1
00:00:00,413 --> 00:00:02,853
There was a bank job.
I read about it on the radio.
2
00:00:03,973 --> 00:00:06,993
Don't tell me he's dead. Is he dead?
3
00:00:07,116 --> 00:00:10,076
Yes. Ah! I said don't tell me!
4
00:00:10,156 --> 00:00:11,056
I'm going undercover.
5
00:00:11,112 --> 00:00:13,051
Looks like I'm
about to make a new friend.
6
00:00:13,116 --> 00:00:14,346
I'm not on Facebook.
7
00:00:14,347 --> 00:00:16,306
I look forward
to us working together.
8
00:00:16,307 --> 00:00:19,176
That hand killed my wife.
Actually that was this hand.
9
00:00:19,376 --> 00:00:22,876
I need an extra pair of hands
on a job that's coming up.
10
00:00:22,896 --> 00:00:25,276
No, the Big Man said we're not
meant to... I said shut it!
11
00:00:25,277 --> 00:00:25,996
Eat your lolly.
12
00:00:26,025 --> 00:00:29,464
We must have sex on here now.
I don't want to hear this.
13
00:00:29,465 --> 00:00:32,344
Mr Macratty say museum job
very shocking and important.
14
00:00:32,345 --> 00:00:35,385
You am help me?
I am help you. Thank you.
15
00:00:36,749 --> 00:01:01,173
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
16
00:01:23,265 --> 00:01:24,984
Surely, when you're a
police officer,
17
00:01:24,985 --> 00:01:28,185
you don't have sex
when you're undercover.
18
00:01:28,285 --> 00:01:30,765
Or if you do,
you stick to missionary.
19
00:01:30,766 --> 00:01:32,825
Officers are just people.
20
00:01:33,025 --> 00:01:36,765
Take me. When the public look at me,
they see an ambitious,
21
00:01:36,770 --> 00:01:37,809
confident woman,
22
00:01:37,889 --> 00:01:40,369
destined to rule over millions.
23
00:01:40,449 --> 00:01:42,049
What they don't see is
24
00:01:42,229 --> 00:01:45,429
the frightened little girl
behind the politician.
25
00:01:46,989 --> 00:01:51,459
Jenny, go to bed, me and the nice
police lady are going to have sex.
26
00:01:51,460 --> 00:01:53,409
What?! I didn't come here for that.
27
00:01:53,609 --> 00:01:55,169
We both know that's not true.
28
00:02:07,329 --> 00:02:11,689
We can't do this.
29
00:03:04,609 --> 00:03:08,448
Don't forget, this week it's
Help a Blameless Child, your chance
30
00:03:08,449 --> 00:03:10,089
to help a kiddiewink in need.
31
00:03:10,090 --> 00:03:14,528
They really do need your help,
so please tune in this Friday.
32
00:03:14,529 --> 00:03:17,869
Macratty's been getting inside
information on these bank jobs.
33
00:03:17,889 --> 00:03:20,928
Now, he's got a new plan.
A bigger plan.
34
00:03:20,929 --> 00:03:23,779
That's why this is a two-parter.
But why the museum?
35
00:03:23,780 --> 00:03:26,529
Whatever that's about,
it's incredibly important.
36
00:03:26,709 --> 00:03:28,849
I've got to stay in there,
stay close to Macratty,
37
00:03:28,929 --> 00:03:30,309
keep on top of those
people around him,
38
00:03:30,310 --> 00:03:33,389
keep pumping, pumping, pumping,
till something comes up.
39
00:03:33,409 --> 00:03:36,609
Like Katya? Yes, I like Katya.
But not the way you're thinking.
40
00:03:36,610 --> 00:03:39,969
I thought sex was a fragile,
precious thing to you.
41
00:03:40,149 --> 00:03:42,629
That's what you used to shout
when you were doing me from behind.
42
00:03:42,689 --> 00:03:46,689
At least now I know the truth. You
just ejaculate blankly and move on.
43
00:03:46,789 --> 00:03:48,369
You're no better than
Iain Duncan Smith.
44
00:03:48,449 --> 00:03:51,809
I didn't do anything with Katya!
I've got to stay undercover.
45
00:03:51,810 --> 00:03:53,889
We just pretended to have sex.
46
00:03:54,069 --> 00:03:55,789
Yeah, look at that nice bum.
47
00:03:56,929 --> 00:03:59,509
You like bum and also buttock.
48
00:03:59,529 --> 00:04:02,688
We had to, Macratty was listening
outside, we had to be
49
00:04:02,689 --> 00:04:07,008
completely convincing so Macratty
wouldn't guess what we were up to.
50
00:04:07,009 --> 00:04:09,349
Oh!
51
00:04:09,389 --> 00:04:11,569
Yeah, put your clothes on now,
52
00:04:11,849 --> 00:04:15,168
while I mop my enormous penis clean.
53
00:04:15,169 --> 00:04:19,049
Dammit! I'm this close!
Down. Better? Get down!
54
00:04:22,369 --> 00:04:25,249
Hello, hello, hello...
55
00:04:26,889 --> 00:04:28,389
Enjoying your water, Miss Piggy?
56
00:04:28,449 --> 00:04:32,069
I'm trying to eat. You should try
the breakfast. I hear it's great.
57
00:04:32,769 --> 00:04:34,689
How's yours, pal?
58
00:04:36,589 --> 00:04:39,488
It's not what you think!
I'm my twin brother.
59
00:04:39,489 --> 00:04:41,089
He'll blow my cover, come on!
60
00:04:45,069 --> 00:04:47,888
Oh! Help a blameless... Oh!
61
00:04:47,889 --> 00:04:50,029
Help a... oh!
62
00:05:01,089 --> 00:05:02,679
Macratty, it's Tumbler!
63
00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:05,549
Coppaire's a copper.
He's calling Macratty, Jack!
64
00:05:05,550 --> 00:05:07,209
Do you hear me? A copper!
65
00:05:10,049 --> 00:05:13,728
A pig, a snout, a filth,
a fuzz, a policeman!
66
00:05:13,729 --> 00:05:15,939
Probably got the hat
and everything.
67
00:05:15,940 --> 00:05:17,709
The moment you hear this,
have him killed.
68
00:05:21,129 --> 00:05:25,069
All right? All right.
69
00:05:25,449 --> 00:05:28,649
Come on, Tumbler!
We know where you are. Shit!
70
00:05:28,650 --> 00:05:32,249
Police! Oldman! Old Man!
71
00:05:42,189 --> 00:05:44,129
Drop it!
72
00:05:47,649 --> 00:05:49,389
Still drop it!
73
00:05:51,329 --> 00:05:52,589
I hope you like mortuary food.
74
00:06:14,209 --> 00:06:15,629
Jesus H Bomb.
75
00:06:17,329 --> 00:06:19,529
What kind of monster would do that?
76
00:06:29,409 --> 00:06:30,749
Five of kings.
77
00:06:34,469 --> 00:06:35,809
That is impressive.
78
00:06:37,349 --> 00:06:40,329
And here's me with nothing more
than the 13 of cocks.
79
00:06:48,229 --> 00:06:49,888
Nigel, scotch.
80
00:06:49,889 --> 00:06:53,829
Me not got no more scotch!
Me's only got Dutch whiskey.
