1 00:00:02,089 --> 00:00:04,265 [ Goat bleats ]Auctioneer: ...72, 72, $72! 2 00:00:04,308 --> 00:00:06,049 $72, 72 bid, 72 bid, 3 00:00:06,093 --> 00:00:08,095 75, 75, 75!Oh, boy. 4 00:00:08,138 --> 00:00:10,880 Is it already the first day of livestock auction season again? 5 00:00:10,923 --> 00:00:12,186 It's the same day every year, Mitchell -- 6 00:00:12,229 --> 00:00:14,057 a fortnight after the first ripe tomato comes in. 7 00:00:14,101 --> 00:00:17,060 And seriously? Thisis what passes for auction- calling these days? 8 00:00:17,104 --> 00:00:19,193 Is it possible you're being a tad harsh? 9 00:00:19,236 --> 00:00:21,064 You know, when you've beenat the top of your field -- 10 00:00:21,108 --> 00:00:23,153 Greater Bug CountyAuction-Calling Champ 11 00:00:23,197 --> 00:00:24,328 three years running -- 12 00:00:24,372 --> 00:00:26,330 it's hard to see anythingbut the inadequacies. 13 00:00:26,374 --> 00:00:28,115 It's why Baryshnikovcouldn't watch others dance. 14 00:00:28,158 --> 00:00:30,204 What? He was the Artistic Director of -- 15 00:00:30,247 --> 00:00:32,119 How long have you lived in this house?! 16 00:00:32,162 --> 00:00:34,121 It's gonna wind up being some pig named Baryshnikov 17 00:00:34,164 --> 00:00:35,992 or some damn thing. 18 00:00:37,385 --> 00:00:38,690 So, how wasyour trumpet lesson? 19 00:00:38,734 --> 00:00:39,996 It was amazing. Yeah. 20 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:43,217 Oh, these sessions just have really changed my life. 21 00:00:43,260 --> 00:00:45,175 Technically, uh, not a lie. 22 00:00:45,219 --> 00:00:47,917 Uh, I started taking trumpet lessons two years ago. 23 00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:49,484 But then I noticed the place next door 24 00:00:49,527 --> 00:00:52,661 was offering massages for the same price, so... 25 00:00:52,704 --> 00:00:53,705 you know. 26 00:00:53,749 --> 00:00:57,231 And I felt bad relaxing while Cam was... 27 00:00:57,274 --> 00:00:58,667 solo-parenting Lily. 28 00:00:58,710 --> 00:01:01,235 But -- Butwe were both spending time 29 00:01:01,278 --> 00:01:03,759 with an Asian woman who walked all over us. 30 00:01:03,802 --> 00:01:05,152 You always smell like lavender 31 00:01:05,195 --> 00:01:06,327 when you come back from that place. 32 00:01:06,370 --> 00:01:08,024 Uh, yeah, it's the -- it's the valve oil 33 00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:09,156 for the, um -- you know, 34 00:01:09,199 --> 00:01:10,244 the t--the tooting buttons.Oh. 35 00:01:10,287 --> 00:01:12,289 We should probably, uh,hit the road soon. 36 00:01:12,333 --> 00:01:14,117 High school graduation'sin an hour. [ Groans ] 37 00:01:14,161 --> 00:01:15,162 It's so humiliating 38 00:01:15,205 --> 00:01:17,294 being the Vice Principal at these things. 39 00:01:17,338 --> 00:01:19,166 It's just a ceremonial position 40 00:01:19,209 --> 00:01:21,168 where you have to sit behind Principal Brown, 41 00:01:21,211 --> 00:01:22,125 politely clapping 42 00:01:22,169 --> 00:01:24,562 while hegets to set the course of history. 43 00:01:24,606 --> 00:01:26,042 Well, it could be funwith my dad giving 44 00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:27,261 the commencement address,though. 45 00:01:27,304 --> 00:01:28,131 I got a peek at his note cards, 46 00:01:28,175 --> 00:01:30,046 and I don't wantto give anything away, 47 00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:31,569 but the young kid who boarded the bus 48 00:01:31,613 --> 00:01:33,136 with the hair full of Brylcreem 49 00:01:33,180 --> 00:01:35,007 and a cardboard suitcasefull of dreams -- 50 00:01:35,051 --> 00:01:36,226 it was him. 51 00:01:36,270 --> 00:01:37,271 [ Cellphone ringing ] 52 00:01:37,314 --> 00:01:39,229 Oh, I have to take this. It's Superintendent Pierce. 53 00:01:39,273 --> 00:01:40,404 [ Cellphone beeps ] 54 00:01:40,448 --> 00:01:42,754 Hello, good sir.To what do I owe this honor? 55 00:01:44,060 --> 00:01:45,844 Oh, no. 56 00:01:45,888 --> 00:01:47,585 That's horrible. 57 00:01:47,629 --> 00:01:49,761 Principal Brown got into a car accident! 58 00:01:49,805 --> 00:01:52,764 W-Which means, as next in the line of succession, 59 00:01:52,808 --> 00:01:54,940 I get to preside over today's graduation. 60 00:01:54,984 --> 00:01:57,291 You know, this is why senior administration officials 61 00:01:57,334 --> 00:01:58,640 never travel together. 62 00:01:58,683 --> 00:02:00,207 [ Humming ] 63 00:02:00,250 --> 00:02:02,731 Your glee at another man'smisfortune should trouble me, 64 00:02:02,774 --> 00:02:05,299 but there's also somethingsort of sexy about it. 65 00:02:05,342 --> 00:02:07,605 Well, power is an aphrodisiac. Oh. 66 00:02:07,649 --> 00:02:08,867 Maybe lateryou could be the principal 67 00:02:08,911 --> 00:02:10,739 and I could be the studentwho's a few credits short. 68 00:02:10,782 --> 00:02:12,393 Hmm. A bad, bad boy 69 00:02:12,436 --> 00:02:14,264 who needs to be taughtright from wrong. 70 00:02:14,308 --> 00:02:15,874 'Cause I grew up in a broken home, 71 00:02:15,918 --> 00:02:18,660 where social workersand constant fights about money 72 00:02:18,703 --> 00:02:19,748 were just -- 73 00:02:19,791 --> 00:02:21,445 Okay, well, now I'm just sad. 74 00:02:21,489 --> 00:02:24,448 --Captions by VITAC-- 75 00:02:24,492 --> 00:02:27,538 Captioning Provided by 20th Century Fox Television and ABC, Inc. 76 00:02:27,582 --> 00:02:30,541 and brought to you by Ford. Going further, so you can. 77 00:02:30,585 --> 00:02:33,065 ♪♪ 78 00:02:35,677 --> 00:02:37,374 Together: Yah! Yah! 79 00:02:37,418 --> 00:02:39,028 [ Clears throat ] Can we switch seats? 