1 00:00:03,571 --> 00:00:05,538 OKAY, LILY. I GOT THE LIST OF WHAT YOU NEED FOR YOUR PROJECT. 2 00:00:05,573 --> 00:00:06,907 UH, GLITTER GLUE... OKAY. 3 00:00:06,940 --> 00:00:08,242 ...GLITTER DOTS... MM-HMM. 4 00:00:08,275 --> 00:00:10,544 ...GLITTER...PAPER. 5 00:00:10,577 --> 00:00:14,048 MRS. DANIELS SAYS MY PROJECTS HAVE TOO MUCH GLITTER. 6 00:00:14,082 --> 00:00:16,050 OKAY, WELL, SHE NEEDS A MR. DANIELS, 7 00:00:16,083 --> 00:00:18,051 BECAUSE A PROJECT CAN'T HAVE TOO MUCH PIZZAZZ. 8 00:00:18,085 --> 00:00:20,053 IT'S A REPORT ON THE POTATO FAMINE. 9 00:00:20,088 --> 00:00:22,356 I'M -- I'M SORRY. DO IRISH TEARS NOT SPARKLE? 10 00:00:22,390 --> 00:00:24,757 OKAY. OKAY. SORRY. 11 00:00:24,792 --> 00:00:26,727 LONGINUS, JOTHAM. OH, HEY. 12 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:28,562 HI. OH, HI, GUYS. WHAT'S UP? 13 00:00:28,596 --> 00:00:30,864 OH, NOTHING, JUST PICKING UP SUPPLIES TO MAKE SIGNS 14 00:00:30,897 --> 00:00:32,399 FOR THE BIG PROTEST. YES. 15 00:00:32,432 --> 00:00:33,834 OH, RIGHT. RIGHT, YES. MM-HMM. 16 00:00:33,866 --> 00:00:36,103 UH, UH, W-- AND WHICH BIG PROTEST IS -- 17 00:00:36,137 --> 00:00:37,371 WE'RE PICKETING THE JAI ALAI LOUNGE 18 00:00:37,405 --> 00:00:38,871 FOR OBVIOUS REASONS. OBVIOUSLY. 19 00:00:38,905 --> 00:00:40,540 OBVIOUSLY. OBVIOUSLY, YES. 20 00:00:40,573 --> 00:00:42,243 WHAT REASONS, DADDY? 21 00:00:42,276 --> 00:00:44,445 UM, WELL, JOTHAM, Y-YOU TELL HER. 22 00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:45,878 IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY, I CAN'T EVEN SAY IT OUT LOUD. 23 00:00:45,912 --> 00:00:46,947 SO UPSET. 24 00:00:48,415 --> 00:00:50,551 ALL WE KNOW IS THE JAI ALAI LOUNGE 25 00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:51,951 HAS THE SINGLE BEST BURGER IN THE COUNTRY... Oh, my God. 26 00:00:51,984 --> 00:00:53,686 ...IF NOT THE UNIVERSE. 27 00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:54,954 THE JAI ALAI BURGER IS 1/4-POUND... 1/3. 28 00:00:54,987 --> 00:00:56,557 ...PRIME ANGUS, 29 00:00:56,590 --> 00:00:58,359 UH, FRESH, CRISPY LETTUCE... BUTTER LETTUCE. 30 00:00:58,392 --> 00:00:59,960 ...A SAUCE DELIVERED FROM HEAVEN... 31 00:00:59,993 --> 00:01:01,561 FROM KANSAS CITY. 32 00:01:01,594 --> 00:01:03,764 ...ALL ON A PERFECTLY TOASTED, FRESH-BAKED BUN. 33 00:01:03,796 --> 00:01:05,099 WITH SESAME SEEDS. 34 00:01:05,132 --> 00:01:06,599 I WANTED TO HAVE IT AS OUR WEDDING CAKE. 35 00:01:06,634 --> 00:01:09,069 MAYBE FOR YOUR NEXT ONE. HMM? 36 00:01:09,102 --> 00:01:10,870 SO, WHO'S THIS "WE" THAT'S PICKETING? 37 00:01:10,903 --> 00:01:12,739 EVERY WEEK, A GROUP OF US GET TOGETHER 38 00:01:12,772 --> 00:01:15,742 TO PROTEST THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN HOLDING BACK THE GAY CAUSE. 39 00:01:15,775 --> 00:01:17,245 WHY HAVEN'T WE EVER BEEN INVITED? 40 00:01:17,277 --> 00:01:19,313 [ CLEARS THROAT ] IT'S JUST THAT YOU'RE NOT THAT... 41 00:01:19,347 --> 00:01:20,581 POLITICAL. MM. 42 00:01:20,614 --> 00:01:22,515 UH, UM, YOU KNOW, EVER SINCE... 43 00:01:24,016 --> 00:01:25,652 HE KNOWS I CAN SEE, RIGHT? 44 00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:27,555 WE ARE VERY, VERY POLITICAL PEOPLE. 45 00:01:27,587 --> 00:01:29,323 YES, WE WERE JUST DISCUSSING... MM-HMM. 46 00:01:29,356 --> 00:01:31,759 ...THE POTATO FAMINE OF IRELAND. YES. 47 00:01:31,792 --> 00:01:33,260 I HAVEN'T HAD A POTATO IN FOUR YEARS. 48 00:01:33,293 --> 00:01:34,561 WELL, IF YOU'RE HONESTLY INTERESTED, 49 00:01:34,594 --> 00:01:35,763 WE'LL BE OUT THERE ON SATURDAY AT NOON. 50 00:01:35,795 --> 00:01:36,896 YOU SHOULD COME JOIN US. 51 00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:38,498 WE WILL. YEP. WITH BELLS. 52 00:01:38,531 --> 00:01:40,067 YEAH. THAT'S JUST -- THAT'S AN EXPRESSION. OH, GOSH. 53 00:01:40,099 --> 00:01:41,835 [ CHUCKLES ] THESE ARE FOR LILY'S PROJECT 54 00:01:41,868 --> 00:01:43,236 ON THE POTATO FAMINE, ACTUALLY. [ BELLS THUD, JINGLE ] 55 00:01:43,271 --> 00:01:44,337 OH, OKAY. BYE. [ CHUCKLES ] WELL, ALL RIGHT. 56 00:01:44,371 --> 00:01:45,972 Cameron: SEE YA, GUYS. Mitchell: BYE. 57 00:01:46,006 --> 00:01:47,575 SEE YA SATURDAY, GUYS. YEAH, GOOD TO SEE YOU. 58 00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:48,841 OH, MY GOD. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? 59 00:01:48,876 --> 00:01:50,177 YEAH, HE'S A LITTLE HIPPY 60 00:01:50,210 --> 00:01:52,012 FOR SOMEBODY THAT DOESN'T EAT POTATOES. 61 00:01:52,045 --> 00:01:54,781 -- Captions by VITAC -- 62 00:01:54,814 --> 00:01:57,784 *** 63 00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:07,495 [ SQUEALING ] 64 00:02:07,528 --> 00:02:09,796 WE WERE CALLED INTO PRINCIPAL BROWN'S OFFICE 65 00:02:09,830 --> 00:02:11,699 ONE WEEK BEFORE ALEX'S GRADUATION. 66 00:02:11,731 --> 00:02:13,501 THAT CAN MEAN ONLY ONE OF TWO THINGS. 67 00:02:13,533 --> 00:02:15,203 EITHER SHE'S GONNA BE VALEDICTORIAN 68 00:02:15,235 --> 00:02:18,538 OR THEY'RE GIVING AN AWARD FOR SEXIEST DAD. 69 00:02:18,572 --> 00:02:20,540 WE'RE VERY PROUD OF ALEX. 70 00:02:20,574 --> 00:02:22,342 [ SQUEALING ] HONEY. 71 00:02:22,376 --> 00:02:24,711 [ SQUEALING STOPS ] I'M SORRY. 72 00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:26,347 I JUST FEEL LIKE MY WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN BUILDING UP TO THIS POINT. 73 00:02:26,379 --> 00:02:27,448 I KNOW. OH. 74 00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:28,981 HELLO, DUNPHYS. HEY. HI. 75 00:02:29,015 --> 00:02:30,651 SO NICE TO BE ABLE TO GIVE YOU 76 00:02:30,683 --> 00:02:32,453 SOME GOOD NEWS IN ONE OF THESE MEETINGS. 