1 00:00:07,578 --> 00:00:09,079 "MELISSA AND JOEY" IS RECORDED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE. 2 00:00:09,080 --> 00:00:11,141 RYDER, LENNOX, POKER NIGHT! 3 00:00:11,142 --> 00:00:13,213 LET'S GO, GET DOWN HERE. IT'S FAMILY TOGETHERNESS TIME 4 00:00:13,214 --> 00:00:14,614 WHERE I TAKE ALL YOUR MONEY. 5 00:00:14,615 --> 00:00:15,645 WISH WE COULD, 6 00:00:15,646 --> 00:00:18,017 BUT ZANDER IS TAKING ME TO AN ART SHOW. 7 00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:21,151 IT'S PHOTOS OF PEOPLE TAKING PHOTOS OF PEOPLE. 8 00:00:21,152 --> 00:00:22,792 IT'S VERY META. 9 00:00:22,793 --> 00:00:25,024 WHATEVER HAPPENED TO JUST PARKING BEHIND THE SUPERMARKET 10 00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:26,626 AND MAKING OUT? 11 00:00:26,627 --> 00:00:28,228 - WHAT THE...? - I DIDN'T MEAN THAT. 12 00:00:28,229 --> 00:00:29,730 DO THE META THING. 13 00:00:31,802 --> 00:00:33,663 I LIKE THIS NEW ARTIST BOYFRIEND. 14 00:00:33,664 --> 00:00:35,635 - HE SEEMS PRETTY HARMLESS. - ( door closes ) 15 00:00:35,636 --> 00:00:37,637 THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A HARMLESS 17-YEAR-OLD BOY, 16 00:00:37,638 --> 00:00:38,669 MEL, UNLESS HE'S NEUTERED. 17 00:00:41,142 --> 00:00:42,742 DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN LENNOX BROKE UP WITH HASKELL 18 00:00:42,743 --> 00:00:43,774 RIGHT BEFORE SHE MET ZANDER? 19 00:00:44,715 --> 00:00:47,317 THOSE WERE THE HAPPIEST NINE MINUTES OF MY LIFE. 20 00:00:47,318 --> 00:00:48,748 - HEY, THERE HE IS. - WHAT'S UP? 21 00:00:48,749 --> 00:00:50,280 YOU READY TO BLEED SOME MONEY? 22 00:00:50,281 --> 00:00:52,152 CAN'T TONIGHT, JOE. SCHOOL CAMPING TRIP'S TOMORROW 23 00:00:52,153 --> 00:00:54,254 AND A BUNCH OF US ARE GOING OVER TO MARK'S HOUSE TO HANG OUT. 24 00:00:54,255 --> 00:00:55,625 OH, AND THAT'S MORE FUN THAN HANGING OUT WITH US? 25 00:00:55,626 --> 00:00:57,487 WELL, IT'S CHEAPER. 26 00:00:57,488 --> 00:00:59,289 ALL RIGHT, SEE YOU GUYS. 27 00:00:59,290 --> 00:01:02,162 - SEE YOU. - ( door closes ) 28 00:01:02,163 --> 00:01:03,493 OKAY, WELL... 29 00:01:03,494 --> 00:01:04,634 GUESS IT'S JUST 30 00:01:04,635 --> 00:01:06,336 THE TWO OF US THEN. 31 00:01:06,337 --> 00:01:08,498 YEAH, IT'S GONNA HAPPEN A LOT NOW. 32 00:01:08,499 --> 00:01:10,600 YOU KNOW, US. ALONE IN AN... 33 00:01:10,601 --> 00:01:12,642 EMPTY HOUSE. 34 00:01:12,643 --> 00:01:14,774 I'M SURE WE CAN FIGURE OUT SOMETHING FUN TO DO WITH EACH OTHER. 35 00:01:14,775 --> 00:01:16,476 LIKE WHAT? 36 00:01:16,477 --> 00:01:18,479 ( cellphone ringing ) 37 00:01:21,612 --> 00:01:23,213 IS THAT COMING FROM YOUR PANTS? 38 00:01:23,214 --> 00:01:24,614 YEP. 39 00:01:24,615 --> 00:01:26,085 THAT WOULD BE MY PHONE. 40 00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:27,357 OH LOOK, IT'S TATIANA. 41 00:01:27,358 --> 00:01:29,789 MM, WHAT DID SHE DO TO MERIT SUCH A CLASSY RINGTONE? 42 00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:32,563 ( chuckles ) DON'T ASK QUESTIONS YOU DON'T WANT ANSWERED, MEL. 43 00:01:34,625 --> 00:01:36,166 HEY THERE. 44 00:01:36,167 --> 00:01:37,827 ( clears throat ) 45 00:01:37,828 --> 00:01:38,828 We've noticed it too. 46 00:01:38,829 --> 00:01:40,700 One A-list celebrity after another 47 00:01:40,701 --> 00:01:42,172 hooking up with the nanny. 48 00:01:42,173 --> 00:01:43,833 Now you know who I'm talking about, right, Kev? 49 00:01:43,834 --> 00:01:45,235 Listen, Jude Law, 50 00:01:45,236 --> 00:01:46,236 Ethan Hawke, 51 00:01:46,237 --> 00:01:47,677 Robin Williams. 52 00:01:47,678 --> 00:01:49,639 Something must happen in the house 53 00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:51,511 that people just can't fight. 