1 00:00:03,254 --> 00:00:05,131 We're gonna change that one. [ Door opens ] 2 00:00:05,214 --> 00:00:07,425 [ Cameron ] I'm back! [ Door closes ] 3 00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:10,511 [ Singsong ] Okay, let me see, let me see, let me see. 4 00:00:10,595 --> 00:00:12,680 You guys are gonna want to, um... 5 00:00:12,763 --> 00:00:16,225 Oh, my god! [ High-pitched ] I love it! 6 00:00:16,309 --> 00:00:17,727 All clear. 7 00:00:18,936 --> 00:00:20,771 - Okay, so— - [Cameron shrieking ] Oh! Oh! 8 00:00:20,855 --> 00:00:23,399 [ Normal voice ] It's so good. It is so good. 9 00:00:23,482 --> 00:00:25,085 [ Shrieks ] Oh! [ Claire ] For the last few months, 10 00:00:25,109 --> 00:00:27,945 cam and I have been redoing a house together that we're gonna flip, 11 00:00:28,029 --> 00:00:29,989 and I have to say, it has been goin' great. 12 00:00:30,072 --> 00:00:31,949 We make an amazing team. 13 00:00:32,074 --> 00:00:34,160 Yeah. The key is trust. Absolutely. 14 00:00:34,243 --> 00:00:35,243 The key is, 15 00:00:35,286 --> 00:00:37,538 I let Claire think she's in charge. 16 00:00:37,622 --> 00:00:38,831 I hide what I want... 17 00:00:38,915 --> 00:00:40,833 In something bigger and more expensive. 18 00:00:40,917 --> 00:00:42,293 Then when she rejects that, 19 00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:45,671 we “compromise” on what I wanted all along. 20 00:00:45,755 --> 00:00:47,465 I call my method “the trojan horse.” 21 00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:50,218 You know how I got Lily? I asked Mitchell for triplets. 22 00:00:50,301 --> 00:00:51,385 Okay. Uh-huh? 23 00:00:51,469 --> 00:00:52,511 You are going to love... 24 00:00:52,637 --> 00:00:55,598 What I found for the kitchen countertops. Mmm. 25 00:00:56,474 --> 00:00:58,184 It's from carrara, Italy. Oh! 26 00:00:58,309 --> 00:01:01,687 It's where Michelangelo got the marble to make the David. Oh. 27 00:01:01,771 --> 00:01:04,732 Now we know why the David couldn't afford any clothes. 28 00:01:04,815 --> 00:01:06,567 Okay, well, uh— [ Sighs ] 29 00:01:06,651 --> 00:01:08,694 I also found this one. 30 00:01:08,778 --> 00:01:11,572 It's not as nice, but it's less expensive. 31 00:01:11,656 --> 00:01:14,992 Well, it's still over budget, but... I guess it's okay. 32 00:01:15,117 --> 00:01:16,869 Mnnn. [Chuches] Yeah. 33 00:01:16,994 --> 00:01:19,640 By the way, we couldn't get the powder room fixtures you wanted. What? Why? 34 00:01:19,664 --> 00:01:23,834 Well, they're 23%, or $982, over the budget. 35 00:01:23,918 --> 00:01:27,880 Keeping in mind, that space is only 12% of 1,462 square feet. 36 00:01:27,964 --> 00:01:29,882 Whenever I need to rein in cam's spending, 37 00:01:29,966 --> 00:01:31,384 I employ something... 38 00:01:31,467 --> 00:01:33,552 That I like to call “the number dump.” 39 00:01:33,636 --> 00:01:37,223 So... unless you wanna cut 16%, 40 00:01:37,306 --> 00:01:40,768 or $1,764, from somewhere in the flooring budget, 41 00:01:40,851 --> 00:01:42,520 we've gotta find another 4% from... 42 00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:45,273 Yeah. As long as they're pretty, it's fine. It's fine. 43 00:01:45,356 --> 00:01:48,025 Yesterday, I accidentally said “eleventy-five.” 44 00:01:48,818 --> 00:01:50,653 , p hey, heyy 45 00:01:50,736 --> 00:01:52,780 y hey, heyy 46 00:01:52,863 --> 00:01:54,865 y hey, heyy 47 00:01:54,949 --> 00:01:56,826 y hey, heyy 48 00:01:56,909 --> 00:01:58,077 j hey jv 49 00:02:00,705 --> 00:02:04,417 so everybody knows how hard I worked on that project. I mean... 50 00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:06,502 - Whoa! - [ Groans, sighs] 51 00:02:08,671 --> 00:02:11,692 - Hey, wait. What are you doing? - Trying to put the sugar back in the thing. 52 00:02:11,716 --> 00:02:13,968 Well, just go get the broom. I'll eat it for a dollar. 53 00:02:14,051 --> 00:02:15,654 What did I say about eating things for money? 54 00:02:15,678 --> 00:02:17,531 Charge the most. Then people will think you're worth it. 55 00:02:17,555 --> 00:02:19,056 That's right. That's at least five. 56 00:02:19,140 --> 00:02:21,100 - Hey, he said a dollar. - Broom. 57 00:02:21,183 --> 00:02:23,644 Hey, dad, I can't find my scarf, 58 00:02:23,728 --> 00:02:25,187 and the closet light's burnt out. 59 00:02:25,271 --> 00:02:26,856 - So just change it. - I can't reach it. 60 00:02:26,939 --> 00:02:29,150 Oh, if only there were some magical way... 61 00:02:29,233 --> 00:02:31,360 Of getting up closer to the ceiling. 62 00:02:31,444 --> 00:02:33,362 Okay, now you just sound like Dylan. 63 00:02:33,446 --> 00:02:35,340 - I'm saying get a stepstool. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. 64 00:02:35,364 --> 00:02:37,366 One thing at a time, okay? 65 00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:39,660 What is happening? I'm sweeping. 66 00:02:39,744 --> 00:02:42,139 No, you're not sweeping. You're just spreading it all around. 