1
00:00:06,340 --> 00:00:08,709
Joey: "MELISSA & JOEY" IS RECORDED
IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.

2
00:00:08,742 --> 00:00:11,612
THANKS TO A CERTAIN
CITY COUNCILPERSON...

3
00:00:11,645 --> 00:00:14,014
ME... CHRISTMAS COMES
EARLY THIS YEAR:

4
00:00:14,048 --> 00:00:16,250
THREE NEW ELECTRIC BUSES
FOR THE CITY OF TOLEDO.

5
00:00:16,284 --> 00:00:17,651
NOT ONLY ARE THEY GREEN,

6
00:00:17,685 --> 00:00:19,653
BUT THEY ALSO HAVE
THAT NEW BUS SMELL.

7
00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:23,023
WHERE ARE THE KIDS?
THEY KNOW I LIKE

8
00:00:23,057 --> 00:00:24,392
A LITTLE APPLAUSE
WHEN I GET HOME.

9
00:00:24,425 --> 00:00:26,394
BIG SCHOOL PROJECT.
RYDER IS UPSTAIRS

10
00:00:26,427 --> 00:00:28,129
BAGGING UP OLD BEDDING
TO SEND TO HAITI,

11
00:00:28,162 --> 00:00:30,631
LENNOX IS OUT IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
COLLECTING SHOES TO SEND TO HAITI

12
00:00:30,664 --> 00:00:33,567
AND I AM STUFFING ENVELOPES ASKING
FOR CLOTHES TO SEND TO HAITI.

13
00:00:33,601 --> 00:00:37,138
IT'S ALL ABOUT TO HAITI.

14
00:00:37,171 --> 00:00:39,473
DON'T LEAVE ME OUT. WHAT
CAN I DO FOR HAITI?

15
00:00:39,507 --> 00:00:41,509
LICK THIS.

16
00:00:43,811 --> 00:00:46,614
I GOT IT ALL COVERED. I SET UP THE PHONE
TREE, SET UP THE COLLECTION POINTS,

17
00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:48,782
EVEN GOT THE CHICK AT THE MAIL
SHOP TO DONATE FREE SHIPPING.

18
00:00:48,816 --> 00:00:52,320
- SHE DIGS ME.
- SHE'S 80.

19
00:00:52,353 --> 00:00:54,355
YEAH, SHE'S ALSO VERY HANDSY.

20
00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:57,024
THESE JEANS, THEY'RE
LIKE CATNIP FOR HER.

21
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:59,760
I ALSO HELPED RYDER OUT WITH
HIS AMERICAN HISTORY PROJECT

22
00:00:59,793 --> 00:01:01,762
AND I HELPED LENNOX OUT
WITH HER SCIENCE MODEL.

23
00:01:01,795 --> 00:01:03,431
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING
TO BE, A HERO?

24
00:01:03,464 --> 00:01:05,233
NO, I TAKE CARE OF
EVERYTHING IN THE HOME

25
00:01:05,266 --> 00:01:08,369
AND YOU TAKE CARE OF THE
300,000 PEOPLE OF TOLEDO.

26
00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:10,571
THAT IS THE DIVISION OF
LABOR IN THIS HOUSE.

27
00:01:10,604 --> 00:01:12,406
YEAH, BUT WE COULD
SWITCH IT UP, YOU KNOW?

28
00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:15,209
LIKE, SAY, SOMETIME
I COULD COOK.

29
00:01:15,243 --> 00:01:17,445
OKAY, THAT SOUNDED
CRAZY EVEN TO ME.

30
00:01:17,478 --> 00:01:19,447
BUT I DON'T LIKE FEELING
LEFT OUT OF THE LOOP.

31
00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:22,416
TOMORROW I AM GOING TO DRIVE THE KIDS
TO SCHOOL AND FIND OUT FIRSTHAND

32
00:01:22,450 --> 00:01:23,817
WHAT'S GOING ON
OVER AT GRANT HIGH.

33
00:01:23,851 --> 00:01:25,419
YOU'D BETTER BRING
YOUR BOLT CUTTERS

34
00:01:25,453 --> 00:01:27,455
IF YOU WANNA GET IN BECAUSE
TOMORROW'S SATURDAY.

35
00:01:27,488 --> 00:01:29,823
I HOPE YOU GET A PAPER
CUT ON YOUR TONGUE.

36
00:01:31,859 --> 00:01:33,794
- ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD
- ♪ All good

37
00:01:33,827 --> 00:01:35,396
- ♪ IT'S OKAY
- ♪ Okay

38
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:37,231
- ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT
- ♪ All right

39
00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:39,300
♪ AS FAR AS I CAN SEE

40
00:01:39,333 --> 00:01:41,302
- ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD
- ♪ All good

41
00:01:41,335 --> 00:01:43,204
- ♪ IT'S OKAY
- ♪ Okay

42
00:01:43,237 --> 00:01:44,805
- ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT
- ♪ All right

43
00:01:44,838 --> 00:01:50,244
♪ I GUESS YOU'RE STUCK WITH ME ♪

44
00:01:51,779 --> 00:01:53,181
( pants )

45
00:01:53,214 --> 00:01:58,152
AND THAT, MY DEAR
BOY, IS THE HUSTLE.

46
00:01:58,186 --> 00:02:01,455
ALL I SAID WAS, "I WONDER IF
THEY STILL MAKE VINYL RECORDS?"

47
00:02:01,489 --> 00:02:04,558
I DON'T THINK EITHER ONE OF US
DESERVED TO GO THROUGH THAT.

48
00:02:06,294 --> 00:02:07,661
WELL...

49
00:02:07,695 --> 00:02:11,799
THAT WAS THE MOST SUPREMELY
CRAPPY DAY OF MY LIFE.

50
00:02:11,832 --> 00:02:13,367
OH, WHAT WAS IT, HONEY?

51
00:02:13,401 --> 00:02:15,336
A ZIT OR A CRAMP OR
A GUY IGNORED YOU?

52
00:02:15,369 --> 00:02:16,737
'CAUSE I HAD ALL THREE.

53
00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:19,740
OKAY, CAN WE STAY ON ME?
BECAUSE I GOT A "D."

54
00:02:19,773 --> 00:02:22,543
MY ENGLISH TEACHER MR.
SKIMPOLE GAVE IT TO ME.

55
00:02:22,576 --> 00:02:24,445
HE IS SUCH A COLOSSAL TOOL.

56
00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:26,480
LENNOX, IT'S DISRESPECTFUL
TO CALL YOUR TEACHER A TOOL.

57
00:02:26,514 --> 00:02:27,881
NO, IT'S A KNOWN FACT.

58
00:02:27,915 --> 00:02:30,784
HE'S THE TOOL THAT THE
OTHER TOOLS MAKE FUN OF.

59
00:02:30,818 --> 00:02:34,622
THE ASSIGNMENT WAS TO WRITE A
SAMPLE CHAPTER FOR A NOVEL

60
00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:36,890
AND MR. SKIMPOLE
EVISCERATED MINE.

