1 00:00:04,839 --> 00:00:08,092 [I Jay] As great as it is bringing a baby home from the hospital, 2 00:00:08,176 --> 00:00:11,262 there's one sound you absolutely dread waking up to. 3 00:00:11,387 --> 00:00:15,141 [Women laughing loudly, speaking Spanish ] [ Gloria ] 4 te aouero'as, Sonia? 4 00:00:15,224 --> 00:00:16,767 Relatives. 5 00:00:16,893 --> 00:00:19,645 Te ves— 7'e ves o'ivina en esta foto. [ Laughing ] 6 00:00:19,729 --> 00:00:22,648 I really never saw these wedding pictures, mama. 7 00:00:22,732 --> 00:00:25,234 How handsome and young papalooks. 8 00:00:25,318 --> 00:00:28,112 Ay, it makes me sad. 9 00:00:28,196 --> 00:00:29,739 Ay, I know that you miss him. 10 00:00:29,822 --> 00:00:31,324 No. Look at my ass. 11 00:00:31,407 --> 00:00:33,688 There are two things in that picture I don't have anymore. 12 00:00:33,743 --> 00:00:36,746 A y, mama, que looa. Sonia, can I help you? 13 00:00:36,829 --> 00:00:38,664 No, no, she's fine. It keeps her busy. 14 00:00:38,748 --> 00:00:42,168 We need more com. Gloria, where's your garden? I will harvest some. 15 00:00:42,251 --> 00:00:45,314 They don't live that way, honey. Gloria, give me the keys. We'll go to the market. 16 00:00:45,338 --> 00:00:47,423 Hey, you're all awake. I didn't hear you. 17 00:00:47,506 --> 00:00:49,717 Oh, look at my two handsome men. 18 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:52,261 /I//I nin'o, my little fulgencio umberto. 19 00:00:52,345 --> 00:00:53,947 You know, about the name, we're not entirely sure... 20 00:00:53,971 --> 00:00:57,141 Sonia, vamonos. Good-bye, fulgencio. 21 00:00:57,225 --> 00:00:59,310 Say good-bye to fulgencio. 22 00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:01,729 - Bye-bye, fulgencio. - His name is Joe. 23 00:01:01,812 --> 00:01:03,898 You tell her that we're not naming him... 24 00:01:03,981 --> 00:01:06,817 After her dead husband or his father before him. 25 00:01:06,943 --> 00:01:08,611 His name was— Please don't say it again. 26 00:01:08,694 --> 00:01:11,989 Jay, lcannotgo against my mother's will. 27 00:01:12,073 --> 00:01:15,076 But she likes you. Maybe if you convince her... 28 00:01:15,159 --> 00:01:18,913 “Fuljencio” umberto— The initials are f.U. Pritchett. 29 00:01:18,996 --> 00:01:21,332 Which is exactly the way it feels right now. 30 00:01:22,333 --> 00:01:24,210 Y hey, hey, I 31 00:01:24,293 --> 00:01:26,295 y hey, hey, I 32 00:01:26,379 --> 00:01:28,422 y hey, hey, I 33 00:01:28,506 --> 00:01:30,383 y hey, hey, I 34 00:01:30,466 --> 00:01:31,634 j hey jv 35 00:01:34,011 --> 00:01:36,555 is there some kind of dress code for godparents? 36 00:01:36,639 --> 00:01:38,951 You're not wearing a fedora, Phil. Can you pick up the dry cleaning? 37 00:01:38,975 --> 00:01:41,894 [ Imitating Marlon Brando ] That sounds like an offer I can't refuse. 38 00:01:41,978 --> 00:01:43,271 Yeah, we're not doing that. 39 00:01:43,354 --> 00:01:45,940 So / got delayed picking up Lily from dance class. 40 00:01:46,023 --> 00:01:48,752 Now Gloria's got me running around doing a thousand things for the christening. 41 00:01:48,776 --> 00:01:50,278 Son of a bitch. 42 00:01:50,361 --> 00:01:52,488 It's not that bad, really. /'mjust— I'm venting. 43 00:01:52,571 --> 00:01:54,073 I couldn't believe it. 44 00:01:54,156 --> 00:01:55,676 Somebody's balloons were blocking my billboard. 45 00:01:55,700 --> 00:01:57,910 Philboard. My philboard. 46 00:01:57,994 --> 00:02:00,288 Can we wear the same outfits at crispin's party... 47 00:02:00,371 --> 00:02:01,831 That we're wearing to the baptism? 48 00:02:01,914 --> 00:02:03,582 Oh, you know what? I don't know. 49 00:02:03,666 --> 00:02:05,018 Because you wanna be subdued at church... 50 00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:06,210 And then fabulous at night. 51 00:02:06,294 --> 00:02:07,628 You know who would make a fortune? 52 00:02:07,712 --> 00:02:09,731 The designer who comes up with the little black dress for men. 53 00:02:09,755 --> 00:02:12,008 Mmm. I'm bored. 54 00:02:12,091 --> 00:02:13,360 I know, sweetie, but daddies are talking... 55 00:02:13,384 --> 00:02:14,695 About what we're gonna wear tonight, 56 00:02:14,719 --> 00:02:16,345 and that's a difficult conversation. 57 00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:18,306 Cry me a river. [ Mitchell 1 Lily. 58 00:02:18,389 --> 00:02:21,851 I-I'm not loving this attitude. You seem a little mean. 59 00:02:21,934 --> 00:02:24,979 Sorry. Should I call you a wahmbulance? 60 00:02:26,063 --> 00:02:29,108 Oh, my gosh. She has been so snarky lately. 61 00:02:29,191 --> 00:02:30,460 I know. I've actually been getting nervous... 62 00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:31,837 When we're making her late for something. 63 00:02:31,861 --> 00:02:33,213 Because of what she said the other day? 64 00:02:33,237 --> 00:02:34,947 “Today, ladies.” hurtful. 65 00:02:35,031 --> 00:02:37,325 You know, she hears us doing it. 66 00:02:37,408 --> 00:02:40,703 So we-we should try and be less negative. 