77 00:02:32,485 --> 00:02:33,653 HOW IS HALEY, BY THE WAY? 78 00:02:33,687 --> 00:02:36,324 SO SORRY WE'RE LATE. WE -- 79 00:02:36,356 --> 00:02:37,858 WHAT'S SHE DOING HERE? WHAT'S HE DOING HERE? 80 00:02:37,890 --> 00:02:39,727 WELL, ALEX AND SANJAY, 81 00:02:39,759 --> 00:02:42,462 AFTER FOUR YEARS OF SPIRITED COMPETITION, 82 00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:43,997 I AM VERY PLEASED TO TELL YOU 83 00:02:44,031 --> 00:02:47,501 THAT YOU ARE THE PALI HIGH CLASS OF 2015 -- 84 00:02:47,534 --> 00:02:50,503 OOH -- CO-VALEDICTORIANS! 85 00:02:50,538 --> 00:02:52,139 THAT'S AMAZING! YES! OH! 86 00:02:52,171 --> 00:02:54,841 COULDN'T BE MORE PROUD OF THE BOTH OF YOU, HUH? 87 00:02:54,875 --> 00:02:56,543 WHAT DO YOU MEAN -- CO-VALEDICTORIANS? 88 00:02:56,576 --> 00:02:58,512 "CO" IS THE LATIN PREFIX FOR "TOGETHER." 89 00:02:58,545 --> 00:03:01,048 BUT REALLY, WHAT DO YOU MEAN -- CO-VALEDICTORIANS? 90 00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:03,883 WELL, I THOUGHT THERE MIGHT BE SOME AGGRESSIVE QUESTIONS 91 00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:06,887 THAT, UH, MADE ME NERVOUS, AND SO I WROTE DOWN MY REMARKS. 92 00:03:06,919 --> 00:03:08,489 UH... [ CLEARS THROAT ] 93 00:03:08,521 --> 00:03:11,091 NO, I'M NOT TRYING TO RUIN YOUR LIVES. 94 00:03:11,123 --> 00:03:13,826 IT'S JUST THAT YOUR GPAs ARE TIED 95 00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:15,829 TO THE THOUSANDTH OF A DECIMAL POINT. 96 00:03:15,862 --> 00:03:18,498 BUT MY GPA's 4.645923. MY GPA's 4.645923. 97 00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:20,000 SHE GOT AN "A-" ON THE FRENCH FINAL. 98 00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:21,602 HE GOT AN "A-" ON AN ENGLISH PAPER. 99 00:03:21,634 --> 00:03:23,871 OH. NO. 100 00:03:23,903 --> 00:03:26,173 THIS IS A NIGHTMARE. WORST DAY OF MY LIFE. 101 00:03:26,205 --> 00:03:27,608 GUYS, WE SHOULD BE CELEBRATING. 102 00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:29,509 THIS IS LITERALLY A WIN/WIN. 103 00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:30,743 I DIDN'T WORK MY WHOLE LIFE FOR A TIE. 104 00:03:30,777 --> 00:03:32,712 [ SCOFFS ] 105 00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:34,548 NO OFFENSE, PRINCIPAL BROWN, BUT YOU WERE A TEACHING MAJOR. 106 00:03:34,581 --> 00:03:36,449 I'D LIKE TO CHECK THE GPAs MYSELF. 107 00:03:36,484 --> 00:03:37,585 HAVE AT IT. 108 00:03:37,617 --> 00:03:39,887 WHAT IS IT WITH THESE TWO? 109 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:43,022 I AGREE WITH THEM. TIES ARE UN-AMERICAN. 110 00:03:43,055 --> 00:03:45,293 WOULD YOU BE HAPPY IF THE SUPER BOWL ENDED IN A TIE? 111 00:03:45,325 --> 00:03:47,961 YES! THERE'D BE TWICE AS MANY PARADES! 112 00:03:47,995 --> 00:03:50,463 THERE MUST BE SOME WAY TO DETERMINE 113 00:03:50,497 --> 00:03:52,533 WHO THE BEST STUDENT IS. 114 00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:53,966 WELL, UNFORTUNATELY, 115 00:03:54,001 --> 00:03:55,536 ALL THE FINAL EXAMS AND THE PAPERS ARE IN. 116 00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:56,804 GRADES ARE CLOSED. 117 00:03:56,836 --> 00:04:00,106 [ SIGHS ] NOT ALL THE GRADES. 118 00:04:00,139 --> 00:04:03,711 WELL, WELL, WELL... 119 00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:06,747 LOOKS LIKE THE JANITOR FINALLY FIXED MY CHAIR. 120 00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:08,348 WHAT ARE YOU GUYS ALL DOING HERE? 121 00:04:11,784 --> 00:04:14,455 WHAT ARE THE LAST TWO STATES TO BE ADMITTED INTO THE UNION? 122 00:04:14,487 --> 00:04:15,756 ALASKA AND HAWAII. 123 00:04:15,788 --> 00:04:17,658 NAME TWO CABINET-LEVEL POSITIONS. 124 00:04:17,690 --> 00:04:19,225 THAT'S EASY. 125 00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:20,627 THERE'S A HIGHER ONE FOR THE GLASSES 126 00:04:20,661 --> 00:04:22,596 AND A LOWER ONE FOR THE POTS AND THE PANS. 127 00:04:22,629 --> 00:04:23,896 HEY, DON'T GET COCKY. [ CHUCKLES ] 128 00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:25,332 WHEN WE STARTED STUDYING FOR THIS, 129 00:04:25,365 --> 00:04:27,266 YOU THOUGHT THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE JOB 130 00:04:27,300 --> 00:04:29,970 WAS TO GUARD "DA FENCE." [ CHUCKLES ] 131 00:04:30,002 --> 00:04:32,773 GLORIA'S ABOUT TO TAKE HER CITIZENSHIP TEST. 132 00:04:32,805 --> 00:04:35,608 THIS LITTLE JUMPING BEAN'S ABOUT TO BECOME AN AMERICAN. 133 00:04:35,643 --> 00:04:37,745 JUMPING BEANS ARE MEXICAN. 134 00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:40,581 ONCE YOU'RE AN AMERICAN, YOU WON'T SEE THE DIFFERENCE. 135 00:04:40,613 --> 00:04:42,449 I GOT YOU A LITTLE GIFT TO CELEBRATE. 136 00:04:42,483 --> 00:04:43,750 AWW. 137 00:04:43,783 --> 00:04:45,185 I KNOW IT'S NOT MUCH. 138 00:04:45,218 --> 00:04:47,620 IT'S PRACTICALLY NOTHING. 139 00:04:47,654 --> 00:04:49,523 IT'S AMERICA. IT'S FUN. 140 00:04:49,557 --> 00:04:52,793 AWW, THANK YOU, JAY. I'M SO EXCITED. 141 00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:55,696 DO YOU KNOW THAT ONCE I PASS, I CAN SERVE ON A JURY? 142 00:04:55,728 --> 00:04:57,630 THEY STILL USE THE ELECTRIC CHAIR, RIGHT? 143 00:04:57,665 --> 00:04:59,165 [ DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ] WE'RE BACK. 144 00:04:59,199 --> 00:05:00,767 HOLA, JAVIER. 145 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:02,702 HOW WAS "TAKE YOUR SON TO NOT WORK" DAY? 146 00:05:02,735 --> 00:05:04,504 HOW WAS LIFE BEFORE RADIO? 147 00:05:04,538 --> 00:05:05,605 AH. [ CLICKS TONGUE ] 148 00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:07,807 MANNY TOLD ME ABOUT YOUR PLANS 149 00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:10,143 TO ABANDON YOUR COLOMBIAN ROOTS. 150 00:05:10,177 --> 00:05:12,846 REALLY? YOU'RE GONNA LECTURE ME ON ABANDONMENT? 151 00:05:12,879 --> 00:05:16,115 YOU LEFT TO BUY SOME DIAPERS, AND I SAW YOU FOUR YEARS LATER. 152 00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:19,387 IF ONLY YOU COULD LET THAT GO AS EASILY AS YOUR HOMELAND. 