1 00:00:04,127 --> 00:00:05,541 Merry Christmas Eve, Alex. 2 00:00:05,562 --> 00:00:07,128 So, he's still alive... 3 00:00:07,163 --> 00:00:09,697 Must mean you haven't told Mom you're pregnant yet. 4 00:00:09,732 --> 00:00:12,300 We want to be careful to do it right. 5 00:00:12,336 --> 00:00:13,803 Now you're being careful? 6 00:00:13,838 --> 00:00:15,371 I can't keep this secret anymore. 7 00:00:15,406 --> 00:00:16,371 Look at me! 8 00:00:17,122 --> 00:00:18,174 Ugh. She's going gray. 9 00:00:18,209 --> 00:00:19,709 Oh my God, she is! 10 00:00:19,744 --> 00:00:21,242 I was just gasping at the haircut. 11 00:00:21,279 --> 00:00:24,980 Apparently, this is what happens when I feel stress now. 12 00:00:25,015 --> 00:00:26,782 Well, we're telling them today, okay? 13 00:00:26,817 --> 00:00:28,217 That way, if Mom freaks, 14 00:00:28,252 --> 00:00:30,919 she'll have 10 days in Bermuda to calm down. 15 00:00:30,954 --> 00:00:32,455 Okay, then go now! 16 00:00:32,490 --> 00:00:34,491 She's never in a better mood than on Christmas Eve. 17 00:00:34,525 --> 00:00:36,126 Wait, is this a good way to tell her? 18 00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:37,995 We hang a stocking for "Grandma Claire," 19 00:00:38,029 --> 00:00:39,462 and when she goes, "I'm not a grandma," 20 00:00:39,498 --> 00:00:41,732 we go, "Tell that to Haley and my's baby." 21 00:00:44,089 --> 00:00:46,522 Promise me you won't home school this kid. 22 00:00:48,026 --> 00:00:49,593 Hey, Mom. What are you doing? 23 00:00:49,627 --> 00:00:52,864 Ugh, Christmas cards are just clutter. 24 00:00:52,898 --> 00:00:54,032 Wait, wait, wait, wait. 25 00:00:54,066 --> 00:00:55,566 You can't throw away Uncle Cam's card. 26 00:00:55,602 --> 00:00:58,870 You know how sensitive he gets about his piano placement. 27 00:00:58,905 --> 00:01:00,771 Remember that one year where his card 28 00:01:00,807 --> 00:01:03,541 was slightly behind the one from our old babysitter? 29 00:01:03,576 --> 00:01:05,576 Mm, I believe he spoke the charming phrase, 30 00:01:05,611 --> 00:01:07,078 "And who is this whore?" 31 00:01:07,112 --> 00:01:09,314 Well, Christmas is at Grandpa's this year, 32 00:01:09,349 --> 00:01:12,651 so Cam will never see it. 33 00:01:12,687 --> 00:01:14,386 Check out the sledding polar bear paper. 34 00:01:14,422 --> 00:01:16,154 Can't look at that and not be in a good mood, huh? 35 00:01:16,190 --> 00:01:16,988 Yeah. 36 00:01:17,023 --> 00:01:18,890 I am so sick of that stuff. 37 00:01:18,925 --> 00:01:21,693 I ordered five rolls from some kid for a school drive. 38 00:01:21,729 --> 00:01:24,497 He shows up with fifty... his fault. 39 00:01:24,532 --> 00:01:25,663 Kid bursts into tears. 40 00:01:25,699 --> 00:01:27,699 Like it's on me that he can't count? 41 00:01:27,735 --> 00:01:29,901 - I was six, Mom. - Mm. 42 00:01:32,339 --> 00:01:34,641 Bermuda just gets it... 43 00:01:34,676 --> 00:01:36,575 formal yet casual. 44 00:01:36,611 --> 00:01:38,577 And home of the most perfectly tanned 45 00:01:38,613 --> 00:01:40,980 lower thigh, upper knee region in the world. 46 00:01:41,016 --> 00:01:43,315 Not hard to pick out a Bermudan in a locker room. 47 00:01:43,351 --> 00:01:45,718 No. Oh, hang on. 48 00:01:45,754 --> 00:01:48,321 Wait. Well, this can't be right. 49 00:01:48,357 --> 00:01:50,322 This itinerary says we're on four flights 50 00:01:50,358 --> 00:01:51,524 with three layovers. 51 00:01:51,559 --> 00:01:52,892 Oh, yeah, um... 52 00:01:52,928 --> 00:01:55,463 remember how I found that amazing airline deal online? 53 00:01:55,498 --> 00:01:58,365 Yeah, but two of these layovers are six hours each. 54 00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:00,267 Yes, but the third one's only 12 minutes. 55 00:02:00,303 --> 00:02:01,602 But it's at O'Hare. 56 00:02:01,638 --> 00:02:02,903 Honey, we'll have to sprint 57 00:02:02,939 --> 00:02:04,272 from one end of the airport to the other. 58 00:02:04,307 --> 00:02:06,873 It'll all be worth it when we wake up on December 27th 59 00:02:06,909 --> 00:02:09,543 in Bermuda, where the forecast predicts... 60 00:02:09,578 --> 00:02:11,311 hot fog. 61 00:02:11,346 --> 00:02:12,647 Can't we just take a direct flight? 62 00:02:12,682 --> 00:02:14,816 There's no changes, the terms were very clear. 63 00:02:14,852 --> 00:02:16,918 It was part of a promotion for a new website 64 00:02:16,954 --> 00:02:18,185 called Tickets.Plane. 65 00:02:19,857 --> 00:02:21,590 Oh, yeah, I have a showing right down the street. 66 00:02:21,625 --> 00:02:23,157 Okay. Wait, hang on. 67 00:02:23,192 --> 00:02:24,059 Don't leave. Don't leave. 68 00:02:24,094 --> 00:02:26,127 What is Economy Minus? 