1 00:00:02,870 --> 00:00:03,937 Listen up. 2 00:00:04,038 --> 00:00:05,406 Any of youse goes stool-pigeon on me, 3 00:00:05,506 --> 00:00:07,075 you'll find yourself in a Chicago overcoat. 4 00:00:07,175 --> 00:00:08,742 Honey, you're not gonna talk like that 5 00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:10,344 all the way to the wedding, are you? 6 00:00:10,444 --> 00:00:11,245 Or all the way to that overpass? 7 00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:13,081 Hey, at least you look cute. 8 00:00:13,181 --> 00:00:14,248 Who picked my outfit? 9 00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:16,084 I did. 10 00:00:16,184 --> 00:00:19,420 My dad and Lorraine decided to have a 1920s-themed wedding. 11 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:20,721 Such a romantic time. 12 00:00:20,821 --> 00:00:24,024 Yeah, dust bowls, the Klan, Prohibition. 13 00:00:25,693 --> 00:00:28,529 Oh, I'm -- I'm sure they'll have alcohol. 14 00:00:28,629 --> 00:00:29,930 Self-serve? 15 00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:32,933 I guess the grease monkeys must be out back shooting dice. 16 00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:34,535 Can they come out here and shoot us? 17 00:00:34,635 --> 00:00:35,803 Oh, God, look down. 18 00:00:35,903 --> 00:00:36,970 Haley? 19 00:00:37,071 --> 00:00:38,606 We're going somewhere fancy, okay? 20 00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:39,807 Where, the past? 21 00:00:39,907 --> 00:00:40,774 Hi, Kimmy. 22 00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:42,710 You didn't feel like dressing up, too? 23 00:00:42,810 --> 00:00:44,445 What do you say those pretty peepers of yours 24 00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:46,580 never saw the famous gangster Phillinger 25 00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:49,583 and his ex-prostitute getaway driver? 26 00:00:49,683 --> 00:00:52,086 I think a, uh -- a sawbuck should do the -- 27 00:00:52,186 --> 00:00:54,388 That's too much. I'm gonna get some change. 28 00:00:54,488 --> 00:00:57,658 Enjoy dress-up day. 29 00:00:57,758 --> 00:00:59,327 Mom, you need to control your man. 30 00:00:59,427 --> 00:01:00,961 I cannot listen to this character all day. 31 00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:03,631 Guys, you know your dad. You know your dad's dad. 32 00:01:03,731 --> 00:01:07,468 We are up against unimaginable forces of goofy. 33 00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:10,638 Just remember he does it out of love. 34 00:01:10,738 --> 00:01:13,641 It's Johnny Law! Let's hot-foot it! 35 00:01:13,741 --> 00:01:14,942 Ohh! 36 00:01:15,042 --> 00:01:17,411 Phil! 37 00:01:30,291 --> 00:01:32,160 What the hell is all this? 38 00:01:32,260 --> 00:01:33,694 I got a rush order for my sauce, 39 00:01:33,794 --> 00:01:35,763 and the kitchen that I usually use was booked, 40 00:01:35,863 --> 00:01:37,431 so I have to do everything myself. 41 00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:39,200 You know, I think I slept funny last night. 42 00:01:39,300 --> 00:01:42,203 No, don't. I know better than to ask for your help. 43 00:01:42,303 --> 00:01:44,538 Ah, good, 'cause I have a tee time. 44 00:01:44,638 --> 00:01:46,874 On the way, could you take me to pick up my prom tux? 45 00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:48,209 That sounds like something you'd love to do. 46 00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:51,312 I so don't want to do that. 47 00:01:52,380 --> 00:01:53,847 I'm turning 70 next year. 48 00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:55,549 I know -- I look great. 49 00:01:55,649 --> 00:01:57,485 One of the few perks of getting up there 50 00:01:57,585 --> 00:01:59,853 is the ability to say no without guilt. 51 00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:01,989 "Can I have a ride to the airport?" No. 52 00:02:02,089 --> 00:02:03,557 Do I want to see your niece's recital? 53 00:02:03,657 --> 00:02:04,692 Nuh-unh. 54 00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:06,494 "Want to do a walk-a-thon to end global --" 55 00:02:06,594 --> 00:02:08,562 I'm gonna stop you right there. 56 00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:10,864 Was anyone in my room last night? 57 00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:12,166 Not after I tucked you in. 58 00:02:12,266 --> 00:02:14,635 Great. I have a monster. 59 00:02:14,735 --> 00:02:16,570 I'm sure you're mistaken. 60 00:02:16,670 --> 00:02:19,507 Nope. And we have to catch him before I go to bed tonight. 61 00:02:19,607 --> 00:02:22,176 Joe, there's no such thing as monsters. 62 00:02:22,276 --> 00:02:24,912 Calm down. I'm not gonna ask you to help. 63 00:02:26,046 --> 00:02:28,482 Shaping up like a pretty good year. 64 00:02:28,582 --> 00:02:30,684 Cake for breakfast? Now we're talking. 65 00:02:30,784 --> 00:02:31,919 No, don't touch that! 66 00:02:32,019 --> 00:02:33,187 I'm making that for Uncle Pepper's 67 00:02:33,287 --> 00:02:34,322 costume party tonight. 68 00:02:34,422 --> 00:02:35,889 The theme is famous movie duos. 69 00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:38,692 Daddy and I are going as Leo and the "Revenant" bear. 70 00:02:38,792 --> 00:02:39,527 You know what? 71 00:02:39,627 --> 00:02:40,928 Where is Pam? 72 00:02:41,028 --> 00:02:42,663 She said she was gonna be here two hours ago. 73 00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:44,398 She has no respect for anyone else's time. 74 00:02:45,799 --> 00:02:48,502 You know, she says she's gonna pop in for a "short stay." 75 00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:51,539 It's like we're just supposed to rearrange our lives? 