67 00:02:40,828 --> 00:02:42,788 Model some better behavior. Yeah. 68 00:02:42,872 --> 00:02:44,433 Well, you know, if it's a model she needs, 69 00:02:44,457 --> 00:02:46,500 she's come to the right place. Oh, boy. 70 00:02:46,584 --> 00:02:48,461 Hmm. 71 00:02:48,544 --> 00:02:51,339 I wish Lily was in here, so she could hear me not comment on that. 72 00:02:52,590 --> 00:02:53,966 I get it. You're modeling. 73 00:02:54,050 --> 00:02:56,093 Hey, it's Phil Dunphy again. 74 00:02:56,177 --> 00:02:58,512 [ Laughs] I-I got cut off by your machine. 75 00:02:58,596 --> 00:03:00,389 I'm, uh, not sure where I left off there, 76 00:03:00,473 --> 00:03:01,682 but I'll attempt to be brief, 77 00:03:01,766 --> 00:03:04,560 as I do appreciate when people do the same for me. 78 00:03:04,643 --> 00:03:07,355 Anyhoo, uh, your balloons are co... 79 00:03:07,438 --> 00:03:08,522 Damn it! 80 00:03:08,606 --> 00:03:10,274 Is anyone home? Moml 81 00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:12,151 - I need her first. Moml - she's out. 82 00:03:12,234 --> 00:03:13,962 Why is she always gone when we need an adult? 83 00:03:13,986 --> 00:03:14,986 I can help. 84 00:03:15,071 --> 00:03:16,551 What's with the cage? Science project. 85 00:03:16,614 --> 00:03:18,157 Mom, where are you? Out. 86 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:19,509 - It's just the three of us. - Four. 87 00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:21,035 - I need her. - Rats! 88 00:03:21,118 --> 00:03:22,244 I know, right? 89 00:03:22,328 --> 00:03:23,848 Guys, I'm right here. What do you need? 90 00:03:23,954 --> 00:03:25,414 It's okay. We're good. Never mind. 91 00:03:25,498 --> 00:03:26,791 No. No, no, no, no. 92 00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:28,459 Family meeting. Everybody grab some 'za. 93 00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,419 We're gonna talk about this. 94 00:03:31,754 --> 00:03:34,382 Listen, I know you guys like to go to mom... 95 00:03:34,465 --> 00:03:36,258 Because she's Mr. Tough guy problem solver. 96 00:03:36,342 --> 00:03:37,551 She gets results. 97 00:03:37,635 --> 00:03:39,804 Yeah, she does. She does. You're right. 98 00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:42,282 Like the last time we got pizza from our favorite place here. 99 00:03:42,306 --> 00:03:43,808 Remember that? We got shortchanged, 100 00:03:43,891 --> 00:03:45,893 she cursed a blue streak and got our money back. 101 00:03:45,976 --> 00:03:47,728 How's that pizza, by the way? 102 00:03:47,812 --> 00:03:48,812 Pretty good. It's okay. 103 00:03:48,854 --> 00:03:51,273 Liars! It's garbage. 104 00:03:51,357 --> 00:03:53,984 That's not scardino's. It's scandoni's. 105 00:03:54,068 --> 00:03:56,445 You know why? 'Cause your mom's little blow-up... 106 00:03:56,529 --> 00:04:01,200 Got us banned from scardino's for life. 107 00:04:01,283 --> 00:04:03,244 So maybe your mom's way isn't always the best way. 108 00:04:03,327 --> 00:04:05,788 Now why don't you guys tell me what's going on? 109 00:04:05,871 --> 00:04:08,124 I'm having a '60s-themed birthday party next week. 110 00:04:08,207 --> 00:04:10,626 Hippies, bell-bottoms, tie-dye. 111 00:04:10,709 --> 00:04:14,713 Karen Sullivan heard about it, and decided to have the same party— tonight. 112 00:04:14,797 --> 00:04:16,257 Not groovy. 113 00:04:16,340 --> 00:04:18,092 I accidentally called my teacher “mommy.” 114 00:04:18,175 --> 00:04:21,512 My “friend” Reuben went around and told everyone. 115 00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:24,682 Oh, hey, Reuben, do you remember that class field trip to the zoo... 116 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:27,351 When the zebra rushed the fence and you peed your pants? 117 00:04:27,435 --> 00:04:30,271 I didn't tell anyone, not even on the bus ride home... 118 00:04:30,354 --> 00:04:31,814 When he had to sit next to mom... 119 00:04:31,897 --> 00:04:33,732 Miss bockmanl damn it! 120 00:04:33,816 --> 00:04:35,276 Our neighbor's out of town, 121 00:04:35,359 --> 00:04:37,736 and she's paying me to move her car on street cleaning days. 122 00:04:37,820 --> 00:04:39,420 Now I would just park it in her driveway, 123 00:04:39,488 --> 00:04:41,782 but she already has a camper and a cord of wood there. 124 00:04:41,866 --> 00:04:43,451 Pretty sure she's a lesbian. 125 00:04:43,534 --> 00:04:45,619 Anyway, easy money, right? 126 00:04:45,744 --> 00:04:47,681 [ Car horns honking ] [ Haley] Oh, my god. I can't see anything! 127 00:04:47,705 --> 00:04:50,124 Hard starboard! What does that even mean? 128 00:04:50,207 --> 00:04:52,835 How much longer do I have to block people? 129 00:04:52,918 --> 00:04:54,420 I'm late for the airport. 130 00:04:54,503 --> 00:04:56,023 Dylan, you are being no help right now! 131 00:04:56,088 --> 00:04:58,132 Sorry, but I'm already in trouble with dispatch... 132 00:04:58,215 --> 00:05:00,384 For drinking all those little waters. 