1 00:00:04,178 --> 00:00:05,657 Hi. Hey. 2 00:00:05,701 --> 00:00:06,876 I don't feel so good. 3 00:00:06,919 --> 00:00:08,660 Aww, what's going on? 4 00:00:08,704 --> 00:00:10,097 Let's see. 5 00:00:10,140 --> 00:00:11,402 Ooh. You are kinda warm. 6 00:00:11,446 --> 00:00:12,925 Maybe get rid ofsome of these blankets? 7 00:00:15,145 --> 00:00:17,104 Aw, that is cute. 8 00:00:17,147 --> 00:00:19,106 You tried to scare mefor Halloween. 9 00:00:19,149 --> 00:00:21,456 How in the world did that not frighten you? 10 00:00:21,499 --> 00:00:23,327 Some of this is my actual blood. 11 00:00:23,371 --> 00:00:25,329 I nicked myself putting it on! 12 00:00:25,373 --> 00:00:27,549 Sweetie, you don't knowthe first thing aboutscaring people. 13 00:00:27,592 --> 00:00:29,116 It's all about plausibility. 14 00:00:29,159 --> 00:00:30,291 And you were awfully casual 15 00:00:30,334 --> 00:00:32,467 for a guy who just got an axin the chest. 16 00:00:32,510 --> 00:00:34,077 You know, if you reallywanted to scare me, 17 00:00:34,121 --> 00:00:35,861 you should've waiteduntil I opened the closet 18 00:00:35,905 --> 00:00:37,733 and found you hangingby a necktie. 19 00:00:37,776 --> 00:00:39,213 Excuse me! 20 00:00:39,256 --> 00:00:41,215 I killed myself?! 21 00:00:41,258 --> 00:00:42,651 Yeah. Totally plausible. 22 00:00:42,694 --> 00:00:44,479 I mean, you've been so happyall these years, 23 00:00:44,522 --> 00:00:46,220 the other shoeis bound to drop, right? 24 00:00:46,263 --> 00:00:47,699 By the way, 25 00:00:47,743 --> 00:00:50,093 I am not marriedto the whole necktie thing. 26 00:00:50,137 --> 00:00:51,268 It could be, um... 27 00:00:51,312 --> 00:00:53,096 shotgun or poison 28 00:00:53,140 --> 00:00:54,706 or a power drill to the eye -- 29 00:00:54,750 --> 00:00:56,143 Stop. Stop! 30 00:00:56,186 --> 00:00:57,709 Now you're scaring me. 31 00:00:57,753 --> 00:01:00,016 That's how you do it. 32 00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:01,104 Bam! 33 00:01:01,148 --> 00:01:04,542 --Captions by VITAC-- 34 00:01:04,586 --> 00:01:07,545 Captioning Provided by 20th Century Fox Television and ABC, Inc. 35 00:01:07,589 --> 00:01:10,331 and brought to you by Ford. Going further, so you can. 36 00:01:15,249 --> 00:01:17,164 Hey, happy Halloween! 37 00:01:17,207 --> 00:01:18,382 It was untilyour mother ruined it. 38 00:01:18,426 --> 00:01:19,601 Oh, he's just mad 39 00:01:19,644 --> 00:01:21,168 because he tried to scare me and he couldn't. 40 00:01:21,211 --> 00:01:22,473 I'm tough to scare. 41 00:01:22,517 --> 00:01:23,822 My girlfriend's pregnant. 42 00:01:23,866 --> 00:01:25,128 No! Phil. 43 00:01:25,172 --> 00:01:27,043 She's our age. If she was pregnant, it'd be on the news. 44 00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:28,044 But good one. 45 00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:29,263 Alex: Dad, I'm sorry. 46 00:01:29,306 --> 00:01:31,265 I don't have time to drop this off for you again. 47 00:01:31,308 --> 00:01:33,180 Ida Mae Mann? 48 00:01:33,223 --> 00:01:34,268 Aww! 49 00:01:34,311 --> 00:01:35,530 Isn't that that lonely little lady 50 00:01:35,573 --> 00:01:37,184 that sits up in her window? 51 00:01:37,227 --> 00:01:38,359 He always makes medeliver 52 00:01:38,402 --> 00:01:39,316 his neighborhood association stuff 53 00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:40,926 because he's afraid of her. 54 00:01:40,970 --> 00:01:42,189 That's crazy! 55 00:01:42,232 --> 00:01:43,929 I go by that house all the time. 56 00:01:46,671 --> 00:01:47,846 Not hot, Phil. 57 00:01:49,544 --> 00:01:51,502 Fine! She's creepy! 58 00:01:51,546 --> 00:01:53,591 She sits in that windowlike a store cat. 59 00:01:53,635 --> 00:01:55,027 Okay. 60 00:01:55,071 --> 00:01:56,594 I'll drop it off on the way to dinner with Bill. 61 00:01:56,638 --> 00:01:58,422 He's taking me to Buon Cibo's at 6:00. 62 00:01:58,466 --> 00:02:01,382 Whoa. I'mgoing to Buon Cibo's at 6:00 with Janice. 63 00:02:01,425 --> 00:02:02,513 Ew! I don't want to watch you 64 00:02:02,557 --> 00:02:04,428 run your discountbody-spray game on her. 65 00:02:04,472 --> 00:02:05,429 Change your reservationto later. 66 00:02:05,473 --> 00:02:06,561 I can't. 67 00:02:06,604 --> 00:02:07,997 She has to eat four hours before bed 68 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:09,303 because of the reflux. 69 00:02:09,346 --> 00:02:11,087 Youchange. No! 70 00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:13,045 We're going out after to see "Texas Chainsaw Massacre," 71 00:02:13,089 --> 00:02:14,786 which I can't believe I agreed to. 72 00:02:14,830 --> 00:02:17,354 Ooh, that sounds like fun.I've never seen that movie. 73 00:02:17,398 --> 00:02:19,400 Can you believe that?Me, of all people. 74 00:02:19,443 --> 00:02:20,531 Uh, then we're going. 75 00:02:20,575 --> 00:02:22,751 You think you can't be scared anymore? 76 00:02:22,794 --> 00:02:24,970 That's the most terrifying movieI've ever seen. 77 00:02:25,014 --> 00:02:26,276 Great, bring it. 78 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:28,278 I look forward to being scared. 