76 00:02:51,639 --> 00:02:53,507 Hmm. 77 00:02:53,607 --> 00:02:55,876 It's taken me a long time, but I've finally learned 78 00:02:55,976 --> 00:02:58,045 that when it comes to Cam's sister, 79 00:02:58,145 --> 00:03:01,915 anything I say can and will be used against me. 80 00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:03,417 Do you think maybe we should, you know, 81 00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:05,419 have the bartender cut Pam off? 82 00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:08,055 Oh, God, you know what? She is getting a little bit messy. 83 00:03:08,155 --> 00:03:09,690 Uh, Pam, Mitchell thinks you're kind of 84 00:03:09,790 --> 00:03:11,024 making a fool out of yourself. 85 00:03:11,124 --> 00:03:13,427 Go to hell, Mitchell! 86 00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:16,464 You go straight to hell! 87 00:03:16,564 --> 00:03:19,267 Whoo! 88 00:03:20,568 --> 00:03:23,704 Well, her majesty has finally arrived. 89 00:03:23,804 --> 00:03:25,573 I can sense how angry you are. 90 00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:28,742 I know. I know. I'm late. 91 00:03:28,842 --> 00:03:31,312 No, there's no late when you're family. 92 00:03:31,412 --> 00:03:33,213 Although Mitchell was just saying -- 93 00:03:33,314 --> 00:03:34,448 So what brings you into town? 94 00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:35,916 Modeling. Oh. 95 00:03:36,016 --> 00:03:37,050 I'm sorry. Modeling? 96 00:03:37,150 --> 00:03:38,486 Real-person modeling. 97 00:03:38,586 --> 00:03:41,322 Back home, they put me on a billboard for the feed store, 98 00:03:41,422 --> 00:03:42,390 and I caught the bug. Oh. Wow. 99 00:03:42,490 --> 00:03:44,124 Next stop -- Hollywood. 100 00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:45,225 Okay. wow. 101 00:03:45,326 --> 00:03:46,560 So how long are you gonna be in town? 102 00:03:46,660 --> 00:03:48,596 Well, who's to say? 103 00:03:48,696 --> 00:03:50,130 Well, I was hoping it'd be you. 104 00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,266 You can't put a date on a dream. 105 00:03:52,366 --> 00:03:53,901 Mnh-mnh. Speaking of, 106 00:03:54,001 --> 00:03:55,403 we need to take me to an audition, 107 00:03:55,503 --> 00:03:57,338 and I'm a little jittery, so I was hoping you guys 108 00:03:57,438 --> 00:03:59,740 would want to ride along for moral support. 109 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:01,275 Oh, actually, Mitchell and I have a r-- 110 00:04:01,375 --> 00:04:03,143 We have a really busy day. Isn't that right, Mitchell? 111 00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,312 Uh, yeah. 112 00:04:04,412 --> 00:04:06,414 Oh, this won't take long. Let's go. 113 00:04:06,514 --> 00:04:09,350 On the ride over, I can practice my joint-pain grimaces. 114 00:04:09,450 --> 00:04:12,019 Hmm. Oh! Oh. 115 00:04:12,119 --> 00:04:12,920 Ohh! Are you okay? 116 00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:13,954 I am! I am! 117 00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:16,023 Oh, yeah, I know. You're good. You're good. 118 00:04:21,829 --> 00:04:23,497 Ohh! 119 00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:24,765 Again?! 120 00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:27,368 Joe hasn't slept in that chewed-up sweater snagger 121 00:04:27,468 --> 00:04:30,103 in years, but Gloria won't let me get rid of anything 122 00:04:30,203 --> 00:04:32,640 the kid has ever touched, so I needed a plan. 123 00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:35,509 Fortunately, when you say no to everything, 124 00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:39,513 it frees up time to concoct ingenious schemes. 125 00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,815 Look, Joe, there's no monsters anywhere. 126 00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:44,385 There's nothing underneath the bed, 127 00:04:44,485 --> 00:04:46,654 nothing inside the teepee. 128 00:04:46,754 --> 00:04:47,955 Are you sure? 129 00:04:48,055 --> 00:04:50,524 Yes, monsters need places to hide. 130 00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:52,225 They're not like the evil spirits, 131 00:04:52,326 --> 00:04:53,394 which are all around us. 132 00:04:53,494 --> 00:04:54,962 What? No, no, nothing, baby. 133 00:04:55,062 --> 00:04:57,698 Nothing. Look, my window's open! 134 00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:59,199 Maybe that's how he got in. 135 00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:00,468 Impossible. 136 00:05:00,568 --> 00:05:01,902 If he came across the roof, 137 00:05:02,002 --> 00:05:05,739 there'd be broken tiles or monster prints or... 138 00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:07,341 My monogrammed money clip. 139 00:05:07,441 --> 00:05:10,544 I snuck in through Joe's window last night because it was past curfew, 140 00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:12,646 and I must have dropped my clip on the roof. 141 00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:14,214 I needed to get it before Mom saw. 142 00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:15,649 I can't afford to get grounded. 