1 00:00:03,212 --> 00:00:04,589 Shh! I didn't say anything. 2 00:00:04,714 --> 00:00:06,215 Stop talking. That's talking. 3 00:00:06,340 --> 00:00:09,069 You think she's asleep yet? I'm on the same side of the door as you are. 4 00:00:09,093 --> 00:00:10,303 Stop talking. Cam. 5 00:00:10,386 --> 00:00:12,471 Lily lost her first tooth today, 6 00:00:12,555 --> 00:00:15,183 and she's very excited about a visit from the tooth fairy. 7 00:00:15,266 --> 00:00:17,101 When I had my first loose tooth... 8 00:00:17,226 --> 00:00:19,979 [ Mouths word ] My mama tied one end of a string to it... 9 00:00:20,062 --> 00:00:21,862 And the other to the tail of a Guernsey cow... 10 00:00:21,981 --> 00:00:23,741 [ Mouths word ] Fired off a 12-Gauge shotgun, 11 00:00:23,858 --> 00:00:26,235 and the cow went runnin' out of the room. Thatneverhappened. 12 00:00:26,319 --> 00:00:28,696 Tell that to the cow-shaped hole in my bedroom wall. 13 00:00:29,822 --> 00:00:31,324 Shh. 14 00:00:37,622 --> 00:00:39,290 - Gotcha! - [Cameron ] Oh! 15 00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:42,210 What are you doing here? You're not the tooth fairy. 16 00:00:42,293 --> 00:00:45,338 N-No. But we just wanted to see if she'd come yet. 17 00:00:45,421 --> 00:00:48,007 No. She sure is taking her sweet time. 18 00:00:48,090 --> 00:00:51,260 Maybe you should just go back to sleep, sweetie, 'cause it could take a while. 19 00:00:51,344 --> 00:00:55,223 [ Sighs ] I've got nowhere to be. 20 00:00:55,848 --> 00:00:57,767 Y hey, heyy 21 00:00:57,850 --> 00:00:59,769 y hey, heyy 22 00:00:59,852 --> 00:01:01,896 y hey, heyy 23 00:01:01,979 --> 00:01:03,731 y hey, heyy 24 00:01:03,814 --> 00:01:05,191 j hey j'j' 25 00:01:07,526 --> 00:01:10,863 mom, I can't be late today. Sanjay patel and I are dissecting a pig. 26 00:01:10,947 --> 00:01:13,699 - So sad what passes for a date in your life. - Haley. 27 00:01:13,783 --> 00:01:15,802 He keeps asking me to hand him all of the instruments. 28 00:01:15,826 --> 00:01:17,328 He wants me to act like a nurse. 29 00:01:17,411 --> 00:01:19,051 Now it sounds like a date in Haley's life. 30 00:01:19,163 --> 00:01:20,873 Luke! Okay, before you say no... 31 00:01:20,998 --> 00:01:22,458 You haven't even seen it yet. No. 32 00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:24,645 Mmm, I'm sticking with “no.” it's for Luke's career day. 33 00:01:24,669 --> 00:01:27,189 I thought I'd offer the kids a chance to put their face on my body. 34 00:01:27,213 --> 00:01:29,423 - [All ] Ew! - [ Phil ] Ew. I just heard it too. 35 00:01:29,507 --> 00:01:31,107 How come you guys never had a career day? 36 00:01:31,175 --> 00:01:32,510 Cutbacks. Nor'easter. 37 00:01:33,761 --> 00:01:37,098 Today I get to talk about the love of my life. 38 00:01:37,181 --> 00:01:38,933 Residential real estate. 39 00:01:39,058 --> 00:01:41,036 He really doesn't hear it. I wanna make Luke proud. 40 00:01:41,060 --> 00:01:42,770 I wanna be his hero like my dad was... 41 00:01:42,853 --> 00:01:45,398 When he talked to my class about running a grocery store. 42 00:01:45,481 --> 00:01:47,942 He came in with two price guns in holsters... 43 00:01:48,025 --> 00:01:50,987 And marked our teacher at $1.29 before she knew what hit her. 44 00:01:51,070 --> 00:01:53,030 I bet that produced a lot of laughs. 45 00:01:53,155 --> 00:01:55,241 Claire, please. [ Chuckles ] 46 00:01:55,324 --> 00:01:58,953 And Olivia berman's mom works in the rare books department at the library. 47 00:01:59,036 --> 00:02:00,788 Hope I get a chance to pick that brain. 48 00:02:00,871 --> 00:02:02,873 Looks like you got quite the career day lineup. 49 00:02:02,957 --> 00:02:05,626 So I guess they already got a closet guy coming in, huh? 50 00:02:05,710 --> 00:02:07,169 No. I didn't think you'd wanna do it. 51 00:02:07,253 --> 00:02:09,755 I don't, but I just feel bad for the kids. 52 00:02:09,839 --> 00:02:11,679 A lot of interesting stories in the closet biz. 53 00:02:11,716 --> 00:02:13,467 Oh. Why have you never told us any? 54 00:02:13,551 --> 00:02:17,263 Okay. Well, for example, there was this guy. 55 00:02:17,388 --> 00:02:19,807 Yes? Must have had over 100 hats. 56 00:02:19,890 --> 00:02:21,517 And we had to fit them in the closet. 57 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,436 Okay. 58 00:02:23,519 --> 00:02:25,563 And we did. 59 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:30,544 All right. Maybe it's not the most exciting career in the world, but it pays the bills. 60 00:02:30,568 --> 00:02:33,571 No one is complaining. Were there other things I'd rather do? Yes. 61 00:02:33,696 --> 00:02:36,198 But I had to make ends meet. What other things? 62 00:02:36,282 --> 00:02:37,742 I always wanted to write thrillers. 63 00:02:37,867 --> 00:02:39,702 Like that hat story? Spy thrillers. 