1 00:00:01,235 --> 00:00:02,536 Daddies will miss you both so much! Have the best time! 2 00:00:02,636 --> 00:00:04,738 -Bye, honey. -Ohh. 3 00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:08,709 * We're alone! We're alone! We're alone! We're alone! * 4 00:00:08,809 --> 00:00:10,744 There's a box out here marked fruit of the month. 5 00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:13,447 I'm assuming that means one of you won a contest. 6 00:00:13,547 --> 00:00:15,783 So, Pam's moving back home 7 00:00:15,883 --> 00:00:18,286 after living in our upstairs unit for like three years. 8 00:00:18,386 --> 00:00:20,621 Uh, okay, it's been a year and nine days, 9 00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:22,056 and she chopped us all that wood. 10 00:00:22,156 --> 00:00:24,192 Plus, she's taking Lily back to see my parents. 11 00:00:24,292 --> 00:00:27,361 It's birthing season so she gets to name her first pig. 12 00:00:27,461 --> 00:00:29,430 Oh, and then we slaughter it on her 13th birthday. 13 00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:30,598 There's prayers and dancing. 14 00:00:30,698 --> 00:00:32,200 It's not unlike your standard bar mitzvah. 15 00:00:32,300 --> 00:00:34,868 Except a lot more pork and a lot less Jews. 16 00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:37,771 Anyway, we're excited to have the house to ourselves again. 17 00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:40,874 BOTH: * Naked breakfast, naked breakfast * 18 00:00:40,974 --> 00:00:42,076 (knocking) 19 00:00:42,176 --> 00:00:43,477 Just ignore it. 20 00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:46,614 * Making sausages and grits, barely coverin' our bits * 21 00:00:46,714 --> 00:00:50,318 * Cookin' a frittata while wearin' nada * 22 00:00:50,418 --> 00:00:52,086 (door opens) 23 00:00:52,186 --> 00:00:55,323 I knew you two would keep the side door unlocked. 24 00:00:55,423 --> 00:00:58,759 What would you do if I were a deranged psychopath? 25 00:00:58,859 --> 00:01:01,429 I'd probably start with, "Hi, Mom, what are you doing here?" 26 00:01:01,529 --> 00:01:03,931 Jerry and I had a terrible row! 27 00:01:04,031 --> 00:01:04,998 Ohh. 28 00:01:05,099 --> 00:01:06,900 Well, put on some pants so we can hug. 29 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:08,102 -Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Back to back. 30 00:01:08,202 --> 00:01:09,670 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 31 00:01:09,770 --> 00:01:10,938 Why didn't we just back out? 32 00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:12,973 I don't know, but we're already committed to this. 33 00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:18,812 ** 34 00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:24,918 ** 35 00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:27,087 LUKE: Okay, last run. 36 00:01:27,188 --> 00:01:28,822 PHIL: And then we clean up or your mom will be mad. 37 00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:30,124 Hang on. Here we go. 38 00:01:30,224 --> 00:01:31,625 And go! 39 00:01:34,695 --> 00:01:36,464 -(laughs) -Nice job. 40 00:01:36,564 --> 00:01:38,432 Keep her steady. 41 00:01:38,532 --> 00:01:40,000 -Okay. -Got this. 42 00:01:41,202 --> 00:01:42,136 -Oh! -No! 43 00:01:42,236 --> 00:01:43,137 Oh, no. 44 00:01:43,237 --> 00:01:45,806 Oh, no! 45 00:01:45,906 --> 00:01:47,007 I recently sat for 46 00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:49,543 my Pritchett's Closets presidential portrait. 47 00:01:49,643 --> 00:01:51,479 It's a dumb tradition my dad started, 48 00:01:51,579 --> 00:01:53,647 but I kind of love the way mine turned out. 49 00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:56,217 At least it's more understated than his. 50 00:01:56,317 --> 00:01:57,551 The colors are muted 51 00:01:57,651 --> 00:02:01,455 and I am not wearing a sash and service revolver. 52 00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:02,490 We're dead. 53 00:02:02,590 --> 00:02:03,691 We never should have played with -- 54 00:02:03,791 --> 00:02:06,059 Where is the drone? Did you turn it off? 55 00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:08,562 I was asleep. 56 00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:11,832 Wow, this place looks dynamite. 57 00:02:11,932 --> 00:02:15,203 I wanted to give Manny a nice premiere for his movie. 58 00:02:15,303 --> 00:02:17,738 He's been in such a dry spell creatively. 59 00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:20,341 That modern dance recital was like... 60 00:02:20,441 --> 00:02:22,176 Ugh, I couldn't even look at that leotard. 61 00:02:22,276 --> 00:02:23,677 Okay, yeah, he's a terrible dancer, 62 00:02:23,777 --> 00:02:24,912 but you don't have to use that word. 63 00:02:25,012 --> 00:02:27,481 For my film class, I wrote and directed a short. 64 00:02:27,581 --> 00:02:29,983 I felt the horror genre was the best way to grapple with 65 00:02:30,083 --> 00:02:31,185 the struggles of our time. 66 00:02:31,285 --> 00:02:33,153 When Manny first came to me with the project... 67 00:02:33,254 --> 00:02:35,723 You read a script I left out and you elbowed your way in. 68 00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:37,758 Semantics. I was gonna be the silent money. 