1 00:00:01,169 --> 00:00:03,504 Can I have that dropped at the gift table for you? 2 00:00:03,537 --> 00:00:05,806 Ah, I think I'll hang onto this. This is a special gift. 3 00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:08,876 It's a wine fridge -- 36 bottles, stainless steel, 4 00:00:08,909 --> 00:00:10,978 dual temp zones for your whites, your reds. 5 00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:13,314 She doesn't care. Okay. And neither did the priest. 6 00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:14,648 Father O'GodHe'sHot. 7 00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:16,650 -I know. Those lips, right? -Hey, hey, hey. 8 00:00:16,684 --> 00:00:18,486 Is that appropriate? -Appropriate? 9 00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:19,687 You never carried us around as proudly 10 00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:21,155 as you're carrying around that thing. 11 00:00:21,189 --> 00:00:24,658 30 years ago, I didn't do your Aunt Becky's closets for free. 12 00:00:24,692 --> 00:00:27,361 The whole family got together and decided I was cheap -- 13 00:00:27,395 --> 00:00:28,829 called me "High Pockets." 14 00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:30,731 Well, we'll see what her boy Brian says 15 00:00:30,764 --> 00:00:33,367 when he opens what Esquire Magazine called 16 00:00:33,401 --> 00:00:36,237 "the last under-counter wine fridge you'll ever need." 17 00:00:36,270 --> 00:00:37,238 Wow. 18 00:00:37,271 --> 00:00:39,740 High Pockets. 19 00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:41,509 Can we just find the bar? 20 00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:42,843 How funny would it be if I said no? 21 00:00:44,412 --> 00:00:45,846 Mother of...us. 22 00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:47,081 Mom! What is she doing here? 23 00:00:47,115 --> 00:00:48,882 She's not even related to these people! 24 00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:50,184 Oh, my God. 25 00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:52,353 You, me, Mom, Dad, alone. 26 00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:54,188 Without Gloria to absorb the hate. 27 00:00:54,222 --> 00:00:56,390 Okay, why am I scared? I'm feeling scared. 28 00:00:56,424 --> 00:00:58,559 Because you are flashing back to every family event 29 00:00:58,592 --> 00:01:00,528 that ended with Dad whisper-screaming at Mom, 30 00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:02,896 "Would you calm down?" while she would swing her pocketbook 31 00:01:02,930 --> 00:01:05,866 around until it burst open like a pill-packed piñata. 32 00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:08,902 Oh, God. I-I don't want to be the make-a-scene family. Again. 33 00:01:08,936 --> 00:01:11,539 Well, Dad's not leaving until they award him CNN Hero 34 00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:12,773 for bringing the wine fridge, 35 00:01:12,806 --> 00:01:14,242 so maybe we just each take a parent 36 00:01:14,275 --> 00:01:16,210 and try and keep them apart as much as possible? 37 00:01:16,244 --> 00:01:18,779 Probably our best shot at an uneventful day. 38 00:01:18,812 --> 00:01:21,215 But can we please not fight over who has to care of -- 39 00:01:21,249 --> 00:01:23,451 Mom! 40 00:01:23,484 --> 00:01:24,452 -Mitchell! -Hey! 41 00:01:24,485 --> 00:01:25,719 Hi. 42 00:01:25,753 --> 00:01:29,557 Oh, it's so good to see you, honey. Mm! 43 00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:33,327 -- Captions by VITA -- 44 00:01:43,271 --> 00:01:45,439 Hey. I got us a campus map, and look at this -- 45 00:01:45,473 --> 00:01:47,908 My old college frat has a chapter here! 46 00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:49,610 By legacy rights, I'm entitled 47 00:01:49,643 --> 00:01:52,079 to use the main-floor bathroom and sign out a Frisbee. 48 00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:53,414 Cool. 49 00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:55,249 Wow, you're really giving those bands a workout. 50 00:01:55,283 --> 00:01:57,585 Oh, just burning off some nervous energy. 51 00:01:57,618 --> 00:02:00,087 They don't ask questions on a college tour, right? 52 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:03,491 Luke and I, Gloria, and Manny are going on a college tour! 53 00:02:03,524 --> 00:02:06,627 Safety school for Manny, long shot for Luke, 54 00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:08,829 which hasn't been great for his self-esteem. 55 00:02:08,862 --> 00:02:10,264 Luckily, as a former cheerleader, 56 00:02:10,298 --> 00:02:13,100 I haven't lost my gift for lifting spirits. 57 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:16,270 Though I can no longer make an N with my body. 58 00:02:16,304 --> 00:02:18,005 Wow. 59 00:02:18,038 --> 00:02:19,307 This is a great workout. 60 00:02:19,340 --> 00:02:20,608 Ow! No! 61 00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:22,109 Sorry, sorry! Guys, come look! 62 00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:24,178 I did something very bad. 63 00:02:27,181 --> 00:02:29,517 Manny is taking a nap, 64 00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:31,952 so I put a pig-a-let in the bed! 65 00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:32,986 Oh, my God. 66 00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:34,121 Where'd you get that? 67 00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:36,957 You remember those farmers that we met? 68 00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:40,294 You'll be surprised what they'll do for a couple of big tips. 69 00:02:40,328 --> 00:02:42,496 What did you hear? 70 00:02:43,897 --> 00:02:45,833 Aah! Whoa! What is that?! 71 00:02:45,866 --> 00:02:47,635 It's a pig-a-let! 72 00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:49,803 Man, you should see your face! 73 00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:52,172 Ohh, it licked my face! Why would you do this? 74 00:02:52,206 --> 00:02:54,508 Aye, Manny, don't be so uptight! 