1 00:00:02,086 --> 00:00:05,173 And as we make our way out of the gourmet kitchen, 2 00:00:05,256 --> 00:00:07,592 we find ourself back in the warm embrace of the parlor. 3 00:00:07,675 --> 00:00:10,219 Easy, duchess. It's one room, not gosford park. 4 00:00:10,303 --> 00:00:11,971 Where'd you get all this sweet furniture? 5 00:00:12,054 --> 00:00:14,324 Oh, we rented it to make the house feel more comfortable and inviting. 6 00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:15,933 Don't sit there! Oh, my gosh. 7 00:00:16,017 --> 00:00:18,811 It took me 20 minutes to get these chops just right. 8 00:00:18,936 --> 00:00:21,564 Does that look straight? Nothin' about that looks straight. 9 00:00:21,647 --> 00:00:23,983 - [Gmm]Mmm. - I love the house. It's beautiful. 10 00:00:24,108 --> 00:00:26,277 Here is a tree. It's a pach/'ra, 11 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:28,821 a Taiwanese symbol of good financial fortune. 12 00:00:28,946 --> 00:00:31,324 It's also known as a money tree. That makes two of us. 13 00:00:31,407 --> 00:00:33,993 Well, I would like to propose a toast. [Chuckles] 14 00:00:34,076 --> 00:00:36,495 Mmm. Missed me. 15 00:00:36,579 --> 00:00:38,998 To the hard work of Claire and Cameron... 16 00:00:39,123 --> 00:00:41,250 Or as I like to call them, “clameron.” oh! 17 00:00:41,334 --> 00:00:44,587 Which is what potential home buyers will be doing when they see this place. 18 00:00:44,670 --> 00:00:46,172 Clamorin'. 19 00:00:47,632 --> 00:00:50,635 Clamoring t-to buy it f— Phil, don't go back for it. 20 00:00:50,718 --> 00:00:53,554 Because this house is going to sell. 21 00:00:53,638 --> 00:00:55,556 Who's the best realtor in town? 22 00:00:55,681 --> 00:00:58,202 Gil thorpe. That's right, and he has buyers coming over tomorrow. 23 00:00:58,226 --> 00:01:00,311 - That's right. - Wow! All right. 24 00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:02,063 To Claire and cam. 25 00:01:02,146 --> 00:01:04,232 My sister. My partner. 26 00:01:04,315 --> 00:01:06,234 My sister! My partner! My sister! My partner! 27 00:01:06,359 --> 00:01:08,402 Chinatown. Hilarious. Still empty. 28 00:01:08,486 --> 00:01:09,737 You know you're my ride. 29 00:01:09,862 --> 00:01:11,006 To clameron! [ Mitchell ] Hear, hear! 30 00:01:11,030 --> 00:01:13,574 - Speech! - Oh! Well, gosh. 31 00:01:13,658 --> 00:01:16,178 - I wasn't prepared for this. - I think we should just really thank the people... 32 00:01:16,202 --> 00:01:18,180 Here's to the best construction crew in the business. Okay. 33 00:01:18,204 --> 00:01:20,498 Hank. Luis. Paco! 34 00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:22,893 - Wish you could be here right now, buddy. - What, did he die? 35 00:01:22,917 --> 00:01:25,812 No, he's on the roof fixing a shingle that he should've gotten right the first time. 36 00:01:25,836 --> 00:01:28,148 - I guess the most important people— yes. - And then to my partner. 37 00:01:28,172 --> 00:01:29,924 - My lifelong companion. - Aw. 38 00:01:30,007 --> 00:01:31,592 - My “iovah.” - [Claire] Oh. 39 00:01:31,676 --> 00:01:33,737 - Okay, cam. - Who had his doubts about this project... 40 00:01:33,761 --> 00:01:35,304 The whole time... 41 00:01:35,388 --> 00:01:37,556 And never, even in my darkest moment, 42 00:01:37,682 --> 00:01:39,225 said, “I told you so.” oh. 43 00:01:39,350 --> 00:01:42,120 - Which is good, because he would've been wrong. - Very gracious. Okay. 44 00:01:42,144 --> 00:01:44,605 And I'm sure that the house is gonna sell in no time. 45 00:01:44,689 --> 00:01:46,941 Great. Hear! Hear! 46 00:01:47,024 --> 00:01:49,068 Hey, I've got a friend who wants to buy a house. 47 00:01:49,151 --> 00:01:50,987 Maybe I can show it to him afierschool 48 00:01:51,070 --> 00:01:54,198 then if he buys it, I'd get the commission. What would that be? 49 00:01:54,282 --> 00:01:56,450 - Adorable. - I'm serious. 50 00:01:56,534 --> 00:01:58,577 I'm not adorable. I'm getting a mustache. 51 00:01:58,661 --> 00:02:01,122 - [ All ] Aw! - [Gloria ] Ay, qué lindo. 52 00:02:01,205 --> 00:02:03,291 I know my abc's. 53 00:02:03,374 --> 00:02:05,626 I guess things weren't about you for a second. 54 00:02:05,710 --> 00:02:09,338 - Okay. Wrapping this up. - To the fastest sale in real estate history. 55 00:02:09,422 --> 00:02:10,881 [ Cheering ] 56 00:02:11,007 --> 00:02:13,567 Seriously, it's bad luck to toast with an empty glass. [ Clinks ] 57 00:02:14,051 --> 00:02:15,886 Y hey, heyy 58 00:02:15,970 --> 00:02:17,972 y hey, heyy 59 00:02:18,055 --> 00:02:20,099 y hey, heyy 60 00:02:20,182 --> 00:02:22,059 y hey, heyy 61 00:02:22,143 --> 00:02:23,477 j hey jv 62 00:02:26,063 --> 00:02:27,898 Dunphy, I'm not gonna lie to you. 63 00:02:27,982 --> 00:02:30,359 You guys did a nice job on the house. My buyer wants in. 64 00:02:30,443 --> 00:02:33,321 Fantastic! That is great news! 65 00:02:33,404 --> 00:02:34,881 You know, when we first got into this... 66 00:02:34,905 --> 00:02:37,533 Uh— small talk's over. Here's what we're prepared to offer. 