1 00:00:03,237 --> 00:00:04,538 Look at you, dressed like a girl. Why the change? 2 00:00:04,572 --> 00:00:06,174 Did the roller-derby team try to recruit you again? 3 00:00:06,207 --> 00:00:07,841 No. I have a date with Ben. 4 00:00:07,875 --> 00:00:09,643 You don't seem too excited about it. 5 00:00:09,677 --> 00:00:12,046 Well, I mean, he's really nice, and -- 6 00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:13,647 Got it. You're bored, and so am I. 7 00:00:13,681 --> 00:00:14,982 Break up. 8 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:17,218 I mean, I just want to see what else is out there. 9 00:00:17,251 --> 00:00:18,852 Does that make me a bad person? Oh, my God. 10 00:00:18,886 --> 00:00:20,054 Are we still talking about this? 11 00:00:20,088 --> 00:00:21,655 I solved your problem. Today. 12 00:00:21,689 --> 00:00:23,924 Crowded restaurant so he doesn't make a scene. 13 00:00:23,957 --> 00:00:25,526 Just deep breath and say it. 14 00:00:25,559 --> 00:00:28,996 Fantastic news! Someone TP'd our house! 15 00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:30,498 Halloween fun is afoot. 16 00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:32,933 Dad, I really want to be excited for you, 17 00:00:32,966 --> 00:00:34,335 but Halloween? 18 00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:36,070 We're almost old enough to vote. 19 00:00:36,104 --> 00:00:37,171 Aaaaaahhh! Whoa! 20 00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:39,340 [ Laughs ] Got me! 21 00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:40,441 Worth it? 22 00:00:40,474 --> 00:00:42,676 Oh, what, you're too old for a little scare? 23 00:00:42,710 --> 00:00:44,545 The scariest thing is you could be a cheap pick-up line, 24 00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:46,447 two beers, and nine months away from being a grandparent, 25 00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:48,416 and you just risked asphyxiation in the fridge. 26 00:00:48,449 --> 00:00:50,451 It's not like we're taking you trick-or-treating. 27 00:00:50,484 --> 00:00:52,686 There are grown-up ways to enjoy Halloween. 28 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:54,388 How about pumpkin-boat racing? 29 00:00:54,422 --> 00:00:56,224 Cam used to do it in Missouri. 30 00:00:56,257 --> 00:00:57,425 Take a giant pumpkin, 31 00:00:57,458 --> 00:00:58,559 cut the top off, 32 00:00:58,592 --> 00:01:00,761 gut it, hop in, sail away. 33 00:01:00,794 --> 00:01:01,562 Let's do it. 34 00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:03,231 I'm so married to this idea, 35 00:01:03,264 --> 00:01:06,267 it rolls its eyes when I make jokes in public. 36 00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:08,402 Take notes -- This might help you out with Ben later. 37 00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:10,070 Mom, Dad? 38 00:01:10,104 --> 00:01:11,239 You and Halloween have had 39 00:01:11,272 --> 00:01:12,406 some great times together. 40 00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:14,041 -Mm. -But it's over. 41 00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:16,377 You're way too old, and it's hard to look at. 42 00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:17,611 Wow, it really lines up. 43 00:01:17,645 --> 00:01:18,912 I see what's going on here. 44 00:01:18,946 --> 00:01:19,780 Thank God. 45 00:01:19,813 --> 00:01:20,914 I haven't communicated how big 46 00:01:20,948 --> 00:01:22,250 this pumpkin's gonna be. 47 00:01:22,283 --> 00:01:24,952 You guys know Clifford -- the Big Red Dog? 48 00:01:24,985 --> 00:01:25,819 We're not doing this. 49 00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:26,754 Plus, we all have dates. 50 00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:27,455 But -- 51 00:01:27,488 --> 00:01:29,957 I think they're past it. 52 00:01:29,990 --> 00:01:31,125 That was kinda harsh, huh? 53 00:01:31,159 --> 00:01:32,793 Oh, honey, don't take it too personally. 54 00:01:32,826 --> 00:01:34,895 Me? That was directed at you, fridge monster. 55 00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:35,663 You're the one 56 00:01:35,696 --> 00:01:37,064 who's obsessed with Halloween. 57 00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:38,632 Honey, you were the one who suggested 58 00:01:38,666 --> 00:01:39,633 getting a giant pumpkin 59 00:01:39,667 --> 00:01:40,968 and having us sail away in it 60 00:01:41,001 --> 00:01:43,571 like a family of cartoon mice. 61 00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:45,439 All pumpkins are giant to mice. 62 00:01:45,473 --> 00:01:48,409 There is no use in us arguing over who's more obsessed 63 00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:50,077 with a holiday that's behind us already. 64 00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:51,412 Way behind us. 65 00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:52,746 All right. I got to get going, honey. 66 00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:53,814 Yeah, have a good one. 67 00:01:53,847 --> 00:01:54,748 -Mwah! -Mwah! 68 00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:55,749 Great. Buh-bye. 69 00:01:55,783 --> 00:01:56,484 Mm-hmm, bye. 70 00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:00,754 [ Men moaning as zombies ] 71 00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:02,190 Change of plans, fellas. 72 00:02:02,223 --> 00:02:04,325 Hop in the car. 73 00:02:04,358 --> 00:02:07,094 -- Captions by VITAC -- 74 00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:10,097 Captioning Provided by 20th Century Fox Television and ABC, Inc. 75 00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:13,100 and brought to you by Ford. We go further, so you can. 76 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:16,604 ** 77 00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:17,938 Well, well, well. 78 00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:18,839 You city folk 79 00:02:18,872 --> 00:02:20,107 sure are late risers. 80 00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:20,941 I guess your rooster 81 00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:21,775 has a snooze button. 82 00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:22,776 [ Chuckles ] 83 00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:23,877 It's funny how you say 84 00:02:23,911 --> 00:02:24,978 the exact, same thing 85 00:02:25,012 --> 00:02:27,448 every morning. 