1 00:00:06,674 --> 00:00:09,543 "MELISSA & JOEY" IS RECORDED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE. 2 00:00:09,577 --> 00:00:12,380 SO, MOM, YOU KNOW HOW ENDLESS A KITCHEN REMODEL CAN BE. 3 00:00:12,413 --> 00:00:13,981 I NEVER WANT TO GO THROUGH THAT AGAIN. 4 00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:16,184 YES, BUT IT'S ALL WORTH IT WHEN IT'S DONE. 5 00:00:16,217 --> 00:00:17,751 WHEN WILL IT BE FINISHED? 6 00:00:17,785 --> 00:00:19,287 IT IS FINISHED. 7 00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:20,588 REALLY? 8 00:00:20,621 --> 00:00:22,590 SO ALL THIS IS INTENTIONAL? 9 00:00:22,623 --> 00:00:24,725 ( laughs ) 10 00:00:24,758 --> 00:00:26,627 HEY, SLOW DOWN THERE, YOU TWO. 11 00:00:26,660 --> 00:00:29,430 I'VE GOT SOME SOLID FOOD COMING HERE. 12 00:00:29,463 --> 00:00:31,999 IT'S SO NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU, MONICA, PUT A FACE TO THE NAME. 13 00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:33,501 WHAT BROUGHT YOU TO TOWN? 14 00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:36,137 WELL, I WAS WAITING FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION, LIKE A WEDDING, 15 00:00:36,170 --> 00:00:39,340 BUT WHO ARE WE KIDDING? I'M NOT GOING TO LIVE FOREVER. 16 00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:42,343 THAT'S RIGHT, MOM. NOT MARRIED, STILL SINGLE... 17 00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:44,578 CAN'T POINT THAT OUT ENOUGH. 18 00:00:44,612 --> 00:00:47,081 I GUESS MR. RIGHT MUST HAVE TAKEN A WRONG TURN. 19 00:00:47,115 --> 00:00:48,716 ( Monica and Joey laugh ) 20 00:00:48,749 --> 00:00:51,652 MONICA, WOULD YOU GO TELL THE KIDS WE'RE READY TO EAT? 21 00:00:51,685 --> 00:00:53,621 THE CHILDREN ARE GOING TO JOIN US FOR DINNER? 22 00:00:53,654 --> 00:00:55,156 AT THE SAME TABLE? 23 00:00:55,189 --> 00:00:57,625 YEAH, WE TRY TO ALL EAT TOGETHER, YOU KNOW, LIKE A FAMILY. 24 00:00:57,658 --> 00:00:59,227 AND YOU SIT WITH US TOO? 25 00:00:59,260 --> 00:01:02,496 I KNOW. IT'S NUTS AROUND HERE. 26 00:01:02,530 --> 00:01:05,466 WELL, NO HUSBAND AND NO CHILDREN OF YOUR OWN, 27 00:01:05,499 --> 00:01:08,369 BUT STILL A FULL TABLE. OOH OOH, IT'S LIKE A PLAY... 28 00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:10,404 A SAD LITTLE PLAY. 29 00:01:10,438 --> 00:01:12,640 YOU KILL ME, MOM. YOU REALLY DO. 30 00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:14,708 LENNOX, DINNER! 31 00:01:14,742 --> 00:01:16,710 AND YOU TOO... 32 00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:19,147 YOUNG MAN. 33 00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:20,814 HOW DO YOU PUT UP WITH THAT? 34 00:01:20,848 --> 00:01:23,451 OH, YOU MEAN OUR LITTLE MOTHER-DAUGHTER BACK-AND-FORTH? 35 00:01:23,484 --> 00:01:25,253 SHE JUST HAS A SARCASTIC SENSE OF HUMOR. 36 00:01:25,286 --> 00:01:27,121 NO, I HAVE A SARCASTIC SENSE OF HUMOR, ALL RIGHT? 37 00:01:27,155 --> 00:01:29,089 SHE'S... SHE'S MEAN. 38 00:01:29,123 --> 00:01:30,591 YOU JUST HAVE TO LAUGH IT OFF. 39 00:01:30,624 --> 00:01:33,261 YEAH? OR IN YOUR CASE SCRATCH IT OFF? 40 00:01:33,294 --> 00:01:35,796 IT'S NO BIG DEAL. I GET HIVES EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE. 41 00:01:35,829 --> 00:01:36,830 LIKE WHEN? 42 00:01:36,864 --> 00:01:38,632 YOU KNOW, LIKE CHRISTMAS, 43 00:01:38,666 --> 00:01:40,834 THANKSGIVING, MOTHER'S DAY. 44 00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:43,337 BURKE, COME ON. IT'S SO OBVIOUS. ALL THIS STUFF YOU'RE LAUGHING OFF 45 00:01:43,371 --> 00:01:45,673 YOU'RE ACTUALLY SPELLING OUT IN TINY RED DOTS ON YOUR ARM. LET ME SEE THIS. 46 00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:48,709 WHAT DOES IT SAY? OH YEAH, LOOK AT THAT... "HELP ME." 47 00:01:48,742 --> 00:01:51,179 OH, LOOK WHAT THIS ARM SAYS... "BUTT OUT." 48 00:01:52,846 --> 00:01:55,115 - ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD - ♪ All good 49 00:01:55,149 --> 00:01:56,750 - ♪ IT'S OKAY - ♪ Okay 50 00:01:56,784 --> 00:01:58,586 - ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT - ♪ All right 51 00:01:58,619 --> 00:02:00,554 ♪ AS FAR AS I CAN SEE 52 00:02:00,588 --> 00:02:01,822 - ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD - ♪ All good 53 00:02:01,855 --> 00:02:03,791 - ♪ IT'S OKAY - ♪ Okay 54 00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:05,693 - ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT - ♪ All right 55 00:02:05,726 --> 00:02:08,596 ♪ I GUESS YOU'RE STUCK ♪ 56 00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:11,131 ♪ WITH ME ♪ 57 00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:16,737 JUST GRAB SOMETHING. WE GOTTA LEAVE. 58 00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:18,138 I NEED BREAKFAST. 59 00:02:18,172 --> 00:02:20,741 YOU CAN EAT NEXT WHEN GRANDMA'S GONE. 60 00:02:20,774 --> 00:02:21,709 WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING UP? 61 00:02:21,742 --> 00:02:24,412 GOING TO SCHOOL. 62 00:02:24,445 --> 00:02:25,879 AT 6:00 A.M.? 63 00:02:25,913 --> 00:02:28,716 YEAH, WE LIKE TO BE THERE WHEN IT OPENS. 64 00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:30,718 YEAH, IT'S REALLY COOL WHEN THEY UNCHAIN THE GATES 65 00:02:30,751 --> 00:02:33,287 AND WAKE UP ALL THE HOMELESS GUYS. 66 00:02:33,321 --> 00:02:35,389 YOU'RE DOING ALL THIS TO AVOID SEEING YOUR GRANDMOTHER, AREN'T YOU? 67 00:02:35,423 --> 00:02:38,526 I CANNOT LISTEN TO HER CRITICIZE ANOTHER ONE OF MY OUTFITS 68 00:02:38,559 --> 00:02:41,429 AND TELL ME THAT I'M ASKING FOR IT. 69 00:02:41,462 --> 00:02:43,831 YOU KNOW, SHE STILL DOES NOT KNOW MY NAME. 70 00:02:43,864 --> 00:02:46,267 SHE CALLS ME "TALL BOY." 71 00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:47,835 MAYBE YOU CAN HELP HER OUT, YOU KNOW, 72 00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:49,737 WEAR A NAME TAG OR SOMETHING. 