1
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"MELISSA & JOEY" IS RECORDED IN
FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.

2
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( doorbell rings )

3
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( doorbell rings )

4
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DON'T GET UP.

5
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- YEAH?
- HI, I'M STEPHANIE KRAUSE.

6
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I'M MEL'S NEW LEGISLATIVE ASSISTANT...
WELL, SORTA NEW.

7
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- I MEAN, I WAS AN INTERN FOREVER.
- YEAH, WE'VE MET.

8
00:00:29,763 --> 00:00:31,999
YOU'VE BEEN HERE,
LIKE EIGHT TIMES.

9
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- PEOPLE DON'T ALWAYS REMEMBER ME.
- YEAH.

10
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HI, I'M STEPHANIE KRAUSE. I'M
MEL'S NEW LEGISLATIVE ASSISTANT.

11
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- SURE, I KNOW.
- STEPHANIE.

12
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- SO WHAT'S ON THE AGENDA?
- REMEMBER HOW WE TALKED THIS MORNING

13
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ABOUT GETTING YOU OUT
INTO THE COMMUNITY MORE?

14
00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:46,680
I GOT YOU SOME OPTIONS.

15
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- 5K RUN...
- NO.

16
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- ...10K RUN...
- NO TIMES TWO.

17
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- ...PANCAKE BREAKFAST...
- WARMER.

18
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- ...SINGLES' NIGHT DODGEBALL...
- WHAT?

19
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OOPS, SORRY, THAT'S MINE...

20
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AND COMPETING IN A
CHARITY DANCE CONTEST.

21
00:01:01,195 --> 00:01:03,030
- EH.
- WHAT'S "EH"?

22
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THAT SOUNDS GREAT. IF IT'S ABOUT
GETTING YOUR FACE OUT THERE,

23
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HOW WOULD YOU RATHER BE SEEN?
IN A SMOKING HOT DRESS

24
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OR WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PANCAKES?

25
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HONESTLY, ON A SKILL LEVEL,

26
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I'M BETTER AT THE
PANCAKE EATING.

27
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LET ME SEE THIS THING. COME
ON, THIS IS GONNA BE COOL.

28
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"DANCING WITH THE STARS...

29
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OF TOLEDO."

30
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CAN'T I JUST BE A
JUDGE OR SOMETHING?

31
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I'M REALLY GOOD AT
SNARKY COMMENTS.

32
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NICE SHIRT. HA! SEE?

33
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AUNT MEL, THE PRIZE MONEY GOES
TO THE CHARITY OF YOUR CHOICE.

34
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YOU COULD TOTALLY DO IT FOR THE
INNER-CITY AT-RISK TEENS I TUTOR.

35
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- OH, THAT'S SO NICE.
- I'M A GOOD PERSON.

36
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I MADE YOU DO THAT.

37
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YEAH, BUT I NO LONGER
RESENT YOU FOR IT.

38
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PLEASE, AUNT MEL. THIS MONEY COULD
BE LIFE-CHANGING FOR THESE KIDS.

39
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JUST FOR ARGUMENT'S SAKE, WHO
WOULD I BE DANCING WITH?

40
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SANITATION CHIEF
FRANKIE ZARNECKI,

41
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A.K.A., THE RUMBA
KING OF TOLEDO.

42
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YOU WANT ME TO DANCE
WITH FRANKIE ZARNECKI?

43
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HE'S GROPEY AND HE
SMELLS LIKE DOODY.

44
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SO... YES?

45
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HOW DID YOU GET "YES" FROM THAT?

46
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ISN'T THERE A SOME COCKTAIL FOR KIDS
WHERE I CAN THROW OUT THE FIRST OLIVE?

47
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PLEASE, DO NOT THROW
OUT THE DANCE CONTEST.

48
00:02:09,297 --> 00:02:11,865
- JUST GET ANOTHER PARTNER.
- LIKE WHO?

49
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ALL RIGHT, STOP BEGGING.
I'LL DO IT.

50
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SINCE WHEN ARE YOU A DANCER?

51
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ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I HAD EXTENSIVE
DANCE TRAINING FOR MY WEDDING.

52
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OH? WHERE? AT THE
DANCE-TO-YOUR-DIVORCE ACADEMY

53
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OF THE DIVORCED?

54
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JUST TO LET YOU KNOW,

55
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MY DANCE TEACHER TOLD ME THAT I WAS
THE BEST STUDENT SHE EVER HAD.

56
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- SAID I HAD THE GRACE OF A PANTHER...
- ( hisses )

57
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...AND THE PHYSIQUE
OF AN ACTION STAR.

58
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I CAN SEE THAT.

59
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SO THE DANCE TEACHER SELLING YOU
LESSONS SAID YOU WERE A NATURAL?

60
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UNHEARD OF.

61
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OKAY, MEL. YOU'RE
ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

62
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I REALLY DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.

63
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OH MY GOD! DO YOU WANT TO GO
TO SINGLES' NIGHT DODGEBALL?

64
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SO WHAT DO YOU SAY, AUNT MEL?

65
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FINE.

66
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I'LL DO IT. BUT SOMEBODY'S
MAKING ME PANCAKES.

67
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♪ I GUESS YOU'RE STUCK WITH ME ♪

68
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IT'S JUST THAT HISTORY HAS
NOTHING TO DO WITH MY LIFE.

69
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WHY DO I HAVE TO DO A
STUPID ORAL REPORT

70
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ON THINGS THAT
HAPPENED SO LONG AGO?

