So here we go.
Here is the question that we're going to be working from.
See I need to try
you see if I can
try something
that's too small.
Little bit more.
That's the best that I can do in terms of getting it all on the screen.
All right can you see that.
OK good.
OK everybody I am starting my 20 minute clock.
I'm starting my 20 minute clock right now.
All right so you have 20 minutes to get started in writing and I will stop you in 20 minutes.
So look everybody
you may begin
All right.
So I assume that everybody time is up so I assume that everybody is e-mailing.
I've only got a couple so far so I'll wait a couple more minutes.
OK.
So I this I won't look for yours.
Bessemer so I will go and look for the ones that I could find.
But time's up so I need to pull everybody's things up pull everybody's information up now.
All right.
So give me a minute please.
All right.
So let's take a look at some students papers.
First of all let me say that this person has very good handwriting.
SC before us there are two maps describing the Islip town center.
One map is from this year.
While the second one is a development play and good introduction overall we can see the main comparisons
between the maps first the road is not connecting the park with the school in the south of the map.
From this year I this second paragraph is not really a general overview paragraph.
You're already making comparisons.
Write your second paragraph is supposed to be what are the general things that you see.
Right.
So for me I me get let me talk a little bit more Bill about this.
When we look at these two maps right when we look at these two maps what are that what are the general
things that we see right.
What are some of the general things.
So some of the general things that we see when we look at when we look at the present map and the map
in development we can see that they both have housing.
They both have shops.
They both have a school and they both have a park right.
Those are the things that they both have in common and those are the general things we can see.
They both have in common.
Then when we look at what they have and what they have that are decided what are the new things the
new additions are.
The bus station the shopping center the car park and also some day those are the things that are brand
new and the carriageway.
So those are those are what you would describe as general ideas.
That's what your second paragraph is supposed to be about.
Your second paragraph is not supposed to be about getting into specific comparisons.
Right.
So that's that's what you want to be careful with.
Moving on in the north we can see that they plan to reduce the park in order to complete the road to
the school.
In addition to this they plan to build a car park the shopping center and a bus station with a pedestrian
road.
Right.
So yeah what you're in your third paragraph your third paragraph.
You're not real you're not.
You have to do a little bit more in terms of comparing comparing the two maps together.
Also you're missing a general overview paragraph here.
When you take a look at mine you'll see what I'm talking about.
Right.
I think I think there is some some organization things in terms of how you wrote it that are a little
bit off that you need to work on and improve what your introduction is great.
You're missing a general overview.
Okay but that's really what you're missing is really missing.
You're missing a general overview paragraph.
Right.
So I mean if they were scoring this they might they play might score this roughly like because your
writing is pretty good.
You don't have a lot of grammatical mistakes but at the most is going to be like a six right.
It won't be more than that.
OK.
Because you just have some elements that are missing.
All right.
Let's take a look at a another one.
As we can see there are two maps in front of us that show the center of this small town called slip.
One of them one of the maps show the city as it appears now on the other as it will be developed.
OK pretty good.
Basically this Townson It looks simple but organized.
Well see now now you're making that.
That's the kind of thing.
This right here this is this is something this you can't.
They're not asking you to make this judgment that is or unorganized.
Right.
They're not asking you to put in your opinion that's your opinion that it's an organized OK.
So you're not the noon man seems much more modern and organized.
I don't I mean I would I would avoid.
You're supposed to avoid giving opinions in terms of organized and not organized.
I can possibly see you say something as more simple and more complex.
OK.
That that could be a general or that can be a general overview overview with something simple and still
be organized so you want to avoid or avoid any were any language that ties into personal judgment.
OK.
But I know what you are trying to do.
I know I know I know in that area.
I mean I want to look at yours.
There's your picture is very small I'm going to talk about yours a one moment OK.
I meet you.
I need you to really take it.
Take a picture again or something like that because see you look when I look at yours this is yours.
I can't I can't show you what yours looks like.
Yours is like this.
You took a picture and the camera is at a bad angle.
I can't really
I can't really read it right.
You've got to give me a better picture than that.