133 00:05:00,468 --> 00:05:02,344 - Drive! Do it now! - [ Screams ] 134 00:05:02,428 --> 00:05:04,763 [ Branch cracks] 135 00:05:04,847 --> 00:05:07,933 How do I tell her I snapped a branch on her beloved lemon tree? 136 00:05:08,017 --> 00:05:11,645 I mean, she boils the leaves to add a scent to her own work boot oil. 137 00:05:11,729 --> 00:05:14,440 Did I mention she plays in two softball leagues? 138 00:05:14,523 --> 00:05:16,918 What are you guys gonna do? You gonna have your mom go around... 139 00:05:16,942 --> 00:05:19,737 And yell at all these people and burn a bunch of Bridges, 140 00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:22,323 or are you gonna talk to your Reubens, 141 00:05:22,406 --> 00:05:26,327 your karens, your lemon lady? 142 00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:30,080 Tell 'em how you feel, appeal to their human side. 143 00:05:30,164 --> 00:05:32,750 The choice is pretty simple, huh? 144 00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:34,376 [ Sighs 1 145 00:05:34,460 --> 00:05:36,378 so she's out all day? 146 00:05:36,504 --> 00:05:39,256 I'll try her cell. It's off. I texted her while dad was talking. 147 00:05:39,340 --> 00:05:41,425 [ Haley groans ] 148 00:05:42,426 --> 00:05:44,261 Pilar, I brought you a coffee. 149 00:05:44,345 --> 00:05:45,930 I put a little something extra in it. 150 00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:48,557 [ Sniffs ] Jay, you devil. 151 00:05:48,641 --> 00:05:51,894 Hey, by the way, look... 152 00:05:51,977 --> 00:05:54,104 [ Squeals ] It's beautiful, no? 153 00:05:54,188 --> 00:05:56,899 It's the dressing gown for fulgencio's christening. 154 00:05:56,982 --> 00:05:59,235 All the man in our family wear this. 155 00:05:59,318 --> 00:06:00,819 What's one more son in a dress? 156 00:06:00,903 --> 00:06:03,489 Oh, tradition. It's so important. 157 00:06:03,572 --> 00:06:07,535 I have a gift in here for little fulgencio... 158 00:06:07,618 --> 00:06:10,287 That has been in my family for three generations. 159 00:06:10,371 --> 00:06:12,164 You know, about this naming thing... 160 00:06:12,248 --> 00:06:15,793 In america, it's not real common to hear the name “fuljencio.” 161 00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:17,211 It's “ful-hen-cio.” 162 00:06:18,754 --> 00:06:21,340 I don't need to practice it, 'cause I can't name my son that. 163 00:06:21,423 --> 00:06:23,551 I'm just being honest with you. 164 00:06:23,634 --> 00:06:25,553 No. No, no, no, no, that's good. 165 00:06:25,636 --> 00:06:27,697 That's good. I should be more honest with you sometimes. 166 00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:29,074 Well, we know each other a few years. 167 00:06:29,098 --> 00:06:30,641 Idontfikeyou, Jay huh? 168 00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:33,644 Nah. We can act like everything is fine for the family, 169 00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:35,479 but, you know, I have never liked you. 170 00:06:35,563 --> 00:06:39,567 The way you take whatever looks good to you, you know... 171 00:06:39,650 --> 00:06:42,278 Like my daughter or the last piece of meat. 172 00:06:42,361 --> 00:06:43,529 Whoa. 173 00:06:43,612 --> 00:06:45,656 You're always too busy to pick me up at the airport. 174 00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:48,492 You send a total stranger with a cardboard sign. 175 00:06:48,576 --> 00:06:49,743 Hey, grandma. Hey. 176 00:06:49,827 --> 00:06:51,579 Hey, buddy. Get over here. 177 00:06:51,662 --> 00:06:53,581 I sure do love the cross you got me. 178 00:06:53,664 --> 00:06:55,165 But do I have to wear it today? 179 00:06:55,249 --> 00:06:57,293 It's kinda hard to close my shirt over it. 180 00:06:57,376 --> 00:07:00,629 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You do whatever you want, pao'reoito. 181 00:07:00,713 --> 00:07:02,113 I know that's the way in this house. 182 00:07:02,172 --> 00:07:05,801 But if you wear it, ooh, you'll make me proud. 183 00:07:05,884 --> 00:07:08,095 It's been in my family for five generations. 184 00:07:08,178 --> 00:07:10,139 Okay. I'll walk you out, buddy. 185 00:07:11,015 --> 00:07:12,558 Is anything in her family new? 186 00:07:12,641 --> 00:07:14,143 [ Bubble wrap pops ] 187 00:07:14,226 --> 00:07:16,186 Justyou. [Chuches] 188 00:07:20,316 --> 00:07:23,319 Okay. Excuse me. Sorry. [ Chuckles ] 189 00:07:23,402 --> 00:07:25,779 All right. Here we've got the deli platter, 190 00:07:25,863 --> 00:07:27,615 and there's more in my car. 191 00:07:28,574 --> 00:07:30,367 But those are not from rumpernook's. 192 00:07:30,451 --> 00:07:32,161 No, because the cheese at rump... 193 00:07:32,244 --> 00:07:33,847 I don't go there anymore. [ Clears throat] 194 00:07:33,871 --> 00:07:35,331 I'm going to do the laundry. 195 00:07:35,414 --> 00:07:38,042 Okay, Sonia. I love you so much. 196 00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:41,337 - Wow. Pretty cozy with the new housekeeper, huh? - She's my sister. 197 00:07:41,420 --> 00:07:44,298 Wow. Pretty weird with your sister. 