1 00:00:02,306 --> 00:00:03,524 OKAY. FOUND YOU. OH! 2 00:00:03,568 --> 00:00:05,179 I DO HAVE AN OPEN SEAT IN FIRST CLASS, 3 00:00:05,222 --> 00:00:06,963 IF ONE OF YOU WOULD LIKE A FREE UPGRADE. 4 00:00:07,006 --> 00:00:08,746 NO, THANK YOU. I THINK WE'LL SIT TOGETHER. 5 00:00:08,791 --> 00:00:10,400 AFTER THE AMAZING WEEKEND WE JUST HAD -- 6 00:00:10,445 --> 00:00:12,054 I'LL TAKE IT. 7 00:00:12,099 --> 00:00:13,621 Claire: I DESERVED THAT SEAT. 8 00:00:13,664 --> 00:00:16,841 THREE DAYS IN THE WOODS WITH PHIL'S EX-CHEERLEADER BUDDIES -- 9 00:00:16,885 --> 00:00:19,888 THE OLD STORIES, THE SPONTANEOUS HUMAN PYRAMIDS, 10 00:00:19,931 --> 00:00:22,326 CONSTANTLY UPDATING THEIR TUMBLER TUMBLR -- 11 00:00:22,370 --> 00:00:24,545 I SMILED THROUGH THE WHOLE THING. 12 00:00:24,588 --> 00:00:26,547 PROBLEM IS I WAS SO CONVINCING, 13 00:00:26,591 --> 00:00:29,202 PHIL THOUGHT I WAS HAVING A GREAT TIME. 14 00:00:29,245 --> 00:00:31,074 WHAT DO I WANT? SOME CREDIT. 15 00:00:31,117 --> 00:00:33,119 WHEN DO I WANT IT? NOW. 16 00:00:33,162 --> 00:00:35,338 HI. 17 00:00:35,383 --> 00:00:37,341 HEY. 18 00:00:37,384 --> 00:00:39,648 [ SIGHS ] 19 00:00:39,691 --> 00:00:41,432 I'M SORRY IF I SMELL LIKE A CAMPFIRE. 20 00:00:41,475 --> 00:00:43,085 I'VE BEEN IN THE WOODS FOR THREE DAYS. 21 00:00:43,130 --> 00:00:44,218 I HATE CAMPING. 22 00:00:44,261 --> 00:00:45,957 IF I'M EVER IN THE WOODS FOR THREE DAYS, 23 00:00:46,002 --> 00:00:47,786 IT MEANS I'VE BEEN DEAD FOR TWO OF THEM. 24 00:00:47,829 --> 00:00:49,787 [ LAUGHS ] 25 00:00:49,832 --> 00:00:51,006 WOW. 26 00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:52,313 IT FEELS GOOD TO LAUGH FOR REAL. 27 00:00:52,356 --> 00:00:53,314 [ CHUCKLES ] [ SIGHS ] 28 00:00:53,356 --> 00:00:55,271 YOU LOOK LIKE YOU NEED A DRINK. 29 00:00:55,316 --> 00:00:57,795 HON? 30 00:00:57,840 --> 00:00:59,667 TWO CHARDONNAYS AND A HOT TOWEL FOR MY FRIEND. 31 00:00:59,710 --> 00:01:01,582 RIGHT AWAY. 32 00:01:01,625 --> 00:01:04,019 I LOVE YOU, BEAUTIFUL STRANGER. 33 00:01:04,063 --> 00:01:05,674 [ BABY CRYING ] 34 00:01:05,716 --> 00:01:07,153 Phil: I HAVE TO ADMIT, I WAS A LITTLE MIFFED 35 00:01:07,197 --> 00:01:08,980 THAT CLAIRE GRABBED THE GOOD SEAT, 36 00:01:09,025 --> 00:01:10,331 ESPECIALLY AFTER I GAVE HER SUCH A MAGICAL WEEKEND, 37 00:01:10,373 --> 00:01:12,593 BUT I WAS DETERMINED TO STAY POSITIVE. 38 00:01:12,637 --> 00:01:14,290 AND THEN IT HIT ME. 39 00:01:23,561 --> 00:01:26,563 ♪♪♪ 40 00:01:27,870 --> 00:01:29,393 EVERYBODY, SAL'S HERE. 41 00:01:29,436 --> 00:01:30,176 OKAY. ALL RIGHT.Man: OH, OH. 42 00:01:30,219 --> 00:01:31,177 IS THIS STRAIGHT? 43 00:01:31,221 --> 00:01:33,049 YOU'RE THROWING A BABY SHOWER 44 00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:34,703 WITH A DOZEN MEN IN TAILORED PANTS 45 00:01:34,746 --> 00:01:35,965 SIPPING BELLINIS. 46 00:01:36,008 --> 00:01:38,140 NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS -- UGH, I CAN'T EVEN FINISH. 47 00:01:38,185 --> 00:01:40,012 REALLY? THE LAST WORD WAS TOO MUCH? SO, WE DECIDED TO GET THE GANG TOGETHER 48 00:01:42,188 --> 00:01:44,756 TO THROW OUR FRIEND SAL A BELATED BABY SHOWER. 49 00:01:44,799 --> 00:01:46,844 SHE'S BEEN A LITTLE HARD TO PIN DOWN LATELY, 50 00:01:46,889 --> 00:01:48,629 BUT WE KNEW SHE'D NEVER MISS THE CHANCE 51 00:01:48,673 --> 00:01:50,587 TO SHOWER WITH A BUNCH OF [Chuckling] MEN. 52 00:01:50,632 --> 00:01:52,590 YOU LOVE THAT JOKE, DON'T YOU? 53 00:01:52,634 --> 00:01:55,418 WELL, BECAUSE IT'S TWO DIFFERENT KINDS OF SHOWERS. 54 00:01:55,462 --> 00:01:57,420 MM-HMM. [ LAUGHS ] 55 00:01:57,465 --> 00:01:58,640 THIS IS LITTLE SAMMY. 56 00:01:58,682 --> 00:02:00,206 [ MEN AWWing ] 57 00:02:00,250 --> 00:02:01,207 THIS IS AS LONG 58 00:02:01,251 --> 00:02:02,513 AS YOU'VE EVER BEEN IN OUR HOUSE WITHOUT A COCKTAIL. 59 00:02:02,557 --> 00:02:04,340 NO, THANK YOU. JUST A WATER, PLEASE. 60 00:02:04,385 --> 00:02:05,341 [ ALL GASP ] 61 00:02:05,385 --> 00:02:07,213 OKAY, EVERYBODY, DROP YOUR PEARLS. 62 00:02:07,257 --> 00:02:08,824 I'M STILL BREASTFEEDING. 63 00:02:08,866 --> 00:02:10,304 ALL THE BOOKS SAY, "DO IT AT LEAST A YEAR." 64 00:02:10,347 --> 00:02:11,305 JOTHAM, DRINK THIS. 65 00:02:11,348 --> 00:02:12,436 I CAN'T. 66 00:02:12,479 --> 00:02:13,829 I'M LEAVING EARLY TO GO TO A HOCKEY GAME. 67 00:02:13,872 --> 00:02:14,960 KINGS VERSUS BLACKHAWKS. 68 00:02:15,003 --> 00:02:16,310 WOW. 69 00:02:16,353 --> 00:02:18,093 THEY CAN CALL A TEAM THAT? 70 00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:20,051 BLACK HAWKS. 71 00:02:20,096 --> 00:02:21,228 OH. 72 00:02:21,271 --> 00:02:22,445 I'VE GOT TO PUT THIS IN THE KITCHEN. 73 00:02:22,490 --> 00:02:23,317 I MAKE ALL MY OWN BABY FOOD. 74 00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:24,622 IT'S ALL-NATURAL, NO CHEMICALS. 75 00:02:24,665 --> 00:02:26,319 UH, WHO IS THIS WOMAN? 76 00:02:26,362 --> 00:02:28,451 SHE'S NOT DRINKING, SHE'S MAKING HER OWN BABY FOOD. 77 00:02:28,496 --> 00:02:30,105 DOES LILY HAVE ANY OTHER PLATES? 78 00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:31,889 I DON'T LET SAMMY EAT OFF THIS PLASTIC. 79 00:02:31,933 --> 00:02:33,109 UH, YEAH, THE FAR CABINET. 80 00:02:33,152 --> 00:02:34,328 MM-HMM. OH, THANKS. 81 00:02:34,371 --> 00:02:35,415 OKAY. NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE. 82 00:02:35,459 --> 00:02:36,417 I KNOW. 83 00:02:36,460 --> 00:02:37,765 HOW DOES SHE BREASTFEED HIM 84 00:02:37,808 --> 00:02:39,332 IF SHE DOESN'T LET HIM NEAR PLASTIC? 85 00:02:39,376 --> 00:02:41,335 MOM, DO I HAVE A FEVER? 86 00:02:41,377 --> 00:02:43,901 AY, LET ME CHECK. 87 00:02:45,382 --> 00:02:47,296 YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A THERMOMETER. 