153 00:05:26,026 --> 00:05:27,394 ARE THEY FIGHTING OR FALLING BACK IN LOVE? 154 00:05:30,930 --> 00:05:33,033 [ STAMMERING ] 155 00:05:33,066 --> 00:05:34,867 ...C-COW! 156 00:05:34,901 --> 00:05:37,704 COW? COW?! 157 00:05:37,737 --> 00:05:39,372 THE WOMAN WHO IS ABANDONING HER COUNTRY 158 00:05:39,406 --> 00:05:42,042 CANNOT REMEMBER THE SPANISH WORD FOR COW. 159 00:05:42,074 --> 00:05:43,810 IT SLIPPED MY MIND. [ LAUGHS ] 160 00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:45,646 VACA. 161 00:05:45,678 --> 00:05:47,715 THERE'S A TACO TRUCK PARKED OUTSIDE MY OFFICE. 162 00:05:51,050 --> 00:05:54,053 WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU BOTH HAVE THE SAME GYM GRADE, 163 00:05:54,086 --> 00:05:55,889 BUT I DO SEE HERE THAT NEITHER OF YOU 164 00:05:55,923 --> 00:05:58,826 HAVE COMPLETED THIS SEMESTER'S MILE RUN. 165 00:05:58,858 --> 00:06:00,326 WE WERE AT A DEBATE TOURNAMENT. 166 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,028 WHICH WE WON, THANKS TO ME. OH, PLEASE. 167 00:06:02,062 --> 00:06:03,930 AFTER YOUR LONG-WINDED SUMMATION ON EUTHANASIA, 168 00:06:03,963 --> 00:06:05,733 PEOPLE WANTED TO KILL THEMSELVES. 169 00:06:05,766 --> 00:06:08,035 ENOUGH. WE WILL DO A MAKEUP RACE. 170 00:06:08,067 --> 00:06:10,002 AND WHOEVER WINS GETS TO BE VALEDICTORIAN. 171 00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:12,038 YOU'RE ON. THIS IS CRAZY. 172 00:06:12,072 --> 00:06:13,507 ARE WE ALL SO OBSESSED WITH BEING NUMBER ONE 173 00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:15,576 THAT WE CAN'T JUST CELEBRATE THIS MOMENT? 174 00:06:15,608 --> 00:06:18,045 YEAH, I MEAN, IT'S THE END OF THEIR SENIOR YEAR. 175 00:06:18,077 --> 00:06:19,913 THEY'RE BOTH INTO GREAT COLLEGES. 176 00:06:19,947 --> 00:06:22,048 THEY SHOULD BE OFF CELEBRATING, PLAYING HOOKEY, 177 00:06:22,081 --> 00:06:24,016 GOING UP TO THE LAKE HOUSE TO GO SKINNY-DIPPING 178 00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:25,752 WITH THEIR FRIEND'S OLDER BROTHER WHO'S HOME FROM COLLEGE. 179 00:06:25,786 --> 00:06:27,420 LET'S -- LET'S KEEP THIS GENERAL, CLAIRE. OKAY. YEAH. 180 00:06:27,454 --> 00:06:29,757 THE POINT IS THESE ARE TWO AMAZING KIDS. 181 00:06:29,790 --> 00:06:31,425 WE SHOULD BE CELEBRATING THEM BOTH. MM-HMM. 182 00:06:31,459 --> 00:06:33,761 MM, WE'RE NOT SURPRISED YOU WOULD THINK THAT. 183 00:06:33,793 --> 00:06:35,728 GREAT. WAIT. WHAT? 184 00:06:35,762 --> 00:06:37,297 EVERY PARENT WANTS TO BELIEVE 185 00:06:37,329 --> 00:06:39,432 THAT THEIR CHILD CAN COMPETE WITH SANJAY. 186 00:06:39,466 --> 00:06:40,701 BUT ALEX CAN COMPETE WITH SANJAY. 187 00:06:40,733 --> 00:06:42,134 THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE. 188 00:06:42,168 --> 00:06:45,305 SANJAY WAS FORMING FULL SENTENCES AT 13 MONTHS. 189 00:06:45,338 --> 00:06:48,040 ALEX HAD A POEM PUBLISHED IN HIGHLIGHTS MAGAZINE 190 00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:49,308 WHEN SHE WAS 5 YEARS OLD. 191 00:06:49,341 --> 00:06:50,778 IT WAS CALLED "MR. LAMB BUYS A HAM." 192 00:06:50,810 --> 00:06:52,211 BUT REALLY, IT WAS ABOUT THE HOLOCAUST. 193 00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:53,913 HMM. WHEN HE WAS 16, 194 00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:56,750 SANJAY WAS THE HIGHEST-RANKED CHESS PLAYER IN THE STATE. 195 00:06:56,783 --> 00:06:58,918 WHEN ALEX WAS 15, 196 00:06:58,951 --> 00:07:00,887 SHE DISCOVERED A MISTAKE IN OUR TAXES. 197 00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:03,290 WE OWED A LOT MORE MONEY THAN I REALIZED. HMM. 198 00:07:03,322 --> 00:07:05,057 YES, WE'RE VERY IMPRESSED WITH HOW MUCH ALEX 199 00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:08,095 HAS BEEN ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH, GIVEN HER BACKGROUND. 200 00:07:08,127 --> 00:07:10,764 YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE RIGHT. 201 00:07:10,798 --> 00:07:13,065 LET'S SETTLE THIS OUT ON THE TRACK. 202 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,434 ALL RIGHT, COACH TUCKER, 203 00:07:14,468 --> 00:07:15,968 I'M ASSUMING WE CAN COUNT ON YOU TO OFFICIATE. 204 00:07:16,002 --> 00:07:17,336 WELL, NOW, NORMALLY, 205 00:07:17,370 --> 00:07:19,271 I DON'T LIKE TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION. 206 00:07:19,305 --> 00:07:22,074 THAT'S FINE. I'LL GET SOMEONE ELSE. I SAID I WOULD DO IT. 207 00:07:22,108 --> 00:07:24,812 ALEX'S UNCLE CANNOT POSSIBLY BE CONSIDERED AN IMPARTIAL JUDGE. 208 00:07:24,845 --> 00:07:26,178 I'M THE GYM TEACHER. 209 00:07:26,213 --> 00:07:28,348 WHO ELSE HAS THE TRAINING TO OVERSEE THIS? 210 00:07:28,380 --> 00:07:29,917 ANYONE WITH A STOPWATCH? 211 00:07:29,949 --> 00:07:32,119 OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? NO NEED TO HUMILIATE ME. 212 00:07:32,151 --> 00:07:34,021 MAY THE BEST CHILD WIN. 213 00:07:34,053 --> 00:07:35,288 OH, SHE WILL. AH. 214 00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:36,824 [ CHUCKLES ] 215 00:07:36,856 --> 00:07:38,358 CONSIDER THIS MOMENT GAUNTLETED. 216 00:07:38,391 --> 00:07:40,427 [ GROANS ] IS THAT A WORD? 217 00:07:40,459 --> 00:07:41,928 HOLD YOUR HEAD UP LIKE IT IS. 218 00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:44,163 VOCABULARY'S MOSTLY A MATTER OF CONFIDENCE. 219 00:07:51,237 --> 00:07:53,005 I LOVE THAT WE'RE GETTING INVOLVED. YEAH, ME, TOO. 220 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:55,307 I THINK WE'RE REALLY GONNA SEND A STRONG MESSAGE TO WHOMEVER 221 00:07:55,341 --> 00:07:57,476 TO STOP DOING WHATEVER IT IS HE OR SHE IS DOING. 222 00:07:57,511 --> 00:08:00,581 OH, LIKE "SHAME" DOESN'T COVER 1,000 DIFFERENT THINGS? 223 00:08:02,750 --> 00:08:05,519 OKAY. WHERE IS EVERYBODY? 224 00:08:05,552 --> 00:08:06,954 [ SCOFFS ] SO LIKE THE GAYS TO NO-SHOW. 225 00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:08,988 YEAH, RIGHT? 