1
00:00:01,835 --> 00:00:02,836
Every afternoon,
I've been going to Luke's campus

2
00:00:02,936 --> 00:00:04,838
to help him train
for rugby tryouts.

3
00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:07,541
What do you say we practice
that lineout lift one last time?

4
00:00:07,641 --> 00:00:08,942
And...
I got to go.

5
00:00:09,043 --> 00:00:10,511
I don't want to be late
for women's studies.

6
00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:12,213
That's what I call
my lunch break.

7
00:00:12,313 --> 00:00:13,214
All right.

8
00:00:13,314 --> 00:00:15,083
Good luck at tryouts.

9
00:00:15,183 --> 00:00:16,250
PHIL: The other day,

10
00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:19,887
something pretty interesting
caught my eye.

11
00:00:19,987 --> 00:00:21,889
Uh...

12
00:00:21,989 --> 00:00:23,891
modifications must be made

13
00:00:23,991 --> 00:00:26,394
to standard
microeconomic procedures

14
00:00:26,494 --> 00:00:30,131
to apply
supply and demand analysis.

15
00:00:30,231 --> 00:00:31,265
Hmm.

16
00:00:31,365 --> 00:00:34,268
First, we construct
a utility function,

17
00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:36,104
where Y equals income

18
00:00:36,204 --> 00:00:38,439
and X equals
the cost of services.

19
00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:39,640
Well...

20
00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:42,776
Uh, next, we vary either X --

21
00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:44,412
Pffffbbbbb.

22
00:00:44,512 --> 00:00:46,880
What --
What's on your mind?

23
00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:49,383
Well, um,
with all due respect,

24
00:00:49,483 --> 00:00:52,120
uh, you have a roomful
of aspiring Realtors here,

25
00:00:52,220 --> 00:00:54,588
and I worry that you might
be turning them off

26
00:00:54,688 --> 00:00:57,091
with all those numbers
and formulas.

27
00:00:57,191 --> 00:01:00,294
It's actually
a very exciting business.

28
00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:02,663
It's about people
and -- and emotional connections

29
00:01:02,763 --> 00:01:04,665
and magnets
with your face on them.

30
00:01:04,765 --> 00:01:06,600
You think you can
just walk in here

31
00:01:06,700 --> 00:01:08,336
and start
teaching this class?

32
00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:09,737
I'm so sorry.
I shouldn't have --

33
00:01:09,837 --> 00:01:11,672
No, I'm asking --
can you teach this class for me?

34
00:01:11,772 --> 00:01:14,575
If I leave now, I won't have to
pay the all-day parking rate.

35
00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:19,447
PHIL:
10 minutes with the dean,

36
00:01:19,547 --> 00:01:22,015
who, it turns out,
I'd sold a house to,

37
00:01:22,116 --> 00:01:23,817
and I was official.

38
00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:25,686
Imagine Phil Dunphy
shaping minds

39
00:01:25,786 --> 00:01:28,289
in the hallowed halls
of Sequoia Community College,

40
00:01:28,389 --> 00:01:30,624
established 2016.

41
00:01:30,724 --> 00:01:37,165
As you can see from this graph,
it's not about X's and Y's.

42
00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:41,369
It's about oohs and ahs.

43
00:01:44,372 --> 00:01:45,473
Mm. Okay.

44
00:01:45,573 --> 00:01:48,642
So, what does
real estate equal?

45
00:01:48,742 --> 00:01:51,945
80%...

46
00:01:52,045 --> 00:01:52,946
eye contact.

47
00:01:53,046 --> 00:01:53,981
(marker clacks)

48
00:01:54,081 --> 00:01:59,487
**

49
00:01:59,587 --> 00:02:04,958
**

50
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:10,198
All right. Your breakfast
is almost ready.

51
00:02:10,298 --> 00:02:12,500
You're gonna need all your
energy for the courtroom today

52
00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:14,034
in case you have to yell,
"I'm out of order?

53
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:15,068
You're out of order.

54
00:02:15,169 --> 00:02:16,870
The whole damn system's
out of order!"

55
00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:18,206
Might not do that.

56
00:02:18,306 --> 00:02:19,907
I think I'm winning, so big fan
of the system right now.

57
00:02:20,007 --> 00:02:21,309
Anyway, it can't hurt
Cam.

58
00:02:21,409 --> 00:02:23,877
to have some experienced eyes
take a look at this police work.

59
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:25,713
Sloppy.
Sloppy, sloppy.

60
00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:28,682
Okay, I know you fancy yourself
some sort of detective.

61
00:02:28,782 --> 00:02:31,419
You know, I was quite
the amateur sleuth as a boy,

62
00:02:31,519 --> 00:02:33,221
a real-life
Encyclopedia Brown.

63
00:02:33,321 --> 00:02:34,722
They called me
Thesaurus Jones.

64
00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:36,824
What I really need right now is
just a few minutes of silence,

65
00:02:36,924 --> 00:02:38,426
just like --
I would say
my toughest case

66
00:02:38,526 --> 00:02:41,161
was "The Case
of the Missing Snowman."
(papers thud)

67
00:02:41,262 --> 00:02:43,364
You know, at first,
I thought he'd come to life,

68
00:02:43,464 --> 00:02:45,233
but turns out --
Oh. Shh! My trial!

69
00:02:45,333 --> 00:02:46,567
REPORTER:
Today marks the fourth day

70
00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:47,935
of witness questioning
by the DA's office.

71
00:02:48,035 --> 00:02:49,737
Oh, my God.
(sputters) Is that you?