143 00:05:15,749 --> 00:05:17,317 David Sedaris is coming to Barnes and Noble 144 00:05:17,418 --> 00:05:18,486 on a school night. 145 00:05:19,753 --> 00:05:21,422 I guess I can go out on the roof and check for monster slobber. 146 00:05:21,522 --> 00:05:23,491 Okay. No! 147 00:05:23,591 --> 00:05:26,394 If he falls from the roof and dies, 148 00:05:26,494 --> 00:05:28,396 his ghost will haunt you forever. 149 00:05:28,496 --> 00:05:31,832 Oh, boy. I do not need a ghost. 150 00:05:31,932 --> 00:05:33,601 Manny, help me out in the garage. 151 00:05:33,701 --> 00:05:35,603 Do I get to say no to things I don't want to do? 152 00:05:35,703 --> 00:05:38,706 No, at your age, it's unlikable. At my age, it's delightful. 153 00:05:38,806 --> 00:05:40,408 Can you get those Easter decorations down for me? 154 00:05:40,508 --> 00:05:41,842 I don't know if you remember, 155 00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:43,611 but my back's been bothering me lately. 156 00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:46,113 Uh, do I need to change my shirt? 157 00:05:46,213 --> 00:05:47,415 It looks cobwebby up there. 158 00:05:47,515 --> 00:05:49,383 No, just give it a tug. 159 00:05:49,483 --> 00:05:51,919 You know, I never realized how close to the edge 160 00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:54,722 that cinder block is to falling right on this beautiful crib. 161 00:05:57,791 --> 00:05:59,359 Whoa! 162 00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:01,629 Son of a...! You got to be kidding me! 163 00:06:01,729 --> 00:06:03,897 Come on! 164 00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:09,102 Quite the shindig, huh? 165 00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:10,538 You mooks cool your heels. 166 00:06:10,638 --> 00:06:12,239 I'll grab some hooch for this parakeet. 167 00:06:12,339 --> 00:06:13,240 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 168 00:06:13,340 --> 00:06:15,709 Phil, why are we the only ones in costume? 169 00:06:15,809 --> 00:06:18,446 Oh, you're right, doll. Something's screwy. 170 00:06:18,546 --> 00:06:21,248 The invitation clearly said "gangster attire optional." 171 00:06:21,348 --> 00:06:23,116 Optional?! Ow! 172 00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:25,085 You dumbasses actually did it! 173 00:06:25,185 --> 00:06:26,987 Jerry, get this! 174 00:06:27,087 --> 00:06:28,489 No, Jerry, don't get this. 175 00:06:28,589 --> 00:06:30,991 Uh, everyone, this is Lorraine's son, Ray. 176 00:06:31,091 --> 00:06:34,127 Mother-daughter -- My favorite search category. 177 00:06:34,227 --> 00:06:36,096 Shouldn't you be partially upright 178 00:06:36,196 --> 00:06:37,731 on a "stages of man" chart somewhere? 179 00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:39,299 What? Yeah. 180 00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,268 Honey, you need to hear this right now. 181 00:06:41,368 --> 00:06:42,470 Your family's embarrassed. 182 00:06:42,570 --> 00:06:43,737 We're the only ones in costumes. 183 00:06:43,837 --> 00:06:44,905 You do this all the time. 184 00:06:45,005 --> 00:06:46,173 I'm wearing wool underwear. 185 00:06:46,273 --> 00:06:48,275 That's an extra step you chose to take. 186 00:06:48,375 --> 00:06:50,077 I'm sorry. I thought this would be fun. 187 00:06:50,177 --> 00:06:53,514 Yes, but your idea of fun is often our idea of a horror show. 188 00:06:53,614 --> 00:06:55,816 When you picked me up from school in that hot-dog car. 189 00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:56,984 Repeatedly screaming, 190 00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:59,119 "That's what I'm talking about!" at my graduation. 191 00:06:59,219 --> 00:07:01,021 Walking into my science fair on stilts. 192 00:07:01,121 --> 00:07:03,323 Your exhibit was on daddy longlegs. I had no choice! 193 00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,493 Oh, honey, you always have a choice. 194 00:07:05,593 --> 00:07:07,495 You just keep making the wrong ones. 195 00:07:08,829 --> 00:07:10,363 Guys. 196 00:07:10,464 --> 00:07:11,632 Come on, now. 197 00:07:11,732 --> 00:07:14,101 Well, look, it's Pretty Boy Dunphy. 198 00:07:14,201 --> 00:07:15,869 Looking good yourself, Pops. 199 00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:17,471 How, uh -- How you doing? 200 00:07:17,571 --> 00:07:19,272 Well, I got my rings, got my vows. 201 00:07:19,372 --> 00:07:21,341 Now all I need is a way to escape. 202 00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:22,843 Please, someone help. 203 00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:25,212 I'm kidding, of course. 204 00:07:25,312 --> 00:07:27,648 Actually, I'm really looking forward to being married. 205 00:07:27,748 --> 00:07:29,216 Then -- Then what's with the getaway bag? 206 00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:30,951 Oh, I got to ask you to help me out 207 00:07:31,051 --> 00:07:32,953 with what I think is a doozy of a surprise. 208 00:07:33,053 --> 00:07:33,821 Come here. 209 00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:36,389 Get this -- Mid-ceremony, you know, when you ask 210 00:07:36,490 --> 00:07:37,825 if anyone has any objections? 