it in. 230 00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:40,932 [Alex] Oh, good god. Okay, Luke, the opening is supposed to be in the back. 231 00:09:40,956 --> 00:09:44,334 No way. I don't want people to see my butt. Do I have to get another shot? 232 00:09:44,460 --> 00:09:46,545 Are you going to cry again? Should she be here? 233 00:09:46,628 --> 00:09:48,606 Okay, you know what? Nobody's getting any more shots. 234 00:09:48,630 --> 00:09:50,984 We just have to wait for the swelling to go down. All right? 235 00:09:51,008 --> 00:09:54,011 I'm gonna go check on a little papen/vork. I'll be right back. 236 00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:57,181 But if it doesn't go down, 237 00:09:57,264 --> 00:09:59,099 that leg might have to come off. 238 00:09:59,183 --> 00:10:00,851 Sweet. Take them both. 239 00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:03,663 Then I could get some of those blade legs and finally be able to dunk. 240 00:10:03,687 --> 00:10:05,939 How you feeling, champ? What do we got here? 241 00:10:06,023 --> 00:10:10,611 The patient presents bronchial infiammation, dermal pruritis and minor angioedema. 242 00:10:10,694 --> 00:10:12,696 Who can tell me the cause? 243 00:10:15,324 --> 00:10:18,452 It's an allergic reaction to soy. 244 00:10:18,535 --> 00:10:22,247 Very good. The rest of you have a lot to learn. Let's keep moving. 245 00:10:24,541 --> 00:10:26,168 Stay with Luke. 246 00:10:28,170 --> 00:10:30,172 What is taking so long? 247 00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:34,218 Well, in my experience, these things can take time, so settle in. 248 00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:37,012 - This could be a while. - [ Phil ] There she is. 249 00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:39,556 Damn it! Oh, thank god. 250 00:10:39,681 --> 00:10:41,683 You okay? Yeah, I'm fine, mom. 251 00:10:41,809 --> 00:10:44,186 Oh! What the hell were you thinking? What happened? 252 00:10:44,269 --> 00:10:45,771 Well, it's not a big deal, okay? 253 00:10:45,854 --> 00:10:47,731 There was a party, and people were drinking. 254 00:10:47,815 --> 00:10:50,859 So the police showed up, and everybody ran. So I did too. 255 00:10:50,943 --> 00:10:52,820 And I started climbing down this fire escape. 256 00:10:52,945 --> 00:10:55,405 Oh, god. And then I heard a cop yell to put your hands up. 257 00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:57,783 So I did, and I fell onto him. 258 00:10:57,866 --> 00:11:01,203 You could have been killed. Haley, you're supposed to be an adult. 259 00:11:01,286 --> 00:11:03,747 How could you do something so childish and so stupid? 260 00:11:03,831 --> 00:11:05,374 Okay, okay. Let's calm down. 261 00:11:05,457 --> 00:11:07,084 We're all a little tired and cranky. 262 00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:10,337 Best thing we can do right now is get out of here, go get some waffles. 263 00:11:10,420 --> 00:11:12,464 I don't want waffles, Phil, okay? 264 00:11:12,548 --> 00:11:14,174 I'm upset, and I want to deal with this. 265 00:11:14,258 --> 00:11:15,843 All right, I got some bad news here. 266 00:11:15,926 --> 00:11:19,054 This afternoon, Haley has to appear before a disciplinary board, 267 00:11:19,137 --> 00:11:21,640 which will decide whether or not she gets kicked out of school. 268 00:11:21,765 --> 00:11:24,184 What? Oh, wait. Wait. No, I got that wrong. 269 00:11:24,309 --> 00:11:26,228 Ah! Oh, no, I got it right! 270 00:11:26,311 --> 00:11:28,397 Yes! Score. 