80 00:02:39,071 --> 00:02:40,029 I'm right under a vent. 81 00:02:40,072 --> 00:02:41,683 This is not good for my instrument. 82 00:02:41,726 --> 00:02:45,817 Oh, so nice that you're taking this speech so seriously. 83 00:02:45,861 --> 00:02:48,080 When you did Mitch and Cam's wedding toast, 84 00:02:48,124 --> 00:02:49,908 you had your mouth full of cashews. 85 00:02:49,952 --> 00:02:52,911 Together: Yah! Yah! Yah! 86 00:02:52,955 --> 00:02:55,262 Hey, pay attention to your brother. 87 00:02:55,305 --> 00:02:56,350 You got him into karate. 88 00:02:56,393 --> 00:02:57,568 Not on purpose. 89 00:02:57,612 --> 00:02:59,614 I just showed hima few "Pink Panther" movies. 90 00:03:00,615 --> 00:03:02,356 Joe? 91 00:03:02,399 --> 00:03:03,357 Joe? 92 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,010 I-I-I don't want to play 93 00:03:05,054 --> 00:03:07,230 this Inspector Clouseau and Cato game anymore. 94 00:03:07,274 --> 00:03:09,276 It's not that I'm scared. 95 00:03:09,319 --> 00:03:10,799 It's just, I-I'm a little busy -- 96 00:03:10,842 --> 00:03:12,148 Aah! Aah! 97 00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,628 He's a little psycho. 98 00:03:13,671 --> 00:03:16,152 Which we must never show him,by the way. 99 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,415 And sorry if I'm distracted. 100 00:03:18,459 --> 00:03:20,156 It's cut day at CalArts. 101 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,114 Half of the classisn't being asked back. 102 00:03:22,158 --> 00:03:23,855 Manny, my mother's intuition 103 00:03:23,899 --> 00:03:26,467 tells me that you have nothing to worry about. 104 00:03:26,510 --> 00:03:27,511 It's just so cruel. 105 00:03:27,555 --> 00:03:29,513 I'm halfwayto a playwriting degree 106 00:03:29,557 --> 00:03:30,688 and a minor in mask-making 107 00:03:30,732 --> 00:03:32,255 and they're just gonnathrow me out on the street 108 00:03:32,299 --> 00:03:33,430 with no way to support myself? 109 00:03:33,474 --> 00:03:36,390 As a wise man will say in about two hours -- 110 00:03:36,433 --> 00:03:40,307 "Be grateful for the rocks life rolls in your path, 111 00:03:40,350 --> 00:03:43,527 for one day, you'll see them as stepping stones." 112 00:03:43,571 --> 00:03:45,486 I had that in my "maybe" pile. 113 00:03:45,529 --> 00:03:46,487 Trust yourself, Jay. 114 00:03:46,530 --> 00:03:48,837 [ Cellphone chimes, buzzes ] 115 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:51,492 Oh, God.It's an e-mail from school. 116 00:03:51,535 --> 00:03:53,450 I don't think I can read thisin front of people. 117 00:03:53,494 --> 00:03:54,756 Kids: Yah! 118 00:03:54,799 --> 00:03:55,974 Gloria: Let's go, Joe! 119 00:03:56,018 --> 00:03:57,149 Ay! 120 00:03:57,193 --> 00:03:58,499 [ Applause ] 121 00:03:58,542 --> 00:03:59,674 Ay! 122 00:04:01,328 --> 00:04:03,155 [ Groans ] 123 00:04:03,199 --> 00:04:04,200 [ Sighs ] 124 00:04:07,116 --> 00:04:08,900 I did it! 125 00:04:08,944 --> 00:04:10,380 I did it! [ Laughing ] Yes! 126 00:04:19,694 --> 00:04:22,174 Did my mom bribe Sensei Ron? 127 00:04:22,218 --> 00:04:23,350 [ Cheers and applause ] 128 00:04:23,393 --> 00:04:24,742 I knew you could do it,Joe! 129 00:04:24,786 --> 00:04:26,353 My mother's intuitiontold me 130 00:04:26,396 --> 00:04:29,094 that you hadnothing to worry about. 131 00:04:29,138 --> 00:04:33,011 And if she bribed Sensei Ron, who else did she bribe? 132 00:04:33,055 --> 00:04:35,405 Did I even deserve this? 133 00:04:35,449 --> 00:04:38,539 Phil: Do you remember whengrocery shopping was boring? 134 00:04:38,582 --> 00:04:39,583 I really don't. 135 00:04:39,627 --> 00:04:41,019 [ Wheels rattling ] 136 00:04:41,063 --> 00:04:42,673 As a parent, you don't get 137 00:04:42,717 --> 00:04:45,328 a lot of good, clean,guilt-free victories. 138 00:04:45,372 --> 00:04:46,982 That's why it's hard not to feel 139 00:04:47,025 --> 00:04:49,463 pretty damn good about ourselves today. 140 00:04:49,506 --> 00:04:50,377 Because this afternoon, 141 00:04:50,420 --> 00:04:53,467 we are going to watchour daughter Alex graduate... 142 00:04:53,510 --> 00:04:54,468 With honors! 143 00:04:54,511 --> 00:04:56,774 ...from the world-renownedCaltech. 144 00:04:56,818 --> 00:04:59,516 ♪ When the Caltech Beavers face you at sports ♪ 145 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:02,954 ♪ Prepare to relinquish the ba-a-all ♪ 146 00:05:02,998 --> 00:05:05,261 Their best minds weren't focusedon the fight song. 147 00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:06,480 Yeah. 148 00:05:06,523 --> 00:05:08,046 I just can't stop smiling 149 00:05:08,090 --> 00:05:10,701 at this picture of Alexin her cap and gown. 150 00:05:10,745 --> 00:05:12,573 It's so surreal that one of ourkids 151 00:05:12,616 --> 00:05:14,705 could do something so amazing. 152 00:05:14,749 --> 00:05:16,141 I love you both. 153 00:05:16,185 --> 00:05:19,188 So, you two, grab champagne and flowers for Alex. 154 00:05:19,231 --> 00:05:21,930 We'll, uh -- We'll get some cigars to give to Jay. 155 00:05:21,973 --> 00:05:23,366 Yeah. 156 00:05:23,410 --> 00:05:24,367 [ Sighs ] 157 00:05:24,411 --> 00:05:25,542 Oh, my God. 158 00:05:25,586 --> 00:05:27,762 It's Skip Woosnam. Have you seen him since he fired you? 159 00:05:27,805 --> 00:05:30,634 Once, at a listing. 