198 00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:47,134 She likes to keep busy. But I feel bad for her. 199 00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:49,136 I have so much, and she has nothing. 200 00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:51,138 Okay. Well, people make their own choices. 201 00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:54,308 - It's not like you're responsible. - No, no. 202 00:07:54,391 --> 00:07:55,893 Maybe just a little bit. 203 00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:59,271 I was older, and I had opportunities to travel, 204 00:07:59,355 --> 00:08:00,814 and I took them. 205 00:08:00,898 --> 00:08:03,984 - Well, it didn't prevent her from going anywhere. - No, no. 206 00:08:04,068 --> 00:08:06,153 Maybe just one time. 207 00:08:06,236 --> 00:08:10,157 There was a letter that arrived from america about a job opportunity. 208 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:12,409 And it was only for one person, 209 00:08:12,493 --> 00:08:13,994 and I went. 210 00:08:14,078 --> 00:08:16,372 But it's not like the envelope was addressed to her, 211 00:08:16,455 --> 00:08:18,290 and you opened it and... 212 00:08:18,374 --> 00:08:19,875 [ Gasps ] You're evil. 213 00:08:19,958 --> 00:08:21,710 I had to get out of there, Claire. 214 00:08:21,794 --> 00:08:25,506 You just strapped on those high heels and walked right over her back, didn't you? 215 00:08:25,589 --> 00:08:27,383 Maybe a little bit. 216 00:08:27,466 --> 00:08:29,510 Where is the river? 217 00:08:29,593 --> 00:08:31,845 [ Exhales] 218 00:08:31,929 --> 00:08:35,057 - Hey, boys! - [ Mitchell, Cameron ] Crispin. 219 00:08:35,140 --> 00:08:37,768 Shouldn't you be preparing for your annual party of the century? 220 00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:40,080 It's done, and it's perfect. In my mind, I'm already into next year's. 221 00:08:40,104 --> 00:08:42,415 I'm here with Brett. I don't know if you've seen his new look, 222 00:08:42,439 --> 00:08:44,292 but you are going to have a heart attack and die. 223 00:08:44,316 --> 00:08:46,026 No one's dying. It's just an expression. 224 00:08:46,151 --> 00:08:48,779 [Whispers ] Yeah. Hey, handsome. 225 00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:51,448 Yep, I did it. Pulled the trigger and got a perm. 226 00:08:51,532 --> 00:08:52,908 You sure did. 227 00:08:52,991 --> 00:08:54,743 Did it myself, right in the kitchen. 228 00:08:54,827 --> 00:08:57,788 You don't need to spend a million to look like a million. 229 00:08:57,871 --> 00:09:01,542 Uh, you know, my coffee's probably ready, so... 230 00:09:01,667 --> 00:09:03,043 [Crispin chuckles] 231 00:09:03,127 --> 00:09:05,212 Okay, that's like a chia pet, right? 232 00:09:05,295 --> 00:09:07,339 Maybe a drag production of Annie? 233 00:09:07,423 --> 00:09:09,883 Oh, actually, Lily, I think uncle crispin's forgetting... 234 00:09:09,967 --> 00:09:13,178 That Brett has feelings and we need to try and not hurt them, so... 235 00:09:13,262 --> 00:09:15,156 [Cameron ] Yes, and maybe we should remind uncle crispin... 236 00:09:15,180 --> 00:09:18,058 That when you say nice things to people, they say nice things back. 237 00:09:18,142 --> 00:09:21,395 Well, consider me reminded. [Laughs] 238 00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:23,689 Gotta run. Yeah, we'll see you tonight. Bye. 239 00:09:23,772 --> 00:09:25,190 Can't wait. Can't wait. 240 00:09:25,315 --> 00:09:27,901 He's funny. Yes, he is, but he can also be biting. 241 00:09:28,026 --> 00:09:30,070 He bites people? Well, with his words, 242 00:09:30,154 --> 00:09:31,954 not with his teeth like Xander from art class. 243 00:09:31,989 --> 00:09:33,883 [ Phone chimes] We need to confirm he got his shot. 244 00:09:33,907 --> 00:09:36,702 Yeah. Oh, my god. Okay, crispin... 245 00:09:36,785 --> 00:09:39,163 “Too many r.S.V.P.'S. Have to make cuts to party. 246 00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:41,123 Maybe next time.” sad face. 247 00:09:41,206 --> 00:09:43,208 [ Scoffs ] Wha... 248 00:09:43,292 --> 00:09:46,712 Because we refuse to abuse, we get banned from the party of the century? 249 00:09:46,795 --> 00:09:49,006 Does somebody need a wahmbulance? 250 00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:52,342 No. I do not need a wahmbulance. 251 00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:56,889 Hey, kids. How was your day? 252 00:09:56,972 --> 00:09:59,141 I knew the answer to that question. 253 00:09:59,224 --> 00:10:03,103 I'd had kind of a busy day going around solving everyone's problems. 254 00:10:03,187 --> 00:10:06,148 I started by going to see my buddy sta vros the florist. 255 00:10:07,524 --> 00:10:09,276 - Stavros, I assume? - Yes. 256 00:10:09,359 --> 00:10:11,463 [Laughs] I just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood. 257 00:10:11,487 --> 00:10:14,072 Well, thank you. Yeah, I brought you some sandwiches, by the way. 258 00:10:14,156 --> 00:10:15,657 How good is lamb, huh? 259 00:10:15,741 --> 00:10:16,741 [ Boy yelps ] Oh! 260 00:10:16,825 --> 00:10:18,035 Nikos! Oh! Gotcha. 