1
00:00:06,574 --> 00:00:09,610
"MELISSA & JOEY" IS RECORDED IN
FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.

2
00:00:09,643 --> 00:00:12,613
WE'RE GOING TO MISS THE COUNCIL
PRESIDENT'S ANNOUNCEMENT.

3
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I'M TRYING. MY
KEY'S NOT WORKING.

4
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WAIT, I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
MY DAD WAS A LOCKSMITH.

5
00:00:21,722 --> 00:00:24,692
UM, DID HE ALSO HAVE A
GLASS-REPAIR BUSINESS ON THE SIDE?

6
00:00:26,060 --> 00:00:28,162
WHAT ARE YOU BREAKING
INTO YOUR OWN HOUSE FOR?!

7
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- MY KEY DIDN'T WORK!
- OH, I PUT A DEADBOLT ON THE DOOR.

8
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YOU'RE A PUBLIC FIGURE. WE NEED
BETTER SECURITY AROUND HERE.

9
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- YOUR NEW KEYS.
- THANKS, JUST IN TIME.

10
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BY THE WAY, STEPHANIE BREACHED
YOUR PERIMETER WITH HER PURSE.

11
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FIRST SWING! POP!

12
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- ( hip-hop music from TV )
- LENNOX, WHAT IS THIS?

13
00:00:47,648 --> 00:00:49,650
OH, IT'S AWESOME. YOU
WANT TO PLAY WITH ME?

14
00:00:49,683 --> 00:00:51,685
- IT'S A GAME CALLED "JUST DANCE."
- WE NEED THE TV.

15
00:00:51,719 --> 00:00:53,587
- JUST MOVE.
- YOU CAN'T.

16
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- AND YET...
- ( music stops )

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WATCH, THIS IS ONE OF THE
GREATEST MOMENTS OF MY LIFE

18
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THAT I CAN TALK ABOUT
IN FRONT OF MINORS.

19
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YOUR AUNT WAS THE DRIVING FORCE

20
00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:07,601
OF THE NEW HUMANE
ANIMAL SHELTER PROJECT,

21
00:01:07,635 --> 00:01:09,370
AND THE COUNCIL PRESIDENT'S
ABOUT TO TALK ABOUT

22
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HOW AWESOME AND WONDERFUL
AND KIND AND GENEROUS...

23
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SHUT IT, IT'S ON!

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Thank you, ladies and
gentlemen, for being here.

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We're here to announce that the
city is committing funding

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for two new animal
shelters here in Toledo!

27
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( applause from TV )

28
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I'd like to thank, naturally,
my beautiful wife Sylvia,

29
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my staff members
Erica and Martin,

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and of course the little dynamo

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who was the inspiration
for it all...

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OOH, I LIKE THAT.

33
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LITTLE DYNAMO... THAT
COULD BE MY RAP NAME.

34
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...my dog Poncho.

35
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AND...?!

36
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- I THINK HE'S ALL DONE, MEL.
- NO HE'S NOT DONE. HE CAN'T BE DONE.

37
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- THAT CAN'T BE IT!
- Well, that's it.

38
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- Thanks, everybody.
- ( Poncho barking )

39
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HE THANKED HIS DOG?! WHAT DOES A DOG
HAVE TO DO WITH AN ANIMAL SHELTER?

40
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OH, THIS BITES!

41
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AUNT MEL, YOU KNOW WHAT
WOULD REALLY TAKE YOUR MIND

42
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OFF THIS TERRIBLE
TERRIBLE INJUSTICE?

43
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( hip-hop music playing )
♪ Who let the dogs out?

44
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♪ Woof woof woof woof ♪

45
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- ♪ Who let the dogs out? ♪
- STEPHANIE, SMASH THE TV.

46
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OH NO.

47
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♪ I GUESS YOU'RE STUCK ♪

48
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♪ WITH ME ♪

49
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AND IT'S GONE...

50
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THE OPPORTUNITY FOR ME TO BE
SEEN AS THE CHAMPION OF ANIMALS,

51
00:02:27,715 --> 00:02:29,417
INSTEAD OF... YOU KNOW.

52
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THE DUCK PUNISHER.

53
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YOU WANNA UNPACK
THAT ONE FOR ME?

54
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IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY FUNNY...

55
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IN A WAY THAT'S
NOT FUNNY AT ALL.

56
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UNLESS YOU HATE DUCKS.

57
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I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST DUCKS!
THEY'RE CUTE.

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AND THEY'RE DELICIOUS.

59
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AUNT MEL WAS ON THIS
BOAT WHERE EVERYBODY

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WAS CELEBRATING THE
CLEAN-UP OF THE LAKE,

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WHEN A DUCK FLEW RIGHT AT HER.

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I BARELY TAPPED IT WITH MY OAR.

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YOU'D THINK SOMETHING

64
00:02:53,941 --> 00:02:55,809
CALLED A DUCK WOULD
KNOW HOW TO...

65
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SEE? NOT SO HARD.

66
00:02:59,647 --> 00:03:02,149
YEAH, THERE WERE BLOODY FEATHERS
AND DUCK BITS EVERYWHERE.

67
00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:05,319
AND HER APPROVAL
RATING WENT BYOOOMP.

68
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ONE QUESTION: WHEN THIS
TRAGIC INCIDENT OCCURRED,

69
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WAS IT DUCK SEASON
OR WABBIT SEASON?

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I WAS COUNTING ON THE P.R.
SPIN FROM THE ANIMAL SHELTER

71
00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:18,566
TO HELP ME OUT, BUT NOW
WE'RE BACK AT SQUARE ONE.