69 00:02:26,162 --> 00:02:28,797 A plus, actually, 70 00:02:28,832 --> 00:02:30,865 since no one's jealous of people with aisle seats, 71 00:02:30,900 --> 00:02:34,971 because it's basically two innovative 18-person benches 72 00:02:35,006 --> 00:02:36,004 facing each other. 73 00:02:37,042 --> 00:02:38,140 Phil?! 74 00:02:39,911 --> 00:02:40,876 What? 75 00:02:40,912 --> 00:02:41,911 Nothing. 76 00:02:58,097 --> 00:02:59,597 Who moved Cam's card? 77 00:02:59,632 --> 00:03:02,398 He's gonna be very upset if he's not on the mantel! 78 00:03:02,435 --> 00:03:03,800 I put it in a drawer until he gets here. 79 00:03:03,836 --> 00:03:05,368 That glitter was getting on everything. 80 00:03:05,403 --> 00:03:07,670 I breathed some of that in. 81 00:03:07,706 --> 00:03:09,539 I cough gold now. 82 00:03:09,574 --> 00:03:12,376 Gloria, you got a package from Colombia. 83 00:03:12,411 --> 00:03:14,378 Must mean the government took back the airstrip. 84 00:03:14,413 --> 00:03:18,415 Those are the gifts from my cousins! 85 00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:21,186 Beautiful! 86 00:03:21,220 --> 00:03:25,657 Back home we call these suéteres de Navidad. 87 00:03:25,692 --> 00:03:27,359 So... Christmas sweaters. 88 00:03:27,393 --> 00:03:30,861 Put them on so we can take a picture. 89 00:03:30,897 --> 00:03:32,796 Wow, these are really soft. 90 00:03:32,832 --> 00:03:34,599 Damn cozy is what they are. 91 00:03:34,635 --> 00:03:37,970 Oh, look, they also sent a banana leaf wreath. 92 00:03:38,968 --> 00:03:39,971 Banana spider! 93 00:03:40,007 --> 00:03:41,140 - What?! - What is that?! 94 00:03:41,175 --> 00:03:42,975 It's a deadly spider! It will kill you! 95 00:03:43,011 --> 00:03:43,909 I know what deadly means! 96 00:03:43,944 --> 00:03:44,976 Well, where'd it go? 97 00:03:45,012 --> 00:03:46,112 I'm wearing backless house slippers! 98 00:03:46,147 --> 00:03:46,946 I think it ran over to the... 99 00:03:48,915 --> 00:03:50,950 He took the tree! 100 00:03:50,985 --> 00:03:53,251 Am I the only one who feels kinda itchy? 101 00:03:53,286 --> 00:03:54,499 The sweaters. 102 00:03:54,789 --> 00:03:56,956 Where there's one, there's many! 103 00:03:56,992 --> 00:03:57,757 - Run! - Let's go! 104 00:04:01,030 --> 00:04:02,561 Dear God, he's got the remote. 105 00:04:03,766 --> 00:04:05,666 Okay, smile! 106 00:04:05,701 --> 00:04:07,299 Can we go look at phones after this? 107 00:04:07,335 --> 00:04:10,036 No, Lily, you are not getting a cell phone for Christmas. 108 00:04:10,071 --> 00:04:11,704 They're expensive, and you haven't proven yourself 109 00:04:11,739 --> 00:04:13,974 responsible enough to own one yet. 110 00:04:14,008 --> 00:04:16,842 Uh, I was responsible enough to come to a foreign country 111 00:04:16,878 --> 00:04:18,278 and build a life with two strangers. 112 00:04:18,314 --> 00:04:20,681 Okay, you used that one to get a later bedtime, all right? 113 00:04:20,717 --> 00:04:22,549 Oh, Cal, you're next. 114 00:04:22,585 --> 00:04:24,052 Ho, ho, ho. 115 00:04:24,087 --> 00:04:26,587 We want Cal to have a perfect Christmas. 116 00:04:26,622 --> 00:04:28,722 It's tough with his mom being in prison. 117 00:04:28,758 --> 00:04:32,660 Plus, his holiday season kind of got off to a rough start. 118 00:04:32,696 --> 00:04:35,095 You know, of all of our wonderful ornament selects, 119 00:04:35,131 --> 00:04:36,431 these are my fave. 120 00:04:36,465 --> 00:04:37,631 Merry Christmas! 121 00:04:37,667 --> 00:04:39,802 From Mitch and Cam! 122 00:04:39,836 --> 00:04:42,403 ♪ Up on the rooftop, reindeer pause ♪ 123 00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:44,872 ♪ Out jumps good old Santa Claus ♪ 124 00:04:44,908 --> 00:04:47,375 ♪ Down through the chimney with lots of toys ♪ 125 00:04:47,411 --> 00:04:49,778 ♪ All for the little ones' Christmas joy ♪ 126 00:04:49,814 --> 00:04:52,281 ♪ Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go? ♪ 127 00:04:52,416 --> 00:04:54,783 ♪ Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go? ♪ 128 00:04:54,819 --> 00:04:57,218 ♪ Up on the housetop, click, click, click ♪ 129 00:04:59,023 --> 00:05:00,989 - He was fine. Fine! - He was fine. 130 00:05:01,025 --> 00:05:02,625 We barely got through three verses 131 00:05:02,661 --> 00:05:04,928 and a repeat chorus before we realized our mistake. 132 00:05:04,962 --> 00:05:07,162 - Although that rainstorm came out of nowhere. - Yeah. 133 00:05:07,695 --> 00:05:09,965 Merry Christmas, little Cal! 134 00:05:10,001 --> 00:05:12,202 Lily, take your cousin over there. Relax a little. 135 00:05:12,236 --> 00:05:13,102 Okay, go. 136 00:05:13,138 --> 00:05:14,470 - Hi! - Hi! 137 00:05:14,505 --> 00:05:16,905 Hey, Santa. So, just wondering if you could you do us a favor 138 00:05:16,941 --> 00:05:20,343 and tell us what our nephew just asked for for Christmas? 