72
00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:51,171
I look like an elf
that just walked

73
00:02:51,272 --> 00:02:52,406
into his own
surprise party.

74
00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:53,874
No, it's like the time we tried
to microwave a squash.

75
00:02:53,974 --> 00:02:56,544
I -- Okay,
this is my first big trial,

76
00:02:56,644 --> 00:02:58,412
a-a chance to make
a name for myself.

77
00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:01,415
All anyone's gonna be talking
about is that awful picture!

78
00:03:01,515 --> 00:03:03,016
Okay,
this is a disaster.

79
00:03:03,116 --> 00:03:04,352
Th-- There's a place
downtown

80
00:03:04,452 --> 00:03:05,453
where all the lawyers
go to drink.

81
00:03:05,553 --> 00:03:06,687
It's called The Side Bar.

82
00:03:06,787 --> 00:03:08,689
They put courtroom sketches
on the wall

83
00:03:08,789 --> 00:03:10,591
from everyone's
first big trial.

84
00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:11,559
Maybe nobody saw it.

85
00:03:11,659 --> 00:03:12,693
(cellphone chiming)

86
00:03:12,793 --> 00:03:14,061
Um...

87
00:03:14,161 --> 00:03:16,564
Don't assume the worst.
It could just be an Amber Alert.

88
00:03:16,664 --> 00:03:17,631
(chiming continues)

89
00:03:17,731 --> 00:03:19,467
CLAIRE: Hey, Dad.
JAY: Yo.

90
00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:21,269
Since it's our first day
with our new partners,

91
00:03:21,369 --> 00:03:22,870
I thought maybe
you could get to work

92
00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:25,105
as close to on time
as poss--

93
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:26,974
I will try my best.

94
00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:29,377
(cellphone beeps)
Hi.

95
00:03:29,477 --> 00:03:30,978
(chuckles)
I'm sorry. Am I late?

96
00:03:31,078 --> 00:03:32,280
NICK: No, no, no, no.
Oh.

97
00:03:32,380 --> 00:03:33,914
And we're not
real time sticklers here.
Ah.

98
00:03:34,014 --> 00:03:35,549
We've found that team members
really excel

99
00:03:35,649 --> 00:03:36,817
when they follow
their own energy rhythms.

100
00:03:36,917 --> 00:03:38,319
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Interesting,
'cause I've found

101
00:03:38,419 --> 00:03:39,587
team members are happiest

102
00:03:39,687 --> 00:03:41,589
when the company stays
in business,

103
00:03:41,689 --> 00:03:44,325
which means
asses in chairs by 9:00.

104
00:03:45,426 --> 00:03:47,561
Dad, could I just have
a quick -- quick sec with you?

105
00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:48,729
Sure.

106
00:03:48,829 --> 00:03:51,432
Um...so, Dad, look,

107
00:03:51,532 --> 00:03:53,667
the culture
is just different here.

108
00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:55,969
And you just can't
come in with a sledgehammer,

109
00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:57,305
or it's gonna create
tension.

110
00:03:57,405 --> 00:03:59,139
You don't want
to alienate people.

111
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:00,808
So you want me to change
who I am?
No.

112
00:04:00,908 --> 00:04:03,744
I just want you
to hide who you are.

113
00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:05,346
I mean, come on.
Just a little bit.

114
00:04:05,446 --> 00:04:06,314
Let's get rid of this.

115
00:04:06,414 --> 00:04:07,648
Look at that.
That's better already.

116
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:10,083
Who is this 50-something,
huh?

117
00:04:10,183 --> 00:04:12,853
Fine.
I will be on my best behavior.
Thanks, Dad.

118
00:04:12,953 --> 00:04:14,422
(sighs)

119
00:04:14,522 --> 00:04:16,457
So sorry about that.

120
00:04:16,557 --> 00:04:17,458
Well, it's no problem.

121
00:04:17,558 --> 00:04:18,992
Family time is so important.
Uh-huh.

122
00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:21,429
That's why we offer 14 months
paid paternity leave.

123
00:04:21,529 --> 00:04:23,297
Mm-kay.
Let's see an update

124
00:04:23,397 --> 00:04:25,198
on that Thinfinity model.

125
00:04:25,299 --> 00:04:27,200
Ooh.
Cool design.

126
00:04:27,301 --> 00:04:29,102
Who do I high-five
for that, huh?
Everybody.

127
00:04:29,202 --> 00:04:31,805
Our design meetings
are organized around burstiness,

128
00:04:31,905 --> 00:04:33,807
which is a rapid-fire
creative process

129
00:04:33,907 --> 00:04:36,176
that really just unlocks
the unconscious.

130
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:37,311
Oh!
(chuckles)

131
00:04:37,411 --> 00:04:39,212
Does anybody else
find that distracting?

132
00:04:39,313 --> 00:04:42,049
Actually, it's great
for left-brain stimulation.

133
00:04:42,149 --> 00:04:43,384
I got winner!

134
00:04:43,484 --> 00:04:44,518
(chuckles)
We don't keep score.

135
00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:46,620
No?
WOMAN:
(muffled) Watch out!

136
00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:47,688
What the hell?!

137
00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:49,323
You don't know
about Zorbing?

138
00:04:49,423 --> 00:04:50,691
It promotes
mind/body balance.

139
00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:52,826
It's kind of like
the German version of Flerming.

140
00:04:52,926 --> 00:04:54,695
Okay, that's it.

141
00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:56,029
Now, I'm about
to introduce you squids

142
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,365
to a little thing called

143
00:04:57,465 --> 00:05:00,334
back-breaking, soul-crushing
hard work.
Mm.

