1 00:00:02,403 --> 00:00:04,072 Hey, thank you. Here's an Andrew Jackson. 2 00:00:04,105 --> 00:00:05,506 Make a clean set of sheets happen, 3 00:00:05,538 --> 00:00:07,141 I'll introduce you to his twin brother. 4 00:00:07,174 --> 00:00:08,676 (chuckles) 5 00:00:08,708 --> 00:00:11,079 You don't have to do the banter, but what's it cost me? 6 00:00:11,112 --> 00:00:13,246 Manny, it was a great idea to come on the train. 7 00:00:13,281 --> 00:00:15,316 Rail is the last bastion of respectable travel 8 00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:17,850 now that every airport has become a sweat-pant convention. 9 00:00:17,885 --> 00:00:19,920 We are all traveling to Portland 10 00:00:19,952 --> 00:00:22,922 because Jay's ex-wife, Dede, is getting remarried. 11 00:00:22,955 --> 00:00:25,326 We're so happy. For us. 12 00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:27,361 It means the end of those damn alimony payments, 13 00:00:27,394 --> 00:00:29,362 so I'm gonna make sure Dede goes through with it. 14 00:00:29,396 --> 00:00:33,334 It'll be, "I do," "I do," "I'm done." 15 00:00:33,366 --> 00:00:34,667 (bell dinging) 16 00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:35,768 How much choice action 17 00:00:35,802 --> 00:00:37,036 are we gonna get on this trip? 18 00:00:37,070 --> 00:00:38,939 I'm managing my expectations. 19 00:00:38,972 --> 00:00:41,040 Don't you know anything about trains? 20 00:00:41,075 --> 00:00:42,343 Chicks go crazy. 21 00:00:42,375 --> 00:00:44,578 The vibrations get them all worked up. 22 00:00:44,612 --> 00:00:46,746 Also, they're trapped, which is nice. 23 00:00:46,780 --> 00:00:48,749 Hey. We're just gonna go bang out 24 00:00:48,781 --> 00:00:50,783 this toast for Mom. Yeah. Shouldn't have waited till the last minute. 25 00:00:50,817 --> 00:00:52,953 It'll be a nice distraction from your motion sickness. 26 00:00:52,985 --> 00:00:54,787 It's good, as long as I'm not facing backwards 27 00:00:54,822 --> 00:00:57,125 when the train is -- Oh, God, no. 28 00:00:57,158 --> 00:00:58,359 Lead me. 29 00:00:58,392 --> 00:01:00,194 All right, I got it. 30 00:01:00,228 --> 00:01:01,295 There you go. Fixed point. Mm-hmm. 31 00:01:01,329 --> 00:01:04,298 -- Captions by VITA -- 32 00:01:04,331 --> 00:01:07,301 Captioning Provided by 20th Century Fox Television and ABC, Inc. 33 00:01:07,334 --> 00:01:10,370 and brought to you by Ford. We go further, so you can. 34 00:01:10,403 --> 00:01:13,240 ** 35 00:01:14,775 --> 00:01:16,876 Oh, my God, it can't be. 36 00:01:16,909 --> 00:01:18,311 What? No, it's not a bald spot. 37 00:01:18,346 --> 00:01:19,813 I slept on it funny last night. 38 00:01:19,847 --> 00:01:22,483 No. The guy two rows back. 39 00:01:22,515 --> 00:01:23,917 Oh, my... That's Simon Ha-- 40 00:01:23,950 --> 00:01:25,118 Hastings. Oh, my -- 41 00:01:25,152 --> 00:01:26,754 You're a fan of his, too? 42 00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:28,289 Oh, my -- He's my favorite author. Don't tell Mitchell, 43 00:01:28,322 --> 00:01:29,757 but I was so engrossed in his last book, 44 00:01:29,789 --> 00:01:31,792 I didn't feed Lily for a day and a half. 45 00:01:33,593 --> 00:01:34,762 Wait a second. 46 00:01:34,795 --> 00:01:37,930 Simon Hastings is the genius behind 47 00:01:37,965 --> 00:01:39,432 the Silverton mystery novels. 48 00:01:39,466 --> 00:01:40,401 "Dismembers Only." 49 00:01:40,433 --> 00:01:41,502 "A Death of Fresh Air." 50 00:01:41,534 --> 00:01:42,770 The world has been waiting 51 00:01:42,802 --> 00:01:44,171 for the final book of the trilogy 52 00:01:44,204 --> 00:01:45,805 for almost, what, 10 years? 53 00:01:45,838 --> 00:01:48,075 I missed it so much, I took a stab at writing fan fiction. 54 00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:49,576 What? 55 00:01:49,609 --> 00:01:51,412 I put Silverton in the harrowing world of real estate 56 00:01:51,444 --> 00:01:53,347 with "Open House, Closed Casket." 57 00:01:53,381 --> 00:01:54,981 (gasps) 58 00:01:55,015 --> 00:01:56,049 Goose bumps. 59 00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:01,522 Hey! Hey! 60 00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:04,591 We hate to bother you, but you are our favorite author. 61 00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:06,859 Gentlemen, the words are all out there. 62 00:02:06,894 --> 00:02:09,763 I just arrange them in a financially rewarding way. 63 00:02:09,796 --> 00:02:13,334 (laughs) Droll is what that is. Droll. Classic Hastings. 64 00:02:13,366 --> 00:02:15,002 That by any chance isn't the -- 65 00:02:15,034 --> 00:02:16,437 the next Silverton novel, is it? 66 00:02:16,469 --> 00:02:18,205 You mean "Locomotive for Murder"? 67 00:02:18,239 --> 00:02:19,772 Crackerjack. 68 00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:21,442 It's not even out yet, and I'm sad about finishing it. 69 00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:23,377 Well, I hope you won't be disappointed. 70 00:02:23,411 --> 00:02:24,478 Lovely to meet you. 71 00:02:28,248 --> 00:02:29,650 What's your process? 72 00:02:29,682 --> 00:02:31,685 Are the characters just speaking through you? 73 00:02:31,718 --> 00:02:33,052 How important is plot? 74 00:02:33,086 --> 00:02:35,323 Here's an idea -- how would you two like 75 00:02:35,355 --> 00:02:37,658 to sit quietly and read the first chapter? 