1 00:00:02,132 --> 00:00:05,396 Cartoon voice: Good night, Triangle. Good night, Square. 2 00:00:05,440 --> 00:00:07,703 Thanks for showing us how fun it is to learn. 3 00:00:07,746 --> 00:00:10,401 Do you want to gettheir pajamas, or should I... 4 00:00:10,445 --> 00:00:12,273 Ohh. 5 00:00:14,231 --> 00:00:17,452 Announcer: Next, "Blood Orgy 7: Rise of the Organ Hoarder." 6 00:00:20,672 --> 00:00:22,544 Woman: Aah! 7 00:00:26,983 --> 00:00:28,071 Oh, my God! 8 00:00:28,115 --> 00:00:28,985 Woman: Why?! 9 00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:30,204 Why?! 10 00:00:30,247 --> 00:00:33,294 --Captions by VITAC-- 11 00:00:33,337 --> 00:00:35,948 Captioning Provided by 20th Century Fox Television and ABC, Inc. 12 00:00:35,992 --> 00:00:38,951 and brought to you by Ford. Going further, so you can. 13 00:00:43,173 --> 00:00:45,088 Are you Daniel Boone? 14 00:00:45,132 --> 00:00:47,569 Who's asking? 15 00:00:47,612 --> 00:00:49,353 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 16 00:00:49,397 --> 00:00:51,268 I just came to see Kentucky, 17 00:00:51,312 --> 00:00:53,227 the fifth-largest tobacco producer 18 00:00:53,270 --> 00:00:56,752 and the third-largestcoal producer in the country. 19 00:00:56,795 --> 00:00:58,971 I feel like I am there. 20 00:00:59,015 --> 00:01:01,191 The only thing more painful than children's theater 21 00:01:01,235 --> 00:01:02,975 is what's going on with my back right now. 22 00:01:03,019 --> 00:01:05,804 Why can't you take the pillsthat the doctor gave you 23 00:01:05,848 --> 00:01:07,806 so that you can enjoyyour son's tour de force? 24 00:01:07,850 --> 00:01:09,286 I just need a little stretch. 25 00:01:09,330 --> 00:01:11,114 Doctors give you pills for everything today. 26 00:01:11,158 --> 00:01:12,550 Now we need a volunteer. 27 00:01:12,594 --> 00:01:14,944 Mr. Pritchett, thank you for your enthusiasm. 28 00:01:14,987 --> 00:01:16,380 What? One of our players 29 00:01:16,424 --> 00:01:17,686 has been kidnapped by his stepfather, 30 00:01:17,729 --> 00:01:18,774 but the show must go on. 31 00:01:18,817 --> 00:01:20,036 Place a star on the flag 32 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,907 every time a territory becomes a state. 33 00:01:21,951 --> 00:01:23,344 Seriously, but do the police -- 34 00:01:23,387 --> 00:01:26,347 How 'bout a round of applause?! 35 00:01:27,870 --> 00:01:30,612 Faster, please. We're losing them. 36 00:01:30,655 --> 00:01:32,179 Where are you? 37 00:01:32,222 --> 00:01:34,529 You're missing Joe's tributeto the 50 nifty United States. 38 00:01:34,572 --> 00:01:36,226 Claire: 39 00:01:36,270 --> 00:01:38,141 I'm at home in bed with the worst cold. 40 00:01:38,185 --> 00:01:40,056 Afraid the whole family's down. 41 00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:42,841 Might've even lost a few house plants, yeah. 42 00:01:42,885 --> 00:01:44,626 Okay, well, I'm gonna get some rest now. 43 00:01:44,669 --> 00:01:46,367 Alright. Take care. 44 00:01:50,458 --> 00:01:51,415 Aah! 45 00:01:51,459 --> 00:01:52,416 Phil! 46 00:01:52,460 --> 00:01:55,941 You told meyou sold your dad's RV! 47 00:01:55,985 --> 00:01:58,553 And you told me you were running your 5-mile loop! 48 00:01:58,596 --> 00:02:00,816 This street is on your 3-mile course, 49 00:02:00,859 --> 00:02:02,774 so who are you really mad at, Claire? 50 00:02:04,341 --> 00:02:05,951 Cameron:Gloria, we are so sorry, 51 00:02:05,995 --> 00:02:08,432 but we're not gonna be ableto make it to Joe's play. 52 00:02:08,476 --> 00:02:10,434 No, no, Ronaldo's mom,she had -- 53 00:02:10,478 --> 00:02:12,349 well, she had emergency surgery, 54 00:02:12,393 --> 00:02:15,222 and, uh, he and Pepper dropped off their Great Danes 55 00:02:15,265 --> 00:02:17,049 to our place with no warning. 56 00:02:18,660 --> 00:02:20,488 No! No, stay away from that! Not the vase! 57 00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:24,318 Sorry, Gloria. I gotta go. 58 00:02:24,361 --> 00:02:26,058 You couldn't just sayyou had a cold? 59 00:02:26,102 --> 00:02:28,060 Oh, yeah, and Abe Lincoln, 60 00:02:28,104 --> 00:02:30,280 he could've said, "87 years ago," 61 00:02:30,324 --> 00:02:31,977 and Hamlet could've said, "Maybe I'll kill myself." 62 00:02:32,021 --> 00:02:33,892 No, it's the finishing touches 63 00:02:33,936 --> 00:02:36,243 that separate the merely good from great, Mitchell! 64 00:02:36,286 --> 00:02:38,462 Sweetie, I know you'rereally tense about this -- 65 00:02:38,506 --> 00:02:40,247 No, no, no! Don't jinx it, don't jinx it! 66 00:02:40,290 --> 00:02:41,552 Cam is up for head coach 67 00:02:41,596 --> 00:02:43,511 at the University of Nor--Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup! 68 00:02:45,382 --> 00:02:46,209 Bup, bup! 69 00:02:46,253 --> 00:02:48,385 Cam is up for head football coach 70 00:02:48,429 --> 00:02:51,083 at the University of North Central Missouri. 71 00:02:51,127 --> 00:02:52,215 It's his dream job, 72 00:02:52,259 --> 00:02:54,217 and they're supposed to call him about it today, 73 00:02:54,261 --> 00:02:56,306 and it's making him a little crazy. 