67 00:02:42,163 --> 00:02:44,206 It's gonna cost more if you want me to eat it now. 68 00:02:44,290 --> 00:02:46,083 [ Phi/j that's when it hit me. 69 00:02:46,167 --> 00:02:48,878 My daughters know nothing about home care and maintenance. 70 00:02:48,961 --> 00:02:50,588 I don't want 'em to be dependent. 71 00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:52,590 It's up to me to show them what a modern, 72 00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:55,009 self-sufficient woman looks like. 73 00:02:55,092 --> 00:02:56,844 4 que fiene, mi mufiequ/io? 74 00:02:56,927 --> 00:02:59,239 Que la I/irgen me lo acompafie y que /os angel/103 me lo cu/o'en... 75 00:02:59,263 --> 00:03:02,558 Careful. Keep that up, he'll have to hit numero dos when he calls the d.M.V. 76 00:03:02,641 --> 00:03:04,041 By the time he's old enough to call, 77 00:03:04,101 --> 00:03:05,978 it will be numero uno. 78 00:03:06,103 --> 00:03:07,897 [ Door opens ] A y, there he is. 79 00:03:07,980 --> 00:03:10,149 Manny, why did you have breakfast alone outside? 80 00:03:10,232 --> 00:03:12,568 I felt like eating breakfast alfresco. 81 00:03:12,651 --> 00:03:15,088 Does that mean he had his pants off? Because if I can't, he can't. 82 00:03:15,112 --> 00:03:18,866 Jay, he's been eating outside on his own all week. 83 00:03:18,949 --> 00:03:20,701 Do you think that he feels left out... 84 00:03:20,785 --> 00:03:22,787 Because of all the attention I give Joe? 85 00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,830 I've been wondering the same thing. Tell you what. 86 00:03:24,872 --> 00:03:26,433 Why don't I have some father-son time... 87 00:03:26,457 --> 00:03:27,958 With Joe this afternoon... 88 00:03:28,042 --> 00:03:29,585 And give you some time with Manny? 89 00:03:29,668 --> 00:03:31,170 A y, that's so sweet. 90 00:03:31,253 --> 00:03:33,172 You can take Joe to his baby class. 91 00:03:33,255 --> 00:03:34,895 I think he already knows how to be a baby. 92 00:03:34,965 --> 00:03:37,802 I love you, but I can't laugh at that again! 93 00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:41,097 Manny, how about I pick you up after school, 94 00:03:41,180 --> 00:03:42,932 and we both have a special day? 95 00:03:43,015 --> 00:03:46,185 Well, I did talk to Jay about getting some tickets for this reading. 96 00:03:46,310 --> 00:03:49,230 - What reading? - Seriously? The stage reading of Moby-d/'ok? 97 00:03:49,313 --> 00:03:50,815 I told you about it last night. 98 00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:53,692 I have zero recollection of this. 99 00:03:53,776 --> 00:03:55,670 I knew I shouldn't have poured you that second scotch. 100 00:03:55,694 --> 00:03:57,631 Sorry, buddy, but I already committed to spending the afternoon with Joe... 101 00:03:57,655 --> 00:03:59,299 So you and your mom could have more time together. 102 00:03:59,323 --> 00:04:00,908 Hey, maybe she can take you. 103 00:04:00,991 --> 00:04:02,493 - Can you, mom? - Of course, mi amor. 104 00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:04,954 It's your special day. We'll do whatever you want. 105 00:04:05,037 --> 00:04:07,331 Great. This is gonna be four hours you'll never forget. 106 00:04:07,415 --> 00:04:08,582 [ I Jay ] Hey, buddy. 107 00:04:08,666 --> 00:04:10,501 Looks like it's just the dos of us. 108 00:04:10,626 --> 00:04:12,545 I [coos] [ Aughs] 109 00:04:12,670 --> 00:04:15,840 Why do I feel that you did something shifty? I have no idea. 110 00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:17,758 But I gotta say, it's not your best quality. 111 00:04:17,883 --> 00:04:21,303 [ Children chattering ] All right, sweetie, you have a good day. 112 00:04:21,429 --> 00:04:24,265 Watch me play handball, daddy. Oh, okay. 113 00:04:24,348 --> 00:04:25,391 I boy 1 next! 114 00:04:25,474 --> 00:04:29,019 That's Milo. He beats everybody. 115 00:04:29,103 --> 00:04:31,147 Next loser! 116 00:04:31,230 --> 00:04:33,524 He's mean. Yeah, I'm gettin' that. 117 00:04:35,359 --> 00:04:38,446 Next! 118 00:04:38,529 --> 00:04:41,157 - Another girl? - Hey, sweetie? Sweetie? 119 00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:42,992 You're gonna do great, okay? 120 00:04:43,075 --> 00:04:46,078 If you say so. Next! 121 00:04:46,162 --> 00:04:48,330 Uh, Milo? That— that was my fault. I distracted her. 122 00:04:48,414 --> 00:04:49,915 So maybe she could just go again? 123 00:04:49,999 --> 00:04:51,542 No do-overs. Next! 124 00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:54,420 Well, I'm next, and I would like to give her my turn. 125 00:04:54,503 --> 00:04:56,714 No switcheroos. Are you playing or not? 126 00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:59,467 - No. - Chicken. Next. 127 00:04:59,550 --> 00:05:01,969 I hate bullies. I've hated them my whole life. 128 00:05:02,052 --> 00:05:04,013 I hated them when they were named Scott dworkin... 129 00:05:04,096 --> 00:05:07,266 Or Greg pachenko or Katie greenwald. 