76 00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:38,626 Oh... What? 77 00:02:38,658 --> 00:02:40,360 ...my... What? 78 00:02:40,394 --> 00:02:41,662 ...God. What? 79 00:02:41,694 --> 00:02:43,230 (laughs) Rest assured. 80 00:02:43,264 --> 00:02:45,132 Your treasure is in good hands. 81 00:02:45,164 --> 00:02:47,367 We are also members of the artistic community. 82 00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:49,069 Clown. Magician. 83 00:02:49,102 --> 00:02:50,371 (chuckles) 84 00:02:50,403 --> 00:02:52,805 Ugh. 85 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,341 Nope. 86 00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:55,876 What? We're on a train, 87 00:02:55,908 --> 00:02:57,510 and I'm embracing a romantic style of travel. 88 00:02:57,545 --> 00:02:59,079 I get it, and I love it. 89 00:02:59,111 --> 00:03:00,747 Wonderful Victorian tea hat. 90 00:03:00,781 --> 00:03:02,682 Thank you. Top-notch travel derby. 91 00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:05,252 Ma'am. See you at high tea. 92 00:03:05,286 --> 00:03:08,087 He acts like someone with low "T." Ah. 93 00:03:08,121 --> 00:03:10,723 Ugh, I forgot my magazines when I was buying gum. 94 00:03:10,758 --> 00:03:12,393 Oh, it's hard to do two things at once. 95 00:03:12,425 --> 00:03:13,693 (sighs) You got an extra book? 96 00:03:13,727 --> 00:03:15,027 Well, I'm re-reading "Jane Eyre," 97 00:03:15,062 --> 00:03:16,396 but I've got "Anna Karenina" on deck. 98 00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:18,231 What you got? 99 00:03:18,265 --> 00:03:20,099 "Hurricane Harriet." It's mostly pictures. 100 00:03:20,133 --> 00:03:22,402 Sold. Move over. 101 00:03:22,436 --> 00:03:24,604 So, what's Harriet's deal? 102 00:03:24,638 --> 00:03:27,174 She's a ditzy girl who causes problems for everyone, 103 00:03:27,206 --> 00:03:28,442 but never realizes it. 104 00:03:28,475 --> 00:03:30,243 Doesn't sound very realistic. 105 00:03:33,079 --> 00:03:35,014 Ah, do you guys know where the bathroom is? 106 00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:36,417 Oh, back there. 107 00:03:36,449 --> 00:03:37,950 Isn't it that way? 108 00:03:37,985 --> 00:03:39,552 Doesn't matter. 109 00:03:39,586 --> 00:03:42,956 (indistinct conversations) 110 00:03:42,990 --> 00:03:44,625 First-class ticket, please. 111 00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:46,058 I just came looking for the bathroom. 112 00:03:46,093 --> 00:03:47,694 My ticket is in my seat. 113 00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:48,929 Do you have any idea how many times a day I hear that? 114 00:03:48,961 --> 00:03:50,730 Just go back where you came from. 115 00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:52,265 Go back where I came from? 116 00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:53,567 (chuckling) Okay. 117 00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:55,067 I see how it is. 118 00:04:02,109 --> 00:04:03,776 (shouting in Spanish) 119 00:04:03,811 --> 00:04:05,778 So, Harriet just sent those people 120 00:04:05,812 --> 00:04:07,114 right into a bear cave? 121 00:04:07,146 --> 00:04:08,581 She never knows what she's doing. 122 00:04:08,615 --> 00:04:10,318 (laughs) What an idiot. 123 00:04:14,187 --> 00:04:15,087 Excuse me. 124 00:04:16,689 --> 00:04:17,625 You mind if I sit here? 125 00:04:17,658 --> 00:04:19,427 Uh, no. (chuckles) 126 00:04:21,995 --> 00:04:23,797 You have a beautiful smile. 127 00:04:23,831 --> 00:04:25,432 Thanks. (chuckles) 128 00:04:25,466 --> 00:04:27,134 They make fun of you for wearing your headgear, 129 00:04:27,167 --> 00:04:29,101 but, hey, look at me now. 130 00:04:29,136 --> 00:04:30,069 (both laugh) 131 00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:31,771 Tickets? Oh, yeah. 132 00:04:31,805 --> 00:04:34,408 Uh, honey, do you have my ticket? No. 133 00:04:34,442 --> 00:04:36,409 I'm pretty sure I gave you my ticket, babe. 134 00:04:36,444 --> 00:04:38,278 Sorry, babe. Back to coach. 135 00:04:38,312 --> 00:04:41,113 I forgive you. (chuckles) 136 00:04:43,317 --> 00:04:46,687 Come find me. 137 00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:49,122 (door opens) (Gloria shouting in Spanish) 138 00:04:49,156 --> 00:04:51,692 "Mom has always been a free spirit." 139 00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:55,329 "She has also helped to free a lot of spirits from bottles 140 00:04:55,362 --> 00:04:57,831 'cause the woman's a boozehound!" Hello! 141 00:04:57,865 --> 00:04:59,199 Yeah, I'm not gonna put that in. 142 00:04:59,231 --> 00:05:01,033 Uh, how about this one? "The secret to her 143 00:05:01,067 --> 00:05:03,136 chocolate-chip cookies was a dash of salt --" 144 00:05:03,170 --> 00:05:07,173 "And two scoops of crazy because the lady's imbalanced." 145 00:05:07,206 --> 00:05:08,307 Hello! 146 00:05:08,341 --> 00:05:10,276 Claire, this is toast, not a roast. 147 00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:13,012 Are you uncomfortable because, for the first time in your life, 148 00:05:13,045 --> 00:05:15,516 you have to be the straight man? Hello! 149 00:05:15,548 --> 00:05:17,951 Saying "hello" doesn't make mean things funny. 