271 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:30,107 One for me. 272 00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:34,945 It's what it sounds like. It literally telescopes. You see, what happens is... 273 00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:37,489 Dede, I hate to rush this, but I'm late for a meeting. 274 00:11:37,614 --> 00:11:39,867 Oh. It's been great seeing you, but can I walk you out? 275 00:11:39,950 --> 00:11:42,619 Okay. Sure. [ Door opens ] 276 00:11:43,704 --> 00:11:45,455 Ay, Jay, it's so weird. 277 00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:48,709 The moment I came through the door, the baby started kicking like crazy, 278 00:11:48,792 --> 00:11:51,378 like it's trying to claw its way out of me. 279 00:11:51,461 --> 00:11:53,589 [ Gasps ] Jbrujal 280 00:11:53,672 --> 00:11:55,591 oh, my god. 281 00:11:55,674 --> 00:11:58,552 - What is she doing here? - You're going to have a baby? 282 00:11:58,635 --> 00:12:00,429 I don't believe it. 283 00:12:00,512 --> 00:12:02,598 Uh, dede, don't get all crazy about this. 284 00:12:02,681 --> 00:12:04,516 [ Laughing ] 285 00:12:04,641 --> 00:12:07,144 What's happening? Her brain— it snapped. 286 00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:10,814 Oh! You're going to be a father again, atyourage. 287 00:12:10,898 --> 00:12:14,902 And here you were thinking you would just sail off into the sunset... 288 00:12:14,985 --> 00:12:18,655 With your beautiful young wife, not a care in the world. 289 00:12:18,739 --> 00:12:21,366 This is fantastic. 290 00:12:21,450 --> 00:12:24,536 I think my uterus just fixed itself. 291 00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:27,164 Don't ask. 292 00:12:28,290 --> 00:12:30,500 Oh. Oh. Oh, no. 293 00:12:30,584 --> 00:12:32,294 Who lives like this? 294 00:12:32,377 --> 00:12:34,630 When I had a dorm room, it was— oh, it was spotless. 295 00:12:34,713 --> 00:12:36,798 Can we just agree that girls are dirtier than boys? 296 00:12:36,924 --> 00:12:39,804 What should we do? I'd like to start by picking up some of these clothes. 297 00:12:39,843 --> 00:12:42,846 I meant about the hearing, Felix. Do we have a game plan? 298 00:12:42,930 --> 00:12:45,450 I think the best thing we can do is walk in there as a family... 299 00:12:45,515 --> 00:12:47,201 And let 'em know we support Haley no matter what. 300 00:12:47,225 --> 00:12:50,354 At this rate, we are going to be supporting Haley for the rest of our lives. 301 00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:53,023 Okay. [Groans] I just sat on half a peach, so I... 302 00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:55,359 No. I can't do this. I'm-I'm waiting outside. 303 00:12:56,985 --> 00:12:59,029 Disgusting. What are you wearing? 304 00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:02,115 - What? What's wrong with it? - Honey, you are fighting for your future... 305 00:13:02,199 --> 00:13:03,659 In front of a disciplinary committee, 306 00:13:03,742 --> 00:13:05,243 not entertaining the secret service. 307 00:13:05,327 --> 00:13:07,162 In legally blonde, Elle won her case... 308 00:13:07,245 --> 00:13:09,247 Because she was true to herself and dressed cute. 309 00:13:09,331 --> 00:13:11,500 Haley, this is real life, not an excellent movie. 310 00:13:11,583 --> 00:13:14,294 Honey, just put on something else and take down the makeup. 311 00:13:14,378 --> 00:13:16,964 Why are you guys acting like this is my fault? 312 00:13:17,047 --> 00:13:19,091 Everybody was drinking. Everybody ran. 313 00:13:19,174 --> 00:13:21,718 I just got caught. If anything, I'm the victim here. 314 00:13:21,802 --> 00:13:25,722 What? Just stop— Just stop talking, Haley. 