67 00:02:37,616 --> 00:02:38,909 You're joking, right? 68 00:02:38,993 --> 00:02:40,494 I don't joke about real estate. 69 00:02:40,578 --> 00:02:43,372 I joke about golf and Mexicans. 70 00:02:43,456 --> 00:02:45,041 It's okay though. I'm married to one. 71 00:02:45,124 --> 00:02:46,500 W-We're not gonna take this. 72 00:02:46,584 --> 00:02:48,353 It's first day on the market. We'd barely break even. 73 00:02:48,377 --> 00:02:50,504 Take it. 74 00:02:50,629 --> 00:02:52,715 The market's crashing! Nuh-uh. 75 00:02:52,798 --> 00:02:54,818 - You're in over your head. - Maybe you're in over your head. 76 00:02:54,842 --> 00:02:56,344 Dunphy, listen to me. 77 00:02:56,427 --> 00:02:58,512 If you pass up on this, you're gonna regret it. 78 00:02:58,596 --> 00:03:01,640 I don't know the meaning of the word “regret.” 79 00:03:01,724 --> 00:03:04,435 [Singsong ] Here we go. French toast, double bacon. 80 00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:06,729 - Egg whites, dry toast. - Damn it. 81 00:03:06,854 --> 00:03:08,606 [Laughs] Let me tell you something, Gil. 82 00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:10,232 You may be top dog, 83 00:03:10,316 --> 00:03:12,193 but you're the one who's gonna have regrets... 84 00:03:12,276 --> 00:03:14,836 - 'Cause this house is gonna sell like... that. - [Snaps fingers] 85 00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:18,949 [ Sighs 1 oh. Well... 86 00:03:21,035 --> 00:03:22,536 That's it for today. 87 00:03:22,620 --> 00:03:24,288 We're going to die in this house. 88 00:03:24,372 --> 00:03:26,415 Oh, the pillows have lost their fiuff. 89 00:03:26,499 --> 00:03:29,168 The pillows are not the problem! 90 00:03:33,631 --> 00:03:35,424 It's okay, Manny. I'll see you in a minute. 91 00:03:35,508 --> 00:03:38,928 Yes, I'll be polite and I'll be nice. I promise. 92 00:03:39,011 --> 00:03:41,847 - I'm going to kill him. - What'd Javier do this time? 93 00:03:41,931 --> 00:03:44,225 His one big weekend alone with his son, 94 00:03:44,308 --> 00:03:47,311 and I just found out that he brought his latest bimbo along. 95 00:03:47,395 --> 00:03:49,146 He always does this. 96 00:03:49,230 --> 00:03:52,066 You remember that time that he took Manny and that stripper fishing? 97 00:03:52,149 --> 00:03:54,527 Yeah. They barely got a nipple. 98 00:03:54,610 --> 00:03:57,196 - Come on. That was good. I just thought of that. - Are you done? 99 00:03:57,279 --> 00:03:59,657 I bet she was comfortable with the pole. 100 00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:01,409 Ah. Should've quit after “nipple.” 101 00:04:01,492 --> 00:04:02,972 How does leno do it night after night? 102 00:04:03,035 --> 00:04:05,704 I was just wondering that about myself. 103 00:04:07,123 --> 00:04:09,875 Phil, please, tell us that you have some good news. 104 00:04:09,959 --> 00:04:12,086 Well, it's complicated because I don't have good news, 105 00:04:12,169 --> 00:04:13,688 but I really want you guys to like me. 106 00:04:13,712 --> 00:04:16,132 What? Gil thorpe called back with another offer, 107 00:04:16,215 --> 00:04:17,967 but it was 10,000 lower than the last one. 108 00:04:18,092 --> 00:04:19,218 [ Sighs 1 lower? 109 00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:20,970 Oh, that is perfect. That's just perfect. 110 00:04:21,053 --> 00:04:23,180 Something you wanna say, Mitchell? 111 00:04:23,264 --> 00:04:26,100 Yes. “I told you so. I warned you this would happen. 112 00:04:26,183 --> 00:04:28,144 I tried to stop it, but you wouldn't let me. 113 00:04:28,227 --> 00:04:29,895 I was right, and you were wrong. 114 00:04:29,979 --> 00:04:32,857 You live in this ridiculous candy-colored fantasy land. 115 00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:36,569 I am so much smarter than you, and it is killing me not to rub your nose in it!” 116 00:04:36,652 --> 00:04:38,112 No. I'm just thinking. 117 00:04:38,195 --> 00:04:39,864 Okay, guys, we have to do something. 118 00:04:39,947 --> 00:04:41,866 We can't carry this house for much longer. 119 00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:45,077 - Cam, what did you spend on staging? - Uh, let's see. I don't know. 120 00:04:45,161 --> 00:04:46,495 How can you not know? 121 00:04:46,579 --> 00:04:49,415 Because I was hungry, and everything was so pretty. 122 00:04:49,540 --> 00:04:51,184 [Claire groans] And I didn't think it would matter... 123 00:04:51,208 --> 00:04:53,919 Because who could've guessed we wouldn't have sold the house by now? 124 00:04:55,296 --> 00:04:57,131 Phil, do you think you can get Gil thorpe... 125 00:04:57,256 --> 00:04:59,258 Up to his original offer? How? 126 00:04:59,341 --> 00:05:02,219 I don't know. You could, uh, fiatter him, stroke his ego. 127 00:05:02,303 --> 00:05:04,722 No, he'd never fall for that. He's too smart. 