WEBVTT 00:01.470 --> 00:02.600 So here we go. 00:02.600 --> 00:21.250 Here is the question that we're going to be working from. 00:21.430 --> 00:23.240 See I need to try 00:26.700 --> 00:28.120 you see if I can 00:40.300 --> 00:41.220 try something 01:02.190 --> 01:03.430 that's too small. 01:21.230 --> 01:27.330 Little bit more. 01:27.470 --> 01:31.900 That's the best that I can do in terms of getting it all on the screen. 01:31.930 --> 01:33.360 All right can you see that. 01:40.230 --> 01:41.200 OK good. 01:42.230 --> 01:46.520 OK everybody I am starting my 20 minute clock. 01:46.880 --> 01:49.740 I'm starting my 20 minute clock right now. 01:50.610 --> 01:55.420 All right so you have 20 minutes to get started in writing and I will stop you in 20 minutes. 01:55.420 --> 01:56.550 So look everybody 01:59.460 --> 02:00.330 you may begin 02:59.770 --> 03:02.060 All right. 03:02.250 --> 03:07.720 So I assume that everybody time is up so I assume that everybody is e-mailing. 03:07.830 --> 03:12.820 I've only got a couple so far so I'll wait a couple more minutes. 03:14.860 --> 03:15.350 OK. 03:15.360 --> 03:17.660 So I this I won't look for yours. 03:17.670 --> 03:22.670 Bessemer so I will go and look for the ones that I could find. 03:23.010 --> 03:27.260 But time's up so I need to pull everybody's things up pull everybody's information up now. 03:27.260 --> 03:27.620 All right. 03:27.620 --> 03:29.570 So give me a minute please. 03:32.810 --> 03:33.350 All right. 03:33.350 --> 03:41.950 So let's take a look at some students papers. 03:42.590 --> 03:48.230 First of all let me say that this person has very good handwriting. 03:49.690 --> 03:55.490 SC before us there are two maps describing the Islip town center. 03:55.750 --> 03:57.130 One map is from this year. 03:57.160 --> 04:03.280 While the second one is a development play and good introduction overall we can see the main comparisons 04:03.280 --> 04:12.410 between the maps first the road is not connecting the park with the school in the south of the map. 04:12.430 --> 04:18.380 From this year I this second paragraph is not really a general overview paragraph. 04:18.420 --> 04:21.030 You're already making comparisons. 04:21.030 --> 04:26.750 Write your second paragraph is supposed to be what are the general things that you see. 04:26.960 --> 04:27.260 Right. 04:27.260 --> 04:31.910 So for me I me get let me talk a little bit more Bill about this. 04:32.150 --> 04:38.150 When we look at these two maps right when we look at these two maps what are that what are the general 04:38.150 --> 04:40.690 things that we see right. 04:40.690 --> 04:41.830 What are some of the general things. 04:41.830 --> 04:46.630 So some of the general things that we see when we look at when we look at the present map and the map 04:46.630 --> 04:51.320 in development we can see that they both have housing. 04:51.610 --> 04:54.730 They both have shops. 04:54.880 --> 04:59.430 They both have a school and they both have a park right. 04:59.440 --> 05:03.100 Those are the things that they both have in common and those are the general things we can see. 05:03.100 --> 05:05.440 They both have in common. 05:05.650 --> 05:12.430 Then when we look at what they have and what they have that are decided what are the new things the 05:12.430 --> 05:13.540 new additions are. 05:13.540 --> 05:21.460 The bus station the shopping center the car park and also some day those are the things that are brand 05:21.460 --> 05:23.620 new and the carriageway. 05:23.650 --> 05:27.310 So those are those are what you would describe as general ideas. 05:27.310 --> 05:30.910 That's what your second paragraph is supposed to be about. 05:30.910 --> 05:38.810 Your second paragraph is not supposed to be about getting into specific comparisons. 05:38.930 --> 05:39.290 Right. 05:39.290 --> 05:43.380 So that's that's what you want to be careful with. 05:43.820 --> 05:51.500 Moving on in the north we can see that they plan to reduce the park in order to complete the road to 05:51.500 --> 05:52.630 the school. 