160 00:05:30,678 --> 00:05:32,767 I tried to pretendI was a 3D cutout of myself 161 00:05:32,810 --> 00:05:34,290 to avoid talking to him. 162 00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,510 But you know what?Today I wantto talk to him. 163 00:05:36,553 --> 00:05:37,946 I thinkI'll let ol' Skip know 164 00:05:37,989 --> 00:05:40,470 I have a daughtergraduating from Caltech. 165 00:05:40,514 --> 00:05:42,167 No, honey, we are not the kind of parents 166 00:05:42,211 --> 00:05:44,648 who make ourselves look good by bragging about our kids. 167 00:05:44,692 --> 00:05:46,476 Then why did weeven have them, Claire? 168 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:47,999 [ Sighs ] Are we really not gonna crow about it 169 00:05:48,043 --> 00:05:50,088 when one of our kidsfinally does somethingwe can be proud of? 170 00:05:50,132 --> 00:05:51,612 I love you both very much. 171 00:05:51,655 --> 00:05:53,353 I'm comfortablebeing the hot one. 172 00:05:57,661 --> 00:05:59,228 Another record month? 173 00:05:59,271 --> 00:06:01,056 [ Laughing ] Well, thank you! 174 00:06:01,099 --> 00:06:03,275 You're the greatest butler on Earth. 175 00:06:03,319 --> 00:06:04,451 Ohp! I gotta run. 176 00:06:04,494 --> 00:06:06,670 Phil? Skip! 177 00:06:06,714 --> 00:06:08,280 You son of a gun. How the hell are you? 178 00:06:08,324 --> 00:06:10,674 Great, great.Business is better than ever. 179 00:06:10,718 --> 00:06:11,458 How about you? 180 00:06:11,501 --> 00:06:14,025 Did you, uh,finally get real cutouts? 181 00:06:14,069 --> 00:06:15,026 I don't know what you're talking about. 182 00:06:15,070 --> 00:06:16,550 Mine are so realistic and 3D, 183 00:06:16,593 --> 00:06:17,768 you must have been laughing at one of them like an idiot. 184 00:06:17,812 --> 00:06:19,770 How crazy is it we ran into each other shopping, huh? 185 00:06:19,814 --> 00:06:22,294 Say, how are your kids? 186 00:06:22,338 --> 00:06:23,513 Terrific. Yeah. 187 00:06:23,557 --> 00:06:26,124 June just, uh, took a jobat the Container Store. 188 00:06:26,168 --> 00:06:28,039 Impressive. I have a kid that's interested in space, as well.Yeah. 189 00:06:28,083 --> 00:06:31,521 Considering a job at, uh -- at NASA, actually. Oh. 190 00:06:31,565 --> 00:06:34,219 Yeah, he, uh, looks likehe's got the right stuff. 191 00:06:34,263 --> 00:06:35,525 [ Laughs ] 192 00:06:35,569 --> 00:06:37,701 No, I -- it's -- I was talking about my daughter. 193 00:06:37,745 --> 00:06:39,486 Oh. Hey, Dad. [ Chuckles ] Dad, guess what. 194 00:06:39,529 --> 00:06:42,140 The twins started kicking the second I picked up booze. 195 00:06:42,184 --> 00:06:44,534 [ Laughter ]They're my kids, right? 196 00:06:44,578 --> 00:06:46,406 [ Laughing ] My otherdaughter. 197 00:06:49,278 --> 00:06:50,888 Okay, I'm doing a little thing about 198 00:06:50,932 --> 00:06:52,107 following your dreams in mine. 199 00:06:52,150 --> 00:06:53,500 Do you have anything like that in yours? 200 00:06:53,543 --> 00:06:54,544 I say"follow your passions." 201 00:06:54,588 --> 00:06:56,546 Okay, yeah. That's different enough. 202 00:06:56,590 --> 00:06:58,374 [ Laughter ] Okay. 203 00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:00,115 Something fishy's going on over here. 204 00:07:00,158 --> 00:07:02,378 I'm gonna go shake some trees, see what falls. 205 00:07:03,988 --> 00:07:06,338 Looking lovely today,Vice Principal Tucker. 206 00:07:06,382 --> 00:07:08,384 Cut the choirboy act, Pitkowski. 207 00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:09,864 Oh, you don't like the way I'm talking to you? 208 00:07:09,907 --> 00:07:11,387 Well, who are you gonna complain to? 209 00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:12,475 No one! 210 00:07:12,519 --> 00:07:14,129 Because I'mthe acting principal, 211 00:07:14,172 --> 00:07:15,870 clothed in immense power! 212 00:07:18,350 --> 00:07:19,613 Wait, what is -- Nope! 213 00:07:19,656 --> 00:07:21,702 [ Sighs ]I bend faster. 214 00:07:21,745 --> 00:07:23,094 "Jay Pritchett, Owl Killer"?! 215 00:07:23,138 --> 00:07:24,182 What the hell is this? 216 00:07:24,226 --> 00:07:25,270 [ Gasps ] 217 00:07:25,314 --> 00:07:27,316 The year was 1972. 218 00:07:27,359 --> 00:07:28,491 I landed a whale -- 219 00:07:28,535 --> 00:07:31,494 every closet on a Carnival Cruise ship. 220 00:07:31,538 --> 00:07:33,148 To make the numbers work, 221 00:07:33,191 --> 00:07:35,846 I needed a lot of cedar fast and cheap. 222 00:07:35,890 --> 00:07:37,848 I ended up cutting down a forestthat happened to be 223 00:07:37,892 --> 00:07:41,112 the last habitat of the Golden Speckled Owl. 224 00:07:41,156 --> 00:07:44,115 You know, nobody talks about all the mice I saved. 225 00:07:44,159 --> 00:07:45,421 Nope! 226 00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:46,988 Just the owls. 227 00:07:47,031 --> 00:07:48,729 Are you all planning some sort of protest? 228 00:07:48,772 --> 00:07:51,079 Well, that ain't happening on my watch. 229 00:07:51,122 --> 00:07:51,949 Now go take your seats! 230 00:07:51,993 --> 00:07:53,734 "Owl Hitler"?! 231 00:07:55,083 --> 00:07:57,868 What the hell is this picture? I never strangled an owl! 232 00:07:57,912 --> 00:08:00,654 Is it too much for Dylan to let me know where he is? 233 00:08:00,697 --> 00:08:02,525 My water could literally break any minute. 234 00:08:02,569 --> 00:08:03,918 Am I okay sitting here, 235 00:08:03,961 --> 00:08:06,747 or am I in a SeaWorld splash zone situation?