1 00:00:02,870 --> 00:00:04,538 Phil, thank you so much for helping. 2 00:00:04,572 --> 00:00:06,807 Especially after Jay was so rude to you last night. 3 00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:09,643 I wanted to start a new family tradition. 4 00:00:09,677 --> 00:00:11,212 In a way, I succeeded -- 5 00:00:11,245 --> 00:00:13,814 we now have Phil Un-appreciation Day. 6 00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:15,383 Hear ye, hear ye! 7 00:00:15,416 --> 00:00:16,384 Nope. 8 00:00:16,417 --> 00:00:18,719 I hereby declare the opening 9 00:00:18,752 --> 00:00:21,389 of the first annual Dunphy Games. 10 00:00:21,422 --> 00:00:22,490 Hard pass. 11 00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:25,259 Tests of strength, games of chance -- 12 00:00:25,293 --> 00:00:28,262 with the champion receiving the coveted Dunphy chalice 13 00:00:28,296 --> 00:00:30,564 and this gift card to Yogurtland. 14 00:00:30,598 --> 00:00:32,733 Phil, it's not going to happen. 15 00:00:32,766 --> 00:00:35,103 Your dissent has been noted, town elder, 16 00:00:35,136 --> 00:00:37,105 but perhaps those who've seen fewer winters 17 00:00:37,138 --> 00:00:38,372 should cast a vote. 18 00:00:38,406 --> 00:00:41,209 [ Chatter ] 19 00:00:41,242 --> 00:00:44,678 Who dares accept the challenge of a noodle-joust? 20 00:00:44,712 --> 00:00:46,013 No sale, Dad. 21 00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:47,948 Oh, well. Nice try, Son. 22 00:00:47,981 --> 00:00:51,018 I'll probably just drive back to Florida, then. 23 00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:52,453 Great to see you guys. 24 00:00:52,486 --> 00:00:55,456 -- Captions by VITA -- 25 00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:58,459 Captioning Provided by 20th Century Fox Television and ABC, Inc. 26 00:00:58,492 --> 00:01:01,562 and brought to you by Ford. We go further, so you can. 27 00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:05,133 ** 28 00:01:05,166 --> 00:01:07,034 I just thought with everyone growing up, 29 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:09,036 a new tradition might give us another excuse 30 00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:10,704 to get together every year. 31 00:01:10,738 --> 00:01:12,873 Oh, baby, we can get together today 32 00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:14,742 for Joe's soccer-team party. 33 00:01:14,775 --> 00:01:16,544 We have superheroes coming. 34 00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:19,079 We have the Superman, the X-Men. 35 00:01:19,113 --> 00:01:21,715 That's what Jay called my dad and me. Ex-men. 36 00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:23,217 Ohh! That hurts! 37 00:01:23,251 --> 00:01:24,385 Why, what happened? Oh, it's nothing. 38 00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:26,720 It's probably just my stilter's hip flaring up. 39 00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:27,721 No, it's not. 40 00:01:27,755 --> 00:01:29,123 Oh, you don't look that good. 41 00:01:29,157 --> 00:01:30,124 Do you have a fever? 42 00:01:30,158 --> 00:01:33,060 I don't know. I can't tell. 43 00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:35,496 Ay, no, you're burning up! 44 00:01:35,529 --> 00:01:38,399 Hi, I ordered your Ultra-Soft Gel-Heel Socks, 45 00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:40,501 and they are both marked "L." 46 00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:41,735 And "L" is for -- 47 00:01:41,769 --> 00:01:44,071 "L" is for large. Hilarious. 48 00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:46,106 I'm thinking I've been wearing two left socks. 49 00:01:46,140 --> 00:01:47,608 I am adorable. [ Phone beeps ] 50 00:01:47,641 --> 00:01:49,743 Can you hang on a second? [ Phone beeps ] 51 00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:51,779 Claire: Hello? Claire, everything is okay, 52 00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:54,748 but I am taking Phil to the hospital. 53 00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:56,116 He's dead! 54 00:01:56,150 --> 00:01:58,686 I was just resting my eyes! 55 00:01:58,719 --> 00:02:00,688 Oh, God! What happened?! It's okay, honey. 56 00:02:00,721 --> 00:02:02,423 I just have a little bit of stomach pain. 57 00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,192 Hang in there, sweetie. I'll -- I'm -- I'm -- I'm coming. 58 00:02:04,225 --> 00:02:05,359 I'll be -- I'll be -- I'll be there. 59 00:02:05,393 --> 00:02:06,694 [ Cellphone rings ] 60 00:02:06,727 --> 00:02:08,028 Really, Schwartzy? 61 00:02:08,061 --> 00:02:09,430 Calling me while I'm putting? 62 00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:11,932 It's bush-league moves like that why your wife left you, 63 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:14,268 why we still play poker and never invite you, why we -- 64 00:02:14,302 --> 00:02:16,537 Oh, it's Gloria. 65 00:02:16,570 --> 00:02:18,872 Jay, pick up Joe and meet me at the hospital! 66 00:02:18,906 --> 00:02:20,374 What happened? Is it Stella?! 67 00:02:20,408 --> 00:02:21,809 No, it's Phil! 68 00:02:21,842 --> 00:02:23,544 Wait a minute, I'm -- I'm getting another call. 69 00:02:23,577 --> 00:02:24,678 Dad -- Jay: I heard. 70 00:02:24,712 --> 00:02:26,780 Okay, Haley and Luke are working at the club. 71 00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:28,949 Can you grab them and meet me at the hospital? 72 00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:30,218 Sure thing. Sorry, guys. 73 00:02:30,251 --> 00:02:31,785 Emergency, I gotta take the cart. 74 00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:34,222 What?! The clubhouse is 50 yards away. 75 00:02:34,255 --> 00:02:36,023 Walk the first 25, make camp, 76 00:02:36,056 --> 00:02:37,658 and then tackle the rest in the morning. 77 00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:40,160 Forget about Joe, I'll have Mitch and Cam bring him. 78 00:02:40,194 --> 00:02:42,363 Phil, how's the pain? On a scale of one to -- 79 00:02:42,396 --> 00:02:43,564 Bo Derek! 