1 00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:09,577 "MELISSA & JOEY" IS RECORDED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE. 2 00:00:11,812 --> 00:00:14,048 - HEY. - HEY. 3 00:00:14,082 --> 00:00:16,417 WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP THIS EARLY ON A SUNDAY? 4 00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:19,187 THOSE DON'T LOOK LIKE YOUR 5 00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:21,289 CHURCHGOING P.J.s. 6 00:00:21,322 --> 00:00:24,325 - I'M HAVING BREAKFAST. - THERE'S NOTHING IN FRONT OF YOU. 7 00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:27,061 AND THAT'S WHERE YOU COME IN. 8 00:00:27,095 --> 00:00:28,796 OH OKAY, I SEE. YOU KNOW WHAT? 9 00:00:28,829 --> 00:00:32,100 YOU'RE IN LUCK. YOU CAN HAVE A LITTLE TASTE OF MY MAGIC HEALTH SHAKE. 10 00:00:32,133 --> 00:00:35,536 I TEND TO AVOID ANYTHING THAT HAS THE WORD "HEALTH" IN IT FOR BREAKFAST. 11 00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:38,139 UH-HUH, AND LUNCH. 12 00:00:38,172 --> 00:00:40,141 AND DINNER. 13 00:00:40,174 --> 00:00:42,576 COME ON! A JOE LONGO HEALTH SHAKE HAS GOT ALL THE INGREDIENTS 14 00:00:42,610 --> 00:00:44,212 TO BUILD A STRONG, LEAN... 15 00:00:45,846 --> 00:00:48,316 WELL, THIS. 16 00:00:48,349 --> 00:00:50,818 WELL, IT CERTAINLY SEEMS TO PUMP UP THE EGO. 17 00:00:50,851 --> 00:00:52,320 FINE, I'LL HAVE A HEALTH SHAKE, 18 00:00:52,353 --> 00:00:54,288 BUT CAN YOU BLEND A COUPLE DONUTS IN IT? 19 00:00:54,322 --> 00:00:56,490 ( phone ringing ) 20 00:00:56,524 --> 00:00:57,491 HELLO. 21 00:00:57,525 --> 00:00:59,160 YEAH SURE, HOLD ON. 22 00:00:59,193 --> 00:01:02,330 - SUZANNE HABER FOR YOU. - OH, THAT'S AIDAN'S MOM. 23 00:01:02,363 --> 00:01:04,532 OH YES, AIDAN, RIGHT. 24 00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:06,634 AS FAR AS LENNOX'S BOYFRIENDS GO, 25 00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:09,570 HE'S THE ONE I'VE BEEN LEAST INTERESTED IN STRANGLING. 26 00:01:09,603 --> 00:01:12,106 HI, SUZANNE. I DON'T. 27 00:01:12,140 --> 00:01:14,608 BUT LET ME SEE IF LENNOX KNOWS WHERE HE WENT AFTER HE DROPPED HER OFF. 28 00:01:14,642 --> 00:01:17,645 AIDAN DIDN'T COME HOME LAST NIGHT AND HIS MOM'S WORRIED. 29 00:01:22,550 --> 00:01:24,152 I KNOW, I KNOW. 30 00:01:24,185 --> 00:01:26,387 LOOK, I DO NOT BLAME YOU FOR WORRYING ABOUT AIDAN. 31 00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:29,190 IT'S SO SAD WHEN PARENTS HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEIR KIDS ARE DOING. 32 00:01:29,223 --> 00:01:31,091 IT'S INEXCUSABLE. 33 00:01:34,895 --> 00:01:37,498 DON'T WORRY, AIDAN'S OKAY. 34 00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:40,268 YEAH, NOT FOR LONG. 35 00:01:40,301 --> 00:01:43,404 - ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD - ♪ All good 36 00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:45,273 - ♪ IT'S OKAY - ♪ Okay 37 00:01:45,306 --> 00:01:46,607 - ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT - ♪ All right 38 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,576 ♪ AS FAR AS I CAN SEE 39 00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:50,311 - ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD - ♪ All good 40 00:01:50,344 --> 00:01:52,280 - ♪ IT'S OKAY - ♪ Okay 41 00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:53,681 - ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT - ♪ All right 42 00:01:53,714 --> 00:01:56,550 ♪ I GUESS YOU'RE STUCK ♪ 43 00:01:56,584 --> 00:01:59,353 ♪ WITH ME ♪ 44 00:02:01,189 --> 00:02:02,923 HEH, GOOD MORNING. 45 00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:04,625 ( chuckles ) 46 00:02:04,658 --> 00:02:07,395 OH, DUDE, I SO DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO STRANGLE YOU. 47 00:02:07,428 --> 00:02:08,529 WAIT, NO NO, JOE! 48 00:02:08,562 --> 00:02:11,332 - JOE! - WHERE'S MY SHOES? 49 00:02:11,365 --> 00:02:13,567 DON'T WORRY ABOUT YOUR SHOES. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, RUN! 50 00:02:13,601 --> 00:02:16,637 - JOE, JOE, JOE! - YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE, KID! 51 00:02:16,670 --> 00:02:18,606 I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE. I DROPPED YOU OFF ONCE. 52 00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:20,641 JEEZ! JOE, RELAX. 