139 00:05:20,379 --> 00:05:21,912 I know you. You're that lawyer. 140 00:05:21,947 --> 00:05:23,413 Oh, no. This is never good. 141 00:05:23,449 --> 00:05:26,016 You're the ADA who charged me with public intoxication. 142 00:05:26,052 --> 00:05:28,552 Got me sentenced to fifty hours community service... 143 00:05:28,588 --> 00:05:30,588 working as a mall Santa is part of it. 144 00:05:30,622 --> 00:05:33,490 Okay. Well, I'm sorry. But can't we move past that? 145 00:05:33,526 --> 00:05:35,826 We really need to know what our nephew asked for. 146 00:05:35,862 --> 00:05:37,927 He asked for a more lenient justice system. 147 00:05:37,963 --> 00:05:40,164 Well, I doubt that. He's pretty conservative. 148 00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:41,933 We have to pretend to be roommates. 149 00:05:41,969 --> 00:05:43,200 Can we move this along? 150 00:05:43,236 --> 00:05:45,202 I only have my kids for four hours this week. 151 00:05:47,483 --> 00:05:49,248 Merry Christmas. 152 00:05:49,764 --> 00:05:51,084 You know what? As a former mall Santa, 153 00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:53,120 I vowed never to comment on a sitting Santa, 154 00:05:53,154 --> 00:05:55,087 but you're a disgrace to the red and white. 155 00:05:56,224 --> 00:05:57,823 Phil, I just got off the phone with my dad. 156 00:05:57,860 --> 00:05:59,693 We're moving Christmas Eve to our house. 157 00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:00,795 I got to run out and get some groceries. 158 00:06:00,830 --> 00:06:02,129 See you soon. Bye. 159 00:06:04,299 --> 00:06:05,232 Where's the tree? 160 00:06:05,268 --> 00:06:07,035 Where are the gifts? 161 00:06:07,069 --> 00:06:09,970 I assumed you canceled Christmas because you found out that I... 162 00:06:11,273 --> 00:06:12,506 But I interrupted you. 163 00:06:12,542 --> 00:06:14,174 Did your dad take them to his showing? 164 00:06:14,210 --> 00:06:16,576 He's always doing this... he steals my decorations 165 00:06:16,612 --> 00:06:18,845 to stage his houses to make them homier. 166 00:06:18,881 --> 00:06:21,115 He swore he would stop doing this! 167 00:06:21,151 --> 00:06:22,517 At least he left the "wreaf." 168 00:06:22,553 --> 00:06:23,584 Wreath. 169 00:06:23,620 --> 00:06:24,920 Eh, I've heard it both ways. 170 00:06:24,954 --> 00:06:26,921 No, I have, too. Doesn't make it right. 171 00:06:27,892 --> 00:06:28,990 What are we supposed to do? 172 00:06:29,026 --> 00:06:31,125 We can't host a Christmas without a tree. 173 00:06:31,161 --> 00:06:33,027 I thought you weren't allowed to host Christmas anymore 174 00:06:33,064 --> 00:06:34,029 after last year. 175 00:06:35,966 --> 00:06:38,666 I took a swing at a new way to prepare turkey. 176 00:06:42,333 --> 00:06:43,566 Well, this is frozen. 177 00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:45,366 No, Dad, you just... you hit a bone. 178 00:06:45,402 --> 00:06:46,801 I saw this on "Top Chef." 179 00:06:46,837 --> 00:06:49,571 They cooked an entire turkey in one hour. 180 00:06:49,607 --> 00:06:51,107 Luke had some, you're fine. Aren't you, buddy? 181 00:06:52,743 --> 00:06:53,642 Check on Joe. 182 00:07:00,450 --> 00:07:03,819 Oh, your father isn't answering. 183 00:07:03,855 --> 00:07:05,088 You knew about this, didn't you? 184 00:07:05,124 --> 00:07:06,389 I could tell you were hiding something. 185 00:07:10,795 --> 00:07:12,596 Phil? 186 00:07:12,631 --> 00:07:14,331 Phil! 187 00:07:14,365 --> 00:07:15,331 Ph... Oh! 188 00:07:16,334 --> 00:07:18,201 This theater is totally soundproof, 189 00:07:18,237 --> 00:07:21,937 so no one will hear you yelling at Jim to pick up his socks, Sandy. 190 00:07:21,973 --> 00:07:23,073 She does get loud. 191 00:07:27,679 --> 00:07:29,447 So, all of this, 192 00:07:29,481 --> 00:07:31,582 plus it's in a great school dist... rict. 193 00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:34,085 Oh my God, was this house just robbed? 194 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:35,952 I told you this was a sketchy area. 195 00:07:35,988 --> 00:07:37,688 I am not going through another home invasion 196 00:07:37,724 --> 00:07:40,758 with the kids and me banging on the panic room door. 197 00:07:40,793 --> 00:07:43,629 So, you guys chat, and I'll, uh, take a minute, 198 00:07:43,663 --> 00:07:45,930 see if I can find a replacement tree 199 00:07:45,965 --> 00:07:48,033 and nine identically wrapped gifts. 200 00:07:49,336 --> 00:07:51,970 It's the perfect way to get your mom in a good mood. 201 00:07:52,006 --> 00:07:54,172 Think about it... cupcakes are little cakes 202 00:07:54,208 --> 00:07:56,007 just like babies are little people. 