64 00:02:39,785 --> 00:02:41,345 I've been kicking around this character, 65 00:02:41,370 --> 00:02:43,622 CIA. Agent Chuck stone, who doesn't care... 66 00:02:43,706 --> 00:02:46,125 How much his antics annoy the brass in Arlington. 67 00:02:46,208 --> 00:02:49,128 - Why didn't you ever try it? - I was busy with work and family. 68 00:02:49,211 --> 00:02:50,963 I was gonna start writing after my divorce, 69 00:02:51,047 --> 00:02:54,008 but, you know, life got in the way. 70 00:02:54,091 --> 00:02:56,677 Why do you point at me when you say “life”? Am I “life”? 71 00:02:56,802 --> 00:02:59,764 I meant you keep me busy. You had a three-hour nap on Sunday. 72 00:02:59,889 --> 00:03:01,349 I was tired. From what? 73 00:03:01,432 --> 00:03:04,018 Your two-hour nap on Saturday? 74 00:03:04,101 --> 00:03:05,728 Jay, I've been with you for five years, 75 00:03:05,811 --> 00:03:08,064 and I've never heard you mention anything about writing. 76 00:03:08,147 --> 00:03:09,940 Hey, I bought a typewriter. 77 00:03:10,024 --> 00:03:12,151 A typewriter? 78 00:03:12,234 --> 00:03:14,487 [ Gasps ] When is your book signing? 79 00:03:14,570 --> 00:03:16,238 1975? 80 00:03:16,322 --> 00:03:17,823 It's a hell of a character. 81 00:03:17,907 --> 00:03:20,993 They taught him how to kill, but he never learned to love. 82 00:03:21,118 --> 00:03:23,245 No, no, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. Okay. 83 00:03:23,329 --> 00:03:25,873 Daddies! Daddies! The tooth fairy came. 84 00:03:25,998 --> 00:03:28,918 What? No way! Oh, that's so exciting! 85 00:03:29,001 --> 00:03:31,962 - What'd she bring you? - Well... 86 00:03:33,589 --> 00:03:35,049 Oh! Fairy dust. Ah. 87 00:03:35,132 --> 00:03:36,634 Nice touch. My gosh, it's a lot. 88 00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:38,469 - Uh-huh. - Some stickers. 89 00:03:38,594 --> 00:03:39,845 Oh! Ah! 90 00:03:39,929 --> 00:03:43,307 - A toothbrush. - [ Both ] Ooh! 91 00:03:43,391 --> 00:03:44,934 And a hundred dollar bill! 92 00:03:45,059 --> 00:03:47,269 What? Come on. Okay. Wow! Look at that. 93 00:03:47,353 --> 00:03:48,938 I love the tooth fairy. 94 00:03:49,021 --> 00:03:51,649 The tooth fairy gave our daughter $100. 95 00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:54,944 Does she not know that the going rate for a tooth is five at the most? 96 00:03:55,027 --> 00:03:57,571 Well, obviously, the tooth fairy made a mistake. 97 00:03:57,655 --> 00:03:59,925 Maybe it's 'cause the tooth fairy had too much chardonnay last night. 98 00:03:59,949 --> 00:04:01,802 I think the tooth fairy can handle the chardonnay. 99 00:04:01,826 --> 00:04:04,096 What I don't think she can handle is criticizing someone... 100 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,247 Who made an honest mistake in the dark of the night. 101 00:04:06,330 --> 00:04:08,124 I'm gonna put this in my clutch. 102 00:04:08,207 --> 00:04:10,751 I can't wait to tell everyone at school. 103 00:04:10,835 --> 00:04:12,420 [ Mitchell mutters] 104 00:04:12,503 --> 00:04:14,439 Okay, we cannot be the parents of a six-year-old... 105 00:04:14,463 --> 00:04:16,343 Who gets a hundred dollars from the tooth fairy. 106 00:04:16,382 --> 00:04:18,944 It's bad enough we're the parents of a six-year-old with a clutch. 107 00:04:18,968 --> 00:04:22,179 You know, that bag transitions from day to night seamlessly, 108 00:04:22,263 --> 00:04:24,491 and I no longer have to carry crayons in my front pocket. 109 00:04:24,515 --> 00:04:26,183 Can't have this argument again! 110 00:04:26,267 --> 00:04:30,729 Thank you, Dr. Ann, for showing us how exciting and surprising... 111 00:04:30,813 --> 00:04:33,190 A real live therapy session can be. 112 00:04:33,274 --> 00:04:35,401 I will hold on to this card. [ Chuckles ] 113 00:04:35,484 --> 00:04:38,279 Next up, we have Luke's dad, Mr. Dunphy. 114 00:04:38,362 --> 00:04:39,780 [ Chuckles ] Hey. 115 00:04:39,905 --> 00:04:41,907 Thank you. [ Chuckles ] Mm-hmm. 116 00:04:41,991 --> 00:04:44,743 Guess what. I've been in your house when you weren't home. 117 00:04:44,827 --> 00:04:48,414 And yours. And yours. 118 00:04:48,497 --> 00:04:51,459 No, I'm not a burglar. [ Laughs] I'm a realtor. 119 00:04:51,542 --> 00:04:53,794 Hey-oh! Hey, sorry I'm late! 120 00:04:53,878 --> 00:04:55,921 I just sold another mansion. [Laughs] 121 00:04:56,005 --> 00:04:57,465 How you doin', honey? 122 00:04:57,548 --> 00:04:59,192 [ Phi/j h/slo/y is full of great rive/fies. 123 00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:01,260 Athens and sparta, kerrigan and Harding, 124 00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:03,929 Phil Dunphy and Gil thorpe. 125 00:05:04,013 --> 00:05:07,141 In this scenario, he's the Tonya, I'm the Nancy. 126 00:05:07,224 --> 00:05:11,604 Pay attention, kids. You're about to hear from the number-four realtor in town. 127 00:05:11,729 --> 00:05:13,898 [ Laughs, mouths words] [ Phil ] Anyway, uh... 128 00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:16,192 I'm not gonna bore you guys with a lecture. 