54 00:01:51,512 --> 00:01:54,544 OH, THEY CAN FIGHT IT, BECAUSE IT'S JUST GROSS. 55 00:01:54,545 --> 00:01:56,486 HEY. 56 00:01:56,487 --> 00:01:58,788 ALL RIGHT, DO DID YOU THINK OF SOMETHING THAT WE COULD DO WITH EACH OTHER? 57 00:01:58,789 --> 00:02:01,192 NOT GONNA HAPPEN. 58 00:02:04,225 --> 00:02:06,356 - ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD ♪ - ♪ All good ♪ 59 00:02:06,357 --> 00:02:08,198 - ♪ IT'S OKAY ♪ - ♪ Okay ♪ 60 00:02:08,199 --> 00:02:09,799 - ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪ - ♪ All right ♪ 61 00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:11,701 ♪ AS FAR AS I CAN SEE ♪ 62 00:02:11,702 --> 00:02:13,263 - ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD ♪ - ♪ All good ♪ 63 00:02:13,264 --> 00:02:15,505 - ♪ IT'S OKAY ♪ - ♪ Okay ♪ 64 00:02:15,506 --> 00:02:16,736 - ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪ - ♪ All right ♪ 65 00:02:16,737 --> 00:02:19,769 ♪ I GUESS YOU'RE STUCK ♪ 66 00:02:19,770 --> 00:02:22,773 ♪ WITH ME ♪ 67 00:02:24,775 --> 00:02:26,176 - NEED SOME HELP WITH THAT? - THANKS, JOE, 68 00:02:26,177 --> 00:02:28,378 BUT I THINK I'VE DEVELOPED THE SKILL SET NECESSARY 69 00:02:28,379 --> 00:02:30,450 TO STUFF SWEATPANTS INTO A DUFFEL BAG. 70 00:02:30,451 --> 00:02:32,653 OKAY. YOUR FLY'S DOWN. 71 00:02:34,785 --> 00:02:37,227 SO, THREE DAYS OUT IN THE WILDERNESS, HUH? 72 00:02:37,228 --> 00:02:38,828 YOU KNOW, THERE'S NO VIDEO GAMES OUT THERE, 73 00:02:38,829 --> 00:02:40,159 NO TEXTING. 74 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,631 OH, AND THE ONLY ANGRY BIRDS ARE... 75 00:02:41,632 --> 00:02:43,333 ANGRY BIRDS. 76 00:02:43,334 --> 00:02:45,795 I THINK I'LL SURVIVE. 77 00:02:45,796 --> 00:02:47,898 ( chuckles ) I'M SURE YOU WILL. WHERE'S YOUR OTHER SHOE? 78 00:02:50,241 --> 00:02:53,503 - OH MAN, I DON'T KNOW. - RYDER, YOUR SIZE 48 SHOE 79 00:02:53,504 --> 00:02:56,707 - WAS IN THE SHOWER. - SEE? SOLVED IT. 80 00:02:58,309 --> 00:02:59,810 LOOK AT YOU ALL GROWN UP WITH YOUR TWO SHOES. 81 00:03:01,312 --> 00:03:04,183 WOW, YOU ARE LOOKING AWFULLY ARMANI THIS MORNING. 82 00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:07,317 OH, YOU KNOW NOTHING. I'M ACTUALLY VERY HUGO BOSS. 83 00:03:07,318 --> 00:03:09,359 - BECAUSE? - BECAUSE I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW. 84 00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:10,790 A VERY BIG JOB INTERVIEW, ACTUALLY. 85 00:03:10,791 --> 00:03:12,662 AND I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULDN'T TELL YOUR AUNT MEL BECAUSE... 86 00:03:12,663 --> 00:03:14,924 - IT'S BEST NOT TO TELL HER STUFF. - THAT'S HOW WE LIVE. 87 00:03:14,925 --> 00:03:16,195 THANK YOU. 88 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,498 WOW, YOU LOOK NICE. 89 00:03:18,499 --> 00:03:20,470 WERE YOU INDICTED? 90 00:03:20,471 --> 00:03:22,802 ACTUALLY, I'M ON MY WAY TO A FUNERAL. 91 00:03:22,803 --> 00:03:23,973 OH, I'M SO SORRY. 92 00:03:23,974 --> 00:03:25,235 ANYONE WE KNOW? 93 00:03:25,236 --> 00:03:26,506 YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT. 94 00:03:26,507 --> 00:03:28,508 IT'S UM... 95 00:03:28,509 --> 00:03:30,740 THE TRASH MAN. 96 00:03:30,741 --> 00:03:33,383 ODD, I COULD HAVE SWORN I SAW HIM THIS MORNING. 97 00:03:33,384 --> 00:03:34,584 YEAH. 98 00:03:34,585 --> 00:03:35,985 YOU KNOW, IN MY GRIEF, I MISSPOKE. 99 00:03:35,986 --> 00:03:38,648 I MEANT THE MAILMAN. 