226 00:08:09,021 --> 00:08:10,057 IS THERE A SALE AT BARNEY'S THAT NOBODY TOLD US ABOUT? 227 00:08:10,089 --> 00:08:11,458 [ BOTH LAUGH ] 228 00:08:11,490 --> 00:08:13,459 SERIOUSLY, IS THERE? I DON'T KNOW. 229 00:08:13,492 --> 00:08:16,629 LONGINUS AND JOTHAM DO THIS ALL THE TIME. 230 00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,064 THEY -- THEY GUILT US INTO DOING SOMETHING, 231 00:08:18,098 --> 00:08:19,667 AND THEN THEY BAIL. 232 00:08:19,699 --> 00:08:21,134 THEY DID IT AT PEPPER'S NEW YEAR'S STEVE PARTY. 233 00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:22,735 YEAH, EVERYBODY HAD TO DRESS AS A FAMOUS STEVE. 234 00:08:22,769 --> 00:08:24,403 STEVE AUSTIN. STEVE MARTIN. 235 00:08:24,437 --> 00:08:26,706 THEY BAILED, AND WE GOT STUCK IN A ROOM FULL OF SONDHEIMS. 236 00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:28,141 [ GROANS ] * HOW ARE YOU DOING? 237 00:08:28,175 --> 00:08:30,242 * MY NAME IS STEVE 238 00:08:30,276 --> 00:08:33,145 HI. EXCUSE ME. 239 00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:34,815 TABLE FOR TWO? NO, NO. 240 00:08:34,847 --> 00:08:36,984 GOD NO. [ CHUCKLES ] UM, HAVE THERE BEEN 241 00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:39,152 ANY PROTESTERS OUT FRONT THIS AFTERNOON? 242 00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:41,020 OH, THE GAY THING? NOT TODAY. 243 00:08:41,053 --> 00:08:43,322 OH, OF COURSE. WE RUSH AROUND ALL MORNING -- 244 00:08:43,355 --> 00:08:45,491 I HAVEN'T EATEN BREAKFAST -- AND -- AND FOR NOTHING. 245 00:08:45,524 --> 00:08:47,727 AND IT COULDN'T SMELL ANY BETTER IN HERE. 246 00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:49,562 WE DO HAVE A TABLE. NO, THANK YOU. 247 00:08:49,596 --> 00:08:52,264 NO, WE'RE NOT GONNA COMPROMISE OUR PRINCIPLES JUST FOR... 248 00:08:52,298 --> 00:08:54,000 [ SNIFFS ] 249 00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:55,534 WE'LL TAKE A BOOTH AWAY FROM THE WINDOW. 250 00:08:55,568 --> 00:08:56,836 IN BACK. SOMETHING IN BACK? 251 00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,370 THIS WAY. YEAH. OKAY. YEAH? 252 00:09:02,274 --> 00:09:04,711 OH, MY GOD. SHE'S STILL GOING. 253 00:09:04,745 --> 00:09:06,913 I KNOW, REMEMBER HOW WINDED SHE USED TO GET 254 00:09:06,947 --> 00:09:09,182 HAULING AROUND "ULYSSES" IN THE THIRD GRADE? 255 00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:12,184 SHE'S SURPRISINGLY GRACEFUL FOR BEING SO UNCOORDINATED. 256 00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:14,553 I KNOW. I WAS HOPING TO GET A FUNNY VIDEO OF HER FALLING. 257 00:09:14,587 --> 00:09:17,024 BUT I DON'T THINK IT'S GONNA HAPPEN. 258 00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:19,960 MY PLAYLIST ENDED TWO MINUTES AGO. I HEARD ALL THAT. 259 00:09:19,993 --> 00:09:22,028 HONEY, I KNOW WE WERE ALL JUST SAYING IT BEFORE, 260 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,864 BUT YOU COULD ACTUALLY WIN THIS THING. 261 00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:26,365 I WASN'T JUST SAYING IT. I WILL WIN. 262 00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:27,868 NOTHING IS GOING TO -- OHH! 263 00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:29,937 [ THUD ] OH. THERE IT IS. 264 00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:31,403 [ GROANS ] 265 00:09:31,437 --> 00:09:33,941 [ COLOMBIAN MUSIC PLAYS ] 266 00:09:33,974 --> 00:09:37,376 HEY. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? 267 00:09:37,409 --> 00:09:39,446 I'M MAKING SANCOCHO. 268 00:09:39,479 --> 00:09:42,048 YEAH. YOU GOT YOUR LITTLE COLOMBIAN MUSIC GOING, HUH? 269 00:09:42,081 --> 00:09:43,283 I KNOW. SO BEAUTIFUL. 270 00:09:43,316 --> 00:09:44,384 JAVIER GOT TO YOU, DIDN'T HE? 271 00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,286 [ Chuckling ] NO. 272 00:09:46,318 --> 00:09:48,221 MAYBE A LITTLE BIT. 273 00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:50,456 GLORIA, DON'T LISTEN TO HIM. GET RID OF THAT SQUIRREL STEW. 274 00:09:50,490 --> 00:09:52,259 [ MUSIC STOPS ] I GOT A FEW SPECIAL THINGS HERE 275 00:09:52,292 --> 00:09:53,994 TO HELP CELEBRATE YOU BECOMING AN AMERICAN. 276 00:09:54,027 --> 00:09:57,096 LOOK. KOBE STEAKS. 277 00:09:57,129 --> 00:09:59,799 BOTTLE OF SCOTCH. CIGARS. 278 00:09:59,832 --> 00:10:01,934 YOU KNOW THAT NONE OF THAT IS MADE IN AMERICA. 279 00:10:01,969 --> 00:10:04,071 BUYING THEM ALL WAS THE AMERICAN PART. 280 00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:05,605 JAY, I'M NOT IN THE MOOD. 281 00:10:05,639 --> 00:10:07,407 I AM HAVING SOME DOUBTS. OKAY. 282 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,109 YOU LISTENED TO JAVIER. NOW LISTEN TO ME. 283 00:10:09,142 --> 00:10:11,812 DO YOU KNOW WHY I WANT YOU TO BECOME AN AMERICAN CITIZEN? 284 00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,014 BECAUSE I FOUGHT FOR THIS COUNTRY. 285 00:10:15,048 --> 00:10:17,684 MY FATHER FOUGHT FOR THIS COUNTRY. 286 00:10:17,717 --> 00:10:21,688 BECAUSE THIS COUNTRY'S ALL ABOUT FREEDOM AND OPPORTUNITY, 287 00:10:21,721 --> 00:10:24,091 AND I WANT YOU TO SHARE IN THAT 100%. 288 00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:27,159 YOU'RE RIGHT. I WANT THAT, TOO. I'M SO SORRY. 289 00:10:27,193 --> 00:10:28,461 HEY, YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE SCARED. 290 00:10:28,495 --> 00:10:30,163 I KNOW WHAT WILL HELP YOU FEEL BETTER. 291 00:10:30,197 --> 00:10:32,032 WE'LL FIRE UP SOME STEAKS, WE'LL POUR A LITTLE WINE, 292 00:10:32,065 --> 00:10:33,432 YOU POP INTO THOSE SHORT SHORTS, 293 00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:34,701 I CHASE YOU AROUND THE LIVING ROOM -- 294 00:10:34,735 --> 00:10:37,004 THAT TYPE OF THING. [ CHUCKLES ] 295 00:10:37,037 --> 00:10:38,871 HEY, MOM. 296 00:10:38,905 --> 00:10:40,440 UM, I GOT INVITED 297 00:10:40,472 --> 00:10:42,174 TO MY FRIEND BILLY'S HOUSE FOR DINNER TONIGHT. 