144
00:05:00,434 --> 00:05:02,836
How many heart attacks have you
had here in the last five years?

145
00:05:02,936 --> 00:05:05,005
Zero?
Where am I?!

146
00:05:05,105 --> 00:05:06,840
America loves closets,

147
00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:09,242
and I'm here to build them,
damn it!

148
00:05:10,077 --> 00:05:13,814
And you get this back when I see
people pull up in the morning

149
00:05:13,914 --> 00:05:15,649
crying in their cars.

150
00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:19,520
YYYYYeah.

151
00:05:21,054 --> 00:05:22,656
(indistinct conversations)

152
00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:23,657
Okay, must you?

153
00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:25,325
You know what,
we are gonna make sure

154
00:05:25,426 --> 00:05:27,995
that sketch artist sees the best
possible version of you.

155
00:05:28,095 --> 00:05:30,230
Let's get those apples
a-shining!

156
00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:31,899
Okay, okay, stop.
Don't!

157
00:05:31,999 --> 00:05:33,667
Okay, your face gets weird
when you make that "O" sound,

158
00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:35,235
so avoid that.

159
00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:36,269
A-Are you serious?

160
00:05:36,370 --> 00:05:37,938
The defendant runs
the Orange County

161
00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:39,940
Oceanic and Ornithological
Organization.

162
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:41,442
That was hard to watch.
Wha--

163
00:05:41,542 --> 00:05:43,176
All rise.

164
00:05:43,276 --> 00:05:44,878
Last looks.

165
00:05:45,879 --> 00:05:47,214
JUDGE: Be seated.

166
00:05:47,314 --> 00:05:51,051
Mr. Pritchett, you may resume
your questioning of the witness.

167
00:05:51,151 --> 00:05:52,553
Okay.

168
00:05:52,653 --> 00:05:54,388
Mitchell. Mitchell.
He's here.

169
00:05:54,488 --> 00:05:56,590
Only give him
your best side.

170
00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:58,426
Avoid the fluorescent lights,
no O's,

171
00:05:58,526 --> 00:06:00,093
and whatever you do, do not
stand next to the bailiff.

172
00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:02,195
He is breathtaking!

173
00:06:02,295 --> 00:06:04,432
Oh, my God.
Counselor?

174
00:06:04,532 --> 00:06:07,100
Uh, sorry, Your Honor.
Um...

175
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:08,469
Miss Carpenter...
Bad side!

176
00:06:08,569 --> 00:06:13,941
...do you recall seeing this man
on the night in question?

177
00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:15,108
Yes, sir.

178
00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:18,646
And is he,
to your knowledge, the C.E.O...

179
00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:21,782
of the Orange County Oceanic
and Ornithological Organization?

180
00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:23,316
Counselor,
you're mumbling.
Oh --

181
00:06:23,417 --> 00:06:24,485
Can you repeat that,
please?

182
00:06:24,585 --> 00:06:26,920
Does he run
the bird and water place?

183
00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:27,921
He does.

184
00:06:28,021 --> 00:06:30,624
And is he here today
in this, uh...

185
00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:32,392
(scribbling)

186
00:06:32,493 --> 00:06:35,295
As I was saying...
Little further.

187
00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:39,900
...is he here today in this,
uh -- in this courtroom?

188
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:41,001
That's him.

189
00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:43,336
Let the court note
that I am pretty sure

190
00:06:43,437 --> 00:06:46,306
that the witness has identified
the defendant.

191
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:48,008
(gasps)

192
00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:54,915
(scribbling)

193
00:06:55,015 --> 00:06:56,149
Elbow patches?

194
00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:58,085
Did you burn through
another blazer at Benihana's?

195
00:06:58,185 --> 00:07:00,320
Actually, it is for
my new position

196
00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:02,956
teaching real estate
at your school.

197
00:07:03,056 --> 00:07:04,024
What are you
talking about?

198
00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:05,292
They offered me a job.

199
00:07:05,392 --> 00:07:06,960
But hey, listen --
listen to me.

200
00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:08,462
Lifelong dreams aside,

201
00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:10,297
I'm not taking this
unless you're on board.

202
00:07:10,397 --> 00:07:11,431
I'm definitely not.

203
00:07:11,532 --> 00:07:13,133
(refrigerator door opens)

204
00:07:13,233 --> 00:07:14,635
I get it.

205
00:07:14,735 --> 00:07:16,169
Don't want your old Pops
cramping your style,

206
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:17,304
so I'm -- I'm out.

207
00:07:17,404 --> 00:07:18,639
(chuckling)
It's just funny.

208
00:07:18,739 --> 00:07:20,307
I Can't remember the last time
I was this excited.

209
00:07:20,407 --> 00:07:21,542
But it wouldn't --
wouldn't make any sense

210
00:07:21,642 --> 00:07:22,876
unless you were
excited, too.

211
00:07:22,976 --> 00:07:25,613
Not even a little bit.

212
00:07:25,713 --> 00:07:26,947
Right.

213
00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:28,115
Those poor kids,
though, huh?

214
00:07:28,215 --> 00:07:30,183
I have so much to offer.

215
00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:31,485
For example,

216
00:07:31,585 --> 00:07:34,955
which house styles are sold
by which cookie type?

217
00:07:35,055 --> 00:07:37,190
French Revival --
(French accent) macaroons.

218
00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:38,659
(normal voice)
English Tudor --

219
00:07:38,759 --> 00:07:40,193
(British accent)
shortbread.

220
00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:43,564
(normal voice) But...
we both know what you want,

221
00:07:43,664 --> 00:07:45,966
so, uh, I'll resign
and go back

222
00:07:46,066 --> 00:07:49,503
to trying to figure out
what to do with my final years.

