1
00:00:01,735 --> 00:00:03,671
(high-pitched scream)

2
00:00:03,771 --> 00:00:05,506
Oh, Mitchell.
Are you awake?

3
00:00:05,606 --> 00:00:07,441
Yeah, I think the lady
upstairs just screamed.

4
00:00:07,541 --> 00:00:09,710
Should we check on her?
No, that was me.

5
00:00:09,810 --> 00:00:12,413
Something terrible
just happened in the shower.

6
00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:14,115
Oh, God.
What did you try to shave?

7
00:00:14,215 --> 00:00:16,884
No, I forgot the words to
"Thank God I'm A Country Boy."

8
00:00:16,984 --> 00:00:18,219
Okay, two minutes ago,
I was on the back

9
00:00:18,319 --> 00:00:20,121
of a snowmobile
with Daniel Craig.

10
00:00:20,221 --> 00:00:22,456
Mitchell, I sang that song
my entire childhood.

11
00:00:22,556 --> 00:00:24,292
If I can't remember
the lyrics,

12
00:00:24,392 --> 00:00:26,627
that means I've lost complete
touch with my roots.

13
00:00:26,727 --> 00:00:28,529
How could
I let this happen?

14
00:00:28,629 --> 00:00:30,198
Don't be so hard
on yourself.

15
00:00:30,298 --> 00:00:31,965
I'm not.
This is mostly your doing.

16
00:00:32,066 --> 00:00:33,601
Should have
seen that coming.

17
00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:35,103
You have shamed
the country boy out of me.

18
00:00:35,203 --> 00:00:37,971
You roll your eyes when I say
"y'all" or "fixin'".

19
00:00:38,072 --> 00:00:39,573
You made me take down
our clothesline.

20
00:00:39,673 --> 00:00:41,575
I just asked that
we put it in the backyard.

21
00:00:41,675 --> 00:00:42,643
You know
what I have to do.

22
00:00:42,743 --> 00:00:44,078
Relearn the lyrics to --

23
00:00:44,178 --> 00:00:45,746
Get a chicken.

24
00:00:45,846 --> 00:00:48,048
So, apparently,
there's no legal reason

25
00:00:48,149 --> 00:00:49,883
why we can't have a chicken
in our backyard,

26
00:00:49,983 --> 00:00:52,420
and -- and I did
a real deep dive.

27
00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:56,990
Okay, so this is the kitchen,
which we recently remodeled.

28
00:00:57,091 --> 00:00:59,660
(clucking)
Get used to that.

29
00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:02,296
Okay, this is
the living room.

30
00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:08,236
**

31
00:01:08,336 --> 00:01:14,242
**

32
00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:20,148
Okay, so, you and Mom
will be in the chairs.

33
00:01:20,248 --> 00:01:22,916
Me, Haley, and Luke
will be on the couch.

34
00:01:23,016 --> 00:01:25,486
And the interviewer
will be right here.

35
00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:28,156
Alex is up for a very
prestigious government job

36
00:01:28,256 --> 00:01:30,624
that requires
a family interview.

37
00:01:30,724 --> 00:01:31,925
In case they bring
one of those memory zappers,

38
00:01:32,025 --> 00:01:34,628
I've Sharpied all the pertinent
information on my arm --

39
00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:36,029
PIN numbers, et cetera.

40
00:01:36,130 --> 00:01:37,365
Oh, honey, you don't think that
they're really going to --

41
00:01:37,465 --> 00:01:41,302
Oh, do not worry, little lady.
I got you covered.

42
00:01:41,402 --> 00:01:43,304
If you really want to
impress the interviewer,

43
00:01:43,404 --> 00:01:45,473
why don't you try
casually leaving out

44
00:01:45,573 --> 00:01:48,142
this completed
New York Times crossword

45
00:01:48,242 --> 00:01:49,977
that I found at the gym?

46
00:01:50,077 --> 00:01:52,313
Why bring a knife
to a gun fight?

47
00:01:52,413 --> 00:01:54,615
How about I lay out
the family heirloom?

48
00:01:54,715 --> 00:01:57,618
1931.
Great-grandpa Ted Dunphy

49
00:01:57,718 --> 00:02:00,621
is driving south from Modesto
one foggy evening.

50
00:02:00,721 --> 00:02:02,122
He picks up
a stranded motorist

51
00:02:02,223 --> 00:02:04,124
and drives him
to a gas station.

52
00:02:04,225 --> 00:02:07,461
The man has no money,
so Ted pays for his gas.

53
00:02:07,561 --> 00:02:08,796
The man thanks him
with a quick drawing

54
00:02:08,896 --> 00:02:10,130
on a cocktail napkin.

55
00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:13,401
For you see, that man...
was Walt Disney.

56
00:02:13,501 --> 00:02:17,738
And this familiar fellow
is Mickey Mouse.

57
00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:20,408
Yeah, no thanks on the heirloom
or the crossword, guys.

58
00:02:20,508 --> 00:02:22,410
Let's just keep it simple, okay?

59
00:02:22,510 --> 00:02:24,578
Honey, relax.
You're awesome.

60
00:02:24,678 --> 00:02:27,248
It's gonna go great.

61
00:02:27,348 --> 00:02:28,916
Just as soon as we get
this chair back

62
00:02:29,016 --> 00:02:32,186
to where it's been ever since
we've lived in this house.

63
00:02:32,286 --> 00:02:34,488
Mom, can you please stop
managing everything?

64
00:02:34,588 --> 00:02:35,989
You mean like when she cleaned
my hat collection

65
00:02:36,089 --> 00:02:37,491
out of the front closet
in case the interviewer

66
00:02:37,591 --> 00:02:38,692
looked in there?