261 00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:19,953 Oh! [ Chuckles ] 262 00:10:20,037 --> 00:10:21,622 Get back in— [ Kisses] 263 00:10:21,705 --> 00:10:24,708 I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do for you? 264 00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:27,836 Oh, no. No, I... 265 00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:29,421 Well... 266 00:10:29,505 --> 00:10:31,505 That's when I realized my kids didn't understand... 267 00:10:31,548 --> 00:10:35,052 The concept of killing with kindness because they'd never seen it. 268 00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:38,222 So, I decided I'd prove it to them... 269 00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:40,933 By going on a hugicidal rampage. 270 00:10:41,016 --> 00:10:44,144 Is that Reuben rockin' the Potter specs? 271 00:10:44,228 --> 00:10:46,104 Quiddiculous! [Laughs] 272 00:10:46,188 --> 00:10:48,666 Hey, listen, buddy, I heard about Luke calling his teacher “mommy.” 273 00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:50,442 Epic fail, by the way. 274 00:10:50,526 --> 00:10:52,446 But, you know, since you're one of the cool kids, 275 00:10:52,528 --> 00:10:54,988 maybe you could get the other ones to ease off a little? 276 00:10:55,072 --> 00:10:57,574 Cool. Air bump. 277 00:10:57,658 --> 00:11:00,410 Hi, Lee. It's Phil Dunphy from down the street. We haven't met. 278 00:11:00,494 --> 00:11:02,388 I was actually calling to leave a message for your wife... 279 00:11:02,412 --> 00:11:05,207 Just to say thanks for hiring my daughter Haley. 280 00:11:05,290 --> 00:11:07,977 Listen, we'd love to have you and the missus over for a glass of wine, 281 00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:10,504 or, uh, maybe you and I could go out for a boys' night. 282 00:11:10,587 --> 00:11:11,773 But anyway, if you could— [Beeps ] 283 00:11:11,797 --> 00:11:13,298 Damn it! Oh. Oh. 284 00:11:13,382 --> 00:11:16,802 Hey, Karen Sullivan. Alex's dad. 285 00:11:16,885 --> 00:11:19,096 Well, look whose teeth got so nice and straight. 286 00:11:21,265 --> 00:11:22,641 Who wants to go first? 287 00:11:22,724 --> 00:11:24,560 [All talking at once ] 288 00:11:24,643 --> 00:11:27,145 Vvhoalvvhoalvvhoa! One at a time! 289 00:11:27,229 --> 00:11:28,897 You called miss Cooper a man! 290 00:11:28,981 --> 00:11:31,066 No, I didn't. I got her husband, Lee, on the machine. 291 00:11:31,149 --> 00:11:33,443 There is no husband! She's Lee! 292 00:11:33,527 --> 00:11:35,696 Weirdly deep-voiced, alcoholic, gay Lee Cooper... 293 00:11:35,779 --> 00:11:37,865 Who you invited out for a glass of wine! 294 00:11:37,948 --> 00:11:39,868 Thanks to your little charm offensive with Karen, 295 00:11:39,908 --> 00:11:42,494 one thing did change about her party— I'm not invited! 296 00:11:42,578 --> 00:11:44,246 “Quiddiculous”? “Epic fail”? 297 00:11:44,329 --> 00:11:46,874 Now the whole school is just laughing at both of us. 298 00:11:46,957 --> 00:11:49,376 [ Cell phone rings ] 299 00:11:49,459 --> 00:11:52,462 [Beeps] Stavros, hey! 300 00:11:53,630 --> 00:11:55,424 [ Angrily ] Why not? 301 00:11:58,343 --> 00:11:59,386 [ Scoffs ] What? 302 00:11:59,469 --> 00:12:03,223 Change of plans. This isn't over. 303 00:12:03,307 --> 00:12:05,475 I want you to wear something beautiful tonight. 304 00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:07,686 So please, choose. 305 00:12:07,811 --> 00:12:10,898 What is this room? This is the closet. 306 00:12:10,981 --> 00:12:14,359 So all the people of the town, they leave their nice clothes with you? 307 00:12:14,443 --> 00:12:16,904 [ Chuckles ] No. These are all my clothes. 308 00:12:16,987 --> 00:12:21,116 But... I do miss the simple things at home. 309 00:12:21,199 --> 00:12:24,578 So tell me, how— how are things in the village? 310 00:12:24,661 --> 00:12:28,373 - We had a flood. - Ay, but it— it wasn't a bad one, right? 311 00:12:28,457 --> 00:12:31,084 - We had a boat. - A y, that's great. 312 00:12:31,168 --> 00:12:33,754 We had a boat. 313 00:12:33,837 --> 00:12:35,881 Are you dating anyone? 314 00:12:35,964 --> 00:12:37,591 You remember Antonio Marquez? 315 00:12:37,674 --> 00:12:39,259 Yes, of course. 316 00:12:39,343 --> 00:12:43,430 The most handsome boy in the school with those beautiful eyes. 317 00:12:43,513 --> 00:12:45,223 His father with the wooden leg... 318 00:12:45,307 --> 00:12:47,142 He lost it in the flood. 319 00:12:48,185 --> 00:12:50,812 So is it serious? 320 00:12:50,896 --> 00:12:53,023 [ Phone chiming ] 321 00:12:54,024 --> 00:12:55,943 Don't look at that. I won't. Trust me. 322 00:12:56,026 --> 00:12:57,611 Please. It's pathetic. 323 00:12:57,694 --> 00:13:00,614 Crispin getting all our friends to text us the details of his great party. 