[ Groans ] 236 00:08:06,790 --> 00:08:09,532 Claire, your old high school nemesis Ashley Walls, 237 00:08:09,576 --> 00:08:11,099 did she have a daughter? 238 00:08:11,142 --> 00:08:12,796 Uh, I don't think so.Why? 239 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:14,755 Well, that woman over there looks just like Ashley, but it can't be. 240 00:08:14,798 --> 00:08:16,408 She looks half your... beauty. 241 00:08:17,714 --> 00:08:19,411 Ashley Walls. 242 00:08:19,455 --> 00:08:21,457 She outdid me at everything. 243 00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:24,591 Homecoming Queen, Field Hockey Captain, 244 00:08:24,634 --> 00:08:26,593 and the summer before we went away to college, 245 00:08:26,636 --> 00:08:27,985 she beat me out for an internship 246 00:08:28,029 --> 00:08:29,334 at Pritchett's closets. 247 00:08:29,378 --> 00:08:30,118 [ Smack ] 248 00:08:30,161 --> 00:08:31,554 Claire? 249 00:08:31,598 --> 00:08:32,816 Hi. [ Chuckles ] 250 00:08:32,860 --> 00:08:34,339 I...want to say... 251 00:08:34,383 --> 00:08:35,340 Ashley? 252 00:08:35,384 --> 00:08:36,341 Yes! [ Chuckles ] 253 00:08:36,385 --> 00:08:38,126 How are you?Good. 254 00:08:38,169 --> 00:08:39,562 Hi.Ashley Walls-Carnegie. 255 00:08:39,606 --> 00:08:40,955 Phillip Humphrey Dunphy. 256 00:08:40,998 --> 00:08:43,653 So, what have you been up to, Ashley? 257 00:08:43,697 --> 00:08:45,699 Uh, well,I'm a personal injury lawyer. 258 00:08:45,742 --> 00:08:47,831 Mm.I have a buddy that makes bank from that. 259 00:08:47,875 --> 00:08:48,615 Oh? He's not a lawyer. 260 00:08:48,658 --> 00:08:51,008 He just tries to get nice cars to hit him. 261 00:08:51,052 --> 00:08:52,401 Yeah, he's just kidding. [ Chuckles ] 262 00:08:52,444 --> 00:08:53,620 No, I'm not, Mom. 263 00:08:53,663 --> 00:08:54,969 In fact, I've ac--Here, have a candy. Hmm? 264 00:08:55,012 --> 00:08:56,144 That was rude. 265 00:08:56,187 --> 00:08:57,624 I just ran into my old health teacher, 266 00:08:57,667 --> 00:08:59,190 and she said she always expected 267 00:08:59,234 --> 00:09:01,802 to see me pregnant at graduation. 268 00:09:01,845 --> 00:09:02,803 Congratulations. 269 00:09:02,846 --> 00:09:03,804 Oh, thanks. Twins. 270 00:09:03,847 --> 00:09:06,023 Sorry, I'd be a lot happier about it 271 00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:07,677 if I could track their father down. 272 00:09:07,721 --> 00:09:08,983 Candy. 273 00:09:09,026 --> 00:09:11,507 Oh, look --it's your brother, Mitch. 274 00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,161 Now, he was alwaysa little uptight, wasn't he? 275 00:09:13,204 --> 00:09:15,859 Well, he was in high school, but now he's just the most -- 276 00:09:15,903 --> 00:09:16,991 Okay, you have one job today, young lady, 277 00:09:17,034 --> 00:09:18,209 okay, to be supportive. 278 00:09:18,253 --> 00:09:19,733 If your dad makes a joke, you will laugh. 279 00:09:19,776 --> 00:09:21,648 If he makes a speech, you will what? Applaud. 280 00:09:21,691 --> 00:09:23,737 Right. I-I-I'm gonnago find my seat. 281 00:09:23,780 --> 00:09:25,608 But it was greatcatching up with you, Claire. 282 00:09:25,652 --> 00:09:27,044 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 283 00:09:27,088 --> 00:09:28,698 [ Groans ] 284 00:09:28,742 --> 00:09:29,786 No one would blame you if you mentioned 285 00:09:29,830 --> 00:09:32,484 you had a daughter graduating from Caltech today. 286 00:09:32,528 --> 00:09:34,617 [ Sighing ] Yeah.Honey, the moment has passed. 287 00:09:34,661 --> 00:09:37,794 I'd need a pretty good reason tojust go waltzing over there -- 288 00:09:37,838 --> 00:09:39,622 [ Gasps ] Oh!She dropped her program! 289 00:09:39,666 --> 00:09:40,754 Yes! [ Snickers ] 290 00:09:40,797 --> 00:09:42,277 Hey, Claire, you knowhow you're my go-to gal -- 291 00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:43,757 Busy. Hey, Phil. 292 00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:46,498 You know howyou're my go-to guy on stuff? 293 00:09:46,542 --> 00:09:47,674 Huh. 294 00:09:47,717 --> 00:09:50,285 I suppose against all odds, we've become best friends. 295 00:09:50,328 --> 00:09:51,460 Sure. 296 00:09:51,503 --> 00:09:54,289 So, apparently,some of the students are angry 297 00:09:54,332 --> 00:09:55,899 that I'm givingthe commencement address. 298 00:09:55,943 --> 00:09:58,641 Why? Who knows whytheir sick minds do anything? 299 00:09:58,685 --> 00:10:00,687 Gotta say though, it feels goodto be hating hippies again. 300 00:10:00,730 --> 00:10:03,515 Anyway, would you mindgiving this place a sweep? 301 00:10:03,559 --> 00:10:05,779 See if you noticesomething suspicious. 302 00:10:05,822 --> 00:10:08,433 Consider it done. 303 00:10:08,477 --> 00:10:10,131 Hey. What do you got there? 304 00:10:10,174 --> 00:10:12,699 You kids got something underthose robes you want to show me? 305 00:10:12,742 --> 00:10:16,224 Manny, you passed the cuts, 306 00:10:16,267 --> 00:10:18,139 so why aren't you in a better mood? 307 00:10:18,182 --> 00:10:20,010 [ Sighs ] 308 00:10:20,054 --> 00:10:22,796 You bribed my dean to get mepast the cut, didn't you? 309 00:10:22,839 --> 00:10:25,712 I would never do something like that. 310 00:10:25,755 --> 00:10:26,930 Oh, bravo! 311 00:10:26,974 --> 00:10:28,932 If Lisa Wagner pulled outthat performance, 312 00:10:28,976 --> 00:10:30,934 maybe she wouldn't be drivingback to her parents' house 313 00:10:30,978 --> 00:10:32,675 with a trunkfull of handmade puppets 314 00:10:32,719 --> 00:10:34,938 and a suddenlyvery uncertain future. 