1 00:00:04,138 --> 00:00:07,475 [ Speaking Italian ] 2 00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:09,843 [ Speaking Italian ] 3 00:00:20,254 --> 00:00:22,090 We're taking a four-week bicycle trip 4 00:00:22,123 --> 00:00:23,491 through the vineyards of Italy! 5 00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:25,759 We figure that this summer, our whole lives 6 00:00:25,793 --> 00:00:27,161 are gonna be turned upside-down 7 00:00:27,195 --> 00:00:30,664 when Haley, Dylan, and their twins move in with us, 8 00:00:30,698 --> 00:00:33,901 so why not splurge on a grandbaby-moon? 9 00:00:33,934 --> 00:00:35,569 So we've been hitting the language tapes, 10 00:00:35,603 --> 00:00:37,538 the, uh -- the stationary bikes, 11 00:00:37,571 --> 00:00:40,241 and a couple of times a day, I wolfishly whistle at Claire 12 00:00:40,274 --> 00:00:42,810 to prepare her for that timeless Roman charm. 13 00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:46,514 I can't believe after all those nights at Fratelli's 14 00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:47,915 talking about going to Italy, 15 00:00:47,948 --> 00:00:49,283 it's actually happening. 16 00:00:49,317 --> 00:00:51,619 [ Italian accent ] Ohh, American lady! 17 00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:53,521 Why do you do this to me? 18 00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:55,956 Don't make me practice my slap on you again. Mm. 19 00:00:55,989 --> 00:00:57,024 [ Music plays ] [ Normal voice ] What's that? 20 00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:58,759 Oh, I'm on hold. I'm booking us 21 00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:01,195 into a converted castle in Tuscany 22 00:01:01,229 --> 00:01:03,030 for our anniversary. Does it have a moat? 23 00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:05,699 I've been working on all of our receipts for taxes. 24 00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:06,934 Looks like we're getting a refund, 25 00:01:06,967 --> 00:01:08,736 which means that we can afford to -- 26 00:01:08,769 --> 00:01:10,371 To pay the dwarf who will lower the drawbridge 27 00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:12,039 if we answer his riddles three? 28 00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:14,442 I'm gonna nip this in the bud. No moat. 29 00:01:14,475 --> 00:01:16,310 This trip was such a great idea. 30 00:01:16,344 --> 00:01:18,379 Oh, I know. Ah. Mwah! 31 00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:20,548 Things are gonna be so hectic here this summer. Mm-hmm. 32 00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:21,915 It's weird to think people will be calling us 33 00:01:21,949 --> 00:01:23,717 Grandpa and -- -No, please don't say it. 34 00:01:23,751 --> 00:01:25,953 Don't say that word. It makes me feel so old. 35 00:01:25,986 --> 00:01:28,389 But I have thought about what I want them to call me. 36 00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:30,291 Gammy. Gammy. 37 00:01:30,324 --> 00:01:32,260 Well, let's take her for a spin. 38 00:01:32,293 --> 00:01:34,094 "Hey, everyone, Gammy's here!" 39 00:01:34,128 --> 00:01:36,664 "Sorry, guys, not today, Gammy's in a mood." 40 00:01:36,697 --> 00:01:38,732 Yeah, it does. It works. Mm. Yeah. 41 00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:41,135 -Hey, roomies. -Hey -- "Roomies"? 42 00:01:41,169 --> 00:01:43,237 What is with all the boxes and the bags? 43 00:01:43,271 --> 00:01:45,806 Well, I know we said we'd move in when the babies come, 44 00:01:45,839 --> 00:01:48,075 but then we thought about all the money we'd save. 45 00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:50,110 -Mucho dinero. -Mm. 46 00:01:50,144 --> 00:01:51,512 -Yes. -You look mad. 47 00:01:51,545 --> 00:01:53,147 I should've told you. I was afraid to tell you. 48 00:01:53,181 --> 00:01:54,915 I didn't think that I could handle the disappointment 49 00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:56,484 [voice breaking] if you weren't happy about it. 50 00:01:56,517 --> 00:01:58,018 But you're not unhappy about it, right? 51 00:01:58,051 --> 00:01:59,753 Right?! -Oh, honey. Oh, honey. 52 00:01:59,787 --> 00:02:02,423 Oh, my gosh, you're the best. I love you so much. 53 00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,024 -[ Chuckles ] -[ Inhales deeply ] 54 00:02:04,057 --> 00:02:06,294 Wow! What a journey. 55 00:02:06,327 --> 00:02:08,929 What is my life gonna be like when I'm in the hormonal stage? 56 00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:10,030 Oh, wait, there was one more thing, um... 57 00:02:10,063 --> 00:02:12,132 Woman: Hey, where should I put these boxes? 58 00:02:12,166 --> 00:02:13,634 My mom surprised us. We were hoping 59 00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:15,303 she could stay a couple days. 60 00:02:15,336 --> 00:02:17,805 Hello, hello! 61 00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:20,140 Well, it's about time we officially met, 62 00:02:20,174 --> 00:02:23,010 considering our DNA is already swirling around 63 00:02:23,043 --> 00:02:25,779 in Haley's womb. [ Chuckles ] 64 00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:26,947 Phil. 65 00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:28,616 -Oh, hey. -Mwah. 66 00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:29,883 -Claire. -Oh, hi. 67 00:02:29,917 --> 00:02:30,884 [ Smooches ] 68 00:02:30,918 --> 00:02:32,653 I'm Farrah. Hi, Farrah. 69 00:02:32,686 --> 00:02:35,122 -You look so familiar. -Well, I meet a lot of people 70 00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:37,391 with my work in the protest movement. 