1 00:00:02,335 --> 00:00:04,038 HI. HEY. EVENING, FOLKS. 2 00:00:04,072 --> 00:00:06,040 COME ON IN. HI. 3 00:00:06,073 --> 00:00:07,641 WAIT, WAIT! HANG ON, GUYS! WAIT! 4 00:00:07,674 --> 00:00:08,976 DON'T YOU NEED TO CHECK I.D.s? 5 00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:10,644 OH, YEAH. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. HUH? 6 00:00:10,678 --> 00:00:12,846 SORRY, WE DON'T OFFER A SENIOR DISCOUNT. 7 00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:14,013 NO. NO, IT'S NOT FOR ME, 8 00:00:14,048 --> 00:00:15,416 AND NOW I REALLY NEED A DRINK. 9 00:00:15,448 --> 00:00:17,050 GO ON, HONEY. SHOW HIM YOUR LICENSE. GO ON. 10 00:00:17,085 --> 00:00:19,053 PICTURE! OH? SOMEBODY 21 TODAY? 11 00:00:19,086 --> 00:00:20,853 YES. YES. MILITARY GAL. 12 00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:22,190 WELCOME, PRIVATE DORCHESTER. 13 00:00:22,222 --> 00:00:23,990 UH, OOPS. THAT IS THE WRONG ONE. 14 00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:25,359 I AM SO VERY SORRY. 15 00:00:25,393 --> 00:00:26,760 HOLD ON A SECOND. PUT THAT AWAY! 16 00:00:26,794 --> 00:00:28,196 Haley: YES, I'M A HUGE DORK 17 00:00:28,228 --> 00:00:30,597 FOR CELEBRATING MY 21st WITH MY FAMILY, 18 00:00:30,631 --> 00:00:34,201 BUT MY MOM WAS CRAZY EXCITED TO GO TO A BAR WITH ME. 19 00:00:34,234 --> 00:00:36,003 OR JUST TO GO TO A BAR. 20 00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:38,005 [ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ] AW, IT'S SO NICE WHAT YOU TWO ARE DOING. 21 00:00:38,037 --> 00:00:41,075 MY MOTHER WOULD HAVE NEVER TAKEN ME OUT FOR A DRINK. 22 00:00:41,109 --> 00:00:42,409 WHY? WAS SHE SUPER STRICT? 23 00:00:42,442 --> 00:00:45,045 NO, SHE WOULD NEVER SEE ME AS AN ADULT. 24 00:00:45,079 --> 00:00:47,881 WELL, EXCEPT WHEN THE POLICE CAME TO THE HOUSE. 25 00:00:47,914 --> 00:00:50,250 THEN, SHE WOULD BE LIKE, "GLORIA, YOU GO TALK TO THEM. 26 00:00:50,283 --> 00:00:53,052 "TELL THEM YOUR FATHER WAS HERE LAST NIGHT. 27 00:00:53,087 --> 00:00:55,722 BUT UNBUTTON YOUR SHIRT A LITTLE BIT FIRST." 28 00:00:55,756 --> 00:00:58,225 OKAY, UH, THE CRAZIEST THING I HEARD -- 29 00:00:58,259 --> 00:01:00,060 AND THERE IS SOME COMPETITION THERE -- 30 00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:02,929 IS THAT YOU THINK THIS LADY TREATS ME LIKE I'M AN ADULT. 31 00:01:02,963 --> 00:01:05,299 WAIT, I-I DO TREAT YOU LIKE AN ADULT. [ SCOFFS ] 32 00:01:05,332 --> 00:01:08,135 YOU MADE ME CHANGE MY SHIRT TWO TIMES BEFORE WE LEFT THE HOUSE 33 00:01:08,168 --> 00:01:09,302 AND FORCE-FED ME A CHEESE SANDWICH 34 00:01:09,337 --> 00:01:11,105 SO I WOULDN'T GET SLOPPY DRUNK. 35 00:01:11,138 --> 00:01:14,108 NO, THAT IS JUST ONE WOMAN OFFERING ANOTHER WOMAN, UH, 36 00:01:14,141 --> 00:01:17,076 FASHION TIPS AND ADVICE FOR CASUAL DRINKING. 37 00:01:17,111 --> 00:01:19,079 WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT FASHION? 38 00:01:19,112 --> 00:01:20,948 WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT CASUAL DRINKING? 39 00:01:20,980 --> 00:01:21,948 [ LAUGHS ] [ LAUGHS ] 40 00:01:21,981 --> 00:01:23,984 OKAY, OKAY. THAT'S FUNNY. 41 00:01:24,016 --> 00:01:25,585 SEE, I WOULDN'T HAVE LAUGHED 42 00:01:25,618 --> 00:01:26,954 AT THAT BEFORE 'CAUSE YOU WERE A KID, 43 00:01:26,986 --> 00:01:28,989 BUT NOW I'M GONNA LAUGH 'CAUSE IT'S FUNNY. 44 00:01:29,021 --> 00:01:30,057 [ LAUGHS ] 45 00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:33,060 HI. SORRY THAT TOOK SO LONG. HI. 46 00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:35,061 WE GOT TRAPPED BY THOSE BRIDESMAIDS OVER THERE. 47 00:01:35,094 --> 00:01:36,063 YEAH. HI. 48 00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:37,298 THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS 49 00:01:37,331 --> 00:01:39,098 WHEN YOU BRING GAY GUYS TO A STRAIGHT CLUB. 50 00:01:39,133 --> 00:01:41,935 WE'RE LIKE CATNIP TO DRUNKEN BACHELORETTE PARTY GIRLS. 51 00:01:41,968 --> 00:01:43,103 THE PROBLEM IS, THEY CAN GET A LITTLE BIT CLINGY. 52 00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:45,972 BUT DON'T WORRY, HALEY. WE ARE HERE FOR YOU TONIGHT. OHH. 53 00:01:46,006 --> 00:01:48,075 TO HALEY'S FIRST DRINK, HUH? SALUD. 54 00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:51,010 OKAY. YEAH. YEAH. 55 00:01:52,045 --> 00:01:54,281 OOH, IT BURNS. 56 00:01:54,314 --> 00:01:57,284 -- Captions by VITAC -- 57 00:01:57,317 --> 00:02:00,287 Captioning provided by 20th Century Fox Television and ABC, Inc. 58 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:03,356 and brought to you by Ford. Beautiful things happen when you go further. 59 00:02:03,391 --> 00:02:06,326 *** 60 00:02:07,161 --> 00:02:09,530 THANKS AGAIN FOR DRIVING ME, JAY. 61 00:02:09,562 --> 00:02:12,132 [ German accent ] YOU'VE ARRIVED AT YOUR DESTINATION. 62 00:02:12,165 --> 00:02:14,134 GET IT? 'CAUSE WE'RE IN A GERMAN CAR. 63 00:02:14,168 --> 00:02:15,134 [ CHUCKLES ] 64 00:02:15,169 --> 00:02:17,337 I HAVE LIVED A LONG, FULL LIFE. 65 00:02:17,371 --> 00:02:20,341 I WILL DRIVE US INTO A WALL. 66 00:02:20,373 --> 00:02:21,542 [ Normal voice ] TONIGHT, WHILE CLAIRE 67 00:02:21,574 --> 00:02:22,876 GETS THINGS STARTED AT THE BAR, 68 00:02:22,909 --> 00:02:25,278 JAY IS TAKING ME TO PICK UP HALEY'S BIRTHDAY PRESENT -- 69 00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:27,181 A NEW CAR! 70 00:02:27,215 --> 00:02:29,550 BILL SHOPPED AROUND, FOUND SOMETHING VERY SAFE 71 00:02:29,582 --> 00:02:31,985 AND LOW-MAINTENANCE WITH LOTS OF GOOD REVIEWS. 72 00:02:32,019 --> 00:02:33,986 TILL I MARRIED HER. [ LAUGHS ] 73 00:02:34,021 --> 00:02:36,156 I'M JOKING! YOU'RE NOT LOW-MAINTENANCE! 74 00:02:36,189 --> 00:02:38,558 [ LAUGHS ] 75 00:02:38,591 --> 00:02:40,627 I DOUBLED DOWN. OH, I HEARD YOU. 76 00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:42,195 ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT ME TO GO IN WITH YOU, 77 00:02:42,229 --> 00:02:45,399 YOU KNOW, MAYBE HAMMER OUT SOME FINAL DETAILS? 