1 00:00:04,221 --> 00:00:05,831 Good morning, Madam President. 2 00:00:05,875 --> 00:00:08,269 May I introduce you to the ambassador of java? 3 00:00:08,311 --> 00:00:09,051 Oh, thank you. 4 00:00:09,096 --> 00:00:11,881 Because, after all, what is a travel mug 5 00:00:11,923 --> 00:00:13,926 but a closet for your coffee? 6 00:00:13,970 --> 00:00:16,493 And boom, our next promotional giveaway. 7 00:00:16,538 --> 00:00:17,756 -Wow. -Mm-hmm. 8 00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:19,757 Throw on a black turtleneck and some mom jeans, 9 00:00:19,801 --> 00:00:21,498 it's like I'm married to Steve Jobs. 10 00:00:21,542 --> 00:00:23,327 I did hear you banging out e-mails 11 00:00:23,370 --> 00:00:24,501 till all hours last night, 12 00:00:24,545 --> 00:00:26,765 so the cucumbers in the sandwich can be repurposed 13 00:00:26,809 --> 00:00:28,419 as lunchtime crow's-feet refreshers. 14 00:00:28,463 --> 00:00:29,420 Thank you. 15 00:00:29,463 --> 00:00:30,986 Don't forget we've got drinks later. 16 00:00:31,030 --> 00:00:33,554 Right. Any specific joke areas I should stay away from? 17 00:00:33,597 --> 00:00:35,209 Oh, no, don't worry about it. 18 00:00:35,252 --> 00:00:37,298 It's mostly just me and the guys talking business. 19 00:00:37,341 --> 00:00:39,429 Hey, you using those spin classes I got you? 20 00:00:39,473 --> 00:00:41,215 Yeah. I went twice last week. 21 00:00:41,258 --> 00:00:42,085 You can't tell? 22 00:00:42,128 --> 00:00:43,956 Sure, I can. 23 00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:46,262 The best part about taking over my dad's company -- 24 00:00:46,307 --> 00:00:51,485 I am now a powerful white male, and I love it. 25 00:00:51,529 --> 00:00:54,097 I totally get now why we don't want anyone else 26 00:00:54,140 --> 00:00:55,359 to have what we have. 27 00:00:55,402 --> 00:00:58,319 Honey, before I take off for work, 28 00:00:58,362 --> 00:01:02,801 I saw this and I thought of you. 29 00:01:02,844 --> 00:01:04,325 What is it? 30 00:01:04,367 --> 00:01:05,543 It's a key? 31 00:01:05,587 --> 00:01:07,153 Yeah, it is. 32 00:01:07,197 --> 00:01:08,284 It is a key... 33 00:01:08,329 --> 00:01:13,028 but a key to what? 34 00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:15,683 [ Chirping ] 35 00:01:15,727 --> 00:01:16,945 No! 36 00:01:16,989 --> 00:01:18,382 No! 37 00:01:18,426 --> 00:01:20,384 You got me a PhunkeeDuck?! 38 00:01:20,427 --> 00:01:23,170 No more walking for my man. Walking's for jerks. 39 00:01:23,212 --> 00:01:25,998 Oh, my God! That is the best gift ever! 40 00:01:26,042 --> 00:01:28,957 I don't know where it stops and I begin! 41 00:01:29,001 --> 00:01:31,960 --Captions by VITAC-- 42 00:01:32,003 --> 00:01:34,963 Captioning Provided by 20th Century Fox Television and ABC, Inc. 43 00:01:35,007 --> 00:01:37,966 and brought to you by Ford. We go further, so you can. 44 00:01:38,009 --> 00:01:40,229 ♪♪ 45 00:01:43,406 --> 00:01:44,799 Where is it? Where is it? 46 00:01:44,843 --> 00:01:47,846 You know, these cheese cubes keep getting smaller every week. 47 00:01:47,890 --> 00:01:50,414 I should start saving these to prove my point. 48 00:01:50,457 --> 00:01:51,414 Wow, am I retired. 49 00:01:51,459 --> 00:01:53,417 [ Gasps ] It's there! 50 00:01:53,460 --> 00:01:54,549 It's beautiful! 51 00:01:54,591 --> 00:01:56,377 A little revealing. 52 00:01:56,420 --> 00:01:58,640 I mean, I get using sex to sell your hot sauce. 53 00:01:58,682 --> 00:02:01,382 That's why I wore Jordache jeans in my old closet ads. 54 00:02:01,424 --> 00:02:03,296 But a little much, isn't it? 55 00:02:03,340 --> 00:02:04,515 It's obviously working. 56 00:02:04,558 --> 00:02:06,561 The store said that they put out 57 00:02:06,603 --> 00:02:10,304 100 bottles of my sauce, and half of them are gone! 58 00:02:10,347 --> 00:02:11,740 [ Sighs ] 59 00:02:11,782 --> 00:02:12,783 Oh, my. 60 00:02:12,828 --> 00:02:14,176 Auntie Alice! 61 00:02:14,221 --> 00:02:16,310 She's a hot-sauce legend. 62 00:02:16,353 --> 00:02:17,832 Her Level Three Sauce 63 00:02:17,876 --> 00:02:20,662 has a picture of a rooster exploding. 64 00:02:20,704 --> 00:02:22,271 I have to go meet her. 65 00:02:22,316 --> 00:02:25,187 Hey, guys, take a pic. 66 00:02:25,231 --> 00:02:28,235 Hey, get out of here! That's my wife! 67 00:02:28,277 --> 00:02:30,105 I am a huge fan. 68 00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:34,240 I have read your life story on your label a thousand times. 69 00:02:34,283 --> 00:02:37,331 Is it true that your father crashed his pepper truck 70 00:02:37,373 --> 00:02:40,289 into a papaya tree and the legend was born? 71 00:02:40,334 --> 00:02:42,987 You're asking me if something's real? 72 00:02:43,031 --> 00:02:46,426 I can't believe that that cutout's an actual person. 73 00:02:46,469 --> 00:02:47,819 [ Laughs ] 74 00:02:50,387 --> 00:02:51,432 Miles? 