69 00:02:37,858 --> 00:02:40,728 But it turns out I've got some natural storytelling talent, 70 00:02:40,828 --> 00:02:42,830 so I took on a more creative role. 71 00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:45,399 In spite of that, I got my first "A." 72 00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,568 Our first "A." 73 00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:50,238 MITCHELL: I can't deal with my mother's marriage drama right now. 74 00:02:50,338 --> 00:02:53,006 Nobody gets the love-lorn back on their feet 75 00:02:53,106 --> 00:02:55,008 and out the door faster than we do. 76 00:02:55,108 --> 00:02:57,711 We'll just trot out our -- our trusty "heartbreak kit." 77 00:02:57,811 --> 00:02:59,880 Is that in the closet next to the earthquake kit? 78 00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:01,181 And the Eartha Kitt. 79 00:03:01,282 --> 00:03:03,551 Did you put those all in the same place just to delight me? 80 00:03:03,651 --> 00:03:05,453 -I did. -Aww. 81 00:03:05,553 --> 00:03:08,689 So, you have wine, a self-help book, 82 00:03:08,789 --> 00:03:11,225 a-a pillow shaped like the platonic ideal 83 00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:14,795 of a male torso for cuddling and/or punching... 84 00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:19,267 And a DVD we made for you called the "Donna Summer Olympics." 85 00:03:19,367 --> 00:03:22,035 (laughs) It's a compilation of all the sexiest male athletes 86 00:03:22,135 --> 00:03:24,538 accompanied by the high queen of disco. 87 00:03:24,638 --> 00:03:25,773 Oh, you boys. 88 00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:28,976 So sensitive to a woman's needs. 89 00:03:29,076 --> 00:03:31,078 Unlike Jerry. 90 00:03:31,178 --> 00:03:34,648 Did I tell you that his mother is living with us? 91 00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:36,250 Yeah, no discussion. 92 00:03:36,350 --> 00:03:38,652 She just shows up with her birds. 93 00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:41,255 Well, you know, Mom, relationships take sacrifice. 94 00:03:41,355 --> 00:03:43,557 I mean, when Cam's sister Pam moved in, 95 00:03:43,657 --> 00:03:46,093 it w-- it was hard on me. I-I was constantly worried about 96 00:03:46,193 --> 00:03:48,896 the lost money on the upstairs rental and... 97 00:03:48,996 --> 00:03:51,932 You know, Mitchell, maybe we shouldn't discuss money. 98 00:03:52,032 --> 00:03:53,434 It can be a bit unseemly. 99 00:03:53,534 --> 00:03:55,168 I wasn't planning on being unseemly, 100 00:03:55,269 --> 00:03:58,138 a word I've never heard you use before. 101 00:03:58,238 --> 00:04:00,274 I-I'm simply saying how stressful 102 00:04:00,374 --> 00:04:03,110 having a long-term house guest can be and... 103 00:04:03,210 --> 00:04:06,480 Oh. Oh, sweetie, yeah, take a breath. 104 00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:09,783 Oh, my -- Oh, my -- Oh, my God. No. No. 105 00:04:09,883 --> 00:04:11,151 You used to do this when I was young. 106 00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:13,321 Did you get this move from my mother? 107 00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:18,125 Mitchell, there is no reason for this uns-- um, high-temper -- 108 00:04:18,225 --> 00:04:19,793 Unseemly! You were gonna say "unseemly"! 109 00:04:19,893 --> 00:04:21,795 Unseemly! You stole that word from her. 110 00:04:21,895 --> 00:04:23,531 Okay, okay, okay. W-What's going on here? 111 00:04:23,631 --> 00:04:25,366 Are you two, um... friends? 112 00:04:25,466 --> 00:04:26,634 Yes. 113 00:04:26,734 --> 00:04:29,470 We talk on the phone, e-mail, exchange recipes. 114 00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:32,005 Oh. Oh, is she the reason we've been eating so much quinoa? 115 00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,274 -It's a super-food. -It's a super-food. 116 00:04:34,375 --> 00:04:37,010 Okay, okay. Can I talk to you for a second? 117 00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,379 Come on. 118 00:04:38,479 --> 00:04:41,181 Okay, no reason to lie about it, 'cause I already know. 119 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:42,983 How long have you been involved with this woman? 120 00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:45,185 Can I ask a question? Is there a chance you're just 121 00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:47,355 kind of making this all about Mitchell? 122 00:04:47,455 --> 00:04:48,556 (gasps) That's her. 123 00:04:48,656 --> 00:04:51,024 Your mouth is moving, but that is her talking. 124 00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:52,326 Okay, don't you see what's happening? 125 00:04:52,426 --> 00:04:54,027 She's manipulating you to manipulate me. 126 00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:57,865 Don't you think I'm smart enough to know if I'm being used? 127 00:04:57,965 --> 00:04:59,333 I also have a mom. 128 00:04:59,433 --> 00:05:01,001 You're out of your league here, bumpkin! 129 00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:02,503 Okay, this is a city mother! 130 00:05:02,603 --> 00:05:06,474 Wow. What happened to the seemly man I married? 131 00:05:06,574 --> 00:05:08,342 You can't use it like that. 132 00:05:08,442 --> 00:05:10,478 Okay, how's it looking? 133 00:05:10,578 --> 00:05:11,712 Not bad. 134 00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:13,246 Who would've thought Mom and Teddy Roosevelt 135 00:05:13,347 --> 00:05:14,882 were identical front-teeth twins? 136 00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:17,851 Okay, just give me a quick minute to dry the glue. 137 00:05:17,951 --> 00:05:20,053 Oh, can you throw that shirt on a hanger for me, actually? 138 00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:21,922 I need to look sharp for Manny's premiere tonight. 139 00:05:22,022 --> 00:05:23,924 I play the Sheriff, which is ironic 140 00:05:24,024 --> 00:05:25,759 because I steal every scene I'm in. 141 00:05:25,859 --> 00:05:27,027 Dad, no! It's melting! 