78 00:02:45,432 --> 00:02:46,667 NO. DEAL'S ALREADY WORKED OUT. 79 00:02:46,699 --> 00:02:48,468 I'M JUST GONNA POP MY HERBIE HANCOCK ON A FEW FORMS, 80 00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:50,037 AND I'LL, UH -- I'LL MEET YOU AT THE BAR. 81 00:02:50,069 --> 00:02:52,072 GREAT. WELL, YOU DON'T NEED ME. 82 00:02:52,104 --> 00:02:54,007 LEAVING PHIL WITH A CAR SALESMAN 83 00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:56,644 IS LIKE COVERING A BABY GOAT IN BARBECUE SAUCE 84 00:02:56,676 --> 00:02:59,680 AND DROPPING IT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SERENGETI. 85 00:02:59,712 --> 00:03:02,750 UH-HUH. MM-HMM. 86 00:03:02,782 --> 00:03:06,719 MM-HMM. WELL, I-IT ALL SEEMS TO CHECK -- WAIT A MINUTE. 87 00:03:06,753 --> 00:03:08,021 THIS CAN'T BE RIGHT. 88 00:03:08,055 --> 00:03:09,689 AM I ALLOWED TO SIGN THIS WITH A RED PEN? 89 00:03:09,723 --> 00:03:11,658 GOOD CATCH, PHIL. 90 00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:13,993 ONE QUICK THING -- IF YOU REALLY WANT TO 91 00:03:14,026 --> 00:03:15,194 DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOUR DAUGHTER, 92 00:03:15,228 --> 00:03:17,598 WHAT DO YOU SAY WE THROW IN SOME UPGRADED WHEELS? 93 00:03:17,631 --> 00:03:18,865 HOW MUCH WOULD THAT COST? 94 00:03:18,899 --> 00:03:20,234 HOW MUCH DO YOU SPEND A DAY ON A CUP OF COFFEE? 95 00:03:20,268 --> 00:03:21,435 OH, FOR GOD'S SAKES! 96 00:03:21,468 --> 00:03:22,870 JAY? ANSWER THE QUESTION! 97 00:03:22,902 --> 00:03:24,070 A CUP OF COFFEE? $3.50. 98 00:03:24,103 --> 00:03:26,105 NOT YOU! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 99 00:03:26,139 --> 00:03:28,175 I'M JUST HERE TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING'S ON THE UP-AND-UP. 100 00:03:28,207 --> 00:03:30,076 UM, DARYL, THIS IS MY FATHER-IN-LAW, JAY PRITCHETT. 101 00:03:30,110 --> 00:03:31,844 JAY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE HERE. 102 00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:32,913 IT'S ALL WORKED OUT. 103 00:03:32,945 --> 00:03:34,081 TELL YOU WHAT, WHY DON'T YOU THROW IN 104 00:03:34,114 --> 00:03:36,115 THOSE UPGRADED WHEELS YOU LOVE SO MUCH, 105 00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:38,286 LOWER THE DRIVE-OFF BY $500, WE CALL IT A DEAL? 106 00:03:38,319 --> 00:03:40,721 I'M SORRY, BUT THIS IS THE BEST I CAN DO. 107 00:03:40,753 --> 00:03:42,289 COME ON, DARYL. WE'RE ALL BUSINESSMEN HERE. 108 00:03:42,323 --> 00:03:43,723 WE ALL KNOW THERE'S WIGGLE ROOM 109 00:03:43,757 --> 00:03:45,025 WHEN WE SAY THERE'S NO WIGGLE ROOM. 110 00:03:45,057 --> 00:03:47,060 SO, COME ON. LET'S SEE YOU WIGGLE. 111 00:03:47,093 --> 00:03:48,628 I CAN'T. I CAN'T WIGGLE. 112 00:03:48,662 --> 00:03:50,531 JAY, I'VE ALREADY WIGGLED HIM. NO, TRUST ME, HE CAN WIGGLE. 113 00:03:50,563 --> 00:03:52,900 I REALLY CAN'T. I -- WIGGLE, DARYL. WIGGLE. 114 00:03:58,771 --> 00:04:02,276 DO YOU KNOW WHERE BABIES COME FROM? 115 00:04:02,310 --> 00:04:04,044 [ SCOFFS ] LILY, I'M STUDYING. 116 00:04:04,076 --> 00:04:05,778 ARE YOU A NERD? 117 00:04:05,812 --> 00:04:08,080 NO. WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME THAT? 118 00:04:08,115 --> 00:04:10,283 IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT, AND YOU'RE DOING HOMEWORK. 119 00:04:10,318 --> 00:04:11,919 IT'S MY SENIOR YEAR. 120 00:04:11,951 --> 00:04:13,120 TRUST ME, LILY, 121 00:04:13,152 --> 00:04:15,155 THERE'LL BE TONS OF FUN FRIDAY NIGHTS IN MY FUTURE 122 00:04:15,187 --> 00:04:18,792 WITH ARTISTS, DIGNITARIES, OTHER SCIENTISTS. 123 00:04:18,826 --> 00:04:21,161 I DIDN'T HEAR "BOYFRIEND." 124 00:04:22,995 --> 00:04:24,331 [ CLICK ] 125 00:04:24,365 --> 00:04:28,168 YOU'RE 0 FOR 3. YOU KEEP HITTING ME IN THE FACE. 126 00:04:28,201 --> 00:04:29,937 OR...AM I 3 FOR 3? 127 00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:31,170 THEN WHAT'S THE POINT OF THE APPLE? 128 00:04:31,204 --> 00:04:32,540 IT KEEPS YOU FROM MOVING. [ CHUCKLES ] 129 00:04:33,473 --> 00:04:35,576 HEY, GUYS, DO YOU KNOW WHERE BABIES COME FROM? 130 00:04:35,608 --> 00:04:38,011 LILY, THAT'S NOT AN APPROPRIATE QUESTION. 131 00:04:38,045 --> 00:04:39,480 COME ON. DO YOU KNOW OR NOT? 132 00:04:39,512 --> 00:04:41,481 UH, YES. THE STORK BRINGS THEM. 133 00:04:41,514 --> 00:04:42,816 THIS DORK? [the stork] 134 00:04:42,850 --> 00:04:43,850 GOOD STUFF. 135 00:04:43,884 --> 00:04:45,018 HEY, LILY, HOW ABOUT SOMETHING TO EAT? 136 00:04:45,052 --> 00:04:46,153 YOU WANT SOME CHICKEN NUGGETS? 137 00:04:46,185 --> 00:04:47,788 OKAY. ALL RIGHT. 138 00:04:47,821 --> 00:04:49,523 SO, DO YOU KNOW HOW BABIES ARE MADE? 139 00:04:49,557 --> 00:04:51,324 YEP, AND I'LL TELL YOU. 140 00:04:51,358 --> 00:04:54,627 BUT FIRST, WE'RE GONNA NEED A PEN AND A BAGEL. WHY? 141 00:04:54,661 --> 00:04:57,129 WELL, YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO TAKE NOTES, AND I'M HUNGRY. 142 00:04:57,163 --> 00:04:58,531 PLEASE. [ LAUGHTER ] 143 00:04:58,566 --> 00:05:00,166 OKAY, WE CAN'T WAIT ANY LONGER. 144 00:05:00,199 --> 00:05:01,935 WE ARE DYING TO GIVE YOU OUR PRESENT! 145 00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:04,004 GUYS, I SAID NO GIFTS. 146 00:05:04,036 --> 00:05:05,172 NO, YOU SAID NO GIFTS UNDER $100. 147 00:05:05,204 --> 00:05:06,607 OH, DID I? GIMME. 148 00:05:06,639 --> 00:05:09,108 IT'S JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING FROM YOUR SUPERCOOL GUNCLES. 149 00:05:09,141 --> 00:05:11,043 OKAY! [ LAUGHTER ] 150 00:05:11,077 --> 00:05:13,279 THERE IS A LOT OF PRESSURE WHEN ONE IS A GAY UNCLE... 151 00:05:13,312 --> 00:05:14,548 OR GUNCLE. 152 00:05:14,581 --> 00:05:17,117 ...GIVING A GIFT TO A NIECE AS HIP AND CHIC AS HALEY. 153 00:05:17,149 --> 00:05:18,985 IN THE 10 YEARS THAT WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER, 154 00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:20,454 WE'VE ONLY MISSED THE MARK ONE TIME. 155 00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:21,954 YEAH, WHEN CLAIRE TOLD US WHAT TO BUY, 156 00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:23,290 BUT WE LEARNED OUR LESSON -- 157 00:05:23,322 --> 00:05:25,292 IGNORE CLAIRE AND TRUST OUR GAY INSTINCTS. 