150 00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:19,853 I like it. Well, you don't get to decide. 151 00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:21,053 How come you get to decide? 152 00:05:21,088 --> 00:05:22,523 'Cause Mom asked me and not you. 153 00:05:22,555 --> 00:05:24,024 I included you because I felt bad. 154 00:05:24,057 --> 00:05:26,360 (sighs) 155 00:05:26,394 --> 00:05:28,396 That's fine. I don't care. 156 00:05:28,428 --> 00:05:30,297 You can do it yourself. 157 00:05:30,329 --> 00:05:32,365 I don't care. Claire. 158 00:05:32,399 --> 00:05:34,167 Wait. 159 00:05:34,201 --> 00:05:36,370 (stammers) Nope. 160 00:05:36,403 --> 00:05:37,971 This is a $20. 161 00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:40,673 When my wife shows up later, "iced tea" means Scotch. 162 00:05:40,707 --> 00:05:43,543 Grandpa, do you think it's weird 163 00:05:43,576 --> 00:05:45,077 Nana invited you to her wedding? 164 00:05:45,112 --> 00:05:47,415 I think it's the least-weird thing Dede's ever done. 165 00:05:47,447 --> 00:05:49,348 Well, if she was so bad, why'd you ever marry her? 166 00:05:49,382 --> 00:05:50,850 We were young. 167 00:05:50,884 --> 00:05:53,420 She was cute, but the constant nuttiness of Dede 168 00:05:53,454 --> 00:05:55,923 wore me down, robbed me of my will to live. 169 00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:58,057 One day, she pushed me off the edge. 170 00:05:58,091 --> 00:05:59,692 I ran out of the house. 171 00:05:59,726 --> 00:06:01,661 They found me shirtless in the local fire station. 172 00:06:01,694 --> 00:06:03,663 Excuse me. 173 00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:05,733 This, uh, Dede that you're speaking of -- 174 00:06:05,766 --> 00:06:07,367 um, is that Dede Pritchett, by chance? 175 00:06:07,401 --> 00:06:09,201 Do you know her? 176 00:06:09,235 --> 00:06:10,538 She's marrying my father. 177 00:06:10,571 --> 00:06:12,172 You're kidding. 178 00:06:12,204 --> 00:06:14,574 No. We're traveling to the wedding right now... 179 00:06:14,608 --> 00:06:15,576 if there is one. 180 00:06:15,608 --> 00:06:17,343 I've got to call Dad. 181 00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,978 I told you that woman was off. Just ridiculous. 182 00:06:21,281 --> 00:06:23,417 I'm gonna need $18 back. 183 00:06:25,151 --> 00:06:27,721 Uh, excuse me. Uh, hi, Mr. Hastings. 184 00:06:27,754 --> 00:06:30,223 Um, do you know -- have they developed a cure yet? 185 00:06:30,257 --> 00:06:32,091 For what? 186 00:06:32,125 --> 00:06:34,293 A blown mind -- because we have two of them. (chuckles) 187 00:06:34,326 --> 00:06:36,930 You're too kind. Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you. 188 00:06:36,963 --> 00:06:39,432 We are just dying to know how the conductor got 189 00:06:39,466 --> 00:06:41,769 all the way from the front to the back, kill the ambassador, 190 00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:43,302 and not be seen? 191 00:06:43,336 --> 00:06:45,572 There's an escape hatch in the control room. 192 00:06:45,605 --> 00:06:46,906 Oh. 193 00:06:46,939 --> 00:06:48,475 He climbs up, crawls his way across 194 00:06:48,509 --> 00:06:50,744 the top of the train to the caboose. 195 00:06:50,778 --> 00:06:54,113 There, his feet firmly planted, thanks to magnetic shoes, 196 00:06:54,146 --> 00:06:57,084 he hangs down, shoots the ambassador, 197 00:06:57,117 --> 00:06:59,119 then crawls back the way he came. 198 00:06:59,151 --> 00:07:01,288 That is so ingenious. 199 00:07:01,321 --> 00:07:03,290 How does he avoid the video cameras? Yeah. 200 00:07:03,322 --> 00:07:05,725 I beg your pardon. On top of the train. 201 00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,661 He's on a train that doesn't have any cameras. 202 00:07:07,694 --> 00:07:10,329 Oh, no, they all have cameras now -- Big Brother. 203 00:07:10,362 --> 00:07:11,798 I just read an article about it in Rail World, 204 00:07:11,831 --> 00:07:13,399 the magazine in your seat pocket -- 205 00:07:13,432 --> 00:07:14,434 also a great interview with amateur conductor 206 00:07:14,468 --> 00:07:16,136 Valerie Bertinelli. 207 00:07:16,168 --> 00:07:18,639 Well, if that's true, then the murder isn't possible. 208 00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:20,507 And if the ambassador is still alive, 209 00:07:20,540 --> 00:07:23,576 then there's no reason for Silverton to be in Nigeria. 210 00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:26,613 And if that's the case, he's not at the coup, 211 00:07:26,646 --> 00:07:29,348 which means the whole thing doesn't work. 212 00:07:29,382 --> 00:07:31,685 Dear God, I have no book. 213 00:07:31,718 --> 00:07:34,987 Oh. 214 00:07:35,021 --> 00:07:37,990 I have no book! 215 00:07:38,024 --> 00:07:41,829 Now I wish I hadn't circled the typos. 216 00:07:46,233 --> 00:07:47,768 What are you still doing here? Go find him. 217 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:49,269 (sighs) I don't know. 218 00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:50,437 Come on, it's a better love story 219 00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:51,805 than the one you're reading. 