142 00:05:27,127 --> 00:05:28,896 ZZ Top! 143 00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:30,398 I've ruined your mother. 144 00:05:31,699 --> 00:05:32,666 Wait a second. 145 00:05:32,766 --> 00:05:34,402 Today's your mom's monthly spa day. 146 00:05:34,502 --> 00:05:35,503 I'm not following. 147 00:05:35,603 --> 00:05:37,004 Afterwards, th-there's a brief window 148 00:05:37,104 --> 00:05:38,372 when she's at her most relaxed and understanding. 149 00:05:38,472 --> 00:05:40,273 It's the best time to give her bad news. 150 00:05:40,374 --> 00:05:41,875 I was gonna tell her about the $500 151 00:05:41,975 --> 00:05:43,877 I wired to that stranded British guy on the phone, 152 00:05:43,977 --> 00:05:45,946 but this seems more important. 153 00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:49,783 Hi. Is Mom home? 154 00:05:49,883 --> 00:05:51,885 Honey, you look nice. Why? 155 00:05:51,985 --> 00:05:53,286 Did I hear Mom? 156 00:05:53,387 --> 00:05:54,555 Wait, you're dressed like a girl. 157 00:05:54,655 --> 00:05:56,089 No! You are not using the window. 158 00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:57,190 You got the last one! 159 00:05:57,290 --> 00:05:59,026 Did everyone know about this window? 160 00:05:59,126 --> 00:06:01,128 You guys need it too? For what? 161 00:06:02,730 --> 00:06:06,434 (laughs) Oh, wow. It is not easy doing something that dumb. 162 00:06:06,534 --> 00:06:08,436 Yeah, this is why men are over. 163 00:06:08,536 --> 00:06:10,438 I hope you enjoyed the last 10,000 years. 164 00:06:10,538 --> 00:06:12,973 Listen, I have to bail on our trip with Mom for Mother's Day. 165 00:06:13,073 --> 00:06:14,942 No! I have to bail, you have to go! 166 00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:16,109 She cried when we asked her. 167 00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:18,479 But my boss invited me to the Met Ball. 168 00:06:18,579 --> 00:06:22,149 Her therapy dog got the flu, so I get to fly first class. 169 00:06:22,249 --> 00:06:23,083 Well, on her lap. 170 00:06:23,183 --> 00:06:25,052 But Bill wants to take me away. 171 00:06:25,152 --> 00:06:26,554 This is the first time I've had a boyfriend 172 00:06:26,654 --> 00:06:28,622 who's not spending Mother's Day watching "Driving Miss Daisy" 173 00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:30,424 and pulling gray hairs out of a hairbrush. 174 00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:33,226 Three asks in one window, it's unprecedented. 175 00:06:33,326 --> 00:06:35,262 If we're gonna pull this off, we're gonna have to make this 176 00:06:35,362 --> 00:06:38,165 the most relaxing environment she's ever walked into. 177 00:06:39,132 --> 00:06:40,100 Surprise! 178 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:41,569 -Nana! -Dede! 179 00:06:41,669 --> 00:06:43,103 I'm sorry to barge in. 180 00:06:43,203 --> 00:06:45,338 I was visiting Mitch and Cam. 181 00:06:45,439 --> 00:06:47,575 There's some tension over there. 182 00:06:47,675 --> 00:06:49,443 Well, where's my daughter? 183 00:06:49,543 --> 00:06:52,913 I don't hear any cooking or cleaning sounds 184 00:06:53,013 --> 00:06:55,082 so I assume she's home. 185 00:06:55,182 --> 00:06:56,316 (laughs) 186 00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:57,651 Dad, what do we do? 187 00:06:57,751 --> 00:06:59,186 Mitchell must've brought her. Maybe he's still out -- 188 00:06:59,286 --> 00:07:00,988 (tires squeal) 189 00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:02,255 Coward! 190 00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:06,460 (door opens) Oh, just in time. 191 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:08,629 "Chapter Five -- Toss that clown, 192 00:07:08,729 --> 00:07:10,363 he's been keeping you down." 193 00:07:10,464 --> 00:07:11,699 Cam, I spent my whole life 194 00:07:11,799 --> 00:07:14,134 trying to get out from underneath my mother's thumb, 195 00:07:14,234 --> 00:07:16,436 and I-I finally thought that that was over. 196 00:07:16,537 --> 00:07:17,938 So to find out that she's been 197 00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:19,840 secretly managing me through you -- 198 00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,975 Okay, before you throw a clot, 199 00:07:22,075 --> 00:07:24,044 please, come look at my laptop. 200 00:07:24,144 --> 00:07:26,714 Read the e-mails your mother and I have sent. 201 00:07:26,814 --> 00:07:28,448 743 e-mails! 202 00:07:28,549 --> 00:07:29,850 It's mostly from one thread. 203 00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:32,720 Okay, look what she says in this one. Mm-hmm. 204 00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:35,956 "Some kitchen items you might like." Mm-hmm. 205 00:07:36,056 --> 00:07:40,193 -The stove, the tiles... -What? 206 00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:42,696 ...the -- the -- the folksy sign on the wall, Cam! 207 00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,297 You said that these were your ideas. 208 00:07:44,397 --> 00:07:46,033 D-Don't you see she incepted you 209 00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:47,868 and -- and designed our whole kitchen?! 210 00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:51,204 It was all so diabolical, and it went deep. 211 00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:53,674 She tricked us into making every decision in our lives. 212 00:07:53,774 --> 00:07:55,408 For example, 12 years ago, 213 00:07:55,509 --> 00:07:57,878 she sent me pictures of adorable Asian babies. 214 00:07:57,978 --> 00:08:00,347 While hitting me with a little reverse psychology. 