158 00:05:25,324 --> 00:05:26,494 OR "GINSTINCTS." 159 00:05:26,526 --> 00:05:28,295 [ SIGHS ] TOO MUCH. 160 00:05:28,327 --> 00:05:29,896 NO. 161 00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:32,832 [ High-pitched voice ] OH, MY GOD! SO CUTE! 162 00:05:32,865 --> 00:05:36,002 REALLY? YOU THINK? YES! TOTALLY! SUPER CUTE! 163 00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:37,670 BECAUSE WE CAN RETURN THEM IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM. 164 00:05:37,704 --> 00:05:39,238 [ SCOFFS ] NO, NO, THEY'RE GOOD. [ CHUCKLES ] 165 00:05:39,271 --> 00:05:40,641 I LOVE THEM. 166 00:05:40,673 --> 00:05:44,011 IF WE WORE THE SAME SIZE, I WOULD HAVE THESE ON RIGHT NOW. 167 00:05:45,745 --> 00:05:48,716 HE'S BEEN GONE A LONG TIME. I THINK WE HURT HIS FEELINGS. 168 00:05:48,749 --> 00:05:50,918 THESE GUYS DON'T HAVE FEELINGS. 169 00:05:50,951 --> 00:05:52,920 HE'S BACK THERE MAKING TIME WITH A SECRETARY, 170 00:05:52,952 --> 00:05:55,322 BRAGGING ABOUT HOW HE'S TAKING A COUPLE SUCKERS FOR A RIDE. 171 00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:58,158 LOOK. HE WAS IN THE MILITARY. 172 00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:01,093 SO WAS OSWALD. HEY. 173 00:06:01,127 --> 00:06:02,362 CAN YOU TRUST ME 174 00:06:02,396 --> 00:06:05,365 THAT I'M GONNA GET YOU THE BEST DEAL POSSIBLE? 175 00:06:05,399 --> 00:06:06,567 YOU KNOW WHAT? 176 00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:08,035 WHY DO I KEEP FIGHTING YOU ON THIS? 177 00:06:08,067 --> 00:06:10,403 YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING. I'M BEHIND YOU ALL THE WAY. 178 00:06:10,437 --> 00:06:11,838 BOOM. 179 00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:13,606 WELL, I SPOKE TO MY MANAGER... 180 00:06:13,641 --> 00:06:14,908 YEAH. 181 00:06:14,942 --> 00:06:16,509 ...AND I CAN'T GIVE YOU THE WHEELS OR THE DISCOUNT. 182 00:06:16,543 --> 00:06:17,577 FRANKLY, HE'S MAD 183 00:06:17,610 --> 00:06:19,245 THAT I GAVE YOU THE DEAL THAT'S ON THE TABLE. 184 00:06:19,278 --> 00:06:20,680 WELL, THANKS, DARYL. YOU DID YOUR BEST. 185 00:06:20,713 --> 00:06:21,882 YOU, TOO, JAY. 186 00:06:21,915 --> 00:06:23,082 I GUESS WE'LL JUST SIGN AND BE ON OUR WAY. 187 00:06:23,115 --> 00:06:25,018 OR WE CAN GET OUT OF HERE. WHAT? 188 00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:27,387 I'M SORRY, BUDDY. I GOT A PAL AT THE DEALERSHIP CLOSER TO HIS HOUSE. 189 00:06:27,420 --> 00:06:29,189 WE'RE GONNA TAKE OUR BUSINESS THERE. LET'S GO, PHIL. 190 00:06:29,221 --> 00:06:30,690 I THINK PHIL WANTS TO TAKE THE CAR. 191 00:06:30,723 --> 00:06:34,762 DON'T TELL PHIL WHAT HE WANTS. PHIL WANTS TO LEAVE. 192 00:06:34,795 --> 00:06:38,197 PHIL? 193 00:06:38,230 --> 00:06:40,033 WHAT ARE WE DOING? THAT WAS A GREAT DEAL. 194 00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:41,769 WRONG. KEEP WALKING. JAY, I NEED THIS CAR. 195 00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:43,136 WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE AT THE BAR IN 20 MINUTES. 196 00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:45,072 CALM DOWN. HE'S NOT GONNA LET US LEAVE THE LOT. 197 00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:46,139 YOU CAN ORDER YOUR APPLETINI NOW 198 00:06:46,173 --> 00:06:47,574 AND BE THERE BEFORE THE ICE MELTS. 199 00:06:47,608 --> 00:06:48,942 YOU BETTER BE RIGHT ABOUT THIS 200 00:06:48,975 --> 00:06:50,744 'CAUSE YOU ARE DEAD WRONG ABOUT APPLETINIS HAVING ICE. 201 00:06:50,778 --> 00:06:52,144 HEY! GUYS, HOLD ON A SECOND! 202 00:06:52,178 --> 00:06:54,146 YES, DARYL. [ PANTING ] 203 00:06:54,180 --> 00:06:55,415 YOU FORGOT YOUR SUNGLASSES. 204 00:06:57,985 --> 00:06:59,151 HAPPY? 205 00:06:59,185 --> 00:07:00,153 YEAH. 206 00:07:00,187 --> 00:07:02,122 THESE AREN'T MY SUNGLASSES. 207 00:07:08,596 --> 00:07:09,896 I CANNOT BELIEVE HALEY DIDN'T LIKE THE SHOES. 208 00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,464 OH, COME ON. OF COURSE SHE DID. 209 00:07:11,499 --> 00:07:12,899 NO, SHE MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT. SHE GAVE US THE HIGH VOICE. 210 00:07:12,932 --> 00:07:14,134 [ High-pitched voice ] "THEY'RE CUTE!" 211 00:07:14,166 --> 00:07:15,468 I KNOW THE VOICE. I INVENTED THE VOICE. I USE THE VOICE. 212 00:07:15,502 --> 00:07:17,605 WAIT. SO, I CAN'T PULL OFF MID-THIGH SHORTS? 213 00:07:17,637 --> 00:07:18,906 NO, YOU CAN. 214 00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:21,007 PULL THEM OFF AND GIVE THEM TO SOMEBODY 20 YEARS YOUNGER. 215 00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:23,410 [ LAUGHS ] YOU'RE SO SILLY! 216 00:07:23,442 --> 00:07:24,911 WHAT ARE YOU TWO GIGGLING ABOUT? 217 00:07:24,944 --> 00:07:26,312 HALEY JUST ASKED ME -- 218 00:07:26,346 --> 00:07:27,680 OH, YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW, TRUST ME. 219 00:07:27,714 --> 00:07:29,750 NO, I DO. I DO. I DO. I DO. I DO. TELL ME. 220 00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:31,317 NO, YOU'LL JUST BE ALL JUDGY 221 00:07:31,350 --> 00:07:33,319 BECAUSE YOU WANT ME TO BE THIS PERFECT, LITTLE ANGEL. 222 00:07:33,353 --> 00:07:34,687 OH, HONEY, NO, THAT'S NOT TRUE. 223 00:07:34,721 --> 00:07:36,923 I KNOW I HAVE NOT DONE A GREAT JOB OF IT SO FAR, 224 00:07:36,956 --> 00:07:38,324 BUT I MEANT IT WHEN I SAID 225 00:07:38,358 --> 00:07:40,694 I WANT TO HAVE A MORE ADULT RELATIONSHIP. 226 00:07:40,728 --> 00:07:43,764 I AM SURE THE REASON WHY MOM AND I GREW APART 227 00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:45,533 IS THAT SHE NEVER STOPPED TREATING ME LIKE A CHILD. 228 00:07:45,566 --> 00:07:47,701 PLUS, SHE WAS LOCO FOR LOCO-PUFFS. 229 00:07:47,735 --> 00:07:49,369 [ LAUGHS ] 230 00:07:50,403 --> 00:07:52,773 WHAT, YOU DO NOT HAVE THAT CEREAL? 