88 00:02:47,341 --> 00:02:49,430 DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO WHITE ALL THE TIME? 89 00:02:49,473 --> 00:02:54,129 OH, BABY, GO LAY DOWN. 90 00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:56,437 YOU'RE SUCH A BRAVE, LITTLE BOY! 91 00:02:56,479 --> 00:02:58,307 HE'S FAKING IT. 92 00:02:58,352 --> 00:02:59,353 HE'S PRETENDING TO BE SICK 93 00:02:59,396 --> 00:03:01,442 SO HE DOESN'T HAVE TO GO TO HIS COOKING CLASS. 94 00:03:01,485 --> 00:03:03,008 HE HAS TO GO. TODAY'S LASAGNA. 95 00:03:03,051 --> 00:03:05,228 I'VE BEEN STARVING MYSELF ALL DAY FOR THAT. 96 00:03:05,271 --> 00:03:06,360 HE DOESN'T WANT TO GO 97 00:03:06,402 --> 00:03:07,883 BECAUSE THERE'S A BOY THERE THAT IS PICKING ON HIM. 98 00:03:07,925 --> 00:03:09,145 COOKING CLASS? 99 00:03:09,188 --> 00:03:10,929 YOU KNOW, WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO SEND HIM 100 00:03:10,973 --> 00:03:12,016 WHERE HE CAN BE COOL. 101 00:03:12,061 --> 00:03:13,931 I KNOW. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. 102 00:03:13,975 --> 00:03:15,282 YOU HAVE TO TEACH HIM HOW TO FIGHT. 103 00:03:15,324 --> 00:03:16,500 YEAH. THAT'LL WORK. 104 00:03:16,544 --> 00:03:17,718 YOU'RE DOING THIS. 105 00:03:17,762 --> 00:03:20,156 AND DON'T TELL HIM THAT THIS IS COMING FROM ME. 106 00:03:20,199 --> 00:03:22,245 IT'S BAD FOR A BOY TO KNOW THAT HIS MOTHER THINKS HE'S WEAK. 107 00:03:22,288 --> 00:03:24,115 THAT'S A LIFETIME OF PAYING WOMEN 108 00:03:24,159 --> 00:03:25,596 TO SPANK HIM UNTIL HE CRIES. 109 00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:27,294 THE KID IS JUST NOT A FIGHTER. 110 00:03:27,336 --> 00:03:29,121 HE GETS SQUEAMISH POUNDING VEAL. 111 00:03:29,164 --> 00:03:30,296 JUST DO IT! 112 00:03:30,340 --> 00:03:32,385 FINE, BUT I'M ONLY DOING IT FOR THE LASAGNA 113 00:03:32,429 --> 00:03:35,084 AND THE EXTRA FOOD HE'S BEEN BRINGING HOME ON SUNDAYS. 114 00:03:35,127 --> 00:03:37,086 MAKES MONDAYS EASIER, YOU KNOW? 115 00:03:37,128 --> 00:03:39,393 OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE THE GARFIELD. 116 00:03:39,436 --> 00:03:40,394 HEY. 117 00:03:40,437 --> 00:03:41,437 ONE OF YOU PRETTY LADIES 118 00:03:41,481 --> 00:03:43,265 WANT TO TAKE ME TO MEET A GIRL LATER? 119 00:03:43,310 --> 00:03:45,442 YOU THINK CALLING US PRETTY IS GONNA GET YOU A RIDE? 120 00:03:45,485 --> 00:03:46,442 I'LL TAKE IT. 121 00:03:46,486 --> 00:03:47,662 LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU WANT TO LEAVE. 122 00:03:47,704 --> 00:03:49,925 BESIDES, I LIKE ROSE. I THINK SHE'S GOOD FOR YOU. 123 00:03:49,968 --> 00:03:51,840 THIS IS A NEW GIRL -- SARAH. 124 00:03:51,883 --> 00:03:53,929 I'M DONE WITH ROSE. SHE CRAZY. 125 00:03:53,972 --> 00:03:56,147 EASY, MACKLEMORE. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "CRAZY"? 126 00:03:56,192 --> 00:03:57,846 Alex: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HE MEANS. 127 00:03:57,889 --> 00:04:00,282 ANY TIME A WOMAN CHALLENGES A MAN IN ANY WAY, 128 00:04:00,326 --> 00:04:02,329 SUDDENLY, SHE'S CRAZY. 129 00:04:02,372 --> 00:04:04,287 SO, WHAT DID SHE DO THAT WAS SO CRAZY, LUKE -- 130 00:04:04,330 --> 00:04:05,635 GIVE YOU HER OPINION? 131 00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:09,423 YEAH, OR WHAT, DID SHE DARE TO TALK ABOUT HER FEELINGS? 132 00:04:09,466 --> 00:04:12,382 THE WORDS SOUND LIKE YOU GET IT, BUT YOUR TONE IS THROWING ME. 133 00:04:12,425 --> 00:04:14,557 JUST TELL ME YOU SAID SOMETHING NICE WHEN YOU BROKE UP WITH HER. 134 00:04:14,602 --> 00:04:15,907 [ SCOFFS ] I HAVEN'T BROKEN UP WITH HER. 135 00:04:15,950 --> 00:04:16,560 WHAT?! WHAT?! 136 00:04:16,603 --> 00:04:17,735 IT JUST SEEMS WEIRD 137 00:04:17,778 --> 00:04:20,346 TO CALL SOMEONE UP AND GIVE THEM BAD NEWS. 138 00:04:20,389 --> 00:04:21,564 SHE'LL FIND OUT SOMEHOW. 139 00:04:21,608 --> 00:04:24,088 UGH.UGH, WHEN DID YOU BECOME A GUY? IT'S GROSS. 140 00:04:24,132 --> 00:04:26,134 YOU NEED TO STAND UP AND FACE HER. 141 00:04:26,177 --> 00:04:27,136 IN PERSON? 142 00:04:27,178 --> 00:04:28,877 WHAT ARE WE, 30? SEND HER A TEXT. 143 00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:30,182 YOU NEED TO BREAK IT TO HER GENTLY. 144 00:04:30,225 --> 00:04:31,314 FIRST, TELL HER SHE'S AWESOME. 145 00:04:31,358 --> 00:04:32,706 AND PRETTY. 146 00:04:32,750 --> 00:04:35,012 IF SHE WAS AWESOME AND PRETTY, I WOULDN'T BE DUMPING HER. 147 00:04:35,057 --> 00:04:36,144 JUST DO IT, YOU PIG. 148 00:04:36,187 --> 00:04:37,668 [ SCOFFS ][ SCOFFS ] 149 00:04:37,711 --> 00:04:39,322 WE ALL KNOW I'M NOT GONNA DO IT, 150 00:04:39,365 --> 00:04:41,846 SO IF YOU WANT IT DONE, HERE. 151 00:04:43,500 --> 00:04:45,980 OH, AND DON'T GO LOOKING AROUND ON THERE. 152 00:04:46,024 --> 00:04:48,548 IT'S NOT GONNA MAKE YOU LIKE ME MORE. 153 00:04:48,591 --> 00:04:49,680 UGH. 154 00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:52,509 [ SNORING ] 155 00:04:52,552 --> 00:04:54,555 [ CELLPHONE CLATTERS ] 156 00:04:58,819 --> 00:05:00,387 'S-SCUSE ME. I THINK YOU'RE IN MY SEAT. 157 00:05:00,430 --> 00:05:02,257 SIR, WE THINK YOU'RE IN HER SEAT. 158 00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:04,826 NO, I'M DEFINITELY 16C. 159 00:05:04,869 --> 00:05:06,480 THIS IS 19C. 160 00:05:06,523 --> 00:05:08,002 OH, DARN IT, THAT'S THREE ROWS UP. 161 00:05:08,045 --> 00:05:09,351 SORRY ABOUT THAT. 162 00:05:09,396 --> 00:05:11,005 THAT'S ALL RIGHT. 163 00:05:11,048 --> 00:05:12,572 HI. WELCOME. 164 00:05:12,615 --> 00:05:13,617 UM, COULD YOU HANG BACK A SECOND? 165 00:05:13,661 --> 00:05:14,574 I-I DROPPED MY PHONE. 