1 00:00:01,369 --> 00:00:03,404 What was my best brush with celebrity? 2 00:00:03,504 --> 00:00:06,006 Oh, this is such a good one. 3 00:00:06,107 --> 00:00:08,276 One time I saw Jack Nicholson at the car wash. 4 00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:09,843 I can't go through this again. 5 00:00:09,943 --> 00:00:12,012 Jack Nicholson does not drive a Hyundai Odyssey 6 00:00:12,113 --> 00:00:14,215 with a Co-Exist bumper sticker, Cam. 7 00:00:14,315 --> 00:00:15,883 Being in the closet business, 8 00:00:15,983 --> 00:00:17,618 I met a lot of famous people. 9 00:00:17,718 --> 00:00:19,120 I can't name names, 10 00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:21,222 but let's just say it's someone who's the boss. 11 00:00:21,322 --> 00:00:22,590 You met Bruce Springsteen? 12 00:00:22,690 --> 00:00:25,025 No, Tony Danza. Oh, from the TV show? 13 00:00:25,126 --> 00:00:26,560 Nah, she was the boss. 14 00:00:26,660 --> 00:00:28,729 It's open to interpretation. 15 00:00:28,829 --> 00:00:31,532 I saw Santa Claus at the mall. 16 00:00:33,234 --> 00:00:35,769 "The Unwitting Miss Castle." 17 00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:36,704 What's that about? 18 00:00:36,804 --> 00:00:38,472 It's about three persecuted women 19 00:00:38,572 --> 00:00:39,873 in different time periods, 20 00:00:39,973 --> 00:00:42,243 or one time traveler with incredibly bad luck. 21 00:00:42,343 --> 00:00:43,377 I don't know which. 22 00:00:43,477 --> 00:00:45,113 Somehow, I was able to join 23 00:00:45,213 --> 00:00:46,647 a very exclusive book club 24 00:00:46,747 --> 00:00:48,816 filled with the most intelligent women. 25 00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:50,884 I can never seem to impress them. 26 00:00:50,984 --> 00:00:52,820 They use words like "sanguine." 27 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:55,089 I don't want to look like an idiot, so I use it, too. 28 00:00:55,189 --> 00:00:58,292 Isn't that the most sanguine thing you ever heard? 29 00:00:58,992 --> 00:01:01,262 You're not using it right. 30 00:01:01,362 --> 00:01:03,497 CLAIRE: I've read the same chapter eight times -- 31 00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:04,898 still don't get it. 32 00:01:04,998 --> 00:01:07,401 Just say, "It holds a mirror up to society." 33 00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:09,770 You'll get your "C" and get out of there. 34 00:01:09,870 --> 00:01:11,439 Huh. 35 00:01:11,539 --> 00:01:13,507 Good morning. Hi. 36 00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:15,176 Who's that young thing? 37 00:01:15,276 --> 00:01:18,146 Wow, what's up with the outfit, Mod Squad? 38 00:01:18,246 --> 00:01:19,413 Oh, yeah, I'm, uh... 39 00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:20,514 I'm showing a house to someone. 40 00:01:20,614 --> 00:01:21,582 Oh. 41 00:01:21,682 --> 00:01:22,683 I'd rather not say who it is. 42 00:01:22,783 --> 00:01:23,684 I totally get that. 43 00:01:23,784 --> 00:01:25,519 It's Chris Martin from Coldplay. 44 00:01:25,619 --> 00:01:28,122 (gasps) Come on, really? It's not a big deal. 45 00:01:28,222 --> 00:01:29,623 Says the man who spent most of last night 46 00:01:29,723 --> 00:01:30,991 sewing that flower onto his jeans. 47 00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:32,160 Okay, it's a really big deal. 48 00:01:32,260 --> 00:01:33,594 I'm meeting the man who sings how I feel. 49 00:01:33,694 --> 00:01:36,597 Yes, his music is so sanguine. 50 00:01:36,697 --> 00:01:37,598 Eh, closer. 51 00:01:37,698 --> 00:01:39,467 Never been a big Coldplay guy. 52 00:01:39,567 --> 00:01:41,635 I'm more into hip-hop, death metal, 53 00:01:41,735 --> 00:01:43,036 "Little Mermaid." 54 00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:45,373 That one really imprinted on me back in the day. 55 00:01:45,473 --> 00:01:47,608 My stomach feels weird. 56 00:01:47,708 --> 00:01:49,143 You're probably just nervous. 57 00:01:49,243 --> 00:01:50,844 Ooh, maybe you need someone to come with you. 58 00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:52,846 No, he's there to buy a house, not talk about music, 59 00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:54,114 which is why I'm not even gonna mention 60 00:01:54,215 --> 00:01:55,149 that I'm a songwriter, too. 61 00:01:55,249 --> 00:01:56,184 Oh, you wrote one song. 62 00:01:56,284 --> 00:01:57,851 I said everything I had to say. 63 00:01:57,951 --> 00:01:58,952 About a realtor. 64 00:01:59,052 --> 00:02:00,120 It was about life! 65 00:02:00,221 --> 00:02:02,856 This is why they mock you at book club. 66 00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:09,129 ** 67 00:02:09,230 --> 00:02:15,303 ** 68 00:02:15,403 --> 00:02:16,837 Oh, here's a brush with celebrity 69 00:02:16,937 --> 00:02:18,138 I can actually talk about. 70 00:02:18,239 --> 00:02:20,007 Last summer, I was called upon 71 00:02:20,107 --> 00:02:22,876 to participate in the most American of traditions -- 72 00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:24,478 getting out of jury duty. 73 00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:27,415 Do you have any experience with law enforcement? 74 00:02:27,515 --> 00:02:30,050 Big time. I-I don't trust, uh, cops. 75 00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:32,220 Also, I despise robbery victims. 76 00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:33,687 They're the real criminals 77 00:02:33,787 --> 00:02:35,088 for clogging up our court system. 78 00:02:35,189 --> 00:02:36,357 Nice try, Juror 3. 79 00:02:36,457 --> 00:02:38,058 What about economic hardship? 80 00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:39,560 The last time I missed work, 81 00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:41,829 the California closet market collapsed. 82 00:02:41,929 --> 00:02:43,831 Some people think that caused the L.A. riots. 83 00:02:43,931 --> 00:02:45,566 (moans) 84 00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:46,834 I must be done talking. 85 00:02:46,934 --> 00:02:48,402 I'm going into labor. 86 00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:50,271 Ma'am, Ma'am, everything's gonna be all right. 