71 00:02:37,425 --> 00:02:40,228 Oh, did you participate in the Ivory is Murder Fun Run? 72 00:02:40,261 --> 00:02:42,963 Not that I recall. Sweetheart, why don't you show Farrah 73 00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:44,798 where she will be sleeping. Oh, no, 74 00:02:44,832 --> 00:02:46,567 I just need two weight-bearing hooks 75 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:48,202 spaced seven feet apart. 76 00:02:48,236 --> 00:02:50,070 This kimono converts to a hammock. 77 00:02:50,103 --> 00:02:51,138 Ah. 78 00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:53,207 Travel agent: Pronto! Italy! 79 00:02:53,241 --> 00:02:54,642 They answered! Where's the phone? Oh! Oh, no, no, no. 80 00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:55,809 -Where's the phone? -I got it, right here. 81 00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:57,478 -You got it? Get it. -Yeah. Oh! 82 00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:59,647 Oh! Oh, buddy, I'm so sorry. 83 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:00,814 -Let me get you some ice. -Damn it! 84 00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:03,016 No, no, don't worry. I brought magnets. 85 00:03:04,552 --> 00:03:06,320 Is that the way she treats all head injuries? 86 00:03:06,354 --> 00:03:08,021 Because I've got a theory. 87 00:03:08,055 --> 00:03:10,023 -- Captions by VITAC -- 88 00:03:10,057 --> 00:03:13,026 Captioning Provided by 20th Century Fox Television and ABC, Inc. 89 00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:16,029 and brought to you by Ford. Going further, so you can. 90 00:03:16,063 --> 00:03:19,066 ** 91 00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:25,406 I want to give these old toys to Haley's babies. 92 00:03:25,439 --> 00:03:28,108 Oh, Joe, that's so sweet! 93 00:03:28,141 --> 00:03:31,279 Now I have room in the closet for my lizard. 94 00:03:31,312 --> 00:03:33,180 Lizard? I thought that you were just 95 00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:34,915 going to the pet shop to look. 96 00:03:34,948 --> 00:03:36,684 I can't say no to that face. 97 00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:38,719 You're gonna have to be bad cop 'til puberty, 98 00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:40,187 you know, when the Pritchett Adam's apple 99 00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:42,055 and fuzz-stache show up. 100 00:03:42,089 --> 00:03:45,426 Manny, you should also give something for the twins. 101 00:03:45,459 --> 00:03:47,395 You both are gonna be uncles. 102 00:03:47,428 --> 00:03:50,264 That's a very proud tradition in our family. 103 00:03:50,298 --> 00:03:53,200 That's right, Joe. Our great-great Uncle Alvaro 104 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:55,403 was a famous South American freedom fighter. 105 00:03:55,436 --> 00:03:57,204 You're kidding? My Great Uncle Erasmus 106 00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:58,639 was a hero at the Alamo. 107 00:03:58,672 --> 00:04:00,308 We're four sentences away from realizing 108 00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:01,809 they killed each other, right? 109 00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:03,711 Joe, next week, you have to go 110 00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:05,446 to school dressed as a hero. 111 00:04:05,479 --> 00:04:07,581 Why don't you dress as Uncle Alvaro? 112 00:04:07,615 --> 00:04:10,050 Or Uncle Erasmus. 113 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:11,218 Ay, Jay, that's cute, 114 00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:14,221 but Alvaro was not only a war hero. 115 00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:16,657 He was a celebrated matador, 116 00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:19,226 Frida Kahlo's tango instructor, 117 00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:21,629 two-time winner of the Bogota Herald 118 00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:24,598 cartoon caption contest. 119 00:04:24,632 --> 00:04:26,734 No disrespect, but I don't think he was fit to shine 120 00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:28,736 Erasmus J. Pritchett's boots, 121 00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:32,740 which, incidentally, were made by a 9-foot Texas diamondback 122 00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:36,410 he stomped to death while arm-wrestling Davy Crockett. 123 00:04:36,444 --> 00:04:38,278 Did he kill all his clothes? 124 00:04:38,312 --> 00:04:40,514 He sure did. Come upstairs. I'll show you. 125 00:04:40,548 --> 00:04:42,683 I got a ring of his with a tooth in it 126 00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:44,452 he punched out of a puma. 127 00:04:45,719 --> 00:04:46,987 Jay does this all the time. 128 00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:49,457 He disrespects our heritage and inflates his own. 129 00:04:49,490 --> 00:04:51,959 I mean, I'm not buying this Uncle Erasmus guy at all. 130 00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:53,361 I say we do a little digging. 131 00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:57,264 Yes! We can be like Inspector Tortuga, 132 00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:59,433 the turtle detective in Uncle Alvaro's 133 00:04:59,467 --> 00:05:01,669 popular children's book. 134 00:05:01,702 --> 00:05:06,340 He was always very slowly solving crimes. 135 00:05:06,374 --> 00:05:09,977 Turns out Jay's Uncle Erasmus did live in Texas in the 1830s, 136 00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:11,311 but not much was written about him. 137 00:05:11,345 --> 00:05:12,646 [ Machine whirring ] 138 00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:16,817 -[ Sighs ] -[ Groans ] 139 00:05:18,018 --> 00:05:19,687 Gretchen. Manuel. 140 00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:20,954 Again, I'm so sorry abou-- 141 00:05:20,988 --> 00:05:22,856 You'll have to return these within two weeks. 