166 00:05:14,617 --> 00:05:17,925 I MAY HAVE, UH, WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR... 167 00:05:17,968 --> 00:05:20,014 RIGHT THERE.WAIT. WHAT? 168 00:05:20,057 --> 00:05:21,146 [ CHUCKLES ] HI. 169 00:05:21,189 --> 00:05:22,495 I'M A PROFESSIONAL MAGICIAN. 170 00:05:22,538 --> 00:05:24,497 HOLY SWORD-BOX, YOU'RE EDWARD LeGRAND. 171 00:05:24,540 --> 00:05:25,586 YEAH, I AM. I AM. 172 00:05:25,629 --> 00:05:26,716 I-I'M PHIL DUNPHY, 173 00:05:26,761 --> 00:05:28,632 P-PROFESSIONAL REALTOR, AMATEUR MAGICIAN. 174 00:05:28,675 --> 00:05:30,242 WELL, NICE TO MEET YOU.HI. I'M JILLIAN. 175 00:05:30,286 --> 00:05:31,374 I'VE BEEN TOLD I HAVE MAGIC HANDS. 176 00:05:31,418 --> 00:05:32,505 [ BOTH LAUGH ] 177 00:05:32,548 --> 00:05:33,810 I'M A MASSEUSE.OH. 178 00:05:33,855 --> 00:05:35,725 WHY DO YOU KEEP RUBBING YOUR FOREARM LIKE THAT? 179 00:05:35,769 --> 00:05:37,598 OH, I-I HAD A SUITCASE LAND ON ME.OH, LET ME SEE. 180 00:05:37,641 --> 00:05:38,990 HEY, PHIL...OHH. 181 00:05:39,033 --> 00:05:40,077 ...I'VE GOT A GREAT NEW TRICK I WANT TO SHOW YOU. 182 00:05:40,122 --> 00:05:42,384 OH! OOH, I CAN DO TRICKS, TOO. 183 00:05:42,428 --> 00:05:44,387 THIS SPOT'S CONNECTED TO YOUR TONGUE. 184 00:05:44,430 --> 00:05:46,040 OH. OHH! 185 00:05:46,084 --> 00:05:47,084 [ CHUCKLES ] 186 00:05:47,129 --> 00:05:48,173 CAN I STOW YOUR BAG FOR YOU? 187 00:05:48,216 --> 00:05:51,088 MM. NO, WE'LL BE NEEDING THIS. 188 00:05:51,132 --> 00:05:52,961 TRASHY MAGAZINES. 189 00:05:53,004 --> 00:05:54,528 OH, YOU'RE THE BEST. 190 00:05:54,571 --> 00:05:57,487 OOH. CARAMEL TRUFFLES. 191 00:05:57,531 --> 00:05:59,446 I EVEN BROUGHT AN EXTRA FLUFFY NECK PILLOW. 192 00:05:59,488 --> 00:06:00,838 OH! 193 00:06:00,882 --> 00:06:04,406 OH, THIS MUST BE WHAT A MOTHER'S HUG FEELS LIKE. 194 00:06:04,451 --> 00:06:06,540 [ CELLPHONE RINGS ][ MOANS ] 195 00:06:06,583 --> 00:06:07,932 HELLO? 196 00:06:07,975 --> 00:06:10,108 WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE SHE'S TAKING GOOD CARE OF YOU. 197 00:06:10,151 --> 00:06:11,632 WELL, SHE IS MY BEST FRIEND. 198 00:06:11,675 --> 00:06:12,762 [ CHUCKLES ]LISTEN TO ME, JULIO. 199 00:06:12,807 --> 00:06:16,550 I WANT THE GUTTERS CLEANED TODAY, NOT MAÑANA. 200 00:06:16,593 --> 00:06:18,115 IF EVERYONE THOUGHT MY PEOPLE WERE LAZY, 201 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:21,990 I WOULD DO WHATEVER IT TOOK TO NOT SEEM LAZY. 202 00:06:22,033 --> 00:06:24,122 COMPRENDE? 203 00:06:24,165 --> 00:06:26,036 ACTUALLY, WE'RE GONNA TAKE OFF SOON, 204 00:06:26,081 --> 00:06:27,560 SO WE'RE GONNA NEED YOU TO TURN OFF YOUR PHONE. 205 00:06:27,603 --> 00:06:30,694 I'M ACTUALLY NOT DONE TALKING, AND TWO MORE. 206 00:06:30,737 --> 00:06:31,781 WELL, IF I WERE YOU, 207 00:06:31,826 --> 00:06:34,915 I'D PUT DOWN THE BURRITO AND GET UP THAT LADDER. 208 00:06:34,959 --> 00:06:35,872 [ CELLPHONE BEEPS ] 209 00:06:35,917 --> 00:06:37,004 [ SIGHS ] 210 00:06:37,048 --> 00:06:38,572 WHAT ARE YOU DOING STANDING THERE 211 00:06:38,615 --> 00:06:41,009 AND NOT GETTING DRINKS FOR ME AND MY GOOD FRIEND, CLAIRE? 212 00:06:41,052 --> 00:06:43,576 ACTUALLY, WE JUST MET. MM. 213 00:06:45,055 --> 00:06:46,536 OH, GUYS, GUYS, 214 00:06:46,579 --> 00:06:49,103 I CAN'T LET YOU DO THE CLEANUP ALL BY YOURSELVES. 215 00:06:49,146 --> 00:06:50,452 RONALDO WILL HELP YOU. 216 00:06:50,497 --> 00:06:51,454 OF COURSE! 217 00:06:51,497 --> 00:06:52,889 UH, WHERE IS SAL? 218 00:06:52,933 --> 00:06:55,283 I NEED HER KEYS TO START LOADING THE GIFTS IN HER CAR. 219 00:06:55,326 --> 00:06:57,504 I THINK SHE'S CHANGING SAMMY IN OUR ROOM. 220 00:06:57,547 --> 00:07:00,071 I HOPE SHE'S ALSO CHANGING THOSE DRAPES. OH! 221 00:07:00,115 --> 00:07:02,247 I DON'T WANT TO SOUND LIKE A SENTIMENTAL SOFTY, 222 00:07:02,290 --> 00:07:03,379 BUT DOES ANYONE MISS 223 00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,120 THE DRUNKEN WHORE SHE USED TO BE? 224 00:07:05,163 --> 00:07:06,600 OH, I LIKE THE NEW SAL. 225 00:07:06,642 --> 00:07:09,341 TURNS OUT, ALL SHE NEEDED TO BRING OUT HER MATERNAL INSTINCT 226 00:07:09,384 --> 00:07:10,473 WAS A LITTLE BABY. 227 00:07:10,516 --> 00:07:12,127 I DON'T BUY IT. NO, SOMETHING'S UP. 228 00:07:12,170 --> 00:07:14,476 YOU DO REMEMBER HER SUGGESTING WE CHUCK LILY INTO THE OCEAN. 229 00:07:14,521 --> 00:07:16,523 OH, MITCHELL, CALM DOWN. BABIES CHANGE PEOPLE. 230 00:07:16,565 --> 00:07:18,307 LIKE YOU USED TO BE A JUDGMENTAL CYNIC, 231 00:07:18,350 --> 00:07:20,656 AND THEN LILY -- OH, WAIT. 232 00:07:20,701 --> 00:07:22,528 YOU GUYS, SAL'S NOT BACK THERE. 233 00:07:22,572 --> 00:07:25,139 SAL?THE DRAPES STILL ARE. 234 00:07:25,182 --> 00:07:26,620 WELL, THAT'S WEIRD. HER CAR'S GONE. 235 00:07:26,663 --> 00:07:27,620 WHAT?! 236 00:07:27,663 --> 00:07:28,622 LET'S NOT JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS. 237 00:07:28,665 --> 00:07:30,884 IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD, HER CAR COULD HAVE BEEN STOLEN. 238 00:07:30,927 --> 00:07:32,625 WELL, YOU KNOW, SHE DID SEEM FRAZZLED. 239 00:07:32,668 --> 00:07:34,322 MAY-- MAYBE SHE FORGOT TO SAY GOODBYE. 240 00:07:34,365 --> 00:07:35,932 OH, AND FORGOT ALL OF HER PRESENTS. 241 00:07:35,976 --> 00:07:39,370 [ BABY CRYING ][ GASPS ] 242 00:07:39,415 --> 00:07:40,547 AND FORGOT HER BABY. 243 00:07:40,590 --> 00:07:42,504 YOU DON'T THINK THAT THERE'S ANY WAY THAT SHE WOULD -- 244 00:07:42,548 --> 00:07:43,505 N-NO. 245 00:07:43,550 --> 00:07:44,680 I-I CAN'T EVEN SAY IT. 246 00:07:44,725 --> 00:07:46,161 I CAN. 247 00:07:46,204 --> 00:07:48,206 THAT GIN-SOAKED TART ABANDONED THE LITTLE BASTARD. 248 00:07:48,250 --> 00:07:49,555 OH, ST-- 249 00:07:49,598 --> 00:07:51,687 WHAT? HE'S FATHERLESS. 250 00:07:51,731 --> 00:07:54,298 AM I WRONG? 