1
00:00:06,407 --> 00:00:10,211
"MELISSA & JOEY" IS RECORDED IN
FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.

2
00:00:12,213 --> 00:00:14,348
THERE! DONE WITH THE
WEDDING FAVORS.

3
00:00:14,382 --> 00:00:17,085
OH, LOOK AT YOU. WHO
KNEW YOU WERE SO SKILLED

4
00:00:17,118 --> 00:00:19,287
AT ATTACHING BOWS
TO USELESS CRAP?

5
00:00:21,155 --> 00:00:23,091
HA! YOU'RE RIGHT.

6
00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:25,359
LISTEN, I INTEND TO
THROW MY COUSIN EMILY

7
00:00:25,393 --> 00:00:28,096
THE BEST DAMN LESBIAN
WEDDING EVER!

8
00:00:28,129 --> 00:00:30,231
...FOR UNDER $5,000.

9
00:00:30,264 --> 00:00:33,434
WOW, IF THAT WERE A REALITY SHOW, I'D
DEFINITELY WATCH... ANYTHING ELSE.

10
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WHY ARE YOU GOING TO ALL THIS
TROUBLE FOR A COUSIN YOU NEVER SEE?

11
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BECAUSE I'M A NICE PERSON WHO DOES
NICE THINGS FOR PEOPLE ALL THE TIME.

12
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ESPECIALLY WHEN A CROWD GATHERS.

13
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OKAY, WHICH DO YOU THINK IS BETTER...
CHOCOLATE CAKE OR VANILLA?

14
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UM, IT'S A WEDDING, SO, YOU
KNOW, I'D GO WITH VANILLA.

15
00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:51,185
MMM, YEAH, GOOD THINKING.
MAKE THAT.

16
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NO NO, I'M NOT GONNA DO THIS
JUST FOR A COUPLE OF STRANGERS.

17
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- ( doorbell rings )
- OH, THEY'RE HERE!

18
00:00:57,458 --> 00:00:59,160
- MELLY!
- EMMY!

19
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- AND THIS IS BIANCA.
- BIANCY!

20
00:01:01,462 --> 00:01:04,165
GET IN HERE. YOU'RE FAMILY NOW...
OR ABOUT TO BE.

21
00:01:04,198 --> 00:01:07,201
OH MY GOSH, I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU'RE DOING ALL THIS...

22
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THE CEREMONY, THE DECORATIONS.

23
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YOU'RE JUST SO... SO...

24
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SELFLESS, GENEROUS, FABULOUS?

25
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YOU DON'T HAVE TO PICK JUST ONE.

26
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- EMILY TOLD ME YOU'RE DOING EVERYTHING YOURSELF.
- NOT EVERYTHING.

27
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I'M MAKING THE CAKE.
HI, I'M JOE!

28
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C'MERE, YOU TWO. COME ON.

29
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YEAH, OH YEAH.

30
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WHAT? THEY'RE FAMILY.

31
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HOT HOT FAMILY.

32
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( theme music playing )

33
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- ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD
- ♪ All good

34
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- ♪ IT'S OKAY
- ♪ Okay

35
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- ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT
- ♪ All right

36
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♪ AS FAR AS I CAN SEE

37
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- ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD
- ♪ All good

38
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- ♪ IT'S OKAY
- ♪ Okay

39
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- ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT
- ♪ All right

40
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♪ I GUESS YOU'RE STUCK ♪

41
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♪ WITH ME ♪

42
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So anybody can make
an okay wedding cake,

43
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but to make a great wedding cake,
you need the secret ingredient.

44
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LOVE?

45
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Scaffolding.

46
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RYDER, FORGET THE CAKE.
MAKE A STATEMENTEO SHOULD

47
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ABOUT GAY MARRIAGE REFUSES
TO ACCEPT IT.T SOCIETY

48
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WE COULD TOTALLY STICK IT TO
ALL THE HOMOPHOBIC WEASELS.

49
00:02:09,497 --> 00:02:12,266
OKAY, HONEY, JUST MAKE
SURE YOU GET MY GOOD SIDE.

50
00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:15,135
HEY, JOE, YOU WANT TO SEE
A PICTURE OF EMILY NAKED?

51
00:02:15,169 --> 00:02:16,437
OOOH, YOU KNOW I DO. YEP.

52
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TH... THIS IS A BABY.
SHE'S IN A DIAPER.

53
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YEAH, BUT WHO'S IT'S ME, BABY MEL!
T TO HER?

54
00:02:24,278 --> 00:02:26,414
I'M JUST LOOKING
FOR THE SLIDESHOW.

55
00:02:26,447 --> 00:02:29,250
- OH, IS THAT THE SCHOOL PLAY?
- YEAH, I WAS PETER PAN

56
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AND SHE WAS NANA THE DOG...
WELL, THE BACK END OF THE DOG.

57
00:02:32,386 --> 00:02:34,422
OH, AND HERE WE ARE AT
OUR CAMP SWIM MEET.

58
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I GOT FIRST PLACE.
SHE GOT PINK EYE.

59
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I'M SEEING A PATTERN
HERE, BURKE.

60
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YOU WERE ALWAYS THE STAR
AND SHE WAS BASICALLY...

61
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THE DOG'S ASS.

62
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YEAH, BUT DESPITE THAT
WE WERE LIKE SISTERS.

63
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YOU KNOW? UNTIL PUBERTY.

64
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THAT'S WHERE SHE
FINALLY CAME IN FIRST.

65
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OH! YEAH, WOW,

66
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NO OFFENSE THERE, BURKEY,

67
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BUT SHE LEFT YOU
IN THE DUST THERE.

68
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THAT'S DUST WITH A DOUBLE "D."

69
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AND YET I STILL BEAT HER
OUT FOR PROM QUEEN.