71
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AMERICAN HISTORY IS
IMPORTANT, DUDE.

72
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- WHAT ARE YOU GUYS WORKING ON?
- THE 1980s.

73
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( chuckles ) THE 1980s.

74
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SERIOUSLY?

75
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THE 1980s? THAT'S HISTORY NOW?

76
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YEAH. HEY, YOU WERE
ALIVE WAY BACK THEN.

77
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WHAT WAS IT LIKE?

78
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IT WAS BRUTAL, MAN, BRUTAL.

79
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WE SAT AROUND THE
FIRE IN OUR CAVES

80
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JUST WAITING FOR THE CELL
PHONE TO BE INVENTED.

81
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- HOW DID YOU TEXT PEOPLE?
- YOU KNOW, IT WAS CRAZY.

82
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BACK THEN WHEN WE HAD
MEANINGLESS INFORMATION,

83
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WE JUST KEPT IT TO OURSELVES.

84
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OKAY, I'VE GOT HALF AN HOUR.

85
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HALF AN HOUR? DIDN'T
YOU GET THE SCHEDULE?

86
00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:01,975
I SAID WE NEED SIX TO SEVEN HOURS
A DAY MINIMUM FOR THE NEXT WEEK.

87
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YEAH, 29 MINUTES.

88
00:04:03,711 --> 00:04:05,946
ALL RIGHT, FINE. WHATEVER.

89
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STAND UP.

90
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- STRAIGHTER.
- JEEZ.

91
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ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE GONNA
PUT ONE HAND HERE

92
00:04:14,422 --> 00:04:15,689
AND THE OTHER HAND ON
MY OTHER SHOULDER.

93
00:04:15,723 --> 00:04:19,760
- YOU MEAN TOUCH YOU?
- CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

94
00:04:19,793 --> 00:04:21,395
AND YOU'RE GONNA LOCK YOUR
THUMB UNDERNEATH MY ARMPIT.

95
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NOT ENOUGH MONEY IN THE WORLD.

96
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THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE. IT'S CALLED
THE TANGO. WE NEED TO LOCK ELBOWS.

97
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I'M NOT LOCKING ANY OF MY
BODY PARTS WITH YOURS.

98
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COME ON, YOU CAN DO THIS.

99
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I KNOW I CAN. I
JUST DON'T WANT TO.

100
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ALL RIGHT. ONE HAND HERE

101
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- AND MY THUMB THERE.
- EXACTLY.

102
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AND THE MAN... THAT
WOULD BE ME...

103
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- I PUT MY HAND RIGHT HERE.
- ( laughs )

104
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- DON'T LAUGH.
- WELL, DON'T TICKLE ME.

105
00:04:45,753 --> 00:04:47,355
- I'M NOT TICKLING YOU.
- I'M TICKLISH THERE.

106
00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:48,922
YOU'RE TICKLISH ON
YOUR UPPER BACK?

107
00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:51,291
I'M TICKLISH IN A LOT OF PLACES
I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU ABOUT.

108
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IT'S LIKE GIVING
AWAY LAUNCH CODES.

109
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WELL, I WOULDN'T WANT TO
ACCIDENTALLY SET YOU OFF.

110
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LOOK, YOU'RE GONNA FEEL
PRESSURE AGAINST YOUR HAND

111
00:04:57,398 --> 00:04:58,666
AND YOU'RE GONNA
GO AGAINST THAT.

112
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THIS IS LIKE TWO MAGNETS...

113
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TWO MAGNETS THAT ARE BEING
REPELLED BY EACH OTHER.

114
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SO DANCING WITH YOU IS
BASED ON REPULSION.

115
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I AM GONNA BE AWESOME AT THIS.

116
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YOU'RE SO CUTE. REALLY.
YEAH. AWESOME.

117
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- OKAY, ARE YOU READY?
- MM-HMM.

118
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I'M GONNA MOVE AND
YOU'RE GONNA FOLLOW.

119
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- ( laughs )
- HOW DOES THAT FEEL?

120
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GOOD. REALLY GOOD.

121
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I MEAN, IN A DANCING
SORT OF WAY.

122
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YOU SEE, THE TANGO IS
ALL ABOUT PASSION.

123
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THE MAN LEADS AND
THE WOMAN FOLLOWS

124
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UNTIL THEY BECOME...

125
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ONE.

126
00:05:39,039 --> 00:05:40,841
OKAY, I THINK I NEED A BREAK.

127
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HUH. ME TOO, YEAH.

128
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THAT WAS REALLY KIND OF...

129
00:05:44,878 --> 00:05:46,880
NO, I TOTALLY FEEL THE SAME WAY.

130
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THE PROBLEM HERE IS...
LET'S FACE IT...

131
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THAT WE HAVE THIS CHEMISTRY
THAT'S JUST SO...

132
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- FAKE.
- YEAH, I COULDN'T AGREE WITH YOU MORE.

133
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YEAH. NO, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

134
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THAT'S WHAT WE'RE
UP AGAINST HERE,

135
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- SO WE'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO SELL IT.
- YEAH. HEY.

136
00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:03,797
- OOH! I GOT IT! OKAY.
- MM-HMM?

137
00:06:03,831 --> 00:06:05,766
YOU KNOW THOSE
BROTHER/SISTER DANCE TEAMS?

138
00:06:05,799 --> 00:06:07,635
YEAH, CREEPY.

139
00:06:07,668 --> 00:06:09,703
MMM, SO CREEPY.

