1 00:00:02,736 --> 00:00:04,371 YOU'RE STILL ON THAT THING? 2 00:00:04,405 --> 00:00:06,573 WHAT ARE YOU CONSTANTLY LOOKING AT ON YOUR COMPUTER? 3 00:00:06,607 --> 00:00:07,875 IS THAT A QUESTION YOU REALLY WANT PEOPLE ASKING AROUND HERE? 4 00:00:07,908 --> 00:00:09,176 INDEED, IT IS NOT. 5 00:00:09,210 --> 00:00:11,079 I'M JUST CHECKING COLLEGE ACCEPTANCES. 6 00:00:11,112 --> 00:00:12,480 I MEAN, THEY SHOULD BE POSTING THEM ANY DAY. 7 00:00:12,512 --> 00:00:14,214 Claire: YOU CANNOT SPEND YOUR ENTIRE SPRING BREAK 8 00:00:14,247 --> 00:00:15,983 WORRYING ABOUT COLLEGE ADMISSIONS. 9 00:00:16,015 --> 00:00:18,719 YOU SHOULD GO TO THAT -- THAT MUSIC FESTIVAL THING WITH HALEY. 10 00:00:18,751 --> 00:00:20,521 DO SOMETHING FUN. LEARN TO RELAX A -- 11 00:00:20,553 --> 00:00:22,890 DO WE HAVE TO KEEP EVERY REMOTE WE HAVE EVER OWNED? 12 00:00:22,922 --> 00:00:26,193 SOMEWHERE IN A LANDFILL, A LaserDisc JUST EJECTED. 13 00:00:26,227 --> 00:00:28,228 UH, I CAN'T BRING ALEX TO THE FESTIVAL 14 00:00:28,262 --> 00:00:31,231 BECAUSE I AM GOING FOR WORK TO RESEARCH NEW FASHION TRENDS. 15 00:00:31,265 --> 00:00:32,899 I NEED TO BLEND IN, YOU KNOW? 16 00:00:32,932 --> 00:00:34,701 EVERYONE WILL THINK SHE'S A COP. 17 00:00:34,734 --> 00:00:37,704 WELL, I COULD SIT HERE AND WORRY AND RUIN MY DAY, 18 00:00:37,737 --> 00:00:39,906 OR I COULD GO WITH HALEY AND RUIN HERS. 19 00:00:39,939 --> 00:00:41,542 I'LL GRAB MY SUNSCREEN. 20 00:00:41,575 --> 00:00:43,444 GOOD MORNING. HEY, DAD. 21 00:00:43,476 --> 00:00:45,878 I HATE TO SHAME YOU, BUT HALEY WOKE UP BEFORE YOU. 22 00:00:45,912 --> 00:00:47,581 WELL, HALEY DIDN'T RUN A 10K YESTERDAY 23 00:00:47,615 --> 00:00:49,116 TO RAISE AWARENESS FOR ALOPECIA. 24 00:00:49,149 --> 00:00:50,384 WHAT'S ALOPECIA? 25 00:00:50,417 --> 00:00:51,951 THAT IS WHY I RUN. 26 00:00:51,984 --> 00:00:53,521 HONEY, I COULD REALLY USE YOUR HELP 27 00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:55,088 WITH SPRING CLEANING TODAY. 28 00:00:55,122 --> 00:00:56,923 I GOT TO GET ALL THESE BOXES DOWN TO THE DONATION CENTER. 29 00:00:56,957 --> 00:00:59,259 WISH I COULD, BUT I'VE GOT WORK. 30 00:00:59,292 --> 00:01:00,960 THEN LUKE AND I HAVE GOT SOME IMPORTANT TRAMPOLINING TO DO. 31 00:01:00,993 --> 00:01:04,031 I JUST LOVE HOW EQUALLY WE DIVIDE OUR RESPONSIBILITIES. 32 00:01:04,063 --> 00:01:05,733 FIGURED WE'D DO A LITTLE FATHER/SON BONDING 33 00:01:05,766 --> 00:01:07,435 SINCE YOUR SCHOOL TRIP WAS CANCELED. 34 00:01:07,468 --> 00:01:09,137 OH. YOU CAN TEACH ME THE DUNPHY TUCK. 35 00:01:09,170 --> 00:01:10,771 [ CHUCKLES ] 36 00:01:10,804 --> 00:01:12,739 I LOVE YOUR ENTHUSIASM, SON, BUT IT'S WAY TOO DANGEROUS. 37 00:01:12,772 --> 00:01:14,707 ONE WRONG MOVE, AND YOU'RE EATING SPRINGS. 38 00:01:14,742 --> 00:01:16,277 Claire: OH, NO, NO, THOSE ARE -- 39 00:01:16,310 --> 00:01:18,646 IS THAT MY BANJO? HMM? 40 00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:20,948 WHEN I MET THIS LITTLE LADY SITTING NEXT TO ME, 41 00:01:20,980 --> 00:01:22,816 IT WAS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT. 42 00:01:22,849 --> 00:01:25,152 YEP, I'VE BEEN NOODLING AROUND ON THE OL' FLYSWATTER 43 00:01:25,186 --> 00:01:27,120 FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS NOW. 44 00:01:27,155 --> 00:01:29,722 I WAS INSPIRED BY THE GREATS -- SCRUGGS, KERMIT. 45 00:01:29,757 --> 00:01:31,391 IT'S HARD TO PRACTICE, THOUGH, 46 00:01:31,424 --> 00:01:33,627 BECAUSE IT GETS CLAIRE SO HOT AND BOTHERED. 47 00:01:33,661 --> 00:01:35,962 [ PLAYING BANJO POORLY ] 48 00:01:37,631 --> 00:01:39,066 * WHAT DO YOU -- 49 00:01:39,098 --> 00:01:41,301 [ Seductively ] I THINK I'VE HEARD ENOUGH. 50 00:01:44,671 --> 00:01:46,140 LUCKY FOR YOU, I'VE GOT TIME 51 00:01:46,174 --> 00:01:47,841 FOR A COUPLE VERSES OF "SHORTNIN' BREAD." 52 00:01:47,875 --> 00:01:49,277 NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. 53 00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:51,278 NO, NO, IT'S IN THE BOX. IT'S LEAVING THE HOUSE. 54 00:01:51,311 --> 00:01:53,013 I-I CAN NEVER HEAR THAT AWFUL THING AGAIN. 55 00:01:53,045 --> 00:01:54,682 BUT YOU CALLED ME "BANJOVI." I KNOW. 56 00:01:54,715 --> 00:01:56,917 I DID WHATEVER WAS NECESSARY TO MAKE IT STOP. 57 00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:58,918 WAIT. DOES THAT MEAN YOU ALSO DIDN'T LIKE MY BAGPIPING? 58 00:01:58,951 --> 00:02:00,287 IS THAT WHY WE HAVE LUKE?! 59 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:01,489 IT'S NOT. 60 00:02:01,522 --> 00:02:03,123 Is it? 61 00:02:03,156 --> 00:02:05,692 *** 62 00:02:15,536 --> 00:02:18,306 AY, CAM, NO DESSERT FOR YOU? NO, NONE FOR ME. 63 00:02:18,338 --> 00:02:19,706 I HAVE TO FIT INTO A SKINTIGHT CAT COSTUME TONIGHT 64 00:02:19,740 --> 00:02:21,108 BECAUSE I'M GONNA -- 65 00:02:21,140 --> 00:02:22,975 WHATEVER YOU DO BEHIND CLOSED DOORS 66 00:02:23,009 --> 00:02:24,645 IS YOUR OWN BUSINESS. 67 00:02:24,677 --> 00:02:26,680 BECAUSE I'M SINGING "MEMORY" AT THE FACULTY FOLLIES. 68 00:02:26,713 --> 00:02:28,014 IT'S A FUNDRAISER 69 00:02:28,048 --> 00:02:29,817 WHERE THE TEACHERS DO A LITTLE TALENT SHOW. 70 00:02:29,849 --> 00:02:31,185 AY, MAYBE I COME SEE YOU. 71 00:02:31,218 --> 00:02:32,853 I NEED TO FIND SOMETHING TO WATCH 72 00:02:32,885 --> 00:02:34,655 SINCE I HAD TO GIVE UP MY SOAP OPERAS. 73 00:02:34,687 --> 00:02:36,156 OH, BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN NEGLECTING JOE? 74 00:02:36,189 --> 00:02:38,825 NO, IT'S BECAUSE I ASKED JAY TO STOP SMOKING CIGARS, 75 00:02:38,859 --> 00:02:40,493 AND HE SAID THAT HE WOULD QUIT 76 00:02:40,527 --> 00:02:42,695 IF I STOPPED WATCHING THE SOAP OPERAS. 