53 00:02:20,674 --> 00:02:22,176 THERE'S NOTHING TO FREAK OUT ABOUT. 54 00:02:22,210 --> 00:02:26,547 LENNOX, LENNOX, A YOUNG MAN JUST SPENT HIS LAST NIGHT ALIVE IN YOUR BED. 55 00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:29,283 I WOULD SAY THAT'S A LITTLE SOMETHING. 56 00:02:29,317 --> 00:02:33,621 JOE, CALM DOWN, OKAY? YOUR FACE HAS REACHED THREAT LEVEL ORANGE. 57 00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:36,690 AND RIGHT NOW IT'S TIME FOR A LITTLE PRIVATE TALK WITH LENNOX. 58 00:02:36,724 --> 00:02:38,359 AGREED. START TALKING. 59 00:02:38,392 --> 00:02:39,293 UM, JOE, OKAY, 60 00:02:39,327 --> 00:02:43,331 THIS IS GOING TO BE HARDCORE GIRL TALK. 61 00:02:43,364 --> 00:02:47,735 THERE MAY BE CRYING. AND LADY-PARTS WILL BE DISCUSSED IN GREAT DETAIL. 62 00:02:47,768 --> 00:02:50,204 - SO? - YEAH, UM, 63 00:02:50,238 --> 00:02:53,274 LADY-PARTS YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF. 64 00:02:54,475 --> 00:02:55,643 FINE, I'M GONNA GO. 65 00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:01,482 SO, LENNOX. 66 00:03:01,515 --> 00:03:05,219 ( chuckles ) LOOK, I'M NO ENCYCLOPEDIA BROWN. 67 00:03:05,253 --> 00:03:07,187 WHAT'S AN ENCYCLOPEDIA? 68 00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:11,725 UH, WELL, IT'S LIKE WIKIPEDIA, BUT WITH FACTS. 69 00:03:11,759 --> 00:03:16,364 ANYWAY, IT... WELL, IT LOOKS... IT LOOKS LIKE, UH... 70 00:03:16,397 --> 00:03:18,299 YOU KNOW, YOU SLEPT WITH AIDAN. 71 00:03:18,332 --> 00:03:20,368 YEAH, I'VE SLEPT WITH AIDAN. 72 00:03:20,401 --> 00:03:22,636 MM-HMM? MM-HMM. 73 00:03:22,670 --> 00:03:24,472 NO, JUST SLEPT! 74 00:03:24,505 --> 00:03:27,241 WE WERE WATCHING A MOVIE AND WE FELL ASLEEP. 75 00:03:27,275 --> 00:03:30,378 - NO SEX. - OH, THANK GOODNESS. 76 00:03:30,411 --> 00:03:33,281 ( laughs ) OH, WHAT A RELIEF. 77 00:03:33,314 --> 00:03:36,284 - WAIT, I THOUGHT YOU LIKED AIDAN. - I DO, I DO. 78 00:03:36,317 --> 00:03:39,320 YOU KNOW, IT'S A RELIEF TO NOT WALK IN ON YOU HAVING SEX. 79 00:03:39,353 --> 00:03:43,257 YOU KNOW, SEX, WHICH IS TOTALLY NATURAL AND NORMAL FOR YOUNG PEOPLE TO HAVE, 80 00:03:43,291 --> 00:03:45,793 PROVIDED, LIKE I ALWAYS SAY, IT'S WITH SOMEONE YOU LOVE 81 00:03:45,826 --> 00:03:47,695 A SPECIAL GUY WHO TREATS YOU RIGHT. 82 00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:51,532 I KNOW, I KNOW, AND ALWAYS USE PROTECTION. 83 00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:54,668 WE'VE HAD THIS INFORMATIVE CONVERSATION LIKE 1,000 TIMES. 84 00:03:54,702 --> 00:03:56,804 WELL, AND AS I'VE SAID 1,000 TIMES, 85 00:03:56,837 --> 00:03:58,806 THERE'S NOTHING INHERENTLY WRONG WITH HAVING SEX, 86 00:03:58,839 --> 00:04:01,375 IT'S JUST NOT SOMETHING THAT SHOULD BE TAKEN LIGHTLY. 87 00:04:01,409 --> 00:04:04,044 YOU KNOW, IT SHOULD BE A SPECIAL MEANINGFUL EXPERIENCE, 88 00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:07,415 AN EXPERIENCE UPON WHICH ALL YOUR FUTURE RELATIONSHIPS WILL BE BASED. 89 00:04:07,448 --> 00:04:09,283 A FOUNDATION, AS IT WERE. 90 00:04:09,317 --> 00:04:10,818 ( snoring ) 91 00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:14,054 "THANKS, AUNT MEL. YOU'RE THE BEST." 92 00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:15,689 AW, SWEETIE, 93 00:04:15,723 --> 00:04:17,491 ANYTIME. 94 00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:38,746 - READY? - READY. 95 00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:43,617 - OH OH! - WHOA, WHAT? IS MY KISSING THAT BAD? 96 00:04:43,651 --> 00:04:46,720 I SWEAR I'VE BEEN PRACTICING WITH THAT PILLOW YOU GAVE ME. 97 00:04:46,754 --> 00:04:48,856 OH NO NO NO. YOUR KISSING HAS IMPROVED. 98 00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:51,759 IT JUST, UM... IT'S YOUR FACIAL HAIR. 99 00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:54,595 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? IT'S LIKE... 100 00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:56,630 IT'S LIKE THREE HAIRS. 