231 00:07:52,805 --> 00:07:55,975 COME ON. HALEY, LET ME IN. OKAY, FINE, SO WE WERE LAUGHING 232 00:07:56,009 --> 00:07:57,444 BECAUSE WE WERE PLAYING "WOULD YOU RATHER." MM-HMM. 233 00:07:57,476 --> 00:07:58,612 WHAT'S THAT? [ MUTTERS ] 234 00:07:58,646 --> 00:07:59,646 AND I SAID, 235 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:01,348 "WOULD YOU RATHER MARRY GEORGE CLOONEY 236 00:08:01,380 --> 00:08:04,651 "OR HAVE THE BEST SEX OF YOUR LIFE FOR JUST ONE NIGHT 237 00:08:04,685 --> 00:08:06,185 WITH TOM HARDY?" 238 00:08:06,218 --> 00:08:07,654 WHO'S THAT? I DON'T KNOW. GOOGLE HIM. 239 00:08:07,687 --> 00:08:10,858 I'M GOING WITH TOM BECAUSE GEORGE WOULD 240 00:08:10,891 --> 00:08:13,225 JUST WANT TO TALK ABOUT POLITICS ALL THE TIME 241 00:08:13,259 --> 00:08:16,896 AND TOM SEEMS LIKE HE WOULD QUIETLY GET THE JOB DONE. 242 00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:19,165 THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HALEY SAID! OH! 243 00:08:19,199 --> 00:08:21,802 ALL RIGHT! OKAY! YEAH! 244 00:08:21,834 --> 00:08:24,737 [ WOMEN CHEERING ] HEY, YOU TWO! IT'S DANCE TIME! 245 00:08:24,771 --> 00:08:26,574 OH, BOY. HERE WE GO. 246 00:08:26,606 --> 00:08:28,507 YEAH, SOMEBODY'S HUNGRY FOR A LITTLE BIT MORE. 247 00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:30,377 WE SHOULD HAVE JUST TOLD THEM WE'RE STRAIGHT. 248 00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:31,978 WE MET THEM BECAUSE YOU ACCURATELY 249 00:08:32,011 --> 00:08:34,380 IDENTIFIED THE BRIDE'S PERFUME. [ CHUCKLES ] 250 00:08:34,413 --> 00:08:35,749 YOU TWO READY TO TEAR IT UP? 251 00:08:35,783 --> 00:08:38,586 OH... WELL, WE'RE KIND OF DOING OUR OWN THING RIGHT NOW, 252 00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:40,419 BUT THANK YOU. COME ON, BOYS! 253 00:08:43,355 --> 00:08:44,758 WHO ARE THOSE GAYS? 254 00:08:44,792 --> 00:08:47,561 I DON'T KNOW, BUT I LIKE THEIR LOOK. 255 00:08:47,595 --> 00:08:48,562 DO YOU? REALLY? 256 00:08:48,596 --> 00:08:50,363 Haley: YEAH. 257 00:08:50,397 --> 00:08:51,565 I CAN FEEL IT. 258 00:08:51,599 --> 00:08:53,165 THIS GUY'S GONNA GET US THE DEAL WE WANT. 259 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,934 I HAD THE DEAL WE WANT, AND NOW IT'S GONE, 260 00:08:54,967 --> 00:08:57,571 JUST LIKE YOUR IMAGINARY FRIEND WHO NEVER WORKED HERE. CALM DOWN. 261 00:08:57,605 --> 00:09:00,707 WE'RE ALREADY UP THREE HOT DOGS AND A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES. 262 00:09:00,740 --> 00:09:02,775 OKAY, GUYS, I RAN SOME NUMBERS, 263 00:09:02,809 --> 00:09:04,945 AND I CAN'T COME CLOSE TO THE PRICE YOU HAD OVER THERE. 264 00:09:04,977 --> 00:09:06,746 HE WAS LOSING MONEY ON THAT CAR. 265 00:09:06,779 --> 00:09:08,347 OH, MY GOD. NOT HELPING. 266 00:09:08,380 --> 00:09:09,917 ALL RIGHT, TONY, LET'S CUT TO THE CHASE. 267 00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:11,551 YOU EITHER START NEGOTIATING, 268 00:09:11,585 --> 00:09:14,721 OR WE'RE GONNA WALK BACK OVER THERE AND TAKE THAT OTHER DEAL. 269 00:09:14,754 --> 00:09:16,956 WELL, IF YOU CAN STILL GET IT, YEAH, TH-THAT'S WHAT I WOULD DO. 270 00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:19,192 YOU WANT TO DANCE. I DON'T MIND. I'LL LEAD. 271 00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:20,594 $500 DOWN. 272 00:09:20,628 --> 00:09:22,796 SIR [SIGHS] EVEN WITH THE DEEP DISCOUNTS WE OFFER 273 00:09:22,830 --> 00:09:23,764 DURING THE HOT DOG-A-THON, 274 00:09:23,797 --> 00:09:25,899 I HAVE NEVER SEEN A DEAL LIKE THAT. 275 00:09:25,932 --> 00:09:27,701 HEAR THAT, JAY? I WON. WHAT DID I WIN? 276 00:09:27,735 --> 00:09:29,036 NOT A CAR! 277 00:09:29,068 --> 00:09:31,871 I GOT TO CALL THAT FIRST GUY BACK. 278 00:09:31,904 --> 00:09:34,707 TONY, CLOCK IS TICKING. YOUR MOVE. 279 00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:36,909 WHAT'S THAT? 280 00:09:36,943 --> 00:09:39,913 COULD THAT BE FROM YOUR MANAGER, HUH, PERHAPS? 281 00:09:39,947 --> 00:09:41,914 UH, YEAH, HE SAYS THAT UNLESS YOU BUY A CAR, 282 00:09:41,948 --> 00:09:43,482 YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY MORE HOT DOGS. 283 00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:48,655 OKAY, SO, A BOY AND A GIRL MEET AT A FRAT PARTY 284 00:09:48,688 --> 00:09:51,091 AND THEY BOTH THINK EACH OTHER IS TOTALLY HOT, 285 00:09:51,124 --> 00:09:52,491 SO THEY POUND THEIR BEERS AND HEAD UPSTAIRS. 286 00:09:52,524 --> 00:09:53,927 LUKE, STOP. 287 00:09:53,961 --> 00:09:55,729 SHE'S NOT HEARING THIS FROM YOU. 288 00:09:55,763 --> 00:09:57,129 WHY NOT? YOU'RE TOO IMMATURE. 289 00:09:57,163 --> 00:09:58,831 I'M NOT IMMATURE, BUTT FACE. 290 00:09:58,865 --> 00:10:00,567 AND HOW WOULD YOU SAY IT? 291 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,936 WELL, I WOULD SAY THEY MEET THROUGH FRIENDS, 292 00:10:02,970 --> 00:10:05,337 AND AFTER DATING FOR AN APPROPRIATE AMOUNT OF TIME, 293 00:10:05,371 --> 00:10:07,740 HE TAKES HER TO A ROMANTIC FRENCH BISTRO. 294 00:10:07,774 --> 00:10:09,743 THEN MAYBE, IF THE MOOD IS RIGHT -- MAYBE? 295 00:10:09,777 --> 00:10:11,344 I JUST BOUGHT YOU A BIG FRENCH DINNER. 296 00:10:11,378 --> 00:10:13,513 THAT WAS YOUR CHOICE. I OWE YOU NOTHING. 297 00:10:13,546 --> 00:10:15,514 YOUR HAND WAS ON MY KNEE THE WHOLE TIME. 298 00:10:15,548 --> 00:10:16,984 WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO THINK? 299 00:10:17,017 --> 00:10:19,519 I WAS EXPRESSING AFFECTION, NOT SIGNING A CONTRACT. 300 00:10:19,552 --> 00:10:20,754 THIS DATE IS OVER. 301 00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:23,490 COME ON, SEXY. DON'T BE LIKE THAT. 302 00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:24,924 MAKE A BABY WITH ME. 303 00:10:24,957 --> 00:10:27,027 WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE?! 304 00:10:27,059 --> 00:10:28,928 NOTHING. 305 00:10:28,961 --> 00:10:31,698 * I'M GONNA TELL YOU 306 00:10:31,731 --> 00:10:34,868 CAN I JUST SAY THAT I'M GLAD THEY DIDN'T COME GET US? 307 00:10:34,902 --> 00:10:36,836 EXACTLY. WHO NEEDS THOSE CLINGY BROADS? 