223
00:07:49,603 --> 00:07:51,304
Okay.

224
00:07:52,540 --> 00:07:53,707
(knock on door)

225
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:56,810
I need a place to stay
for a couple of days.

226
00:07:56,910 --> 00:07:58,145
Can't go home,
can't go to school,

227
00:07:58,245 --> 00:07:59,513
don't want
to talk about it.

228
00:07:59,613 --> 00:08:00,648
Got it.

229
00:08:00,748 --> 00:08:03,083
I knew that Alex wanted
to talk about it,

230
00:08:03,183 --> 00:08:05,385
but I had a lot on my mind.

231
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:07,655
I had a rough morning with Joe.

232
00:08:07,755 --> 00:08:10,357
Have a great first day.

233
00:08:10,457 --> 00:08:12,492
Aren't you gonna
walk me in?

234
00:08:12,593 --> 00:08:15,062
No. In first grade,
you have drop-off.

235
00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:17,731
No one said anything
about drop-off.

236
00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:19,567
What if I can't find
my cubby?

237
00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:21,902
They don't have cubbies.
They have lockers here.

238
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:24,838
Wait. Wait a second.
Where's my lunchbox?

239
00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:27,440
Oh, I signed you up
for the hot-lunch program.

240
00:08:27,541 --> 00:08:30,177
(inhales sharply)
What is this place?

241
00:08:30,277 --> 00:08:31,879
Okay, I've been feeling
some pressure

242
00:08:31,979 --> 00:08:33,914
about what to do
after I graduate this year,

243
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:36,216
and my parents are constantly
asking me about it.

244
00:08:36,316 --> 00:08:37,718
I thought that you were
going to work.

245
00:08:37,818 --> 00:08:41,622
So did I, but lately, I've been
questioning everything.

246
00:08:41,722 --> 00:08:43,423
I even thought
about becoming a fellow.

247
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,959
(gasps) Ay, Alex,
that's a big change.

248
00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:48,528
But at least you get
to keep the same name.

249
00:08:48,629 --> 00:08:49,930
I'm not even sure
it's what I really want.

250
00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:51,198
Okay, you have to be
very sure,

251
00:08:51,298 --> 00:08:54,301
because I heard
it's even harder to reverse it.

252
00:08:54,401 --> 00:08:56,136
Can we talk about anything else?
Where's Joe?

253
00:08:56,236 --> 00:08:57,304
He started school today.

254
00:08:57,404 --> 00:09:00,107
He was so panicky
when I dropped him off.

255
00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:02,142
I don't know why.
It's just first grade.

256
00:09:02,242 --> 00:09:03,410
Just first grade?!

257
00:09:03,510 --> 00:09:04,645
That's when
the pressure starts!

258
00:09:04,745 --> 00:09:06,747
Ay!
You're freaking me out!

259
00:09:06,847 --> 00:09:10,250
Alex is going to be
a very nervous man.

260
00:09:10,350 --> 00:09:11,819
(indistinct conversations)

261
00:09:11,919 --> 00:09:13,821
Uh, e-excuse me,
sketch man.

262
00:09:13,921 --> 00:09:15,889
We'd like a word with you
about your little drawings.
Yes.

263
00:09:15,989 --> 00:09:17,958
You don't remember me,
do you?

264
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:18,992
Uh...

265
00:09:19,092 --> 00:09:20,460
It's -- Um...

266
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:22,963
Well, obviously,
we have offended you somehow.

267
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:25,465
Oh, were you the barista
we had fired?

268
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:28,802
Here's a hint -- I once stayed
in your upstairs rental.

269
00:09:28,936 --> 00:09:29,903
Oh.

270
00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:31,504
Who consumes
an entire welcome basket?

271
00:09:31,605 --> 00:09:33,573
We usually reuse
half this stuff.

272
00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:35,242
All the Altoids.
He was here one night.

273
00:09:35,342 --> 00:09:37,477
He -- He even ate
the horseradish mustard.

274
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:38,612
What did he put it on?

275
00:09:38,712 --> 00:09:40,513
We purposely
don't give crackers.

276
00:09:40,614 --> 00:09:42,182
JONAH: Ugh!

277
00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:45,452
Hey.
Hey.

278
00:09:45,552 --> 00:09:47,755
We are so sorry
we offended you, but --

279
00:09:47,855 --> 00:09:49,456
Ooh, too late.

280
00:09:49,556 --> 00:09:50,523
I own you two.

281
00:09:50,624 --> 00:09:52,960
And I haven't even gotten
to my best stuff yet.

282
00:09:53,060 --> 00:09:54,662
I can go redder.

283
00:09:54,762 --> 00:09:56,363
You wouldn't.

284
00:09:56,463 --> 00:09:57,831
Just wait
till I connect the brows.

285
00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:58,832
Please.

286
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,500
We have a child.

287
00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:03,637
Oh, fun --
a reporter from CNN.

288
00:10:03,737 --> 00:10:06,807
Looks like this pretty little
portrait's about to go national.

289
00:10:06,907 --> 00:10:08,976
Uh...
What --
What are we gonna do?

290
00:10:09,076 --> 00:10:10,543
Okay, is it just me,
or does this sound

291
00:10:10,644 --> 00:10:12,179
like a job
for Thesaurus Jones?

292
00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:14,047
It's just you.
No. Blackmail, Mitchell!

293
00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:16,549
We just have to dig
something up on this guy.

294
00:10:16,650 --> 00:10:20,120
Shouldn't be a problem, because
everyone's hiding something.