129 00:05:16,275 --> 00:05:19,737 Instead, I'd like you to watch as I converse with a young man... 130 00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:23,199 Who's wondering what to do with his life. 131 00:05:23,324 --> 00:05:25,493 Gr [ Rock on headphones ] hey, kid. 132 00:05:25,576 --> 00:05:28,370 Hey, kid, up here! Up here! 133 00:05:28,454 --> 00:05:30,164 Yo, dude! Whassup? 134 00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:32,958 I'll tell you what's up. I'm interested in helping you... 135 00:05:33,042 --> 00:05:35,336 By telling you all about a career in real estate. 136 00:05:35,419 --> 00:05:38,255 Real estate? Isn't that/us! Buying and selling houses? 137 00:05:38,339 --> 00:05:41,008 I don't ha ve time for that. Epic fail. 138 00:05:41,091 --> 00:05:43,928 [Laughs] Sounds like we need to start at the beginning. 139 00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:46,805 You see, real estate is about people. 140 00:05:46,889 --> 00:05:48,933 [ Scott's ] 141 00:05:49,058 --> 00:05:51,018 People? I couldn't agree more, Phil. 142 00:05:51,101 --> 00:05:53,497 Best part of ourjob is putting the right person in the right home. 143 00:05:53,521 --> 00:05:54,761 Gil. Matter of fact, last week, 144 00:05:54,813 --> 00:05:57,691 I put a “Spanish” couple into a Spanish home. Gil. 145 00:05:57,775 --> 00:05:59,336 A world without houses? That's cra y cra y 146 00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:01,153 okay. Okay. Phil. I'm sorry. 147 00:06:01,237 --> 00:06:04,549 I didn't mean to screw up your little show. I know timing is critical on these things. 148 00:06:04,573 --> 00:06:06,176 Gil, please. Believe me, the last thing I... 149 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:09,495 Wow! You sold a house to the channel 7 weatherman? 150 00:06:09,578 --> 00:06:12,665 No. No! But I did sell one to Kobe Bryant. 151 00:06:12,790 --> 00:06:15,626 [ Exclaims] Guess what. He's not talking to you. He's talking to me. 152 00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:17,378 And I have a very funny story actually. 153 00:06:17,503 --> 00:06:18,963 [Laughs] A guy walks into— no. 154 00:06:19,088 --> 00:06:21,632 Hwfislmanbus no! Lhaventtowifi 155 00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:24,343 okay, um— oh! 156 00:06:24,468 --> 00:06:27,972 Great throw. You were right. 157 00:06:28,097 --> 00:06:29,890 It is in my court. Ball's in your court! 158 00:06:29,974 --> 00:06:32,309 And guess what. It was me the whole time. 159 00:06:32,434 --> 00:06:35,437 , r, r [ Instrumental] [ Gasps ] what? 160 00:06:35,521 --> 00:06:37,082 - [ Scattered applause ] - Come on, kids. Come on! 161 00:06:37,106 --> 00:06:40,734 Give it up! Give it up! He tried. 162 00:06:40,818 --> 00:06:42,861 I think we all know what you were going for. 163 00:06:42,945 --> 00:06:44,965 But I'm lookin' out here, and I'm seein' some hungry kids. 164 00:06:44,989 --> 00:06:48,659 Am I right? That's why I brought plenty of... Gil pickles! 165 00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:50,622 Who wants a Gil pickle? Come on. Let me see 'em. 166 00:06:50,661 --> 00:06:52,121 All right. Come on. Grab one. 167 00:06:52,204 --> 00:06:54,081 Gil pickles. 168 00:06:54,164 --> 00:06:55,833 [ Sighs ] Genius. 169 00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:58,627 So much better than my phillow cases. 170 00:06:58,711 --> 00:07:02,006 - Claire wasn't a fan. - One of him in bed is more than enough. 171 00:07:02,131 --> 00:07:04,675 [ Chuckles ] You hear that, ladies? 172 00:07:09,263 --> 00:07:11,390 All right. Just hit “send.” [ Beeps, swooshes] 173 00:07:11,473 --> 00:07:13,392 Hey, you just sold a house! [Laughs] 174 00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:15,704 And you're gonna be chasin' that high for the rest of your life. 175 00:07:15,728 --> 00:07:18,439 Give her a round of applause, everybody. She just sold a house. 176 00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:21,859 I want to thank you kids for having me here today. 177 00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:24,987 And remember the three rules of real estate: Thorpe, thorpe, thorpe! 178 00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:28,073 [ Laughs] Okay. [ Chuckles I thank you, Mr. Thorpe. 179 00:07:28,157 --> 00:07:30,284 It turns out we have a little extra time. 180 00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:32,077 Uh, Mrs. Dunphy? Yes. 181 00:07:32,161 --> 00:07:34,001 I'm sure the class would love to hear from you. 182 00:07:34,038 --> 00:07:36,165 Oh, no. I just came in to help my husband. I'm a... 183 00:07:36,248 --> 00:07:39,668 - I'm a stay-at-home mom. - I know. And that's a very importantjob. 