75 00:02:51,474 --> 00:02:52,606 Oh, hey, Jay. 76 00:02:52,650 --> 00:02:55,348 Uh, trying to read a text. 77 00:02:55,391 --> 00:02:57,133 They keep the lights in here so low 78 00:02:57,176 --> 00:02:58,917 so they don't have to rotate the produce. 79 00:02:58,961 --> 00:03:00,004 Don't give me that. 80 00:03:00,049 --> 00:03:01,006 I'm sorry, man. 81 00:03:01,050 --> 00:03:03,008 I've been lonely since Reynetta left. 82 00:03:03,051 --> 00:03:04,487 You're a deacon. 83 00:03:05,620 --> 00:03:07,098 Honey, foot rub. 84 00:03:07,143 --> 00:03:08,144 Pass. 85 00:03:08,187 --> 00:03:10,799 [ Whirring ] -Okay, there it is again! 86 00:03:10,842 --> 00:03:13,931 I'm telling you, something weird is going on up there. 87 00:03:13,975 --> 00:03:16,935 We're renting our upstairs unit to earn a little extra cash 88 00:03:16,978 --> 00:03:19,286 and add a little extra tension to our marriage. 89 00:03:19,329 --> 00:03:21,375 Our current guests registered 90 00:03:21,418 --> 00:03:23,942 as Mr. and Mrs. Wilkerson and Tommy. 91 00:03:23,985 --> 00:03:27,555 I was expecting a nice young couple and their little boy. 92 00:03:29,295 --> 00:03:30,949 Oh. Hello. You -- 93 00:03:30,992 --> 00:03:34,735 So, you -- You must be Mr. and Mrs. Wilkerson? 94 00:03:34,778 --> 00:03:36,477 -That's right. -So you're Tommy? 95 00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:37,390 He is. 96 00:03:37,433 --> 00:03:38,478 Welcome. 97 00:03:38,521 --> 00:03:40,175 Cam, let's help them with their trunk. 98 00:03:40,219 --> 00:03:41,176 No! 99 00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:44,746 No? Okay, well, uh, here is the key. 100 00:03:44,788 --> 00:03:46,530 -Here you are. -Thank you. 101 00:03:46,574 --> 00:03:47,227 Tommy? 102 00:03:49,533 --> 00:03:51,926 Okay, what is that all about? 103 00:03:51,969 --> 00:03:53,276 I mean, three adults? 104 00:03:53,319 --> 00:03:55,365 Why doesn't Tommy have a last name? 105 00:03:55,408 --> 00:03:57,280 Why doesn't Tommy talk? Is he their captive? 106 00:03:57,324 --> 00:03:59,108 Is Mrs. Wilkerson their captive? 107 00:03:59,151 --> 00:04:00,413 Is the captive in the trunk? 108 00:04:00,456 --> 00:04:02,110 So there has to be a captive? 109 00:04:02,153 --> 00:04:04,156 Lately, we've been getting negative reviews 110 00:04:04,199 --> 00:04:05,723 -from some of our renters. -Say it. 111 00:04:05,766 --> 00:04:07,769 And they tend to follow the common theme 112 00:04:07,812 --> 00:04:10,293 that the "bigger one" is "nosy." 113 00:04:10,336 --> 00:04:13,383 While others say the "orange fella" 114 00:04:13,426 --> 00:04:15,429 is "standoffish and cold." 115 00:04:15,472 --> 00:04:16,690 Who says that? 116 00:04:16,733 --> 00:04:18,954 I'm saying it now. 117 00:04:18,997 --> 00:04:20,172 [ Whirring, squeaking ] 118 00:04:20,216 --> 00:04:22,130 Okay, we need to find out what that is. 119 00:04:22,173 --> 00:04:23,567 Cam, stay out of their business, all right? 120 00:04:23,610 --> 00:04:25,656 If we drop below three stars, we're gonna be stuck renting 121 00:04:25,699 --> 00:04:27,571 to chain smokers and pregnant foreigners 122 00:04:27,615 --> 00:04:29,485 trying to have their babies in America. 123 00:04:29,529 --> 00:04:31,444 Mark down the time. I just turned into my father. 124 00:04:31,487 --> 00:04:32,706 I'm going up. 125 00:04:32,750 --> 00:04:34,230 Cam... 126 00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:37,538 Cam, what are you doing?! 127 00:04:37,581 --> 00:04:39,365 I am checking on our guests. 128 00:04:39,408 --> 00:04:41,237 Hello! Oh, all three of you. 129 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,370 Uh, just stopped by to see if you guys need 130 00:04:43,413 --> 00:04:44,675 some fresh -- fresh towels. 131 00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:46,502 We're fine, thank you. 132 00:04:46,547 --> 00:04:49,593 Uh, yes, you were gonna say something? 133 00:04:49,637 --> 00:04:50,507 You saw that, right? 134 00:04:50,550 --> 00:04:52,944 Mrs. Wilkerson was giving me the distress signal. 135 00:04:52,987 --> 00:04:54,555 She was like... 136 00:04:54,598 --> 00:04:55,382 Come on. 137 00:04:56,860 --> 00:04:57,731 Cam! 138 00:04:57,774 --> 00:04:59,386 Us again. Just triple-checking 139 00:04:59,428 --> 00:05:01,257 to see if you need some hand soap, 140 00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:03,389 a chance to talk to one of us alone, some muffins. 141 00:05:03,432 --> 00:05:05,956 Really, we're fine. You don't have to keep checking. 142 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:07,218 Help! 143 00:05:08,437 --> 00:05:09,961 She did not say "help." 144 00:05:10,004 --> 00:05:11,353 So you did hear it. 145 00:05:13,442 --> 00:05:16,446 Hey, Delgado, thank your mom for my new screen saver. 146 00:05:16,490 --> 00:05:17,360 Will do, Parker. 