220 00:07:51,838 --> 00:07:54,341 You're the beautiful, high-class, smart girl, 221 00:07:54,374 --> 00:07:56,442 and he's the poor boy duct-taping his shoes 222 00:07:56,475 --> 00:07:58,045 with a bunch of hobos in coach. 223 00:07:58,077 --> 00:07:59,478 It's a $20 difference. 224 00:07:59,512 --> 00:08:01,014 Alex, you got this. 225 00:08:01,048 --> 00:08:02,815 Trains make guys crazy. 226 00:08:02,850 --> 00:08:04,151 When were you ever on a train? 227 00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:05,485 In Vegas, 228 00:08:05,519 --> 00:08:06,786 between my plane and the luggage area. 229 00:08:06,819 --> 00:08:09,055 Stuff went down. Fine. I'll go for it. 230 00:08:09,088 --> 00:08:09,956 Oh, wait. 231 00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,858 Nope. 232 00:08:15,562 --> 00:08:18,565 Manny likes hats, doesn't he? 233 00:08:18,598 --> 00:08:20,834 Ooh, someone's still got a crush. 234 00:08:20,867 --> 00:08:22,069 I'm not proud of it. 235 00:08:22,101 --> 00:08:23,502 I tried to get past it. 236 00:08:23,536 --> 00:08:25,004 But, you know, trains. 237 00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:29,709 Well, I think you look cute, and I bet he would, too. 238 00:08:29,742 --> 00:08:31,545 Hey, you pervs. 239 00:08:31,579 --> 00:08:33,413 Let me guess -- shoulders tired from striking out so hard? 240 00:08:33,446 --> 00:08:35,883 It's still early. 241 00:08:35,915 --> 00:08:37,850 Ooh, I see a dime piece over there. 242 00:08:37,884 --> 00:08:39,019 That means she's a 10. 243 00:08:39,052 --> 00:08:40,220 Yeah. I speak d-bag. 244 00:08:40,253 --> 00:08:41,654 Luke, she's a little old. 245 00:08:41,688 --> 00:08:43,255 Hey, Jennifer Lopez is like 90. 246 00:08:43,289 --> 00:08:45,392 Doesn't mean I don't pretend she's my pillow 247 00:08:45,424 --> 00:08:46,393 every now and then. 248 00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:49,495 How does he have prospects? 249 00:08:49,528 --> 00:08:50,697 If it makes you feel any better, 250 00:08:50,730 --> 00:08:52,198 that one's got a big crush on you. 251 00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,370 Manny: I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. 252 00:08:58,404 --> 00:09:00,373 I've always sensed a little heat from Alex. 253 00:09:00,407 --> 00:09:02,375 A woman doesn't compliment a man on his hat 254 00:09:02,408 --> 00:09:04,277 unless she wants to get into his blazer. 255 00:09:06,278 --> 00:09:07,279 Hey. 256 00:09:07,313 --> 00:09:09,548 Peace offering? Thank you. 257 00:09:09,582 --> 00:09:11,051 Look, I'm sorry I told you 258 00:09:11,083 --> 00:09:12,620 that Mom picked me for the toast and not you. 259 00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:14,053 It's just that... I've always had 260 00:09:14,086 --> 00:09:15,623 a special relationship with her. 261 00:09:15,655 --> 00:09:18,225 Sure, like the one between a witch and her flying monkey. 262 00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:20,527 Don't do that. Don't use "The Wizard of Oz" against me. 263 00:09:20,559 --> 00:09:21,729 Mom manipulates you. 264 00:09:21,761 --> 00:09:23,897 She uses you against the rest of us. 265 00:09:23,931 --> 00:09:25,599 I have no idea what you're talking about. 266 00:09:25,633 --> 00:09:27,634 Oh, God, if only I could think of an example. 267 00:09:27,668 --> 00:09:29,269 Oh, wait, here's one of 30. 268 00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:31,639 She blew off Alex's graduation, but she didn't tell us. 269 00:09:31,672 --> 00:09:35,408 She made you do it so we would all dump on you instead of her. 270 00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:37,977 And now she bans me from giving a toast, 271 00:09:38,010 --> 00:09:39,712 and we're fighting about it. 272 00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:41,715 Come on. She's using you like a human shield. 273 00:09:41,749 --> 00:09:43,250 Does that seem like a healthy relationship? 274 00:09:43,283 --> 00:09:44,618 (sighs) 275 00:09:44,652 --> 00:09:45,786 Why don't you give that some thought 276 00:09:45,818 --> 00:09:46,886 while you're getting me a refill? 277 00:09:46,919 --> 00:09:48,221 When did you even drink that? 278 00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:50,222 You've been talking the whole time. 279 00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:52,225 Fine. I don't get anything. 280 00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:53,961 No... Hey, pal. 281 00:09:53,994 --> 00:09:55,962 Before you call your dad, what I was saying about Dede 282 00:09:55,995 --> 00:09:58,665 was me just covering up because I lost 283 00:09:58,698 --> 00:10:01,600 the greatest, most stable person I've ever known. 284 00:10:01,634 --> 00:10:03,169 But you seemed so angry. 285 00:10:03,202 --> 00:10:05,004 It's because I can't get over her. 286 00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:07,640 I've tried everything -- therapy, pills, electricity. 287 00:10:07,674 --> 00:10:09,176 [voice breaking) I'm sorry. It's just that 288 00:10:09,208 --> 00:10:10,644 I miss her so much. 289 00:10:10,677 --> 00:10:12,412 I-I'm gonna see the luckiest man in the world 290 00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:15,347 marry the most wonderful woman in the world, and I have nobody. 