101 00:04:56,664 --> 00:04:59,433 RYDER, YOU'VE GOT TO... NO. 102 00:04:59,467 --> 00:05:01,469 - ( snaps ) - ( whimpers ) 103 00:05:01,502 --> 00:05:04,104 - WHAT WAS THAT? - MY THERAPIST AND I 104 00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:05,873 HAVE BEEN WORKING ON GETTING RID OF... 105 00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:08,776 BOSSY HOLLY AND I'M SUPPOSED TO DO THIS... 106 00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:11,379 ( whimpers ) ...EVERY TIME I CATCH MYSELF 107 00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:13,547 THINKING CONTROLLING THOUGHTS. 108 00:05:13,581 --> 00:05:15,849 THAT'S GREAT, HOLLY. I'M PROUD OF YOU. 109 00:05:18,552 --> 00:05:20,421 WHAT WAS THAT? 110 00:05:20,454 --> 00:05:23,391 I WAS THINKING CONTROLLING THOUGHTS. 111 00:05:23,424 --> 00:05:24,792 ABOUT WHAT? 112 00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:27,428 SQUEAKY MOUSE, 113 00:05:27,461 --> 00:05:30,764 UM, IF YOU WANTED TO SHAVE 114 00:05:30,798 --> 00:05:33,834 I WOULDN'T BE AGAINST IT. 115 00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:36,404 OH. UM... 116 00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:39,607 I GUESS I COULD. I'VE JUST NEVER DONE IT BEFORE 117 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:42,843 AND MY DAD'S NOT AROUND SO I WAS KINDA HOPING I COULD GET JOE TO TEACH ME. 118 00:05:42,876 --> 00:05:45,413 JOE? NO, I'LL TEACH YOU. 119 00:05:45,446 --> 00:05:47,448 I MEAN... 120 00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:50,518 IF YOU WANT ME TO HELP YOU, 121 00:05:50,551 --> 00:05:51,952 I'M HAPPY TO. 122 00:05:53,421 --> 00:05:55,789 - HOLLY, WOULD YOU PLEASE HELP... - YES, I WILL! 123 00:05:56,790 --> 00:05:58,592 OH, OW. 124 00:05:58,626 --> 00:06:00,894 IT'S LIKE KISSING A CACTUS. 125 00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:06,834 HEY. 126 00:06:08,736 --> 00:06:10,871 I JUST HAD THE STRANGEST FEELING OF "DEJA JOE." 127 00:06:11,972 --> 00:06:13,674 DIDN'T YOU ALREADY GO FOR A RUN? 128 00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:16,710 I WASN'T RUNNING. THIS TIME I WAS CHASING. 129 00:06:18,579 --> 00:06:20,748 AIDEN DITCHED ME. HE TOOK THE COWARD'S WAY OUT 130 00:06:20,781 --> 00:06:22,450 AND HID IN A CHURCH. 131 00:06:22,483 --> 00:06:24,485 NEED TO BURN OFF SOME RAGE, 132 00:06:24,518 --> 00:06:26,520 SO I DID 1,000 SQUATS 133 00:06:26,554 --> 00:06:28,956 AND, UH, LIFTED A CAR. 134 00:06:28,989 --> 00:06:31,792 AWW, JUST LIKE BABY SUPERMAN. 135 00:06:31,825 --> 00:06:33,861 I'M ACTUALLY THINKING ABOUT THIS, THOUGH. 136 00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:35,963 IT'S ALMOST BETTER THAT I DIDN'T CATCH HIM. 137 00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:39,600 NOW I HAVE THE PSYCHOLOGICAL ADVANTAGE. HE DOESN'T KNOW WHEN I'M COMING. 138 00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:43,837 I COULD, UH, POP OUT FROM BEHIND A BUSH OR FROM UP UNDER A BENCH. 139 00:06:43,871 --> 00:06:45,839 OR REACH UP FROM OUT OF A TOILET. 140 00:06:45,873 --> 00:06:47,875 IF I HAVE TO, YEAH. 141 00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:52,913 LOOK, THE POINT IS, FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN IS SCARIER THAN ANYTHING. 142 00:06:52,946 --> 00:06:54,582 YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT ABOUT THIS. SPEAKING OF WHICH, 143 00:06:54,615 --> 00:06:57,651 I HOPE WHEN YOU HAD YOUR LITTLE CHAT WITH LENNOX, YOU PUT THE FEAR OF GOD IN HER. 144 00:06:57,685 --> 00:06:59,920 OR BETTER YET, THE FEAR OF JOE. 145 00:06:59,953 --> 00:07:02,923 UH, YEAH. I WASN'T GOING FOR FEAR. 146 00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:06,527 AND ANYWAY, LENNOX TOLD ME SHE AND AIDEN DIDN'T DO ANYTHING... 147 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:09,630 NO SEX AT ALL. NADA. NINGUNO SEXO. 148 00:07:11,031 --> 00:07:12,966 I'M GONNA BELIEVE THAT, 149 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:16,003 BECAUSE, UM, I JUST REALLY NEED TO BELIEVE THAT. 150 00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:18,739 I MEAN, LENNOX AND I HAD AN OPEN, HONEST DISCUSSION. 151 00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:21,909 I TOLD HER THAT SEX IS A NORMAL, HEALTHY PART OF LIFE. 152 00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:23,711 OKAY, THAT'S JUST SICK. 153 00:07:25,546 --> 00:07:28,015 SEE? THAT THERE IS WHY WE DIDN'T INCLUDE YOU IN THE DISCUSSION. 