315 00:10:34,982 --> 00:10:38,072 I didn't bribe anyone. I don't know why you're talking such crazy things. 316 00:10:38,115 --> 00:10:40,030 Because I saw you bribeSensei Ron. 317 00:10:40,074 --> 00:10:41,815 Wait. 318 00:10:41,858 --> 00:10:44,165 You bribed Sensei Ron?! 319 00:10:44,208 --> 00:10:45,688 So this is just a lie?! 320 00:10:45,732 --> 00:10:47,690 Are there others? 321 00:10:47,734 --> 00:10:50,040 Who the hell even am I?! 322 00:10:50,084 --> 00:10:52,521 [ Indistinct conversations in distance ] 323 00:10:58,179 --> 00:10:59,615 Oh! 324 00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:00,790 Oops. 325 00:11:02,966 --> 00:11:03,967 Oh, my God! 326 00:11:04,011 --> 00:11:05,316 [ Groans ] 327 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:06,317 [ Chuckles ] 328 00:11:06,361 --> 00:11:09,059 Nice try, kemosabes. 329 00:11:09,103 --> 00:11:10,060 Oh! 330 00:11:10,104 --> 00:11:11,845 [ Grunting ] 331 00:11:11,888 --> 00:11:13,803 [ Balloons squeaking ] 332 00:11:18,242 --> 00:11:20,592 Mm! Mm! 333 00:11:21,855 --> 00:11:23,726 Hey. Ash. I think you left your program. 334 00:11:23,770 --> 00:11:25,641 Oh. Thank you.[ Laughs ] 335 00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:26,773 Wow, it's wild to think 336 00:11:26,816 --> 00:11:28,600 where all these kids are gonna end up, right? 337 00:11:28,644 --> 00:11:30,777 I mean, there's so many great schools. 338 00:11:30,820 --> 00:11:32,213 In fact, our -- 339 00:11:32,256 --> 00:11:33,214 Oh. 340 00:11:33,257 --> 00:11:35,651 Is something wrong? 341 00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:36,957 [ Voice breaking ] Our daughter joined ISIS. 342 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:38,654 Oh, God! [ Sobs ] 343 00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:41,570 The government said she's not an American anymore. 344 00:11:41,613 --> 00:11:43,790 There's a van always parked in front of our house.[ Sobbing ] 345 00:11:43,833 --> 00:11:44,965 Oh, God. I'm so sorry -- 346 00:11:45,008 --> 00:11:47,141 [ High-pitched ]Did Claire tell youour daughter's a genius? 347 00:11:48,359 --> 00:11:50,666 ...and so, graduates, look to your left 348 00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:52,973 and to your right. 349 00:11:53,016 --> 00:11:55,758 It's a simple key chain with a tiny cowboy hat charm on it. 350 00:11:55,802 --> 00:11:57,455 If you see it, please pass it forward. 351 00:11:57,499 --> 00:11:59,806 All right, and now on to our commencement speaker. 352 00:11:59,849 --> 00:12:01,546 He is a pillar of the community, 353 00:12:01,590 --> 00:12:05,159 an entrepreneur and closeteer --Mr. Jay Pritchett. 354 00:12:05,202 --> 00:12:07,422 [ Applause ] 355 00:12:07,465 --> 00:12:08,466 [ Clears throat ] 356 00:12:08,510 --> 00:12:09,946 Commencement. 357 00:12:09,990 --> 00:12:11,861 "C" for "courage," 358 00:12:11,905 --> 00:12:13,863 "O" for "opportunity," 359 00:12:13,907 --> 00:12:15,038 the first "M" -- 360 00:12:15,082 --> 00:12:17,867 [ Students hooting ] 361 00:12:19,956 --> 00:12:21,479 Disaster had struck. 362 00:12:21,523 --> 00:12:22,785 But did I panic? 363 00:12:22,829 --> 00:12:24,004 No. 364 00:12:24,047 --> 00:12:26,441 No one chooses to be a wartime principal. 365 00:12:26,484 --> 00:12:28,835 But we're the ones history remembers. 366 00:12:28,878 --> 00:12:30,924 [ Hooting continues ]Pick one, they all said -- 367 00:12:30,967 --> 00:12:33,013 closets orblinds. 368 00:12:33,056 --> 00:12:34,231 [ Hooting continues ] 369 00:12:34,275 --> 00:12:35,929 Mitchell, he's tanking my graduation. 370 00:12:35,972 --> 00:12:37,974 I'm cutting him off and moving right to the in-memoriam section. 371 00:12:38,018 --> 00:12:39,846 Well, that wouldbe less depressing. 372 00:12:39,889 --> 00:12:42,457 Yeah, the problem is, the band just walked out in solidarity. 373 00:12:42,500 --> 00:12:44,067 Here. W-What? 374 00:12:44,111 --> 00:12:47,027 Mitchell, you can't have an in memoriam without music. 375 00:12:47,070 --> 00:12:48,724 That's just a bummer. 376 00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:50,030 Take it! Oh. 377 00:12:50,073 --> 00:12:53,729 Hoot all you want, but that Brylcreem kid was me! 378 00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:54,730 Yes, hi, thank you. 379 00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:55,818 Thank you, Jay Pritchett,everyone! 380 00:12:55,862 --> 00:12:57,602 Wow, I don't know about you,but I feel like 381 00:12:57,646 --> 00:12:59,300 getting out thereand taking on the world, huh? 382 00:12:59,343 --> 00:13:01,302 That's a -- [Inhales deeply]And now, let's remember 383 00:13:01,345 --> 00:13:04,261 those Dolphins we lost this year. 384 00:13:04,305 --> 00:13:06,220 Mitchell, play something.Play anything. 385 00:13:06,263 --> 00:13:07,961 Something with the most gravitas. 386 00:13:08,004 --> 00:13:09,527 [ Hooting continues in distance ] 387 00:13:09,571 --> 00:13:13,923 You know, for a person who lasttouched a trumpet two years ago, 388 00:13:13,967 --> 00:13:15,490 I think I sounded pretty good. 389 00:13:15,533 --> 00:13:17,840 [ Off-key notes playing ] 390 00:13:17,884 --> 00:13:25,892 ♪♪ 391 00:13:25,935 --> 00:13:28,068 I'm done. I'm done. 392 00:13:28,111 --> 00:13:28,982 All right! Wow! 393 00:13:29,025 --> 00:13:31,680 That is a lot of deceased for one year. 394 00:13:31,723 --> 00:13:33,856 We should probably have the police check into that. 395 00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:36,032 And now, before, uh, passing out diplomas, 396 00:13:36,076 --> 00:13:38,121 I would like to make sort of a -- 397 00:13:38,165 --> 00:13:41,255 a personal gesture to this graduating class. 