80 00:02:43,597 --> 00:02:44,698 10. Got it. 81 00:02:44,732 --> 00:02:47,401 Boy, they did not get that score wrong, huh? 82 00:02:47,435 --> 00:02:49,069 [ Camera shutter clicks ] 83 00:02:49,102 --> 00:02:50,204 Good. Yeah. 84 00:02:50,238 --> 00:02:52,473 Okay, it's good, but is it wow? 85 00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:54,208 We're inviting eight people over for brunch 86 00:02:54,242 --> 00:02:57,044 with an invitation that reads, "Friends, Romans, Hungreymen" -- 87 00:02:57,077 --> 00:02:58,479 they're gonna say wow. 88 00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,348 [ Cellphone rings ] Hey, Gloria. 89 00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:02,516 I am taking Phil to the hospital! 90 00:03:02,550 --> 00:03:04,652 What? They're taking Phil to the hospital. 91 00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,254 It's just a stomach issue. 92 00:03:06,287 --> 00:03:09,590 Please pick up Joe at soccer and meet us over there. 93 00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:11,191 Of course. Oh, but what about Lily? 94 00:03:11,225 --> 00:03:12,926 [ Lyre twangs ] 95 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:14,928 What is that? A harp? 96 00:03:14,962 --> 00:03:16,597 No! Dios mío, no! 97 00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:18,566 The angels are coming down. 98 00:03:18,599 --> 00:03:21,269 You cannot have him yet! 99 00:03:21,302 --> 00:03:22,670 [ Cellphone rings, beeps ] 100 00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:23,904 Hello? 101 00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:26,674 Haley, would you mind picking up Lily from City Kidz gym? 102 00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:27,908 I don't have a car. 103 00:03:27,941 --> 00:03:29,877 Alex said she's on a date, but she can grab Lily. 104 00:03:29,910 --> 00:03:31,912 Oh, crap. We don't have time for this valet stuff. 105 00:03:31,945 --> 00:03:32,946 I'm going rogue. 106 00:03:32,980 --> 00:03:34,448 Luke, this thing's not fast enough. 107 00:03:34,482 --> 00:03:36,284 Grab a nine-iron, try to hook a bumper. 108 00:03:36,317 --> 00:03:37,585 Aah! 109 00:03:37,618 --> 00:03:40,288 Hey, Uncle Mitchell, I'm kinda busy right now. 110 00:03:40,321 --> 00:03:42,423 He is? I'm on my way. 111 00:03:42,456 --> 00:03:43,591 [ Cat meows ] 112 00:03:43,624 --> 00:03:46,594 Sorry, boys, gotta cut it short today. 113 00:03:46,627 --> 00:03:48,296 Hurry, hurry! Take him! 114 00:03:48,329 --> 00:03:51,399 [ Groans ] 115 00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:55,202 If Phil dies, would Claire get a new husband? 116 00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:56,704 Okay, he's not gonna die, bud. 117 00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:58,539 But to answer your question, yes, probably. 118 00:03:58,572 --> 00:03:59,873 You have to move on with life. 119 00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:01,041 Wow. 120 00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:02,042 Wait for us. 121 00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:04,612 Comin' in hot! Comin' in hot! 122 00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:05,946 [ Tires screech ] 123 00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:07,448 You're just gonna park that right there? 124 00:04:07,481 --> 00:04:09,049 I did the closets for head of surgery here. 125 00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:10,250 I'm untouchable. 126 00:04:10,284 --> 00:04:11,919 Phil, honey, how are you? 127 00:04:11,952 --> 00:04:13,954 Oh, back in the hospital. Oh. 128 00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:16,990 But better because of Elsie and her friend IV. 129 00:04:17,024 --> 00:04:18,292 Oh. 130 00:04:18,326 --> 00:04:20,628 If it's okay, I invited IV to come live with us. 131 00:04:20,661 --> 00:04:21,729 Uh-huh. 132 00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:22,896 Well, I brought you something 133 00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:25,566 that's gonna make you feel so much better. 134 00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,901 Oh, Surgery Bear. 135 00:04:27,935 --> 00:04:30,604 Our first year dating, we went to a carnival. 136 00:04:30,638 --> 00:04:31,905 At the milk-can toss, 137 00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:34,074 there was a bear that Claire really liked. 138 00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:37,144 I spent all night trying to win it, but I just couldn't. 139 00:04:37,177 --> 00:04:40,348 Came back the next night and the carnival had left town. 140 00:04:40,381 --> 00:04:42,616 So, I drove to Fresno, failed again. 141 00:04:42,650 --> 00:04:44,017 Sacramento, no dice. 142 00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:47,087 Six weeks later, in Carson City, Nevada, it happened. 143 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,456 Yeah. 144 00:04:48,489 --> 00:04:50,691 When I handed it to her and saw the smile on her face, 145 00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:52,626 I proposed to her on the spot. 146 00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:53,861 [ Laughs, snorts ] 147 00:04:53,894 --> 00:04:55,796 Anyhoo, it's come with me 148 00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:58,298 to every visit in the hospital since for good luck. 149 00:04:58,332 --> 00:05:00,501 And I was so worried about forgetting it 150 00:05:00,534 --> 00:05:01,702 that guess what I did? 151 00:05:01,735 --> 00:05:03,036 Remembered it? 152 00:05:03,070 --> 00:05:05,639 Well, I brought you your nice, comfy neck pillow, 153 00:05:05,673 --> 00:05:07,975 and I'm gonna run right home and get you Surgery Bear, okay? 154 00:05:08,008 --> 00:05:08,976 Okay. Okay. 155 00:05:09,009 --> 00:05:10,878 Dad! Hi. Oh, honey. 156 00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:12,613 Yeah? Just in case, 157 00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:15,148 I made one of my goodbye videos for you and the kids. 158 00:05:15,182 --> 00:05:17,150 I posted it in the usual spot. 159 00:05:17,184 --> 00:05:18,852 Okay. Goodbye videos? 