87 00:02:50,371 --> 00:02:52,172 Bailiff, help Juror 11 with anything she needs, 88 00:02:52,273 --> 00:02:54,174 and bring in the next alternate. 89 00:02:54,275 --> 00:02:56,043 Uh, as her Lamaze coach, 90 00:02:56,143 --> 00:02:58,111 I think I should probably be out in the hall wi-- 91 00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:03,884 Terry Bradshaw. 92 00:03:03,984 --> 00:03:05,453 I love Terry Bradshaw! 93 00:03:05,553 --> 00:03:08,456 Juror 11, is there anything that might prevent you 94 00:03:08,556 --> 00:03:10,591 from serving effectively on this jury? 95 00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:12,526 No scheduling conflicts, Your Honor. 96 00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:14,928 However, I am going through 97 00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:16,430 kind of a rough patch right now. 98 00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:17,931 You see, I lost my best friend. 99 00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:19,800 Or did he just find one? 100 00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:21,269 But I'm happy to serve. 101 00:03:21,369 --> 00:03:23,404 I believe in the American legal system, 102 00:03:23,504 --> 00:03:25,439 and I believe it's all about teamwork. 103 00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:26,874 (claps) 104 00:03:26,974 --> 00:03:29,277 That's a touchdown of an answer, champ. 105 00:03:29,377 --> 00:03:30,711 Uh, this lady here... 106 00:03:30,811 --> 00:03:32,646 put me down for that. 107 00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:35,383 Are you ready for some justice? 108 00:03:37,651 --> 00:03:38,786 Oh, my God. 109 00:03:38,886 --> 00:03:40,554 GLORIA: What? A celebrity? 110 00:03:40,654 --> 00:03:43,223 It's Sam Anvilmaker. Who? 111 00:03:43,324 --> 00:03:44,658 He wrote "The Forgetters and the Forgotten"? 112 00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:46,226 "Farce, American Style"? 113 00:03:46,327 --> 00:03:47,928 "Screw You For Reading This"? 114 00:03:48,028 --> 00:03:49,062 What the hell is happening? 115 00:03:49,162 --> 00:03:50,431 Yes, that one, too! 116 00:03:50,531 --> 00:03:52,266 He's my favorite playwright. 117 00:03:52,366 --> 00:03:54,101 Why don't you go and tell him that you're a fan? 118 00:03:54,201 --> 00:03:55,669 Maybe he can give you some advice. 119 00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:57,971 No, no, I wouldn't want to bother him. 120 00:03:58,071 --> 00:03:59,673 He's notoriously private. 121 00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:01,309 He writes in a hollowed-out tree 122 00:04:01,409 --> 00:04:02,410 somewhere in Montana. 123 00:04:02,510 --> 00:04:03,577 Don't be nervous. 124 00:04:03,677 --> 00:04:05,178 It just doesn't feel right. 125 00:04:05,279 --> 00:04:07,315 Manny, if somebody admired my work as much as this, 126 00:04:07,415 --> 00:04:08,782 I would like to know. 127 00:04:08,882 --> 00:04:09,983 (sighs) 128 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:11,985 Go. Okay. 129 00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:13,521 Here we go. 130 00:04:17,358 --> 00:04:20,260 Uh, excuse me, Mr. Anvilmaker? Let me guess -- 131 00:04:20,361 --> 00:04:22,863 I'm the reason you want to be a writer. 132 00:04:22,963 --> 00:04:24,197 Yeah, actually. 133 00:04:24,298 --> 00:04:25,866 Your first play changed the way that I looked at -- 134 00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:26,967 Listen, kid. 135 00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:28,636 I'm not here to collect panties 136 00:04:28,736 --> 00:04:30,203 with phone numbers on them. 137 00:04:30,304 --> 00:04:32,373 I'm here to experience the cold absurdity 138 00:04:32,473 --> 00:04:34,375 that is being alive. 139 00:04:34,475 --> 00:04:38,011 So go and find someone else to venerate. 140 00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:41,715 Oh, uh... sorry for bothering you. 141 00:04:41,815 --> 00:04:43,016 Here's a writing tip -- 142 00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:44,685 show me you're sorry for bothering me. 143 00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:46,354 Don't tell me. 144 00:04:46,454 --> 00:04:47,855 GLORIA: Okay, let's take a picture 145 00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:49,056 of the two new best friends. 146 00:04:49,156 --> 00:04:50,290 Come together. 147 00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:52,826 I should never have left my tree. 148 00:04:52,926 --> 00:04:54,728 And then, I saw Daniel Day-Lewis 149 00:04:54,828 --> 00:04:55,863 at our dry cleaner. 150 00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:58,165 Not him. No. 151 00:04:58,265 --> 00:05:00,167 Uh, the time we actually saw a celebrity 152 00:05:00,267 --> 00:05:01,535 was last December 153 00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:03,236 when we were shopping for gardening supplies. 154 00:05:03,337 --> 00:05:05,573 I'll never forget the feeling of having Lincoln 155 00:05:05,673 --> 00:05:09,176 look directly into my eyes and saying, 156 00:05:09,276 --> 00:05:13,647 "We couldn't get the barbecue sauce out." 157 00:05:13,747 --> 00:05:15,082 CAMERON: We both don't need a pair. 158 00:05:15,182 --> 00:05:16,417 We can just share these. 159 00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:17,718 And what if I want my own? 160 00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:19,086 (scoffs) We share everything. 161 00:05:19,186 --> 00:05:20,354 We share a toothbrush. 162 00:05:20,454 --> 00:05:21,989 We do? Oh... Oh, my -- Oh, my gosh. 163 00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:23,090 Hm? There's the guy who hosts 164 00:05:23,190 --> 00:05:24,492 that home makeover show we love so much. 165 00:05:24,592 --> 00:05:25,493 What? Where? It's Scott Hunter. 166 00:05:25,593 --> 00:05:27,227 Scott Hunter is right over there. (gasps) 167 00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:28,596 Every week, Scott Hunter, 168 00:05:28,696 --> 00:05:30,564 the host of "I Beg Your Garden," 169 00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:33,000 selects an unsuspecting couple at a home store. 