77 00:02:42,729 --> 00:02:43,963 BUT IT'S VERY HARD. 78 00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:45,299 WHAT'S SO DAMN HARD? 79 00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:46,834 IT'S THE SAME THING EVERY WEEK -- 80 00:02:46,866 --> 00:02:48,235 AMNESIA, EVIL TWINS, 81 00:02:48,269 --> 00:02:50,304 TWO LADIES END UP FIGHTING IN A FOUNTAIN. 82 00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:52,840 I MEAN, WHAT IS IT? IS IT SOME SORT OF AN ESCAPE? 83 00:02:52,872 --> 00:02:56,075 IT'S BETTER THAN BLOWING SMOKE IN OUR BABY'S FACE. 84 00:02:56,109 --> 00:02:58,045 WHERE DID HE GO, ANYWAYS? 85 00:02:58,078 --> 00:03:00,046 OH, THERE'S AN E-MAIL FROM LILY'S SCOUT CAMP. 86 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:02,014 I HOPE EVERYTHING'S OKAY. SHE'S FINE. 87 00:03:02,049 --> 00:03:03,984 MITCHELL'S NERVOUS BECAUSE HE'S NOT A CAMPER. 88 00:03:04,016 --> 00:03:05,686 HIS IDEA OF ROUGHING IT IS A HOTEL STAY 89 00:03:05,718 --> 00:03:07,354 WHERE THE CABLE DOESN'T GET BRAVO. 90 00:03:07,388 --> 00:03:09,556 THEY SHOULD TELL YOU THAT WHEN YOU CHECK IN. 91 00:03:09,590 --> 00:03:11,359 OH, BOY. OKAY, HERE'S A PHOTO, LOOK. 92 00:03:11,391 --> 00:03:13,326 SHE'S USING THE SIGNAL. WHAT SIGNAL? 93 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:14,995 THE KIDS AREN'T ALLOWED TO CALL THEIR PARENTS, 94 00:03:15,027 --> 00:03:17,730 BUT THE CAMP SENDS OUT PHOTOS, SO WE HAVE A CODE. 95 00:03:17,764 --> 00:03:19,332 YEAH, "WE." 96 00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:21,368 ONE FINGER, SHE'S FINE. TWO FINGERS, SHE'S UNHAPPY. 97 00:03:21,401 --> 00:03:23,069 LOOK AT THIS -- TWO FINGERS. 98 00:03:23,103 --> 00:03:24,538 I DON'T LOOK AT PICTURES ON A PHONE. 99 00:03:24,572 --> 00:03:26,539 IF IT'S A GOOD SHOT, GET A PRINT, PUT IT IN AN ALBUM. 100 00:03:26,574 --> 00:03:28,276 INTERESTING TIME TO TAKE A STAND. 101 00:03:28,308 --> 00:03:29,877 BUT SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S JUST DOING 102 00:03:29,909 --> 00:03:31,579 THE BUNNY EARS BEHIND HER GIRLFRIEND. 103 00:03:31,611 --> 00:03:33,180 WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT SHE WOULD DO 104 00:03:33,212 --> 00:03:35,081 TO GET A SECRET SIGNAL PAST THE AUTHORITIES. 105 00:03:35,115 --> 00:03:36,949 OKAY, IT'S A SCOUT CAMP, NOT LEAVENWORTH. 106 00:03:36,984 --> 00:03:38,852 SHE'S SMILING. WHAT ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT? 107 00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:42,188 BECAUSE IT'S HER FIRST TIME AWAY FROM HOME. IT -- 108 00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:44,057 YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S PROBABLY IT. 109 00:03:44,091 --> 00:03:45,626 I'M JUST -- I'M STRESSING OUT, SO -- 110 00:03:45,658 --> 00:03:47,360 YOU KNOW, I'M -- I'M GONNA GO TO THE OFFICE 111 00:03:47,395 --> 00:03:48,762 AND PICK UP SOME PAPERWORK. 112 00:03:48,795 --> 00:03:50,298 YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA TAG ALONG WITH YOU. 113 00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:51,632 YOU CAN DROP ME OFF AT THE CLUB. 114 00:03:51,664 --> 00:03:53,199 I'm not really going to the office. 115 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:54,567 Don't care. Need a cigar. 116 00:03:54,602 --> 00:03:57,271 [ ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ] 117 00:03:57,305 --> 00:03:59,406 BASED OFF THE WALK I JUST TOOK, 118 00:03:59,439 --> 00:04:01,474 SIDE-BOOB IS THE NEW BUTT CRACK. 119 00:04:01,508 --> 00:04:03,477 SO, YOU WANT TO HEAD DOWN FRONT? 120 00:04:03,510 --> 00:04:04,745 ALEX! 121 00:04:04,777 --> 00:04:06,145 OKAY, YOU NEED TO DRINK THIS. 122 00:04:06,179 --> 00:04:08,115 I'LL GET A NEW ONE. 123 00:04:08,147 --> 00:04:09,417 UH, IS THERE VODKA IN HERE? 124 00:04:09,449 --> 00:04:10,818 IF THERE IS, IT'S NOT 125 00:04:10,850 --> 00:04:13,586 DOING ANYBODY ANY GOOD UNTIL I GET IT IN THERE. 126 00:04:15,087 --> 00:04:16,723 MICHELANGELO TALKED ABOUT CHISELING 127 00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:18,425 BEAUTIFUL SCULPTURES OUT OF MARBLE. 128 00:04:18,459 --> 00:04:21,093 WELL, MY CHISEL IS A LONG ISLAND ICED TEA, 129 00:04:21,127 --> 00:04:24,632 AND I USE IT TO FREE THE PARTY GIRL FROM THE BLOCK OF NERD. 130 00:04:24,665 --> 00:04:26,966 MUSIC!! 131 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:29,502 YEAH! 132 00:04:29,536 --> 00:04:32,840 NOT ALL MY SCULPTURES ARE MASTERPIECES. 133 00:04:32,872 --> 00:04:34,841 HEY. 134 00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:36,444 I'M HO-- 135 00:04:36,476 --> 00:04:38,678 [ BANJO PLAYING "TURKEY IN THE STRAW" ] 136 00:04:44,817 --> 00:04:46,420 OH, AMAZING! 137 00:04:46,454 --> 00:04:47,687 [ CLEARS THROAT ] 138 00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:49,689 HONEY, WERE YOU LISTENING? ISN'T HE GOOD? 139 00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:51,091 REALLY GOOD. YEAH. 140 00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:52,459 REALLY GOOD. 141 00:04:52,492 --> 00:04:54,362 I -- I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T LIKE THE BANJO. 142 00:04:54,394 --> 00:04:55,829 I DIDN'T THINK I DID, EITHER, 143 00:04:55,862 --> 00:04:57,297 BUT THERE'S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT THE WAY HE PLAYS. 144 00:04:57,331 --> 00:04:59,332 IT'S SO... IT'S SO MUSICAL. 145 00:04:59,367 --> 00:05:02,134 MM-HMM. SO, WHAT'S THIS, A SURPRISE FOR OLD DAD? 146 00:05:02,168 --> 00:05:04,504 YOU BEEN SECRETLY TAKING LESSONS FOR MONTHS, PROBABLY LONGER? 147 00:05:04,538 --> 00:05:06,473 NOPE. I JUST STARTED MESSING AROUND WITH IT TODAY. 148 00:05:06,507 --> 00:05:08,641 AND YOU LEARNED A WHOLE SONG. 149 00:05:08,675 --> 00:05:10,877 ACTUALLY, HE LEARNED TWO! PLAY HIM THE OTHER ONE. 150 00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:12,480 I'M GOOD, THANKS. 151 00:05:12,512 --> 00:05:14,146 ARE THOSE MY SHOES? 152 00:05:14,180 --> 00:05:15,949 I FOUND THEM IN THE BOX OF DONATIONS. 