295
00:10:20,220 --> 00:10:21,321
Everyone.

296
00:10:21,421 --> 00:10:23,824
I feel like you're sitting
on one more...

297
00:10:23,924 --> 00:10:25,392
Everyone.
Yep.

298
00:10:27,194 --> 00:10:29,129
CLAIRE: (sighs shakily)
(hushed conversations)

299
00:10:29,229 --> 00:10:31,498
-(Clears throat)
-Shh! Shh! Shh!

300
00:10:31,598 --> 00:10:34,167
CLAIRE: Just as I feared,
my dad had crushed the spirit

301
00:10:34,267 --> 00:10:36,336
of everyone in that office.

302
00:10:36,436 --> 00:10:37,671
I had to do something to prove

303
00:10:37,771 --> 00:10:39,572
we weren't
some stuffy killjoys.

304
00:10:39,673 --> 00:10:41,909
It was time to bust out
Party Claire.

305
00:10:42,009 --> 00:10:43,010
(chuckles)

306
00:10:43,110 --> 00:10:45,245
She'd retired
after spring break '89.

307
00:10:45,345 --> 00:10:46,313
(sniffs)

308
00:10:46,413 --> 00:10:47,981
And again in '92.

309
00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:50,417
Hey,
do you have a second?

310
00:10:50,517 --> 00:10:52,252
If this is about
my respecting your process --

311
00:10:52,352 --> 00:10:54,888
Actually, we want to thank you
for laying down the law before.

312
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:56,724
Because we have gone soft
as a company,

313
00:10:56,824 --> 00:10:58,358
we needed a couple grown-ups
to come in

314
00:10:58,458 --> 00:10:59,693
and put us
back on track.

315
00:10:59,793 --> 00:11:00,828
You know, thanks to you,

316
00:11:00,928 --> 00:11:02,062
we've gotten rid
of all the distractions --

317
00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:03,931
no more ping-pong tables,
squirt guns.

318
00:11:04,031 --> 00:11:06,066
The only thing we couldn't find
was that giant --

319
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:07,868
CLAIRE:
Break time, bitches!

320
00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:11,004
Uh, it turns out
this is a little --

321
00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:12,572
Oh, my God!
The Thinfinity!

322
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:13,573
I'm so sorry!

323
00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:15,442
Oh, my God!
I'm so sorry!

324
00:11:15,542 --> 00:11:16,944
I -- Oh!

325
00:11:17,044 --> 00:11:18,545
(creaking)

326
00:11:18,645 --> 00:11:19,947
(clatter)

327
00:11:20,047 --> 00:11:21,248
Sorry.

328
00:11:28,588 --> 00:11:30,690
Sketch boy
was unusually well-groomed

329
00:11:30,791 --> 00:11:34,061
for somebody coming out
of a government-subsidized gym.

330
00:11:34,161 --> 00:11:35,628
Something wasn't right.

331
00:11:35,729 --> 00:11:39,066
I was getting
that old Thesaurus Jones tingle.

332
00:11:39,166 --> 00:11:40,267
I decided to do
some sniffing around.

333
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:41,534
(sniffs, exhales sharply)

334
00:11:41,634 --> 00:11:43,771
Sketch guy's face had
a kind of glow

335
00:11:43,871 --> 00:11:46,774
that can only be achieved with
expensive creams and unguents,

336
00:11:46,874 --> 00:11:50,243
yet all I found were packets
of cut-rate all-purpose lotions.

337
00:11:51,078 --> 00:11:53,814
According to my sources,
the gym had an executive level

338
00:11:53,914 --> 00:11:56,583
that provides all manner
of fancy spa products,

339
00:11:56,683 --> 00:11:58,819
but it's for judges
and attorneys only.

340
00:11:58,919 --> 00:12:00,453
I created a diversion

341
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:02,122
by convincing
the security detail

342
00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:03,590
there was
a towel emergency...

343
00:12:03,690 --> 00:12:05,893
There's a towel
emergency.

344
00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:11,932
...and hacked
into the gym's computer system.

345
00:12:12,032 --> 00:12:15,435
Turns out he's been accessing
the executive level

346
00:12:15,535 --> 00:12:18,571
by swiping the ID
of one Victor Graham,

347
00:12:18,671 --> 00:12:20,407
a retired judge.

348
00:12:22,642 --> 00:12:23,811
MITCHELL:
Members of the jury,

349
00:12:23,911 --> 00:12:26,313
the defendant, Mr. Kane,
would have you believe

350
00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:29,282
that he was working
at the time of the crime.

351
00:12:29,382 --> 00:12:30,750
Bald?!

352
00:12:32,452 --> 00:12:33,586
...faced lies!

353
00:12:33,686 --> 00:12:35,488
(door opens)
Counselor?

354
00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:36,489
Ah.

355
00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:38,992
Because evidence
would clearly suggest

356
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:41,661
that, um...

357
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:42,629
Oh.

358
00:12:42,729 --> 00:12:43,964
...that while James Kane

359
00:12:44,064 --> 00:12:48,201
does have an office on
his company's executive floor,

360
00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:50,470
he was nowhere near it
that night.

361
00:12:50,570 --> 00:12:53,640
Nice try,
executive-level Jim.

362
00:12:55,542 --> 00:12:56,810
...Kane...

363
00:12:56,944 --> 00:12:58,311
we're onto you.

364
00:12:58,411 --> 00:13:02,682
Ladies and gentlemen,
before you've retired, judge...