81
00:06:53,869 --> 00:06:56,929
Scotch. Office. You. Get.
82
00:07:20,321 --> 00:07:23,161
Did we ever officially
identify this poor soul?
83
00:07:23,195 --> 00:07:28,554
Yes, but it wasn't easy. His DNA was
crushed beyond all recognition.
84
00:07:28,555 --> 00:07:29,995
Just like your career prospects.
85
00:07:30,075 --> 00:07:32,635
If we hadn't stopped him,
the case would never be closed.
86
00:07:32,655 --> 00:07:33,875
Just like your legs.
87
00:07:33,876 --> 00:07:37,234
Bloke-bird. Jezebel. Fucker. Tit.
88
00:07:37,235 --> 00:07:41,335
Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer
my suspects 100% less killed.
89
00:07:43,075 --> 00:07:45,295
This operation had better
be going somewhere.
90
00:07:45,475 --> 00:07:48,165
Macratty's planning a heist
for someone called The Big Man.
91
00:07:48,166 --> 00:07:50,414
We need to stick to him
like pubes on soap.
92
00:07:50,415 --> 00:07:53,295
We've already got enough to have
Macratty sent down for weeks,
93
00:07:53,475 --> 00:07:55,535
maybe even fortnights. You had no
permission to run this wire.
94
00:07:55,735 --> 00:07:59,235
Your "evidence" has broken every
rule in the book. Habeas corpus.
95
00:07:59,255 --> 00:08:02,894
Sanguis bibimus. Agnus Dei-ton.
File this under "shreds".
96
00:08:02,895 --> 00:08:04,655
But... You went against a
direct order.
97
00:08:04,835 --> 00:08:08,655
And Cloth's forgotten which side
he's on. Pull him off the case.
98
00:08:08,775 --> 00:08:10,354
He's already fingered Macratty.
99
00:08:10,355 --> 00:08:12,174
I don't care if he's fingered
Condoleezza Rice,
100
00:08:12,175 --> 00:08:13,615
I said pull him off.
101
00:08:15,255 --> 00:08:17,335
Or do I have to go next door
and pull him off myself?!
102
00:08:17,336 --> 00:08:19,535
Be the first hands-on police work
YOU'VE ever done.
103
00:08:19,715 --> 00:08:23,615
I see your subtle undercover
operation continues apace.
104
00:08:23,695 --> 00:08:26,575
You made so much mess
it showed up on Google Earth.
105
00:08:26,755 --> 00:08:29,234
You were off the chart back there.
Away with the fairies.
106
00:08:29,235 --> 00:08:30,254
Out of Africa. On the buses.
107
00:08:30,255 --> 00:08:34,435
I can't stop now, I am THIS close
to forgetting which side I'm on.
108
00:08:34,455 --> 00:08:38,794
It's over. Finito, what the
Norwegians call Feenee-toss.
109
00:08:38,795 --> 00:08:41,895
If I get so much of a whiff
that you're still pursuing this,
110
00:08:41,915 --> 00:08:44,875
I'll find the staff rota and
have you cut from the same. But...
111
00:08:44,975 --> 00:08:47,055
CUT from the same, Cloth!
112
00:08:53,095 --> 00:08:55,995
He can't shut us down.
I'm THAT close.
113
00:08:56,015 --> 00:08:57,635
I can't keep covering for you, Jack.
114
00:08:57,636 --> 00:08:59,935
First the tuck shop heroin,
now this.
115
00:09:00,015 --> 00:09:02,735
Boys down the station think you've
forgotten which side you're on.
116
00:09:02,935 --> 00:09:04,455
That's not true and you know it.
117
00:09:10,095 --> 00:09:13,455
Jack Coppaire.
Jack, we need to have a chat.
118
00:09:13,535 --> 00:09:15,434
Things we need to discuss.
119
00:09:15,435 --> 00:09:17,635
I'll be right there. Good.
120
00:09:22,235 --> 00:09:24,515
So, what's up?
You heard about Tumbler?
121
00:09:24,535 --> 00:09:26,735
What about him?
He got killed...
122
00:09:26,915 --> 00:09:29,374
19 minutes ago.
123
00:09:29,375 --> 00:09:33,555
Someone put a bulldozer through
his head. You found out quickly.
124
00:09:33,615 --> 00:09:37,535
It's trending on Twitter.
What would you know about that?
125
00:09:37,615 --> 00:09:40,675
It's a social networking service
that lets celebrities
126
00:09:40,695 --> 00:09:42,095
communicate with sycophants.
127
00:09:42,295 --> 00:09:46,795
And Tumbler? Dunno, does he have an
account? Not now he's dead.
128
00:09:46,895 --> 00:09:50,994
How do you think that happened?
Maybe he got sloppy.
129
00:09:50,995 --> 00:09:54,735
So sloppy they had to sluice him
off the ground with a hose.
130
00:09:54,935 --> 00:09:57,415
Where were you when this was
going on?
131
00:09:57,455 --> 00:09:59,534
I had some unfinished...
132
00:09:59,535 --> 00:10:01,275
shopping.
133
00:10:01,295 --> 00:10:02,375
Give him a seat.
134
00:10:07,255 --> 00:10:09,614
Know what I think?
You're a stool pigeon.
135
00:10:09,615 --> 00:10:13,095
A snake. A seat pig. A bench rat.
A shit bull!
136
00:10:13,115 --> 00:10:16,475
Two shitbulls barking up a piss-pipe
with the word 'copper'
137
00:10:16,476 --> 00:10:18,295
on top in big police
coloured writing.
138
00:10:18,296 --> 00:10:21,575
Maybe - but I'm NOT a cop. Slap him.
139
00:10:25,355 --> 00:10:26,735
Give me one good reason
140
00:10:26,935 --> 00:10:28,654
why I shouldn't blow your brains
out right now.
141
00:10:28,655 --> 00:10:30,735
They'll stain your lair.
Tickle him.
142
00:10:35,695 --> 00:10:37,615
You disappoint me, Jack. I told you.
143
00:10:37,795 --> 00:10:42,095
I'm not a cop. Ask me how much
I like doing crime, out of ten.
144
00:10:42,096 --> 00:10:45,315
You'd be surprised. Why don't we put
that to the test?
145
00:10:46,595 --> 00:10:47,535
Bring him in.
146
00:10:51,335 --> 00:10:54,415
This is Twitch. Twitch let me down,
didn't you, Twitch?
147
00:10:54,615 --> 00:10:57,015
Got trigger-happy in a bank,
shot a former EastEnder.
148
00:10:58,315 --> 00:11:00,575
Shoot him. What?
149
00:11:00,655 --> 00:11:02,275
Shoot him in the head.
150
00:11:15,795 --> 00:11:17,395
What you waiting for?
151
00:11:32,081 --> 00:11:33,821
Come on.
152
00:11:37,488 --> 00:11:38,531
Do it.
153
00:11:38,952 --> 00:11:40,392
Do it for me!
154
00:11:43,412 --> 00:11:45,192
Do it.
155
00:11:59,827 --> 00:12:02,067
You didn't think I'd hand you
a loaded gun, did you?
156
00:12:04,887 --> 00:12:06,727
This one, on the other hand...
157
00:12:23,827 --> 00:12:26,047
At least we know you're not
a policeman.