251 00:07:57,954 --> 00:07:59,000 OKAY, I'VE CALLED SAL FIVE TIMES, 252 00:07:59,043 --> 00:08:00,305 AND SHE STILL HASN'T PICKED UP. 253 00:08:00,348 --> 00:08:02,132 I KNEW THIS WHOLE "EARTH MOTHER" THING WAS AN ACT. 254 00:08:02,177 --> 00:08:04,745 [ Singsong voice ] OH, MAYBE WE SHOULD USE OUR HAPPY VOICES 255 00:08:04,788 --> 00:08:06,310 WHEN WE'RE ACCUSING A MOMMY 256 00:08:06,355 --> 00:08:07,964 OF ABANDONING HER LITTLE BABY BOY. 257 00:08:08,009 --> 00:08:11,141 UGH. THIS IS A TRUE DISASTER.ISN'T IT? 258 00:08:11,185 --> 00:08:12,535 SOMEONE PUT A SPANISH ROOF 259 00:08:12,579 --> 00:08:14,754 ON WHAT IS CLEARLY A MID-CENTURY RANCH. 260 00:08:14,798 --> 00:08:15,755 OH, NO. 261 00:08:15,798 --> 00:08:17,408 SOMEONE JUST WENT NUMERO TWO. 262 00:08:17,452 --> 00:08:18,759 Pepper: OH![ Normal voice ] YEAH. 263 00:08:18,802 --> 00:08:20,108 AND THE AFTERSHOCKS ARE STILL ROLLING IN. 264 00:08:20,151 --> 00:08:22,502 HERE'S HER DIAPER BAG. AND...WHAT'S -- 265 00:08:23,937 --> 00:08:25,766 OH, NO. THIS -- UH, H-HERE'S A NOTE. 266 00:08:25,809 --> 00:08:27,158 "I'M SORRY TO LEAVE THIS WAY. 267 00:08:27,201 --> 00:08:28,377 "I'M NOT PROUD OF IT, 268 00:08:28,420 --> 00:08:29,769 "BUT I JUST CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. 269 00:08:29,812 --> 00:08:31,206 GOODBYE. SAL." 270 00:08:31,249 --> 00:08:33,817 [ Singsong voice ] IT'S GETTING HARDER AND HARDER 271 00:08:33,860 --> 00:08:35,514 TO KEEP A POSITIVE SPIN ON THIS. 272 00:08:37,778 --> 00:08:39,213 [ Slurring ] HERE. HAVE SOME CHEESE. 273 00:08:39,256 --> 00:08:41,607 OH, NO. THANK YOU. I'M -- I'M GOOD. 274 00:08:41,650 --> 00:08:43,173 OH, MY. 275 00:08:43,217 --> 00:08:44,784 THAT IS [CLEARS THROAT] STRONG. 276 00:08:44,827 --> 00:08:46,700 OH, MY GOODNESS. 277 00:08:46,743 --> 00:08:49,136 HEY. WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT? 278 00:08:49,179 --> 00:08:51,269 IT'S FRENCH CHEESE. 279 00:08:51,312 --> 00:08:53,140 COSTS MORE THAN YOU MAKE IN A WEEK. 280 00:08:53,183 --> 00:08:54,969 OKAY, YOU MIGHT WANT TO KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN. 281 00:08:55,011 --> 00:08:56,710 CLAIRE. YEAH? 282 00:08:56,753 --> 00:08:59,015 That guy over there is checking you out! 283 00:08:59,059 --> 00:09:00,626 I DON'T THINK HE IS. 284 00:09:00,669 --> 00:09:03,586 MY FRIEND CLAIRE WOULD LIKE TO MEET YOU IN THE BATHROOM. 285 00:09:03,629 --> 00:09:06,240 NO. I-I DID NOT SAY THAT. 286 00:09:06,283 --> 00:09:08,938 CLAIRE, WHY DO YOU DO THAT TO YOURSELF? 287 00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:11,419 YOU ARE SO PRETTY. 288 00:09:11,462 --> 00:09:13,378 HEY, PHIL, WHAT TIME IS IT? 289 00:09:13,422 --> 00:09:14,423 WHAT'S WRONG? 290 00:09:14,466 --> 00:09:18,034 MY WATCH IS GO-- EDWARD, WHAT DID YOU DO? 291 00:09:18,078 --> 00:09:19,863 JILLIAN, WHAT'S YOUR, UH, MIDDLE INITIAL? 292 00:09:19,907 --> 00:09:21,211 "C," FOR CATHERINE. 293 00:09:21,255 --> 00:09:24,432 AND, PHIL, UH, WHAT AGE WERE YOU WHEN YOU FIRST KISSED A GIRL? 294 00:09:24,475 --> 00:09:26,477 12 COUSIN, 14 NON-COUSIN. 295 00:09:26,522 --> 00:09:28,437 LET'S STICK WITH NON-COUSIN. 296 00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:31,395 I THINK IF YOU GO TO 14C, SEAT RIGHT OVER THERE, 297 00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:33,963 YOU'LL WIND UP WITH WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR. 298 00:09:34,008 --> 00:09:35,443 [ Laughing ] IT WORKS ON BATTERY, 299 00:09:35,486 --> 00:09:38,490 BUT, OH, MY GOD, I'M EXCITED! 300 00:09:41,275 --> 00:09:42,232 EXCUSE ME. 301 00:09:42,277 --> 00:09:43,495 PHIL. IT'S ME. OH, HEY. 302 00:09:43,538 --> 00:09:44,626 WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK HERE? I NEED A BREAK 303 00:09:44,671 --> 00:09:46,062 FROM THE WOMAN I'M SITTING NEXT TO UP THERE. 304 00:09:46,106 --> 00:09:48,500 SHE IS THE WORST PERSON ON EARTH. I'M SORRY. 305 00:09:48,543 --> 00:09:50,807 I WAS HOPING SHE MIGHT BE A LITTLE LESS AGGRESSIVE WITH YOU. 306 00:09:50,850 --> 00:09:52,504 DO YOU MIND SWITCHING WITH ME FOR A LITTLE WHILE? 307 00:09:52,548 --> 00:09:54,418 OH, HONEY, YOU DON'T WANT TO. IT'S HELL BACK HERE, TOO. 308 00:09:54,462 --> 00:09:55,985 I'M SQUISHED BETWEEN THIS FAT LADY 309 00:09:56,029 --> 00:09:57,900 WHO KEEPS DIGGING INTO MY ELBOW 310 00:09:57,945 --> 00:09:59,076 AND THIS HUGE, SWEATY DUDE 311 00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:00,990 WHO WON'T STOP BLABBING ON ABOUT HIS JOB. 312 00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:02,210 OH. 313 00:10:02,253 --> 00:10:03,820 WELL, COULD I GET A HUG? I COULD REALLY USE ONE. 314 00:10:03,864 --> 00:10:06,214 SURE THING. OOPS. THEY WANT US BACK IN OUR SEATS. 315 00:10:06,256 --> 00:10:07,823 [ GRUNTS ] I DIDN'T HEAR THE LITTLE DING. 316 00:10:07,868 --> 00:10:08,825 YOUR EARS MUST BE PLUGGED. 317 00:10:08,869 --> 00:10:10,653 WHOA! DID YOU FEEL THAT? 318 00:10:10,697 --> 00:10:12,089 NO, I-I-I DIDN'T FEEL ANYTHING. 319 00:10:12,133 --> 00:10:14,525 THIS IS SCARY. YOU SHOULD GO BACK. 320 00:10:18,529 --> 00:10:21,272 AMAZING. 321 00:10:21,316 --> 00:10:23,057 THANK YOU. 322 00:10:23,100 --> 00:10:24,667 Sorcerer! 323 00:10:24,711 --> 00:10:26,538 [ GRUNTS ] NOT BAD. I FELT THAT ONE. 324 00:10:26,581 --> 00:10:28,322 SO GOOD, MANNY. 325 00:10:28,365 --> 00:10:29,846 ALL RIGHT, REALLY LET ONE GO THIS TIME. 326 00:10:29,889 --> 00:10:31,892 THINKS ABOUT HOW MAD THIS GUY MAKES YOU. 327 00:10:31,934 --> 00:10:33,501 WHAT'S HIS NAME? GIDEON. 328 00:10:33,544 --> 00:10:34,721 OH, GEEZ. 329 00:10:34,764 --> 00:10:36,331 ALL RIGHT, THINK ABOUT WHAT HE DID TO YOU. 330 00:10:36,374 --> 00:10:38,594 I'D RATHER NOT TALK ABOUT IT. 331 00:10:39,769 --> 00:10:41,509 I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE SMILING. YOUR FENNEL'S BURNT. 