298 00:10:42,209 --> 00:10:44,277 DON'T WORRY. WE'RE NOT GONNA EAT THIS. WE'RE GONNA EAT STEAK. 299 00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:45,644 OH, GOOD. THERE'S NO BILLY. 300 00:10:45,678 --> 00:10:47,313 WHY THE SUDDEN CHANGE IN MENU? 301 00:10:47,346 --> 00:10:50,317 WELL, I WAS HAVING SOME DOUBTS, BUT JAY MADE ME FEEL BETTER. 302 00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:53,186 HE TOLD ME THE REASON WHY HE WANTS ME TO BE AN AMERICAN. 303 00:10:53,220 --> 00:10:54,855 OH, THOSE LONG LINES. 304 00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:56,823 WHAT LONG LINES? THE CUSTOMS LINE. 305 00:10:56,856 --> 00:10:59,125 OH, JAY HATES THEM WHEN WE COME BACK FROM CABO. 306 00:10:59,158 --> 00:11:01,193 WHAT? 307 00:11:01,227 --> 00:11:03,029 THAT SON OF A BITCH WANTS ME TO TURN MY BACK ON MY HOMELAND 308 00:11:03,062 --> 00:11:05,065 FOR AN AIRPORT LINE? 309 00:11:05,097 --> 00:11:07,200 YOU KNOW, I SHOULD AT LEAST MAKE AN APPEARANCE AT BILLY'S. 310 00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:11,104 [ DOORBELL RINGS ] 311 00:11:14,374 --> 00:11:16,176 [ BIRDS CHIRPING ] 312 00:11:16,208 --> 00:11:18,177 SANJAY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 313 00:11:18,211 --> 00:11:19,379 WHAT ARE THOSE? 314 00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:21,380 ANKLE WEIGHTS. 315 00:11:21,413 --> 00:11:23,149 OKAY. WRIST WEIGHTS. 316 00:11:23,182 --> 00:11:25,152 WHY ARE YOU HERE? 317 00:11:25,184 --> 00:11:27,086 LOOK, UH, TOMORROW, IT'S ALL GONNA BE OVER, 318 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:29,155 EVERYTHING WE'VE BEEN WORKING FOR SINCE WE STARTED SCHOOL. 319 00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:31,158 SO, I-I WANTED TO COME BY AND SAY THANKS. 320 00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:32,826 I'M NOT A DOCTOR YET, 321 00:11:32,860 --> 00:11:34,661 BUT IT SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE HAVING SOME SORT OF BRAIN EPISODE. 322 00:11:34,693 --> 00:11:37,330 NO, I'M SERIOUS. THANK YOU FOR PUSHING ME. 323 00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:39,432 YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT'S BEEN TO KEEP UP WITH YOU MY WHOLE LIFE? 324 00:11:39,466 --> 00:11:41,600 UH, I HAVE MY GPA BECAUSE OF YOU. 325 00:11:41,634 --> 00:11:43,336 I GOT INTO STANFORD BECAUSE OF YOU. 326 00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:45,172 [ CHUCKLES ] 327 00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:48,607 I'LL ADMIT I DID SPEND ABOUT A FEW HUNDRED EXTRA HOURS 328 00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:50,277 TRYING TO BE BETTER THAN YOU. 329 00:11:50,309 --> 00:11:51,945 I'M GONNA MISS THIS WHEN WE GO TO COLLEGE. 330 00:11:51,979 --> 00:11:54,280 YEAH, I GUESS I'LL MISS THIS, TOO. 331 00:11:54,313 --> 00:11:55,282 I LIKE YOU. 332 00:11:57,216 --> 00:11:58,184 OKAY. 333 00:11:58,217 --> 00:11:59,552 I MEAN LIKE-LIKE, 334 00:11:59,586 --> 00:12:01,053 LIKE HOW PIERRE CURIE LIKED MARIE CURIE. 335 00:12:01,087 --> 00:12:02,721 OH. 336 00:12:02,755 --> 00:12:04,224 I'M SORRY. I-I WENT TOO FAR. 337 00:12:04,256 --> 00:12:05,759 YOU SMELL PRETTY. I SHOULD GO. 338 00:12:05,793 --> 00:12:08,528 [ RAPID, HEAVY FOOTSTEPS DEPART ] 339 00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:12,065 WHERE'S ALEX? I MADE HER A SMOOTHIE. 340 00:12:12,099 --> 00:12:14,201 MIGHT HAVE MADE IT A LITTLE TOO HEALTHY. 341 00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:16,870 WHY ARE WE SO FOCUSED ON HELPING ALEX WIN 342 00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:19,807 WHEN WE COULD BE WORKING ON MAKING SANJAY LOSE? 343 00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:22,642 TALK TO ME. OKAY, IS THERE A MANHOLE ON THE TRACK, 344 00:12:22,674 --> 00:12:25,111 BECAUSE IT'S KIND OF IMPORTANT TO MY PLAN. 345 00:12:25,144 --> 00:12:28,548 OKAY, THAT WAS WEIRD. SANJAY WAS JUST HERE. 346 00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:30,616 HE SAID THAT THE BEST PART OF HIGH SCHOOL 347 00:12:30,649 --> 00:12:33,286 WAS OUR COMPETITION, AND... 348 00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:34,620 THAT HE LIKED ME. 349 00:12:34,653 --> 00:12:37,256 OH, HONEY. [ CLICKS TONGUE ] 350 00:12:37,289 --> 00:12:39,491 WHAT? 351 00:12:39,525 --> 00:12:42,428 DOESN'T THE TIMING SEEM A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS TO YOU? 352 00:12:42,461 --> 00:12:44,563 MAYBE, BUT HE SEEMED REALLY GENUINE. 353 00:12:44,596 --> 00:12:46,232 CLASSIC PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE. 354 00:12:46,265 --> 00:12:48,235 I'VE DEALT WITH IT IN ELITE COMPETITIONS. 355 00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:49,970 I DIDN'T REALIZE IT HAPPENED OUTSIDE OF CHEERLEADING. 356 00:12:50,003 --> 00:12:51,403 THINK ABOUT IT, SWEETIE. 357 00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:54,140 HAS HE EVER SAID ANYTHING NICE TO YOU BEFORE? 358 00:12:54,173 --> 00:12:56,342 NO. 359 00:12:56,375 --> 00:12:58,345 NOT EVEN WHEN I BREAK OUT MY FUN BLAZER. 360 00:12:58,378 --> 00:12:59,312 [ GASPS ] [ GROANS ] 361 00:12:59,346 --> 00:13:00,513 OH, MY GOD. 362 00:13:00,547 --> 00:13:02,149 WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? 363 00:13:02,182 --> 00:13:04,985 I CAN'T BELIEVE I LET HIM GET IN MY HEAD. 364 00:13:05,018 --> 00:13:06,686 OH, HE IS GOING DOWN. 365 00:13:06,719 --> 00:13:10,456 TOMORROW, SANJAY PATEL BEGINS A LIFETIME OF SECOND BEST. 366 00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:11,924 ENJOY YOUR HYDROX COOKIES 367 00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:14,094 AND YOUR SILVER MEDAL, MR. VICE PRESIDENT! 368 00:13:14,126 --> 00:13:16,028 YOU GO, GIRL. 369 00:13:16,062 --> 00:13:18,264 DO WE HAVE ANY COOKIES? 