215 00:08:00,447 --> 00:08:04,084 "Mitchell, America has taken so much from the Vietnamese, 216 00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:07,087 do you really want to snatch one of their children?" 217 00:08:07,187 --> 00:08:08,689 I do if you don't want me to! 218 00:08:08,789 --> 00:08:10,558 Oh, my God, 2004?! 219 00:08:10,658 --> 00:08:12,492 Th-That's a year into our relationship. 220 00:08:12,593 --> 00:08:15,563 "Oh, Cam, I hate to think of you living all alone 221 00:08:15,663 --> 00:08:17,364 in that tiny apartment with a broken ankle." 222 00:08:17,464 --> 00:08:19,733 (gasps) And on the same day, she's e-mailing you, 223 00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:22,369 "It's too soon to move in with someone. 224 00:08:22,469 --> 00:08:24,037 I strongly discourage it." 225 00:08:24,137 --> 00:08:25,773 Which is exactly why I did it. 226 00:08:25,873 --> 00:08:27,107 And because you love me so much. 227 00:08:27,207 --> 00:08:28,542 And because we were in love. Are in love. Yes. 228 00:08:28,642 --> 00:08:30,778 Oh, my God. -Mitchell. 229 00:08:30,878 --> 00:08:32,946 She's everywhere. -She is. 230 00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:36,249 Cam. 231 00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:37,951 I'm scared. 232 00:08:38,051 --> 00:08:39,887 MANNY: Jay, you're abusing my editor. 233 00:08:39,987 --> 00:08:41,354 (man screams) -Wait, stop. Back it up. 234 00:08:41,454 --> 00:08:42,790 No, no. The movie's done. 235 00:08:42,890 --> 00:08:44,357 We can't keep arguing about this! 236 00:08:44,457 --> 00:08:45,893 Don't we both want to cut the sheriff?! 237 00:08:45,993 --> 00:08:47,294 Yes! He stinks on ice! 238 00:08:47,394 --> 00:08:49,630 But it hurts the story if we don't stay on him long enough 239 00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:51,632 in the closet to see the terror on his face! 240 00:08:51,732 --> 00:08:53,934 You just want to see the Pritchett's Closets emblem 241 00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:55,803 next to his head! 242 00:08:55,903 --> 00:08:57,037 GLORIA: No, no, no, not again! 243 00:08:57,137 --> 00:09:00,440 The red carpet that they sent me is orange, 244 00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:02,109 and they keep putting me on hold. 245 00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:03,310 I never thought that I could hate 246 00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:05,445 hearing "She Bangs" over and over. 247 00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:06,413 -You didn't? -Really? 248 00:09:06,513 --> 00:09:07,547 Manny, give me the movie. 249 00:09:07,648 --> 00:09:09,316 I need to make sure that the projector is working 250 00:09:09,416 --> 00:09:10,784 and that the picture is good. 251 00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:12,285 Here, take it. It's done, anyway. 252 00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:13,921 I don't know what to do with this. 253 00:09:14,021 --> 00:09:15,589 I'm gonna need to borrow your nerd. 254 00:09:15,689 --> 00:09:17,424 And why don't you go get me a tomato juice? 255 00:09:17,524 --> 00:09:20,227 Look, I know we've had our creative differences, 256 00:09:20,327 --> 00:09:22,663 but I really think we have a hit on our hands. 257 00:09:22,763 --> 00:09:23,997 I'm pretty proud of it, too. 258 00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:26,299 And a little nervous to put it out there. 259 00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:28,802 'Cause you made the monster just like Mom? 260 00:09:28,936 --> 00:09:31,171 -No, we didn't. -What are you talking about? 261 00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:34,074 That noise. It's what she says all the time. 262 00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:38,445 WOMAN: She's coming! 263 00:09:38,545 --> 00:09:41,581 (warbling screech) 264 00:09:41,682 --> 00:09:43,016 (footsteps clacking) 265 00:09:43,116 --> 00:09:47,087 GLORIA: Stella, no! Out, out! I'll kill you! 266 00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:48,488 (high heels clacking) 267 00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:49,757 How could this happen?! 268 00:09:49,857 --> 00:09:53,661 We spent weeks perfecting the monster's trademark scream 269 00:09:53,761 --> 00:09:57,097 by combining a bunch of unsettling noises. 270 00:09:57,197 --> 00:09:59,532 Horror movies are all about the sound. 271 00:09:59,633 --> 00:10:01,835 Particularly when your special effects budget 272 00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:03,971 has been repurposed for an on-set massage chair. 273 00:10:04,071 --> 00:10:06,273 Hey, you used it just as much as I did. 274 00:10:06,373 --> 00:10:08,508 So, our monster sounds like your mother screaming? 275 00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:10,143 But we didn't know that before we put it in, right? 276 00:10:10,243 --> 00:10:12,612 -No, of course not, we love her. -To the moon. 277 00:10:12,713 --> 00:10:13,714 Maybe she won't notice. 278 00:10:13,814 --> 00:10:14,815 We better hope not. 279 00:10:14,915 --> 00:10:17,217 -It's your movie. -It's your movie. 280 00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:18,952 (snoring) 281 00:10:19,052 --> 00:10:21,021 She's asleep? How lucky. 282 00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:22,355 Kind of lucky. 283 00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:24,958 She said she was tired and Haley gave her some...tea. 284 00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:26,526 What was in the tea? 285 00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:28,796 You want her asleep, or you want to ask questions? 