158
00:12:26,048 --> 00:12:29,037
A pig wouldn't have been able
to pull the trigger.
159
00:12:29,038 --> 00:12:30,347
Because pigs have trotters.
160
00:12:42,067 --> 00:12:44,147
Anyway.
161
00:12:44,327 --> 00:12:47,567
Now we're a man short for the
museum job. Need some new muscle.
162
00:12:47,647 --> 00:12:48,507
Someone smart.
163
00:12:50,927 --> 00:12:54,146
Know anyone with
brains I can stomach?
164
00:12:54,147 --> 00:12:55,607
I'll chew it over.
165
00:12:55,667 --> 00:12:56,947
You do that.
166
00:13:03,047 --> 00:13:07,327
Ours is a proud city,
a city I'm proud to serve
167
00:13:07,347 --> 00:13:10,466
and I'm not ashamed to say that,
I am PROUD.
168
00:13:10,467 --> 00:13:13,527
In fact I'm proud of that pride,
169
00:13:13,587 --> 00:13:18,386
but the city also has a sickness
at its heart, a sickness of crime.
170
00:13:18,387 --> 00:13:21,866
We need boots on the ground,
fists in the face.
171
00:13:21,867 --> 00:13:25,987
But this isn't just about
tackling crime, it's about tackling
172
00:13:26,067 --> 00:13:31,506
the fear of crime. Our police
need to be more visible, that's
173
00:13:31,507 --> 00:13:36,466
why my front-line initiative won't
just put 1,000 extra bobbies
174
00:13:36,467 --> 00:13:40,207
on every single street of this city,
but will dress them in these.
175
00:13:44,107 --> 00:13:47,507
Nincompiffle.
Some might call this nincompiffle.
176
00:13:47,667 --> 00:13:50,717
But those backward thinkers
are precisely the kind of people
177
00:13:50,718 --> 00:13:54,247
I'll replace as Chief of Police
when I become your mayor.
178
00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:57,527
A vote for Goodgirl
is a vote for hope.
179
00:13:57,552 --> 00:13:59,028
Attention, citizens.
180
00:13:59,029 --> 00:14:02,580
Don't forget that tonight is your
chance to help a blameless child.
181
00:14:02,605 --> 00:14:05,005
With the telephones and all telephone.
182
00:14:05,020 --> 00:14:10,143
Yes, we'll have music, fun, laughter,
fun, music, laughter, fun,
183
00:14:10,268 --> 00:14:15,517
music, more fun and money.
Pledged by you, current citizens at home.
184
00:14:15,542 --> 00:14:20,079
Yep, so make sure you tune in and...
Help a blameless child!
185
00:14:22,118 --> 00:14:25,248
The body can't rising like
a mortgage full of flat.
186
00:14:26,019 --> 00:14:28,388
It's more than pull an ever
I'd stick with a Macratty.
187
00:14:28,691 --> 00:14:30,702
To do that I need
someone else with me.
188
00:14:30,727 --> 00:14:32,927
For God sake, Jack,
you for God match side your own.
189
00:14:34,077 --> 00:14:35,667
We're over here.
190
00:14:40,733 --> 00:14:44,113
One of you needs to join me
undercover. Make no mistake,
191
00:14:44,193 --> 00:14:46,893
entering Macratty's world means
walking from the side
192
00:14:46,894 --> 00:14:49,753
of justice right into a sewer.
That's a sewer side mission.
193
00:14:49,754 --> 00:14:53,273
We need someone who can assume a
character and be utterly convincing.
194
00:14:53,313 --> 00:14:55,233
If only Todd was still here.
195
00:14:55,315 --> 00:15:00,075
I won't lie to you. Out of ten,
your chances of survival are nought.
196
00:15:00,275 --> 00:15:04,234
Out of five, not much better.
197
00:15:04,235 --> 00:15:08,715
To volunteer for this,
you'd have to be crazy or foolhardy.
198
00:15:08,895 --> 00:15:09,994
What does foolhardy mean?
199
00:15:10,274 --> 00:15:14,574
OK, Des, you're in. Nice one, Guv.
200
00:15:14,594 --> 00:15:16,194
Wait. What about Bullock?
201
00:15:16,394 --> 00:15:17,793
He met Des at the scrap yard,
202
00:15:17,794 --> 00:15:19,994
he even mentioned how hairy
his hands were.
203
00:15:20,034 --> 00:15:21,774
Hairy hand.
204
00:15:21,794 --> 00:15:24,494
He's going to clock that immediately
and shoot him in the head.
205
00:15:24,614 --> 00:15:26,913
That's just a risk he'll have to
take. He'll shoot you too.
206
00:15:26,914 --> 00:15:30,114
Well, dammit, who else can do it?!
Who haven't they seen yet?!
207
00:15:33,954 --> 00:15:39,813
If we shave Des's hands, they won't
recognise him! Nice work, Asap.
208
00:15:39,814 --> 00:15:42,274
Des, you're going
to have to be as sharp as him,
209
00:15:42,394 --> 00:15:43,674
or your life's on the line here.
210
00:15:43,754 --> 00:15:47,484
Macratty's gang's got a vacancy,
the question is, can you fillet?
211
00:15:47,485 --> 00:15:49,674
I spent a summer in a fishmonger's
deboning salmon...
212
00:15:49,675 --> 00:15:52,633
That's good to know but be warned,
213
00:15:52,634 --> 00:15:55,234
this is going to take every ounce
of spunk you can muster, Des.
214
00:15:55,414 --> 00:15:58,134
If you come,
I'll expect you to cover my back
215
00:15:58,154 --> 00:15:59,874
and I mean completely cover it.
216
00:16:00,054 --> 00:16:02,754
Had yoghurt for breakfast, Guv.
OK! Let's car.
217
00:16:11,714 --> 00:16:14,274
Excuse me, sir, no men allowed.
218
00:16:14,454 --> 00:16:16,994
I don't give a toss about your
penophobic door policy,
219
00:16:17,174 --> 00:16:21,254
I'm important and angry and you must
let me through in that order.
220
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:24,734
Ah, Mr Boss, how nice of you to
interrupt our regular power lunch
221
00:16:24,834 --> 00:16:25,954
for a friendly shout.
222
00:16:26,154 --> 00:16:29,974
I don't care for upstart politicians
who publicly undermine me in print.
223
00:16:32,194 --> 00:16:33,634
Would you prefer it in person?
224
00:16:33,734 --> 00:16:37,294
Ladies, this is Tom Boss,
he's a twat.
225
00:16:40,434 --> 00:16:43,394
You'd do well to remember that
you're not mayor yet,
226
00:16:43,594 --> 00:16:46,114
and fortunes change
quickly in politics.
227
00:16:46,115 --> 00:16:48,673
One minute you're taking
Marilyn Monroe up the Oval Office,
228
00:16:48,674 --> 00:16:52,033
the next you've soiled a car seat
by a school book depository.
229
00:16:52,034 --> 00:16:55,674
Call the papers, tell them Mr Boss
has taken leave of his senses.
230
00:16:55,714 --> 00:16:59,654
You'll regret this. And that
his breath smells of Quavers.
231
00:16:59,694 --> 00:17:02,434
I may be leaving,
but I'm not going anywhere,
232
00:17:02,634 --> 00:17:05,154
you won't get rid of me
without a fight.