160 00:05:18,886 --> 00:05:20,287 It's nothing, don't worry about it. 161 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:21,855 I'll be right back. I'll be right back. 162 00:05:21,889 --> 00:05:23,156 Hey, Phil. Hi. 163 00:05:23,190 --> 00:05:24,324 How you feeling? 164 00:05:24,358 --> 00:05:26,794 Did you tell them about the long pants? 165 00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:29,029 Oh, yeah, they had to cut me out of them 166 00:05:29,062 --> 00:05:31,031 when th-- when they got tangled up 167 00:05:31,064 --> 00:05:32,700 in the spokes of the wheelchair! 168 00:05:32,733 --> 00:05:34,702 Jay: Well, they gave him the good stuff. 169 00:05:34,735 --> 00:05:36,303 Well, glad you got to wish him well. 170 00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,639 We have to get this guy prepped for his gallbladder surgery. 171 00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:40,808 [ Singsong voice ] That means they're gonna shave me. 172 00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:43,043 Should we be worried that those could be his last words? 173 00:05:43,076 --> 00:05:44,378 I got this. Phil, we love you. 174 00:05:44,412 --> 00:05:46,380 [ Normal voice ] I love you, too. 175 00:05:46,414 --> 00:05:48,148 They're gonna shave me. 176 00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:49,383 Well, we tried. 177 00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:54,187 So you're sure Phil's gonna be okay? 178 00:05:54,221 --> 00:05:55,355 Absolutely. 179 00:05:55,389 --> 00:05:56,990 Pappy Phil is not gonna die in a long, long time. 180 00:05:57,024 --> 00:05:58,058 Am I going to die? 181 00:05:58,091 --> 00:05:59,760 Well, Joe, it's a natural thing that we -- 182 00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:01,028 Bup, bup, bup. 183 00:06:01,061 --> 00:06:03,664 This is not a topic you tend to handle gently. 184 00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:05,265 It's not your fault, 185 00:06:05,298 --> 00:06:07,835 but many people in your orbit met with ugly ends. 186 00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:08,869 I'll handle this. 187 00:06:08,902 --> 00:06:11,204 Fine. I have to pick up the party cake. 188 00:06:11,238 --> 00:06:13,106 It's shaped like a soccer ball. 189 00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:14,842 You sure that won't scare them? 190 00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:16,176 'Cause the only thing 191 00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:17,945 I've seen them do with a soccer ball is run from it. 192 00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:19,112 [ Car door closes ] 193 00:06:19,146 --> 00:06:21,449 Look, kid, that's a deep question, 194 00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:23,350 "Will I die some day?" 195 00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:27,287 And I'm gonna be straight with you about it -- no. 196 00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:28,622 Never? 197 00:06:28,656 --> 00:06:31,625 A few years back, people would live to be around 12. 198 00:06:31,659 --> 00:06:34,628 Nowadays, what with all the science they're doing, 199 00:06:34,662 --> 00:06:35,963 sky's the limit. 200 00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:39,299 You play your cards right, and someday you'll be 200, 201 00:06:39,332 --> 00:06:41,702 and if you learn anything from your old man, 202 00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:46,373 you'll have a gorgeous 100-year-old bride on your arm. 203 00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:51,311 Uh, there will be some squawking from women in their 180s, 204 00:06:51,344 --> 00:06:54,381 but, uh, you're a successful man 205 00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:57,785 and you've earned your happiness. 206 00:06:57,818 --> 00:06:59,119 Cameron: What is a gallbladder? 207 00:06:59,152 --> 00:07:01,221 Yeah, and what's up with these organs you don't even need? 208 00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:03,056 You can lose a gallbladder, an appendix, 209 00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:04,124 and everything's fine. 210 00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:05,392 Yeah, kind of like husbands. 211 00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,060 You lose one, you just get another. 212 00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:08,962 [ Chuckles ] That is what you said earlier. 213 00:07:08,996 --> 00:07:11,398 Oh, how did I know that was gonna boomerang back on me? 214 00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:13,000 I didn't bring it up to attack you. 215 00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:14,301 I just wondered... 216 00:07:14,334 --> 00:07:16,837 have you ever thought about who you'd end up with 217 00:07:16,870 --> 00:07:19,740 if, you know, my show closes early? 218 00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:21,174 I would give my right gallbladder 219 00:07:21,208 --> 00:07:22,576 not to answer this question. 220 00:07:22,610 --> 00:07:23,811 Come on, it'll be a fun game. 221 00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:25,345 Don't you want to know who I'm thinking about? 222 00:07:25,378 --> 00:07:26,480 I guess. 223 00:07:26,514 --> 00:07:29,016 Okay, well, then, let's just say a name on three. 224 00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:30,584 Cam. No, come on. 225 00:07:30,618 --> 00:07:32,185 I think you'll be surprised by my choice. 226 00:07:32,219 --> 00:07:33,854 You ready? 227 00:07:33,887 --> 00:07:36,289 One, two, three... 228 00:07:36,323 --> 00:07:38,258 Caleb. You're my everything. 229 00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:40,360 Y-You -- You tricked me. Okay, who's Caleb? 230 00:07:40,393 --> 00:07:42,630 You -- You met him. At -- At Jotham's party. 231 00:07:42,663 --> 00:07:44,031 The -- The massage therapist. 