128 00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:08,267 - Oh. But, honey, if anybody can pull it off, you can. - Mm-hmm. 129 00:05:08,392 --> 00:05:11,312 You're so good at everything. Mmm. That is true. 130 00:05:11,395 --> 00:05:13,397 I'll do it. 131 00:05:13,481 --> 00:05:15,024 [ Door opens ] 132 00:05:15,107 --> 00:05:17,485 We're back! 133 00:05:17,568 --> 00:05:21,363 I cannot believe that again you brought a girl. 134 00:05:21,447 --> 00:05:23,407 What is it this time? A cocktail waitress? 135 00:05:23,532 --> 00:05:25,993 A boat show model? A stripper? [ Door closes ] 136 00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:29,330 No, then I could make real money. I'm just a Ph.D. 137 00:05:29,413 --> 00:05:30,998 Mom, this is Trish. 138 00:05:31,123 --> 00:05:32,583 Gloria, hi. Hey. 139 00:05:32,708 --> 00:05:33,959 Jay. How do you do? 140 00:05:34,043 --> 00:05:36,003 I have heard so much about you. 141 00:05:36,086 --> 00:05:37,671 She works at the museum of art. 142 00:05:37,755 --> 00:05:40,007 It was so cool. We got an after-hours tour, 143 00:05:40,090 --> 00:05:42,468 and Trish said I could take fiash pictures of the paintings. 144 00:05:42,551 --> 00:05:44,196 - But don't worry. I didn't. - That's a relief. 145 00:05:44,220 --> 00:05:46,013 I was afraid I was gonna have to look at 'em. 146 00:05:46,138 --> 00:05:48,682 So you work at the museum? Oh, no. I'm just on the board. 147 00:05:48,766 --> 00:05:50,911 I run the art and antiquities department at christie's. 148 00:05:50,935 --> 00:05:54,104 Let me see. What is the word I am looking for? Oh. 149 00:05:54,188 --> 00:05:55,731 Oh, yes— bam! 150 00:05:55,814 --> 00:05:58,108 So how did you two meet? 151 00:05:58,192 --> 00:06:00,694 I won a car in a poker game, but it caught on fire, 152 00:06:00,778 --> 00:06:02,321 so the guy gave me a painting. 153 00:06:02,404 --> 00:06:05,175 I took it to the auction house, y 't/'qui-t/'qut ” I made a big profit. 154 00:06:05,199 --> 00:06:07,868 But I still came home with a masterpiece. 155 00:06:07,952 --> 00:06:09,203 He means her. 156 00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:13,040 May I tell you, you have a wonderful boy? 157 00:06:13,123 --> 00:06:15,626 So well-mannered and chivalrous. 158 00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:18,587 It's like he leapt off the canvas of a 16th-century portrait... 159 00:06:18,671 --> 00:06:20,965 By gainsborough or Van dyke. 160 00:06:21,090 --> 00:06:23,842 Listen to that brain. Hmm? Can they stay for dinner? 161 00:06:23,926 --> 00:06:25,594 Well, that's up to them, pap/z 162 00:06:25,678 --> 00:06:27,638 how can I turn down a free meal? 163 00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:29,783 - First time's the hardest. - What do you say, my love? 164 00:06:29,807 --> 00:06:32,643 Well, I'm not sure I'm ready to say good-bye to this guy yet. 165 00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:35,396 But I'll only stay if you let me contribute. 166 00:06:35,479 --> 00:06:38,774 I did bring along a fabulous bottle of '82 Bordeaux... 167 00:06:38,857 --> 00:06:40,651 That we didn't get to this weekend. 168 00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:42,194 For that, you can take Manny home. 169 00:06:42,278 --> 00:06:44,738 - See what I have to put up with? - [ Laughs ] 170 00:06:44,822 --> 00:06:48,617 Gil! Phil Dunphy. [ Gil geek/es ] 171 00:06:48,701 --> 00:06:51,579 I knew you'd come slinking back! Hey, guys! 172 00:06:51,662 --> 00:06:54,957 It's Dunphy. He's cavin'. What did I tell you? What did I tell you, right? 173 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:59,920 [ Laughing ] Oh, Dunphy, I can play you like a ukulele, 174 00:07:00,004 --> 00:07:01,922 'cause you're small and dainty. 175 00:07:02,006 --> 00:07:03,882 Gil, I wanna talk to you about your offer. 176 00:07:03,966 --> 00:07:05,593 Oh! Let me stop you right there. 177 00:07:05,676 --> 00:07:07,678 This is how this is gonna go down. 178 00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:10,598 First of all, I'm gonna take you out to a very nice dinner. 179 00:07:10,681 --> 00:07:12,683 I'm gonna talk really sweet to you. 180 00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:15,102 And then I'm gonna lay you down by the fire... 181 00:07:15,185 --> 00:07:16,812 Oh. Slow at first, then... 182 00:07:16,895 --> 00:07:19,374 If you guys are talking about the house, my friend Zack's still looking. 183 00:07:19,398 --> 00:07:21,692 Honey, 14-year-olds can't afford to buy houses. 184 00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:25,446 He's not 14. He's a software guy who volunteers at my school. 185 00:07:25,529 --> 00:07:27,906 We 're gonna be sweating. He's an adult with money? 186 00:07:28,032 --> 00:07:30,784 He drives a nicer car than you. Get me his number right now! 187 00:07:30,868 --> 00:07:33,430 And then you're gonna go home and tell everybody you went to the movies, 188 00:07:33,454 --> 00:07:36,624 but you and I both know that you got thorpedoed. 189 00:07:36,749 --> 00:07:39,853 Guess what, Gil. This was a courtesy call to tell you that I have another buyer. 