142 00:05:22,890 --> 00:05:25,626 Unlike my phone calls! 143 00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:27,127 Señor. 144 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,830 We had to dig deeper, and since history 145 00:05:29,863 --> 00:05:31,832 is written by the victors... 146 00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:35,636 Muchas gracias. 147 00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,671 I brought my own. 148 00:05:37,705 --> 00:05:39,640 Manny: Mexican sources had a bit more to say 149 00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:43,711 about his actual involvement in the Alamo. [ Gasps ] 150 00:05:43,744 --> 00:05:44,778 [ Camera shutter clicks ] 151 00:05:46,079 --> 00:05:48,482 Okay. Oh, really? 152 00:05:48,516 --> 00:05:50,818 You want to give away the very first Gucci hoodie 153 00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:53,153 I ever bought our daughter? Okay, "first Gucci" 154 00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:55,656 is why our retirement planner fired us as clients. 155 00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:57,991 Also, Haley and Dylan are having twins, okay? 156 00:05:58,025 --> 00:05:59,359 They really need this stuff. I know. 157 00:05:59,393 --> 00:06:01,895 I-I-I still can't believe she's pregnant. 158 00:06:01,929 --> 00:06:03,831 Although... I know you're about to say something catty. 159 00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:04,932 You're practically purring. 160 00:06:04,965 --> 00:06:07,768 Wasn't Claire a bit "fun" in her 20s? 161 00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:09,537 You know, we have a saying back home -- 162 00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:12,272 "The crawdad don't skitter far from its crick." 163 00:06:12,305 --> 00:06:13,874 Okay, you're clutching a Dolce & Gabbana onesie -- 164 00:06:13,907 --> 00:06:15,175 decide who you are. 165 00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:16,944 And, by the way, it's not like your family 166 00:06:16,977 --> 00:06:18,846 doesn't have a wayward streak, okay? 167 00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:21,081 Pam's not exactly responsible. 168 00:06:21,114 --> 00:06:23,050 Oh, I'm sorry. Could an irresponsible woman 169 00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:25,185 win her prison's "Most Improved Wrestler" award? 170 00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:26,353 Okay, let's just admit 171 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:28,589 we have wild women on both sides of the family. 172 00:06:28,622 --> 00:06:30,858 [ Laughs ] Oh, God. Maybe it's good 173 00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:32,526 Lily wasn't saddled with those genes. 174 00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:33,894 She sure wasn't. If anything, 175 00:06:33,927 --> 00:06:36,630 I'm worried she acts a little young for her age. 176 00:06:36,664 --> 00:06:38,866 I mean, isn't 11 a little too old 177 00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:41,268 for these unicorns and teddy bears and -- 178 00:06:41,301 --> 00:06:43,904 [ Gasps ] My... Playgirl? 179 00:06:43,937 --> 00:06:45,606 Oh! Oh, God. 180 00:06:45,639 --> 00:06:46,907 Where -- Where did she get that? 181 00:06:46,940 --> 00:06:49,209 I didn't even know they still made these. 182 00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:51,645 Although it's heartening print media isn't completely dead. 183 00:06:51,679 --> 00:06:52,813 Okay, you're getting off track. 184 00:06:52,846 --> 00:06:54,915 Our daughter is looking at [whispering] naked men. 185 00:06:54,948 --> 00:06:56,717 I know. We're gonna have to talk to her about it. 186 00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:58,586 You know, my parents never talked to me 187 00:06:58,619 --> 00:06:59,887 about anything sexual. [ Sighs ] 188 00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,589 They just sent me to the stables 189 00:07:01,622 --> 00:07:03,557 when the horses were breeding, 190 00:07:03,591 --> 00:07:06,460 and wow, did that create some unreasonable expectations. 191 00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:12,132 No way! Who told her that? 192 00:07:12,165 --> 00:07:14,101 She -- Uh-oh. 193 00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:16,637 The dads have their faces on. See you at the sleepover. 194 00:07:16,670 --> 00:07:18,305 Both: Hey! 195 00:07:18,338 --> 00:07:20,240 So, listen, we need to talk to you about something. 196 00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:21,675 We, uh -- We found a -- 197 00:07:21,709 --> 00:07:23,243 a magazine in your room. Whoa! 198 00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:25,613 [ Groans ] There's nothing to be embarrassed about. 199 00:07:25,646 --> 00:07:27,414 Oh, God, no, not at all. You're -- You're going through 200 00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:29,617 a very exciting period of -- of change 201 00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:32,419 and -- and hormones. And -- And -- And, um, urges. 202 00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:33,521 Got it. Solid parenting. 203 00:07:33,554 --> 00:07:34,588 See you tomorrow. -No, no, no, no, no, no. 204 00:07:34,622 --> 00:07:35,756 No, no, no. -Sweetheart. Come on. 205 00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:37,525 I-I-I know this is uncomfortable, but... 206 00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:39,827 You shouldn't be ashamed about wondering 207 00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:41,194 or being curious about sex. 208 00:07:41,228 --> 00:07:43,296 You know, the mingling of bodies 209 00:07:43,330 --> 00:07:45,633 can be a beautiful expression of love. 210 00:07:45,666 --> 00:07:48,201 Stop! They have classes about this in school, 211 00:07:48,235 --> 00:07:49,970 and if you don't want me looking at magazines like that, 212 00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:52,272 don't leave them on the sofa! 213 00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:53,941 The sofa? How did -- 214 00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:55,308 How did it get on the sofa? I don't know. 215 00:07:55,342 --> 00:07:57,177 I don't -- Ah, the babysitter. 