233
00:17:05,334 --> 00:17:07,394
I hope that's not a threat, Mr Boss.
234
00:17:09,014 --> 00:17:12,354
I suppose you do, Miss Goodgirl,
I suppose you do.
235
00:17:27,194 --> 00:17:28,674
OK.
236
00:17:29,091 --> 00:17:32,571
Should be undetectable unless you
cough or bend over suddenly.
237
00:17:32,572 --> 00:17:36,570
Let's go over your cover story one
more time. Who are you? I'm me.
238
00:17:36,571 --> 00:17:39,771
Good. And where did you two meet?
239
00:17:39,971 --> 00:17:42,651
Guardian Soulmates. Oh, come on,
Des, focus. Sorry, Guv.
240
00:17:42,851 --> 00:17:46,071
And stop deferring to me.
You're not a cop, you're a criminal.
241
00:17:46,171 --> 00:17:50,330
In there, it's dog eat dog. It's a
cathouse. A horse fight. A cow poke.
242
00:17:50,331 --> 00:17:52,231
Concentrate. Where did we meet?
243
00:17:52,232 --> 00:17:54,751
I was doing a five stretch
in Belmarsh. How come you bonded?
244
00:17:54,811 --> 00:17:57,151
He got me a job in the prison
aquarium. What were you in for?
245
00:17:57,152 --> 00:18:00,341
Swearing. What's your blood group?
D minus. Who created Super Mario?
246
00:18:00,342 --> 00:18:03,991
Shigeru Miyamoto. Where was he born?
Kyoto, Japan. What year? Uhh...
247
00:18:04,071 --> 00:18:06,011
19... Uh...
248
00:18:06,211 --> 00:18:09,450
You better hope this
doesn't come up. '52.
249
00:18:09,451 --> 00:18:12,091
Bonus round. What do you get
when you kiss a girl?
250
00:18:12,092 --> 00:18:14,810
You get enough germs to catch
pneumonia. And after you do?
251
00:18:14,811 --> 00:18:17,011
She'll never phone ya. I'll...?
Never fall in love again.
252
00:18:17,012 --> 00:18:19,131
You're ready. Let's go.
253
00:18:33,283 --> 00:18:35,313
Right. Listen up.
This is the big one.
254
00:18:35,314 --> 00:18:39,483
If you can't hack it, there's always
the door. Door's locked, boss.
255
00:18:39,484 --> 00:18:41,923
Some new meat round the table,
so I'll do the how-d'yer-dos.
256
00:18:42,015 --> 00:18:46,675
Me, you know. Bullock. Tiger.
Animal. Coppaire.
257
00:18:46,695 --> 00:18:49,295
Sadly Tumbler, as you all know,
has passed on,
258
00:18:49,375 --> 00:18:52,415
due to circumstances
and a bulldozer beyond his control.
259
00:18:52,595 --> 00:18:54,455
So taking his place is
Des Sergeant here,
260
00:18:54,475 --> 00:18:57,794
vouched for by our man Coppaire.
261
00:18:57,795 --> 00:18:59,055
Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
262
00:18:59,135 --> 00:19:01,555
Depends if you watch your mum
with her clients.
263
00:19:03,335 --> 00:19:04,595
Let me see your hands.
264
00:19:14,129 --> 00:19:17,949
How do we know you're clean?
You can sniff me arse if you like.
265
00:19:17,950 --> 00:19:20,809
We don't need another
joker on this job,
266
00:19:21,009 --> 00:19:22,888
we need somebody who can
handle a shooter.
267
00:19:22,889 --> 00:19:25,129
Des is the best shot on the force.
268
00:19:25,309 --> 00:19:29,128
And when I say "on the force",
I mean "in the world of crime".
269
00:19:29,129 --> 00:19:33,509
I hope you're right. Right. Enough
of the Loose Women. Got a job to do.
270
00:19:36,169 --> 00:19:38,248
City of Town Museum.
271
00:19:38,249 --> 00:19:40,489
A dusty retirement home
for cultural hand-me-downs,
272
00:19:40,549 --> 00:19:44,488
historical bric-a-brac. Also
selling novelty pens, postcards,
273
00:19:44,489 --> 00:19:46,248
and the educational Dino-Cress.
274
00:19:46,249 --> 00:19:48,128
Has it got an owl? No.
275
00:19:48,129 --> 00:19:49,768
But what it does have is this -
276
00:19:49,769 --> 00:19:53,409
the largest exhibit of diamonds,
rubies, coins, cocaine, gold bullion
277
00:19:53,449 --> 00:19:55,189
and more diamonds ever assembled.
278
00:19:55,190 --> 00:19:57,699
Culture section in the Independent
gives it five stars,
279
00:19:57,700 --> 00:19:59,669
says you should
"Fight for a ticket".
280
00:19:59,689 --> 00:20:01,129
The Times calls it "truly dazzling".
281
00:20:01,149 --> 00:20:02,729
I say "let's nick it."
282
00:20:09,929 --> 00:20:11,789
Main road here. Entrance here.
283
00:20:11,849 --> 00:20:16,229
Side exits here, here, here.
Any questions? How's the security?
284
00:20:16,329 --> 00:20:19,529
Tight. One whole guard.
Working legs? Two of them.
285
00:20:22,429 --> 00:20:27,369
And here he is, Doug Handler.
Head of Security. 51, 6'2".
286
00:20:27,549 --> 00:20:28,649
12-10.
287
00:20:28,829 --> 00:20:32,009
6:30 to 12:00, six days a week,
18K per annum, bonus ball 16.
288
00:20:32,189 --> 00:20:35,529
He's a man of routine. 19:30 to
20:00, walks the perimeter.
289
00:20:35,709 --> 00:20:37,449
20:02, does a little burp.
290
00:20:37,649 --> 00:20:40,648
20:04, bends down to
pick up a discarded bag.
291
00:20:40,649 --> 00:20:42,789
That's where you come in.
We'll never fit in that bag.
292
00:20:42,989 --> 00:20:47,119
You won't have to. You'll be outside
in the van. Tiger, you drive.
293
00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:50,089
Pick some proper music this time,
none of your Leonard Cohens.
294
00:20:54,669 --> 00:20:56,188
'That's more like it.
295
00:20:56,189 --> 00:20:59,759
'Make your way up to the museum
just after closing time.
296
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:03,149
'Get yourselves fired up,
ready to take on the guard as he's
297
00:21:03,349 --> 00:21:07,529
'sitting there obliviously reading
a book with a portentous title.
298
00:21:07,629 --> 00:21:10,109
'He'll put down his book to
go about his rounds.
299
00:21:10,289 --> 00:21:11,949
'When he stretches,
he lets out a sigh...'
300
00:21:13,289 --> 00:21:15,908
'Covers the approach of your van.
301
00:21:15,909 --> 00:21:18,309
'They've put up a new poster
for the swimwear exhibit.
302
00:21:18,349 --> 00:21:20,949
'You have to allow three extra
seconds for him
303
00:21:21,089 --> 00:21:23,649
'to look at that before
he carries on his way.
304
00:21:40,465 --> 00:21:42,145
'Then he goes outside for a smoke.
305
00:21:43,106 --> 00:21:45,065
'He knows he shouldn't,
but he's addicted.