72
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AND THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE
THERE ISN'T A SQUARE ZERO.

73
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YOU NEED TO BE SEEN ON
TV DOING SOMETHING GOOD.

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OH RIGHT, THAT'S MY JOB.

75
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I COULD CALL MY FRIEND
AT "TOLEDO TODAY."

76
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OH, THAT IDIOTIC SHOW?

77
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I DON'T WANT TO BE IN ONE
OF THOSE VAPID PUFF PIECES.

78
00:03:35,316 --> 00:03:37,685
EVERYBODY WATCHES IT.
BIG NUMBERS.

79
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I LOVE THAT SHOW. START DIALING.

80
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YOU'RE PLAYING WITH FIRE, BURKE.

81
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WHEN THINGS BLEW UP
AT SCANLON TRUST,

82
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THOSE NEWS PEOPLE TWISTED
EVERYTHING I SAID AROUND.

83
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ONE REPORTER GETS ONE
SOUND BITE OF YOU SAYING,

84
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"I'M GOING TO MISS MY PORSCHE,"

85
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AND SUDDENLY YOU'RE
ALL OVER THE INTERNET

86
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- AS THE DOUCHY I'M-GOING-TO-MISS-MY-PORSCHE GUY.
- ( scoffs ) PLEASE.

87
00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:54,835
LOOK I'M NOT AN AMATEUR.

88
00:03:54,868 --> 00:03:56,737
I'M THE SPINMEISTER.

89
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I'LL INVITE THEM OVER TO MY
OFFICE, THEY'LL INTERVIEW ME

90
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:01,975
AND THEY'LL EAT A TINY LITTLE
MESSAGE OUT OF MY HAND.

91
00:04:02,009 --> 00:04:04,812
OH HERE. HERE'S A TINY LITTLE MESSAGE.
NUM, NUM, NUM, NUM.

92
00:04:04,845 --> 00:04:08,782
IT AIN'T THAT EASY, BURKE.
YOU CAN'T SCRIPT EVERYTHING.

93
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NUM NUM.

94
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:12,720
STEPHANIE, GET
THEM ON THE PHONE.

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HERE'S THE HEADLINE: "MEL BURKE:

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THE SENATOR'S PARTY-GIRL
DAUGHTER HAS TRANSFORMED HERSELF

97
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AND IS BRINGING MAJOR
CHANGE TO TOLEDO."

98
00:04:19,693 --> 00:04:23,364
BY REDUCING THE DUCK POPULATION?

99
00:04:23,397 --> 00:04:26,800
THAT'S A GOOD ONE, MAN. IF ANYTHING HAPPENS
TO ME, IT'S NICE TO KNOW YOU'RE HERE.

100
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Stephanie, I've made some
changes to Tuesday's speech

101
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to the Hispanic Society.

102
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Make sure we thank todas en
la iglesia para las Flores.

103
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When did you ever have
the time to do this?

104
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Do you ever sleep?

105
00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:50,458
The city's problems never sleep.
How can I?

106
00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:52,626
Cut. Take five, guys.

107
00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:54,762
DID I LOOK SPONTANEOUS?

108
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AS MANY TIMES AS WE REHEARSED
IT, IT WAS STILL A SHOCKER.

109
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OH. I TOOK THAT
MESSAGE OF COMPETENCE

110
00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:03,671
AND CIVIC RESPONSIBILITY
AND I MADE IT MY BITCH!

111
00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:07,375
OOOH, CELESTE, HEY, SO DID
YOU GET SOME GOOD STUFF?

112
00:05:07,408 --> 00:05:09,610
THIS ALL FELT A LITTLE STAGED.

113
00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:11,645
- REALLY?
- ( forced laughter )

114
00:05:11,679 --> 00:05:13,614
I MEAN, HOW DID YOU GET THAT?

115
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OOH, CELESTE, THEY'VE MOVED MEL'S
ZONING HEARING UP TO 2:00.

116
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AND GUESS WHO'S PRESIDING. HOLA.

117
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IT SOUNDS GRIPPING. I'LL LET C.N.N.
GET THAT ONE.

118
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CELESTE, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE
EVER BEEN TO A ZONING HEARING,

119
00:05:30,431 --> 00:05:33,734
BUT WHEN I RUN THEM,
NO ONE ZONES OUT!

120
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NAH, I'M JUST NOT
FEELING THE STORY YET.

121
00:05:36,737 --> 00:05:39,740
IT'S GOT NOTHING TO
DRAW THE VIEWER IN.

122
00:05:39,773 --> 00:05:41,675
WHO ARE THESE KIDS?

123
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OH, THAT'S MY NIECE AND NEPHEW.
THEY LIVE WITH ME.

124
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TWO TYPICAL TEENAGERS...
MOM'S IN JAIL,

125
00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:47,881
DAD'S ON THE LAM,
BLAH BLAH BLAH.

126
00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:50,618
OF COURSE! THE
INNOCENT BYSTANDERS

127
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IN LEWIS SCANLON'S
GREAT PONZI SCHEME.

128
00:05:53,421 --> 00:05:56,323
( sniffs ) I SMELL STORY BACON.

129
00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:59,893
WHY DON'T I BRING THE CREW OVER
TO YOUR HOUSE THIS AFTERNOON?

130
00:05:59,927 --> 00:06:02,863
OH NO NO NO, THE STORY
LIVES RIGHT HERE.