130 00:05:08,767 --> 00:05:10,769 Okay, you know what? I'm gonna play. 131 00:05:10,853 --> 00:05:13,647 - But, daddy, he's really good. - Well, I'm really good too. 132 00:05:13,731 --> 00:05:15,357 - But it's a sport. - I got this. 133 00:05:15,483 --> 00:05:18,277 You done talking? It's really appropriate that we're at a school, 134 00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:20,404 because I'm about to teach you a lesson. 135 00:05:23,866 --> 00:05:25,159 Next! 136 00:05:25,242 --> 00:05:26,744 All right. Sorry, sweetheart. 137 00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:28,329 Here, I'll walk you to class. 138 00:05:28,454 --> 00:05:31,415 No, thank you, mister. But... 139 00:05:34,460 --> 00:05:37,546 Mm-hmm. What ya doin'? 140 00:05:39,173 --> 00:05:41,091 I think I have an idea. 141 00:05:45,304 --> 00:05:48,432 Okay. Every house needs a wow factor, right? 142 00:05:48,557 --> 00:05:51,477 Hmm. What is the one thing this backyard is missing? 143 00:05:51,602 --> 00:05:53,687 A qualified buyer. Okay, don't be silly. 144 00:05:53,771 --> 00:05:56,815 No. A water feature with a fire element. 145 00:05:56,941 --> 00:05:59,777 Oh, god, no. No, no, please. Now just imagine... 146 00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:03,280 This entire back wall cascading into a reservoir... 147 00:06:03,364 --> 00:06:05,699 That erupts into flames on the quarter hour. 148 00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:09,036 How does that sound? Like we need a white tiger. 149 00:06:09,119 --> 00:06:10,746 Maybe I'm being a little ambitious. 150 00:06:10,829 --> 00:06:13,141 So let's just do a couple dancing water fountains, call it a day. 151 00:06:13,165 --> 00:06:15,918 No, wait. Cam, cam, cam. That's gonna still put us, like, 152 00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:17,711 $3,500 over our landscape budget. 153 00:06:17,795 --> 00:06:20,398 Right now, we're forty-twelve percent higher than I thought we'd be at this point, 154 00:06:20,422 --> 00:06:22,007 because smitty added that 8% surcharge. 155 00:06:22,091 --> 00:06:23,902 I'm sorry. Did you just say forty-twelve percent? 156 00:06:23,926 --> 00:06:26,470 Mmm, no, I didn't. Yes, you did. You do this all the time. 157 00:06:26,554 --> 00:06:29,181 You just throw numbers at me to frighten and confuse me. 158 00:06:29,306 --> 00:06:33,269 And here I thought we were working so well together, and you're just being manipulative. 159 00:06:33,352 --> 00:06:36,105 What about you, cam? Pitching these crazy, over-the-top ideas... 160 00:06:36,188 --> 00:06:38,315 Just so you can slip in what you really want. 161 00:06:38,399 --> 00:06:41,277 Oh, how dare you accuse me of trojan-horsing you? 162 00:06:41,402 --> 00:06:43,988 You have a name for it? No. I mean... 163 00:06:44,113 --> 00:06:47,449 You know what? I will not stand here and be accused by the likes of you. 164 00:06:47,533 --> 00:06:50,053 And if there was a door here, missy, I would slam it in your face. 165 00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:53,831 Oh-ho! I thought we weren't fiaming till the quarter hour! 166 00:06:57,001 --> 00:06:58,752 Gloria and Manny left me alone with Joe, 167 00:06:58,836 --> 00:07:01,088 and it was great... For about 20 minutes. 168 00:07:01,213 --> 00:07:03,882 [Crying ] Then the little bugger turned on me. 169 00:07:03,966 --> 00:07:07,469 I trieo' eve/ything to calm him down— Bouncing. Bottle. 170 00:07:07,553 --> 00:07:11,265 Brightly colored objects. Bigger bottle. 171 00:07:11,348 --> 00:07:13,267 So I did the old “put him in the car” trick. 172 00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:15,370 But I could still hear him out there. I'm just kidding. 173 00:07:15,394 --> 00:07:17,313 /dro ve him to his little class, 174 00:07:17,396 --> 00:07:19,607 but he dozed oi'ir right before we got there. 175 00:07:19,690 --> 00:07:21,859 Or he took a page from the Jay pritchett playbook... 176 00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:26,322 Saw the crap he was in for and pretended to be asleep. 177 00:07:26,447 --> 00:07:28,115 Mr. Pritchett? Yeah. 178 00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:31,243 Rachel lissy. Claire's friend from high school. Remember? 179 00:07:31,327 --> 00:07:34,413 How could I forget? You knocked down my mailbox with your k-car. 180 00:07:34,538 --> 00:07:36,248 Again, I apologize. [Laughs] 181 00:07:36,373 --> 00:07:38,167 How you doin'? Couldn't be better. 182 00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:41,170 I've been married for 15 years. Two great boys over there. 183 00:07:41,253 --> 00:07:45,174 Cooper! Unhand your brother! 184 00:07:45,257 --> 00:07:48,135 [ Exhales] I'm taking them to the James Bond movie, 185 00:07:48,218 --> 00:07:51,055 and they don't want me to sit with them. 186 00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:53,349 [ Chuckles ] I miss babies. 