61
00:02:36,924 --> 00:02:40,160
HE SAID THERE IS NO WAY IT COULD
BE TURNED INTO A 200-PAGE NOVEL.

62
00:02:40,194 --> 00:02:43,197
HE SAID I HAVE NO SENSE OF CHARACTER
DEVELOPMENT OR STORY STRUCTURE.

63
00:02:43,231 --> 00:02:46,767
- WHAT KIND OF EDUCATOR IS THAT?
- THE TOOL KIND.

64
00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:48,469
AND I TOLD HIM IT
COULD SO BE A NOVEL

65
00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:50,604
- AND I COULD WRITE IT TOO.
- ABSOLUTELY.

66
00:02:50,638 --> 00:02:52,506
YOU NEED TO STAND UP TO
NAY SAYERS LIKE THAT.

67
00:02:52,540 --> 00:02:54,208
WHEN I WAS GONNA RUN
FOR CITY COUNCIL,

68
00:02:54,242 --> 00:02:55,409
THEY TOLD ME I WAS TOO YOUNG,

69
00:02:55,443 --> 00:02:57,511
I WAS TOO GREEN, I
WAS TOO BLONDE.

70
00:02:57,545 --> 00:03:00,681
- BUT DID YOU
- OH, BUT I SHOWED THEM.

71
00:03:00,714 --> 00:03:02,683
YEAH, AND YOU CAN SHOW
THAT TOOL MR. SKIMPOLE.

72
00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:05,353
HELL YEAH. I'M GONNA
WRITE THAT NOVEL.

73
00:03:05,386 --> 00:03:07,455
I HAVE, LIKE, A WHOLE
WEEK AND A HALF.

74
00:03:07,488 --> 00:03:08,856
A WEEK AND A WHAT?

75
00:03:08,889 --> 00:03:12,226
A WEEK AND A HALF UNTIL
THE GRADING PERIOD ENDS.

76
00:03:12,260 --> 00:03:14,595
I MEAN IF I TURN IN AN
ENTIRE BRILLIANT NOVEL,

77
00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:16,364
HE'LL HAVE TO CHANGE MY GRADE.

78
00:03:16,397 --> 00:03:19,199
- I'M GONNA GET STARTED.
- ATTAGIRL.

79
00:03:19,233 --> 00:03:21,802
WOW, 10 DAYS TO WRITE
A WHOLE NOVEL?

80
00:03:21,835 --> 00:03:25,306
- SHE'S OUT OF HER MIND.
- I KNOW, IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.

81
00:03:25,339 --> 00:03:28,276
HEY, YOU'RE A BIG FAN
OF MY TRI-TIP, RIGHT?

82
00:03:28,309 --> 00:03:29,810
- OH, I LOVE IT.
- THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW.

83
00:03:29,843 --> 00:03:31,745
I DIDN'T MAKE ANY
OF THAT TONIGHT.

84
00:03:31,779 --> 00:03:34,214
WHAT I DO HAVE YOU
COULD REHEAT, OKAY? EN

85
00:03:34,248 --> 00:03:35,616
I GOTTA GET TO A
BOOSTER CLUB MEETING.

86
00:03:35,649 --> 00:03:37,751
WHOA, BOOSTER CLUB? AT THE HIGH SCHOOL?
I'LL GO.

87
00:03:37,785 --> 00:03:40,821
I MEAN, LET ME GIVE YOU A BREAK
FROM ALL THIS KID-RELATED ACTIVITY.

88
00:03:40,854 --> 00:03:43,657
NO, YOU KNOW, THESE PARENT VOLUNTEER
MEETINGS CAN BE VERY TRICKY.

89
00:03:43,691 --> 00:03:46,260
I'VE ALREADY SORT OF ESTABLISHED
MY POSITION IN THE PACK.

90
00:03:46,294 --> 00:03:48,662
YOU'RE GONNA BE LIKE FRESH MEAT
TO THESE BOOSTER LADIES...

91
00:03:48,696 --> 00:03:52,866
YOU KNOW, SORT OF LIKE A LAME
ZEBRA AT A WATERING HOLE.

92
00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:54,602
PLEASE, I'M IN POLITICS.

93
00:03:54,635 --> 00:03:57,338
YOU THINK I'M INTIMIDATED BY
THE HIGH SCHOOL BOOSTER CLUB?

94
00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:03,611
SORRY I'M LATE.

95
00:04:03,644 --> 00:04:05,813
DID YOU KNOW ALL THE GATES AT
NIGHT ARE LOCKED EXCEPT ONE?

96
00:04:05,846 --> 00:04:07,881
WELL, OF COURSE YOU DO.
YOU'RE BOOSTERS.

97
00:04:07,915 --> 00:04:11,485
SORRY. JUST GO AHEAD.
DON'T LET ME...

98
00:04:11,519 --> 00:04:12,753
OOH, SORRY... INTERRUPT YOU.

99
00:04:12,786 --> 00:04:14,522
TOO LATE FOR THAT. WHO ARE YOU?

100
00:04:14,555 --> 00:04:16,457
MEL BURKE. EXCUSE ME.

101
00:04:16,490 --> 00:04:18,459
LENNOX AND RYDER SCANLON'S AUNT.

102
00:04:18,492 --> 00:04:20,894
WELL, YOU MAY KNOW ME BETTER
AS COUNCILPERSON MEL BURKE.

103
00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:24,332
YEAH, YOU KNOW, "MAKE
TOLEDO WORK WITH BURKE"?

104
00:04:24,365 --> 00:04:27,668
- JOEY LONGO IS MY NANNY.
- Women: OH!

105
00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:29,603
HE COULDN'T MAKE IT,
SO I'M HERE INSTEAD.

106
00:04:29,637 --> 00:04:32,906
- Women: AW!
- JOE'S NOT COMING? WE LOVE JOE.

107
00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:35,609
HE PROMISED TO BRING
HIS FAMOUS TIRAMISU.

108
00:04:35,643 --> 00:04:40,280
OH, WAS THAT FOR YOU GUYS? I...
'CAUSE I DIDN'T SEE IT.

109
00:04:41,649 --> 00:04:44,652
OKAY, BACK TO THE AGENDA...
THE ANNUAL FUNDRAISER.

110
00:04:44,685 --> 00:04:46,754
AUCTION ITEMS. MORE IDEAS?

111
00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:48,556
I'M DONATING THREE SESSIONS

112
00:04:48,589 --> 00:04:50,924
- WITH MY BROTHER THE CHIROPRACTOR.
- YUMMY!

113
00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:53,293
AND EVELYN, I REMEMBER YOU
SAID YOU WERE DONATING

114
00:04:53,327 --> 00:04:57,731
- SIX HOURS OF HOME DECORATING CONSULTATION.
- YUM-MY!

115
00:04:57,765 --> 00:05:00,901
OH, AND LAURA PROMISED
TWO LAVISH SPA PACKAGES

116
00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:03,637
- AT LES VISAGE VERTS.
- Boosters: OOH!