131
00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:05,766
HERE... YOU KNOW, TIGHTLY
CONFINED WITHIN THESE WALLS.

132
00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:09,903
BUT HEY, SURE, LET'S
GO TO THE HOUSE.

133
00:06:20,013 --> 00:06:21,949
YEAH, DO IT. YEAH.

134
00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:25,686
THAT FIRE THING ISN'T A PART OF
AUNT MEL'S APPROVED KITCHEN DECOR.

135
00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:27,721
SHE'S NOT GOING TO LIKE IT.

136
00:06:27,755 --> 00:06:30,691
I THINK YOUR AUNT VALUES HER LIFE MORE
THAN SHE VALUES HER KITCHEN DECOR.

137
00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:33,861
YOU'VE LEARNED NOTHING IN THE
TIME YOU'VE BEEN HERE, HAVE YOU?

138
00:06:35,028 --> 00:06:36,764
OH GOOD, EVERYBODY'S HERE.

139
00:06:36,797 --> 00:06:38,932
OKAY, NOW DON'T FREAK OUT,

140
00:06:38,966 --> 00:06:42,703
BUT COMING TO OUR HOUSE THIS
AFTERNOON: CELESTE VEGA.

141
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I KNOW, RIGHT?

142
00:06:46,674 --> 00:06:48,909
CELESTE VEGA... CHANNEL 8?

143
00:06:48,942 --> 00:06:50,711
"TOLEDO TODAY."

144
00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:52,746
IS SHE THE ONE WHO WAS
STANDING IN THE HURRICANE

145
00:06:52,780 --> 00:06:55,516
WHEN THAT STOP SIGN
HIT HER IN THE FACE?

146
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YEAH AND HER HAIR STAYED
PERFECT THE WHOLE TIME.

147
00:06:58,151 --> 00:07:00,821
SO THE REPORTER IS COMING
OVER TO THE HOUSE?

148
00:07:00,854 --> 00:07:02,790
I THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING
TO STAY AT YOUR OFFICE.

149
00:07:02,823 --> 00:07:05,125
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
"CONTROLLING THE MESSAGE."

150
00:07:05,158 --> 00:07:08,128
YOU KNOW? NUM NUM NUM.

151
00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:10,964
I'M CONTROLLING IT HERE.

152
00:07:10,998 --> 00:07:15,068
PLEASE, YOU GUYS, DON'T DO OR
SAY ANYTHING TO EMBARRASS ME.

153
00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:18,138
OH, YOU MEAN THE WAY YOU EMBARRASSED
YOUR DAD WHEN HE WAS IN OFFICE?

154
00:07:18,171 --> 00:07:21,842
IT'S REAL SIMPLE, OKAY? WHENEVER YOU'RE
GETTING OUT OF ANY KIND OF VEHICLE,

155
00:07:21,875 --> 00:07:25,145
WEAR UNDERWEAR.

156
00:07:25,178 --> 00:07:27,948
LOOK, THE POINT IS
STAY ON MESSAGE.

157
00:07:27,981 --> 00:07:29,917
YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ME.
THIS IS YOUR DEAL.

158
00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:31,685
- I DON'T EVEN EXIST.
- THANK YOU.

159
00:07:31,719 --> 00:07:33,687
- I JUST DON'T WANT ANY SURPRISES.
- FINE.

160
00:07:33,721 --> 00:07:37,190
UH, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SCUBA
TANK DOING IN MY KITCHEN?

161
00:07:37,224 --> 00:07:39,827
IT'S A FIRE EXTINGUISHER
FOR YOUR SAFETY.

162
00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:42,462
OKAY WELL, IT'S NOT A PART
OF MY APPROVED DECOR.

163
00:07:42,496 --> 00:07:47,768
- CAN YOU MAKE IT DISAPPEAR?
- JOE LONGO, MEET MEL BURKE.

164
00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:56,009
SO, LENNOX, YOUR AUNT
HAS A COLORFUL PAST.

165
00:07:56,043 --> 00:08:00,080
YOU MUST'VE HEARD THE STORIES
OR SEEN THE RACY PICTURES?

166
00:08:00,113 --> 00:08:03,183
Come on. All those
pictures were faked.

167
00:08:03,216 --> 00:08:06,153
I mean, there's no way she
ever looked that good.

168
00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:10,190
But the important thing now is that
she is a hard-working public official

169
00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:12,159
and I wear clothes
all the time...

170
00:08:12,192 --> 00:08:14,562
especially when
exiting a vehicle.

171
00:08:17,565 --> 00:08:21,068
SO, RYDER, ARE YOU REBELLIOUS
LIKE YOUR AUNT WAS AT YOUR AGE?

172
00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:22,736
S-s-sure,

173
00:08:22,770 --> 00:08:26,607
sure, but in a very controlled
and responsible way.

174
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:29,476
Aunt Mel feels that rebellion
can best be handled

175
00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:31,612
in a safe and loving
home environment.

176
00:08:33,714 --> 00:08:35,683
Although she's not
here very often.

177
00:08:35,716 --> 00:08:37,084
Because she works all the time.

178
00:08:37,117 --> 00:08:39,787
Work work work. She
loves America.

179
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:46,059
MEL BURKE, HOW DO YOU DO IT ALL?

180
00:08:46,093 --> 00:08:48,829
I just do.

181
00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:51,599
When I'm faced with a
challenge, I rise to it.

182
00:08:51,632 --> 00:08:53,601
It's like I tell
everyone in my office:

183
00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:57,771
there are no problems,
only opportunities.