86 00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:28,716 Since our contractor took a break 87 00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:29,950 from rehabbing kitchens 88 00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:32,119 to rehab a gambling problem... Yeah. 89 00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:33,020 ...Jay took over, 90 00:02:33,053 --> 00:02:34,288 and we've been staying here. 91 00:02:34,322 --> 00:02:35,389 It's been a lot of Dad, 92 00:02:35,423 --> 00:02:37,358 but it -- it just became too impractical 93 00:02:37,391 --> 00:02:38,626 to continue living at home. 94 00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:40,828 We're gonna use another coat of varnish. 95 00:02:40,861 --> 00:02:42,830 The fumes shouldn't be too noticeable. 96 00:02:42,863 --> 00:02:43,497 -Okay. -Okay. 97 00:02:43,531 --> 00:02:45,399 Oh, boy. Lily. 98 00:02:45,433 --> 00:02:47,401 Oh, gosh! Okay, she's down! 99 00:02:47,435 --> 00:02:49,637 It's been hard on us, living without a kitchen. 100 00:02:49,670 --> 00:02:52,005 It's been, uh, six weeks now since it burned down. 101 00:02:52,039 --> 00:02:53,006 Since you burned it down. 102 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:54,475 Since I burned it down. 103 00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:56,344 And then maliciously made me think I did it 104 00:02:56,377 --> 00:02:58,546 and leveraged my guilt for your own selfish gain. 105 00:02:58,579 --> 00:02:59,880 Then maliciously made you think 106 00:02:59,913 --> 00:03:01,315 that you did it, and leveraged -- 107 00:03:01,349 --> 00:03:03,651 Honey, you got to stop beating yourself up. 108 00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:04,652 Okay. 109 00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:05,519 I was going to make 110 00:03:05,553 --> 00:03:06,687 Joe's oatmeal. 111 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:07,988 Do you really have to use 112 00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:09,357 all five burners? 113 00:03:09,390 --> 00:03:10,358 Well, it is called 114 00:03:10,391 --> 00:03:11,659 Five Burner Meat Pie, 115 00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:13,026 and it's the traditional dish 116 00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:14,528 back at the Halloween festival, 117 00:03:14,562 --> 00:03:15,763 so it kinda makes me feel 118 00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:16,597 like I'm there. 119 00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:17,865 Mm. 120 00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:18,899 No oatmeal? 121 00:03:18,932 --> 00:03:21,702 Guess I could put my beard on now. 122 00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:23,571 Come over here! 123 00:03:23,604 --> 00:03:24,672 Ow! 124 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:27,341 Look, I'm sorry, but the God I worship 125 00:03:27,375 --> 00:03:30,411 does not let his roots show, so... 126 00:03:30,444 --> 00:03:31,412 Gloria: Two weeks ago, 127 00:03:31,445 --> 00:03:33,447 we invited Mitch and Cam to stay here. 128 00:03:33,481 --> 00:03:34,915 You invited them. 129 00:03:34,948 --> 00:03:36,550 [ Sighs ] It's been hard on us, 130 00:03:36,584 --> 00:03:38,686 but it's part of our Colombian heritage... 131 00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:40,053 Your heritage. 132 00:03:40,087 --> 00:03:41,355 ...to welcome family 133 00:03:41,389 --> 00:03:43,257 and to never kick them out, 134 00:03:43,291 --> 00:03:46,560 even when they might have some boundary issues. 135 00:03:46,594 --> 00:03:48,562 I'm heading back to the job site. 136 00:03:48,596 --> 00:03:50,197 Gonna let the guys knock off 137 00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,766 for a little liqu-or-treating. 138 00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:55,202 Well, that is how you manage... 139 00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:56,637 [quietly] ...to stretch a job until Christmas. 140 00:03:56,670 --> 00:03:58,071 Okay, you need to go over there, 141 00:03:58,105 --> 00:03:59,573 find out how long this is gonna take. 142 00:03:59,607 --> 00:04:01,208 I want my kitchen back. 143 00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:02,710 Okay, uh, Dad? 144 00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:04,612 W-We appreciate all your hard work, 145 00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:06,814 but we're running a little past schedule. 146 00:04:06,847 --> 00:04:08,248 The job is done when the job is done. 147 00:04:08,282 --> 00:04:09,249 You want it faster, 148 00:04:09,283 --> 00:04:11,118 next time, burn down a bookshelf. 149 00:04:11,151 --> 00:04:12,886 Well, clearly, he doesn't know what he's doing 150 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:13,887 and he's too proud to admit it. 151 00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:14,988 [ Quietly ] I know. I know. 152 00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:18,726 [ Quietly ] My breakfast is a LUNA Bar for women. 153 00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:20,093 Do something. 154 00:04:20,127 --> 00:04:22,396 [ Quietly ] They're family. What do you want me to do? 155 00:04:22,430 --> 00:04:23,664 You need to fire your father. 156 00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:25,132 Don't worry. I'll take care of it. 157 00:04:25,165 --> 00:04:26,834 Mitchell. I swear to God. 158 00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:29,269 Promise me you'll get rid of them. 159 00:04:29,303 --> 00:04:30,338 Okay. 160 00:04:30,371 --> 00:04:32,072 Make me believe it. 161 00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:33,741 I swear to you. 162 00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:35,275 Haley: I didn't have a date with a guy, 163 00:04:35,309 --> 00:04:37,345 but rather a date with Destiny. 164 00:04:37,378 --> 00:04:39,079 Destiny was the name of the casting director 165 00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:40,280 I was auditioning for. 166 00:04:40,314 --> 00:04:42,316 I saw an ad for backup singers on a cruise ship, 167 00:04:42,350 --> 00:04:43,751 and I knew it was fate. 168 00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:46,119 I have a killer voice, I love karaoke, 169 00:04:46,153 --> 00:04:48,422 and I'm great at partying on boats. 170 00:04:48,456 --> 00:04:49,523 Haley Dunphy? 171 00:04:49,557 --> 00:04:51,291 Ahoy! 172 00:04:51,325 --> 00:04:52,426 I speak "ship." 173 00:04:52,460 --> 00:04:53,994 Bon voyage, mateys. 174 00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:55,162 I crushed it. 175 00:04:55,195 --> 00:04:57,431 I even crushed the modesty after. 176 00:04:57,465 --> 00:05:00,968 "No, thank you for the chance to sing." 177 00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:04,104 Beth and Jessica... 178 00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:05,473 Bye. ...you guys stay. 179 00:05:05,506 --> 00:05:06,974 Haley, we'll be in touch. 