203 00:07:56,042 --> 00:07:57,208 I guess. 204 00:07:57,244 --> 00:07:58,744 I just want this to go well. 205 00:07:58,778 --> 00:08:00,211 I'm in a really good place with this baby, 206 00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:02,413 and I want my mom to be, too. 207 00:08:02,797 --> 00:08:04,317 She wasn't in the best mood this morning. 208 00:08:04,351 --> 00:08:05,351 It's Christmas Eve. 209 00:08:05,387 --> 00:08:07,986 She can't stay a Grinch all day. 210 00:08:17,389 --> 00:08:18,401 Thank you. 211 00:08:19,146 --> 00:08:20,337 That was the exterminator. 212 00:08:20,361 --> 00:08:21,791 He is, uh, on his way, 213 00:08:21,829 --> 00:08:24,029 but he's gonna have to tent the house for a couple of days. 214 00:08:24,063 --> 00:08:26,732 And I'm trying to book us a hotel, but the call keeps dropping. 215 00:08:26,768 --> 00:08:29,068 Joe, let's go to the backyard. There's better reception. 216 00:08:31,071 --> 00:08:32,739 Hey, listen. I left something inside. 217 00:08:32,773 --> 00:08:35,340 I need you to get it for me. This should keep you safe. 218 00:08:35,377 --> 00:08:37,643 Are you crazy? I'm not going back into that spider's nest. 219 00:08:37,678 --> 00:08:39,012 Fine, I hate them, too. 220 00:08:39,047 --> 00:08:41,813 The problem is, they're attracted to my musk. 221 00:08:41,850 --> 00:08:43,648 I went to the insect room at the zoo a while back, 222 00:08:43,685 --> 00:08:45,586 and they all started banging on the glass like inmates. 223 00:08:45,620 --> 00:08:47,086 What'd you leave in there that's so important? 224 00:08:47,123 --> 00:08:48,054 It's a medication. 225 00:08:48,090 --> 00:08:50,557 I'm fine, but I didn't tell your mom 226 00:08:50,592 --> 00:08:51,759 'cause I didn't want her to worry. 227 00:08:51,793 --> 00:08:54,093 Can we just stop by a liquor store and refill your "prescription." 228 00:08:54,129 --> 00:08:56,029 It's a medicine! Look... 229 00:08:56,064 --> 00:08:58,765 I'm sure our hotel has a top notch spa. 230 00:08:58,801 --> 00:09:01,301 One that might add a, uh, hot stone massage, 231 00:09:01,336 --> 00:09:02,803 an herbal soak... 232 00:09:02,837 --> 00:09:04,370 Do I look like someone who can be bought? 233 00:09:04,407 --> 00:09:06,408 No, but you do look like someone who might enjoy 234 00:09:06,443 --> 00:09:08,409 a four-handed Balinese seaweed swaddle. 235 00:09:09,779 --> 00:09:11,478 You son of a bitch. 236 00:09:13,750 --> 00:09:16,650 So, Cal, what did you and Santa talk about? 237 00:09:18,082 --> 00:09:19,683 It's a secret. 238 00:09:19,717 --> 00:09:20,983 Me, I'd be fine with just cash. 239 00:09:21,020 --> 00:09:22,251 You guys have enough on your plate. 240 00:09:22,288 --> 00:09:24,221 Okay, you're not buying yourself a phone, all right? 241 00:09:24,255 --> 00:09:25,755 Ooh, Santa's on break. 242 00:09:25,790 --> 00:09:27,891 Okay, Lily, go sit with Cal again. 243 00:09:27,928 --> 00:09:30,060 You guys need me... maybe throw a please in there. 244 00:09:30,096 --> 00:09:32,130 - Yeah. Hi! - Hi! 245 00:09:32,165 --> 00:09:33,864 Oh, it really is the most wonderful time of the year. 246 00:09:33,900 --> 00:09:36,133 - Beautiful. - Isn't it? So, listen, do you mind if... 247 00:09:36,169 --> 00:09:38,870 Do you think you're the first parents wanting to take a peek at my scroll? 248 00:09:38,905 --> 00:09:40,237 Better stick something in my bootie. 249 00:09:40,272 --> 00:09:41,606 - Whoa, whoa, whoa. - I'm sorry. What? 250 00:09:41,641 --> 00:09:43,641 Cash in the slipper, perv. 251 00:09:43,676 --> 00:09:44,776 Oh. Do you wanna... 252 00:09:44,810 --> 00:09:48,080 Yeah, yeah, I got... I got, uh... I've got $10. 253 00:09:48,114 --> 00:09:49,547 Thank you. 254 00:09:49,584 --> 00:09:51,016 No, this is just a list of toys. 255 00:09:51,051 --> 00:09:52,584 None of the kids' names are next to them. 256 00:09:52,619 --> 00:09:54,652 Oh, oh. You know what? 257 00:09:54,689 --> 00:09:56,021 Uh, we'll look at pictures of Cal in line 258 00:09:56,056 --> 00:09:57,823 and then match the kids up behind him 259 00:09:57,858 --> 00:09:59,291 with the toys on the list. 260 00:09:59,326 --> 00:10:00,692 Okay, so, well, I guess this Asian kid, 261 00:10:00,728 --> 00:10:01,926 he maybe wants the, uh... 262 00:10:01,963 --> 00:10:02,927 There's no time to be politically correct. 263 00:10:02,964 --> 00:10:03,762 - He wants the calculator. - Calculator. 264 00:10:05,675 --> 00:10:07,209 - And he wants it bad. - Yeah. 265 00:10:07,244 --> 00:10:09,744 Wait, does that mean that this little boy wants the Barbie Styling Head? 266 00:10:09,779 --> 00:10:11,079 Yep, look at the turned-out foot. 267 00:10:11,114 --> 00:10:12,848 - Oh, of course he wants the Barbie Styling Head. - Hey! 268 00:10:12,883 --> 00:10:14,349 Which means Cal wants... 