365
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:04,818
...for yourself

366
00:13:04,918 --> 00:13:09,289
and draw
a more accurate conclusion

367
00:13:09,389 --> 00:13:11,724
than the one Mr. Kane
would have you believe...

368
00:13:11,825 --> 00:13:14,161
Counselor,
you're speaking weirdly.

369
00:13:14,261 --> 00:13:17,030
I'm sure you will find
the defendant's alibi

370
00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:18,465
to be thin.

371
00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:20,233
(scribbling)

372
00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:21,334
Even thinner.

373
00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:23,403
(scribbling)

374
00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:27,875
(door opens)

375
00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:30,677
Good afternoon,
young Realtors.

376
00:13:30,777 --> 00:13:32,846
I have a very important
announcement

377
00:13:32,946 --> 00:13:34,147
to make after class,

378
00:13:34,247 --> 00:13:37,017
but in the meantime,
if you would be so kind

379
00:13:37,117 --> 00:13:39,219
as to open your books --

380
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:41,721
(voice breaking)
Oh, boy. I can't do this.

381
00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:46,193
Students, today is
our last day together.

382
00:13:46,293 --> 00:13:47,895
(students murmuring)
Shh, shh.

383
00:13:47,995 --> 00:13:50,063
I've treasured
our time together.

384
00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:52,432
Brett, I know we got off
to a rough start,

385
00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:54,601
but once we broke down
those walls,

386
00:13:54,701 --> 00:13:56,336
I'm not sure
who was teaching who.

387
00:13:57,170 --> 00:14:00,073
Whitney, you're the toughest
single mother I know.

388
00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:01,942
Lucy, you be good to your mom.

389
00:14:03,076 --> 00:14:05,678
Bob, amazing how you battle
that dyslexia.

390
00:14:05,778 --> 00:14:08,181
Maybe ease off on the anger
toward your parents, though.

391
00:14:08,281 --> 00:14:10,017
They did you a solid
giving you that name.

392
00:14:10,117 --> 00:14:11,751
We're gonna miss you,
Mr. Nudphy.

393
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:14,254
It's -- You -- You --
You flipped it, but...

394
00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,056
(voice breaking)
I'm gonna miss you guys, too.

395
00:14:16,156 --> 00:14:16,924
(sighs)

396
00:14:17,024 --> 00:14:20,627
Location. Location.
Location.

397
00:14:20,727 --> 00:14:22,195
You memorized it.

398
00:14:23,530 --> 00:14:27,200
Now, for the second
and last time...

399
00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:29,436
class dismissed.

400
00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:32,605
LUKE: Dad.

401
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:34,274
Luke?

402
00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:35,943
How long
have you been back there?

403
00:14:36,043 --> 00:14:37,444
I pretty much saw
the whole thing.

404
00:14:37,544 --> 00:14:39,112
(sighs)

405
00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:40,247
Hey, Dad?

406
00:14:40,347 --> 00:14:42,149
Yeah?

407
00:14:42,249 --> 00:14:43,816
Don't forget
your coffee mug.

408
00:14:43,917 --> 00:14:45,085
O-Oh.

409
00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:49,422
I'm sure this all worked out
for the best.

410
00:14:49,522 --> 00:14:50,924
I'll, uh, probably miss

411
00:14:51,024 --> 00:14:53,760
a few spontaneous
Frisbee opportunities and...

412
00:14:53,860 --> 00:14:56,096
apparently,
a tumbling exchange program --

413
00:14:56,196 --> 00:14:57,597
oh, well --

414
00:14:57,697 --> 00:14:58,999
and an Amateur Inventors
Association.

415
00:14:59,099 --> 00:15:01,434
How much fun could it be
changing the world, anyway?

416
00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:05,939
"The Sequoia College
Players Present:

417
00:15:06,039 --> 00:15:09,276
A Hall and Oates
Magic Show."

418
00:15:10,310 --> 00:15:11,178
(car door opens)

419
00:15:11,278 --> 00:15:13,313
Dad, wait.
Yes, Luke?

420
00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:14,948
Don't forget your mug
again.

421
00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:16,449
Come on!

422
00:15:16,549 --> 00:15:18,485
Can't you see
I'm meant to be here?

423
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:21,154
I'm sorry, but I've never
had a school to myself.

424
00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:24,291
I was always Alex's dumb brother
or Manny's hot nephew.

425
00:15:24,391 --> 00:15:27,527
Now I can finally
be my own person.

426
00:15:27,627 --> 00:15:29,129
I'm sorry. I get it.

427
00:15:29,229 --> 00:15:30,964
I-I r-- I-I really do.

428
00:15:31,064 --> 00:15:32,699
I think I was just getting
a little overexcited.

429
00:15:32,799 --> 00:15:34,767
I'll, uh...

430
00:15:34,867 --> 00:15:36,136
I'll see you at home.

431
00:15:38,205 --> 00:15:39,372
COACH WALLS: Dunphy.

432
00:15:39,472 --> 00:15:41,941
Glad I ran into you so I can
congratulate you personally.

433
00:15:42,042 --> 00:15:43,810
Wait.
I made the team?
First string.

434
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:46,013
I got to say, your form
on that lineout lift

435
00:15:46,113 --> 00:15:47,847
(chuckles)
was impeccable.

436
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:49,382
Thanks.
Yeah.

437
00:15:52,485 --> 00:15:55,055
(cellphone beeps)

438
00:15:55,155 --> 00:15:56,856
Hey, Dad.
I made the team.

439
00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:58,025
PHIL:
That's amazing!

440
00:15:58,125 --> 00:16:00,027
I knew you would.
You're a natural.

441
00:16:00,127 --> 00:16:01,694
Well,
I had a great teacher.