147 00:05:17,403 --> 00:05:19,144 And speaking of two-dimensional women 148 00:05:19,187 --> 00:05:20,841 who know a thing or two about sauce, 149 00:05:20,884 --> 00:05:23,365 stop by Flanagan's and say hi to your mom for me. 150 00:05:23,410 --> 00:05:24,540 [ Laughter ] 151 00:05:26,456 --> 00:05:28,370 I know you were bothered by that cutout. 152 00:05:28,415 --> 00:05:30,417 But every teenager gets teased, 153 00:05:30,459 --> 00:05:32,418 and you have to rise above it, so -- 154 00:05:32,461 --> 00:05:34,377 -Your mother's in the trunk. -What? 155 00:05:34,420 --> 00:05:36,161 I couldn't stand the ogling and the selfies, 156 00:05:36,204 --> 00:05:37,598 so I stole it -- for both our sakes. 157 00:05:37,641 --> 00:05:38,555 We're in this together. 158 00:05:38,598 --> 00:05:39,990 How? I didn't steal it. 159 00:05:40,034 --> 00:05:41,514 Oh, I see where this is going. 160 00:05:41,557 --> 00:05:44,255 You complain and complain, I make the problem go away, 161 00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:45,954 and you had nothing to do with it. 162 00:05:45,997 --> 00:05:48,216 I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for any of this. 163 00:05:48,259 --> 00:05:50,437 Let's not turn on each other. It'll make us sloppy. 164 00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:52,569 I need your help to get rid of it. 165 00:05:52,612 --> 00:05:54,701 God knows I've already tried. 166 00:06:00,576 --> 00:06:03,144 Son of a... 167 00:06:11,935 --> 00:06:13,459 Son of a... 168 00:06:13,502 --> 00:06:16,288 A lot of cool storage solutions coming out of Asia, huh? 169 00:06:16,331 --> 00:06:17,637 Yeah, there really are. 170 00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:19,814 But I think you might be even more interested 171 00:06:19,856 --> 00:06:21,293 in what's been coming out of Cuba. 172 00:06:21,336 --> 00:06:22,338 Hey-o! 173 00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:24,687 [ Laughter ] -Is she the best or what? 174 00:06:24,731 --> 00:06:25,471 Shall we, hmm? 175 00:06:25,514 --> 00:06:27,038 -Let's do it. -Mm-hmm. 176 00:06:27,081 --> 00:06:28,257 You know what, honey? 177 00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:29,867 We are just gonna talk about work. 178 00:06:29,911 --> 00:06:32,129 Why don't you stay and have another drink, huh? 179 00:06:32,173 --> 00:06:34,045 Oh. Well, you don't have to twist my arm. 180 00:06:34,088 --> 00:06:36,439 What do you say, ladies? Another round of Sapphire Sins? 181 00:06:36,483 --> 00:06:37,658 Ooh, yes, please. 182 00:06:37,701 --> 00:06:39,442 Phil, you are just so much fun. 183 00:06:39,485 --> 00:06:40,922 Thank you. 184 00:06:40,965 --> 00:06:43,663 Oh, it is so nice to hear those words come out of a man's mouth. 185 00:06:43,706 --> 00:06:44,447 Tell me about it. 186 00:06:44,490 --> 00:06:46,492 Ever since Kyle got that promotion, 187 00:06:46,536 --> 00:06:47,668 he barely acknowledges me. 188 00:06:47,711 --> 00:06:50,060 Come on, now, I'm sure he knows how lucky he is. 189 00:06:50,105 --> 00:06:51,889 You have the twins, a spotless house, 190 00:06:51,932 --> 00:06:53,543 killer yoga arms. 191 00:06:53,586 --> 00:06:54,543 Aw. 192 00:06:54,588 --> 00:06:55,502 Unh-unh. This happens all the time -- 193 00:06:55,545 --> 00:06:57,547 They get on their track to success, 194 00:06:57,591 --> 00:06:59,548 and you become the invisible housewife. 195 00:06:59,593 --> 00:07:01,463 I don't know about allthe time. 196 00:07:01,507 --> 00:07:03,552 Sitting with all those gals, I thought, 197 00:07:03,596 --> 00:07:05,903 "Wow, this is an insane amount of perfume. 198 00:07:05,947 --> 00:07:07,557 And also, am I on my way 199 00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:09,516 to becoming an invisible housewife?" 200 00:07:09,559 --> 00:07:11,605 No way. There'd be signs, right? 201 00:07:11,648 --> 00:07:15,696 Hey, stranger. Been keeping dinner warm for ya. 202 00:07:15,738 --> 00:07:17,524 Oh, that's nice. I had a steak at the club. 203 00:07:17,567 --> 00:07:19,699 But I wouldn't knock a Scotch out of your hands. 204 00:07:19,742 --> 00:07:20,701 Sure thing. 205 00:07:20,744 --> 00:07:21,701 Hey, is now an okay time 206 00:07:21,745 --> 00:07:23,180 to go over this list of house stuff? 207 00:07:23,225 --> 00:07:24,661 Mm-hmm. Let's see. 208 00:07:24,704 --> 00:07:28,098 Don't care, don't care, call a guy, don't care. 209 00:07:28,143 --> 00:07:30,667 Guess who got the big listing on Westmount today. 210 00:07:30,711 --> 00:07:33,408 Oh, that's great, sweetie. It'll keep you busy. 211 00:07:35,192 --> 00:07:36,891 -Is that a new bracelet? -[ Gasps ] 212 00:07:36,933 --> 00:07:38,108 Oh, yes, it is. 213 00:07:38,153 --> 00:07:40,415 Jim bought it for me after our last big fight. 214 00:07:40,459 --> 00:07:43,071 I was on him about taking all those business trips. 215 00:07:43,113 --> 00:07:44,593 That's what they do. 216 00:07:44,637 --> 00:07:47,204 Throw some new piece of jewelry at you to keep you happy. 