216 00:07:57,210 --> 00:07:59,547 Or, you know, Haley, or -- or Pam, or Claire. 217 00:07:59,580 --> 00:08:01,882 We were just talking about how perverted they are. 218 00:08:01,915 --> 00:08:04,484 Wait a minute. This is from 1997. 219 00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:08,355 And David Duchovny's on the cover. 220 00:08:08,388 --> 00:08:11,291 Didn't you have a thing for David Duchovny? 221 00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:13,694 Why -- Wha-- I don't even know who that is. 222 00:08:13,727 --> 00:08:16,997 He was on the -- you know, the cheesy sci-fi show, 223 00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:20,000 the, uh -- What was it? "The X-Files" or something? 224 00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:22,670 You know, kind of a dumbed-down "Men in Black"? 225 00:08:22,703 --> 00:08:23,971 They had that saying, you know? 226 00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:26,239 Saying was, "The truth is... up there"? 227 00:08:26,273 --> 00:08:28,141 You know damn well it's "The truth is out there"! 228 00:08:28,175 --> 00:08:29,743 Don't -- Don't you crinkle it. 229 00:08:29,777 --> 00:08:32,145 Why do you have a 20-year-old nudie mag? 230 00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:33,747 Agent Mulder meant a lot to me, okay? 231 00:08:33,781 --> 00:08:35,549 He was brooding and handsome 232 00:08:35,583 --> 00:08:38,218 and obsessed with an uptight yet sexy redhead. 233 00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:39,987 Yeah, well, guess what. You wouldn't have had a chance 234 00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:41,555 with David Duchovny because, look. 235 00:08:41,589 --> 00:08:42,856 One of his turn-offs 236 00:08:42,890 --> 00:08:44,725 is "dishonest people." [ Sighs ] 237 00:08:44,758 --> 00:08:47,327 And why is it just lying around the house? 238 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:48,762 I was bringing the trash bins 239 00:08:48,796 --> 00:08:50,030 into the garage the other day, 240 00:08:50,063 --> 00:08:52,265 and I noticed an old box of my stuff. 241 00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:54,902 I got nostalgic, and I decided to flip through it. 242 00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:57,037 Wait, garbage day? L-Last Wednesday? Yeah. 243 00:08:57,070 --> 00:08:59,106 The day we opened the bottle of Merlot, 244 00:08:59,139 --> 00:09:00,340 took it back to the bedroom, 245 00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:02,275 and had a rather spectacular... session? 246 00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:04,277 -Uh, was it that night? -Oh, please, 247 00:09:04,311 --> 00:09:06,179 it was the first time in years I'd seen your eyes 248 00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:07,748 roll back in your head without irony. 249 00:09:07,781 --> 00:09:09,516 Well, excuse me if I am attracted to you. 250 00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:11,752 Except it wasn't just me, was it? 251 00:09:11,785 --> 00:09:13,220 There were three of us in that bed. 252 00:09:13,253 --> 00:09:15,022 I sent you a dozen roses the next day. 253 00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:18,025 Apparently, I should've sent six to David Duchovny. 254 00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:19,426 Oh, come on! 255 00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:21,294 So what? I got a little extra worked up 256 00:09:21,328 --> 00:09:22,863 after looking at a sexy picture. 257 00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:24,264 People do it all the time. 258 00:09:24,297 --> 00:09:27,134 Pepper said it's the only reason he buys Brawny paper towels. 259 00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:29,436 So, I guess I'm weird for wanting to purely connect 260 00:09:29,469 --> 00:09:32,139 with you on an emotional level. 261 00:09:32,172 --> 00:09:33,974 Know what? I'm going to the gym. 262 00:09:34,007 --> 00:09:35,809 And good news, David Duchovny. 263 00:09:35,843 --> 00:09:37,745 You're not gonna be alone on the sofa tonight. 264 00:09:42,015 --> 00:09:43,717 Can you please hand me my iPod? 265 00:09:43,751 --> 00:09:45,052 You've robbed me of my dignity. 266 00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:47,888 You will not also rob me of my glorious exit. 267 00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:49,189 Thank you! 268 00:09:50,858 --> 00:09:52,092 There you go, buddy. 269 00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:54,127 Now you look like a real hero. 270 00:09:54,161 --> 00:09:56,764 I don't think I'm allowed to bring a knife to school. 271 00:09:56,797 --> 00:09:58,065 It's not sharp at all. 272 00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:00,167 And neither, apparently, are you. 273 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:01,501 I told you if we waited a few minutes 274 00:10:01,534 --> 00:10:02,903 he'd give us a delicious segue. 275 00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:05,105 Your uncle Erasmus Pritchett 276 00:10:05,138 --> 00:10:07,274 was a hero at the Alamo... 277 00:10:07,307 --> 00:10:08,909 but for the other side. 278 00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:10,744 Yeah, he hid in a closet during the fighting, 279 00:10:10,778 --> 00:10:12,345 then stole a dress and escaped 280 00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:13,747 by pretending to be a prostitute. 