180 00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:08,175 [ Beth and Jessica chuckling ] 181 00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:09,677 I had a good feeling about you two 182 00:05:09,710 --> 00:05:11,779 when I found out you were fellow Kappa sisters. 183 00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:12,980 Wait. 184 00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:14,682 You're all in the same sorority? 185 00:05:14,715 --> 00:05:16,784 Only the best sorority. 186 00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:18,285 Together: Kappa Kappa Theta! 187 00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,120 Ooh, I wanna take ya -- Okay, okay. 188 00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:22,390 This is why everyone hates college graduates. 189 00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:23,891 I will walk out that door, 190 00:05:23,924 --> 00:05:26,026 but at least show me enough respect to admit 191 00:05:26,059 --> 00:05:28,328 that this decision had nothing to do with talent. 192 00:05:28,362 --> 00:05:30,464 Because everyone knows that I was the best. 193 00:05:30,498 --> 00:05:32,299 Well, that took a lot of guts. 194 00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:33,401 Come with me. 195 00:05:33,434 --> 00:05:35,335 Let's take a second look at your audition. 196 00:05:35,369 --> 00:05:38,138 Haley: * To hold me, to scold me 197 00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:42,309 '* Cause when I'm bad, I'm so, so bad * 198 00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:43,644 See? I'm fantastic. 199 00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:44,878 Mm. Keep watching. 200 00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:48,682 * So let's dance, the last dance * 201 00:05:48,716 --> 00:05:51,652 * Let's dance, the last dance * 202 00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:52,553 Okay. I've seen enough. 203 00:05:52,586 --> 00:05:53,587 Oh, no, no, no. 204 00:05:53,621 --> 00:05:54,988 I had to sit through this whole thing. 205 00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:56,223 You will, too. 206 00:05:56,256 --> 00:05:57,825 [ "Last Dance" instrumental playing ] 207 00:05:57,858 --> 00:05:59,860 You got to remember, this was the '60s. 208 00:05:59,893 --> 00:06:02,496 Competition in the closet game was fierce, 209 00:06:02,530 --> 00:06:04,665 everybody chasing after the next big storage idea. 210 00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:07,535 Historians remember this period as the "space race." [ Door opens ] 211 00:06:07,568 --> 00:06:08,402 Oh, Mitchell. 212 00:06:08,436 --> 00:06:09,403 Uh, Dad? 213 00:06:09,437 --> 00:06:10,771 Uh, I would like to see the kitchen. 214 00:06:10,804 --> 00:06:13,006 I'd like to think that drinking beer makes my hair grow back, 215 00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:14,007 but life ain't fair. 216 00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:15,776 Okay, uh, then w-we need to talk. 217 00:06:15,809 --> 00:06:16,944 You guys want to take it outside? 218 00:06:16,977 --> 00:06:18,746 I need a couple minutes with El Rojo. 219 00:06:18,779 --> 00:06:19,947 Mm-hmm. 220 00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:21,749 Rojo means "red." 221 00:06:21,782 --> 00:06:23,016 Yeah. 222 00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:25,018 I put things together quickly, unlike your workers, 223 00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:26,420 which is, uh, why I'm here. [ Door closes ] 224 00:06:26,454 --> 00:06:27,688 Um, Dad, if this is too much for you -- 225 00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:28,856 Now, wait a second. 226 00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:30,190 You're not here to fire me, are you? 227 00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:31,024 What? No. 228 00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:32,092 Pfft! That's a strong word. 229 00:06:32,125 --> 00:06:34,027 I've done enough axing in my time 230 00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:35,195 to recognize the look. 231 00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:36,196 Just do it. 232 00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:37,364 See, now, I was -- I was hoping 233 00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:38,632 this would be more of a conversation. 234 00:06:38,666 --> 00:06:40,534 Never been much for confrontation. 235 00:06:40,568 --> 00:06:43,403 You weren't engaged to a woman six months in law school 236 00:06:43,437 --> 00:06:45,238 because you were good at dropping the hammer. 237 00:06:45,272 --> 00:06:46,740 Didn't you guys get a cat together? 238 00:06:46,774 --> 00:06:48,041 Okay, you know? Y-Y-Yes! 239 00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:49,209 You're fired! Okay? 240 00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:50,878 You're an incompetent man-diva. 241 00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:51,945 The only thing you've ever built 242 00:06:51,979 --> 00:06:54,381 is a closet -- i.e. a box of air. 243 00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:55,649 So get out, 244 00:06:55,683 --> 00:06:56,650 and don't let the door hit you 245 00:06:56,684 --> 00:06:59,252 on your ample behind. 246 00:06:59,286 --> 00:07:01,121 [ Smacks lips ] 247 00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:02,155 Nicely done. 248 00:07:02,189 --> 00:07:04,458 Maybe an unnecessary shot at closets, 249 00:07:04,492 --> 00:07:07,094 particularly from someone who was in one for 22 years, 250 00:07:07,127 --> 00:07:08,095 but... Mm. 251 00:07:08,128 --> 00:07:08,996 Yeah, I get it. 252 00:07:09,029 --> 00:07:10,097 [ Light rattle ] 253 00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:11,398 I'll just grab my stuff. 254 00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:12,500 [ Grunts ] 255 00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:16,770 Oh, my God. Dad, it's -- it's done! 256 00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:18,806 Yep. Well, why didn't you say something? 257 00:07:18,839 --> 00:07:20,073 Well, I saw you marching in here, 258 00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:21,108 loaded for bear. 259 00:07:21,141 --> 00:07:22,275 You don't usually go off on people, 260 00:07:22,309 --> 00:07:23,477 so I thought it'd be good for you. 261 00:07:23,511 --> 00:07:25,012 How'd it feel? I didn't love it. 262 00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:26,413 But this kitchen is amazing. 263 00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:27,748 I only got one more thing to do. 264 00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:29,683 I've got to seal glass in the door and hang it. 265 00:07:29,717 --> 00:07:31,151 Now, you want to go with the stain 266 00:07:31,184 --> 00:07:32,753 or the clear pane Cam picked? 