232 00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:45,866 Well, I guess he rubbed you the right way. 233 00:07:45,899 --> 00:07:47,034 Cam, oh, come on. 234 00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:48,636 I only said a name because you pressured me to. 235 00:07:48,669 --> 00:07:50,704 I've had like two conversations with him. 236 00:07:50,738 --> 00:07:53,541 Look, I-I only picked him because he reminds me of you. 237 00:07:53,574 --> 00:07:56,476 So sweet and open and such a good balance for me. 238 00:07:56,510 --> 00:07:58,045 I-I thought he might be, too. 239 00:07:58,078 --> 00:08:00,280 Well, then, that's lovely. 240 00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:02,315 Oh, thank God. I cut the right wire. 241 00:08:02,349 --> 00:08:04,284 Okay, what is a gallbladder? 242 00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:05,452 The gallbladder is 243 00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:08,188 "a 4-inch pear-shaped organ that stores bile." 244 00:08:08,221 --> 00:08:10,023 Like -- Like a little bile cabinet. 245 00:08:10,057 --> 00:08:11,058 [ Giggles ] [ Doorbell rings ] 246 00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:13,861 That's why people want us around. 247 00:08:13,894 --> 00:08:16,029 [ Chuckles ] 248 00:08:16,063 --> 00:08:17,364 Uh, Caleb. 249 00:08:17,397 --> 00:08:18,699 Hey, Mitchell. Cameron: Hey. 250 00:08:18,732 --> 00:08:20,400 Thanks for coming on such short notice. 251 00:08:20,433 --> 00:08:22,536 You can set your table up, uh, down in the TV area. 252 00:08:22,570 --> 00:08:23,637 Sounds good. You got it. 253 00:08:23,671 --> 00:08:25,806 What's going on? 254 00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:27,708 Uh, would you stop being so suspicious? 255 00:08:27,741 --> 00:08:30,544 You said you neck hurt from posing for our photograph... 256 00:08:30,578 --> 00:08:33,313 Hmm. ...so I invited Caleb over to ply his trade. 257 00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:34,715 I do not think he's here to ply. 258 00:08:34,748 --> 00:08:36,483 I think he's here so you can pry. 259 00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:38,151 Luke: Dad's gonna be fine. 260 00:08:38,185 --> 00:08:39,720 Since we're on the subject, at my funeral, 261 00:08:39,753 --> 00:08:41,555 make sure the pallbearers say things like, 262 00:08:41,589 --> 00:08:43,056 "Wow, she's so light," 263 00:08:43,090 --> 00:08:45,225 and things like, "Is she even in here?" 264 00:08:45,258 --> 00:08:47,661 I don't want to be buried. I'm donating my body to science. 265 00:08:47,695 --> 00:08:50,063 Haven't you already? I'm putting kettle bells in your coffin. 266 00:08:50,097 --> 00:08:52,065 And make sure my cadaver goes to an Ivy League. 267 00:08:52,099 --> 00:08:54,234 I don't want some hungover freshman from Swarthmore 268 00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:55,669 getting his hands all over me. 269 00:08:55,703 --> 00:08:57,037 Mm. It's not so bad. 270 00:08:57,070 --> 00:08:58,271 I'm never gonna die. 271 00:08:58,305 --> 00:09:00,540 Science is gonna find a cure for everything. 272 00:09:00,574 --> 00:09:01,942 Grandpa told me that. 273 00:09:01,975 --> 00:09:04,511 Quick, kids, hey, listen, Surgery Bear is not upstairs. 274 00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:05,512 Any ideas? 275 00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:06,680 Oh, right, Dad gave it to Joe 276 00:09:06,714 --> 00:09:08,015 when he got his tonsils taken out. 277 00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:09,216 [ Sighs ] You could've told me that 278 00:09:09,249 --> 00:09:10,517 before I looked through Luke's drawers. 279 00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:13,053 Which drawer?! We'll get into that later. 280 00:09:13,086 --> 00:09:14,254 [ Birds chirping ] 281 00:09:15,288 --> 00:09:17,424 Come on! 282 00:09:17,457 --> 00:09:19,059 [ Cellphone rings ] Damn it. 283 00:09:19,092 --> 00:09:20,127 [ Cellphone beeps ] 284 00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:22,095 Hey, honey, did you find Surgery Bear? 285 00:09:22,129 --> 00:09:23,931 Uh... yeah, sure did. 286 00:09:23,964 --> 00:09:27,768 He's -- He's right here with his beautiful blue eyes. 287 00:09:27,801 --> 00:09:29,036 I always considered them hazel, 288 00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:30,804 but who could tell underneath those sunglasses? 289 00:09:30,838 --> 00:09:33,206 Sunglasses. Right. 290 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:34,574 Um... 291 00:09:34,608 --> 00:09:37,477 why don't you tell me what your favorite thing is 292 00:09:37,510 --> 00:09:38,746 about Surgery Bear? 293 00:09:38,779 --> 00:09:42,082 Well, as you know, he's the polar... 294 00:09:42,115 --> 00:09:43,617 [ Yawns ] 295 00:09:43,651 --> 00:09:44,785 ...opposite of me. 296 00:09:44,818 --> 00:09:46,053 I mean, I hate surfing. 297 00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:49,089 But it makes sense that a fireman would love it. 298 00:09:49,122 --> 00:09:51,792 Yes, of course. [ Laughs ] 299 00:09:51,825 --> 00:09:54,161 In my mind, he's a volunteer fireman during the summer 300 00:09:54,194 --> 00:09:55,796 because professors have those off. 301 00:09:55,829 --> 00:09:58,431 Professors have -- Yes. 302 00:09:58,465 --> 00:09:59,733 Oh, gotta run, honey. 303 00:09:59,767 --> 00:10:01,134 Elsie's here to give me another shot for the pain. 304 00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:02,235 Don't be stingy, Elsie. 305 00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:05,405 Last time, it took forever to fee... 306 00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:06,674 [ Snores ] 307 00:10:07,675 --> 00:10:10,477 Oh, thank God you're here. 308 00:10:10,510 --> 00:10:11,845 Which one of these is Surgery Bear? 309 00:10:11,879 --> 00:10:12,980 Neither one. 310 00:10:13,013 --> 00:10:14,982 I gave him to Manny when he went to college. 311 00:10:15,015 --> 00:10:16,049 Ugh! 312 00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:25,358 [ Door closes ] Was that Claire? 