170 00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:35,736 Yeah, he taps them on the shoulder and says, 171 00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:36,937 "I beg your garden." 172 00:05:37,037 --> 00:05:38,572 What?! Oh, my God! I can't believe it! 173 00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:40,273 That's how it goes every time. 174 00:05:40,374 --> 00:05:41,542 Every time. 175 00:05:41,642 --> 00:05:43,010 Where are the cameras? I know. 176 00:05:43,110 --> 00:05:44,277 I wish I would've worn something more colorful. 177 00:05:44,378 --> 00:05:45,345 Okay, you know what? 178 00:05:45,446 --> 00:05:46,780 We have to get on the show. 179 00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:48,716 Can you imagine a backyard makeover, 180 00:05:48,816 --> 00:05:50,217 what he would do with ours? 181 00:05:50,317 --> 00:05:51,752 Yeah, one word, three syllables, 182 00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:53,754 starts with "gah," ends with "zebo." 183 00:05:55,055 --> 00:05:56,123 Gazebo. 184 00:05:56,223 --> 00:05:57,791 I love gazebos. I do, too! 185 00:05:57,891 --> 00:05:59,793 Now that I'm thinking about it, I have to have one. 186 00:05:59,927 --> 00:06:01,028 Oh, my gosh. Wait, we work hard. 187 00:06:01,128 --> 00:06:02,396 We deserve to stand in the shade 188 00:06:02,496 --> 00:06:03,564 a few inches off the ground. Yeah. 189 00:06:03,664 --> 00:06:04,565 Okay, you know what? 190 00:06:04,665 --> 00:06:05,966 Let's go get tapped. Okay. 191 00:06:06,066 --> 00:06:07,100 (laughs quietly) 192 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,269 Hm, what's over here? 193 00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:10,871 I don't know. 194 00:06:10,971 --> 00:06:11,905 Oh, my gosh, Mitchell, do you like this planter? 195 00:06:12,005 --> 00:06:13,541 It would go great 196 00:06:13,641 --> 00:06:16,043 in our hopelessly outdated and neglected backyard. 197 00:06:16,143 --> 00:06:17,878 I love it if you love it. 198 00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:19,312 And what do you think of these pavers? 199 00:06:19,413 --> 00:06:20,848 Oh, I think they go great with that gazebo 200 00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:21,882 we've always dreamed of having. 201 00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:23,083 Oh, forget it. He's gone. 202 00:06:23,183 --> 00:06:25,653 W-What did we do wrong? We were pleasant. 203 00:06:25,753 --> 00:06:27,888 You know what? Maybe we were too nice. 204 00:06:27,988 --> 00:06:30,257 Couples on those shows always have conflict. 205 00:06:30,357 --> 00:06:31,625 So do we. Yeah. 206 00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:32,893 When's the last time we agreed on anything. 207 00:06:32,993 --> 00:06:34,394 We -- We're constantly bickering. 208 00:06:34,495 --> 00:06:36,396 I know, sometimes it reveals something deeper, 209 00:06:36,497 --> 00:06:38,131 but not always. 210 00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:39,166 You know what? 211 00:06:39,266 --> 00:06:41,268 Let's go show him our delightful brand 212 00:06:41,368 --> 00:06:42,335 of bitchy friction. 213 00:06:42,436 --> 00:06:44,672 I was thinking the exact same thing. 214 00:06:44,772 --> 00:06:46,474 Stop seeing eye-to-eye with me. Sorry, sorry. 215 00:06:46,574 --> 00:06:48,108 Let's go find him and drum up an argument. 216 00:06:48,208 --> 00:06:49,643 Yeah, terrific idea. 217 00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:50,778 I'm not doing it on purpose. 218 00:06:50,878 --> 00:06:51,979 I'm just... 219 00:06:56,349 --> 00:06:57,417 Oh, ow. 220 00:06:57,518 --> 00:06:59,186 What is going on? 221 00:06:59,286 --> 00:07:01,455 My gro -- oy...oh! 222 00:07:01,555 --> 00:07:02,790 This was a nightmare. 223 00:07:02,890 --> 00:07:04,091 I was about to meet my hero, 224 00:07:04,191 --> 00:07:06,159 and I was experiencing this bizarre pain in -- 225 00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:08,996 in my...nether region. 226 00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:10,297 Wait, I'm a grown man. 227 00:07:10,397 --> 00:07:12,165 I should be able to say it -- my left bean bag -- 228 00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:13,166 did it again. 229 00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:14,535 My tersticle -- 230 00:07:14,635 --> 00:07:16,136 That's as close as I think I'm gonna get. 231 00:07:16,236 --> 00:07:17,370 Hello? 232 00:07:17,471 --> 00:07:19,139 Hey, hey! 233 00:07:19,239 --> 00:07:21,875 Welcome, welcome, welcome. 234 00:07:21,975 --> 00:07:23,176 Phil. Hey, I'm Chris. 235 00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:24,377 Oh! Hey, what's wrong? 236 00:07:24,478 --> 00:07:25,779 Oh, nothing. 237 00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:28,048 (sighs) You thought I'd be better looking. 238 00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:29,983 People think that because the rest of the band 239 00:07:30,083 --> 00:07:31,351 look like hobbits. No, no, no. 240 00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:32,720 It's -- It's a little -- Hey. 241 00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:34,054 I love your flower jeans. Oh. 242 00:07:34,154 --> 00:07:35,288 Where did you get those? 243 00:07:35,388 --> 00:07:36,890 They're from a store. 244 00:07:36,990 --> 00:07:38,959 Well, they're very me. They're very me. 245 00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:40,193 Do you remember the name of the store? 246 00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:42,029 Actually, I embroidered them myself. 247 00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:43,497 Impressive. 248 00:07:43,597 --> 00:07:45,065 When you're ready for it, 249 00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:46,166 you get a T-shirt, 250 00:07:46,266 --> 00:07:47,868 you put it on top of a long-sleeve, 251 00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:50,738 then it lets everybody know you own multiple shirts. 252 00:07:50,838 --> 00:07:52,072 Impressive. 