79 00:02:28,322 --> 00:02:29,801 I'm pregnant? 80 00:02:29,845 --> 00:02:31,020 Phil! 81 00:02:35,372 --> 00:02:36,808 Oh! Did you get the costumes? 82 00:02:36,852 --> 00:02:38,680 Yeah, I -- I didn't have a lot of time, 83 00:02:38,723 --> 00:02:40,464 so I had to steal something from work. 84 00:02:40,508 --> 00:02:41,857 Please don't... 85 00:02:41,900 --> 00:02:43,424 judge. 86 00:02:43,467 --> 00:02:45,121 Okay,that's not a bad start. 87 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:47,993 I think I canwork with this, yes. 88 00:02:48,037 --> 00:02:49,821 Lily, my pins! 89 00:02:49,865 --> 00:02:51,867 We are so excited for Halloween. 90 00:02:51,910 --> 00:02:53,434 You know, for the first time in years, 91 00:02:53,477 --> 00:02:54,391 we're gonna get a little cray 92 00:02:54,435 --> 00:02:56,698 and go to the big gay Halloween carnival, 93 00:02:56,741 --> 00:02:59,048 like we used to when we were young and childless -- 94 00:02:59,091 --> 00:03:00,571 And people still said "cray." 95 00:03:00,615 --> 00:03:03,879 We -- We've always had Lilywith us in the past, 96 00:03:03,922 --> 00:03:06,273 but we are on a crusadeto make her more independent, 97 00:03:06,316 --> 00:03:09,406 so when she got an inviteto a party, we sort of, uh -- 98 00:03:09,450 --> 00:03:11,060 RSVP'd for her. Yeah. 99 00:03:11,103 --> 00:03:13,105 But you know what? It's gonna be good for her 100 00:03:13,149 --> 00:03:14,455 to socialize with people her age, 101 00:03:14,498 --> 00:03:16,370 and good for us to socialize with people 102 00:03:16,413 --> 00:03:17,501 Half our age.half our age. 103 00:03:17,545 --> 00:03:18,633 Okay. 104 00:03:18,676 --> 00:03:20,461 Mitchell... 105 00:03:20,504 --> 00:03:21,592 Judge... 106 00:03:21,636 --> 00:03:22,593 Judy. 107 00:03:22,637 --> 00:03:23,812 Your talent... 108 00:03:23,855 --> 00:03:25,640 It's like you were touched by a gay-ngel. 109 00:03:25,683 --> 00:03:27,294 And you said we would never wear 110 00:03:27,337 --> 00:03:29,296 the groomsmen shoesfrom Pepper's wedding again. 111 00:03:31,472 --> 00:03:34,039 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Just a second, young lady. 112 00:03:34,083 --> 00:03:35,954 W-We're very happy you're going to this party tonight, 113 00:03:35,998 --> 00:03:38,696 but, uh, isn't this costume a little, uh, suggestive? 114 00:03:38,740 --> 00:03:41,090 This is my actual cheerleading outfit. 115 00:03:41,133 --> 00:03:43,048 You guys know I'm doing that, right? 116 00:03:43,092 --> 00:03:44,528 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.Yeah. Totally. 117 00:03:44,572 --> 00:03:46,269 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Totally. 118 00:03:46,313 --> 00:03:47,314 We should have known that, right? 119 00:03:50,012 --> 00:03:51,187 Jay: Oh, Joe, you're home early? 120 00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:52,536 I got a surprise for -- 121 00:03:52,580 --> 00:03:54,364 Oh. Manny. 122 00:03:54,408 --> 00:03:55,974 Look, I know you breastfeduntil you could stand, 123 00:03:56,018 --> 00:03:57,715 but aren't you a little oldto be trick-or-treating? 124 00:03:57,759 --> 00:03:59,108 This isn't for Halloween. 125 00:03:59,151 --> 00:04:01,328 I'm in final rehearsals for my one-man show 126 00:04:01,371 --> 00:04:04,113 "Sigmund Freud: Here Ego Again." 127 00:04:04,156 --> 00:04:05,549 I've saved you four seats, but if you need more -- 128 00:04:05,593 --> 00:04:06,898 No, four's good. 129 00:04:06,942 --> 00:04:08,204 So, what's the surprise? 130 00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:09,423 Well,it's kind of a Joe thing. 131 00:04:09,466 --> 00:04:11,555 You know, he's outtrick-or-treatingwith his friends. 132 00:04:11,599 --> 00:04:13,427 I-I'll wait till he comes home to show it to him. 133 00:04:13,470 --> 00:04:15,951 Hmm, playing favorites with your sons, 134 00:04:15,994 --> 00:04:17,648 perhaps unconsciously repeating the cycle 135 00:04:17,692 --> 00:04:18,954 your own father perpetuated on -- 136 00:04:18,997 --> 00:04:20,695 You know, oneticket'sgonna be good enough. 137 00:04:20,738 --> 00:04:23,915 Is it cold in here, or is it just me 138 00:04:23,959 --> 00:04:26,527 because I am the frozen lady from "Frozen"? 139 00:04:26,570 --> 00:04:28,746 Why aren't you wearing your costume? 140 00:04:28,790 --> 00:04:30,792 Let it go, Gloria. Let it go. 141 00:04:30,835 --> 00:04:33,229 But you said that sinceJoe was out with Devon's family 142 00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:35,579 that we were going to dosomething fun together. 143 00:04:35,623 --> 00:04:37,364 Yes, fun. Have a Scotch, 144 00:04:37,407 --> 00:04:40,541 put that mutant spider costume on Stella -- 145 00:04:40,584 --> 00:04:43,239 Fine, I'll go meetMitch and Cam by myself. 146 00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:44,458 But you're gonna miss Joe's reaction 147 00:04:44,501 --> 00:04:46,024 when I give him my big surprise! 