217 00:07:47,249 --> 00:07:49,163 Mm-hmm. Not that I'm complaining. 218 00:07:49,206 --> 00:07:50,425 -Ooh, hello. -Oh. 219 00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:52,689 [ Laughter ] 220 00:07:52,733 --> 00:07:53,776 Right? 221 00:07:59,826 --> 00:08:00,653 Oh, good, Mom's car is gone. 222 00:08:00,697 --> 00:08:01,872 All right. My hand saw is in the garage. 223 00:08:01,915 --> 00:08:03,091 You'll hold her down, I'll cut the head off -- 224 00:08:03,134 --> 00:08:04,353 -Jay! -Oh! 225 00:08:04,396 --> 00:08:05,875 My car got a flat tire, so it got towed. 226 00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:07,355 I need a ride to Phil's. 227 00:08:07,399 --> 00:08:09,750 He's helping me finish my sauce website. 228 00:08:09,793 --> 00:08:11,620 Manny, baby, why are you crying? 229 00:08:11,665 --> 00:08:12,752 I'm not. 230 00:08:15,016 --> 00:08:17,627 Ooh, I got another e-mail from the store. 231 00:08:17,670 --> 00:08:19,673 I bet you that I sold another -- 232 00:08:19,716 --> 00:08:21,805 What the hell? Somebody stole my cutout. 233 00:08:21,848 --> 00:08:24,372 Stolen? Damn it! 234 00:08:24,415 --> 00:08:26,548 Well, there's no point in replacing it 235 00:08:26,593 --> 00:08:28,769 because it's just gonna get stolen again. 236 00:08:28,812 --> 00:08:29,552 I can't replace it. 237 00:08:29,596 --> 00:08:30,726 It took two weeks 238 00:08:30,771 --> 00:08:33,033 just to get the mechanical arm working right. 239 00:08:33,076 --> 00:08:34,687 Oh, wait till I get this rat. 240 00:08:34,730 --> 00:08:36,777 I'm going to make him regret that he was ever... 241 00:08:36,820 --> 00:08:37,734 [ Teeth chattering ] 242 00:08:37,778 --> 00:08:39,605 Hey, Jay, turn the heater on. 243 00:08:39,649 --> 00:08:41,476 I can hear Manny's teeth chattering. 244 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:42,826 [ Thumping ] 245 00:08:42,870 --> 00:08:44,567 What is that noise? 246 00:08:44,610 --> 00:08:45,828 I don't hear anything. 247 00:08:45,873 --> 00:08:47,614 [ Thumping continues ] 248 00:08:47,657 --> 00:08:49,179 What is that thumping noise? 249 00:08:49,224 --> 00:08:51,573 Manny, go check the trunk. 250 00:08:51,618 --> 00:08:54,403 Uh, I don't really feel like getting my hands dirty, Jay. 251 00:08:54,446 --> 00:08:56,753 Your hands are plenty dirty already, buddy boy. 252 00:08:56,797 --> 00:08:57,841 Go deal with it. 253 00:08:57,884 --> 00:09:01,018 I am going to find who did this, Jay, 254 00:09:01,062 --> 00:09:03,716 and I'm going to make him hurt. 255 00:09:03,759 --> 00:09:06,414 Every thief makes a mistake. 256 00:09:06,457 --> 00:09:08,851 Gloria, you're letting this get to you. 257 00:09:08,895 --> 00:09:10,811 You know what always calms you down? 258 00:09:10,854 --> 00:09:12,159 Joe's little duck song. 259 00:09:12,202 --> 00:09:14,205 Now, let's -- Let's get that going. 260 00:09:14,249 --> 00:09:16,163 I hate him. 261 00:09:16,206 --> 00:09:18,861 [ "Duck Parade" playing ] 262 00:09:18,905 --> 00:09:21,735 ♪ Quack, quack, quack, join the duck parade ♪ 263 00:09:21,778 --> 00:09:22,996 I want blood! 264 00:09:23,039 --> 00:09:26,609 ♪ Waddle, waddle, waddle, waddle, watch them wade ♪ 265 00:09:26,653 --> 00:09:28,176 ♪ Tail up, head down 266 00:09:28,219 --> 00:09:30,264 ♪ Shake your feathers all around ♪ 267 00:09:30,307 --> 00:09:33,659 ♪ Everybody's smiling at the duck parade ♪ 268 00:09:34,878 --> 00:09:37,010 This grainy security footage is all the store sent? 269 00:09:37,053 --> 00:09:37,967 Mm-hmm. 270 00:09:38,011 --> 00:09:40,971 I feel like I know him, Phil. 271 00:09:41,014 --> 00:09:42,885 Whoever it is, it looks like they want to get caught. 272 00:09:42,929 --> 00:09:44,713 He keeps going back for the cheese cubes. 273 00:09:44,758 --> 00:09:45,672 I can't watch this anymore. 274 00:09:45,715 --> 00:09:47,543 Let's just work on my website, okay?Sure. 275 00:09:47,586 --> 00:09:49,676 CLAIRE: Phil, I'm late for an appointment with a client. 276 00:09:49,719 --> 00:09:50,980 Can you do me a favor? 277 00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:53,244 If it's to put flowers in the bathroom, I already did. 278 00:09:53,288 --> 00:09:54,636 Oh, I hadn't noticed. 279 00:09:54,681 --> 00:09:56,072 Not surprised. 280 00:09:56,116 --> 00:09:58,640 Okay, I was supposed to get this client a bottle of Scotch. 281 00:09:58,684 --> 00:10:00,511 I haven't had time to do it myself. 282 00:10:00,556 --> 00:10:02,818 So can you pick one up and bring it down to the office? 283 00:10:02,863 --> 00:10:04,081 Whatever you need. 284 00:10:04,125 --> 00:10:05,865 I have to go out for a haircut anyway.Great. 285 00:10:05,908 --> 00:10:07,910 Except I got a haircut yesterday. 286 00:10:07,955 --> 00:10:10,740 Okay, wow. This kitchen really is a mess, huh? 287 00:10:10,783 --> 00:10:11,827 Mm. I'm off. 288 00:10:11,871 --> 00:10:13,613 Don't. 289 00:10:15,745 --> 00:10:17,703 Excuse me, Gloria. 