291 00:10:15,381 --> 00:10:17,149 Excuse me, sir. 292 00:10:17,183 --> 00:10:18,918 This woman says she's your wife. 293 00:10:18,951 --> 00:10:19,820 Never seen her before. 294 00:10:19,852 --> 00:10:21,354 (shouting in Spanish) 295 00:10:21,388 --> 00:10:24,957 But here's someone I do know -- my son, Mitchell. 296 00:10:24,991 --> 00:10:26,592 Mitchell and Dede are great pals. 297 00:10:26,625 --> 00:10:28,528 Tell these lovely folks about your mother. 298 00:10:28,561 --> 00:10:29,863 She's a scheming dragon woman 299 00:10:29,897 --> 00:10:31,530 hell-bent on destroying everyone around her. 300 00:10:31,563 --> 00:10:33,133 You pick today to realize that?! 301 00:10:33,165 --> 00:10:35,034 You're welcome. I finally got him to see Mom 302 00:10:35,067 --> 00:10:38,706 for who she really is -- a nasty, old nutjob. 303 00:10:38,739 --> 00:10:40,139 But she's someone else's problem now, huh? 304 00:10:40,173 --> 00:10:41,341 Mm-hmm. Wait a minute. You know what? 305 00:10:41,374 --> 00:10:42,475 I don't know these people, either. 306 00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:43,711 Let's go. Excuse me. (sighs) 307 00:10:43,744 --> 00:10:45,345 Pardon us. 308 00:10:45,378 --> 00:10:47,313 Hi. I'm Haley. 309 00:10:47,346 --> 00:10:49,316 Pleasure. I'm a massive fraud. 310 00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:50,850 Sounds like you need a drink. 311 00:10:50,884 --> 00:10:52,284 I'm not sure that's a good idea. 312 00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:53,687 I used to have something of a -- 313 00:10:53,721 --> 00:10:55,722 Oh, come on. I feel weird drinking alone. 314 00:10:55,755 --> 00:10:58,024 I don't. I just wanted him to pay. 315 00:10:58,057 --> 00:11:00,159 The last time I was this bladdered, 316 00:11:00,192 --> 00:11:04,331 I parked my fist right in Salman Rushdie's smug gob. 317 00:11:04,364 --> 00:11:05,698 (chuckles) 318 00:11:05,732 --> 00:11:07,399 Do you know Adele? Oh. 319 00:11:07,433 --> 00:11:11,403 -There he is. -Hey. Just checking in. Hi. 320 00:11:11,437 --> 00:11:13,240 Ooh, celebrating solving your problem? 321 00:11:13,273 --> 00:11:16,342 After 10 years of paralyzing writer's block, 322 00:11:16,375 --> 00:11:17,811 I at last felt that I was drinking 323 00:11:17,845 --> 00:11:20,147 directly from the teat of the muse. 324 00:11:20,179 --> 00:11:22,850 But she was no muse. She was a succubus. 325 00:11:22,883 --> 00:11:24,650 Such a gift for language. 326 00:11:24,683 --> 00:11:27,855 At the next stop, I'm going to burn this book. 327 00:11:27,888 --> 00:11:30,157 That is bad-ass. No! What? 328 00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:33,259 Yes. It will be the last act of my career. 329 00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:36,062 Well, not counting the panel discussion in Portland. 330 00:11:36,096 --> 00:11:37,496 It would be rude to cancel. 331 00:11:37,529 --> 00:11:39,231 There's a wine-and-cheese reception. 332 00:11:39,265 --> 00:11:40,533 You have to finish. 333 00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:43,070 What if we proved it could happen? 334 00:11:43,102 --> 00:11:45,337 Maybe there's another way for the murderer 335 00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:46,874 to get to the caboose and back. 336 00:11:46,907 --> 00:11:48,775 I've filled the train with characters 337 00:11:48,808 --> 00:11:51,378 who cannot know that the engineer has left his post. 338 00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:53,212 (brakes squealing) It's hopeless! 339 00:11:53,245 --> 00:11:54,713 Wait. Did we just stop? 340 00:11:54,748 --> 00:11:55,915 No. I don't think so. No. Mnh-mnh. 341 00:11:55,948 --> 00:11:57,951 (imitates train chugging) 342 00:11:57,985 --> 00:12:00,320 (imitates train whistle blowing) 343 00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:05,392 Look how beautiful California is. 344 00:12:05,424 --> 00:12:07,293 The best part about taking the train, 345 00:12:07,326 --> 00:12:10,798 as I often do for my work with, uh, the children, 346 00:12:10,831 --> 00:12:12,298 has got to be the scenery. 347 00:12:12,331 --> 00:12:14,267 Yeah? What's your favorite spot? 348 00:12:14,301 --> 00:12:17,437 Well, I'd have to say the spot where, uh... 349 00:12:17,470 --> 00:12:19,940 the Rio Grande pours into Lake Superior. 350 00:12:19,972 --> 00:12:22,408 Huh. I don't think I've seen that. 351 00:12:22,442 --> 00:12:24,311 Can you excuse me for just a pinch? 352 00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:26,479 Sure. 353 00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:33,886 What are you doing? 354 00:12:33,921 --> 00:12:36,489 Getting swollen 'cause that's how you close. 355 00:12:36,523 --> 00:12:38,424 (grunts) Oh, by the way, 356 00:12:38,457 --> 00:12:41,161 if you see a tie on our door, Luke's starting to score. 357 00:12:41,193 --> 00:12:44,463 It's a little hard to root for you right now. 358 00:12:44,496 --> 00:12:47,100 So, where were we? 359 00:12:47,134 --> 00:12:49,903 Is this your first time seeing the Central Coast, Big Sur? 360 00:12:49,937 --> 00:12:52,639 No, it's not, little miss. (chuckles) 361 00:12:52,672 --> 00:12:55,774 I can't wait to watch the sunset over the Andes tonight. 362 00:12:55,808 --> 00:12:58,311 Not like my view right now isn't fantastic. 