154 00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:30,017 HEY, AUNT MEL, JOE. 155 00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:33,787 LISTEN, AUNT MEL, I'M REALLY GLAD WE HAD THAT TALK THIS MORNING 156 00:07:33,821 --> 00:07:36,557 ABOUT SEX AND BOYS 157 00:07:36,590 --> 00:07:37,858 AND THAT YOU WERE SO UNDERSTANDING. 158 00:07:41,929 --> 00:07:43,931 UH, LOOK, IF I COULD JUST POINT OUT... 159 00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:45,966 UH, HEH, 160 00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:48,769 HERE'S WHAT I'M... LOOK, THE POINT IS... 161 00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:50,504 THERE IS NO WAY... 162 00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:54,675 I'M GONNA GO FOR A RUN. 163 00:07:56,777 --> 00:07:58,245 HE MEANS WELL. WELL, NOT REALLY, 164 00:07:58,278 --> 00:08:00,047 BUT HE LIVES HERE AND WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? 165 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:03,050 SO I'VE GIVEN WHAT YOU SAID A LOT OF THOUGHT. 166 00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:05,986 - EXCELLENT. - I DO LOVE AIDEN. 167 00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:08,055 - MM-HMM. - I THINK HE'S SPECIAL 168 00:08:08,088 --> 00:08:09,857 - AND HE TREATS ME RIGHT. - MM-HMM. 169 00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:13,060 SO I'M GOING TO TAKE YOUR ADVICE AND HAVE SEX WITH HIM. 170 00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:15,028 MM-HMM. 171 00:08:17,565 --> 00:08:18,966 I'M GONNA GO FOR A RUN. 172 00:08:29,710 --> 00:08:31,311 OKAY, SO CHECK IT: 173 00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:32,913 I'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH SOME STUFF, 174 00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:34,715 YOU KNOW, BURNING OFF A LITTLE RAGE 175 00:08:34,748 --> 00:08:37,718 AND ABOUT, LIKE, SIX LBS. 176 00:08:37,751 --> 00:08:40,954 ANYWAY, WHATEVER CRAZY CRAP YOU TOLD LENNOX, 177 00:08:40,988 --> 00:08:43,724 THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS SHE IS NOT HAVING SEX. 178 00:08:43,757 --> 00:08:44,758 RIGHT. 179 00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:48,061 YET. 180 00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:52,966 - WHAT? - UH, LENNOX TOLD ME 181 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:56,003 SHE IS GONNA HAVE SEX WITH AIDEN THIS WEEKEND. 182 00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:01,074 THAT'S GOOD. 183 00:09:03,677 --> 00:09:05,913 WHAT ELSE DID YOU SHARE WITH HER IN THIS HORMONAL PEP TALK YOU HAD? 184 00:09:05,946 --> 00:09:08,716 WELL, I TOLD HER SEX IS SOMETHING SPECIAL, MEANINGFUL... 185 00:09:08,749 --> 00:09:10,584 IT SHOULD BE DONE WITH SOMEONE YOU LOVE. 186 00:09:10,618 --> 00:09:12,119 DAMN! SHE USED MY OWN COOLNESS AGAINST ME. 187 00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:14,588 I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS, BURKE. 188 00:09:14,622 --> 00:09:17,725 YOU JUST GAVE HER PERMISSION. YOU PRACTICALLY DROVE HER TO A CHEAP MOTEL, 189 00:09:17,758 --> 00:09:19,793 CHECKED HER IN AND PUT ON THE "WACKA WACKA" MUSIC. 190 00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:22,663 I REMEMBER MY FIRST TIME. 191 00:09:22,696 --> 00:09:24,765 IT WAS AWFUL. I WAS 16. 192 00:09:24,798 --> 00:09:26,867 IT WASN'T THE RIGHT GUY, IT WASN'T THE RIGHT PLACE 193 00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:28,869 AND IT WASN'T FOR THE RIGHT REASONS. 194 00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:30,904 I'M GUESSING IT WASN'T WHEN YOU WERE 16. 195 00:09:32,706 --> 00:09:34,107 - I LOOKED 16. - OH MY GOD. 196 00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:38,746 WILL YOU JUST PLEASE LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES THEN AND STOP THIS? 197 00:09:38,779 --> 00:09:41,882 THERE IS NO STOPPING THIS. SOMEBODY'S GOT TO BE HER FIRST. 198 00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:43,884 AIDEN'S SWEET. 199 00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:45,786 HE'S PRESIDENT OF THE STUDENT COUNCIL. 200 00:09:45,819 --> 00:09:46,687 HE'S AN EXCELLENT SOCCER PLAYER. 201 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:48,756 IS HE A GREAT SOCCER PLAYER? THAT'S GREAT? 