67
00:02:38,792 --> 00:02:40,027
Honey, you never wore
those hats,

68
00:02:40,127 --> 00:02:41,995
and the charity
was glad to get them.

69
00:02:42,095 --> 00:02:43,664
Maybe you should have also
donated my dream of one day

70
00:02:43,764 --> 00:02:45,533
going to the Kentucky Derby
or Easter at a black church.

71
00:02:45,633 --> 00:02:48,702
Hey, Alex. Quick tip.
Smile during the interview.

72
00:02:48,802 --> 00:02:51,038
I've been learning a lot about
different personality types

73
00:02:51,138 --> 00:02:53,907
in my psych course, and you're
kind of textbook borderline --

74
00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:55,409
all brains, no empathy.

75
00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:57,745
You know, Luke,
we are so very proud

76
00:02:57,845 --> 00:02:59,079
of all the hard work
you're doing,

77
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:01,249
and I look forward
to hearing your insights

78
00:03:01,349 --> 00:03:02,550
when you finish chapter two.

79
00:03:03,984 --> 00:03:06,119
But for now, maybe you could
just put that book away.
(chair scraping)

80
00:03:06,220 --> 00:03:07,755
No surprise
you'd say that.

81
00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:09,590
Controlling, obsessive --

82
00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:11,759
classic Commandant
personality type.

83
00:03:11,859 --> 00:03:13,394
Ooh, burn.

84
00:03:13,494 --> 00:03:15,095
Oh, grow up, Haley.

85
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:16,230
Sadly, she can't.

86
00:03:16,330 --> 00:03:18,899
Such is the plight of
the Peter Pan personality.

87
00:03:18,999 --> 00:03:20,901
You're saying Haley
refuses to grow up?

88
00:03:21,001 --> 00:03:22,236
I don't believe that.

89
00:03:22,336 --> 00:03:24,738
Which brings us to another type,
the Dreamer --

90
00:03:24,838 --> 00:03:28,075
head in the clouds,
tends to be naive, gullible.

91
00:03:28,175 --> 00:03:30,278
I love that
you're smart now.

92
00:03:30,378 --> 00:03:33,247
That's your classic
game-day breakfast --

93
00:03:33,347 --> 00:03:34,415
your carbs, fiber,
your protein.

94
00:03:34,515 --> 00:03:36,083
You throw a shot of brandy
in there,

95
00:03:36,183 --> 00:03:37,618
you'll be ready to play
in the Ice Bowl.

96
00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:41,622
I don't eat beets.
Never have, never will.

97
00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:43,624
When you were 2, you ate
a dime and a butterfly.

98
00:03:43,724 --> 00:03:44,925
Now your body is a temple?

99
00:03:45,025 --> 00:03:46,760
He can eat a protein bar
in the car.

100
00:03:46,860 --> 00:03:49,997
We still have to pick up some
players that live far away.

101
00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:51,499
Gloria,
this is not okay.

102
00:03:51,599 --> 00:03:52,500
It's legal.

103
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:54,502
They have P.O. boxes
in the district.

104
00:03:54,602 --> 00:03:57,070
And besides,
everybody bends the rules.

105
00:03:57,170 --> 00:03:59,407
I swear the goalie
from the other team

106
00:03:59,507 --> 00:04:01,074
has been my Uber driver.

107
00:04:01,174 --> 00:04:02,910
Gloria,
I'm trying to get the kid

108
00:04:03,010 --> 00:04:05,346
to eat his vegetables.
I could use a little support.

109
00:04:05,446 --> 00:04:06,480
Why aren't you dressed?

110
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:09,317
You're supposed to referee
two games today.

111
00:04:09,417 --> 00:04:10,484
I told you I don't
want to do that!

112
00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:12,152
I got my boxing match
tonight.

113
00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:14,355
Besides, those ref outfits
are stupid.

114
00:04:14,455 --> 00:04:15,856
Walk it off.
You're fine.

115
00:04:15,956 --> 00:04:19,159
Move it, Joe.
You're not hearing that?

116
00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:23,531
So, Haley,
you tell us about Alex.

117
00:04:23,631 --> 00:04:26,199
Well, it was not easy
sharing a room with a genius.
(chuckles)

118
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:28,869
She was always up reading
and calculating,

119
00:04:28,969 --> 00:04:30,804
but she also
inspired me.

120
00:04:30,904 --> 00:04:32,039
When I turned 21,
I said,

121
00:04:32,139 --> 00:04:34,875
"Haley, time to be
your own woman,"

122
00:04:34,975 --> 00:04:36,344
and I moved
into the basement.

123
00:04:36,444 --> 00:04:38,512
I'm sorry. I don't --
I don't mean to interrupt,

124
00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:40,681
but I just keep replaying

125
00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:43,451
my answer to you
about my parenting style.

126
00:04:43,551 --> 00:04:45,118
Oh, don't give it
a second thought.

127
00:04:45,218 --> 00:04:47,120
But when I said
I wanted to run away

128
00:04:47,220 --> 00:04:48,656
and never come back,
that was a joke.

129
00:04:48,756 --> 00:04:50,223
Yeah, absolutely.
I know.

130
00:04:50,324 --> 00:04:51,792
It's just that you
wrote it down --

131
00:04:51,892 --> 00:04:53,627
Mom, let it go.
Okay.

132
00:04:53,727 --> 00:04:57,130
So, Alex, I see you spent
your summer in Honduras.

133
00:04:57,230 --> 00:05:00,401
Any other travel
that inspired...

134
00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:01,669
Mrs. Dunphy?

135
00:05:01,769 --> 00:05:04,505
If you could maybe just make
a little, like, L-O-L

136
00:05:04,605 --> 00:05:07,074
next to my joke,
so then it's super clear.