117
00:05:03,671 --> 00:05:06,640
MEL BURKE, COUNCILPERSON,
SEVENTH DISTRICT.

118
00:05:06,674 --> 00:05:09,343
I HAVE AN EXCLUSIVE ITEM I'D
LIKE TO DONATE TO THE AUCTION...

119
00:05:09,377 --> 00:05:11,712
ATTEND A HEARING OF THE
TOLEDO CITY COUNCIL

120
00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:13,914
AS MY V.I.P. GUEST.

121
00:05:13,947 --> 00:05:17,050
WILL YOU HAVE A GREAT TIME? AYE!

122
00:05:17,084 --> 00:05:19,620
GREAT. GOOD TO HAVE
SOME BACKUP IDEAS.

123
00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:22,322
- OKAY, NEXT ITEM.
- YOU DIDN'T WRITE IT ON THE BOARD.

124
00:05:22,356 --> 00:05:25,426
OKAY, HOW DO I PUT THIS NICELY?

125
00:05:25,459 --> 00:05:27,628
PERHAPS IF YOU HAD BEEN
AT A FEW MEETINGS,

126
00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:30,464
YOU'D KNOW WHAT IT IS
WE'RE TRYING TO DO HERE.

127
00:05:30,498 --> 00:05:33,801
WELL, THANKS FOR
NICING IT UP FOR ME.

128
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:35,403
SO GWYNETH, WHAT'S THIS I HEAR

129
00:05:35,436 --> 00:05:37,571
ABOUT YOU OFFERING UP YOUR
CONDO FOR A WEEKEND IN VAIL?

130
00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:40,441
Woman: WOW, A WEEKEND IN VAIL?

131
00:05:40,474 --> 00:05:41,975
DOUBLE YUM!

132
00:05:43,944 --> 00:05:46,046
OH, GOOD LORD. YES?

133
00:05:46,079 --> 00:05:47,981
I HAVE ANOTHER ITEM
I'D LIKE TO DONATE.

134
00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:50,418
REALLY? IS IT AS GOOD
AS THE LAST ONE?

135
00:05:50,451 --> 00:05:52,420
- I DON'T KNOW HOW IT COULD BE.
- OH!

136
00:05:52,453 --> 00:05:54,655
- ( laughing )
- WELL, IMAGINE THIS...

137
00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:56,590
THE GREATEST NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE.

138
00:05:56,624 --> 00:06:00,428
YOUR HOUSE ORGANIZED,
YOUR DINNER GOURMET,

139
00:06:00,461 --> 00:06:02,496
YOUR CHILDREN TAKEN CARE
OF BY THE GREATEST NANNY

140
00:06:02,530 --> 00:06:04,632
THIS SIDE OF MARY POPPINS...
JOE LONGO.

141
00:06:04,665 --> 00:06:06,600
Boosters: OH!

142
00:06:06,634 --> 00:06:09,737
- YOU'RE DONATING JOE?
- YEAH, I AM.

143
00:06:09,770 --> 00:06:14,041
HMM, THE BEST NIGHT OF
YOUR LIFE WITH JOE LONGO.

144
00:06:14,074 --> 00:06:16,610
THAT'S A YUMMY!

145
00:06:18,011 --> 00:06:21,348
I HAD NO IDEA JOE WAS
SUCH A GENEROUS MAN.

146
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:24,051
OH YEAH, NEITHER DOES HE.

147
00:06:29,423 --> 00:06:31,825
WELL, LOOK AT THAT, THE
ZEBRA LIMPS HOME ALIVE.

148
00:06:31,859 --> 00:06:34,027
HOW'D IT GO?

149
00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:35,996
OH, YOU KNOW HOW
THOSE MEETINGS ARE.

150
00:06:36,029 --> 00:06:38,398
EVERYONE'S GOT THEIR MATCHING MARTHA
STEWART STICKS UP THEIR BUTTS

151
00:06:38,432 --> 00:06:40,768
AND EVERYONE'S TRYING TO OUTDO EVERYBODY
ELSE WITH WHAT THEY'RE DONATING.

152
00:06:40,801 --> 00:06:42,803
I WAS LIKE, "HOW ABOUT THE BEST
NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE WITH JOE LONGO?"

153
00:06:42,836 --> 00:06:44,371
EVERYBODY WAS LIKE, "YUMMY!"

154
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:46,006
THEN THERE WAS THIS WALNUT
RING THAT WAS NOT YUMMY.

155
00:06:46,039 --> 00:06:47,608
WHOA, STOP. WAIT A MINUTE.

156
00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:50,377
I KNOW, A WALNUT RING IS LIKE
THE MOST HORRIBLE THING EVER.

157
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,613
NO NO NO. WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.

158
00:06:52,646 --> 00:06:55,749
YOU... YOU VOLUNTEERED
TO DONATE ME?

159
00:06:57,751 --> 00:07:00,087
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHICH
WORD IN THERE TO EMPHASIZE.

160
00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:03,390
WELL, ALL THOSE LADIES WERE TREATING
ME LIKE A SECOND-CLASS CITIZEN

161
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:04,792
BECAUSE I'M NOT
TECHNICALLY A MOM

162
00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:06,694
AND I HAVEN'T TECHNICALLY BEEN
TO ANY OF THEIR MEETINGS.

163
00:07:06,727 --> 00:07:08,962
AND THEY WERE ALL LIKE, "I'M DONATING
AN HOUR OF MICRODERMABRASION."

164
00:07:08,996 --> 00:07:11,398
"WELL, I'M DONATING
MY CONDO IN VAIL."

165
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:13,701
SO IT WAS JUST A BIG
UTERUS-MEASURING CONTEST THEN.

166
00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:16,637
I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS. I LET
YOU GO TO ONE MEETING...

167
00:07:16,670 --> 00:07:18,839
EXCUSE ME. YOU LET
ME GO TO A MEETING?

168
00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:20,774
COME ON, THOSE BOOSTER
CLUB LADIES THOUGHT

169
00:07:20,808 --> 00:07:23,076
A NIGHT WITH JOE LONGO
WAS THE BEST IDEA EVER!

170
00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:25,713
BECAUSE OF YOU, JOE. YOU
KNOW, YOU'RE AMAZING.

171
00:07:25,746 --> 00:07:27,447
I MEAN YOUR COOKING IS AWESOME.

172
00:07:27,481 --> 00:07:29,049
AND THE WAY YOU ARE WITH THE KIDS...
YOU HAVE A GIFT.

173
00:07:29,082 --> 00:07:32,052
- DON'T TRY TO BUTT KISS YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS.
- PLEASE, JOE?

174
00:07:32,085 --> 00:07:33,787
COME ON, IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE.

175
00:07:33,821 --> 00:07:36,056
- THE SCHOOL BAND NEEDS INSTRUMENTS.
- UNIFORMS.

176
00:07:36,089 --> 00:07:37,791
AT LEAST I KNEW IT WAS
SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE BAND.

177
00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:39,927
- OH MY GOD.
- COME ON!