202 00:09:48,789 --> 00:09:51,892 MAYBE WE COULD JUST CHEER HIM ON THEN AND PERHAPS SHOUT "GOAL." 203 00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:55,796 I'M JUST SAYING AT LEAST IT'S SOMEONE LIKE AIDEN 204 00:09:55,829 --> 00:09:59,032 INSTEAD OF SOME GUY NAMED TODD WHO INSTALLS CAR SPEAKERS. 205 00:09:59,066 --> 00:10:01,735 FOR EXAMPLE. 206 00:10:01,769 --> 00:10:03,904 THE POINT IS, WE'RE LUCKY. 207 00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:06,774 I THINK AIDEN IS THE ONE GETTING LUCKY. 208 00:10:06,807 --> 00:10:08,408 YEAH, WELL, IT'S HAPPENING THIS WEEKEND, 209 00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:10,177 SO YOU'D BETTER MAKE YOUR PEACE WITH IT. 210 00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:13,781 NO ONE'S GONNA GET ANY PEACE. 211 00:10:13,814 --> 00:10:15,849 OF ANYTHING. 212 00:10:19,987 --> 00:10:23,156 HEY, HOLLY. I'VE GOT EVERYTHING READY FOR MOVIE NIGHT. 213 00:10:23,190 --> 00:10:27,060 OUR TRADITIONAL SATURDAY NIGHT POPCORN... AIR POPPED, NO BUTTER, NO SALT. 214 00:10:27,094 --> 00:10:29,129 DECAF ICE TEA, EASY ICE, SPRIG OF FRESH MINT 215 00:10:29,162 --> 00:10:31,765 AND TWO AND HALF TWIZZLERS EACH. 216 00:10:31,799 --> 00:10:35,969 PERFECT, BUT FIRST WE HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF ONE IMPORTANT THING. 217 00:10:36,003 --> 00:10:36,937 OH. NO, DON'T WORRY. 218 00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:39,406 I ALREADY USED ANTIPERSPIRANT ON MY HANDS. 219 00:10:39,439 --> 00:10:40,874 THEY'LL BE DRY FOR HOURS. 220 00:10:40,908 --> 00:10:43,076 NO, YOU FORGOT ABOUT THE... 221 00:10:44,945 --> 00:10:47,147 WHAT? JUST SPIT IT OUT ALREADY. 222 00:10:47,180 --> 00:10:49,149 YOU FORGOT ABOUT SHAVING YOUR FACE. 223 00:10:49,182 --> 00:10:51,952 RYDER, I BROUGHT ALL THE SUPPLIES. TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT. 224 00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:54,087 I DON'T KNOW. 225 00:10:54,121 --> 00:10:57,424 I PROMISE, SQUEAKY MOUSE, YOU'VE GOT NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. 226 00:10:57,457 --> 00:10:59,459 I HAVE YEARS OF EXPERIENCE. 227 00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:02,062 - YOU DO? - MM-HMM. 228 00:11:04,798 --> 00:11:06,967 SEE? SILKY SMOOTH. 229 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,002 YOU MAY STROKE UP TO MID-CALF. 230 00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:14,775 - KNEE. - UP TO, BUT NOT INCLUDING THE PATELLA. 231 00:11:19,112 --> 00:11:20,180 OH, LET'S DO THIS. 232 00:11:22,950 --> 00:11:25,853 JOE, JOE, YOU WILL NEVER GUESS 233 00:11:25,886 --> 00:11:27,721 WHAT SOMEONE PUT IN THEIR GARBAGE. 234 00:11:27,755 --> 00:11:30,891 IT'S TRUE. ONE MAN'S TRASH IS ANOTHER MAN'S... 235 00:11:30,924 --> 00:11:32,893 GUESTS. 236 00:11:32,926 --> 00:11:35,729 MEL, HAVE YOU MET AIDEN'S PARENTS? 237 00:11:35,763 --> 00:11:36,997 THIS IS, UH, SUZANNE AND MORT. 238 00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:39,132 NOT IN PERSON. HELLO THERE, MEL. 239 00:11:39,166 --> 00:11:42,002 IT'S SO NICE TO MEET YOU. SO NICE. 240 00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,471 YEAH, IT WASN'T ACTUALLY IN THE GARBAGE. 241 00:11:44,504 --> 00:11:46,273 IT WAS JUST NEXT TO IT. 242 00:11:46,306 --> 00:11:48,275 WELL, THIS IS A SURPRISE. 243 00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:50,878 YEAH, I THOUGHT IT'D BE NICE TO INVITE 'EM OVER TO TALK ABOUT, 244 00:11:50,911 --> 00:11:52,913 WHAT THE KIDS ARE PLANNING ON DOING THIS EVENING. 245 00:11:52,946 --> 00:11:55,949 I THOUGHT THAT SUZANNE AND MORT MIGHT HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT IT, 246 00:11:55,983 --> 00:11:58,752 SEEING AS HOW THEY'RE THE ACTUAL PARENTS OF ONE OF THE TEENS 247 00:11:58,786 --> 00:12:00,788 - YOU'VE GIVEN PERMISSION TO HAVE SEX. - WHAT?! 248 00:12:00,821 --> 00:12:02,923 PERMISSION? NO, I AM SO SORRY JOE DRAGGED YOU INTO THIS. 249 00:12:02,956 --> 00:12:05,125 NO APOLOGIES NEEDED. 250 00:12:05,158 --> 00:12:07,160 WE ARE ALL ABOUT COMMUNICATION. 251 00:12:08,829 --> 00:12:10,497 I'M A COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPIST. 252 00:12:10,530 --> 00:12:14,802 - AND I'M A PSYCHOLOGIST. - EH? A COUPLE OF HEADSHRINKERS. 253 00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:16,804 EH, GO FREUD. 