73 00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:52,273 OH MY GOD, LIGHTS. OKAY, LET'S GO, LET'S GO. 74 00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:53,441 HOLD ON. 75 00:02:53,474 --> 00:02:55,409 THIS IS NOT CEREAL. THIS IS CROUTONS. 76 00:02:55,443 --> 00:02:56,844 CLOSE ENOUGH. LET'S GO. 77 00:03:00,214 --> 00:03:01,815 HEY, JOE. 78 00:03:01,849 --> 00:03:04,918 I LOVE THIS TIME OF DAY. DON'T YOU? 79 00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:07,187 YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THIS TIME OF DAY. 80 00:03:07,221 --> 00:03:08,689 NOT TRUE. 81 00:03:08,722 --> 00:03:10,891 I USED TO STUMBLE HOME AT THIS HOUR ALL THE TIME. 82 00:03:10,924 --> 00:03:12,660 ANYWAY, I'M OFF TO WORK. 83 00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:14,528 WHY DON'T YOU STOP SNEAKING AROUND TO AVOID YOUR MOTHER 84 00:03:14,562 --> 00:03:16,797 AND JUST ADMIT THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HER IS PRETTY SCREWED UP? 85 00:03:16,830 --> 00:03:19,833 BECAUSE THEN I'D HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT. 86 00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:21,669 AVOIDING YOUR MOTHER IS NOT HEALTHY. 87 00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:23,271 THERE'S NOTHING UNHEALTHY ABOUT IT. 88 00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:26,740 ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, LOOK, 89 00:03:26,774 --> 00:03:28,576 SURE I WISH I HAD A BETTER RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MOTHER, 90 00:03:28,609 --> 00:03:30,444 BUT I DON'T. THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. 91 00:03:30,478 --> 00:03:31,845 SO I'VE MADE PEACE WITH THAT. 92 00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:34,582 SEE? PEACE. 93 00:03:34,615 --> 00:03:37,518 YEAH, I SEE A PIECE OF SKIN HANGING OFF RIGHT THERE. 94 00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:40,721 YOU KNOW, YOU'D LIVE A LOT LONGER IF YOU ACTUALLY HAD A REAL CONVERSATION WITH HER. 95 00:03:40,754 --> 00:03:42,723 WE'RE BURKES. BURKES DON'T DO THAT. 96 00:03:44,325 --> 00:03:46,860 LONGOS DO. 97 00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:50,831 RUMOR IS THE WHOLE NEXT SEMESTER 98 00:03:50,864 --> 00:03:52,866 IS GONNA BE PILATES OR ZUMBA. 99 00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:55,536 ANYTHING WITHOUT FLYING BALLS OR STICKS COMING AT ME. 100 00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:57,237 I REALLY LIKE MY NOSE WHERE IT IS. 101 00:03:57,271 --> 00:03:59,540 ( blows whistle ) ALL RIGHT, LADIES, 102 00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:01,809 FOR THE NEXT TWO MONTHS WE WILL EAT, 103 00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:04,578 SLEEP AND CRAP SOCCER. 104 00:04:04,612 --> 00:04:07,214 THIS WEEK... HEADING THE BALL. 105 00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:09,317 I NEED A VOLUNTEER. 106 00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:10,984 YOU, GLICKMAN. 107 00:04:11,018 --> 00:04:12,820 ATTAGIRL. NEXT TIME USE LESS FACE. 108 00:04:12,853 --> 00:04:15,823 OKAY, TAKE A LAP AND THEN 45 MINUTES OF HEADERS. 109 00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:17,358 COME ON. 110 00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:19,560 I AM SO NOT DOING THIS. 111 00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:21,462 WELL, YOU CAN'T GET OUT OF IT. 112 00:04:21,495 --> 00:04:24,632 COACH DALMAN ONLY EXCUSES YOU IF YOU'RE DEAD OR DYING. 113 00:04:24,665 --> 00:04:26,667 AND EVEN THEN, YOU'D BETTER HAVE A NOTE FROM THE CORONER. 114 00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:28,969 COME ON, MILLER, SCANLON, LOOK ALIVE. 115 00:04:29,002 --> 00:04:32,740 UM, LISTEN, COACH DALMAN, 116 00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:35,008 I NEED TO BE EXCUSED FROM P.E. TODAY. 117 00:04:35,042 --> 00:04:38,712 THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM. JUST SHOW ME YOUR OBITUARY. 118 00:04:38,746 --> 00:04:41,849 IT'S, YOU KNOW, MY PERIOD. 119 00:04:41,882 --> 00:04:44,985 PLEASE, WE WOMEN CAN DO WHATEVER WE WANT ON OUR PERIOD. 120 00:04:45,018 --> 00:04:47,455 WE CAN CLIMB MOUNTAINS. WE CAN DECLARE WAR. 121 00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:49,890 WE CAN EVEN WEAR WHITE STRETCH PANTS. 122 00:04:49,923 --> 00:04:51,759 SO IF IT'S YOUR PERIOD, 123 00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:53,994 YOU CAN GIVE ME AN EXTRA 20 LAPS FOR STARTERS. 124 00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:57,365 NO NO NO NO NO, I DON'T HAVE MY PERIOD. IT'S NOT MY PERIOD. 125 00:04:57,398 --> 00:04:58,566 - REALLY? - YEAH. 126 00:04:58,599 --> 00:04:59,867 I SO DO NOT HAVE MY PERIOD. 127 00:04:59,900 --> 00:05:01,769 I WISH I HAD MY PERIOD. 128 00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:03,437 OH. 129 00:05:03,471 --> 00:05:06,474 ( whispers ) OH, DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE PREGNANT? 130 00:05:07,608 --> 00:05:09,443 YOU SAID IT. 131 00:05:09,477 --> 00:05:12,880 HONEY, IF YOU ARE, YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY NOT BE OUT HERE PLAYING SOCCER. 