70
00:03:03,417 --> 00:03:06,354
UH, WITH LOVE AND RESPECT,

71
00:03:06,387 --> 00:03:08,356
UM, HOW?

72
00:03:08,389 --> 00:03:11,292
OH, SHE WAS SUSPENDED
FROM THE PROM.D BANNED

73
00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:13,461
I MEAN, IT WASN'T
ANYTHING I DID, YOU KNOW,

74
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OR PLANTED IN HER LOCKER
THAT THE PRINCIPAL FOUND,

75
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LIKE SCHNAPPS.

76
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I SEE. SO THAT'S WHY
YOU'RE DOING ALL THIS.

77
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- 'CAUSE YOU STILL FEEL GUILTY.
- A LITTLE.

78
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AND I WANT THE WHOLE FAMILY
HAS CHANGED.MEL BURKE

79
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SO I AM UNSELFISHLY GIVING
EMILY THE GREATEST GIFT

80
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ONE WOMAN CAN GIVE ANOTHER.

81
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A KIDNEY?

82
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I'M LETTING HER GET
MARRIED BEFORE ME.

83
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AND IF SHE EVER
NEEDS A KIDNEY...

84
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SHE CAN DIE KNOWING SHE
GOT MARRIED FIRST.

85
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THAT IS EVERY DEAD GIRL'S DREAM.

86
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AND THE NAPKIN
COLOR IS SELECTED.

87
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IT'S IVORY BY A LANDSLIDE.
SUCK IT, PEACH.

88
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WHO WANTS TO GO OUTSIDE AND
TALK FLOWER PLACEMENT?

89
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OH, I WOULD LOVE TO. SWEETIE?

90
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UH, WHATEVER YOU WANT. I'M
SURE IT'LL BE BEAUTIFUL.

91
00:03:55,969 --> 00:03:58,272
OH, I SEE YOU FOUND MRS. RIGHT.

92
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LOOK AT YOU, GETTING
ALL MARRIED BEFORE ME.

93
00:04:03,377 --> 00:04:05,479
- LOOKING GOOD.
- OH, YOU THINK IT LOOKS GOOD NOW,

94
00:04:05,513 --> 00:04:07,448
WAIT TILL YOU SEE IT
WITH THE FROSTING ON IT.

95
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'CAUSE THE FROSTING WILL
BE THE ICING ON THE CAKE.

96
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MUST BE HARD TO FOCUS ON YOUR WORK
WITH ALL THESE HOT WOMEN IN THE HOUSE.

97
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YEAH, IT'S HARD, BUT, YOU KNOW,
I FIND A WAY TO SOLDIER ON.

98
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YOU KNOW, I WOULDN'T MIND
HAVING A HOT GUY IN MY HOUSE.

99
00:04:24,432 --> 00:04:26,334
( forced laugh )

100
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ACTUALLY THE MOST IMPORTANT
THING ABOUT MAKING A CAKE

101
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IS THESE FOUR DOWELS BECAUSE IT
PREVENTS THE TOP TIER FROM...

102
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HANDS!

103
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DID I GET A LITTLE CLOSE THERE?

104
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UHH, MAYBE.

105
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BIANCA, EMMY WANTS YOU OUT THERE
TO APPROVE CENTERPIECE PLACEMENT.

106
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AND BY THAT I MEAN NOD AT
WHAT SHE'S ALREADY DECIDED.

107
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ISN'T THAT WHAT
MARRIAGE IS ALL ABOUT?

108
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OH, LOOK, CAKE TOPPERS.

109
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I HAD TO BUY TWO FULL SETS
AND THROW AWAY THE GROOMS.

110
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( whispers ) BIANCA
JUST HIT ON ME.

111
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VERY FUNNY.

112
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I'M SERIOUS. SHE JUST
PUT HER HANDS ON ME.

113
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BIANCA? AND YOU'RE CLEAR
ON WHAT A LESBIAN IS?

114
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I THOUGHT SO.

115
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OKAY, SHOW ME ON THE BRIDE WHERE
THE BAD LADY TOUCHED YOU.

116
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I'M SERIOUS, ALL RIGHT?
SHE JUST TOUCHED ME.

117
00:05:17,451 --> 00:05:19,319
PEOPLE TOUCH PEOPLE
ALL THE TIME.

118
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WOW, YOU REALLY HAVE
AN UNBELIEVABLE EGO.

119
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WHA... I... I HAVE
AN UNBELIEVABLE EGO?

120
00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:24,492
YOU'RE THE ONE MAKING
THIS WHOLE DAY ABOUT YOU!

121
00:05:24,525 --> 00:05:26,960
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, "COME ON,
HAVE YOUR WEDDING AT MY HOUSE!

122
00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:28,962
LOOK AT ALL THE AMAZING
THINGS I'M DOING FOR YOU.

123
00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:30,364
CHECK OUT MY HOT NANNY."

124
00:05:30,398 --> 00:05:32,299
AND WHAT EXACTLY IS IT

125
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:34,502
YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT THIS
FIGMENT OF YOUR IMAGINATION?

126
00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:35,969
TELL THE BRIDE!

127
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THE... THE OTHER BRIDE!

128
00:05:38,071 --> 00:05:40,441
NO WAY! NO, AND RUIN
MY SPECIAL DAY?

129
00:05:40,474 --> 00:05:42,376
...THEIR SPECIAL DAY?

130
00:05:47,114 --> 00:05:49,383
YOU SAW WHAT SHE
DID, DIDN'T YOU?

131
00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:55,322
- MORNING.
- HEY.

132
00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:58,358
TWINKLE LIGHTS FOR THE TRELLIS.
ANYTHING ELSE I CAN DO?

133
00:05:58,392 --> 00:06:00,093
NO NO NO, EVERYTHING'S HANDLED.