187 00:07:53,432 --> 00:07:54,642 Oh, they're a lot of fun, huh? 188 00:07:54,767 --> 00:07:56,727 So nice to see you. Nice seeing you. 189 00:07:57,645 --> 00:07:59,146 Great kids. 190 00:07:59,229 --> 00:08:03,734 [ Rachel ] Ugh! No, you're not! [ Kids shouting ] 191 00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:05,903 Joe, I found a better way for us to bond. 192 00:08:07,488 --> 00:08:09,573 James Bond. 193 00:08:09,657 --> 00:08:12,576 [ Blows ] My dad taught me everything there is to know... 194 00:08:12,660 --> 00:08:14,161 About maintaining a home, 195 00:08:14,244 --> 00:08:16,455 and today that tradition continues. 196 00:08:16,538 --> 00:08:18,874 Voila! Lightbulb changed. 197 00:08:18,957 --> 00:08:22,503 Hey, I have an idea. 198 00:08:22,586 --> 00:08:24,129 Let's get to know the house, huh? 199 00:08:24,213 --> 00:08:27,007 [Whispers] Hey, I have an idea. Let's lock him in. 200 00:08:27,091 --> 00:08:31,053 Okay. Let's start with this baby right here. What are we lookin' at, huh? 201 00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:33,097 Photosynthesis. 202 00:08:35,474 --> 00:08:37,351 In a sense, yeah. 203 00:08:37,434 --> 00:08:38,477 Yeah? Yeah, yeah. 204 00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:40,896 Uh, photosynthesis converts carbon dioxide... 205 00:08:40,979 --> 00:08:42,481 Into food for plants. 206 00:08:42,564 --> 00:08:46,527 This water heater converts cold water into hot. 207 00:08:46,610 --> 00:08:48,612 What converts this conversation into over? 208 00:08:48,696 --> 00:08:50,197 Girls, you need to learn these things. 209 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:52,360 You might find yourselves living alone at some point. 210 00:08:54,618 --> 00:08:56,120 I long for the day. 211 00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:58,515 Okay, we're just gonna start with something really basic. All right? 212 00:08:58,539 --> 00:09:00,666 I am turning the pilot light off. 213 00:09:00,749 --> 00:09:02,251 These things go out occasionally. 214 00:09:02,334 --> 00:09:04,086 - Why? - I don't know. No one knows. 215 00:09:04,169 --> 00:09:05,671 Let's just say gremlins do it. 216 00:09:05,754 --> 00:09:07,756 But if it happens to you, what do you do? 217 00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:09,341 - Call a guy. - Or a girl. 218 00:09:09,425 --> 00:09:11,861 Oh, my god, we're literally in a closet, and you just said that. 219 00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:13,512 Focus. You don't call anyone. 220 00:09:13,595 --> 00:09:16,598 To relight the pilot, turn the valve to “pilot,” 221 00:09:16,682 --> 00:09:20,978 you press it down to begin the flow of gas, wait a few seconds... 222 00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:23,981 Where you guys from originally? [Laughs] 223 00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:26,942 And you just press the igniter. There you go. 224 00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:29,653 [ Clicking ] That's odd. Why isn't that working? 225 00:09:29,737 --> 00:09:33,532 Oh, I got it. Why don't we just fill it up with hot water from the tap? 226 00:09:33,657 --> 00:09:36,744 [ Chuckles ] Found another light that's out. 227 00:09:36,827 --> 00:09:39,663 Claire and I were at a stalemate on the water feature. 228 00:09:39,747 --> 00:09:44,418 So I brought in an experienced professional to help break the tie. 229 00:09:44,501 --> 00:09:46,420 Pam also happens to be a friend .. 230 00:09:46,503 --> 00:09:48,922 And a fellow gay parent at Lily's school. 231 00:09:49,006 --> 00:09:52,259 Am I trying to stack the deck against Claire here? 232 00:09:52,342 --> 00:09:55,512 No. I would never be so... 233 00:09:55,596 --> 00:09:57,890 Genius. 234 00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,519 - Hi. - Oh. Oh, Claire, this is Pam. 235 00:10:02,603 --> 00:10:03,603 Pam, Claire. Hey. 236 00:10:03,687 --> 00:10:05,272 Oh, hi nice to meet you. You too. 237 00:10:05,355 --> 00:10:06,774 Pam is a licensed contractor. 238 00:10:06,899 --> 00:10:08,400 Done a lot ofhouses. Uh-huh? 239 00:10:08,484 --> 00:10:10,962 I thought it'd be nice to bring in a third party that's objective... 240 00:10:10,986 --> 00:10:12,446 To help settle the fountain dispute. 241 00:10:12,529 --> 00:10:14,948 Oh. Objective. Right. 242 00:10:15,032 --> 00:10:16,825 Well, my son does go to school with Lily, 243 00:10:16,909 --> 00:10:18,887 but believe me, that is not gonna sway my decision... 244 00:10:18,911 --> 00:10:21,914 Any more than the fact that you are beautiful. 245 00:10:21,997 --> 00:10:23,665 Thank you. You are too. 246 00:10:23,749 --> 00:10:26,043 Thank you. Let me grab your cans. 247 00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:29,004 Your paint cans. There you go. 248 00:10:31,048 --> 00:10:34,384 [ Tires squealing, engine accelerating ] [ Machine gun fire ] 249 00:10:35,427 --> 00:10:37,346 [Joe crying ] 250 00:10:37,429 --> 00:10:38,989 [Whispers ] Hey, what's the matter, Joe? 251 00:10:39,056 --> 00:10:42,768 Hey, that's a boy. That's a boy. 252 00:10:42,851 --> 00:10:45,604 Come on. Come here. There you go. 253 00:10:45,687 --> 00:10:48,190 There you are. There you go. There you go. 254 00:10:48,273 --> 00:10:49,942 [Crying continues] 255 00:10:50,025 --> 00:10:52,337 You know, I'm happy to take him outside until he stops crying. 