324 00:13:00,656 --> 00:13:02,074 Such torture, huh? 325 00:13:02,157 --> 00:13:05,160 [Laughs] Oh, catering by Amelia's. Ow! 326 00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:06,721 Topless valet Parkers. [Chiming continues] 327 00:13:06,745 --> 00:13:08,330 Sfing. Exacfiy. 328 00:13:08,413 --> 00:13:11,291 No, sting is at the party. Mitchell, I wanna be there. 329 00:13:11,416 --> 00:13:13,877 Cam. No, come on. Who are we kidding? You do too. 330 00:13:13,961 --> 00:13:16,380 [ Lily] Today, ladies! Okay, right there. That. 331 00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:18,924 That is why we are making this sacrifice— for our daughter. 332 00:13:19,007 --> 00:13:21,861 No, yeah, you're right. I mean, I'm the last one who should be complaining... 333 00:13:21,885 --> 00:13:24,513 When, let's face it, Lily's snarkiness is my doing. 334 00:13:24,596 --> 00:13:26,181 Well, what's done is done. 335 00:13:26,264 --> 00:13:28,725 Let's just get ready for church. 336 00:13:28,809 --> 00:13:32,312 Yeah, I mean, it's just hard to not feel guilty, you know, when it's mostly my fault. 337 00:13:32,396 --> 00:13:34,189 I get it. Just don't beat yourself up. 338 00:13:34,272 --> 00:13:36,441 Hey. Pocket square, no pocket square? 339 00:13:36,525 --> 00:13:39,611 Really? You're taking zero of the responsibility, or... 340 00:13:39,695 --> 00:13:42,280 Oh. Were you trying to get me to take the blame? 341 00:13:42,364 --> 00:13:43,949 Yeah. Maybe just a little. Uh-huh. 342 00:13:44,032 --> 00:13:45,872 Oh, and deny you the chance to play the martyr? 343 00:13:45,951 --> 00:13:48,120 Look, cam, if you're looking for me to be the bad guy, 344 00:13:48,203 --> 00:13:50,247 you're snarking up the wrong tree, okay? 345 00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:54,584 You are the one who can't let a single situation pass without making a comment. 346 00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:59,297 Oh, well, maybe I'll just start today. 347 00:13:59,423 --> 00:14:02,300 I think it'll make you feel better. I think I already do. 348 00:14:02,384 --> 00:14:05,595 Right to my face, “I don't like you.” nobody doesn't like me. 349 00:14:05,721 --> 00:14:08,390 I'm Jay. I'm— I'm salt of the earth. [ Inhales] 350 00:14:08,473 --> 00:14:09,975 Why are you inhaling my baby? 351 00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:12,161 Oh, they only smell perfect like this for a little while. 352 00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:14,104 Yeah. That's the stuff. 353 00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:16,273 From day one, I've treated this woman like a queen. 354 00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:18,025 I've fiown her back and forth. 355 00:14:18,108 --> 00:14:19,985 I've— I've tasted her native food. 356 00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:22,863 You know what chin tastes like? 'Cause I do. 357 00:14:22,946 --> 00:14:24,740 And now to find out... 358 00:14:25,449 --> 00:14:26,616 What? I'm listening. 359 00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:28,535 You're rubbing yourself with a baby. 360 00:14:28,618 --> 00:14:30,162 I have seen you French kiss your dog. 361 00:14:30,245 --> 00:14:32,748 She was taking a treat out of my mouth. That's a trick. 362 00:14:32,831 --> 00:14:35,959 I am sure you know what I find funny about this situation. 363 00:14:36,043 --> 00:14:39,379 - What? - You have an in-law who, no matter what you do, 364 00:14:39,463 --> 00:14:42,132 no matter how hard you try, you can't win over. 365 00:14:42,257 --> 00:14:43,550 Vvhataboutfi? [Laughs] 366 00:14:43,633 --> 00:14:47,012 Wait. That doesn't sound familiar? [ Kissing ] 367 00:14:47,095 --> 00:14:49,514 - You're not saying— - Mm-hmm. Yeah, I am. 368 00:14:50,599 --> 00:14:52,934 Son of a bitch. I'm Phil. 369 00:14:56,063 --> 00:14:59,274 Hey, Pilar, it's awfully cold. Here. Why don't you take myjacket? 370 00:14:59,357 --> 00:15:01,068 Sure, yeah. Make me the rude one. 371 00:15:01,151 --> 00:15:04,571 Look, I'm sorry that I pointed out that we're both to blame here, all right? 372 00:15:04,654 --> 00:15:07,365 But let's not turn this lovely event into a competition. 373 00:15:07,491 --> 00:15:10,869 Here you go, sweetie. Oh, you know what? You're right. I shouldn't be picking at you. 374 00:15:10,952 --> 00:15:12,388 But don't forget to light your candle. 375 00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:14,140 I think everyone in the immediate family's doing it. 376 00:15:14,164 --> 00:15:16,500 Oh, yeah? Okay. Good— good idea. 377 00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:18,710 [ Parishioners whispering ] 378 00:15:18,794 --> 00:15:22,422 [I Jay] The hell is that? Some kind of a gay protest thing? 379 00:15:22,506 --> 00:15:24,317 It's a candle, dad. What are you talking about? 380 00:15:24,341 --> 00:15:27,344 - Your purple panty tail. - Oh, no. Oh, come on. 381 00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:29,471 We're in a church, Mitchell, not some disco. 382 00:15:29,554 --> 00:15:31,264 - [ Grunts ] - [ Kids chuckling ] 383 00:15:31,348 --> 00:15:32,808 You did that on purpose! 