05:53.620 --> 05:59.170 In addition to this they plan to build a car park the shopping center and a bus station with a pedestrian 05:59.170 --> 06:00.320 road. 06:01.030 --> 06:01.410 Right. 06:01.410 --> 06:12.280 So yeah what you're in your third paragraph your third paragraph. 06:12.470 --> 06:13.520 You're not real you're not. 06:13.520 --> 06:20.570 You have to do a little bit more in terms of comparing comparing the two maps together. 06:20.660 --> 06:24.510 Also you're missing a general overview paragraph here. 06:24.650 --> 06:27.440 When you take a look at mine you'll see what I'm talking about. 06:27.530 --> 06:27.750 Right. 06:27.760 --> 06:32.420 I think I think there is some some organization things in terms of how you wrote it that are a little 06:32.420 --> 06:37.340 bit off that you need to work on and improve what your introduction is great. 06:39.860 --> 06:41.760 You're missing a general overview. 06:43.510 --> 06:46.380 Okay but that's really what you're missing is really missing. 06:46.450 --> 06:50.890 You're missing a general overview paragraph. 06:51.070 --> 06:51.610 Right. 06:51.750 --> 06:58.670 So I mean if they were scoring this they might they play might score this roughly like because your 06:58.670 --> 06:59.660 writing is pretty good. 06:59.660 --> 07:06.060 You don't have a lot of grammatical mistakes but at the most is going to be like a six right. 07:06.080 --> 07:07.490 It won't be more than that. 07:08.680 --> 07:09.010 OK. 07:09.020 --> 07:11.510 Because you just have some elements that are missing. 07:21.120 --> 07:21.490 All right. 07:21.570 --> 07:25.070 Let's take a look at a another one. 07:31.370 --> 07:37.070 As we can see there are two maps in front of us that show the center of this small town called slip. 07:37.130 --> 07:43.210 One of them one of the maps show the city as it appears now on the other as it will be developed. 07:43.250 --> 07:44.720 OK pretty good. 07:46.950 --> 07:52.510 Basically this Townson It looks simple but organized. 07:52.950 --> 07:54.720 Well see now now you're making that. 07:54.750 --> 07:55.740 That's the kind of thing. 07:55.740 --> 07:59.820 This right here this is this is something this you can't. 07:59.820 --> 08:04.100 They're not asking you to make this judgment that is or unorganized. 08:04.850 --> 08:05.190 Right. 08:05.190 --> 08:11.090 They're not asking you to put in your opinion that's your opinion that it's an organized OK. 08:11.760 --> 08:17.400 So you're not the noon man seems much more modern and organized. 08:18.380 --> 08:20.900 I don't I mean I would I would avoid. 08:20.900 --> 08:26.830 You're supposed to avoid giving opinions in terms of organized and not organized. 08:27.020 --> 08:31.920 I can possibly see you say something as more simple and more complex. 08:32.080 --> 08:32.390 OK. 08:32.390 --> 08:36.920 That that could be a general or that can be a general overview overview with something simple and still 08:36.920 --> 08:43.650 be organized so you want to avoid or avoid any were any language that ties into personal judgment. 08:43.820 --> 08:45.050 OK. 08:45.590 --> 08:47.110 But I know what you are trying to do. 08:47.120 --> 08:51.270 I know I know I know in that area. 08:51.290 --> 08:52.910 I mean I want to look at yours. 08:53.040 --> 08:56.850 There's your picture is very small I'm going to talk about yours a one moment OK. 09:00.960 --> 09:02.240 I meet you. 09:02.400 --> 09:05.180 I need you to really take it. 09:05.280 --> 09:11.000 Take a picture again or something like that because see you look when I look at yours this is yours. 09:11.010 --> 09:13.940 I can't I can't show you what yours looks like. 09:15.990 --> 09:19.390 Yours is like this. 09:19.560 --> 09:26.530 You took a picture and the camera is at a bad angle. 09:28.660 --> 09:29.870 I can't really 09:34.620 --> 09:36.820 I can't really read it right. 