178
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,796
YOU HAVE TO GO OR I'LL
LOOK LIKE A NOBODY

179
00:07:42,830 --> 00:07:44,832
IN FRONT OF ALL THOSE
BOOSTER BIMBOS.

180
00:07:44,865 --> 00:07:48,068
I MEAN FOR THE KIDS!
DO IT FOR THE KIDS!

181
00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:57,010
Woman over P.A.:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

182
00:07:57,044 --> 00:07:58,646
THE AUCTION WILL BEGIN
IN FIVE MINUTES.

183
00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:00,047
WILL YOU LIGHTEN UP?

184
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:01,882
I ALREADY THANKED YOU,
LIKE, 1,000 TIMES.

185
00:08:01,915 --> 00:08:03,483
WHAT ELSE CAN I SAY?

186
00:08:03,517 --> 00:08:05,052
YOU'RE A SAINT FOR
SHOWING UP FOR ME.

187
00:08:05,085 --> 00:08:08,121
THAT'S ME, SAINT JOSEPH, PATRON SAINT
OF PEOPLE WHO SHOULD HAVE GONE

188
00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:10,624
TO BOOSTER CLUB MEETINGS
INSTEAD OF YOU.

189
00:08:10,658 --> 00:08:12,626
I'M ONLY HERE TO RAISE
MONEY FOR THE SCHOOL.

190
00:08:12,660 --> 00:08:13,994
( rumba music playing )

191
00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:16,029
OOH, A RUMBA. LET'S DANCE.

192
00:08:16,063 --> 00:08:18,031
NO, I DON'T THINK IT
WOULD BE APPROPRIATE

193
00:08:18,065 --> 00:08:20,033
FOR ME TO DANCE WITH MY OWNER.

194
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:23,203
( raspberry )

195
00:08:24,705 --> 00:08:26,574
Lennox: RIDICULOUS
OBJECTIVE CORRELATIVES.

196
00:08:26,607 --> 00:08:30,944
OVERBLOWN DRIVEL. STUPID
GARBAGE DERIVATIVES!

197
00:08:30,978 --> 00:08:34,481
- LENNOX, WHAT'S UP? YOU OKAY?
- NO.

198
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:38,251
WRITING A NOVEL IN 10 DAYS IS
A LOT HARDER THAN I THOUGHT.

199
00:08:38,285 --> 00:08:41,254
ALL YOU WROTE IS "A-H-H-H."

200
00:08:41,288 --> 00:08:43,957
YEAH, IT'S PRONOUNCED "AHHH!"

201
00:08:43,991 --> 00:08:47,527
I DON'T KNOW WHO MY
CHARACTERS ARE ANYMORE.

202
00:08:47,561 --> 00:08:49,062
I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE.

203
00:08:49,096 --> 00:08:51,098
NO, LENNOX, YOU CANNOT
LET SKIMPOLE WIN.

204
00:08:51,131 --> 00:08:53,266
I ALREADY TOLD ALL MY FRIENDS
YOU'RE TAKING HIM DOWN.

205
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:55,803
ALL OF MY STREET CRED
IS RIDING ON THIS.

206
00:08:55,836 --> 00:08:58,739
YEAH WELL, HOW CAN I
CALL MYSELF A WRITER

207
00:08:58,772 --> 00:09:01,008
IF I CAN'T EVEN ORGANIZE
A SIMPLE 200-PAGE NOVEL?

208
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:02,643
YOU KNOW, WHEN I'M EDITING

209
00:09:02,676 --> 00:09:04,612
MY DIGITAL FILMS I
USE INDEX CARDS.

210
00:09:04,645 --> 00:09:06,213
ALL THE GREAT
FILMMAKERS USE THEM...

211
00:09:06,246 --> 00:09:09,016
QUENTIN TARANTINO, TYLER PERRY.

212
00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:12,219
WHAT YOU DO IS YOU TAKE THE SCENES OR
PLOT POINTS AND YOU WRITE THEM ON A CARD

213
00:09:12,252 --> 00:09:14,755
AND THEN PUT THEM ON A BULLETIN
BOARD AND MOVE THEM AROUND.

214
00:09:14,788 --> 00:09:18,525
THAT'S YOUR ADVICE? WRITE NOTES?

215
00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:21,294
JOT THIS DOWN. GET OUT!

216
00:09:21,328 --> 00:09:24,031
WOW, YOU'RE PRETTY MEAN
FOR A DESPERATE PERSON.

217
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:28,135
I AM NOT MEAN. I AM
CREATIVELY CONSTIPATED.

218
00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:30,671
BUT YOU'RE STILL ABLE
TO GIVE ME CRAP.

219
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:34,642
RYDER, COME BACK.

220
00:09:34,675 --> 00:09:36,143
AND BRING INDEX CARDS.

221
00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:39,312
OH, AND CHOCOLATE... THE GOOD
STUFF THAT AUNT MEL HIDES.

222
00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:45,552
AND WE'RE UP TO $75 FOR
OUR DAY OF BEAUTY.

223
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,120
DO I HEAR $80?

224
00:09:47,154 --> 00:09:50,624
$80 ONCE. $80 TWICE.

225
00:09:50,658 --> 00:09:52,660
$200!

226
00:09:52,693 --> 00:09:56,797
GOING ONCE, GOING TWICE,
SOLD TO BIDDER NUMBER 51.

227
00:09:56,830 --> 00:09:59,633
- People: OH.
- CONGRATULATIONS.

228
00:09:59,667 --> 00:10:01,635
SHE NEEDS A DAY OF
BEAUTY MORE THAN I DO.

229
00:10:01,669 --> 00:10:04,037
YOU SEE THOSE LOUIS VUITTON
BAGS UNDER HER EYES?

230
00:10:04,071 --> 00:10:06,907
WE GOT A BUNCH OF DRINK TICKETS
WHEN WE CAME IN HERE, DIDN'T WE?

231
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:09,209
NO, I'VE ONLY GOT A COUPLE.

232
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:14,748
DON'T JUDGE ME, OKAY?

233
00:10:14,782 --> 00:10:16,850
THEY JACKED THE CHARDONNAY
UP TO THREE TICKETS A POP.

234
00:10:16,884 --> 00:10:19,687
AND OUR NEXT ITEM, LOT NUMBER 8:

235
00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:21,922
THE BEST NIGHT OF YOUR
LIFE WITH JOE LONGO.

236
00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:25,058
DINNER AND CHILDCARE WITH
A NANNY PAR EXCELLENCE

237
00:10:25,092 --> 00:10:27,327
PROVIDED BY MEL BURKE.

238
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:30,297
- YOU PROVIDED ME?
- Woman: JOE LONGO.

239
00:10:30,330 --> 00:10:32,700
I GAVE HER GREAT MATERIAL
AND SHE ISN'T USING IT.

240
00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:34,267
- COME HERE.
- WAIT, NO. I'M NOT GOING...

241
00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:35,903
- I DON'T WANNA...
- EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.

242
00:10:35,936 --> 00:10:38,739
- HI HI. I'VE GOT THIS. ALL RIGHT.
- OH!