100 00:03:38,649 --> 00:03:40,850 I WOULD SEND A SYMPATHY CARD, 101 00:03:40,851 --> 00:03:43,853 BUT THERE'S NO ONE TO DELIVER IT. 102 00:03:43,854 --> 00:03:46,526 YOU KNOW, I SENSE YOU'RE COVERING SOMETHING, 103 00:03:46,527 --> 00:03:48,598 BUT IN ORDER TO PURSUE IT, I WOULD HAVE TO CARE. 104 00:03:48,599 --> 00:03:50,330 AND I'M HAPPY TO SAY I DON'T. 105 00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:51,401 ALL RIGHT, BYE, GUYS. 106 00:03:51,402 --> 00:03:52,562 SEE YOU IN FOUR DAYS. 107 00:03:52,563 --> 00:03:54,704 OH THAT'S RIGHT. YOU'RE LEAVING TODAY. 108 00:03:54,705 --> 00:03:57,837 OH, MY LITTLE BABY NEPHEW. 109 00:03:57,838 --> 00:03:59,969 LITTLE? BURKE, THAT KID'S A GIRAFFE. 110 00:03:59,970 --> 00:04:03,614 IF HE GROWS ANY TALLER, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO START RECUTTING THE DOORS. 111 00:04:08,379 --> 00:04:09,749 ( door opens ) 112 00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:11,851 FANTASTIC COMMITTEE HEARING TODAY. 113 00:04:11,852 --> 00:04:13,653 I WAS ELECTRIFYING. 114 00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:17,327 THE ENTIRE ZONING COMMISSION WAS HANGING ON MY EVERY WORD. 115 00:04:17,328 --> 00:04:19,459 HUH. LOOK WHAT ZANDER DREW FOR ME. 116 00:04:19,460 --> 00:04:21,791 AND NOW I'M HOME AND MY POWER TO CAPTIVATE IS GONE. 117 00:04:21,792 --> 00:04:23,663 NO, LOOK. ISN'T IT AWESOME? 118 00:04:23,664 --> 00:04:24,864 OH, SO AWESOME. 119 00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:26,666 I MEAN JUST AS AWESOME AS THE OTHER 30 DRAWINGS 120 00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:28,798 HE DID THAT LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME. 121 00:04:28,799 --> 00:04:29,999 NO, THIS IS DIFFERENT. 122 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:32,001 SEE, THIS IS ME LOOKING TO THE LEFT. 123 00:04:32,002 --> 00:04:36,746 BEST ONES ARE WHERE I'M LOOKING SLIGHTLY UP AND TO THE RIGHT. 124 00:04:36,747 --> 00:04:38,648 DOES THIS KID DRAW ANYTHING ELSE? 125 00:04:38,649 --> 00:04:40,310 ALL RIGHT, WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT? 126 00:04:40,311 --> 00:04:42,312 WELL, HONEY, HE'S OBSESSED WITH YOU. 127 00:04:42,313 --> 00:04:43,684 ENJOY IT. DOESN'T LAST LONG. 128 00:04:44,755 --> 00:04:45,985 HEY. 129 00:04:45,986 --> 00:04:47,657 OH MY... 130 00:04:47,658 --> 00:04:48,988 ARE YOU KIDDING ME? 131 00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:51,321 DOESN'T THIS GUY KNOW HOW TO DRAW ANYTHING ELSE? 132 00:04:51,322 --> 00:04:53,863 IT'S LIKE YOU'RE DATING A XEROX MACHINE. 133 00:04:53,864 --> 00:04:55,995 YOU TWO ARE DEAD INSIDE, 134 00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:58,668 LIKE HUSKS OF CORN LEFT OUT IN THE SUN. 135 00:04:58,669 --> 00:05:01,572 HUSKS OF CORN WHO BUY YOUR CLOTHES. 136 00:05:03,003 --> 00:05:05,004 WOW, I THOUGHT YOU MADE UP 137 00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:07,477 THE WHOLE FUNERAL STORY. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE THAT CLOSE TO THE MAILMAN. 138 00:05:07,478 --> 00:05:08,678 OH, THE MAILMAN'S FINE. 139 00:05:08,679 --> 00:05:10,810 ONLY THING THAT GOT BURIED TODAY WAS MY CAREER. 140 00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:11,912 ISN'T THAT OLD NEWS? 141 00:05:12,943 --> 00:05:15,715 I MEAN, AWW. 142 00:05:15,716 --> 00:05:17,517 YOU KNOW ZEV BUCHWALD FROM DOWN THE STREET, 143 00:05:17,518 --> 00:05:19,519 THE SPORTING GOODS GUY? HE'S EXPANDING CITY WIDE 144 00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:20,650 AND HE COMES UP TO ME THE OTHER DAY AND HE SAYS 145 00:05:20,651 --> 00:05:22,352 "HEY, JOE, WE COULD REALLY USE SOMEBODY LIKE YOU." 146 00:05:22,353 --> 00:05:24,994 - WELL, THAT SOUNDS POSITIVE. - YEAH, HIS MASSIVE EXPANSION 147 00:05:24,995 --> 00:05:27,997 MEANS HE NEEDS HELP AROUND THE HOUSE WORKING AS THE NANNY. 148 00:05:27,998 --> 00:05:30,660 YOU KNOW, PUSHING THE STROLLERS, WIPING THE BUTTS. 