137
00:05:07,174 --> 00:05:08,909
Australia, a camping trip
to Costa Rica,

138
00:05:09,009 --> 00:05:11,078
and a month in Europe.
Excellent.

139
00:05:11,178 --> 00:05:13,747
Well, she does come by
her wanderlust honestly.

140
00:05:13,847 --> 00:05:15,749
The kids here all know
about my high school trip

141
00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:18,018
to the Soviet Union.

142
00:05:18,118 --> 00:05:19,687
Yeah, but she doesn't
need to hear about that.

143
00:05:19,787 --> 00:05:22,222
No, please. Continue.
In the depths of the Cold War,

144
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:24,525
my tumbling team was part
of a cultural exchange.

145
00:05:24,625 --> 00:05:26,727
I became friends with
a Russian tumbler named Sergei

146
00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:29,062
who wanted to hear
all about the U.S.

147
00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:31,331
He asked me to -- to send
pictures when I got home,

148
00:05:31,432 --> 00:05:32,933
and not just touristy stuff.

149
00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:34,768
Sergei was interested
in ordinary things --

150
00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:38,105
uh, airports, um, power plants,
train stations.

151
00:05:38,205 --> 00:05:40,073
His family was in
the fence business.

152
00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:43,076
He said our military had
the best fencing...

153
00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:44,578
(chuckling)
...in the world.

154
00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:47,247
I must have sent him
50 pictures

155
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,049
of the perimeter
of Camp Pendleton.

156
00:05:49,917 --> 00:05:52,853
Anyway, we don't want to
take up your whole day.

157
00:05:52,953 --> 00:05:54,688
You wouldn't have time
to write up your report,

158
00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:56,690
Which you could title
Alex Dunphy:

159
00:05:56,790 --> 00:05:59,693
The Apple that fell
very far from the Tree.

160
00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:01,729
Thank you all very much.
I will be in touch.

161
00:06:01,829 --> 00:06:02,730
-Thank you.
-Okay, bye-bye.

162
00:06:02,830 --> 00:06:05,098
-Fun chatting.
-You know what?

163
00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:07,901
We Dunphys clean up pretty well
when we want to, don't we?

164
00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:09,537
Are you kidding me?

165
00:06:09,637 --> 00:06:13,206
Mom, did you really have to
OCD all over her notebook?

166
00:06:13,306 --> 00:06:15,042
And you, bragging about

167
00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:17,210
still living at home at,
like, what? 30?

168
00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:19,813
And Dad, well done.

169
00:06:19,913 --> 00:06:21,615
There's nothing
that cinches a government job

170
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,717
like finding out your dad
was a Russian spy!

171
00:06:23,817 --> 00:06:25,385
Luke was right
about all of you.

172
00:06:25,486 --> 00:06:27,888
Commandant, Peter Pan,
Dreamer.

173
00:06:27,988 --> 00:06:29,890
Thank you, Alexandra.
It's not easy

174
00:06:29,990 --> 00:06:31,492
being the smart ones
in this family.

175
00:06:31,592 --> 00:06:33,326
Don't compare us!

176
00:06:33,427 --> 00:06:34,995
Your last English paper
came back

177
00:06:35,095 --> 00:06:37,965
with a Garfield sticker on it
that said "Way to go!"

178
00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:40,468
That's the second highest
sticker she gives out!

179
00:06:40,568 --> 00:06:42,770
(footsteps departing)

180
00:06:46,674 --> 00:06:49,510
Another fresh one,
courtesy of Princess Layer.

181
00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:50,678
Another new name?
(door closes)

182
00:06:50,778 --> 00:06:53,113
She's already been Egg Ryan
and Chicky Minaj.

183
00:06:53,213 --> 00:06:55,115
I know having a chicken
isn't your dream.

184
00:06:55,215 --> 00:06:57,117
But if it makes you
feel any better,

185
00:06:57,217 --> 00:06:59,019
I think I know
who I am again.

186
00:06:59,119 --> 00:07:01,855
A person who hates chickens!

187
00:07:01,955 --> 00:07:05,493
They are filthy
and beyond stupid.

188
00:07:05,593 --> 00:07:06,660
The moment
I can find the receipt,

189
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:07,995
I am returning that chicken.

190
00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:09,162
But I'm not gonna
let Mitchell know because,

191
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:12,132
like that vile bird,
I made a big stink.

192
00:07:12,232 --> 00:07:15,268
Oh. We're out of
chicken feed again?

193
00:07:15,368 --> 00:07:17,270
I have a meeting
at the school today

194
00:07:17,370 --> 00:07:18,271
with the homecoming
committee.

195
00:07:18,371 --> 00:07:19,973
If polling is correct,
the new queen

196
00:07:20,073 --> 00:07:21,108
is gonna be
in a wheelchair,

197
00:07:21,208 --> 00:07:22,610
and we already
blew our ramp budget

198
00:07:22,710 --> 00:07:25,312
on a balloon drop,
so could you maybe --

199
00:07:25,412 --> 00:07:26,647
Cam, this will be
my third trip

200
00:07:26,747 --> 00:07:28,148
to the feed and grain store
this week.

201
00:07:28,248 --> 00:07:30,150
We agreed that
you'd be the one

202
00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:33,220
to take care of
this awful thing.

203
00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:36,056
I've never really felt
a connection to animals,

204
00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:38,659
but there's just something
about that chicken.

205
00:07:38,759 --> 00:07:41,328
The soulful eyes,
the nervous movements,

206
00:07:41,428 --> 00:07:44,164
the cute little splash
of red on top.

207
00:07:44,264 --> 00:07:45,733
She's just likeable.

208
00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:47,901
Plus, I love going
to that feed store.

209
00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:50,804
T-The second I walk through
the door, I'm one of them.

210
00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:54,575
Howdy, Bobby.
Hey.