313 00:10:25,392 --> 00:10:27,795 I don't know, but we've given out too many keys. 314 00:10:27,828 --> 00:10:29,697 Look out below! 315 00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:31,999 What are you doing there?! You're gonna kill yourself! 316 00:10:32,032 --> 00:10:33,133 No, I won't. 317 00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:35,268 Dad said I'm gonna live forever. 318 00:10:35,302 --> 00:10:36,369 Come down here. 319 00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:38,038 Is that what you told him? Are you crazy? 320 00:10:38,071 --> 00:10:40,040 I didn't want to steal the kid's innocence. 321 00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:42,375 Joe, I know what your father said, 322 00:10:42,409 --> 00:10:43,643 but forget it. 323 00:10:43,677 --> 00:10:45,545 You can die from that. 324 00:10:45,578 --> 00:10:46,646 Really? 325 00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:47,981 Yes. People die all the time. 326 00:10:48,015 --> 00:10:50,150 That's why you have to be careful. 327 00:10:50,183 --> 00:10:51,551 Everyone dies. 328 00:10:51,584 --> 00:10:52,953 You can choke 329 00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:56,223 or something very heavy can fall on top of your head. 330 00:10:56,256 --> 00:10:59,026 One time, I heard there was a little kid that exploded. 331 00:10:59,059 --> 00:11:02,863 The nuns said that it was because of unclean thoughts. 332 00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:04,464 Do you get all this? 333 00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:06,566 Yes, Mommy. [ Doorbell rings ] 334 00:11:06,599 --> 00:11:08,568 Those are your friends. Go welcome them. 335 00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:10,203 Hi, Joe. I brought cupcakes. 336 00:11:10,237 --> 00:11:12,906 What's the point? 337 00:11:12,940 --> 00:11:15,375 You okay with the pressure? If you looked under this table, 338 00:11:15,408 --> 00:11:17,410 you'll see I'm drooling like a trumpeter. 339 00:11:17,444 --> 00:11:19,046 Hey, sorry to interrupt. 340 00:11:19,079 --> 00:11:21,048 Made some hot tea and some homemade cookies. 341 00:11:21,081 --> 00:11:23,416 I'm suddenly feeling some tension in your shoulder here, Mitchell. 342 00:11:23,450 --> 00:11:25,518 Do you cook, like I do, Caleb, or...? 343 00:11:25,552 --> 00:11:27,487 Oh, no. Not as much as I used to. 344 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,990 Oh, yeah, well, nothin' says lovin' 345 00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:31,591 like a home-cooked meal. 346 00:11:31,624 --> 00:11:32,659 I know. 347 00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:35,262 I had my own restaurant for 15 years. 348 00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:37,530 Oh, but it failed and you lost everything? 349 00:11:37,564 --> 00:11:39,232 No, I had to walk away. 350 00:11:39,266 --> 00:11:41,168 It's such a stressful life. 351 00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:43,771 But I do miss having someone to cook for. 352 00:11:43,804 --> 00:11:45,773 Cam, maybe you want to get into these topics 353 00:11:45,806 --> 00:11:47,407 with Caleb during your massage? 354 00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:49,877 Oh, yeah, okay. I'll leave you guys. 355 00:11:49,910 --> 00:11:52,913 And the knots are melting away. 356 00:11:52,946 --> 00:11:55,282 You know, I'm a drummer. Big one coming back here now. 357 00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:56,950 Are you musical in any way, Caleb? 358 00:11:56,984 --> 00:11:59,219 Yeah, I was actually in a band once. 359 00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:00,220 Oh. 360 00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:02,055 But it failed and you lost everything? 361 00:12:02,089 --> 00:12:04,557 Uh, no. We actually toured Europe for a couple years. 362 00:12:04,591 --> 00:12:06,526 Bought me a house and a cabin in Hawaii. 363 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:07,527 When you say Hawaii, 364 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:08,896 you mean the big island of Ha-va-ee? 365 00:12:08,929 --> 00:12:09,963 I'm sorry, Caleb. 366 00:12:09,997 --> 00:12:11,965 I just remembered I need to talk to Cameron 367 00:12:11,999 --> 00:12:13,700 about the recycling bin. 368 00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,202 Would you excuse us? 369 00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:16,770 Sure. 370 00:12:16,804 --> 00:12:18,872 Thanks. 371 00:12:18,906 --> 00:12:20,107 You're acting crazy. 372 00:12:20,140 --> 00:12:21,441 Okay, you know what? 373 00:12:21,474 --> 00:12:23,944 I have some health issues on my mind, Mitchell, 374 00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:25,913 and I was simply evaluating the man 375 00:12:25,946 --> 00:12:28,782 who might become Lily's stepfather someday. 376 00:12:28,816 --> 00:12:30,617 Cam, your -- your health is fine. 377 00:12:30,650 --> 00:12:32,485 You don't know that. Phil probably thought the same thing 378 00:12:32,519 --> 00:12:33,586 when he woke up this morning. 379 00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:34,587 Okay. Things lurk. 380 00:12:34,621 --> 00:12:35,889 Okay, so that's what this is? 381 00:12:35,923 --> 00:12:37,724 You -- Seeing Phil flipped you out, 382 00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:39,459 but nothing is lurking. 383 00:12:39,492 --> 00:12:41,962 Okay. Maybe I'm being crazy. 384 00:12:41,995 --> 00:12:44,731 How about if I send him home... 385 00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:47,935 and finish this little massage myself? 386 00:12:47,968 --> 00:12:50,603 Hey! Uh, everything okay with the recycling bins? 387 00:12:50,637 --> 00:12:52,139 What? Oh. Oh. The excuse. 388 00:12:52,172 --> 00:12:54,341 Y-Y-Yes, and listen, about earlier, um, 389 00:12:54,374 --> 00:12:57,444 Mitchell has a little crush on you and I was being weird, 390 00:12:57,477 --> 00:12:58,946 but we're all good now, so... 391 00:12:58,979 --> 00:13:01,448 No, it's actually really nice to hear. 392 00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:02,850 I just got dumped... Aww. 393 00:13:02,883 --> 00:13:05,485 ...so I'll take any validation I can get. 394 00:13:05,518 --> 00:13:08,021 Did he say what exactly about me he liked? 