332 00:10:41,552 --> 00:10:43,903 WHEREAS I MADE A PERFECT BUTTERNUT SQUASH. 333 00:10:43,947 --> 00:10:44,947 THAT'S JUST BUTTER. 334 00:10:44,991 --> 00:10:47,298 OH, YEAH, I-I TOTALLY FORGOT THE NUT SQUASH! 335 00:10:47,341 --> 00:10:49,256 [ Laughing ] OH![ GROANS ] 336 00:10:49,299 --> 00:10:51,128 SNAP IT. SNAP IT. GOOD. 337 00:10:51,172 --> 00:10:52,826 MORE. GOOD. I'M DONE. 338 00:10:52,869 --> 00:10:54,957 I'M NOT FIGHTING ANYMORE. IT'S NOT WORTH IT. 339 00:10:55,001 --> 00:10:56,264 BUT YOU'RE DOING SO GOOD. 340 00:10:56,307 --> 00:10:58,482 YOU JUST HAVE TO TURN YOUR SHOULDER FIRST 341 00:10:58,527 --> 00:11:00,833 SO THAT YOU CAN THROW YOUR WEIGHT BEHIND YOUR PUNCH. 342 00:11:01,965 --> 00:11:02,923 IF YOU WANT. 343 00:11:02,966 --> 00:11:04,924 I ALREADY THINK THAT YOU'RE VERY TOUGH. 344 00:11:04,967 --> 00:11:06,840 THIS IS ALL JAY'S IDEA. 345 00:11:06,883 --> 00:11:08,928 ALL RIGHT. COME ON, KID. SHOW 'EM WHO'S BOSS. 346 00:11:08,971 --> 00:11:09,711 NO. 347 00:11:09,755 --> 00:11:11,932 I'M MORE OF A LOVER THAN A FIGHTER. 348 00:11:11,975 --> 00:11:13,716 WELL, THAT'S THE GOAL, ANYWAY. 349 00:11:13,759 --> 00:11:17,067 AY, OKAY, PAPI, WHATEVER YOU DECIDE. 350 00:11:17,110 --> 00:11:18,981 DON'T LET HIM LEAVE THIS ROOM! OW, OW, OW! 351 00:11:19,025 --> 00:11:21,375 MAYBE YOUSHOULD TEACH HIM HOW TO HIT. 352 00:11:21,418 --> 00:11:22,812 OH, MY GOD. CHECK IT OUT. 353 00:11:22,855 --> 00:11:24,770 ROSE GOT YOUR BREAKUP TEXT AND WROTE BACK. 354 00:11:24,813 --> 00:11:25,772 SHE MAD. 355 00:11:25,815 --> 00:11:27,774 WHAT? GIVE ME THAT. 356 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:31,734 "THANKS FOR THE DUMBEST BREAKUP TEXT EVER. 357 00:11:31,778 --> 00:11:33,169 "DON'T CALL A GIRL AWESOME, THEN BREAK UP WITH HER. 358 00:11:33,213 --> 00:11:35,519 "IF I'M SO GREAT, WHY'D YOU DUMP ME? 359 00:11:35,563 --> 00:11:38,087 GET OVER YOURSELF, YOU INSENSITIVE TROLL"? 360 00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:41,308 WHAT IS HER PROBLEM? SHE CAN'T TALK TO YOU LIKE THAT. 361 00:11:41,351 --> 00:11:43,702 [ CHUCKLES ] SHE'S NOT. SHE'S TALKING TO YOU. 362 00:11:44,878 --> 00:11:46,575 I CAN'T BELIEVE I EVER LIKED THIS GIRL. 363 00:11:46,618 --> 00:11:48,620 OUR TEXT WAS COMPASSIONATE AND RESPECTFUL. 364 00:11:48,663 --> 00:11:50,360 THERE WAS NOTHING DUMB ABOUT IT. 365 00:11:50,404 --> 00:11:52,014 A MILLION PERCENT. 366 00:11:52,058 --> 00:11:53,581 WHAT ARE YOU DOING?[ Chuckling ] OH. 367 00:11:53,625 --> 00:11:57,933 THIS CRAZY BITCH JUST MESSED WITH THE WRONG CRAZY BITCH. 368 00:11:57,977 --> 00:11:59,109 WHOO, WHOO, WHOO, DEE, DOO! 369 00:11:59,153 --> 00:12:00,240 [ SCOFFS ] THIS IS UNREAL. 370 00:12:00,283 --> 00:12:01,764 WE ALWAYS KNEW SAL WAS UNSTABLE, 371 00:12:01,807 --> 00:12:02,982 BUT HOW COULD SHE DO THIS? 372 00:12:03,025 --> 00:12:04,854 WE DON'T KNOW THAT SHE'S DONE ANYTHING. 373 00:12:04,898 --> 00:12:06,769 OKAY, LET'S JUST SUPPOSE FOR A SECOND 374 00:12:06,812 --> 00:12:08,423 THAT SHE'S ON A PLANE TO CABO. 375 00:12:08,466 --> 00:12:09,684 WHAT THEN? 376 00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:10,903 MAYBE THIS IS PART OF A BIGGER PLAN. 377 00:12:10,947 --> 00:12:12,166 YOU KNOW, MAYBE THE REASON 378 00:12:12,208 --> 00:12:13,863 WE DIDN'T ADOPT ANOTHER BABY AFTER LILY 379 00:12:13,907 --> 00:12:16,996 WAS BECAUSE GOD WANTED US AVAILABLE FOR SAMMY. 380 00:12:17,039 --> 00:12:19,042 WHO IS THIS GOD THAT DENIES US A BABY, 381 00:12:19,086 --> 00:12:20,696 THEN GETS A PARTY GIRL PREGNANT, 382 00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:22,871 ONLY TO HAVE HER DESERT THE BABY SO THAT WE CAN FINALLY GET ONE? 383 00:12:22,916 --> 00:12:24,787 THE SAME GOD THAT IMPREGNATED A VIRGIN, 384 00:12:24,831 --> 00:12:27,224 SENT MOSES DOWN THE RIVER IN A BASKET, 385 00:12:27,268 --> 00:12:30,183 AND COMMANDED ABRAHAM TO STAB HIS OWN SON. 386 00:12:30,226 --> 00:12:32,663 GOD ONLY DOES WEIRD BABY STUFF. 387 00:12:32,707 --> 00:12:34,187 OKAY, YES, I'LL ADMIT, 388 00:12:34,230 --> 00:12:36,015 THERE IS PART OF ME THAT WOULD LOVE TO KEEP THIS LITTLE GUY 389 00:12:36,058 --> 00:12:38,148 AND RAISE HIM THE WAY SAL WAS PRETENDING TO. 390 00:12:38,192 --> 00:12:39,802 EXACTLY. LILY COULD HAVE A BABY BROTHER. 391 00:12:39,846 --> 00:12:41,238 BUT THERE ARE SYSTEMS IN PLACE HERE. 392 00:12:41,282 --> 00:12:43,587 YOU CAN'T JUST KEEP HIM LIKE A BUNNY YOU FOUND IN THE YARD. 393 00:12:43,631 --> 00:12:45,460 THAT'S CRAZY.AWW. 394 00:12:45,503 --> 00:12:47,244 LISTEN, WE DISCUSSED IT, 395 00:12:47,288 --> 00:12:49,202 AND WE THINK WE SHOULD TAKE THE KID. 396 00:12:49,245 --> 00:12:51,073 EE! WHAT SHOULD WE CALL HIM? 397 00:12:51,118 --> 00:12:53,163 NOT SURE, BUT DEFINITELY NOT SAMMY. 398 00:12:53,206 --> 00:12:54,990 SAMMY SALTZMAN SOUNDS SO SILLY. 399 00:12:55,034 --> 00:12:56,036 [ BOTH LAUGH ] 400 00:12:58,125 --> 00:13:00,866 WE CAN OVERHAND SHUFFLE, 401 00:13:00,909 --> 00:13:03,043 AND WE CAN RIFFLE SHUFFLE... 402 00:13:03,086 --> 00:13:04,217 [ Dramatically ] BUT, YOU KNOW, 403 00:13:04,260 --> 00:13:08,875 THERE IS NO ESCAPE FROM THE ANGRY... 404 00:13:08,918 --> 00:13:10,092 QUEEN. WHAT? 405 00:13:10,136 --> 00:13:12,008 PHIL. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 406 00:13:12,052 --> 00:13:14,880 MAKING THE BEST OF A BAD SITUATION? 407 00:13:14,923 --> 00:13:16,011 WHY IS THAT WOMAN RUBBING YOUR SHOULDERS? 408 00:13:16,056 --> 00:13:18,057 OH, UH, JILLIAN IS A MASSEUSE, 409 00:13:18,100 --> 00:13:21,191 AND THIS, OF COURSE, IS EDWARD LeGRAND. 410 00:13:21,235 --> 00:13:23,062 PLEASURE TO MEET YOU. 411 00:13:23,105 --> 00:13:24,933 NOW, IF YOU COULD JUST GIVE ME MY ACE OF SPADES BACK -- 412 00:13:24,977 --> 00:13:26,413 IT'S IN YOUR POCKET. 