153 00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:17,216 THEY FIT HIM PERFECTLY. 154 00:05:17,250 --> 00:05:18,951 IF ANYTHING, THEY'RE A LITTLE SNUG. 155 00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:20,319 WELL, HE CAN KICK THEM OFF, 156 00:05:20,353 --> 00:05:22,055 'CAUSE WE ARE ABOUT TO DO SOME TRAMPOLINING. 157 00:05:22,088 --> 00:05:23,624 TIME TO LEARN THE DUNPHY TUCK. 158 00:05:23,656 --> 00:05:25,393 I THOUGHT YOU SAID HE COULD GET HURT DOING THAT. 159 00:05:25,425 --> 00:05:26,959 IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE SAFE ALL THE TIME. 160 00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:30,029 YOU CAN GET HURT JUST WALKING INTO YOUR OWN HOUSE. 161 00:05:30,062 --> 00:05:31,632 Cameron: OKAY, I'M GONNA GO HANG MY COSTUME UP 162 00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:33,701 IN MY DRESSING ROOM AND START WARMING UP MY VOICE. 163 00:05:33,733 --> 00:05:35,502 [ CLEARS THROAT ] DRESSING ROOM? AY, SHOW ME. 164 00:05:35,536 --> 00:05:37,504 I CAN'T. IT'S THE HANDICAPPED STALL IN THE MEN'S ROOM. 165 00:05:37,538 --> 00:05:39,172 BUT TONIGHT IS NOT ABOUT CAMERON TUCKER. 166 00:05:39,206 --> 00:05:41,475 IT'S ABOUT THE KIDS. * ME-ME-ME-ME-ME-ME 167 00:05:41,509 --> 00:05:43,644 COACH TUCKER. Cameron: SEÑOR KAPLAN. 168 00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:46,146 OH. WHAT IS THAT, A CAVEMAN COSTUME? 169 00:05:46,178 --> 00:05:48,481 NO, I JUST SIGNED UP TO SING "MEMORY" FROM "CATS." 170 00:05:48,516 --> 00:05:50,918 ALTHOUGH I HOPE I'M NOT ON AFTER THE "GREASE" CHORUS. 171 00:05:50,951 --> 00:05:52,485 THEY'RE A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW. 172 00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:55,855 "MEMORY"? BUT THAT IS YOUR SONG. 173 00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:57,557 "MEMORY"? BUT THAT WAS HIS SONG. TWO CAT COSTUMES? 174 00:05:57,591 --> 00:05:59,158 WELL, WE CAN'T BOTH SING THE SAME SONG. 175 00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:01,060 I MEAN, THAT WOULD MAKE A MOCKERY OF THE FOLLIES. 176 00:06:01,093 --> 00:06:02,896 OH, WELL, I SANG LAST YEAR. 177 00:06:02,930 --> 00:06:04,665 PLEASE, I INSIST -- YOU SING. 178 00:06:04,697 --> 00:06:06,733 HE GAVE UP HIS SONG. THAT WAS HIS SONG LAST YEAR. 179 00:06:06,766 --> 00:06:08,067 FATE WILL SMILE UPON HIM. 180 00:06:08,100 --> 00:06:09,369 YOU WOULD DO THAT FOR ME? 181 00:06:09,403 --> 00:06:11,370 THIS IS LITERALLY THE NICEST GESTURE 182 00:06:11,404 --> 00:06:14,206 I HAVE EVER WITNESSED -- AND I'M FROM CANADA. 183 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:16,108 I DON'T LIKE THIS. 184 00:06:16,143 --> 00:06:18,411 THIS IS JUST LIKE WHEN ROSALBA AND MARISOL 185 00:06:18,446 --> 00:06:21,048 FOUND OUT THAT THEY WERE MARRIED TO THE SAME MAN. 186 00:06:21,081 --> 00:06:22,915 MARISOL BACKED DOWN, 187 00:06:22,949 --> 00:06:25,351 BUT SHE WAS FOUND DEAD TWO DAYS LATER. 188 00:06:25,384 --> 00:06:26,954 OKAY, GLORIA, I THINK THERE'S A CHANCE 189 00:06:26,987 --> 00:06:28,788 YOU'RE TRYING TO TURN A VERY NORMAL SITUATION 190 00:06:28,822 --> 00:06:30,089 INTO ONE OF YOUR SOAP OPERAS. 191 00:06:30,122 --> 00:06:32,292 [ SIGHS ] OKAY, BUT IMAGINE -- 192 00:06:32,324 --> 00:06:35,127 A STANDING OVATION FOR YOU WILL CRUSH HIM! 193 00:06:35,161 --> 00:06:36,730 YOU KNOW WHAT? 194 00:06:36,764 --> 00:06:38,566 I'LL ONLY LOOK BETTER IF I TAKE THE HIGH ROAD -- 195 00:06:38,598 --> 00:06:42,636 YOU KNOW, HELP OUT BACKSTAGE, LET HIM HAVE HIS MOMENT. 196 00:06:42,670 --> 00:06:44,704 OH, MY GOODNESS! [ PEOPLE GASP ] 197 00:06:53,312 --> 00:06:54,882 THE MOVE YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEE WAS FIRST DEVELOPED 198 00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:56,483 BY MY GREAT-GREAT-GREAT- GRANDFATHER RAZVAN DUNPHY, 199 00:06:56,516 --> 00:06:59,987 BUT, REALLY, IT'S AS OLD AS MAN'S QUEST TO FLY. 200 00:07:00,019 --> 00:07:01,387 IT'S JUST A FLIP WITH A TWIST, RIGHT? 201 00:07:01,420 --> 00:07:03,389 [ CHUCKLES ] THERE'S A LOT MORE GOING ON, 202 00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,158 BUT YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO ABSORB IT 203 00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:07,795 THE FIRST TIME YOU SEE IT. 204 00:07:07,827 --> 00:07:09,997 EINS...ZWEI...DREI -- 205 00:07:10,029 --> 00:07:11,464 NO GOOD. OKAY. 206 00:07:11,499 --> 00:07:13,500 OH. YOU WERE RIGHT. I TOTALLY MISSED IT. 207 00:07:13,533 --> 00:07:15,668 I'M GLAD THAT HAPPENED. I'M ACTUALLY GLAD THAT HAPPENED. 208 00:07:15,702 --> 00:07:18,338 IT'S A GOOD REMINDER -- THE DUNPHY TUCK DEMANDS RESPECT. 209 00:07:18,370 --> 00:07:21,307 THIS...TIME...FOR... 210 00:07:21,341 --> 00:07:23,143 REAL! 211 00:07:23,175 --> 00:07:24,411 OHH. 212 00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,747 JIM McKAY, THAT HURTS! 213 00:07:26,779 --> 00:07:29,483 I'M GONNA... JUST ADJUST THESE SPRINGS. 214 00:07:29,516 --> 00:07:31,951 THEY FEEL FINE TO ME. I'M SURE THEY DO. 215 00:07:31,985 --> 00:07:34,254 YOU DON'T HAVE THE FOOT SENSITIVITY OF A TRAMP CHAMP. 216 00:07:34,286 --> 00:07:36,990 IF I EVER HAD TO READ BRAILLE, I'D -- 217 00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:39,026 OH, MY GOD! I THINK I DID IT! 218 00:07:39,058 --> 00:07:41,528 DID I DO IT? ALMOST. YEAH. 219 00:07:41,562 --> 00:07:43,497 YOUR -- YOUR FORM WAS A LITTLE OFF. 220 00:07:43,531 --> 00:07:45,865 REALLY? IT FELT PERFECT. I'LL TRY ONE MORE TIME. 221 00:07:45,899 --> 00:07:47,600 I'M NOT SURE THAT'S SUCH A GOOD IDEA. 222 00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:50,437 YOU MIGHT CEMENT IN SOME BAD...HABITS. 223 00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:51,805 I DID IT AGAIN! 