09:36.930 --> 09:39.630 You've got to give me a better picture than that. 09:39.720 --> 09:44.280 I can't really read that the way you know the angle that you took the picture yet. 09:44.520 --> 09:50.070 That's the problem starting with the math that describes is that town center. 09:50.100 --> 09:56.280 Nowadays it shows a detail planning of the center facilities a vertical range with starting with countryside 09:56.310 --> 09:58.170 and north moving to the right. 09:58.170 --> 10:00.510 So again everybody. 10:00.810 --> 10:03.930 You gotta make comparisons. 10:03.930 --> 10:08.310 Third and Fourth paragraphs are comparison what you did here. 10:08.310 --> 10:10.660 My friend is you. 10:10.680 --> 10:12.750 You took one paragraph. 10:13.010 --> 10:20.790 You're just are telling me what I can see for the present day or for the present day for the present 10:20.790 --> 10:21.360 day math. 10:21.380 --> 10:28.230 In the end you were about to move down to a fourth paragraph and tell me what I can see for the modern 10:28.230 --> 10:28.870 day man. 10:29.810 --> 10:33.730 That's not making comparisons right. 10:33.810 --> 10:40.050 They want you to be able to compare details compare what you see compare how it changed between the 10:40.050 --> 10:40.430 two. 10:40.440 --> 10:45.900 You have to make those comparisons OK. 10:46.290 --> 10:53.400 And again I'm going to show you mine so you can see what I'm talking about in terms of structure intro 10:53.490 --> 11:00.960 intro paragraph general paragraph comparison paragraph comparison paragraph because I think when you 11:00.960 --> 11:04.850 see the comparison then you'll be able to know what I'm talking about. 11:04.890 --> 11:08.450 OK one moment I want to try and fool this. 11:08.460 --> 11:16.140 Other students document the person who wrote this one here that I'm looking at now on the screen is 11:16.140 --> 11:16.230 it. 11:16.230 --> 11:21.180 Do you have any questions about what about what I just said about yours or do you have any questions 11:21.180 --> 11:22.530 about what you did. 11:22.770 --> 11:29.400 Maybe maybe it will be more clear for you when you take a look at my right but this was not finished 11:29.400 --> 11:30.030 also. 11:30.090 --> 11:32.820 That's that's a problem that's going to hurt your score. 11:32.820 --> 11:37.490 You've got to be able to finish in 20 minutes. 11:37.910 --> 11:38.260 All right. 11:38.280 --> 11:41.870 That's Missy Kapoor this other one. 11:48.790 --> 11:50.400 That's a little better OK. 12:03.690 --> 12:08.720 Or by one moment I'm pulling up this one that was sent to me again. 12:20.040 --> 12:22.530 One moment one moment one moment 12:44.770 --> 12:49.150 see if I can find it where I just saved it. 12:49.710 --> 12:50.420 OK. 12:55.580 --> 12:59.650 Got better. 13:00.600 --> 13:01.070 OK. 13:01.070 --> 13:02.490 So take a look. 13:02.490 --> 13:05.120 Map showed above shops 13:10.340 --> 13:19.850 map showed above shows us the town in present time and the plans were available in future. 13:19.970 --> 13:21.370 I saw you in that first pair. 13:21.420 --> 13:25.450 You got to be careful because you're missing articles right. 13:25.450 --> 13:28.390 The map the map shown. 13:28.750 --> 13:38.650 Also your your verb tenses the map shown S H O W E and the map shown above shows us the town in present 13:38.650 --> 13:43.620 time and the plans for development in the future in the future. 13:44.170 --> 13:49.630 Currently the town has all the amenities of facilities which a town should have. 13:49.630 --> 13:52.980 Again we want to avoid judgment we're not. 13:53.110 --> 13:59.150 Your language right there has facilities which a town should have that doesn't belong. 14:00.820 --> 14:01.430 Right. 14:01.470 --> 14:04.610 That doesn't belong that language does not belong. 14:06.030 --> 14:10.250 However is not connected to each other so to commute better on. 14:10.260 --> 14:12.580 No no no no no no. 14:14.240 --> 14:18.680 No you know you're adding this whole this whole second paragraph as your opinion. 