211 00:07:37,925 --> 00:07:39,126 Yeah? I'm gonna pull out 212 00:07:39,226 --> 00:07:41,962 a Tommy gun and tell you to skip that part. 213 00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:43,964 Sweet maple syrup. I like it. 214 00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:45,198 I'm just getting warmed up. 215 00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:47,668 I got a script, prop guns, exploding paint capsules. 216 00:07:47,768 --> 00:07:50,671 I even hired a few of the local theater people to help out. 217 00:07:50,771 --> 00:07:53,641 And, uh -- And Lorraine's cool with all this? 218 00:07:53,741 --> 00:07:55,909 That's the beauty part. She doesn't know a thing about it. 219 00:07:56,009 --> 00:07:57,845 80% of comedy is surprise. 220 00:07:57,945 --> 00:08:00,213 The other 20% is wordplay. 221 00:08:02,950 --> 00:08:04,051 Something wrong, son? 222 00:08:04,151 --> 00:08:05,986 I think this might be a terrible idea. 223 00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:06,887 What do you mean? 224 00:08:07,955 --> 00:08:09,222 Lorraine might be one of those old-fashioned brides 225 00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:11,224 that doesn't want a body count on her special day. 226 00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:15,362 Dad, you and I like to have fun, but not everybody's like us. 227 00:08:15,462 --> 00:08:17,097 Some people -- Some people think 228 00:08:17,197 --> 00:08:19,032 our brand of humor is embarrassing. 229 00:08:19,132 --> 00:08:21,569 Oh, you're right. Maybe I do overdo it. 230 00:08:21,669 --> 00:08:23,236 I remember your mother was really ticked off at me 231 00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:27,207 at your baptism when I kept pretending the holy water 232 00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:28,709 was boiling. 233 00:08:28,809 --> 00:08:30,277 Ouch! Ouch! 234 00:08:30,377 --> 00:08:32,880 Okay, we don't have to do anything crazy today. 235 00:08:32,980 --> 00:08:34,782 Don't worry about it. Thanks, Pops. 236 00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:36,383 But, wait, you're still gonna do my funeral 237 00:08:36,483 --> 00:08:37,951 the way we talked about, right? 238 00:08:38,051 --> 00:08:39,787 That recording of you banging on that piece of wood 239 00:08:39,887 --> 00:08:41,021 screaming, "Let me out of here!" 240 00:08:41,121 --> 00:08:44,625 It's a real shame I'm gonna miss that. 241 00:08:49,897 --> 00:08:51,965 What are you doing? That accident that Manny caused earlier 242 00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:53,133 gave me quite a start, so I figured 243 00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:55,636 I'd pull everything out and put it back in a safer fashion. 244 00:08:55,736 --> 00:08:58,271 Gloria, could you plug this in for me? 245 00:08:58,371 --> 00:08:59,873 I want to dust off some of this stuff. 246 00:08:59,973 --> 00:09:01,141 Did you call me outside just for that? 247 00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:03,276 I got a back situation. 248 00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:04,912 Maybe Manny mentioned it. 249 00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:08,716 Oh, no! Wrong cord! 250 00:09:08,816 --> 00:09:10,918 What have you done? 251 00:09:13,921 --> 00:09:17,324 Geez, it seems like Joe's crib's damaged beyond repair! 252 00:09:17,424 --> 00:09:18,992 No, no, it's fine. 253 00:09:19,092 --> 00:09:21,394 It just Froggered across the street. 254 00:09:21,494 --> 00:09:23,631 Leave it there. The garbage man is coming tomorrow. 255 00:09:23,731 --> 00:09:24,998 And you're fine with that? 256 00:09:25,098 --> 00:09:27,167 You're attached to everything related to that kid. 257 00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:29,102 Yeah, but not to that stupid crib. 258 00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:32,172 Do you know how many clothes I've ruined walking by it -- 259 00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:34,642 nice dresses, sweaters, a pair of high heels? 260 00:09:34,742 --> 00:09:35,943 How do you snag a pair of high heels? 261 00:09:36,043 --> 00:09:38,111 I kicked that stupid thing. How else? 262 00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:40,080 Oh! Ay! 263 00:09:40,180 --> 00:09:43,784 My trap worked! I caught the monster! 264 00:09:45,318 --> 00:09:47,655 I got you now, monster! 265 00:09:47,755 --> 00:09:49,456 Wait, wait, wait, stop! It's me -- Manny. 266 00:09:49,556 --> 00:09:51,792 Prove it. Do I like vegetables? 267 00:09:51,892 --> 00:09:53,160 Only with ketchup. 268 00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:55,162 Manny, what are you doing here? 269 00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:57,597 Uh, I just needed a place to practice 270 00:09:57,698 --> 00:09:59,299 some new dance moves for the prom. 271 00:09:59,399 --> 00:10:01,034 Do it. 272 00:10:01,134 --> 00:10:03,003 What? Do the dance moves. 273 00:10:05,673 --> 00:10:07,675 Uh... 274 00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:10,678 I have to admit that that is very good. 275 00:10:10,778 --> 00:10:12,813 But I know that you're lying. 276 00:10:12,913 --> 00:10:14,782 Fine. 277 00:10:14,882 --> 00:10:16,516 I was the one in here last night. 278 00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:18,652 I came in through the window because I broke curfew. 279 00:10:18,752 --> 00:10:19,987 I dropped my money clip, 280 00:10:20,087 --> 00:10:21,354 and I was just trying to get it back. 281 00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:23,456 Forget about going to David Sedaris. 