149 00:05:30,661 --> 00:05:32,662 WELL, YEAH, LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE... 150 00:05:32,663 --> 00:05:35,665 THE MAILMAN'S NOT DEAD. 151 00:05:35,666 --> 00:05:37,467 HERE'S THE THING THOUGH... THE OFFER HE GAVE ME 152 00:05:37,468 --> 00:05:39,569 WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD. AND I THINK I MAY EVEN GET HIM TO COME UP. 153 00:05:39,570 --> 00:05:41,841 WHAT? WHOA. ARE YOU NEGOTIATING A SALARY? 154 00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:44,674 NO, ARE YOU KIDDING? IF I TAKE ANOTHER JOB LIKE THIS, 155 00:05:44,675 --> 00:05:46,676 - THEN I REALLY WILL BE A NANNY. - WELL, AREN'T YOU ONE NOW? 156 00:05:46,677 --> 00:05:48,378 I'M JUST ASKING. 157 00:05:48,379 --> 00:05:50,349 NO, I'M NOT. I ONLY WORK AS A NANNY. 158 00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:52,822 ALL RIGHT, WHAT I AM IS AN EXECUTIVE IN TRANSITION 159 00:05:52,823 --> 00:05:54,784 WHO TOOK A TEMPORARY JOB TO TIDE HIM OVER. 160 00:05:54,785 --> 00:05:55,955 YEAH. THREE YEARS AGO. 161 00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:57,687 - I'M SORRY, WHAT WAS THAT? - NOTHING. 162 00:05:57,688 --> 00:06:00,860 YOU KNOW, IT'S OBVIOUS WHY THEY WANT YOU... 163 00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:02,662 RYDER AND LENNOX ARE GOOD KIDS. 164 00:06:02,663 --> 00:06:03,663 YOU'RE A BIG PART OF THAT. 165 00:06:03,664 --> 00:06:05,795 I'M AN EVEN BIGGER PART. ( chuckles ) 166 00:06:05,796 --> 00:06:08,468 BUT YOU KNOW, NUMBERS AREN'T IMPORTANT. IT'S NOT A PIE CHART. 167 00:06:08,469 --> 00:06:10,871 THERE'S ANOTHER THING YOU'RE GREAT AT... PIES. 168 00:06:12,142 --> 00:06:13,703 I DO MAKE A DAMN GOOD CHERRY PIE. 169 00:06:13,704 --> 00:06:15,004 WE ALL NEED YOU AROUND HERE, JOE. 170 00:06:15,005 --> 00:06:17,647 NO NO, YOU DON'T. YOU DON'T. 171 00:06:17,648 --> 00:06:19,008 LOOK, ALL RYDER'S FRIENDS DRIVE. 172 00:06:19,009 --> 00:06:21,010 LENNOX SPENDS ALL HER TIME WITH HER BOYFRIEND. 173 00:06:21,011 --> 00:06:23,553 SERIOUSLY, MEL, I GOT NOTHING TO DO HERE ALL DAY BUT LIFT WEIGHTS. 174 00:06:23,554 --> 00:06:25,755 I MEAN, LOOK AT ME, YOU KNOW? 175 00:06:25,756 --> 00:06:27,457 I'VE NEVER BEEN ANY HOTTER. 176 00:06:27,458 --> 00:06:29,689 AND YET I'M EMPTY INSIDE. 177 00:06:29,690 --> 00:06:32,021 I'M LIKE THIS INSANELY LEAN-CUT 178 00:06:32,022 --> 00:06:33,563 SHELL OF A MAN. 179 00:06:33,564 --> 00:06:35,665 I MEAN, GIVE ME ONE REASON WHY YOU NEED ME HERE... 180 00:06:35,666 --> 00:06:37,427 - WE... - ...BESIDES PIES, 181 00:06:37,428 --> 00:06:38,398 OR DINNER, 182 00:06:38,399 --> 00:06:39,929 OR ANYTHING THAT YOU CAN DIGEST. 183 00:06:39,930 --> 00:06:43,002 SURE THERE AREN'T THAT MANY MINUTE-TO-MINUTE THINGS WITH THE KIDS, 184 00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:44,434 BUT I THINK OF YOU LIKE... 185 00:06:44,435 --> 00:06:46,005 ( exhales ) LIKE... 186 00:06:46,006 --> 00:06:47,807 LIKE THIS FIRE EXTINGUISHER OVER HERE. 187 00:06:47,808 --> 00:06:49,739 OKAY, YOU DON'T NEED IT EVERY DAY, 188 00:06:49,740 --> 00:06:52,912 BUT WHEN YOU DO, IT'S RIGHT HERE WAITING FOR YOU. 189 00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:54,814 HANGING ON THE WALL. 190 00:06:54,815 --> 00:06:56,015 YEAH YEAH. 191 00:06:56,016 --> 00:06:58,147 I WANT YOU ON THAT WALL. I NEED YOU ON THAT WALL. 192 00:06:58,148 --> 00:07:00,150 READY TO SPRAY YOURSELF ALL OVER ANY PROBLEM. 193 00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:03,693 ( chuckles ) YOU KNOW, MAYBE... 