184
00:08:57,805 --> 00:08:59,272
Cookie?

185
00:08:59,306 --> 00:09:03,110
HOW DOES SOMEONE AS BUSY AS YOU
HAVE TIME TO BAKE COOKIES?

186
00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:04,778
( kids laugh )

187
00:09:04,812 --> 00:09:07,681
She doesn't even know
where the kitchen is.

188
00:09:07,715 --> 00:09:08,782
Yeah, Joe made these.

189
00:09:08,816 --> 00:09:10,550
WHO'S JOE?

190
00:09:10,584 --> 00:09:12,552
ARE YOU HIDING A MAN FROM US?

191
00:09:13,654 --> 00:09:15,856
He's our... nanny.

192
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:18,692
A MALE NANNY? WELL,
LET'S MEET HIM.

193
00:09:18,726 --> 00:09:21,261
Oh, he doesn't like to, you
know, talk to the media.

194
00:09:21,294 --> 00:09:24,632
WHICH MEANS YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN
HIM HIS TALKING POINTS?

195
00:09:24,665 --> 00:09:26,667
What? Talking points?

196
00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:28,669
I don't even know what that is.

197
00:09:28,702 --> 00:09:29,970
CUT, BOYS.

198
00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:32,205
- MEL, CAN WE HAVE A MINUTE?
- ALL RIGHT.

199
00:09:34,007 --> 00:09:36,810
LOOK, THIS WHOLE COOKIE-BAKING
THING IS ADORABLE.

200
00:09:36,844 --> 00:09:38,646
BUT NO ONE'S BUYING IT.

201
00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:41,815
IF I DON'T GET SOMETHING FRESH
AND UNREHEARSED RIGHT ABOUT NOW,

202
00:09:41,849 --> 00:09:44,785
WE'RE GONNA RERUN THE
OLD DUCK MASSACRE.

203
00:09:44,818 --> 00:09:48,188
- WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- WAIT, SO YOU THINK THIS WHOLE THING

204
00:09:48,221 --> 00:09:50,123
HAS BEEN ONE BIG SET...
I'LL GO GET HIM.

205
00:09:51,825 --> 00:09:54,327
C'MON, JOE, SHE'S
LOOKING FOR STORY PORK

206
00:09:54,361 --> 00:09:57,865
OR STORY BEEF OR SOME
KIND OF STORY MEAT.

207
00:09:57,898 --> 00:10:00,834
THE POINT IS WITHOUT
YOU I'M A DEAD DUCK.

208
00:10:02,736 --> 00:10:04,071
I FEEL FOR YOU, I REALLY DO.

209
00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:05,806
JUST NOT ENOUGH TO HELP YOU OUT.

210
00:10:05,839 --> 00:10:07,941
- IT'LL JUST TAKE A COUPLE OF MINUTES.
- YEAH,

211
00:10:07,975 --> 00:10:11,945
THAT'S WHAT THE REPORTER TOLD ME RIGHT
BEFORE I BECAME DOUCHY PORSCHE GUY.

212
00:10:11,979 --> 00:10:15,015
AND HERE THEY ARE, THE COUNCILWOMAN
AND HER CUTE GUY NANNY.

213
00:10:15,048 --> 00:10:18,786
- ( scoffs ) Okay.
- Joe, please please?

214
00:10:18,819 --> 00:10:21,955
JUST TWO QUESTIONS, THAT'S ALL I'M ASKING.
I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT.

215
00:10:21,989 --> 00:10:24,758
- I'LL COOK DINNER FOR YOU.
- DON'T YOU EVER DO THAT.

216
00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:26,727
I WILL NEVER COOK YOU DINNER.

217
00:10:29,396 --> 00:10:32,065
ALL RIGHT, YOU'VE GOT TWO QUESTIONS.
SHOOT.

218
00:10:32,099 --> 00:10:36,704
SO, JOE LONGO, WHAT IS IT LIKE
TO HAVE MEL BURKE AS A BOSS?

219
00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:40,140
Okay, first of all,
I'm freelance.

220
00:10:40,173 --> 00:10:44,044
OF COURSE. BUT YOU USED TO
WORK FOR SCANLON TRUST.

221
00:10:44,077 --> 00:10:47,280
HEY, I RAN MY DIVISION
ETHICALLY AND RESPONSIBLY.

222
00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:50,617
SCANLON TOOK DOWN SO MANY
INNOCENT PEOPLE, DIDN'T HE?

223
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,720
DON'T TRY TO TWIST
MY WORDS AROUND...

224
00:10:52,753 --> 00:10:55,255
YES. YES, THAT'S TRUE.

225
00:10:55,288 --> 00:10:59,626
BUT WHERE OTHERS WOULD BE
BITTER, YOU'VE MOVED ON.

226
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,061
NOW YOU'RE A NANNY.

227
00:11:01,094 --> 00:11:04,164
CLEARLY, IT TAKES A MAN
WHO IS TOTALLY SECURE

228
00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:06,800
IN HIS MASCULINITY TO
TAKE ON A JOB LIKE THIS.

229
00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:10,103
ACTUALLY, IT DOES.

230
00:11:12,706 --> 00:11:13,841
HOW DO YOU DO IT?

231
00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:15,776
IT'S ALL ABOUT
ORGANIZATION, REALLY.

232
00:11:15,809 --> 00:11:17,845
YOU JUST MAKE A PLAN AND
YOU STICK TO THE PLAN

233
00:11:17,878 --> 00:11:19,980
AND THEN YOU TRY TO CELEBRATE
THE LITTLE THINGS.