256 00:10:52,361 --> 00:10:54,047 No, I wouldn't want you to miss this. It's fine. 257 00:10:54,071 --> 00:10:57,115 Once Daniel Craig put his shirt back on, I lost interest. Are you sure? 258 00:10:57,199 --> 00:10:58,617 Okay. Absolutely. 259 00:10:58,742 --> 00:11:00,869 Okay. Here. Just go ahead. That-a-boy. 260 00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:03,789 That-a-boy. Thank you very much. I'll be right outside. 261 00:11:03,872 --> 00:11:05,332 Okay. I boy I shh! 262 00:11:05,415 --> 00:11:06,917 You shush, Nathan! 263 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,628 [ Clattering ] 264 00:11:09,711 --> 00:11:11,129 Stupid thing! 265 00:11:11,255 --> 00:11:13,855 Dad, we've been standing here forever. Can't we just call the guy? 266 00:11:13,924 --> 00:11:15,717 No. There is no guy. I'm the guy. 267 00:11:15,801 --> 00:11:19,721 Here's what I need you to do. Run to the hardware store, get me a t6 torx screwdriver. 268 00:11:19,847 --> 00:11:21,306 What? Just ask the guy. 269 00:11:21,431 --> 00:11:23,475 I thought there was no guy. There is one there! 270 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:24,726 Comdbeagfil yeah? 271 00:11:24,810 --> 00:11:26,562 Just go! 272 00:11:26,645 --> 00:11:28,564 I didn't need a torx screwdriver. 273 00:11:28,647 --> 00:11:30,691 I've always wanted one though. 274 00:11:30,774 --> 00:11:33,861 But I needed them out of the house, so I could... 275 00:11:33,944 --> 00:11:35,445 Call a guy. 276 00:11:35,529 --> 00:11:37,698 Dad, help me. 277 00:11:37,781 --> 00:11:39,366 Are we gonna do that thing again... 278 00:11:39,449 --> 00:11:42,494 Where you try on different outfits like in pretty woman? 279 00:11:45,581 --> 00:11:47,207 Saw you sinkin' some j's back there, huh? 280 00:11:47,291 --> 00:11:49,626 Box-and-one. Cover two. 281 00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:52,754 Sh-Shaq-a-hack? Am I right? Not even close. 282 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:54,798 What's up? Well, word has it... 283 00:11:54,882 --> 00:11:57,068 That you were a pretty good handball player back in the day. 284 00:11:57,092 --> 00:12:00,137 Yeah. And Neil Armstrong was a pretty good trumpet player. 285 00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:03,116 I see you spent a lot more time on the court than you did in the classroom, 286 00:12:03,140 --> 00:12:04,659 so clearly I've come to the right place. 287 00:12:04,683 --> 00:12:06,244 I need you to teach me everything you know. 288 00:12:06,268 --> 00:12:07,895 How come it's so important? 289 00:12:07,978 --> 00:12:11,231 There's this kid, and he's been kind of bullying Lily and all of her friends. 290 00:12:11,315 --> 00:12:14,943 And I tried to teach him. I tried to put him in his place on the handball court. 291 00:12:15,027 --> 00:12:16,570 And I lost. 292 00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:18,947 And I-I could just see the disappointment in Lily's eyes. 293 00:12:19,031 --> 00:12:20,657 Like there's any emotion in those eyes. 294 00:12:20,741 --> 00:12:22,784 Are you gonna help me or not? 295 00:12:22,868 --> 00:12:23,911 Okay. Yes! 296 00:12:23,994 --> 00:12:26,622 But I need you to give it 105%. 297 00:12:26,747 --> 00:12:30,125 Ah, no. It's 110%, buddy. That's impossible. 298 00:12:30,208 --> 00:12:32,836 Yes. I think the fountain's a little pricey. 299 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:35,023 But you know what? It's gonna more than make up for itself... 300 00:12:35,047 --> 00:12:38,675 When a family comes in here and falls head over heels in love with this home. 301 00:12:38,759 --> 00:12:41,511 Okay, that's a valid point. It is a bit of an empty space out there. 302 00:12:41,637 --> 00:12:43,972 Thank you. Well, I mean, I see what you're saying. 303 00:12:44,056 --> 00:12:45,766 Sorry. It's hot in here, right? 304 00:12:45,849 --> 00:12:50,562 Well, that happens to women of a certain age, like with my mom. 305 00:12:50,646 --> 00:12:52,940 Are you kidding? What are you, like, 35? 306 00:12:53,023 --> 00:12:55,275 What are you, like, an angel sent from heaven? 307 00:12:55,359 --> 00:12:57,778 [ Sighs ] I see what you're saying. 308 00:12:57,861 --> 00:13:00,530 I just feel that we might be pricing ourselves out of the market. 309 00:13:00,614 --> 00:13:02,658 If a family wants to come in here... 310 00:13:02,741 --> 00:13:06,995 And build themselves a fountain, they can do so themselves. 311 00:13:07,079 --> 00:13:08,664 That's true. 312 00:13:08,747 --> 00:13:10,582 Um, okay, well, you know, Pam, 313 00:13:10,707 --> 00:13:14,461 mm-hmm. Um, there are lots of families like... ours... 314 00:13:14,544 --> 00:13:17,047 Moving to this neighborhood for the schools. 