74 00:02:56,350 --> 00:02:57,351 In f-fact -- 75 00:02:57,394 --> 00:02:59,266 C-Claire's always Dad's favorite, 76 00:02:59,309 --> 00:03:00,876 and I-I'm really miffedabout that. 77 00:03:00,919 --> 00:03:03,618 Oh, boy. This again, huh? 78 00:03:03,661 --> 00:03:05,228 Okay. No, go on. 79 00:03:05,272 --> 00:03:07,448 I'm ready.Oh, my God! 80 00:03:07,491 --> 00:03:10,494 Honey, you look gorgeous! Look at her.Ah, sweetie! Oh! 81 00:03:10,538 --> 00:03:12,235 Now, may I give you a piece of advice from myfirst date? 82 00:03:12,279 --> 00:03:14,063 Don't say how much you want to have kids, 83 00:03:14,106 --> 00:03:15,847 and don't cry, because your makeup will run. 84 00:03:15,891 --> 00:03:17,240 I'm more worriedabout my daterunning 85 00:03:17,284 --> 00:03:18,633 when he sees you two there. 86 00:03:18,676 --> 00:03:20,809 You'll barely even notice us, okay? 87 00:03:20,852 --> 00:03:23,028 Just be yourself. You are -- You're so funny. 88 00:03:23,072 --> 00:03:25,161 Okay, tell that funny story 89 00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:27,163 of the old drunk guy who was kissing the donkey. 90 00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:29,383 Oh, because yourfamily's perfect? 91 00:03:29,426 --> 00:03:31,254 Okay. Oh, my God! That's it! 92 00:03:31,298 --> 00:03:32,342 That's the job! 93 00:03:32,386 --> 00:03:34,039 Where's my phone?! Where's my phone?! 94 00:03:34,083 --> 00:03:36,520 This is the worst thing that could be happ-- 95 00:03:36,564 --> 00:03:38,130 Okay, it's just my mediation app. 96 00:03:41,003 --> 00:03:43,440 Okay, you needto control your man. 97 00:03:43,484 --> 00:03:44,963 If he gets bad news tonight 98 00:03:45,007 --> 00:03:46,835 and melts down in front of Randy, 99 00:03:46,878 --> 00:03:49,316 I can kiss"kissing him goodbye" goodbye. 100 00:03:49,359 --> 00:03:51,274 Okay, no, I gotcha, I gotcha. Come on, let's go. 101 00:03:51,318 --> 00:03:53,450 I understand we allget attached to things 102 00:03:53,494 --> 00:03:55,104 that belonged to our parents. 103 00:03:55,147 --> 00:03:56,410 That's not it. 104 00:03:56,453 --> 00:03:58,325 I'm doing this so you and I can have some adventures. 105 00:03:58,368 --> 00:04:00,283 Can't you see yourself making lists and folding shirts 106 00:04:00,327 --> 00:04:02,416 while we drive across the Golden Gate Bridge? 107 00:04:02,459 --> 00:04:04,548 We're never gonna use this thing. 108 00:04:04,592 --> 00:04:06,724 It guzzles gas,and it takes an hour to park. 109 00:04:06,768 --> 00:04:07,943 Well, then leave it here. 110 00:04:07,986 --> 00:04:09,292 You've always wanted a guest house. 111 00:04:09,336 --> 00:04:11,555 Not one with seat beltsat the dining table. 112 00:04:14,210 --> 00:04:15,516 No discussion, Dylan. 113 00:04:15,559 --> 00:04:17,692 We're taking them to see a baby psychiatrist. 114 00:04:17,735 --> 00:04:19,433 Are you still talking aboutthat crazy movie? 115 00:04:19,476 --> 00:04:20,956 Well, it messed them up! 116 00:04:20,999 --> 00:04:22,392 We took them to the park. 117 00:04:22,436 --> 00:04:23,872 Swing set -- bored. 118 00:04:23,915 --> 00:04:25,177 Cute squirrels -- snore. 119 00:04:25,221 --> 00:04:26,701 Then an old lady walking her poodle 120 00:04:26,744 --> 00:04:28,311 trips and gets dragged through a rosebush, 121 00:04:28,355 --> 00:04:29,965 and these two burst out laughing 122 00:04:30,008 --> 00:04:31,445 like two stoners in a tickle fight. 123 00:04:31,488 --> 00:04:33,011 I'm sureyou're both overreacting 124 00:04:33,055 --> 00:04:34,448 the way all new parents do. 125 00:04:34,491 --> 00:04:35,884 No, Mom, we're screwing this up. 126 00:04:35,927 --> 00:04:37,581 At the very least, we need help, 127 00:04:37,625 --> 00:04:39,540 like -- like an au pair or something. 128 00:04:39,583 --> 00:04:40,367 That's two nannies, right? 129 00:04:40,410 --> 00:04:41,368 Correct. Okay. 130 00:04:41,411 --> 00:04:42,978 Ohh. 131 00:04:43,021 --> 00:04:46,590 Look at how gentle they're beingwith that butterfly. 132 00:04:46,634 --> 00:04:48,505 See? You two were worryingfor no-- 133 00:04:48,549 --> 00:04:50,681 They're tearing it apart.Ohh! 134 00:04:50,725 --> 00:04:53,554 What do you saywe leave the babies with Farrah 135 00:04:53,597 --> 00:04:55,338 and the grown-ups go outand talk about this over dinner? 136 00:04:55,382 --> 00:04:56,426 Great idea. 137 00:04:56,470 --> 00:04:58,210 Oh! Four people, though. 138 00:04:58,254 --> 00:04:59,995 Try fitting that in a regular car. 139 00:05:00,038 --> 00:05:01,605 Wait a minute. 140 00:05:01,649 --> 00:05:04,956 What if we took the R--you kidding me?! 141 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:07,002 Remind me to buy some wheel blocks! 142 00:05:10,571 --> 00:05:12,268 Oh, God. Lily needs my help. 143 00:05:14,879 --> 00:05:16,403 Cameron: What the hellare you doing? 144 00:05:16,446 --> 00:05:18,143 I'm -- I'm trying to get herto tell that funny donkey story. 145 00:05:18,187 --> 00:05:19,580 By making an Eeyore sound? 