269 00:10:14,384 --> 00:10:15,316 Hot Wheels! 270 00:10:15,351 --> 00:10:16,951 Okay, okay. 271 00:10:16,986 --> 00:10:17,786 Let's go. 272 00:10:17,821 --> 00:10:19,321 - Thank you! - Thank you. 273 00:10:19,355 --> 00:10:20,821 Uhh... 274 00:10:20,858 --> 00:10:22,858 Don't worry. They come back. 275 00:10:26,497 --> 00:10:28,197 Please tell me you told Mom and Dad. 276 00:10:28,232 --> 00:10:30,032 No, but we're gonna tell them in song. 277 00:10:30,067 --> 00:10:31,667 Listen to this part. 278 00:10:31,702 --> 00:10:34,404 ♪ Soon a baby as cute as us ♪ 279 00:10:34,438 --> 00:10:36,873 ♪ Will spring forth from Haley's uterus ♪ 280 00:10:37,378 --> 00:10:38,740 I love it! 281 00:10:38,777 --> 00:10:41,778 She's lying. She just wants us to get it over with so her eczema will go away. 282 00:10:41,812 --> 00:10:43,745 I don't have... Oh, my God! 283 00:10:44,915 --> 00:10:46,649 Okay, you got this. 284 00:10:46,683 --> 00:10:47,783 You're quicker than those things. 285 00:10:47,818 --> 00:10:49,318 - I doubt that. - You're smarter. 286 00:10:49,355 --> 00:10:50,687 I can't make a web out of nothing. 287 00:10:50,722 --> 00:10:52,956 - Plus, you got a weapon. - A leaf blower? 288 00:10:52,991 --> 00:10:55,592 Hey, that thing can blow a Pomeranian through a hedge. 289 00:10:55,627 --> 00:10:57,428 Let's just say little Mimi from next door 290 00:10:57,462 --> 00:10:59,163 won't be visiting our lawn anymore. 291 00:10:59,198 --> 00:11:00,664 Now hurry up before your mom gets back. 292 00:11:01,766 --> 00:11:04,001 We'll be in constant communication. 293 00:11:04,035 --> 00:11:06,236 Go. Go, go, go. 294 00:11:06,271 --> 00:11:08,005 Keep your head on a swivel. 295 00:11:08,039 --> 00:11:10,441 Head for my bathroom. Remember. 296 00:11:10,477 --> 00:11:12,944 That spider can sense the subtlest sign of fear. 297 00:11:13,798 --> 00:11:15,579 Something just ran past my foot. 298 00:11:22,087 --> 00:11:23,219 Damn it, the power's out! 299 00:11:23,253 --> 00:11:24,686 Then so am I! 300 00:11:24,722 --> 00:11:26,821 No! You just leveled the playing field. 301 00:11:26,858 --> 00:11:27,890 They have eight eyes. 302 00:11:27,925 --> 00:11:29,290 You only have two. 303 00:11:29,327 --> 00:11:31,094 You just took away their one advantage. 304 00:11:31,758 --> 00:11:33,724 What about their sac of poison? 305 00:11:37,028 --> 00:11:38,027 Okay, I'm in the bathroom. 306 00:11:38,064 --> 00:11:40,163 Good, good. The medication... 307 00:11:40,199 --> 00:11:42,065 is down below in the cabinet. 308 00:11:42,100 --> 00:11:44,835 You want me to reach my hand into a dark, damp breeding ground? 309 00:11:44,870 --> 00:11:47,637 It's all the way in the back on the far right. 310 00:11:47,672 --> 00:11:49,672 Just feel around for the jar. 311 00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:51,209 So, skitter my hand back and forth? 312 00:11:51,244 --> 00:11:53,577 That's basically a spider mating dance! 313 00:11:57,683 --> 00:11:59,350 Got it. 314 00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:00,585 Whoa! Ow! 315 00:12:00,620 --> 00:12:02,354 Talk to me, over. 316 00:12:03,990 --> 00:12:05,190 Manny! 317 00:12:07,829 --> 00:12:09,260 Not leaving! 318 00:12:09,296 --> 00:12:11,163 Still shopping! 319 00:12:11,198 --> 00:12:13,298 As if getting robbed wasn't bad enough, 320 00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:14,734 now that we were hosting Christmas, 321 00:12:14,769 --> 00:12:16,903 I had to get a new tree and gifts into the house 322 00:12:16,938 --> 00:12:18,104 before Claire got home. 323 00:12:18,139 --> 00:12:20,606 Fortunately, I had a copy of her gift list. 324 00:12:20,641 --> 00:12:23,009 It was eerie how many of these events 325 00:12:23,043 --> 00:12:25,477 were lining up with the plot of my children's book in progress, 326 00:12:25,513 --> 00:12:27,112 "The Realtor Who Saved Christmas." 327 00:12:30,244 --> 00:12:32,112 - Hello? - Buddy, I need a favor. 328 00:12:32,146 --> 00:12:33,579 Remember that polar bear wrapping paper 329 00:12:33,615 --> 00:12:35,615 you made us buy so much of because you can't do math? 330 00:12:35,650 --> 00:12:37,150 - Uh-huh. - Grab a couple rolls of it, 331 00:12:37,184 --> 00:12:39,386 meet me out in front of the house in 20 minutes. 332 00:12:39,420 --> 00:12:41,954 We're all out. Mom used the last of it on this year's gifts. 