315 00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:20,300 P.s. Saw Connor's art project. Gorgeous. 316 00:13:20,384 --> 00:13:23,720 Talent runs in the family. [Laughs] 317 00:13:23,804 --> 00:13:27,224 Anyway, I'm just saying I think a family would respond... 318 00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:30,352 To having a little drama in the backyard. 319 00:13:30,435 --> 00:13:34,106 I think Pam's made it pretty clear what she likes. Am I right? 320 00:13:34,189 --> 00:13:35,983 [ Sighs 1 well... 321 00:13:36,066 --> 00:13:37,693 Oh, no. [ Splashes ] 322 00:13:37,818 --> 00:13:41,488 Now my shirt is all see-through. Yeah. And so are you. 323 00:13:41,571 --> 00:13:43,615 Please tell me you are not falling for this. 324 00:13:43,699 --> 00:13:47,744 I'm not, but I am enjoying this little show tremendously, so thank you. 325 00:13:47,828 --> 00:13:49,413 Mnfin. Yeah. 326 00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:53,000 As for my professional opinion on the fountain, don't do it. 327 00:13:53,083 --> 00:13:56,253 I mean, if you were gonna live here yourself, I'd say go for it. 328 00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:58,296 But it's too expensive for a flip. 329 00:13:58,380 --> 00:14:00,298 Yeah. Yeah. All right. 330 00:14:00,382 --> 00:14:01,967 Thank you. 331 00:14:02,050 --> 00:14:03,510 Cam? Fine. 332 00:14:03,593 --> 00:14:05,470 Lesbians! 333 00:14:06,930 --> 00:14:09,725 I can't believe I just went garter shopping with my son. 334 00:14:09,808 --> 00:14:12,477 When you find a better way to keep my socks up, let me know. 335 00:14:12,561 --> 00:14:14,104 Hey, as long as we're in the mall, 336 00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:16,249 you wanna stop in the baby class and see Jay and Joe? 337 00:14:16,273 --> 00:14:18,275 No. They need this time to make a connection. 338 00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:19,860 It's not like mother and son... 339 00:14:19,943 --> 00:14:21,820 That the bond is naturally strong. 340 00:14:21,903 --> 00:14:25,032 Hey, isn't that Joe over there? 341 00:14:25,115 --> 00:14:27,993 Ay, no, that's some weird baby. 342 00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:29,786 He's not perfect like my little Joe. 343 00:14:29,870 --> 00:14:31,788 But he's got the same blanket. 344 00:14:33,248 --> 00:14:34,750 [ Mutters] 345 00:14:35,792 --> 00:14:37,753 [ Clears throat] 346 00:14:37,836 --> 00:14:39,129 Gloria. What are you doing here? 347 00:14:39,254 --> 00:14:41,631 You gave our baby to a stranger? Ow. 348 00:14:41,715 --> 00:14:43,195 Not a stranger. She's Claire's friend. 349 00:14:43,258 --> 00:14:44,926 I boy I shh. Shut up, Nathan. 350 00:14:45,010 --> 00:14:46,845 Gloria. 351 00:14:50,015 --> 00:14:52,243 The gas is on, dad. I can see the spark from the igniter. 352 00:14:52,267 --> 00:14:53,393 I don't know what it is. 353 00:14:53,477 --> 00:14:55,437 - That's your thermocouple. - Oh. 354 00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:58,356 You get a little sediment in there or some rust, and you're done for. 355 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:01,401 The thermocouple! Of course. Why didn't I think of that? 356 00:15:01,485 --> 00:15:03,671 Thanks, dad. I-I shouldn't be buggin' you with this stuff. 357 00:15:03,695 --> 00:15:05,572 Are you kiddin' me? //o ve to help. 358 00:15:05,655 --> 00:15:07,574 Makes me feel like you still need me. 359 00:15:07,657 --> 00:15:10,202 Of course I need you. You're the best when it comes to this. 360 00:15:10,285 --> 00:15:12,746 - Anything else you need fixin'? - Yeah, actually, 361 00:15:12,829 --> 00:15:15,957 I've been havin' a little trouble with my thumb. 362 00:15:16,041 --> 00:15:17,709 Oh, the old thumb. That's simple. 363 00:15:17,793 --> 00:15:20,629 Just push it back in and make that popping sound 364 00:15:20,712 --> 00:15:22,214 - [pops] - I pops I 365 00:15:22,297 --> 00:15:24,174 - oh, yeah, you're right. - There you go. 366 00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:26,093 [ Both laugh ] 367 00:15:26,176 --> 00:15:28,804 Hey, make sure you tell Claire how pretty she looks ton/ght. 368 00:15:28,887 --> 00:15:31,306 - A woman needs to hear that. - You do the same with mom. 369 00:15:31,389 --> 00:15:34,309 No, your mom's a little tired of hearing how pretty Claire is. 370 00:15:34,392 --> 00:15:36,728 [Laughs] Good one! 371 00:15:36,812 --> 00:15:39,189 - All right. Love you. - Love you too. 372 00:15:39,731 --> 00:15:41,108 Dad, we're home. 373 00:15:41,191 --> 00:15:42,484 [ Door closes ] 374 00:15:42,567 --> 00:15:45,904 That was the least fun I have ever had shopping, ever. 375 00:15:45,987 --> 00:15:47,280 Here. 376 00:15:47,364 --> 00:15:51,284 Honey, that's a torque wrench, not a torx screwdriver. 