211
00:07:54,675 --> 00:07:55,576
Smells like rain.

212
00:07:55,676 --> 00:07:57,077
What are you doing back
so soon?

213
00:07:57,177 --> 00:07:58,178
Yeah, I told you
you got to buy

214
00:07:58,278 --> 00:08:00,080
more than one bag
of feed at a time.

215
00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:01,181
No, it's no bother.

216
00:08:01,281 --> 00:08:03,517
No, it's nice to
get out of the field,

217
00:08:03,617 --> 00:08:05,853
away from the chicken...s.

218
00:08:05,953 --> 00:08:07,020
(birds chirping)

219
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:08,221
Evenin'.

220
00:08:09,857 --> 00:08:11,424
The problem is
I can't let Cam know

221
00:08:11,525 --> 00:08:14,261
that I'm enjoying my new life
as a gentleman farmer.

222
00:08:14,361 --> 00:08:16,263
I-I've spent
our whole relationship

223
00:08:16,363 --> 00:08:18,932
trying to tamp down
his farm-ness.

224
00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:20,601
Ugh, it's all the encouragement
he'd need

225
00:08:20,701 --> 00:08:24,104
to -- to move us to Missouri
and go full Old MacDonald.

226
00:08:24,204 --> 00:08:26,373
E-I-E-I-no.
(clicks tongue)

227
00:08:28,175 --> 00:08:31,244
Did I leave that unlatched?
Oh, God.

228
00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:34,715
Hennifer? Hennifer?!

229
00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:38,385
Hey, are you Ridley?
I'm reffing the 1:00 game.

230
00:08:38,485 --> 00:08:41,421
Hey, do I get my voucher
for a hot dog before or after?

231
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,791
Oh...Hey.
You got your whistle?

232
00:08:43,891 --> 00:08:45,292
Oh, damn.
I forgot it.

233
00:08:45,392 --> 00:08:48,428
Late and no whistle? Where's
your respect for the game?

234
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:49,763
On a football field
somewhere.

235
00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:51,965
Hey, what do you say
I borrow yours?
Are you kidding?

236
00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:53,466
I just lost six weeks
of school to mono.

237
00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:54,602
You're on field 4.

238
00:08:55,703 --> 00:08:58,606
All right.
Let's get this over with.

239
00:08:58,706 --> 00:09:00,440
You are the referee
for my game?

240
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:01,942
You don't know anything
about soccer.

241
00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:04,277
Take that up with the lady
who forced me into this.

242
00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:06,279
(sighs)
Okay, purple, let's go!

243
00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:08,081
Joe, Finn,
Clyde up front!

244
00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:09,917
Lucas, Dylan,
Chad in the back!

245
00:09:10,017 --> 00:09:11,919
Estefan, in goal!

246
00:09:12,019 --> 00:09:13,754
I'm guessing that Estefan
is the kid

247
00:09:13,854 --> 00:09:15,155
who lives
out of the district?

248
00:09:15,255 --> 00:09:17,257
His legs are hairier
than mine,

249
00:09:17,357 --> 00:09:19,326
and I think he was wearing
a wedding ring.

250
00:09:19,426 --> 00:09:22,930
Let's get this party started,
rookie.

251
00:09:23,964 --> 00:09:28,268
Okay, they won't start
unless you use the whistle.

252
00:09:28,368 --> 00:09:31,238
Whistle! Whistle!

253
00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:34,441
Clyde, it's open!
Yes!

254
00:09:34,541 --> 00:09:37,678
Whistle! No goal!
Purple offside!

255
00:09:37,778 --> 00:09:40,247
Offside?
Are you blind?
RIDLEY: He's right.

256
00:09:40,347 --> 00:09:42,515
Free kick for red
right where the ball is.

257
00:09:42,616 --> 00:09:45,185
Yes, free kick for red
right where the ball is.

258
00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:47,154
And...whistle.

259
00:09:48,455 --> 00:09:51,158
For the first time in weeks,
Gloria had to listen to me.

260
00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:53,961
I was in charge.
Ridley said so.

261
00:09:54,061 --> 00:09:56,296
Goal, yes!

262
00:09:56,396 --> 00:09:58,298
Coach, you're running up
the score.

263
00:09:58,398 --> 00:09:59,967
You got to sub in
some of your weaker players.

264
00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:02,202
How about this kid with the neck
pillow? It's usually a tip-off.

265
00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:04,537
I'm not running up the score.
I'm winning.

266
00:10:04,638 --> 00:10:07,507
You either make the substitution
or you are leaving my field.

267
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:09,342
Pbht.
That's it! Whistle!

268
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:10,343
You're out of here!

269
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:12,680
(shouting in Spanish)

270
00:10:12,780 --> 00:10:13,714
Doesn't frighten me.

271
00:10:13,814 --> 00:10:16,850
(air hisses)

272
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,351
How about that?

273
00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:19,486
A little bit.

274
00:10:19,586 --> 00:10:21,021
(ringing)

275
00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:22,155
(click)

276
00:10:22,255 --> 00:10:23,657
DYLAN: Oh, hey, Haley.
What's up?

277
00:10:23,757 --> 00:10:25,492
I'm kind of mad
at my family, actually.

278
00:10:25,592 --> 00:10:28,161
They keep saying I have one of
those Peter Pan personalities,

279
00:10:28,261 --> 00:10:29,663
so, um, change of plans.

280
00:10:29,763 --> 00:10:31,064
We're going to a play,
not the circus.

281
00:10:31,164 --> 00:10:32,132
Wait, what?

282
00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:33,400
Dylan, don't make
a thing out of this.

283
00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:34,567
The elephant's
not going to remember

284
00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:36,136
you promised
to see him next year.