282 00:10:25,225 --> 00:10:26,293 I was wrong, Joe. 283 00:10:26,393 --> 00:10:28,495 There is a monster in this room. 284 00:10:30,497 --> 00:10:32,499 The key to real-person modeling 285 00:10:32,599 --> 00:10:35,635 is not to attract a lot of attention to yourself. 286 00:10:36,704 --> 00:10:39,072 This is me thinking about buying a car. Uh-huh. 287 00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:41,341 This is me with a toothache, obviously. Ah. 288 00:10:41,441 --> 00:10:42,509 Oh, this is me smart. 289 00:10:42,609 --> 00:10:44,077 What was that, Mitchell? I didn't say anything. 290 00:10:44,177 --> 00:10:46,079 I thought you said something about that we had a busy day. 291 00:10:46,179 --> 00:10:48,081 No. No, I'm just happy to be here 292 00:10:48,181 --> 00:10:49,649 watching a career get launched. 293 00:10:49,750 --> 00:10:50,684 Oh. Yeah. 294 00:10:50,784 --> 00:10:52,319 Hey, tell me if they call my name. 295 00:10:52,419 --> 00:10:53,486 I'm gonna go pretty down. 296 00:10:53,586 --> 00:10:55,022 Mm. Okay. 297 00:10:55,122 --> 00:10:56,256 Can you believe her? 298 00:10:56,356 --> 00:10:58,191 She just barges into our life and expects us 299 00:10:58,291 --> 00:11:00,593 to drop everything and invest in this crazy dream. 300 00:11:00,694 --> 00:11:02,730 Well, she really does look like someone who just broke her mop. 301 00:11:02,830 --> 00:11:04,331 Okay, what is going on with you? 302 00:11:04,431 --> 00:11:06,366 I'm not doing it anymore, Cam, okay? 303 00:11:06,466 --> 00:11:08,769 Okay, you're too afraid to confront your big, scary sister, 304 00:11:08,869 --> 00:11:10,037 so you use me to do it. 305 00:11:10,137 --> 00:11:11,338 Well, I'm out, okay? 306 00:11:11,438 --> 00:11:13,573 Until you learn how to confront her yourself, 307 00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:14,574 you're never gonna get the respect from her 308 00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:16,409 that you clearly crave. 309 00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:17,610 Okay, you know what? 310 00:11:17,711 --> 00:11:19,713 I am not in the least bit intimidated by her. 311 00:11:19,813 --> 00:11:20,881 "Her" who? 312 00:11:20,981 --> 00:11:22,382 Oh, the lady at the costume store that, 313 00:11:22,482 --> 00:11:24,117 uh, M-Mitchell's pressuring me to go 314 00:11:24,217 --> 00:11:25,018 pick up the costumes right now. 315 00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:26,086 I go-- Okay, I'm going, Mitchell. 316 00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,554 My gosh. My gosh. 317 00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:29,689 Hey, give me a dollar 318 00:11:29,790 --> 00:11:31,024 so I can get me some gum. Oh. 319 00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:33,026 Here. Thank you. 320 00:11:33,126 --> 00:11:35,062 My God, you're perfect. 321 00:11:35,162 --> 00:11:36,764 It's happening! 322 00:11:36,864 --> 00:11:39,266 You're absolutely unremarkable! 323 00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:40,633 Terry, get out here! 324 00:11:40,734 --> 00:11:43,904 This better not be another false 325 00:11:44,004 --> 00:11:46,606 I can't not take my eyes off him. 326 00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:48,375 Oh, I'm -- I'm not here to audition. 327 00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:49,542 Say that again. 328 00:11:49,642 --> 00:11:51,144 Yes, I've already forgotten what you said. 329 00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:55,282 When they made him, they kept the mold. 330 00:11:57,951 --> 00:12:00,988 Are you looking at me? Are you looking at me? 331 00:12:01,088 --> 00:12:02,422 Please tell me you're doing a scene from a movie 332 00:12:02,522 --> 00:12:03,991 and not confused about what a mirror is. 333 00:12:04,091 --> 00:12:05,793 Hi, honey. What's that? 334 00:12:05,893 --> 00:12:08,161 A bag of plastic guns. 335 00:12:08,261 --> 00:12:10,998 My dad was planning this crazy stunt at the wedding 336 00:12:11,098 --> 00:12:12,432 that Lorraine didn't even know about. 337 00:12:12,532 --> 00:12:14,434 There's a whole script for it and everything. 338 00:12:14,534 --> 00:12:16,636 Don't worry. I talked him out of it. 339 00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,171 No more embarrassing the Dunphys today. 340 00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:20,841 I heard what you guys said, and I'm -- I'm truly sorry. 341 00:12:20,941 --> 00:12:22,475 Oh, quick. 342 00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:25,412 What nickname did Jennifer Lopez steal from Jon Lovitz? 343 00:12:25,512 --> 00:12:27,314 J-- Never mind. 344 00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:29,416 Hello? Yes, the rings. 345 00:12:29,516 --> 00:12:32,352 Wow. He didn't say "J-Lo." 346 00:12:32,452 --> 00:12:34,487 He also heard that siren and didn't say, 347 00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:35,655 "There's my ride." 348 00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:36,924 Did we break Dad? 349 00:12:37,024 --> 00:12:38,458 And when was the last time you saw him 350 00:12:38,558 --> 00:12:39,459 pick up a can of whipped cream 351 00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:41,962 and not do his "I've got rabies" gag? 352 00:12:42,062 --> 00:12:43,864 Oh, my God. Did we go too far? 353 00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:45,365 Have we knocked the fun out of him? 354 00:12:45,465 --> 00:12:47,267 No, no, no. Stop this thinking. 