377 00:15:51,368 --> 00:15:52,953 Okay, you're just screaming now. 378 00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:55,455 Can't you just go get it? You're the best at this stuff. 379 00:15:55,539 --> 00:15:57,225 Yeah, plus the car is doing something funny, 380 00:15:57,249 --> 00:15:59,644 and there's a light on the dashboard that looks like a little genie lamp. 381 00:15:59,668 --> 00:16:02,963 My kids are helpless, but maybe that's okay. 382 00:16:03,046 --> 00:16:05,066 Because years from now, when they have their own houses, 383 00:16:05,090 --> 00:16:06,859 they'll call me on their hologram phones and say, 384 00:16:06,883 --> 00:16:09,052 “help me, dad. You're my only hope.” 385 00:16:09,136 --> 00:16:11,847 And I'll be the happiest father in sector 7. 386 00:16:11,930 --> 00:16:14,558 Or sector 12, if we're doing really well. 387 00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:16,643 I don't know why your mom's so mad. 388 00:16:16,726 --> 00:16:19,938 Maybe it has something to do with giving your son away to a complete stranger. 389 00:16:20,021 --> 00:16:23,024 You're next. And what were you two doing in the mall anyway? 390 00:16:23,150 --> 00:16:25,211 I thought you were seeing ll/loby-dick. It was sold out. 391 00:16:25,235 --> 00:16:27,154 Maybe that's how you can make it up to her. 392 00:16:27,279 --> 00:16:30,240 Take me to the ll/loby-dick reading tomorrow. Nice try. 393 00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:31,884 Doing something selfless for her other son... 394 00:16:31,908 --> 00:16:33,548 Could make up for your monumental blunder. 395 00:16:33,618 --> 00:16:36,430 Maybe fiowers orjewelry. I like to throw money at the problem. [ Door slams ] 396 00:16:36,454 --> 00:16:39,040 Hello, pretty lady. What do you wanna do for dinner? 397 00:16:39,124 --> 00:16:41,668 How about we exchange the baby for a cheese pizza? 398 00:16:41,793 --> 00:16:44,171 Is this about today? I'll call for those tickets. 399 00:16:44,254 --> 00:16:47,424 You were supposed to spend quality time with the baby. 400 00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:50,343 Joe was asleep. He didn't even know he missed the puppet show. 401 00:16:50,468 --> 00:16:52,446 It was the baby class! Okay, call it what you want. 402 00:16:52,470 --> 00:16:54,389 I saw a hippie with a frog on his hand. 403 00:16:54,472 --> 00:16:57,726 And for your information, I'm takin' Manny to that reading tomorrow. 404 00:16:57,809 --> 00:16:59,662 Now you're just trying to dig yourself out of a hole... 405 00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:02,189 Because you know that you were caught in a lie. 406 00:17:02,314 --> 00:17:03,940 So here's something— Not now, Manny. 407 00:17:04,065 --> 00:17:05,650 Oh, let him talk. I called the theater, 408 00:17:05,734 --> 00:17:07,861 and they have tons of tickets for tomorrow's show. 409 00:17:07,944 --> 00:17:09,797 And it turns out today's show wasn't sold out either. 410 00:17:09,821 --> 00:17:11,281 Ay, Manny, not now. Let him talk. 411 00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:12,724 Mom, why'd you say it was sold out? 412 00:17:12,782 --> 00:17:14,177 Yeah. Why'd you say it was sold out? 413 00:17:14,201 --> 00:17:17,037 It was a mistake. This is not my first language. 414 00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:19,372 I don't understand English very goodly. 415 00:17:19,456 --> 00:17:22,542 Don't play that card. You didn't want to go any more than I did. 416 00:17:22,626 --> 00:17:26,421 Fine. I lied. But I earned that lie. 417 00:17:26,504 --> 00:17:28,381 Ay, Manny, I am so sorry. 418 00:17:28,465 --> 00:17:33,845 But you know that I am always trying to do everything for everybody in this family. 419 00:17:33,929 --> 00:17:37,974 But you. You only do what's good for you. 420 00:17:38,058 --> 00:17:39,893 Let me tell you something, Jay pritchett. 421 00:17:39,976 --> 00:17:44,773 When it comes to raising kids, you get what you give. 422 00:17:47,609 --> 00:17:49,736 Well, you rattled that off pretty goodly. 423 00:17:49,819 --> 00:17:52,989 - [ Children shouting ] - You don't have to do this, daddy. 424 00:17:53,073 --> 00:17:55,492 I know, but daddy really wants to do this. Okay? 425 00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:58,495 No, no, no. What do you think you're doing, Sadie? No cutsies. Come on. 426 00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:00,830 - Next. - Hello, Milo. 427 00:18:00,914 --> 00:18:02,999 Hello, one of Lily's dads. 428 00:18:03,083 --> 00:18:07,462 Let's make this interesting. If I win, the new rule is this. 429 00:18:07,545 --> 00:18:09,523 No player can play more than three times in a row... 430 00:18:09,547 --> 00:18:11,947 Without getting back in line and letting the other kids play. 431 00:18:12,008 --> 00:18:14,469 What if / win? Then I'll give you $20,000. 