14:19.980 --> 14:22.610 Ryan's not connected to each other so. 14:23.070 --> 14:24.390 So the commute better. 14:24.390 --> 14:27.000 All the necessary facilities should be connected to each other. 14:27.180 --> 14:30.220 That's not a task one right. 14:30.290 --> 14:31.700 Task 1 is not. 14:31.700 --> 14:35.660 You're giving judgment and opinion and making recommendations. 14:35.660 --> 14:36.950 I've said it before. 14:36.950 --> 14:45.480 Task number one is purely purely factual it is factual factual factual when you want it when I show 14:45.480 --> 14:51.080 you my example you're going to see what I'm talking about in terms of it being factual art I mean look 14:51.080 --> 14:52.320 at the next paragraph. 14:52.590 --> 14:59.730 But that second paragraph you can't do that is towns that are now has 16 shops which is divided by a 14:59.730 --> 15:10.440 road theory it need a capitalization there everybody understands a lot of times you guys don't care 15:10.440 --> 15:12.310 about capitalization and things like that. 15:12.310 --> 15:18.450 If you if you don't capitalize a when I look at look at that as a big mistake not a little mistake you 15:18.450 --> 15:24.510 guys think it's a little mistake to a greater is a big mistake because this is basic English that you're 15:24.510 --> 15:25.700 making a mistake. 15:26.770 --> 15:29.640 It has a park a school and two housing societies. 15:29.650 --> 15:33.230 By looking at the current map school the park are not connected in any way. 15:33.520 --> 15:34.520 No. 15:35.060 --> 15:35.360 All right. 15:35.380 --> 15:41.980 The first the first sentence was was was was OK but then you start again making recommendations. 15:41.980 --> 15:43.870 That's not what you're supposed to do. 15:48.700 --> 15:51.470 Now the city will get a new shopping center too. 15:51.660 --> 15:56.760 And also you had the same problem as a student before you took one paragraph. 15:56.760 --> 16:02.600 You talking about one map there you have another paragraph make direct comparison. 16:03.320 --> 16:03.600 Right. 16:03.600 --> 16:07.010 If you can if you can make direct comparisons do that 16:13.520 --> 16:15.050 see this stuff here. 16:15.070 --> 16:20.210 This last paragraph is actually OK but you got to take out your opinion and your your. 16:20.280 --> 16:24.530 You have to take out sure that you can never do what was in his last sentence. 16:24.700 --> 16:32.800 We can read depart quickly from the school for we don't know that we don't know that which would be 16:32.800 --> 16:34.400 good news for the kids. 16:34.420 --> 16:37.740 We don't know that we don't have any information. 16:37.750 --> 16:38.210 All right. 16:38.260 --> 16:45.050 So do you understand what I'm saying is this they are to say what I'm saying you can't add in that kind 16:45.050 --> 16:47.320 of stuff. 16:47.320 --> 16:48.240 All right. 16:48.410 --> 16:54.170 Now I will show you mine. 17:00.040 --> 17:01.450 I made it too small. 17:01.440 --> 17:11.100 Now hold on. 17:11.230 --> 17:12.280 No no. 17:12.390 --> 17:13.600 It gets us more 17:16.440 --> 17:24.420 sizing is on. 17:24.970 --> 17:27.230 All right so you can take a look at mine. 17:27.260 --> 17:29.950 I want to split I want to split the screen for you. 17:29.960 --> 17:31.610 Hold on if I can. 17:32.940 --> 17:35.180 And you can look at it side by side. 17:36.720 --> 17:39.070 But something happened. 17:52.070 --> 17:53.920 It's too small. 17:53.920 --> 17:58.980 For some reason I don't know what happened. 17:59.920 --> 18:06.880 Maybe when I was opening up everybody else's information it changed my sizing was a little bit better. 18:12.360 --> 18:13.040 A local 18:16.040 --> 18:18.130 ME ONE MORE. 18:18.700 --> 18:20.140 Get it right. 18:23.620 --> 18:24.100 Say 18:27.370 --> 18:31.430 no that's too much. 18:31.440 --> 18:33.340 Sorry buddy I'm playing with this. 18:33.360 --> 18:33.780 Trying to.