146 00:05:19,623 --> 00:05:21,843 You know what?Not all donkeys are depressed. 147 00:05:21,886 --> 00:05:23,453 That'san offensive stereotype 148 00:05:23,497 --> 00:05:25,586 perpetuated bya bunch of ignorant Iowans. 149 00:05:25,629 --> 00:05:27,588 Oh, my God! My phone's buzzing! 150 00:05:27,631 --> 00:05:28,980 It's just Longinus. 151 00:05:29,024 --> 00:05:31,418 Yeah, we know. You metMarie Osmond at a Five Guys. 152 00:05:31,461 --> 00:05:32,810 Nobody cares. 153 00:05:34,246 --> 00:05:36,510 My friend saidwe should try the potato. 154 00:05:36,553 --> 00:05:37,772 Lily!Hey, guys. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. 155 00:05:37,815 --> 00:05:39,034 Hey.Claire: Hi! 156 00:05:39,077 --> 00:05:40,383 Hey, guys! What are you doing here? 157 00:05:40,427 --> 00:05:41,515 Oh, just taking a breakfrom scarring our children. 158 00:05:41,558 --> 00:05:43,473 Now, come on. 159 00:05:43,517 --> 00:05:45,214 Haley and Dylan were having a little bit of a meltdown, 160 00:05:45,257 --> 00:05:46,737 and we thought we'd hit Spuds one last time 161 00:05:46,781 --> 00:05:47,738 before they close for good. 162 00:05:47,782 --> 00:05:49,523 I know. It's sad, isn't it? 163 00:05:49,566 --> 00:05:51,481 Remember we used to spend all of our birthdays here...Yeah! 164 00:05:51,525 --> 00:05:54,484 ...and Spuddy Holly would always sing to us.Yes! Oh. 165 00:05:54,528 --> 00:05:56,878 Both: ♪ Scalloped, fried, or lyonnaise ♪ 166 00:05:56,921 --> 00:05:58,575 ♪ Spuds' potatoes amaze 167 00:05:58,619 --> 00:06:00,055 ♪ Happy birthday 168 00:06:00,098 --> 00:06:01,970 I want to stress that I'm adopted. 169 00:06:02,013 --> 00:06:03,841 Why don't we leave the lovebirdsto their date? 170 00:06:03,885 --> 00:06:05,539 Good idea, but you know what? 171 00:06:05,582 --> 00:06:07,584 Spuds is better with morepeople, much like a vehicle. 172 00:06:07,628 --> 00:06:09,586 Let's -- Let's see if they cansit the rest of us together. 173 00:06:09,630 --> 00:06:10,544 Okay, yeah.Okay. 174 00:06:10,587 --> 00:06:11,806 Alright. 175 00:06:16,506 --> 00:06:19,074 I'd been following Cam'scompetitor for the coaching spot 176 00:06:19,117 --> 00:06:20,815 on Instagram, and -- 177 00:06:20,858 --> 00:06:22,860 ...he beat Cam out for the job, 178 00:06:22,904 --> 00:06:24,688 which meant, any minute, 179 00:06:24,732 --> 00:06:26,603 Cam would be getting the devastating news himself. 180 00:06:26,647 --> 00:06:29,258 And I-I-I couldn't rely on the joyful environment of Spuds 181 00:06:29,301 --> 00:06:30,999 to cushion the blow. 182 00:06:31,042 --> 00:06:33,218 Although, it is famously where Larry King broke up 183 00:06:33,262 --> 00:06:34,698 with four of his wives. 184 00:06:34,742 --> 00:06:36,047 Cam. Cam. 185 00:06:36,091 --> 00:06:37,875 I-I-I just got some bad news, 186 00:06:37,919 --> 00:06:39,660 and I think it's bestthat you hear it from me. 187 00:06:39,703 --> 00:06:40,617 Oh, I heard. 188 00:06:40,661 --> 00:06:42,140 They're out of the Impossible Potato. 189 00:06:42,184 --> 00:06:43,707 Now, I'm sorry, 190 00:06:43,751 --> 00:06:46,275 you advertise the first potato made entirely of meat, 191 00:06:46,318 --> 00:06:48,320 ya better have enough for everyone. 192 00:06:50,627 --> 00:06:53,456 Please just take those pills. 193 00:06:53,500 --> 00:06:55,589 You're more crookedthan General James Wilkinson 194 00:06:55,632 --> 00:06:57,808 duringthe Louisiana Purchase. 195 00:06:57,852 --> 00:06:59,506 We're down to the last state. 196 00:06:59,549 --> 00:07:01,464 It's actually better if I move. 197 00:07:04,336 --> 00:07:06,513 Wow. This is gorgeous. 198 00:07:06,556 --> 00:07:07,644 What do you call this place, again? 199 00:07:07,688 --> 00:07:09,037 Pearl Harbor. 200 00:07:16,523 --> 00:07:17,741 Aah! 201 00:07:17,785 --> 00:07:20,396 Save the flag, boys! 202 00:07:29,013 --> 00:07:30,406 Haley, get off your phone. 203 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,147 The babies are fine with Dylan's mom. 204 00:07:32,190 --> 00:07:34,410 If you're feeling tense, my dad's old foot bath is in the RV. 205 00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:36,151 Plugs right into the cigarette lighter. 206 00:07:36,194 --> 00:07:37,500 Honey, there could bea money volcano 207 00:07:37,544 --> 00:07:39,633 that plugs right intoa white wine fountain in there. 208 00:07:39,676 --> 00:07:40,938 I still wouldn't want it. 209 00:07:40,982 --> 00:07:42,592 I keep remembering things I forgot to tell her. 210 00:07:42,636 --> 00:07:44,115 My kids are already sociopaths. 211 00:07:44,159 --> 00:07:46,335 I don't need to give them astrawberry allergy on top of it. 212 00:07:46,378 --> 00:07:47,641 Oh, I completely, totally get that. 213 00:07:47,684 --> 00:07:48,511 Just gonna turn this off. 214 00:07:48,555 --> 00:07:49,991 You know what? 215 00:07:50,034 --> 00:07:51,514 Hey, let-- let's all turn off our phones. Come on. 216 00:07:51,558 --> 00:07:53,560 Yeah, you can -- No, come on. Live in the moment. 