398 00:13:41,298 --> 00:13:44,562 As these balloons fill the sky, know that each one of them 399 00:13:44,606 --> 00:13:48,653 represents a student who has personally inspired me 400 00:13:48,697 --> 00:13:52,875 and filled me with hope for a better tomorrow. 401 00:13:52,919 --> 00:13:54,616 [ Click ] 402 00:13:58,359 --> 00:13:59,316 What? 403 00:14:01,275 --> 00:14:03,538 [ Light applause ]Psst! Acting Principal! 404 00:14:03,581 --> 00:14:06,149 Protesters hacked intoour sprinkler system. 405 00:14:06,193 --> 00:14:07,281 It's set to go off in five minutes. 406 00:14:07,324 --> 00:14:08,717 We have to postpone the graduation. 407 00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:10,110 And miss my chance of becoming principal? 408 00:14:10,153 --> 00:14:11,024 Not a chance! 409 00:14:11,067 --> 00:14:12,895 Well, no one can read400 names in five minutes. 410 00:14:12,939 --> 00:14:14,549 Oh, really? 411 00:14:14,592 --> 00:14:16,725 All that training, all those parties missed, 412 00:14:16,768 --> 00:14:18,031 all those auctions attended 413 00:14:18,074 --> 00:14:19,946 were for this moment right here, right now. 414 00:14:19,989 --> 00:14:21,948 Students, hi! When you hear your name, 415 00:14:21,991 --> 00:14:25,168 please proceed to the stage and grab your diploma. 416 00:14:25,212 --> 00:14:27,518 Nelly Abrishami, Allison Acosta,Frieda Alafary, 417 00:14:27,562 --> 00:14:29,477 Scott "The Skunk" Albanese, Jessica Alenick, 418 00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:32,175 Richard Thompson Allen, Lavaria Aminu, Larry Annecone, 419 00:14:32,219 --> 00:14:34,090 Darla Arleto, Daniel Dey Aronson... 420 00:14:34,134 --> 00:14:35,787 I was gonna make it! 421 00:14:35,831 --> 00:14:36,919 And then... 422 00:14:36,963 --> 00:14:38,965 I hit the Polish names. 423 00:14:39,008 --> 00:14:42,272 Czeslaw Wlodaryzack-ck-kowsky. 424 00:14:42,316 --> 00:14:45,623 Wladyslaw Wlod... 425 00:14:45,667 --> 00:14:46,755 nisky? Yeah. 426 00:14:46,798 --> 00:14:48,104 [ Cheers and applause ]Uh -- Oh! 427 00:14:48,148 --> 00:14:49,410 [ Sprinkler hisses ]Myra Zarinsky -- 428 00:14:49,453 --> 00:14:51,412 [ Crowd screaming ] 429 00:14:56,330 --> 00:14:58,810 Okay, if we steer clear of Dad and Cam, we've got a chance 430 00:14:58,854 --> 00:15:00,116 of blending into the mob when they turn violent. 431 00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:01,726 Jay:What the hell is this? 432 00:15:01,770 --> 00:15:03,163 Okay, well, apparently, when those owls 433 00:15:03,206 --> 00:15:04,816 hacked into the sprinkler system, it was school-wide. 434 00:15:04,860 --> 00:15:07,210 They're not letting anyone into the parking structure. 435 00:15:07,254 --> 00:15:08,385 Oh, no! 436 00:15:08,429 --> 00:15:09,952 I hope this doesn't mean we're gonna have to miss 437 00:15:09,996 --> 00:15:12,389 the secondgraduation of the day. 438 00:15:14,261 --> 00:15:16,089 Dylan: How lucky is that? 439 00:15:16,132 --> 00:15:18,830 Me cruising by with an Uber fareright when you called. 440 00:15:18,874 --> 00:15:21,311 So lucky.Very lucky.Very good. 441 00:15:21,355 --> 00:15:23,009 Well, this is you, Gerald. 442 00:15:25,663 --> 00:15:27,056 Let's have today be the day 443 00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:28,188 you stop playing for your dad 444 00:15:28,231 --> 00:15:30,233 and start playing for Gerald. 445 00:15:30,277 --> 00:15:31,756 That -- That kind of reminds me -- 446 00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,628 I'm sorry I lied about the trumpet lessons. 447 00:15:33,671 --> 00:15:35,064 Oh, please. Not the worst part of my day. 448 00:15:35,108 --> 00:15:37,849 I'm realizing now that Principal Brown set me up to fail. 449 00:15:37,893 --> 00:15:38,981 There wasno car crash, 450 00:15:39,025 --> 00:15:40,026 just like there was no moon landing. 451 00:15:40,069 --> 00:15:42,028 Cam --Flags can't wave in space, Mitchell. 452 00:15:42,071 --> 00:15:44,769 Hey, hey, hey, Iwas humiliated much worse than you. 453 00:15:44,813 --> 00:15:45,901 It was so unfair. 454 00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:47,685 A lifetime of service out the window. 455 00:15:47,729 --> 00:15:49,687 You think I don't see the faces of owls 456 00:15:49,731 --> 00:15:52,603 every night I close my eyes? 457 00:15:52,647 --> 00:15:55,128 At least you've accomplishedsomething they can tear down. 458 00:15:55,171 --> 00:15:55,998 I'm a fraud! 459 00:15:56,042 --> 00:15:57,652 You see what you did to your brother? 460 00:15:57,695 --> 00:16:00,176 Look at those sad, hurt eyes. 461 00:16:00,220 --> 00:16:01,656 Like a sad little owl. 462 00:16:01,699 --> 00:16:02,831 Well, maybe ifyou believed in your sons 463 00:16:02,874 --> 00:16:05,225 instead of giving everyoneColombian handshakes. 464 00:16:05,268 --> 00:16:06,052 What?! 465 00:16:06,095 --> 00:16:08,141 I've never sanded down a man's fingers 466 00:16:08,184 --> 00:16:09,664 in front of his family! 467 00:16:10,839 --> 00:16:13,146 Oh, you mean the bribes? 468 00:16:13,189 --> 00:16:14,016 You can't deny it anymore. 