315 00:13:25,806 --> 00:13:28,517 You're not the victim here. You're the one who screwed up! 316 00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:30,352 You made one bad decision after another, 317 00:13:30,435 --> 00:13:33,814 and now you're about to blow everything your mother and I worked so hard to give you. 318 00:13:33,897 --> 00:13:35,816 And the worst thing is, you don't seem to care. 319 00:13:35,899 --> 00:13:39,277 We all got up at 3:00 am. This morning to bail you out of jail! 320 00:13:39,361 --> 00:13:42,131 We haven't eaten a thing. And you know what I haven't heard from you yet? 321 00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:45,575 “I'm sorry, mom. I screwed up, dad. Please forgive me.” 322 00:13:45,659 --> 00:13:50,330 Now put on some real clothes. We'll see you at the hearing. Do not be late! 323 00:13:50,414 --> 00:13:52,416 - Come on. - Where are you going? 324 00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:55,085 To get that man a waffle. 325 00:13:58,255 --> 00:14:01,216 There. There. Did you feel it kicking? Oh, yes! Oh! 326 00:14:01,299 --> 00:14:03,176 I remember those. 327 00:14:03,260 --> 00:14:06,680 Yeah, Claire kicked me as soon as she grew legs, 328 00:14:06,763 --> 00:14:08,849 and she didn't stop until she was four. 329 00:14:08,932 --> 00:14:11,059 [ Laughing ] Not Manny. 330 00:14:11,143 --> 00:14:14,521 He was so calm. I think that he was reading in there. 331 00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:16,164 - [ Both laughing ] - This is beautiful. 332 00:14:16,231 --> 00:14:18,483 Look at you two, having a conversation like old friends. 333 00:14:18,567 --> 00:14:21,945 Well, it's easier to talk to her when she's not choking me. 334 00:14:22,029 --> 00:14:24,698 I'm sorry. I went through a bad patch there... 335 00:14:24,781 --> 00:14:28,243 When I was trying to find the right balance with my meds. 336 00:14:28,326 --> 00:14:33,373 I recently discovered my cat Frances buried in the backyard. 337 00:14:33,457 --> 00:14:35,792 I'm just praying that she died first. 338 00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:39,046 Maybe you can dog-sit for the shoe eater one day. 339 00:14:39,129 --> 00:14:43,300 Oh. Well, she is a funny-looking thing. 340 00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:45,635 Don't listen to them. You're beautiful. 341 00:14:45,719 --> 00:14:48,722 Turns out Gloria being pregnant somehow made dede think of her... 342 00:14:48,805 --> 00:14:51,641 As less trophy, more human. 343 00:14:51,725 --> 00:14:56,855 And all the animosity she had for Gloria just... wafted up in the air. 344 00:14:56,938 --> 00:14:59,066 I hope you're hiring a nanny... 345 00:14:59,149 --> 00:15:02,110 Because this one won't lift a finger. 346 00:15:03,487 --> 00:15:06,198 And landed right on top of me. 347 00:15:06,281 --> 00:15:09,785 I don't remember him changing a single diaper. 348 00:15:09,868 --> 00:15:11,369 What's that supposed to mean? 349 00:15:11,453 --> 00:15:13,205 You can't even remember killing your cat. 350 00:15:13,288 --> 00:15:17,834 Oh, I don't think I did. But I'm sure that you never changed any diapers. 351 00:15:17,918 --> 00:15:19,878 It's just that you were better at it than I was. 352 00:15:19,961 --> 00:15:22,923 Oh, so I guess I was better at late-night feedings... 353 00:15:23,006 --> 00:15:25,175 And cleaning spit-up too. 354 00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:26,760 You know what? 355 00:15:26,843 --> 00:15:29,888 He wouldn't help me pick up a stroller or a blanket... 