190 00:07:39,877 --> 00:07:43,255 So you can tell your buyer that you cost them a great house... 191 00:07:43,339 --> 00:07:46,634 Because you got cocky and overplayed your hand. 192 00:07:46,717 --> 00:07:51,096 Prepare to Phil the agony of dunfeat. 193 00:07:51,180 --> 00:07:52,681 [Beeps] Bmhnamem 194 00:07:57,394 --> 00:07:59,647 now, I'm not an art expert like you, 195 00:07:59,730 --> 00:08:01,607 but I did acquire this piece in a gallery... 196 00:08:01,690 --> 00:08:03,817 In one of the finer Vegas casinos. 197 00:08:03,901 --> 00:08:05,778 What do you think? 198 00:08:05,903 --> 00:08:09,073 It does say something. He used to, before his little voice box broke. 199 00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:12,159 It said, “welcome home, master. Ruff day?” 200 00:08:12,284 --> 00:08:14,787 [Laughs] [ Inhales sharply] Agam? 201 00:08:14,870 --> 00:08:16,997 Would you believe she made me keep this in the attic? 202 00:08:17,081 --> 00:08:20,751 - Gloria, Trish says this is art. - What was it Thoreau said? 203 00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:23,504 “It's not what you look at that matters. It's what you see.” 204 00:08:23,587 --> 00:08:25,422 Hear that? You were wrong. 205 00:08:25,506 --> 00:08:29,593 Keep talking like that, and you will find out how he lost his voice box. 206 00:08:29,718 --> 00:08:32,221 What have we here? His name's barkley. 207 00:08:32,304 --> 00:08:34,056 [Laughs] That's delightful. 208 00:08:34,139 --> 00:08:36,183 It's not delightful. It's disgusting. 209 00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:38,519 Uh, look at warhol. Look at koons. 210 00:08:38,602 --> 00:08:40,646 A lot of great works of contemporary art... 211 00:08:40,729 --> 00:08:42,690 Were initially dismissed as garbage. 212 00:08:42,773 --> 00:08:45,359 - Excellent point, Trish. - This is not even garbage. 213 00:08:45,442 --> 00:08:48,404 They wouldn't take it. It's too big for the can. 214 00:08:48,487 --> 00:08:51,198 Now, what I see is a man who is not a man. 215 00:08:51,281 --> 00:08:53,492 He is a servant who has lost his dignity. 216 00:08:53,575 --> 00:08:56,245 It is a commentary on the class system in society, 217 00:08:56,328 --> 00:08:59,540 as well as a handy place to put your keys and sunglasses. 218 00:08:59,623 --> 00:09:02,876 Whatever he is, your barkley is going back to the attic. 219 00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:06,255 - I'm going to see the baby. - Oh! Barkley. 220 00:09:06,338 --> 00:09:08,132 - Very clever. - Come on, guys. Let's play. 221 00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:09,758 What are you going to play? 222 00:09:09,842 --> 00:09:12,511 Charades. Me and Trish against dad and Jay. 223 00:09:12,594 --> 00:09:14,722 I have to warn you, Jay, these two are very good. 224 00:09:14,805 --> 00:09:16,640 It's like they have their own language. 225 00:09:16,724 --> 00:09:19,059 I want to play too! Which team should ijoin? 226 00:09:19,184 --> 00:09:20,245 Play with Manny. Oh, Jay's. 227 00:09:20,269 --> 00:09:21,478 [Javier] Manny's team. 228 00:09:22,604 --> 00:09:24,940 Okay, then. Great. 229 00:09:25,023 --> 00:09:27,067 - Well, we'll see you tonight. - [Cell phone beeps] 230 00:09:27,151 --> 00:09:30,571 Zack Barbie is indeed an adult, he likes the neighborhood, and he's interested. 231 00:09:30,654 --> 00:09:32,698 - Oh, thank god. - Really? 232 00:09:32,823 --> 00:09:36,201 Did god come in here and tell you about him? Because I don't remember it that way. 233 00:09:36,285 --> 00:09:37,911 Okay, okay. This is it, people. 234 00:09:37,995 --> 00:09:40,664 We cannot afford to lose this buyer. Why am I standing? 235 00:09:40,748 --> 00:09:43,333 Phil, do you think this is the right house for him? 236 00:09:43,417 --> 00:09:45,979 It's hard to tell. He's young. He's single. I don't know anything else about him. 237 00:09:46,003 --> 00:09:48,547 [Typing I Zack Barbie. Born 1986. 238 00:09:48,630 --> 00:09:50,215 Went to college at a place called mit. 239 00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:52,801 M.i.t. I know how to spell it. 240 00:09:52,885 --> 00:09:55,137 Five words. It's a book. 241 00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:58,056 [Gloria ] There's an old man... 242 00:09:58,140 --> 00:09:59,433 On the boat. 243 00:09:59,516 --> 00:10:02,936 He caught a big fish. The old man and the fish! 244 00:10:03,020 --> 00:10:04,813 - Time! - The old man and the sea! 245 00:10:04,897 --> 00:10:08,400 - Never heard about it. - Hemingway's classic tale of man versus nature. 246 00:10:08,484 --> 00:10:11,324 Leave it to a guy with a hundred cats to write a good fish story, right? 247 00:10:11,361 --> 00:10:12,988 Oh, Trish! [Laughs] 248 00:10:13,071 --> 00:10:16,575 What is this, a book club or a fun game? Go. 249 00:10:22,706 --> 00:10:24,917 Play. Five words. 250 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:27,711 Second word. Scared. Afraid. Who's afraid of Virginia woolf? 