217 00:07:53,603 --> 00:07:55,779 I mean, appreciate the fact that we live in a town 218 00:07:55,823 --> 00:07:57,433 with family and friends 219 00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:59,217 all sitting at the same table where -- 220 00:07:59,261 --> 00:08:02,438 oh, yeah, "Eisenhower planned the D-Day invasion." 221 00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:03,526 Well, that's probably not true. 222 00:08:03,570 --> 00:08:04,745 Sounds like somebody's nervous 223 00:08:04,788 --> 00:08:06,398 about a possible moveto Missouri. 224 00:08:06,442 --> 00:08:07,965 No, I'm -- I'm just pointing out 225 00:08:08,009 --> 00:08:10,359 that there are a lot of really great things here. 226 00:08:10,402 --> 00:08:11,795 Like -- Like, wouldn't it be a shame 227 00:08:11,839 --> 00:08:13,884 to cut that blossoming relationship short? 228 00:08:13,928 --> 00:08:16,670 Actually, I'm not so surehow much I trust that Randy guy. 229 00:08:16,713 --> 00:08:18,672 I mean, what kind of sicko is attracted to a 12-year-old? 230 00:08:18,715 --> 00:08:20,325 I wonder if his parents messed him up, too. 231 00:08:20,369 --> 00:08:21,762 You know, I read on a mommy blog 232 00:08:21,805 --> 00:08:23,764 that bad parenting is a direct link to future criminality -- 233 00:08:23,807 --> 00:08:24,765 and deejaying. 234 00:08:24,808 --> 00:08:25,766 Okay, you know what? 235 00:08:25,809 --> 00:08:27,202 You two need to be careful 236 00:08:27,245 --> 00:08:29,726 because you can read so muchabout howto parent, 237 00:08:29,770 --> 00:08:31,336 you miss out on beingone. 238 00:08:31,380 --> 00:08:32,947 Mitchell struggled with that. 239 00:08:32,990 --> 00:08:34,949 Just relax. 240 00:08:34,992 --> 00:08:36,167 Aww, sweetheart. 241 00:08:36,211 --> 00:08:38,039 Oh. 242 00:08:38,082 --> 00:08:39,649 Did you put hair spray in this?Just a little bit, yes. 243 00:08:39,693 --> 00:08:40,824 I'm gonna put some music on. 244 00:08:40,868 --> 00:08:42,739 No, Cam, I have to go work.Dance with her! 245 00:08:42,783 --> 00:08:44,436 Come on. I don't have time for this.Put a little boogiein it. 246 00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:45,786 No, come on, it --♪ Stand up♪ 247 00:08:45,829 --> 00:08:47,788 Just dance.You know you love this song. 248 00:08:47,831 --> 00:08:49,050 Alright. Okay. 249 00:08:49,093 --> 00:08:51,052 Who's the dancing queen, huh? 250 00:08:51,095 --> 00:08:53,184 ♪ ...all over town♪ 251 00:08:53,228 --> 00:08:54,925 Put a little boogie in it. 252 00:08:54,969 --> 00:08:56,448 See? Fun. 253 00:08:56,492 --> 00:08:57,493 Oh, my -- 254 00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:58,668 Was that her head? 255 00:08:58,712 --> 00:09:00,583 Sorry. I forgot how that story ended. 256 00:09:00,627 --> 00:09:02,977 It ended with us in the ER 257 00:09:03,020 --> 00:09:05,675 of one of the best hospitalsin the world. 258 00:09:05,719 --> 00:09:07,242 Nice having that only a mile away. 259 00:09:07,285 --> 00:09:09,374 I'll have you know that the life expectancy in Missouri 260 00:09:09,418 --> 00:09:11,246 just climbed above Arkansas and Guam. 261 00:09:11,289 --> 00:09:13,074 Okay, give me back my phone. I'm ordering baby helmets. 262 00:09:13,117 --> 00:09:14,510 Stop worrying. 263 00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:16,425 Kids get bonked all the time. 264 00:09:16,468 --> 00:09:18,166 Do you knowhow many tumbles Luke took? 265 00:09:20,342 --> 00:09:22,474 I think he wants to go out. 266 00:09:22,518 --> 00:09:24,041 Good boy! 267 00:09:24,085 --> 00:09:25,739 Smart dog. 268 00:09:25,782 --> 00:09:28,002 I hate to break it to you, butI think all dogs can do that. 269 00:09:28,045 --> 00:09:29,481 I'm gonna play outside. 270 00:09:31,005 --> 00:09:32,484 Ow! 271 00:09:33,747 --> 00:09:35,052 What happened? 272 00:09:35,096 --> 00:09:36,619 And he's fine. 273 00:09:36,663 --> 00:09:37,838 ...ish. 274 00:09:37,881 --> 00:09:39,100 I love the guy, 275 00:09:39,143 --> 00:09:41,102 but we're aiminga little bit higher than Luke. 276 00:09:41,145 --> 00:09:42,973 Haley, you kind of want your kids to get knocked around a little. 277 00:09:43,017 --> 00:09:44,018 It toughens them up for things 278 00:09:44,061 --> 00:09:45,497 that we all go through in adulthood. 279 00:09:45,541 --> 00:09:47,499 Daddy wins! 280 00:09:47,543 --> 00:09:49,501 Do you believe in miracles?! 281 00:09:49,545 --> 00:09:51,808 USA! US-- 282 00:09:51,852 --> 00:09:52,983 Oh, no! 283 00:09:53,027 --> 00:09:55,638 Oh, geez! 284 00:09:55,682 --> 00:09:57,074 Oh, my -- What was that? 285 00:09:57,118 --> 00:09:57,858 Was that a person that fell --I'm good! 286 00:09:57,901 --> 00:09:58,902 Dad?! 287 00:09:58,946 --> 00:09:59,816 Hey, Dad, think fast. 288 00:10:02,384 --> 00:10:03,603 Aren't you being a little -- 289 00:10:07,041 --> 00:10:08,520 But this isn't an emergen-- 290 00:10:13,264 --> 00:10:15,658 Now it i-i-i-i-is! 291 00:10:15,702 --> 00:10:17,791 I mean, sure, I canno longer taste salt, but -- 292 00:10:17,834 --> 00:10:19,662 I know that they're going to get bumps and bruises, 293 00:10:19,706 --> 00:10:22,360 but I'm talking about psychologicalscars. 