384 00:15:32,891 --> 00:15:34,810 Oh, this stained glass is beautiful. 385 00:15:34,893 --> 00:15:37,979 Listen, before we dunk the kid, you mind if! Make a few casual remarks? 386 00:15:38,063 --> 00:15:39,564 I think you already did. 387 00:15:39,648 --> 00:15:43,610 Claire asked me a good question. How did Phil win me over? 388 00:15:43,693 --> 00:15:45,403 Well, he hasn't yet. 389 00:15:45,487 --> 00:15:47,447 But when he stops trying so hard... 390 00:15:47,531 --> 00:15:49,866 And he acts like a real person, he comes close. 391 00:15:49,950 --> 00:15:52,327 And that's what I needed to do with Pilar. 392 00:15:52,410 --> 00:15:56,248 I'd like to tell you the story of how I came to meet my incredible wife, 393 00:15:56,331 --> 00:15:59,918 because up until the birth of this child, it's the best thing that ever happened to me. 394 00:16:00,001 --> 00:16:01,419 Mmm, well, that feels good, huh? 395 00:16:01,503 --> 00:16:03,421 So it's morning. My car's getting waxed. 396 00:16:03,505 --> 00:16:06,341 I hop in the diner. I hear this adorable accent. 397 00:16:06,424 --> 00:16:10,220 I turn. I see this pretty girl talking to her friend. I send over a piece of pie. 398 00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:11,805 - All class. - Mm-hmm. 399 00:16:11,888 --> 00:16:16,476 Couple of minutes later, who comes over to thank me but Gloria, 400 00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:18,520 the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. 401 00:16:18,603 --> 00:16:19,896 Amen. 402 00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:21,273 She sits down, we start talking, 403 00:16:21,356 --> 00:16:22,708 and we haven't stopped talking since. 404 00:16:22,732 --> 00:16:25,652 [ Claire ] Aw. But here's the crazy part. 405 00:16:25,735 --> 00:16:29,030 I didn't send the pie to Gloria. Her back was to me. 406 00:16:29,114 --> 00:16:31,992 I sent it to her friend, who went to the bathroom and missed it. 407 00:16:32,075 --> 00:16:35,537 And that person is here today, Gloria's sister Sonia. 408 00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:39,958 [ Laughs] Isn't it funny how a simple twist of fate can change the whole... 409 00:16:40,083 --> 00:16:42,669 You stole my life! No, Sonia! 410 00:16:42,794 --> 00:16:44,355 [All shouting 1 wait, wait, wait. Hold it, hold it. 411 00:16:44,379 --> 00:16:47,716 - I got Sonia! I got Sonia! - [Shouting continues] 412 00:16:47,799 --> 00:16:52,304 No more. I want my own life, my own bed, my own e-mail account! 413 00:16:52,387 --> 00:16:54,222 Yeah, and leave your poor old mother alone. 414 00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:57,851 Don't worry, mama. You can come and live with us. Whoa. Pump the brakes here. 415 00:16:57,934 --> 00:16:59,561 Why? You have a problem with my mother? 416 00:16:59,644 --> 00:17:01,438 No. Your mother has a problem with me. 417 00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:04,792 - You think she's helpless. Ask her what's in that box. - Isn't that the family gun? 418 00:17:04,816 --> 00:17:08,987 Jay, if anything should happen to Gloria, I am there for you. 419 00:17:09,070 --> 00:17:11,072 What, Sonia? What's going to happen to me? 420 00:17:11,156 --> 00:17:14,701 You might go for a walk in your closet one day and never come back! 421 00:17:14,784 --> 00:17:17,495 [Arguing in Spanish ] 422 00:17:17,579 --> 00:17:19,748 You see what you're missing? Huh? 423 00:17:21,958 --> 00:17:23,460 Where is Luke? 424 00:17:23,585 --> 00:17:26,379 I think he's the one standing next to Matthew. Phil. 425 00:17:26,463 --> 00:17:28,900 He was feeling a little under the weather. I let him stay home. 426 00:17:28,924 --> 00:17:30,651 Or is he just too embarrassed to leave the house? 427 00:17:30,675 --> 00:17:33,678 Why would he be embarrassed? Because dad tried to fix all our problems... 428 00:17:33,762 --> 00:17:35,472 And instead ruined all our lives. 429 00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:37,057 Nightmare. 430 00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:41,102 You girls are so dramatic. Do I need to call you a wahmbulance? 431 00:17:41,186 --> 00:17:43,438 [ Imitating siren ] Wah-wah, wah-wah. 432 00:17:43,521 --> 00:17:45,357 [Claire chuckles] 433 00:17:45,482 --> 00:17:46,983 Did you hear that? Yes. 434 00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:48,878 Claire's been driving Lily to dance class all week. 435 00:17:48,902 --> 00:17:50,102 That's where she gets it from. 436 00:17:50,153 --> 00:17:51,863 We're not bad parents. Claire is. Huh. 437 00:17:51,947 --> 00:17:55,408 Oh! I said I wasn't gonna cry, but, oh, boy, here it comes. 438 00:17:57,452 --> 00:18:00,163 No, no, cam. Not with those. 