184 00:07:39,752 --> 00:07:41,712 It is. Uh, yeah. 185 00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:43,839 I can— I can do this for a minute. 186 00:07:43,922 --> 00:07:45,966 Um, stay-at-home mom. 187 00:07:46,050 --> 00:07:49,261 Uh, what that means is I actually have a whole bunch of different jobs. 188 00:07:49,345 --> 00:07:51,472 I am a chauffeur, a chef, 189 00:07:51,555 --> 00:07:54,308 uh, a house manager, a nurse. 190 00:07:54,391 --> 00:07:56,060 Is it what you always wanted to do? 191 00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:58,228 No. Not exactly. 192 00:07:58,312 --> 00:08:00,648 Uh, I went to college to study marketing, 193 00:08:00,731 --> 00:08:03,484 and I worked at one of those big hotel companies. 194 00:08:03,567 --> 00:08:06,820 But when my kids came along, I just wanted to be there. 195 00:08:06,904 --> 00:08:09,823 You know, wipe their noses and change their diapers... 196 00:08:09,948 --> 00:08:11,825 And tuck 'em in at night. [ Luke ] Mom! 197 00:08:11,909 --> 00:08:14,953 For the record, I do all my own wiping. 198 00:08:15,037 --> 00:08:17,474 - So why haven't you gone back to work? - I've done a few things lately. 199 00:08:17,498 --> 00:08:18,999 I just redid a house, 200 00:08:19,083 --> 00:08:21,794 and I ran for city council last year. 201 00:08:21,877 --> 00:08:24,004 - You're on the city council? - No. I— I didn't win. 202 00:08:24,088 --> 00:08:26,548 - You lost. - That's what “didn't win” means. 203 00:08:26,632 --> 00:08:29,843 I thought I would be going back to work when the kids got older, 204 00:08:29,927 --> 00:08:32,805 but it— it's not as easy as you might think. 205 00:08:32,888 --> 00:08:35,450 People aren't exactly lining up to hire a woman who's almost 40... 206 00:08:35,474 --> 00:08:37,601 And has been out of the job market for 15 years. 207 00:08:37,685 --> 00:08:40,229 - I thought you were 42. - That's almost 40, Luke. 208 00:08:40,312 --> 00:08:42,481 My mom went back to work when I was four. 209 00:08:42,564 --> 00:08:45,644 - So there was no one at home to teach you not to interrupt. - Okay! Hey, hey! 210 00:08:45,693 --> 00:08:49,279 - Let me tell ya something. Stay-at-home moms are heroes. - Yeah. 211 00:08:49,405 --> 00:08:51,699 They're the backbone of this country. Thanks, Gil. 212 00:08:51,782 --> 00:08:54,142 If I had to do that job, I'd probably drink myself to death. 213 00:08:54,201 --> 00:08:55,369 (3h! Honestly. 214 00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:56,971 Hey, let's give her a round of applause, everybody. 215 00:08:56,995 --> 00:08:58,622 Come on! [ Scattered applause ] 216 00:08:58,706 --> 00:09:00,708 Oh, you can do better than that. Let me hear ya! 217 00:09:00,791 --> 00:09:03,711 All right! All right! All right, class dismissed. Get out of here! 218 00:09:03,794 --> 00:09:06,213 No! No, no, no! [Chuckles] 219 00:09:06,296 --> 00:09:08,632 We have— guys, we have three more hours. 220 00:09:11,677 --> 00:09:13,554 Here. My old typewriter. 221 00:09:13,637 --> 00:09:15,597 You said you want to write. Write. 222 00:09:15,681 --> 00:09:18,100 Now? I've got a busy day. 223 00:09:18,183 --> 00:09:20,495 I already called your office and told them that you can't come in... 224 00:09:20,519 --> 00:09:24,690 To walk around for 20 minutes saying to everyone, “what's up, sport?” 225 00:09:24,773 --> 00:09:27,776 I know this is your subtle little way of saying you don't think I can do it. 226 00:09:27,860 --> 00:09:30,320 No. It's life getting out of the way. 227 00:09:30,404 --> 00:09:33,466 Fine. I'm gonna take you up on your little challenge, but you should know this: 228 00:09:33,490 --> 00:09:36,160 This behavior of yours is not gonna fiy when you lose your looks. 229 00:09:37,828 --> 00:09:39,955 You're gonna be long gone by then. 230 00:09:45,836 --> 00:09:47,504 Hey! Dunphy. [ Mutters] 231 00:09:47,588 --> 00:09:49,465 Yeah? Oh. You okay? 232 00:09:49,590 --> 00:09:52,801 I'm fine, fine. Don't let that little smart-ass bother ya, all right? 233 00:09:52,885 --> 00:09:55,304 Have you seen her mother? Does not age well. 234 00:09:55,387 --> 00:09:58,056 [ Chuckles ] Well, um, thanks for rescuing me in there. 235 00:09:58,140 --> 00:10:00,267 And tell Phil I'm sorry if I threw him off in there. 236 00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:02,620 I probably should learn just to keep my big blowhole shut. 237 00:10:02,644 --> 00:10:05,939 Actually, it went a little better than it did in rehearsal, to be honest, 238 00:10:06,064 --> 00:10:08,275 but I will tell him what you said. All right. 239 00:10:08,358 --> 00:10:10,235 Your little meltdown in there got me thinking. 240 00:10:10,319 --> 00:10:12,488 I'm building a retail office development, 241 00:10:12,571 --> 00:10:15,574 and I could use a liaison to work with the planning commission. 