234
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:24,117
Ladies, drop everything
and get one of these!

235
00:11:24,151 --> 00:11:26,053
Well, actually there
is only one of these

236
00:11:26,086 --> 00:11:28,121
so it's kinda of a first
come, first serve.

237
00:11:28,155 --> 00:11:30,257
Okay. That was wonderful.

238
00:11:30,290 --> 00:11:32,325
THANK YOU, JOE. LET'S LEAVE
THIS POOR MAN ALONE.

239
00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:35,729
NO, THIS POOR MAN'S FINE.
WHY DON'T YOU STICK AROUND?

240
00:11:35,763 --> 00:11:36,964
I DON'T MIND IF I DO.

241
00:11:36,997 --> 00:11:39,767
So, Joe, tell me what
you're making here.

242
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,770
Well, it's just chili. But it's
my grandmother's secret recipe.

243
00:11:42,803 --> 00:11:44,437
- Then I won't tell a soul.
- Okay,

244
00:11:44,471 --> 00:11:48,341
OKAY, WE GOT DICED SHALLOTS,
CHILI PEPPER AND OF COURSE...

245
00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:50,978
- the secret ingredient.
- Dark chocolate?

246
00:11:51,011 --> 00:11:53,313
Yeah, you wouldn't believe
how rich it makes the sauce.

247
00:11:53,346 --> 00:11:55,348
HE ACTUALLY MADE
THIS VERY SAME CHILI

248
00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:58,218
THE NIGHT THAT MY LANDMARK
PRESCHOOL REFORM BILL PASSED.

249
00:11:58,251 --> 00:12:02,189
We had over 300 parents and
children gathered at City Hall.

250
00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:04,457
- I was fighting back tears and I said...
- FIRE!

251
00:12:04,491 --> 00:12:07,094
EVERYBODY BACK! EVERYBODY BACK!

252
00:12:07,127 --> 00:12:08,862
KEEP ROLLING!

253
00:12:12,866 --> 00:12:14,768
Sorry about that.

254
00:12:14,802 --> 00:12:17,404
Did you see that? I
mean, he's amazing!

255
00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:20,007
Is there anything you can't do?

256
00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:22,810
No comment.

257
00:12:22,843 --> 00:12:24,812
So I told those
preschool families...

258
00:12:24,845 --> 00:12:26,780
oh, screw it.

259
00:12:28,816 --> 00:12:31,885
DOUGIE, HERE YOU GO, MAN.
FRISCO, THERE YOU GO, BUDDY.

260
00:12:31,919 --> 00:12:34,054
LISTEN GUYS, REHEAT
THAT AT 300°.

261
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:36,489
280 AND IT'S RUINED!
I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.

262
00:12:36,523 --> 00:12:39,759
I GOTTA SAY, I WAS WRONG.
I THINK THAT WENT GREAT.

263
00:12:39,793 --> 00:12:41,862
CELESTE SAYS IT'S GOING
TO BE A TERRIFIC PIECE.

264
00:12:41,895 --> 00:12:43,797
- I THINK I REALLY HELPED YOU OUT THERE.
- HELPED ME WHAT?

265
00:12:43,831 --> 00:12:46,466
DISAPPEAR INTO THE BACKGROUND
LIKE THAT FIRE EXTINGUISHER?

266
00:12:46,499 --> 00:12:49,803
I'M SENSING A LITTLE VIBE HERE
AND IT'S NOT APPRECIATION.

267
00:12:49,837 --> 00:12:51,872
I HAD A CHANCE TO LOOK SERIOUS,

268
00:12:51,905 --> 00:12:54,074
TO BE TOLEDO'S HARD-WORKING
CITY COUNCILWOMAN.

269
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:55,943
AND INSTEAD I ENDED
UP THE SIDEKICK

270
00:12:55,976 --> 00:12:58,745
IN "JOE LONGO'S CHOCOLATE
CHILI THROW-DOWN."

271
00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:00,814
IT WAS YOU'RE IDEA FOR
ME TO BE STORY MEAT.

272
00:13:00,848 --> 00:13:03,416
YEAH WELL, I GUESS I
SHOULD HAVE GONE VEGAN.

273
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:06,053
IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE TWO QUESTIONS
AND THEN YOU GOT ALL ADORABLE!

274
00:13:06,086 --> 00:13:08,856
- I BET THEY OFFER YOU YOUR OWN MORNING SHOW!
- WHAT ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT?

275
00:13:08,889 --> 00:13:10,757
SHE SHOT THE WHOLE DAY WITH
YOU AT YOUR OFFICE, RIGHT?

276
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:13,793
OH YES, ALL THAT FASCINATING
HALLS-OF-GOVERNMENT STUFF.

277
00:13:13,827 --> 00:13:15,795
SNIP SNIP SNIP SNIP SNIP
SNIP SNIP SNIP SNIP!

278
00:13:15,829 --> 00:13:17,764
THEY'RE NEVER GOING TO RUN
ANY OF THAT DEMOCRACY CRAP!

279
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:21,534
- I'M SORRY THAT YOU CAME OFF BORING.
- I WAS NOT BORING.

280
00:13:21,568 --> 00:13:26,373
I WAS SINCERE. I WAS LIKE C-SPAN AND
YOU WERE LIKE CIRQUE DU SO-LONGO!

281
00:13:26,406 --> 00:13:29,076
OH, CHOCOLATE, FIRE,
ACTS OF DERRING-DO!

282
00:13:29,109 --> 00:13:31,078
- THEY LOVED IT!
- I KNOW!