306
00:21:45,245 --> 00:21:48,365
'It's a bittersweet habit for him
because it reminds him of Michelle.'
307
00:21:49,525 --> 00:21:51,145
Michelle...
308
00:21:52,425 --> 00:21:53,865
Now, she was a girl.
309
00:21:56,845 --> 00:21:58,646
Time they spent together
in the summer of '78.
310
00:22:00,105 --> 00:22:01,585
He thought it would last for ever.
311
00:22:06,245 --> 00:22:09,395
But, of course, nothing lasts
for ever, gentlemen.
312
00:22:09,396 --> 00:22:12,745
So here he is now, just another
poor schlub with a bad habit
313
00:22:12,925 --> 00:22:14,345
and a worse back.
314
00:22:14,525 --> 00:22:18,845
And no Michelle. Smoke it up, mate,
bollocks to everything, yeah?
315
00:22:20,405 --> 00:22:23,625
'Anyway, when he lights up,
be ready,
316
00:22:23,805 --> 00:22:26,345
cos the moment
he coughs into his hand'
317
00:22:26,445 --> 00:22:28,025
is the moment you unleash hell.
318
00:22:29,285 --> 00:22:32,765
Go, go, go, go!
319
00:22:32,925 --> 00:22:35,844
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
320
00:22:35,845 --> 00:22:38,085
Go go, go, go, go,
321
00:22:38,185 --> 00:22:41,385
get in there!
Go, go, go, go, go.
322
00:22:57,465 --> 00:23:01,065
20... 19... 18...
323
00:23:01,265 --> 00:23:05,144
17... 16... 15...
324
00:23:05,145 --> 00:23:07,784
14... 13... 12...
325
00:23:07,785 --> 00:23:10,664
11... Ten...
326
00:23:10,665 --> 00:23:14,505
Nine... Eight... Seven...
327
00:23:14,605 --> 00:23:19,045
Seven... Seven... Go, go, go. Six...
328
00:23:19,125 --> 00:23:21,344
Go, go, go.
329
00:23:21,345 --> 00:23:24,584
Five... Four... Oi! Three...
330
00:23:24,585 --> 00:23:25,805
Two...
331
00:23:25,865 --> 00:23:28,305
I'm Just going to get my nephew
one of those Dino-cress things
332
00:23:28,445 --> 00:23:30,485
from the gift shop.
Seriously, I will be ONE second.
333
00:23:35,265 --> 00:23:36,965
This diamond job is a smoke screen.
334
00:23:37,065 --> 00:23:39,155
There's something else in
that museum we're after.
335
00:23:39,156 --> 00:23:42,025
The Big Man's offered top dollar for
it. This is where you'll find it.
336
00:24:09,465 --> 00:24:11,585
Sweet child of mine!
337
00:24:22,505 --> 00:24:23,605
Oldman. Old man.
338
00:24:23,625 --> 00:24:26,025
Macratty's not after the diamonds,
that's a decoy.
339
00:24:26,225 --> 00:24:30,665
The real target is a nuclear
detonator. A nuclear whatanator?
340
00:24:30,865 --> 00:24:32,625
It means there's a bomb
out there somewhere.
341
00:24:32,626 --> 00:24:37,865
Call the HAZMAT squad. SOCO, MI5,
CI5, Interpol, Dempsey, Makepeace,
342
00:24:38,065 --> 00:24:39,465
Earth, Wind & Fire.
343
00:24:42,345 --> 00:24:44,565
Jack? Jack?!
344
00:24:45,705 --> 00:24:50,785
Jack? Jack? Jack? Jack? Jack?
345
00:24:50,825 --> 00:24:54,244
I'll take that. Jack? Jack?
346
00:24:54,245 --> 00:24:57,224
Jack? I'm afraid bacon boy is
otherwise engaged but
347
00:24:57,225 --> 00:25:01,065
if you'd like to hear me blow his
pig brains out, stay on the line.
348
00:25:04,065 --> 00:25:08,265
I'm going to enjoy this.
Fine, shoot me like a coward.
349
00:25:09,885 --> 00:25:12,104
You were always gutless.
350
00:25:12,105 --> 00:25:16,605
Hanging round Macratty's tag nuts, crying
because he paid me more attention than you.
351
00:25:16,606 --> 00:25:20,095
You shut yer muncher! Couldn't stand
the way he looked at me, could you?
352
00:25:20,096 --> 00:25:21,685
After everything you did for him.
353
00:25:21,705 --> 00:25:24,235
You even did your hair the way
he liked it. I SAID SHUT IT!
354
00:25:24,236 --> 00:25:27,435
He doesn't respect you
because you're weak. WEAK!
355
00:25:27,436 --> 00:25:30,685
You even flinch at loud noises!
You're pathetic!
356
00:25:32,645 --> 00:25:36,905
Purple Ronnie. Time... to die.
357
00:25:40,725 --> 00:25:42,545
The bloody...
358
00:25:45,065 --> 00:25:47,685
Time to die again.
359
00:25:48,585 --> 00:25:50,564
Jack?! Jack?!
360
00:25:50,565 --> 00:25:53,764
Jack?! Jack?! Jack?!
Jack?!
361
00:25:53,765 --> 00:25:59,744
Jack?! Jack?! Jack?! Jack?!
Jack?! Jack?!
362
00:25:59,745 --> 00:26:04,105
Jack?! Jack?! Jack?! Jack?! Jack?!
363
00:26:04,285 --> 00:26:08,804
Jack?! Jack! Jack! Jack?!
364
00:26:08,805 --> 00:26:10,985
Jack! Jack! JACK!
365
00:26:11,165 --> 00:26:16,585
Jack! Jack! Jack! JACK! JACK!
366
00:26:16,785 --> 00:26:24,365
Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack!
367
00:26:24,405 --> 00:26:29,324
Jack?! Oh, help a blameless child.
Jack! Jack!
368
00:26:29,325 --> 00:26:31,885
Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack!
369
00:26:31,925 --> 00:26:34,084
JACK?!
370
00:26:34,085 --> 00:26:38,445
Jack, you're injured!
371
00:26:38,485 --> 00:26:40,544
I'll bleed when I'm dead.
372
00:26:40,545 --> 00:26:43,185
That's not how blood works. Come on.
373
00:26:44,265 --> 00:26:49,225
Got these two, overpowered them by
releasing a scent. Where's Bullock?
374
00:26:49,405 --> 00:26:50,545
Got away with the detonator.
375
00:26:50,546 --> 00:26:52,585
That means there's a bomb out
there somewhere
376
00:26:52,586 --> 00:26:55,425
and I'm going to stop it,
even if I die before I can.
377
00:26:55,445 --> 00:26:56,545
Guv!
378
00:26:58,765 --> 00:27:01,785
Katya! Katya, no!
379
00:27:02,645 --> 00:27:05,764
What happened? Who did this to you?
380
00:27:05,765 --> 00:27:11,305
Mr Macratty. He... He... He...
381
00:27:11,485 --> 00:27:13,105
Try not to laugh.
382
00:27:14,745 --> 00:27:18,085
I know you police, Jack.
383
00:27:18,185 --> 00:27:21,265
How? The phone message.
384
00:27:23,565 --> 00:27:26,505
She's going into flashback.