363 00:12:58,345 --> 00:13:00,679 You're cute. (exhales sharply) 364 00:13:00,712 --> 00:13:02,115 You know, if you're into it, 365 00:13:02,149 --> 00:13:04,650 I think I could show you a few things. 366 00:13:04,683 --> 00:13:08,488 (loudly) Uh... it's a little loud in here. 367 00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:10,456 Maybe we should go somewhere more quiet. 368 00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:11,691 Sure. 369 00:13:11,724 --> 00:13:13,360 Really? 370 00:13:13,393 --> 00:13:15,794 Trains. 371 00:13:15,828 --> 00:13:18,530 (indistinct conversations) 372 00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:20,100 You're so serious. (chuckles) 373 00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:21,969 I want to make sure I capture your beauty. 374 00:13:22,001 --> 00:13:23,003 Can I see yet? 375 00:13:23,036 --> 00:13:24,803 I hope you like it. 376 00:13:28,674 --> 00:13:29,976 Oh! 377 00:13:30,009 --> 00:13:31,177 So, he's not an artist. 378 00:13:31,211 --> 00:13:32,980 Who cares? (chuckles) 379 00:13:33,013 --> 00:13:35,182 (up-tempo fiddle music playing) 380 00:13:35,215 --> 00:13:39,119 (loud, indistinct conversations) 381 00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:42,355 People in first class think they have it made 382 00:13:42,389 --> 00:13:43,556 with their early boarding 383 00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:44,691 and their slightly cleaner seats. 384 00:13:47,059 --> 00:13:49,129 But they don't know what living is. 385 00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:51,697 (rhythmic clapping) 386 00:13:58,605 --> 00:14:01,008 I'll take a long line for the bathroom 387 00:14:01,041 --> 00:14:02,841 if that bathroom is in heaven. 388 00:14:02,875 --> 00:14:05,044 (music stops) 389 00:14:05,077 --> 00:14:06,913 I'm so glad you came back here. 390 00:14:06,947 --> 00:14:07,779 Me, too. 391 00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:11,484 This feels weird. 392 00:14:11,518 --> 00:14:13,019 Do you have a compartment? 393 00:14:13,052 --> 00:14:15,488 I do, but how will you get up there? 394 00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:17,957 I'll find a way. I promise. 395 00:14:19,625 --> 00:14:22,929 Oh, by the way, I'm in compartment 18B, 396 00:14:22,962 --> 00:14:25,032 as in, "Boy, are you cute." 397 00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:25,999 (giggles awkwardly) 398 00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:27,866 Idiot. Just keep walking. 399 00:14:27,900 --> 00:14:29,601 Got it. * I have a signal 400 00:14:29,635 --> 00:14:31,504 Oh, good. Guys, guys, guys, come on. 401 00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:34,040 The only signal we need is this. 402 00:14:34,073 --> 00:14:36,076 My kids in the back -- They don't hate Dede. 403 00:14:36,109 --> 00:14:37,911 They're preparing a roast for the wedding. 404 00:14:37,945 --> 00:14:39,511 That's how our family shows love. 405 00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:41,248 You'll get a taste of it at the reception. 406 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:42,548 What are you, Italian? 407 00:14:42,581 --> 00:14:43,883 We'll do a whole thing, 408 00:14:43,917 --> 00:14:45,118 unless you shoot the place up first. 409 00:14:45,152 --> 00:14:46,452 Oh. See? That kind of stuff. 410 00:14:46,485 --> 00:14:48,922 Jay Pritchett, I am going to strangle you! 411 00:14:48,956 --> 00:14:50,557 I don't know why you're pretending 412 00:14:50,590 --> 00:14:52,225 that you don't know me, 413 00:14:52,259 --> 00:14:54,226 but I'm sure it's for some stupid and selfish reason! 414 00:14:54,260 --> 00:14:55,595 She really is your wife? 415 00:14:55,628 --> 00:14:57,063 For now. 416 00:14:57,096 --> 00:14:58,764 Pretty soon, you're gonna be getting on a train 417 00:14:58,798 --> 00:15:00,267 to my next wedding. 418 00:15:00,299 --> 00:15:01,734 You're driving me insane. 419 00:15:01,768 --> 00:15:04,370 Oh, I see what's going on. Don't listen to her. 420 00:15:04,403 --> 00:15:06,538 Dede's not crazy. You are. 421 00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:07,975 Sure. That works. 422 00:15:08,008 --> 00:15:09,308 Who are you? 423 00:15:09,341 --> 00:15:11,910 Oh, I'm Carl. Uh, my father's marrying Dede. 424 00:15:11,945 --> 00:15:14,280 Yes, he is, and let's celebrate. Drinks on me. 425 00:15:14,313 --> 00:15:15,715 (chuckles) What the heck. And, again, I'm sorry 426 00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:17,783 to have worried you guys about Dede. 427 00:15:17,817 --> 00:15:19,318 Oh, please. It's not like Carl's father 428 00:15:19,351 --> 00:15:21,788 is such a prize. (chuckles) (chuckles nervously) 429 00:15:21,821 --> 00:15:23,556 What? He snapped and burned your mom's house down. 430 00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:24,791 (chuckles nervously) She's kidding. 431 00:15:24,823 --> 00:15:26,293 Uh, we're doing a roast, too. 432 00:15:26,326 --> 00:15:28,461 Yeah, right. Your mother was almost a roast. 433 00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:38,904 We needed to prove that the crime was feasible, 434 00:15:38,937 --> 00:15:41,173 so I would play the role of engineer/murderer. 