413 00:13:26,456 --> 00:13:28,850 THIS IS WHY YOU HAD TO RACE BACK TO YOUR HELLISH SEAT -- 414 00:13:28,894 --> 00:13:30,984 FOR BACK RUBS AND CARD TRICKS? 415 00:13:31,027 --> 00:13:32,899 DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH UP THERE? 416 00:13:32,942 --> 00:13:34,422 SHE CLIPPED HER TOENAILS 417 00:13:34,465 --> 00:13:37,120 BECAUSE HER "ORIENTAL GIRL" DIDN'T DO IT RIGHT. 418 00:13:37,163 --> 00:13:38,947 CLAIRE, I'M SORRY. 419 00:13:38,991 --> 00:13:40,863 BUT I NEED YOU TO CHECK YOUR POCKET. 420 00:13:40,907 --> 00:13:42,908 [ INHALES DEEPLY ] 421 00:13:44,998 --> 00:13:46,042 INSANITY! 422 00:13:46,086 --> 00:13:48,870 THANK YOU VERY MUCH.[ CHUCKLES ] 423 00:13:48,914 --> 00:13:50,003 DON'T BE MAD AT ME. 424 00:13:50,046 --> 00:13:51,743 YOU'RE THE ONE WHO GRABBED THAT SEAT. 425 00:13:51,787 --> 00:13:52,875 THAT WAS A PRETTY SELFISH MOVE. 426 00:13:52,918 --> 00:13:54,442 YEAH, I DID GRAB THAT SEAT, 427 00:13:54,485 --> 00:13:56,530 BECAUSE I SPENT THE ENTIRE WEEKEND BEING SELFLESS, 428 00:13:56,573 --> 00:13:58,097 AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN THANK ME ONCE. 429 00:13:58,140 --> 00:14:00,230 WHY WOULD I THANK YOU FOR GIVING YOU AN AWESOME WEEKEND? 430 00:14:00,274 --> 00:14:01,448 AWESOME? 431 00:14:01,491 --> 00:14:03,972 YOU SPENT THE WHOLE WEEKEND REHASHING STORIES 432 00:14:04,017 --> 00:14:06,496 ABOUT ITCHY, RUSTY, AND LOVEBOAT. 433 00:14:06,541 --> 00:14:07,976 HOW IS THAT FUN FOR ME?! 434 00:14:08,020 --> 00:14:09,283 THEY WERE ALWAYS GETTING INTO STUFF! 435 00:14:09,326 --> 00:14:10,893 I CAME BACK HERE FOR SOME COMPASSION, 436 00:14:10,937 --> 00:14:12,938 AND ALL YOU DID WAS LIE TO ME AND BLOW ME OFF 437 00:14:12,981 --> 00:14:15,028 SO YOU COULD KEEP HAVING YOUR FUN 438 00:14:15,071 --> 00:14:17,291 WHILE I SUFFER UP THERE IN FIRST CLASS! 439 00:14:17,333 --> 00:14:18,769 OH, MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU. 440 00:14:18,813 --> 00:14:20,293 OH, STICK IT, KRESKIN. 441 00:14:20,336 --> 00:14:23,731 I'M SITTING NEXT TO A CHEESE-EATING RACIST. 442 00:14:23,774 --> 00:14:24,907 I'M SORRY ABOUT YOUR CARD. 443 00:14:24,951 --> 00:14:26,517 YEAH, UH... 444 00:14:26,561 --> 00:14:27,518 DON'T BE. 445 00:14:27,562 --> 00:14:28,911 SON OF A... 446 00:14:28,955 --> 00:14:30,520 ALL RIGHT. 447 00:14:30,565 --> 00:14:31,913 I'LL BE BACK -- PICK YOU UP AT 6:00. 448 00:14:31,957 --> 00:14:33,350 NOW, REMEMBER, WHAT DID I TEACH YOU? 449 00:14:33,394 --> 00:14:35,308 VIOLENCE SOLVES EVERYTHING, 450 00:14:35,351 --> 00:14:37,136 AND DON'T WIND MY FIST UP LIKE POPEYE. 451 00:14:37,179 --> 00:14:39,703 IT'S NOT VIOLENCE. IT'S SELF-DEFENSE. 452 00:14:39,748 --> 00:14:42,054 YOU CANNOT LET THIS KID KEEP PUSHING YOU AROUND. 453 00:14:42,097 --> 00:14:43,970 NOW, YOU WALK IN THERE LIKE A BADASS, 454 00:14:44,013 --> 00:14:46,798 AND YOU MAKE THE BEST DAMN LASAGNA ANYBODY'S EVER SEEN. 455 00:14:46,841 --> 00:14:49,713 I APPRECIATE THE SPEECH, JAY, BUT I'LL HANDLE THINGS MY WAY. 456 00:14:49,758 --> 00:14:50,889 KID, ONE MORE THING. 457 00:14:52,107 --> 00:14:53,326 DON'T FORGET THE GARLIC BREAD. 458 00:14:54,370 --> 00:14:56,330 BECAUSE WITHOUT THAT...I-I GET IT. 459 00:14:56,373 --> 00:14:57,591 [ CAR DOOR CLOSES ] 460 00:14:57,634 --> 00:15:01,160 HEY, DELGADO. 461 00:15:01,203 --> 00:15:04,033 MANNY, I'M TALKING TO YOU. YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS? 462 00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:08,951 OW! WHAT WAS THAT FOR? 463 00:15:08,995 --> 00:15:10,518 LOOKS LIKE I GAVE YOU A PIECE OF THIS. 464 00:15:10,561 --> 00:15:11,735 WHAT THE HELL? 465 00:15:11,779 --> 00:15:13,086 I WAS JUST OFFERING YOU SOME APPLE CRUMBLE! 466 00:15:13,129 --> 00:15:14,826 WHAT? YOU WERE NOT. 467 00:15:14,870 --> 00:15:17,828 YES, I WAS! I FELT BAD ABOUT TEASING YOU. 468 00:15:17,873 --> 00:15:18,961 MY THERAPIST SAID 469 00:15:19,004 --> 00:15:20,048 I WAS ACTING OUT BECAUSE OF MY PARENTS' DIVORCE, 470 00:15:20,092 --> 00:15:21,789 SO I WAS TRYING TO BE NICE. 471 00:15:21,832 --> 00:15:25,010 I'M SO SORRY. I DIDN'T KNOW! 472 00:15:25,053 --> 00:15:25,967 GOOD SHOT, KID! 473 00:15:26,011 --> 00:15:28,361 THAT'LL TEACH YOU WHO TO PICK ON, YOU PUNK -- 474 00:15:28,404 --> 00:15:29,537 NOT MY BOY! 475 00:15:29,580 --> 00:15:30,972 HE LEARNED HOW TO PUNCH FROM THE BEST. 476 00:15:31,017 --> 00:15:32,408 HIS PARENTS ARE GETTING DIVORCED, 477 00:15:32,452 --> 00:15:34,106 AND HE MADE ME THAT DESSERT AS AN APOLOGY. 478 00:15:34,149 --> 00:15:37,240 THIS WHOLE THING WAS YOUR MOTHER'S IDEA. 479 00:15:41,635 --> 00:15:43,855 RONALDO, YOU GRAB THE ROLLER THINGY, AND, UH -- 480 00:15:43,899 --> 00:15:47,076 OH! I'LL GRAB THAT BIG MESH CAGE. 481 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:48,076 ALL RIGHT. EVERYBODY, STOP. 482 00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:50,253 YOU CAN'T JUST KEEP A BABY 483 00:15:50,297 --> 00:15:53,038 LIKE IT'S SOME RABBIT YOU FOUND IN THE YARD. 484 00:15:53,081 --> 00:15:55,389 THERE ARE SYSTEMS IN PLACE. WOW. 485 00:15:55,432 --> 00:15:57,390 HE HAS TO STAY SOMEWHERE TONIGHT, NO? 486 00:15:57,433 --> 00:15:59,261 YEAH, HOW ABOUT RIGHT HERE, 487 00:15:59,306 --> 00:16:01,090 BECAUSE WE KNOW HOW TO RAISE A CHILD? 488 00:16:01,134 --> 00:16:02,091 OH, PLEASE. 489 00:16:02,134 --> 00:16:03,222 WE'LL DRESS HIM AND FEED HIM, 490 00:16:03,265 --> 00:16:05,006 AND CONCHETTA CAN HANDLE THE POOPY STUFF. 