224 00:07:51,838 --> 00:07:53,340 [ Laughing ] I'M GONNA GET YOU SOME WATER. 225 00:07:53,372 --> 00:07:55,942 YOU SEEM LIGHTHEADED AND DELUSIONAL. 226 00:07:55,975 --> 00:07:57,845 AGAIN! 227 00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:01,615 OH, HONEY. YOU LOOK EXHAUSTED. 228 00:08:01,649 --> 00:08:03,716 WELL, I AM NOT. I AM AS STRONG AS EVER. 229 00:08:03,750 --> 00:08:05,952 CERTAINLY THE STRONGEST PERSON IN THE HOUSE. 230 00:08:05,985 --> 00:08:08,788 [ GASPS ] IS LUKE DOING THE DUNPHY TUCK? 231 00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:10,490 SORT OF A POOR MAN'S VERSION OF IT. 232 00:08:10,524 --> 00:08:12,660 WOW. HE ADDED A WHOLE NEW TWIST. 233 00:08:12,692 --> 00:08:14,562 IT'S CALLED OVER-ROTATION. LOOK INTO IT. 234 00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:16,629 I WAS SO CAUGHT UP IN MY SPRING CLEANING, 235 00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:21,233 IT TOOK ME A WHILE TO SEE THAT PHIL WAS FEELING INADEQUATE. 236 00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:23,235 I KNEW WHAT I NEEDED TO DO. 237 00:08:23,269 --> 00:08:25,004 WHEN YOU GUYS ARE DONE OUT THERE, 238 00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:27,173 DO YOU THINK YOU COULD GIVE LUKE MY LIST? 239 00:08:27,206 --> 00:08:29,742 I HAVE SOME CHORES ON HERE THAT REQUIRE SOME MUSCLE. 240 00:08:29,776 --> 00:08:31,812 MAYBE I SHOULD TAKE CARE OF THAT. NAH. 241 00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:33,647 NO, NO, I-I-I CAN HANDLE IT. 242 00:08:33,681 --> 00:08:36,316 LUKE'S PRETTY BUSY OUT THERE NOT POINTING HIS TOES. 243 00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:37,684 SO HE'S ALL LIKE, "GET A LIFE," 244 00:08:37,717 --> 00:08:39,318 AND I'M LIKE, "NO, THANKS. GOT NINE." 245 00:08:39,351 --> 00:08:42,022 [ LAUGHTER ] I MEAN, 'CAUSE... 246 00:08:42,054 --> 00:08:44,524 SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT I JUST TOOK A BREAK FROM PAINTING. 247 00:08:44,557 --> 00:08:46,326 WANTED TO COME OVER, BRING YOU SOME TEA 248 00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:48,761 AND TELL YOU TO BREAK A PAW. [ LAUGHS ] 249 00:08:48,796 --> 00:08:50,363 HE ALMOST BROKE HIS HEAD. 250 00:08:50,397 --> 00:08:52,032 YES, I KNOW, AND I FEEL HORRIBLE ABOUT THAT. 251 00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:53,432 I-I HOPE YOU KNOW 252 00:08:53,466 --> 00:08:55,936 I WOULD NEVER INTENTIONALLY DO ANYTHING TO HARM -- 253 00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:58,370 OH! MY THROAT! IT BURNS! 254 00:08:58,404 --> 00:08:59,940 HE MADE THE TEA TOO HOT! NOT ON PURPOSE! 255 00:08:59,972 --> 00:09:01,408 OH! OH! [ SCREAMS ] 256 00:09:02,710 --> 00:09:04,177 HE TRIPPED ON ONE OF COACH TUCKER'S PAINT CANS. 257 00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:05,778 I DON'T REMEMBER LEAVING THAT THERE! 258 00:09:05,812 --> 00:09:09,349 OH, LOOK AT ME. I CAN'T COMMAND A STAGE. 259 00:09:09,381 --> 00:09:11,384 YOU -- YOU HAVE TO TAKE MY PLACE. 260 00:09:11,418 --> 00:09:13,519 WE'LL WHEEL YOU OUT ONTO STAGE. 261 00:09:13,552 --> 00:09:14,855 OH, COME ON -- WE BOTH KNOW 262 00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,423 THIS SONG REQUIRES CATLIKE MOVEMENTS. 263 00:09:16,456 --> 00:09:18,625 SOMEONE GET THIS MAN INTO FUR AND MAKEUP! 264 00:09:20,092 --> 00:09:23,029 [ "DUELING BANJOS" PLAYING ] WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! 265 00:09:23,062 --> 00:09:25,197 LAST ITEM ON THE LIST -- MOVE THE TABLE. NO. YOU SHOULD NOT BE DOING THAT ALONE. 266 00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:26,966 REALLY? 'CAUSE I GOT THE FRIDGE OUT TO THE CURB. HOW? 267 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:28,701 DRUG IT. STAND BACK. I'M TURTLING HER. 268 00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:30,136 NO, YOU'RE GONNA GET HURT, SWEETIE. 269 00:09:30,169 --> 00:09:32,139 LET ME GET LUKE. LUKE! NO, NO, NO! 270 00:09:32,172 --> 00:09:34,774 I DON'T NEED HIS HELP! LET HIM PLAY HIS PRECIOUS BANJO! 271 00:09:36,777 --> 00:09:39,046 IT WAS LIKE THE BANJO WAS MOCKING ME. 272 00:09:39,078 --> 00:09:41,815 [ To tune of "Dueling Banjos" ] * YOU ARE NOT THE MAN YOU USED TO BE * 273 00:09:41,849 --> 00:09:43,549 * YOU GET UP FOUR TIMES AT NIGHT TO PEE * 274 00:09:43,582 --> 00:09:44,884 * BA-DA-DUM BA BAT DA DOOT DOOT DOO * 275 00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:46,986 * YOU'RE SUPER-DUPER OLD NOW 276 00:09:47,019 --> 00:09:49,389 HEY! TAKE FIVE. 277 00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:51,991 I DON'T KNOW THAT ONE. GIVE ME A COUPLE MINUTES. I'LL FIGURE IT OUT. 278 00:09:52,024 --> 00:09:54,061 IT'S A LITTLE HARD TO GET THINGS DONE WITH ALL THE NOISE. 279 00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:55,327 WHAT'S THAT? 280 00:09:55,361 --> 00:09:57,297 UH...NOTHING. 281 00:09:57,330 --> 00:09:59,066 IS THAT... 282 00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:00,466 A BRA? 283 00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:02,235 YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE GIRLS UP HERE. 284 00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:04,837 I CAN EXPLAIN. YOU DON'T HAVE TO! 285 00:10:04,871 --> 00:10:07,073 YOU THINK YOU'RE AN ADULT, BUT YOU'RE NOT. 286 00:10:07,106 --> 00:10:08,975 YOU'RE A KID LIVING UNDER MY ROOF, 287 00:10:09,009 --> 00:10:10,243 AND YOU HAVE TO OBEY MY RULES! 288 00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:11,510 [ BANJO STRING SNAPS ] 289 00:10:11,543 --> 00:10:13,179 OW! THE "G" STRING SNAPPED! 290 00:10:13,212 --> 00:10:15,682 PROBABLY NOT THE FIRST TIME THAT'S HAPPENED IN HERE. 291 00:10:15,716 --> 00:10:18,118 NO! IT HIT MY EYE! IS IT BLEEDING? 