469 00:16:14,060 --> 00:16:16,018 Look at this photoon my dean's Instagram. 470 00:16:16,062 --> 00:16:17,802 He's wearing the same watchyou gave Sensei Ron. 471 00:16:17,846 --> 00:16:19,369 The superintendent was wearing that same watch. 472 00:16:19,413 --> 00:16:21,371 I-I noticed it when he shook my hand at the end of the ceremony 473 00:16:21,415 --> 00:16:23,199 and said I was a "horrifying disgrace." 474 00:16:23,243 --> 00:16:25,027 You bribed him?! 475 00:16:25,071 --> 00:16:27,029 Is thathow I got my speech? 476 00:16:27,073 --> 00:16:28,378 Okay, enough! 477 00:16:28,422 --> 00:16:31,294 I'm sure you would have gotten all these things on your own, 478 00:16:31,338 --> 00:16:35,255 but the world sometimes is very unfair! 479 00:16:35,298 --> 00:16:37,518 And the watches are like an insurance. 480 00:16:37,561 --> 00:16:39,302 Why do you even have so many? 481 00:16:39,346 --> 00:16:41,696 Sometimes I do a little bit of Ambien shopping 482 00:16:41,739 --> 00:16:44,177 and I buy too much of one thing. 483 00:16:44,220 --> 00:16:45,178 Didn't you all wonder 484 00:16:45,221 --> 00:16:48,050 when you got the same fun socks for Christmas? 485 00:16:48,094 --> 00:16:49,312 -Oh, samesies. -I'll be damned! 486 00:16:49,356 --> 00:16:50,400 -I don't have those. -They're fun! 487 00:16:50,444 --> 00:16:51,836 I'm sorry, okay? 488 00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:53,534 But I love you guys so much 489 00:16:53,577 --> 00:16:55,840 to leave your dreams to chance. 490 00:16:55,884 --> 00:16:57,842 I suppose where you grew up, 491 00:16:57,886 --> 00:16:59,453 bending the rules was just a part of life. 492 00:16:59,496 --> 00:17:01,716 It's what you had to do to get by. 493 00:17:01,759 --> 00:17:04,327 Why wouldn'tyou do that to help the people you love? 494 00:17:04,371 --> 00:17:05,676 Thank you, Manny. 495 00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:07,200 You're not welcome. That's not how I feel. 496 00:17:07,243 --> 00:17:08,288 I-It's a speech from a play I was in. 497 00:17:08,331 --> 00:17:09,637 Right after that line, 498 00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:11,334 I light up a cigarette and put my clothes back on. 499 00:17:11,378 --> 00:17:13,336 [ Gasps ]Yeah, I'm good, but... 500 00:17:13,380 --> 00:17:15,208 now I'll never knowif that's why I made the cut. 501 00:17:15,251 --> 00:17:16,252 Okay, stop. Look. 502 00:17:16,296 --> 00:17:17,558 We've all had a terrible day today -- 503 00:17:17,601 --> 00:17:18,689 Dylan: Not me. 504 00:17:18,733 --> 00:17:20,909 Tons of great fares, amazing yoga class -- 505 00:17:20,952 --> 00:17:23,346 I-I was building to something, buddy. 506 00:17:23,390 --> 00:17:25,174 But that's one of the great things about being in a family. 507 00:17:25,218 --> 00:17:26,697 We get to share in each other's victories. 508 00:17:26,741 --> 00:17:28,351 And Alex has a huge victory today 509 00:17:28,395 --> 00:17:29,744 that can make us all feel better. 510 00:17:29,787 --> 00:17:31,006 So let's... 511 00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:33,226 turn around this crap day with a nice, feel-good -- 512 00:17:33,269 --> 00:17:34,705 Hey, is that Alex? 513 00:17:34,749 --> 00:17:37,143 Oh, my God. Pull over! 514 00:17:37,186 --> 00:17:38,753 [ Tires screech ]Back up! 515 00:17:41,190 --> 00:17:43,714 Alex! Honey, what happened?Are you okay? 516 00:17:43,758 --> 00:17:45,238 What day is it? [ Chuckles ] 517 00:17:45,281 --> 00:17:49,242 Not that time is anything but a flat circle. 518 00:17:49,285 --> 00:17:52,114 So...we were done with classes, done with finals, 519 00:17:52,158 --> 00:17:54,986 and, like college seniors since the beginning of time, 520 00:17:55,030 --> 00:17:57,163 we decided to get a little nuts. 521 00:17:57,206 --> 00:17:59,208 Together: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! 522 00:17:59,252 --> 00:18:00,905 Alex: Our classmate Ashish Chug... 523 00:18:00,949 --> 00:18:02,037 I did it![ Cheering ] 524 00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:04,257 ...hacked his key card to get us access 525 00:18:04,300 --> 00:18:06,476 to the restricted section of the library. 526 00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:08,913 We decided to read Alister's Last Theorem. 527 00:18:08,957 --> 00:18:13,396 Gottlob Alister wrote a proof showing that zero equals 1. 528 00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:14,963 This rendered mathematics meaningless 529 00:18:15,006 --> 00:18:16,312 and drove him insane. 530 00:18:16,356 --> 00:18:19,359 According to legend, the same fate befalls anyone 531 00:18:19,402 --> 00:18:21,274 who reads and understands the proof. 532 00:18:21,317 --> 00:18:23,058 Good God. 533 00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:25,321 [ Gasping ] 534 00:18:29,456 --> 00:18:31,197 If mathematics doesn't matter, 535 00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:32,807 then no one can be certain of anything, 536 00:18:32,850 --> 00:18:34,156 and I've just wasted the last four -- 537 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,202 no, 16 years of my life, 538 00:18:36,245 --> 00:18:38,421 and there's no point in me graduating! 539 00:18:38,465 --> 00:18:40,293 Okay, I can tellthat you're very upset, 540 00:18:40,336 --> 00:18:42,295 and you're probablyreally overtired from finals. 541 00:18:42,338 --> 00:18:45,211 But you are gonna regret itif you don't go to graduation. 