148 00:04:46,068 --> 00:04:47,548 It's just a candy bar! 149 00:04:48,810 --> 00:04:51,508 18 months ago, in an underreported news event, 150 00:04:51,552 --> 00:04:53,815 NagaSnacki Food Solutions 151 00:04:53,858 --> 00:04:57,035 discontinued the greatest candy bar of all time. 152 00:04:57,079 --> 00:04:58,341 The Fudgy Duddy. 153 00:04:58,385 --> 00:05:00,604 After an exhaustive search -- 154 00:05:00,648 --> 00:05:02,040 One Googling. 155 00:05:02,084 --> 00:05:04,913 ...I tracked down this beauty. 156 00:05:04,956 --> 00:05:08,743 Now my son can experiencethe kind of quality confection 157 00:05:08,786 --> 00:05:10,397 our generation grew up with. 158 00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:11,572 "Our"? 159 00:05:11,615 --> 00:05:14,705 I am a Gen X. Don't make me a Boomer. 160 00:05:14,749 --> 00:05:17,926 Something horrible happened to me last weekend. 161 00:05:17,969 --> 00:05:20,363 I'll just have the... 162 00:05:20,407 --> 00:05:21,582 seafood salad. 163 00:05:21,625 --> 00:05:22,931 Very good. And for your husband? 164 00:05:23,975 --> 00:05:25,586 Oh, no, no. He's my husband. 165 00:05:25,629 --> 00:05:27,936 That's what he said. 166 00:05:27,979 --> 00:05:30,242 Gloria: The day I have dreaded finally came -- 167 00:05:30,286 --> 00:05:33,855 people assume that I am Jay's... 168 00:05:33,898 --> 00:05:35,422 wife. 169 00:05:35,465 --> 00:05:36,858 You kids have fun! 170 00:05:36,901 --> 00:05:38,642 Manny. What are you doing? 171 00:05:38,686 --> 00:05:40,252 Saving your house from being egged. 172 00:05:40,296 --> 00:05:41,428 You're all out of treats. 173 00:05:41,471 --> 00:05:42,864 Luckily I found a candy bar to give away. 174 00:05:42,907 --> 00:05:44,169 Oh, no. 175 00:05:44,213 --> 00:05:45,388 My Fudgy Duddy's gone! 176 00:05:45,432 --> 00:05:46,433 Nobody move! 177 00:05:49,087 --> 00:05:52,395 Hello there. Uh, two for "Texas Chainsaw Massacre." 178 00:05:52,439 --> 00:05:54,266 Sorry, that sold outweeks ago. 179 00:05:54,310 --> 00:05:57,487 Which should've been updatedon our website, Bernard! 180 00:05:58,662 --> 00:06:00,447 But we still have seats 181 00:06:00,490 --> 00:06:02,536 for that super scaryJapanese film. 182 00:06:02,579 --> 00:06:03,754 Yes!Uh, pause. 183 00:06:03,798 --> 00:06:05,887 How scary? How Japanese? 184 00:06:05,930 --> 00:06:08,411 I thinkthe literal translation is 185 00:06:08,455 --> 00:06:10,805 "Make Deadwith Old-Face Baby." 186 00:06:10,848 --> 00:06:12,459 Two, please.No, um... 187 00:06:12,502 --> 00:06:14,199 Come on, honey, you promised me a good scare. 188 00:06:14,243 --> 00:06:15,418 This'll be fun! 189 00:06:15,462 --> 00:06:16,767 Okay. Okay. 190 00:06:16,811 --> 00:06:18,508 No! 191 00:06:20,597 --> 00:06:21,903 How you doing? 192 00:06:21,946 --> 00:06:23,426 Great. I'm so scared. 193 00:06:23,470 --> 00:06:24,688 Aah. 194 00:06:24,732 --> 00:06:26,690 Don't patronize me. 195 00:06:26,734 --> 00:06:28,562 You don't think I can tell when you're faking it? 196 00:06:28,605 --> 00:06:31,129 "Oh, Phil, mmm. It's so good." 197 00:06:31,173 --> 00:06:32,740 I know you hated my gumbo. 198 00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:36,439 Phil: Uh, excuse me. 199 00:06:36,483 --> 00:06:39,224 Hey. Uh, I'm having a hard time in there. 200 00:06:39,268 --> 00:06:41,357 I -- I came to see a movie I'd already seen. 201 00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:43,664 Knew where all the jump scares were. 202 00:06:43,707 --> 00:06:46,493 Could you tell me where the big ones are for this one? 203 00:06:46,536 --> 00:06:47,407 Sorry, dude. Haven't seen it. 204 00:06:48,364 --> 00:06:49,147 Ihave. 205 00:06:49,191 --> 00:06:51,149 Ohhhh! God. 206 00:06:53,761 --> 00:06:55,066 It's okay. 207 00:06:55,110 --> 00:06:56,720 He's behind the door. 208 00:06:56,764 --> 00:06:58,505 He's behind the door. 209 00:06:58,548 --> 00:06:59,506 He's behind the -- 210 00:06:59,549 --> 00:07:00,594 Aah! 211 00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,076 Something is wrong with you! 212 00:07:06,382 --> 00:07:08,906 Wow.This place has changed. 213 00:07:08,950 --> 00:07:10,821 It used to be so much... 214 00:07:10,865 --> 00:07:12,127 gayer. 215 00:07:12,170 --> 00:07:14,303 Straight people always take our best stuff. 216 00:07:14,346 --> 00:07:16,479 First, they came for our brunches, and I said nothing. 217 00:07:16,523 --> 00:07:18,568 Oh, hey -- hey, Norm!Hey, Denise! 218 00:07:18,612 --> 00:07:20,396 Hey, girlfriends! 219 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,180 I...don't think we can say that. 220 00:07:22,224 --> 00:07:23,486 You can't. Yeah. 221 00:07:23,530 --> 00:07:25,706 Wait. I-I-Isn't Lily at a party at your house? 222 00:07:25,749 --> 00:07:27,621 Yeah.That you're chaperoning? 223 00:07:27,664 --> 00:07:29,536 That was the plan, but thena bunch of older kids showed up, 224 00:07:29,579 --> 00:07:31,581 so we figured they'd be fine. 225 00:07:31,625 --> 00:07:33,278 Bye, bitches! 226 00:07:33,322 --> 00:07:34,671 It's okay. I'm a girl. 227 00:07:34,715 --> 00:07:37,065 Okay, older kids, no adults. 228 00:07:37,108 --> 00:07:38,675 Okay, where are we on the panic scale? 