254 00:12:17,838 --> 00:12:20,007 WE REALLY BELIEVE THAT COMMUNICATION 255 00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:22,142 AND CONNECTION ARE ESSENTIAL 256 00:12:22,175 --> 00:12:25,913 - TO SUCCESSFUL CHILD-REARING. - CRUCIAL. 257 00:12:25,946 --> 00:12:29,917 AND WE LOVE THE IDEA OF A PARENT-TO-PARENT DIALOG. 258 00:12:29,950 --> 00:12:32,786 YES, WELL, UM... 259 00:12:32,820 --> 00:12:35,956 THANKS FOR COMING OVER. 260 00:12:38,025 --> 00:12:40,193 IF WE COULD JUST GET BACK TO THE SUBJECT AT HAND... 261 00:12:40,227 --> 00:12:43,530 YOU KNOW, THIS ALLEGED POTENTIAL... 262 00:12:43,563 --> 00:12:45,833 THING 263 00:12:45,866 --> 00:12:48,068 THAT THE KIDS ARE PLANNING FOR THIS EVENING. 264 00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:51,338 OF COURSE, BUT FIRST... AND LET US UNDERLINE THIS, 265 00:12:51,371 --> 00:12:54,808 - WE LOVE LENNOX. - ADORE HER. 266 00:12:54,842 --> 00:12:58,345 AND WE ARE DELIGHTED THAT SHE WILL BE AIDEN'S FIRST SEX PARTNER. 267 00:12:58,378 --> 00:13:01,048 GOOD GOOD. WHAT? 268 00:13:01,081 --> 00:13:02,649 WOW. 269 00:13:02,682 --> 00:13:06,019 WE'VE ALWAYS TOLD AIDEN THAT HE SHOULD TREAT HIS BODY WITH CARE AND RESPECT. 270 00:13:06,053 --> 00:13:07,955 AND WE HAVE THE UTMOST CONFIDENCE 271 00:13:07,988 --> 00:13:10,257 IN LENNOX'S COMPATIBILITY WITH AIDEN AS A LOVER. 272 00:13:11,391 --> 00:13:14,094 ARE YOU GUYS KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW? 273 00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:15,963 YOU'RE BOTH NUTS, DO YOU KNOW THAT? 274 00:13:15,996 --> 00:13:18,298 WHEN MY FOLKS FOUND OUT MY SISTER WAS HAVING SEX, 275 00:13:18,331 --> 00:13:20,267 THE CONVERSATION BEGAN WITH "WHEN'S THE WEDDING?" 276 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,069 AND ENDED WITH... ( mimics shotgun cocking ) 277 00:13:25,005 --> 00:13:27,975 UM, HI. WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? 278 00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:31,879 - IT'S NOT ABOUT WHAT WE'RE DOING. - IT'S ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE DOING. 279 00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:41,154 NOW SEE? THAT'S PERMISSION. 280 00:13:52,900 --> 00:13:54,267 SO THIS IS IT, HUH? 281 00:13:54,301 --> 00:13:56,303 WE'RE JUST GONNA BE STANDING DOWN HERE 282 00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:58,939 WHILE THEY'RE UP THERE POTENTIALLY... 283 00:13:58,972 --> 00:14:01,641 HAVING S-S-S... 284 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:04,277 IT'S LIKE WATCHING ADULT MOVIE FROM OUTSIDE THE THEATER. 285 00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:07,948 WHAT ELSE CAN WE DO? 286 00:14:07,981 --> 00:14:09,917 WE'RE GONNA STOP 'EM, THAT'S WHAT. 287 00:14:09,950 --> 00:14:11,919 NO NO NO, JOE, YOU CAN'T. 288 00:14:11,952 --> 00:14:13,954 LOOK, DID YOUR PARENTS EVER SAY ANYTHING 289 00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:16,189 THAT STOPPED YOU FROM DOING SOMETHING YOU REALLY WANTED TO DO? 290 00:14:16,223 --> 00:14:19,326 BUT, MEL... 291 00:14:21,661 --> 00:14:23,196 I HATE THIS. 292 00:14:25,232 --> 00:14:27,200 DID I JUST HEAR A BED SQUEAK? 293 00:14:28,969 --> 00:14:31,038 - I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE. - JOE. 294 00:14:31,071 --> 00:14:33,073 JOE, HOLD ON. 295 00:14:33,106 --> 00:14:34,908 HOW FAR ARE YOU GOING? 296 00:14:34,942 --> 00:14:37,110 I WAS THINKING, LIKE, UM, MICHIGAN. 297 00:14:37,144 --> 00:14:39,646 WE CAN'T. WE HAVE TO BE HERE 298 00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:42,249 - IN CASE THEY NEED US. - NEED US? FOR WHAT, HUH? 299 00:14:42,282 --> 00:14:44,317 HELPFUL TIPS? SOME ENERGY BARS? 300 00:14:44,351 --> 00:14:45,986 - SIT. - NO. 301 00:14:46,019 --> 00:14:47,420 - SIT. - NO. 302 00:14:47,454 --> 00:14:49,456 ALL RIGHT, FINE. I'LL SIT. 303 00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:52,325 YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA STAY, BUT I'M GONNA STAND. 304 00:14:52,359 --> 00:14:54,461 FINE. BE AS UNCOMFORTABLE AS YOU WANT. 305 00:14:54,494 --> 00:14:56,997 I DON'T... I DON'T THINK 306 00:14:57,030 --> 00:14:58,698 I COULD BE ANY MORE UNCOMFORTABLE, BURKE. 307 00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:01,969 I THINK YOU'LL FEEL A LITTLE BETTER ONCE YOU'VE HAD SOME MEDICINE. 