75 00:02:54,542 --> 00:02:56,477 I'm preparing you for college 76 00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:59,146 so that you fit in and make some friends. 77 00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:01,982 I took the idea from watching "The Animal House," 78 00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:03,684 "The Old School" movie... 79 00:03:03,717 --> 00:03:06,654 College is about higher education, not pranks. 80 00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:08,389 Nerd! 81 00:03:08,422 --> 00:03:11,225 -There she is! -Hey, lady. 82 00:03:11,259 --> 00:03:12,826 Yeah, I can't give you free stuff. 83 00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:14,662 -Let's go. -Okay, take care. 84 00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:16,330 Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 85 00:03:16,364 --> 00:03:18,699 Oh, my gosh. It's her. 86 00:03:18,732 --> 00:03:20,334 Who? 87 00:03:20,368 --> 00:03:21,735 The blonde over there in the cute jacket and fab shoes. 88 00:03:21,769 --> 00:03:24,738 If that's who I think it is, we hate her so hard. 89 00:03:24,772 --> 00:03:28,008 Last night, I was robbed. That's right. 90 00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:30,411 There I was at Lily's dance recital, 91 00:03:30,444 --> 00:03:31,845 breathlessly anticipating 92 00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:34,214 my baby's first-ever ballet solo. 93 00:03:34,248 --> 00:03:35,683 Okay, here it comes. 94 00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:38,852 This moment is worth every cent of the $2,000 in lessons. 95 00:03:38,886 --> 00:03:40,254 What? 96 00:03:40,288 --> 00:03:42,356 Oh, my gosh. I can't see. 97 00:03:42,390 --> 00:03:44,091 Didn't they say no filming? 98 00:03:44,124 --> 00:03:45,726 Excuse me. Miss? 99 00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:47,094 Did you just see that? 100 00:03:47,127 --> 00:03:48,696 That horrid woman robbed me 101 00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:50,097 of my proud daddy moment 102 00:03:50,130 --> 00:03:52,366 and forced me to lie to my daughter. 103 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:55,068 "You danced beautifully, Lily!" But did she? 104 00:03:55,102 --> 00:03:56,570 I have no idea! 105 00:03:56,604 --> 00:03:58,205 Why didn't you smack her down last night? 106 00:03:58,238 --> 00:03:59,407 With words, obviously. 107 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:01,041 Wait, can gays smack women? 108 00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:02,443 No. 109 00:04:02,476 --> 00:04:03,744 No! You know what, 110 00:04:03,777 --> 00:04:05,045 I would have cussed her out last night, 111 00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:06,280 except the selfish hag left the moment 112 00:04:06,314 --> 00:04:07,781 her daughter's dance was over. 113 00:04:07,815 --> 00:04:10,551 I hope there's no rule in here about causing a commotion. 114 00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:11,752 I mean, we didn't really feel the need 115 00:04:11,785 --> 00:04:14,622 to put it up on a sign because, you know, civilization. 116 00:04:14,655 --> 00:04:16,890 Well, I answer to a higher law. 117 00:04:16,924 --> 00:04:18,892 Hey! Get back here! You don't even know it's her. 118 00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:20,294 You're basing this off of the back of the head 119 00:04:20,328 --> 00:04:21,495 of someone you saw in the dark. 120 00:04:21,529 --> 00:04:23,731 That may be how you recognize your old boyfriends, but... 121 00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:25,265 Excuse me. 122 00:04:25,299 --> 00:04:27,100 As much as I admire that and do intend on using it 123 00:04:27,134 --> 00:04:30,971 on Mitchell without giving you any credit, there is a line. 124 00:04:31,004 --> 00:04:35,242 So, Mom, I didn't know that you would be, uh, be here. 125 00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:38,245 Oh, well, I wasn't planning on it -- 126 00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:40,414 I haven't seen these people since the divorce -- 127 00:04:40,448 --> 00:04:42,916 Yeah. But then my new hubby had to work, 128 00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:45,085 and I thought -- "Write a new story, Dede." 129 00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:46,086 Yeah! 130 00:04:47,154 --> 00:04:48,288 So, are you here alone, or...? 131 00:04:48,322 --> 00:04:50,758 You look great! This dress is beautiful! 132 00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:52,326 Oh, thank you. 133 00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:54,628 I found it in the trunk of a car I bought. 134 00:04:55,329 --> 00:04:56,597 Oh. One second, Mom. 135 00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:58,131 Oh, this is Cam texting. 136 00:04:58,165 --> 00:05:00,100 The picture of the back of someone's head 137 00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:02,436 and the words, "Is this her?" 138 00:05:02,470 --> 00:05:05,473 No idea what you are talking about. 139 00:05:05,506 --> 00:05:07,441 Kissy face. 140 00:05:07,475 --> 00:05:09,510 Oh! 141 00:05:09,543 --> 00:05:11,612 Excuse me. Can we get a pic? 142 00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:12,780 Honey! -Oh. 143 00:05:12,813 --> 00:05:15,449 --Dad, that's sweet. 144 00:05:15,483 --> 00:05:16,650 Really? 145 00:05:16,684 --> 00:05:18,118 If we get separated, there's a record. 146 00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:19,152 Oh, God. 147 00:05:19,186 --> 00:05:20,287 Hey, don't be mad. 148 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:21,121 Are you kidding? 149 00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:22,289 She vanished, okay? 150 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:24,191 Those shoes she makes are soundless. 151 00:05:24,224 --> 00:05:26,960 Oh, there you are! 152 00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:28,496 Oh! Mwah! 153 00:05:28,529 --> 00:05:30,297 -Okay. -Oh, well, 154 00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:32,165 if it isn't my first family. 