229 00:07:38,719 --> 00:07:40,503 Um...Gloria: There you are. 230 00:07:40,547 --> 00:07:42,374 Thank you for saving me from a night 231 00:07:42,418 --> 00:07:45,769 of listening to Jay talk about his Fudgy Buddy. 232 00:07:45,813 --> 00:07:48,946 Sorry. We just found out Lily isat an unsupervised party. 233 00:07:48,990 --> 00:07:51,383 Oh, you want me to check her Insta? 234 00:07:51,427 --> 00:07:53,342 Lily -- Lily has Insta? 235 00:07:53,385 --> 00:07:54,604 Youhave Insta? 236 00:07:54,648 --> 00:07:56,780 What, you think I'm too old to have Insta? 237 00:07:56,824 --> 00:07:58,565 Okay, I-I want to hear all aboutwhat you're going through, 238 00:07:58,608 --> 00:07:59,783 right after we figure out -- 239 00:07:59,827 --> 00:08:02,133 I found her! Okay. 240 00:08:02,177 --> 00:08:03,526 And looks like she's having fun. Okay. 241 00:08:03,570 --> 00:08:05,136 Who is this cute boy next to her? 242 00:08:05,180 --> 00:08:06,573 Can you turn it ar-- 243 00:08:06,616 --> 00:08:08,966 Okay, that's Garth.I -- I've never trusted him. 244 00:08:09,010 --> 00:08:10,533 I saw him buying deodorant when he was 9. 245 00:08:10,577 --> 00:08:12,535 Is that a beer? 246 00:08:12,579 --> 00:08:14,102 Okay, I'm --Don't just stand there! 247 00:08:14,145 --> 00:08:15,756 I'm going to call her!Call her! 248 00:08:15,799 --> 00:08:17,192 Ay. 249 00:08:17,235 --> 00:08:19,716 I didn't think it was gonna be so cold tonight. 250 00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:21,457 I'm sorry if I seem off. 251 00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:23,415 It's just that lately, 252 00:08:23,459 --> 00:08:25,635 people have been mistaking me for a much older -- 253 00:08:27,071 --> 00:08:29,160 Excuse me, ma'am. Are you lost? 254 00:08:29,204 --> 00:08:30,335 I can't find my friends. 255 00:08:30,379 --> 00:08:32,555 Let me help you. 256 00:08:32,599 --> 00:08:33,774 Oh,what a nice young man. 257 00:08:39,431 --> 00:08:41,259 Get off me! 258 00:08:41,303 --> 00:08:43,610 Perhaps this candy barrepresents your lost innocence? 259 00:08:43,653 --> 00:08:45,568 It represents delicious chocolate. 260 00:08:45,612 --> 00:08:46,961 You're sure you gave this to a Spider-Man? 261 00:08:47,004 --> 00:08:48,005 I'm sure. 262 00:08:48,049 --> 00:08:49,833 You know,it's also hard to ignore 263 00:08:49,877 --> 00:08:51,792 that this object you seekhas a phallic shape -- 264 00:08:51,835 --> 00:08:53,489 Why did I talk you out of that mime major? 265 00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:54,751 Spidey -- 11:00. 266 00:08:54,795 --> 00:08:56,840 Spider-Man! Hold up! 267 00:08:56,884 --> 00:08:59,408 I'm not Spider-Man, okay? I'm Deadpool. 268 00:08:59,451 --> 00:09:01,410 It's a totally different character. 269 00:09:01,453 --> 00:09:02,498 Look, before I realized 270 00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:04,282 it was a symbolof this man's mortality, 271 00:09:04,326 --> 00:09:06,067 I accidentally gave you some candy bar -- 272 00:09:06,110 --> 00:09:08,243 Not "some" candy bar, a Fudgy Duddy. 273 00:09:08,286 --> 00:09:10,245 Look, you kids should know about this. 274 00:09:10,288 --> 00:09:12,508 There was a famous commercial back in the '70s, 275 00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,771 first time on TV a girl touched a baseball. 276 00:09:14,815 --> 00:09:16,860 It's got a red and blue wrapperwith a -- 277 00:09:16,904 --> 00:09:18,079 Oh, yeah, I remember. 278 00:09:18,122 --> 00:09:19,297 It looked gross, so I gave it to my mom. 279 00:09:19,341 --> 00:09:20,603 She just left to go to that festival 280 00:09:20,647 --> 00:09:21,604 in West Hollywood. 281 00:09:21,648 --> 00:09:22,997 Describe her. 282 00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:24,389 She's kind of shy, loves animals -- 283 00:09:24,433 --> 00:09:26,087 No, her costume. 284 00:09:26,130 --> 00:09:28,089 Oh. She's dressed as Martha Stewart. 285 00:09:28,132 --> 00:09:30,657 Ironic, since I had cereal for dinner. 286 00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:31,701 Come with me. I need you. 287 00:09:31,745 --> 00:09:32,484 For emotional support? 288 00:09:32,528 --> 00:09:33,660 Carpool lane! 289 00:09:36,227 --> 00:09:37,838 I hope this doesn't sound too mushy, but... 290 00:09:37,881 --> 00:09:40,188 I really love hooking up with you. 291 00:09:40,231 --> 00:09:42,799 Well, I hate to thinkI'm pulling you awayfrom some Halloween fun. 292 00:09:42,843 --> 00:09:45,846 You know, partying withyour more...youthful friends. 293 00:09:45,889 --> 00:09:47,412 Hush, silly Janice. 294 00:09:47,456 --> 00:09:49,632 If I was interested in youthful things, 295 00:09:49,676 --> 00:09:51,286 would I be here with you? 296 00:09:52,548 --> 00:09:55,290 Aww, babe. You have no idea how much I've missed you. 297 00:09:55,333 --> 00:09:57,422 I think I have someidea. 298 00:09:58,728 --> 00:10:01,078 Bill's been away fighting a forest fire for weeks. 299 00:10:01,122 --> 00:10:02,906 He called me once to say he missed me, 300 00:10:02,950 --> 00:10:05,430 so I sent him a pic of me in a cute outfit. 