267 00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:33,921 Hmm. You know what? 268 00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:35,623 I-I bought this at a flea market. 269 00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:36,924 They're not sure of the origin. 270 00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:39,459 It either came from a 17th-century Flemish cathedral 271 00:07:39,493 --> 00:07:41,028 that collapsed in an earthquake 272 00:07:41,061 --> 00:07:42,996 or a high-school production of "Nunsense." 273 00:07:43,030 --> 00:07:44,031 Oh, I do love this. 274 00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:46,099 Should -- Should I ask Cam if it's okay? 275 00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:47,434 You almost just fired your dad. 276 00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:48,969 You're not gonna go shy on me on this -- 277 00:07:49,002 --> 00:07:49,970 You know what? 278 00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:51,104 You're right. 279 00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:52,372 It's this glass. 280 00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:53,473 That's it. Hey? 281 00:07:53,507 --> 00:07:55,543 You want to help me finish this off, 282 00:07:55,576 --> 00:07:56,443 just the two of us? 283 00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:57,611 You know what? 284 00:07:57,645 --> 00:07:59,346 Yes. Yeah, I-I would. 285 00:07:59,379 --> 00:08:01,815 Let me just strap on this bad boy. 286 00:08:01,849 --> 00:08:03,316 [ Tools clanking ] 287 00:08:05,052 --> 00:08:07,120 So, all the tools have been laid out. 288 00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:08,021 What next? 289 00:08:11,859 --> 00:08:12,993 -Phil. -Hey, Carol. 290 00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:14,828 I just found out my kids did this to your yard, 291 00:08:14,862 --> 00:08:16,530 and we are so sorry. 292 00:08:16,564 --> 00:08:18,131 Don't be. It's Halloween. 293 00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:20,968 It's one of the four biggest prank days of the year. 294 00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:22,369 It's this, April Fools' Day, 295 00:08:22,402 --> 00:08:24,004 and the day before April Fools' Day, 296 00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:25,472 'cause no one sees it coming. 297 00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:26,473 What's the fourth? 298 00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:27,975 Nice try, Carol. 299 00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:29,076 The point is, 300 00:08:29,109 --> 00:08:30,243 you're gonna wake up one morning 301 00:08:30,277 --> 00:08:32,312 and find out that your kids don't TP anymore. 302 00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:35,348 Cherish these days with your adorable little vandals. 303 00:08:35,382 --> 00:08:36,884 Well, I appreciate the understanding, 304 00:08:36,917 --> 00:08:38,652 but I'm trying to teach them a lesson. 305 00:08:38,686 --> 00:08:39,753 Oh, I'm gonna teach them a lesson, 306 00:08:39,787 --> 00:08:41,321 'cause it's payback time. 307 00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:43,323 Pranks wars have begun. 308 00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:44,057 [ Both cheering ] 309 00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:45,092 -Yes! -[ Laughs ] 310 00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:46,259 [ Chuckles awkwardly ] Okay, kids. 311 00:08:46,293 --> 00:08:47,895 I think Mr. Dunphy has better things to do 312 00:08:47,928 --> 00:08:49,563 than spend his day in a prank war with you. 313 00:08:49,597 --> 00:08:52,432 Good news, boys. I don't. 314 00:08:52,465 --> 00:08:53,667 Okay. 315 00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:55,335 Gloria: We cannot take you trick-or-treating 316 00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:58,071 if you don't finish your homework. 317 00:08:58,105 --> 00:09:01,675 Didn't you two have something you wanted to talk about? 318 00:09:01,709 --> 00:09:03,844 Um, so, Cam... 319 00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:05,245 I'm trying to get Wi-Fi 320 00:09:05,278 --> 00:09:07,380 so I can watch the pumpkin weigh-in 321 00:09:07,414 --> 00:09:08,682 at the Halloween festival back home. 322 00:09:08,716 --> 00:09:09,850 You know, 25 years ago, 323 00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:11,351 I raised the largest Wichita Thumper, 324 00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:12,586 and the record still stands. 325 00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:13,921 I am so sorry. 326 00:09:13,954 --> 00:09:16,289 There's no way to say that that doesn't sound braggy. 327 00:09:16,323 --> 00:09:18,291 No, no, you just did fine. 328 00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:20,527 Um, but I just wanted to say to you -- 329 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:23,096 You know, as with every pumpkin, there's a story. 330 00:09:23,130 --> 00:09:25,365 It was a cold, bitter night, 331 00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:27,434 when tap-tap-tap on the window. 332 00:09:27,467 --> 00:09:30,437 Darn if it wasn't the vine of my pumpkin, 333 00:09:30,470 --> 00:09:32,039 just out there trembling away. 334 00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:33,707 That is a great story. 335 00:09:33,741 --> 00:09:35,408 Next thing I know, Daddy's pulling the pumpkin 336 00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:37,544 through the window, careful, of course, not to break the vine. 337 00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:40,280 And for months, it just became a part of our household -- 338 00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:42,616 people stepping over it to get into the kitchen, 339 00:09:42,650 --> 00:09:43,583 blocked half the TV. 340 00:09:43,617 --> 00:09:45,052 We thought "The Brady Bunch" 341 00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:46,720 was just about three lovely girls. 342 00:09:46,754 --> 00:09:47,821 [ Chuckles ] 343 00:09:47,855 --> 00:09:49,556 Oh, but nobody complained. 344 00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:51,458 Sure, I won Grand Champion, 345 00:09:51,491 --> 00:09:53,560 you know, and the right to name the next tornado. 