134
00:06:00,127 --> 00:06:04,097
SO HOW MANY OF THESE
CARDS HAVE YOU DONE?

135
00:06:04,131 --> 00:06:06,033
UGH, A FEW... MILLION.

136
00:06:06,066 --> 00:06:08,101
I'M GETTING A
LITTLE HAND CRAMPY.

137
00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:09,537
OH, YOU POOR THING. HERE.

138
00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:13,006
- HOW'S THAT?
- IT FEELS GREAT.

139
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:15,108
IT'S NOT JUST THE
MUSCLES IN YOUR HAND.

140
00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:17,110
TENSION CAN START IN YOUR WRIST,

141
00:06:17,144 --> 00:06:19,079
YOUR FOREARMS.

142
00:06:20,448 --> 00:06:22,483
NO, I THINK THE TENSION'S
STAYING WAY DOWN HERE

143
00:06:22,516 --> 00:06:24,952
WHERE IT'S SAFE.

144
00:06:24,985 --> 00:06:26,454
IT CAN RADIATE UP
TO YOUR SHOULDERS

145
00:06:26,487 --> 00:06:30,023
AND YOUR NECK...
YOUR LOVELY NECK.

146
00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:31,459
HANDS HANDS!

147
00:06:32,460 --> 00:06:34,394
SO YOU'VE NEVER
BEEN WITH A WOMAN?

148
00:06:34,428 --> 00:06:37,465
NOPE NEVER. NOPE, NOT EVEN IN
COLLEGE WITH MY FRIEND RENEE.

149
00:06:37,498 --> 00:06:40,100
UM, I'D BETTER...

150
00:06:40,133 --> 00:06:42,169
STRING THE LIGHTS.

151
00:06:53,981 --> 00:06:57,818
WOW, EVERYTHING YOU'RE
DOING LOOKS WONDERFUL.

152
00:06:57,851 --> 00:07:00,788
MY MY MY, IT JUST...
IT REALLY LOOKS GREAT.

153
00:07:00,821 --> 00:07:02,723
YES IT DOES, YES IT DOES!

154
00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:04,858
BIANCA JUST HIT ON ME.

155
00:07:04,892 --> 00:07:07,728
- GOD, YOU'RE COMPETITIVE.
- NO, I SWEAR!

156
00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:09,963
SHE TRIED THE WHOLE, YOU
KNOW, "YOU LOOK TENSE,

157
00:07:09,997 --> 00:07:12,700
LET ME GIVE YOU A
HAND MASSAGE." UGH!

158
00:07:12,733 --> 00:07:15,836
I DON'T USUALLY FALL FOR THAT...
SOBER.

159
00:07:15,869 --> 00:07:18,739
RELAX, BURKE, BECAUSE UNLIKE
CERTAIN PEOPLE, I BELIEVE YOU.

160
00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:20,974
AND WATCH HOW I'M NOT GOING
TO SAY, "I TOLD YOU SO!"

161
00:07:21,008 --> 00:07:22,843
WHOOPS.

162
00:07:22,876 --> 00:07:25,078
I'M SORRY I WAS
DISMISSIVE BEFORE.

163
00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:28,716
- YOU GOTTA TELL EMILY NOW.
- MAN, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE WEDDING

164
00:07:28,749 --> 00:07:30,984
I'M THROWING FOR EMILY TO SHOW
MY FAMILY I'M A GOOD PERSON?

165
00:07:31,018 --> 00:07:33,854
A GOOD PERSON WOULD SAVE HER
COUSIN FROM THIS MAN-EATER.

166
00:07:33,887 --> 00:07:35,856
WOMAN-EATER.

167
00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:37,090
PEOPLE-EATER.

168
00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:41,929
We're here with Emily
Burke, lesbian-American,

169
00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,798
on the day of her commitment
ceremony with her partner.

170
00:07:44,832 --> 00:07:46,767
NOW TELL US, HOW ANGRY ARE YOU

171
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,068
THAT SO MANY PEOPLE IN THE WORLD

172
00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:51,004
REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE
VALIDITY OF YOUR GAY LOVE?

173
00:07:51,038 --> 00:07:52,873
OH, ALL OF OUR
FRIENDS ARE COMING.

174
00:07:52,906 --> 00:07:54,842
THEY'VE BEEN NOTHING
BUT SUPPORTIVE.

175
00:07:54,875 --> 00:07:56,910
- I JUST WISH MY PARENTS WERE HERE.
- AHA!

176
00:07:56,944 --> 00:07:59,780
Stuck in an older
generation's intolerance.

177
00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:02,750
No. No, they're just
stuck in traffic.

178
00:08:03,884 --> 00:08:06,854
SO TELL US THE STORY OF
HOW YOU AND BIANCA MET.

179
00:08:06,887 --> 00:08:10,023
WAS IT A PROTEST RALLY? DID
THE COPS TEAR GAS YOU?

180
00:08:10,057 --> 00:08:13,894
Uh, not quite. It was a
singles mixer at our church.

181
00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:18,098
Strangely there was tear gas.

182
00:08:18,131 --> 00:08:20,834
- REALLY?
- NO NO, I WAS JUST TRYING TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING.

183
00:08:20,868 --> 00:08:22,069
I'M SORRY.

184
00:08:22,102 --> 00:08:24,872
FOR GOD'S SAKE. RYDER, CUT.

185
00:08:24,905 --> 00:08:29,843
- WE'RE GETTING NOTHING.
- HEY, WE WATCH THE W.N.B.A. ALL THE TIME.

186
00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:32,980
DON'T PATRONIZE ME.

187
00:08:34,748 --> 00:08:36,750
- SO I CAN USE LENNOX'S ROOM TO CHANGE?
- YEAH.