395 00:13:08,055 --> 00:13:09,689 I think how not needy you are. 396 00:13:09,722 --> 00:13:12,359 Anyway, we've put you through enough, you should go. 397 00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:13,626 I'll finish the massage. 398 00:13:13,660 --> 00:13:15,795 Oh, absolutely not. Please, you've already paid. 399 00:13:15,829 --> 00:13:17,865 Besides, when I leave, I'm just gonna be alone 400 00:13:17,898 --> 00:13:20,133 in that apartment with the parrot that we adopted. 401 00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:22,469 [ Imitating parrot ] Where's Silvio? Where's Silvio? 402 00:13:22,502 --> 00:13:26,239 [ Normal voice ] I don't know. He left! 403 00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:30,710 [ Soft music plays ] 404 00:13:30,743 --> 00:13:32,679 Hey, I-I just had an impulse. 405 00:13:32,712 --> 00:13:34,347 Let's skip the massage. 406 00:13:34,381 --> 00:13:37,650 I'll grab some wine and you can meet me in the bedroom. 407 00:13:37,684 --> 00:13:39,652 Go on. Get in there. 408 00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:47,794 Manny: Go away! 409 00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:49,196 You don't even know who it is. 410 00:13:49,229 --> 00:13:50,730 It's Claire. I need Surgery Bear. 411 00:13:50,763 --> 00:13:53,166 Not a good time, Claire. Oh, gotta have it, buddy. 412 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:54,367 You know how in college, 413 00:13:54,401 --> 00:13:56,036 everybody goes through a rebellious phase -- 414 00:13:56,069 --> 00:13:58,205 You know how one time Alex locked herself in the bathroom 415 00:13:58,238 --> 00:13:59,439 and I kicked the door down? 416 00:14:01,008 --> 00:14:03,911 That's what all the fuss is about? An earring? 417 00:14:03,944 --> 00:14:05,545 Ugh. Where's the bear? 418 00:14:05,578 --> 00:14:07,580 Closet. 419 00:14:07,614 --> 00:14:09,016 I started with an earring. 420 00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:10,217 No one even noticed. 421 00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:11,919 So, you might need to up your game, pal. 422 00:14:11,952 --> 00:14:13,486 Try wearing a snake around your neck 423 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:15,722 and then act annoyed when people want to talk about it. 424 00:14:15,755 --> 00:14:16,890 Drawers? 425 00:14:16,924 --> 00:14:19,226 I went a different way. 426 00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:20,327 Uh-huh. 427 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,395 Oh! Okay. 428 00:14:22,429 --> 00:14:24,264 Wow. 429 00:14:24,297 --> 00:14:26,766 Well, first of all, welcome. 430 00:14:26,799 --> 00:14:28,902 We do have more fun. 431 00:14:28,936 --> 00:14:30,770 I'm guessing you like it, 432 00:14:30,803 --> 00:14:32,940 but you're worried what other people will think? 433 00:14:32,973 --> 00:14:35,442 A passerby likened me to a tennis ball. 434 00:14:35,475 --> 00:14:36,709 And you can't... 435 00:14:36,743 --> 00:14:39,179 hide in here until it grows out. 436 00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:40,180 I ran the numbers. 437 00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:41,614 Even with inside-out wearings, 438 00:14:41,648 --> 00:14:43,116 I'd be out of underwear in three weeks. 439 00:14:43,150 --> 00:14:45,018 Yeah. 440 00:14:45,052 --> 00:14:49,189 Um, let me tell you about the happiest guy I know. 441 00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:52,025 He stretched a tightrope across his front yard. 442 00:14:52,059 --> 00:14:54,127 Didn't worry about the neighbors. 443 00:14:54,161 --> 00:14:56,563 He pogo-sticked to work, and... 444 00:14:56,596 --> 00:14:57,797 [ Sighs ] 445 00:14:57,830 --> 00:15:01,034 The point is, he doesn't care what anybody thinks, 446 00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:02,202 and if he did, 447 00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:05,438 he wouldn't have had half the fun he's had. 448 00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:07,374 Let me ask you again. 449 00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:09,709 How do you feel about the hair? 450 00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:10,944 Kinda like it. 451 00:15:10,978 --> 00:15:12,379 Yeah. 452 00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:14,081 How do you feel about the fact that Jay's gonna hate it? 453 00:15:14,114 --> 00:15:16,249 I love that. 454 00:15:18,952 --> 00:15:20,120 Thanks, Claire. 455 00:15:20,153 --> 00:15:21,888 Yeah, I'm gonna hold on just a little longer. 456 00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:24,891 I need it today. Okay. 457 00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:26,793 Oh. Cabinet. 458 00:15:28,328 --> 00:15:30,964 Come on. 459 00:15:30,998 --> 00:15:32,565 [ Clears throat ] 460 00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:34,301 [ Speaking Spanish ] 461 00:15:34,334 --> 00:15:36,069 I hate to interrupt, 462 00:15:36,103 --> 00:15:38,238 but if you just scream you'll call her back, 463 00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:40,740 you might want to see how Joe's party's going. 464 00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:43,410 [ Speaks Spanish ] 465 00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:45,945 Apparently, Joe shared the uplifting news 466 00:15:45,979 --> 00:15:48,848 that his friends could die at any minute. 467 00:15:52,219 --> 00:15:54,121 Hey, so, I love what I do, 468 00:15:54,154 --> 00:15:56,523 but I feed off the energy of my audience. 