194 00:07:03,694 --> 00:07:06,025 MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT. 195 00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:08,027 MAYBE THIS IS IT FOR ME, YOU KNOW? 196 00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:10,029 MAYBE I'M GONNA BE DOING THIS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. 197 00:07:10,030 --> 00:07:13,202 NANNY JOE. JOE THE NANNY. 198 00:07:13,203 --> 00:07:15,705 END OF STORY. 199 00:07:15,706 --> 00:07:17,837 - WHERE ARE YOU GOING? - I DON'T KNOW, BUT WHEN YOU SAY SOMETHING THAT FINAL 200 00:07:17,838 --> 00:07:20,540 YOU HAVE TO LEAVE THE ROOM OR ELSE YOU END UP LOOKING STUPID. 201 00:07:20,541 --> 00:07:21,741 JOE, STAY. 202 00:07:21,742 --> 00:07:24,074 I'M NOT SURE I CAN, BURKE. 203 00:07:31,582 --> 00:07:33,753 JOE'S SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING THE OFFER. 204 00:07:33,754 --> 00:07:36,155 HE MIGHT ACTUALLY GO WORK FOR THOSE AWFUL PEOPLE ACROSS THE STREET. 205 00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:38,027 THE BUCHWALDS ARE VERY NICE. 206 00:07:38,028 --> 00:07:39,859 WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON? 207 00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:41,631 FINE, I'LL BADMOUTH THE NEIGHBORS. 208 00:07:41,632 --> 00:07:44,594 THEIR MAILBOX PISSES ME OFF! 209 00:07:44,595 --> 00:07:47,036 CAN YOU HELP ME COME UP WITH SOMETHING TO KEEP JOE BUSY? 210 00:07:47,037 --> 00:07:48,898 HE THINKS THERE'S NO REASON FOR HIM TO BE HERE. 211 00:07:48,899 --> 00:07:51,000 UH, MAYBE 'CAUSE THERE'S NOT. 212 00:07:51,001 --> 00:07:53,644 YOU KNEW JOE WASN'T GONNA BE AROUND HERE FOREVER. 213 00:07:55,045 --> 00:07:56,906 IS THIS ABOUT LOSING AN EMPLOYEE, 214 00:07:56,907 --> 00:07:58,708 OR IS IT SOMETHING MORE? 215 00:07:58,709 --> 00:07:59,909 NO. 216 00:07:59,910 --> 00:08:01,751 IT'S LESS, MUCH LESS. 217 00:08:01,752 --> 00:08:03,553 I JUST WANT JOE TO FEEL WANTED... 218 00:08:03,554 --> 00:08:04,954 I MEAN, NECESSARY. 219 00:08:04,955 --> 00:08:07,557 AND I WILL FIND IMPORTANT NECESSARY THINGS FOR HIM TO DO. 220 00:08:07,558 --> 00:08:08,988 EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO MAKE STUFF UP? 221 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:11,121 OH PLEASE. I'M HARDLY THAT DESPERATE. 222 00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:13,524 SOLAR PANELS. 223 00:08:15,065 --> 00:08:17,026 - WHAT? - I'M GONNA GET JOE 224 00:08:17,027 --> 00:08:19,899 TO INSTALL SOLAR PANELS ALL OVER THE ROOF. 225 00:08:19,900 --> 00:08:21,771 IT'S PHYSICAL, IT'S DANGEROUS 226 00:08:21,772 --> 00:08:24,273 AND HE CAN WORK SHIRTLESS, WHICH HE OBVIOUSLY LIVES FOR. 227 00:08:24,274 --> 00:08:27,036 I AM GOOD. 228 00:08:27,037 --> 00:08:29,639 WAIT A MINUTE, DIDN'T JOE WANT TO INSTALL SOLAR PANELS 229 00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:31,681 LIKE TWO YEARS AGO AND YOU SAID NO? 230 00:08:31,682 --> 00:08:32,782 EXACTLY. 231 00:08:32,783 --> 00:08:33,913 IT'S GONNA LOOK LIKE I CAVED, 232 00:08:33,914 --> 00:08:35,915 AND JOE LOVES IT WHEN I CAVE. 233 00:08:35,916 --> 00:08:38,247 OH, BUT YOU'RE NOT REALLY CAVING, ARE YOU? 234 00:08:38,248 --> 00:08:39,589 OF COURSE NOT. 235 00:08:39,590 --> 00:08:41,250 I MANIPULATE, I BEND THE TRUTH, 236 00:08:41,251 --> 00:08:43,222 I STEAL DIET SUGAR PACKETS. 237 00:08:43,223 --> 00:08:44,755 BUT I NEVER CAVE. 238 00:08:47,898 --> 00:08:49,229 ( school bell ringing ) 239 00:08:50,761 --> 00:08:52,161 THE GUIDANCE COUNSELOR DOESN'T GET 240 00:08:52,162 --> 00:08:53,202 THAT I ONLY WANT TO APPLY TO ART SCHOOLS. 241 00:08:53,203 --> 00:08:55,565 HE IS A NARROW-MINDED ART HATER. 