281 00:10:13,781 --> 00:10:15,248 What?! I don't believe you. 282 00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:17,517 These are official church documents. 283 00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:21,121 In this part, it says that he traded military secrets 284 00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:22,923 for rum and a new corset. 285 00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:25,525 "To this day, in Nuevo Laredo, 'to Erasmus' 286 00:10:25,558 --> 00:10:27,861 means 'to cry facedown on the ground.'" 287 00:10:27,895 --> 00:10:30,363 There's a picture of him cringing. 288 00:10:31,799 --> 00:10:34,935 I can't believe I named my lizard Erasmus. 289 00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:36,536 It was wartime, Joe! 290 00:10:36,569 --> 00:10:39,673 We can't judge a man who has lived through that kind of hell. 291 00:10:39,707 --> 00:10:40,808 He spent his post-war years 292 00:10:40,841 --> 00:10:43,176 spreading the gospel of vegetarianism. 293 00:10:43,210 --> 00:10:44,812 I have no uncle. 294 00:10:47,748 --> 00:10:49,850 Oh. [ Coughs ] This homeopathic remedy 295 00:10:49,883 --> 00:10:52,352 is really gonna help Haley with morning sickness. 296 00:10:52,385 --> 00:10:53,954 Uh-huh. I got the recipe from a doula 297 00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:55,488 I met in an Uber pool. 298 00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:56,690 Well, you were right about one thing. 299 00:10:56,724 --> 00:10:58,225 It does -- It does smell like 300 00:10:58,258 --> 00:11:00,393 a buffalo that was struck by lightning. 301 00:11:00,427 --> 00:11:02,295 When -- When are you heading back up to Oregon? 302 00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:04,331 Oh, I'm done with that place. 303 00:11:04,364 --> 00:11:05,632 Oldest story in the world. 304 00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:08,201 You know, I thought I found a nice guy, then one morning, 305 00:11:08,235 --> 00:11:10,137 he up and tells me he's found six new women. 306 00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:12,672 Mm. I'm done with Bhagwans. 307 00:11:12,706 --> 00:11:14,975 Coming back as Dylan's mother? 308 00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:16,810 Not funny, Mom. 309 00:11:16,844 --> 00:11:18,578 Not funny at all! 310 00:11:18,611 --> 00:11:21,314 Buddy, are you sure you're okay? 311 00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:22,649 Trust me, I'm a nurse. 312 00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:25,085 By now there'd be clear signs if I had a concursion. 313 00:11:26,854 --> 00:11:29,389 [ Whoosh ] [ Claire coughs ] 314 00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:31,091 Gosh, your mom looks familiar. 315 00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:32,826 She used to do a little modeling. 316 00:11:32,860 --> 00:11:34,361 Recently, she had her likeness stolen 317 00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:36,596 for one of those "Freeze-the-Fat" billboards. 318 00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:43,503 [ Gasps ] Dylan's Mom was the hot chick 319 00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:45,705 in the "Sex Kitty" music video. 320 00:11:45,739 --> 00:11:48,241 [ Rock music plays ] * Sex kitty * 321 00:11:48,275 --> 00:11:51,011 * Sexy kitty * 322 00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:53,080 * Sex kitty * 323 00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:54,848 * Se-- * [ Music stops ] 324 00:11:54,882 --> 00:11:56,183 The songwriting isn't perfect, 325 00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:59,953 but this video changed everything. 326 00:11:59,987 --> 00:12:01,855 [ Rock music resumes ] * Ow! * 327 00:12:01,889 --> 00:12:04,124 * Sex kitty, se-- * 328 00:12:04,157 --> 00:12:06,860 Those bikes don't live there, do they? 329 00:12:06,894 --> 00:12:09,196 'Cause that is an ideal north-facing spot 330 00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:10,764 for a birthing tub. 331 00:12:10,798 --> 00:12:12,132 I wasn't aware that Haley 332 00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:13,934 was considering a home birth. 333 00:12:13,967 --> 00:12:16,269 Oh, I wasn't, but then Farrah really opened up my eyes 334 00:12:16,303 --> 00:12:18,538 to the birth-industrial complex. 335 00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:20,373 You know, this room is kind of vibrating 336 00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:22,042 with ancient wounds. 337 00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:24,244 Let's sage the area. -Okay. 338 00:12:24,277 --> 00:12:26,446 Dylan, honey, do you think you could grab that fan 339 00:12:26,479 --> 00:12:28,415 and maybe de-funk the kitchen a little? 340 00:12:28,448 --> 00:12:30,550 Oh, my God. 341 00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:33,753 Is, uh -- Is Dylan's mom at all familiar to you? 342 00:12:33,787 --> 00:12:36,489 Yes! Thank God you noticed it, too. 343 00:12:36,523 --> 00:12:39,326 I can't believe that is gonna be in our life on a regular basis. 344 00:12:39,359 --> 00:12:41,394 I know. She's been driving me kind of crazy 345 00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:42,930 since I was a kid. 346 00:12:42,963 --> 00:12:44,397 Do you know how many nights I went to bed 347 00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:46,766 screaming her name into a pillow? 348 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,001 Go on. [ Inhales deeply ] 349 00:12:48,035 --> 00:12:49,069 [ Glass shatters ] 350 00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:51,738 -She broke it! -No, you broke it! 351 00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:54,241 Girls, it's fine! Also, who are you? 352 00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:56,076 Oh, I get my stepdaughters once a month 353 00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:58,678 when my ex-wife's on rotation with the National Guard. 