155 00:05:32,199 --> 00:05:33,667 What a surprise, huh? 156 00:05:33,701 --> 00:05:36,136 Yeah! I guess Brian invited me 157 00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:37,971 because of that summer we took him in. 158 00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:41,174 Remember when I caught you trying on Brian's underpants? 159 00:05:41,208 --> 00:05:43,811 No, what even -- Mom! 160 00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:45,546 Oh, is it just the four of us? Yeah! 161 00:05:45,579 --> 00:05:47,981 Yes, and where are you sitting, Mom? 162 00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:49,349 I can walk you back to your table. 163 00:05:49,383 --> 00:05:51,819 In a minute. I'd like to visit a little. 164 00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:54,054 I don't even know anyone at my table. 165 00:05:58,692 --> 00:05:59,660 Well, Gloria's not here. 166 00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:01,662 Oh, thank you, Jay. 167 00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:03,030 Here. Let me, uh... 168 00:06:03,063 --> 00:06:03,831 -Well, this is fun. -Mm-hmm. 169 00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:05,566 -The band's back together. -Yeah. 170 00:06:05,599 --> 00:06:07,000 Would anyone care for some champagne? 171 00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:08,335 -Oh, yeah. -I'd love some. 172 00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:10,337 -Oh, you bet. Yeah. -Thank you. 173 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:11,539 I'll just take the tray. 174 00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:18,345 Admission has gotten tougher. 175 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:21,014 Only about 4 out of 10 applicants get accepted. 176 00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:22,215 Ugh. 177 00:06:22,249 --> 00:06:24,017 You've beaten worse odds than that. 178 00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:26,353 We forgot to get you vaccinated till you were 6. 179 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:28,856 The university boasts many noted graduates -- 180 00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:31,024 research scientists, journalists, 181 00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:32,760 and one pretty well-known playwright. 182 00:06:32,793 --> 00:06:34,728 Wow. "Pretty well-known?" 183 00:06:34,762 --> 00:06:36,363 Imagine how many cookies they could have sold 184 00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:38,432 if they called them "Pretty Well-Known Amos's." 185 00:06:38,466 --> 00:06:39,433 Oh! 186 00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:42,202 I tied your shoelaces together. 187 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:43,737 Mom, what's going on with you? 188 00:06:43,771 --> 00:06:45,205 I am preparing you. 189 00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:48,208 If you can't laugh at yourself, then you'll become a target. 190 00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:49,943 College crazy time, man! 191 00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:53,380 Excuse me, Steffi? 192 00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:54,748 My son Tim here developed a finance app 193 00:06:54,782 --> 00:06:57,050 that caught the eye of some folks at JP Morgan, 194 00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:59,386 so he'll need to keep that going along with school. 195 00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:00,554 No problem. 196 00:07:00,588 --> 00:07:02,456 Many students work while taking class. 197 00:07:02,490 --> 00:07:04,391 -Excuse me, Steffi? -What are you doing? 198 00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:07,260 My son Lucas here is a recognized amateur trampolinist. 199 00:07:07,294 --> 00:07:08,729 Dad! 200 00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:10,564 I'm assuming you guys have a training facility 201 00:07:10,598 --> 00:07:15,068 so he can continue his pursuits in the applied bouncing arts? 202 00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:16,570 I'm not sure I'm understanding... 203 00:07:16,604 --> 00:07:17,638 You guys have a trampoline? 204 00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:19,607 I think there's a small one in the daycare center. 205 00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:21,475 There are no small trampolines, only -- 206 00:07:21,509 --> 00:07:22,643 You know what? We can move on. 207 00:07:22,676 --> 00:07:24,945 Everybody, this way! 208 00:07:24,978 --> 00:07:27,748 Just go ask her if she was at the recital, 209 00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:28,982 and then tell her off if she says yes. 210 00:07:29,016 --> 00:07:30,584 No, I can't, because if it's her, 211 00:07:30,618 --> 00:07:32,620 she'll sense confrontation coming and deny it. 212 00:07:32,653 --> 00:07:34,822 People can always tell when I'm in attack mode. 213 00:07:34,855 --> 00:07:36,657 Mm, flared nostrils? No. 214 00:07:36,690 --> 00:07:38,425 -Vein in your forehead? -Blotchy neck? 215 00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:39,993 No! You know what, 216 00:07:40,027 --> 00:07:42,763 and just a head's up, you both are turning into your mother. 217 00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:45,098 Okay. Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. 218 00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:46,767 New plan. 219 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,602 What -- What are you doing? 220 00:07:48,636 --> 00:07:51,171 Well, if there's video of Lily's recital on her iPad, 221 00:07:51,204 --> 00:07:52,439 then I know it's for sure her, 222 00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:53,841 and plus, I can e-mail it to myself 223 00:07:53,874 --> 00:07:55,108 and have a proper viewing party. 224 00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:56,944 Ooh, I've got a thing. Yeah, I'll probably be working. 225 00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:58,445 I haven't even set a date yet. 226 00:07:58,478 --> 00:07:59,513 Okay, there's a passcode. 