442
00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:03,030
Aww!

443
00:16:03,997 --> 00:16:05,332
So, listen.

444
00:16:05,432 --> 00:16:07,000
This is a big campus.

445
00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:08,568
Maybe we could both be here

446
00:16:08,668 --> 00:16:11,638
if we promise to stay
out of each other's way.
(tires screech)

447
00:16:11,738 --> 00:16:12,839
(engine revs)

448
00:16:12,939 --> 00:16:14,807
Well, I'd hate
to step on your toes.

449
00:16:14,907 --> 00:16:16,576
No, no, y-you wouldn't.

450
00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:17,710
(tires screech)
I would hate to stop you

451
00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:19,146
from doing something
you're so good at.

452
00:16:19,246 --> 00:16:20,747
I guess I could
think about it.

453
00:16:20,847 --> 00:16:23,583
I mean, it's not like
I'd be there all the time.

454
00:16:23,683 --> 00:16:26,686
I, uh, have class
and office hours,

455
00:16:26,786 --> 00:16:29,222
and I have the 11:00 a.m.
to 2:00 p.m. slot

456
00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:33,160
at the campus radio station
on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

457
00:16:33,260 --> 00:16:35,728
Hey, if you want
to be my sidekick...

458
00:16:36,563 --> 00:16:37,664
Dad?
You're right.

459
00:16:37,764 --> 00:16:39,232
It's better if I do
all the voices.

460
00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:40,600
What's up?!

461
00:16:43,203 --> 00:16:44,337
What's all this?

462
00:16:44,437 --> 00:16:47,207
Well, you got me so nervous
about Joe's terrible day

463
00:16:47,307 --> 00:16:49,909
that I put all this out
to cheer him up --

464
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:51,444
sundae, video game.

465
00:16:51,544 --> 00:16:54,547
I even wrote him
a little pep talk.

466
00:16:54,647 --> 00:16:56,049
We're lucky to live
in the golden age of medicines.

467
00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:57,917
Hey, Grandpa, I'm staying here
for a couple of days,

468
00:16:58,017 --> 00:16:59,386
and I do not want
to talk about it.

469
00:16:59,486 --> 00:17:00,387
Cool.

470
00:17:00,487 --> 00:17:03,022
(doorbell rings)
(gasps) That's Joe.

471
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:07,894
Hey, is my dad home?

472
00:17:07,994 --> 00:17:09,762
(whispering) Crap.
What is my mom doing here?

473
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:11,264
Come with me.

474
00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:12,599
I owe him an apology.

475
00:17:12,699 --> 00:17:14,934
I made a huge scene
at work.

476
00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:18,371
Well, sometimes
the best way to say "I'm sorry"

477
00:17:18,471 --> 00:17:19,706
is in an e-mail.

478
00:17:19,806 --> 00:17:24,211
Why don't you write him
at JaysComputerMail@aol.com?

479
00:17:24,311 --> 00:17:27,247
(voice breaking)
I plowed over a bunch of people
in a giant hamster ball.

480
00:17:27,347 --> 00:17:29,316
And then I tried
to impress the foodies

481
00:17:29,416 --> 00:17:30,817
by ordering Indian
for lunch.

482
00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:31,951
And then I chewed some gum

483
00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:33,653
to get rid
of my coriander breath,

484
00:17:33,753 --> 00:17:35,588
and I'm pretty sure
some's in my hair.

485
00:17:35,688 --> 00:17:37,324
And then I -- Oh --

486
00:17:37,424 --> 00:17:39,659
tripped and fell
and skinned my knee,

487
00:17:39,759 --> 00:17:41,628
and everybody saw
my underwear.

488
00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:42,629
(door opens)

489
00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:43,763
Crushed it!

490
00:17:43,863 --> 00:17:45,798
First days are easy
when you're cool.

491
00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:46,766
Uh-huh.

492
00:17:46,866 --> 00:17:48,601
I do feel bad
for Conner B.

493
00:17:48,701 --> 00:17:51,471
He brought stinky egg salad
for lunch.

494
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:54,341
He's gonna have to eat
with the nurse.

495
00:17:54,441 --> 00:17:55,642
Oh, God!
Ay.

496
00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:58,178
Uh, Joe,
why don't you go upstairs?

497
00:17:58,278 --> 00:17:59,279
Ugh.

498
00:17:59,379 --> 00:18:00,947
I just want to go back
to my old office,

499
00:18:01,047 --> 00:18:02,415
where I had friends.

500
00:18:02,515 --> 00:18:03,683
I know.

501
00:18:03,783 --> 00:18:04,651
Sometimes...
(sighs)

502
00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:08,255
...you know,
we all have bad days.

503
00:18:09,322 --> 00:18:10,790
And...(Sighs)

504
00:18:10,890 --> 00:18:15,795
And sometimes, we have to --
to deal with mean boys.

505
00:18:15,895 --> 00:18:17,130
Boys are mean.

506
00:18:17,230 --> 00:18:18,831
You're right, Gloria.

507
00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:19,866
I am right?

508
00:18:19,966 --> 00:18:21,100
Mm.

509
00:18:21,201 --> 00:18:23,870
Oh, you know what I love
about this family?

510
00:18:23,970 --> 00:18:24,937
Mnh-mnh.

511
00:18:25,037 --> 00:18:28,208
We're not quitters --
especially you.

512
00:18:28,308 --> 00:18:33,012
Remember how hard it was
for you to learn how to swim?

513
00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:34,481
It wa hard.

514
00:18:35,282 --> 00:18:38,117
But now it's your favorite thing
in the world

515
00:18:38,218 --> 00:18:42,189
because it reminds you
of how strong you are.