188
00:08:36,784 --> 00:08:38,852
YOUR CLOTHES, YOUR MIND,
WHATEVER YOU WANT.

189
00:08:38,886 --> 00:08:40,854
GOD, I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO
THANK YOU FOR ALL OF THIS.

190
00:08:40,888 --> 00:08:42,890
YOU'VE DONE EVERYTHING TO
MAKE IT THE PERFECT DAY.

191
00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:45,893
YEAH, UH-HUH, WELL, IS
ANYTHING EVER REALLY PERFECT?

192
00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:48,729
THE LOVE BIANCA AND I HAVE FOR
EACH OTHER COMES PRETTY CLOSE.

193
00:08:48,762 --> 00:08:50,998
( inhales ) LOVE'S A
FUNNY THING, YOU KNOW?

194
00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:53,901
YOU COULD LOVE SOMEONE
AND THEY COULD LOVE...

195
00:08:53,934 --> 00:08:56,003
TOUCHING OTHER PEOPLE?

196
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:58,806
- I'M NOT SURE I FOLLOW YOU.
- I'M JUST SAYING

197
00:08:58,839 --> 00:09:00,874
IF YOU WANTED TO CALL
OFF THE WHOLE WEDDING,

198
00:09:00,908 --> 00:09:03,076
I WOULD NOT BE MAD THAT ALL
MY WORK WAS FOR NOTHING.

199
00:09:03,110 --> 00:09:06,880
OKAY, SPIT IT OUT, MEL. YOU HAVEN'T
BEEN THIS EVASIVE SINCE SCHNAPPSGATE.

200
00:09:07,981 --> 00:09:11,051
- BIANCA MADE A PASS AT JOE.
- SHE DID WHAT?

201
00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:13,086
I'M SORRY. SHE, YOU KNOW, SHE...

202
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:16,023
GRABBED HIM IN HIS GRABBY PARTS...
WELL, THE HIND ONES.

203
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:17,925
NO NO, THIS MUST BE A MISTAKE.

204
00:09:17,958 --> 00:09:20,828
BIANCA'S A VERY PHYSICALLY
EXPRESSIVE PERSON.

205
00:09:20,861 --> 00:09:24,732
BESIDES, SHE IS NOT INTO GUYS. IT'S ONE
OF THE THINGS THAT BROUGHT US TOGETHER.

206
00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:26,834
WELL, SHE, UH, YEAH, SHE KINDA

207
00:09:26,867 --> 00:09:28,936
MADE A PASS AT ME TOO.

208
00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:32,740
OH, I SEE WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.

209
00:09:32,773 --> 00:09:35,008
YOU CAN'T STAND IT WHEN SOMEONE
ELSE HAS THE SPOTLIGHT,

210
00:09:35,042 --> 00:09:37,945
EVER SINCE THAT SUMMER WHEN
I DEVELOPED BEFORE YOU DID.

211
00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:41,882
GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. YOU'RE
MORE OBSESSED WITH BREASTS THAN I AM

212
00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:44,084
- AND I'M CRAZY FOR THOSE PUPPIES.
- NO, EMILY!

213
00:09:44,117 --> 00:09:47,755
I'M JUST TRYING TO PROTECT YOU.
PLEASE DON'T GO THROUGH WITH THIS.

214
00:09:47,788 --> 00:09:49,990
I AM GETTING MARRIED BEFORE YOU.
DEAL WITH IT.

215
00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:52,092
NOW CAN WE JUST FORGET WE
EVER HAD THIS CONVERSATION?

216
00:09:53,761 --> 00:09:55,062
- ( door shuts )
- OOOOH.

217
00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:58,999
WELL, I TOLD EMILY AND
SHE DIDN'T BELIEVE ME.

218
00:09:59,032 --> 00:10:01,068
SO THAT'S IT? WE JUST GIVE UP?

219
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:03,771
LET EMILY MARRY THIS CHEATER?

220
00:10:03,804 --> 00:10:05,939
THIS CRAZY HOT CHEATER?

221
00:10:05,973 --> 00:10:09,076
WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO? WE
CAN'T CONVINCE HER WITHOUT PROOF.

222
00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:12,880
WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT IF
WE PUT A VIDEO CAMERA

223
00:10:12,913 --> 00:10:16,049
UP IN YOUR ROOM AND THEN
WE CAN LURE BIANCA IN,

224
00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:18,786
GET HER TO MAKE A PASS,
CATCH IT ON TAPE... BANG!

225
00:10:18,819 --> 00:10:20,153
SO TO SPEAK.

226
00:10:21,789 --> 00:10:24,024
A HIDDEN CAMERA? OH, COME ON!

227
00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:25,993
HEY, IT WORKED IN
"AMERICAN PIE."

228
00:10:26,026 --> 00:10:28,862
BUT YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT.
THAT'S HISTORICAL FACT.

229
00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:32,900
OKAY, ALL RIGHT, WE'LL
USE ME AS BAIT.

230
00:10:32,933 --> 00:10:34,735
WHAT... YOU?

231
00:10:34,768 --> 00:10:37,037
NO, LOOK, IF WE WANT THIS PLAN
TO WORK, I NEED TO BE THE BAIT.

232
00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:40,908
WHAT? I'M A WOMAN. I'M LESBAIT.

233
00:10:40,941 --> 00:10:43,944
LOOK, SHE CAME ON TO ME
FIRST AND I REJECTED HER.

234
00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:45,813
YOU WERE THE REBOUND PASS.

235
00:10:45,846 --> 00:10:48,015
YOU KNOW WHAT? WE DON'T
HAVE TIME TO ARGUE.

236
00:10:48,048 --> 00:10:51,018
I'LL GO GET THE CAMERA AND YOU CAN
BE THE PEANUT BUTTER IN THE TRAP.