253 00:07:52,172 --> 00:07:55,876 (British accent) So, mate, shall we have a trod-a-bout? 254 00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:57,144 I'm flattered. 255 00:07:57,244 --> 00:07:58,646 I'd rather just keep it professional, 256 00:07:58,746 --> 00:07:59,747 have a walk around. 257 00:07:59,847 --> 00:08:01,915 (normal voice) Oh, that's not what...Oi... 258 00:08:02,015 --> 00:08:03,717 (grunts) 259 00:08:04,552 --> 00:08:08,689 (indistinct conversations) 260 00:08:08,789 --> 00:08:10,390 Terry was just sitting there by himself 261 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:11,892 because everybody's always afraid 262 00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:13,260 to talk to the prettiest girl, 263 00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:14,828 except this guy. 264 00:08:14,928 --> 00:08:16,664 It's all about confidence. 265 00:08:16,764 --> 00:08:18,098 (high-pitched) Excuse me, Mr. -- 266 00:08:18,198 --> 00:08:19,232 (clears throat) 267 00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:20,701 (normal voice) Excuse me, Mr. Bradshaw. 268 00:08:20,801 --> 00:08:22,235 Jay Pritchett, juror number 3. 269 00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:23,537 Terry. Call me Terry. 270 00:08:23,637 --> 00:08:24,938 How you doing, Terry? Hi. Good. You? 271 00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:26,439 Hey, this robbery case, huh? 272 00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:28,441 Now, I know we don't have all the facts yet, 273 00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:31,679 but I think it might be hard for me to lock up a..."Steeler." 274 00:08:31,779 --> 00:08:33,213 (laughs) 275 00:08:33,313 --> 00:08:34,715 I try to keep it light. 276 00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:36,049 You mind if I join you? 277 00:08:36,149 --> 00:08:37,785 No, no, no, free country. Sit down. 278 00:08:37,885 --> 00:08:39,519 He said "yes"! 279 00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:40,954 The '70s, it was a better game. 280 00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:42,856 You guys did everything -- offense, defense. 281 00:08:42,956 --> 00:08:46,359 Didn't I see you mow the field one night before the game? 282 00:08:46,459 --> 00:08:48,228 You know, that's how I made my money? (laughs) 283 00:08:48,328 --> 00:08:49,797 I can't actually believe 284 00:08:49,897 --> 00:08:51,799 that I'm having lunch with Terry Bradshaw. 285 00:08:51,899 --> 00:08:53,601 I mean, from football fame 286 00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:56,737 to country music stardom to big-screen idol. 287 00:08:56,837 --> 00:08:58,105 "Smokey and the Bandit II." 288 00:08:58,205 --> 00:08:59,707 Now that was a challenge. 289 00:08:59,807 --> 00:09:00,974 To play yourself, 290 00:09:01,074 --> 00:09:02,142 that can be kind of tricky. 291 00:09:02,242 --> 00:09:03,711 I thought you stole the movie. 292 00:09:03,811 --> 00:09:05,312 Ah, stop that. You're too kind. 293 00:09:05,412 --> 00:09:07,615 You know, not everything I touch turns to gold. 294 00:09:07,715 --> 00:09:09,717 I mean, I've had my share of missteps along the way. 295 00:09:09,817 --> 00:09:11,251 (laughs) Well, right, like "Failure to Launch," right? 296 00:09:11,351 --> 00:09:13,120 Sorry? You should be. 297 00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:15,222 I mean, that thing was a real stinker. 298 00:09:15,322 --> 00:09:16,824 I happen to be proud of that movie. 299 00:09:16,924 --> 00:09:19,126 I mean, that's some of the best work I've ever done. 300 00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:20,493 No, you were good, yeah. 301 00:09:20,594 --> 00:09:22,395 But, I mean, don't worry about it. Nobody saw it. 302 00:09:22,495 --> 00:09:24,397 Yeah, well. 303 00:09:24,497 --> 00:09:27,167 Guess it's about time we get on back in, huh? 304 00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:28,902 Same time tomorrow. 305 00:09:29,002 --> 00:09:30,170 Hey, I'm wide open. 306 00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:32,740 Like in football. 307 00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:35,743 (indistinct conversations) 308 00:09:36,677 --> 00:09:38,612 Nobody speaks to my son like that. 309 00:09:38,712 --> 00:09:40,313 No, no, Mom, Mom, Mom. 310 00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:42,650 Please don't get up and make a scene and embarrass me more. 311 00:09:42,750 --> 00:09:43,751 I'm begging you. 312 00:09:43,851 --> 00:09:45,753 Okay, but you don't have to block me in. 313 00:09:45,853 --> 00:09:46,787 I am not crazy. 314 00:09:46,887 --> 00:09:48,488 I am not the hot-headed Latina 315 00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,090 that you all make me out to be. 316 00:09:50,190 --> 00:09:52,626 You sent a cow heart to a children's soccer referee. 317 00:09:52,726 --> 00:09:55,028 Manny, what else was I supposed to do? 318 00:09:55,128 --> 00:09:56,930 Look, what happened was a good thing. 319 00:09:57,030 --> 00:09:58,766 He was teaching me the focus required 320 00:09:58,866 --> 00:10:00,333 to live the life of an artist, 321 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:02,102 and that is a very valuable lesson 322 00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:04,604 that I'll cherish forever. 323 00:10:04,705 --> 00:10:07,474 Okay, Papi, if you're happy, then I'm happy. 324 00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:10,310 Why don't you pick your dessert? 325 00:10:12,545 --> 00:10:14,447 Hmm. I wouldn't say no to an almond cookie 326 00:10:14,547 --> 00:10:15,615 and an espresso and... 327 00:10:15,716 --> 00:10:17,517 you're gone, aren't you? 328 00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:18,986 SAM: Honey, I'll take another -- 329 00:10:19,086 --> 00:10:20,120 Shut up. 330 00:10:20,220 --> 00:10:21,388 That's my son over there. 