294 00:10:22,404 --> 00:10:24,232 I've had some experience with that myself. 295 00:10:24,275 --> 00:10:25,668 Kids: Surpri--Phil: Oh, oh! 296 00:10:25,712 --> 00:10:26,887 No! 297 00:10:26,930 --> 00:10:28,236 Oh! 298 00:10:28,279 --> 00:10:28,889 Claire: No! No! 299 00:10:28,932 --> 00:10:30,064 I'm sorry! 300 00:10:30,107 --> 00:10:31,239 Nothing's happening! 301 00:10:31,282 --> 00:10:32,327 Oh, my God! 302 00:10:32,370 --> 00:10:33,807 It still haunts her. 303 00:10:33,850 --> 00:10:35,809 Not to be weird,but she still won't let me 304 00:10:35,852 --> 00:10:37,680 mention your nameswhile we're making love. 305 00:10:37,724 --> 00:10:38,725 Okay. 306 00:10:38,768 --> 00:10:41,075 Well, well, well. 307 00:10:41,118 --> 00:10:44,121 Yes, well, well, well. 308 00:10:44,165 --> 00:10:46,471 I see your cold is better. 309 00:10:46,515 --> 00:10:48,735 Turns out it was,like, an allergy...thing. 310 00:10:48,778 --> 00:10:50,693 And Pepper's Great Danes? 311 00:10:50,737 --> 00:10:52,695 Oh, uh, well, you know, they're big dogs. 312 00:10:52,739 --> 00:10:54,958 They -- Um, and they don't, uh, uh, live long. 313 00:10:55,002 --> 00:10:56,090 So they're -- 314 00:10:56,133 --> 00:10:57,569 they're dead. 315 00:10:57,613 --> 00:10:59,702 I must look like Frederick Seward 316 00:10:59,746 --> 00:11:01,791 during the Alaska Purchase, 317 00:11:01,835 --> 00:11:04,620 because, apparently, you think that I'll buy anything. 318 00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,100 Gloria, okay, okay. 319 00:11:06,143 --> 00:11:07,754 We're s-- We're sorry -- We're sorry we lied to you, 320 00:11:07,797 --> 00:11:09,843 but if it makes you feel any better, 321 00:11:09,886 --> 00:11:11,714 Longinus took this really great photo of you 322 00:11:11,758 --> 00:11:13,760 at the Shakira concert the night that you missed 323 00:11:13,803 --> 00:11:15,544 Lily's clarinet recital because of pink eye. 324 00:11:15,587 --> 00:11:16,588 Ohh! 325 00:11:17,633 --> 00:11:19,591 I see that you've been waiting 326 00:11:19,635 --> 00:11:20,941 to spring that attack on me, 327 00:11:20,984 --> 00:11:24,205 just like Andrew Jackson in the Battle of New Orleans. 328 00:11:24,248 --> 00:11:25,641 Is this my life now? 329 00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:26,773 I'm gonna use the restroom. 330 00:11:26,816 --> 00:11:29,297 Will someone order the table-side baked potatoes? 331 00:11:29,340 --> 00:11:31,429 I mean, that's half of why you come here -- for the show. 332 00:11:32,996 --> 00:11:35,216 Public restroom, huh? Mm. 333 00:11:35,259 --> 00:11:37,609 Shame he can't go in the privacy of his own car. 334 00:11:37,653 --> 00:11:39,873 It's true. The RVdoes have a bathroom. 335 00:11:39,916 --> 00:11:42,005 And a bolted-down Mr. Coffee, 336 00:11:42,049 --> 00:11:43,964 bear-proof undercarriage food bins. 337 00:11:44,007 --> 00:11:45,792 And how many mileswould you say is on it? 338 00:11:45,835 --> 00:11:46,836 Wait! 339 00:11:47,837 --> 00:11:49,665 You're selling her on Craigslist? 340 00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:51,319 And this isn't even a good picture! 341 00:11:51,362 --> 00:11:52,755 This is her bad side! 342 00:11:52,799 --> 00:11:55,018 Hey, look, I get the value of an RV, Claire. 343 00:11:55,062 --> 00:11:58,587 There is so much natural beauty to explore here in California. 344 00:11:58,630 --> 00:12:00,110 The Golden State! 345 00:12:00,154 --> 00:12:01,851 Are you really trying to get outof moving to Missouri? 346 00:12:01,895 --> 00:12:03,026 No, no! 347 00:12:03,070 --> 00:12:06,813 Sounds like what we need is a Missouri Compromise. 348 00:12:06,856 --> 00:12:09,772 Gloria, are you drugging Grandpa's Potato-tini? 349 00:12:09,816 --> 00:12:11,774 You saw how bent over he is. 350 00:12:11,818 --> 00:12:14,168 For some reason, he's scared of pills, 351 00:12:14,211 --> 00:12:16,213 and I can't watch him suffer anymore. 352 00:12:16,257 --> 00:12:18,955 I hate it when they get cutewith the bathroom signs. 353 00:12:18,999 --> 00:12:21,001 Why would French friesmean ladies 354 00:12:21,044 --> 00:12:22,872 and baked potato gents? 355 00:12:22,916 --> 00:12:24,265 Just throw one of theminto a skirt. 356 00:12:24,308 --> 00:12:26,180 So, uh, Dad, 357 00:12:26,223 --> 00:12:29,052 Gloria says that you won't take pills for your back? 358 00:12:29,096 --> 00:12:30,880 I got to get this from all sides now? 359 00:12:30,924 --> 00:12:33,143 I don't likewhat they do to me, alright? 360 00:12:33,187 --> 00:12:35,450 They make me feel super... 361 00:12:35,493 --> 00:12:37,495 Horny? Constipated? 362 00:12:37,539 --> 00:12:38,975 Emotional. 363 00:12:39,019 --> 00:12:42,065 You know, sometimes you can justride out a pause, buddy. 364 00:12:42,109 --> 00:12:44,372 Anyway, the pain got so bad, I broke down. 365 00:12:44,415 --> 00:12:45,721 I took a couple in the men's room, 366 00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:48,289 which is the maximum dose, so strap in. 367 00:12:48,332 --> 00:12:49,464 N-N-- 368 00:12:50,900 --> 00:12:52,423 You know, I'm gonna miss this place. 