237
00:10:53,854 --> 00:10:56,056
EVERYBODY LOVES PEANUT BUTTER.

238
00:11:04,765 --> 00:11:08,168
THAT'S IT. WE INTERVIEWED
EVERYBODY AND GOT NOTHING.

239
00:11:08,201 --> 00:11:10,170
ONE BIGOT... IS THAT
TOO MUCH TO ASK?

240
00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:12,672
YEAH. DAMN SUPPORTIVE
WEDDING GUESTS.

241
00:11:12,706 --> 00:11:15,208
UH, HEY, ARE YOU GUYS
RUNNING THIS SHOW?

242
00:11:15,242 --> 00:11:18,145
YEAH, ARE YOU WITH THE BRIDE OR...
THE OTHER BRIDE?

243
00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:20,413
I'M THE CATERER. I GOT A
VAN FULL OF CHICKEN KIEV.

244
00:11:20,447 --> 00:11:25,152
WAIT, BRIDES? IS THIS ONE
OF THOSE SAME-SEX JOBS?

245
00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:27,154
ROLL CAMERA.

246
00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:29,656
WE WERE WONDERING IF
YOU COULD EXPAND A BIT

247
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:33,260
ON YOUR FEELINGS? IF YOU HAVE
ANGER, WE WANT TO HEAR IT.

248
00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:35,262
DON'T HOLD BACK.
GAY WEDDINGS, GO.

249
00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:38,165
I don't like 'em.

250
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:41,334
Yeah, but if you're making money off
of something you don't believe in,

251
00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:43,737
aren't you being a hypocrite?
huh, aren't you?

252
00:11:43,771 --> 00:11:46,206
You're kinda putting
me on the spot here.

253
00:11:46,239 --> 00:11:49,242
No, you put yourself
on the spot.

254
00:11:49,276 --> 00:11:51,311
BY CATERING THIS WEDDING,
YOU'RE ENCOURAGING THIS.

255
00:11:51,344 --> 00:11:54,281
WOW, YOU'RE RIGHT.

256
00:11:54,314 --> 00:11:56,449
I REALLY WISH YOU
HADN'T TOLD ME THAT.

257
00:11:56,483 --> 00:11:59,219
I FEEL LIKE I'M A
DISGRACE TO CATERING.

258
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,190
YES! MAN, WE NAILED IT.

259
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:05,725
WE TURNED OVER A ROCK AND
EXPOSED RAW PREJUDICE.

260
00:12:05,759 --> 00:12:08,295
- ( truck departing )
- I TOTALLY MADE HIM SQUIRM.

261
00:12:09,296 --> 00:12:11,298
NO, YOU TOTALLY MADE HIM LEAVE!

262
00:12:12,365 --> 00:12:14,467
WITH ALL THE FOOD FOR
THE WHOLE WEDDING!

263
00:12:14,501 --> 00:12:16,336
DON'T BLAME ME.

264
00:12:16,369 --> 00:12:18,738
BLAME IGNORANCE AND INTOLERANCE.

265
00:12:18,772 --> 00:12:21,274
YEAH WELL, SINCE NEITHER ONE
OF THEM SEEMS TO BE HERE,

266
00:12:21,308 --> 00:12:22,776
I'M GONNA BLAME YOU.

267
00:12:27,347 --> 00:12:29,316
( knocks, door opens )

268
00:12:29,349 --> 00:12:31,351
HEY, ALL RIGHT.

269
00:12:31,384 --> 00:12:33,486
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?

270
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:36,423
IF YOU WERE HOT AND A LESBIAN,
WOULD YOU GET ALL OVER THIS?

271
00:12:37,490 --> 00:12:39,426
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"IF I WERE HOT"?

272
00:12:39,459 --> 00:12:41,728
STAY WITH ME, ALL RIGHT? STAY WITH ME.
HOW'S THIS?

273
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:43,430
( clears throat )

274
00:12:45,432 --> 00:12:47,434
HEY, BIANCA.

275
00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:50,237
THAT MIGHT MAKE ME GAY.

276
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:52,272
JUST THE OUTFIT IS
TRYING TOO HARD.

277
00:12:52,305 --> 00:12:54,241
YOU KNOW? WHAT ABOUT
YOUR PURPLE HENLEY?

278
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:56,409
YEAH, 'CAUSE YOU KNOW, IT'S
FITTED, BUT NOT TOO TIGHT

279
00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:58,345
AND IT REALLY BRINGS
OUT YOUR EYES.

280
00:12:58,378 --> 00:13:00,380
I MEAN, THAT'S JUST A
STATEMENT OF FACT.

281
00:13:00,413 --> 00:13:02,482
IT'S IN NO WAY AN ENDORSEMENT.

282
00:13:03,516 --> 00:13:05,452
YOU LIKE THE HENLEY, HUH?

283
00:13:05,485 --> 00:13:07,520
NOT THAT MUCH. OKAY.

284
00:13:07,554 --> 00:13:10,257
SO THE CAMERA IS
LINKED TO MY LAPTOP

285
00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:12,325
SO I'LL BE ABLE TO
MONITOR ALL THE ACTION.

286
00:13:12,359 --> 00:13:14,361
WELL, NOT THE ACTION-ACTION.

287
00:13:14,394 --> 00:13:17,464
JUST THE PRE-ACTION. PLEASE DON'T
AT ANY POINT GET TO THE ACTION.

288
00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:20,233
I GOT IT, I GOT IT. GET
OUTTA HERE, WILL YOU?

289
00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:24,337
SEND HER IN.

290
00:13:33,513 --> 00:13:35,582
OH YEAH, I'D RIDE THIS RIDE.

291
00:13:38,451 --> 00:13:40,320
PEANUT BUTTER.

292
00:13:40,353 --> 00:13:42,522
OH! EXCUSE ME.