331 00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:23,691 He opened his beautiful soul to you, 332 00:10:23,791 --> 00:10:26,526 to praise you, to get some advice from you, 333 00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:27,661 and you were mean to him? 334 00:10:27,761 --> 00:10:30,063 Come on, we both know that your attitude 335 00:10:30,163 --> 00:10:31,799 is just a defense mechanism 336 00:10:31,899 --> 00:10:34,501 to protect the tiny, little ego 337 00:10:34,601 --> 00:10:36,336 from the truth -- 338 00:10:36,436 --> 00:10:38,906 that you don't deserve any praise, 339 00:10:39,006 --> 00:10:40,407 that you're a fraud, 340 00:10:40,507 --> 00:10:45,045 that you're just a big, fat nobody. 341 00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:48,916 (whimpers) 342 00:10:49,016 --> 00:10:52,052 (cries) 343 00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:54,087 All men break the same. 344 00:11:05,733 --> 00:11:07,500 What's happening? What is all this? 345 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,669 Go up the next aisle. Okay. 346 00:11:12,605 --> 00:11:13,774 Oh, God, 347 00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:15,542 I'm loving these new pavers we picked. 348 00:11:15,642 --> 00:11:17,845 You know what, I'm starting to have second thoughts. 349 00:11:17,945 --> 00:11:19,212 Oh, no, this isn't gonna be 350 00:11:19,312 --> 00:11:20,914 another conflict between us, is it? 351 00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:22,850 Oh, gosh, I don't want another conflict. 352 00:11:22,950 --> 00:11:24,284 Oh, that's pretty. Okay... 353 00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:27,721 Okay, you're -- you're not actually putting 354 00:11:27,821 --> 00:11:29,957 a reclaimed wood piece in our cart, are you? 355 00:11:30,057 --> 00:11:30,958 (whispers) That's great, that's great. 356 00:11:31,058 --> 00:11:32,425 No, the whole "reclaimed wood" aesthetic 357 00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:35,295 is an insulting appropriation of barn culture. 358 00:11:35,395 --> 00:11:36,396 No, I'm being serious. 359 00:11:36,496 --> 00:11:38,065 It's like when Madonna wore overalls! 360 00:11:38,165 --> 00:11:40,400 You're good. Mitchell, take it out. I don't want it. 361 00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:42,702 I think it's pretty. I think it's pretty offensive. 362 00:11:42,803 --> 00:11:44,104 Okay, rein it in. 363 00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:46,139 Oh, there she is, Mother Superior. 364 00:11:46,239 --> 00:11:47,540 Okay, Rumple-thinskin. 365 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:48,976 Okay, you know what? I don't need this. 366 00:11:49,076 --> 00:11:50,310 I'm just gonna go wait in the car. 367 00:11:50,410 --> 00:11:51,711 Perfect, yeah, run away. 368 00:11:51,812 --> 00:11:53,413 And just FYI, the reason I like barn wood 369 00:11:53,513 --> 00:11:54,982 is 'cause it reminds me of you. 370 00:11:55,082 --> 00:11:56,116 Really? Yeah. 371 00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:57,985 I mean I-I know that you get homesick sometimes, 372 00:11:58,085 --> 00:11:59,486 and I-I want to bring 373 00:11:59,586 --> 00:12:00,487 a little, you know, country into our house. 374 00:12:00,587 --> 00:12:01,488 I'm sorry. 375 00:12:01,588 --> 00:12:02,823 Didn't mean to offend you. 376 00:12:02,923 --> 00:12:04,157 Oh, you didn't offend me. 377 00:12:04,257 --> 00:12:06,393 I'm just being oversensitive like you said. 378 00:12:06,493 --> 00:12:08,395 (sighs) I'm just being my normal snooty self. 379 00:12:08,495 --> 00:12:10,297 I don't -- I don't know how you put up with me. 380 00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:11,598 I don't know how you put up with me. 381 00:12:11,698 --> 00:12:14,001 I do. Mm. 382 00:12:14,101 --> 00:12:15,102 Excuse me. 383 00:12:15,202 --> 00:12:16,169 Oh. Yes? 384 00:12:16,269 --> 00:12:17,270 Oh, yes? Hi. 385 00:12:17,370 --> 00:12:18,772 I just need to get by. 386 00:12:18,872 --> 00:12:19,840 Okay. Okay. 387 00:12:22,009 --> 00:12:23,777 He didn't say it. 388 00:12:23,877 --> 00:12:25,078 He didn't say it. 389 00:12:25,178 --> 00:12:29,950 And last, but not least, the city at your feet. 390 00:12:30,050 --> 00:12:32,319 Yeah. I'm still kind of flabbergasted 391 00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:33,954 that there's no bubble machine. 392 00:12:34,054 --> 00:12:35,655 It's okay. I can install my own. 393 00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:36,756 (grunts) 394 00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:38,992 Oh, you're judging me? No, no. 395 00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:41,428 (sighs) Maybe you're right. 396 00:12:41,528 --> 00:12:43,163 Maybe I am losing touch with who I am. 397 00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:45,799 All I really need is three chords and a mattress. 398 00:12:45,899 --> 00:12:47,267 And my chef. 399 00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:49,636 (groans) 400 00:12:49,736 --> 00:12:51,538 Uh, hey, Phil, what's happening here? 401 00:12:51,638 --> 00:12:53,340 Oh, not too much. (groans) Phil? 402 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:55,175 Oh, my God, you've gone all yellow. 403 00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:57,110 (laughs) That's like you're song. 404 00:12:57,210 --> 00:13:00,147 Funny thing -- I also like to write mu-- 405 00:13:01,982 --> 00:13:03,616 Phil? 406 00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:09,990 (exhales sharply) 407 00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:11,058 What happened? 408 00:13:11,158 --> 00:13:13,126 Mr. Dunphy, you have acute orchitis. 409 00:13:13,226 --> 00:13:14,661 It's a massively inflamed testicle. 410 00:13:14,761 --> 00:13:16,529 I'm giving you an I.V. bag of antibiotics 411 00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:17,965 and some pain meds because... 412 00:13:18,065 --> 00:13:19,666 (whistles) Oh, boy. 413 00:13:19,766 --> 00:13:21,168 So embarrassed. 414 00:13:21,268 --> 00:13:23,303 I can't believe I passed out in front of a rock star. 415 00:13:23,403 --> 00:13:25,138 Please tell me he didn't know why. 416 00:13:25,238 --> 00:13:26,373 Oh, brilliant, you're awake. 417 00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:27,707 I've got some ice for your biscuits. 