435 00:15:41,207 --> 00:15:43,309 And I would play the role of everyone else. 436 00:15:43,342 --> 00:15:45,845 When my hometown theater's production of "Robin Hood" 437 00:15:45,878 --> 00:15:48,280 was lacking a leading lady, I stepped into the role 438 00:15:48,315 --> 00:15:50,817 of Maid Marian in addition to playing the Friar. 439 00:15:50,850 --> 00:15:52,152 Tuck? Didn't have to. 440 00:15:52,184 --> 00:15:54,020 The costume hid it quite nicely. 441 00:15:58,857 --> 00:16:00,027 Sunday dinner! 442 00:16:00,059 --> 00:16:01,260 What?! 443 00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:02,528 The Turkish ambassador's bodyguard 444 00:16:02,562 --> 00:16:04,431 was instructed to neutralize anyone 445 00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:06,133 who looks suspicious. 446 00:16:06,166 --> 00:16:07,466 Ustten! 447 00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:08,634 What? 448 00:16:08,668 --> 00:16:10,136 It's Turkish for "from the top." 449 00:16:10,169 --> 00:16:11,270 I have a lot of downtime while you're resetting. 450 00:16:11,303 --> 00:16:12,239 Oh. 451 00:16:13,873 --> 00:16:15,174 Woof! 452 00:16:15,207 --> 00:16:16,775 Did you forget Count Maxim du Vernay 453 00:16:16,808 --> 00:16:18,110 brought his service shar-pei? 454 00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:20,812 If I'm being honest, I skimmed that part. 455 00:16:20,846 --> 00:16:23,049 Again! 456 00:16:23,082 --> 00:16:24,317 (knock on door) 457 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:29,155 Hi. You ready for me? 458 00:16:29,188 --> 00:16:31,490 I believe I've Googled everything I need to know. 459 00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:37,063 (exhales sharply) 460 00:16:37,096 --> 00:16:39,399 So, let's get started. 461 00:16:43,269 --> 00:16:45,038 This is California. 462 00:16:45,072 --> 00:16:48,674 Lake Superior is here, all the way across -- 463 00:16:48,707 --> 00:16:50,177 Are you trying to take off my shoe? 464 00:16:50,210 --> 00:16:52,044 I thought you wanted to show me things. 465 00:16:52,078 --> 00:16:53,546 I do. 466 00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:58,717 I'm a geography teacher, and, boy, do you need one. 467 00:16:58,750 --> 00:17:00,019 Are you kidding me? 468 00:17:00,052 --> 00:17:02,822 If her new husband is an arsonist, 469 00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:04,324 you guys have to tell her. 470 00:17:04,356 --> 00:17:06,093 Everybody, calm down. The guy burned down one house. 471 00:17:06,125 --> 00:17:09,028 He's not in jail, so he's got the government's A-okay. 472 00:17:09,061 --> 00:17:10,430 I recently discovered I have some issues with Mom, 473 00:17:10,462 --> 00:17:11,998 but I love her. 474 00:17:12,030 --> 00:17:14,000 I don't want her to wake up in a burning house 475 00:17:14,032 --> 00:17:15,902 just so you don't have to pay alimony. 476 00:17:15,934 --> 00:17:17,369 I love Mom, too... usually. 477 00:17:17,403 --> 00:17:19,172 But if this wedding doesn't happen, 478 00:17:19,205 --> 00:17:21,508 you know where she's gonna end up in 10 years -- 479 00:17:21,540 --> 00:17:24,777 su casa or...my...casa. 480 00:17:24,810 --> 00:17:27,747 Besides, the first wife obviously drove the guy nuts. 481 00:17:27,779 --> 00:17:29,915 How do we know your mother's gonna -- 482 00:17:29,949 --> 00:17:31,451 Oh, geez. 483 00:17:34,753 --> 00:17:36,888 Cindy: Luke, you're such a quick learner. 484 00:17:36,923 --> 00:17:39,425 Luke: Thanks. I had no idea that was there. 485 00:17:41,627 --> 00:17:43,996 (sighs) Alex: Come in. 486 00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:49,067 Is that you? Uh-huh. 487 00:17:49,102 --> 00:17:50,702 I'll be out in a second. 488 00:17:50,737 --> 00:17:53,105 This is so naughty. 489 00:17:53,140 --> 00:17:55,107 I was going to see Alex and let her down easy. 490 00:17:55,142 --> 00:17:57,076 I mean, she's family. It's taboo. 491 00:17:57,109 --> 00:17:58,744 I'm sorry. 492 00:17:58,778 --> 00:18:02,481 I shouldn't be judgy, especially when, you know, trains. 493 00:18:05,251 --> 00:18:08,820 Ooh. Dark. I like it. 494 00:18:08,855 --> 00:18:10,890 (both scream) 495 00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:12,224 I-I was going to let you down! 496 00:18:12,259 --> 00:18:14,260 You sure did! 497 00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:16,996 Well, your hat was garish. 498 00:18:17,028 --> 00:18:18,431 Excuse me. 499 00:18:18,464 --> 00:18:19,965 Have any of you guys seen the guy 500 00:18:19,999 --> 00:18:21,667 I was dancing with earlier? 501 00:18:21,701 --> 00:18:24,770 So, it turns out James got off right after I left him. 502 00:18:24,804 --> 00:18:29,107 On a possibly unrelated note, my wallet is gone. 503 00:18:29,142 --> 00:18:30,143 Trains. 504 00:18:30,176 --> 00:18:32,278 Mr. Hastings, we did it. 505 00:18:32,311 --> 00:18:35,914 We made it to the caboose and back without being seen. 506 00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:37,115 Your book works. 507 00:18:37,150 --> 00:18:38,585 I can't believe it. Are you sure? 508 00:18:38,617 --> 00:18:40,118 Yes! Yes. 509 00:18:40,153 --> 00:18:41,453 It's a combination of slithering, clever disguise, 510 00:18:41,488 --> 00:18:42,954 and not to write the book for you, 511 00:18:42,989 --> 00:18:44,656 but it would help if the Count had a wooden hand. 512 00:18:44,691 --> 00:18:46,925 Well, I was sort of in that area anyway. 