542 00:18:45,254 --> 00:18:47,343 Look, I promise --whatever is bothering you, 543 00:18:47,387 --> 00:18:49,040 figure it outafter the ceremony -- 544 00:18:49,084 --> 00:18:50,216 After?! Yes. 545 00:18:50,259 --> 00:18:51,652 "After" implies "before"! 546 00:18:51,695 --> 00:18:53,958 But if one minute agois the same as zero minutes ago, 547 00:18:54,002 --> 00:18:55,830 then before is now and now is after! 548 00:18:55,873 --> 00:18:58,093 Usually when I hear people talking like this, 549 00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,616 we're walking through a Taco Bell drive-through. 550 00:18:59,660 --> 00:19:02,228 Sweetie, half your life is having your mind blown. 551 00:19:02,271 --> 00:19:04,795 I remember when I heard there were more stars in the galaxy 552 00:19:04,839 --> 00:19:07,189 than grains of rice in a box of Uncle Ben's. 553 00:19:07,233 --> 00:19:08,625 No, there are more galaxies 554 00:19:08,669 --> 00:19:10,758 than grains of sand on all the world's beaches. 555 00:19:10,801 --> 00:19:12,281 [ Hyperventilating ] 556 00:19:12,325 --> 00:19:14,240 Okay,I can't lose 'em both! 557 00:19:14,283 --> 00:19:15,676 I got this! Alex...Somebody? 558 00:19:15,719 --> 00:19:18,287 "I never knew true strength until --" 559 00:19:18,331 --> 00:19:19,419 "I met a man with no feet." 560 00:19:19,462 --> 00:19:21,856 Wait. No.These cards are not in order. 561 00:19:21,899 --> 00:19:23,205 Wait. Nobody help her right now -- 562 00:19:23,249 --> 00:19:26,339 Alex, you're a smart, confident girl. 563 00:19:26,382 --> 00:19:28,645 I know that you're gonna makethe right decision. 564 00:19:28,689 --> 00:19:31,561 Did you just put this watch on me? 565 00:19:31,605 --> 00:19:33,433 I have a problem. 566 00:19:33,476 --> 00:19:35,478 I say if Alex doesn't want to go to her graduation, 567 00:19:35,522 --> 00:19:36,566 that's herdecision. 568 00:19:36,610 --> 00:19:37,654 Thank you, Luke. 569 00:19:37,698 --> 00:19:39,003 As long as you know 570 00:19:39,047 --> 00:19:41,441 that whatever's going on here isn't about math. 571 00:19:41,484 --> 00:19:44,226 Yeah, I think maybe you're afraid to leave school. 572 00:19:44,270 --> 00:19:45,880 What?Your whole life, 573 00:19:45,923 --> 00:19:48,796 you've always known exactly what you're supposed to do -- 574 00:19:48,839 --> 00:19:51,320 study, get good grades, repeat. 575 00:19:51,364 --> 00:19:53,496 Now that's over, and it's scary. 576 00:19:53,540 --> 00:19:56,238 Kind of like if zero equalled 1. 577 00:19:56,282 --> 00:19:58,458 But lucky for you, your dummy brother and sister 578 00:19:58,501 --> 00:20:00,155 have spent time in the real world. 579 00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:03,114 And if wecan handle it, you're gonna do just fine. 580 00:20:04,333 --> 00:20:05,508 You think? 581 00:20:05,552 --> 00:20:06,248 Trust us. 582 00:20:07,554 --> 00:20:09,469 Come on. Let's go get you graduated. 583 00:20:09,512 --> 00:20:10,513 [ Laughs ] 584 00:20:10,557 --> 00:20:11,601 Oh, hold on. That door gets jammed. 585 00:20:11,645 --> 00:20:13,124 I have to open it from the inside.Okay. 586 00:20:13,168 --> 00:20:14,125 I got it! 587 00:20:14,169 --> 00:20:15,170 Hyah! 588 00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,085 Ohhh!Ohhh!Ohhh! Ohhh! 589 00:20:17,128 --> 00:20:18,652 Legend Danner. 590 00:20:18,695 --> 00:20:20,088 [ Applause ] 591 00:20:20,131 --> 00:20:22,525 I still can't get over that commencement speech. 592 00:20:22,569 --> 00:20:23,874 Not a single laugh. 593 00:20:23,918 --> 00:20:26,268 I'll tell you oneelementhe didn't discover -- hilarium. 594 00:20:26,312 --> 00:20:27,269 Oh! Oh, oh! 595 00:20:27,313 --> 00:20:29,315 Alex Dunphy.[ Cheers and applause ] 596 00:20:29,358 --> 00:20:30,881 Congratulations. 597 00:20:30,925 --> 00:20:32,361 Phil: Hey! [ Laughs ] 598 00:20:33,449 --> 00:20:35,886 We don't want to brag, but, uh... 599 00:20:35,930 --> 00:20:37,975 Our kids did that. 600 00:20:38,019 --> 00:20:39,063 [ Chuckles ] 601 00:20:39,107 --> 00:20:40,326 Yeah. 602 00:20:40,369 --> 00:20:42,023 [ Chuckles ] 603 00:20:45,896 --> 00:20:48,377 [ Gasps ] Ay, no! No more watches! 604 00:20:48,421 --> 00:20:50,336 When did I order these ones?! 605 00:20:50,379 --> 00:20:51,293 Manny:Hey, Mom, guess what! 606 00:20:51,337 --> 00:20:53,991 [ Clattering ] 607 00:20:54,035 --> 00:20:55,297 What, Papi? 608 00:20:55,341 --> 00:20:57,299 My friend Carlygot cut from my program, 609 00:20:57,343 --> 00:20:59,954 and her dads fundedour new costume department. 610 00:20:59,997 --> 00:21:01,347 I guess bribes don'twork. 611 00:21:01,390 --> 00:21:02,913 I got through on my own merit. 612 00:21:02,957 --> 00:21:04,350 Yay!That calls for a reward. 613 00:21:04,393 --> 00:21:05,699 [ Gasps ][ Jar clanks ] 614 00:21:05,742 --> 00:21:07,527 What is this? 615 00:21:07,570 --> 00:21:10,399 Ay, Manny, please don't tell Jay. 616 00:21:10,443 --> 00:21:11,879 Oatmeal raisin? 617 00:21:11,922 --> 00:21:13,446 You know what -- a true artist 618 00:21:13,489 --> 00:21:15,796 doesn't close himself offto new experiences, 619 00:21:15,839 --> 00:21:18,102 even vile,ill-leavened cookies. 620 00:21:18,146 --> 00:21:19,582 That's the path I have chosen, 621 00:21:19,626 --> 00:21:21,932 to experienceand observe everything 622 00:21:21,976 --> 00:21:23,717 in this beautiful pageant we call life. 623 00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:26,154 [ Screams ]Aah!