301 00:10:05,474 --> 00:10:08,433 I expected "wow" or a fire emoji. 302 00:10:08,477 --> 00:10:10,566 Instead I got... 303 00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,437 "Send more boobs"? 304 00:10:12,481 --> 00:10:14,744 I'm not mad, but I don't wantto make it a habit 305 00:10:14,788 --> 00:10:16,877 of sending...nudes. 306 00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:18,661 Wait. You actually sent boob pics? 307 00:10:18,705 --> 00:10:21,359 Yeah. How much smokedid you inhale? 308 00:10:21,403 --> 00:10:22,578 This isn't my number, Alex. 309 00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,319 It's the one you called from. 310 00:10:24,362 --> 00:10:25,755 Because myphone died. 311 00:10:25,799 --> 00:10:27,104 So I borrowed Creepy Craig's. 312 00:10:27,148 --> 00:10:28,671 Wait. 313 00:10:28,715 --> 00:10:30,891 You sent Creepy Craig a naked photo? 314 00:10:30,934 --> 00:10:32,806 Alex! 315 00:10:32,849 --> 00:10:35,286 Oh, my God! There's, like, 11?! 316 00:10:35,330 --> 00:10:36,810 Well, you -- 317 00:10:36,853 --> 00:10:38,899 hekept asking! 318 00:10:38,942 --> 00:10:40,901 You think I'm as pervy as Creepy Craig? 319 00:10:40,944 --> 00:10:42,380 I don't know Creepy Craig! 320 00:10:42,424 --> 00:10:44,382 Well, heknows you! 321 00:10:44,426 --> 00:10:47,037 You really think I would disrespect you like that? 322 00:10:47,081 --> 00:10:48,517 What else did "I" ask for? 323 00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:49,605 Oh, don't. 324 00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,955 Oh, my God. Are you outside? 325 00:10:51,999 --> 00:10:53,522 You know, I've always worried 326 00:10:53,565 --> 00:10:55,306 that maybe we were just too different, 327 00:10:55,350 --> 00:10:58,048 but the fact that you think I'm capable of writing 328 00:10:58,092 --> 00:11:01,573 "Do butt now -- Hit with magazine"? 329 00:11:01,617 --> 00:11:03,314 You know what? 330 00:11:03,358 --> 00:11:05,142 This isn't working, Alex. 331 00:11:05,186 --> 00:11:06,317 No, wait! 332 00:11:06,361 --> 00:11:08,580 Can you at leastask Craig to delete those? 333 00:11:08,624 --> 00:11:10,757 I think you know how to reach him! 334 00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:12,802 Trust me, I've had enough Halloween mischief 335 00:11:12,846 --> 00:11:14,325 for one lifetime. 336 00:11:14,369 --> 00:11:15,892 I'm ready for this now. 337 00:11:15,936 --> 00:11:17,372 You aresuch a mature person. 338 00:11:17,415 --> 00:11:20,070 I can't even imagine you as a wild child. 339 00:11:20,114 --> 00:11:21,202 Oh, yeah. 340 00:11:21,245 --> 00:11:22,899 Five years ago, we hit this one house. 341 00:11:22,943 --> 00:11:24,858 The family was always calling the cops on us 342 00:11:24,901 --> 00:11:25,859 for lighting off fireworks. 343 00:11:25,902 --> 00:11:26,860 Mm. Standard stuff -- 344 00:11:26,903 --> 00:11:28,775 TP, sugar in the gas tank -- 345 00:11:28,818 --> 00:11:30,385 but then I noticed they had 346 00:11:30,428 --> 00:11:32,517 like 20 of those stupid garden gnomes. 347 00:11:32,561 --> 00:11:34,737 Oh, my God.I know, so douchey. 348 00:11:34,781 --> 00:11:38,523 So we posed them having sex, rang the doorbell, 349 00:11:38,567 --> 00:11:40,656 and then when they opened the door, we blew them up. 350 00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:44,878 Are you not getting it? 351 00:11:44,921 --> 00:11:46,531 It's kind of subtle, so -- 352 00:11:46,575 --> 00:11:48,011 That was my house. 353 00:11:48,055 --> 00:11:50,144 But...you live in a condo. 354 00:11:50,187 --> 00:11:51,885 Now. 355 00:11:51,928 --> 00:11:54,148 Years ago,my husband's father died 356 00:11:54,191 --> 00:11:57,194 and left ushis antique gnome collection. 357 00:11:57,238 --> 00:11:59,544 Marty wantedto keep them in the house. 358 00:11:59,588 --> 00:12:01,546 They soothed him, he said. 359 00:12:01,590 --> 00:12:06,421 'Cause the constant fireworkswere always triggering his PTSD. 360 00:12:06,464 --> 00:12:10,817 So, I insisted he puthis sole inheritance outside, 361 00:12:10,860 --> 00:12:13,907 where you blew them up. 362 00:12:13,950 --> 00:12:15,691 Life's funny. 363 00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:16,823 Yeah. 364 00:12:16,866 --> 00:12:18,128 Yeah, the next day, 365 00:12:18,172 --> 00:12:20,870 I was supposed to meet himat couples therapy. 366 00:12:20,914 --> 00:12:22,654 But I didn't make it'cause my car died. 367 00:12:22,698 --> 00:12:23,917 Sugar in the tank. 368 00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:26,571 So I missed the appointment. 369 00:12:26,615 --> 00:12:28,356 He went for a coffee, 370 00:12:28,399 --> 00:12:30,793 fell in love with the barista, 371 00:12:30,837 --> 00:12:33,013 and nowI am living in a condo, 372 00:12:33,056 --> 00:12:34,841 dating a friggin' child! 373 00:12:34,884 --> 00:12:36,233 Janice. 374 00:12:36,277 --> 00:12:38,845 This may be a bad time to mention it, but... 375 00:12:38,888 --> 00:12:39,889 I don't have enough money for the valet. 