293
00:13:42,555 --> 00:13:45,325
MEL TOLD ME THIS
ROOM WAS AVAILABLE.

294
00:13:45,358 --> 00:13:48,495
IT IS. VERY AVAILABLE...

295
00:13:49,596 --> 00:13:52,365
AS WELL AS ANYTHING
YOU SEE IN IT.

296
00:13:52,399 --> 00:13:55,368
LET ME TAKE THAT DRESS FOR YOU.
I'LL JUST HANG IT UP OVER HERE.

297
00:13:57,404 --> 00:14:00,240
SMOOTH, LONGO.

298
00:14:00,273 --> 00:14:02,209
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?

299
00:14:02,242 --> 00:14:03,376
ANYTHING YOU WANT
ME TO BE DOING.

300
00:14:03,410 --> 00:14:06,279
FOR INSTANCE I COULD
HELP YOU WITH THAT BAG.

301
00:14:07,314 --> 00:14:09,282
I CAN JUST PUT IT
RIGHT OVER HERE.

302
00:14:16,389 --> 00:14:18,258
Can I help you with
anything else?

303
00:14:18,291 --> 00:14:21,294
'CAUSE I CAN TAKE CARE OF ANYTHING
YOU COULD POSSIBLY NEED...

304
00:14:21,328 --> 00:14:23,563
WITH A VERY GENTLE TOUCH.

305
00:14:23,596 --> 00:14:27,334
WELL, I GUESS THERE IS ONE
THING YOU COULD DO FOR ME.

306
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:28,335
( laughs )

307
00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:30,470
YEAH?

308
00:14:30,503 --> 00:14:32,372
PLEASE LEAVE SO I CAN GET READY.

309
00:14:32,405 --> 00:14:34,341
BUT ARE YOU... ARE YOU SURE?

310
00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:36,409
- BYE.
- WELL, 'CAUSE I...

311
00:14:39,246 --> 00:14:41,381
I GOT OTHER SHIRTS!

312
00:14:47,287 --> 00:14:49,189
AHEM.

313
00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:51,324
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

314
00:14:51,358 --> 00:14:54,561
IT'S LIKE SHE WAS IMMUNE
TO MY POWERS OF SEDUCTION.

315
00:14:54,594 --> 00:14:57,230
YOU MEAN LIKE SHE'S GAY?!

316
00:14:58,298 --> 00:15:00,333
- YOU THINK YOU CAN DO BETTER?
- I KNOW I CAN.

317
00:15:00,367 --> 00:15:02,435
- WATCH AND LEARN.
- WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE!

318
00:15:02,469 --> 00:15:04,571
WAIT A MINUTE. YOU'RE GONNA
GO UPSTAIRS WEARING THAT?

319
00:15:04,604 --> 00:15:07,240
OF COURSE YOU'RE GONNA DO GREAT.
YOU LOOK...

320
00:15:08,375 --> 00:15:10,377
OKAY IN THAT.

321
00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:14,381
JUST GO SEDUCE THE LESBIAN AND
STOP YOUR COUSIN'S WEDDING!

322
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:17,550
- ( knocks )
- 'SUP, GIRLFRIEND?

323
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:20,520
...OF EMILY.

324
00:15:20,553 --> 00:15:23,256
NOT MUCH. JUST GETTING MARRIED.

325
00:15:23,290 --> 00:15:26,559
- WHAT'S UP WITH YOU?
- I-I... I JUST CAME UP HERE

326
00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:28,461
to look for something.

327
00:15:28,495 --> 00:15:30,463
I think I left it on
the bed over here.

328
00:15:30,497 --> 00:15:33,400
WELL, CAN YOU HELP ME FIND IT?

329
00:15:34,434 --> 00:15:38,238
- WHAT ARE WE LOOKING FOR?
- OH, IT'S...

330
00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:40,507
OH, I FOUND IT. IT'S THE
LIGHT IN YOUR EYES.

331
00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:43,210
It does something to me.

332
00:15:43,243 --> 00:15:45,512
YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT.

333
00:15:45,545 --> 00:15:49,216
I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT HOW YOU ASKED
ME IF I'VE EVER BEEN WITH A WOMAN.

334
00:15:49,249 --> 00:15:52,219
AND NO, I HAVEN'T.

335
00:15:52,252 --> 00:15:54,221
YEAH, YOU TOLD ME
THAT THIS MORNING.

336
00:15:54,254 --> 00:15:57,257
WELL, NOW THE THOUGHT IS
UNDER MY SKIN LIKE AN ITCH

337
00:15:57,290 --> 00:16:00,493
AND I JUST... I THOUGHT
MAYBE YOU COULD SCRATCH IT.

338
00:16:00,527 --> 00:16:02,595
MEOW.

339
00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:05,565
UM, MEL, IT'S MY WEDDING DAY.

340
00:16:05,598 --> 00:16:09,302
I KNOW. IT MAKES IT EVEN
HOTTER, DOESN'T IT?

341
00:16:09,336 --> 00:16:10,570
I KNOW YOU'VE GOT ALL
SORTS OF ISSUES,

342
00:16:10,603 --> 00:16:12,539
BUT COULD YOU MAYBE
TAKE THEM DOWNSTAIRS?

343
00:16:12,572 --> 00:16:15,342
No, I don't have issues.
I, uh...

344
00:16:15,375 --> 00:16:18,311
I JUST CAME TO HELP, YOU KNOW?
IF YOU NEEDED ANYTHING ZIPPED,

345
00:16:18,345 --> 00:16:20,480
- OR UNZIPPED...
- YEAH, GOODBYE, MEL.

346
00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:22,449
OKAY.

347
00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:25,352
OH, YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT.