132 00:05:12,913 --> 00:05:15,516 - WELL, I GUESS YOU KNOW BEST. - YES, I DO, SCANLON. 133 00:05:15,549 --> 00:05:18,619 OKAY, YOU JUST GET SOME HOMEWORK DONE, PUT YOUR FEET UP, 134 00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:21,021 TEXT YOUR BABY DADDY. 135 00:05:22,456 --> 00:05:24,057 COME ON! YOU RUN LIKE GIRLS! 136 00:05:24,091 --> 00:05:26,794 ( blows whistle ) SHAKE THAT ASS! 137 00:05:30,698 --> 00:05:33,501 MY GOODNESS, EVERYONE HERE GETS UP SO EARLY. 138 00:05:33,534 --> 00:05:35,536 IT'S 11:00. 139 00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:39,072 THEN IT'S TIME FOR A BIG BUBBLY 140 00:05:39,106 --> 00:05:41,475 GLASS OF BREAKFAST. 141 00:05:41,509 --> 00:05:44,378 DID MEL SAY WHEN SHE WAS COMING HOME? 142 00:05:44,412 --> 00:05:46,980 IT'S TUESDAY... COUNCIL DAY. SHE'LL BE HOME AT 7:00. 143 00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:49,950 AND IT'S NOT LIKELY SHE HAS A DATE, SO 7:00 IT WILL BE. 144 00:05:49,983 --> 00:05:53,320 WOW, YOU EVEN THROW SHOTS AT HER WHEN SHE'S NOT HERE. 145 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,423 SHOTS? ARE YOU REFERRING TO 146 00:05:55,456 --> 00:05:57,558 OUR LITTLE MOTHER-DAUGHTER BACK-AND-FORTH? 147 00:05:57,591 --> 00:05:59,326 YOU KNOW, THAT LITTLE BACK-AND-FORTH, I THINK, 148 00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:01,028 IS SOMETIMES PRETTY HURTFUL TO MEL. 149 00:06:01,061 --> 00:06:05,633 MY, THE STAFF DOES VOICE ITS OPINION AROUND HERE, DOESN'T IT? 150 00:06:05,666 --> 00:06:08,101 YES, IT DOES, YEAH. 151 00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:10,971 AND ANOTHER THING THAT IT'S CURIOUS ABOUT IS: 152 00:06:11,004 --> 00:06:14,107 IT'S BEEN TWO YEARS SINCE YOU CAME TO YOUR DAUGHTER'S HOUSE. 153 00:06:14,141 --> 00:06:15,609 AND YOU'D LIKE TO KNOW WHY I'M HERE? 154 00:06:15,643 --> 00:06:18,011 YEAH, I REALLY WOULD. 155 00:06:18,045 --> 00:06:22,483 I'M HERE BECAUSE MY OTHER DAUGHTER IS IN PRISON 156 00:06:22,516 --> 00:06:25,886 AND I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE TO SPEND A LITTLE TIME WITH MY FAMILY 157 00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:27,788 WHILE MY HUSBAND RUSSELL IS IN MEXICO 158 00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:30,824 BEDDING A 28-YEAR-OLD YOGA INSTRUCTOR. 159 00:06:32,793 --> 00:06:36,029 THAT'S SOME NEW INFORMATION. 160 00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:38,098 AND IT'S OUR ANNIVERSARY TOMORROW. 161 00:06:38,131 --> 00:06:40,400 THAT'S MY GIFT FROM RUSSELL... BETRAYAL. 162 00:06:40,434 --> 00:06:43,804 HE DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO SHOP FOR YOU. 163 00:06:45,038 --> 00:06:46,940 SERIOUSLY, WOW. I'M SORRY. 164 00:06:46,974 --> 00:06:48,909 I NEVER WOULD HAVE SAID ANYTHING IF I'D KNOWN THAT. 165 00:06:48,942 --> 00:06:50,110 BUT HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? 166 00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:52,513 SINCE WE'RE KIND OF TALKING NOW, 167 00:06:52,546 --> 00:06:54,515 I GOTTA TELL YOU, 168 00:06:54,548 --> 00:06:57,084 I THINK YOU DESERVE A LOT BETTER THAN THAT. HOW DO YOU STAND IT? 169 00:06:57,117 --> 00:07:00,153 I HAVE MY WAYS. 170 00:07:00,187 --> 00:07:02,623 I THINK YOU SHOULD TREAT YOURSELF A LITTLE BETTER THAN THAT. 171 00:07:02,656 --> 00:07:04,091 YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF LIFE LEFT AHEAD OF YOU. 172 00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:06,494 YOU DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF IT BEING MISERABLE, DO YOU? 173 00:07:06,527 --> 00:07:08,496 LOVELY TALKING TO YOU, JOE. 174 00:07:08,529 --> 00:07:12,065 I THINK I'LL TAKE THE REST OF MY BREAKFAST UPSTAIRS. 175 00:07:13,801 --> 00:07:15,603 ALL RIGHT, FINE. 176 00:07:15,636 --> 00:07:18,005 AVOID ALL MY BRILLIANT ADVICE. 177 00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:20,574 ALL BURKE WOMEN DO. 178 00:07:24,712 --> 00:07:25,846 - ( game playing ) - HEY. 179 00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:27,414 HEY, I HEARD YOU GOT OUT OF SOCCER. 180 00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:28,949 NOBODY GETS OUT OF DALMAN'S CLASS. 181 00:07:28,982 --> 00:07:32,653 SHE MADE SHIRA COHEN PLAY FIELD HOCKEY WITH A BROKEN FEMUR. 182 00:07:32,686 --> 00:07:35,489 YOU COULD SEE IT POKING OUT. 183 00:07:35,523 --> 00:07:38,726 YEAH, WELL, I FELL INTO A LOOPHOLE. 184 00:07:38,759 --> 00:07:40,894 THERE'S A LOOPHOLE? 185 00:07:40,928 --> 00:07:42,763 LET ME HAVE IT. 186 00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,932 DALMAN THINKS I'M PREGNANT. 187 00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:48,902 YEAH, THAT PROBABLY WOULDN'T WORK FOR ME. 188 00:07:48,936 --> 00:07:50,871 I JUST WANTED TO GET OUT OF SOCCER. 189 00:07:50,904 --> 00:07:52,973 SHE HAD ME KNOCKED UP BEFORE I KNEW WHAT WAS HAPPENING. 190 00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:56,076 JUST TO BE CLEAR... YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY PREGNANT, RIGHT? 191 00:07:56,109 --> 00:07:58,579 OF COURSE NOT. AND IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS 192 00:07:58,612 --> 00:08:00,948 SHE'S GONNA EXPECT ME TO LOOK LIKE I'VE SWALLOWED A BASKETBALL. 193 00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:03,016 UGH, THIS IS WRONG. 194 00:08:03,050 --> 00:08:05,653 I HATE SOCCER, BUT I'VE GOT TO TELL HER THE TRUTH. 195 00:08:05,686 --> 00:08:08,055 YEAH YEAH, TELL HER FIRST THING TOMORROW. 