290 00:10:17,746 --> 00:10:20,489 Apparently, I don't know how to keep a kitchen clean. 291 00:10:20,532 --> 00:10:21,316 What is that? 292 00:10:21,359 --> 00:10:22,838 Oh, it's just a little hush-up gift 293 00:10:22,883 --> 00:10:25,711 from my powerful wife who thinks she can take me for granted. 294 00:10:25,754 --> 00:10:28,452 And I'll just hover after her like a little puppy dog. 295 00:10:28,496 --> 00:10:30,368 You have to stop putting up with it. 296 00:10:30,412 --> 00:10:33,327 They don't mean to ignore you, but it will only get worse. 297 00:10:33,370 --> 00:10:35,721 One time when I had just married Jay, 298 00:10:35,764 --> 00:10:38,549 I spent a whole day cooking his favorite dinner. 299 00:10:38,594 --> 00:10:41,336 Beef Wellington and a baked potato with all the fixin's?Yes. 300 00:10:41,379 --> 00:10:44,556 And then when he got home, he barely noticed what I made. 301 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:47,471 So I took the emerald pendant that he had bought me 302 00:10:47,515 --> 00:10:49,952 for the three past dinners that he had missed 303 00:10:49,996 --> 00:10:51,912 and I threw it at his head. 304 00:10:51,955 --> 00:10:53,913 I told him I don't need fancy things. 305 00:10:53,956 --> 00:10:55,131 I need the respect. 306 00:10:55,176 --> 00:10:57,047 Isn't that an emerald pendant? 307 00:10:57,091 --> 00:10:58,745 It made its way back to me. 308 00:10:58,788 --> 00:11:01,703 But the point is that you have to make a statement. 309 00:11:01,748 --> 00:11:03,879 You have to give back the hoverboard. 310 00:11:03,923 --> 00:11:05,054 You know what? 311 00:11:05,099 --> 00:11:07,144 I hate to admit it, but you're right. 312 00:11:07,187 --> 00:11:08,928 Uh-oh. 313 00:11:08,971 --> 00:11:09,929 Phil? 314 00:11:09,972 --> 00:11:10,712 This happens. 315 00:11:10,756 --> 00:11:12,846 You just got to let the battery run out. 316 00:11:12,889 --> 00:11:15,370 We're out of stamps. I'm heading to the post office. 317 00:11:15,413 --> 00:11:16,500 Do you need anything? 318 00:11:16,544 --> 00:11:17,284 No, I'm good. 319 00:11:17,327 --> 00:11:18,286 What are you doing? 320 00:11:18,328 --> 00:11:19,940 Oh, uh, just a little research. 321 00:11:19,982 --> 00:11:22,812 "Wilkersons plus adults Tommy plus mysterious trunk." 322 00:11:22,855 --> 00:11:23,725 Okay, now try Googling 323 00:11:23,769 --> 00:11:25,989 "irrational meddling plus homosexual." 324 00:11:26,033 --> 00:11:28,861 Okay, Mitchell, what if they're a part of some weird cult? 325 00:11:28,904 --> 00:11:29,993 Remember that "20/20" we watched 326 00:11:30,037 --> 00:11:32,299 where they infiltrated the ritual ceremony 327 00:11:32,342 --> 00:11:35,129 and Elizabeth Vargas had to almost sacrifice a squirrel? 328 00:11:35,172 --> 00:11:37,479 I went through the bag they dumped in the trash. 329 00:11:38,567 --> 00:11:40,437 Oh, hi... 330 00:11:40,481 --> 00:11:41,961 Now you're involving our daughter? 331 00:11:42,004 --> 00:11:43,789 I don't know what she's talking about. 332 00:11:43,832 --> 00:11:44,878 Okay, you know what? 333 00:11:44,921 --> 00:11:46,793 You need to get out of the house. 334 00:11:46,836 --> 00:11:47,967 Go get the stamps. 335 00:11:48,010 --> 00:11:49,447 And a hobby. 336 00:11:49,490 --> 00:11:51,100 Okay, well, they're in our home, 337 00:11:51,144 --> 00:11:53,234 and I'm just trying to protect our family. 338 00:11:53,277 --> 00:11:55,018 I don't want to wake up dead. 339 00:11:55,062 --> 00:11:56,628 I can't believe I have to say this to you again. 340 00:11:56,672 --> 00:11:57,846 You cannot wake up and be dead. 341 00:11:57,890 --> 00:11:58,892 It's an expression! 342 00:11:58,934 --> 00:11:59,893 -It's not. [ Door closes ] 343 00:11:59,936 --> 00:12:01,807 Daddy should not have involved you in his snooping. 344 00:12:01,850 --> 00:12:04,114 So you don't want me to tell you what I found in here? 345 00:12:04,158 --> 00:12:05,985 No... 346 00:12:06,028 --> 00:12:07,856 Well, of course I looked. 347 00:12:07,900 --> 00:12:10,903 And inside I found latex gloves, a bottle of bleach, 348 00:12:10,947 --> 00:12:12,208 heavy-duty tarp. 349 00:12:12,253 --> 00:12:14,908 Now, I've never killed anyone and cleaned it up, 350 00:12:14,951 --> 00:12:16,169 but that sounds like a kit. 351 00:12:16,212 --> 00:12:17,998 So as soon as I saw them drive off 352 00:12:18,041 --> 00:12:20,870 in their windowless murder van, I-I ran upstairs. 353 00:12:24,047 --> 00:12:26,788 Oh, my God! 354 00:12:26,832 --> 00:12:29,661 What are you? 355 00:12:29,705 --> 00:12:32,663 [ Footsteps approach, keys jingle ] 356 00:12:32,707 --> 00:12:34,057 [ Figurine clatters ] 357 00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:41,499 The people are back! 358 00:12:41,543 --> 00:12:43,326 Shh! 359 00:12:49,072 --> 00:12:49,812 Is this gonna be a daily thing now, Tommy, 360 00:12:49,855 --> 00:12:51,292 losing your phone? 