242 00:10:15,699 --> 00:10:17,910 Are you offering me a job? Well, yeah. 243 00:10:17,993 --> 00:10:20,913 You know people in city hall, and you did a hell of a job on that fiip. 244 00:10:20,996 --> 00:10:24,036 And for the safety of you and your family, I gotta get you out of that house. 245 00:10:24,082 --> 00:10:26,960 But you and Phil are competitors. It— not on this. 246 00:10:27,044 --> 00:10:29,296 Look, if this works out, everybody's gonna win, 247 00:10:29,421 --> 00:10:31,816 except for that tropical fish store we're bootin' outta there. Mmm. 248 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:33,560 I don't feel bad about that at all. [Laughs] 249 00:10:33,634 --> 00:10:36,220 Can I take a couple of days to think about it? Yeah, yeah. 250 00:10:36,303 --> 00:10:38,698 Take your time. No pressure. And when you're ready, just give me a call. 251 00:10:38,722 --> 00:10:40,224 Okay. Number's on the stick. 252 00:10:40,307 --> 00:10:42,851 Great. Oh, yeah. Okay. Gil pickle! 253 00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:45,896 See ya! Thorpe! Thorpe! Thorpe! Thorpe. Thorpe. Thorpe. 254 00:10:48,649 --> 00:10:53,821 Look what just came in the mail. A letter addressed to you, Lily. 255 00:10:53,904 --> 00:10:56,740 - Really? I don't get much mail. - [ Mitchell ] Let's see here. 256 00:10:56,824 --> 00:10:58,450 Uh, yeah. Oh, the tooth fairy. 257 00:10:58,575 --> 00:11:03,997 1 tooth fairy Lane, tooth city, tooth Dakota. Mm-hmm. 258 00:11:04,081 --> 00:11:05,916 I hope it's another hundred dollars. 259 00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:08,293 Oh. Well, lookee there. Glitter! 260 00:11:08,418 --> 00:11:10,980 [ Giggles ] I guess the tooth fairy doesn't have to worry about vacuuming. 261 00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:16,552 “Dear Lily, I'm writing because I made a mistake and gave you too much money.” 262 00:11:18,095 --> 00:11:20,764 “Please leave the hundred dollars under your pillow tonight, 263 00:11:20,848 --> 00:11:23,058 and I'll give you a dollar. 264 00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:25,352 Sorry if that bites.” oh. [Laughs] 265 00:11:25,435 --> 00:11:28,063 Let me see that. 266 00:11:28,146 --> 00:11:29,648 I can't read. 267 00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:32,818 Uh, well, it sounds like she's really in a jam. 268 00:11:32,901 --> 00:11:35,981 And I think we're gonna have to give the tooth fairy her hundred dollars back. 269 00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:38,699 - Mm-hmm. - No! I wanna keep it. 270 00:11:41,493 --> 00:11:44,055 I'm scared that she's gonna be the one taking care of us when we're older. 271 00:11:44,079 --> 00:11:45,079 Yeah. 272 00:11:45,122 --> 00:11:47,541 [Typing ] [ Thinking] Chuck stone, 273 00:11:47,624 --> 00:11:50,544 6 foot 3 inches of steely-e yed determination, 274 00:11:50,627 --> 00:11:53,088 sat at the interrogation table. 275 00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:55,507 [ Grunts ] His mind was a blank. 276 00:11:55,591 --> 00:11:59,803 [ Clicking ] A complete blank. 277 00:11:59,887 --> 00:12:03,724 He literally could not think of one single, solitary thing. 278 00:12:03,807 --> 00:12:06,226 Then he noticed a spot. [ Bell dings ] 279 00:12:06,310 --> 00:12:09,980 - It looked like syrup left 0 ver from breakfast— - I sprays I 280 00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:11,815 which made him realize it was lunchtime. 281 00:12:11,899 --> 00:12:13,734 Bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich... 282 00:12:13,817 --> 00:12:15,694 Or b. L. 7'., as Chuck stone called it... 283 00:12:15,777 --> 00:12:18,071 Would really hit the spot. 284 00:12:18,155 --> 00:12:20,824 The secret, Chuck realized, was real mayonnaise. 285 00:12:20,949 --> 00:12:23,619 Mmm. Not that healthy crap his wife kept buying for their son. 286 00:12:23,702 --> 00:12:24,786 Damn it! 287 00:12:24,870 --> 00:12:28,123 I mean, what's the point of t-t-t-t-t-t-t? 288 00:12:28,206 --> 00:12:31,084 “Tea for two. Two for tea.” 289 00:12:31,168 --> 00:12:33,253 It only gets worse from here. 290 00:12:33,337 --> 00:12:37,007 You can't be serious. Gil thorpe is my Nemesis! 291 00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:39,134 I hate to break it to you, but you're not Batman. 292 00:12:39,217 --> 00:12:42,721 Trust me. Gil is a snake, and he's found the perfect way to mess with me. 293 00:12:42,804 --> 00:12:46,725 Did it ever occur to you that he was hiring me because of— I don't know— me? 294 00:12:46,808 --> 00:12:48,602 Are you kidding? What's your last name? 295 00:12:48,685 --> 00:12:50,687 Right now? 296 00:12:50,771 --> 00:12:54,149 I'm sorry, Claire. I hate to do this, but I have to use my veto. 297 00:12:54,232 --> 00:12:57,861 - Veto? Oh, you don't get any vetoes. - You veto me all the time. 298 00:12:57,945 --> 00:13:00,322 - 'Cause you have dumb ideas. - Name one. 299 00:13:00,405 --> 00:13:02,366 That went on for a while. 