243
00:10:38,772 --> 00:10:40,908
HEY, WHAT THE...

244
00:10:40,941 --> 00:10:44,745
ALL RIGHT, LET ME TELL YOU
ABOUT JOE LONGO, MY NANNY.

245
00:10:44,778 --> 00:10:48,048
- I'M FREELANCE.
- ALL RIGHT.

246
00:10:48,081 --> 00:10:50,083
WHEN YOU HAVE JOE
LONGO IN YOUR HOME,

247
00:10:50,117 --> 00:10:52,920
YOU DON'T JUST HAVE A
GOURMET CHEF, ALL RIGHT?

248
00:10:52,953 --> 00:10:54,855
YOU DON'T JUST HAVE A HANDYMAN.

249
00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:56,990
YOU DON'T JUST HAVE
A CHILDCARE EXPERT.

250
00:10:57,024 --> 00:10:58,892
YOU HAVE A BALLROOM DANCE MASTER

251
00:10:58,926 --> 00:11:00,694
WHO CAN ALSO
BENCH-PRESS 200 LBS.

252
00:11:00,728 --> 00:11:03,864
- CAN WE SHOW HIM SOME LOVE, PEOPLE?
- ( cheering )

253
00:11:03,897 --> 00:11:05,966
ALL RIGHT, NOW I WANNA
START THE BIDDING

254
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:08,168
ON THIS IMPRESSIVE
PACKAGE AT $150.

255
00:11:08,201 --> 00:11:10,237
DO I HAVE $150? $150, ALL RIGHT.

256
00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:12,205
$200? ANYBODY?

257
00:11:12,239 --> 00:11:15,776
COME ON, THOSE PADDLES AREN'T JUST
FOR PLAYING PING-PONG, PEOPLE.

258
00:11:15,809 --> 00:11:17,344
COME ON, DO YOU
WANNA BE BEAT OUT

259
00:11:17,377 --> 00:11:19,146
BY A GLUTEN-FREE MUFFIN BASKET?

260
00:11:20,447 --> 00:11:22,015
IF YOUR KIDS NEED
HELP WITH MATH,

261
00:11:22,049 --> 00:11:23,984
COLUMBIA M.B.A. IN DA HOUSE.

262
00:11:25,318 --> 00:11:26,887
HE'S NOT KIDDING AROUND, PEOPLE.

263
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,355
ALL RIGHT, DO I HEAR $200, $200?

264
00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:30,423
ALL RIGHT. $250? $250?

265
00:11:30,457 --> 00:11:32,059
TAKE YOUR JACKET OFF.
STRUT YOUR STUFF.

266
00:11:32,092 --> 00:11:33,927
- I'M NOT TAKING MY JACKET OFF.
- NO, COME ON.

267
00:11:33,961 --> 00:11:35,729
- ALL RIGHT, YOU DO IT.
- I'LL TAKE MY JACKET OFF.

268
00:11:35,763 --> 00:11:37,030
$250! ALL RIGHT, DO I HEAR $300?

269
00:11:37,064 --> 00:11:39,733
$300. $350? ANYONE? $350?

270
00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:41,902
$400. $400. $450?

271
00:11:41,935 --> 00:11:44,972
- COME ON, PEOPLE, HOW BADDO YOU WANT IT?
- $1,000.

272
00:11:45,005 --> 00:11:47,908
- $1,000?
- SERIOUSLY?

273
00:11:47,941 --> 00:11:49,743
SHE SAID IT. SHUT UP.
NO BACKSIES.

274
00:11:49,777 --> 00:11:52,846
ALL RIGHT, $1,000. GOING ONCE,
TWICE, SOLD TO TRISHA ATLEY-SINGER!

275
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:56,884
- ( people cheering )
- $1,000 SMACKEROOS FOR THE BAND INSTRUMENTS.

276
00:11:56,917 --> 00:11:59,119
- UNIFORMS.
- UNIFORMS.

277
00:11:59,152 --> 00:12:00,253
WHOO.

278
00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:02,756
DID YOU SEE THAT?

279
00:12:02,790 --> 00:12:04,758
I JUST WENT FOR MORE
THAN THE CONDO IN VAIL.

280
00:12:04,792 --> 00:12:08,762
HEH, ONCE AGAIN JOE LONGO
BRINGS IN THE CASH.

281
00:12:08,796 --> 00:12:11,431
I KNOW. LET THEM TRY TO LOOK
DOWN THEIR NOSES AT ME NOW

282
00:12:11,464 --> 00:12:14,301
AFTER I GAVE THEM THE MOST
DESIRABLE ITEM IN THE AUCTION.

283
00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:17,737
- ITEM? NOW I'M AN ITEM?
- YEP.

284
00:12:28,215 --> 00:12:30,083
SO THIS IS IT.

285
00:12:30,117 --> 00:12:32,953
YOU READY TO PROVIDE THE BEST NIGHT OF
YOUR LIFE TO THE ATLEY-SINGER FAMILY?

286
00:12:32,986 --> 00:12:34,354
IT'S NOT GONNA BE THE
BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE.

287
00:12:34,387 --> 00:12:36,223
I WAS JUST TALKING TO ONE
OF THE OTHER BOOSTER MOMS.

288
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:38,158
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY TOLD ME?
TRISHA'S GOT FOUR KIDS.

289
00:12:38,191 --> 00:12:40,427
- YEAH, LITTLE KIDS.
- SO? YOU'RE GREAT WITH KIDS.

290
00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:42,229
YOU KNOW, RYDER AND LENNOX?

291
00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:45,799
WELL, RYDER AND LENNOX DON'T YELL
"WIPE ME" FROM THE BATHROOM.

292
00:12:45,833 --> 00:12:47,200
IT'S NOT GONNA BE A PROBLEM.

293
00:12:47,234 --> 00:12:49,369
YOU'LL BE FABULOUS WITH THE KIDS.
JUST BE PREPARED.

294
00:12:49,402 --> 00:12:51,304
SO WHAT SHOULD I DO? BRING SOME
FINGERPAINTS AND A PUZZLE?

295
00:12:51,338 --> 00:12:52,505
SURE, AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK,

296
00:12:52,539 --> 00:12:55,042
TRY A JUICE BOX
FILLED WITH VODKA.

297
00:12:55,075 --> 00:12:56,877
ARE YOU CRAZY? I'M NOT
GIVING ALCOHOL TO KIDS.

298
00:12:56,910 --> 00:12:59,980
OF COURSE NOT. THE
VODKA'S FOR YOU.

299
00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:02,349
YOU BRING DUCT
TAPE FOR THE KIDS.

300
00:13:02,382 --> 00:13:05,385
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE A
GREAT MOM SOMEDAY.

301
00:13:06,553 --> 00:13:09,256
( doorbell rings )

302
00:13:09,289 --> 00:13:13,260
- WELL, HELLO, JOE LONGO.
- HEY, TRISH. OH, THANK YOU.

303
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:15,395
SO LOOK, I STOPPED BY THE
TOY STORE ON MY WAY HERE.