286 00:10:28,896 --> 00:10:29,797 Mom just pulled up! 287 00:10:29,897 --> 00:10:31,198 Quick, longest straw goes first with her, 288 00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:32,700 then medium, then shortest. 289 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:34,634 -Yes! -Yes! -Yes! 290 00:10:34,735 --> 00:10:36,837 That's the short straw. You're last. 291 00:10:36,937 --> 00:10:38,171 Oh, damn it! 292 00:10:38,271 --> 00:10:39,873 I'm so used to a world where the smallest size wins. 293 00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:41,809 This sucks, you guys are gonna use up all of Mom's happy buzz. 294 00:10:41,909 --> 00:10:43,143 Oh, there she is! She's here! 295 00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:44,878 Hurry! 296 00:10:47,014 --> 00:10:49,917 Cover her up so Mom can't see. 297 00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:53,887 -There she is! -There's my beautiful family! 298 00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:56,556 -Hi, Mom. -Hi, Mom. 299 00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:57,991 Wait, why are those shirts over there? 300 00:10:58,091 --> 00:10:59,559 Oh, sorry. We didn't finish the laundry. 301 00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,929 Oh, well, don't sweat it, handsome. 302 00:11:02,029 --> 00:11:04,164 Read a paper, we ain't got problems. 303 00:11:04,264 --> 00:11:07,600 So, Mom, we made you lunch, but it's so pretty outside. 304 00:11:07,701 --> 00:11:08,869 Let's have a little picnic. 305 00:11:08,969 --> 00:11:11,104 Yeah, I love that idea. Fun in the sun. 306 00:11:11,204 --> 00:11:13,173 -Have some fun outdoors. -Life is a picnic. 307 00:11:13,273 --> 00:11:15,042 I'm happy right here. 308 00:11:15,142 --> 00:11:16,744 Okay. 309 00:11:18,378 --> 00:11:19,713 What? 310 00:11:19,813 --> 00:11:21,614 Oh, we're just so nervous that we overdressed the salad. 311 00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:23,683 I can't even watch you taste it. 312 00:11:23,784 --> 00:11:25,285 Oh, please. 313 00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:28,421 Mmm. 314 00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:29,957 Honey, this is so good. What -- 315 00:11:30,057 --> 00:11:32,559 Mom, I-I hate to have to ask you this, 316 00:11:32,659 --> 00:11:35,395 but would you mind if I missed out on our Mother's Day trip? 317 00:11:35,495 --> 00:11:36,730 Oh, no, why? 318 00:11:36,830 --> 00:11:38,799 Well, Bill only gets one weekend off a month, 319 00:11:38,899 --> 00:11:41,068 and he wants to take me to the Grand Canyon. 320 00:11:41,168 --> 00:11:43,203 On a motorcycle. -What?! 321 00:11:43,303 --> 00:11:45,472 Phil, chill. 322 00:11:45,572 --> 00:11:49,977 Sweetie, as your mom, I know I should say no, 323 00:11:50,077 --> 00:11:51,211 but let's face it, 324 00:11:51,311 --> 00:11:53,146 those books aren't keeping you warm at night. 325 00:11:53,246 --> 00:11:55,282 Let's get some bugs in those teeth, huh? 326 00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:57,951 Mom, you are the best. Thank you so much. 327 00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:01,254 -(chuckles) -That is so sweet. 328 00:12:01,354 --> 00:12:03,556 Weren't you just wearing jeans? 329 00:12:03,656 --> 00:12:07,660 No, I was not, and, Miss Dunphy, my eyes are up here. 330 00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:09,763 -Oh. -(groans) 331 00:12:09,863 --> 00:12:10,831 What is that sound? 332 00:12:10,931 --> 00:12:12,132 -The house is settling. -My stomach. 333 00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:14,501 Anyways, things are really good at work, Mom. 334 00:12:14,601 --> 00:12:15,769 Haley's trying to cut. 335 00:12:15,903 --> 00:12:17,470 I finally realized how much sacrifice it takes 336 00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:18,738 to have a career. 337 00:12:18,839 --> 00:12:20,307 You know, my boss, like, she wants me to go with her 338 00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:21,474 on this business trip. -Mm-hmm. 339 00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:23,476 But it couldn't come at a worse weekend. 340 00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:25,278 Welcome to the struggle, sister. 341 00:12:25,378 --> 00:12:27,815 -The window's gonna close. -Window? What -- What window? 342 00:12:27,915 --> 00:12:29,649 Great news. We moved the box in the garage. 343 00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:32,152 The craziest thing happened -- -Talk about crazy things. 344 00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:33,520 You know how the Met Ball is in New York 345 00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:35,755 and how I weigh the same as a medium-sized dog? 346 00:12:35,856 --> 00:12:37,090 Haley, the grownups are talking! 347 00:12:37,190 --> 00:12:38,859 Guys, guys, guys, the knots are coming back. 348 00:12:38,959 --> 00:12:40,160 Mom, I'm bailing on our trip! 349 00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:41,829 I made Dad play and we flew our drone into your face! 350 00:12:41,929 --> 00:12:44,464 A man named Nigel Pickles may have our bank account numbers! 351 00:12:44,564 --> 00:12:46,766 -I'm gonna go. -Stop! 352 00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:49,269 Sit down! (sighs) 353 00:12:49,369 --> 00:12:52,172 Clearly, you all have bad news to tell me. 354 00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:54,808 But do you have to dump it on me when I'm in a good mood? 355 00:12:54,908 --> 00:12:58,211 Oh, my God, you did! That's what the window is! 356 00:12:58,311 --> 00:13:01,514 The one hour a month when I am a human to you people. 