346 00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:55,729 But the thing I remember most 347 00:09:55,763 --> 00:09:57,230 are the sacrifices 348 00:09:57,264 --> 00:09:58,331 [voice breaking] my family made 349 00:09:58,365 --> 00:09:59,933 for just me. 350 00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:02,135 That's how we do family where I'm from. 351 00:10:02,169 --> 00:10:03,403 [ Inhales sharply ] 352 00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:05,739 That's how we do family where I am from! 353 00:10:05,773 --> 00:10:06,740 -Oh, Gloria! -Mmm! 354 00:10:06,774 --> 00:10:08,241 I got to get this Wi-Fi. 355 00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:09,677 [ Sighs ] 356 00:10:11,178 --> 00:10:13,413 You saw that, didn't you? 357 00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,415 I see everything. 358 00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:16,917 [ Car door closes ] In 10 minutes, 359 00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,185 you're gonna storm the office, 360 00:10:18,218 --> 00:10:19,419 everybody freaks out, 361 00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:21,755 I go Wonder Woman, fight off the zombies. 362 00:10:21,789 --> 00:10:22,756 Got it. Okay. 363 00:10:22,790 --> 00:10:24,191 My kids may be over it, 364 00:10:24,224 --> 00:10:27,494 but at the office, they love Halloween Claire. 365 00:10:27,527 --> 00:10:28,528 It's one of the perks 366 00:10:28,561 --> 00:10:29,930 of working at Pritchett's Closets. 367 00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:33,033 Sure, you got to pitch in for coffee the rest of the year, 368 00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:36,636 but on October 31st, the show is free. 369 00:10:36,670 --> 00:10:38,271 Hey. Ah. 370 00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:39,973 Everyone's on their way here to a meeting. 371 00:10:40,007 --> 00:10:40,874 Great. 372 00:10:40,908 --> 00:10:43,276 Oh, so, no costume this year? 373 00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:45,345 Apparently not. 374 00:10:45,378 --> 00:10:46,346 Oh, good call. 375 00:10:46,379 --> 00:10:48,281 Everyone was so sick of it. 376 00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:49,482 The pressure to dress up! 377 00:10:49,516 --> 00:10:51,284 You know, they begged me to talk to you, 378 00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:53,153 but I said, "No, Claire will realize 379 00:10:53,186 --> 00:10:54,688 how miserable everybody is." 380 00:10:54,722 --> 00:10:57,124 So no-nobody -- I vant to drink your -- 381 00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:58,525 We don't have to do it anymore. 382 00:10:58,558 --> 00:11:00,127 Oh, thank God! 383 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:01,829 You know, I cried in the mirror this morning? 384 00:11:01,862 --> 00:11:02,830 [ Employees moaning ] 385 00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:04,364 Guys, everybody. It's over. 386 00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:06,299 The whole thing's finally over. No worries. 387 00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:07,300 [ Employees murmur in relief ] 388 00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:08,802 Oh. Yeah. 389 00:11:08,836 --> 00:11:10,237 I'm just gonna need a quick second. 390 00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:11,471 [ Moans as zombie ] No, no, no. Stop, stop, stop, stop. 391 00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:13,140 -Sorry. -Go. 392 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:15,075 So, if you could just, 393 00:11:15,108 --> 00:11:17,544 uh, take your attention to the screen, please. 394 00:11:17,577 --> 00:11:21,081 And... for the market research -- 395 00:11:21,114 --> 00:11:22,382 [ Moans as zombie ] Please. Nobody wants this. 396 00:11:22,415 --> 00:11:24,885 Oh, she's surprising us. 397 00:11:24,918 --> 00:11:26,486 It's a zombie attack. 398 00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:27,654 [ Forced cheering ] Yay. 399 00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:32,592 Oh, but it's Wonder Woman to the rescue, yeah. 400 00:11:32,625 --> 00:11:34,494 [ Moaning as zombie ] Wonder Woman, help me. 401 00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:36,329 Okay, fun's over. 402 00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:38,265 Come on. Everybody -- 403 00:11:38,298 --> 00:11:39,699 [ Moans loudly ] Oh! 404 00:11:39,733 --> 00:11:40,700 Okay! All right! 405 00:11:40,734 --> 00:11:41,835 Here! Take it! Take it! 406 00:11:41,869 --> 00:11:44,237 Ow, God! I am so sorry! 407 00:11:44,271 --> 00:11:45,705 Haley: You're home early. 408 00:11:45,739 --> 00:11:48,108 I was into this awesome girl, Abby, from the club. 409 00:11:48,141 --> 00:11:50,543 And tonight, we were gonna take things to the next level, 410 00:11:50,577 --> 00:11:52,212 which is, you know, sex. 411 00:11:52,245 --> 00:11:53,847 Always classy to name it. 412 00:11:53,881 --> 00:11:55,615 But the one problem is she's super jealous 413 00:11:55,648 --> 00:11:57,284 and got this idea I was messing around 414 00:11:57,317 --> 00:11:59,352 with Carla from the snack bar. 415 00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:00,720 Which I was. 416 00:12:00,754 --> 00:12:02,589 So I had to break it off with Carla 417 00:12:02,622 --> 00:12:03,690 before seeing Abby. 418 00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:04,624 How'd it go? 419 00:12:04,657 --> 00:12:07,060 I got a major tong lashing. 420 00:12:07,094 --> 00:12:08,195 [ Grunting ] Ow! 421 00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:08,896 Ow! What the heck? 422 00:12:08,929 --> 00:12:10,197 Whoa! Hey! 423 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:11,431 Carla, calm down! Wait -- Oh! 424 00:12:11,464 --> 00:12:12,365 Wait, wait, I can explain! 425 00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:14,367 I can explain! Somebody help! 426 00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:16,103 Luke: So I covered up my bruises 427 00:12:16,136 --> 00:12:18,438 and checked for any snack-bar-related evidence 428 00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:19,406 before seeing Abby. 429 00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:20,874 Sorry I'm late. 430 00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:23,210 I got whiplash passing a picture of you. 431 00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:26,379 Things couldn't have been going any better... 432 00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:28,581 My dad is going to hate you. 433 00:12:28,615 --> 00:12:31,384 ...and then they got better. 434 00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:32,552 Until... 435 00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:33,720 Mustard? 436 00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:34,888 You hate mustard. 437 00:12:34,922 --> 00:12:37,224 You son of a bitch! You were with Carla! 