242 00:08:55,566 --> 00:08:56,666 NOT LIKE YOU. 243 00:08:56,667 --> 00:08:58,237 NO. I LOVE ART. 244 00:08:58,238 --> 00:08:59,909 I THINK ART IS CUTE AND I WANT TO KISS IT ON THE NOSE. 245 00:08:59,910 --> 00:09:01,070 ( kisses ) 246 00:09:01,071 --> 00:09:02,772 YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M GONNA TELL THAT 247 00:09:02,773 --> 00:09:04,914 LAME GUIDANCE COUNSELOR IT'S ART SCHOOL OR NOTHING 248 00:09:04,915 --> 00:09:05,915 WHEN I SEE HIM AT 1:00. 249 00:09:05,916 --> 00:09:08,718 UH, IT'S 1:15, HONEY. 250 00:09:08,719 --> 00:09:10,250 CRAP. HE'S GONNA SEND ME TO FLORIDA STATE. 251 00:09:16,657 --> 00:09:17,927 YOU KNOW FOR AN ARTIST, 252 00:09:17,928 --> 00:09:20,029 HE'S GOT A REALLY NICE BUTT. 253 00:09:20,030 --> 00:09:21,591 I KNOW. 254 00:09:21,592 --> 00:09:23,192 AND HE'S OBSESSED WITH ME. 255 00:09:23,193 --> 00:09:24,735 I DON'T KNOW HOW I LIVE WITH IT. 256 00:09:25,896 --> 00:09:27,236 IS THIS ZANDER'S SKETCH BOOK? 257 00:09:27,237 --> 00:09:28,638 YEAH. 258 00:09:28,639 --> 00:09:30,770 YOU KNOW HOW YOU CAN TELL? 259 00:09:30,771 --> 00:09:32,571 ME. 260 00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,244 OH, ME. 261 00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:37,907 STRANGE BRUNETTE. 262 00:09:37,908 --> 00:09:40,279 ME. 263 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:41,781 STRANGE BRUNETTE. 264 00:09:41,782 --> 00:09:43,182 STRANGE BRUNETTE AGAIN. 265 00:09:43,183 --> 00:09:45,785 - WHO IS SHE? - I DON'T KNOW, 266 00:09:45,786 --> 00:09:48,257 - BUT I'M GONNA FIND OUT. - SHE'S VERY PRETTY. 267 00:09:48,258 --> 00:09:49,790 YEAH, FOR NOW. 268 00:09:51,892 --> 00:09:53,793 LOOK AT THIS ELECTRIC BILL. 269 00:09:53,794 --> 00:09:55,224 IT IS SO HIGH. 270 00:09:55,225 --> 00:09:57,767 WHOO. 271 00:09:57,768 --> 00:09:58,999 HIGH. 272 00:10:00,931 --> 00:10:02,802 CHECK THIS. THE SCHOOL'S ALREADY POSTING PICS 273 00:10:02,803 --> 00:10:04,003 OF RYDER'S CAMPING TRIP. 274 00:10:04,004 --> 00:10:05,775 HERE'S RYDER PADDLING A CANOE. 275 00:10:05,776 --> 00:10:08,077 RYDER STANDING UP IN A CANOE. 276 00:10:08,078 --> 00:10:10,910 HERE'S TWO GUYS FISHING RYDER OUT OF THE WATER. 277 00:10:10,911 --> 00:10:13,112 WELL, I BET THERE'S NO PICTURE OF HIM 278 00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:15,044 TURNING OFF A LIGHT AFTER HE'S DONE USING IT. 279 00:10:15,045 --> 00:10:17,246 YOU KNOW, WE REALLY NEED SOME CHEAPER POWER. 280 00:10:17,247 --> 00:10:19,919 YOU KNOW? SOME DEPENDABLE ENERGY. 281 00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:21,390 AN ALTERNATIVE SOURCE. 282 00:10:21,391 --> 00:10:24,253 I DON'T KNOW. PANELS OF SOME KIND. 283 00:10:24,254 --> 00:10:26,796 PERHAPS SOLAR. 284 00:10:26,797 --> 00:10:29,098 I TOLD YOU THAT TWO YEARS AGO. 285 00:10:29,099 --> 00:10:30,259 OH MY GOSH, YOU DID. 286 00:10:30,260 --> 00:10:32,902 HA. BOY, OLDER AND WISER, HUH? 287 00:10:32,903 --> 00:10:33,933 YOU KNOW WHAT? 288 00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:35,965 I BET YOU COULD INSTALL THEM. 289 00:10:35,966 --> 00:10:37,907 ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU WERE WRONG AND I WAS RIGHT? 290 00:10:37,908 --> 00:10:39,809 THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING, JOE. 291 00:10:39,810 --> 00:10:42,842 THAT IS WHAT I'M SAYING. 292 00:10:42,843 --> 00:10:45,274 I'M NOT BUYING IT. I THINK YOU'RE MAKING THIS UP. 293 00:10:45,275 --> 00:10:46,716 YOU DON'T WANT SOLAR PANELS. 294 00:10:46,717 --> 00:10:48,117 YES, I DO. I DO WITH ALL MY HEART. 295 00:10:48,118 --> 00:10:50,219 NO. NO YOU DON'T. 296 00:10:50,220 --> 00:10:52,782 YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO KEEP ME BUSY. 297 00:10:52,783 --> 00:10:54,423 YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS? 298 00:10:54,424 --> 00:10:56,986 THIS IS A PITY SOLARIZATION. 299 00:10:56,987 --> 00:10:59,088 JOE, DOES IT REALLY MATTER? 