308 00:15:02,002 --> 00:15:04,504 - MEDICINE? - YEAH, RED OR WHITE? 309 00:15:10,177 --> 00:15:14,247 THERE YOU GO. THIS IS GOING TO MAKE YOUR FACE SOFT AND SMOOTH. 310 00:15:19,219 --> 00:15:22,956 WHA... YOU'RE GONNA SHAVE MY FACE WITH THAT LADY RAZOR? 311 00:15:22,990 --> 00:15:24,992 UH-HUH. 312 00:15:25,025 --> 00:15:27,027 NOW TILT YOUR HEAD BACK. 313 00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:30,130 ( hyperventilating ) 314 00:15:30,163 --> 00:15:33,033 - RYDER, RELAX. - SORRY. 315 00:15:33,066 --> 00:15:36,103 SORRY, I CAN'T HELP IT. IT'S LIKE YOU'RE HOLDING A LITTLE PINK BUTCHER KNIFE. 316 00:15:36,136 --> 00:15:38,005 OKAY, ON THREE. READY? 317 00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:41,308 - ONE, TWO... - AUGH! 318 00:15:41,341 --> 00:15:43,276 ...THREE. 319 00:15:45,178 --> 00:15:48,048 OKAY, HERE WE GO. 320 00:15:48,081 --> 00:15:51,284 YUP. YUP YUP. 321 00:15:58,091 --> 00:15:59,993 - THIS IS ALL GOOD. - YEAH. 322 00:16:00,027 --> 00:16:02,062 THERE'S NOTHING NOT GOOD ABOUT IT. 323 00:16:07,334 --> 00:16:09,502 - ( thuds ) - OH! 324 00:16:09,536 --> 00:16:12,739 SORRY. SORRY. I'M REALLY SORRY. 325 00:16:12,772 --> 00:16:15,442 I'M OKAY. I'M OKAY. 326 00:16:19,779 --> 00:16:22,315 AM I CRUSHING YOUR LEG? 327 00:16:22,349 --> 00:16:24,384 - NO. - GOOD. 328 00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:29,456 MMM... OW OW. CRUSHING SOMETHING ELSE. 329 00:16:33,126 --> 00:16:36,029 I GOTTA TELL YOU, BURKE, YOU'VE REALLY SHOWN INCREDIBLE RESTRAINT 330 00:16:36,063 --> 00:16:37,164 AND STRENGTH DURING THIS WHOLE SITUATION. 331 00:16:37,197 --> 00:16:39,199 - REALLY? - YEAH. 332 00:16:39,232 --> 00:16:42,035 YOU KNOW, FOR NOT BEING AN ACTUAL PARENT, 333 00:16:42,069 --> 00:16:44,304 YOU'RE ACTUALLY... YOU'RE A PRETTY GOOD ONE. 334 00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:47,807 I GUESS I AM GETTING THE HANG OF IT. 335 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:50,043 - ( chuckles ) - AND YOU... 336 00:16:50,077 --> 00:16:53,546 - YOU DID NOT KILL ANYBODY. - ( both chuckle ) 337 00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:55,215 THANK YOU FOR NOTICING. 338 00:16:57,250 --> 00:16:59,486 HOW YOU DOING ON THE MEDS? 339 00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:01,188 DOSE ME. 340 00:17:01,221 --> 00:17:03,156 STAT. 341 00:17:03,823 --> 00:17:05,825 THIS ISN'T WORKING, IS IT? 342 00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:07,560 NOT REALLY. 343 00:17:07,594 --> 00:17:09,429 IT'S WEIRD. 344 00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:11,464 YOU CAN HEAR THEM WATCHING US 345 00:17:11,498 --> 00:17:15,368 AND WAITING AND CONDONING OUR BEHAVIOR. 346 00:17:15,402 --> 00:17:18,405 I FEEL LIKE WE'RE THE LAST TWO ZOO PANDAS. 347 00:17:19,472 --> 00:17:21,508 I'M SORRY. 348 00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:24,411 I JUST DON'T REALLY WANT TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW. 349 00:17:24,444 --> 00:17:26,846 I KNOW. ALL THIS ACCEPTANCE 350 00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:29,316 IS MAKING ME FEEL SO DIRTY. 351 00:17:29,349 --> 00:17:32,152 I SHOULD GO HOME. 352 00:17:35,655 --> 00:17:38,591 WAIT! NO, IF MY AUNT SEES YOU LEAVE, 353 00:17:38,625 --> 00:17:41,494 THERE WILL BE ALL KINDS OF QUESTIONS, POSSIBLY A SURVEY. 354 00:17:41,528 --> 00:17:44,097 JUST SNEAK OUT THE WINDOW. 355 00:17:44,131 --> 00:17:46,133 YEAH, TRUST ME. IT'LL BE EASIER THAT WAY. 356 00:17:49,269 --> 00:17:50,870 IT'S KIND OF A LONG WAY DOWN. 357 00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:55,242 YOU'D RATHER HAVE AN AWKWARD CONVERSATION WITH MY AUNT? 358 00:17:55,275 --> 00:17:57,210 SEE YA. 359 00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:05,118 HEY, IT'S LENNOX. 360 00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:06,586 HOW WAS THE... 361 00:18:06,619 --> 00:18:08,521 HOW DID YOU... 362 00:18:08,555 --> 00:18:11,324 HEY, IT'S LENNOX. 363 00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:15,128 NOTHING HAPPENED. 364 00:18:15,162 --> 00:18:16,863 YEAH, MY FIRST TIME WAS LIKE THAT TOO. 365 00:18:16,896 --> 00:18:19,266 DON'T WORRY. IT GETS BETTER. 366 00:18:19,299 --> 00:18:22,335 NO, I MEAN, LITERALLY NOTHING HAPPENED. 