251 00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:31,590 - Got it! You're amazing! - Wowee! You could do this for a living. 252 00:10:31,673 --> 00:10:33,258 Really? There's such a thing? 253 00:10:33,342 --> 00:10:36,470 No, just like there's no such thing as a professional Broadway enthusiast. 254 00:10:36,553 --> 00:10:40,224 - You're gonna have to get a real job. - Okay, it's my turn. 255 00:10:41,475 --> 00:10:44,061 [ Chuckles ] I don't know this. 256 00:10:46,647 --> 00:10:49,316 - I don't know this. - Mom, you have to do the one you pick. 257 00:10:49,399 --> 00:10:52,045 Oh, no, Manny. It's fine. Just keep picking until you get one you like. 258 00:10:52,069 --> 00:10:55,572 No, I don't have to keep picking. I'm gonna do this one. 259 00:10:56,615 --> 00:10:58,408 - [ Gasps ] - Uh-oh. 260 00:10:58,492 --> 00:11:00,828 - No, I got this. - Is it a play, a book or a movie? 261 00:11:00,911 --> 00:11:02,788 Yeah, one of those. 262 00:11:02,871 --> 00:11:04,456 Lost! Clueless! 263 00:11:04,540 --> 00:11:08,085 - Dazed and confused! - This is stupid. Nobody can get this. 264 00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:10,462 You're probably right. I... 265 00:11:10,546 --> 00:11:13,006 Yeah. See? This is one of mine. It's really hard. 266 00:11:13,090 --> 00:11:16,510 - Really? What is it? You do it. - Well... 267 00:11:16,593 --> 00:11:18,637 Play. 268 00:11:18,762 --> 00:11:20,305 .Swe£vmu/todd! Exacfiy. 269 00:11:20,389 --> 00:11:22,766 What a team. [ Laughing ] 270 00:11:22,850 --> 00:11:26,103 This is a stupid— [Voice quivering ] Game! 271 00:11:28,063 --> 00:11:30,232 Okay, so after a quick scan of his Facebook, Twitter, 272 00:11:30,315 --> 00:11:32,860 tumblr, pinterest and Instagram, here is what I know. 273 00:11:32,985 --> 00:11:34,862 Privacy is dead? 1 sighs 1 274 00:11:34,945 --> 00:11:39,074 likes: Chicago blackhawks, kickboxing, the movie die hard and beer. 275 00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:41,118 He sounds like a frat boy. Oh, he's many things. 276 00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:43,287 He meditates. He loves Indian food. 277 00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:45,038 And he's crazy about his dog, Otis. 278 00:11:45,122 --> 00:11:46,933 Does the house have a doggie door? [ Cameron, Claire] No. 279 00:11:46,957 --> 00:11:48,959 Put one in. You get to Barbie through Otis. 280 00:11:49,084 --> 00:11:51,628 She's like the girl with the dragon tattoo. With cuter hair. 281 00:11:51,712 --> 00:11:53,589 Stop talking! Oh, she really is. 282 00:11:53,672 --> 00:11:56,675 Dude has a thing for chicks in black tights, he likes old-school funk, 283 00:11:56,758 --> 00:11:58,719 and he chipped his front tooth playing soccer. 284 00:11:58,802 --> 00:12:00,387 Aw! That's actually kind of cute. 285 00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:02,031 Oh, my god. You're falling in love with him. 286 00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:03,724 Oh, please. It's just a job, nothing more. 287 00:12:03,807 --> 00:12:05,684 Okay. That's enough to go on. Let's move. 288 00:12:05,767 --> 00:12:07,996 We've got two hours to turn that place into Zack Barbie's dream house. 289 00:12:08,020 --> 00:12:09,414 Barbie's dream house. We don't have time! 290 00:12:09,438 --> 00:12:10,638 [ Claire ] Let's go. Let's go. 291 00:12:14,985 --> 00:12:17,654 What the hell was all that about? 292 00:12:17,738 --> 00:12:19,948 Why don't you ask Trish? She knows everything. 293 00:12:20,032 --> 00:12:21,742 Well, at least she's not a bimbo. 294 00:12:21,825 --> 00:12:25,370 She and Manny seem to hit it off fine. What's the problem? 295 00:12:25,454 --> 00:12:28,624 Just one weekend, and he already idolizes her. 296 00:12:28,707 --> 00:12:31,752 And why wouldn't he? She's so much smarter than me. 297 00:12:31,835 --> 00:12:34,713 She knows so much more about the things that he loves. 298 00:12:34,796 --> 00:12:37,925 They have their little inside jokes. 299 00:12:38,008 --> 00:12:40,802 If she learns how to froth his cappuccino, I am history. 300 00:12:40,886 --> 00:12:43,388 You and Manny have the closest relationship I've ever seen. 301 00:12:43,472 --> 00:12:46,892 Hell, he may never form a healthy attachment with another woman after you. 302 00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:48,560 You're just saying that. 303 00:12:48,644 --> 00:12:50,354 And it doesn't matter if Manny likes her. 304 00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:53,398 Knowing Javier's track record, he'll dump her like he dumps everybody. 305 00:12:53,482 --> 00:12:56,193 You are wrong, Jay. I'm not going to dump her. 306 00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:58,695 In fact, this weekend, I asked Trish to marry me. 307 00:12:59,821 --> 00:13:01,448 [ Laughing ] 308 00:13:01,531 --> 00:13:03,325 You're going to marry her? 309 00:13:03,408 --> 00:13:05,327 I was waiting for the right time to tell you. 310 00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:08,580 - Nailed it. - I wanted to ask you for my abue/a's ring back. 311 00:13:08,664 --> 00:13:12,668 I really want Trish to wear it. She is the most amazing woman I've ever known. 