308 00:10:36,870 --> 00:10:38,871 "BROADS"? DOES ANYONE SAY "BROADS" ANYMORE? 309 00:10:38,905 --> 00:10:40,273 I DON'T KNOW. I WAS TRYING SOMETHING. 310 00:10:40,307 --> 00:10:41,841 YOU KNOW, MAYBE THEY JUST SAW US WITH HALEY AND THEY WERE LIKE, 311 00:10:41,875 --> 00:10:43,777 "HEY, LET'S GIVE THOSE GUYS SOME SPACE." 312 00:10:43,811 --> 00:10:45,278 OR THEY ALREADY KNEW THOSE GAYS. 313 00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:46,479 OR THEY THOUGHT THOSE YOUNG GUYS 314 00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:47,847 WOULD BE BETTER DANCERS THAN US. 315 00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:49,950 NO, NO. SINCE WHEN DOES YOUNG EQUAL BETTER? 316 00:10:49,982 --> 00:10:51,851 OH. [ TRILLS ] LET'S SHOW THEM WHAT WE GOT. 317 00:10:51,884 --> 00:10:52,885 [ SNAPS FINGERS ] 318 00:10:52,919 --> 00:10:54,822 HEY, REAL QUICK... WHAT HAVE WE GOT? 319 00:10:54,855 --> 00:10:57,356 UM, WELL, I CAN RAISE THE ROOF AND DO THE CABBAGE PATCH. 320 00:10:57,389 --> 00:10:58,692 OKAY, AND I CAN DO THE "SINGLE LADY" HAND THING. 321 00:10:58,725 --> 00:10:59,860 YEAH, BUT PUT YOUR NECK INTO IT 322 00:10:59,893 --> 00:11:01,227 OR YOU JUST LOOK LIKE THE QUEEN WAVING. 323 00:11:01,260 --> 00:11:02,730 OH, GOOD POINT. OKAY. NOW YOU'RE READY. 324 00:11:02,763 --> 00:11:03,730 OKAY, LET'S GO. 325 00:11:03,764 --> 00:11:05,131 HEY, LADIES! HEY, SINGLE LADIES! 326 00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:07,735 HEY, GUYS! [ LAUGHS ] 327 00:11:07,768 --> 00:11:09,535 OH, THANK GOD. WE NEED TO TAP OUT. 328 00:11:09,568 --> 00:11:11,538 YEAH, THESE CHICKS LATCHED ON AND WON'T LET GO. 329 00:11:11,571 --> 00:11:12,740 YOU KNOW HOW THEY ARE WITH US. 330 00:11:12,773 --> 00:11:13,874 NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL US. 331 00:11:13,907 --> 00:11:15,375 WE COULDN'T GET RID OF THOSE THREE ALL NIGHT. 332 00:11:15,408 --> 00:11:18,378 SO, WHY DON'T YOU GUYS GO AHEAD AND SPLIT? WE'LL TAKE OVER. 333 00:11:18,411 --> 00:11:19,712 ARE YOU SURE? YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. GO, GO. 334 00:11:19,746 --> 00:11:20,880 YES. YES. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. THANK YOU. 335 00:11:20,913 --> 00:11:22,716 WE'LL HOLD IT DOWN. YEAH, YEAH. 336 00:11:22,750 --> 00:11:24,216 BOYS, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?! 337 00:11:24,250 --> 00:11:25,852 YOU GUYS, DON'T GO! OH, YEAH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, LADIES, 338 00:11:25,885 --> 00:11:30,057 BECAUSE WE ARE HERE NOW AND WE ARE READY TO BOOGIE. 339 00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:32,893 [ CHUCKLES ] GREAT! WHOO-HOO. 340 00:11:32,926 --> 00:11:34,661 [ High-pitched voice ] SO FUN! 341 00:11:34,693 --> 00:11:36,363 WE'RE GONNA GO HIT SOME CLUBS NOW. 342 00:11:36,395 --> 00:11:37,730 OH, CLUBS. THAT SOUNDS RAD. 343 00:11:37,764 --> 00:11:38,999 COOL. SUPER DOPE. YES. 344 00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:41,234 YOU GUYS HAVE FUN. HUH? 345 00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:45,538 WHAT HAPPENED? 346 00:11:45,572 --> 00:11:46,706 OH, MY GOD. 347 00:11:46,740 --> 00:11:52,278 STOP. WE'RE GANCIENT. 348 00:11:52,312 --> 00:11:54,681 REALLY? DYLAN? 349 00:11:54,713 --> 00:11:56,448 MM-HMM. 350 00:11:56,482 --> 00:11:58,051 DYLAN? YEP. SWEAR IT. 351 00:11:58,085 --> 00:11:59,619 LIKE YOU CANNOT BELIEVE. 352 00:11:59,652 --> 00:12:04,224 HUH. YOU KNOW WHAT? I KIND OF GET HIM NOW. 353 00:12:04,256 --> 00:12:05,225 RIGHT? YES! 354 00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:06,725 I ALWAYS GOT DYLAN. 355 00:12:06,759 --> 00:12:09,361 CAREFUL. YOU'RE LIKE MY GRANDMA. [ LAUGHS ] 356 00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:10,462 GRANDMA? 357 00:12:10,496 --> 00:12:13,566 EASY. I HAVE STABBED CLOSER RELATIVES THAN YOU. 358 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,067 OOH. [ LAUGHS ] 359 00:12:15,101 --> 00:12:17,537 [ LAUGHS ] I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M TALKING TO MY MOM ABOUT THIS. 360 00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:19,471 HONEY, I TOLD YOU, YOU'RE A GROWN-UP NOW. 361 00:12:19,505 --> 00:12:20,874 I'M GONNA RESPECT YOUR DECISIONS, 362 00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:22,241 AND LET YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE. 363 00:12:22,274 --> 00:12:24,043 IT'S THE BEST GIFT I CAN GIVE TO YOU 364 00:12:24,076 --> 00:12:25,611 ON YOUR 21st BIRTHDAY -- 365 00:12:25,644 --> 00:12:29,817 MY FRIENDSHIP AND UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE. 366 00:12:29,850 --> 00:12:32,418 AW! THAT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME RIGHT NOW. [ CHUCKLES ] 367 00:12:32,451 --> 00:12:34,586 YOU KNOW WHY? MNH. WHY? 368 00:12:34,620 --> 00:12:36,588 BECAUSE I WANT TO GET A TATTOO TONIGHT, 369 00:12:36,623 --> 00:12:37,756 AND I WAS AFRAID YOU'D SAY NO. 370 00:12:37,790 --> 00:12:39,158 AY, HOW COULD SHE SAY NO 371 00:12:39,192 --> 00:12:41,494 AFTER EVERYTHING SHE JUST SAID TO YOU?! 372 00:12:41,528 --> 00:12:44,563 HOW COULD I SAY NO? IS THERE A WAY? 373 00:12:44,596 --> 00:12:46,566 OH, MY GOD, MOM, THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER! 374 00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:48,000 COULD TONIGHT GET ANY BETTER?! 375 00:12:48,034 --> 00:12:49,436 YES! SHE CAN PAY FOR IT 376 00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:51,004 SO YOU CAN GET A REALLY BIG ONE! 377 00:12:51,038 --> 00:12:52,806 [ SCREAMS ] 378 00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:54,506 [ LAUGHS ] 379 00:12:54,540 --> 00:12:55,942 OH! 380 00:12:55,975 --> 00:12:57,009 I'M SO EXCITED! 381 00:13:00,813 --> 00:13:02,182 PHIL, WHERE ARE YOU? YOU HAVE TO GET DOWN HERE 382 00:13:02,215 --> 00:13:04,417 AND STOP HALEY FROM GETTING A TATTOO. 