361 00:12:53,684 --> 00:12:55,687 Oh, thank God. 362 00:12:55,730 --> 00:12:58,298 Wait. Where are you going? 363 00:12:58,341 --> 00:12:59,952 Oh! 364 00:13:03,739 --> 00:13:04,913 [ Gasps ] 365 00:13:04,957 --> 00:13:07,611 [ Ringtone plays ] 366 00:13:07,655 --> 00:13:08,918 Hey. Um, what's up? 367 00:13:08,961 --> 00:13:10,092 I'm still getting stamps. 368 00:13:10,136 --> 00:13:11,485 Look to your left. 369 00:13:11,528 --> 00:13:12,835 [ Gasps ] What are you doing? 370 00:13:12,879 --> 00:13:14,270 I'm hiding. They're here. 371 00:13:14,315 --> 00:13:16,490 I came up to see if anything weird was going on. 372 00:13:16,533 --> 00:13:18,710 Did ya? Were you curious? Gettin' a little nosy? 373 00:13:18,754 --> 00:13:19,624 Not the time. 374 00:13:19,668 --> 00:13:21,322 What are these creepy things? 375 00:13:21,365 --> 00:13:23,715 [ Gasps ] If these dolls could talk... 376 00:13:23,759 --> 00:13:26,109 They'd tell you I dropped one and then their head came off. 377 00:13:26,153 --> 00:13:27,067 Well, you have to put it back. 378 00:13:27,110 --> 00:13:28,850 Maybe they won't notice one of them's missing. 379 00:13:28,894 --> 00:13:30,678 Yeah, this seems like a casual interest. 380 00:13:30,721 --> 00:13:32,028 Oh my gosh, here they come. 381 00:13:32,072 --> 00:13:35,075 Okay, I'll create a distraction so you can get back in there. 382 00:13:35,118 --> 00:13:38,033 I simply invited them to a complimentary cocktail hour. 383 00:13:38,077 --> 00:13:40,907 Even possible Satanists enjoy a triple-cream Brie 384 00:13:40,950 --> 00:13:42,951 and a crisp Chardonnay. [ Chuckles ] 385 00:13:42,995 --> 00:13:44,519 So, what brings you all to town? 386 00:13:44,562 --> 00:13:47,216 We're here for the Chuckled Chums Convention. 387 00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:49,915 I'm sorry, the -- the Chuckled Chums? 388 00:13:49,959 --> 00:13:52,482 They're a line of ceramic figurines. 389 00:13:52,527 --> 00:13:54,136 We're avid collectors. 390 00:13:54,181 --> 00:13:56,096 -Oh. [ Thud, clattering ] 391 00:13:58,097 --> 00:13:59,926 -Well, that sounds fun. -Yeah. 392 00:13:59,969 --> 00:14:03,364 Every year we gather together with like-minded Chum lovers 393 00:14:03,407 --> 00:14:05,278 to share our favorite pieces. 394 00:14:05,322 --> 00:14:06,279 [ Gasps ] 395 00:14:06,322 --> 00:14:07,716 Yes? You -- You want to say s-- 396 00:14:07,759 --> 00:14:08,586 Help! 397 00:14:08,629 --> 00:14:10,587 Oh, bless you, darling. 398 00:14:10,631 --> 00:14:13,461 You've probably guessed. I'm the figurine restorer. 399 00:14:13,504 --> 00:14:14,591 We're so excited. 400 00:14:14,635 --> 00:14:16,681 Ours is this year's featured collection 401 00:14:16,725 --> 00:14:19,119 because of its size and pristine condition. 402 00:14:19,162 --> 00:14:22,948 I hope the industrial polisher we brought wasn't too loud. 403 00:14:22,991 --> 00:14:25,385 No, we can't hear anything that goes on upstairs. 404 00:14:27,953 --> 00:14:29,042 Okay. 405 00:14:29,085 --> 00:14:30,913 All right. 406 00:14:30,956 --> 00:14:32,349 Oh, no. 407 00:14:34,003 --> 00:14:36,048 No, no, no, no, no! No, no, no, no, no! 408 00:14:36,091 --> 00:14:37,832 No, no! No, no, no! 409 00:14:37,876 --> 00:14:39,529 Oh, God, no! 410 00:14:39,573 --> 00:14:41,009 [ Clattering ] 411 00:14:41,053 --> 00:14:41,836 Hm. 412 00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:43,143 Fortunately, Chuckle Chums 413 00:14:43,186 --> 00:14:44,840 aren't all that expensive to replace. 414 00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:47,581 They're mainly just an excuse for lonely people to go outside. 415 00:14:47,625 --> 00:14:50,498 Point is, we learned our lesson. No more snooping.Absolutely. 416 00:14:50,540 --> 00:14:52,979 Although we still don't have an explanation 417 00:14:53,022 --> 00:14:55,850 for those creaky floorboards in the middle of the night. 418 00:14:55,894 --> 00:14:58,201 Heavy-footed going one way, light coming back. 419 00:14:58,245 --> 00:15:01,769 Was it Tommy joining his chums for a ménage à trois, 420 00:15:01,812 --> 00:15:05,207 then being replaced by Mrs. Wilkerson on the couch? 421 00:15:05,251 --> 00:15:08,428 Okay, you need... help! 422 00:15:08,471 --> 00:15:09,559 Son of a bitch. 423 00:15:09,604 --> 00:15:11,214 I broke two saw blades on this thing, 424 00:15:11,258 --> 00:15:13,389 and now these miracle shears are no good. 425 00:15:13,433 --> 00:15:15,043 Guy who sold me these at the front door 426 00:15:15,087 --> 00:15:15,957 cut through a horseshoe. 427 00:15:16,001 --> 00:15:17,003 Hold on. Let's try your shredder. 428 00:15:17,046 --> 00:15:18,525 What's that doing down here anyway? 429 00:15:18,568 --> 00:15:20,005 I made an executive decision 430 00:15:20,048 --> 00:15:21,528 about some of Joe's lesser artwork. 431 00:15:21,572 --> 00:15:24,749 Help me lift this thing. 432 00:15:24,793 --> 00:15:26,186 [ Shredder whirring ] 433 00:15:26,229 --> 00:15:27,143 Hey, it's working! 