438 00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:38,992 I knew there was one perfect thing 439 00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:40,127 I could say to save it. 440 00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,462 Baby, I just snack with her. 441 00:12:42,495 --> 00:12:43,596 You're the main course. 442 00:12:43,630 --> 00:12:44,898 [ Scoffs ] 443 00:12:44,932 --> 00:12:47,067 I did not come up with that thing. 444 00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:48,101 [ Hammering ] 445 00:12:48,135 --> 00:12:49,970 All right. 446 00:12:50,003 --> 00:12:50,670 Ahh! 447 00:12:50,703 --> 00:12:51,738 Looks good. 448 00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:52,940 You know, I helped build that. 449 00:12:52,973 --> 00:12:54,441 I-I feel like a real construction guy. 450 00:12:54,474 --> 00:12:56,309 I kinda wish a woman would walk by 451 00:12:56,343 --> 00:12:57,510 so I could objectify her. 452 00:12:57,544 --> 00:12:58,745 It's the best. 453 00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:00,247 Listen, we just finished the project. 454 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,249 Now, come on. Take a victory lap with your old man. 455 00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:04,017 Oh. I'd love to. 456 00:13:04,051 --> 00:13:05,252 Hey, and I defy Cam 457 00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:06,753 to find anything wrong with that window. 458 00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:10,157 It really gives your kitchen some flair. 459 00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:12,860 Oh, hey, Gloria. [ Gasps, screams ] 460 00:13:12,893 --> 00:13:14,694 I finally found a great spot for the Wi-Fi 461 00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:16,463 just in time for the pumpkin weigh-in. 462 00:13:16,496 --> 00:13:19,632 You sit here while I take a bath?! 463 00:13:19,666 --> 00:13:21,268 I'm gay? Hello? 464 00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:23,303 I'm more fixated on that fabulous robe. 465 00:13:23,336 --> 00:13:25,372 I am so borrowing that for my next bath. 466 00:13:25,405 --> 00:13:27,107 You didn't drain the water yet, did you? 467 00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:28,175 Okay, that's it! 468 00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:30,010 I can't handle you anymore! 469 00:13:30,043 --> 00:13:31,211 You take over my kitchen! 470 00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:33,446 I turn around, and you're in my face! 471 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:36,016 Siamese twins have more privacy than me! 472 00:13:36,049 --> 00:13:38,185 Get out of my house, and never come back! 473 00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:40,287 [ Cellphone dings ] 474 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:41,721 Hm. 475 00:13:41,754 --> 00:13:43,390 Well, the kitchen's done. 476 00:13:43,423 --> 00:13:45,658 So I guess I can move back home. 477 00:13:47,227 --> 00:13:48,695 He couldn't have sent you that message 478 00:13:48,728 --> 00:13:50,030 one minute ago? 479 00:13:50,063 --> 00:13:51,364 It's okay, Gloria. [ Cheering over cellphone ] 480 00:13:51,398 --> 00:13:53,400 It's better that I know how you actually feel. 481 00:13:54,201 --> 00:13:55,535 Oh. 482 00:13:55,568 --> 00:13:57,137 Well, there seems to be a lot of hubbub 483 00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:59,139 on the dais at pump' fest. 484 00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:01,074 Why are they gathering all the living mayors? 485 00:14:01,108 --> 00:14:02,475 Announcer: It's official. 486 00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:05,578 Ms. Darla Bowater has shattered the old pumpkin record. 487 00:14:05,612 --> 00:14:07,047 [ Cheering continues ] 488 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:08,048 Okay. [ Cheering stops ] 489 00:14:08,081 --> 00:14:08,982 I'm sure you'll understand, 490 00:14:09,016 --> 00:14:10,150 under these circumstances, 491 00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:12,319 I'll just quickly gather my things, take that bath, 492 00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:16,323 and...be on my way. 493 00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:18,058 [ Code box beeps ] Carol: Who is it? 494 00:14:18,091 --> 00:14:20,727 [ Low-pitched voice ] Special delivery from UPS. 495 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:23,096 Phil: [ Normal voice ] United Prank Service. 496 00:14:23,130 --> 00:14:24,764 I went to the history books for this one, 497 00:14:24,797 --> 00:14:26,666 all the way back to the first practical joke -- 498 00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:27,867 the Trojan Horse. 499 00:14:27,901 --> 00:14:30,270 Only I swapped out silly string for broad swords 500 00:14:30,303 --> 00:14:32,005 and laughter for murder. 501 00:14:32,039 --> 00:14:34,074 Carol: Okay. 502 00:14:34,107 --> 00:14:36,109 You guys want to prank? 503 00:14:36,143 --> 00:14:37,110 Let's prank. 504 00:14:37,144 --> 00:14:38,711 [ Buzzer, gates creak ] 505 00:14:39,446 --> 00:14:41,248 Oh, no. 506 00:14:41,281 --> 00:14:42,082 [ Crash ] 507 00:14:42,115 --> 00:14:43,416 Oh, no! 508 00:14:43,450 --> 00:14:45,518 [ Wood crackling ] 509 00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:47,287 No! 510 00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:49,923 Nooooo! 511 00:14:49,957 --> 00:14:51,925 No! Oh! 512 00:14:51,959 --> 00:14:53,626 [ Breathing heavily ] 513 00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:56,763 [ Grunts ] 514 00:14:56,796 --> 00:15:00,867 They just put some toilet paper in your yard. 515 00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,802 Why would he do this to us, Mother? 516 00:15:02,835 --> 00:15:04,204 It was an accident! 517 00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:06,940 [ Sobbing ] Where's Fluffy?! I can't find Fluffy! 518 00:15:06,974 --> 00:15:09,042 Don't worry! I'll help you find her! 519 00:15:09,076 --> 00:15:10,543 [ Silly string hisses ] My eye! 520 00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:12,279 Go in the house! Go in the house! 521 00:15:16,283 --> 00:15:17,484 Oh, why do I feel so energized? 522 00:15:17,517 --> 00:15:19,486 Because you honored your primal male instinct to build. 523 00:15:19,519 --> 00:15:21,488 Yeah. Where once lay barren fields, 524 00:15:21,521 --> 00:15:24,591 because of men like us, now gleaming cities stand. 525 00:15:24,624 --> 00:15:26,426 And what is a city, but -- 526 00:15:26,459 --> 00:15:29,296 A closet for civilization. 527 00:15:29,329 --> 00:15:32,299 This is the proudest damn moment of my life. Ah. 528 00:15:32,332 --> 00:15:33,800 [ Siren wailing ] 529 00:15:33,833 --> 00:15:34,901 Oof. 530 00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:37,137 That brings back painful memories. 