227 00:07:59,547 --> 00:08:01,882 Well, of course there's a passcode. Give me that. 228 00:08:01,915 --> 00:08:04,484 All right, well, she ordered a powdered doughnut, so... 229 00:08:04,518 --> 00:08:05,619 All right. 230 00:08:05,653 --> 00:08:07,287 Chalky fingerprints on the 8, the 5, the 3, and the 1. 231 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,122 Your passcode is some combination of those four. 232 00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:10,290 Oh, my God. You're brilliant. 233 00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:12,292 Last year, I was doing differential topography 234 00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:13,794 at Cal Tech, and now I sketch leaves 235 00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:16,163 in milk foam for adult skateboarders. 236 00:08:16,196 --> 00:08:17,665 I need something more. 237 00:08:17,698 --> 00:08:18,799 She's coming back. -What?! 238 00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:21,468 She's coming back. 239 00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:24,137 Hey! 240 00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:26,339 I left my iPad on the table, and somebody took it. 241 00:08:26,373 --> 00:08:28,375 Oh, gosh! I didn't -- 242 00:08:28,408 --> 00:08:30,377 Didn't what? Do your job? 243 00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:32,345 It's not like you're so busy you don't have time to -- 244 00:08:32,379 --> 00:08:34,481 Excuse me. I couldn't help overhearing. 245 00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,984 Um, are you talking about that iPad in that bag there? 246 00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:39,519 -Oh, God. -'Cause there's an iPad there. 247 00:08:39,553 --> 00:08:40,721 - What a ditz. 248 00:08:40,754 --> 00:08:43,490 Ugh, I guess I'm just nervous for this stupid blind date 249 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:44,758 I never should have agreed to. 250 00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:47,327 Oh, no. 251 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,029 You're not Richard, are you? 252 00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:52,165 Uh, yes. I-I am Richard. I'm your blind date. 253 00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:53,333 You're, uh, Ana. 254 00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:55,703 Oh! Am I the worst person ever? 255 00:08:55,736 --> 00:08:57,504 Well, that's what we're here to find out. 256 00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:59,840 Kidding! Please sit! 257 00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:01,775 I hope that is her. She's gross. 258 00:09:01,809 --> 00:09:02,710 I want him to yell at her. 259 00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:04,544 -Yeah. -Excuse me. 260 00:09:04,578 --> 00:09:06,413 Um, I'm here for a blind date, 261 00:09:06,446 --> 00:09:08,081 and my friend didn't even give me a picture. 262 00:09:08,115 --> 00:09:09,516 I just know the woman's name. 263 00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:11,384 Any chance you served an Ana? 264 00:09:11,418 --> 00:09:14,688 Oh! Well, this is crazy. 265 00:09:14,722 --> 00:09:16,690 Ana, say hello to, uh... 266 00:09:16,724 --> 00:09:17,858 -Richard. -Yeah. 267 00:09:19,727 --> 00:09:20,894 Um, sorry, I don't mean to be forward, 268 00:09:20,928 --> 00:09:24,031 but Vanessa kind of undersold how attractive you are. 269 00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:26,734 Wowza. 270 00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:29,369 The things I've done because people tell me I'm pretty, 271 00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:31,238 you'd almost think I wasn't pretty. 272 00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:35,542 So, 1986, we were just coming back 273 00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:37,210 from my sister Bebe's wedding 274 00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:40,380 when I first had my dream about murdering you. 275 00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:42,449 No! Mitchell has a funny story 276 00:09:42,482 --> 00:09:46,119 that doesn't open old wounds about Cam at a dance recital. 277 00:09:46,153 --> 00:09:48,221 He got so mad, didn't he, Mitchell? 278 00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:49,056 Tell them! 279 00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:50,791 So mad. 280 00:09:50,824 --> 00:09:53,093 That wasn't '86. That was '87. 281 00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:54,762 The reason we were late was because of that damn 282 00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:56,730 Hands Across America that you made me do. 283 00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:58,766 Hands was '86, 284 00:09:58,799 --> 00:10:00,400 and you thanked me afterwards 285 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:02,435 because you got to hold hands with someone 286 00:10:02,469 --> 00:10:04,304 that was holding hands with Willie Nelson. 287 00:10:04,337 --> 00:10:06,306 What the hell was that whole thing about, anyway? Hunger? 288 00:10:06,339 --> 00:10:08,308 Hand somebody a sandwich in San Francisco 289 00:10:08,341 --> 00:10:09,643 and you pass it on down the line 290 00:10:09,677 --> 00:10:11,912 till some bum gets ahold of it in Boston? 291 00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:13,580 Hunger, yeah. Definitely. 292 00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:15,582 Um, Mitchell is on a diet, speaking of hunger. 293 00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:16,650 What can you eat now? 294 00:10:16,684 --> 00:10:20,087 Uh...less. 295 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:23,123 Sweetie, I see what you're doing, 296 00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:27,094 but this whole controlling thing -- It's challenging. 297 00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:28,328 Works good in the office, 298 00:10:28,361 --> 00:10:30,998 but sometimes she's as tight as a camel's ass in a sandstorm. 