292 00:10:18,150 --> 00:10:19,952 FIRST OF ALL, EYES CAN'T BLEED, SO -- 293 00:10:19,986 --> 00:10:22,422 SAMMY DAVIS JR., THAT'S BAD! 294 00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:24,091 [ ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ] ALEX! 295 00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:25,292 OH. HI. 296 00:10:25,325 --> 00:10:26,592 I'M LOOKING FOR MY SISTER. 297 00:10:26,625 --> 00:10:27,827 SHE HAS BROWN HAIR, 298 00:10:27,860 --> 00:10:29,495 DRESSED LIKE A NERD, BUT NOT IRONICALLY. 299 00:10:29,528 --> 00:10:30,798 [ CELLPHONE RINGS ] 300 00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:32,932 HANG ON! 301 00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:34,768 HELLO? 302 00:10:34,802 --> 00:10:37,370 HALEY, ARE YOU WITH ALEX? SHE'S NOT ANSWERING HER PHONE. 303 00:10:37,403 --> 00:10:39,038 UH, YEAH, YEAH. 304 00:10:39,072 --> 00:10:41,508 WE'RE JUST A TINY BIT SEPARATED RIGHT NOW, 305 00:10:41,540 --> 00:10:44,043 BUT, UH, SHE'S BEEN ACTING A LITTLE STRANGE. 306 00:10:44,076 --> 00:10:46,046 OH, NO. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 307 00:10:46,078 --> 00:10:48,380 UM, I -- WELL, I-I'D SAY SHE'S BEEN, UM... 308 00:10:48,414 --> 00:10:50,017 A BIT DISTANT. 309 00:10:50,049 --> 00:10:51,451 OH, NO. 310 00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:53,220 MOM, DON'T FREAK OUT. 311 00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:56,322 NO, I WAS WORRIED ABOUT THIS WHEN YOU TWO LEFT THIS MORNING. 312 00:10:56,355 --> 00:10:59,192 OH, OKAY, SO SHE WAS BEING A LITTLE UPTIGHT. 313 00:10:59,225 --> 00:11:01,861 COME ON! OPEN UP, YOU STUPID THING! 314 00:11:01,894 --> 00:11:04,496 OKAY, FINE! SHE WAS A TOTAL BUZZKILL, OKAY! 315 00:11:04,530 --> 00:11:07,167 I JUST WANTED TO RELAX HER. DAMN IT. 316 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,802 I KNOW, I KNOW -- IT WAS A MISTAKE. 317 00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:12,072 BUT IT'S NOT LIKE I POURED IT DOWN HER THROAT! 318 00:11:12,105 --> 00:11:13,405 SHE DIDN'T GET INTO HARVARD. 319 00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:15,008 OH, THANK GOD! 320 00:11:15,042 --> 00:11:17,177 THAT'S WHY SHE'S BEEN ACTING SO WEIRD. 321 00:11:17,210 --> 00:11:18,812 WAIT. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DIDN'T POUR IT DOWN HER THROAT? 322 00:11:18,846 --> 00:11:20,047 DID YOU GET HER DRUNK? 323 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:22,750 HEY, YOU HACKED HER COMPUTER! 324 00:11:22,783 --> 00:11:24,216 IS THAT HER? 325 00:11:25,618 --> 00:11:27,519 UH, I JUST FOUND HER. 326 00:11:27,553 --> 00:11:29,522 I'LL HAVE HER CALL YOU. 327 00:11:30,890 --> 00:11:33,259 TAKE ME TO MY SISTER! 328 00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:34,693 OH. OH, HI. 329 00:11:34,727 --> 00:11:36,730 OH. WHOO! 330 00:11:36,764 --> 00:11:38,731 ALL RIGHT, LILY'S CAMP IS JUST THROUGH THOSE TREES. 331 00:11:38,765 --> 00:11:40,200 I'LL BE BACK SOON. TAKE YOUR TIME. 332 00:11:40,232 --> 00:11:42,668 I GOT A COUPLE OF ROBUSTOS TO KEEP ME COMPANY. 333 00:11:42,701 --> 00:11:44,837 UM, WHAT'S UP WITH THE OUTFIT? 334 00:11:44,871 --> 00:11:47,073 IT'S TO KEEP THE SMOKE OFF ME SO GLORIA WON'T SMELL IT. 335 00:11:47,106 --> 00:11:49,109 THAT'S INSANE. YEP, I'VE LOST MY MIND. 336 00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:51,244 HAVE FUN BREAKING YOUR DAUGHTER OUT OF SLEEPAWAY CAMP. 337 00:11:51,278 --> 00:11:52,846 OH, OF COURSE YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND. 338 00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:54,081 WHY? 339 00:11:54,114 --> 00:11:55,548 UM...YOU FORGOT? 340 00:11:55,581 --> 00:11:57,584 I FORGOT I SHOULDN'T ASK "WHY" TO THINGS. 341 00:11:57,616 --> 00:12:00,052 [ SCOFFS ] I WAS 9 YEARS OLD, AT CAMP. 342 00:12:00,086 --> 00:12:02,389 THERE WERE MOSQUITOS, COMPOST TOILETS, MEAN KIDS. 343 00:12:02,422 --> 00:12:04,124 IT WAS THEATER CAMP, WASN'T IT? 344 00:12:04,157 --> 00:12:05,859 NATURALLY, YOU REMEMBER THAT PART. 345 00:12:05,893 --> 00:12:07,259 T-THE POINT IS, I HATED IT. 346 00:12:07,293 --> 00:12:09,096 I WAS -- I WAS COLD, AND I WAS SCARED, 347 00:12:09,129 --> 00:12:13,200 ESPECIALLY AFTER THIS KID TOLD THIS TERRIFYING GHOST STORY, 348 00:12:13,232 --> 00:12:16,436 SO I SNUCK AWAY TO A PAY PHONE, I CALLED YOU, CRYING, 349 00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:19,371 AND [CHUCKLES] IN A PERFORMANCE EVEN MORE PREDICTABLE 350 00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:21,474 THAN TODD JANSEN'S ARTFUL DODGER, 351 00:12:21,508 --> 00:12:23,576 YOU REFUSED TO PICK ME UP. 352 00:12:23,610 --> 00:12:24,812 FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. 353 00:12:24,845 --> 00:12:26,645 LEARNING TO FEND FOR YOURSELF 354 00:12:26,678 --> 00:12:28,748 IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF BECOMING A MAN. 355 00:12:28,782 --> 00:12:30,918 BEFORE YOU CLAIM THAT ALL MY PROFESSIONAL SUCCESS 356 00:12:30,951 --> 00:12:33,385 STEMS FROM YOUR VERY, VERY BRAVE DECISION 357 00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:36,155 TO STAY AT HOME ON THE COUCH WATCHING "THE BIONIC WOMAN," 358 00:12:36,188 --> 00:12:37,624 I AM GOING TO GO GET LILY 359 00:12:37,657 --> 00:12:40,592 SO THAT SHE KNOWS SHE CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON ME. 360 00:12:42,695 --> 00:12:44,130 IT'S FINE. 361 00:12:44,163 --> 00:12:46,665 IF THAT'S YOUR IDEA OF A DRAMATIC EXIT, 362 00:12:46,698 --> 00:12:49,302 IT'S NO WONDER TODD JANSEN GOT THAT PART. 363 00:12:55,375 --> 00:12:56,643 SO, THE DOCTOR WILL SEE YOU IN A FEW MINUTES. 364 00:12:56,676 --> 00:12:58,077 NICE SOMEONE CAN SEE. 365 00:12:58,110 --> 00:12:59,346 GLAD TO KNOW YOUR GOOD EYE CAN STILL ROLL. 366 00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:01,849 [ CHUCKLES ] SO, STILL ANGRY, HUH? 367 00:13:01,881 --> 00:13:03,817 GEE, WHY WOULD I BE ANGRY? 