355 00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:48,635 We are this close to having a normal dad, 356 00:12:48,735 --> 00:12:50,103 and you are not ruining it. 357 00:12:51,371 --> 00:12:53,673 Hey, guys, can I have Claire for a second? 358 00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:55,508 Sure. 359 00:12:57,710 --> 00:13:00,180 Ew, they're spending their wedding night right next door? 360 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:01,849 Calm down. The loudest noise 361 00:13:01,949 --> 00:13:04,551 you're gonna hear is Grandpa getting out of a chair. 362 00:13:04,651 --> 00:13:05,853 You look great. Oh. 363 00:13:05,953 --> 00:13:06,987 How are you feeling? 364 00:13:07,087 --> 00:13:08,822 Well, you'd think on my fourth marriage, 365 00:13:08,922 --> 00:13:10,123 I wouldn't be this nervous. 366 00:13:10,223 --> 00:13:11,992 Ah, I guess it never gets easier. 367 00:13:12,092 --> 00:13:13,026 I remember my wedding. 368 00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:14,627 My stomach was filled with butterflies. 369 00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:17,497 And Haley. 370 00:13:17,597 --> 00:13:19,299 I've always married such serious men. 371 00:13:19,399 --> 00:13:21,368 Frank is not that at all. 372 00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:24,204 Oh, I know, but if you can see past that. 373 00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:25,973 Past that? 374 00:13:26,073 --> 00:13:27,841 Yeah, he's got a lot of wonderful qualities, too. 375 00:13:27,941 --> 00:13:29,676 Oh, sweetie, you're missing it. 376 00:13:29,776 --> 00:13:32,880 All my ex-husbands were accomplished, serious men, 377 00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:34,514 but bone-dry. 378 00:13:34,614 --> 00:13:37,184 A day hasn't gone by that Frank hasn't made me laugh. 379 00:13:37,284 --> 00:13:39,552 I hope I keep up. 380 00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:41,721 Oh. But who am I telling? 381 00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:43,190 You got lucky, too. 382 00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:55,835 Sweet victory! 383 00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:03,843 Okay, wait, wait. 384 00:14:03,944 --> 00:14:05,678 Charge! No, no, no! 385 00:14:05,778 --> 00:14:07,180 Not my hair! 386 00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:08,515 Not my hair! 387 00:14:08,615 --> 00:14:09,682 What are you doing? What are you...? 388 00:14:09,782 --> 00:14:12,752 Hey, hey, hey, hey. What's going on? 389 00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:15,122 Oh, nothing. We're painting Joe's wall 390 00:14:15,222 --> 00:14:17,857 with monster repellent to protect him. 391 00:14:17,958 --> 00:14:19,026 Looks like you're having fun, huh? 392 00:14:20,293 --> 00:14:21,561 Honey, don't worry. We're not gonna ask you to do anything. 393 00:14:21,661 --> 00:14:22,930 The trick to the corners is if you -- 394 00:14:23,030 --> 00:14:24,197 Yeah, yeah, we got it. 395 00:14:24,297 --> 00:14:26,066 Go fix yourself a drink! 396 00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:28,601 "Fix yourself a drink." 397 00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:29,802 Right there, right there, Joe. 398 00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:34,741 The thing about saying no -- 399 00:14:34,841 --> 00:14:37,710 You say it too much... 400 00:14:37,810 --> 00:14:40,380 people just stop asking. 401 00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:47,120 You stole my dream. 402 00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:49,456 Okay, would you please stop saying that? 403 00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:51,158 If you hadn't distracted those ninnies 404 00:14:51,258 --> 00:14:53,593 with your striking regularness, they would have put me 405 00:14:53,693 --> 00:14:56,896 in a national TV ad campaign instead of neither of us! 406 00:14:56,997 --> 00:14:58,398 Why are you flipping out? 407 00:14:58,498 --> 00:15:01,001 I-I am not in competition with you. 408 00:15:01,101 --> 00:15:03,336 Oh, so now you think I'm crazy?! 409 00:15:03,436 --> 00:15:04,237 N-No. 410 00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:07,574 Well, maybe I am crazy, but I have a damn good reason. 411 00:15:07,674 --> 00:15:09,409 Connect the dots, you dummy. 412 00:15:09,509 --> 00:15:12,845 I'm wearing real loose clothes. I need money real bad. 413 00:15:12,946 --> 00:15:15,615 My hair is lustrous like a lion's mane. 414 00:15:15,715 --> 00:15:17,250 Uh, you're in love? 415 00:15:17,350 --> 00:15:19,987 No, the opposite! I'm pregnant! 416 00:15:20,087 --> 00:15:21,254 Okay. Oh, God. 417 00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:24,324 The family didn't want me to get back together with Beau 418 00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:26,926 on account of he's six-parts Chicopee and married, 419 00:15:27,027 --> 00:15:28,595 but I did it anyway, and now he's in County 420 00:15:28,695 --> 00:15:30,797 for punching a police horse in the face. 421 00:15:30,897 --> 00:15:32,799 And if they find out, then they'll just know 422 00:15:32,899 --> 00:15:35,868 that everyone was right about me being such a screw-up. 423 00:15:35,969 --> 00:15:38,505 Oh, Pam, I-I had no idea. 424 00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:40,273 I mean, how many months along are you? 425 00:15:40,373 --> 00:15:41,474 Oh, all of them. 426 00:15:41,574 --> 00:15:43,977 Yeah, go ahead. Condemn me. 427 00:15:44,077 --> 00:15:47,147 I can see the judgment all over that generic face of yours. 