348
00:16:26,453 --> 00:16:28,621
IS IT POSSIBLE WE'RE NOT
AS HOT AS WE THINK WE ARE?

349
00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:33,526
I GUESS IT'S POSSIBLE.

350
00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:38,231
I MEAN, SHE HAD A SHOT AT THIS.

351
00:16:38,265 --> 00:16:39,499
AND THAT.

352
00:16:39,532 --> 00:16:41,468
WE'RE HERE FOR HAIR AND MAKEUP.

353
00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:43,436
CAN YOU TELL US WHERE
WE FIND BIANCA?

354
00:16:43,470 --> 00:16:45,405
OH YEAH, RIGHT UP THOSE STAIRS.
FIRST DOOR.

355
00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:49,509
WELL, I'D BETTER GO
APOLOGIZE TO EMILY.

356
00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:51,444
- I FEEL JUST AWFUL.
- HEY LOOK,

357
00:16:51,478 --> 00:16:53,446
IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION,

358
00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:56,349
IF I SAW YOU IN A BAR
AND I DIDN'T KNOW YOU

359
00:16:56,383 --> 00:16:59,552
AND YOU DIDN'T SPEAK OR INTERACT WITH ME
IN ANY WAY, I WOULD PROBABLY HIT THAT.

360
00:16:59,586 --> 00:17:03,290
AW, THANKS. AND IF
I SAW YOU IN A BAR

361
00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:05,558
I'D BE ALL "WHO'S LOOKING
AFTER THE KIDS?"

362
00:17:05,592 --> 00:17:07,627
NO, SERIOUSLY, YOU LOOK FINE.

363
00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:11,564
OKAY, WE'RE IN MAJOR TROUBLE.

364
00:17:11,598 --> 00:17:15,302
PERHAPS IT WASN'T A GOOD IDEA
TO PISS OFF THE CATERER!

365
00:17:15,335 --> 00:17:18,471
- HE WAS A BIGOT.
- GET OVER IT!

366
00:17:18,505 --> 00:17:21,474
WELL, I CALLED EVERY OTHER
CATERING PLACE IN TOWN.

367
00:17:21,508 --> 00:17:25,512
- THEY LAUGHED AT ME.
- WE CAN ALWAYS ORDER A BUNCH OF PIZZAS.

368
00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:28,248
THIS IS A WEDDING, NOT
A SUPER BOWL PARTY!

369
00:17:28,281 --> 00:17:30,517
PIZZAS AREN'T CLASSY ENOUGH.

370
00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:32,485
UNLESS...

371
00:17:32,519 --> 00:17:36,489
UNLESS YOU CUT THEM INTO LITTLE
SQUARES AND CALL THEM PIZZETTAS.

372
00:17:37,490 --> 00:17:40,260
I WATCH A LOT OF "TOP CHEF."

373
00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:44,231
- EVERYBODY'S OUTSIDE. WE CAN TALK IN HERE.
- FINE!

374
00:17:44,264 --> 00:17:46,399
WHAT IS IT? WHO DID
BIANCA FEEL UP NOW?

375
00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:49,369
MY GRANDMA WAS
LOOKING KINDA HAPPY.

376
00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:50,603
OH NO, BIANCA
DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

377
00:17:50,637 --> 00:17:52,605
IT TURNS OUT THE WHOLE
THING WAS IN OUR MINDS.

378
00:17:52,639 --> 00:17:55,275
WELL, MOSTLY IN JOE'S.

379
00:17:55,308 --> 00:17:57,377
- I'M SORRY.
- YOU SHOULD BE SORRY.

380
00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:59,612
JUST LET ME GET THIS OFF MY CHEST
BEFORE YOU WALK DOWN THE AISLE.

381
00:17:59,646 --> 00:18:02,549
- THERE'S MORE?
- WE THOUGHT WE NEEDED PROOF

382
00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:06,453
SO JOE AND I TOOK A CAMERA...
MOSTLY JOE...

383
00:18:06,486 --> 00:18:08,321
AND PUT IT IN MY BEDROOM

384
00:18:08,355 --> 00:18:10,490
AND WE TRIED TO GET
BIANCA TO HIT ON US

385
00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:12,425
SO THAT YOU COULD SEE
IT FOR YOURSELF.

386
00:18:12,459 --> 00:18:15,328
- YOU BITCH!
- I KNOW, I KNOW.

387
00:18:15,362 --> 00:18:18,465
- YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT IN THE WORLD TO SAY THAT.
- NOT YOU, BIANCA!

388
00:18:18,498 --> 00:18:20,467
- ( moaning )
- OH MY...

389
00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:23,503
WITH THE HAIR GUY?!
AND THE MAKEUP GIRL.

390
00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:26,539
AND ON MY BRAND-NEW DUVET.

391
00:18:26,573 --> 00:18:28,508
OH, I AM GONNA KILL HER.

392
00:18:28,541 --> 00:18:31,278
WELL... NOT ON THE DUVET.

393
00:18:32,545 --> 00:18:34,614
WHERE THE HECK IS SHE GO...
HELLO!

394
00:18:36,349 --> 00:18:37,617
NO, THAT'S NOT HOW
YOU TURN IT OFF.

395
00:18:37,650 --> 00:18:40,287
NO, I'M JUST TRYING TO ZOOM IN HERE.
HOLD ON.

396
00:18:44,324 --> 00:18:47,460
BOY, CANCELING THE WEDDING SURE
THROWS A WRENCH IN THE HONEYMOON.

397
00:18:47,494 --> 00:18:49,562
HEY, YOU SHOULD STILL
GO ON THE CRUISE.

398
00:18:49,596 --> 00:18:51,531
- BY MYSELF?
- YEAH SURE!

399
00:18:51,564 --> 00:18:53,533
MAYBE YOU'LL MEET SOMEBODY NICE.