285
00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:39,639
No, Haley. I-I can't hear you.
Bad reception.

286
00:10:39,740 --> 00:10:40,808
Let me move up.

287
00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:46,079
PHIL: Was Alex right?

288
00:10:46,179 --> 00:10:49,582
Had I been an unwitting --
an unwitting spy?

289
00:10:49,683 --> 00:10:52,352
I even dug out an old article
they'd done on me

290
00:10:52,452 --> 00:10:54,187
in a Russian newspaper
during my trip.

291
00:10:54,287 --> 00:10:56,023
Sergei told me
the headline said,

292
00:10:56,123 --> 00:10:58,391
"Young Tumbler's
Mission of Friendship."
(click, beep)

293
00:10:58,491 --> 00:10:59,727
A quick scan
into Google Translate

294
00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:01,161
revealed the truth --

295
00:11:01,261 --> 00:11:05,032
"Famous Tumbler
Denounces the West."

296
00:11:05,132 --> 00:11:06,700
I needed some fresh air
to clear my head.

297
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:08,368
Had I been that big a dupe
in high school?

298
00:11:08,468 --> 00:11:09,536
And if so,
what was stopping them

299
00:11:09,636 --> 00:11:11,338
from trying to
use me again today?

300
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,849
Hey, Mr. D!

301
00:11:21,949 --> 00:11:25,385
Hey, hey, hey!
What's up, buddy?!

302
00:11:31,792 --> 00:11:34,094
Makes you crazy,
doesn't it, Commandant?

303
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:35,295
No.

304
00:11:35,395 --> 00:11:37,965
So you weren't about to
straighten that chair?

305
00:11:38,065 --> 00:11:40,467
Because if the whole world
isn't completely ordered,

306
00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:42,402
it feels like your skin
is on fire?

307
00:11:42,502 --> 00:11:44,905
This is literally
armchair psychology.

308
00:11:45,005 --> 00:11:48,308
Luke, your label for me
was spot on. I am a Dreamer.

309
00:11:48,408 --> 00:11:50,143
No, worse, I'm a --
I'm a patsy,

310
00:11:50,243 --> 00:11:52,245
a mark,
a full-on sucker!

311
00:11:52,345 --> 00:11:53,981
Phil, calm down.
You're not a dupe.

312
00:11:54,081 --> 00:11:55,715
Have a seat.

313
00:11:55,816 --> 00:11:56,716
Sad.
Hmm.

314
00:11:56,817 --> 00:11:58,318
Hey, guys.
Hey, Dylan.

315
00:11:58,418 --> 00:12:00,754
Sweet lid.
What did it cost you?
Zilch.

316
00:12:00,854 --> 00:12:03,123
Someone threw a bunch of them
in the trash across the street.

317
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:05,125
So, uh, Haley's
waiting for you downstairs.

318
00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:07,060
Off you go.
Hang on. I used to have a Panama
that looked a little like --

319
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:08,328
And my fedora!

320
00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:10,831
You duped me into believing
we were donating them to ISSBA,

321
00:12:10,931 --> 00:12:12,833
and you were just gonna
throw them in the trash.

322
00:12:12,933 --> 00:12:14,667
But this doesn't just hurt me,
Claire.

323
00:12:14,768 --> 00:12:16,236
What about the poor people
at the Institute

324
00:12:16,336 --> 00:12:19,339
for Sun-Sensitive Bald...
Americans?

325
00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:20,841
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry, Phil.

326
00:12:20,941 --> 00:12:22,675
It's just that woman was
coming and the interview --

327
00:12:22,776 --> 00:12:24,344
and there was
all that clutter.

328
00:12:24,444 --> 00:12:26,847
I'm sick.
Tell him, Luke.

329
00:12:26,947 --> 00:12:28,849
Save it, Claire. You think of me
what everyone thinks of me.

330
00:12:28,949 --> 00:12:32,119
I'm a rube, a pigeon,
a greenhorn.

331
00:12:32,219 --> 00:12:34,187
Okay, Dylan. Let's get you
changed and lose the hat.

332
00:12:34,287 --> 00:12:35,522
It's rude to block
people's views

333
00:12:35,622 --> 00:12:37,157
where we'll be spending
our afternoon...

334
00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:39,492
at an adult theater.

335
00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:41,328
Huh.

336
00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:42,996
I mean, we all knew

337
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:44,331
there was gonna be
a third one, right?

338
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:45,532
I didn't!
Okay.

339
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:50,203
I must have left the latch open.
You probably did.

340
00:12:50,303 --> 00:12:53,206
I -- I know how much
that chicken means to you.

341
00:12:53,306 --> 00:12:54,541
So much.

342
00:12:54,641 --> 00:12:55,876
And now something
this painful --

343
00:12:55,976 --> 00:12:59,446
I-I don't think I could
have a chicken again ever.

344
00:12:59,546 --> 00:13:01,514
Wait, wait.
T-The security camera.

345
00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:03,683
We can -- We can find out
exactly what happened.

346
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:05,518
Oh, yeah.
I...forgot about that.

347
00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:07,354
Mitchell, Mitchell,
wait, wait.

348
00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:08,989
You're not used to the harsh
realities of farm life.

349
00:13:09,089 --> 00:13:11,691
All these animals --
they seem so sweet,

350
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:14,227
but it's a bloodbath at
the first sign of weakness,

351
00:13:14,327 --> 00:13:15,362
like dinner
with our friends

352
00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:17,397
when one person gets up
from the table.

353
00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:20,667
Oh, my God. Okay,
well, you -- you look
and tell me what happened.
Okay.

354
00:13:20,767 --> 00:13:23,470
And later, tell me what people
say when I leave the table.

355
00:13:23,570 --> 00:13:26,706
Okay, well,
nothing happening yet.