140
00:06:09,737 --> 00:06:12,940
BUT THEY DO THESE PASSIONATE
DANCES AND PEOPLE BUY IT.

141
00:06:12,973 --> 00:06:15,509
- WE COULD DO THAT.
- YEAH.

142
00:06:15,543 --> 00:06:17,978
YEAH, I COULD PRETEND TO
LIKE YOU, BROTHER JOE.

143
00:06:18,011 --> 00:06:21,949
AND I COULD PRETEND TO HAVE
PASSION FOR YOU, SISTER MEL.

144
00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:23,984
- ( beeps )
- ( tango music playing )

145
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- IT'S STILL A LITTLE CREEPY.
- YEAH, BUT I CAN DEAL WITH IT.

146
00:06:47,808 --> 00:06:49,877
OH! THANKS, STEPHANIE.

147
00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:52,446
I KNOW THIS ISN'T EXACTLY
WHAT YOU SIGNED ON FOR.

148
00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:54,682
NO. THIS IS SO MUCH
BETTER THAN MY OLD JOB.

149
00:06:56,784 --> 00:06:58,952
I REALLY DON'T WANT
TO HEAR ABOUT THAT.

150
00:06:58,986 --> 00:07:01,555
CAN YOU MAKE THE 4:00 SIT-DOWN
WITH THE CITY ATTORNEY?

151
00:07:01,589 --> 00:07:04,024
OH, PUSH IT TO 6:00. JOE'S
GOT ME REHEARSING FOR HOURS.

152
00:07:04,057 --> 00:07:06,426
ALL THIS FOR A DINKY FUNDRAISER.

153
00:07:06,460 --> 00:07:08,629
OH, BY THE WAY, AMAZING NEWS...

154
00:07:08,662 --> 00:07:11,965
CHANNEL 8 CALLED. THEY'RE GOING TO
TELEVISE THE WHOLE THING... LIVE.

155
00:07:11,999 --> 00:07:15,803
- WHAT?! THAT'S TERRIBLE NEWS.
- WHAT IS TERRIBLE NEWS?

156
00:07:15,836 --> 00:07:18,438
OH, BROTHER JOE,
WAIT TILL YOU HEAR.

157
00:07:18,472 --> 00:07:21,441
OUR DANCE CONTEST IS GOING TO
BE TELEVISED ON CHANNEL 8.

158
00:07:21,475 --> 00:07:24,077
- THAT'S GREAT.
- WHAT IF I TRIP?

159
00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:26,814
I'LL END UP THE LAUGHING STOCK
OF THE GREATER TOLEDO AREA.

160
00:07:26,847 --> 00:07:28,415
I'LL END UP A VIRAL VIDEO.

161
00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:29,817
SCHOOLCHILDREN IN MADRID
WILL BE MOCKING ME.

162
00:07:29,850 --> 00:07:33,787
"LA BAILARINA RIDICULOSO."
( mock laughs )

163
00:07:33,821 --> 00:07:35,989
- YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.
- I NEED TO LOOK GREAT.

164
00:07:36,023 --> 00:07:39,793
AND YOU WILL... FOR
A STAR OF TOLEDO.

165
00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:43,463
WHICH IS NOT NECESSARILY KNOWN
AS THE INTERNATIONAL CAPITAL

166
00:07:43,497 --> 00:07:45,799
- OF BALLROOM DANCE.
- THIS IS HOW YOU INSPIRE YOUR STUDENT?

167
00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:48,468
WOULD IT HURT TO BLOW A
LITTLE SMOKE MY WAY?

168
00:07:49,737 --> 00:07:52,840
YOU ARE GONNA BE FANTASTIC.

169
00:07:56,610 --> 00:07:59,780
- WAS THAT SO HARD?
- IT WASN'T EASY.

170
00:08:10,891 --> 00:08:12,826
LUNGE, FLICK, FLICK.

171
00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:14,528
LUNGE, FLICK, FLICK.

172
00:08:14,562 --> 00:08:16,564
OUT, UP,

173
00:08:16,597 --> 00:08:18,465
TURN AROUND,

174
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:20,233
SPIN AND DROP.

175
00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:22,703
HOW LOW CAN I GO?

176
00:08:24,137 --> 00:08:26,139
- WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
- YEAH, I'VE BEEN THINKING.

177
00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:29,176
THIS IS GONNA BE ON TV AND I
NEED TO SHOW ALL MY STRENGTHS.

178
00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:31,478
I'LL NEVER BE THE BEST
AT PRECISION TANGO,

179
00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:33,914
BUT I CAN BE THE BEST
AT PIZZAZZ TANGO.

180
00:08:35,816 --> 00:08:37,785
THAT'S NOT WHAT
WE'RE DOING HERE.

181
00:08:37,818 --> 00:08:40,087
- JOE, I NEED TO LOOK GOOD.
- OH. ALL RIGHT.

182
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:42,189
WELL, THEN YOU KNOW THE
PIZZAZZY THING YOU JUST DID?

183
00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:43,857
DON'T DO THAT.

184
00:08:43,891 --> 00:08:45,726
- BUT THAT'S ME.
- WELL, HIDE YOU,

185
00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:47,661
BECAUSE THE JUDGES, THEY DON'T
REALLY WANT TO SEE YOU.

186
00:08:47,695 --> 00:08:49,763
WHAT THEY WANT TO SEE IS THE
TANGO ACCORDING TO THE STANDARDS

187
00:08:49,797 --> 00:08:51,632
OF THE WORLDWIDE
BALLROOM FEDERATION.