383 00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:05,784 NO, Y STOP HER! 384 00:13:05,818 --> 00:13:06,785 I CAN'T. 385 00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:08,455 I MADE A COMMITMENT TO BEING HER FRIEND. 386 00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:09,456 WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? 387 00:13:09,489 --> 00:13:11,457 I DON'T KNOW. I WAS TRYING SOMETHING. 388 00:13:11,490 --> 00:13:13,493 JUST GET DOWN HERE WITH THAT CAR, AND WE CAN DISTRACT HER. 389 00:13:13,525 --> 00:13:16,428 I'D LOVE TO, BUT YOUR DAD PLAYED HARDBALL AND WE LOST IT. 390 00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:18,197 HOW ON EARTH DID YOU LET THAT HAPPEN?! 391 00:13:18,230 --> 00:13:20,600 I DON'T KNOW. WHY DON'T YOU ASK THE TWEETY BIRD ON HALEY'S NECK? 392 00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:22,001 OH, GOD, NOT THE NECK. 393 00:13:22,034 --> 00:13:23,602 SHE'S A TOUGH-ENOUGH HIRE AS IT IS. 394 00:13:23,635 --> 00:13:24,937 OKAY, UM... 395 00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:26,706 FINE, Y-YOU DEAL WITH THE CAR. I'LL DEAL WITH THE TATTOO. 396 00:13:26,739 --> 00:13:27,706 JUST GET HERE. 397 00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:28,774 [ BEEP ] 398 00:13:28,807 --> 00:13:30,442 OKAY, HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO. 399 00:13:30,476 --> 00:13:32,011 NO, NO, NO, NO. I'M DONE LISTENING TO YOU. 400 00:13:32,044 --> 00:13:33,613 I HAD A GREAT DEAL. YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW? 401 00:13:33,645 --> 00:13:35,615 I CALLED THE SALESMAN AT THE FIRST DEALERSHIP 402 00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:37,216 WHILE YOU WERE SNEAKING YOUR THIRD HOT DOG, 403 00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:38,350 AND IT ALREADY SOLD. 404 00:13:38,384 --> 00:13:40,620 FINE. WE DON'T NEED IT. HERE'S THE PLAN -- 405 00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:42,489 WE TELL THEM HALEY IS REALLY SICK. 406 00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:44,624 OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE SICK. 407 00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:46,192 GOOD THINKING! I'LL BE SICK 408 00:13:46,225 --> 00:13:48,327 'CAUSE NOBODY CARES ABOUT PEOPLE THEY CAN'T SEE. 409 00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:50,330 I RESEARCHED THAT CAR ONLINE FOR WEEKS, 410 00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:52,698 AND THEN YOU SWOOP IN WITH YOUR TOUGH-GUY SWAGGER 411 00:13:52,731 --> 00:13:55,402 TO TEACH ME A LESSON ABOUT BUYING CARS IN THE '70s! 412 00:13:55,434 --> 00:13:57,203 YOU KNOW, THIS ALL HAPPENED BECAUSE OF YOU, 413 00:13:57,236 --> 00:14:00,006 SITTING THERE, COVERED IN SWEAT AND FEAR, 414 00:14:00,039 --> 00:14:01,807 UNDERCUTTING MY EVERY WORD. 415 00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:03,809 NOW, IF YOU WANT A REALLY GOOD DEAL, 416 00:14:03,842 --> 00:14:06,212 YOU PARK YOUR BUTT OUT HERE, PLAY ON YOUR INTERNET. 417 00:14:06,245 --> 00:14:08,648 I'M GOING OLD-SCHOOL ON THIS SALES WEASEL, 418 00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:10,918 AND I'M GONNA BREAK HIM IN HALF. 419 00:14:10,951 --> 00:14:12,919 IS SOMEBODY HELPING YOU? 420 00:14:12,952 --> 00:14:14,553 HE BETTER BE! 421 00:14:14,586 --> 00:14:17,590 YES, THANK YOU SO MUCH. 422 00:14:17,624 --> 00:14:19,591 OKAY, I AM TECHNICALLY IN CHARGE TONIGHT, 423 00:14:19,625 --> 00:14:21,561 SO NO ONE TELLS LILY WHERE BABIES COME FROM. 424 00:14:21,594 --> 00:14:22,828 I COULD NOT AGREE MORE. 425 00:14:22,861 --> 00:14:25,432 I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU AMERICANS ARE SO UPTIGHT ABOUT SEX. 426 00:14:25,465 --> 00:14:27,433 SEX IS CONFUSING FOR YOUNG PEOPLE, 427 00:14:27,466 --> 00:14:29,269 AND SHE DOESN'T NEED TO LEARN FROM TWO FUZZ-STACHES 428 00:14:29,302 --> 00:14:30,903 WHO BARELY KNOW ANYTHING THEMSELVES. 429 00:14:30,937 --> 00:14:33,706 EXCUSE ME, YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHECK MY BROWSER HISTORY. 430 00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:35,542 I'VE DONE SOME RESEARCH. 431 00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:37,543 OH. WELL, GREAT. I'M JUST GONNA GO VOMIT FOREVER NOW. 432 00:14:37,576 --> 00:14:39,546 [ DOOR OPENS ] WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? 433 00:14:39,578 --> 00:14:41,548 UH, NOTHING. MNH-MNH. JUST TALKING. NOT REALLY ANYTHING. 434 00:14:41,581 --> 00:14:43,350 CAN WE FINISH OUR CONVERSATION? 435 00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:45,085 NO. LILY, I'M SORRY, BUT IF YOU HAVE QUESTIONS, 436 00:14:45,118 --> 00:14:46,619 YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOUR DADS. 437 00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:47,754 YOU DON'T KNOW, DO YOU? 438 00:14:47,787 --> 00:14:49,588 I DO SO. [ SCOFFS ] UH-HUH, I KNOW. 439 00:14:49,621 --> 00:14:52,392 NO, WE DON'T. RIGHT, GUYS? 440 00:14:52,424 --> 00:14:53,725 NO, I GUESS NOT. NO. 441 00:14:53,759 --> 00:14:56,562 THAT'S EMBARRASSING. WANT ME TO TELL YOU? 442 00:14:56,596 --> 00:14:57,931 WHAT? 443 00:14:57,965 --> 00:15:00,133 HEY, THAT'S WHY YOU ASKED IF WE KNEW WHERE BABIES CAME FROM -- 444 00:15:00,167 --> 00:15:02,134 BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO TELL US? 445 00:15:02,168 --> 00:15:04,236 YEAH, YOU'RE OLD. YOU SHOULD KNOW. 446 00:15:04,270 --> 00:15:06,239 BUT YOU MIGHT WANT TO SIT DOWN FOR THIS. 447 00:15:06,273 --> 00:15:08,807 [ SIGHS ] 448 00:15:08,841 --> 00:15:11,410 I FOUND A TATTOO SHOP NEARBY. 449 00:15:11,443 --> 00:15:15,447 IT HAS FOUR STARS ON YELP, AND IT HAS MILITARY DISCOUNT. 450 00:15:15,481 --> 00:15:18,051 WELL, PRIVATE DORCHESTER REPORTING FOR DUTY. 451 00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:20,452 YOU ARE JUST SO HELPFUL TONIGHT, GLORIA. 452 00:15:20,486 --> 00:15:22,822 YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE YOU SHOULD DO? ANOTHER IDEA. 453 00:15:22,855 --> 00:15:25,457 YOU SHOULD DO MOTHER-AND-DAUGHTER TATTOOS, 454 00:15:25,491 --> 00:15:27,826 LIKE -- LIKE, UH, TWO HALVES OF A HEART. 