196 00:08:08,088 --> 00:08:10,691 THAT WAY THEY CAN ANNOUNCE YOUR DEATH AT NOON ASSEMBLY. 197 00:08:10,724 --> 00:08:13,694 MAYBE WE'LL EVEN GET A HALF-DAY OUT OF IT. 198 00:08:18,799 --> 00:08:20,668 OKAY, 7:00. 199 00:08:20,701 --> 00:08:22,670 IF HISTORY IS ANY GUIDE, MY MOM SHOULD BE 200 00:08:22,703 --> 00:08:24,905 IN THE MIDDLE OF HER MARTINI NAP. 201 00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:26,774 NO, SHE'S WIDE AWAKE. 202 00:08:26,807 --> 00:08:29,710 HEY, MEL, I GOTTA TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING 203 00:08:29,743 --> 00:08:31,579 THAT YOU'RE NOT GONNA REALLY WANT TO HEAR, 204 00:08:31,612 --> 00:08:33,714 BUT TODAY 205 00:08:33,747 --> 00:08:37,484 I GOT TO KNOW YOUR MOTHER A LOT BETTER. 206 00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:40,888 EWW, GROSS! WITH MY MOTHER? HOW COULD YOU? 207 00:08:40,921 --> 00:08:42,590 WHAT? EWW. ARE YOU... 208 00:08:42,623 --> 00:08:44,157 I HAVE A LITTLE MORE RESTRAINT THAN THAT. PLEASE. 209 00:08:44,191 --> 00:08:46,894 NO, LOOK, WE GOT TO TALKING, ALL RIGHT? 210 00:08:46,927 --> 00:08:48,195 WE GOT TO REALLY TALKING. 211 00:08:48,228 --> 00:08:50,731 EWW, TALKING?! THAT'S EVEN WORSE. 212 00:08:50,764 --> 00:08:52,733 HEY, WE HAD A VERY REVEALING CONVERSATION 213 00:08:52,766 --> 00:08:54,702 THAT WAS QUITE THERAPEUTIC FOR HER, I THINK. 214 00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:57,671 SO LOOK, THIS IS NOT GONNA BE EASY FOR ME TO SAY. 215 00:08:57,705 --> 00:08:59,106 YOU MAY WANT TO SIT DOWN. 216 00:08:59,139 --> 00:09:01,875 THIS IS BAD, HUH? REALLY BAD? 217 00:09:01,909 --> 00:09:03,811 IT IS. 218 00:09:03,844 --> 00:09:07,247 LOOK, SHE TOLD ME THAT 219 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:10,651 YOUR FATHER'S BEEN CHEATING ON HER. 220 00:09:11,652 --> 00:09:13,621 THAT'S IT? ( laughs ) 221 00:09:13,654 --> 00:09:15,989 IT'S SO CUTE HOW YOU THINK THAT'S NEWS. 222 00:09:17,024 --> 00:09:18,992 YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK LIKE A SWEET LITTLE PIXIE, 223 00:09:19,026 --> 00:09:21,729 BUT YOU'RE VERY DARK, BURKE. 224 00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:23,196 OH, MEL DEAR, YOU'RE HOME. 225 00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:25,298 I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING... SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT. 226 00:09:25,332 --> 00:09:27,968 I WONDER WHAT IT COULD BE. IT MIGHT BE SHOCKING. 227 00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:30,203 I SHOULD BRACE MYSELF. 228 00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:32,205 TOMORROW IS OUR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY 229 00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:34,842 AND RUSSELL HAS USED THIS OCCASION TO CHEAT ON ME. 230 00:09:34,875 --> 00:09:36,810 WHAT? 231 00:09:36,844 --> 00:09:39,279 AND AS A RESULT, I HAVE DECIDED TO DIVORCE YOUR FATHER. 232 00:09:39,312 --> 00:09:40,648 WHAT?! 233 00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:42,983 I WISH I HAD NEVER LAID EYES ON THAT MAN. 234 00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:45,552 NOTHING GOOD HAS EVER COME FROM THIS MARRIAGE. 235 00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,888 MOM, HELLO. 236 00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:50,057 YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M SORRY, DEAR. 237 00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:51,959 I DID GET TO MEET NANCY REAGAN. 238 00:09:51,992 --> 00:09:55,295 ANYWAY, I NOW SEE THINGS SO CLEARLY, 239 00:09:55,328 --> 00:09:57,931 THANKS TO THE SUPPORT AND ENCOURAGEMENT 240 00:09:57,965 --> 00:09:59,667 OF MY GOOD FRIEND JOE. 241 00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:01,201 JOE? REALLY? 242 00:10:03,170 --> 00:10:04,972 SO ONE CONVERSATION WITH JOE LONGO, 243 00:10:05,005 --> 00:10:06,974 AND MY PARENTS' ENTIRE MARRIAGE BLOWS UP? 244 00:10:07,007 --> 00:10:08,308 NICE WORK. VERY THERAPEUTIC. 245 00:10:08,341 --> 00:10:10,010 I JUST TOLD HER THAT SHE DESERVED BETTER. 246 00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:11,578 YEAH, BUT SHE REALLY DOESN'T. 247 00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:13,180 - HE CHEATS ON HER. - SHE CHEATS ON HIM. 248 00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:15,683 THAT DIDN'T COME UP. 249 00:10:15,716 --> 00:10:17,617 IT'S THEIR THING. THEY'RE MEANT FOR EACH OTHER. 250 00:10:17,651 --> 00:10:19,052 THEY HAVE THIS ALL WORKED OUT. 251 00:10:19,086 --> 00:10:21,722 ALL WORKED OUT? BURKE, IT'S BEEN YEARS OF MISERY AND DENIAL. 252 00:10:21,755 --> 00:10:24,024 NAME ME ONE GOOD THING THAT'S COME OUT OF THIS MARRIAGE. 253 00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:26,927 ME! WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP LEAVING ME OUT? 254 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,329 LOOK, ALL I'M SAYING IS YOUR FATHER IS ON VACATION 255 00:10:29,362 --> 00:10:31,198 WITH A WOMAN HALF HIS AGE ON THEIR ANNIVERSARY. 256 00:10:31,231 --> 00:10:33,366 I THINK HER SHOWING UP HERE IS A CRY FOR HELP. 257 00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,635 NO, WHEN MY MOTHER CRIES FOR HELP, IT SOUNDS LIKE, 258 00:10:35,669 --> 00:10:39,106 "ESPERANZA, DONDE ESTA EL VALIUM?" 