469 00:15:56,556 --> 00:15:57,957 And if I'm not getting a lot back, 470 00:15:57,991 --> 00:16:00,293 it's harder for me to forget I'm a 45-year-old 471 00:16:00,327 --> 00:16:02,295 classically trained actor in a body sock 472 00:16:02,329 --> 00:16:04,697 and a cape that doubles as a curtain in my van. 473 00:16:04,731 --> 00:16:06,533 So, I'm gonna go. [ Door opens ] 474 00:16:06,566 --> 00:16:08,468 Jackson, Mama's here! 475 00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:11,038 You told them they were all going to die? 476 00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:13,473 No, only Joe, but in a very nice way. 477 00:16:13,506 --> 00:16:15,642 Really? Because it looks like the "before" picture 478 00:16:15,675 --> 00:16:17,210 in an ad for chewable Prozac. 479 00:16:17,244 --> 00:16:19,379 Take us, too! 480 00:16:19,412 --> 00:16:21,048 Joe, come here. 481 00:16:21,081 --> 00:16:24,317 We need to talk again about the thing. 482 00:16:24,351 --> 00:16:26,119 I think I'm just gonna go to bed. 483 00:16:26,153 --> 00:16:27,120 Jay: Hold on. 484 00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:29,189 It's true we all die sometime. 485 00:16:29,222 --> 00:16:30,857 But someone like you, so young, 486 00:16:30,890 --> 00:16:32,892 is gonna live a long, long, long time. 487 00:16:32,925 --> 00:16:34,161 Yeah, and the thing is, 488 00:16:34,194 --> 00:16:36,496 knowing we're gonna die some day can be a good thing. 489 00:16:36,529 --> 00:16:38,698 Because it reminds us to appreciate 490 00:16:38,731 --> 00:16:40,533 every minute that we're around. 491 00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:41,801 [ Sighs ] 492 00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:43,636 It's hitting you hard, isn't it? 493 00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:46,206 It feels like I'm never going to laugh again. 494 00:16:46,239 --> 00:16:47,507 But that's natural. 495 00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:50,243 This is a pretty adult thing you're dealing with here. 496 00:16:50,277 --> 00:16:52,212 In fact, I'd be worried about you 497 00:16:52,245 --> 00:16:53,880 if you weren't walking underneath a cloud 498 00:16:53,913 --> 00:16:55,382 for a few days. 499 00:16:55,415 --> 00:16:56,816 And eventually -- 500 00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:58,618 [ Laughs ] 501 00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:04,057 Hey. 502 00:17:04,091 --> 00:17:05,725 You, me, bedroom. 503 00:17:05,758 --> 00:17:08,661 I got the Syrah and I want to do something Syr-wrong. 504 00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:10,097 But what about your massage? 505 00:17:10,130 --> 00:17:11,431 I said I didn't want it. 506 00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:14,201 Come on. 507 00:17:14,234 --> 00:17:16,436 Mitchell, I am so happy we're doing this. 508 00:17:16,469 --> 00:17:18,605 We haven't done anything spontaneous in forever. 509 00:17:18,638 --> 00:17:20,573 I hope you like what I picked out for us. 510 00:17:20,607 --> 00:17:22,675 It is a little fruitier than we're used to. 511 00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:25,078 Ugh, what a day, huh? 512 00:17:25,112 --> 00:17:27,280 Togas and health scares... 513 00:17:27,314 --> 00:17:28,781 Mitchell, I love you, 514 00:17:28,815 --> 00:17:31,184 and I don't want Caleb to get between us. 515 00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:32,452 Oh, so, where do you want me, then? 516 00:17:32,485 --> 00:17:34,621 [ Gasps ] Wha--? Oh, my God. W-What are you doing here? 517 00:17:34,654 --> 00:17:36,189 Me? I -- Cameron said that you liked me, 518 00:17:36,223 --> 00:17:37,790 and then you said meet you in the bedroom. 519 00:17:37,824 --> 00:17:39,092 You told Caleb that I liked him? 520 00:17:39,126 --> 00:17:40,627 You told him to meet you in the bedroom? 521 00:17:40,660 --> 00:17:42,061 I thought I was talking to you. 522 00:17:42,095 --> 00:17:44,063 Guys, it sounds like all three of us could really use this. 523 00:17:44,097 --> 00:17:45,398 Take it easy, Caleb. 524 00:17:45,432 --> 00:17:47,900 You'll have Mitchell to yourself soon enough. 525 00:17:47,934 --> 00:17:49,369 Cam, you're not dying! 526 00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:51,138 We don't know that I'm not! 527 00:17:51,171 --> 00:17:53,373 I-I had a cousin that died at my age 528 00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:54,874 from a genetic condition, 529 00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:57,043 and it runs on my mom's side of the family. 530 00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:59,379 And if you have those two genes, you're at risk. 531 00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:01,814 That's why I've been acting crazy all day. 532 00:18:01,848 --> 00:18:03,283 Well, then, take a test 533 00:18:03,316 --> 00:18:06,119 to make sure you don't have that pair of mom genes. 534 00:18:06,153 --> 00:18:07,887 Mitchell, I did take the test. 535 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,222 I took it a week ago, 536 00:18:09,256 --> 00:18:11,458 and I've been too scared to look at the results. 537 00:18:11,491 --> 00:18:13,726 Oh, honey, I'm -- I'm so sorry 538 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,094 you've been going through this by yourself. 539 00:18:15,128 --> 00:18:17,630 Hey -- Hey, let's look at the results together, okay? 540 00:18:17,664 --> 00:18:19,399 Really? Yeah. 541 00:18:19,432 --> 00:18:20,767 [ Whimpers ] 542 00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:22,802 Okay, here goes. 543 00:18:22,835 --> 00:18:23,903 Oh, thank God. 544 00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:24,904 You're okay? 545 00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:26,273 No, my Etsy order shipped. 546 00:18:26,306 --> 00:18:28,074 But, okay, here's the -- here it is. 547 00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,142 You look. 548 00:18:29,176 --> 00:18:30,477 I cannot look at it. Okay, okay, okay. 549 00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:31,678 It's -- It's negative. 550 00:18:31,711 --> 00:18:32,679 What? You're fine. Look. 551 00:18:32,712 --> 00:18:33,846 Is it? Yeah. 552 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,082 [ Laughing ] Oh, my God! I can't believe it! 553 00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:38,151 Oh, now, that is something to celebrate. 