531 00:15:37,170 --> 00:15:38,471 [ Wailing continues ] 532 00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:41,574 Huh, seems to be turning down our street. 533 00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:43,510 [ Police radio chatter ] Well, what do you know? 534 00:15:43,543 --> 00:15:46,846 This crystal in the middle acted like a magnifying glass. 535 00:15:46,879 --> 00:15:47,914 Mr. Pritchett... Yeah. 536 00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:49,816 ...this is the second time in two months. 537 00:15:49,849 --> 00:15:51,151 We love that you're a fan, 538 00:15:51,184 --> 00:15:53,453 but maybe you should just buy a calendar. 539 00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:55,522 I'm sorry, Mitch. I feel really bad. 540 00:15:55,555 --> 00:15:57,257 Do you think maybe you could tell Cam? 541 00:15:57,290 --> 00:15:59,326 Oh, I don't work here anymore. 542 00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:06,699 Phil? Honey? 543 00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:07,767 Claire. 544 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,869 There's no sense in hiding it. 545 00:16:09,902 --> 00:16:12,039 [ Car door closes ] I did buy a giant pumpkin. 546 00:16:12,072 --> 00:16:13,840 I puzzled that one out. 547 00:16:13,873 --> 00:16:15,342 You're right. 548 00:16:15,375 --> 00:16:17,177 I'm a Halloween-obsessed child-man. 549 00:16:17,210 --> 00:16:18,611 Do you want to feel better? 550 00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:20,047 I took zombies to work, okay? 551 00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:22,115 And it died so hard. 552 00:16:22,149 --> 00:16:24,384 Oh, my God, to be pitied by Margaret... 553 00:16:24,417 --> 00:16:26,219 I guess the kids are right. [ Sighs ] 554 00:16:26,253 --> 00:16:28,055 It's time for us to start acting like adults. 555 00:16:28,088 --> 00:16:30,890 We can have dinner parties, see plays, open IRAs. 556 00:16:30,923 --> 00:16:32,292 We have IRAs, right? 557 00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:34,027 Rude awakening, Claire. 558 00:16:34,061 --> 00:16:35,795 You think you're the fun-loving dad, 559 00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:39,232 putting smiles on faces, keeping childhood alive. 560 00:16:39,266 --> 00:16:41,068 Turns out you're just the weird guy 561 00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:43,203 barreling down a driveway in a pumpkin-tank. 562 00:16:43,236 --> 00:16:47,240 Phil, I command you to stop speaking like that. 563 00:16:47,274 --> 00:16:49,209 Please let me have my feelings for one second. 564 00:16:49,242 --> 00:16:51,311 No, come on, turn around. Seriously. It's good. 565 00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:53,246 Wonder Woman? 566 00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:55,982 Yes! And I have plans for you! 567 00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:58,551 Who cares what anybody thinks? 568 00:16:58,585 --> 00:17:00,653 Screw the kids. Screw everybody at work. 569 00:17:00,687 --> 00:17:03,390 We'll give up Halloween when we are good and ready. 570 00:17:03,423 --> 00:17:05,225 Who are you guys supposed to be? 571 00:17:05,258 --> 00:17:07,060 Who your parents wish they were. 572 00:17:08,895 --> 00:17:10,830 Alex: Ending things with Ben did not go well. 573 00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:11,864 He kept giving me openings, 574 00:17:11,898 --> 00:17:13,500 and I just couldn't pull the trigger. 575 00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:15,668 Why do I keep eating this stale bread? 576 00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:16,603 Do you ever do that? 577 00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:17,737 Like, you know something's bad, 578 00:17:17,770 --> 00:17:19,038 but you just keep going in for more 579 00:17:19,072 --> 00:17:20,573 'cause it's the only thing in front of you? 580 00:17:20,607 --> 00:17:21,674 Mm-hmm. 581 00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:23,543 Uh, hey, this is gonna sound really gross, 582 00:17:23,576 --> 00:17:25,011 but I have a Band-Aid on my hand, 583 00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:27,614 it's on a super-hairy spot, and I know it's gonna sting. 584 00:17:27,647 --> 00:17:29,549 Would you take it off for me, please? 585 00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:30,250 And do it fast. 586 00:17:30,283 --> 00:17:31,184 If I'm gonna be hurt, 587 00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:32,319 I just want to get it over with. 588 00:17:34,087 --> 00:17:35,255 I want to break up. Ow! 589 00:17:35,288 --> 00:17:36,689 Whew! 590 00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:37,690 Ready to order? 591 00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:39,759 Uh, did you not just hear what I said? 592 00:17:39,792 --> 00:17:41,428 No. What? 593 00:17:41,461 --> 00:17:42,929 I want to break up. Ah-choo! 594 00:17:42,962 --> 00:17:44,131 Whew! 595 00:17:44,164 --> 00:17:45,798 So, I'm thinking nachos. 596 00:17:45,832 --> 00:17:46,699 What about you? 597 00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:47,734 Oh, my God! 598 00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:49,402 I'm breaking up with you! 599 00:17:49,436 --> 00:17:50,437 What? 600 00:17:50,470 --> 00:17:51,638 [ Sighs ] I'm so sorry. 601 00:17:51,671 --> 00:17:54,073 It's been really great, but now it's over. 602 00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:56,143 Please don't make a scene. 603 00:17:56,176 --> 00:17:57,544 I mean, I'm sad, but I get it. 604 00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:59,779 We're in different phases of our lives, 605 00:17:59,812 --> 00:18:02,649 and you live an hour away from me now, 606 00:18:02,682 --> 00:18:03,950 and I made out with my ex 607 00:18:03,983 --> 00:18:05,885 last weekend at the closet convention, 608 00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,120 so how committed am I? 609 00:18:07,154 --> 00:18:09,656 Plus that tension between you and Muh-ma -- Oy. 610 00:18:09,689 --> 00:18:10,957 You cheated on me?! 611 00:18:10,990 --> 00:18:12,225 We were drunk, okay? 612 00:18:12,259 --> 00:18:13,726 And she was really upset 613 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,962 'cause she had to drop her daughter off at college. 614 00:18:15,995 --> 00:18:16,796 [ Thuds ] 615 00:18:16,829 --> 00:18:17,997 You suck! 616 00:18:18,030 --> 00:18:20,167 To think I wasted so much time 617 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:22,635 on such a weepy, clingy, Pez-eating snore! 