304
00:13:15,428 --> 00:13:18,298
I HOPE YOUR KIDS LIKE KERPLUNK.

305
00:13:18,331 --> 00:13:21,234
OH, WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT?
I GOT MY DAYS MIXED UP.

306
00:13:21,268 --> 00:13:23,536
THIS IS THE WEEKEND THE KIDS
SPEND WITH THEIR FATHER.

307
00:13:23,570 --> 00:13:25,338
OH, OKAY.

308
00:13:25,372 --> 00:13:27,240
SO YOU HAVE A DATE COMING
OVER OR SOMETHING?

309
00:13:27,274 --> 00:13:28,942
BECAUSE I'LL JUST
COOK FOR YOU TWO.

310
00:13:28,976 --> 00:13:30,844
WHATEVER'S LEFTOVER YOU CAN
JUST FREEZE FOR THE KIDS.

311
00:13:30,878 --> 00:13:34,047
SORRY TO SAY, IT'S JUST ME.

312
00:13:34,081 --> 00:13:36,449
OH.

313
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:38,986
WELL, I HOPE YOU LIKE KERPLUNK.

314
00:13:39,019 --> 00:13:42,222
THIS IS KIND OF A CHANGE.
SO WHAT'S THE PLAN?

315
00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:45,092
WELL, LET'S START WITH DINNER

316
00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:48,395
AND THEN SEE WHERE
THE NIGHT TAKES US.

317
00:13:51,431 --> 00:13:53,566
THESE JEANS ARE JUST DEADLY.

318
00:13:56,870 --> 00:13:59,539
( ringing )

319
00:13:59,572 --> 00:14:01,841
- JOE, IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
- YEAH YEAH, IT'S FINE.

320
00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:03,843
I WAS JUST, YOU KNOW,
CALLING TO CHECK IN

321
00:14:03,877 --> 00:14:05,245
JUST TO SEE IF YOU
WERE TIRED OF IT.

322
00:14:05,278 --> 00:14:07,547
- TIRED OF WHAT?
- BEING WRONG.

323
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:09,382
YOU SAID TONIGHT WAS
GONNA GO GREAT.

324
00:14:09,416 --> 00:14:10,884
WHY? DID SOMETHING
HAPPEN TO THE KIDS?

325
00:14:10,918 --> 00:14:12,252
WOULDN'T KNOW. THE
KIDS AREN'T HERE.

326
00:14:12,285 --> 00:14:13,386
OH MY GOD, DID YOU
LOSE THEM ALREADY?

327
00:14:13,420 --> 00:14:15,555
NO, I DID NOT LOSE THE KIDS.

328
00:14:15,588 --> 00:14:17,290
NO, IT'S JUST ME AND TRISH HERE

329
00:14:17,324 --> 00:14:19,259
IN HER LOVE LAIR.

330
00:14:19,292 --> 00:14:21,294
APPARENTLY SHE THOUGHT
THE JOE LONGO PACKAGE

331
00:14:21,328 --> 00:14:25,398
INCLUDES JOE LONGO'S PACKAGE.

332
00:14:25,432 --> 00:14:28,001
WHAT? WELL, GET OUT OF THERE.

333
00:14:28,035 --> 00:14:30,337
OH, I SEE. NOW YOU CARE ABOUT
WHAT HAPPENS TO ME, HUH?

334
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:34,374
Trisha: JOSEPH, IT'S JUST ME
AND THE PORK LOIN OVER HERE.

335
00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:38,278
AND ONE OF US NEEDS
A NICE SPICY RUB.

336
00:14:42,582 --> 00:14:44,985
SHE PAID A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS.
I GOTTA GO.

337
00:14:45,018 --> 00:14:48,388
JOE. JOE! DON'T DO IT!

338
00:14:54,327 --> 00:14:57,397
THE CLIMAX... WHERE
IS THE CLIMAX?

339
00:14:57,430 --> 00:15:00,400
OH OKAY!

340
00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:02,936
MARTINE DISCOVERS
THAT HER MOTHER

341
00:15:02,970 --> 00:15:05,172
IS IN FACT HER FATHER.

342
00:15:05,205 --> 00:15:06,873
NO NO!

343
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:09,576
THAT SHOULD COME AT THE
END OF CHAPTER 10.

344
00:15:09,609 --> 00:15:12,379
IT'LL NEVER WORK, MISS SCANLON.

345
00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:15,482
MR. SKIMPOLE? HOW DID
YOU GET IN HERE?

346
00:15:15,515 --> 00:15:18,518
PFFT, BACKSTORY. NOBODY CARES.

347
00:15:18,551 --> 00:15:21,554
AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW? YOU DON'T EVEN
HAVE A GRIPPING OPENING SENTENCE.

348
00:15:21,588 --> 00:15:25,125
THAT'S NOT TRUE. I HAVE
MANY GRIPPING SENTENCES.

349
00:15:25,158 --> 00:15:27,527
WHAT, HERE? OR HERE?

350
00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:30,563
CERTAINLY NOT HERE.

351
00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:32,632
FACE IT, MISS SCANLON,
YOU'RE A FAILURE.

352
00:15:32,665 --> 00:15:35,302
YOU'LL NEVER BE A
REAL WRITER, NEVER.

353
00:15:35,335 --> 00:15:37,104
WHAT? NO! BUT I HAVE TO.

354
00:15:37,137 --> 00:15:40,373
( laughing )

355
00:15:40,407 --> 00:15:44,011
EVEN YOUR NIGHTMARE MATERIAL
IS DESPERATELY BANAL.

356
00:15:44,044 --> 00:15:46,213
- OH!
- LENNOX?

357
00:15:46,246 --> 00:15:51,218
- WHO WERE YOU TALKING TO?
- MR. SKIMPOLE. HE WAS HERE.

358
00:15:51,251 --> 00:15:55,055
LENNOX, YOU HAVE A COUGH
DROP IN YOUR HAIR.

359
00:15:55,088 --> 00:15:58,992
I GIVE UP. I CAN'T DO THIS.

360
00:15:59,026 --> 00:16:02,595
NO NO. NO, LENNOX, YOU ARE
VERY TALENTED AND CREATIVE.

361
00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:05,632
YOU JUST NEED A LITTLE
HELP ORGANIZING.

362
00:16:05,665 --> 00:16:09,502
SO WHAT HAPPENS FIRST? DOES
MARTINE BEHEAD THE VAMPIRE

363
00:16:09,536 --> 00:16:13,506
OR DO THE SKINNY HIGH SCHOOL
GIRLS EAT THEIR CLASSMATES?

364
00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:15,142
I DON'T KNOW.

365
00:16:15,175 --> 00:16:17,677
YES, YOU DO, LENNOX. DIG DEEP.

366
00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:21,981
OKAY, UH, SKINNY GIRLS
AND THEN THE VAMPIRE.

367
00:16:22,015 --> 00:16:24,017
OKAY.

368
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,022
OH MY GOD, THAT WORKS.

369
00:16:29,056 --> 00:16:31,524
HA, TAKE THAT, MR. SKIMPOLE.