312 00:13:12,751 --> 00:13:14,586 You see that I am holding a knife. 313 00:13:14,670 --> 00:13:17,089 Please. Half our marriage was you with a knife. 314 00:13:17,172 --> 00:13:19,508 Trish is the one. And Manny already loves her. 315 00:13:19,591 --> 00:13:22,469 He can spend more time with us now— holidays, summers even. 316 00:13:22,552 --> 00:13:24,429 Fine. I'll go get you the ring. 317 00:13:24,513 --> 00:13:28,225 But you owe me eight dollars because I had to replace “the emerald.” 318 00:13:33,563 --> 00:13:36,650 [ Clinks ] [ Plate clattering ] 319 00:13:36,775 --> 00:13:42,864 Wow. Javier, you've brought a lot of 30-year-olds around here, but this one's my favorite. 320 00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:44,950 And I like Trish too. Me too. 321 00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:49,329 Then I suppose this is as good a moment as any to tell you, Manny. 322 00:13:49,413 --> 00:13:51,206 Trish and I are getting married. 323 00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:53,917 Oh, my gosh. This is the best news ever! 324 00:13:54,001 --> 00:13:56,586 - Oh! - Here. Drink. 325 00:13:56,670 --> 00:13:58,839 Now listen, my love. 326 00:13:58,922 --> 00:14:01,466 This belonged to my abue/a. 327 00:14:01,591 --> 00:14:04,511 Um, maybe not now, Javier. No, no. Please. Please. 328 00:14:04,594 --> 00:14:09,433 It will fill my heart to see this ring on your— yourfingen 329 00:14:09,516 --> 00:14:11,727 oh. It's— it's a little small. 330 00:14:11,852 --> 00:14:14,354 I can't do this. No, no. I'll just push a little harder. 331 00:14:14,438 --> 00:14:17,649 Javier, stop. It'll never work. 332 00:14:17,733 --> 00:14:20,569 But wait, my love. We can put butter on your finger. 333 00:14:22,237 --> 00:14:25,657 [ Doorbell rings ] That's him. Hit it. 334 00:14:25,741 --> 00:14:28,118 Yy [ Stereo: ”super freak” ] 335 00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:30,704 Hey! Not him. 336 00:14:30,787 --> 00:14:32,557 - [ Hey, guys. Sorry it took me so long. - .R.R / 570,03 ] 337 00:14:32,581 --> 00:14:34,809 I've never bought beer before. There's just so many choices. 338 00:14:34,833 --> 00:14:37,294 - Do we really need that much? - I don't know. Is this a lot? 339 00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:38,754 [ Doorbell rings ] 340 00:14:38,837 --> 00:14:40,047 Showtime! 341 00:14:40,130 --> 00:14:41,923 , r, r [resumes ] 342 00:14:42,007 --> 00:14:43,508 Hey! Not him. 343 00:14:43,633 --> 00:14:46,511 Hey! Thought I'd just swing by and see how it's going. .R.R! Stops I 344 00:14:46,636 --> 00:14:48,889 Zack here? [ Claire ] Oh, my god. 345 00:14:48,972 --> 00:14:52,726 You are wearing black tights. Alex was right. You are into him. 346 00:14:52,851 --> 00:14:55,854 That skank Zoey broke his heart. I can make him whole again! Haley! 347 00:14:55,979 --> 00:14:57,773 [ Doorbell rings ] Okay, that has to be him. 348 00:14:57,856 --> 00:14:59,524 Everyone we know is already here. 349 00:14:59,649 --> 00:15:02,235 Everyone, places. Let's make this perfect. Yes. 350 00:15:02,319 --> 00:15:04,338 [Stereo beeps] I'm /ra glass. Today on the program... 351 00:15:04,362 --> 00:15:05,655 No. Turn that off! 352 00:15:05,781 --> 00:15:06,948 No, no, no! [Phfi] Tun1fiofi! 353 00:15:07,074 --> 00:15:08,533 [ Shrieks ] It's the back button. 354 00:15:08,617 --> 00:15:09,951 Da vid sedaris... 355 00:15:10,035 --> 00:15:12,704 Hey! You must be Zack. I'm Phil Dunphy. Come on in. 356 00:15:12,829 --> 00:15:14,164 Yeah. 357 00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:16,416 - These are my associates. - Hello! Good evening. 358 00:15:16,500 --> 00:15:17,793 Hi! 359 00:15:17,876 --> 00:15:19,711 Oh, and my, uh— my daughter. 360 00:15:19,836 --> 00:15:23,465 So... this is the place. Looks nice. 361 00:15:23,548 --> 00:15:27,052 - So, Zack, you hungry? - Uh, no. But, uh, it smells great. 362 00:15:27,135 --> 00:15:30,180 Yeah, it's from this amazing Indian place just down the road. 363 00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:31,765 It's walking distance. 364 00:15:31,848 --> 00:15:35,018 Which is awesome if you've had one too many brewskis, am I right? 365 00:15:35,102 --> 00:15:37,437 Yeah. [ Phil clears throat] 366 00:15:37,521 --> 00:15:40,774 Oh, is someone a blackhawks fan? Love the hawks. 367 00:15:40,857 --> 00:15:43,401 [ Chuckles ] Yeah, well, that's a weird coincidence. 368 00:15:43,485 --> 00:15:46,655 - Let's go check out the kickboxing gym. - Seriously? I kickbox. 