300 00:13:02,449 --> 00:13:05,577 And let's not forget shower snacks. 301 00:13:05,661 --> 00:13:09,081 I can't be the only one who gets hungry in there! 302 00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:15,629 [ Door closes ] Hey, Jay. My mom said you were writing a book. 303 00:13:15,712 --> 00:13:17,589 That's fantastic. Uh-huh. 304 00:13:17,673 --> 00:13:19,925 By the way, career day was a little weird. 305 00:13:20,008 --> 00:13:22,862 I think Claire's going through some pretty dark stuff, and you might want to check... 306 00:13:22,886 --> 00:13:25,031 Enough chitchat. I've gotta get a character out of a bind. 307 00:13:25,055 --> 00:13:28,475 - Ooh. What did he do? - He told his wife he could write a book. 308 00:13:28,558 --> 00:13:31,520 Don't give up, Jay. Self-doubt is part of the process. 309 00:13:31,603 --> 00:13:34,398 You can't be a good writer without being critical of your own work. 310 00:13:35,607 --> 00:13:38,944 Hmm. Huh. What? 311 00:13:39,069 --> 00:13:42,364 I'm racking my brain for a compliment here. I know. It stinks. 312 00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:45,325 And your mom's gonna rub it in my face pretty good. Okay. 313 00:13:45,409 --> 00:13:47,536 Why is Chuck stone interrogating this guy? 314 00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:49,663 He needs the codes. If he doesn't get 'em, 315 00:13:49,746 --> 00:13:52,850 the international space station's gonna crash into Times Square on new year's Eve. 316 00:13:52,874 --> 00:13:55,395 - So he's short of time. - Got about two minutes. He's desperate. 317 00:13:55,419 --> 00:13:57,170 How about this? 318 00:13:57,254 --> 00:13:59,923 “Chuck stone smiled and lit a cigarette, 319 00:14:00,007 --> 00:14:02,092 as if he had all the time in the world, 320 00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:04,678 when in fact, the world was about to end.” 321 00:14:04,761 --> 00:14:06,263 Holy crap. What happens next? 322 00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:07,597 Move over. I'll type. 323 00:14:15,105 --> 00:14:17,107 Some coffee would be great. Thanks. 324 00:14:20,986 --> 00:14:23,113 I don't understand why we don't just go in there, 325 00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:25,133 we tell her we're taking the money, and that's that. 326 00:14:25,157 --> 00:14:28,577 Because this is a teaching moment, and we want her to want to give the money back. 327 00:14:28,660 --> 00:14:30,260 I'm just really worried we're becoming... 328 00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:32,914 Those overindulgent parents right now. Don't be silly. 329 00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:34,791 Okay, you ready, tooth fairy? [ Exhales] 330 00:14:34,875 --> 00:14:37,419 - Let's do this. - All right. 331 00:14:44,259 --> 00:14:47,220 Lily, look who came to say hi! 332 00:14:47,304 --> 00:14:50,265 [ Squeaky voice ] It's me, the tooth fairy. 333 00:14:50,348 --> 00:14:53,518 And I've come to ask you for a favor! 334 00:14:53,602 --> 00:14:55,979 Are you really the tooth fairy? 335 00:14:56,063 --> 00:14:58,565 Why, yes, I am. Look at my wings! 336 00:14:58,648 --> 00:15:01,777 Can you fly? I wanna see you fly. 337 00:15:01,902 --> 00:15:06,782 Vveh, icantfightnown because— um— well, because... 338 00:15:06,907 --> 00:15:10,619 Because the tooth fairy's too sad to fly— [whimpers ] 339 00:15:10,702 --> 00:15:13,955 Because she made a mistake that only you can make better. 340 00:15:14,039 --> 00:15:15,707 Is this about the money again? 341 00:15:15,791 --> 00:15:17,751 Well, yes, it is. 342 00:15:17,834 --> 00:15:21,755 I need enough for all the other children's tooths. 343 00:15:21,838 --> 00:15:23,423 Teeth. Wait a minute. 344 00:15:23,507 --> 00:15:26,384 You're not the tooth fairy. You're Haley. 345 00:15:26,468 --> 00:15:28,261 No! I am the tooth fairy! 346 00:15:28,345 --> 00:15:29,930 Look! Fairy dust! 347 00:15:30,013 --> 00:15:31,765 There's that glitter. 348 00:15:31,848 --> 00:15:34,267 Why did you lie? You said lying was wrong. 349 00:15:34,351 --> 00:15:38,939 We also said that when someone is in trouble, you help them. 350 00:15:39,022 --> 00:15:40,607 How do I know you weren't lying? 351 00:15:40,690 --> 00:15:43,110 She is good. All right, Lily, this is ridiculous. 352 00:15:43,193 --> 00:15:45,320 All right, the tooth fairy has made a mistake. 353 00:15:45,403 --> 00:15:48,490 You need to put the $100 under the pillow, and that is the end of the story. 354 00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:51,743 Because you believe it's the right thing to do, don't you? Yes. 355 00:15:51,827 --> 00:15:54,079 But I wanna buy a scooter. 