299 00:10:31,031 --> 00:10:32,632 Ooh, this seems aggressive. 300 00:10:32,666 --> 00:10:34,134 I'm just gonna -- 301 00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:36,169 May I be excused to go to the bathroom? 302 00:10:36,203 --> 00:10:38,806 Yeah. Me, too. Be right back. 303 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,509 Hey! You do not get to do this. 304 00:10:42,542 --> 00:10:43,944 You do not get to shut down on me 305 00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:45,112 like you did when we were kids. 306 00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:47,314 I am not gonna sit here taking the heat 307 00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:49,950 while you go hide in your room blasting Pat Benatar. 308 00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:51,518 Why are we even all sitting together? 309 00:10:51,551 --> 00:10:53,320 This is my plan. You're gonna come up with a reason 310 00:10:53,353 --> 00:10:55,288 to take Mom back to her table. 311 00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:56,857 Maybe you want to unload some gay stuff 312 00:10:56,890 --> 00:10:57,991 you don't want Dad to hear? 313 00:10:58,025 --> 00:10:59,459 You're lovely. 314 00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:02,029 But my dream analyst helped me realize 315 00:11:02,062 --> 00:11:04,331 that I never wanted to murder you. 316 00:11:04,364 --> 00:11:07,835 I wanted to murder the part of myself that was so angry. 317 00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:10,303 You were angry because I was an inconsiderate blow-hard. 318 00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:11,638 Oh, don't do that. 319 00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:14,674 We had plenty of good times, didn't we, Sarge? 320 00:11:14,708 --> 00:11:15,675 You bet we did, Pea. 321 00:11:15,709 --> 00:11:17,177 Oh! 322 00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:20,347 What fresh hell is this? 323 00:11:20,380 --> 00:11:24,151 We'll end our tour here at our iconic bell tower. 324 00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:25,652 See you all at tonight's mixer! 325 00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:28,155 Hey. Before we go back, you want to do something fun? 326 00:11:28,188 --> 00:11:30,690 Follow me. 327 00:11:30,724 --> 00:11:32,860 Check it out! -A bell? 328 00:11:32,893 --> 00:11:34,561 Not just a bell. 329 00:11:34,594 --> 00:11:36,997 A series of bells fed into an ingenious instrument 330 00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:38,999 known as a carillon. 331 00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:41,168 I monkied around with one back in the day. 332 00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:43,336 A cutie named Gretchen took me up to her belfry 333 00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:44,504 and showed me some moves, 334 00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:46,173 which I now realize sounds sexual. 335 00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:48,208 Not really. You talk like this a lot. 336 00:11:48,241 --> 00:11:50,043 The point is, Gretchen got a full ride 337 00:11:50,077 --> 00:11:52,179 treading bells like these. Wow, that's high. 338 00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:54,347 Maybe you could, too. 339 00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:56,216 Get you into a class on... 340 00:11:56,249 --> 00:11:59,552 What? I'm gonna learn all this in three months? 341 00:11:59,586 --> 00:12:00,687 You're a quick study! 342 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:01,955 Look at how fast you learned magic. 343 00:12:01,989 --> 00:12:04,391 I got a home movie of you pulling an impossibly long chain 344 00:12:04,424 --> 00:12:05,859 of baby wipes out of your diaper. 345 00:12:05,893 --> 00:12:07,861 Okay, I was 5 in a diaper. 346 00:12:07,895 --> 00:12:09,429 That's not really a sign of a quick learner. 347 00:12:10,898 --> 00:12:12,732 I believe you can do anything you put your mind to. 348 00:12:12,766 --> 00:12:13,867 Why? 349 00:12:13,901 --> 00:12:15,602 Oh! Shoot! 350 00:12:15,635 --> 00:12:17,270 I guess it's all computerized now. 351 00:12:17,304 --> 00:12:18,605 Who cares? 352 00:12:18,638 --> 00:12:20,540 God, I hate it when you do this. 353 00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:22,709 Do what? You look mad. Are you mad? 354 00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:28,281 ...and I keep telling you, 355 00:12:28,315 --> 00:12:29,549 but it's like you're not hearing me! 356 00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:31,718 I'm not. Wait, don't talk yet. 357 00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:35,422 Go now, quick! 358 00:12:35,455 --> 00:12:36,723 Stop acting like I'm someone I'm not! 359 00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:38,391 Stop telling me how great I am when it's not true! 360 00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:39,893 Don't you see how much pressure that is?! 361 00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:41,428 Luke, don't you walk away from -- 362 00:12:42,930 --> 00:12:43,797 ...me! 363 00:12:43,831 --> 00:12:45,833 I'm your -- 364 00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:51,238 How are you 36? 365 00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:52,906 I just can't get over how young you look. 366 00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:54,908 The trick is to not smile too hard. 367 00:12:54,942 --> 00:12:56,576 You're funny. 368 00:12:57,945 --> 00:12:59,980 I did not expect that from a seismologist. 369 00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:01,849 Which, by the way, how did you get into that? 370 00:13:01,882 --> 00:13:05,752 Oh, um, it's just always come easy for me. 371 00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:07,787 You know? I look at people 372 00:13:07,821 --> 00:13:09,256 and I just instinctively know their size. 373 00:13:09,289 --> 00:13:11,324 People are like, "Oh, I'm a 4," 374 00:13:11,358 --> 00:13:13,260 and I'm like, "Who you foolin', girl? You a 10." 