418 00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,843 No. No, no, no, no, no! 419 00:13:29,943 --> 00:13:31,244 Oh! Oh, that really -- 420 00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:32,545 Oh, that feels so good. 421 00:13:35,082 --> 00:13:37,150 Terry, can we talk? Please don't shut me out. 422 00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:38,651 I know I messed up, 423 00:13:38,751 --> 00:13:40,153 and I'm so sorry for my... 424 00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:42,389 failure at lunch. 425 00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:45,025 BAILIFF: Sir, please sit down. Do you mind? 426 00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:46,559 Same seats. 427 00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:47,727 JUDGE: Let's proceed. 428 00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:49,329 Juror number 10, 429 00:13:49,429 --> 00:13:51,064 has anyone in your family 430 00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:53,600 ever been the victim of a violent crime? 431 00:13:53,700 --> 00:13:56,369 Well...my mother... 432 00:13:56,469 --> 00:13:57,871 Psst! Not you, keep going. 433 00:13:57,971 --> 00:13:58,906 Oh, actually, 434 00:13:59,006 --> 00:14:00,073 could you tap him on the shoulder? 435 00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:02,442 Juror 11, is this man bothering you? 436 00:14:02,542 --> 00:14:04,077 You talking about the movie critic right here? 437 00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:06,179 Absolutely, he's bothering me! Objection! 438 00:14:06,279 --> 00:14:08,381 I request permission to approach Mr. Bradshaw. 439 00:14:08,481 --> 00:14:10,083 No! I mean, denied! 440 00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:11,718 Look, that's not a thing you can ask. 441 00:14:11,818 --> 00:14:14,287 Your Honor, we'd like to dismiss Juror number 3. 442 00:14:14,387 --> 00:14:15,422 What?! No, no. 443 00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:16,589 I'll be good. I promise. 444 00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:18,791 Sir, you have to leave now. 445 00:14:18,892 --> 00:14:20,060 Fine. 446 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:21,261 I'm going. 447 00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:27,267 I'll be waiting in the parking lot, buddy. 448 00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:29,937 Judge hit me with a restraining order. 449 00:14:30,037 --> 00:14:32,039 But Terry had to sign it. 450 00:14:33,073 --> 00:14:35,775 We're gonna get through this together, Phillip. 451 00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:38,578 I guess I just don't understand why you're here. 452 00:14:38,678 --> 00:14:40,447 Well, because you really reached me back there, 453 00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:42,315 and I realized I got to be more of a regular guy. 454 00:14:42,415 --> 00:14:44,985 Mr. Dunphy, I have your -- Chris Martin. 455 00:14:45,085 --> 00:14:46,819 Wow. I'm a huge fan. 456 00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:48,721 Can I get a picture with you? No. 457 00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:49,957 I want a picture with you. 458 00:14:50,057 --> 00:14:51,091 Come on. (giggles) 459 00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:52,159 Let's do it. 460 00:14:52,259 --> 00:14:54,261 Phil, 25 million followers. 461 00:14:54,361 --> 00:14:55,395 No, thank you. 462 00:14:55,495 --> 00:14:57,064 Uh, I'd love some privacy. All right. 463 00:14:57,164 --> 00:14:58,932 Is there maybe a room opening up? 464 00:14:59,032 --> 00:15:00,133 CLAIRE: Phil? Honey? 465 00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:02,269 I came just as soon as Chris called me. 466 00:15:02,369 --> 00:15:03,403 Hello. 467 00:15:03,503 --> 00:15:04,571 Claire, I've got to say, uh... 468 00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:06,139 (clears throat) You're even more beautiful 469 00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:07,440 than you are in Phil's photos. 470 00:15:07,540 --> 00:15:09,242 Pbht! 471 00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:10,677 I like your music. Well, thank you. 472 00:15:10,777 --> 00:15:12,012 Claire, can I talk to you for one second? 473 00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:13,146 Yes, of course, sweetie, yes. 474 00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:14,781 Yeah. Yeah. 475 00:15:14,881 --> 00:15:16,683 (whispers) I want Chris Martin to leave. 476 00:15:16,783 --> 00:15:18,018 Hm? What? Why? 477 00:15:18,118 --> 00:15:19,919 It's weird that he's here when I'm like this, 478 00:15:20,020 --> 00:15:21,188 and he's attracting attention. 479 00:15:21,288 --> 00:15:24,157 Oh, I don't think... yeah, okay. 480 00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:25,825 DONNA: Claire? Mm... 481 00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:27,594 Oh, you're not gonna like this. 482 00:15:27,694 --> 00:15:29,329 DONNA: This is so exciting! 483 00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:31,298 You invited your book club?! 484 00:15:31,398 --> 00:15:33,266 (giggling) We're huge fans. 485 00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:34,434 Hang on. 486 00:15:34,534 --> 00:15:36,436 A book club sounds kind of regular. 487 00:15:36,536 --> 00:15:38,038 (clears throat) I should join one of those. 488 00:15:38,138 --> 00:15:39,606 There's about to be an opening in ours. 489 00:15:39,706 --> 00:15:41,474 I'm the one who invited you here. 490 00:15:41,574 --> 00:15:43,876 And what are you beautiful, uh, scholars reading? 491 00:15:43,977 --> 00:15:45,778 ANGIE: "The Unwitting Miss Castle." 492 00:15:45,878 --> 00:15:47,814 Mm. I love that book. 493 00:15:47,914 --> 00:15:50,217 Although I did find the fences metaphor 494 00:15:50,317 --> 00:15:51,551 a little mundane. 495 00:15:51,651 --> 00:15:52,986 -Oh, yes. Pretentious. -Completely agree. 496 00:15:53,086 --> 00:15:54,954 I said the exact same thing last week, 497 00:15:55,055 --> 00:15:57,057 and you guys just rolled your eyes at me. 498 00:15:58,158 --> 00:15:59,892 Claire, don't be such a Mrs. Devereaux. 499 00:15:59,993 --> 00:16:01,628 (all giggling) Twinsies! 