333 00:12:41,990 --> 00:12:45,525 Damn it! I need a bunch of it. Where am I supposed to f... 334 00:12:45,559 --> 00:12:47,927 ♪ Hallelujah ♪ 335 00:12:47,963 --> 00:12:50,063 ♪ Hallelujah, Hallelujah ♪ 336 00:12:50,097 --> 00:12:52,266 - ♪ Hallelujah ♪ - All good, Luke. 337 00:13:07,050 --> 00:13:08,382 Well, we got what we need. 338 00:13:08,417 --> 00:13:10,318 I'm glad someone's getting what they want this year. 339 00:13:10,353 --> 00:13:11,651 You know what? Here, take my phone. 340 00:13:11,688 --> 00:13:13,955 If you can get through a day without losing it, it's yours. 341 00:13:20,163 --> 00:13:22,364 You must've run through some hairspray. 342 00:13:22,398 --> 00:13:23,898 Your boots are like flypaper. 343 00:13:23,934 --> 00:13:25,166 That's why that spray was banned. 344 00:13:25,201 --> 00:13:27,802 Birds were flying over the factory and getting stuck together. 345 00:13:29,105 --> 00:13:31,072 Hey, wait, wait a second. Wait a second. 346 00:13:31,108 --> 00:13:32,774 This is your medication? 347 00:13:32,811 --> 00:13:34,376 "Good Old Fashioned Elbow Grease?" 348 00:13:34,412 --> 00:13:35,845 I suffer from dry elbow. 349 00:13:35,879 --> 00:13:37,413 That's what I risked my life for? 350 00:13:37,448 --> 00:13:40,649 Supple elbows are heavily featured in every good power pose. 351 00:13:43,607 --> 00:13:45,075 That's how I got the cover to Closet World. 352 00:13:45,110 --> 00:13:46,875 I literally elbowed my way to the top. 353 00:13:48,302 --> 00:13:49,879 I booked us a hotel. 354 00:13:49,914 --> 00:13:51,714 Manny, you're sharing a room with Joe. 355 00:13:53,217 --> 00:13:54,018 Fix that. 356 00:13:58,691 --> 00:14:00,156 What are you roasting on the space heater? 357 00:14:00,193 --> 00:14:02,326 Oh, I threw those cards in the trash. 358 00:14:02,361 --> 00:14:03,827 They got all soggy. 359 00:14:03,862 --> 00:14:05,196 - Even Uncle Cam's? - Mm-hmm. 360 00:14:05,231 --> 00:14:08,432 You have to save those for seven years, like tax returns. 361 00:14:19,512 --> 00:14:21,480 - Hello, Phil. - Oh! 362 00:14:21,515 --> 00:14:22,481 Oh, that's right. 363 00:14:22,516 --> 00:14:23,948 The tree's back where it belongs. 364 00:14:23,983 --> 00:14:25,083 You stole it?! 365 00:14:25,118 --> 00:14:26,517 Oh, no, you did. 366 00:14:26,553 --> 00:14:29,386 Just like you stole my family of plastic Thanksgiving turkeys, 367 00:14:29,423 --> 00:14:30,889 my inflatable Easter bunny, 368 00:14:30,924 --> 00:14:32,690 and my Uncle Sam piñata, 369 00:14:32,726 --> 00:14:34,826 all for your open houses. 370 00:14:34,863 --> 00:14:39,253 Today was my chance to shed a very unfair reputation. 371 00:14:39,289 --> 00:14:39,898 Claire... 372 00:14:39,934 --> 00:14:42,767 I put two people in the hospital one time, 373 00:14:42,804 --> 00:14:44,737 and now I'm a Christmas ruiner. 374 00:14:44,771 --> 00:14:45,938 Fire! 375 00:14:45,973 --> 00:14:48,007 Oh, my God! Get the extinguisher! 376 00:14:48,041 --> 00:14:50,510 Aah! It's Cam's glitter card! I knew it! 377 00:14:50,545 --> 00:14:51,344 Stand back! 378 00:14:51,378 --> 00:14:52,744 Aah! 379 00:14:52,780 --> 00:14:53,713 The tree! 380 00:14:53,747 --> 00:14:54,881 The tree, Phil! 381 00:14:54,916 --> 00:14:56,893 Do the tree, Phil. The gifts! 382 00:14:57,720 --> 00:14:59,920 The... The... Honey... 383 00:14:59,955 --> 00:15:01,421 It's out! 384 00:15:01,456 --> 00:15:04,524 This must be the one Luke and I used for our jet pack prototype. 385 00:15:06,061 --> 00:15:08,896 You know, we're being crazy. There is no perfect moment. 386 00:15:08,931 --> 00:15:12,032 We're just going to walk in there like adults and tell them. 387 00:15:21,703 --> 00:15:22,469 Honey... 388 00:15:22,504 --> 00:15:23,570 It's no use. 389 00:15:23,605 --> 00:15:25,304 It's over, Phil. 390 00:15:25,341 --> 00:15:26,505 The house smells like smoke, 391 00:15:26,542 --> 00:15:27,541 we have no tree 392 00:15:27,576 --> 00:15:30,476 and nine scorched, yet soaking-wet gifts. 393 00:15:30,512 --> 00:15:32,913 Worst of all, I have to make Mitchell's day 394 00:15:32,947 --> 00:15:35,315 by telling him we're moving the party to his house 395 00:15:35,350 --> 00:15:39,654 and I'm on permanent host probation forever. 396 00:15:39,688 --> 00:15:41,121 Who knows? 397 00:15:41,157 --> 00:15:44,726 Maybe in a couple years they'll toss me a pity holiday... 398 00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:49,264 "Welcome to my non-alcoholic Earth Day brunch." 399 00:15:50,288 --> 00:15:51,198 In brighter news, 400 00:15:51,234 --> 00:15:53,867 I am getting on a prop plane in a couple hours. 401 00:15:53,903 --> 00:15:55,970 Bermuda Triangle's still a thing, right? 402 00:15:56,005 --> 00:15:56,939 Claire. 403 00:15:56,973 --> 00:15:59,007 Honey, I just can't right now. 404 00:15:59,043 --> 00:16:00,141 I'm not in the mood for... 405 00:16:03,892 --> 00:16:06,080 - How? - Merry Christmas from me. 406 00:16:06,117 --> 00:16:09,718 Did you sneak out earlier and buy all this stuff to cover your tracks? 