357 00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:02,549 Sometimes it's longer. 358 00:13:02,649 --> 00:13:04,184 Let me tell you something. 359 00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:05,853 You debutantes have it easy. 360 00:13:05,953 --> 00:13:08,221 You wouldn't have survived one day 361 00:13:08,321 --> 00:13:09,522 in the house where I grew up, 362 00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:12,960 where an actual crazy person was running the show. 363 00:13:13,060 --> 00:13:15,662 -Um, Claire -- -The guilting, the shaming, 364 00:13:15,762 --> 00:13:17,530 the number of times I heard 365 00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:20,467 "Where did I go wrong with you?" -Where did I go wrong with you? 366 00:13:20,567 --> 00:13:21,468 Mom. 367 00:13:21,568 --> 00:13:22,702 Mom, Nana's here. 368 00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,504 Yeah. I'm sorry. 369 00:13:24,604 --> 00:13:26,573 Save it. I know where I'm not wanted. 370 00:13:26,673 --> 00:13:28,909 And no, I'm not trying to guilt you. 371 00:13:29,009 --> 00:13:30,810 I can't waste the energy on that, 372 00:13:30,911 --> 00:13:33,180 as I am basically homeless 373 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:36,749 now that my marriage has unraveled. 374 00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:40,020 -Claire -- -No! 375 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:42,489 No! We are going to sit here in silence 376 00:13:42,589 --> 00:13:46,359 until it is my turn to storm out. 377 00:13:47,995 --> 00:13:49,762 No drinking! 378 00:13:49,863 --> 00:13:51,231 For you. 379 00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:55,402 If Mom starts to think the monster sounds familiar, 380 00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:57,270 I say we tell her it's Stella barking. 381 00:13:57,370 --> 00:14:00,040 And hurt Stella's feelings? Think! (knock on door) 382 00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:04,711 Dede? What are you doing here? 383 00:14:04,811 --> 00:14:06,579 Our children are horrible. 384 00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:09,216 I'm sorry to barge in. 385 00:14:09,316 --> 00:14:11,952 Oh. Gloria's holding a soirée. 386 00:14:12,052 --> 00:14:13,887 I should go. 387 00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:16,223 You will do no such thing. 388 00:14:16,323 --> 00:14:18,358 You come with me, young lady. 389 00:14:18,458 --> 00:14:19,792 She was the perfect secret weapon. 390 00:14:19,893 --> 00:14:21,461 We send her upstairs to freshen up, 391 00:14:21,561 --> 00:14:23,897 just before the movie starts, we drop the Dede bomb. 392 00:14:23,997 --> 00:14:25,865 Gloria's flustered, off her game, 393 00:14:25,966 --> 00:14:27,901 she doesn't even pay attention to the film. 394 00:14:28,001 --> 00:14:29,402 You still got it. 395 00:14:29,502 --> 00:14:30,770 And to think I was worried last night 396 00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:32,605 when you kept trying to turn on your phone flashlight 397 00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:36,276 and ended up taking 30 pictures of your angry face. 398 00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:40,247 There they are, my handsome movie makers. 399 00:14:40,347 --> 00:14:41,214 (laughs) 400 00:14:41,314 --> 00:14:42,549 What are you wearing? 401 00:14:42,649 --> 00:14:44,251 What are you wearing? 402 00:14:44,351 --> 00:14:46,319 What are you wearing? 403 00:14:46,419 --> 00:14:48,055 Whatever I want. 404 00:14:48,155 --> 00:14:49,556 Okay, I just found out that my mother 405 00:14:49,656 --> 00:14:51,758 has been secretly controlling every decision we've ever made, 406 00:14:51,858 --> 00:14:53,793 so we are taking our lives back. 407 00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:56,163 She thinks this color washes me out. Well, guess what? 408 00:14:56,263 --> 00:14:58,431 -She was right? -You match the carpet. 409 00:14:58,531 --> 00:15:00,100 Use more teeth when you talk, 410 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:01,935 because I'm losing your whole face. 411 00:15:02,035 --> 00:15:03,470 Okay, pay them no never mind. 412 00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:05,138 Uh, she also implied 15 years ago 413 00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:08,308 that Cam's accent was trashy, so that's also happening. 414 00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:09,676 Yep, and it came right back to me 415 00:15:09,776 --> 00:15:11,678 like a cheatin' husband on his rent day. 416 00:15:11,778 --> 00:15:14,481 Grab yourselves a drink. 417 00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:16,083 CLAIRE: (sighs) Sorry I'm late. 418 00:15:16,183 --> 00:15:17,150 What the hell? 419 00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:18,952 Does no one know what 420 00:15:19,052 --> 00:15:21,688 "upscale cocktail Hollywood glamour fabulous" means? 421 00:15:21,788 --> 00:15:23,290 -Hello. -Gloria. 422 00:15:23,390 --> 00:15:24,992 No, I don't. I'm sorry. I had to run off some rage. 423 00:15:25,092 --> 00:15:28,295 Mitchell, you're a lawyer. Can I divorce my whole family? 424 00:15:28,395 --> 00:15:30,930 Are you even facing me right now? (car alarm chirps) 425 00:15:31,031 --> 00:15:33,800 Tarnation, here comes your kin! Git! Git! Oh! 426 00:15:33,900 --> 00:15:36,336 Sorry, I'm still working on the balance. 427 00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:39,706 Oh, there's Mom. Luke, turn your cute on. 428 00:15:40,707 --> 00:15:43,643 GLORIA: (gasps) There's my Sheriff. 