385
00:27:26,605 --> 00:27:29,864
'Tumbler leave message,
he say you copper.
386
00:27:29,865 --> 00:27:32,525
'I delete before you trouble.'
387
00:27:33,525 --> 00:27:36,544
Why did he do this to you?
388
00:27:36,545 --> 00:27:41,384
He think I tell cops about plan to
steal two-stage bridgewire
389
00:27:41,385 --> 00:27:46,425
thermonuclear detonator -
for how you say - bomb?
390
00:27:48,445 --> 00:27:49,965
What's the target?
391
00:27:50,025 --> 00:27:54,345
The Big Man wants wipe out the kids
who don't be blame...
392
00:27:55,625 --> 00:27:56,905
Help a Blameless Child.
393
00:27:56,906 --> 00:27:59,144
Help a blameless child,
help a blameless child.
394
00:27:59,145 --> 00:28:02,025
Help a blameless child.
395
00:28:02,225 --> 00:28:04,105
They're blowing up the telethon.
396
00:28:04,205 --> 00:28:06,365
Somebody tell the boys
down the station.
397
00:28:06,366 --> 00:28:10,145
Tell the boys down the station.
You say you help me...
398
00:28:10,165 --> 00:28:13,545
I'll help you, Katya, I'll never
let anyone hurt you again.
399
00:28:13,546 --> 00:28:15,245
Somebody call an ambulance.
400
00:28:17,865 --> 00:28:19,545
Katya, Katya. Stay with me.
401
00:28:19,625 --> 00:28:21,165
She's gone, Jack.
402
00:28:21,205 --> 00:28:24,485
NOOOOOOOO!
403
00:28:24,585 --> 00:28:29,164
NOOO! Don't take her, take me!
No, Jack!
404
00:28:29,165 --> 00:28:31,905
That won't bring her back!
You don't know that.
405
00:28:31,945 --> 00:28:34,025
I do!
406
00:28:34,225 --> 00:28:36,565
I also know she wouldn't want this.
407
00:28:36,566 --> 00:28:40,525
She'd want you to catch Macratty
and the Big Man to stop the bomb
408
00:28:40,526 --> 00:28:45,804
and save the day. That way,
her death will have meaning, Jack!
409
00:28:45,805 --> 00:28:49,705
Otherwise she's just another dead
Forkkrainian girl on a
410
00:28:49,706 --> 00:28:51,945
marble-effect museum floor.
411
00:28:55,645 --> 00:28:57,085
Noooo!
412
00:29:09,145 --> 00:29:12,305
Let's go shut down this telethon.
I'll call Boss.
413
00:29:12,306 --> 00:29:14,025
Whatever.
414
00:29:24,709 --> 00:29:27,129
Welcome back to Help a
Blameless Child, where the
415
00:29:27,134 --> 00:29:30,014
totaliser currently is
standing at a whopping...
416
00:29:31,850 --> 00:29:37,578
9,575k pounds!
And 432 pences.
417
00:29:37,612 --> 00:29:41,092
That's amazing. An incredible
figure, but it's not over yet.
418
00:29:41,100 --> 00:29:43,780
Just as well there's still
plenty of goodness to come...
419
00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:46,660
Camera two, close up on Konnie. OK.
420
00:29:46,860 --> 00:29:49,699
Camera three, on the totaliser.
Right you are.
421
00:29:49,700 --> 00:29:52,579
BA753, you are clear to land, over.
422
00:29:52,580 --> 00:29:54,640
Roger that,
wheels to land-mode, over.
423
00:29:54,641 --> 00:29:58,580
Come on, once that thing's set
we've got to be at least 38 miles
424
00:29:58,581 --> 00:30:02,240
away or we'll be incinerated.
And I'm fond of this shirt.
425
00:30:02,340 --> 00:30:05,000
Why does the Big Man want to blow
this place up anyway?
426
00:30:05,040 --> 00:30:07,440
Climactic purposes. Hurry up.
Set the trigger mechanism.
427
00:30:12,100 --> 00:30:14,020
Come on, come on.
428
00:30:14,220 --> 00:30:15,780
Boss isn't answering.
429
00:30:16,900 --> 00:30:19,300
Where the hell is he?
430
00:30:19,480 --> 00:30:22,340
Tom Boss.
What are you doing here?
431
00:30:22,540 --> 00:30:25,180
Handing over a cheque
some of our officers raised with
432
00:30:25,220 --> 00:30:26,600
a sponsored brute-ala-thon.
433
00:30:26,660 --> 00:30:30,680
They threw a suspect down the stairs
for seven hours. Most admirable.
434
00:30:30,681 --> 00:30:32,420
How much did you raise?
435
00:30:34,180 --> 00:30:37,860
100,001 pounds.
Oh, my.
436
00:30:38,060 --> 00:30:40,980
You did do well. Yes.
437
00:30:46,540 --> 00:30:49,220
Almost there, let's do a summary.
438
00:30:49,420 --> 00:30:51,539
So, the Big Man paid Macratty
to commit crimes...
439
00:30:51,540 --> 00:30:53,700
And the bank jobs raised
the money for bomb materials
440
00:30:53,780 --> 00:30:56,260
and the museum heist
provided the detonator.
441
00:30:56,380 --> 00:30:58,720
So The Big Man's been pulling
the strings all along.
442
00:30:58,820 --> 00:31:01,920
Macratty's just a puppet,
like Roland Rat or the Queen.
443
00:31:02,000 --> 00:31:04,560
But we still don't know
who this Big Man is.
444
00:31:04,580 --> 00:31:07,200
Whoever he is, he's Macratty's boss.
445
00:31:07,300 --> 00:31:11,098
Boss... Boss... Boss... Boss...
446
00:31:11,099 --> 00:31:14,119
What about Tom Boss?
He's a big man, he can take it.
447
00:31:14,139 --> 00:31:16,059
I'm the big man round here.
448
00:31:25,339 --> 00:31:28,159
Boss! Boss is the Big Man.
449
00:31:28,219 --> 00:31:30,099
Why would Boss blow up the telethon?
450
00:31:30,130 --> 00:31:31,809
Boys down the station think
Goodgirl's planning to get
451
00:31:31,855 --> 00:31:35,035
rid of him. And she's presenting
a cheque. Come on!
452
00:31:44,304 --> 00:31:47,184
Guv, Guv!
453
00:31:52,604 --> 00:31:55,203
Sorry, sir, that corridor leads
into the bowels of the building
454
00:31:55,298 --> 00:31:58,617
into which no-one shall pass.
Is there a lavatory down there? Yes.
455
00:31:58,702 --> 00:32:01,262
Well, then let me through, I ate
some undercooked chicken earlier
456
00:32:01,402 --> 00:32:04,402
and my backside is about to be sick.
Now, listen. Do you want me
457
00:32:04,602 --> 00:32:07,542
to stand here and defecate?
With celebrities present?!
458
00:32:07,782 --> 00:32:09,082
No. Well, let me through.
459
00:32:12,675 --> 00:32:17,095
Wow, so a big hand
everyone for Hope Goodgirl!
460
00:32:44,355 --> 00:32:48,435
Police, police, get out of my way.
Police, police! Police.
461
00:32:48,515 --> 00:32:51,354
Clear the way!
462
00:32:51,355 --> 00:32:52,655
Where did that come from?