407 00:16:09,753 --> 00:16:12,954 Or you can choose to believe it's a Christmas miracle. 408 00:16:12,990 --> 00:16:14,323 I choose miracle. 409 00:16:16,359 --> 00:16:17,727 Happy holidays! 410 00:16:17,762 --> 00:16:20,095 - Hey! - Hey! 411 00:16:20,132 --> 00:16:21,830 Thank you for taking over. 412 00:16:21,867 --> 00:16:23,432 - You saved the day! - Merry Christmas. 413 00:16:23,468 --> 00:16:25,535 Well, you know, it's kind of what I do. 414 00:16:25,570 --> 00:16:26,802 Come on, drinks in the kitchen. 415 00:16:26,838 --> 00:16:28,537 - Yay! All right! - All right! 416 00:16:32,575 --> 00:16:35,009 Ooh, Manny, what's up with the noggin bump? 417 00:16:35,046 --> 00:16:35,877 What? Where? 418 00:16:36,242 --> 00:16:36,945 Oh, no. 419 00:16:36,980 --> 00:16:38,947 That looks like a banana spider bite! 420 00:16:38,984 --> 00:16:40,417 It's not a bite, he bumped his head. 421 00:16:40,451 --> 00:16:41,850 No, that looks like a bite. 422 00:16:41,887 --> 00:16:44,854 My sister got bit by a Missouri Silo Spider... lost a toe. 423 00:16:44,889 --> 00:16:47,856 Happy ending... she was born with eleven. 424 00:16:47,893 --> 00:16:49,491 Manny, we need to get that checked. 425 00:16:49,527 --> 00:16:50,759 There is an antidote, 426 00:16:50,796 --> 00:16:53,263 but if you have never been bitten by the spider, 427 00:16:53,297 --> 00:16:54,497 it might kill you. 428 00:16:54,532 --> 00:16:56,099 - Let's go to the car. - I... Jay. 429 00:16:56,133 --> 00:16:57,566 Stop! He wasn't bitten. 430 00:16:57,601 --> 00:16:59,202 He bumped his head when he went back in the house 431 00:16:59,238 --> 00:17:01,072 to grab my... medication. 432 00:17:02,041 --> 00:17:02,972 What medication? 433 00:17:03,009 --> 00:17:04,542 Oh, my God, Dad, are you okay? 434 00:17:04,577 --> 00:17:06,376 We're gonna get through this, buddy. 435 00:17:06,412 --> 00:17:08,913 It's an elbow cream that I secretly use 436 00:17:08,948 --> 00:17:10,948 every night after Gloria falls asleep. 437 00:17:10,982 --> 00:17:14,384 You sent our son into the nest of a deadly spider 438 00:17:14,420 --> 00:17:15,452 for a beauty cream? 439 00:17:15,488 --> 00:17:16,787 It's a medicine 440 00:17:16,823 --> 00:17:20,157 that treats the heartbreaking condition of dry elbow! 441 00:17:20,193 --> 00:17:22,894 It requires a veterinarian's prescription 442 00:17:22,930 --> 00:17:25,629 because it's primarily used on rhinos and elephants. 443 00:17:27,067 --> 00:17:29,968 I see on our march to become a perfect society, 444 00:17:30,002 --> 00:17:31,536 elbow shaming is still allowed. 445 00:17:32,539 --> 00:17:34,271 I get a little dry sometimes. 446 00:17:34,308 --> 00:17:37,174 Hey! You're just as much a person as everybody else. 447 00:17:37,211 --> 00:17:39,144 I can't believe that you're so vain that you... 448 00:17:39,179 --> 00:17:42,647 Wait, is that my Christmas card stuck on the bottom of your shoe? 449 00:17:42,684 --> 00:17:44,783 And why... why is it singed? 450 00:17:44,819 --> 00:17:46,452 Ugh, you got to be less about the cards. 451 00:17:46,488 --> 00:17:48,120 We all think it. 452 00:17:48,155 --> 00:17:51,357 Didn't you empty a can of powerful hairspray in the bathroom? 453 00:17:52,452 --> 00:17:53,416 And did you go in there, too? 454 00:17:55,922 --> 00:17:59,522 Fine! I needed something, okay? 455 00:17:59,559 --> 00:18:01,792 But at least I went in myself. 456 00:18:01,829 --> 00:18:04,228 After you offered me $20 and I said no. 457 00:18:05,098 --> 00:18:06,731 Some of us can't be bought. 458 00:18:06,766 --> 00:18:08,199 What did you need? 459 00:18:08,234 --> 00:18:10,769 Whatever it is, we're gonna get through this. 460 00:18:10,803 --> 00:18:12,704 A night guard. 461 00:18:12,739 --> 00:18:15,240 I didn't want to tell you, but every night, 462 00:18:15,274 --> 00:18:17,975 I wait for you to fall asleep, so I put it on. 463 00:18:18,011 --> 00:18:19,945 It's so unattractive. 464 00:18:19,980 --> 00:18:20,913 That's it? 465 00:18:20,948 --> 00:18:24,250 Ith not thex-thee. I look hideouth! 466 00:18:24,284 --> 00:18:26,519 Oh, that really humanizes her. 467 00:18:26,553 --> 00:18:27,686 I don't care for it. 468 00:18:30,244 --> 00:18:32,578 Okay, one of my teeth is loose. 469 00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:34,013 I am begging you to tell them. 470 00:18:34,048 --> 00:18:35,081 That's what this is. 471 00:18:35,116 --> 00:18:36,648 I'm coming down the chimney as Santa, 472 00:18:36,684 --> 00:18:38,283 delighting Joe and Cal. 473 00:18:38,319 --> 00:18:40,119 Mom will see how good he is with kids 474 00:18:40,154 --> 00:18:42,354 and then be super chill with us being pregnant. 