376 00:12:48,028 --> 00:12:50,204 Lily is still not answering.Did you track her location? 377 00:12:50,247 --> 00:12:52,162 Uh, yeah. It says that she's at our house? 378 00:12:52,206 --> 00:12:54,077 Do you think she took that boy home? 379 00:12:54,121 --> 00:12:55,818 Of course she did! 380 00:12:55,862 --> 00:12:58,821 An empty house,all those Anita Baker records. 381 00:12:58,865 --> 00:12:59,953 It's the sexiest place in town. 382 00:12:59,996 --> 00:13:01,389 We have to get home! 383 00:13:01,432 --> 00:13:03,521 Okay, it's gonna take us an hourjust to get out of here. 384 00:13:03,565 --> 00:13:05,219 No, no, we can save ourselves20 minutes 385 00:13:05,262 --> 00:13:06,873 just by cutting through this maze. 386 00:13:06,916 --> 00:13:08,439 No! No. I-I hate those things. 387 00:13:08,483 --> 00:13:10,485 Mitchell, we basicallyforced our daughter 388 00:13:10,528 --> 00:13:12,487 into the arms of a hormonal teen. 389 00:13:12,530 --> 00:13:13,880 And let's be honest, 390 00:13:13,923 --> 00:13:15,882 was it because we wantedmore independence for her 391 00:13:15,925 --> 00:13:17,013 or for us? 392 00:13:21,452 --> 00:13:22,627 All right. 393 00:13:22,671 --> 00:13:24,107 Now, try to have some backbone. 394 00:13:24,151 --> 00:13:26,457 I'm -- I'm -- I'm right here. 395 00:13:26,501 --> 00:13:28,068 Okay? 396 00:13:28,111 --> 00:13:30,461 And just remember,this is for our daughter. 397 00:13:31,593 --> 00:13:33,551 Aah! Aah! Aah! 398 00:13:33,595 --> 00:13:34,944 Ohh, Cam... 399 00:13:36,772 --> 00:13:38,339 I know it makes me seem shallow, 400 00:13:38,382 --> 00:13:41,516 but he had such a crazy body! 401 00:13:41,559 --> 00:13:44,214 How am I supposed togo back to nerd butts? 402 00:13:44,258 --> 00:13:46,913 No matter what I'd need, it'd beright there in her purse -- 403 00:13:46,956 --> 00:13:50,699 Band-Aids, wet wipes, raisins. 404 00:13:50,742 --> 00:13:52,309 Because sometimes I'm not angry. 405 00:13:52,353 --> 00:13:53,702 I'm just hungry. 406 00:13:53,745 --> 00:13:56,096 You know what she's notgonna find in that purse? 407 00:13:56,139 --> 00:13:57,358 Someone better than you. 408 00:13:57,401 --> 00:13:58,576 Really? Yeah. 409 00:13:58,620 --> 00:14:00,274 You can do better than -- 410 00:14:00,317 --> 00:14:02,580 I'm forgetting her nameright now, so Molly's mom. 411 00:14:02,624 --> 00:14:05,148 You know, I'm not just saying itbecause you said it, 412 00:14:05,192 --> 00:14:07,759 but I never thought Bill was good enough for you. 413 00:14:07,803 --> 00:14:09,326 Seriously? 414 00:14:09,370 --> 00:14:11,067 You deserve someone smart and curious. 415 00:14:11,111 --> 00:14:13,896 Be honest, didn't you get sick of him saying 416 00:14:13,940 --> 00:14:16,551 "I bet I can jump over that" every time he walked outside? 417 00:14:16,594 --> 00:14:18,466 Thanks, Luke. 418 00:14:18,509 --> 00:14:19,989 We don't need them, right? 419 00:14:20,033 --> 00:14:21,164 In a couple weeks, 420 00:14:21,208 --> 00:14:23,079 we won't remember either one of them. 421 00:14:24,428 --> 00:14:26,082 A fireman? 422 00:14:26,126 --> 00:14:26,909 A nun? 423 00:14:29,042 --> 00:14:31,740 Janice was into some really weird stuff. 424 00:14:35,439 --> 00:14:37,572 What about her? Is that a Martha Stewart? 425 00:14:37,615 --> 00:14:39,313 I-I think that's Princess Di. 426 00:14:39,356 --> 00:14:41,141 Jay, you have to prepare yourself. 427 00:14:41,184 --> 00:14:42,403 We may not find your candy bar. 428 00:14:42,446 --> 00:14:44,318 We've stoppedfour Martha Stewarts, 429 00:14:44,361 --> 00:14:46,494 two Dog the Bounty Hunters,and the real Judith Light. 430 00:14:46,537 --> 00:14:48,061 How nice was she, by the way? 431 00:14:48,104 --> 00:14:49,366 Yeah, class act. Keep looking. 432 00:14:50,628 --> 00:14:52,065 Hey, that's Mom! 433 00:14:52,108 --> 00:14:53,980 Mom! Manny! 434 00:14:54,023 --> 00:14:56,156 How many times have I told younot to shout "Mom" 435 00:14:56,199 --> 00:14:57,548 when you're dressed like an old man? 436 00:14:57,592 --> 00:14:59,811 Including now? Once. 437 00:14:59,855 --> 00:15:01,552 I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you. 438 00:15:01,596 --> 00:15:04,381 I'm mad at Mitch and Camfor leaving me here 439 00:15:04,425 --> 00:15:07,384 and the mean Boy Scoutthat made me feel so old. 440 00:15:07,428 --> 00:15:08,951 Old?! 441 00:15:08,995 --> 00:15:10,866 Sweetie,you look delicious! 442 00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:11,998 I do? Yes. 443 00:15:12,041 --> 00:15:14,087 You're dancing with usright now. 444 00:15:14,130 --> 00:15:14,914 Okay. 445 00:15:16,698 --> 00:15:18,352 Oh! 446 00:15:18,395 --> 00:15:20,006 Look what I found on the ground. 447 00:15:21,224 --> 00:15:22,356 We're too late. 448 00:15:22,399 --> 00:15:24,575 Sorry, Jay. 449 00:15:24,619 --> 00:15:25,968 Do you want to talk about it? 450 00:15:26,012 --> 00:15:28,884 No! I don't want to seem like a sad sack. 451 00:15:30,146 --> 00:15:32,018 Uh...excuse me. 452 00:15:33,410 --> 00:15:35,238 What is it about this candy? 