513 00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:48,126 A thousand thank-yous. 514 00:18:48,161 --> 00:18:50,297 (chuckles) Silverton lives! 515 00:18:50,329 --> 00:18:52,832 (laughs) Yay! 516 00:18:52,865 --> 00:18:55,167 Hi. Oh, you guys are doing that book thing, right? 517 00:18:55,201 --> 00:18:57,503 Yeah. Well, I don't know if this helps at all, 518 00:18:57,537 --> 00:18:59,038 but I was just talking to the engineer. 519 00:18:59,070 --> 00:19:00,640 It turns out he can't leave the controls 520 00:19:00,673 --> 00:19:02,342 because of what's called a dead man's switch. 521 00:19:02,375 --> 00:19:05,811 If he takes his foot off of it, the whole train stops. 522 00:19:05,845 --> 00:19:07,314 Anyway, you're welcome. 523 00:19:12,585 --> 00:19:16,021 If the engineer can't leave the controls, then... 524 00:19:16,055 --> 00:19:18,525 He can't commit the murder. It's over. 525 00:19:18,557 --> 00:19:20,660 Hastings, we are so sorry. 526 00:19:20,692 --> 00:19:23,796 (groans) It's time to rid myself 527 00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:25,865 of this 500-hundred page stain. 528 00:19:25,897 --> 00:19:27,299 Wait! No! No, no, no, no! 529 00:19:27,334 --> 00:19:28,701 Open, damn you! No, no! 530 00:19:28,734 --> 00:19:30,001 Wait! Wait! 531 00:19:30,036 --> 00:19:31,471 Is that the back of the train? 532 00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:33,172 (train whistle blows) 533 00:19:33,205 --> 00:19:36,008 Yep. This is the famous horseshoe turn. 534 00:19:36,041 --> 00:19:38,244 Only two of them in the continental United States, 535 00:19:38,278 --> 00:19:40,346 one of which is here in California, 536 00:19:40,380 --> 00:19:41,847 which is in North America. 537 00:19:41,881 --> 00:19:45,050 Sadly, I know all of this now. That's it. 538 00:19:45,084 --> 00:19:47,319 The engineer -- He never has to leave the controls. 539 00:19:47,354 --> 00:19:49,154 He waits for the horseshoe turn. 540 00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:52,358 Then he plugs the Earl in the caboose. I heard it. 541 00:19:52,392 --> 00:19:54,192 This is brilliant! 542 00:19:54,227 --> 00:19:57,697 I can't believe you two clowns have saved my book. 543 00:19:57,730 --> 00:19:59,832 Actually, it's just one clown. 544 00:19:59,865 --> 00:20:02,402 One magician. 545 00:20:02,434 --> 00:20:04,036 (tablet dings) Hey, Mom! Hi! Hi, Mom! 546 00:20:04,069 --> 00:20:06,538 Well, hello, original family. 547 00:20:06,573 --> 00:20:08,207 Dede, we have something we have to tell you. 548 00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:10,108 Now, I know there's a delicate way to say this. 549 00:20:10,142 --> 00:20:11,911 Just can't think of it. 550 00:20:11,943 --> 00:20:14,046 Your fiancé's a pyro. 551 00:20:14,079 --> 00:20:16,182 He burnt down his ex-wife's house. 552 00:20:16,214 --> 00:20:20,086 It's just like you three to try to ruin my big day. 553 00:20:20,118 --> 00:20:21,921 Mom, we just thought you should know. 554 00:20:21,953 --> 00:20:23,390 Jerry told me everything. 555 00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:25,223 Trust me. She had it coming. 556 00:20:25,258 --> 00:20:26,593 The woman's "cah-razy." 557 00:20:26,625 --> 00:20:28,560 So, you're okay he's a firebug? 558 00:20:28,595 --> 00:20:30,430 He's passionate, Jay. 559 00:20:30,462 --> 00:20:33,900 He knows how to express his feelings, unlike you. 560 00:20:33,932 --> 00:20:35,934 Maybe if you had burned our house down, 561 00:20:35,968 --> 00:20:37,569 we'd still be together. 562 00:20:37,604 --> 00:20:39,204 My mistake. You're right, Dede. 563 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,807 Great, Mom. See you at the wedding. Bye. 564 00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:43,875 Claire, you're not mad at me 565 00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:45,545 about your seating arrangements? Why? Where am I sitting? 566 00:20:45,577 --> 00:20:47,814 Mitchell, tell her. Got to run. 567 00:20:47,846 --> 00:20:49,115 (tablet beeps) 568 00:20:49,147 --> 00:20:51,284 You're not sitting at the family table. 569 00:20:51,317 --> 00:20:52,818 Hello! 570 00:20:57,624 --> 00:20:58,958 Phil sent me his Silverton fan fiction, 571 00:20:58,990 --> 00:21:00,992 "Open House, Closed Casket." 572 00:21:01,027 --> 00:21:03,095 "He looked up at the pristine crown molding 573 00:21:03,128 --> 00:21:04,896 in the great room and felt the breeze 574 00:21:04,931 --> 00:21:07,098 of the recently updated central air. 575 00:21:07,133 --> 00:21:10,603 'Mrs. Coruthers, just as this desirable corner lot 576 00:21:10,636 --> 00:21:14,673 was split in half, so, too, is Mr. Coruthers.' 577 00:21:14,707 --> 00:21:16,675 The widow gasped and steadied herself 578 00:21:16,709 --> 00:21:19,244 on the granite kitchen island, a fitting metaphor 579 00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:21,948 for how alone she felt, despite being walking distance 580 00:21:21,980 --> 00:21:25,785 to a vibrant shopping district and wonderful schools." 581 00:21:25,817 --> 00:21:27,987 I've been avoiding him for the last two weeks. 582 00:21:28,019 --> 00:21:30,990 (telephone rings) Don't answer that!