455 00:15:27,860 --> 00:15:29,461 OR THE MOON AND SOME STARS. OH. MM. 456 00:15:29,495 --> 00:15:31,898 OR, LIKE, A BIRD AND A RIFLE. 457 00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:34,267 OH, MY GOD, LET'S DO THAT! YES! YES! 458 00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:36,436 I MEAN, NOT THAT, BUT, LIKE, LET'S GET MATCHING TATTOOS! 459 00:15:36,469 --> 00:15:38,238 I WANT TO DO THAT WITH YOU. [ SIGHS ] 460 00:15:38,270 --> 00:15:40,006 YOU DO? YEAH! 461 00:15:40,039 --> 00:15:41,573 IT COULD BE, LIKE, OUR SPECIAL THING 462 00:15:41,607 --> 00:15:43,643 THAT WE HAVE FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES, JUST US. 463 00:15:43,676 --> 00:15:45,644 AND NO MATTER WHERE WE GO OR WHAT WE DO, 464 00:15:45,677 --> 00:15:48,447 WHEN PEOPLE ASK US ABOUT OUR TATTOOS, 465 00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:49,415 WE CAN SAY THAT THEY'RE FROM 466 00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:51,518 THE BEST NIGHT OF OUR LIVES TOGETHER. 467 00:15:51,551 --> 00:15:53,086 THAT IS SO SWEET. 468 00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:54,653 I MEAN IT. 469 00:15:54,687 --> 00:15:56,655 I WANT TO DO IT WITH YOU. WILL YOU? 470 00:15:56,688 --> 00:16:00,293 I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS, BUT I WILL. I WILL. 471 00:16:00,326 --> 00:16:01,461 I WILL 'CAUSE I LOVE YOU. 472 00:16:01,494 --> 00:16:02,961 I LOVE YOU, TOO! I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. 473 00:16:02,995 --> 00:16:06,533 THEY ALSO HAVE PIERCING! ENOUGH. 474 00:16:06,566 --> 00:16:08,368 Cameron: YOU KNOW WHAT? 475 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:10,602 I DON'T EVEN NEED TO BE COOL ANYMORE. 476 00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:11,837 IT'S LIKE, WHY? 477 00:16:11,870 --> 00:16:14,474 YES, EXACTLY. WHY? [ Chuckling ] WHO CARES. 478 00:16:14,506 --> 00:16:17,043 BESIDES, ISN'T THE COOLER THING NOT CARING IF YOU'RE COOL? 479 00:16:17,076 --> 00:16:18,445 YEAH, AND IF THE NEW COOL IS NOT CARING, 480 00:16:18,477 --> 00:16:20,879 THEN I'M SUPERCOOL, NOT THAT I CARE. 481 00:16:20,913 --> 00:16:23,049 HEY, GUYS! GUESS WHAT. WE'RE GETTING MATCHING TATTOOS. 482 00:16:23,082 --> 00:16:25,451 LOVE IT. WE'RE DOING IT, TOO. WE NEED THIS. 483 00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:27,486 ARE YOU SERIOUS? ARE WE SERIOUS? 484 00:16:27,519 --> 00:16:29,655 AS SERIOUS AS BERT AND ERNIE. 485 00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:33,826 IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SUCH A GREAT MOMENT FOR ME AS A DAD. 486 00:16:33,860 --> 00:16:35,628 I WAS GONNA WALK INTO THAT BAR, 487 00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:38,630 GIVE MY DAUGHTER HER NEW CAR KEYS, AND SAY, "HONEY... 488 00:16:38,664 --> 00:16:40,567 CHUG THAT DRINK. WE'RE GOING FOR A SPIN." 489 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,568 [ CHUCKLES ] HUH. 490 00:16:42,601 --> 00:16:45,538 PHIL, PUT THESE IN YOUR PURSE. 491 00:16:45,572 --> 00:16:49,142 I JUST BEAT YOUR UNBEATABLE DEAL BY 500 SAMOLIANS. 492 00:16:49,176 --> 00:16:50,576 STICK THAT IN YOUR INTERNET. 493 00:16:50,610 --> 00:16:52,745 WHAT? THIS GUY'S A BULLDOG. HE WORE ME DOWN. 494 00:16:52,778 --> 00:16:54,746 DON'T BE TOO HARD ON YOURSELF. YOU NEVER STOOD A CHANCE. 495 00:16:54,780 --> 00:16:55,914 [ HORN HONKS ] 496 00:16:55,947 --> 00:16:58,585 WOW! THANK YOU, JAY. 497 00:16:58,618 --> 00:16:59,985 HOP IN. I'LL GIVE YOU A WALK-THROUGH. 498 00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:02,188 OKAY. [ LAUGHS ] 499 00:17:02,221 --> 00:17:04,057 SOME MORE GOOD NEWS FOR YOU -- YOUR FATHER-IN-LAW 500 00:17:04,090 --> 00:17:06,925 ALSO TALKED ME INTO TWO YEARS OF FREE SATELLITE RADIO. 501 00:17:06,959 --> 00:17:09,561 OF COURSE HE DID. THE GUY'S ALWAYS ONE-UPPING ME. 502 00:17:09,596 --> 00:17:11,530 I WORK FOR MONTHS GETTING THE BEST DEAL. 503 00:17:11,564 --> 00:17:15,434 HE WALKS IN, BULLIES YOU DOWN, AND PROVES WHAT A PUSHOVER I AM. 504 00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:17,936 LET ME JUST SHOW YOU THIS HORN. WHY? DID HE GET AN UPGRADE ON -- 505 00:17:17,970 --> 00:17:20,539 [ HORN BLARING ] MY FATHER-IN-LAW CAN BE A JERK, TOO, SO I GOT TO SAY SOMETHING. 506 00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:22,942 YOU GOT A MUCH BETTER DEAL THAN HE GOT. 507 00:17:22,974 --> 00:17:24,611 SOME HORN, HUH? 508 00:17:24,644 --> 00:17:26,445 [ HORN HONKS ] WHAT? 509 00:17:26,479 --> 00:17:28,548 [ HORN BLARING ] HE CAME GROVELING INTO MY OFFICE 510 00:17:28,580 --> 00:17:30,750 AND BEGGED ME TO LIE AND SAY THAT HE GOT THE BETTER PRICE, BUT HE PAID ME THE DIFFERENCE. 511 00:17:30,782 --> 00:17:32,884 [ HORN HONKING ] HOW MUCH MORE DID HE PAY? 512 00:17:32,919 --> 00:17:34,121 $1,000. 513 00:17:34,153 --> 00:17:35,622 OH, MY GOD, HE REALLY CARES WHAT I THINK ABOUT HIM. 514 00:17:35,654 --> 00:17:37,723 MORE THAN YOU KNOW. THAT IS ONE BEAUTIFUL MAN. 515 00:17:37,757 --> 00:17:39,726 HEY, DUMBASS, ENOUGH WITH THE HORN, HUH? 516 00:17:39,759 --> 00:17:42,461 [ HORN HONKS ] I LOVE YOU, TOO! 517 00:17:42,494 --> 00:17:44,631 OH! UH, THE TATTOOING -- 518 00:17:44,663 --> 00:17:46,065 IT DOES REALLY HURT. 519 00:17:46,098 --> 00:17:47,634 I DON'T THINK I DRANK ENOUGH. 520 00:17:47,666 --> 00:17:49,635 HUH. SO, A COUPLE OF FIRSTS TONIGHT. 521 00:17:49,669 --> 00:17:50,869 OKAY, WHAT SHOULD WE GET? 522 00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:51,938 UH... [ SIGHS ] 523 00:17:51,971 --> 00:17:53,472 IT NEEDS TO BE SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO US. 524 00:17:53,506 --> 00:17:55,241 I-IS NELSON MANDELA STILL IN JAIL. 525 00:17:55,275 --> 00:17:57,777 I THINK IT SHOULD BE SOMETHING JUST A LITTLE MORE PERSONAL. 526 00:17:57,809 --> 00:18:00,446 OKAY, WHAT ABOUT LILIES FOR LILY? 527 00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:01,580 FLOWERS? 