370 00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:20,167 GLORIA. 371 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:21,701 [ Bad Texas accent ] HOWDY, HUBBY. 372 00:13:21,734 --> 00:13:24,604 HOW ABOUT SOME GRUB BEFORE WE TURN ON THE NASCAR? 373 00:13:24,636 --> 00:13:26,874 I'M NOT GONNA LIE, I LIKE WHERE THIS IS GOING. 374 00:13:26,907 --> 00:13:29,676 BUT, UH...I'M NOT SURE I'M SUPPOSED TO. 375 00:13:29,708 --> 00:13:31,311 AIN'T THIS WHAT YOU WANTED? 376 00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:32,544 THE PERFECT AMERICAN WIFE 377 00:13:32,578 --> 00:13:34,547 TO MAKE YOUR LIFE MORE CONVENIENT? 378 00:13:34,581 --> 00:13:36,548 DO YOU THINK THAT'S AN AMERICAN ACCENT? 379 00:13:36,582 --> 00:13:38,184 [ Normal voice ] FROM TEXAS. 380 00:13:38,217 --> 00:13:40,787 MANNY TOLD ME THAT YOU WANT ME TO GIVE UP MY HERITAGE 381 00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:43,222 SO THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO WAIT IN LINE AT THE AIRPORT. 382 00:13:43,255 --> 00:13:44,691 OH, I GOT TO STOP TALKING TO THAT KID WHEN I'M DRINKING. 383 00:13:44,724 --> 00:13:46,158 WELL, I'M NOT GONNA DO IT. 384 00:13:46,192 --> 00:13:49,229 SO SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR LITTLE AMERICAN WIFE. 385 00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:53,700 MAN, THOSE SHORTS REALLY TAKE THE STING 386 00:13:53,732 --> 00:13:56,635 OUT OF GETTING YELLED AT. 387 00:13:56,668 --> 00:13:58,071 YEAH. 388 00:13:58,105 --> 00:14:00,240 OH, MY GOD, THAT BURGER WAS SO GOOD, 389 00:14:00,273 --> 00:14:01,908 I FEEL LIKE I JUST CHEATED ON YOU. 390 00:14:01,942 --> 00:14:04,244 YEAH, I HEARD THE MOANING. ARE WE TERRIBLE PEOPLE? 391 00:14:04,277 --> 00:14:06,346 I DON'T THINK WE ARE. LOOK, HEAR -- HEAR ME OUT. 392 00:14:06,379 --> 00:14:08,347 BY EATING THOSE BURGERS, WE DENIED THEM 393 00:14:08,380 --> 00:14:10,517 FROM THE SORT OF NARROW-MINDED HOMOPHOBES 394 00:14:10,549 --> 00:14:12,418 THAT WOULD COME TO A RESTAURANT LIKE THIS. 395 00:14:12,451 --> 00:14:14,754 OKAY, I DON'T TOTALLY FOLLOW, BUT I LIKE WHERE YOU ENDED UP. 396 00:14:14,787 --> 00:14:17,090 I-I'M JUST SAYING THAT WE DID THE RIGHT THING BY COMING HERE, 397 00:14:17,124 --> 00:14:18,424 AND I FEEL LIKE -- OH, GOD, GAYS. 398 00:14:18,457 --> 00:14:20,360 All: WE'RE HERE! WE'RE QUEER! 399 00:14:20,393 --> 00:14:23,863 WE DON'T SUPPORT CORPORATIONS THAT CONTRIBUTE TO SUPER PACS 400 00:14:23,897 --> 00:14:26,332 WHICH DON'T SUPPORT HEALTHCARE COVERAGE FOR SAME-SEX PARTNERS! 401 00:14:26,365 --> 00:14:28,335 OH, RIGHT. WE'RE HERE... 402 00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:30,336 RIGHT. RIGHT. THAT'S WHY WE'RE BOYCOTTING THIS PLACE. 403 00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:31,571 RIGHT. 404 00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:38,845 All: WE'RE HERE! WE'RE QUEER! 405 00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:39,778 HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO FALL IN WITHOUT THEM NOTICING? 406 00:14:39,812 --> 00:14:41,248 OKAY, IT'S JUST LIKE DOUBLE DUTCH. 407 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:42,682 JUST FIND THE RHYTHM AND JUMP IN. GO, GO. 408 00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:44,551 RIGHT NOW? YEAH. WE'RE HERE! WE'RE QUEER! 409 00:14:44,584 --> 00:14:46,418 WE DON'T SUPPORT CORPORATIONS THAT CONTRIBUTE TO SUPER PACS 410 00:14:46,452 --> 00:14:49,588 WHICH DON'T SUPPORT HEALTHCARE COVERAGE FOR SAME-SEX PARTNERS! 411 00:14:49,621 --> 00:14:51,624 WE'RE HERE! WE'RE QUEER! 412 00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:54,594 WE DON'T SUPPORT CORPORATIONS THAT CONTRIBUTE TO SUPER PACS 413 00:14:54,626 --> 00:14:56,129 WHICH DON'T SUPPORT... 414 00:14:56,163 --> 00:14:57,797 HEY, YOU CAME! 415 00:14:57,830 --> 00:14:59,966 WELL, WELL, WELL. WHAT A SURPRISE. 416 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,801 I DON'T KNOW WHY THIS IS A SURPRISE. 417 00:15:01,833 --> 00:15:03,102 WE'RE VERY POLITICAL PEOPLE. 418 00:15:03,135 --> 00:15:04,471 YES, THERE'S NOT A WEEK THAT GOES BY 419 00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:05,772 THAT WE'RE NOT DEEPLY ENTRENCHED 420 00:15:05,804 --> 00:15:07,440 IN THE ISSUES THAT FACE OUR COMMUNITY. 421 00:15:07,474 --> 00:15:09,442 OHH. DEEPLY. DEEPLY. 422 00:15:09,475 --> 00:15:10,809 AND THIS WHOLE, UM, SUPER PAC THING... SUPER PAC. 423 00:15:10,842 --> 00:15:12,912 OHH. ...IT'S -- IT IS INFURIATING. 424 00:15:12,946 --> 00:15:14,813 MR. PRITCHETT, YOU FORGOT YOUR CELLPHONE INSIDE. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. 425 00:15:14,846 --> 00:15:16,316 SEE, UH, BEFORE YOU GUYS GOT HERE, 426 00:15:16,349 --> 00:15:17,750 WE WENT IN THERE, 427 00:15:17,783 --> 00:15:19,586 AND WE DEMANDED A REFUND FOR OUR GIFT CARDS. 428 00:15:19,619 --> 00:15:21,620 YES, WE WENT INTO THE BELLY OF THE BEAST. SO...YES, WE DID. 429 00:15:21,653 --> 00:15:24,490 SIR, YOU FORGOT YOUR FOOD TO GO. THANK YOU. 430 00:15:24,524 --> 00:15:26,326 AND FED YOUR BELLIES. HOW COULD YOU? 431 00:15:26,359 --> 00:15:28,961 OKAY, BEFORE YOU GET ALL SUPERIOR, 432 00:15:28,995 --> 00:15:31,264 WE HADN'T EATEN SINCE BREAKFAST. 433 00:15:31,298 --> 00:15:32,432 IT'S A QUARTER TO 1:00. 434 00:15:32,465 --> 00:15:33,633 THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING. 435 00:15:33,665 --> 00:15:35,335 Mitchell: OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? YES. 436 00:15:35,368 --> 00:15:36,735 WE WENT IN THERE WITH THE BEST OF INTENTIONS, 437 00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:39,438 AND WE STUMBLED, BUT WHO AMONGST US HASN'T? 438 00:15:39,471 --> 00:15:41,408 AND, OKAY, ISN'T THAT WHAT WE'RE FIGHTING FOR -- YES. 439 00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:43,643 ...THE FREEDOM TO FALL SHORT OF PERFECTION 440 00:15:43,676 --> 00:15:45,278 AND STILL BE JUDGED BY THE SAME STANDARD AS EVERYONE ELSE? THAT. 441 00:15:45,312 --> 00:15:46,980 THANK YOU. NO. 442 00:15:47,014 --> 00:15:48,748 DIDN'T YOU HEAR OUR CHANT? IT WAS REALLY QUITE CLEAR. 