491 00:16:05,051 --> 00:16:07,226 I GAVE HER OBAMACARE. IT'S THE LEAST SHE CAN DO. 492 00:16:07,269 --> 00:16:09,097 WE ALL WANT WHAT'S BEST FOR THE BABY. 493 00:16:09,142 --> 00:16:12,231 Y-YOU'RE VERY NICE PEOPLE, BUT WE'VE DONE THIS BEFORE.MM-HMM. 494 00:16:12,274 --> 00:16:14,234 SO? IT'S OUR TURN. 495 00:16:14,277 --> 00:16:15,278 [ SIGHS ] 496 00:16:15,322 --> 00:16:16,932 I WANTED A CHILD FOR SOME TIME NOW. 497 00:16:16,975 --> 00:16:18,412 MY BIOLOGICAL CLOCK IS TICKING. 498 00:16:18,455 --> 00:16:20,196 THAT'S THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING I'VE EVER HEARD. 499 00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:22,416 IS IT? I'M 44.OR THATIS. 500 00:16:22,458 --> 00:16:24,113 YOU ARE ONE MEAN LADY. 501 00:16:24,157 --> 00:16:26,158 WE'RE NOT LEAVING WITHOUT FELIPE. 502 00:16:26,201 --> 00:16:27,595 WELL, THEN, YOU'RE NOT LEAVING. 503 00:16:27,638 --> 00:16:29,205 [ SCOFFS ] FINE! 504 00:16:33,514 --> 00:16:36,255 [ SAMMY BABBLES ] 505 00:16:36,298 --> 00:16:38,998 DID WE SETTLE ON "FELIPE"? 506 00:16:42,653 --> 00:16:44,654 [ SIGHS ] 507 00:16:46,308 --> 00:16:47,267 PHIL. 508 00:16:47,309 --> 00:16:48,181 HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 509 00:16:48,224 --> 00:16:49,965 [ Slurring ] ONE SECOND. 510 00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:52,272 SO, I HAVE 20 FUR COATS IN MY CLOSET, 511 00:16:52,315 --> 00:16:54,230 BUT I'M THE ONLY ONE OF MY FRIENDS 512 00:16:54,274 --> 00:16:56,057 WHO EVEN WEARS THEM ANYMORE, 513 00:16:56,101 --> 00:16:59,756 SO YOU TELL ME WHO'S ENDANGERED. 514 00:16:59,801 --> 00:17:01,455 JILLIAN'S WAITING FOR YOU IN MY SEAT 515 00:17:01,498 --> 00:17:03,326 TO GIVE YOU A LITTLE BACK RUB. 516 00:17:03,370 --> 00:17:04,545 YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS. 517 00:17:04,587 --> 00:17:06,460 YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO BE SO GREAT THIS WEEKEND. 518 00:17:06,502 --> 00:17:09,201 BUT YOU WERE, SO THANK YOU. 519 00:17:09,244 --> 00:17:10,333 AND I SHOULD HAVE SAID THAT EARLIER. 520 00:17:10,376 --> 00:17:11,987 MWAH! 521 00:17:12,030 --> 00:17:13,423 GO ENJOY THE REST OF YOUR FLIGHT. 522 00:17:13,467 --> 00:17:14,423 I'LL DEAL WITH THIS. 523 00:17:14,468 --> 00:17:16,122 "DEAL WITH THIS"? 524 00:17:16,164 --> 00:17:19,125 I'M A STATE SENATOR'S MISTRESS. 525 00:17:19,167 --> 00:17:21,952 YOU'RE MY HERO. 526 00:17:21,997 --> 00:17:23,693 [ DOOR OPENS ] 527 00:17:23,738 --> 00:17:25,434 Gloria: WIPE YOUR FEET BEFORE YOU COME IN! 528 00:17:25,479 --> 00:17:26,914 LISTEN TO THAT. 529 00:17:26,958 --> 00:17:28,568 FIRST THING OUT OF HER MOUTH, SHE'S TELLING US WHAT TO DO. 530 00:17:28,612 --> 00:17:29,700 WELL, THAT STOPS TODAY. 531 00:17:29,743 --> 00:17:31,136 WE GO IN STRONG. WE HOLD OUR GROUND. 532 00:17:31,180 --> 00:17:33,964 WE LET HER KNOW SHE'S DONE PUSHING US AROUND. 533 00:17:34,009 --> 00:17:35,880 MANNY, WHY ARE YOU HOME SO EARLY? 534 00:17:35,923 --> 00:17:37,447 DID YOU LET HIM SKIP SCHOOL? 535 00:17:37,490 --> 00:17:38,448 NO, MOM. 536 00:17:38,491 --> 00:17:39,536 I WAS KICKED OUT 537 00:17:39,579 --> 00:17:41,494 FOR PUNCHING A REALLY MISUNDERSTOOD KID, 538 00:17:41,538 --> 00:17:42,538 THANKS TO YOU. 539 00:17:42,583 --> 00:17:43,539 THANKS TO ME? WHAT, DID -- 540 00:17:43,584 --> 00:17:44,540 I TOLD HIM EVERYTHING. 541 00:17:44,585 --> 00:17:46,239 AND YOU KNOW WHAT WE REALIZED? 542 00:17:46,281 --> 00:17:49,328 THERE ISA BULLY IN OUR LIFE, AND IT'S YOU. 543 00:17:49,372 --> 00:17:52,375 YOU MAKE THE RULES, YOU BOSS US AROUND, 544 00:17:52,419 --> 00:17:54,463 AND WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE. MM. YEAH. 545 00:17:54,508 --> 00:17:56,117 AH, LOOK AT YOU TWO, 546 00:17:56,162 --> 00:17:58,337 STANDING UP TO THE BIG, SCARY BULLY 547 00:17:58,381 --> 00:18:00,775 THAT LOVES YOU AND PROTECTS YOU 548 00:18:00,817 --> 00:18:03,082 AND WANTS YOU TO BE SAFE IN THIS WORLD. 549 00:18:04,299 --> 00:18:08,217 YOU'RE JUST TINY, LITTLE MEN TO ME RIGHT NOW, 550 00:18:08,260 --> 00:18:11,351 AND YOU NEED TO LEAVE THIS HOUSE AND COME BACK WITH MORE RESPECT! 551 00:18:11,394 --> 00:18:12,178 AND A PIZZA. 552 00:18:13,527 --> 00:18:14,788 [ GASPS ] OH, WHAT? 553 00:18:14,832 --> 00:18:16,790 YOU NEED TO GO FIRST AND CHECK ON YOUR MASCARA? 554 00:18:16,834 --> 00:18:18,270 WE DO NEED TO EAT. YEAH. 555 00:18:18,314 --> 00:18:19,358 I WOULDN'T MIND SOME PIZZA. 556 00:18:19,402 --> 00:18:21,011 WE'RE NOT GETTING ANY PINEAPPLE. 557 00:18:21,056 --> 00:18:22,404 YOU ARE GETTING PINEAPPLE! 558 00:18:22,449 --> 00:18:23,318 WE'RE TAKING IT OFF OUR SLICES. 559 00:18:23,363 --> 00:18:24,972 DON'T WASTE ANY FOOD, JAY! 560 00:18:25,016 --> 00:18:26,496 I THINK WE MADE OUR POINT.TOTALLY. 561 00:18:26,539 --> 00:18:29,499 WE'LL GET OUR OWN PIZZA -- EAT IT IN THE CAR. 562 00:18:29,542 --> 00:18:32,414 [ DOOR CLOSES ] 563 00:18:32,459 --> 00:18:33,807 GIVE ME ONE REASON 564 00:18:33,851 --> 00:18:36,506 WHY SAMMY SHOULD STAY HERE TONIGHT INSTEAD OF WITH US. 565 00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:38,028 BECAUSE WE'RE EXPERIENCED PARENTS. 566 00:18:38,073 --> 00:18:39,335 WE HAVE A CRIB! 567 00:18:39,378 --> 00:18:42,424 [ SIGHS ]WE HAVE A PEDIATRICIAN. OUR HOUSE IS BABYPROOFED. 568 00:18:42,469 --> 00:18:44,339 OUR HOUSE WAS IN ARCHITECTURAL DIGEST. 569 00:18:44,384 --> 00:18:45,776 RONALDO, PLEASE, YOU'RE NOT HELPING. 570 00:18:45,819 --> 00:18:47,212 THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS. 571 00:18:47,256 --> 00:18:49,345 HOW CAN YOU EVEN FIT ANOTHER CHILD IN THIS SHOE BOX? 572 00:18:49,388 --> 00:18:50,519 YOU'RE POOR! 573 00:18:50,564 --> 00:18:52,434 WE HAVE A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE WITH A BIG YARD 574 00:18:52,479 --> 00:18:54,175 WHERE HE COULD THROW THE BALL WITH THE GARDENER. 