369 00:12:53,511 --> 00:12:55,209 Look, Spuddy Holly! 370 00:12:55,252 --> 00:12:56,950 He just about said it all, didn't he? 371 00:12:56,993 --> 00:12:59,517 "Scalloped, fried, lyonnaise. 372 00:12:59,561 --> 00:13:01,955 Spuds' potatoes do amaze." 373 00:13:03,913 --> 00:13:05,610 Four pills? Is he gonna be okay? 374 00:13:05,654 --> 00:13:06,960 He can handle it. 375 00:13:07,003 --> 00:13:08,004 Dad lived throughthe closet scene in the '80s. 376 00:13:08,048 --> 00:13:09,179 So did I. 377 00:13:09,223 --> 00:13:11,573 Oh, my God. He's talking to Lily and Dylan! 378 00:13:12,879 --> 00:13:14,097 I'mDylan. 379 00:13:14,141 --> 00:13:17,100 You know, Randy, you remind me of a young me, 380 00:13:17,144 --> 00:13:19,624 prowling Saigon with a Vietnamese beauty. 381 00:13:19,668 --> 00:13:21,061 There was this one bar I used to --Let's go. 382 00:13:21,104 --> 00:13:22,976 Let's get you some black coffee. 383 00:13:23,019 --> 00:13:25,979 Peekaboo! George! Poppy! 384 00:13:26,022 --> 00:13:27,981 Hello? Is anybody home? 385 00:13:29,460 --> 00:13:31,723 What gives? Mister Napkin usually kills. 386 00:13:31,767 --> 00:13:32,942 Who wanted coffee? 387 00:13:32,986 --> 00:13:34,074 Ah, here! 388 00:13:34,117 --> 00:13:34,988 Ohh!Ohh! 389 00:13:36,119 --> 00:13:37,991 They're laughing!See? They're psychos! 390 00:13:38,034 --> 00:13:40,863 Ay! Sorry, mister. Are you okay? 391 00:13:40,907 --> 00:13:43,866 I actually don't feel anything, which is even more scary. 392 00:13:43,910 --> 00:13:45,955 Don't be scared to feel, buddy. 393 00:13:45,999 --> 00:13:47,565 You could end up running away 394 00:13:47,609 --> 00:13:50,264 from an emotional situationwith your kids, 395 00:13:50,307 --> 00:13:53,136 and those are alwaysthe most rewarding. 396 00:13:53,180 --> 00:13:54,572 You ask me, you're lucky. 397 00:13:54,616 --> 00:13:55,922 She dumped me by text 398 00:13:55,965 --> 00:13:58,011 while making outwith her old boyfriend. 399 00:13:58,054 --> 00:13:59,360 I broke down crying. 400 00:13:59,403 --> 00:14:01,971 My charcoal ran like mascara. 401 00:14:02,015 --> 00:14:04,365 I had to be comfortedby the other team's mascot. 402 00:14:04,408 --> 00:14:05,975 Lucky? 403 00:14:06,019 --> 00:14:07,455 Aw, I'm not gonna lie to you. 404 00:14:07,498 --> 00:14:11,241 It sucks, and sometimes it's got to suck for a while. 405 00:14:11,285 --> 00:14:13,591 I just wish I could say some magic words 406 00:14:13,635 --> 00:14:15,724 or give you a hug, make it all go away. 407 00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:21,034 In a way, he raised me. 408 00:14:21,077 --> 00:14:23,514 Pull yourself together, man! 409 00:14:23,558 --> 00:14:25,255 Phil: Haley, um, 410 00:14:25,299 --> 00:14:28,955 I think what your...chemically humanized grandfather 411 00:14:28,998 --> 00:14:31,566 is trying to say is that kids are built to last. 412 00:14:31,609 --> 00:14:33,133 Sure, they -- they go through stuff, 413 00:14:33,176 --> 00:14:34,961 but they survive, especially when you're around to help. 414 00:14:36,527 --> 00:14:37,964 I miss him. 415 00:14:38,007 --> 00:14:40,053 Yeah. 416 00:14:40,096 --> 00:14:42,490 He wasyour first real boyfriend. 417 00:14:42,533 --> 00:14:45,493 I keep expecting him to show up. 418 00:14:45,536 --> 00:14:48,583 He used to come by at night, and I'd sneak out to see him. 419 00:14:48,626 --> 00:14:49,976 Yeah, I know. 420 00:14:50,019 --> 00:14:51,368 You knew? 421 00:14:51,412 --> 00:14:55,198 His car is 30 years oldand doesn't have a muffler. 422 00:14:55,242 --> 00:14:56,460 And he honked. 423 00:14:58,201 --> 00:15:00,073 I loved that car. 424 00:15:00,116 --> 00:15:01,552 I know it hurts now,sweetheart, 425 00:15:01,596 --> 00:15:05,687 but that's how you know it wasa relationship worth having. 426 00:15:11,345 --> 00:15:13,129 Aw. 427 00:15:13,173 --> 00:15:14,826 Well, what happened? 428 00:15:14,870 --> 00:15:15,740 Did he come back? 429 00:15:15,784 --> 00:15:17,742 That -- 430 00:15:17,786 --> 00:15:19,092 That was you, buddy. 431 00:15:20,049 --> 00:15:21,616 I love this kid. 432 00:15:21,659 --> 00:15:23,226 I remember when he was a baby. 433 00:15:24,445 --> 00:15:26,882 We met my senior year of high school. 434 00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:28,318 Who does everyone think I am? 435 00:15:28,362 --> 00:15:30,451 Jay: You know, it's -- 436 00:15:30,494 --> 00:15:33,541 Thing about babies, you -- you fall in love with a baby 437 00:15:33,584 --> 00:15:35,586 with the cutest little fat folds, 438 00:15:35,630 --> 00:15:37,675 and then -- bam -- they're gone. 439 00:15:37,719 --> 00:15:39,895 But it's okay, because in its place 440 00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:42,202 is this...toddler 441 00:15:42,245 --> 00:15:44,378 with the greatest laugh on Earth. 442 00:15:44,421 --> 00:15:46,771 And then one day, the toddler's gone, 443 00:15:46,815 --> 00:15:48,904 and in its place, a little kid 444 00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:52,908 that asks the most interesting questions you've ever heard. 