400
00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:56,403
A WHOLE BOATFUL OF
LIKE-MINDED LADIES.

401
00:18:57,404 --> 00:19:00,507
- TO A WHOLE NEW START.
- OH, THANK YOU, MELLY.

402
00:19:00,540 --> 00:19:03,476
AND I'M SO SORRY I DIDN'T
BELIEVE YOU ABOUT BIANCA.

403
00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:06,246
I UNDERSTAND. I DON'T HAVE
THE BEST TRACK RECORD.

404
00:19:06,279 --> 00:19:08,581
- BUT I REALLY WAS JUST LOOKING OUT FOR YOU.
- I KNOW YOU WERE.

405
00:19:08,615 --> 00:19:12,252
AND HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU COULD
STILL BEAT ME TO THE ALTAR.

406
00:19:12,285 --> 00:19:14,587
I DOUBT IT. THERE ISN'T ANYBODY
I CAN SEE THAT HAPPENING WITH.

407
00:19:14,621 --> 00:19:18,558
LADIES, CAN I OFFER
YOU SOME PIZZETTAS?

408
00:19:18,591 --> 00:19:22,529
IF YOU LIKE THEM, I HAVE 5,000
MORE OF THESE IN THE KITCHEN.

409
00:19:22,562 --> 00:19:26,266
BY THE WAY, I LOADED UP YOUR CAR WITH
THE FIRST ROUND OF PRESENTS, OKAY?

410
00:19:26,299 --> 00:19:28,435
EVEN THE ONE THAT WAS...
VIBRATING.

411
00:19:29,436 --> 00:19:31,571
THANK YOU, JOE. THAT'S MY...

412
00:19:31,604 --> 00:19:34,574
THAT'S MY TOOTHBRUSH. I'M JUST
GONNA GO TURN IT OFF NOW.

413
00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:40,480
OH, I FEEL TERRIBLE
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED,

414
00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:42,515
LIKE I'M SOMEHOW RESPONSIBLE.

415
00:19:42,549 --> 00:19:46,319
WOW, YOU EVEN GRAB THE
CREDIT WHEN THINGS GO WRONG.

416
00:19:47,454 --> 00:19:48,621
YOU'RE RIGHT, JOE.

417
00:19:48,655 --> 00:19:52,359
I'M SELFISH. ALWAYS HAVE
BEEN, ALWAYS WILL BE.

418
00:19:52,392 --> 00:19:55,395
YEP, YOU ARE PROBABLY THE MOST
SELFISH PERSON I'VE EVER MET.

419
00:19:55,428 --> 00:19:58,531
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU... YOU TOOK
YOUR SISTER'S TWO KIDS IN,

420
00:19:58,565 --> 00:20:01,301
TURNED YOUR LIFE
COMPLETELY UPSIDE DOWN,

421
00:20:01,334 --> 00:20:04,404
AND EVERY DAY YOU WORK TIRELESSLY TO
MAKE THE CITY A BETTER PLACE TO LIVE.

422
00:20:04,437 --> 00:20:07,574
SAME OLD PARTY-GIRL BURKE. I DON'T
EVEN KNOW HOW YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF.

423
00:20:07,607 --> 00:20:11,344
REALLY? YOU THINK I'M OKAY?

424
00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:15,515
EH.

425
00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:26,626
YOU KNOW, THIS CAKE REALLY
IS A THING OF BEAUTY.

426
00:20:26,659 --> 00:20:28,628
YEAH, THANK YOU.
STURDY AS A ROCK TOO.

427
00:20:28,661 --> 00:20:31,698
YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO KNOCK THAT THING
OVER... GO AHEAD, GIVE IT A TRY.

428
00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:34,501
- GOOD LUCK.
- WOW, AS FUN AS THAT SOUNDS,

429
00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:35,868
I ACTUALLY PREFER
TO EAT MY CAKE.

430
00:20:35,902 --> 00:20:38,538
FIRST OF ALL, YOU HAVE TO
CUT THE CAKE CORRECTLY.

431
00:20:38,571 --> 00:20:40,773
- I KNOW HOW TO CUT A CAKE.
- OBVIOUSLY YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO CUT A CAKE,

432
00:20:40,807 --> 00:20:42,842
BECAUSE YOU WERE TRYING TO CUT
IT, BUT IT WAS NOT CORRECT.

433
00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:45,645
YOU NEED TO CUT IT LIKE A PIE,
SO LOOK, YOU GO IN LIKE THIS,

434
00:20:47,547 --> 00:20:49,749
THEN YOU SCOOP IT UP UNDER.
PERFECT.

435
00:20:49,782 --> 00:20:51,584
BOOM! JUST LIKE THAT.

436
00:20:51,618 --> 00:20:54,721
- ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE.
- GIVE IT A TASTE, GO AHEAD.

437
00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:57,790
HUH?

438
00:20:57,824 --> 00:20:59,692
WHAT? WHAT'S THE MATTER?

439
00:20:59,726 --> 00:21:01,794
IT'S NOT VERY MOIST.

440
00:21:01,828 --> 00:21:03,830
NOT MOIST? WHAT ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT?

441
00:21:03,863 --> 00:21:06,633
- HERE, TRY.
- IT'S PERFECTLY MOI...

442
00:21:09,669 --> 00:21:11,504
YOU KNOW WHAT? NO, YOU'RE WRONG.

443
00:21:11,538 --> 00:21:13,506
THAT'S ACTUALLY VERY VERY MOIST.

444
00:21:13,540 --> 00:21:15,808
THE THING ABOUT IT IS, UM,

445
00:21:15,842 --> 00:21:17,810
I JUST DON'T THINK YOU HAD
A BIG ENOUGH BITE, SEE?

446
00:21:19,879 --> 00:21:21,881
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