375 00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:15,428 Ma'am, here is that napkin you asked for. 376 00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:17,097 Oh, thanks. Ha ha. Fooled you. 377 00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:19,166 I was just joking about clothing stuff. 378 00:13:19,199 --> 00:13:23,503 The real reason why I got into studying earthquakes 379 00:13:23,536 --> 00:13:25,939 is because I love nature. 380 00:13:25,973 --> 00:13:27,474 I guess that would explain the ornithology interest, too, huh? 381 00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:30,777 Miss, could I have another... 382 00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:32,812 Um, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 383 00:13:32,846 --> 00:13:36,449 Angels have always been cool, 384 00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:40,320 but n as cool as birds! 385 00:13:40,353 --> 00:13:42,289 I love birds! 386 00:13:42,322 --> 00:13:43,523 I mean, I love my mother, I do, 387 00:13:43,556 --> 00:13:46,693 but it's like her needs come before everyone else's. 388 00:13:46,726 --> 00:13:47,861 You know that kind of person? 389 00:13:47,895 --> 00:13:49,629 I think I do, yeah. 390 00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:51,298 Wait, why was I talking about her? 391 00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:52,665 I don't know. The question was 392 00:13:52,699 --> 00:13:53,800 "What did you do last night?" 393 00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,135 And the question stands. 394 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,636 Oh! 395 00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:58,638 Sorry. 396 00:13:59,873 --> 00:14:01,374 Ex-husband. 397 00:14:01,408 --> 00:14:03,310 Honestly, it's like he can't be with my son 398 00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:04,844 for more than three hours 399 00:14:04,878 --> 00:14:06,846 without texting me some inane question. 400 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:08,515 Oh -- Oh, you have a son? 401 00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:12,519 Love of my life. 402 00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:16,156 He took the divorce pretty hard. 403 00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:19,159 He's...different, you know? 404 00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:22,729 He's really -- He's creative and sensitive, 405 00:14:22,762 --> 00:14:27,667 and he gets picked on a lot at school. 406 00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:30,703 You know, it's like, thank God for his dance class. 407 00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:33,206 I feel like it's the only place 408 00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,042 that I see, like, real joy on his face. 409 00:14:36,910 --> 00:14:38,912 I knew it. You're the worst! 410 00:14:38,946 --> 00:14:40,180 Excuse me? 411 00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:41,848 I'm not Richard, you fool. 412 00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,850 I'm the father you and your giant iPad 413 00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:46,086 robbed of his daughter's first ballet solo. 414 00:14:46,119 --> 00:14:47,854 I hope whatever reason you had 415 00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:51,258 to prioritize your child over mine was a good one, 416 00:14:51,291 --> 00:14:53,060 and now that I hear it, it's pretty close, 417 00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:55,528 I have to admit, but still. 418 00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:56,930 Wow! 419 00:14:56,964 --> 00:14:58,431 You're a maniac, 420 00:14:58,465 --> 00:15:00,033 but I'm grateful 421 00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:03,236 because this has been one of the most abysmal dates 422 00:15:03,270 --> 00:15:04,737 I have ever been on. Oh! 423 00:15:04,771 --> 00:15:06,906 People think that cats are standoffish, 424 00:15:06,940 --> 00:15:07,907 but my guy, when I come home -- 425 00:15:07,941 --> 00:15:09,609 Okay, I've got to stop you right there. 426 00:15:09,642 --> 00:15:12,212 I'm not Ana, and this isn't happening. 427 00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,714 I had a feeling. 428 00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:16,383 Can I at least take a picture with you 429 00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:18,051 so I can tell other women we dated? 430 00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:19,386 What?! No! 431 00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:20,720 You're right. 432 00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:22,389 It's just that you're so pretty. 433 00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:25,458 All right, get in here. 434 00:15:25,492 --> 00:15:26,926 Ma'am? 435 00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:28,228 Manny, come on. 436 00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:29,929 We're going to be late for the mixer. 437 00:15:29,963 --> 00:15:31,965 Uh, excuse me, did I say your time-out was over? 438 00:15:31,999 --> 00:15:32,899 Back on the bed. 439 00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:35,235 I'm sorry, okay? No more pranks. 440 00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:36,769 I promise. 441 00:15:36,803 --> 00:15:39,739 I just wanted to have fun with you. Geez! 442 00:15:41,308 --> 00:15:45,412 I forgot I did that one! 443 00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:46,946 Aye, Manny! Por favor! 444 00:15:46,980 --> 00:15:48,081 Get out. Get out! 445 00:15:48,115 --> 00:15:49,116 Luke, we should talk about this! 446 00:15:49,149 --> 00:15:50,117 There's nothing to talk about. 447 00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:51,818 And you're not coming to this stupid party. 