356 00:15:29,971 --> 00:15:31,556 Or a bouncy chair. 357 00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:35,352 Oh, well, I had to get that stuff on my own. 358 00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:37,813 He was just useless. 359 00:15:37,896 --> 00:15:39,940 You poor thing. 360 00:15:40,023 --> 00:15:42,859 Makes all sense now why you became so crazy. 361 00:15:42,943 --> 00:15:44,778 Right? 362 00:15:44,861 --> 00:15:46,738 Listen to me, Jay pritchett. 363 00:15:46,822 --> 00:15:49,366 If you don't change your useless ways, 364 00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:51,409 you're gonna make me crazy too! 365 00:15:51,493 --> 00:15:53,995 Like dede. Gloria. 366 00:15:54,079 --> 00:15:56,331 Gloria! 367 00:15:56,414 --> 00:15:58,416 I just love our little visits. 368 00:16:01,044 --> 00:16:03,296 - Mom, I'm home! - Oh, hi, Manny. 369 00:16:03,380 --> 00:16:05,715 Dede. How are you? 370 00:16:05,799 --> 00:16:06,925 Good. 371 00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:10,220 Dede, it's me. 372 00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:12,139 How are you really? 373 00:16:12,264 --> 00:16:15,142 I'm on a better path. It's a journey. 374 00:16:15,225 --> 00:16:17,644 Thank you for asking, Manny. 375 00:16:17,727 --> 00:16:19,896 And thank you for your letters. 376 00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:23,525 It's a lost art. No one puts pen to paper anymore. 377 00:16:23,608 --> 00:16:27,112 - [ Man ] Haley Dunphy? - Yes, that's me. 378 00:16:27,195 --> 00:16:29,340 I'm Dean Miller with admissions. This is professor Williams. 379 00:16:29,364 --> 00:16:31,825 - Hi. - And this is our student representative Aidan feldman. 380 00:16:31,908 --> 00:16:34,202 - Nice to meet you. - Seriously? 381 00:16:34,286 --> 00:16:36,079 We sit next to each other in econ. 382 00:16:36,204 --> 00:16:38,415 Oh! Right! Don't. 383 00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:41,001 It insults both of us. Mostly me. 384 00:16:41,084 --> 00:16:45,172 Move it along, Aidan. This is a disciplinary hearing, not jdate. 385 00:16:45,255 --> 00:16:47,966 You are charged with public drunkenness, resisting arrest... 386 00:16:48,049 --> 00:16:49,968 And assaulting a police officer, 387 00:16:50,051 --> 00:16:53,680 all of which obviously violate our school's code of conduct. 388 00:16:53,763 --> 00:16:56,349 Sir, if I may speak on behalf of my client... 389 00:16:56,433 --> 00:16:59,113 - Who are you? - I'm Mitchell pritchett. I'm miss Dunphy's attorney. 390 00:16:59,144 --> 00:17:01,021 We require students to speak for themselves. 391 00:17:01,104 --> 00:17:04,316 There are no attorneys allowed. You shouldn't even be here. 392 00:17:04,399 --> 00:17:07,086 What if I just sat in this chair and was really super quiet and just listened? 393 00:17:07,110 --> 00:17:09,613 I'll allow it. Knock it off, Aidan. 394 00:17:09,696 --> 00:17:12,416 Miss Dunphy, is there anything you would like to say in your defense? 395 00:17:12,490 --> 00:17:15,744 Actually, I have no defense. 396 00:17:15,827 --> 00:17:18,747 I was drinking. I am underage. 397 00:17:18,830 --> 00:17:20,540 I ran from the police. 398 00:17:20,624 --> 00:17:23,710 And even though it was an accident, I injured an officer. 399 00:17:23,793 --> 00:17:26,546 I am very, very sorry. 400 00:17:26,630 --> 00:17:29,007 I've made a lot of bad decisions since I've been here, 401 00:17:29,090 --> 00:17:32,010 and it's time I take some responsibility. 402 00:17:32,093 --> 00:17:33,845 Like sometimes, in the dining hall, 403 00:17:33,929 --> 00:17:36,640 I slip my pinky under the scale when they weigh my salad. 