300 00:10:59,089 --> 00:11:00,790 YES, IT DOES MATTER, OKAY? 301 00:11:00,791 --> 00:11:03,032 BECAUSE YOU'RE AFRAID TO SAY WHAT THIS IS REALLY ABOUT. 302 00:11:03,033 --> 00:11:04,393 THIS IS ABOUT YOU AND ME. 303 00:11:04,394 --> 00:11:05,935 I MEAN, IT'S PRETTY OBVIOUS. 304 00:11:05,936 --> 00:11:09,068 YOU KNOW, I'VE FELT IT FOR A LONG TIME TOO. 305 00:11:09,069 --> 00:11:10,269 YOU HAVE? 306 00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:13,402 WELL THEN, MAYBE YOU SHOULD SAY IT FIRST. 307 00:11:13,403 --> 00:11:14,804 OKAY, FINE. 308 00:11:14,805 --> 00:11:15,946 I WILL. 309 00:11:19,810 --> 00:11:21,680 YOU DON'T THINK I CAN GET ANOTHER JOB. 310 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:24,313 THAT'S IT. NO, THAT'S NOT... WAIT, THAT'S NOT IT. 311 00:11:24,314 --> 00:11:25,785 WHAT? OF COURSE YOU CAN GET ANOTHER JOB. 312 00:11:25,786 --> 00:11:27,086 NO NO. YOU DON'T THINK I CAN. 313 00:11:27,087 --> 00:11:28,257 BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA PROVE TO YOU 314 00:11:28,258 --> 00:11:29,789 THAT I ACTUALLY CAN GET ANOTHER JOB. 315 00:11:29,790 --> 00:11:30,920 I'M GONNA CALL THAT BUCHWALD GUY, 316 00:11:30,921 --> 00:11:32,061 AND IF THAT JOB IS STILL AVAILABLE, 317 00:11:32,062 --> 00:11:33,222 I'M TELLING HIM I'M TAKING IT. 318 00:11:33,223 --> 00:11:34,223 NOW GIVE ME YOUR CREDIT CARD. 319 00:11:34,224 --> 00:11:35,725 WHAT FOR? 320 00:11:35,726 --> 00:11:37,066 OH, I'M STILL PUTTING UP THE SOLAR PANELS. 321 00:11:37,067 --> 00:11:38,068 A GOOD IDEA'S A GOOD IDEA. 322 00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:42,932 NO MYSTERY GIRL. 323 00:11:42,933 --> 00:11:43,933 I'VE ALREADY BEEN THROUGH 324 00:11:43,934 --> 00:11:46,736 ALL 853 OF ZANDER'S FACEBOOK FRIENDS. 325 00:11:46,737 --> 00:11:48,077 NOW I'M CHECKING FRIENDS OF FRIENDS. 326 00:11:48,078 --> 00:11:51,010 THAT'S ANOTHER LIKE 600,000 PEOPLE. 327 00:11:51,011 --> 00:11:53,212 I MAY HAVE TO SKIP P.E. 328 00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:55,284 YOU ARE HANDLING THIS SO WELL. 329 00:11:55,285 --> 00:11:58,948 IT'S LIKE JEALOUSY HAS GIVEN YOU SUPER STRENGTH. 330 00:11:58,949 --> 00:12:02,291 YOU KNOW, MAYBE I CAN'T FIND HER 331 00:12:02,292 --> 00:12:04,453 BECAUSE HE MADE HER UP. I MEAN, HE'S AN ARTIST. 332 00:12:04,454 --> 00:12:06,095 THEY MAKE STUFF UP ALL THE TIME. 333 00:12:06,096 --> 00:12:08,397 MAYBE, BUT YOU'LL NEVER KNOW FOR SURE 334 00:12:08,398 --> 00:12:10,029 UNLESS YOU ASK HIM. 335 00:12:10,030 --> 00:12:12,932 HEY, GUYS, DID YOU HAPPEN TO SEE MY SKETCH BOOK? 336 00:12:12,933 --> 00:12:14,263 I THINK I LEFT IT AROUND HERE. 337 00:12:14,264 --> 00:12:17,037 AH, THERE IT IS. THANK GOD. 338 00:12:17,938 --> 00:12:20,010 YOU DIDN'T LOOK INSIDE, DID YOU? 339 00:12:21,812 --> 00:12:22,942 WHAT FOR? 340 00:12:22,943 --> 00:12:24,944 I MEAN, WE ALL KNOW WHAT'S INSIDE OF IT. 341 00:12:24,945 --> 00:12:26,345 PICTURES OF ME, RIGHT? 342 00:12:26,346 --> 00:12:27,978 YEAH. YEAH. 343 00:12:29,019 --> 00:12:31,020 YES. 344 00:12:31,021 --> 00:12:32,952 YOU KNOW, IT MUST BE BORING JUST DRAWING ME. 345 00:12:32,953 --> 00:12:34,824 YOU PROBABLY WANT TO DRAW SOMETHING ELSE 346 00:12:34,825 --> 00:12:35,985 EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE, DON'T YOU? 347 00:12:35,986 --> 00:12:37,827 NOPE. 348 00:12:37,828 --> 00:12:39,088 NO, NOT THIS GUY. 349 00:12:39,089 --> 00:12:40,459 IN FACT, I'M GONNA GO HOME AND DRAW YOU 350 00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:41,992 RIGHT NOW. 351 00:12:43,493 --> 00:12:44,534 FROM MEMORY. 