453 00:15:35,282 --> 00:15:37,110 It just tasted like summer or something, 454 00:15:37,153 --> 00:15:38,328 I don't know. 455 00:15:38,372 --> 00:15:40,200 But out with the old, in with the new. 456 00:15:40,243 --> 00:15:42,854 Candy bars come and go. 457 00:15:42,898 --> 00:15:44,421 No more record stores. 458 00:15:44,465 --> 00:15:47,033 6-year-old sons too grown up 459 00:15:47,076 --> 00:15:49,818 to go trick-or-treating with their dads. 460 00:15:49,861 --> 00:15:51,994 No more beepers. 461 00:15:52,038 --> 00:15:54,257 Are you that bummedthat Joe didn't want tospend Halloween with you? 462 00:15:54,301 --> 00:15:56,172 No! It's just the beginning of the whole thing, ya know? 463 00:15:56,216 --> 00:15:58,174 When you -- when you break that seal... 464 00:15:58,218 --> 00:16:01,134 Look, I know Joe wanted to bewith his friends tonight, 465 00:16:01,177 --> 00:16:03,266 but he'll definitely wantto spend another Halloween 466 00:16:03,310 --> 00:16:04,267 with his dad. 467 00:16:04,311 --> 00:16:05,268 How do you know that? 468 00:16:05,312 --> 00:16:06,617 Kids have a way of coming back. 469 00:16:08,054 --> 00:16:10,621 Even if they have to...make up a dumb reason to do it. 470 00:16:16,279 --> 00:16:17,585 Happy Halloween, kid. 471 00:16:18,716 --> 00:16:21,241 Wait,this is a delicate moment. 472 00:16:21,284 --> 00:16:23,243 We could scar herif we don't handle it right. 473 00:16:23,286 --> 00:16:25,506 Ohhh! God, I know that's true. 474 00:16:25,549 --> 00:16:27,160 My first kiss was terrible. 475 00:16:27,203 --> 00:16:29,249 My mom walked in on me with this girl. 476 00:16:29,292 --> 00:16:31,251 I can still hear my mom scream to my dad, 477 00:16:31,294 --> 00:16:32,643 "I told you he wasn't!" 478 00:16:32,687 --> 00:16:33,644 Well, mine was worse. 479 00:16:33,688 --> 00:16:34,732 It's not a competition. 480 00:16:34,776 --> 00:16:35,907 My dad found me in a barn 481 00:16:35,951 --> 00:16:37,822 open-mouth kissing a tackling dummy. 482 00:16:37,866 --> 00:16:38,954 And you win. 483 00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:41,087 Okay, so, gentle, but firm. 484 00:16:41,130 --> 00:16:42,088 Okay? 485 00:16:42,131 --> 00:16:43,176 Yeah. 486 00:16:47,354 --> 00:16:50,313 Sweetie, is -- is everything okay? 487 00:16:50,357 --> 00:16:52,185 It's nothing. Go away. 488 00:16:52,228 --> 00:16:54,274 Honey, did --did a boy pressure you 489 00:16:54,317 --> 00:16:56,537 to do somethingyou didn't want to do? 490 00:16:56,580 --> 00:16:58,843 Ew! Gross! No. 491 00:16:58,887 --> 00:17:01,237 D-Did a girlpressure you into doing something -- 492 00:17:01,281 --> 00:17:03,196 Oh, my God! Can you adopt a second child 493 00:17:03,239 --> 00:17:04,936 to take some of this off of me?! 494 00:17:04,980 --> 00:17:07,939 Honey -- Honey, we --we just want to help, okay? 495 00:17:07,983 --> 00:17:10,333 We're -- We're afraid that maybe we pushed you 496 00:17:10,377 --> 00:17:12,074 into going to that party before you were ready. 497 00:17:12,118 --> 00:17:14,642 Look, I thought this boy really liked me, 498 00:17:14,685 --> 00:17:17,210 but he was just using me to get to my friend Kelly. 499 00:17:17,253 --> 00:17:19,212 Kelly? Ew, she's gross!Yeah. 500 00:17:19,255 --> 00:17:20,735 No, she isn't. She's my friend. 501 00:17:20,778 --> 00:17:22,519 She's not you. And anyonewho would pick her over -- 502 00:17:22,563 --> 00:17:24,869 Of course you'd say that. You're my dad. 503 00:17:24,913 --> 00:17:27,524 I'm sorry, there's nothing that you could say that would help. 504 00:17:27,568 --> 00:17:28,917 Okay? 505 00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,093 You're not a girl, you're not 12. 506 00:17:31,137 --> 00:17:32,660 What would youknow about liking a boy 507 00:17:32,703 --> 00:17:34,227 who doesn't like you back? 508 00:17:34,270 --> 00:17:35,924 Oh, honey -- 509 00:17:35,967 --> 00:17:37,143 I'm gonna get us some ice cream. 510 00:17:37,186 --> 00:17:38,666 Okay, come here, come here. 511 00:17:38,709 --> 00:17:40,102 Okay. 512 00:17:40,146 --> 00:17:41,669 Honey, you can't be mad 513 00:17:41,712 --> 00:17:43,105 that I wasn't scaredby that movie. 514 00:17:43,149 --> 00:17:44,237 It was a baby. 515 00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:46,021 It had three rows of teeth! 516 00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:47,022 Baby teeth! 517 00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:48,371 Look, it's not your fault. 518 00:17:48,415 --> 00:17:50,330 It's just that, next to you, I feel like such a wuss. 519 00:17:50,373 --> 00:17:52,723 Just because you geta little bit squirrelly ina movie doesn't make you -- 520 00:17:52,767 --> 00:17:54,203 Wait, hang on.Why are we crossing the street? 521 00:17:54,247 --> 00:17:56,205 Our house is right down -- 522 00:17:56,249 --> 00:17:58,251 Wait a minute, you'renot afraid of the littleold lady's house, are you? 523 00:17:58,294 --> 00:17:59,382 You don't know she's little! 524 00:17:59,426 --> 00:18:00,470 All we know is she sits up there 525 00:18:00,514 --> 00:18:01,776 plotting evil from her window. 526 00:18:01,819 --> 00:18:02,777 She's not there. 