356 00:15:54,162 --> 00:15:56,248 That's what I'd do. 357 00:15:56,331 --> 00:16:00,919 I mean, who cares what Santa thinks, right? 358 00:16:01,044 --> 00:16:04,089 Santa? Well, he sees everything, 359 00:16:04,172 --> 00:16:06,508 and this will probably put you on the “naughty” list. 360 00:16:06,591 --> 00:16:09,511 But who needs presents every year? 361 00:16:09,594 --> 00:16:12,013 You've got a hundred dollars. 362 00:16:12,097 --> 00:16:15,183 You can ride around that empty Christmas tree until you're an old lady. 363 00:16:15,267 --> 00:16:17,936 Can I have some time to think about it? 364 00:16:18,061 --> 00:16:19,813 You don't need any— Of course, sweetie. 365 00:16:19,896 --> 00:16:20,897 Yeah. Okay. 366 00:16:24,234 --> 00:16:26,027 Haley? Okay, that was brilliant. 367 00:16:26,111 --> 00:16:28,280 Thanks. Oh, also, can I borrow this? 368 00:16:28,363 --> 00:16:30,407 - Why? - I'd rather not say. 369 00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:33,577 You know, after I put on the wig, 370 00:16:33,660 --> 00:16:35,787 I just— I felt like the character. 371 00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:37,414 [ Phone rings ] Hang on. 372 00:16:37,539 --> 00:16:39,725 Yello? [ Gil] Quick question. Am / talking to live Phil... 373 00:16:39,749 --> 00:16:41,585 Or video Phil? [Laughs ] 374 00:16:41,710 --> 00:16:45,070 What do you want, Gil? I just wanna make sure it's okay that your wife calls me boss. 375 00:16:45,172 --> 00:16:47,215 Good-bye. Oh, hold on. Hold on. 376 00:16:47,299 --> 00:16:50,802 I'm just messing with ya. Although I do think your wife's gonna enjoy being under me. 377 00:16:50,927 --> 00:16:54,264 My son is in the car. Hey, superstar! What's up? 378 00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:57,160 Listen, any time you wanna swing by the beach house, I'll be glad to show ya... 379 00:16:57,184 --> 00:17:00,478 How to throw a tight spiral like I did at Texas tech— booyah! 380 00:17:00,562 --> 00:17:02,522 Tommy! He already knows how to throw 381 00:17:02,647 --> 00:17:05,066 yeah, my gay uncle cam taught me. I got this. 382 00:17:05,150 --> 00:17:07,402 This was between us. You don't bring family into it. 383 00:17:07,485 --> 00:17:09,279 Low blow getting Claire's hopes up. 384 00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:12,866 Hey, I'm not getting her hopes up. This is a real job with real bennies. 385 00:17:12,949 --> 00:17:15,535 One of which is I get to tell you what I'm thinking... 386 00:17:15,619 --> 00:17:17,204 Whenever she leans over my desk! 387 00:17:17,287 --> 00:17:18,830 [ Cackles ] 388 00:17:18,914 --> 00:17:21,416 Oh, I'm gonna have so much fun with this! Uh! 389 00:17:21,499 --> 00:17:23,210 Later, dunphbags! [Beeps] 390 00:17:23,335 --> 00:17:25,045 What a jerk. You know what? 391 00:17:25,128 --> 00:17:27,315 We're gonna tell your mom before she goes into business with this guy... 392 00:17:27,339 --> 00:17:30,342 He's gilty of being a thorpe in my side. 393 00:17:30,467 --> 00:17:33,178 Trying too hard. Yeah. 394 00:17:33,261 --> 00:17:36,181 - I typing I - [Gloria ] Hello! 395 00:17:36,264 --> 00:17:38,016 Move! Ow! 396 00:17:38,099 --> 00:17:39,893 You're fine. 397 00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:44,731 How was your first day of writing? 398 00:17:44,814 --> 00:17:46,650 Gloria, shh! Let me finish one thought. 399 00:17:48,151 --> 00:17:49,694 Got it. 400 00:17:49,778 --> 00:17:51,238 So you actually wrote something? 401 00:17:51,321 --> 00:17:54,324 It was slow going at first, but then the juices started fiowing. 402 00:17:54,449 --> 00:17:57,869 May I? Sure. Uh, if it helps, picture Tom berenger. 403 00:17:57,953 --> 00:17:59,496 I always do. 404 00:18:03,625 --> 00:18:05,085 [ Mutters] What? 405 00:18:05,168 --> 00:18:08,755 It's just this— this first sentence is a bit long. 406 00:18:08,838 --> 00:18:10,548 Long or dynamic? 407 00:18:10,632 --> 00:18:13,635 No, long and confusing. I can't tell who's talking. 408 00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:16,137 Maybe that's just to mimic the fog of battle. 409 00:18:16,221 --> 00:18:18,556 - Oh, okay. - [ Mouths word ] 410 00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:21,184 - Hmph. - What now? 411 00:18:21,268 --> 00:18:24,854 Just that... there were no cell phones in 1965. 412 00:18:24,980 --> 00:18:27,250 That's a mistake. I'm changing that. You can't change that. 413 00:18:27,274 --> 00:18:29,359 It comes back in the end— I-I presume. 414 00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:31,111 The point is, I can write. 415 00:18:31,194 --> 00:18:33,989 I probably won't pursue it, but it's a viable career option. 416 00:18:34,072 --> 00:18:37,325 The CIA. Had all sorts of top secret technology. 417 00:18:37,409 --> 00:18:39,011 Who's to say they didn't have cell phones? 