369 00:15:46,780 --> 00:15:48,281 Yeah. [ High-pitched voice ] What? 370 00:15:48,365 --> 00:15:50,992 Come on! [ Mouths word ] 371 00:15:51,076 --> 00:15:52,661 [ Whispers Haley! ] 372 00:15:53,703 --> 00:15:55,372 Trish, open up! 373 00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:57,415 [Trish ] No. I don't want to see you right now. 374 00:15:57,499 --> 00:15:59,584 Open up, or I'm going to break down the door! 375 00:15:59,668 --> 00:16:02,129 Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Don't break down the door! 376 00:16:02,212 --> 00:16:04,482 Jay, caramba! I'm beginning to think I should've just bought a ring. 377 00:16:04,506 --> 00:16:06,591 You? Let me talk to her. 378 00:16:06,675 --> 00:16:09,094 Yes. She's scared. Maybe I can help. 379 00:16:09,177 --> 00:16:11,680 Help her go... adios. 380 00:16:11,763 --> 00:16:14,516 Go ahead. And you tell her she's being crazy and irrational. 381 00:16:14,599 --> 00:16:17,477 And if she doesn't come out, I'm going to burn down this house! 382 00:16:17,561 --> 00:16:19,062 Don't burn down the house! 383 00:16:19,813 --> 00:16:22,649 Trish, open. It's Gloria. 384 00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:26,528 I'm sorry. I needed to be alone. 385 00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:28,155 In Manny's bedroom? [ Door closes ] 386 00:16:28,238 --> 00:16:30,532 Well, I thought it was a bathroom. 387 00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:32,742 It smells like potpourri. 388 00:16:32,826 --> 00:16:35,829 Listen, I would be the first person to understand... 389 00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:39,207 That you're having second thoughts about marrying Javier. 390 00:16:39,291 --> 00:16:41,918 I am, but I do love him. 391 00:16:42,002 --> 00:16:46,506 Of course you do, even though he's irresponsible and impulsive, 392 00:16:46,590 --> 00:16:49,230 and if your sisters are even a little bit pretty, he's gonna try... 393 00:16:49,259 --> 00:16:50,886 No, no, no, no, no. It's not that. 394 00:16:50,969 --> 00:16:53,013 Is it the drinking? 395 00:16:53,096 --> 00:16:54,890 Is it the gambling? 396 00:16:54,973 --> 00:16:56,766 Is it because of your fat fingers? 397 00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:58,351 - No, it's you. - Me? 398 00:16:58,435 --> 00:17:00,061 How can I compete with you? 399 00:17:00,145 --> 00:17:03,607 All Manny talks about is how he's got the world's greatest mom. 400 00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:05,859 And I know Javier regrets losing you. 401 00:17:05,942 --> 00:17:08,862 - No, he doesn't. - Oh, believe me, he does. 402 00:17:08,945 --> 00:17:13,033 And who could blame him? I mean, look at you! 403 00:17:13,116 --> 00:17:15,035 Who has a body like that? 404 00:17:15,118 --> 00:17:18,038 And you just had a baby two months ago? 405 00:17:18,121 --> 00:17:20,457 I mean, do you just live at the gym? 406 00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,417 Who has time for the gym? 407 00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:24,169 Oh! 408 00:17:24,252 --> 00:17:25,879 You know what I had for lunch? 409 00:17:25,962 --> 00:17:29,966 I had a half a granola bar, and I can't button my pants! 410 00:17:30,050 --> 00:17:31,885 I can't cook! 411 00:17:31,968 --> 00:17:35,472 And at best, I am average in bed! 412 00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:38,225 And I will never, ever, ever live up... 413 00:17:38,308 --> 00:17:41,603 To the great Gloria! 414 00:17:42,812 --> 00:17:45,482 Welcome to the family! 415 00:17:48,318 --> 00:17:50,612 And did I mention that from the back of the garden, 416 00:17:50,695 --> 00:17:53,823 you can almost see a piece of the building that they shot die hard in? 417 00:17:53,907 --> 00:17:55,408 Vvowd [laughs] 418 00:17:55,492 --> 00:17:57,160 I like to sit back there sometimes. 419 00:17:57,244 --> 00:17:59,579 It's a great place to gather my thoughts and just... 420 00:17:59,704 --> 00:18:02,123 I don't know. Be in the now. I meditate every day. 421 00:18:02,249 --> 00:18:05,835 Yippee-ki-yay! What are the odds? Yeah. 422 00:18:05,919 --> 00:18:08,356 You know, this is probably not gonna help my negotiating power, 423 00:18:08,380 --> 00:18:11,758 but I kinda can't believe how perfect this house is. 424 00:18:11,841 --> 00:18:16,930 And how much is little Otis gonna enjoy this doggie door? 425 00:18:17,013 --> 00:18:19,182 How do you... know my dog's name? 426 00:18:19,266 --> 00:18:22,310 - I don't. - Yeah, you do. You just said “Otis.” 427 00:18:22,394 --> 00:18:23,937 No. No, no. He said, 428 00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:27,440 “oh, dis doggie door would be perfect for your dog.” 429 00:18:27,524 --> 00:18:29,150 Should you own one. 430 00:18:29,234 --> 00:18:31,796 - That's not even close to what he just said. - That's what I heard. 431 00:18:31,820 --> 00:18:35,490 We can do a very fast escrow and get you in this house by the end of the month. 432 00:18:35,573 --> 00:18:37,951 Oh! Just in time for your birthday! 433 00:18:38,034 --> 00:18:40,328 This is weird! It's totally weird. 