188
00:08:51,665 --> 00:08:53,500
OH WELL, I DON'T WANT
TO PISS OFF THOSE GUYS.

189
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:55,202
THEY MIGHT SEND
ME TO DANCE JAIL.

190
00:08:55,235 --> 00:08:57,838
ONE OF US IS NOT REALLY
TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY.

191
00:08:57,871 --> 00:08:59,640
- OH, AND THAT'S ME?
- YEAH, THAT'S YOU.

192
00:08:59,673 --> 00:09:01,875
- NOW STAND UP. WE'RE GONNA DANCE.
- WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA.

193
00:09:01,909 --> 00:09:03,811
I THINK I KNOW WHAT
THIS IS ABOUT.

194
00:09:03,844 --> 00:09:05,145
- CONTROL.
- OH MY...

195
00:09:05,178 --> 00:09:07,547
YEAH, YOU LIVE IN MY
HOUSE, YOU WORK FOR ME...

196
00:09:07,581 --> 00:09:10,083
- TECHNICALLY I AM FREELANCE.
- EH-BEH-BEH.

197
00:09:10,117 --> 00:09:12,085
LOOK, YOU PUT UP WITH A LOT,

198
00:09:12,119 --> 00:09:13,787
AND THE ONE TIME YOU'RE
PUT IN A POSITION WHERE

199
00:09:13,821 --> 00:09:15,789
YOU ACTUALLY KNOW SOMETHING, YOU
JUST WANT TO RUN THE WHOLE SHOW.

200
00:09:15,823 --> 00:09:18,659
OR MAYBE IT'S ABOUT SOMEONE WHO LIKES
TO CALL THE SHOTS AT EVERYTHING,

201
00:09:18,692 --> 00:09:21,228
INCLUDING THE EXACT COLOR OF
STRIPES IN OUR TOOTHPASTE.

202
00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:22,830
AND NOW YOU'RE INVOLVED IN
A SITUATION WHERE SOMEBODY

203
00:09:22,863 --> 00:09:24,197
ACTUALLY KNOWS A LITTLE
BIT MORE THAN YOU DO.

204
00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:26,166
HEY, STRIPES ARE
IMPORTANT, OKAY?

205
00:09:26,199 --> 00:09:28,235
THE GREEN FRESHENS AND
THE WHITE DAZZLES.

206
00:09:31,972 --> 00:09:34,875
- CONTROL FREAK!
- POWER-MAD DANCE MASTER!

207
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:37,244
- WELL, GOOD LUCK WITH THE DANCE, BABY.
- GOOD LUCK WITH THE EGO!

208
00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:39,179
- WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!
- FAJITAS!

209
00:09:39,212 --> 00:09:40,814
- I LOVE THOSE!
- ME TOO!

210
00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:52,760
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, JOE.
YOU JUST QUIT?

211
00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:54,762
YOU'RE NOT DANCING IN
THE FUNDRAISER ANYMORE?

212
00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:56,830
I DIDN'T QUIT. YOUR AUNT AND
I HAD ARTISTIC DIFFERENCES.

213
00:09:56,864 --> 00:09:59,800
I'M ARTISTIC AND...
AND SHE'S NUTS.

214
00:10:01,769 --> 00:10:04,237
OKAY. YEAH, YOU
KNEW THAT GOING IN.

215
00:10:04,271 --> 00:10:06,206
AND COME ON, WHAT ABOUT
THE AT-RISK KIDS?

216
00:10:06,239 --> 00:10:08,776
- THEY WERE COUNTING ON YOU GUYS.
- WELL, YOU KNOW,

217
00:10:08,809 --> 00:10:09,977
I'LL BUY THEM SOME
SCRATCH TICKETS

218
00:10:10,010 --> 00:10:11,945
AND HOPE FOR THE BEST.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

219
00:10:13,847 --> 00:10:16,884
I DON'T KNOW. ACT LIKE
AN ADULT AND APOLOGIZE?

220
00:10:16,917 --> 00:10:19,186
- BE THE BIGGER PERSON?
- WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE BIGGER PERSON?

221
00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:23,791
- WHY CAN'T SHE COME TALK TO ME?
- BECAUSE SHE'S BEING THE SMALLER PERSON.

222
00:10:25,893 --> 00:10:27,928
WHY CAN'T WE JUST BE THE
SAME SIZE FOR ONCE?

223
00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:31,364
COME ON. YOU SAY YOU'RE SORRY
AND SHE'LL JUMP AT IT.

224
00:10:31,398 --> 00:10:33,366
AND YOU'LL HAVE SCORED MAJOR
POINTS FOR TAKING THE HIGH ROAD.

225
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:36,737
ALL RIGHT, FINE. HIGH
ROAD, HERE I COME.

226
00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:38,839
- THANK YOU.
- ( sighs )

227
00:10:38,872 --> 00:10:40,874
OH, FINALLY SOME GOOD NEWS.

228
00:10:40,908 --> 00:10:42,342
OH, YOU REALLY CAME THROUGH
FOR ME, STEPHANIE.

229
00:10:42,375 --> 00:10:44,177
I LOVE WORKING FOR YOU.

230
00:10:44,211 --> 00:10:47,915
YOU ARE THE ONLY BOSS I'VE EVER HAD
WHERE YOU PAY ME AND THAT'S IT.