500 00:16:01,728 --> 00:16:02,795 DONNA: That is so you! Hey, Phil. 501 00:16:02,895 --> 00:16:04,998 Our photo got 25,000 likes. 502 00:16:05,098 --> 00:16:07,234 Phil? Phil? 503 00:16:08,335 --> 00:16:09,502 Ohh... 504 00:16:09,602 --> 00:16:10,837 it's probably all the meds. 505 00:16:10,937 --> 00:16:11,971 I'll handle this. 506 00:16:12,072 --> 00:16:13,373 I've been to Burning Man with Keith Richards. 507 00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:14,641 No, no, no. I'll handle it. 508 00:16:14,741 --> 00:16:17,044 I've been on vacation with my mother. 509 00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:19,846 Hey... 510 00:16:19,946 --> 00:16:22,182 Hey. Where are you off to, stranger? 511 00:16:22,282 --> 00:16:23,983 Honey, I need to be alone. 512 00:16:24,084 --> 00:16:25,252 Oh, honey, I'm sorry I invited 513 00:16:25,352 --> 00:16:26,586 the girls from book club. 514 00:16:26,686 --> 00:16:28,921 It's -- I just wanted them to like me. 515 00:16:29,022 --> 00:16:30,757 (sighs) I can't believe this happened. 516 00:16:30,857 --> 00:16:33,093 This was supposed to be such an amazing day. I know. 517 00:16:33,193 --> 00:16:34,761 Is there anything I can do to make it better? 518 00:16:34,861 --> 00:16:36,096 Yes. 519 00:16:36,196 --> 00:16:38,431 You can make Chris Martin go away, now. 520 00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:40,067 (groans) 521 00:16:40,167 --> 00:16:41,434 I'm so sorry, guys. 522 00:16:41,534 --> 00:16:43,070 I-I didn't mean to cause a -- Oh, no, no, no, no. 523 00:16:43,170 --> 00:16:44,571 It's -- it's not you personally. 524 00:16:44,671 --> 00:16:46,339 No, no, no, it is me. I'm a distraction. 525 00:16:46,439 --> 00:16:47,407 Everyone wants to say "hi" 526 00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:48,541 or they want to take a picture 527 00:16:48,641 --> 00:16:49,842 or they want to sleep with me. 528 00:16:49,942 --> 00:16:52,212 MARIE: They sure do. Shut 'er down, Marie. 529 00:16:52,312 --> 00:16:53,713 And it's a nightmare. 530 00:16:53,813 --> 00:16:55,748 It's beginning to affect my creativity. 531 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,251 The last song I wrote was about my helicopter. 532 00:16:58,351 --> 00:16:59,919 I was too ashamed to release it. 533 00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:01,954 I had to sell it to Qantus for $1 million. 534 00:17:02,055 --> 00:17:04,023 Your problems are so sanguine. 535 00:17:04,124 --> 00:17:05,358 Is that how you use that word? 536 00:17:05,458 --> 00:17:06,759 Nobody knows. 537 00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:08,761 Oh, anyway, I wish there was something I could do 538 00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:09,729 to make this all better. 539 00:17:09,829 --> 00:17:10,797 You could buy that house. 540 00:17:10,897 --> 00:17:11,898 No, Phil. 541 00:17:11,998 --> 00:17:13,300 Thanks to you, that's the old me. 542 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:14,867 Oh, good. 543 00:17:14,967 --> 00:17:16,569 I know something you could do for him. 544 00:17:17,804 --> 00:17:21,108 * You've been looking for your own special space * 545 00:17:21,208 --> 00:17:24,043 * Somewhere you can call your resting place * 546 00:17:25,245 --> 00:17:28,715 * You've been looking for your kids and your spouse * 547 00:17:28,815 --> 00:17:31,818 * It's time time to buy yourself a Dunphy house * 548 00:17:33,486 --> 00:17:37,590 * Oh, Dunphy, Dunphy, Dunphy 549 00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:45,965 * They're affordable and comfy, comfy, comfy * 550 00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:47,934 I can't believe he's actually making it work. 551 00:17:48,034 --> 00:17:51,070 * Oh, Dunphy, Dunphy, Dunphy * 552 00:17:51,171 --> 00:17:52,472 Why would he not pick us? 553 00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:53,806 Yeah, we gave him everything he wants -- 554 00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:55,175 a fight, reconciliation... Yeah. 555 00:17:55,275 --> 00:17:56,576 ...not to mention we're camera-ready. 556 00:17:56,676 --> 00:17:57,910 It's everything TV wants to be. 557 00:17:58,010 --> 00:17:59,312 I mean, what does he want us to do, 558 00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:00,513 write the episode for him? 559 00:18:00,613 --> 00:18:02,682 Yeah, America deserves to see us get a free gazebo. 560 00:18:02,782 --> 00:18:04,184 There he is. 561 00:18:04,284 --> 00:18:05,952 I have half a mind to go over there and confront him. 562 00:18:06,052 --> 00:18:07,120 Yeah, well, I have the other half. 563 00:18:07,220 --> 00:18:08,688 Wait, wait. Hi. 564 00:18:08,788 --> 00:18:09,689 Hi. Hi. 565 00:18:09,789 --> 00:18:10,823 Excuse us. Can I help you guys? 566 00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:12,159 Yeah, how about an explanation? 567 00:18:12,259 --> 00:18:13,793 Why aren't you picking us for your show? 568 00:18:13,893 --> 00:18:15,295 Yeah, what -- are we not sexy enough? 569 00:18:15,395 --> 00:18:16,363 Not young enough for your demo? 570 00:18:16,463 --> 00:18:17,964 Wait, no, is it 'cause we're gay? 571 00:18:18,064 --> 00:18:19,266 You know, I've actually never seen a gay couple 572 00:18:19,366 --> 00:18:20,367 on your little program. 573 00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:22,269 Yeah, or a P.E. teacher-slash-vice principal. 574 00:18:22,369 --> 00:18:24,171 He's literally that. Just tell us why you're not picking us. 575 00:18:24,271 --> 00:18:26,173 Guys, I don't have a show anymore. 576 00:18:26,273 --> 00:18:27,507 Please, we just saw that episode -- Yeah. 577 00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,342 Deb and Don in San Antonio last week? Yeah. 578 00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:31,444 Oh... Don wanted a place to grill. 579 00:18:31,544 --> 00:18:32,945 We got canceled, like, two years ago. What? 580 00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:34,281 What, why? Yeah. 581 00:18:34,381 --> 00:18:35,282 It's such a popular show! I mean... 582 00:18:35,382 --> 00:18:36,383 Look, uh... 583 00:18:36,483 --> 00:18:37,717 (exhales sharply) 584 00:18:37,817 --> 00:18:38,718 The network fired me... 585 00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:40,187 Why? ...when they found out 586 00:18:40,287 --> 00:18:42,054 that I had this website where people paid 587 00:18:42,155 --> 00:18:43,856 to watch me build stuff naked. 