418 00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:40,495 Manny, let it go. 419 00:18:40,578 --> 00:18:44,708 And this Chuck stone— he doesn't seem very good at his job. 420 00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:47,294 He's fiawed. That's what makes the character interesting. 421 00:18:47,377 --> 00:18:49,671 If you want someone perfect, put in a robot. 422 00:18:49,754 --> 00:18:53,174 [Gasps] A robot! I like a robot. 423 00:18:53,258 --> 00:18:57,220 No! You're not putting a robot in my story. That's right— my story. 424 00:18:59,514 --> 00:19:01,599 You must be very happy. 425 00:19:01,683 --> 00:19:05,353 I would be, but life got in the way. [ Chuckles ] 426 00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:07,188 [ Mouths word ] [ Footsteps receding ] 427 00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:11,901 - What are you doing? - I just got out my old briefcase. 428 00:19:11,985 --> 00:19:15,238 It's still capable of doing the job, just like me. 429 00:19:15,322 --> 00:19:16,922 Claire, you have to understand something. 430 00:19:16,948 --> 00:19:18,450 You have to understand something. 431 00:19:18,533 --> 00:19:21,494 I walked around all day on cloud nine because somebody valued me. 432 00:19:21,578 --> 00:19:23,830 I value you. We all value you. 433 00:19:23,913 --> 00:19:25,415 I know. Of course you do, 434 00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:28,001 because I cook and I clean and I pick up dirty undennear. 435 00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:29,544 No, honey, it's different than that. 436 00:19:29,627 --> 00:19:31,880 I have been on the sidelines for so long, 437 00:19:31,963 --> 00:19:35,050 I didn't know if anybody would ever think I have what it takes again. 438 00:19:35,133 --> 00:19:38,803 I know. Gil's not the greatest guy, but this is important. 439 00:19:38,887 --> 00:19:41,306 - And I think— - I think you should take the job. 440 00:19:41,431 --> 00:19:44,893 But, dad— no, Luke. She's right. 441 00:19:44,976 --> 00:19:46,770 Your mom's gonna be amazing at this. 442 00:19:51,191 --> 00:19:53,276 - I retract my veto. - You never had a veto. 443 00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:55,463 - Yes, I did. - No, you didn't, and I'll tell you why. 444 00:19:55,487 --> 00:19:58,156 And that went on for a while. 445 00:19:58,239 --> 00:20:02,452 - Lastly, this whole conversation would be happening in a yurt. - It's the perfect structure. 446 00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:04,996 I have to go take the shoulder pads out of all my old suits. 447 00:20:06,456 --> 00:20:08,083 You know he's gonna keep teasing you. 448 00:20:08,166 --> 00:20:10,627 If it makes your mom happy, I can handle a few phone calls. 449 00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:12,712 [Cell phone chimes] 450 00:20:13,296 --> 00:20:15,256 And texts. Wow! 451 00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:18,343 What does it say? [Voice breaks] Nothing I can't handle. 452 00:20:19,594 --> 00:20:21,930 [ Il/lann y ] ”we all weave a web of lies. 453 00:20:24,140 --> 00:20:27,060 Some we tell to try to help the ones we love. 454 00:20:32,315 --> 00:20:34,275 Some we tell to try to fool ourselves. 455 00:20:36,486 --> 00:20:38,071 And some we tell because, 456 00:20:38,154 --> 00:20:41,950 when you're out of bullets and staring down the barrel of a kalashnikov, 457 00:20:42,033 --> 00:20:44,869 the only weapon you've got left is guile.” 458 00:20:44,994 --> 00:20:48,832 She's nuts. That's fantastic. [ Sighs 1 459 00:20:52,001 --> 00:20:53,795 okay, guys, bring it in! 460 00:20:53,878 --> 00:20:55,856 Let's get this place shipshape before she gets home. 461 00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:59,050 I'm sure she had a big first day. Haley, I'm putting you on laundry. 462 00:20:59,134 --> 00:21:01,719 Alex, kitchen and vacuum. Luke, you're cleaning the bathroom. 463 00:21:01,803 --> 00:21:03,972 - [ Scoffs ] Why me? - Because you always mess it up. 464 00:21:04,055 --> 00:21:05,932 Yeah, why can't you pee straight? 465 00:21:06,057 --> 00:21:08,768 Hey, I'm doing a great job from that far back. Okay, guys. 466 00:21:08,852 --> 00:21:10,353 Team Dunphy on three. 467 00:21:10,437 --> 00:21:13,273 One, two— that's right. We got a lot to do! 468 00:21:14,482 --> 00:21:16,276 Honey, what are you doing home so early? 469 00:21:16,359 --> 00:21:18,570 I quit. That man is a complete pig. 470 00:21:18,653 --> 00:21:21,614 He treated me like a servant and showed me absolutely no respect. 471 00:21:21,698 --> 00:21:23,450 I'm so sorry. You deserve better than that. 472 00:21:23,533 --> 00:21:25,702 I do. [Sighs] Oh! 473 00:21:25,785 --> 00:21:27,954 So what's for dinner? 474 00:21:28,037 --> 00:21:30,415 I feel like you heard me wrong. I said, “what's for dinner?” 475 00:21:30,498 --> 00:21:31,499 I heard you!