429 00:15:43,743 --> 00:15:45,979 Go. I want to take a picture with the poster. 430 00:15:46,079 --> 00:15:48,048 I'm sorry, I'm not really in a place -- 431 00:15:48,148 --> 00:15:50,450 Pose. 432 00:15:50,550 --> 00:15:52,285 Ow! 433 00:15:53,353 --> 00:15:54,787 Mitchell? 434 00:15:54,887 --> 00:15:57,457 Sorry, I didn't see you against the carpet. 435 00:15:58,391 --> 00:16:01,028 Mommy? Nope. Not cute anymore. You're 40. 436 00:16:01,128 --> 00:16:03,963 You know, forgiveness creates a biochemical reaction that -- 437 00:16:04,064 --> 00:16:06,166 Don't care. You're up. 438 00:16:06,266 --> 00:16:08,901 (fake sobs) 439 00:16:09,002 --> 00:16:11,338 You're gone, aren't you? 440 00:16:11,438 --> 00:16:15,675 Okay, everybody, sit down. It's time to watch the movie! 441 00:16:15,775 --> 00:16:16,909 Is Mom still at your house? 442 00:16:17,010 --> 00:16:19,512 Oh, no, she ran off all mad at me. 443 00:16:19,612 --> 00:16:20,647 I guess I'm not getting 444 00:16:20,747 --> 00:16:22,515 a recycled hemp Christmas card this year. 445 00:16:22,615 --> 00:16:24,984 Well, Cam and I have a tiny bone to pick with her, too, 446 00:16:25,085 --> 00:16:26,586 for controlling our entire lives. (door opens) 447 00:16:26,686 --> 00:16:29,056 Not that it'll matter. We all know what she's gonna say. 448 00:16:29,156 --> 00:16:31,891 -"Well, forgive me for caring." -"Well, forgive me for caring." -Well, forgive me for caring. 449 00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:34,394 -Are you kidding?! -Look who dropped in. 450 00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:36,229 What a surprise. 451 00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:37,597 Let me get you a chair. 452 00:16:37,697 --> 00:16:40,567 Oh, don't bother. Sitting's the new smoking. 453 00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:41,901 Mom, we need to talk. 454 00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:42,902 CAMERON: Oh, no, no. 455 00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:44,371 Just get in line, sweetie. 456 00:16:44,471 --> 00:16:48,541 Oh, shoot. Well, family first. Let's reschedule the premiere. 457 00:16:48,641 --> 00:16:50,210 No. You will talk later. 458 00:16:50,310 --> 00:16:52,079 Nerd, the lights! 459 00:16:56,183 --> 00:16:58,218 (snarling) 460 00:16:58,318 --> 00:17:00,520 Here comes the first test. 461 00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:03,022 (snarling continues) 462 00:17:03,123 --> 00:17:04,624 (footsteps clacking) 463 00:17:04,724 --> 00:17:06,926 (all scream) 464 00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:09,729 I can't believe that Dede is standing up. 465 00:17:09,829 --> 00:17:10,930 Worked like a charm. 466 00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:13,533 I don't know what was more genius, bringing Dede in, 467 00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:16,103 or hooking the audience early with some teenage sex. 468 00:17:16,203 --> 00:17:18,271 You were right to fight for that. 469 00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:20,973 (monster growls) 470 00:17:21,074 --> 00:17:23,310 (all shouting) 471 00:17:23,410 --> 00:17:24,777 This is my big scene. 472 00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:25,945 Big whoop. 473 00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:29,249 Everybody, stop! 474 00:17:29,349 --> 00:17:31,084 We're better than this. 475 00:17:31,184 --> 00:17:32,252 (birds cawing) 476 00:17:32,352 --> 00:17:37,757 So let's just think about that! 477 00:17:37,857 --> 00:17:39,759 PHIL: I don't know if I was being oversensitive 478 00:17:39,859 --> 00:17:43,130 because of my situation with Claire, but that editing stung. 479 00:17:43,230 --> 00:17:47,134 My huge speech, a fight with the townspeople, all gone. 480 00:17:47,234 --> 00:17:48,601 (cries) 481 00:17:48,701 --> 00:17:51,070 I'll never forget you. 482 00:17:51,171 --> 00:17:53,173 (monster moans) 483 00:17:53,273 --> 00:17:54,274 (applause) 484 00:17:54,374 --> 00:17:55,808 Bravo bravo! 485 00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:57,076 All right, then. 486 00:17:57,177 --> 00:18:00,147 -Yeah. -Very nice. 487 00:18:00,247 --> 00:18:01,581 Fine filmmaking, Manuel. 488 00:18:01,681 --> 00:18:03,416 You really got to something visceral. 489 00:18:03,516 --> 00:18:05,518 I feel like I've met that monster. 490 00:18:05,618 --> 00:18:07,954 No, no, no. It's all fiction. Now let's go eat. 491 00:18:08,054 --> 00:18:09,356 No, you know what, that scream 492 00:18:09,456 --> 00:18:11,291 actually sounded somehow familiar. 493 00:18:11,391 --> 00:18:12,459 -Yeah, it did, didn't it? -Yeah. 494 00:18:12,559 --> 00:18:15,628 Stella, no! No! Out, out, out! I'll kill you! 495 00:18:15,728 --> 00:18:17,664 (high heels clacking) 496 00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:18,931 Oh. 497 00:18:19,031 --> 00:18:20,032 What? 498 00:18:20,133 --> 00:18:21,468 (gasps) 499 00:18:21,568 --> 00:18:25,205 You made me into your monster! 500 00:18:25,305 --> 00:18:26,173 Not on purpose. 501 00:18:26,273 --> 00:18:27,607 It's just a bunch of awful sounds 502 00:18:27,707 --> 00:18:28,808 laid on top of each other. 503 00:18:28,908 --> 00:18:30,310 How is that better? 