356
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:27,707
Okay, you know,
I want to see.

357
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:30,177
No. No, no, no. Don't.

358
00:13:30,277 --> 00:13:31,845
(gasps) Oh, no.
Oh, no.

359
00:13:31,945 --> 00:13:33,847
Something's come
into the backyard.
What?

360
00:13:33,947 --> 00:13:35,215
I think it's a raccoon.

361
00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:38,151
Oh! Oh, the --
Oh, the horror!

362
00:13:38,251 --> 00:13:39,386
Oh, my God!

363
00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:40,921
No, no.
No, she's fighting.

364
00:13:41,021 --> 00:13:42,589
She's fighting, Mitchell,
with every fiber...

365
00:13:42,689 --> 00:13:44,691
That's right.
...of her indomitable
chicken-y spirit.

366
00:13:44,791 --> 00:13:46,994
And it's over.
Oh, gosh.

367
00:13:47,094 --> 00:13:48,495
Well, that's the worst
farm calamity I've seen

368
00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:50,530
since a dinner theater
production of Oklahoma!

369
00:13:50,630 --> 00:13:52,532
starring
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

370
00:13:52,632 --> 00:13:54,234
Delete. Hmm.

371
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:55,502
Where's the body?

372
00:13:55,602 --> 00:13:57,570
Um, dragged off.

373
00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:58,906
Well, then she could
still be alive!

374
00:13:59,006 --> 00:14:00,073
W-We have to look
for her.

375
00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:02,342
Okay. G-Grab her favorite
squeak toy.

376
00:14:02,442 --> 00:14:03,410
Okay, well, which --
which one?

377
00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:05,445
Squirrely Temple
or Lionardo DiCaprio?

378
00:14:05,545 --> 00:14:06,579
It's like you don't
even know her.

379
00:14:08,548 --> 00:14:12,719
"Dead-end alcoholics...broken
lives, and broken dreams..."

380
00:14:12,819 --> 00:14:14,721
Nope,
nothing about Spider-Man.

381
00:14:14,821 --> 00:14:16,723
Must be a different Iceman
that cometh.

382
00:14:16,823 --> 00:14:18,926
That's okay.
It could still be good.

383
00:14:19,026 --> 00:14:20,961
But, Dylan,
you have to stop looking

384
00:14:21,061 --> 00:14:22,862
at the carnival
over there.

385
00:14:22,963 --> 00:14:25,465
I'm sorry, but it just
might be easier to enjoy

386
00:14:25,565 --> 00:14:28,468
this unsparing look
at life's castoffs

387
00:14:28,568 --> 00:14:31,638
if I knew that afterwards,
we were gonna walketh over there

388
00:14:31,738 --> 00:14:33,473
and goeth
to the bumper cars.

389
00:14:33,573 --> 00:14:35,642
I'm literally asking
for only...

390
00:14:35,742 --> 00:14:37,210
4 1/2 hours?

391
00:14:37,310 --> 00:14:40,047
Look. I know you want to prove
that we're mature adults,

392
00:14:40,147 --> 00:14:41,548
but look at this line.

393
00:14:41,648 --> 00:14:43,650
We are
the young people here.

394
00:14:43,750 --> 00:14:44,884
Whereas...

395
00:14:44,985 --> 00:14:46,719
At the carnival,
we'd be, like,

396
00:14:46,819 --> 00:14:48,888
the oldest people there?

397
00:14:48,989 --> 00:14:50,723
May I remind you what
they said to us last time

398
00:14:50,823 --> 00:14:52,559
when they escorted us
out of the ball pit?

399
00:14:52,659 --> 00:14:55,963
"Excuse me, but this attraction
really isn't for..."

400
00:14:56,063 --> 00:14:57,630
"Adults."
Aha.

401
00:14:57,730 --> 00:15:01,134
M'lady.
M'Dylan.

402
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:02,502
(footsteps approach)

403
00:15:02,602 --> 00:15:04,004
Okay,
we need to talk.

404
00:15:04,104 --> 00:15:05,605
You bet
we need to talk.

405
00:15:05,705 --> 00:15:07,407
I was out of bounds throwing
you out of that game.

406
00:15:07,507 --> 00:15:10,343
You bet you were out of bounds
throwing me out of that game.

407
00:15:10,443 --> 00:15:12,179
But it was all my fault,
Jay.

408
00:15:12,279 --> 00:15:13,947
You bet it was
all my fault, Jay --

409
00:15:14,047 --> 00:15:15,782
Don't Bugs Bunny me.
(foot stomps)

410
00:15:15,882 --> 00:15:18,451
Okay. So we both
like to be in charge.

411
00:15:18,551 --> 00:15:21,421
But when it comes to Joe,
can we both be on the same page?

412
00:15:21,521 --> 00:15:23,123
Like this morning when
I was trying to get him
to eat his vegetables?

413
00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:25,492
Back me up.

414
00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:27,660
I knew I should have
thrown away those beets!

415
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,362
Stupid. What am I, 4?

416
00:15:29,462 --> 00:15:32,865
I guess we're not setting
a very good example.

417
00:15:32,966 --> 00:15:34,667
Exactly! When we say no
to each other,

418
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:36,803
he thinks he can say
no to us.

419
00:15:36,903 --> 00:15:38,638
Yeah, like for his homework,
his bedtime --

420
00:15:38,738 --> 00:15:40,640
Or something important
like eating those nutritious...

421
00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:42,475
(lid creaks)

422
00:15:42,575 --> 00:15:44,111
Whistle!
Whistle!

423
00:15:44,211 --> 00:15:46,313
(sighs)
Phil, look.

424
00:15:46,413 --> 00:15:48,948
I'm really sorry
I lied to you about the hats.