231
00:10:49,783 --> 00:10:52,853
- YES?
- I HOPE I'M NOT INTERRUPTING ANYTHING.

232
00:10:52,886 --> 00:10:55,856
I JUST... I JUST WANTED TO SAY
THAT, UPON FURTHER THOUGHT,

233
00:10:55,889 --> 00:10:57,791
I MAY HAVE LET MY OWN
PERSONAL HIGH STANDARDS

234
00:10:57,825 --> 00:10:59,192
FOR DANCE GET IN THE WAY
OF OUR PARTNERSHIP.

235
00:10:59,226 --> 00:11:02,362
SO I'M HERE TO TELL
YOU THAT I APOL...

236
00:11:03,731 --> 00:11:05,766
I APOLOGIZE.

237
00:11:05,799 --> 00:11:07,701
AND I'VE DECIDED I'M
WILLING TO COME BACK

238
00:11:07,735 --> 00:11:09,903
AND BE YOUR DANCE PARTNER AGAIN.

239
00:11:09,937 --> 00:11:13,741
WELL, THANK YOU FOR YOUR APOL...
OGIZING.

240
00:11:13,774 --> 00:11:17,177
AND I MAY HAVE GONE
A LITTLE FAR TOO.

241
00:11:17,210 --> 00:11:20,748
SO THE BROTHER/SISTER
TEAM IS BACK ON THE ROAD?

242
00:11:20,781 --> 00:11:23,917
- UH, NO.
- THE SISTER IS.

243
00:11:23,951 --> 00:11:26,353
- YEAH, SEE, WHEN YOU QUIT...
- WAIT, I DID NOT QUIT.

244
00:11:26,386 --> 00:11:29,957
- WELL, WHEN WE PARTED WAYS...
- NUH-UH, I JUST NEEDED A BREAK.

245
00:11:29,990 --> 00:11:31,792
SHE GOT A NEW DANCE PARTNER.

246
00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:34,194
WHAT? IT... IT'S
BEEN THREE HOURS.

247
00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:36,830
YEAH, WELL, STEPHANIE MADE SOME
CALLS AND SHE GOT REALLY LUCKY.

248
00:11:36,864 --> 00:11:38,866
SHE GOT THAT MARK BALLAS GUY...

249
00:11:38,899 --> 00:11:40,901
YOU KNOW THAT CUTE GUY FROM THE
REAL "DANCING WITH THE STARS"?

250
00:11:40,934 --> 00:11:43,170
WELL, IT TURNS OUT HE'S IN
DETROIT DOING A LIVE SHOW

251
00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:45,839
AND HE CAN COME OVER ON SATURDAY AND
DANCE WITH ME AT THE FUNDRAISER.

252
00:11:45,873 --> 00:11:48,441
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS PROMISE
TO NAME A STREET AFTER HIM.

253
00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:50,911
AND THERE'S ALREADY
A BALLAS BOULEVARD.

254
00:11:50,944 --> 00:11:53,480
- SHH.
- SHH.

255
00:11:55,749 --> 00:11:57,417
OH, I SEE. MARK BALLAS.

256
00:11:57,450 --> 00:11:59,719
YEAH.

257
00:11:59,753 --> 00:12:02,255
DID... DID HE WIN LAST YEAR?

258
00:12:02,289 --> 00:12:04,157
I DON'T THINK HE DID.

259
00:12:08,495 --> 00:12:11,999
OW! OOH, YOU STABBED ME IN THE
BACK WITH YOUR FINGERNAILS.

260
00:12:12,032 --> 00:12:14,267
OH. NOW YOU KNOW
HOW JOE FEELS...

261
00:12:14,301 --> 00:12:16,003
TO BE STABBED IN THE BACK...

262
00:12:16,036 --> 00:12:18,171
BY A PERSON HE TRUSTED.

263
00:12:18,205 --> 00:12:20,974
OKAY, LOOK, I FEEL BAD FOR JOE,

264
00:12:21,008 --> 00:12:22,843
BUT WE GOT MARK BALLAS.

265
00:12:22,876 --> 00:12:25,278
WE DON'T HAVE MARK BALLAS!

266
00:12:25,312 --> 00:12:27,747
- YET.
- KEEP TALKING. KEEP GLITTERING.

267
00:12:27,781 --> 00:12:30,017
KEEP CALM. MARK BALLAS
IS CAUGHT IN TRAFFIC

268
00:12:30,050 --> 00:12:33,020
AND IS SOMEWHAT DELAYED. AND BY
"SOMEWHAT," I MEAN A FLAT TIRE.

269
00:12:33,053 --> 00:12:34,888
SWEATING.

270
00:12:34,922 --> 00:12:37,190
HE SWEARS HE'LL BE HERE IN
TIME FOR THE COMPETITION.

271
00:12:37,224 --> 00:12:38,826
WHAT IF HE'S NOT? SCHVITZING.

272
00:12:38,859 --> 00:12:40,227
HE WILL BE HERE.

273
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:42,762
YEAH, BUT WHAT IF HE'S NOT AND STUFF?
DRENCHED.

274
00:12:42,796 --> 00:12:44,064
AUNT MEL, I THINK
THESE ARE YOURS.

275
00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:46,499
I CAN'T BELIEVE I LEFT MY
SHOW BOOBS IN THE CAR.

276
00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:47,901
THANKS, RYDER.

277
00:12:50,070 --> 00:12:51,972
DON'T WORRY. EVERYTHING'S
GONNA BE OKAY.