404 00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:40,393 Also, I've missed more morning classes than I've been to. 405 00:17:40,477 --> 00:17:43,104 - She's kid— - I don't know what the policy is on dating t.A.'S, 406 00:17:43,230 --> 00:17:45,023 but I think I broke it. [ Phil 1 what? 407 00:17:45,106 --> 00:17:46,650 Twice. Oh, man. 408 00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:49,694 If we're gonna be completely honest, on my application to get in here, 409 00:17:49,819 --> 00:17:52,447 I lied about the fact that I was— no, objection! 410 00:17:52,530 --> 00:17:55,033 - On what grounds? - Oh, he gets to say it. 411 00:17:55,116 --> 00:17:59,454 Miss Dunphy. Miss Dunphy, we appreciate your candor. 412 00:17:59,537 --> 00:18:01,498 Is there anything else you'd like to add? 413 00:18:02,499 --> 00:18:04,334 Go, wildcats? 414 00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:06,211 Oh, boy. 415 00:18:06,294 --> 00:18:08,213 That's not even our mascot. 416 00:18:09,714 --> 00:18:11,591 What does this do? 417 00:18:11,675 --> 00:18:14,552 I don't know, but thanks to Obama, you're paying for it. 418 00:18:14,636 --> 00:18:17,055 Hey. You're looking a lot better. How you feeling? 419 00:18:17,138 --> 00:18:18,723 Better than kidney stones over there. 420 00:18:18,807 --> 00:18:20,558 You know what? Now that you're doing better, 421 00:18:20,642 --> 00:18:23,061 I think I should call your mom and tell her what happened. 422 00:18:23,144 --> 00:18:25,647 You know, I know it was a bit of a rough ride in the beginning, 423 00:18:25,730 --> 00:18:28,900 but the important thing is is I handled it and everybody's okay. 424 00:18:29,025 --> 00:18:31,027 What happened to her? [ Ll/litche/I] Hello? 425 00:18:31,111 --> 00:18:33,071 She passed out watching a c-section. 426 00:18:33,154 --> 00:18:35,073 Cam? [ High-pitched voice ] Never mind! 427 00:18:35,156 --> 00:18:36,533 [Beeps] 428 00:18:36,741 --> 00:18:40,370 [Angry muttering in Spanish ] 429 00:18:41,204 --> 00:18:42,872 What are you looking for? 430 00:18:42,956 --> 00:18:45,917 Nothing! I am making a lot of noise because I'm angry! 431 00:18:46,001 --> 00:18:48,169 Gloria, I'm gonna help you with the baby. 432 00:18:48,253 --> 00:18:49,796 I am not young, like with Manny. 433 00:18:49,879 --> 00:18:53,717 I am tired already, and it's gonna get harder from here. 434 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:56,803 I can't do this on my own, and you did this to me, 435 00:18:56,886 --> 00:18:58,555 so you're going to be here this time! 436 00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:01,516 Back then, we were living paycheck to paycheck. 437 00:19:01,599 --> 00:19:04,436 The reason I wasn't around is I was working all the time. 438 00:19:04,519 --> 00:19:07,480 Believe me, dede wasn't the only one having sleepless nights. 439 00:19:07,564 --> 00:19:11,943 But now it's different. Now I can help you with everything. 440 00:19:12,986 --> 00:19:15,488 Really? 441 00:19:15,572 --> 00:19:18,199 Let's start right now. I like that one. 442 00:19:18,283 --> 00:19:20,118 Which one? That silver stroller. 443 00:19:20,243 --> 00:19:22,537 No, we're going to get the green one. Great. What's next? 444 00:19:22,620 --> 00:19:25,040 How 'bout I pick out the wrong crib? 445 00:19:25,165 --> 00:19:27,667 How you doing, Alex? I'm fine, except for the crushing blow... 446 00:19:27,751 --> 00:19:29,711 Of knowing I'll never be a doctor... 