575 00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:55,568 OKAY, LOOK. 576 00:18:55,612 --> 00:18:57,179 IF ANYBODY'S GONNA ADOPT SAMMY, IT'S GONNA BE US. 577 00:18:57,222 --> 00:18:58,180 OH! 578 00:18:58,223 --> 00:18:59,615 WHOA! DO I HAVE ANY SAY IN THIS? 579 00:18:59,660 --> 00:19:02,357 SAL! OH, WELL, YOU'RE BACK. 580 00:19:02,402 --> 00:19:04,403 WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU FOUR DOING? 581 00:19:04,446 --> 00:19:06,188 YOU WALKED OUT OF HERE AND LEFT YOUR BABY WITHOUT SAYING A WORD, 582 00:19:06,231 --> 00:19:07,406 SO MAYBE WE'LL BE ASKING THE QUESTIONS. 583 00:19:07,450 --> 00:19:09,409 I TOLD JOHN JOHN WHERE I WAS GOING. 584 00:19:09,451 --> 00:19:10,539 THE DRUNKEST GUY AT THE PARTY. 585 00:19:10,584 --> 00:19:11,846 EXCUSE ME FOR NOT WANTING 586 00:19:11,888 --> 00:19:13,368 TO INTERRUPT YOUR FIERCE DEBATE -- 587 00:19:13,413 --> 00:19:16,241 "WHO'S HOTTER, MR. CLEAN OR THE BRAWNY PAPER TOWEL MAN?" 588 00:19:16,285 --> 00:19:17,329 MR. CLEAN.BRAWNY PAPER TOWEL GUY. 589 00:19:17,373 --> 00:19:18,634 WE'RE NOT GOING BACK THERE. 590 00:19:18,679 --> 00:19:20,375 THAT STILL DOESN'T EXPLAIN WHY YOU WOULD LEAVE 591 00:19:20,420 --> 00:19:22,248 IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR OWN BABY SHOWER. 592 00:19:22,290 --> 00:19:24,467 I GOT FREAKED OUT WHEN JOTHAM MENTIONED THE BLACKHAWKS. 593 00:19:24,510 --> 00:19:26,425 EVERY TIME. I HEAR IT EVERY TIME. 594 00:19:26,469 --> 00:19:27,862 SAMMY'S DAD IS ON THE TEAM, OKAY? 595 00:19:27,904 --> 00:19:29,558 AND HE DIDN'T KNOW SAMMY EXISTED -- 596 00:19:29,603 --> 00:19:32,039 AT LEAST NOT UNTIL I JUST WENT DOWN THERE AND I TOLD HIM. 597 00:19:32,083 --> 00:19:33,824 OH, GOSH. WHAT HAPPENED? HOW DID HE TAKE IT? 598 00:19:33,867 --> 00:19:35,391 IT TURNS OUT HE'S MARRIED. 599 00:19:35,434 --> 00:19:37,567 YEAH, I COULD HAVE GOOGLED THAT. SO HE'S OUT. 600 00:19:37,611 --> 00:19:41,048 AND YOU THOUGHT I DESERTED MY OWN BABY? 601 00:19:41,092 --> 00:19:42,310 YOU DID LEAVE. 602 00:19:42,355 --> 00:19:43,355 AND THEN WHAT -- WHAT'S UP WITH THIS NOTE, HUH? 603 00:19:43,398 --> 00:19:44,443 LOOK -- "I'M SORRY TO LEAVE THIS WAY. 604 00:19:44,487 --> 00:19:46,009 I'M NOT PROUD OF IT, BUT I JUST CAN'T DO THIS." 605 00:19:46,054 --> 00:19:47,272 THIS DIAPER BAG 606 00:19:47,316 --> 00:19:50,450 IS JUST A RECYCLED PURSE FROM MY SINGLE DAYS! 607 00:19:50,492 --> 00:19:52,756 I GOT A LOT OF THESE NOTES LYING AROUND FOR QUICK GETAWAYS. 608 00:19:54,279 --> 00:19:56,933 YOU GUYS DON'T THINK THAT I CAN DO THIS, DO YOU?NO! 609 00:19:56,978 --> 00:19:58,674 WE ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU COULD DO IT.I CERTAINLY DON'T. 610 00:19:58,719 --> 00:19:59,675 WE DON'T THINK YOU CAN'TDO IT. SHUT UP! 611 00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:00,807 I DON'T THINK I CAN DO IT, EITHER! 612 00:20:00,851 --> 00:20:02,288 OH, SAL. 613 00:20:02,330 --> 00:20:05,377 I MEAN, IT'S JUST [BREATHES DEEPLY] 614 00:20:05,421 --> 00:20:07,162 SO HARD. 615 00:20:07,205 --> 00:20:09,859 I FEEL SO GUILTY THAT HE DOESN'T HAVE A DAD IN THE PICTURE. 616 00:20:09,903 --> 00:20:12,298 I DON'T KNOW. I'M TRYING TO DO EVERYTHING PERFECTLY. 617 00:20:12,340 --> 00:20:13,342 IT'S EXHAUSTING. 618 00:20:13,385 --> 00:20:15,518 AND I HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN LIKE A YEAR. 619 00:20:15,561 --> 00:20:17,259 [ ALL GASP ] 620 00:20:17,303 --> 00:20:19,260 [ SAMMY COOS ] 621 00:20:19,305 --> 00:20:20,609 OH! Cameron: OH. 622 00:20:20,653 --> 00:20:21,654 [ SAMMY COOS ] 623 00:20:21,698 --> 00:20:23,178 THIS LITTLE DUDE -- 624 00:20:23,221 --> 00:20:26,615 HE'S THE ONE THING IN MY LIFE THAT I CANNOT MESS UP. 625 00:20:26,660 --> 00:20:29,402 [ SIGHS ] 626 00:20:29,444 --> 00:20:31,055 I JUST WISH I COULD GIVE HIM A DAD. 627 00:20:31,098 --> 00:20:33,753 WELL... WHAT ABOUT US? 628 00:20:33,797 --> 00:20:36,191 WE COULD BE SAMMY'S DAD.ALL OF US. 629 00:20:36,234 --> 00:20:37,278 YEAH, SAL, WE LOVE YOU, 630 00:20:37,323 --> 00:20:38,759 AND WE'RE ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU -- WHATEVER YOU NEED. 631 00:20:38,801 --> 00:20:41,282 EXCEPT WE'LL BE IN CAPRI ALL OF JULY. 632 00:20:41,326 --> 00:20:42,675 SERIOUSLY, SAL, 633 00:20:42,719 --> 00:20:45,287 YOU AND SAMMY WILL NEVER BE ALONE. 634 00:20:45,330 --> 00:20:46,680 YOU GUYS ARE SO SWEET. 635 00:20:46,722 --> 00:20:47,681 [ CHUCKLES ] 636 00:20:47,723 --> 00:20:49,290 WAIT. JUNE'S NO GOOD, EITHER. 637 00:20:49,335 --> 00:20:51,728 I'M GETTING MY NECK DONE. [ INHALES SHARPLY ] 638 00:20:56,690 --> 00:20:57,517 OH, MY GOD! WHAT DID YOU DO?! 639 00:20:57,559 --> 00:20:59,387 WE STUCK UP FOR YOU. 640 00:20:59,432 --> 00:21:00,519 YEAH, ROSE HAD IT COMING. 641 00:21:00,563 --> 00:21:02,304 SHE CAN'T TALK TO YOU THE WAY WE DO. 642 00:21:02,347 --> 00:21:04,174 WELL, ROSE FORWARDED YOUR TEXT TO SARAH, 643 00:21:04,219 --> 00:21:06,526 AND NOW SARAH DOESN'T WANT TO GO OUT WITH ME. 644 00:21:06,568 --> 00:21:07,701 GIVE ME THAT PHONE. 645 00:21:07,743 --> 00:21:10,137 WHAT DID THIS SKANK SARAH SAY TO YOU? 646 00:21:10,181 --> 00:21:11,138 HUH. 647 00:21:11,182 --> 00:21:13,532 MM, YEAH. OUCH. GOOD OPENING. 648 00:21:13,576 --> 00:21:14,882 [ LAUGHS ] 649 00:21:14,924 --> 00:21:16,317 THAT'S SO FUNNY! WE TOTALLY DESERVED THAT. 650 00:21:16,362 --> 00:21:18,493 TOTALLY! GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR. 651 00:21:18,538 --> 00:21:20,365 MM. OH, MY GOD. I LOVE HER. 652 00:21:20,409 --> 00:21:21,497 ME, TOO. 653 00:21:21,540 --> 00:21:23,193 DON'T WORRY, LUKE. WE'RE GONNA WIN HER BACK. 654 00:21:23,238 --> 00:21:24,500 WE'RE JUST G-- 655 00:21:24,544 --> 00:21:27,111 LUKE? 656 00:21:27,154 --> 00:21:29,461 YOU THINK MAYBE WE NEED DATES OF OUR OWN? 657 00:21:29,505 --> 00:21:30,723 SO BAD.