259 00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:41,108 YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK? I THINK THIS IS A BLESSING IN DISGUISE, 260 00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:43,944 'CAUSE SHE'S FINALLY TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING FOR REAL. YOU NEED TO BE THERE FOR HER. 261 00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:47,014 YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF THE DARK FORCES YOU HAVE JUST UNLEASHED, OKAY? 262 00:10:47,047 --> 00:10:48,716 FIRST COME HIVES, THEN COME THE LOCUSTS. 263 00:10:48,749 --> 00:10:49,917 YOU'RE OVERREACTING A LITTLE BIT. 264 00:10:49,950 --> 00:10:51,852 OH? WE'LL SEE WHO'S OVERREACTING TOMORROW 265 00:10:51,885 --> 00:10:54,054 WHEN THE SUN TURNS TO BLOOD AND IT BEGINS RAINING FROGS. 266 00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:57,390 IS IT GONNA CLEAR UP BY THE WEEKEND? 'CAUSE I HAVE A SOFTBALL GAME. 267 00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:03,831 ( knocks )\ HEY, COACH. 268 00:11:03,864 --> 00:11:05,065 CAN I TALK TO YOU? 269 00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:06,900 SURE, SCANLON, ANYTIME. 270 00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:10,670 EVERYTHING OKAY WITH YOU TWO? 271 00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:13,073 ACTUALLY, NO. 272 00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:15,075 I WAS THINKING ABOUT YESTERDAY 273 00:11:15,108 --> 00:11:17,077 AND GETTING OUT OF SOCCER, 274 00:11:17,110 --> 00:11:19,046 AND I NEED TO BE TOTALLY HONEST WITH YOU. 275 00:11:19,079 --> 00:11:21,681 THIS WHOLE BABY THING... 276 00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:23,016 I FEEL SO ASHAMED. 277 00:11:23,050 --> 00:11:26,920 OH, HONEY, DON'T WALLOW IN REGRET AND SELF-RECRIMINATION. 278 00:11:26,954 --> 00:11:29,689 SHOULD YOU HAVE BEEN MORE CAREFUL? YES. 279 00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:31,792 BUT YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO'S MADE A MISTAKE. 280 00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:33,426 THREE OUT OF 10 GIRLS IN THIS COUNTRY 281 00:11:33,460 --> 00:11:35,228 GET PREGNANT BEFORE THEY TURN 20. 282 00:11:35,262 --> 00:11:38,899 THAT'S 2000 GIRLS EVERY DAY JUST LIKE YOU. 283 00:11:38,932 --> 00:11:42,169 WELL, NOT JUST LIKE ME. 284 00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:44,972 SEE, COACH, I NEED TO TELL YOU 285 00:11:45,005 --> 00:11:46,740 I FEEL REALLY BAD. 286 00:11:46,774 --> 00:11:49,109 OH, LENNOX, IT COULD HAPPEN TO ANYONE. 287 00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:51,378 IN FACT, WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL, 288 00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:53,847 IT HAPPENED TO ME. 289 00:11:53,881 --> 00:11:55,382 OH BOY. 290 00:11:55,415 --> 00:11:58,385 WHEN I WENT THROUGH IT, THERE WAS NO ONE TO TURN TO. 291 00:11:58,418 --> 00:12:00,854 BUT I WILL BE HERE FOR YOU 292 00:12:00,888 --> 00:12:02,790 EVERY DAY. 293 00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:06,026 AWESOME. 294 00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:07,761 AND DON'T WORRY, 295 00:12:07,795 --> 00:12:10,363 YOUR LITTLE SITUATION WILL BE OUR LITTLE SECRET. 296 00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:11,731 Girl: HEADS UP! 297 00:12:11,765 --> 00:12:13,100 HEY, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE THROWING THAT! 298 00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:15,435 FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, THIS GIRL IS PREGNANT! 299 00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:21,809 HI MOM. 300 00:12:21,842 --> 00:12:23,310 OH, HELLO, DARLING. 301 00:12:23,343 --> 00:12:25,245 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 302 00:12:25,278 --> 00:12:28,481 REDECORATING. YOU KNOW HOW IT ALWAYS LIFTS MY SPIRITS. 303 00:12:28,515 --> 00:12:31,018 I GOT RID OF YOUR TIRED OLD DRAPES. 304 00:12:31,051 --> 00:12:33,921 OH, YOU MEAN MY TIRED OLD BRAND NEW DRAPES 305 00:12:33,954 --> 00:12:36,790 THAT MAKE ME SO HAPPY WHENEVER I WALK INTO MY HOUSE? 306 00:12:36,824 --> 00:12:39,326 OH, HONEY, YOU CAN'T EXPECT ME TO LIVE WITH THOSE 307 00:12:39,359 --> 00:12:42,062 DAY AFTER DAY, WEEK AFTER WEEK. 308 00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:43,363 WHOA, WEEK AFTER WHAT? 309 00:12:43,396 --> 00:12:45,198 SO YOU'RE STAYING? 310 00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:47,167 I CAN'T GO BACK TO THAT GEORGETOWN HOUSE. 311 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,169 I NEED TO HEAL IN THE BOSOM OF MY FAMILY. 312 00:12:49,202 --> 00:12:51,171 AND YOU ARE ALL THAT'S LEFT, 313 00:12:51,204 --> 00:12:53,173 SO I HAVE TO MAKE DO. 314 00:12:55,976 --> 00:12:57,845 IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD, JOE. 315 00:12:57,878 --> 00:12:59,512 SHE'S MOVING IN AND STAYING FOREVER. 316 00:12:59,546 --> 00:13:01,281 - YOU DON'T KNOW THAT FOR SURE. - YES, I DO. 317 00:13:01,314 --> 00:13:03,150 SHE'S IN THERE RIGHT NOW TAKING DOWN MY DRAPES. 318 00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:04,818 AND MY POOR PILLOWS ARE NEXT. 319 00:13:04,852 --> 00:13:06,820 SHE'S REDECORATING WHAT I JUST REDECORATED. 320 00:13:06,854 --> 00:13:09,356 SHE'S RE-REDECORATING. AND I RE-RESENT IT. 321 00:13:09,389 --> 00:13:11,224 THAT DOESN'T MEAN SHE'S GONNA STAY HERE FOREVER, BURKE. 322 00:13:11,258 --> 00:13:14,194 SHE'S TRYING TO KEEP HERSELF BUSY. SHE WANTS TO BE A PART OF THE FAMILY. 323 00:13:14,227 --> 00:13:15,863 OH, THAT'S A CHANGE. BACK WHEN I WAS A KID, 324 00:13:15,896 --> 00:13:17,130 SHE COULDN'T WAIT TO GET RID OF HER FAMILY. 