588 00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:45,458 Is that so? Yeah. 589 00:18:45,558 --> 00:18:46,793 How naked? Very. 590 00:18:46,893 --> 00:18:47,827 You know what, why are you hanging out 591 00:18:47,927 --> 00:18:48,861 in the aisles of a home store? 592 00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:50,029 I work here. 593 00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:51,564 -Ohh. -You do. Oh. -Yeah. 594 00:18:51,664 --> 00:18:52,865 Hey, if you did 595 00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:54,033 still have a show, um... 596 00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:56,035 Uh-huh? ...would you pick us? 597 00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:57,570 Umm... 598 00:18:57,670 --> 00:18:59,906 BOTH: It costs you nothing to say "yes." 599 00:19:00,006 --> 00:19:01,508 Oh, my God, we agreed again. 600 00:19:01,608 --> 00:19:02,709 Ohh. Aww. 601 00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:06,913 I begged you not to go over there. 602 00:19:07,013 --> 00:19:08,014 I'm so embarrassed. 603 00:19:08,114 --> 00:19:09,349 Why? 604 00:19:09,449 --> 00:19:10,817 He's the one crying. 605 00:19:10,917 --> 00:19:12,185 My favorite part was 606 00:19:12,285 --> 00:19:14,387 when he was gasping for air between sobs, 607 00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:15,655 like a baby. 608 00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:17,156 Look at him. He's broken. 609 00:19:17,257 --> 00:19:18,225 (sobbing) 610 00:19:18,325 --> 00:19:19,492 What if he never writes again? 611 00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:21,861 Okay, I'll apologize to the 12 people 612 00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:23,663 who still go out and watch plays. 613 00:19:23,763 --> 00:19:25,064 You do know I'm a theater major, right? 614 00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:27,234 Yes, and when you're a great play writer 615 00:19:27,334 --> 00:19:28,701 and you go to a restaurant -- 616 00:19:28,801 --> 00:19:30,203 if you can afford it -- 617 00:19:30,303 --> 00:19:32,439 then you're gonna be nice to strangers, 618 00:19:32,539 --> 00:19:35,342 because that's the right thing to do, okay? 619 00:19:35,442 --> 00:19:36,709 Excuse me. I don't mean to interrupt. 620 00:19:36,809 --> 00:19:40,112 But I saw what happened before, and I'm sorry about that. 621 00:19:40,213 --> 00:19:42,249 But the way you stood up to that jerk Anvilmaker 622 00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:43,250 was kind of amazing, yeah. 623 00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:44,951 Good for you. 624 00:19:45,051 --> 00:19:46,185 And, young man, listen -- 625 00:19:46,286 --> 00:19:47,754 if this makes you feel any better, 626 00:19:47,854 --> 00:19:50,022 he did the same thing to me. Oh. 627 00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:51,524 That's very nice of you to say. Yeah. 628 00:19:51,624 --> 00:19:53,092 Thank you so much. So... 629 00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:54,594 Thank you. 630 00:19:54,694 --> 00:19:56,028 (clears throat) 631 00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:58,531 You know, I, uh... I write. 632 00:19:58,631 --> 00:19:59,632 Oh, boy. (chuckles) 633 00:19:59,732 --> 00:20:01,701 No, it's not like I'm just some, you know, some -- 634 00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:02,902 excuse me -- some -- 635 00:20:03,002 --> 00:20:04,971 you know, just some city slicker who -- 636 00:20:05,071 --> 00:20:06,706 who doesn't know what he's talking about. 637 00:20:06,806 --> 00:20:08,908 But, uh, if I could teach you one thing, 638 00:20:09,008 --> 00:20:12,211 just one thing that you learn from this, 639 00:20:12,312 --> 00:20:16,716 it'll make your plays sound and look marvelous. 640 00:20:16,816 --> 00:20:18,451 You know? 641 00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:23,222 So, the most important thing is to -- 642 00:20:23,323 --> 00:20:26,092 is to know that writing is really re-writing. 643 00:20:26,192 --> 00:20:27,727 You may want to jot that down. 644 00:20:27,827 --> 00:20:29,329 Uh... And then change it. 645 00:20:29,429 --> 00:20:30,897 (chuckles) Did you see what I did there? 646 00:20:30,997 --> 00:20:32,131 You know what? 647 00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:34,301 We really need to be somewhere right now. 648 00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:35,302 Yeah, we better go. Okay. 649 00:20:35,402 --> 00:20:37,837 Yeah. All right. 650 00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:38,838 Okay, thank you. 651 00:20:38,938 --> 00:20:40,673 Mm-hmm. Hm. 652 00:20:40,773 --> 00:20:42,942 I'm sorry, we didn't realize we were so annoying. 653 00:20:43,042 --> 00:20:44,243 Our bad. 654 00:20:46,112 --> 00:20:47,980 Have fun storming the castle! 655 00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:50,016 Nothing. 656 00:20:50,116 --> 00:20:51,418 I'm gonna shave. 657 00:20:54,186 --> 00:20:58,291 * Come feel the thrill, thrill, thrill * 658 00:20:58,391 --> 00:21:00,693 * Of Phil, Phil, Phil 659 00:21:02,128 --> 00:21:03,996 * The thrill, thrill, thrill 660 00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:05,465 (monitor flatlines) 661 00:21:05,565 --> 00:21:07,934 * The thrill of Phil 662 00:21:08,034 --> 00:21:09,536 (monitor flatlines) 663 00:21:09,636 --> 00:21:10,670 (exhales sharply) 664 00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:11,938 Could you turn that down, please? 665 00:21:12,038 --> 00:21:13,272 Oh! 666 00:21:13,373 --> 00:21:15,342 Uh...everybody. 667 00:21:15,442 --> 00:21:17,276 * La, la, la, la 668 00:21:17,377 --> 00:21:20,680 * La, la, la, la, la, la 669 00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:22,515 Phil: (laughs) 670 00:21:22,615 --> 00:21:23,716 (applause) 671 00:21:23,816 --> 00:21:26,453 So, a couple quick thoughts. 672 00:21:29,522 --> 00:21:31,858 -- Captions by VITA --