448 00:15:51,851 --> 00:15:53,586 I'm going alone. -So am I. 449 00:15:54,621 --> 00:15:55,788 -Eh. -Wow. 450 00:15:55,822 --> 00:15:57,590 Like I want to take some stupid bell class 451 00:15:57,624 --> 00:15:59,626 so we can all find out there's one more thing I can't do. 452 00:15:59,659 --> 00:16:01,594 Oh, boo-hoo. Your dad believes in you. 453 00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:04,331 My mom's treating me like I'm on some Japanese game show. 454 00:16:04,364 --> 00:16:06,166 Fine! You win! 455 00:16:06,199 --> 00:16:08,601 You win worst parent, you win college. 456 00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:10,603 Hope you have fun here while I'm shoveling poo 457 00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:12,439 in some underground poo-shoveling place. 458 00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:13,440 Well, why'd you even come here 459 00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:14,807 if you're so sure you can't get in? 460 00:16:14,841 --> 00:16:16,009 I don't know. 461 00:16:16,043 --> 00:16:17,944 Maybe because this is the one place we might both get in. 462 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,946 That might make this whole thing a little less scary! 463 00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:21,681 Well, that's the only reason I applied, too! 464 00:16:21,714 --> 00:16:23,116 Then why are we fighting?! I don't know! 465 00:16:23,150 --> 00:16:25,718 So, are we still going to the party? Yeah, I'll put on a hat! 466 00:16:27,887 --> 00:16:30,190 I just wanted Luke to feel good about himself, you know? 467 00:16:30,223 --> 00:16:31,958 Cheer him on a little. 468 00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:35,028 Maybe there is such a thing as too much cheerleading. 469 00:16:35,062 --> 00:16:37,364 You tell him he can do anything, and when he can't, 470 00:16:37,397 --> 00:16:39,166 he feels like he's disappointing you. 471 00:16:39,199 --> 00:16:41,534 Luke knows I'd never be disappointed in him. 472 00:16:41,568 --> 00:16:43,303 Does he? Luke is very sweet, 473 00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:45,472 but he doesn't know a lot of things. 474 00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:46,806 So I'm supposed to pump him up, 475 00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:49,176 but not so much that he's afraid to let me down. 476 00:16:49,209 --> 00:16:50,843 It's ironic that I'm struggling with this 477 00:16:50,877 --> 00:16:53,246 since my greatest cheerleading move was threading the needle. 478 00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:56,316 It's when your seven cheermates make hoop arms -- 479 00:16:56,349 --> 00:16:58,351 I don't care. 480 00:16:58,385 --> 00:17:00,220 I just want Manny to learn how to take a joke. 481 00:17:00,253 --> 00:17:03,156 Yes, but there's a difference between a joke 482 00:17:03,190 --> 00:17:05,024 and yelling "Pervert!" before shoving him 483 00:17:05,058 --> 00:17:06,159 into the girls' locker room. 484 00:17:06,193 --> 00:17:07,494 Aye, please, that was funny. 485 00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:09,396 Besides, I was the one who broke a heel 486 00:17:09,429 --> 00:17:11,331 trying to keep the door shut. 487 00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:13,032 College is a big change. 488 00:17:13,066 --> 00:17:15,034 I'm just trying to keep it light for him. 489 00:17:15,068 --> 00:17:16,836 For him or for you? 490 00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:19,839 Okay. 491 00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:22,842 He's leaving me for the first time in his life. 492 00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:24,877 I've been married, I've been divorced, 493 00:17:24,911 --> 00:17:26,879 I've lived here, I've lived there. 494 00:17:26,913 --> 00:17:29,849 I drove a taxi, I won "Star Search." 495 00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:33,520 Through all the changes in my life, there was always us. 496 00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:35,555 Like partners. 497 00:17:35,588 --> 00:17:40,360 If I don't keep this light, I am going to be very sad. 498 00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:42,762 I know. It stinks. 499 00:17:42,795 --> 00:17:45,532 You just have to hope they get irritating enough 500 00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:47,534 by the end of the year that you're ready for them to go. 501 00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:50,870 Maybe I should give him his harmonica back. 502 00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:52,939 That's the spirit. 503 00:17:52,972 --> 00:17:55,608 Here, take my half steak. 504 00:17:55,642 --> 00:17:57,210 I'll take half your fish. 505 00:17:57,244 --> 00:17:59,246 I got to trick my arteries every once in a while, 506 00:17:59,279 --> 00:18:01,248 keep them on their toes. 507 00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:03,383 Well, I don't know what you're doing, but you look great. 508 00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:04,617 And you look great, too. 509 00:18:04,651 --> 00:18:06,052 Oh, look, there's no line at the bar. 510 00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:08,255 How about a Rob Roy for old time's sake? 511 00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:11,057 Oh, you remembered, Sarge. 512 00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:14,561 That was the only drink I could keep down when I was pregnant. 513 00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:16,796 Who are those people? 514 00:18:16,829 --> 00:18:19,432 You heard them. They're "Sarge" and "Pea." 515 00:18:19,466 --> 00:18:22,101 Two nicknames I have never heard in my entire life. 516 00:18:22,135 --> 00:18:23,936 This kindness, I don't trust it. 517 00:18:23,970 --> 00:18:26,906 I know, it's like a purple sky before a storm. Exactly. 518 00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:30,277 Beautiful until you realize the birds are agitated 519 00:18:30,310 --> 00:18:32,078 and ants are walking in circles. 520 00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,012 Actually, you know what? 521 00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:34,581 My -- My stomach's feeling a little weird. 