283
00:13:31,111 --> 00:13:33,046
- SO YOU'RE PISSED BECAUSE IT WENT WELL.
- YES!

284
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:36,083
- I'M SORRY I DIDN'T SCREW THINGS UP FOR YOU!
- APOLOGY ACCEPTED!

285
00:13:37,851 --> 00:13:40,353
AND YOU GAVE AWAY ALL THE CHILI...
KISS-ASS.

286
00:13:50,297 --> 00:13:52,432
JOE, CAN WE INSTALL
THIS ALARM NOW?

287
00:13:52,465 --> 00:13:54,401
I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE YOU
SHOULD ASK YOUR AUNT.

288
00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:57,204
IF SHE WANTS US TO DO IT THEN WE
PROBABLY SHOULDN'T, 'CAUSE APPARENTLY

289
00:13:57,237 --> 00:14:00,273
WHEN SHE ASKS YOU TO DO SOMETHING AND
YOU DO IT, THEN SHE GETS MAD AT YOU.

290
00:14:00,307 --> 00:14:02,842
I'LL TELL YOU THE KIND OF ALARM
I'D LIKE TO INSTALL, RYDER.

291
00:14:02,876 --> 00:14:05,913
THE KIND THAT GOES OFF WHEN
SOMEONE STEALS THE SPOTLIGHT.

292
00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:10,918
THAT WASN'T ABOUT
THE ALARM, WAS IT?

293
00:14:10,951 --> 00:14:12,619
SMART BOY.

294
00:14:14,321 --> 00:14:17,224
- ♪ Can't touch this... ♪
- LENNOX, I NEED TO WORK

295
00:14:17,257 --> 00:14:20,860
- AND THAT THING'S DISTRACTING.
- COME ON, AUNT MEL! IT'S THE ONLY PLACE I CAN DO THIS!

296
00:14:20,894 --> 00:14:23,830
I'M SORRY, BUT WORK TAKES PRECEDENCE
OVER KIDS' DANCEY GAMES THAT LIKE TO...

297
00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:26,199
LOOK, I JUST GOT 1,000 POINTS.

298
00:14:26,233 --> 00:14:29,202
KEEP GOING, KEEP GOING! OH
LOOK, YOU JUST GOT A COMBO!

299
00:14:29,236 --> 00:14:32,305
- SEE? DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER NOW?
- YEAH, I DO.

300
00:14:32,339 --> 00:14:35,842
WOW, I SHOULD GET ONE
OF THESE FOR MY OFFICE.

301
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:39,279
OH AND LOOK! VIRTUAL
ME IS GLOWING!

302
00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:41,114
AND IS 5'8".

303
00:15:00,033 --> 00:15:02,902
HEY, YOU WANT TO COME IN?

304
00:15:02,936 --> 00:15:04,404
NOT REALLY.

305
00:15:04,437 --> 00:15:07,040
OKAY. YOU WANT ME TO
HAVE MEL COME OUT?

306
00:15:07,074 --> 00:15:08,541
OH NO.

307
00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:12,045
I'M GONNA GO TO THE
TRASH CAN NOW.

308
00:15:12,079 --> 00:15:13,646
CAN I JOIN YOU?

309
00:15:14,647 --> 00:15:16,616
SURE. YEAH.

310
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,619
( exhales )

311
00:15:19,652 --> 00:15:23,023
I FEEL BETTER. EXERCISE
RELEASES ENDORPHINS.

312
00:15:23,056 --> 00:15:25,558
IS SOMETHING ON YOUR MIND?

313
00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:28,528
I SAW MY FRIEND JULIE
FROM "TOLEDO TODAY"

314
00:15:28,561 --> 00:15:30,330
AND SHE SHOWED ME
THE PIECE ON MEL.

315
00:15:30,363 --> 00:15:31,999
CELESTE MADE MEL LOOK BAD...

316
00:15:32,032 --> 00:15:34,367
LIKE A DRIVEN,
CAREER-OBSESSED WORKBOT

317
00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:37,237
WHO LETS HER NANNY TAKE
CARE OF EVERYTHING.

318
00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:38,938
YOU CAME ACROSS GREAT.

319
00:15:38,972 --> 00:15:40,540
I'M VERY PHOTOGENIC.

320
00:15:40,573 --> 00:15:42,942
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS EIGHT,
MY MOM PUT ME IN COMMERCIALS.

321
00:15:42,976 --> 00:15:44,944
I'D KILL TO HAVE YOUR EYELASHES.

322
00:15:44,978 --> 00:15:47,180
- NAW.
- WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

323
00:15:47,214 --> 00:15:50,383
IT'S A DISASTER. SOMEBODY SHOULD LET MEL
KNOW, BUT I DON'T WANT IT TO BE ME.

324
00:15:50,417 --> 00:15:52,685
- PLEASE NOT ME, NOT ME!
- OKAY, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

325
00:15:52,719 --> 00:15:55,088
TAKE A DEEP BREATH... TAKE A FEW.
I'LL HANDLE THIS.

326
00:15:55,122 --> 00:15:57,924
OKAY? ALL RIGHT.

327
00:15:57,957 --> 00:15:59,092
WAIT A MINUTE!

328
00:15:59,126 --> 00:16:01,161
WERE YOU THE "HEY, THAT'S
MY PEANUT BUTTER!" KID?

329
00:16:03,130 --> 00:16:06,266
NO, THAT WAS RICKY SCHROEDER.
IT WAS POLITICAL.