354 00:12:58,711 --> 00:13:01,081 Mm. Girls, be careful with the chinchilla, okay? 355 00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:02,749 You know he has a nervous bowel. 356 00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:05,085 Hi, girls! Girls: Gammy! 357 00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:06,753 Gammy? 358 00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:07,955 The girls call you Gammy? 359 00:13:07,988 --> 00:13:09,256 That's funny, because I was hoping 360 00:13:09,289 --> 00:13:11,091 when Haley's twins came along, 361 00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:12,860 they might call me that. 362 00:13:12,893 --> 00:13:14,694 Oh, well, that might be confusing. 363 00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:16,429 But maybe you could be something else. Hm. 364 00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:18,598 How about "Gaga"? -Maybe we don't have to lock 365 00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:19,833 anything down right now. 366 00:13:19,867 --> 00:13:22,102 Oh, my God. I love it! 367 00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:23,436 Hey, Gaga! [ Laughs ] 368 00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:26,239 -Squeaker's loose! Get him! -Aah! 369 00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:29,676 I'll get him! 370 00:13:34,014 --> 00:13:35,515 Do you see it, Phil? What?! 371 00:13:35,548 --> 00:13:36,984 No, I didn't see anything, so... 372 00:13:37,017 --> 00:13:38,351 -Aah! -Oh! 373 00:13:38,385 --> 00:13:40,653 -Ooh! -I'm so sorry, D! 374 00:13:40,687 --> 00:13:41,855 If you weren't my hero, 375 00:13:41,889 --> 00:13:43,623 I'd wonder if you're doing this on purpose! 376 00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:45,025 Oh, my God, Dad! 377 00:13:45,058 --> 00:13:46,659 What's wrong with him, Mom? 378 00:13:46,693 --> 00:13:48,996 Mom? -Claire? 379 00:13:49,029 --> 00:13:51,364 Gaga? 380 00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:58,005 Hey, handsome, this seat taken? 381 00:13:58,038 --> 00:13:59,172 Hey, what are you doing here? 382 00:13:59,206 --> 00:14:00,908 Well, I brought you a smoothie, although, 383 00:14:00,941 --> 00:14:02,242 you don't need it because you're already 384 00:14:02,275 --> 00:14:05,478 100% fruity deliciousness. 385 00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:06,646 Maybe I just get right to it. 386 00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:08,581 Look, Mitchell, I appreciate what you're doing -- 387 00:14:08,615 --> 00:14:10,017 No, no, listen. [ Clears throat ] 388 00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:11,218 Lily's at a sleepover tonight, 389 00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:13,220 so I got us a suite 390 00:14:13,253 --> 00:14:15,655 at Whispers Resort and Spa. 391 00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:17,324 Isn't that the place, uh, Jen Aniston goes to 392 00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:18,825 after her divorces? Yes. 393 00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:21,428 And I'm sorry about the silly Playgirl thing. 394 00:14:21,461 --> 00:14:23,730 I-I want you to feel what I feel every day. 395 00:14:23,763 --> 00:14:26,033 That you only have eyes for me. 396 00:14:28,035 --> 00:14:30,603 Call me old-fashioned. I just don't see other men. 397 00:14:30,637 --> 00:14:32,005 [ Alarm beeping ] 398 00:14:32,039 --> 00:14:34,041 Sweetie, your -- your heart rate's setting off an alarm. 399 00:14:34,074 --> 00:14:35,175 Why -- Why don't you get off that bike? 400 00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:36,676 Yeah, that's a good idea. You know what? 401 00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:38,278 Why don't we go to the spa, see if we can get an early treatment? 402 00:14:38,311 --> 00:14:39,412 I love that. 403 00:14:39,446 --> 00:14:41,714 Oh, smoothie. 404 00:14:41,748 --> 00:14:43,450 Okay. 405 00:14:43,483 --> 00:14:45,185 Hey, you're -- you're really sweating. 406 00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:46,553 You should get a towel. 407 00:14:49,656 --> 00:14:50,958 Okay, you're acting weird. 408 00:14:50,991 --> 00:14:53,893 What's going on? Okay, look, I just -- 409 00:14:53,927 --> 00:14:56,529 Um, I'm excited about that hotel. 410 00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,431 I mean, there's a lot of Hollywood history there. 411 00:14:58,465 --> 00:15:00,700 You know, they say the Little Rascals 412 00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:02,202 used to have orgies there. 413 00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:03,736 Ah. [ Knocks on window ] 414 00:15:03,770 --> 00:15:05,138 Hey, Cam! 415 00:15:05,172 --> 00:15:08,208 I almost forgot the homemade protein bars you brought for us! 416 00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:09,142 Well, I'll see you next time! 417 00:15:09,176 --> 00:15:11,044 Yeah! Who is that? 418 00:15:11,078 --> 00:15:14,114 Wow, that's an interesting view. 419 00:15:14,147 --> 00:15:15,382 What? It's a parking lot. 420 00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:16,716 There's a Dumpster. -Oh, please. Come on. 421 00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:18,451 You picked this bike so you could have a front-row seat 422 00:15:18,485 --> 00:15:19,552 to this little peep sho-- 423 00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:22,055 Oh! Oh, my God. 424 00:15:22,089 --> 00:15:23,923 That night of our "spectacular session," 425 00:15:23,957 --> 00:15:25,258 you had just come from the gym. 426 00:15:25,292 --> 00:15:28,395 