325 00:13:17,164 --> 00:13:19,166 SHE PRACTICALLY PUSHED ME AND MEREDITH OUT OF THE HOUSE. 326 00:13:19,199 --> 00:13:22,102 YOU'RE THE ONE THAT SAID YOU AND YOUR SISTER WERE HORRIBLE TEENAGERS. 327 00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:24,171 WELL, WE WERE. THE THIRD TIME I WAS ARRESTED, 328 00:13:24,204 --> 00:13:26,139 MY MOTHER MADE MY FATHER GET A VASECTOMY 329 00:13:26,173 --> 00:13:28,876 SO THIS INCONVENIENT CHILD THING WOULD NEVER HAPPENED AGAIN. 330 00:13:30,043 --> 00:13:32,079 THOSE ARE TENDER MEMORIES, HUH? 331 00:13:32,112 --> 00:13:34,114 PIECE BY PIECE, SHE WILL DESTROY MY HOUSE. 332 00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:36,816 BURKE, RELAX, OKAY? PILLOWS, DRAPES... 333 00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:39,186 YOU KNOW, THEY'RE JUST THINGS. RISE ABOVE. 334 00:13:39,219 --> 00:13:41,121 WHAT THE... 335 00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:43,556 HEY, WHO THE HECK SCRATCHED MY BRAND NEW CALPHALON SKILLET? 336 00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:45,558 OH, I THINK MONICA WAS HEATING UP 337 00:13:45,592 --> 00:13:47,227 SOME STUFF FOR HER MUD MASK IN THAT. 338 00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:49,796 WHAT THE HELL DID SHE STIR IT WITH, A BACK HOE? 339 00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:51,231 LOOK AT THIS THING. IT'S RUINED. 340 00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:54,868 MY GOD, IT'S LIKE SHE STRIKES AT WHAT YOU LOVE. 341 00:13:54,902 --> 00:13:58,305 RISE ABOVE, JOE. IT'S JUST A THING. 342 00:13:59,306 --> 00:14:01,174 THIS WOMAN'S GOTTA GO, BURKE. 343 00:14:07,948 --> 00:14:10,017 MAYBE YOUR MOTHER WILL PACK UP AND LEAVE IF WE TELL HER 344 00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:11,484 THAT OHIO RAN OUT OF ALCOHOL. 345 00:14:11,518 --> 00:14:13,921 IF SHE STAYS HERE LONG ENOUGH, IT WILL. 346 00:14:13,954 --> 00:14:17,357 HEY, AUNT MEL, WE GOTTA TALK. 347 00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:19,092 IS THIS GONNA BE ONE OF THOSE GIRL CONVERSATIONS? 348 00:14:19,126 --> 00:14:20,894 'CAUSE I'M MORE THAN HAPPY TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE. 349 00:14:20,928 --> 00:14:23,130 JOE, STAY. LOOK, I THINK YOU BOTH SHOULD KNOW 350 00:14:23,163 --> 00:14:26,399 THAT THERE'S A RUMOR GOING AROUND SCHOOL THAT I'M PREGNANT. 351 00:14:26,433 --> 00:14:28,868 WHO WOULD START SUCH A VICIOUS RUMOR? 352 00:14:28,902 --> 00:14:31,338 GIVE ME NAMES. I'LL KILL THEM. 353 00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:32,872 - IT WAS ME. - Joe: YOU? 354 00:14:32,906 --> 00:14:35,042 WHO THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO KILL NOW? 355 00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:37,044 WELL, I HAVE A SUGGESTION. 356 00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:41,148 I DIDN'T MEAN TO. I JUST TOLD MY COACH 357 00:14:41,181 --> 00:14:42,382 I WANTED TO GET OUT OF SOCCER. 358 00:14:42,415 --> 00:14:44,284 LISTEN, YOU ARE GONNA MARCH IN THERE 359 00:14:44,317 --> 00:14:46,186 AND TELL YOUR COACH THE TRUTH IMMEDIATELY. 360 00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:49,022 I WILL NOT HAVE EVERYONE RUNNING AROUND SAYING LENNOX SCANLON IS PREGNANT. 361 00:14:49,056 --> 00:14:51,324 OH MY GOD! LENNOX IS PREGNANT?! 362 00:14:51,358 --> 00:14:53,326 BUT SHE'S A CHILD! 363 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:56,063 NO NO NO NO NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. 364 00:14:56,096 --> 00:14:58,331 I DO UNDERSTAND. THIS IS HORRIBLE. 365 00:14:58,365 --> 00:15:01,234 THIS WILL MAKE ME A GREAT-GRANDMOTHER. 366 00:15:01,268 --> 00:15:02,535 THE TRUTH IS... 367 00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:05,372 UH, UH, LENNOX, NO MORE SECRETS, OKAY? 368 00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:07,074 IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE YOUR GRANDMOTHER LIVED 369 00:15:07,107 --> 00:15:09,276 IN A HOUSE WITH TEENAGERS, BUT THIS IS WHAT IT'S LIKE. 370 00:15:09,309 --> 00:15:10,310 BUT I'M NOT... 371 00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:12,645 LENNOX, LENNOX, LISTEN TO YOUR AUNT, OKAY? 372 00:15:12,679 --> 00:15:14,948 SHE'S GOT A PLAN TO HANDLE THIS HORRIBLE TEENAGE SITUATION. 373 00:15:14,982 --> 00:15:16,483 LOOK, YOU GO UP TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW 374 00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:18,451 AND TURN THAT ROCK MUSIC UP AS LOUD AS YOU CAN GET IT 375 00:15:18,485 --> 00:15:20,887 AND YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE. 376 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:24,457 IT'S LIKE THIS EVERY DAY... ONE CRISIS AFTER ANOTHER. 377 00:15:24,491 --> 00:15:28,128 SO I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND IF YOU WANT TO PACK UP AND LEAVE THIS MADHOUSE. 378 00:15:28,161 --> 00:15:30,330 IN FACT, I'M GONNA CALL YOU A TOWN CAR TO TAKE YOU TO THE AIRPORT. 379 00:15:30,363 --> 00:15:32,599 TOWN CAR? FORGET THAT. I'LL TAKE YOU TO THE AIRPORT MYSELF RIGHT NOW. 380 00:15:32,632 --> 00:15:35,668 YOU KNOW, I HAD BEEN THINKING THAT MAYBE I WAS BEING RASH, 381 00:15:35,702 --> 00:15:38,005 THAT MAYBE MY PLACE IS BACK IN D.C. 382 00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:40,207 EXACTLY. THAT'S YOUR PLACE. 