618 00:18:22,669 --> 00:18:25,672 I can't believe I sat there and pretended to be a doll 619 00:18:25,705 --> 00:18:27,240 as you brushed my hair! 620 00:18:27,274 --> 00:18:28,441 [ Crowd murmuring ] 621 00:18:28,475 --> 00:18:31,478 You are almost the worst boyfriend I have ever had! 622 00:18:31,511 --> 00:18:34,314 Okay, Alex wins most embarrassing day. 623 00:18:34,347 --> 00:18:35,815 [ Cellphone chimes ] 624 00:18:35,848 --> 00:18:37,850 [ Chuckles ] Not so fast. 625 00:18:37,884 --> 00:18:40,253 Look at these two ding dongs. 626 00:18:40,287 --> 00:18:43,456 Is that Mom and Dad in a giant "punkin"? 627 00:18:43,490 --> 00:18:46,092 Well, at least we didn't get dragged into it this time. 628 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,294 Thank God. 629 00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:50,129 [ Scoffs ] Yep. Because we got stuff goin' on. 630 00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:52,432 [ All chuckle ] 631 00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:54,601 [ Sighs ] 632 00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:56,969 Cam... 633 00:18:57,003 --> 00:18:58,838 I'm sure that there were better ways 634 00:18:58,871 --> 00:19:01,441 for me to say what I said. 635 00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:03,343 You're packing my face creams. 636 00:19:03,376 --> 00:19:04,611 No need to apologize. 637 00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:06,479 I know I crossed boundaries. 638 00:19:06,513 --> 00:19:07,647 It's how I grew up. 639 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:09,316 Nobody had secrets from anybody. 640 00:19:09,349 --> 00:19:11,284 At high-school parties, we just played Dare. 641 00:19:11,318 --> 00:19:12,485 I know the feeling. 642 00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:13,953 I grew up in a small town myself. 643 00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:15,855 We had to bring in a stranger 644 00:19:15,888 --> 00:19:18,991 so that the children could learn who not to talk to. 645 00:19:19,025 --> 00:19:20,393 You know, I have to say, 646 00:19:20,427 --> 00:19:22,462 sometimes your hometown stories sound a little made-up. 647 00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:24,030 I am sorry that I was mean, 648 00:19:24,063 --> 00:19:25,232 and I am sorry 649 00:19:25,265 --> 00:19:27,834 that you don't have the biggest pumpkin anymore. 650 00:19:27,867 --> 00:19:30,870 It's not even about having the record anymore. 651 00:19:30,903 --> 00:19:33,706 I-It's just how I kept the small town alive in me. 652 00:19:33,740 --> 00:19:35,342 Probably dumb. No. 653 00:19:35,375 --> 00:19:38,478 It's hard when you have to leave a place you love. 654 00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:41,581 Every year, it feels like more of it fades away. 655 00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:43,750 I get very sad because I know 656 00:19:43,783 --> 00:19:47,654 that my accent is almost completely gone. 657 00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:49,489 Anyway, I-I should go. 658 00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:51,358 Wait. I have something for you. 659 00:19:53,393 --> 00:19:56,329 A pumpkin seed? [ Chuckles ] 660 00:19:56,363 --> 00:20:00,032 I think it can be next year's record-breaker. 661 00:20:00,066 --> 00:20:01,934 Oh, my... Gloria... 662 00:20:01,968 --> 00:20:03,002 [ Chuckles ] 663 00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:04,070 Okay! 664 00:20:04,103 --> 00:20:05,838 -All right, all right! -Oh, my gosh! 665 00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:07,073 Oh, my God! 666 00:20:07,106 --> 00:20:09,175 We're floating in a vegetable! 667 00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:10,343 In a giant vegetable! 668 00:20:10,377 --> 00:20:11,678 [ Laughs ] 669 00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:14,046 Phil: As families get older, you have two options -- 670 00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:15,748 you can force everyone together, 671 00:20:15,782 --> 00:20:18,084 or you can accept that traditions die 672 00:20:18,117 --> 00:20:19,919 and people move on. 673 00:20:19,952 --> 00:20:23,356 Unless you happen to have a giant pumpkin. 674 00:20:23,390 --> 00:20:25,525 Hey! What are you guys doing here? 675 00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:26,626 We got the hint. 676 00:20:26,659 --> 00:20:28,361 It wasn't gonna be fun unless we were here, too, 677 00:20:28,395 --> 00:20:29,696 so we tracked your phones. 678 00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:30,963 Cam says the record 679 00:20:30,997 --> 00:20:33,600 for the North American 50-yard pumpkin dash is 18 seconds. 680 00:20:33,633 --> 00:20:35,468 I think we can do it! Oh, I know we can do it! 681 00:20:35,502 --> 00:20:36,469 Time us! Let's do it! 682 00:20:36,503 --> 00:20:37,570 Alex: Okay! Haley: Okay! 683 00:20:37,604 --> 00:20:40,707 You can do it! Beat that 18 seconds! 684 00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:41,974 [ Indistinct shouting ] You're so close! 685 00:20:42,008 --> 00:20:43,643 [ Shouting continues ] 686 00:20:43,676 --> 00:20:45,478 Whoo! 687 00:20:45,512 --> 00:20:46,546 Wait! There -- row it there! 688 00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:48,381 Okay. Did we do it? Was that 18 seconds? 689 00:20:48,415 --> 00:20:49,716 5 minutes. 690 00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:50,783 Still close! 691 00:20:55,822 --> 00:20:57,223 All right, here's what happened -- 692 00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:59,426 right after you sent the text saying the kitchen was done, 693 00:20:59,459 --> 00:21:01,461 the inspector popped in for a little surprise visit, 694 00:21:01,494 --> 00:21:02,895 nails us with four violations, 695 00:21:02,929 --> 00:21:04,631 which pushes us back for a couple of weeks now. 696 00:21:04,664 --> 00:21:05,798 Blame me. 697 00:21:05,832 --> 00:21:07,634 I can take the hit from Cam. 698 00:21:07,667 --> 00:21:08,801 You stay with Claire 699 00:21:08,835 --> 00:21:10,770 'cause I can't take the hit from Gloria. 700 00:21:10,803 --> 00:21:12,739 Right. Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup! 701 00:21:12,772 --> 00:21:15,107 Not a word. I do all the talking. 702 00:21:15,141 --> 00:21:16,108 Because you're a terrible liar. 703 00:21:16,142 --> 00:21:18,177 Hey. There you are. 704 00:21:18,210 --> 00:21:19,746 Good day? Mm-hmm. 705 00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:21,280 Mm-hmm? What -- What's that supposed to mean? 706 00:21:21,314 --> 00:21:22,615 You only say that when you're guilty. 707 00:21:22,649 --> 00:21:23,816 [ Sniffs ] You smell like smoke. 708 00:21:23,850 --> 00:21:25,485 Oh, my God, did you burn the kitchen down again? 709 00:21:25,518 --> 00:21:28,321 It's like you don't want me to help you!