428 00:15:48,215 --> 00:15:51,484 This strap is cutting into me like a piano wire. 429 00:15:51,584 --> 00:15:53,353 Would you mind going through my luggage 430 00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:55,122 and pulling out my after-dinner bra? 431 00:15:55,222 --> 00:15:56,523 If I must. 432 00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:57,890 I'm home! 433 00:15:57,991 --> 00:16:00,460 I didn't get picked. Thanks for asking. 434 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:02,996 Well, I have good news. 435 00:16:03,096 --> 00:16:06,233 Mitchell and I are early contenders 436 00:16:06,333 --> 00:16:10,903 to win the best costume in the human/animal category. 437 00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:15,542 What are you doing? Self-comforting with food. 438 00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:17,177 I've been working on that all morning, 439 00:16:17,277 --> 00:16:18,545 and it is for a party tonight. 440 00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:20,580 What are a bunch of gays gonna do with a cake 441 00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:22,849 but stand around screeching about how pretty it is? 442 00:16:22,949 --> 00:16:24,251 Okay, that's it. 443 00:16:24,351 --> 00:16:26,253 Pam, you are rude. 444 00:16:26,353 --> 00:16:27,887 You are disrespectful. 445 00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:28,721 And you are going in for another bite?! 446 00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:31,324 Put the fork down! Put it down! 447 00:16:31,424 --> 00:16:34,094 It is high time that you start thinking 448 00:16:34,194 --> 00:16:36,063 about somebody other than yourself! 449 00:16:36,163 --> 00:16:38,665 Oh. So that's how you feel? 450 00:16:38,765 --> 00:16:39,999 Yes, it is. 451 00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:42,769 Then I guess it is on! 452 00:16:42,869 --> 00:16:43,836 Don't. No! 453 00:16:43,936 --> 00:16:44,737 You better run! No! 454 00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:47,407 Get off of me! I wasn't ready! 455 00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:48,941 Then get ready for this! 456 00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:53,846 Hey! Cut it out! 457 00:16:53,946 --> 00:16:55,115 Hey! That hurts! 458 00:16:55,215 --> 00:16:56,449 Good, then it's working! 459 00:16:58,151 --> 00:17:01,288 Oh, cut it out, you faker. I'm not even touching you. 460 00:17:01,388 --> 00:17:03,090 I assume it's this one. Oh, what are you doing? 461 00:17:03,190 --> 00:17:04,124 She's pregnant! 462 00:17:04,224 --> 00:17:05,125 What?! 463 00:17:05,225 --> 00:17:06,559 Hey! Hey! Cut it out! 464 00:17:06,659 --> 00:17:08,695 Oh! Oh! Okay, okay. 465 00:17:08,795 --> 00:17:10,863 Oh, no, I think my water just broke. 466 00:17:10,963 --> 00:17:12,299 Is it on me?! 467 00:17:12,399 --> 00:17:14,534 I'm fixing to reproduce right now! 468 00:17:14,634 --> 00:17:16,035 Call 811. 469 00:17:16,136 --> 00:17:17,270 No, Mitchell, that's for livestock. 470 00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:18,538 Call 911. 471 00:17:18,638 --> 00:17:19,606 Yeah, I-I know. I know. 472 00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:22,442 Pamela, why didn't you tell me? 473 00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:23,810 Well, why do you think? 474 00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:25,645 I didn't want to disappoint you. 475 00:17:25,745 --> 00:17:29,116 You know you're the person I look up to mo-o-o-o-o-st... 476 00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:29,982 Whoa! Oh, my gosh. 477 00:17:30,083 --> 00:17:32,051 ...in the family. I am? 478 00:17:32,152 --> 00:17:33,886 Why do you think I came here? 479 00:17:33,986 --> 00:17:35,322 Oh. I wanted to be near you 480 00:17:35,422 --> 00:17:37,224 when the baby po-- Aah! 481 00:17:37,324 --> 00:17:39,326 Ow! 482 00:17:39,426 --> 00:17:41,928 But I thought maybe if I got a job first, 483 00:17:42,028 --> 00:17:44,997 I wouldn't look like such a pathetic me-e-e-e-ss! 484 00:17:45,098 --> 00:17:46,333 Ow! 485 00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:49,936 What? I'm so cold, Cam! 486 00:17:50,036 --> 00:17:51,404 Oh, oh, here, put on Mitchell's bear costume. 487 00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:53,106 Here you go. Come on. 488 00:17:53,206 --> 00:17:56,476 Okay, so they are gonna be here in, uh, 10 minutes. 489 00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:57,844 I'll never make it! 490 00:17:57,944 --> 00:17:58,678 Okay. It's a-coming! 491 00:17:58,778 --> 00:18:00,980 Okay! Mitchell! Mitchell, okay. 492 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,081 It's all right. We're here for you. 493 00:18:02,182 --> 00:18:03,082 Help me get her pants off. 494 00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:04,117 Okay. Yes. All right, we need to get 495 00:18:04,217 --> 00:18:05,418 some pillows up underneath her hips 496 00:18:05,518 --> 00:18:07,820 to get her birthing canal properly angled. 497 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,021 Yeah! All right, here we go. 498 00:18:09,122 --> 00:18:09,822 Relax. 