443 00:15:48,780 --> 00:15:50,182 IT'S QUITE LONG. YOU KNOW, LOOK. 444 00:15:50,216 --> 00:15:51,918 WE WANT TO BE SOCIALLY RESPONSIBLE. WE DO. 445 00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,352 WE WANT TO DO THE RIGHT THING. [ SIGHS ] 446 00:15:53,385 --> 00:15:55,355 BUT IT'S HARD TO KEEP TRACK... So hard. 447 00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:57,090 ...OF ALL THE COMPANIES THAT WE LIKE 448 00:15:57,124 --> 00:15:58,857 AND THAT WE DON'T LIKE. DON'T LIKE. 449 00:15:58,890 --> 00:16:01,693 [ SIGHS ] WE'RE -- WE'RE JUST TRYING TO MAKE IT IN THIS WORLD, 450 00:16:01,727 --> 00:16:03,962 RAISE OUR DAUGHTER, GET HER TO HER SOCCER GAME. 451 00:16:03,996 --> 00:16:05,264 OOH. NOT YOUTH SOCCER FEDERATION. 452 00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:06,666 'CAUSE IF IT'S YOUTH SOCCER FEDERATION -- 453 00:16:06,698 --> 00:16:07,767 I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. OH, MY GOD! 454 00:16:07,799 --> 00:16:09,535 YOU KNOW WHAT? SH-SHAME! SHAME! 455 00:16:09,568 --> 00:16:11,538 SHAME! SHAME ON YOU. 456 00:16:11,571 --> 00:16:13,639 YOU ARE NO BETTER THAN THE PEOPLE IN THAT RESTAURANT. 457 00:16:13,673 --> 00:16:15,307 COME ON, CAM, LET'S GO. 458 00:16:15,341 --> 00:16:17,476 COME ON. THINK THEY BOUGHT IT? 459 00:16:17,509 --> 00:16:18,845 KEEP YOUR HEAD UP. DON'T LOOK BACK. 460 00:16:18,878 --> 00:16:21,081 BEING RIGHT IS MOSTLY CONFIDENCE. 461 00:16:24,551 --> 00:16:26,852 [ SIGHS ] 462 00:16:26,885 --> 00:16:29,855 OKAY, LOOK. I'M SORRY. 463 00:16:29,889 --> 00:16:31,258 WE GOOD? 464 00:16:33,393 --> 00:16:35,028 APPARENTLY NOT. 465 00:16:35,062 --> 00:16:37,697 LOOK, COMPLAINING ABOUT A LINE AT AN AIRPORT 466 00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:39,499 IS EASIER THAN ADMITTING THE TRUTH 467 00:16:39,532 --> 00:16:41,701 ABOUT WHY I WANT YOU TO BECOME A CITIZEN. 468 00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:44,736 I GUESS IT STILL BOTHERS ME 469 00:16:44,770 --> 00:16:46,338 THAT YOU HAVE ALL THESE TIES TO JAVIER. 470 00:16:46,373 --> 00:16:47,807 WHAT TIES? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 471 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,808 GLORIA DELGADO-PRITCHETT. 472 00:16:49,841 --> 00:16:53,413 YOU STILL HAVE HIS LAST NAME. YOU'RE BOTH COLOMBIANS. 473 00:16:53,446 --> 00:16:54,980 WHEN YOU AND I COME BACK TO THE COUNTRY, 474 00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:56,383 WE HAVE TO WAIT IN SEPARATE LINES 475 00:16:56,415 --> 00:16:57,517 LIKE WE'RE NOT EVEN IN THE SAME FAMILY. 476 00:16:57,549 --> 00:16:59,385 I DON'T KNOW. 477 00:16:59,418 --> 00:17:01,587 I GUESS I JUST THOUGHT THAT IF YOU COMMITTED TO AMERICA, 478 00:17:01,620 --> 00:17:04,790 IN SOME WEIRD WAY, YOU'D BE RECOMMITTING TO ME. 479 00:17:06,759 --> 00:17:08,361 THAT'S THE LONGEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN QUIET, 480 00:17:08,394 --> 00:17:10,363 AND IT'S TERRIFYING. 481 00:17:10,396 --> 00:17:11,830 I KNOW NOBODY ASKED FOR MY ADVICE -- 482 00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:13,566 YET YOU'RE TALKING. 483 00:17:13,599 --> 00:17:15,535 I AGREE WITH JAY. LET'S HEAR HIM OUT. 484 00:17:15,567 --> 00:17:16,769 DON'T DO THIS FOR HIM, MOM. 485 00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:18,738 YOU'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE. 486 00:17:18,770 --> 00:17:20,940 BUT YOU ALSO SHOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT WHAT DAD THINKS. 487 00:17:20,972 --> 00:17:22,674 I THINK YOU SHOULD BECOME A CITIZEN 488 00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:26,113 BECAUSE EVEN BACK WHEN WE WERE ALONE IN OUR APARTMENT, 489 00:17:26,145 --> 00:17:27,614 THIS IS WHAT YOU ALWAYS WANTED. 490 00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:31,884 REMEMBER SITTING BY THE WINDOW, 491 00:17:31,917 --> 00:17:34,953 WATCHING RERUNS OF "MIAMI VICE" ON THE NEIGHBOR'S TV, 492 00:17:34,987 --> 00:17:37,223 AND ALL THE BAD GUYS WERE CAUGHT 493 00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:39,791 AND ALL THE POLICEMEN HAD THOSE -- THOSE NICE CARS? 494 00:17:39,826 --> 00:17:41,394 WE USED TO WATCH THAT 495 00:17:41,427 --> 00:17:43,730 AND THINK WHAT AN AMAZING COUNTRY THIS WAS. 496 00:17:45,664 --> 00:17:47,700 DID A LITTLE RESEARCH. 497 00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:51,304 IF MOM ISN'T A CITIZEN WHEN JAY "MOVES ON TO A BETTER PLACE," 498 00:17:51,337 --> 00:17:54,141 WE COULD BE LOOKING AT A PRETTY HEFTY ESTATE TAX. 499 00:17:54,173 --> 00:17:56,308 I DON'T WANT TO SOUND INSENSITIVE, 500 00:17:56,343 --> 00:17:58,944 BUT I HAVE ACQUIRED A REAL TASTE FOR TRUFFLES. 501 00:17:58,978 --> 00:18:01,448 ALL RIGHT, KIDS, FOUR LAPS. 502 00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:02,981 FIRST ONE TO FINISH WINS. 503 00:18:03,015 --> 00:18:05,451 IT'S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE, UNFORTUNATELY FOR YOU, 504 00:18:05,484 --> 00:18:06,786 BECAUSE I THINK YOU'D FIND THAT EASIER. 505 00:18:06,818 --> 00:18:08,387 [ LAUGHS ] 506 00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:09,556 YOU NERVOUS? 507 00:18:09,588 --> 00:18:11,089 COME ON, ALEX! YOU CAN DO IT! 508 00:18:11,124 --> 00:18:13,125 I RAN SIX MILES THE MORNING YOU WERE BORN! 509 00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:14,993 YOU CAME OUT OF THE WOMB READY FOR THIS! 510 00:18:15,027 --> 00:18:18,330 SANJAY! YOUR 115 COUSINS ARE ROOTING FOR YOU! 511 00:18:18,365 --> 00:18:19,598 WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME? 512 00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:21,401 ALL RIGHT, ON YOUR MARK. 513 00:18:21,433 --> 00:18:23,502 LOOK. I DIDN'T MEAN TO WEIRD YOU OUT YESTERDAY. 