504 00:18:30,410 --> 00:18:33,146 Well, at least you were in the film. Phil! 505 00:18:33,246 --> 00:18:35,315 Well, now that we've reached the Q&A portion of the evening, 506 00:18:35,415 --> 00:18:38,618 I do have a question for Mom, if that's okay with her. 507 00:18:38,718 --> 00:18:40,187 Or do you want to tell Cam to tell me what to do 508 00:18:40,287 --> 00:18:42,155 and then use reverse psychology on me? 509 00:18:42,255 --> 00:18:44,391 Mitchell, if you want to confront me about something, 510 00:18:44,491 --> 00:18:45,692 do it now. 511 00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:48,195 No, I'm -- I'm gonna do it when I want to do it. 512 00:18:48,295 --> 00:18:51,998 Well, anyway, you look lovely in the salmon suit. 513 00:18:52,098 --> 00:18:53,366 Oh, you know what? You know what? 514 00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:55,368 Okay, well, how about this? Huh? 515 00:18:56,403 --> 00:18:58,004 -You realize what she just -- -I do realize now. 516 00:18:58,104 --> 00:18:59,339 Okay, you two are being ridiculous. 517 00:18:59,439 --> 00:19:01,341 And if I may come to Mom's defense for just a moment -- 518 00:19:01,441 --> 00:19:02,642 -Oh, yeah. -What?! 519 00:19:02,742 --> 00:19:03,843 Yes! Yeah, uh-huh, 520 00:19:03,943 --> 00:19:06,846 and not just because I owe her an apology, which I do. 521 00:19:06,946 --> 00:19:08,515 But, I mean, do you like your lives? 522 00:19:08,615 --> 00:19:10,183 Are you happy with the way things turned out? 523 00:19:10,283 --> 00:19:11,218 Instead of blaming Mom 524 00:19:11,318 --> 00:19:14,053 for helping you make the right choices, 525 00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:15,388 how about thanking her? 526 00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:19,892 You know, it's not so easy to be the one who always knows best. 527 00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:23,930 In fact, it can make you a little tense sometimes. 528 00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:27,567 This amazing woman runs a company, 529 00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:28,835 she runs a family, 530 00:19:28,935 --> 00:19:32,071 and you don't show her any appreciation. 531 00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:33,940 Just like you two. 532 00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:36,776 I put you two together to do this movie 533 00:19:36,876 --> 00:19:39,379 and you turn me into your devil creature. 534 00:19:39,479 --> 00:19:40,747 What do you mean you put us together? 535 00:19:40,847 --> 00:19:43,350 I left Manny's script out so that you would see it 536 00:19:43,450 --> 00:19:44,417 and you would get involved. 537 00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:47,220 I knew that this movie was not going to be good 538 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:50,623 unless I would take his artsy weirdness 539 00:19:50,723 --> 00:19:52,892 and balance it with your low-brow, 540 00:19:52,992 --> 00:19:54,794 couch-tomato sensibility. 541 00:19:54,894 --> 00:19:57,430 And that's why it was so great. 542 00:19:57,530 --> 00:19:59,399 Gloria, I know what you put up with. 543 00:19:59,499 --> 00:20:01,268 I-I was married to Jay. 544 00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:03,703 You are a saint to stick around. 545 00:20:03,803 --> 00:20:05,372 Especially with that bosom, 546 00:20:05,472 --> 00:20:07,440 you could get any guy in town. -Mm-hmm. 547 00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:11,778 So, unfortunately, this is what families do -- 548 00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:14,481 they turn mothers into monsters. 549 00:20:14,581 --> 00:20:16,249 -Mom, that's not fair. -That's not what we're doing. 550 00:20:16,349 --> 00:20:19,051 (all speaking indistinctly) 551 00:20:19,151 --> 00:20:22,121 Everybody stop! 552 00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:23,423 We're better than this. 553 00:20:23,523 --> 00:20:27,260 What are monsters, but pure, beautiful creatures 554 00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:29,296 we project our fears onto? 555 00:20:29,396 --> 00:20:30,963 And are they even scary, 556 00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:32,732 or are we just too terrified to look inside 557 00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:35,735 and see the ugliness and inadequacies in ourselves? 558 00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:39,439 So... 559 00:20:39,539 --> 00:20:42,008 let's just think about that. 560 00:20:42,108 --> 00:20:43,276 Thank you, Phil. 561 00:20:43,376 --> 00:20:44,811 -That's a nice start. -He's right. 562 00:20:44,911 --> 00:20:46,979 -You're not a monster. -Mom, we're sorry. 563 00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:48,615 JAY: We love you, sweetheart. 564 00:20:48,715 --> 00:20:51,318 If Phil had been half that good when we were rollin', 565 00:20:51,418 --> 00:20:52,452 we never would've cut that speech. 566 00:20:52,552 --> 00:20:54,654 He finally just trusted the words. 567 00:20:56,589 --> 00:20:59,792 Everybody stop. Oh. I'm stuck. 568 00:20:59,892 --> 00:21:01,861 Is -- Is this props or wardrobe? 569 00:21:01,961 --> 00:21:02,929 MANNY: Cut! 570 00:21:03,029 --> 00:21:04,464 Everybody stop! 571 00:21:04,564 --> 00:21:06,699 Everybody, I can't stop. 572 00:21:06,799 --> 00:21:08,134 Everybody -- 573 00:21:08,234 --> 00:21:09,101 line! 574 00:21:09,201 --> 00:21:11,037 Every body stop. 575 00:21:11,137 --> 00:21:12,972 We're better than this. 576 00:21:13,072 --> 00:21:13,973 That's a cut! 577 00:21:14,073 --> 00:21:15,608 I'm sorry, guys, I'm not hearing it. 578 00:21:15,708 --> 00:21:17,043 Oh, actually, I'm at work. 579 00:21:17,143 --> 00:21:18,845 Do you think I could send you a picture of the rash? 580 00:21:18,945 --> 00:21:20,680 JAY: Damn it, Phil, you're in the shot! 581 00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:23,149 Oh. Oh. 582 00:21:23,249 --> 00:21:25,952 Scoot! 583 00:21:28,788 --> 00:21:31,891 -- Captions by VITA --