528 00:18:01,614 --> 00:18:02,749 BE FASTER JUST TO GET THE WORD "GAY." 529 00:18:02,781 --> 00:18:05,317 I HOPE EVERYBODY'S READY! SO BEAUTIFUL. 530 00:18:05,352 --> 00:18:07,220 WELL, CHECK IT, LOSERS. 531 00:18:07,253 --> 00:18:08,788 I AM ALL TATTED UP. [ LAUGHS ] 532 00:18:08,820 --> 00:18:11,490 AY, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS. 533 00:18:11,523 --> 00:18:12,491 I KNOW! I KNOW! I KNOW! 534 00:18:12,525 --> 00:18:14,594 IT'S VERY SEXY. VERY NICE. Gloria: YEAH. 535 00:18:14,626 --> 00:18:17,596 WELL, IT IS SANSKRIT FOR "MOTHER." 536 00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:21,067 AND HALEY'S GONNA GET ONE THAT SAYS "DAUGHTER." 537 00:18:21,099 --> 00:18:23,470 [ High-pitched voice ] WELL... 538 00:18:23,502 --> 00:18:24,436 WELL, WHAT? 539 00:18:24,471 --> 00:18:25,837 [ Normal voice ] IT'S JUST, UM, 540 00:18:25,872 --> 00:18:29,008 I-I'M NOT TOTALLY SURE I'M NOT BAILING. 541 00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:31,278 NO. NO, YOU'RE NOT. 542 00:18:31,310 --> 00:18:33,846 BUT IT JUST LOOKS SUPER PAINFUL, 543 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,415 A-A-AND THIS IS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, 544 00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:39,451 BUT I DON'T THINK I WANT A TATTOO WHEN I HAVE OLD SKIN. 545 00:18:39,486 --> 00:18:40,619 [ CHUCKLES ] 546 00:18:40,653 --> 00:18:42,422 HALEY, IF YOU DON'T GET "DAUGHTER," 547 00:18:42,454 --> 00:18:44,624 IT'S GONNA LOOK LIKE I DID THIS FOR MY MOTHER, 548 00:18:44,656 --> 00:18:46,659 AND THEN I'M GONNA HAVE TO SAW MY LEG OFF. 549 00:18:46,692 --> 00:18:48,094 OR YOU COULD JUST ADD TO IT. 550 00:18:48,126 --> 00:18:50,497 HEY, WHAT'S SANSKRIT FOR "ISSUES"? 551 00:18:50,529 --> 00:18:52,499 HALEY, COME ON. YOU'RE UP. LET'S GO. 552 00:18:52,531 --> 00:18:54,500 I DON'T KNOW, MOM. IT'S -- 553 00:18:54,534 --> 00:18:56,435 NOW THAT I SEE IT, IT'S SO PERMANENT. 554 00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:59,672 YOUNG LADY, I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL SPANK YOU. 555 00:18:59,705 --> 00:19:01,173 [ HORN HONKS ] 556 00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:06,212 NO, MY GOD! IS THAT FOR ME?! 557 00:19:06,246 --> 00:19:08,615 HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SWEETHEART! 558 00:19:08,647 --> 00:19:10,450 THANK YOU SO MUCH! I LOVE IT! 559 00:19:10,482 --> 00:19:11,617 [ BOTH LAUGH ] 560 00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:13,319 PLEASE TELL ME YOU DIDN'T GET A TATTOO. 561 00:19:13,353 --> 00:19:15,488 NO, BUT TALK TO MOM, 'CAUSE SHE'S TRYING TO MAKE ME. 562 00:19:15,521 --> 00:19:18,557 OH, IT'S SO CUTE! CAN I TAKE IT FOR A RIDE?! OF COURSE! 563 00:19:18,590 --> 00:19:20,559 Lily: WHEN I GROW UP, I WANT TO HAVE KIDS. 564 00:19:20,593 --> 00:19:22,894 YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE. YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING TONIGHT. 565 00:19:22,929 --> 00:19:23,962 ONLY 'CAUSE YOU MADE ME. 566 00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:25,397 WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO HER? 567 00:19:25,432 --> 00:19:27,799 Lily: WELL, FIRST, I WANT A PERFECT HUSBAND... 568 00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:29,000 HOW ABOUT YOU GUYS? COME ON. 569 00:19:29,035 --> 00:19:30,537 YOU'RE GONNA GET YOUR TATTOO, RIGHT? 570 00:19:30,569 --> 00:19:32,572 WE REALIZED WE DON'T NEED ONE TO BE COOL. 571 00:19:32,605 --> 00:19:34,574 IT SEEMS SORT OF DESPERATE. 572 00:19:34,606 --> 00:19:35,974 BUT YOURS IS CUTE. 573 00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:37,143 [ High-pitched voice ] SUPER CUTE! YEAH. 574 00:19:37,175 --> 00:19:38,510 Lily: ...SOMEONE WHO TAKES CARE OF ME. 575 00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:41,513 AY, JAY. I'M TIRED. I'M HUNGRY. TAKE ME HOME. 576 00:19:41,548 --> 00:19:43,549 COME ON. WE'LL GET YOU A BIG BOWL OF LOCO-PUFFS. 577 00:19:43,583 --> 00:19:44,651 [ CHUCKLES ] 578 00:19:44,683 --> 00:19:46,519 Lily: AND THEN WE'RE GONNA MAKE A BABY... 579 00:19:46,552 --> 00:19:49,989 Haley: [ LAUGHS ] OH, MY GOSH! 580 00:19:50,021 --> 00:19:51,824 ...WHICH IS EASY. 581 00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:54,493 YOU JUST PUT EGGS AND TADPOLES IN A GLASS, 582 00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:56,229 AND THE WOMAN HAS TO DRINK IT. 583 00:19:56,262 --> 00:19:59,030 THEN, THE WOMAN AND MAN KISS AND JUMP ON THEIR BED. 584 00:19:59,065 --> 00:20:02,402 AFTER A YEAR, SHE PEES, AND A BABY COMES OUT. 585 00:20:02,434 --> 00:20:04,770 WOW. OH, MY GOD. OKAY, THEN. 586 00:20:08,875 --> 00:20:09,875 NOW THAT CLAIRE HAS A TATTOO, 587 00:20:09,909 --> 00:20:11,711 I CAN FINALLY GET ONE OF MY OWN! [ SIGHS ] 588 00:20:11,743 --> 00:20:12,912 SO, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO THINK OF A PHRASE 589 00:20:12,944 --> 00:20:14,212 THAT SUMS UP THE WAY I LIVE MY LIFE. 590 00:20:14,247 --> 00:20:16,883 I DON'T THINK SMALL. I DON'T DO THINGS HALFWAY. 591 00:20:16,915 --> 00:20:19,218 I'M NOT AFRAID OF TAKING RISKS. 592 00:20:19,251 --> 00:20:21,220 SO, THEN, I WAS TRYING TO THINK OF THE PERFECT PLACE TO PUT IT, YOU KNOW? 593 00:20:21,253 --> 00:20:23,221 YOU DON'T WANT TO PUT IT 594 00:20:23,256 --> 00:20:26,224 ON A-A BODY PART THAT'S GONNA WRINKLE OR -- OR SAG TOO MUCH, 595 00:20:26,259 --> 00:20:27,859 AND YOU DON'T WANT IT IN SOMEPLACE 596 00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:30,863 WHERE IF YOU'RE WEARING A SUIT IT WOULD SHOW. TRUE. 597 00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:33,865 SO, ON MY LOWER BACK, I WILL PUT THE WORDS 598 00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:36,868 "GO DEEP." BAM. 599 00:20:36,903 --> 00:20:38,237 THINK ABOUT IT. I HEARD IT. 600 00:20:38,270 --> 00:20:41,240 OKAY. UM... 601 00:20:41,273 --> 00:20:42,808 "DO IT." NO. MNH-MNH. 602 00:20:42,842 --> 00:20:44,210 "ALL-IN." 603 00:20:44,242 --> 00:20:45,778 NO! NO, PHIL. OH!