499 00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:11,158 Mitchell! 500 00:18:11,258 --> 00:18:12,091 I want to make sure that they don't miss the house, 501 00:18:12,192 --> 00:18:14,461 so I'm just gonna... Breathe, breathe. 502 00:18:14,561 --> 00:18:18,165 Frank and Lorraine, today marks the public and legal 503 00:18:18,265 --> 00:18:21,134 joining of your souls, marriage being above all else, 504 00:18:21,234 --> 00:18:22,135 a contract. 505 00:18:24,271 --> 00:18:26,706 Uh, one of my favorite authors once wrote, 506 00:18:26,806 --> 00:18:28,841 "If love is not all, then it is nothing. 507 00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:31,444 This principle, and its opposite, 508 00:18:31,544 --> 00:18:34,781 collide down all the years of -- of my breathless tale." 509 00:18:36,416 --> 00:18:39,619 Seeing Phil bomb up there, I felt like a mama bird 510 00:18:39,719 --> 00:18:41,521 who had just nudged her chick out of the nest 511 00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:43,790 without a single pun to break his fall. 512 00:18:43,890 --> 00:18:47,627 "For man can no more survive without love 513 00:18:47,727 --> 00:18:49,796 than a cooper without his billhook, 514 00:18:49,896 --> 00:18:52,799 nor a whaler less his flensing knife." 515 00:18:52,899 --> 00:18:54,201 Words as true today as they were 516 00:18:54,301 --> 00:18:56,002 when they were written 18,000 years ago. 517 00:18:56,102 --> 00:18:57,003 That can't be right. 518 00:18:58,004 --> 00:19:00,139 Now is the moment when I ask if anyone here 519 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:03,710 has reason to object to the union of these two people. 520 00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:04,744 Thank you. 521 00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:06,313 I object! 522 00:19:06,413 --> 00:19:09,048 I object to you not handing over those diamond rings, preacher! 523 00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:10,317 You heard her. 524 00:19:10,417 --> 00:19:13,420 Hand over the ice, or I fill you full of...leed. 525 00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:15,222 Lead. Honey, what are you doing? 526 00:19:15,322 --> 00:19:17,490 Sorry, padre, you had your chance. 527 00:19:17,590 --> 00:19:18,925 I now pronounce you dead! 528 00:19:20,427 --> 00:19:21,694 When in the world did -- 529 00:19:21,794 --> 00:19:23,996 A lot of questions for a cadaver! 530 00:19:25,131 --> 00:19:26,999 Ohh! Ohh! 531 00:19:27,099 --> 00:19:28,535 Don't you see? These twos is in on it together! 532 00:19:28,635 --> 00:19:30,503 Mind your own potatoes, Daisy. 533 00:19:30,603 --> 00:19:32,672 Ohh! Excuse me. 534 00:19:32,772 --> 00:19:35,408 This is my wedding and your funeral! 535 00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:36,209 Ohh! 536 00:19:36,309 --> 00:19:38,278 And one for the choir boy! 537 00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:39,846 Missed me. 538 00:19:44,116 --> 00:19:47,920 Hey, uh, you guys feel like doing one more paint job? 539 00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:50,290 Only all of us this time? 540 00:19:50,390 --> 00:19:52,725 Sure. 541 00:19:52,825 --> 00:19:55,262 Sometimes life can be simpler than we think. 542 00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:56,563 We're born... 543 00:19:56,663 --> 00:19:58,231 You know, um, maybe we should let Pam and the baby 544 00:19:58,331 --> 00:20:00,099 stay upstairs for a little while. 545 00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:03,403 Mitchell was just saying -- No, he hates when I do that. 546 00:20:03,503 --> 00:20:05,538 I was just saying that maybe you and the baby 547 00:20:05,638 --> 00:20:07,307 should stay upstairs for a while? 548 00:20:07,407 --> 00:20:09,309 Oh, Cam! 549 00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:10,410 ...we die... 550 00:20:10,510 --> 00:20:12,245 You're all mad with the devil's brew! 551 00:20:12,345 --> 00:20:14,647 ...and in between... 552 00:20:14,747 --> 00:20:18,318 Ah! ...if we're lucky, we laugh... 553 00:20:19,952 --> 00:20:22,489 ...which makes the journey worth taking. 554 00:20:22,589 --> 00:20:23,656 With that in mind... 555 00:20:23,756 --> 00:20:27,727 Do you, Frank Dunphy, the silliest man I know... 556 00:20:29,195 --> 00:20:31,564 ...take Lorraine to be your long-suffering wife? 557 00:20:31,664 --> 00:20:33,833 I do. Ohh. 558 00:20:33,933 --> 00:20:36,836 You may kiss the tomato. 559 00:20:38,271 --> 00:20:40,006 Yay! 560 00:20:47,347 --> 00:20:50,283 Your bedtime was an hour ago, señor. 561 00:20:50,383 --> 00:20:51,951 I want to finish this. 562 00:20:52,051 --> 00:20:53,920 You don't even know how to read. 563 00:20:54,020 --> 00:20:56,356 Stop worrying. There's no monsters upstairs. 564 00:20:56,456 --> 00:20:57,524 That paint works. 565 00:20:57,624 --> 00:20:59,326 Mommy, can you check it? 566 00:20:59,426 --> 00:21:01,928 Okay. 567 00:21:02,028 --> 00:21:04,497 Your mother won't even let me get rid of this sticky, old tarp. 568 00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:05,932 She's attached to everything. 569 00:21:06,032 --> 00:21:08,100 Someday soon, that will work in your favor. 570 00:21:09,101 --> 00:21:10,637 Hey, careful of that cinder block. 571 00:21:10,737 --> 00:21:13,840 Man, you couldn't budge that thing with a -- Oh! 572 00:21:13,940 --> 00:21:15,975 Whoa! Whoa! Oh! 573 00:21:21,881 --> 00:21:25,385 Great! Now I have a swamp monster!