278
00:12:52,005 --> 00:12:55,275
IF BALLAS DOESN'T SHOW, WE'VE
GOT THE RUMBA KING STANDING BY.

279
00:12:59,947 --> 00:13:02,282
OKAY, HE DEFINITELY DIDN'T
LEAVE HIS BOOBS IN THE CAR.

280
00:13:11,825 --> 00:13:14,194
WHERE IS BALLAS? YOU
SAID HE'D BE HERE!

281
00:13:14,227 --> 00:13:16,096
I LOOK AROUND AND
I DON'T SEE HIM!

282
00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:18,866
PLEASE STOP WORRYING.
YOU'RE MOLTING.

283
00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:22,069
WOW, LOOK AT YOU...

284
00:13:22,102 --> 00:13:24,838
A DRESS MADE OUT OF
A FLOCK OF PARROTS.

285
00:13:24,872 --> 00:13:27,875
JUST WANNA LET YOU KNOW THERE'S
A NICE CROWD OUT THERE TONIGHT,

286
00:13:27,908 --> 00:13:29,809
SO JUST RELAX

287
00:13:29,843 --> 00:13:33,813
- AND HAVE A GOOD TIME, OKAY?
- LOOK, JOE,

288
00:13:33,847 --> 00:13:35,382
YOU'RE A REALLY GREAT DANCER.

289
00:13:35,415 --> 00:13:36,816
YOU REALLY DO KNOW THE TANGO

290
00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:38,785
AND I REALLY DO NEED SOMEONE
WHO KNOWS THE TANGO,

291
00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:41,488
BECAUSE I...

292
00:13:41,521 --> 00:13:43,023
I... I SEE MARK BALLAS!

293
00:13:43,056 --> 00:13:45,192
OH, MARK, YOU MADE IT!

294
00:13:45,225 --> 00:13:47,861
- I AM SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
- ME TOO.

295
00:13:47,895 --> 00:13:52,099
SO SHOULD WE... YOU KNOW, A QUICK
REHEARSAL? GET OUR TANGO ON?

296
00:13:52,132 --> 00:13:54,534
TANGO? I THOUGHT WE
WERE DOING THE WALTZ.

297
00:13:56,136 --> 00:13:57,404
OH, I'M JUST KIDDING.
TANGO IT IS.

298
00:13:57,437 --> 00:14:00,540
( laughs ) I LOVE
BALLROOM HUMOR.

299
00:14:00,573 --> 00:14:03,843
LOOK, JOE. JOE, I'M REALLY SORRY

300
00:14:03,877 --> 00:14:05,578
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN
US AND ME BRINGING MARK IN.

301
00:14:05,612 --> 00:14:07,147
LOOK, IT'S FINE. NO WORRIES.

302
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:09,549
YOU TRADED UP. I WOULD
HAVE DONE THE SAME THING

303
00:14:09,582 --> 00:14:12,986
IF I WAS, YOU KNOW, YOU.

304
00:14:14,054 --> 00:14:16,589
COME ON, EVERYBODY,
PICTURE TIME.

305
00:14:16,623 --> 00:14:19,592
LOOK GOOD. EASY FOR
YOU, MARK BALLAS.

306
00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:24,932
- GREAT, GET THAT SHOT.
- WAIT WAIT, I CAN DO BETTER.

307
00:14:24,965 --> 00:14:27,200
WATCH.

308
00:14:28,601 --> 00:14:32,039
OH MY GOD! SAVE MARK BALLAS!
SAVE MARK BALLAS!

309
00:14:32,072 --> 00:14:34,007
Mark: IT'S THE KNEE.

310
00:14:34,041 --> 00:14:35,943
WOW, JOE, IF MARK'S KNEE'S SHOT,

311
00:14:35,976 --> 00:14:37,144
THEN YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO DANCE WITH MEL.

312
00:14:37,177 --> 00:14:38,979
WAIT WAIT, IT'S NOT MY KNEE.

313
00:14:39,012 --> 00:14:42,849
- MEL, IS IT BAD?
- OH, I'M FINE.

314
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:45,585
NEVER BEEN BETTER. OH!
OH, I COULD BE BETTER!

315
00:14:45,618 --> 00:14:47,854
- OH, I COULD BE SO MUCH BETTER!
- COME HERE. SIT DOWN.

316
00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:50,390
SIT DOWN. LET ME LOOK AT THIS. OH,
THAT KNEE'S STARTING TO SWELL UP.

317
00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:53,226
- OH!
- DOES THIS MEAN YOU CAN'T DANCE?

318
00:14:53,260 --> 00:14:55,595
OH HELL NO, I'M GONNA DANCE.

319
00:14:55,628 --> 00:14:58,231
YEAH, DANCE THROUGH THE
PAIN FOR THE KIDS.

320
00:14:58,265 --> 00:15:00,233
RIGHT, LENNOX? OH!

321
00:15:00,267 --> 00:15:02,335
I DON'T KNOW, AUNT MEL.
THAT DOES LOOK PRETTY BAD.

322
00:15:02,369 --> 00:15:03,870
HANG ON A SECOND.

323
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:05,939
IF I DON'T DANCE, I STILL GET...

324
00:15:05,973 --> 00:15:08,875
I STILL GET BALLAS
BOULEVARD, RIGHT?

325
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:11,511
OH. OH, YOU'RE GOING TO
DANCE TONIGHT, MARK.