445 00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:54,562 And this keeps going on like that, 446 00:15:54,605 --> 00:15:57,043 but you never get the chance to miss any of them, 447 00:15:57,086 --> 00:16:00,829 'cause there's always a new kid to take the place of the old. 448 00:16:00,872 --> 00:16:02,222 Until they grow up. 449 00:16:02,265 --> 00:16:05,616 And then...in a moment, 450 00:16:05,660 --> 00:16:09,185 all those kids you fell in love with 451 00:16:09,229 --> 00:16:11,187 walk out the door at the same time. 452 00:16:12,101 --> 00:16:13,276 Jesus. 453 00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:14,625 Oh, I don't mean to be a bummer. 454 00:16:14,669 --> 00:16:17,019 I'm just saying it goes fast. 455 00:16:17,063 --> 00:16:19,456 Like the expression... 456 00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:22,068 "You never know the last time you pick up your kid." 457 00:16:22,111 --> 00:16:23,504 Phil: The point we're making, Haley, 458 00:16:23,547 --> 00:16:25,680 is that it's natural to worry over your kids. 459 00:16:25,723 --> 00:16:27,725 It -- It just means that you love them. 460 00:16:27,769 --> 00:16:30,467 So, I'm always gonna feel likeI screwed them up somehow? 461 00:16:30,511 --> 00:16:32,295 Kind of. 462 00:16:32,339 --> 00:16:34,210 I mean, eventually,you'll be able to laugh at it -- 463 00:16:34,254 --> 00:16:37,431 probably around the time that you're reassuring your own children 464 00:16:37,474 --> 00:16:38,954 that they didn't screw up theirbabies. 465 00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:40,695 Thanks. 466 00:16:40,738 --> 00:16:43,045 No, actually, thank you. 467 00:16:43,089 --> 00:16:45,265 It's nice to know, as parents, that we can still have -- 468 00:16:45,308 --> 00:16:46,309 Dad? 469 00:16:46,353 --> 00:16:48,311 I miss picking up my little girl. 470 00:16:48,355 --> 00:16:50,531 And it won't bethe last time, damn it! 471 00:16:50,574 --> 00:16:52,054 Oh!You wanta piggyback ride, honey? 472 00:16:52,098 --> 00:16:53,229 No. No. No. 473 00:16:53,273 --> 00:16:54,709 You sure?Okay, I'm calling it. 474 00:16:54,752 --> 00:16:55,840 Oh, my gosh! 475 00:16:55,884 --> 00:16:56,928 Okay, this is it! 476 00:16:56,972 --> 00:16:57,886 Uh... 477 00:16:57,929 --> 00:16:59,192 Hello? 478 00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:03,457 The French fries were only okay.Phil: Sorry about that. 479 00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:05,894 Took a minute getting Jay to his car. Mm. 480 00:17:05,937 --> 00:17:08,114 He saw a cloud that looked like his old football coach, 481 00:17:08,157 --> 00:17:10,203 and he didn't want to be alone. Ohh! 482 00:17:10,246 --> 00:17:12,683 Turned out to be kind ofa fun night, huh? Yeah. 483 00:17:12,727 --> 00:17:13,902 Yeah. 484 00:17:13,945 --> 00:17:16,339 By the way... 485 00:17:16,383 --> 00:17:19,168 I got a response to my Craigslist ad. 486 00:17:19,212 --> 00:17:20,996 Oh. Oh, that was fast. 487 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,215 Yeah. 488 00:17:22,258 --> 00:17:23,955 Yeah, really nice couple, 489 00:17:23,999 --> 00:17:25,348 soon to be empty nesters -- 490 00:17:25,392 --> 00:17:28,221 three kids, two new grandkids. 491 00:17:28,264 --> 00:17:30,136 Wife's a little high-strung. 492 00:17:30,179 --> 00:17:31,920 Husband's a bit of an oddball 493 00:17:31,963 --> 00:17:33,791 with an infectious lust for life. 494 00:17:33,835 --> 00:17:35,489 They sound like weirdos.No sale. 495 00:17:35,532 --> 00:17:37,534 Phil, I'm talking about us. 496 00:17:37,578 --> 00:17:38,883 We should keep the RV. 497 00:17:38,927 --> 00:17:40,581 That is amazing. 498 00:17:40,624 --> 00:17:42,800 What changed your mind? 499 00:17:42,844 --> 00:17:46,282 I think it was hearing all those stories tonight. 500 00:17:46,326 --> 00:17:47,718 And the kids'll be gone soon. 501 00:17:47,762 --> 00:17:50,112 We'll probably spend a lot of time on the road. 502 00:17:50,156 --> 00:17:52,941 Might as well do it in the height of luxury -- 503 00:17:52,984 --> 00:17:56,292 with a carpeted bathroom and a four-in-one game table. 504 00:17:56,336 --> 00:17:58,120 You're incredible. Mm. 505 00:17:58,164 --> 00:18:00,122 What did I do to deservea wife cool enough 506 00:18:00,166 --> 00:18:03,212 to let me keep my dad's RVand his newborn parrot? 507 00:18:03,256 --> 00:18:04,170 His newborn what? 508 00:18:04,213 --> 00:18:06,563 Mmmmmwah. 509 00:18:06,607 --> 00:18:08,391 Honey, parrots live like 70 to 8-- Mmmmmm. 510 00:18:14,615 --> 00:18:16,791 That was not the call I was expecting. 511 00:18:16,834 --> 00:18:18,923 Sweetie, I know. 512 00:18:18,967 --> 00:18:21,361 I-I saw the other coachcelebrating on Instagram, 513 00:18:21,404 --> 00:18:23,972 uh, drenching himselfin Gatorade -- in the house. 514 00:18:24,015 --> 00:18:25,930 There was a rug.Who's gonna clean that up? 515 00:18:25,974 --> 00:18:27,497 Not him, I bet. 516 00:18:27,541 --> 00:18:29,934 I'm reading from your facethat you didn't knowuntil I just told you. 517 00:18:29,978 --> 00:18:31,284 Now I'm just talkingout of nerves. 