475 00:18:42,390 --> 00:18:43,590 Ugh... 476 00:18:44,459 --> 00:18:45,358 Uh-oh. 477 00:18:45,393 --> 00:18:46,860 I'm stuck. 478 00:18:46,895 --> 00:18:48,261 Okay, everybody, come on, picture time! 479 00:18:48,296 --> 00:18:49,662 In front of the tree, let's go. 480 00:18:49,697 --> 00:18:50,897 Oh, God. Just be quiet! 481 00:18:50,933 --> 00:18:52,565 There you are. Okay, where's Dylan? 482 00:18:52,601 --> 00:18:53,999 Aww, Mom. 483 00:18:54,035 --> 00:18:55,802 What? We need somebody to take the picture. 484 00:18:55,838 --> 00:18:56,837 Harsh. 485 00:18:57,805 --> 00:18:59,005 What was that? 486 00:18:59,041 --> 00:19:01,475 Don't we always have the fire on? 487 00:19:01,510 --> 00:19:02,776 - No! - I'm sure we do. 488 00:19:02,812 --> 00:19:05,813 Last year we used it to finish cooking Claire's turkey pieces. 489 00:19:05,849 --> 00:19:07,281 Jay, go turn it on. 490 00:19:07,316 --> 00:19:08,416 Wait! Wait, wait, wait. 491 00:19:08,450 --> 00:19:10,317 Every... Everybody 12 and under, out. 492 00:19:10,352 --> 00:19:13,854 What? Honey, what's going on? 493 00:19:14,858 --> 00:19:15,989 Dylan's stuck in the chimney. 494 00:19:17,927 --> 00:19:18,860 Why? 495 00:19:18,894 --> 00:19:19,994 He's dressed up as Santa. 496 00:19:20,028 --> 00:19:21,361 He was gonna hand presents out to the kids. 497 00:19:21,397 --> 00:19:22,430 Aww. 498 00:19:22,466 --> 00:19:24,600 Don't tell them now. I want to be with you! 499 00:19:25,702 --> 00:19:26,468 Tell us what? 500 00:19:26,504 --> 00:19:27,635 Nothing. It can wait. 501 00:19:27,670 --> 00:19:29,270 No, it can't! Please! 502 00:19:29,305 --> 00:19:30,972 My organs are shutting down! 503 00:19:31,007 --> 00:19:32,440 Okay, fine. I... 504 00:19:34,577 --> 00:19:37,045 We have an announcement. 505 00:19:40,648 --> 00:19:42,180 Dylan and I are having a baby. 506 00:19:44,687 --> 00:19:46,219 Are they smiling? 507 00:19:46,255 --> 00:19:48,154 You're pregnant? 508 00:19:48,190 --> 00:19:49,078 Yes. 509 00:19:50,125 --> 00:19:52,292 And w-we're really happy about it. 510 00:19:52,327 --> 00:19:54,761 Why wouldn't you be? 511 00:19:54,796 --> 00:19:55,595 Wow! 512 00:19:56,632 --> 00:19:57,864 Mom? 513 00:19:57,900 --> 00:20:01,701 It's... it's a lot to process at once, and... 514 00:20:05,407 --> 00:20:07,374 A baby. Unbelievable! 515 00:20:08,577 --> 00:20:12,313 - Congratulations! - Oh, my gosh! A baby! 516 00:20:12,348 --> 00:20:13,748 Oh, God. 517 00:20:13,784 --> 00:20:16,550 You handled that a lot better than I did back in the day. 518 00:20:17,296 --> 00:20:18,018 Outside. 519 00:20:18,054 --> 00:20:19,820 - On the inside, I'm you. - Mm-hmm. 520 00:20:19,855 --> 00:20:21,455 Can somebody save my life? 521 00:20:21,490 --> 00:20:23,324 - Oh, Cam, grab a foot. - Yep. 522 00:20:24,494 --> 00:20:25,927 God, he's really wedged in there. 523 00:20:25,962 --> 00:20:27,730 Ah, if only we had some kind of award-winning, 524 00:20:27,765 --> 00:20:29,198 placenta-based lubricant. 525 00:20:29,232 --> 00:20:30,266 Fine! 526 00:20:30,300 --> 00:20:32,701 Here, Dylan, use a little bit of this. 527 00:20:32,737 --> 00:20:35,570 I can't believe a little Dylan is gonna pop out of you! 528 00:20:35,606 --> 00:20:36,806 What would that even look like? 529 00:20:37,404 --> 00:20:39,107 Oh! 530 00:20:42,579 --> 00:20:44,078 Everybody come on in for the picture! 531 00:20:44,115 --> 00:20:45,315 I'll set the timer. 532 00:20:45,349 --> 00:20:47,584 This is all gonna work out, right? 533 00:20:47,618 --> 00:20:48,885 Definitely. Yeah. 534 00:20:48,921 --> 00:20:51,488 Hang on. Let me get my elbows ready. 535 00:20:51,522 --> 00:20:54,124 Okay, everybody smile, say "baby!" 536 00:20:54,158 --> 00:20:55,658 Baby! 537 00:20:59,338 --> 00:21:01,415 ♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪ 538 00:21:01,454 --> 00:21:03,520 ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪ 539 00:21:03,556 --> 00:21:05,589 ♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪ 540 00:21:05,626 --> 00:21:07,725 ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪ 541 00:21:07,761 --> 00:21:10,061 ♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪ 542 00:21:10,097 --> 00:21:12,330 ♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪ 543 00:21:12,366 --> 00:21:14,465 ♪ Did we leave the kids at Claire's house? ♪ 544 00:21:14,501 --> 00:21:16,568 ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪ 545 00:21:16,602 --> 00:21:18,637 ♪ Lily really needs a cell phone ♪ 546 00:21:18,672 --> 00:21:20,938 ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪ 547 00:21:20,974 --> 00:21:23,108 ♪ Follow me in merry measure ♪ 548 00:21:23,143 --> 00:21:25,374 ♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