326
00:15:11,544 --> 00:15:15,148
THE CAUSE WILL GO ON JUST
WITH ONE LITTLE SUBSTITUTION.

327
00:15:15,182 --> 00:15:17,250
- STEPHANIE?
- OH MY GOD.

328
00:15:17,284 --> 00:15:19,086
OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!

329
00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:20,553
GO TELL THE ANNOUNCER

330
00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:22,655
THAT MARK IS GOING
TO DANCE WITH JOE.

331
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:29,229
WAIT... WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT?

332
00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:30,630
YOU KNOW THE STEPS, DON'T YOU?

333
00:15:30,663 --> 00:15:32,932
KNOW THE STEPS? I MEAN...

334
00:15:32,966 --> 00:15:34,968
I LIVE THE STEPS.

335
00:15:35,002 --> 00:15:38,405
LOOK, JOE, I AM GENUINELY
SORRY FOR WHAT I SAID, OKAY?

336
00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:41,108
YOU WERE RIGHT. I
AM A CONTROL FREAK.

337
00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:43,610
I WAS CLEARLY BOTHERED
BY WHAT YOU SAID,

338
00:15:43,643 --> 00:15:45,945
THAT YOU KNOW SO
MUCH MORE ABOUT THIS

339
00:15:45,979 --> 00:15:48,348
- AND I WAS SO LOST.
- I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU OUT, MEL.

340
00:15:48,381 --> 00:15:51,518
THEN DO THIS FOR ME. PLEASE.

341
00:15:58,558 --> 00:16:00,227
FINE. I'LL DO IT.

342
00:16:02,062 --> 00:16:04,064
BUT ONLY IF I CAN LEAD.

343
00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:08,535
OKAY.

344
00:16:10,737 --> 00:16:12,705
AND NOW DANCING FOR THE ST. ELIGIUS

345
00:16:12,739 --> 00:16:15,542
AFTERSCHOOL ALL-STARS
TUTORING PROGRAM:

346
00:16:15,575 --> 00:16:19,046
SPECIAL GUEST THE
ELECTRIFYING MARK BALLAS.

347
00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:24,984
AND DANCING WITH MARK HIS LOVELY...
WHOO.

348
00:16:27,087 --> 00:16:28,755
JOE LONGO.

349
00:16:32,592 --> 00:16:36,963
THIS MAY HAVE BEEN A
DEEPLY TRAGIC MISTAKE.

350
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:39,232
SHUT UP.

351
00:16:43,703 --> 00:16:46,439
( tango music playing )

352
00:17:39,692 --> 00:17:42,162
THIS IS WHY I DON'T
WATCH SHOWTIME.

353
00:17:50,370 --> 00:17:53,072
MARK BALLAS AND JOE LONGO!

354
00:17:53,106 --> 00:17:56,176
SO IF THE JUDGES HAVE REGAINED
THEIR COLLECTIVE COMPOSURE,

355
00:17:56,209 --> 00:17:57,744
LET'S SEE WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY.

356
00:17:57,777 --> 00:18:00,780
THAT'S A NINE! AND A NINE.

357
00:18:00,813 --> 00:18:03,616
AND A NINE... HUNDRED AND TEN!

358
00:18:03,650 --> 00:18:06,819
THAT'S THE HIGHEST SCORE
IN THE HISTORY OF DANCE!

359
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:14,427
THAT'S MY NANNY!

360
00:18:14,461 --> 00:18:17,397
OH! OH! HOSPITAL! HOSPITAL.

361
00:18:18,665 --> 00:18:20,533
COME ON, TAKE IT EASY NOW.
WE'RE HOME!

362
00:18:20,567 --> 00:18:23,570
- ARE THE PAIN MEDS KICKING IN YET?
- NO.

363
00:18:23,603 --> 00:18:26,606
WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET HOME?

364
00:18:26,639 --> 00:18:30,210
OH, WHAT A NIGHT.

365
00:18:30,243 --> 00:18:33,713
JOE! JOE, YOU SHOULD
HAVE BEEN THERE.

366
00:18:33,746 --> 00:18:36,649
I KNOW. YEAH YEAH.

367
00:18:36,683 --> 00:18:39,619
THEY GAVE YOUR AUNT SOME
SERIOUS PAIN MEDICATIONS.

368
00:18:39,652 --> 00:18:42,355
- GOT IT.
- LENNOX.

369
00:18:42,389 --> 00:18:45,658
LENNOX, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT.
JOE SAVED THE DAY.

370
00:18:45,692 --> 00:18:48,094
- OH.
- YEAH AND, RYDER... WHERE'S RYDER?

371
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:50,730
RYDER! RYDER!

372
00:18:50,763 --> 00:18:52,665
AHEM. RIGHT HERE...
IN FRONT OF YOU.

373
00:18:52,699 --> 00:18:56,436
OH, I'VE MISSED YOU
SO MUCH, CHILD.

374
00:18:58,605 --> 00:18:59,839
I'VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH.

375
00:19:01,374 --> 00:19:03,676
WHY IS SHE TALKING LIKE
AN OLD SOUTHERN WOMAN?

376
00:19:03,710 --> 00:19:05,645
IT'S THE PAIN MEDS.
LOOK AT THAT:

377
00:19:05,678 --> 00:19:07,680
"SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDE
NAUSEA, DIZZINESS,

378
00:19:07,714 --> 00:19:09,816
AND SOUNDING LIKE
REBA McENTIRE."