434 00:18:40,412 --> 00:18:42,664 Okay, the blackhawks, you know my birthday, 435 00:18:42,747 --> 00:18:44,624 and you know my dog's name. 436 00:18:44,708 --> 00:18:46,811 - You guys are freaking me out. - Okay, wait a second. 437 00:18:46,835 --> 00:18:48,461 We poured our hearts into this house, 438 00:18:48,545 --> 00:18:52,590 and we just wanted to show you what it would be like if you were living here. 439 00:18:52,674 --> 00:18:54,217 Did we go a tiny bit overboard? 440 00:18:54,301 --> 00:18:57,846 - [ Remote beeps] - .U [ Stereo: ”super freak” ] 441 00:18:57,929 --> 00:19:00,473 - Oh, my god! - .R.R! 8f0psi 442 00:19:00,557 --> 00:19:02,976 - favorite song. Way to go. - [Chuckles] You take care. 443 00:19:03,059 --> 00:19:05,895 Can you even see the die hard building from here? 444 00:19:05,979 --> 00:19:07,522 Mm-mmm. No. 445 00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:09,941 - Okay. - I'll be at Coachella too! I'll come find you! 446 00:19:10,025 --> 00:19:11,151 Haley! Honey! Haley! 447 00:19:11,234 --> 00:19:12,736 [ Door slams ] 448 00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:15,363 Well, that's it. 449 00:19:15,447 --> 00:19:17,240 We're officially screwed. Darn it. 450 00:19:17,324 --> 00:19:21,244 - It's okay, honey. - No, it's not okay. I feel responsible. 451 00:19:21,328 --> 00:19:23,747 I dragged us all into this. 452 00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:27,667 The whole point was so that I could make a little extra money... 453 00:19:27,751 --> 00:19:29,461 And contribute to the family, 454 00:19:29,544 --> 00:19:32,297 and instead, I'm gonna end up costing us. 455 00:19:32,422 --> 00:19:35,300 Imammm hey.Hey. 456 00:19:35,425 --> 00:19:38,053 No one could've predicted this. [Glass shatters] 457 00:19:38,136 --> 00:19:39,637 My bad. 458 00:19:39,721 --> 00:19:42,241 We'll find another buyer. This time, we'll learn from our mistakes. 459 00:19:42,265 --> 00:19:43,850 - I got it. - [ Doorbell rings ] 460 00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:47,771 - He's back! - No. No, no, no! Stop! Stop. Stop. 461 00:19:47,854 --> 00:19:50,398 This is a great house. It was built with integrity. 462 00:19:50,482 --> 00:19:52,734 We should sell it that way, okay? No more tricks. 463 00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:54,694 Yeah. Let's just be honest. 464 00:19:54,778 --> 00:19:57,072 [ Claire ] No tricks. 465 00:19:57,197 --> 00:19:59,157 Hey, Dunphy. Gil. 466 00:19:59,282 --> 00:20:01,493 Your office said you'd be over here. Yeah, I am here. 467 00:20:01,576 --> 00:20:04,329 With my buyers. [ Clears throat] 468 00:20:04,412 --> 00:20:07,123 - What do you guys think? - Oh, my god! This house is perfect. 469 00:20:07,207 --> 00:20:10,543 I especially love the warm embrace of the parlor. 470 00:20:10,668 --> 00:20:12,712 It screams you. No, it screams you, sweetie. 471 00:20:12,837 --> 00:20:15,066 Oh, dis doggie door, cam. Look. [ High-pitched voice ] Oh! 472 00:20:15,090 --> 00:20:17,300 Damn it. Gays. 473 00:20:17,384 --> 00:20:19,302 They come to play. 474 00:20:19,427 --> 00:20:23,306 I'm busy, Gil. Don't accept any offers without talking to me first. 475 00:20:23,390 --> 00:20:24,974 My buyer wants in, all right? 476 00:20:25,058 --> 00:20:27,143 I don't know. We're pretty far down that road. 477 00:20:27,227 --> 00:20:29,104 All right. We'll up the offer. 478 00:20:29,187 --> 00:20:33,566 Gil, let me tell you how this is gonna go down. 479 00:20:33,650 --> 00:20:36,403 First, you're gonna buy me a lovely dinner. 480 00:20:36,486 --> 00:20:40,740 No, that's not it. First, I'm gonna buy you a lovely dinner. 481 00:20:40,824 --> 00:20:43,201 Then I'm gonna take you in the back... 482 00:20:43,284 --> 00:20:44,970 [ High-pitched voice ] It's gonna happen! It's gonna happen! 483 00:20:44,994 --> 00:20:47,247 We're gonna sell the house. [Gasping ] 484 00:20:47,330 --> 00:20:50,041 You see, Mitchell? I told you so. 485 00:20:50,125 --> 00:20:52,127 [ Claire ] Yeah! 486 00:20:56,256 --> 00:20:57,924 [ Cell phone rings ] Oh. 487 00:20:58,007 --> 00:20:59,634 That's my wife. I better take it. 488 00:20:59,717 --> 00:21:01,553 Hey, hey. Whoa, listen. Whatever you do, 489 00:21:01,636 --> 00:21:03,364 don't tell her you're playing golf on a weekday. 490 00:21:03,388 --> 00:21:04,931 You'll be doing dishes all night. 491 00:21:05,014 --> 00:21:07,183 Good call. Thank you, my man. 492 00:21:07,267 --> 00:21:09,269 Hey, honey. What's up? 493 00:21:09,352 --> 00:21:10,937 Oh, not much. 494 00:21:11,020 --> 00:21:13,440 Just, uh, in a meeting. 495 00:21:13,523 --> 00:21:15,942 You know, working hard, bringing home the bacon. 496 00:21:16,025 --> 00:21:17,610 No, he's not! He's playing golf! 497 00:21:17,735 --> 00:21:19,404 Fore! No.[Chuches] 498 00:21:19,487 --> 00:21:21,114 Nice putt! 499 00:21:21,197 --> 00:21:23,741 Why you lying to your wife, Dunphy? Huh? 500 00:21:23,825 --> 00:21:25,660 Hey, he had a beer at lunch too! 501 00:21:25,743 --> 00:21:27,287 What is wrong with you? 502 00:21:27,370 --> 00:21:30,665 You just got thorpedoed! Come back here.