514 00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:25,837 STOP IT. I'M NOT FALLING FOR THESE LITTLE MIND GAMES. 515 00:18:25,872 --> 00:18:27,440 GET SET. IT'S NOT A GAME. 516 00:18:27,473 --> 00:18:29,576 IT'S HOW I FEEL. I SAID ENOUGH, SANJAY. 517 00:18:29,608 --> 00:18:31,743 [ WHISTLE BLOWS ] Vish: RUN, SANJAY! 518 00:18:31,778 --> 00:18:33,413 Claire: WHAT'S HAPPENING? HE MUST KNOW SOMETHING WE DON'T. 519 00:18:33,445 --> 00:18:35,147 STOP RUNNING, ALEX! IT'S A TRAP! 520 00:18:37,016 --> 00:18:38,684 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 521 00:18:38,718 --> 00:18:40,586 I WAS TELLING THE TRUTH YESTERDAY. 522 00:18:40,619 --> 00:18:42,422 I DON'T CARE IF I LOSE VALEDICTORIAN 523 00:18:42,454 --> 00:18:43,990 IF IT'LL PROVE THAT I REALLY LIKE YOU. 524 00:18:44,022 --> 00:18:46,625 ARE -- ARE YOU SERIOUS? 525 00:18:46,659 --> 00:18:48,861 YES. 526 00:18:48,894 --> 00:18:50,462 PLEASE DON'T LAUGH AT ME. 527 00:18:50,497 --> 00:18:53,333 I'M -- I'M FEELING VERY EXPOSED WITH MY SKINNY LEGS. 528 00:18:53,365 --> 00:18:56,368 [ CHUCKLES ] I-I LIKE YOUR LEGS. 529 00:18:56,403 --> 00:18:58,704 YOU DO? 530 00:18:58,738 --> 00:19:00,772 WELL... I LOVE YOUR HAIR. 531 00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:02,541 AND YOUR SMILE. 532 00:19:02,575 --> 00:19:04,810 AND THE WAY YOU ROLL YOUR BEAUTIFUL BROWN EYES 533 00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:05,845 WHEN SOMEONE GETS AN ANSWER WRONG. 534 00:19:05,877 --> 00:19:08,181 [ CHUCKLES ] 535 00:19:08,214 --> 00:19:09,615 I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING ON. 536 00:19:09,648 --> 00:19:10,682 WHY ISN'T HE RUNNING? 537 00:19:10,717 --> 00:19:12,050 WE SPENT $1,200 538 00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:14,186 ON A SKYPE SESSION WITH USAIN BOLT. 539 00:19:14,221 --> 00:19:16,989 UH, I FEEL LIKE WE'RE ABOUT TO KISS. 540 00:19:17,022 --> 00:19:18,758 ARE WE ABOUT TO KISS, 'CAUSE I'VE NEVER REALLY -- 541 00:19:22,028 --> 00:19:23,363 OH, MY GOD. THEY'RE KISSING. 542 00:19:23,395 --> 00:19:24,864 SANJAY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! 543 00:19:24,896 --> 00:19:26,031 GET AWAY FROM HER! 544 00:19:26,065 --> 00:19:27,866 OH, IT'S SO CUTE. [ WHIMPERS ] 545 00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:29,035 HE SEEMS QUITE SKILLED AT IT. 546 00:19:29,067 --> 00:19:30,470 OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH. 547 00:19:30,502 --> 00:19:32,404 I-I THINK -- I THINK WE CAN DIAL IT BACK. 548 00:19:32,439 --> 00:19:35,474 SO, CO-VALEDICTORIANS IT IS. 549 00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:37,809 I MISSED A TILE DEMO AT HOME DEPOT FOR THIS, 550 00:19:37,844 --> 00:19:39,846 BUT GOOD FOR YOU. 551 00:19:39,878 --> 00:19:41,248 [ PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYS ] Announcer: THIS IS A LAND 552 00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:43,250 WHERE PEOPLE OF VASTLY DIFFERENT CULTURES 553 00:19:43,282 --> 00:19:46,085 ARE BROUGHT TOGETHER BY THEIR WILLINGNESS TO WORK HARD 554 00:19:46,117 --> 00:19:48,019 AND THEIR DESIRE TO SUCCEED. 555 00:19:48,054 --> 00:19:49,521 I'M A BETTER KISSER THAN YOU ARE. 556 00:19:49,556 --> 00:19:54,093 YOU'RE JOKING, RIGHT? I'M ACTUALLY DESTROYING YOU. 557 00:19:54,125 --> 00:19:56,061 THIS IS A LAND MADE GREAT 558 00:19:56,095 --> 00:19:59,164 BY PEOPLE STANDING UP FOR WHAT THEY BELIEVE. 559 00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:01,901 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? UM, YOU KNOW WHAT? 560 00:20:01,933 --> 00:20:05,070 I HAVE DECIDED THAT WE -- WE CANNOT EAT THESE CURLY FRIES. 561 00:20:05,104 --> 00:20:06,405 BA-BA-BA! SHAKE IT. 562 00:20:09,741 --> 00:20:11,443 THE CONTAINER, CAM. 563 00:20:13,211 --> 00:20:16,383 THIS IS A BEACON OF FREEDOM. 564 00:20:16,415 --> 00:20:19,117 WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 565 00:20:19,151 --> 00:20:20,586 THAT'S YOUR WIFE? 566 00:20:20,619 --> 00:20:22,288 PRETTY GREAT COUNTRY, HUH? 567 00:20:27,993 --> 00:20:28,961 OKAY. YOU READY TO BEGIN? 568 00:20:28,994 --> 00:20:30,630 YES. [ SNIFFS ] 569 00:20:30,663 --> 00:20:32,932 THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT HAS HOW MANY BRANCHES? 570 00:20:32,964 --> 00:20:34,866 THREE. CORRECT. 571 00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:36,903 WHAT COLOR ARE THE STARS ON THE AMERICAN FLAG? 572 00:20:36,935 --> 00:20:39,372 WHITE, BUT I FEEL LIKE IT'S MY DUTY TO TELL YOU 573 00:20:39,405 --> 00:20:41,641 THAT YOU HAVE A FLAG RIGHT BEHIND YOU, 574 00:20:41,673 --> 00:20:43,576 SO PROBABLY YOU NEED TO ASK ME ANOTHER QUESTION. 575 00:20:43,609 --> 00:20:45,711 NO NEED. CONGRATULATIONS, YOU PASSED. 576 00:20:45,744 --> 00:20:47,880 WHAT? THAT'S IT? TWO QUESTIONS? 577 00:20:47,913 --> 00:20:50,115 AND I HAVE A CHEAT FLAG? THAT'S ALL IT TAKES? 578 00:20:50,148 --> 00:20:52,318 YEP, YOU'LL GET AN OFFICIAL LETTER IN THE MAIL 579 00:20:52,352 --> 00:20:53,885 WITH THE DETAILS OF YOUR OATH CEREMONY. 580 00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:56,221 DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I'VE BEEN STUDYING FOR THIS? 581 00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:58,625 YOU'RE ROBBING ME OF THE FEELING OF ACHIEVEMENT. 582 00:20:58,657 --> 00:21:01,227 ASK ME ANOTHER QUESTION, AND A HARD ONE THIS TIME. 583 00:21:01,259 --> 00:21:03,496 BUT YOU ALREADY PASSED -- DO IT. 584 00:21:03,529 --> 00:21:05,332 OKAY. 585 00:21:05,365 --> 00:21:07,133 HOW MANY MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE THERE? 586 00:21:08,867 --> 00:21:12,571 YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S TOO LATE. YOU ALREADY SAID THAT I PASSED.