I can't really read that the way you know the angle that you took the picture yet.
That's the problem starting with the math that describes is that town center.
Nowadays it shows a detail planning of the center facilities a vertical range with starting with countryside
and north moving to the right.
So again everybody.
You gotta make comparisons.
Third and Fourth paragraphs are comparison what you did here.
My friend is you.
You took one paragraph.
You're just are telling me what I can see for the present day or for the present day for the present
day math.
In the end you were about to move down to a fourth paragraph and tell me what I can see for the modern
day man.
That's not making comparisons right.
They want you to be able to compare details compare what you see compare how it changed between the
two.
You have to make those comparisons OK.
And again I'm going to show you mine so you can see what I'm talking about in terms of structure intro
intro paragraph general paragraph comparison paragraph comparison paragraph because I think when you
see the comparison then you'll be able to know what I'm talking about.
OK one moment I want to try and fool this.
Other students document the person who wrote this one here that I'm looking at now on the screen is
it.
Do you have any questions about what about what I just said about yours or do you have any questions
about what you did.
Maybe maybe it will be more clear for you when you take a look at my right but this was not finished
also.
That's that's a problem that's going to hurt your score.
You've got to be able to finish in 20 minutes.
All right.
That's Missy Kapoor this other one.
That's a little better OK.
Or by one moment I'm pulling up this one that was sent to me again.
One moment one moment one moment
see if I can find it where I just saved it.
OK.
Got better.
OK.
So take a look.
Map showed above shops
map showed above shows us the town in present time and the plans were available in future.
I saw you in that first pair.
You got to be careful because you're missing articles right.
The map the map shown.
Also your your verb tenses the map shown S H O W E and the map shown above shows us the town in present
time and the plans for development in the future in the future.
Currently the town has all the amenities of facilities which a town should have.
Again we want to avoid judgment we're not.
Your language right there has facilities which a town should have that doesn't belong.
Right.
That doesn't belong that language does not belong.
However is not connected to each other so to commute better on.
No no no no no no.
No you know you're adding this whole this whole second paragraph as your opinion.
Ryan's not connected to each other so.
So the commute better.
All the necessary facilities should be connected to each other.
That's not a task one right.
Task 1 is not.
You're giving judgment and opinion and making recommendations.
I've said it before.
Task number one is purely purely factual it is factual factual factual when you want it when I show
you my example you're going to see what I'm talking about in terms of it being factual art I mean look
at the next paragraph.
But that second paragraph you can't do that is towns that are now has 16 shops which is divided by a
road theory it need a capitalization there everybody understands a lot of times you guys don't care
about capitalization and things like that.
If you if you don't capitalize a when I look at look at that as a big mistake not a little mistake you
guys think it's a little mistake to a greater is a big mistake because this is basic English that you're
making a mistake.
It has a park a school and two housing societies.
By looking at the current map school the park are not connected in any way.
No.
All right.
The first the first sentence was was was was OK but then you start again making recommendations.
That's not what you're supposed to do.
Now the city will get a new shopping center too.
And also you had the same problem as a student before you took one paragraph.
You talking about one map there you have another paragraph make direct comparison.
Right.
If you can if you can make direct comparisons do that
see this stuff here.
This last paragraph is actually OK but you got to take out your opinion and your your.
You have to take out sure that you can never do what was in his last sentence.
We can read depart quickly from the school for we don't know that we don't know that which would be
good news for the kids.
We don't know that we don't have any information.
All right.
So do you understand what I'm saying is this they are to say what I'm saying you can't add in that kind
of stuff.
All right.
Now I will show you mine.
I made it too small.
Now hold on.
No no.
It gets us more
sizing is on.
All right so you can take a look at mine.
I want to split I want to split the screen for you.
Hold on if I can.
And you can look at it side by side.
But something happened.
It's too small.
For some reason I don't know what happened.
Maybe when I was opening up everybody else's information it changed my sizing was a little bit better.
A local
ME ONE MORE.
Get it right.
Say
no that's too much.
Sorry buddy I'm playing with this.
Trying to.