434 00:15:27,187 --> 00:15:29,014 The best shredder money can buy. 435 00:15:29,057 --> 00:15:31,234 In 2004, our whisper-close hamper technology 436 00:15:31,278 --> 00:15:33,845 got stolen out of the trash, got sold on the dark web. 437 00:15:33,889 --> 00:15:34,802 Never again. 438 00:15:34,846 --> 00:15:36,196 Oh, no, it's stuck! 439 00:15:36,239 --> 00:15:38,459 GLORIA: Hola! 440 00:15:40,243 --> 00:15:42,201 Hey-oh! 441 00:15:42,245 --> 00:15:43,419 Hey, you're back early, huh? 442 00:15:43,463 --> 00:15:45,856 Yeah, I didn't want to go back to that store 443 00:15:45,900 --> 00:15:46,989 and get angry again. 444 00:15:47,033 --> 00:15:48,556 -I just want to relax. -Yeah. 445 00:15:48,599 --> 00:15:50,036 Manny! 446 00:15:50,078 --> 00:15:51,863 Uh, yes, Mama? 447 00:15:51,907 --> 00:15:53,386 Can you please draw me a bath 448 00:15:53,429 --> 00:15:55,605 with those fancy bath salts that you have? 449 00:15:55,649 --> 00:15:57,216 Oh, I usually save those for spec-- 450 00:15:57,259 --> 00:15:58,173 Just draw the damn bath. 451 00:15:58,217 --> 00:16:00,046 I'll get you a nice glass of wine to go with it. 452 00:16:00,089 --> 00:16:01,047 -Oh, okay. -Come on, honey, 453 00:16:01,090 --> 00:16:03,222 I got a nice Chardonnay out here you're gonna like. 454 00:16:03,265 --> 00:16:05,833 [ Scratching ] -Is that Stella? 455 00:16:05,876 --> 00:16:07,182 No, definitely not. 456 00:16:07,226 --> 00:16:08,793 What did you bring? 457 00:16:08,836 --> 00:16:09,576 Gloria, wait. 458 00:16:09,620 --> 00:16:10,447 [ Gasps ] Oh! 459 00:16:10,490 --> 00:16:11,927 Gloria, don't be mad. 460 00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:15,625 It must have been that old witch, Auntie Alice! 461 00:16:15,669 --> 00:16:18,846 She must have left this as a warning! 462 00:16:18,889 --> 00:16:20,109 Devious. 463 00:16:20,153 --> 00:16:22,284 Dang it, I got my fingerprints all over it now. 464 00:16:22,328 --> 00:16:26,158 I bet she was the one who gave me that flat tire. 465 00:16:27,289 --> 00:16:28,335 Who are you calling? 466 00:16:30,250 --> 00:16:32,251 [ Speaking Spanish ] 467 00:16:34,341 --> 00:16:35,211 ...Auntie Alice. 468 00:16:35,254 --> 00:16:36,865 What was that? 469 00:16:36,908 --> 00:16:38,735 She's going to pay. 470 00:16:38,779 --> 00:16:40,042 You don't even know it was her. 471 00:16:40,086 --> 00:16:41,434 Whatever that was, you got to call it off. 472 00:16:41,477 --> 00:16:43,480 I know it was her. I saw the evil in her eyes. 473 00:16:43,524 --> 00:16:45,438 She probably has cataracts. 474 00:16:45,481 --> 00:16:47,745 Oh, for God's sake, Gloria, I did it. 475 00:16:47,788 --> 00:16:49,399 -I stole the cutout. -You? 476 00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:52,227 I didn't love the way those guys were taking pictures with it. 477 00:16:52,272 --> 00:16:54,490 Jay, but you've never been jealous like this. 478 00:16:54,534 --> 00:16:55,710 Well, when we first met, 479 00:16:55,753 --> 00:16:57,145 but then I realized it's a full-time job. 480 00:16:57,190 --> 00:16:58,191 I'm sorry. 481 00:16:58,234 --> 00:17:01,846 There's nothing wrong with being protective of your wife. 482 00:17:01,889 --> 00:17:03,109 It means that you care. 483 00:17:03,152 --> 00:17:05,546 Is something bad happening to that poor woman? 484 00:17:05,588 --> 00:17:07,329 I don't know details. I let them decide. 485 00:17:07,374 --> 00:17:08,983 They don't like to feel managed. 486 00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:11,116 I'm begging you to make that call! 487 00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:14,076 Auntie Alice spoke at Career Day at my high school! 488 00:17:14,119 --> 00:17:15,511 [ Telephone rings ] 489 00:17:15,556 --> 00:17:16,338 Hello? 490 00:17:16,383 --> 00:17:18,645 No, we didn't order flowers. 491 00:17:18,689 --> 00:17:20,909 That's them. Tell them no tulips. 492 00:17:20,951 --> 00:17:22,432 Uh, no tulips. 493 00:17:22,476 --> 00:17:24,086 They hung up. 494 00:17:24,130 --> 00:17:26,219 Good thing that I remembered the code. 495 00:17:26,261 --> 00:17:27,133 [ Chuckles ] 496 00:17:27,175 --> 00:17:29,308 Okay, now, my -- mwah! -- big jealous man, 497 00:17:29,352 --> 00:17:30,875 let's go and have some wine. 498 00:17:30,919 --> 00:17:33,226 I don't know why that cutout bugged me so much. 499 00:17:33,269 --> 00:17:36,097 I guess probably because I have more time now to be jealous. 500 00:17:36,142 --> 00:17:38,796 Okay, now, you have more time to take me upstairs 501 00:17:38,839 --> 00:17:42,322 and show me what those bad men were doing to me at the store. 502 00:17:42,365 --> 00:17:45,238 I'm getting back to liking retirement. 503 00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:48,109 I told you to say no roses, right? 504 00:17:48,153 --> 00:17:49,241 Tulips! 