368 00:13:03,850 --> 00:13:06,019 BECAUSE YOU INSULTED ME, MAIMED ME, AND BELITTLED 369 00:13:06,052 --> 00:13:07,988 MY ACHIEVEMENTS IN THE BANJONIC AND TRAMPOLINIC ARTS? 370 00:13:08,020 --> 00:13:09,322 I KNOW. I'M SORRY. 371 00:13:09,355 --> 00:13:11,024 I'M NOT PROUD OF MY BEHAVIOR TODAY. 372 00:13:11,057 --> 00:13:12,458 [ INHALES DEEPLY ] 373 00:13:12,491 --> 00:13:14,461 IT PROBABLY STARTED WITH THE 5K I RAN YESTERDAY. 374 00:13:14,494 --> 00:13:15,794 10K. 375 00:13:15,828 --> 00:13:17,529 FOR EVERYONE ELSE. 376 00:13:17,563 --> 00:13:21,168 IT WAS THE FIRST TIME IN 15 YEARS I COULDN'T FINISH. 377 00:13:21,201 --> 00:13:23,202 THEN, TODAY, IT'S EVERYTHING I CAN DO, YOU CAN DO BETTER. 378 00:13:23,235 --> 00:13:25,672 NO, I CAN'T. YES, YOU CAN. 379 00:13:25,705 --> 00:13:28,875 IT'S OKAY. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. 380 00:13:28,908 --> 00:13:30,977 EVERY DAD GOES THROUGH IT -- 381 00:13:31,010 --> 00:13:33,212 THE DAY HE STARTS SEEING HIS SON AS A MAN 382 00:13:33,245 --> 00:13:35,381 AND NOT A BOY. 383 00:13:35,414 --> 00:13:36,783 IT'S A SHOCK. 384 00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:38,851 LIKE WHEN WE FIRST GOT HIGH-DEF TV 385 00:13:38,885 --> 00:13:41,321 AND I REALIZED ED BRADLEY HAD AN EARRING. 386 00:13:41,354 --> 00:13:43,355 I'M NOT AS MUCH OF A MAN AS YOU THINK, DAD. 387 00:13:43,389 --> 00:13:44,624 OH, REALLY? 388 00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:46,058 HOW COME AN HOUR AGO, 389 00:13:46,092 --> 00:13:48,695 I HAD A 16-YEAR-OLD GIRL'S BRA IN MY HAND? 390 00:13:49,996 --> 00:13:51,630 CAN WE TALK SOMEWHERE MORE PRIVATE? 391 00:13:51,663 --> 00:13:52,899 MM-HMM. 392 00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:56,369 THE BRA BELONGS TO ME. 393 00:13:56,403 --> 00:13:59,972 OH...KAY. 394 00:14:00,006 --> 00:14:02,542 THAT'S NOT THE CONVERSATION I THOUGHT WE'D BE HAVING, 395 00:14:02,575 --> 00:14:04,878 BUT...IF THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED ON THE OUTSIDE 396 00:14:04,912 --> 00:14:07,147 TO FEEL LIKE THE LUKE YOU ARE ON THE INSIDE -- 397 00:14:07,179 --> 00:14:08,347 NO! 398 00:14:08,380 --> 00:14:10,216 IT'S TO PRACTICE ON. 399 00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:12,552 I STINK AT UNHOOKING THEM. 400 00:14:12,585 --> 00:14:15,754 LAST WEEK, I TRIED TO TAKE ONE OFF A GIRL AT A PARTY. 401 00:14:15,788 --> 00:14:19,192 I FUMBLED FOR SO LONG, SHE STARTED TO LAUGH. 402 00:14:19,225 --> 00:14:20,393 IT STILL HAUNTS ME. 403 00:14:20,427 --> 00:14:23,763 [ GIGGLING ] 404 00:14:23,796 --> 00:14:27,433 THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T GO AWAY THIS WEEK. 405 00:14:27,466 --> 00:14:28,936 MY TRIP WASN'T CANCELED. 406 00:14:28,969 --> 00:14:30,437 EVERYONE FOUND OUT AND -- 407 00:14:30,470 --> 00:14:32,538 I GET IT -- YOU COULDN'T FACE THEM. 408 00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:34,206 LISTEN, I KNOW THIS PART OF YOUR LIFE 409 00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:35,841 MAY NOT BE MOVING FAST ENOUGH FOR YOU, 410 00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,576 BUT ENJOY IT WHILE IT LASTS. 411 00:14:37,610 --> 00:14:39,778 SOMEDAY, YOUR LIFE'S GONNA BE MOVING FASTER THAN YOU WANT, 412 00:14:39,812 --> 00:14:41,447 AND YOU COULD WIND UP DOING SOMETHING DUMB, 413 00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:42,749 LIKE BLINDING YOUR SON. 414 00:14:42,782 --> 00:14:44,451 I'M BLIND?! PROBABLY NOT. 415 00:14:44,484 --> 00:14:47,220 Nurse: LUKE DUNPHY? 416 00:14:47,254 --> 00:14:49,288 [ SIGHS ] 417 00:14:49,322 --> 00:14:51,890 I KNOW I'M GETTING A LITTLE OLD FOR THIS PLACE, BUT... 418 00:14:51,924 --> 00:14:53,559 I DO LIKE COMING HERE. 419 00:14:54,826 --> 00:14:56,296 OH, LUKEY! 420 00:14:56,328 --> 00:14:57,697 YOU HURT YOUR EYE. 421 00:14:57,730 --> 00:14:59,099 DO YOU NEED A HUG? 422 00:14:59,131 --> 00:15:00,466 A BIG ONE. 423 00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:01,934 COME HERE. 424 00:15:04,071 --> 00:15:05,471 ALEX! ALEX, STOP! 425 00:15:05,504 --> 00:15:07,539 I HAVE BEEN CHASING YOU FOR, LIKE, AN HOUR! 426 00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:09,076 WHERE ARE YOU GOING?! UH -- 427 00:15:09,109 --> 00:15:10,309 THIS GUY WEASEL SAID HE KNOWS 428 00:15:10,342 --> 00:15:11,610 OF SOME HOT SPRINGS IN THE HILLS. 429 00:15:11,644 --> 00:15:13,379 WE WERE JUST GONNA GO TRY AND FIND THEM. 430 00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:15,648 OH, OKAY. SO, WE'LL SEE YOU IN, LIKE, WHAT, 10 YEARS, 431 00:15:15,682 --> 00:15:17,951 WHEN YOU SPOON-TUNNEL YOUR WAY OUT OF WEASEL'S BASEMENT? 432 00:15:17,985 --> 00:15:19,251 [ SCOFFS ] 433 00:15:19,286 --> 00:15:20,620 I KNOW ABOUT HARVARD. 434 00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:24,657 HOW? 435 00:15:24,691 --> 00:15:25,924 MOM SAW ON YOUR COMPUTER. 436 00:15:25,958 --> 00:15:27,726 AND OF COURSE SHE TOLD YOU, 437 00:15:27,759 --> 00:15:30,096 BECAUSE PRIVACY DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING. 438 00:15:30,129 --> 00:15:31,999 WHY DO THINGS THE RIGHT WAY? 439 00:15:32,032 --> 00:15:33,665 ALEX, I R-- NO! WHAT'S THE POINT? 440 00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:35,802 GET STRAIGHT A's FOR 10 YEARS, 441 00:15:35,835 --> 00:15:38,304 SPEND YOUR SUMMERS BUILDING HOUSES, 442 00:15:38,337 --> 00:15:40,840 DRAG YOUR CELLO TO SCHOOL EVERY DAY, 443 00:15:40,873 --> 00:15:43,610 WRITE THE PERFECT ESSAY, AND FOR WHAT?! 444 00:15:43,643 --> 00:15:46,312 "NO, THANK YOU, ALEX!" 445 00:15:46,346 --> 00:15:48,447 "WE DON'T WANT YOU, ALEX!" 446 00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:51,118 OKAY, YOU ARE DRAWING MORE ATTENTION TO YOURSELF 447 00:15:51,150 --> 00:15:53,253 THAN THE GUY WEARING A FERRET AS A SCARF. 