425
00:15:49,049 --> 00:15:50,850
But in all fairness,
you do have a tendency to --

426
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:53,020
This again? How I can't
throw anything away?

427
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:56,689
We have 100 episodes
of Hoarders on DVR

428
00:15:56,789 --> 00:15:58,358
in case you
want to watch them again.

429
00:15:58,458 --> 00:15:59,526
That's not what
this is about.

430
00:15:59,626 --> 00:16:01,028
This is about me
blindly believing

431
00:16:01,128 --> 00:16:02,895
whatever
anybody tells me.

432
00:16:02,996 --> 00:16:04,864
You're being too hard
on yourself.

433
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:06,666
You want to see
the best in people.

434
00:16:06,766 --> 00:16:08,735
It doesn't mean you're gonna
believe just anything.

435
00:16:08,835 --> 00:16:11,238
Really? What about our beloved
family heirloom?

436
00:16:11,338 --> 00:16:12,639
Claire?
Hmm?

437
00:16:12,739 --> 00:16:15,742
Is this real, or am I just a
fourth-generation Dunphy dummy?

438
00:16:15,842 --> 00:16:20,413
Well, uh, Mickey's shoulders
are a bit muscular.

439
00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:23,083
But, perhaps,
Walt customized it

440
00:16:23,183 --> 00:16:25,418
for your great-grandfather
because he was, uh --

441
00:16:25,518 --> 00:16:26,719
He was a longshoreman?

442
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:27,987
He sold ladies' bonnets.
Oh.

443
00:16:28,088 --> 00:16:29,522
Mom, can you slip
Dad's credit card

444
00:16:29,622 --> 00:16:30,890
back in his wallet
before he --

445
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:33,326
Oh. Hey, handsome.

446
00:16:33,426 --> 00:16:34,561
Further proof of how
you all see me --

447
00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:36,329
as a turnip truck
faller-offer!

448
00:16:36,429 --> 00:16:38,665
No.
Then I'll ask you.

449
00:16:38,765 --> 00:16:42,569
Do you believe that this
was drawn by Walt Disney?

450
00:16:42,669 --> 00:16:43,670
Uh...

451
00:16:43,770 --> 00:16:45,405
Alex, get in here.

452
00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:47,040
Alex!
No, honey, you know what
she's gonna say.

453
00:16:47,140 --> 00:16:48,741
Her optometrist won't even
let her wear contacts

454
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:51,911
'cause of all the excessive
eye rolling -- Hi.

455
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:53,780
I need to know the truth.
(sighs)

456
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:56,749
Alex,
real or unreal?

457
00:16:57,850 --> 00:16:58,785
Real.

458
00:16:58,885 --> 00:17:01,288
Yeah, it's a little off,
but didn't you say

459
00:17:01,388 --> 00:17:03,290
he had to draw it
in the back of a truck?

460
00:17:03,390 --> 00:17:04,957
And what hitchhiker

461
00:17:05,058 --> 00:17:06,793
would be carrying around
a drafting pencil

462
00:17:06,893 --> 00:17:08,428
if he wasn't some sort
of an animator?

463
00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:12,932
And who would run out of gas
on the side of the road

464
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:14,434
but a starry-eyed dreamer
envisioning

465
00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:15,868
the happiest place
on earth?

466
00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:18,538
So...real.

467
00:17:18,638 --> 00:17:19,906
Also I got the job.

468
00:17:20,006 --> 00:17:21,441
What?
Hey.

469
00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:23,543
Yeah, they just called.
I'm still in shock myself.

470
00:17:23,643 --> 00:17:25,245
Oh, honey.
I'm so proud of you.

471
00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:27,814
Oh, let me get some champagne.
Luke, help me with the glasses.

472
00:17:27,914 --> 00:17:31,118
Alex, that's amazing.
I knew you could do it.

473
00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:32,419
You say that
about everything.

474
00:17:32,519 --> 00:17:35,122
Well, I know, but --
No, thank you.

475
00:17:35,222 --> 00:17:38,991
Riding a bike,
my first cello concert,

476
00:17:39,092 --> 00:17:41,828
freshman chemistry,
this job --

477
00:17:41,928 --> 00:17:44,664
every time I was sure
I couldn't do something,

478
00:17:44,764 --> 00:17:45,965
you convinced me I could.

479
00:17:46,966 --> 00:17:49,636
It's nice to have
a believer in the house.

480
00:17:54,474 --> 00:17:57,744
(toy squeaking)

481
00:17:57,844 --> 00:17:59,579
I don't see her anywhere.

482
00:17:59,679 --> 00:18:01,748
All right, let's maybe turn
around and look over there?

483
00:18:01,848 --> 00:18:03,783
Okay, Mitchell, why would
the chicken cross the road?

484
00:18:03,883 --> 00:18:06,286
We were never finding
that chicken.

485
00:18:06,386 --> 00:18:08,621
After an unpleasant struggle
that I only won

486
00:18:08,721 --> 00:18:11,090
after sustaining
multiple scratches,

487
00:18:11,191 --> 00:18:12,592
I put it in the back seat
of my car,

488
00:18:12,692 --> 00:18:15,928
drove it to the egg farm,
and lobbed it over the fence.

489
00:18:16,028 --> 00:18:17,864
They can fly a little.

490
00:18:17,964 --> 00:18:20,200
Oh, your arm's all scratched up.
What happened?

491
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:22,034
Oh, um, it's probably
from when I was trying to

492
00:18:22,135 --> 00:18:24,537
break that fight up with those,
um -- those blue jays.

493
00:18:24,637 --> 00:18:26,206
Oh.
Oh, gosh. Oh, God.

494
00:18:26,306 --> 00:18:27,374
(yawning)
Oh, man.

495
00:18:27,474 --> 00:18:29,809
I am all of a sudden
feeling very tired.