522 00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:37,417 I think I'm gonna take a walk, get a little fresh air. 523 00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:39,486 Oh, no, you don't. You are not running away this time. No. 524 00:18:39,519 --> 00:18:40,587 Let go, bossy! 525 00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:42,922 Sit down. We are gonna suffer like a family! 526 00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:44,757 No. Don't -- Don't stretch out my jacket! 527 00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:46,459 I just got back into slim fit! 528 00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:50,763 -Is everything all right? -Yeah. 529 00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:51,631 -He's fine. -I just -- 530 00:18:51,664 --> 00:18:53,166 Oh, no, of course. Yeah, go get that. 531 00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,434 What's going on? 532 00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:55,935 -Oh... -She pushed me. 533 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,103 I didn't push him. 534 00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:58,605 He just, you know, slipped, fell. 535 00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:01,140 Sit down, sit down. You're causing a scene. 536 00:19:01,174 --> 00:19:02,675 It's very embarrassing. 537 00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:04,944 You have been quite rude today, young lady. 538 00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:06,313 General Patton over there. 539 00:19:06,346 --> 00:19:09,449 And this one is basically a cardboard cutout 540 00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:11,651 who occasionally sips wine and sighs. 541 00:19:11,684 --> 00:19:14,321 We did not raise you to act like this. 542 00:19:14,354 --> 00:19:16,856 -Oh, excuse me. -No, I-I got it. 543 00:19:16,889 --> 00:19:20,527 No, in fact, you raised us to act exactly like this, okay? 544 00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:22,462 You two are the ones that are acting crazy. 545 00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:23,996 What are you talking about? 546 00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:26,333 Who the hell are Sarge and Pea, 547 00:19:26,366 --> 00:19:28,167 and where were they when we were growing up? 548 00:19:28,201 --> 00:19:30,036 Yeah, maybe if those two people had raised us, 549 00:19:30,069 --> 00:19:31,704 there would have been room in our house 550 00:19:31,738 --> 00:19:33,139 for other people to have emotions 551 00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:36,343 and somebody wouldn't have had to shut himself down. 552 00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:39,479 And maybe somebody wouldn't be trying 553 00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:40,647 to control the whole world 554 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:41,881 because she couldn't control the chaos 555 00:19:41,914 --> 00:19:43,182 in her own home growing up. 556 00:19:43,216 --> 00:19:44,217 Oh, come on. 557 00:19:44,251 --> 00:19:46,152 We all know that's what's wrong with her. 558 00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:47,854 -Oh, God. -So, come on. 559 00:19:47,887 --> 00:19:49,322 What do you have to say for yourselves? 560 00:19:49,356 --> 00:19:51,658 -Well, you're not wrong. -True. 561 00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:53,326 I'm -- I'm sorry. One more time. What? 562 00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:57,029 We didn't behave well when we were married, 563 00:19:57,063 --> 00:20:00,367 and I feel bad about that. Me, too. 564 00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:02,669 We thought we were staying together for you, 565 00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:05,004 but I don't know, maybe we'd forced you 566 00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:07,540 to live with two unhappy people for too long. 567 00:20:07,574 --> 00:20:09,676 But we're happy now. 568 00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:14,180 And that's probably why we're able to be our old selves today. 569 00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:15,748 We should have said this a long time ago, 570 00:20:15,782 --> 00:20:18,718 but we didn't give you the kind of home you deserved, 571 00:20:18,751 --> 00:20:21,220 and for that, we're sorry. 572 00:20:21,254 --> 00:20:22,589 Well, you -- I mean, there was -- 573 00:20:22,622 --> 00:20:23,756 There was happy times, too. 574 00:20:23,790 --> 00:20:25,592 Yeah, no, it wasn't all crazytown. 575 00:20:25,625 --> 00:20:26,693 It was -- Yeah. 576 00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:29,228 Listen. 577 00:20:29,262 --> 00:20:30,530 We're good, right? We can go? 578 00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:32,432 Yes. Of course. Go. 579 00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:37,203 Wow. How about that? 580 00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:39,105 An apology. 581 00:20:39,138 --> 00:20:43,276 I don't think I ever thought it would feel so good. 582 00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:47,380 I do like seeing them happy. 583 00:20:47,414 --> 00:20:49,382 Yeah. 584 00:20:49,416 --> 00:20:50,950 Ohh, you. 585 00:20:50,983 --> 00:20:52,218 Shut up. 586 00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:54,387 I feel stuff. 587 00:20:54,421 --> 00:20:56,423 I know. 588 00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:05,231 ** 589 00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:08,435 Son of a bitch! That is coconuts! 590 00:21:08,468 --> 00:21:09,936 I remember you! 591 00:21:16,443 --> 00:21:17,977 Do you miss spokesmodeling? 592 00:21:18,010 --> 00:21:19,812 Aye, I do a boat show every now and then. 593 00:21:19,846 --> 00:21:21,581 That's how I keep my hand in it. 594 00:21:21,614 --> 00:21:22,949 Watch, watch. 595 00:21:22,982 --> 00:21:24,351 This is how I sealed the deal. 596 00:21:28,821 --> 00:21:30,957 That's you again!