383 00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:42,109 BUT NOW THAT LENNOX IS GOING TO HAVE A BABY, 384 00:15:42,142 --> 00:15:43,610 YOU NEED ME HERE MORE THAN EVER. 385 00:15:43,643 --> 00:15:45,512 NO NO NO NO NO. RIGHT, JOE? 386 00:15:45,545 --> 00:15:47,981 SHE'S RIGHT. WE GOT THIS. GO HOME. 387 00:15:48,015 --> 00:15:50,683 I KNOW I WASN'T THE BEST MOTHER, 388 00:15:50,717 --> 00:15:52,519 BUT HELPING LENNOX RAISE HER BABY 389 00:15:52,552 --> 00:15:54,387 WILL GIVE ME A CHANCE TO MAKE UP FOR ALL THAT. 390 00:15:54,421 --> 00:15:56,556 NO NO, YOU WERE A GREAT MOTHER. 391 00:15:56,589 --> 00:15:59,159 REMEMBER I GAVE YOU THAT SHOT GLASS THAT SAID THAT? 392 00:15:59,192 --> 00:16:01,028 DON'T WORRY, MEL DEAR. 393 00:16:01,061 --> 00:16:02,495 IT'S ALL GOING TO BE FINE. 394 00:16:02,529 --> 00:16:05,032 MOTHER'S HERE. 395 00:16:06,066 --> 00:16:08,068 STOP SCRATCHING. 396 00:16:09,602 --> 00:16:12,505 MOTHER, LENNOX HAS SOMETHING SHE NEEDS TO TELL YOU. 397 00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:17,210 GRANDMA, I'M NOT PREGNANT, NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT. 398 00:16:17,244 --> 00:16:19,579 I MADE UP THE WHOLE THING TO GET OUT OF SOCCER, 399 00:16:19,612 --> 00:16:21,448 WHICH ISN'T A SPORT REALLY. 400 00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:23,083 IT'S MORE LIKE A GANG FIGHT IN KNEE SOCKS. 401 00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:25,518 THAT'S IT, OKAY. THANK YOU, SWEETIE. 402 00:16:25,552 --> 00:16:27,554 I WILL BE UPSTAIRS 403 00:16:27,587 --> 00:16:29,389 SAVING MYSELF FOR MARRIAGE. 404 00:16:29,422 --> 00:16:31,358 SO SHE'S NOT PREGNANT? 405 00:16:31,391 --> 00:16:34,494 NO NO, IT WAS JUST A MISUNDERSTANDING, MOTHER. 406 00:16:34,527 --> 00:16:36,363 - OH, THAT'S A RELIEF. - YEAH. 407 00:16:36,396 --> 00:16:39,099 SO NOW THAT WE'RE NO LONGER IN CRISIS, 408 00:16:39,132 --> 00:16:41,468 YOU CAN GO ON WITH THE NEXT EXCITING CHAPTER OF YOUR LIFE. 409 00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:44,071 AND I WAS THINKING... YOU LOVE TO TRAVEL, 410 00:16:44,104 --> 00:16:47,474 SO HOW ABOUT I SEND YOU ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD YOU WANT TO GO... 411 00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:51,078 COSTA RICA, MAJORCA, THE SOUTH POLE? 412 00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:53,646 LOOK, YOU CAN SWIM WITH THE PENGUINS. 413 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,648 THAT'S VERY KIND, BUT I COULD NEVER GO 414 00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:57,750 ON A TRIP LIKE THAT WITHOUT YOUR FATHER. 415 00:16:57,784 --> 00:16:59,752 HE ALWAYS TOOK CARE OF ME. 416 00:16:59,786 --> 00:17:01,754 WELL, IF YOU MISS DADDY, 417 00:17:01,788 --> 00:17:04,291 THEN WHY DON'T YOU TALK TO HIM AND WORK IT OUT LIKE ALWAYS? 418 00:17:04,324 --> 00:17:06,393 THIS TIME IT'S DIFFERENT. HE LEFT ME FOR A WOMAN 419 00:17:06,426 --> 00:17:09,762 YOUNG ENOUGH TO BE MY MUCH YOUNGER SISTER 420 00:17:09,796 --> 00:17:12,499 ON OUR ANNIVERSARY. 421 00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:15,034 THIS ONE REALLY HURTS. 422 00:17:15,068 --> 00:17:16,736 WOW, MOM. 423 00:17:16,769 --> 00:17:18,738 OF ALL THE CONVERSATIONS WE'VE EVER HAD, 424 00:17:18,771 --> 00:17:21,574 THIS ONE IS THE MOST REALEST. 425 00:17:21,608 --> 00:17:24,511 I SUPPOSE IT WAS, BAD GRAMMAR ASIDE. 426 00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:27,447 WELL, YOU ARE WELCOME TO STAY HERE AS LONG AS YOU LIKE, 427 00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,216 WITHIN REASON. 428 00:17:29,249 --> 00:17:33,019 AND BY "WITHIN REASON" I MEAN... 429 00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:34,554 AS LONG AS YOU LIKE. 430 00:17:38,691 --> 00:17:40,527 THERE WE GO. 431 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:43,563 DON'T YOU WORRY. THAT MEAN LADY IS NOT GONNA TOUCH YOU. 432 00:17:43,596 --> 00:17:46,499 HEY, JOE. BIG BREAKTHROUGH... 433 00:17:46,533 --> 00:17:47,734 I'VE INVITED MY MOTHER TO STAY. 434 00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:49,469 SHE AND I ARE ACTUALLY GETTING ALONG. 435 00:17:49,502 --> 00:17:51,538 AND LOOK... NO ITCHING, NO BUMPS. 436 00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:53,273 GOOD FOR YOU. 437 00:17:53,306 --> 00:17:56,109 BAD FOR YOU. 438 00:17:56,143 --> 00:17:58,345 I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY A MIDDLE-AGED MAN 439 00:17:58,378 --> 00:18:01,148 WOULD LEAVE HIS WIFE FOR A 28-YEAR-OLD YOGA INSTRUCTOR. 440 00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:03,416 NOW THAT I SAID IT OUT LOUD, I KINDA GET IT. 441 00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:06,186 BUT WHAT COULD SHE POSSIBLY GET FROM HIM? 442 00:18:06,219 --> 00:18:08,555 A HOUSE, MONEY, 443 00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:10,657 A BABY, WHICH, YOU KNOW, WOULD GUARANTEE MORE MONEY. 444 00:18:10,690 --> 00:18:13,626 REALLY? SO YOU THINK SHE'S ONLY WITH HIM 445 00:18:13,660 --> 00:18:15,528 TO HAVE A KID AND GET ON THAT GRAVY TRAIN? 446 00:18:15,562 --> 00:18:18,265 A TALE AS OLD AS TIME. 447 00:18:18,298 --> 00:18:20,433 NOW THAT'S SOMETHING I CAN WORK WITH. 448 00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:23,303 HEY, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, HUH? 449 00:18:23,336 --> 00:18:26,473 SAFE TO TAKE THE SKILLET OUT OF THE BOX OR WHAT? 450 00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:31,544 - COACH. - SCANLON. 