448 00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:54,821 I DON'T CARE ANYMORE! 449 00:15:54,854 --> 00:15:57,657 I'VE SPENT MY ENTIRE LIFE TRYING TO BE PERFECT, 450 00:15:57,690 --> 00:15:59,125 AND WHERE DID IT GET ME? 451 00:15:59,158 --> 00:16:02,761 I AM IN A FIELD WITH 6,000 IDIOTS! 452 00:16:02,794 --> 00:16:04,530 [ CROWD CHEERS ] 453 00:16:04,563 --> 00:16:07,033 KNOW WHAT? I THINK THAT THIS IS A GOOD THING FOR YOU. 454 00:16:07,067 --> 00:16:09,336 CAN YOU JUST SPARE ME TODAY? NO. 455 00:16:09,369 --> 00:16:10,836 YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY GOING TO GET INTO 456 00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:12,139 ONE OF THOSE SNOOTY SCHOOLS, 457 00:16:12,172 --> 00:16:15,042 AND SOMETIMES YOU'RE GONNA COME IN SECOND... 458 00:16:15,075 --> 00:16:18,644 OR FOURTH, OR MAYBE EVEN TENTH. 459 00:16:18,677 --> 00:16:20,712 BUT YOU'RE GONNA DUST YOURSELF OFF, 460 00:16:20,746 --> 00:16:23,482 MAYBE PUT ON SOME LIPSTICK FOR ONCE, AND KEEP GOING. 461 00:16:23,515 --> 00:16:26,686 I'M ALLOWED TO FEEL BAD ABOUT THIS, OKAY? 462 00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:29,188 LOOK, YOU ARE A SUPERSTAR! 463 00:16:29,221 --> 00:16:30,657 I'VE BEEN SAYING SINCE YOU WERE 10 464 00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:32,692 YOU'RE GONNA BE ON THE SUPREME COURT. 465 00:16:32,725 --> 00:16:34,161 THANKS. 466 00:16:34,193 --> 00:16:36,462 BUT FOR THE RECORD, I'M GONNA BE A SCIENTIST. 467 00:16:36,495 --> 00:16:38,865 LAB COAT, ROBE -- 468 00:16:38,898 --> 00:16:40,700 AS LONG AS SOMETHING'S COVERING UP YOUR OUTFIT, 469 00:16:40,732 --> 00:16:42,668 YOU'RE GONNA BE JUST FINE. 470 00:16:42,701 --> 00:16:46,004 [ PIANO PLAYS INTRODUCTION ] 471 00:16:46,038 --> 00:16:48,875 I...DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. 472 00:16:48,908 --> 00:16:51,177 I HAD KILLED WITH THAT SONG AT THREE AMATEUR PRODUCTIONS, 473 00:16:51,211 --> 00:16:54,346 TWO GAY WEDDINGS, AND A TWO-HOUR GATE HOLD ON A 747, 474 00:16:54,380 --> 00:16:56,649 BUT I COULD TELL THE AUDIENCE THOUGHT 475 00:16:56,682 --> 00:16:59,885 THAT I HAD SABOTAGED KAPLAN TO GRAB THE SPOTLIGHT, 476 00:16:59,918 --> 00:17:02,922 AND MY CONFIDENCE CAUGHT IN MY THROAT LIKE A THREE-DAY FURBALL. 477 00:17:02,955 --> 00:17:04,557 [ Voice breaking ] I COULDN'T HAVE STUNK UP THE PLACE WORSE 478 00:17:04,590 --> 00:17:06,625 IF I'D PERFORMED IN A LITTER BOX. 479 00:17:07,759 --> 00:17:09,395 [ SCATTERED LIGHT APPLAUSE ] 480 00:17:09,429 --> 00:17:11,631 THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 481 00:17:12,932 --> 00:17:15,367 BRAVO, CAMERON. 482 00:17:15,402 --> 00:17:17,470 [ Crying ] CAN'T TALK! I'LL BE IN MY STALL! 483 00:17:19,605 --> 00:17:23,175 SO, NOW EVERYBODY HATES CAMERON. 484 00:17:23,210 --> 00:17:24,943 OKAY, LOOK, I CAN'T SING "MEMORY." 485 00:17:24,977 --> 00:17:26,378 IT'S TOO MUCH SONG FOR ME. 486 00:17:26,413 --> 00:17:28,214 SO WHEN I FOUND OUT THAT COACH TUCKER 487 00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:30,383 WANTED TO SING IT, AS WELL, I HAD MY OUT -- 488 00:17:30,416 --> 00:17:32,419 UNTIL HE NOBLY STEPPED ASIDE. 489 00:17:32,451 --> 00:17:34,854 LUCKILY, THE SANDBAG FELL, EVERYONE BLAMED HIM, 490 00:17:34,886 --> 00:17:36,355 AND I JUST SAW MY OPENING. 491 00:17:36,388 --> 00:17:38,125 I PUT THE PAINT CANS ON THE FLOOR 492 00:17:38,157 --> 00:17:40,960 AND PRETENDED THAT THE TEA SCALDED ME. 493 00:17:40,992 --> 00:17:43,430 BUT TO SEE HIM CRASH AND BURN ON STAGE, THAT... 494 00:17:43,462 --> 00:17:45,964 [CHORTLES] IT DOESN'T GET BETTER THAN THAT. 495 00:17:45,998 --> 00:17:47,634 OH, IT'S ABOUT TO, 496 00:17:47,666 --> 00:17:49,602 BECAUSE I TURNED YOUR MICROPHONE ON, 497 00:17:49,635 --> 00:17:51,137 AND EVERYBODY THERE IS LISTENING 498 00:17:51,171 --> 00:17:52,638 TO EVERYTHING THAT YOU JUST SAID! 499 00:17:52,672 --> 00:17:54,740 NO. NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. 500 00:17:54,773 --> 00:17:56,108 YOU MONSTER! NOW, HOLD ON. 501 00:17:56,143 --> 00:17:57,809 AAH! OOH-HOO-HOO! OOH! 502 00:17:57,844 --> 00:17:59,979 AMAZING! AND WITH NO COMMERCIALS! 503 00:18:00,011 --> 00:18:02,080 OOH! OOH! 504 00:18:02,115 --> 00:18:03,750 Mitchell: THE WORST THING ABOUT THE WOODS 505 00:18:03,782 --> 00:18:05,652 IS YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA RUN INTO -- 506 00:18:05,684 --> 00:18:08,954 A BEAR, A HUNTER WHO DOESN'T TAKE KINDLY TO CITY FOLK, 507 00:18:08,988 --> 00:18:10,423 OR WORSE... 508 00:18:10,457 --> 00:18:12,659 I CAN'T WAIT. I LOVE S'MORES. 509 00:18:12,692 --> 00:18:14,926 ...YOUR DAUGHTER, AS HAPPY AS YOU'VE EVER SEEN HER. 510 00:18:14,961 --> 00:18:17,230 THE ONLY THING TO DO WAS TO SNEAK BACK TO THE CAR 511 00:18:17,263 --> 00:18:19,499 AND THINK OF A LIE TO TELL MY DAD ALONG THE WAY. 512 00:18:19,531 --> 00:18:21,233 [ BRANCH SNAPS ] Girl: WHAT WAS THAT?! 513 00:18:21,268 --> 00:18:23,435 I DON'T KNOW, BUT LET'S HIT IT WITH A SHOVEL. 514 00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:25,337 AND STAB IT WITH OUR MARSHMALLOW STICKS! 515 00:18:25,372 --> 00:18:26,638 YEAH! YEAH!YEAH! YEAH! 516 00:18:26,673 --> 00:18:28,340 NO! NO, NO, NO, NO! I-I'M LILY'S DAD. 517 00:18:28,375 --> 00:18:29,808 I'M LILY-- HI. SHE'S MINE. 518 00:18:29,842 --> 00:18:31,678 UM... WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 519 00:18:31,711 --> 00:18:34,646 OKAY, I-I THOUGHT YOU GAVE ME THE SIGNAL. NO! GO AWAY. 520 00:18:34,681 --> 00:18:37,016 YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME IN FRONT OF 8-YEAR-OLDS. SORRY. 521 00:18:37,048 --> 00:18:39,152 I JUST FINISHED TELLING THE GIRLS A GHOST STORY. 