330
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:16,676
( knocks )

331
00:16:16,709 --> 00:16:19,079
HEY, ANYBODY IN
HERE INTERESTED IN

332
00:16:19,112 --> 00:16:21,314
MY SHOULD-BE-FAMOUS
BOLOGNESE SAUCE?

333
00:16:21,348 --> 00:16:23,416
WELL, IF IT ISN'T
NANNY McFABULOUS.

334
00:16:23,450 --> 00:16:25,018
WHAT'S THE OCCASION?

335
00:16:26,553 --> 00:16:29,089
- IT'S A BRIBE.
- BRIBING ME WITH SAUCE.

336
00:16:29,122 --> 00:16:31,358
KEEP TALKING.

337
00:16:31,391 --> 00:16:34,127
YEAH, YOU MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN THE
WRONG IMPRESSION ABOUT MEL

338
00:16:34,161 --> 00:16:36,196
WHEN YOU WERE OVER AT THE
HOUSE THE OTHER DAY.

339
00:16:36,229 --> 00:16:38,998
THAT SHE'S A WORK-OBSESSED

340
00:16:39,032 --> 00:16:41,501
CONTROL FREAK WHO'S HANDED
HER KIDS OFF TO THE NANNY

341
00:16:41,534 --> 00:16:43,636
AND LIES ABOUT BAKING?

342
00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:46,673
ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT THE
RIGHT IMPRESSION,

343
00:16:46,706 --> 00:16:48,675
BUT IT'S, UM... IT'S NOT TRUE.

344
00:16:49,742 --> 00:16:52,212
JOE, IT'S NICE OF YOU
TO GO TO BAT FOR HER,

345
00:16:52,245 --> 00:16:54,581
BUT I SAW WHAT I SAW.
THE CAMERA DOESN'T LIE.

346
00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:56,716
YEAH, NEITHER DOES
THE CELL PHONE.

347
00:16:56,749 --> 00:16:59,352
LET ME SHOW YOU
SOMETHING THAT I SHOT.

348
00:16:59,386 --> 00:17:02,021
THIS IS HER AT RYDER'S
BASEBALL GAME.

349
00:17:02,055 --> 00:17:04,324
- ( cheering )
- Go Ryder, go!

350
00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:06,393
Yeah! Eat dirt, Red Sox!

351
00:17:08,061 --> 00:17:10,197
AND THAT WAS WHEN RYDER
HIT A FOUL BALL.

352
00:17:10,230 --> 00:17:13,633
AND HERE SHE IS AT
LENNOX'S POETRY RECITAL.

353
00:17:13,666 --> 00:17:15,735
Go Lennox, go! Woo-hoo, yeah!

354
00:17:15,768 --> 00:17:18,805
Eat dirt, Maya Angelou!

355
00:17:20,073 --> 00:17:22,275
THAT'S THE SIDE OF HER
YOU DIDN'T GET TO SEE.

356
00:17:22,309 --> 00:17:25,278
SHE'S PASSIONATE AND-AND CARING.

357
00:17:25,312 --> 00:17:28,115
AND SHE'S A GREAT AUNT AND MAKES A
REALLY REALLY GOOD COUNCILPERSON.

358
00:17:28,148 --> 00:17:31,684
OH MY GOD. YOU TWO HAVE A THING.

359
00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:35,222
WHAT?! NO! NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT.

360
00:17:35,255 --> 00:17:38,125
NOT UNLESS BY "THING" YOU MEAN
SHE'S TERRIBLY IRRITATING.

361
00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:41,628
NO, IT'S JUST THAT I ADMIRE HER.

362
00:17:41,661 --> 00:17:43,396
SHE'S A GOOD PERSON

363
00:17:43,430 --> 00:17:46,099
AND I JUST WISH YOUR
STORY WOULD SHOW THAT.

364
00:17:46,133 --> 00:17:48,301
ARE YOU DONE?

365
00:17:49,636 --> 00:17:52,071
YES, I'M DONE.

366
00:17:52,105 --> 00:17:53,540
NO, UM...

367
00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:56,309
WHEN YOU REHEAT THAT SAUCE, YOU
HAVE TO DO IT ON THE STOVE TOP.

368
00:17:56,343 --> 00:17:58,545
'CAUSE IF YOU DO IT IN THE
MICROWAVE IT WILL EXPLODE

369
00:17:58,578 --> 00:17:59,779
AND CLEAN-UP IS A BITCH.

370
00:18:01,148 --> 00:18:03,216
ENJOY.

371
00:18:03,250 --> 00:18:06,819
Y'KNOW, I THINK THERE'S
ENOUGH HERE FOR TWO.

372
00:18:08,488 --> 00:18:10,757
ANY PARTICULAR TWO?

373
00:18:12,125 --> 00:18:15,528
That was dynamic Mel
Burke: aunt, friend,

374
00:18:15,562 --> 00:18:18,798
councilperson and the focus
of today's "Toledo Today."

375
00:18:18,831 --> 00:18:21,668
WOW, THAT TURNED
OUT PRETTY GREAT!

376
00:18:21,701 --> 00:18:24,704
THANK GOD, BECAUSE IT
WAS SO HORRIBLE BEFORE.

377
00:18:24,737 --> 00:18:26,639
BEFORE WHAT?

378
00:18:26,673 --> 00:18:28,741
BEFORE IT GOT BETTER?

379
00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:30,610
STEPHANIE, COME.

380
00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:32,712
SIT. SPEAK.