463
00:32:52,675 --> 00:32:54,555
I'll check it out.
You two take the gallery.
464
00:32:54,595 --> 00:32:57,895
Look, sorry you can't come through
here, this is restrict...
465
00:32:59,475 --> 00:33:05,795
So really, any time, here's my card.
Oh, thanks, but... You will take it.
466
00:33:08,915 --> 00:33:10,275
That's what I like to see.
467
00:33:14,262 --> 00:33:16,121
Police! What's going on?
468
00:33:16,122 --> 00:33:17,662
There's a nuclear device
in this building.
469
00:33:17,744 --> 00:33:20,603
We need to shut down this broadcast
now. But it's for charity.
470
00:33:20,604 --> 00:33:23,003
Millions will die
if you don't evacuate now.
471
00:33:23,004 --> 00:33:26,204
But Richard from Pointless
is about to juggle grapefruit.
472
00:33:27,444 --> 00:33:32,104
All right, after that. But not a
moment later. OK, Richard, stand by.
473
00:33:43,804 --> 00:33:45,384
Give it up, Tom. It's over.
474
00:33:46,784 --> 00:33:49,884
I said give it up!
He can't hear you, Coppaire.
475
00:33:53,344 --> 00:33:56,924
The blast from my gun
popped his eardrums.
476
00:33:57,124 --> 00:34:00,184
Why do you think I'm wearing these
protective headphones?
477
00:34:00,284 --> 00:34:03,684
What protective headphones? What?
478
00:34:06,824 --> 00:34:08,604
Will you at least let me
warn the talent?
479
00:34:08,804 --> 00:34:10,044
Just do it.
480
00:34:13,084 --> 00:34:14,683
Rufus, Konnie?
481
00:34:14,684 --> 00:34:19,644
Guys, it's going really well,
great energy, but there is a nuclear
482
00:34:19,844 --> 00:34:22,304
bomb in the building so we might
have to wrap things up a bit early.
483
00:34:22,305 --> 00:34:25,164
All right. So will we throw
to an ad break or...?
484
00:34:25,244 --> 00:34:27,484
Yeah, maybe, we're going to play
that by ear. Cool.
485
00:34:33,834 --> 00:34:37,513
You thought you could fool me,
Coppaire.
486
00:34:37,514 --> 00:34:40,154
I knew you were filth
from the start. No, you never.
487
00:34:45,034 --> 00:34:48,114
But Boss was the Big Man. He just
come in here looking for the toilet.
488
00:34:48,115 --> 00:34:50,913
He was never the Big Man.
Well, that...
489
00:34:50,914 --> 00:34:53,214
only leaves one other
major character.
490
00:34:55,534 --> 00:34:58,794
You didn't honestly think a powerful
lesbian would turn out to be
491
00:34:58,994 --> 00:35:00,553
benevolent, did you?
492
00:35:00,554 --> 00:35:04,353
That must never be allowed to
happen. But why do this?
493
00:35:04,354 --> 00:35:05,833
Isn't it obvious?
494
00:35:05,834 --> 00:35:09,193
Celebrities and blameless children,
495
00:35:09,194 --> 00:35:12,073
blasted to oblivion on
live television?
496
00:35:12,074 --> 00:35:13,614
In HD?
497
00:35:13,674 --> 00:35:16,353
The viewers would be horrified.
498
00:35:16,354 --> 00:35:18,374
Then they'd watch it a
second time on catch-up
499
00:35:18,474 --> 00:35:20,974
and be horrified all over again.
500
00:35:21,034 --> 00:35:23,854
The word "yikes"
would trend on Twitter
501
00:35:23,874 --> 00:35:26,273
for 100,000 years.
502
00:35:26,274 --> 00:35:28,554
And when the public is afraid,
503
00:35:28,734 --> 00:35:31,973
they yearn for a strong hand
to guide them.
504
00:35:31,974 --> 00:35:35,714
Someone with a record for being
tough on crime.
505
00:35:35,754 --> 00:35:37,984
And the City of Town
is just the start.
506
00:35:37,985 --> 00:35:41,833
Once I control this backwater,
who knows where I'll rule next?
507
00:35:41,834 --> 00:35:46,573
I could take this to Downing Street
or Swanage.
508
00:35:46,574 --> 00:35:48,393
I love Swanage.
509
00:35:48,394 --> 00:35:52,233
I love Swanage. I love Swanage.
I love Swanage.
510
00:35:52,234 --> 00:35:53,514
You're insane.
511
00:35:53,694 --> 00:35:56,193
Is it insane to thirst for power?
512
00:35:56,194 --> 00:35:59,593
Is it insane to reach out and take
what's yours, even when it isn't?
513
00:35:59,594 --> 00:36:03,334
Is it insane to stand naked,
bathed in the moonlight, screaming
514
00:36:03,434 --> 00:36:07,753
"I laugh at the blood of the fallen,
for I am the taker of souls"?
515
00:36:07,754 --> 00:36:10,474
Yes, it is.
I don't want to rush you Hope,
516
00:36:10,674 --> 00:36:12,974
but we'd best shit off out of here
before this goes pop.
517
00:36:13,034 --> 00:36:14,954
Agreed.
518
00:36:15,134 --> 00:36:17,353
You're going to like this Cloth,
519
00:36:17,354 --> 00:36:20,853
that bomb is hooked up
to the totaliser. What?
520
00:36:20,854 --> 00:36:24,194
The moment the donations hit
ten million, then farewell,
521
00:36:24,234 --> 00:36:29,294
blameless children,
and hello, Fuhrer Goodgirl.
522
00:36:29,354 --> 00:36:32,494
Not if I shoot you from the ground
unexpectedly first.
523
00:36:34,174 --> 00:36:35,334
Ow!
524
00:36:39,294 --> 00:36:41,934
Come on, Macratty, come on.
525
00:36:41,974 --> 00:36:44,954
Turn yourself in,
while there's still time.
526
00:36:45,034 --> 00:36:47,114
Work it up, you dirt box.
527
00:36:51,134 --> 00:36:53,674
Oldman - The Big Man is Goodgirl.
528
00:36:53,854 --> 00:36:56,214
I repeat - the Big Man is Goodgirl.
529
00:36:56,234 --> 00:36:57,834
Oh, my God. Goodgirl's the Big Man?
530
00:36:58,034 --> 00:37:03,213
That too, and listen,
the bomb is linked to the totaliser.
531
00:37:03,214 --> 00:37:04,634
If it hits ten million, it'll blow.
532
00:37:05,894 --> 00:37:07,594
I'll take care of Goodgirl.
533
00:37:07,774 --> 00:37:10,554
You stop the viewers donating
any more money.
534
00:37:10,634 --> 00:37:11,734
How am I going to do that?
535
00:37:14,954 --> 00:37:16,394
Use the autocue.
536
00:37:20,754 --> 00:37:23,434
You'd better hurry.
We're coming back from a break
537
00:37:23,634 --> 00:37:25,474
in five... four... three...
538
00:37:30,314 --> 00:37:33,294
Hello and welcome back to
Help a Blameless Shit,
539
00:37:33,354 --> 00:37:35,914
where our totaliser currently
stands at more than we need
540
00:37:36,094 --> 00:37:40,294
and every penny you donate is spent
on providing backrubs for racists.