522 00:18:39,185 --> 00:18:41,653 IT WAS SO SCARY. DO YOU KNOW ANY? 523 00:18:41,688 --> 00:18:43,490 I DO KNOW ONE FROM MY OWN CAMP DAYS, 524 00:18:43,522 --> 00:18:45,491 BUT IT'S PROBABLY TOO SCARY FOR YOU, S-- 525 00:18:45,525 --> 00:18:47,093 TELL US NOW! OKAY, OKAY. 526 00:18:47,125 --> 00:18:50,663 IT'S REALLY SCARY. DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU. 527 00:18:50,697 --> 00:18:52,598 THIS BETTER BE GOOD. 528 00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:54,032 UM...WELL... 529 00:18:54,066 --> 00:18:57,470 I-IT TAKES PLACE AT A CAMP A LOT LIKE THIS ONE, 530 00:18:57,503 --> 00:19:00,772 WHERE JUST BEYOND THE WOODS, THERE WAS A BLACK LAKE. 531 00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:03,710 AND JUST BEYOND THE LAKE, THERE WAS A PRISON. 532 00:19:03,742 --> 00:19:05,111 THIS ISN'T SCARY. 533 00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:07,279 OKAY, IT WAS A HAUNTED PR-- 534 00:19:07,314 --> 00:19:09,648 IT WAS A HAUNTED PRISON. 535 00:19:09,682 --> 00:19:12,785 NOW, ON THIS ONE NIGHT, THE NIGHT OF THE FULL MOON, 536 00:19:12,818 --> 00:19:15,221 WHAT THEY CALL "THE BLOOD MOON"... 537 00:19:15,255 --> 00:19:17,789 [ Spookily ] OOOOOH! 538 00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:20,192 OKAY, WHAT WAS AT THIS PRISON WAS A -- WAS A GHOST -- 539 00:19:20,227 --> 00:19:24,063 THE GHOST OF AN OLD MAN WITH GLOWING RED EYES, 540 00:19:24,096 --> 00:19:26,065 WHO BREATHED FIRE! 541 00:19:26,097 --> 00:19:28,234 I'M BORED. CAN WE GO TO SLEEP EARLY? 542 00:19:28,268 --> 00:19:30,869 I THINK YOU'RE FORGETTING ABOUT THE BLOOD MOON. 543 00:19:30,903 --> 00:19:33,005 WHAT'S THAT?! [ GASPS ] 544 00:19:33,038 --> 00:19:35,474 Lily: GLOWING EYES! Girl: IT'S THE GHOST! 545 00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:37,410 IT'S THE GHOST! NO! OH! 546 00:19:37,443 --> 00:19:39,546 [ CHILDREN SCREAMING ] GIRLS! 547 00:19:39,578 --> 00:19:41,713 THANKS FOR THAT. BEDTIME SHOULD BE A TREAT. 548 00:19:43,782 --> 00:19:46,184 WELL, I GUESS YOU FINALLY RESCUED ME AT CAMP. 549 00:19:46,219 --> 00:19:48,186 BETTER LATE THAN NEVER. 550 00:19:48,221 --> 00:19:50,690 [ SIGHS ] BY THE WAY, I SHOULD'VE COME BY 551 00:19:50,722 --> 00:19:52,224 AND PICKED YOU UP FROM CAMP. 552 00:19:52,259 --> 00:19:53,826 THAT, UH, "TOUGH IT OUT" STUFF -- 553 00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:55,394 THAT WAS MY DAD TALKING. 554 00:19:55,427 --> 00:19:57,896 HE THREW ME IN A LAKE ONCE I WAS AFRAID OF. 555 00:19:57,930 --> 00:20:00,098 DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT THAT STORY? YEAH, YEAH, WE'VE ALL HEARD THAT STORY. 556 00:20:00,132 --> 00:20:02,067 [ SIGHS ] NOW, DON'T FEEL TOO BAD. 557 00:20:02,101 --> 00:20:04,202 I WAS COMPLETELY WRONG ABOUT LILY. 558 00:20:04,237 --> 00:20:06,772 I ALMOST RESCUED HER FROM HAVING THE TIME OF HER LIFE. 559 00:20:06,806 --> 00:20:08,508 OH, THAT'S THE WAY OF THINGS. 560 00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:10,209 THINGS WORK OUT, AND SOMEDAY, YOU'LL BE ABLE 561 00:20:10,242 --> 00:20:11,678 TO SEE HER BE COMPLETELY WRONG ABOUT HER KIDS. 562 00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:12,912 IT'S FUN. 563 00:20:12,944 --> 00:20:14,180 OH. OKAY. 564 00:20:14,212 --> 00:20:15,414 CIGAR? 565 00:20:15,448 --> 00:20:17,048 NO. NO, THANK YOU. 566 00:20:17,083 --> 00:20:19,685 YOU KNOW, I -- I ONCE STOLE ONE OF THOSE WHEN I WAS A KID. 567 00:20:19,719 --> 00:20:20,920 MADE ME COMPLETELY DIZZY. 568 00:20:20,952 --> 00:20:22,555 I DON'T REMEMBER THE REST OF THE NIGHT. 569 00:20:22,588 --> 00:20:25,357 AREN'T YOU GOING TO THAT FACULTY FOLLIES AFTER THIS? 570 00:20:25,392 --> 00:20:26,858 YEAH. GIVE ME ONE OF THOSE. 571 00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:34,032 HUH. I THOUGHT THERE WAS A STEP THERE. 572 00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:35,301 OH, YEAH, YOU'LL GET YOUR DEPTH PERCEPTION BACK 573 00:20:35,335 --> 00:20:37,103 ONCE YOU GET THE BANDAGES OFF. 574 00:20:37,135 --> 00:20:39,105 CAREFUL IN THE MIDDLE, THERE. I STILL HAVEN'T A CHANCE TO -- 575 00:20:39,137 --> 00:20:40,307 I KNOW. 576 00:20:40,339 --> 00:20:42,409 OH! I THOUGHT YOU WERE ALEX. 577 00:20:42,442 --> 00:20:43,942 SHE DIDN'T GET IN. 578 00:20:43,976 --> 00:20:46,144 OH, NO! STUPID HARVARD. 579 00:20:46,177 --> 00:20:48,580 "STUPID HARVARD"? SHE DIDN'T GET INTO PRINCETON, EITHER? 580 00:20:48,615 --> 00:20:49,915 NO, JUST HARVARD. 581 00:20:49,949 --> 00:20:51,617 I THOUGHT THAT THIS MIGHT SOFTEN THE BLOW. 582 00:20:51,651 --> 00:20:53,319 AND I MADE HER HER FAVORITE DINNER. 583 00:20:53,353 --> 00:20:55,587 YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD MOM. [ DOOR OPENS ] 584 00:20:55,622 --> 00:20:57,890 THERE SHE IS! HI. I HEARD. 585 00:20:57,923 --> 00:20:59,326 I'M SO SORRY. 586 00:20:59,358 --> 00:21:01,728 OH. UH, THANKS, MOM, 587 00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:04,096 BUT HALEY ALREADY MADE ME FEEL A LITTLE BETTER ABOUT IT. 588 00:21:04,130 --> 00:21:06,333 I JUST DON'T REALLY FEEL LIKE TALKING RIGHT NOW. 589 00:21:06,365 --> 00:21:08,968 I KIND OF JUST WANT TO CHANGE MY PASSWORD AND GET INTO BED. 590 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:10,936 OKAY. 591 00:21:10,970 --> 00:21:13,105 SHE JUST NEEDS A LITTLE BIT OF TIME TO WORK THROUGH IT. 592 00:21:13,138 --> 00:21:15,508 HI. ALONE? 593 00:21:15,541 --> 00:21:17,943 THE KIDS ARE GROWING UP. [ SIGHS ] 594 00:21:17,977 --> 00:21:19,811 GUESS THEY DON'T NEED US AS MUCH ANYMORE. 595 00:21:19,846 --> 00:21:21,347 OH, WELL, THAT WAS THE PLAN. 596 00:21:21,381 --> 00:21:23,148 I JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD FEEL BETTER THAN THIS. 597 00:21:23,182 --> 00:21:24,416 ME TOO. 598 00:21:24,451 --> 00:21:26,986 AT LEAST WE STILL NEED EACH OTHER. 599 00:21:27,019 --> 00:21:29,355 HOW DID I GET SO LUCKY? OKAY. 600 00:21:29,388 --> 00:21:30,923 STILL GOT IT! OH.