381
00:18:34,247 --> 00:18:36,849
OKAY, I FOUND OUT FROM MY
FRIEND JULIE AT CHANNEL 8

382
00:18:36,883 --> 00:18:39,586
THAT CELESTE'S FIRST CLIP
MADE YOU LOOK LIKE A ROBOTIC,

383
00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:41,454
CAREER-OBSESSED SUPERBITCH.

384
00:18:41,488 --> 00:18:44,157
THOSE WORDS ARE LIKE
ASHES IN MY MOUTH.

385
00:18:44,191 --> 00:18:47,093
SO I WENT AND TOLD JOE AND HE
WENT AND TALKED TO CELESTE...

386
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:48,795
- JOE?
- YEAH.

387
00:18:48,828 --> 00:18:51,164
DID YOU KNOW HE USE TO
DO COMMERCIALS AS A KID?

388
00:18:51,198 --> 00:18:53,300
AND HOW POLITICAL THAT WORLD IS?

389
00:18:53,333 --> 00:18:56,303
ANYWAY, AFTER HE TALKED TO
HER, SHE CHANGED EVERYTHING.

390
00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:58,238
SO HAPPY ENDING, RIGHT?

391
00:18:58,271 --> 00:18:59,606
YOU WANNA WATCH IT AGAIN?

392
00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:01,874
'CAUSE YOU LOOK
REALLY MAD AT ME.

393
00:19:01,908 --> 00:19:04,411
- WHO ASKED JOE TO INTERVENE?
- NOT ME!

394
00:19:04,444 --> 00:19:06,246
HE THINKS HE HAS TO RESCUE ME?

395
00:19:06,279 --> 00:19:08,415
HE THINKS I CAN'T
TAKE CARE OF MYSELF?

396
00:19:08,448 --> 00:19:11,284
I MEAN, SURE, I START THE OCCASIONAL
KITCHEN FIRE AND HE HAS TO PUT IT OUT.

397
00:19:11,318 --> 00:19:13,520
AND I INVITE A CONNIVING
REPORTER INTO OUR HOUSE,

398
00:19:13,553 --> 00:19:15,121
EVEN THOUGH HE WARNED ME NOT TO.

399
00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:17,257
AND I DEPEND ON HIM
IN A LOT OF WAYS,

400
00:19:17,290 --> 00:19:20,693
BUT HE SHOULD LET ME TAKE CARE OF...
MYSELF.

401
00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:25,365
HE'S REALLY A VERY
APPEALING GUY...

402
00:19:25,398 --> 00:19:27,834
IF YOU LIKE THAT.
PLEASE DON'T FIRE ME.

403
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:35,675
"LOOK, JOE, I BROUGHT
YOU SOME DINNER,

404
00:19:35,708 --> 00:19:38,645
BUT I DIDN'T COOK IT,
SO YOU'RE SAFE."

405
00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:41,548
"HEY, I HOPE YOU LIKE DIM
SUM 'CAUSE I GOT SOME."

406
00:19:41,581 --> 00:19:43,683
DON'T SAY THAT.

407
00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:45,818
NUT UP, BURKE, AND JUST GO IN.

408
00:20:09,842 --> 00:20:12,178
STEPHANIE, HEY, IT'S ME.

409
00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:13,813
I JUST REMEMBERED SOME THINGS

410
00:20:13,846 --> 00:20:15,548
I NEED TO GO OVER WITH
YOU AT THE OFFICE.

411
00:20:15,582 --> 00:20:17,417
CAN YOU MEET ME RIGHT NOW?

412
00:20:17,450 --> 00:20:22,989
GREAT. AND I'LL BRING DINNER.
OKAY.

413
00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:34,501
♪ You can't touch this ♪

414
00:20:36,603 --> 00:20:37,670
♪ Can't touch this ♪

415
00:20:40,273 --> 00:20:41,441
♪ Can't touch this ♪

416
00:20:43,710 --> 00:20:45,011
♪ Can't touch this ♪

417
00:20:46,279 --> 00:20:47,246
♪ My my ♪

418
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:50,417
HA HA! BEAT YOU AGAIN!

419
00:20:50,450 --> 00:20:53,219
- NO, ONE MORE TIME.
- I'VE ACTUALLY GOT SOME HOMEWORK I HAVE TO DO.

420
00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:55,355
NO NO NO, I'LL WRITE A NOTE.
WE'RE GOING AGAIN.

421
00:20:55,388 --> 00:20:57,357
I STILL HAVE THE HIGHEST SCORE.
SEE?

422
00:20:58,358 --> 00:21:00,259
WAIT A MINUTE, SOMEONE BEAT ME?

423
00:21:00,293 --> 00:21:01,828
- WHO IS J-LO?
- I DON'T KNOW.

424
00:21:01,861 --> 00:21:04,697
IT'S NOT ME AND IT'S NOT RYDER.
HE'S DANCE GOD RYDER.

425
00:21:04,731 --> 00:21:08,368
HEY LADIES. OH, YOU STILL WASTING
YOUR TIME WITH THIS THING?

426
00:21:08,401 --> 00:21:11,771
YEAH. YEAH WE ARE, J-LO.

427
00:21:11,804 --> 00:21:13,272
- HA.
- WHAT?

428
00:21:13,306 --> 00:21:16,309
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU
GUYS ARE TALKING ABOUT.

429
00:21:18,745 --> 00:21:19,846
♪ Can't touch this ♪

430
00:21:22,582 --> 00:21:24,784
♪ Can't touch this ♪

431
00:21:24,817 --> 00:21:26,819
( theme music playing )