367 00:18:22,369 --> 00:18:25,205 ALL WE DID WAS KISS. AIDEN WENT HOME HOURS AGO. 368 00:18:25,238 --> 00:18:27,307 WHAT? WHY? 369 00:18:27,340 --> 00:18:30,243 I DON'T KNOW. I MEAN, HAVING ALL THESE ADULTS AND PARENTS KNOW 370 00:18:30,277 --> 00:18:32,179 AND EVERYTHING WAS KIND OF A MOOD-KILLER. 371 00:18:32,212 --> 00:18:35,648 OH, I'M SORRY IF I WAS TOO... 372 00:18:35,682 --> 00:18:38,685 INTRUSIVE? NOSEY? 373 00:18:38,718 --> 00:18:40,453 I WAS GONNA SAY LOVING. 374 00:18:41,721 --> 00:18:43,323 LOOK, I KNOW I CAN'T LOCK YOU UP IN A TOWER... 375 00:18:43,356 --> 00:18:46,159 JOE'S LOOKED INTO IT. 376 00:18:46,193 --> 00:18:48,328 I JUST WANNA KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON BECAUSE I CARE. 377 00:18:48,361 --> 00:18:52,265 I DIDN'T WANT THIS EXPERIENCE TO BE A BAD MEMORY SOME DAY. 378 00:18:52,299 --> 00:18:55,235 OR IN NINE MONTHS. 379 00:18:55,268 --> 00:18:57,504 SORRY IF I WAS UNCOOL. 380 00:18:57,537 --> 00:19:00,707 NO, IT'S NOT UNCOOL. IT'S LOVING. 381 00:19:00,740 --> 00:19:03,210 - MMM! - ( chuckles ) 382 00:19:06,946 --> 00:19:09,449 - JOE. - WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED? 383 00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:11,484 NOTHING. 384 00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:13,320 NOTHING? 385 00:19:13,353 --> 00:19:15,188 NOTHING. 386 00:19:15,222 --> 00:19:18,225 APPARENTLY OUR UNDERSTANDING AND LOVING PRESENCE 387 00:19:18,258 --> 00:19:19,592 KILLED THE MOOD. 388 00:19:19,626 --> 00:19:22,562 THEY DIDN'T DO IT. 389 00:19:22,595 --> 00:19:25,465 ♪ THEY DIDN'T DO IT, OH, THEY DIDN'T DO IT ♪ 390 00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:27,334 ♪ OH, THEY DIDN'T DO IT. 391 00:19:27,367 --> 00:19:30,237 THIS IS AWESOME. THIS CALLS FOR A CELEBRATION. YOU KNOW WHAT? 392 00:19:30,270 --> 00:19:32,339 I AM BREAKING OUT THE GOOD MEDS. 393 00:19:32,372 --> 00:19:35,308 - UH-OH. - WHAT? 394 00:19:35,342 --> 00:19:38,578 - OH, THIS IS BAD. - NO NO NO NO NO. 395 00:19:38,611 --> 00:19:40,213 THIS IS... THIS IS... THIS IS GOOD. 396 00:19:40,247 --> 00:19:42,449 THIS IS GOOD. WE WERE AT BAD. NOW WE'RE AT GOOD. 397 00:19:42,482 --> 00:19:45,485 - I LIKE GOOD. - NOW WE DON'T KNOW WHEN IT'S GONNA HAPPEN, 398 00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:47,520 OR WITH WHO! 399 00:19:47,554 --> 00:19:50,490 IT COULD BE SOME DIRTBAG BASS PLAYER IN AN OLD CAMPER SHELL. 400 00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:53,260 - IT'S LIKE YOU SAID... - FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN? 401 00:19:53,293 --> 00:19:55,262 MMM! FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN. 402 00:19:56,796 --> 00:19:58,631 I'M GONNA BE DOING A LOT OF RUNNING. 403 00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:08,775 - YOU JUST, UH, SHAVE? - YEAH. 404 00:20:08,808 --> 00:20:11,678 - FIRST TIME? - YEAH. 405 00:20:12,812 --> 00:20:15,248 AW, MY LITTLE NEPHEW'S GROWING UP. 406 00:20:15,282 --> 00:20:18,251 ( sniffs ) WHAT'S THAT AFTERSHAVE YOU HAVE ON? 407 00:20:18,285 --> 00:20:20,753 YOUR FACE SMELLS LIKE STRAWBERRIES AND JASMINE. 408 00:20:20,787 --> 00:20:23,323 SO DOES HOLLY'S. 409 00:20:23,356 --> 00:20:26,293 HEYYY! 410 00:20:26,326 --> 00:20:28,361 - DOUBLE STANDARD? - YOU KNOW IT, BABY. 411 00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:35,368 WE JUST THINK THE KIDS SHOULD HAVE ANOTHER GO AT IT. 412 00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:40,440 WE SENSE THEY MIGHT HAVE FELT BLOCKED. 413 00:20:40,473 --> 00:20:43,543 BLOCKED. YEAH, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS GOING FOR. 414 00:20:43,576 --> 00:20:45,712 WELL, I THINK AFTER A MISFIRE LIKE THAT, 415 00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:47,714 IT'S GOOD TO GET RIGHT BACK UP ON THE HORSE. 416 00:20:47,747 --> 00:20:49,716 SEXUALLY SPEAKING. 417 00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:54,687 UH, SO YOU'RE CALLING MY NIECE A HORSE? 418 00:20:54,721 --> 00:20:57,557 JOE, THEY'RE ALL YOURS. 419 00:20:57,590 --> 00:20:59,726 WHY THANK YOU, MEL. 420 00:20:59,759 --> 00:21:02,795 UH, LISTEN, I THINK THAT YOU TWO SHOULD PROBABLY BE LEAVING 421 00:21:02,829 --> 00:21:05,698 BEFORE I DO SOMETHING TO YOU... 422 00:21:06,733 --> 00:21:08,868 THAT, UH, LANDS ME IN JAIL. 423 00:21:12,705 --> 00:21:14,674 I AGREE.