554 00:18:38,185 --> 00:18:39,252 Yeah. I love you. 555 00:18:39,286 --> 00:18:40,420 I love you. 556 00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:42,622 All right, guys, I'm not -- I'm not dense here. 557 00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:44,924 I-I know this is my cue to leave. 558 00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:46,125 [ Clears throat ] 559 00:18:46,159 --> 00:18:48,928 But what you guys have is... 560 00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:50,663 it's very special. 561 00:18:50,697 --> 00:18:52,832 You should cherish that. 562 00:18:52,865 --> 00:18:54,000 Caleb -- 563 00:18:54,033 --> 00:18:55,435 I am so back in. 564 00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:56,703 I was gonna say, 565 00:18:56,736 --> 00:18:57,970 if you want to take the cookies when you leave... 566 00:18:58,004 --> 00:19:00,640 No offense, but what do you see in him? 567 00:19:00,673 --> 00:19:01,874 [ Sighs ] 568 00:19:01,908 --> 00:19:05,044 [ Monitor beeping ] 569 00:19:05,077 --> 00:19:06,946 Oh, no. I'm in heaven. 570 00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:09,649 No. No, you're not. Not yet. You made it. 571 00:19:09,682 --> 00:19:12,485 And just so you know, Surgery Bear was here 572 00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:14,387 and scrubbed in for the whole procedure. 573 00:19:14,421 --> 00:19:15,688 That's pretty dangerous. 574 00:19:15,722 --> 00:19:18,124 He's a women's studies professor. [ Sighs ] 575 00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:21,060 Besides, the only thing I really needed was my neck pillow. 576 00:19:21,093 --> 00:19:22,462 What? 577 00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:24,030 I knew if you didn't have something to keep you busy, 578 00:19:24,063 --> 00:19:25,532 you'd worry all day. 579 00:19:25,565 --> 00:19:26,733 Aww, honey. 580 00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:29,035 You really do know me. 581 00:19:29,068 --> 00:19:32,038 I'm glad you woke up when you did. 582 00:19:32,071 --> 00:19:35,342 You almost slept through the second Saturday in January. 583 00:19:35,375 --> 00:19:37,410 Why would you put it like that? 584 00:19:37,444 --> 00:19:38,411 [ Bell dings ] 585 00:19:38,445 --> 00:19:39,879 Hear ye, hear ye! 586 00:19:39,912 --> 00:19:43,550 I hereby declare the opening of the first annual Dunphy Games -- 587 00:19:43,583 --> 00:19:44,884 hospital edition. 588 00:19:44,917 --> 00:19:45,985 [ Laughs ] 589 00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:47,820 Tests of strength... 590 00:19:47,854 --> 00:19:48,855 chance... 591 00:19:48,888 --> 00:19:50,657 Ohh! 592 00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:52,259 ...and cunning. Yes! 593 00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:54,894 ** 594 00:19:54,927 --> 00:19:56,329 Ahh! 595 00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:57,897 [ Laughs ] 596 00:19:57,930 --> 00:19:59,699 Oh-ho! 597 00:19:59,732 --> 00:20:03,770 Jay: With the winner receiving the coveted Dunphy chalice. 598 00:20:03,803 --> 00:20:05,705 To our champion, Mitchell! 599 00:20:05,738 --> 00:20:07,274 [ Cheers and applause ] 600 00:20:07,307 --> 00:20:08,541 Yes! 601 00:20:08,575 --> 00:20:10,277 Extinguish the torch. 602 00:20:10,310 --> 00:20:13,413 And that concludes the first Dunphy Games. 603 00:20:13,446 --> 00:20:15,782 Uh, Wi-Wi-Winter Dunphy Games. 604 00:20:15,815 --> 00:20:18,851 We'll see you all again July 9 for the Summer -- 605 00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:19,852 Take the win, Phil. 606 00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:21,120 Okay. Okay. All right. 607 00:20:24,257 --> 00:20:25,292 So we discovered our dad made 608 00:20:25,325 --> 00:20:26,593 a series of videos through the years. 609 00:20:26,626 --> 00:20:27,627 Every time he was in danger, 610 00:20:27,660 --> 00:20:28,795 he made a goodbye video for us. 611 00:20:28,828 --> 00:20:30,963 And it turns out he's had the same haircut 612 00:20:30,997 --> 00:20:33,065 for a really long time. 613 00:20:33,099 --> 00:20:35,034 Hey, kids, um, I've been trapped 614 00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:36,469 in this porta-potty for some time now, 615 00:20:36,503 --> 00:20:37,770 and as you can see by the -- 616 00:20:37,804 --> 00:20:39,372 the curling edges of my mustache, 617 00:20:39,406 --> 00:20:41,441 the, uh, the chemical fumes are strong. 618 00:20:41,474 --> 00:20:43,876 I didn't plan to be on an airplane for Y2K, 619 00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:45,645 but here I am. 620 00:20:45,678 --> 00:20:49,649 A quick, loving goodbye as I am surrounded by a swarm of bears. 621 00:20:49,682 --> 00:20:51,884 If anything happens to me today, I have faith knowing 622 00:20:51,918 --> 00:20:53,720 that the three of you will always have each other. 623 00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:55,555 My fingers are numb, to the point at which 624 00:20:55,588 --> 00:20:58,558 it's hard to even keep a grip on the phone. 625 00:20:58,591 --> 00:21:00,259 No! 626 00:21:00,293 --> 00:21:01,328 [ Beep ] 627 00:21:01,361 --> 00:21:02,829 Oh, no! It's happening! It's hap-- 628 00:21:02,862 --> 00:21:05,565 Oh, they're -- they're just starting the movie. 629 00:21:05,598 --> 00:21:07,467 Oh. It's -- It's "A Bug's Life." 630 00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:08,735 They're goofy. 631 00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:11,003 But it's sweet that he wanted his last words on Earth 632 00:21:11,037 --> 00:21:12,639 be something for his family. 633 00:21:12,672 --> 00:21:13,806 Yeah. 634 00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:15,342 Also, we've reached a point in world history 635 00:21:15,375 --> 00:21:17,910 where it's become much too easy to film yourself. 636 00:21:17,944 --> 00:21:19,579 Totally. 637 00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:21,648 Wait, what?