451 00:18:31,578 --> 00:18:34,080 DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE? GREAT NEWS. 452 00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:36,149 TURNS OUT THE WHOLE PREGNANCY THING WAS A FALSE ALARM. 453 00:18:36,183 --> 00:18:38,385 I CAN PLAY SOCCER NOW. WOOT WOOT! 454 00:18:38,418 --> 00:18:41,421 REALLY? YOU'RE NOT... 455 00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:45,425 NOT AT ALL. TURNS OUT I JUST CAN'T COUNT TO 28. 456 00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:48,495 WELL, AFTER I POURED MY HEART OUT TO YOU... 457 00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:50,697 BUT I GUESS YOU MUST BE RELIEVED. 458 00:18:50,730 --> 00:18:53,633 I AM, AND I AM SO GLAD I HAD SOMEONE LIKE YOU 459 00:18:53,666 --> 00:18:55,635 WHO TOOK THE TIME TO SUPPORT ME 460 00:18:55,668 --> 00:18:57,304 AND MAKE ME FEEL LESS ALONE. 461 00:18:57,337 --> 00:18:58,671 I OWE YOU ONE. 462 00:18:58,705 --> 00:19:00,540 YOU KNOW, THAT'S GOOD TO HEAR, 463 00:19:00,573 --> 00:19:03,410 BECAUSE I SIGNED YOU UP TO SPEAK TO A GROUP OF AT-RISK GIRLS TOMORROW. 464 00:19:03,443 --> 00:19:05,545 BEING A SEXUALLY ACTIVE TEEN WHO'S HAD A CLOSE CALL, 465 00:19:05,578 --> 00:19:07,146 YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET THROUGH TO THEM. 466 00:19:07,180 --> 00:19:08,748 NO, DIDN'T YOU HEAR? 467 00:19:08,781 --> 00:19:11,451 I'M NOT PREGNANT AT ALL. 468 00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:14,821 BUT YOU'RE STILL CARELESS. YOU JUST GOT LUCKY. 469 00:19:14,854 --> 00:19:17,224 NO, I'M NOT LUCKY. 470 00:19:17,257 --> 00:19:18,825 I LIED TO GET OUT OF SOCCER. 471 00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:22,295 WELL, SCANLON, 472 00:19:22,329 --> 00:19:23,863 I HAVE TO SAY I FEEL 473 00:19:23,896 --> 00:19:26,666 DISAPPOINTED AND BETRAYED. 474 00:19:26,699 --> 00:19:28,835 BUT MOVING ON... YOUR NAME'S ALREADY IN THE PROGRAM 475 00:19:28,868 --> 00:19:30,570 AND THEY'RE EXPECTING YOU. 476 00:19:30,603 --> 00:19:32,272 PLUS, THE POSTERS ARE ALREADY UP. 477 00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:36,543 OH, THAT'S MY OLD YEARBOOK PHOTO 478 00:19:36,576 --> 00:19:39,512 WITH MY ZOMBIE EYES. OH, WHAT HAVE I DONE? 479 00:19:39,546 --> 00:19:40,613 THAT'S THE LOOK WE WANT. 480 00:19:40,647 --> 00:19:42,415 REMEMBER IT FOR THE SPEECH. 481 00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:48,321 "HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, MY DARLING. 482 00:19:48,355 --> 00:19:50,657 ALL MY LOVE, RUSSELL." 483 00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:52,559 OH, A DIAMOND BRACELET. 484 00:19:52,592 --> 00:19:54,861 DADDY WENT WITH THE BIG BLING. 485 00:19:54,894 --> 00:19:58,197 WOW, THAT'S LIKE A FIVE-FIGURE APOLOGY RIGHT THERE, HUH? 486 00:19:58,231 --> 00:20:00,800 THAT'S LIKE A PRO BASKETBALL PLAYER APOLOGY. 487 00:20:00,833 --> 00:20:04,337 HE'S FLYING IN TOMORROW TO WHISK ME OFF TO PARIS. 488 00:20:04,371 --> 00:20:06,339 SUCK IT, YOGA GIRL. 489 00:20:06,373 --> 00:20:09,842 OH MY GOODNESS, I HAVE TO GO PACK. 490 00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:11,344 I'VE GOT TO ADMIT, BURKE, 491 00:20:11,378 --> 00:20:12,812 I THINK FOR ONCE YOU WERE RIGHT. 492 00:20:12,845 --> 00:20:15,748 I MEAN, THE DYSFUNCTION REALLY SEEMS TO SUIT MONICA AND RUSSELL. 493 00:20:15,782 --> 00:20:17,750 I SHOULDN'T HAVE TRIED TO STICK MY NOSE IN THERE 494 00:20:17,784 --> 00:20:21,754 AND FIX WHAT ACTUALLY WAS BROKEN VERY NICELY. 495 00:20:21,788 --> 00:20:24,657 WELL, ODDLY, IN THIS INSTANCE YOU WERE ALSO RIGHT. 496 00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:26,793 I'M ALWAYS HAPPY TO HEAR ABOUT THAT. GO ON. 497 00:20:26,826 --> 00:20:28,528 WELL, I USED THE POWER OF REAL CONVERSATION... 498 00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:29,929 YOU KNOW, THAT THING YOU'RE SO FOND OF. 499 00:20:29,962 --> 00:20:31,931 I CALLED RUSSELL'S GIRLFRIEND AND TOLD HER 500 00:20:31,964 --> 00:20:33,933 THAT RUSSELL CAN'T GIVE HER A BABY FOR REAL, 501 00:20:33,966 --> 00:20:36,769 BECAUSE OF THAT VASECTOMY HE NEGLECTED TO MENTION. 502 00:20:36,803 --> 00:20:38,705 SO SHE KICKED HIM TO THE CURB WHEN YOU SPILLED THE BEANS 503 00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:42,542 ABOUT RUSSELL'S... BEANS? 504 00:20:42,575 --> 00:20:44,911 YEAH, SO IF YOU WANT TO SAY, "GOOD JOB, MEL," GO AHEAD. 505 00:20:44,944 --> 00:20:46,713 PRETTY GOOD, BURKE. I TELL YOU, 506 00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:48,881 YOU COULD ALMOST BE A LONGO. 507 00:20:48,915 --> 00:20:51,418 YEAH, AND IF YOU'D JUST SHUT UP ONCE IN A WHILE, YOU COULD BE A BURKE. 508 00:20:51,451 --> 00:20:54,821 I COULD NEVER BE A BURKE. MY LIVER COULDN'T TAKE IT. 509 00:20:59,992 --> 00:21:01,994 WELL, MOM, WHEN YOU GET TO PARIS, SEND US SOME CROISSANTS. 510 00:21:02,028 --> 00:21:03,896 - YOU DON'T LIKE CROISSANTS. - YES, I DO. 511 00:21:03,930 --> 00:21:05,732 - NO, YOU DON'T. - I THINK I KNOW WHAT I LIKE. 512 00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:07,700 - YOU LIKE ECLAIRS. - GO AWAY. 513 00:21:07,734 --> 00:21:10,603 - SEND US A BOX OF ECLAIRS. - YES, DEAR. 514 00:21:10,637 --> 00:21:12,439 I'M SO GLAD YOU WORKED THINGS OUT WITH DADDY. 515 00:21:12,472 --> 00:21:14,807 YOU ONLY GET ONE REAL SOUL MATE IN LIFE. 516 00:21:14,841 --> 00:21:17,410 AND WHEN YOU FIND HIM, YOU HOLD ONTO HIM. 517 00:21:17,444 --> 00:21:20,347 AND HE'S CLOSER THAN YOU THINK. TA-TA. 518 00:21:25,284 --> 00:21:26,285 WHAT THE HELL IS SHE TALKING ABOUT? 519 00:21:26,319 --> 00:21:29,356 WHO KNOWS? SHE HAD A BIG BREAKFAST.