Well, I-I wonder what got your engine so revved up, huh? 427 00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:30,397 The truth is out there! [ Taps window ] 428 00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:31,564 Okay, you know what? 429 00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:32,599 I'm weak, okay? 430 00:15:32,632 --> 00:15:34,801 I can't believe you shamed me 431 00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:35,902 for looking at a magazine 432 00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:37,804 when you've been baking protein bars 433 00:15:37,837 --> 00:15:40,140 for Thunder from Down Under! -Maybe that's why. 434 00:15:40,173 --> 00:15:42,175 It's because I-I felt guilty about this. 435 00:15:42,209 --> 00:15:43,776 Well, don't, okay? 436 00:15:43,810 --> 00:15:45,912 We are allowed to look at other men 437 00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:48,115 without feeling guilty about it. 438 00:15:51,118 --> 00:15:53,686 And -- And if it inspires you, then go for it, 439 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:55,255 because at the end of the day, 440 00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:57,290 I'm the one who gets to reap the rewards. 441 00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:00,627 That's true. Okay. Look, I'm sorry. 442 00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:01,761 Let's just get out of here. 443 00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:03,997 Oh, now? Okay. 444 00:16:04,031 --> 00:16:05,598 Oh. 445 00:16:05,632 --> 00:16:06,599 Maybe I should join this gym. 446 00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:07,967 No, stick to your vintage nudie mags. 447 00:16:08,001 --> 00:16:09,769 This is mine. 448 00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:11,138 -What's his name? -Chuck. 449 00:16:11,171 --> 00:16:12,172 Oh, Chuck. 450 00:16:13,406 --> 00:16:15,142 Oh, Joe, so adorable, 451 00:16:15,175 --> 00:16:17,610 you look like a little Uncle Alvaro! 452 00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:19,712 One last touch -- the pocket watch, 453 00:16:19,746 --> 00:16:21,281 permanently broken at 3:30 454 00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:23,516 after it stopped a bullet shot by a very drunk 455 00:16:23,550 --> 00:16:25,618 and jealous Florence Nightingale. 456 00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:27,120 Jay: Maybe it was sour grapes, 457 00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:30,557 but this guy was starting to sound like baloney. 458 00:16:30,590 --> 00:16:33,160 I was sure that if I left no stone unturned, 459 00:16:33,193 --> 00:16:35,162 eventually, one day, 460 00:16:35,195 --> 00:16:38,465 I'd find some dirt on Great Uncle Alvaro. 461 00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:39,832 I knew it! 462 00:16:39,866 --> 00:16:44,471 Simón Francisco Alvaro would go from town to town, 463 00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:46,373 seducing wealthy widows 464 00:16:46,406 --> 00:16:49,809 with made-up stories of his bravery in battle. 465 00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:53,246 After frittering away their fortunes on drink and dice, 466 00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:56,983 he would move on, leaving his victims with nothing 467 00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:59,352 but a single red rose -- 468 00:16:59,386 --> 00:17:00,653 and syphilis. 469 00:17:00,687 --> 00:17:03,156 Who's up for a little history lesson? 470 00:17:03,190 --> 00:17:05,024 It seems -- -Wait, wait, wait, wait. 471 00:17:05,058 --> 00:17:06,826 Do it again. 472 00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:09,429 The yoke of Spanish oppression 473 00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:12,999 will chafe Colombian shoulders no longer! 474 00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:16,103 My saber thirsts for European blood! 475 00:17:16,136 --> 00:17:18,405 So cute! Bravo! 476 00:17:18,438 --> 00:17:21,841 He looked it up and memorized it himself. 477 00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:23,776 Hey, Dad. You know how kids tease me 478 00:17:23,810 --> 00:17:25,778 'cause I'm the shortest kid in the class? 479 00:17:25,812 --> 00:17:27,414 Oh, don't listen to what they say! 480 00:17:27,447 --> 00:17:31,084 Right! Uncle Alvaro was only five feet tall 481 00:17:31,118 --> 00:17:33,186 and he led a whole army! 482 00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:35,555 I'm gonna be brave like him. 483 00:17:36,823 --> 00:17:40,059 Viva Uncle Alvaro. 484 00:17:40,093 --> 00:17:43,363 Jay: I enjoyed a lot of years taking pride in my great uncle. 485 00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:45,598 I didn't want to rob Joe of that. 486 00:17:45,632 --> 00:17:47,534 It wasn't easy biting my tongue, 487 00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:50,470 but I took a page from another heroic relative -- 488 00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:52,639 Lulach McPritchett -- 489 00:17:52,672 --> 00:17:56,042 proud Scottish warrior, captured by the English, 490 00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:59,612 tortured for months using every method imaginable, 491 00:17:59,646 --> 00:18:03,383 and never once giving up a single secret. 492 00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:04,851 Don't look him up. 493 00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:10,257 [ Door opens ] 494 00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:15,228 [ Italian accent ] Signora, why so sad? 495 00:18:15,262 --> 00:18:18,298 Let me see that big macaroni smile, ah? 496 00:18:18,331 --> 00:18:19,832 How did you find me? 497 00:18:19,866 --> 00:18:21,901 [ Normal voice ] Antonio called and said 498 00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:23,770 you'd ordered a flaming Sambuca... [ Sighs ] 499 00:18:23,803 --> 00:18:25,405 ...and just watched it burn. 500 00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:27,840 Mm-hmm. 501 00:18:27,874 --> 00:18:29,476 It's all just going too fast. 502 00:18:29,509 --> 00:18:31,077 Five months ago, 503 00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:32,579 Haley got back together with Dylan. 