379
00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:13,886
( groans ) OH, I SO
WANTED TO DANCE TONIGHT.

380
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:16,789
IT'S OKAY, AUNT MEL.
YOU'LL GET 'EM NEXT TIME.

381
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:19,226
OH, BUT I WANTED TO
DANCE FOR YOU, LENNOX,

382
00:19:19,259 --> 00:19:21,861
AND THE KID-ZZZZZZZZZ.

383
00:19:21,894 --> 00:19:23,196
I GOT IT!

384
00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:27,567
YEAH, MAYBE YOU SHOULD SIT DOWN.

385
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:30,803
OH, YOU'RE A DEAR,

386
00:19:30,837 --> 00:19:34,474
SWEET GIRL. YES, YOU ARE.

387
00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:36,309
- YES, YOU ARE.
- OKAY, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

388
00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:38,378
YOU KNOW WHAT, MEL? WE'RE
GONNA GO UPSTAIRS NOW.

389
00:19:38,411 --> 00:19:39,846
- OKAY? COME ON. UPSTAIRS.
- OKAY.

390
00:19:39,879 --> 00:19:42,215
- HERE WE GO.
- OH, JOE, JOE!

391
00:19:42,249 --> 00:19:43,283
- YEAH?
- JOE!

392
00:19:43,316 --> 00:19:44,884
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

393
00:19:44,917 --> 00:19:46,719
LET'S SHOW THESE KIDS WHAT
DANCING'S REALLY ABOUT.

394
00:19:46,753 --> 00:19:48,154
- NO NO NO NO NO.
- RIGHT NOW.

395
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:49,422
- YEAH.
- MEL, MEL, MEL.

396
00:19:49,456 --> 00:19:51,291
NO WAY, NOT ON THAT KNEE.
ABSOLUTELY NOT.

397
00:19:51,324 --> 00:19:53,626
JOE, WHERE WE'RE GOING,
WE DON'T NEED KNEES.

398
00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:20,687
( both giggle )

399
00:20:25,258 --> 00:20:27,794
SHE'S LOST HER MIND.

400
00:20:27,827 --> 00:20:29,762
SHE LOOKS TOTALLY RIDICULOUS.

401
00:20:32,465 --> 00:20:34,467
I KNOW.

402
00:20:34,501 --> 00:20:36,503
AND SOON

403
00:20:36,536 --> 00:20:38,838
THE WHOLE WORLD WILL KNOW TOO.

404
00:20:40,307 --> 00:20:41,774
ALL RIGHT, GUYS. LOOK,
YOU GET YOUR AUNT.

405
00:20:41,808 --> 00:20:43,743
I'M GOING TO GRAB SOME
PILLOWS AND SHEETS.

406
00:20:43,776 --> 00:20:45,945
SHE'S GONNA SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.
LET'S GO, CHOP CHOP.

407
00:20:45,978 --> 00:20:47,914
AUNT MEL, LET'S GIVE
YOUR PARTNER A REST.

408
00:20:49,516 --> 00:20:52,251
WERE YOU DREAMING ABOUT
DANCING WITH MARK BALLAS?

409
00:20:52,285 --> 00:20:55,988
OH, YEAH YEAH, MARK BALLAS.
YEAH, THAT'S WHO.

410
00:21:00,293 --> 00:21:01,528
OH, SLEEPY.

411
00:21:11,003 --> 00:21:12,939
OH HEY, MEL,

412
00:21:12,972 --> 00:21:15,274
LENNOX IS IN THERE TUTORING THOSE
INNER-CITY AT-RISK KIDS...

413
00:21:15,308 --> 00:21:16,643
THE ONES THAT WE WON
THE PRIZE MONEY FOR.

414
00:21:16,676 --> 00:21:18,678
REALLY? OH, I'D
LOVE TO SAY HELLO.

415
00:21:19,746 --> 00:21:21,280
SURE.

416
00:21:22,882 --> 00:21:24,751
HEY, GUYS.

417
00:21:28,688 --> 00:21:31,358
THESE KIDS ARE AT RISK OF
WHAT, BECOMING MODELS?

418
00:21:31,391 --> 00:21:33,793
MEL, ISN'T IT GREAT THE WAY
THAT LENNOX JUST LOVES

419
00:21:33,826 --> 00:21:36,028
TO SELFLESSLY GIVE
BACK TO THE COMMUNITY?

420
00:21:36,062 --> 00:21:38,798
SORRY, WE TOTALLY TOOK
OVER THE KITCHEN.

421
00:21:38,831 --> 00:21:41,668
- WE CAN JUST MOVE THIS UPSTAIRS TO MY BEDROOM...
- NO NO NO!

422
00:21:41,701 --> 00:21:43,870
YOU SIT. YOU STAY RIGHT THERE.
YOU DON'T MOVE.

423
00:21:43,903 --> 00:21:45,972
OKAY? WE DON'T WANT
YOU AT RISK TOO.

424
00:21:46,005 --> 00:21:48,007
DON'T LET THEM OUT
OF YOUR SIGHT.

425
00:21:50,610 --> 00:21:53,480
DON'T MIND ME, FELLAS. I'VE JUST
GOT A LITTLE WORK TO DO OVER HERE.

426
00:21:53,513 --> 00:21:55,782
I TELL YOU, ONE OF THE
BEST THINGS I EVER DID

427
00:21:55,815 --> 00:21:57,950
WAS GO TO CULINARY SCHOOL
WHILE I WAS IN PRISON.

428
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