496
00:18:29,909 --> 00:18:31,511
Well, do you want me to drive?
No, no, it's fine.

497
00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:34,847
Cam, watch out!
Oh, my God!
(tires screech)

498
00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:36,683
(exhales deeply)

499
00:18:36,783 --> 00:18:38,285
You got rid
of Hennifer.

500
00:18:39,286 --> 00:18:41,020
(sighs)
Okay, I admit it.

501
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:42,955
I hated that chicken,
and I was too ashamed

502
00:18:43,055 --> 00:18:45,292
to say anything because I --
I made such a big stink

503
00:18:45,392 --> 00:18:47,126
out of you shaming
the country out of me.

504
00:18:47,227 --> 00:18:48,161
I'm sorry.

505
00:18:48,261 --> 00:18:49,562
I have a confession.

506
00:18:49,662 --> 00:18:51,798
I love that chicken.
Really?

507
00:18:51,898 --> 00:18:54,066
I-I didn't want to admit it
because I like to see myself

508
00:18:54,167 --> 00:18:56,569
as a sort of, you know,
sophisticated urbanite.

509
00:18:56,669 --> 00:18:58,238
(chuckles)
But I guess you --

510
00:18:58,338 --> 00:18:59,706
you countrified me
a little.

511
00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:01,908
Well, you citified me.

512
00:19:02,008 --> 00:19:03,910
Aww, that's kind of sweet.
It is.

513
00:19:04,010 --> 00:19:05,412
You know, now we just
need to find an activity

514
00:19:05,512 --> 00:19:08,581
that satisfies the straw-chewing
country boy in you

515
00:19:08,681 --> 00:19:11,851
and the window-shopping
cosmopolitan in me.

516
00:19:13,886 --> 00:19:16,088
Drive up the road a piece.

517
00:19:16,189 --> 00:19:18,825
Now, will this horse shampoo
harm a cat?

518
00:19:18,925 --> 00:19:20,327
Because I just --
I love the scent.

519
00:19:20,427 --> 00:19:21,328
(sniffs)

520
00:19:21,428 --> 00:19:22,662
Collar up or down?

521
00:19:22,762 --> 00:19:23,896
Uh, down.

522
00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:25,765
Mm-hmm.

523
00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:28,501
(laughs)

524
00:19:28,601 --> 00:19:30,270
You'll pay for that!

525
00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:33,105
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

526
00:19:33,206 --> 00:19:35,708
Timeout, timeout!
I just saw my reflection!

527
00:19:35,808 --> 00:19:38,411
I told you that churro was
going to drink up my lipstick.

528
00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:40,413
Time in!

529
00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:44,851
Oh, my God! Dylan, the lipstick
went up my nose!

530
00:19:44,951 --> 00:19:46,219
It's really
jammed up there!

531
00:19:46,319 --> 00:19:48,087
Oh, okay.

532
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:49,356
Stay still, Haley.

533
00:19:49,456 --> 00:19:51,291
I'll -- I'll hit you
from the other side.

534
00:19:52,359 --> 00:19:55,728
What are you doing?

535
00:19:58,064 --> 00:20:00,900
Just want to let you know,
the x-ray shows no broken nose.

536
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,202
I guess you figured out
we were acting kind of childish.

537
00:20:03,303 --> 00:20:04,771
Enjoy it while you can,
right?

538
00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:07,774
Yeah. Who says we have to
race into being adults?

539
00:20:07,874 --> 00:20:09,442
Why wouldn't you want to
enjoy a carefree life

540
00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:10,743
as long as you could?

541
00:20:10,843 --> 00:20:12,111
At least
until the baby comes.

542
00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:14,447
Oh, that's years away.
Trust me. (chuckles)

543
00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:17,417
Actually, we always run
a blood test before anesthesia.

544
00:20:17,517 --> 00:20:18,718
You're pregnant.

545
00:20:25,292 --> 00:20:28,895
We can be here
all night.

546
00:20:28,995 --> 00:20:30,162
JAY: I couldn't.

547
00:20:30,263 --> 00:20:32,399
I was late to watch
the fight at Shorty's.

548
00:20:32,499 --> 00:20:34,734
By the time I got there,
the Polish sausage

549
00:20:34,834 --> 00:20:37,604
was gonna be down to
those puckered end pieces.

550
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:40,673
(cellphone vibrating)

551
00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:44,277
Listen,
I'll meet you halfway.

552
00:20:44,377 --> 00:20:45,612
When your mother's
not looking,

553
00:20:45,712 --> 00:20:47,079
you eat a beet,
I eat a beet.

554
00:20:47,179 --> 00:20:48,114
Deal?

555
00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:51,117
(sighs)

556
00:20:51,217 --> 00:20:53,019
Mi amor,
can I get some wine?

557
00:20:54,654 --> 00:20:56,356
That was
Estefan's father.

558
00:20:56,456 --> 00:20:58,525
The Green Goblins
are trying to recruit him.

559
00:20:58,625 --> 00:21:01,861
I need to stop by the ATM
and then go to his house.

560
00:21:01,961 --> 00:21:04,864
When your daddy's not looking,
let's split the beets, okay?

561
00:21:09,669 --> 00:21:12,204
Fine.
I'm ready to eat these,

562
00:21:12,305 --> 00:21:13,606
but can we
turn off the lights

563
00:21:13,706 --> 00:21:15,775
so I don't have to see
how gross they are?

564
00:21:15,875 --> 00:21:17,276
Makes sense.
Good idea.

565
00:21:17,377 --> 00:21:20,447
(silverware clatters)

566
00:21:20,547 --> 00:21:23,282
Bravo, papi!
That's my guy!

567
00:21:29,522 --> 00:21:32,058
-- Captions by VITA --