518 00:18:31,327 --> 00:18:32,415 Damn it! I -- 519 00:18:32,459 --> 00:18:34,635 I didn't get it?! 520 00:18:34,678 --> 00:18:38,160 I mean, I know I'm hard to read,but I really wanted that job. 521 00:18:38,204 --> 00:18:40,597 I'm so sorry. C-Come here. 522 00:18:40,641 --> 00:18:42,338 Wait, is that why you were selling California 523 00:18:42,382 --> 00:18:44,035 all night long to me? 524 00:18:44,079 --> 00:18:45,602 Because you wantedto soften the blow when I heard? 525 00:18:45,646 --> 00:18:46,560 Yeah. 526 00:18:46,603 --> 00:18:48,518 Well, that is weirdly sweet. 527 00:18:48,562 --> 00:18:50,346 I'll be there in a second.Okay. 528 00:18:50,390 --> 00:18:54,220 Um...Just wanted to let you know the donkey story killed. 529 00:18:54,263 --> 00:18:55,873 Ha ha! It totally broke the ice. 530 00:18:55,917 --> 00:18:57,179 We've been having so much fun! 531 00:18:57,223 --> 00:18:58,528 Oh, honey! I'm so happy! 532 00:18:58,572 --> 00:18:59,964 Thanks. Me, too. 533 00:19:00,008 --> 00:19:01,836 He asked if I could go outside and get ice cream. 534 00:19:01,879 --> 00:19:02,576 Can I? 535 00:19:02,619 --> 00:19:03,968 O-Of course, yes. 536 00:19:04,012 --> 00:19:06,841 But just make good choices about the toppings. 537 00:19:06,884 --> 00:19:08,799 Don't get sprinkles. They're just wax. 538 00:19:10,801 --> 00:19:13,674 Well, now, there'sa smallvictory at least, right? 539 00:19:13,717 --> 00:19:16,633 First date was a success,and we get an assist. 540 00:19:16,677 --> 00:19:18,418 S-- Uh, sorry -- football term. 541 00:19:18,461 --> 00:19:19,767 Eh, except it isn't. 542 00:19:19,810 --> 00:19:21,421 Uh, by the way, what wasthat phone call you got? 543 00:19:21,464 --> 00:19:24,250 Oh. Uh crazy. 544 00:19:24,293 --> 00:19:25,773 Our adoption agency. 545 00:19:25,816 --> 00:19:27,209 From years ago? 546 00:19:27,253 --> 00:19:30,908 Y-Yeah, apparently, uh, they were migrating the database, 547 00:19:30,952 --> 00:19:34,260 and somehow, our profile got accidentally reactivated and -- 548 00:19:34,303 --> 00:19:35,652 and somebody picked us. 549 00:19:35,696 --> 00:19:37,437 Wait, picked us? 550 00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:39,395 A-As in there-- there's a baby? 551 00:19:39,439 --> 00:19:40,831 I know. Wild, right? 552 00:19:40,875 --> 00:19:42,833 W-Well, you -- you told them no? 553 00:19:42,877 --> 00:19:45,096 Well, it felt wrong until I talked to you about it, 554 00:19:45,140 --> 00:19:47,360 but, yeah, I-I'll -- I will. 555 00:19:47,403 --> 00:19:48,317 I'll tell 'em. 556 00:19:50,101 --> 00:19:51,886 It was really funtelling those stories tonight. 557 00:19:51,929 --> 00:19:53,017 Yeah. 558 00:19:53,061 --> 00:19:54,932 Really puts losing a job in perspective. 559 00:19:54,976 --> 00:19:56,456 You know, none of our best memories 560 00:19:56,499 --> 00:19:59,023 have anything to do with work. 561 00:19:59,067 --> 00:20:01,112 They all have to do with that little girl right out there. 562 00:20:01,156 --> 00:20:03,245 Well, you know,she's not so little anymore. 563 00:20:04,551 --> 00:20:06,901 Oh. Oh, I think we're about tohave a hand-holding moment. 564 00:20:11,949 --> 00:20:13,473 You know, we got pretty good at this parenting thing, 565 00:20:13,516 --> 00:20:14,561 didn't we? 566 00:20:16,867 --> 00:20:18,478 Um... 567 00:20:18,521 --> 00:20:20,958 so, uh, we -- we have totell the agency tonight? 568 00:20:23,134 --> 00:20:27,487 Well, technically, we have 24 hours to, uh...decide. 569 00:20:27,530 --> 00:20:28,270 Okay. 570 00:20:36,322 --> 00:20:37,323 Jay. 571 00:20:37,366 --> 00:20:39,063 I'm sorry. 572 00:20:39,107 --> 00:20:41,283 I will never drug you again. 573 00:20:41,327 --> 00:20:43,677 But it was so nice to see youso open and honest. 574 00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:45,722 Yeah, I was a regular "Honest Abe." 575 00:20:45,766 --> 00:20:46,767 Who's that? 576 00:20:48,464 --> 00:20:51,206 It's probably good to be emotional every now and then. 577 00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:54,905 I should probably practice letting it out without a pill. 578 00:20:54,949 --> 00:20:57,212 Hey, I was proud of you in that show you did. 579 00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:58,300 I love you! 580 00:20:58,344 --> 00:21:00,781 I know. We had this conversationfour times last night. 581 00:21:00,824 --> 00:21:01,999 Really? 582 00:21:02,043 --> 00:21:05,394 Um, maybe you should check your call history. 583 00:21:07,353 --> 00:21:08,528 Oh, no. 584 00:21:09,572 --> 00:21:11,357 Jay: You inspire me. 585 00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:13,184 And I think I'm rude to you sometimes 586 00:21:13,228 --> 00:21:15,099 because I'm scared of that, Phil. 587 00:21:15,143 --> 00:21:16,884 This is a long way of saying 588 00:21:16,927 --> 00:21:20,366 I think I finally have a best friend. 589 00:21:20,409 --> 00:21:21,976 You inspire me. 590 00:21:22,019 --> 00:21:23,369 And I think I'm rude to you somet--