439 00:18:00,330 --> 00:18:03,083 [Arguing continues] Okay! That's it! 440 00:18:03,166 --> 00:18:05,460 We're in a house of god, damn it. 441 00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:08,505 Fine. Everyone just abandon me. 442 00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:11,174 Pilar, all due respect, no one's buying the martyr act. 443 00:18:11,258 --> 00:18:12,926 Not even this guy. 444 00:18:13,009 --> 00:18:15,154 You ask me, you've been keeping this one under your thumb... 445 00:18:15,178 --> 00:18:16,989 'Cause you're afraid of going on with your life. 446 00:18:17,013 --> 00:18:20,976 But you're an attractive woman with a lot to offer. This could be an opportunity. 447 00:18:21,059 --> 00:18:23,687 Hell, I don't even think I knew what happiness was till I was 60. 448 00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:25,313 And the hits just keep coming. Okay. 449 00:18:25,397 --> 00:18:28,858 Sonia, we're gonna help you get your own place, have some independence. 450 00:18:28,942 --> 00:18:32,279 And if you ever get lonely, you come visit us as much as you want... 451 00:18:32,362 --> 00:18:34,155 Within reason. 452 00:18:34,281 --> 00:18:36,574 And we'll send this one down to visit you. What? 453 00:18:36,658 --> 00:18:39,411 But he's not gonna become a priest, 'cause he likes girls. 454 00:18:39,494 --> 00:18:41,162 Can't get 'em, but he likes 'em. 455 00:18:41,246 --> 00:18:43,957 So, everybody think about it. 456 00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:47,419 But not for too long. There's a a.A. Meeting here at 6:00. 457 00:18:48,420 --> 00:18:50,297 Sonia, please, let us do this for you. 458 00:18:50,380 --> 00:18:53,967 I really want you to be happy. Can you forgive me? 459 00:18:54,092 --> 00:18:56,720 It will take some time. As much as you need. 460 00:18:56,845 --> 00:18:59,472 And some dresses. As many as you want. 461 00:18:59,556 --> 00:19:00,724 And some shoes. 462 00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:03,226 You're angry now. 463 00:19:03,310 --> 00:19:05,812 N [ Organ ] whatever happened with the kids, 464 00:19:05,895 --> 00:19:07,647 I don't want you to feel bad about it. 465 00:19:07,731 --> 00:19:09,983 I don't. 466 00:19:10,066 --> 00:19:14,237 [ Priest] I now invite the godfather and the godmother to join us. 467 00:19:14,321 --> 00:19:16,948 Don't worry. I will take care of everything tomorrow. 468 00:19:17,032 --> 00:19:19,909 That may not be necessary, my wife. 469 00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:23,038 Phil and Claire, as godparents, 470 00:19:23,121 --> 00:19:26,124 are you ready to help the parents of this child in their duties? 471 00:19:26,207 --> 00:19:28,001 [ Together] We are. 472 00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:30,670 Do you renounce Satan? 473 00:19:30,754 --> 00:19:32,756 Jj [ Organ continues] 474 00:19:35,091 --> 00:19:37,469 [ Together] I do renounce him. 475 00:19:42,557 --> 00:19:43,808 And all his works? 476 00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:47,437 Jj [ Organ continues] [Window opens ] 477 00:19:48,730 --> 00:19:50,315 I do renounce them. 478 00:19:50,398 --> 00:19:52,233 [Air gun firing ] 479 00:19:52,317 --> 00:19:53,401 [Tires squealing ] 480 00:19:53,485 --> 00:19:56,738 Hey! Hey! 481 00:20:01,242 --> 00:20:03,244 And all his empty promises? 482 00:20:03,328 --> 00:20:04,829 [ Chattering ] 483 00:20:06,331 --> 00:20:08,083 [Squeaking ] 484 00:20:08,208 --> 00:20:11,086 [ Gasps ] Oh, my god! [All screaming ] 485 00:20:11,169 --> 00:20:13,505 I do renounce them. 486 00:20:13,588 --> 00:20:15,382 [Screaming continues] 487 00:20:15,465 --> 00:20:19,052 Godfather, is it your wish that this child be baptized? 488 00:20:19,135 --> 00:20:20,637 It is. 489 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:23,723 Jj [ Organ continues] 490 00:20:29,479 --> 00:20:33,650 [Screaming ] 491 00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:36,069 [Screaming echoes] 492 00:20:36,152 --> 00:20:39,906 In the name of the father and the son and the holy spirit. 493 00:20:39,989 --> 00:20:41,866 What name have you given the child? 494 00:20:41,991 --> 00:20:45,912 Fulgencio Joseph pritchett. [ Sighs ] 495 00:20:45,995 --> 00:20:48,623 May god be with you all. 496 00:20:48,706 --> 00:20:50,166 Thank you, Jay. 497 00:20:50,291 --> 00:20:52,836 We're never gonna call him that. [ Chuckles ] 498 00:20:58,174 --> 00:21:01,261 So I heard that somebody released a bunch of rats... 499 00:21:01,344 --> 00:21:03,596 Into Karen Sullivan's party the other night. 500 00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:08,226 And Lee Cooper's camper just rolled into her lemon tree. 501 00:21:08,309 --> 00:21:09,995 Luke isn't having any problem at school anymore... 502 00:21:10,019 --> 00:21:12,605 Because Reuben admitted he made the whole thing up. 503 00:21:12,689 --> 00:21:13,898 Isn't that crazy, 504 00:21:13,982 --> 00:21:15,822 how all of our kids' problems just disappeared? 505 00:21:16,776 --> 00:21:18,903 Don't ever ask me about my business, Claire. 506 00:21:18,987 --> 00:21:20,613 What are you talking about? 507 00:21:20,738 --> 00:21:23,783 Don't ask me about my business. I wasn't. 508 00:21:23,867 --> 00:21:27,036 Good. Don't.