447 00:19:29,794 --> 00:19:31,379 Or have a baby. 448 00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:33,798 I wonder what's going on with Haley. I don't know. 449 00:19:33,882 --> 00:19:35,901 I've been so petty about your mom judging my parenting, 450 00:19:35,925 --> 00:19:38,345 I haven't even thought about what she's going through today. 451 00:19:38,428 --> 00:19:40,305 I feel awful. You know what? I should call her. 452 00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:42,849 What are you talking about? Mom thinks you're a great parent. 453 00:19:42,974 --> 00:19:46,019 She does? Yeah. She just thinks you can't bake. 454 00:19:46,102 --> 00:19:48,104 [ Claire ] Hello? Never mind. 455 00:19:48,188 --> 00:19:49,189 [Beeps] 456 00:19:50,732 --> 00:19:53,276 Making a child is the easy part. 457 00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:56,029 The hard part is everything that comes after. 458 00:19:56,112 --> 00:19:57,614 Keeping them safe. 459 00:19:57,697 --> 00:19:59,337 You can tell your mother that my scones... 460 00:19:59,407 --> 00:20:02,470 Are appropriately crunchy on the outside while delightfully dense on the in... 461 00:20:02,494 --> 00:20:04,829 [Screaming ] Saw that. Saw it. 462 00:20:04,913 --> 00:20:07,040 Li/laking sacrifices for them. 463 00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:09,167 Hey, kid. 464 00:20:09,250 --> 00:20:11,878 I'll take you to that poetry reading thing tonight. 465 00:20:11,961 --> 00:20:14,297 Actually, dede and I were just talking. 466 00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:16,216 She's a huge fan of spoken word. 467 00:20:16,299 --> 00:20:18,385 And I would love to escort him. 468 00:20:18,468 --> 00:20:20,637 Please... 469 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:24,057 And standing by them even when they let you down. 470 00:20:24,182 --> 00:20:26,726 I really am sorry. We appreciate that. 471 00:20:26,810 --> 00:20:28,478 It's good that you stepped up today. 472 00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:32,190 Yeah. Sometimes it's healthy to get a fresh start. 473 00:20:34,109 --> 00:20:37,404 Ugh. I can't believe this. What am I gonna do? 474 00:20:37,487 --> 00:20:39,739 Well, they said you could reapply next year. 475 00:20:39,823 --> 00:20:41,491 In the meantime, you're gonna get a job... 476 00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:43,243 And you're gonna take some classes. 477 00:20:43,326 --> 00:20:46,037 Well, I'm gonna buckle down and get a lot more serious. 478 00:20:46,162 --> 00:20:47,622 Goodforyou. Yeah. 479 00:20:47,747 --> 00:20:50,583 Where are my keys? Oh, they're right there on the makeup table. 480 00:20:50,667 --> 00:20:53,211 Oh, honey. That's a desk. 481 00:20:58,967 --> 00:21:00,635 Oh, my god. What are you doing here? 482 00:21:00,718 --> 00:21:03,221 I got kicked out. So go ahead, make yourjokes. 483 00:21:03,304 --> 00:21:05,974 - Get it out of your system. - No, that's horrible. 484 00:21:06,057 --> 00:21:09,018 I'm so sorry. It'll be fine. I'm sure of it. 485 00:21:09,102 --> 00:21:10,687 Thank you. 486 00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:13,189 Ew! What did you do to my room? 487 00:21:13,273 --> 00:21:15,191 Well, it's not exactly your room. It's mine. 488 00:21:15,316 --> 00:21:19,112 This goes. This goes. I hate that. This is ugly. Haley, stop! 489 00:21:19,237 --> 00:21:20,238 Mom! Mom! 490 00:21:20,321 --> 00:21:22,240 What is this, a solar system? 491 00:21:22,365 --> 00:21:24,617 It's molecules. They're nerdy balls. 492 00:21:24,701 --> 00:21:28,246 Alex, don't fight with her. She might have a shiv. 493 00:21:28,329 --> 00:21:30,874 We cool? [Snaps fingers]