432 00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:16,304 You're on. All right. Let's do this. 433 00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:21,768 Yes! Whoo! 434 00:18:21,851 --> 00:18:23,353 One point for me. 435 00:18:23,436 --> 00:18:24,938 One point for me. That's right. 436 00:18:25,021 --> 00:18:26,064 [ Milo grunts] 437 00:18:26,147 --> 00:18:27,607 Milo, the wall's over here. 438 00:18:27,691 --> 00:18:30,568 Nah, nah. Doesn't count. It was out! 439 00:18:30,652 --> 00:18:32,737 Aah! Little too high for you, huh? 440 00:18:32,821 --> 00:18:35,573 J' three bounces to the wall makes you a loser j' 441 00:18:35,657 --> 00:18:37,492 j' makes you a loser}; 442 00:18:37,575 --> 00:18:40,495 final point. I get this, I win. 443 00:18:40,578 --> 00:18:42,580 Oh, sweet lord Jesus. 444 00:18:43,915 --> 00:18:46,251 - [ Milo panting ] - Whoo! Yes! 445 00:18:46,334 --> 00:18:47,460 Yes! Winner! 446 00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:49,713 [ Chanting ] Champion! Champion! 447 00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:52,132 Cam's gonna be doing drop-offs for a while. 448 00:18:52,215 --> 00:18:55,010 We got a letter. 449 00:18:55,093 --> 00:18:58,930 I'm sure you're both wondering why I summoned you here tonight. 450 00:18:59,014 --> 00:19:02,600 I now present to you... The wow factor. 451 00:19:03,351 --> 00:19:04,936 [ Groans ] Cam. 452 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,899 I cannot believe that you went rogue. 453 00:19:09,983 --> 00:19:12,235 Uncool. I am with Claire on this. 454 00:19:12,319 --> 00:19:14,154 You'll soon see why. 455 00:19:14,237 --> 00:19:18,533 Prepare your senses for dancing waters. 456 00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:22,078 [ Together] Wow. 457 00:19:22,162 --> 00:19:23,496 Factor. 458 00:19:23,580 --> 00:19:25,290 Now imagine a prospective buyer... 459 00:19:25,373 --> 00:19:27,667 So entranced by the aqua ballet, 460 00:19:27,751 --> 00:19:30,837 they're compelled instantly to make a rich offer. 461 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:34,591 I've even stocked the pools with fish of gold. 462 00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:36,176 [ Chuckles ] They're just goldfish, 463 00:19:36,259 --> 00:19:38,345 but they're— they're right here. 464 00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:43,224 This is— this is pretty impressive, cam. What did you spend? 465 00:19:43,308 --> 00:19:45,810 Quite a bit, actually. But I don't wanna get into that. 466 00:19:45,894 --> 00:19:48,980 Let me turn this up to eleventy-five. 467 00:19:49,773 --> 00:19:51,316 [ Chuckles ] 468 00:19:51,441 --> 00:19:53,610 [ Together] Wow. Factor. 469 00:19:55,070 --> 00:19:58,239 Hey, cam, are fish of gold supposed to swim backwards like that? 470 00:19:58,323 --> 00:20:00,033 No, not to my knowledge, no. 471 00:20:00,116 --> 00:20:02,970 Yeah, it's kind of like they're all sort of gathering towards that thing. Like... 472 00:20:02,994 --> 00:20:04,245 Oh, no! Oh, my god! 473 00:20:04,329 --> 00:20:06,456 They're getting sucked out! 474 00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:08,041 You're killing them! You murderer! 475 00:20:08,124 --> 00:20:09,918 Claire! Unplug it! 476 00:20:10,001 --> 00:20:12,712 [ High-pitched voice ] That's half a fish! That's half a fish! 477 00:20:12,796 --> 00:20:14,690 [I Jay] ”there are certain queer times and occasions... 478 00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:16,800 In this strange, mixed affair we call life... 479 00:20:16,883 --> 00:20:20,804 When a man takes this whole universe for a vast practical joke ”... 480 00:20:22,764 --> 00:20:25,201 - [ Glass shatters] - ”though the wit thereof he but dimly discerns ”... 481 00:20:25,225 --> 00:20:26,745 ; Tick-tick-tick- tick-tick-tick-tick ; 482 00:20:26,810 --> 00:20:28,269 j' boom, boom, goes the dynamite ; 483 00:20:28,353 --> 00:20:29,979 j' boom, boom, goes the dynamite 3; 484 00:20:30,063 --> 00:20:35,026 “and more than suspects that the joke is at nobody's expense but his own.” 485 00:20:43,827 --> 00:20:46,246 Why? All right. Close your eyes. 486 00:20:46,371 --> 00:20:47,789 Okay. Just trust me. 487 00:20:47,914 --> 00:20:50,959 Never close your eyes on the court! 488 00:20:51,084 --> 00:20:52,961 But you told me— Don't let me get in your head! 489 00:20:53,044 --> 00:20:55,380 Pop 'em all before they hit the ground! Go! 490 00:20:55,463 --> 00:20:56,381 [ Blows ] 491 00:20:56,464 --> 00:20:58,007 I don't really understand how... 492 00:20:58,091 --> 00:21:00,301 Make a fist with your thumb on the side. 493 00:21:00,385 --> 00:21:03,680 Now bring your thumb to the front. Okay, now do it again. 494 00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:05,765 Ha! You just spelled “ass” in sign language. 495 00:21:05,849 --> 00:21:07,016 [ Chuckles ] 496 00:21:07,142 --> 00:21:10,145 [ Sighs 1 okay. Close your eyes. 497 00:21:10,270 --> 00:21:12,647 It's okay. We're off the court. 1 sighs 1 498 00:21:12,730 --> 00:21:14,983 you're never off the court!