541
00:37:40,394 --> 00:37:43,753
Yeah, because most of the kids we've shown
you are simply making their symptoms up.
542
00:37:43,754 --> 00:37:46,154
In fact, the only thing they're
suffering from is
543
00:37:46,254 --> 00:37:47,754
acute lying syndrome.
544
00:37:47,954 --> 00:37:52,894
And remember every child you've seen
tonight is a holocaust denier.
545
00:37:52,914 --> 00:37:58,154
Oh, keep... still... I'm trying!
No, hold his head. I'm trying. Argh.
546
00:38:05,714 --> 00:38:07,914
This one's for Tumbler.
547
00:38:08,114 --> 00:38:10,633
This one's for Bullock.
548
00:38:10,634 --> 00:38:13,473
No, you killed Bullock, actually.
549
00:38:13,474 --> 00:38:15,434
Do you want me to shoot you again?
No, thank you.
550
00:38:17,034 --> 00:38:19,094
And this one's for being a...
551
00:38:34,994 --> 00:38:37,034
What does it taste of?
552
00:38:38,154 --> 00:38:39,634
Copper.
553
00:38:47,114 --> 00:38:48,953
Thanks, Oldman.
Old man.
554
00:38:48,954 --> 00:38:50,494
Thanks, old man.
555
00:38:50,514 --> 00:38:53,214
Goodgirl's still out there.
I'm on it.
556
00:38:58,674 --> 00:38:59,774
Tom!
557
00:39:02,714 --> 00:39:06,934
It's no good, Jack,
it's not good.
558
00:39:09,214 --> 00:39:14,773
I'm fading... everything's
turning sepia...
559
00:39:14,825 --> 00:39:15,985
No!
560
00:39:16,185 --> 00:39:19,685
Tom, stay with me, hold on. Hold on.
561
00:39:30,725 --> 00:39:33,765
So George Osborne is standing
inside this costume, right now,
562
00:39:33,785 --> 00:39:38,675
with a huge erection and the more money
you pledge, the harder it gets.
563
00:39:38,676 --> 00:39:42,605
So for God's sake, stop pledging
money, you dreadful, stinking scum.
564
00:39:42,685 --> 00:39:44,665
Get out of my way!
565
00:39:49,405 --> 00:39:51,144
Hope, no!
566
00:39:51,145 --> 00:39:54,305
Venereal disease,
Ebola virus and pancreatic cancer.
567
00:40:07,225 --> 00:40:09,545
Camera three, close-up on the
dark-haired one kneeing
568
00:40:09,565 --> 00:40:11,184
the other one in the face,
camera two,
569
00:40:11,185 --> 00:40:12,765
see if you can get an
up-skirt shot...
570
00:40:14,385 --> 00:40:15,985
Konnie, it's not safe! Come on!
571
00:40:37,457 --> 00:40:41,017
We could have gone places together
you and I. Like Centre Parcs?
572
00:40:41,054 --> 00:40:44,153
Yes, like Centre Parcs!
573
00:40:44,154 --> 00:40:49,934
I offer you love and boundless power
and you toss it all away. For what?
574
00:40:50,014 --> 00:40:54,494
A man called Cloth? Yes. Well.
I hope it was worth it.
575
00:41:07,614 --> 00:41:10,334
Camera one, a bit of windpipe has
just landed in Rufus' hair,
576
00:41:10,514 --> 00:41:12,093
zoom in on that.
577
00:41:12,094 --> 00:41:13,655
Camera two,
close up on the owl's wound.
578
00:41:13,694 --> 00:41:17,054
Camera one, see if you can get me
something, anything with the geckos.
579
00:41:28,034 --> 00:41:29,214
Thank you, Jack.
580
00:41:30,814 --> 00:41:32,514
You need to brush your teeth.
581
00:41:48,154 --> 00:41:50,114
I never can save the good ones.
582
00:41:50,174 --> 00:41:53,213
Kate, Todd, Katya.
583
00:41:53,214 --> 00:41:55,274
A stranger dressed as an owl.
584
00:41:55,294 --> 00:41:58,554
Owls die, Jack. You taught me that.
585
00:42:00,254 --> 00:42:02,793
Coming for a drink, Guv?
586
00:42:02,794 --> 00:42:04,793
I've got to be somewhere.
587
00:42:04,794 --> 00:42:06,094
I'll give you a lift.
588
00:42:06,154 --> 00:42:07,893
I'll walk.
589
00:42:07,894 --> 00:42:09,534
But you live 12 miles away.
590
00:42:09,714 --> 00:42:12,253
And you're barefoot.
And it's freezing.
591
00:42:12,254 --> 00:42:15,774
Do I? Am I? Is it?
592
00:42:15,974 --> 00:42:17,174
I hadn't noticed.
593
00:42:20,354 --> 00:42:25,514
I thought maybe you
and I could... catch up.
594
00:42:27,134 --> 00:42:29,054
I'm catching up with someone else.
595
00:42:34,334 --> 00:42:37,174
But I don't understand. Nor do I.
596
00:42:38,234 --> 00:42:40,633
That's just how feelings work.
597
00:42:40,634 --> 00:42:42,254
But you hate him.
598
00:42:42,334 --> 00:42:44,974
Love and hate don't mean anything,
they're just words
599
00:42:45,234 --> 00:42:47,574
we use to describe
meaningful feelings.
600
00:42:47,614 --> 00:42:49,234
He killed your wife.
601
00:42:53,614 --> 00:42:55,174
No-one's perfect.
602
00:42:57,754 --> 00:42:59,414
But I love you, Jack!
603
00:43:02,694 --> 00:43:03,734
I love you!
604
00:43:04,974 --> 00:43:08,734
Anne, you're a lesbian.
605
00:43:08,914 --> 00:43:11,974
You've forgotten which side
you're on. You can't love him,
606
00:43:11,975 --> 00:43:13,154
you're straight.
607
00:43:16,094 --> 00:43:17,674
Bi, Anne.
608
00:43:47,194 --> 00:43:49,214
Blameless child?
609
00:44:20,734 --> 00:44:23,134
We're all women on the first day.
Is it that obvious I'm new?
610
00:44:23,314 --> 00:44:25,974
Welcome to the rest of your life.
Welcome to Hell.
611
00:44:25,994 --> 00:44:28,134
Oh, I got you that Twix, Guv.
Thank you.
612
00:44:28,135 --> 00:44:30,184
It's my brother. Your brother?
613
00:44:30,185 --> 00:44:32,094
His brother? His brother.
614
00:44:32,214 --> 00:44:34,814
You don't have any respect for
anything with knockers or a fanny.
615
00:44:34,914 --> 00:44:37,234
I believe the medical term
is quim, inspector.
616
00:44:37,235 --> 00:44:40,573
Des, I would love to invite you
upstairs but...
617
00:44:40,574 --> 00:44:42,074
But, this car hasn't got
an upstairs.
618
00:44:42,174 --> 00:44:43,874
It's good to know
there are female officers
619
00:44:43,875 --> 00:44:45,854
I can really look up to round here.
620
00:44:45,954 --> 00:44:48,334
Please, not the face,
it has sentimental value.
621
00:44:48,414 --> 00:44:50,368
Noooooo!
622
00:44:50,593 --> 00:45:28,360
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