370
00:16:31,558 --> 00:16:34,461
- HEY, THANKS, RYDER.
- OH NO, DON'T THANK ME. THANK TYLER PERRY.

371
00:16:36,696 --> 00:16:38,265
OKAY, DINNER IS ALL SET.

372
00:16:38,298 --> 00:16:40,167
JUST NEEDS TO STAY IN THE BROILER
FOR LIKE 20 MORE MINUTES.

373
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,402
A LOT CAN HAPPEN IN 20 MINUTES.

374
00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:45,738
CAN I TEMPT YOU...
WITH SOME WINE?

375
00:16:45,772 --> 00:16:48,275
NO. NOPE, NOT FOR ME,
NOT WHILE I'M WORKING.

376
00:16:48,308 --> 00:16:51,544
THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING HERE TONIGHT...
JUST DOING MY WORK.

377
00:16:51,578 --> 00:16:55,548
WELL, THERE IS SOMETHING I
WONDERED IF YOU COULD DO FOR ME...

378
00:16:58,251 --> 00:17:00,253
SOMETHING I NEED A MAN FOR.

379
00:17:00,287 --> 00:17:02,155
WOULD YOU CHANGE THAT
LIGHT BULB FOR ME?

380
00:17:02,189 --> 00:17:03,690
TRISH, I'M GONNA HAVE TO
DRAW THE LINE RIGHT HERE.

381
00:17:03,723 --> 00:17:06,093
THERE'S NO WAY I'M GONNA...
CHANGE THE LIGHT BULB? YES.

382
00:17:06,126 --> 00:17:09,529
ABSOLUTELY, OF COURSE. I'D
LOVE TO DO THAT, YEAH.

383
00:17:09,562 --> 00:17:10,997
THIS ONE. ALL RIGHT.

384
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:12,399
YOU HAVE A LITTLE
STEPLADDER OR SOMETHING?

385
00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:13,666
YOU CAN JUST STAND ON THE CHAIR.

386
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:16,269
YOU DON'T... YOU DON'T...
OKAY. FINE, SURE.

387
00:17:16,303 --> 00:17:20,073
WOW, LOOK AT YOU...
SUCH ANIMAL GRACE.

388
00:17:20,107 --> 00:17:22,242
( chuckles ) THANKS. YEAH.

389
00:17:22,275 --> 00:17:26,146
HERE, LET ME HOLD YOU
SO YOU DON'T FALL.

390
00:17:26,179 --> 00:17:29,316
- YOU'VE DONE THIS BEFORE.
- MM, YEAH.

391
00:17:29,349 --> 00:17:31,751
BUT WE CAN PRETEND
IT'S MY FIRST TIME.

392
00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:34,487
( both laugh )

393
00:17:34,521 --> 00:17:38,125
- ( doorbell rings )
- OH, WHO COULD THAT BE?

394
00:17:38,158 --> 00:17:41,694
I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'M GONNA LIGHT
A CANDLE FOR WHOEVER THAT IS.

395
00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:44,164
- MEL BURKE.
- HI.

396
00:17:44,197 --> 00:17:46,399
MEL! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

397
00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:49,169
- YES, WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT?
- OH, QUALITY CONTROL.

398
00:17:49,202 --> 00:17:51,438
JUST, YOU KNOW, MAKING SURE
MY AUCTION DONATION PERSON

399
00:17:51,471 --> 00:17:53,673
IS BEING ENJOYED BY THE LUCKY
LADY WHO WON IT... HIM.

400
00:17:53,706 --> 00:17:55,742
AH, GREAT. COME HERE. LET
ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

401
00:17:55,775 --> 00:17:57,744
WHAT THE HELL ARE
YOU DOING HERE?

402
00:17:57,777 --> 00:17:59,546
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO
CALLED ME IN A PANIC.

403
00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:00,813
I JUST CALLED TO
MAKE YOU FEEL BAD.

404
00:18:00,847 --> 00:18:02,615
CLEARLY I'VE DONE THAT,
SO I'LL SEE YOU AT HOME.

405
00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:04,217
- GOOD NIGHT.
- WAIT. WAIT WAIT WAIT!

406
00:18:04,251 --> 00:18:07,154
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH HER?

407
00:18:07,187 --> 00:18:09,256
WHY DO YOU CARE?

408
00:18:09,289 --> 00:18:11,291
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT
YOU TO, YOU KNOW,

409
00:18:11,324 --> 00:18:13,793
COMPROMISE YOUR VALUE
AS AN AUCTION ITEM.

410
00:18:15,195 --> 00:18:17,364
I THOUGHT I BOUGHT AN
EVENING WITH JOE LONGO,

411
00:18:17,397 --> 00:18:20,099
NOT JOE LONGO AND
HIS LITTLE KEEPER.

412
00:18:20,133 --> 00:18:23,636
HEY, OKAY, IT WAS A NIGHT WITH JOE
LONGO COOKING AND BABYSITTING.

413
00:18:23,670 --> 00:18:26,706
AND IF YOU TRY FOR ANYTHING THAT'S
GONNA SKANK THAT UP, HE'S OUT OF HERE.

414
00:18:26,739 --> 00:18:28,608
- MEL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- OKAY WELL, IF HE LEAVES,

415
00:18:28,641 --> 00:18:30,843
I'LL LET THE SCHOOL KNOW THAT
YOU RENEGED ON YOUR DONATION.

416
00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:33,313
YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT THE SCHOOL.
YOU'RE NEVER THERE.

417
00:18:33,346 --> 00:18:35,148
FRANKLY, I'LL QUESTION
YOUR COMMITMENT.

418
00:18:35,182 --> 00:18:37,150
WHAT HAVE YOU EVER
GIVEN GRANT HIGH?

419
00:18:37,184 --> 00:18:39,852
$1,100.

420
00:18:39,886 --> 00:18:41,154
- WHAT?
- WHAT?

421
00:18:41,188 --> 00:18:42,822
YEAH, YOU BID $1,000 FOR HIM.

422
00:18:42,855 --> 00:18:44,824
I'M COUNTERING. $1,100.

423
00:18:44,857 --> 00:18:46,693
YOU CAN'T RESTART
THE BIDDING, MEL.

424
00:18:46,726 --> 00:18:48,861
- $1,200.
- MAYBE YOU CAN.

425
00:18:48,895 --> 00:18:51,364
- $1,300.
- $1,400.

426
00:18:51,398 --> 00:18:53,233
THESE JEANS ARE LIKE MAGIC.

427
00:18:53,266 --> 00:18:54,567
- $1,500.
- $1,600.

428
00:18:54,601 --> 00:18:57,537
- $2,000!
- $2,000?

429
00:18:57,570 --> 00:19:00,607
IT'S BEEN A WHILE,
HUH, COUNCILWOMAN?

430
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,475
CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU CAN HAVE HIM.

431
00:19:02,509 --> 00:19:04,577
DID YOU SEE THAT?

432
00:19:04,611 --> 00:19:07,847
I WON. I WON!