516
00:18:42,289 --> 00:18:44,023
I mean,
I like to swim...

517
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:45,992
Tomorrow can
only be better.

518
00:18:46,092 --> 00:18:47,059
Mm.

519
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:48,695
But just in case,
I'll come at lunch,

520
00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:51,631
and I will kiss you
through the fence.

521
00:18:52,365 --> 00:18:54,066
How about I text you
around 11:00

522
00:18:54,167 --> 00:18:55,335
and let you know
how I'm doing?

523
00:18:55,435 --> 00:18:58,405
So, you want to tell me
why you're avoiding your mom?

524
00:18:58,505 --> 00:18:59,372
I'm not avoiding her.

525
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:01,308
Hey, what's --
what's all this?

526
00:19:01,408 --> 00:19:03,876
Danger O'Shea memorabilia.
I'm a big collector.

527
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:04,977
Who's Danger O'Shea?

528
00:19:05,077 --> 00:19:06,313
Legendary daredevil.

529
00:19:06,413 --> 00:19:09,081
Got famous for jumping over
a school bus on his motorcycle.

530
00:19:09,182 --> 00:19:10,550
Get over here!
Talk to me.

531
00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:12,485
Tell me why
you're avoiding your mom.

532
00:19:12,585 --> 00:19:13,753
Okay.

533
00:19:13,853 --> 00:19:16,389
Well, I've been on
a science track my whole life,

534
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:18,725
which my parents love --
"Alex the scientist."

535
00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:21,728
But...lately, I've been
having second thoughts.

536
00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:24,697
I've always loved singing,
and -- and I've been doing

537
00:19:24,797 --> 00:19:26,433
some open-mic nights
recently,

538
00:19:26,533 --> 00:19:28,235
and it's been going
really well.

539
00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:30,437
I see where this is going.
Sing for me.

540
00:19:30,537 --> 00:19:32,505
What, like...right now?

541
00:19:32,605 --> 00:19:33,940
Just sing.

542
00:19:36,042 --> 00:19:41,013
* Somewhere
over the rainbow *

543
00:19:41,113 --> 00:19:43,583
* Skies are blue

544
00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:45,518
That was great.

545
00:19:46,953 --> 00:19:48,221
Stick to science.

546
00:19:48,321 --> 00:19:51,190
Wow. You really got a knack
for pep talks in this house.

547
00:19:51,291 --> 00:19:53,393
I'm not saying
it's impossible.

548
00:19:53,493 --> 00:19:54,594
I'm saying play the odds.

549
00:19:54,694 --> 00:19:56,696
For example,
you take this O'Shea guy.

550
00:19:56,796 --> 00:19:58,931
Oh, good.
We're back to him.
But he was smart.

551
00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:01,701
He started a business,
got established.

552
00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:03,536
And when he couldn't kick
the daredevil dream,

553
00:20:03,636 --> 00:20:04,637
he went for it.

554
00:20:04,737 --> 00:20:06,406
And he was good --
real good --

555
00:20:06,506 --> 00:20:08,040
until that fateful day
he tried to jump

556
00:20:08,140 --> 00:20:10,943
over a motorcycle
in a school bus.

557
00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:13,446
Fortunately for him,
unlike his act,

558
00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:14,547
he had a safety net.

559
00:20:14,647 --> 00:20:16,816
His business.
Jumped right back in.

560
00:20:16,916 --> 00:20:18,150
Within a year,
it was bigger than ever.

561
00:20:18,251 --> 00:20:20,920
The point is, you've been on
the science track for 15 years.

562
00:20:21,020 --> 00:20:23,723
See it through.
Build a foundation.

563
00:20:23,823 --> 00:20:25,792
If in a couple of years,
you still have the singing bug,

564
00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:26,793
go for it!

565
00:20:26,893 --> 00:20:28,395
I guess you're right.

566
00:20:28,495 --> 00:20:30,062
It would be pretty dumb
of me

567
00:20:30,162 --> 00:20:31,898
to give up
on the career path I'm on.

568
00:20:31,998 --> 00:20:34,401
I could make half a mil
my first year out of school.

569
00:20:34,501 --> 00:20:36,269
Wow!
What do they pay men?

570
00:20:36,369 --> 00:20:37,570
(scoffs)

571
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:41,408
So, Danger never did
another stunt again?

572
00:20:41,508 --> 00:20:44,176
He still brings that maverick
spirit to everything he does,

573
00:20:44,277 --> 00:20:45,912
which is why he got
to the top of his industry.

574
00:20:46,012 --> 00:20:49,482
Some people think
it's the greatest stunt
he ever pulled off.

575
00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:50,683
(scoffs)

576
00:20:50,783 --> 00:20:53,152
Thanks for the talk...

577
00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:54,854
Danger.

578
00:20:57,957 --> 00:21:00,593
So, I won my case,
and even better,

579
00:21:00,693 --> 00:21:03,363
this is going up
at The Side Bar.
Yeah.

580
00:21:03,463 --> 00:21:05,031
And now maybe
you'll have some respect

581
00:21:05,131 --> 00:21:06,299
for my investigative
skills.

582
00:21:06,399 --> 00:21:09,001
It was a pretty simple case,
because, as I've said,

583
00:21:09,101 --> 00:21:12,171
everyone has
something to hide.

584
00:21:12,271 --> 00:21:13,673
Everyone.

585
00:21:23,516 --> 00:21:25,952
You know --
Everyone.

586
00:21:28,855 --> 00:21:31,123
-- Captions by VITA --