504 00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:35,415 Then my mom dies. Then Haley's pregnant. 505 00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:36,783 Then it's twins. 506 00:18:36,816 --> 00:18:39,419 Then, "Come move in with us this summer" turns into 507 00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:42,255 "Ding-dong, we're here with an early preview of twins 508 00:18:42,289 --> 00:18:43,823 and an incontinent chinchilla, 509 00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:46,459 and, in the most terrifying return since Freddy Krueger 510 00:18:46,493 --> 00:18:48,595 sashayed his way back onto Elm Street, 511 00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:52,965 my mother reincarnated into the body of Farrah." 512 00:18:52,999 --> 00:18:55,134 [ Exhales deeply ] Oh... 513 00:18:55,168 --> 00:18:57,670 How -- How are you handling this all so well? 514 00:18:57,704 --> 00:18:59,105 Who says I am? 515 00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:00,207 I had to get out of there, 516 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:03,009 or I was gonna make Haley a single mom. 517 00:19:03,042 --> 00:19:04,811 I hit Dylan again, Claire. 518 00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:07,447 But not on purpose. Are we sure? 519 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:10,116 You mean, like, you might have some buried anger 520 00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:12,952 towards him stealing away your baby girl? 521 00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:15,488 Oh, I so want it to be on purpose. 522 00:19:15,522 --> 00:19:17,457 Gets lonely out here on crazy island. 523 00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:19,158 [ Chuckles ] 524 00:19:19,192 --> 00:19:21,628 Oh, well, 525 00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:24,130 we still have Italy. 526 00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:25,465 Do we? 527 00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:27,900 Listen, I've been doing some research on twins, 528 00:19:27,934 --> 00:19:30,637 and it seems that, like our daughter, they -- 529 00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:31,671 they tend to come early. 530 00:19:31,704 --> 00:19:34,140 Even if it's a 1-in-10 chance, 531 00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:37,910 I can't risk having the only maternal figure present 532 00:19:37,944 --> 00:19:40,747 be that tub-birthing Wiccan. 533 00:19:40,780 --> 00:19:42,982 I got to be there for Haley. 534 00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:44,517 It's overwhelming for sure, 535 00:19:44,551 --> 00:19:48,087 but haven't a ton of our best memories 536 00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:50,990 come from the anarchy of our house? 537 00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:54,160 Like when Luke got his head stuck in the banister? 538 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:55,762 Which time? [ Chuckles, snorts ] 539 00:19:55,795 --> 00:19:58,365 Or when -- when Alex's science fair project 540 00:19:58,398 --> 00:19:59,699 blacked out the whole neighborhood 541 00:19:59,732 --> 00:20:02,269 during the Super Bowl? [ Laughs ] 542 00:20:02,302 --> 00:20:03,370 Or when, uh, 543 00:20:03,403 --> 00:20:04,837 Haley snuck in Luke's window 544 00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:06,873 the same week we bought him a slingshot? Oh, God. 545 00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:08,675 That was... Mm. 546 00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:10,843 So, it's a-a madhouse, 547 00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:13,280 but on the other hand, 548 00:20:13,313 --> 00:20:15,214 we're gonna have a couple babies in the house, 549 00:20:15,248 --> 00:20:17,450 and they'll be Haley and Dylan's. 550 00:20:17,484 --> 00:20:20,119 Mm-hmm. So they'll be doing funny stuff. 551 00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:25,224 So... 552 00:20:25,258 --> 00:20:27,627 looks like we are going on a trip? 553 00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:47,547 Gretchen. Manuel. 554 00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:50,216 Look, I really am sorry about the way things ended -- 555 00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:51,384 That chapter is closed. 556 00:20:51,418 --> 00:20:53,252 We have a strictly business relationship now. 557 00:20:54,854 --> 00:20:57,056 Did you enjoy this book, or did you find your eyes 558 00:20:57,089 --> 00:20:59,459 drifting toward a shorter Jewish one? 559 00:20:59,492 --> 00:21:01,828 Okay, Shoshana and I are over. 560 00:21:01,861 --> 00:21:03,496 It was beyond hurtful that you found a woman 561 00:21:03,530 --> 00:21:05,932 whose name has two "shhh" sounds in it. 562 00:21:05,965 --> 00:21:07,567 Clearly, you're still upset 563 00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:10,570 and there's no hope for reconciliation, so... 564 00:21:10,603 --> 00:21:12,104 I'll just say goodbye and hope you'll allow me 565 00:21:12,138 --> 00:21:14,741 to play myself off with our song. 566 00:21:14,774 --> 00:21:16,409 [ "Sex Kitty" plays ] 567 00:21:16,443 --> 00:21:19,412 * Oh, yeah * 568 00:21:19,446 --> 00:21:21,748 * Ow! * 569 00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:23,683 * Sex kitty * 570 00:21:23,716 --> 00:21:25,284 * Sexy kitty *