505 00:17:49,285 --> 00:17:51,634 I'm sure it's fine. 506 00:17:53,201 --> 00:17:55,987 Here's the Scotch you asked for. 507 00:17:56,030 --> 00:17:58,903 And also, there's something else. 508 00:17:58,947 --> 00:18:01,471 I'm returning the hoverboard. 509 00:18:01,515 --> 00:18:03,517 Fine. I-I think the receipt was in the box. 510 00:18:03,559 --> 00:18:05,039 Oh. Okay. Well, good. 511 00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:07,825 Because I can't accept a gift if it's just a shiny 512 00:18:07,868 --> 00:18:11,046 servo-controlled substitute for respect and appreciation. 513 00:18:11,089 --> 00:18:12,352 I'm not invisible, Claire. 514 00:18:12,394 --> 00:18:14,396 You married a strong and capable man who -- 515 00:18:14,441 --> 00:18:16,224 Can you help me with this clasp? 516 00:18:16,269 --> 00:18:18,575 Claire? 517 00:18:18,618 --> 00:18:19,489 Honey? 518 00:18:19,532 --> 00:18:21,230 No. Don't cry. 519 00:18:21,273 --> 00:18:23,144 I-I can, uh -- I can keep it if you want. 520 00:18:23,189 --> 00:18:25,365 I-I can't return it anyway. I already dented it. 521 00:18:25,407 --> 00:18:27,148 No, it's not that. It's -- it's not. 522 00:18:27,192 --> 00:18:29,499 It's just all of this. I'm so stressed. 523 00:18:29,542 --> 00:18:31,587 Phil, I've never been a boss before, 524 00:18:31,632 --> 00:18:32,936 and I am freaking out. 525 00:18:32,980 --> 00:18:34,200 But you've been handled it so well. 526 00:18:34,242 --> 00:18:37,246 I am faking it, Phil. I have no idea what I'm doing. 527 00:18:37,289 --> 00:18:38,421 I'm just copying my dad -- 528 00:18:38,464 --> 00:18:40,380 the steak, the Scotch, the cigars. 529 00:18:40,423 --> 00:18:43,034 Do you have any idea how bad the heartburn is? 530 00:18:43,077 --> 00:18:45,079 But you just got here. Give it a little time. 531 00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:46,777 There is no time. I'm in charge now. 532 00:18:46,820 --> 00:18:48,387 And I live every day in constant fear 533 00:18:48,431 --> 00:18:50,346 of everyone discovering that I'm a fraud. 534 00:18:50,390 --> 00:18:52,434 Oh, my God, I really am a powerful white male! 535 00:18:52,479 --> 00:18:54,220 Hey, you are not a fraud. 536 00:18:54,262 --> 00:18:58,833 I haven't had the guts to sit at my dad's desk since he left. 537 00:18:58,875 --> 00:19:01,314 I still feel like the little girl 538 00:19:01,356 --> 00:19:04,011 who used to play hide-and-seek under it. 539 00:19:04,055 --> 00:19:06,318 Look. 540 00:19:06,362 --> 00:19:07,580 This is your desk now. 541 00:19:07,624 --> 00:19:10,060 You've earned it. 542 00:19:10,105 --> 00:19:14,674 You are not a little girl anymore. 543 00:19:14,718 --> 00:19:18,243 In fact, you're the strongest, 544 00:19:18,287 --> 00:19:19,593 smartest woman I know. 545 00:19:19,635 --> 00:19:23,249 The hardest company in the world to run is Dunphy Co., 546 00:19:23,291 --> 00:19:25,468 and you've kept us in business for 22 years. 547 00:19:25,511 --> 00:19:27,252 I don't worry about you in this job. 548 00:19:27,296 --> 00:19:29,558 I worry about the poor chump who has to follow you. 549 00:19:29,603 --> 00:19:30,994 Oh. 550 00:19:31,038 --> 00:19:33,911 MARGARET: Everyone is here for your meeting. 551 00:19:33,954 --> 00:19:35,217 Knock 'em dead, boss. 552 00:19:35,260 --> 00:19:36,913 Uh, Phil, wait. Oh! 553 00:19:36,958 --> 00:19:38,263 Oh, sorry. 554 00:19:38,307 --> 00:19:41,222 Thank you... 555 00:19:41,267 --> 00:19:42,484 for everything. 556 00:19:42,528 --> 00:19:43,224 Thank you. 557 00:19:43,269 --> 00:19:46,141 And I'm sorry if I don't say it more. 558 00:19:46,184 --> 00:19:47,490 Come here. 559 00:19:47,534 --> 00:19:51,015 I guess you want to get rolling on your meeting. 560 00:19:51,058 --> 00:19:51,798 Mm. 561 00:19:51,842 --> 00:19:54,018 I'll just duckout. 562 00:19:54,061 --> 00:19:55,454 -Take it. -Thank you. 563 00:19:55,498 --> 00:19:56,499 [ Sighs ] 564 00:19:56,542 --> 00:19:57,500 [ Beep ] 565 00:19:59,894 --> 00:20:01,287 Claire? 566 00:20:03,114 --> 00:20:04,768 I love you. 567 00:20:18,346 --> 00:20:19,521 Okay, Margaret. 568 00:20:19,566 --> 00:20:21,480 PHIL: No, no, no, no, no, let me spin! 569 00:20:21,523 --> 00:20:23,265 It's worse if you try to help. 570 00:20:23,308 --> 00:20:25,441 Send them in. 571 00:20:27,922 --> 00:20:28,704 [ Sighs ] 572 00:20:39,673 --> 00:20:41,152 [ Beep ] 573 00:20:45,461 --> 00:20:46,635 Phil? 574 00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:49,248 Oh, no, not again. 575 00:20:56,906 --> 00:20:57,994 Should we wake him up? 576 00:20:58,038 --> 00:20:59,432 Oh, I read the instructions. 577 00:20:59,474 --> 00:21:00,259 It says not to. 578 00:21:03,479 --> 00:21:05,567 Hello. 579 00:21:05,612 --> 00:21:07,527 What? 580 00:21:07,569 --> 00:21:09,571 Don't worry. I'm a Realtor. 581 00:21:09,615 --> 00:21:11,356 I'll be right there. 582 00:21:14,621 --> 00:21:16,230 I have a really early meeting. 583 00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:17,753 -I'm on it. -Thank you.