527 00:18:02,820 --> 00:18:04,126 She's alwaysthere! 528 00:18:04,170 --> 00:18:05,258 This stops now. 529 00:18:05,301 --> 00:18:07,260 We're gonna go knock on that door, 530 00:18:07,303 --> 00:18:08,522 introduce ourselves, 531 00:18:08,565 --> 00:18:11,177 and put an end to this nuttiness. 532 00:18:18,445 --> 00:18:19,576 Huh. 533 00:18:21,448 --> 00:18:22,231 Well, that's weird timing. 534 00:18:22,275 --> 00:18:23,276 The, um... 535 00:18:23,319 --> 00:18:24,842 The envelope Alex dropped off. 536 00:18:24,886 --> 00:18:26,583 The -- The old lady never picked it up. 537 00:18:26,627 --> 00:18:28,194 What was that? 538 00:18:28,237 --> 00:18:29,369 Oh, God. Phil, what if she fell? 539 00:18:29,412 --> 00:18:30,500 We should go check on her. Come on. 540 00:18:30,544 --> 00:18:31,936 Yeah, I guess so. 541 00:18:31,980 --> 00:18:33,286 I am, uh, right behind you. 542 00:18:33,329 --> 00:18:35,375 I'm just gonna go find a flashlight. 543 00:18:35,418 --> 00:18:36,854 Phil -- 544 00:18:41,685 --> 00:18:43,600 Um... 545 00:18:43,644 --> 00:18:44,601 Hello? 546 00:18:45,994 --> 00:18:47,213 Ms. Mann? 547 00:18:49,911 --> 00:18:51,347 Hello? 548 00:18:57,397 --> 00:18:59,094 Ida Mae? 549 00:19:01,401 --> 00:19:02,750 Oh. 550 00:19:04,230 --> 00:19:05,013 Ida Mae? 551 00:19:11,237 --> 00:19:13,021 Ms. Mann? 552 00:19:18,592 --> 00:19:22,117 It was simplicity itself. 553 00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:24,685 A year ago, Claire accused me for the millionth time 554 00:19:24,728 --> 00:19:27,340 that I couldn't scare her, so I came up with a plan. 555 00:19:27,383 --> 00:19:29,429 I'd just sold a house to a European couple 556 00:19:29,472 --> 00:19:31,344 that weren't gonna take possession for a while, 557 00:19:31,387 --> 00:19:34,434 so, uh, last fall, "Ida Mae" moved in. 558 00:19:34,477 --> 00:19:35,261 I told you! 559 00:19:35,304 --> 00:19:37,306 She's always up there! 560 00:19:37,350 --> 00:19:40,831 Fortunately, the house wasright on Claire's jogging route, 561 00:19:40,875 --> 00:19:43,356 so it was easy to introduce Claire to Ida Mae, 562 00:19:43,399 --> 00:19:46,228 and when I wanted to amp it up, 563 00:19:46,272 --> 00:19:49,318 I had Ida Mae make contact. 564 00:19:52,669 --> 00:19:54,149 Hey! 565 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:55,629 Then, this morning... 566 00:19:55,672 --> 00:19:57,500 I knew that ax wouldn't scare Claire. 567 00:19:57,544 --> 00:19:59,110 I just did that so she'd accuse me 568 00:19:59,154 --> 00:20:00,242 of not being able to scare her. 569 00:20:00,286 --> 00:20:01,896 It's all about plausibility. 570 00:20:01,939 --> 00:20:03,289 Damn right, it is. 571 00:20:03,332 --> 00:20:04,942 Over the past year, 572 00:20:04,986 --> 00:20:06,944 Ida Mae joined the neighborhood association, 573 00:20:06,988 --> 00:20:08,511 hung up a poster for her lost dog, 574 00:20:08,555 --> 00:20:10,296 signed up for Meals on Wheels. 575 00:20:10,339 --> 00:20:11,471 They're not bad, by the way. 576 00:20:11,514 --> 00:20:14,691 Also, she got a lot of knitting done. 577 00:20:16,954 --> 00:20:18,434 Oh, I'm sorry, Claire. 578 00:20:18,478 --> 00:20:19,609 Did I scare you? 579 00:20:20,697 --> 00:20:21,829 Youdid this? Yep. 580 00:20:21,872 --> 00:20:23,483 How long have you planned this -- 581 00:20:23,526 --> 00:20:24,658 11 months, two weeks,and three days ago, 582 00:20:24,701 --> 00:20:26,181 I gave birth to Ida Mae Mann. 583 00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:28,531 Because I da main man. 584 00:20:28,575 --> 00:20:29,880 Oh, don't you dare do word play, Phil. 585 00:20:29,924 --> 00:20:31,055 Sorry. 586 00:20:31,099 --> 00:20:33,188 I was having so much fun! 587 00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:34,668 What? I was wondering what we were gonna do 588 00:20:34,711 --> 00:20:36,409 for the next 30 years of our lives 589 00:20:36,452 --> 00:20:37,279 without the kids in the house. 590 00:20:37,323 --> 00:20:38,846 And now I know -- 591 00:20:38,889 --> 00:20:41,631 you're getting twisted, and I like it. 592 00:20:41,675 --> 00:20:42,980 Game on. 593 00:20:43,024 --> 00:20:44,330 Unh-unh. Unh-unh. Mm-hmm. 594 00:20:44,373 --> 00:20:45,679 "Game on"? What do you mean "game on"? 595 00:20:45,722 --> 00:20:47,202 It's -- It's game over. 596 00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:47,985 Nope. 597 00:20:49,422 --> 00:20:50,945 Watch your back, buddy. 598 00:20:50,988 --> 00:20:52,599 This is gonna be so much fun. 599 00:20:54,035 --> 00:20:55,602 Can't we just travel? 600 00:20:58,257 --> 00:20:59,388 Where'd your mom go? 601 00:21:03,349 --> 00:21:05,351 I really needed this today! 602 00:21:09,355 --> 00:21:11,226 Excuse me. Excuse me. 603 00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:13,097 Hey! That's my wife! 604 00:21:13,141 --> 00:21:15,970 Oh, sure, sweetheart. Like you could get that. 605 00:21:16,013 --> 00:21:19,408 No, no, no! That ismy husband! 606 00:21:19,452 --> 00:21:20,583 Does she know that -- 607 00:21:20,627 --> 00:21:22,368 No, and we're never gonna tell her.