433
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:11,551
YES, YOU WON JOE LONGO.
CONGRATULATIONS.

434
00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:13,320
YOU JUST SPENT $2,000
TO HAVE ME DO THE JOB

435
00:19:13,353 --> 00:19:14,587
YOU'RE ALREADY PAYING ME TO DO.

436
00:19:14,621 --> 00:19:18,425
NOT EVEN A MOMENT OF JOY
FROM YOU, IS THERE?

437
00:19:18,458 --> 00:19:20,793
COME ON, YOU'RE MAKING ME SMILE.

438
00:19:23,463 --> 00:19:25,164
WELL, THAT EVENING
WENT ABOUT AS WELL

439
00:19:25,198 --> 00:19:27,567
AS AUCTIONING OFF HUMAN
BEINGS USUALLY GOES.

440
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:29,836
I SAID I'M SORRY.
I JUST FELT LIKE

441
00:19:29,869 --> 00:19:31,871
I WASN'T INVOLVED IN ALL
THE SCHOOL STUFF YOU DO.

442
00:19:31,904 --> 00:19:34,441
I THOUGHT I WAS DOING
THE RIGHT THING.

443
00:19:35,742 --> 00:19:38,578
- LENNOX?
- AUNT MEL, I DID IT.

444
00:19:38,611 --> 00:19:40,647
I HAD RYDER HELP ME AND
I FINISHED MY NOVEL.

445
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,515
AND YOU TOLD ME I COULD
DO IT AND I DID IT.

446
00:19:42,549 --> 00:19:44,417
AW, GOOD FOR YOU, SWEETIE.

447
00:19:44,451 --> 00:19:47,354
- NOW GO UPSTAIRS AND GET SOME SLEEP.
- NO NO, I CAN'T.

448
00:19:47,387 --> 00:19:50,557
I GOTTA PROOFREAD THIS.
OTHERWISE SKIMPOLE WILL WIN.

449
00:19:50,590 --> 00:19:53,460
YOU SEE? I TOLD YOU THOSE KIDS NEED
YOU, WHETHER YOU KNOW IT OR NOT.

450
00:19:53,493 --> 00:19:56,296
I MEAN YOU REALLY ARE AN IMPORTANT
INFLUENCE IN THEIR LIVES...

451
00:19:56,329 --> 00:19:59,899
- AS CHILLING AS THAT MAY BE.
- I GUESS I AM.

452
00:19:59,932 --> 00:20:02,168
I MEAN, SO WHAT IF YOU DON'T
PACK ANY OF THEIR LUNCHES

453
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:05,872
OR TAKE THEM TO SCHOOL OR SHOW
UP AT THEIR SPORTING EVENTS

454
00:20:05,905 --> 00:20:08,341
OR VOLUNTEER TO CHAPERONE
ANY OF THEIR SCHOOL TRIPS

455
00:20:08,375 --> 00:20:09,876
LIKE THE ONE COMING UP
TO WASHINGTON D.C.?

456
00:20:09,909 --> 00:20:13,446
I MEAN, YOU REALLY ARE AN
IMPORTANT PART OF THEIR LIVES.

457
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:15,315
THANKS.

458
00:20:15,348 --> 00:20:18,585
THERE'S A FIELD TRIP
TO WASHINGTON D.C.?

459
00:20:18,618 --> 00:20:20,487
YEAH, IT'S BEEN ON THE MASTER
CALENDAR FOR LIKE WEEKS.

460
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:23,790
OH, OKAY. THERE'S A MASTER CALENDAR?

461
00:20:23,823 --> 00:20:25,392
YEAH, IT'S RIGHT HERE.

462
00:20:25,425 --> 00:20:26,859
I KEEP EVERYBODY'S SCHEDULE ON IT.

463
00:20:26,893 --> 00:20:29,829
- SEE, YOU'RE THE BLUE.
- OH. I'M BLUE?

464
00:20:29,862 --> 00:20:33,266
THEN WHAT ARE THESE FIVE BLUE BOXES
IN A ROW WITH THE RED Xs IN THEM?

465
00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:35,268
HEY!

466
00:20:35,302 --> 00:20:37,770
I GOTTA KEEP TRACK
OF THESE THINGS.

467
00:20:37,804 --> 00:20:39,839
IT AFFECTS THE WHOLE HOUSEHOLD.

468
00:20:46,979 --> 00:20:49,982
- OH, JOE...
- DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.

469
00:20:50,016 --> 00:20:52,552
WHAT? I WAS JUST GONNA SAY
THERE'S MUSTARD ON YOUR SHIRT.

470
00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:54,354
WHAT?

471
00:20:54,387 --> 00:20:57,724
WELL, I HEARD BACK FROM MR.
SKIMPOLE

472
00:20:57,757 --> 00:21:00,627
- ABOUT MY NOVEL TODAY.
- OH, ARE YOU OKAY?

473
00:21:00,660 --> 00:21:03,262
DO YOU WANT ME TO GET THE ICE CREAM
NOW SO IT'S SOFT LIKE YOU LIKE IT?

474
00:21:03,296 --> 00:21:05,932
HEY, MEL, BEFORE YOU GO DROWNING
YOUR SORROWS IN ICE CREAM SOUP,

475
00:21:05,965 --> 00:21:08,301
LET'S HEAR ABOUT WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.
GO AHEAD.

476
00:21:08,335 --> 00:21:10,303
OKAY WELL, BECAUSE
I WAS SO TIRED

477
00:21:10,337 --> 00:21:12,305
AND RYDER WAS RUSHING
TO HELP ME FINISH,

478
00:21:12,339 --> 00:21:15,342
WE DIDN'T ACTUALLY GET ALL THE
POST-ITS OUT OF THE MANUSCRIPT

479
00:21:15,375 --> 00:21:17,910
AND SOME PAGES STILL HAD
NOTES WRITTEN IN THE MARGIN.

480
00:21:17,944 --> 00:21:19,579
AW MAN.

481
00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:20,980
MR. SKIMPOLE THOUGHT
THE POST-ITS

482
00:21:21,013 --> 00:21:22,715
WERE A BOLD STYLIST CHOICE.

483
00:21:22,749 --> 00:21:24,851
QUOTE, "THE AUTHOR'S
COMMENTS ON HER OWN WORK

484
00:21:24,884 --> 00:21:27,454
CREATED AN EXCITING
POSTMODERN VIBE."

485
00:21:27,487 --> 00:21:28,655
I GOT AN "A"!

486
00:21:28,688 --> 00:21:30,256
- OH!
- WHOO!

487
00:21:30,289 --> 00:21:32,459
- THAT'S FANTASTIC.
- I KNEW YOU COULD DO IT.

488
00:21:32,492 --> 00:21:36,295
SO, LENNOX, TELL US, WHAT
IS YOUR NOVEL ABOUT?

489
00:21:36,329 --> 00:21:39,566
I DON'T EXPLAIN MY WORK.

490
00:21:39,599 --> 00:21:41,568
I DON'T HAVE A CLUE.

491
00:21:42,735 --> 00:21:44,737
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