352 00:12:46,967 --> 00:12:48,938 HE TOTALLY DID NOT MAKE HER UP. 353 00:12:48,939 --> 00:12:51,942 SHE'S AS REAL AS THE GUILTY LOOK ON HIS ADORABLE LITTLE FACE. 354 00:12:54,875 --> 00:12:56,806 SO THE BUCHWALDS SAID I COULD START OVER THERE 355 00:12:56,807 --> 00:12:59,148 PART TIME DURING THE DAY WHEN IT'S QUIET HERE LOOKING AFTER THE KIDS, 356 00:12:59,149 --> 00:13:00,980 AND I CAN SLOWLY TRANSITION INTO FULL TIME. 357 00:13:00,981 --> 00:13:03,082 I DON'T ACCEPT THIS. YOU CAN'T JUST UP AND LEAVE. 358 00:13:03,083 --> 00:13:05,915 YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME AT LEAST TWO YEARS NOTICE. 359 00:13:05,916 --> 00:13:07,356 TWO YEARS? 360 00:13:07,357 --> 00:13:10,019 LOOK, THERE ARE THINGS I'LL MISS IF YOU GO. 361 00:13:10,020 --> 00:13:12,221 - LIKE WHAT? - EVERYTHING. I DON'T KNOW. 362 00:13:12,222 --> 00:13:14,293 - ( cellphone ringing ) - SHUT UP. 363 00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:16,826 LOOK, I'M JUST SAYING THINK ABOUT IT 364 00:13:16,827 --> 00:13:18,397 AND THEN DECIDE TO STAY RIGHT HERE. 365 00:13:18,398 --> 00:13:20,870 BURKE, I ALREADY TOLD THE BUCHWALDS 366 00:13:20,871 --> 00:13:22,301 THAT I WOULD START LOOKING AFTER THEIR LITTLE BABY TOMORROW. 367 00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:25,304 A BABY? DO YOU HOW SELFISH BABIES ARE? 368 00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:26,976 - ( phone rings ) - ( groans ) 369 00:13:26,977 --> 00:13:28,307 LEAVE US ALONE. 370 00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:29,979 I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF AN IMPORTANT CONVERSATION. 371 00:13:29,980 --> 00:13:31,480 COME ON. IT'S NOT GONNA BE THAT BAD. 372 00:13:31,481 --> 00:13:33,812 SERIOUSLY, WHAT DO YOU NEED ME FOR AROUND HERE ANYMORE? 373 00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:35,814 - ( cellphone rings ) - TELL THEM TO GO AWAY. 374 00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,186 OH, IT'S THE SCHOOL. 375 00:13:37,187 --> 00:13:39,818 THIS IS JOE LONGO. 376 00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:41,120 YEAH, HOLD ON A SECOND. 377 00:13:41,121 --> 00:13:43,092 EVERYBODY'S OKAY, BUT THEY NEED TO SPEAK 378 00:13:43,093 --> 00:13:45,995 - WITH RYDER'S GUARDIAN. - THIS IS MEL BURKE. 379 00:13:45,996 --> 00:13:47,557 UH-HUH. 380 00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:49,960 SMOKING POT? 381 00:13:51,031 --> 00:13:52,902 BETTER BE THIS KIND. 382 00:13:52,903 --> 00:13:54,964 I'LL BE RIGHT THERE. 383 00:13:54,965 --> 00:13:56,835 ALL RIGHT. JOEY, YOU'RE GOING WITH ME. 384 00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:58,237 - AND YOU'RE DRIVING. - HOW COME? 385 00:13:58,238 --> 00:14:00,039 'CAUSE IT'S WRONG TO DRINK AND DRIVE. 386 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:01,310 WAIT WAIT WAIT. 387 00:14:01,311 --> 00:14:02,842 OUT OUT. LET'S GO. 388 00:14:06,116 --> 00:14:07,116 SO THE VICE PRINCIPAL BROUGHT OUR WHOLE GROUP IN 389 00:14:07,117 --> 00:14:09,178 ONE-BY-ONE AND ASKED US WHO SMOKED. 390 00:14:09,179 --> 00:14:10,980 THERE WERE FIVE OF US WHO DID IT, 391 00:14:10,981 --> 00:14:12,521 BUT I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO TOLD THE TRUTH, 392 00:14:12,522 --> 00:14:14,183 SO I'M THE ONLY ONE IN TROUBLE. 393 00:14:14,184 --> 00:14:17,326 HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID TO SMOKE POT ON A SCHOOL TRIP? 394 00:14:17,327 --> 00:14:19,890 HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID TO BE THE ONLY ONE TO ADMIT IT? 395 00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:24,163 THAT'S NICE, BURKE. WAY TO INSTILL VALUES. 396 00:14:24,164 --> 00:14:26,295 YEAH, I'M TRYING TO INSTILL COMMON SENSE. 397 00:14:26,296 --> 00:14:27,167 YOU DON'T HAVE TO ADMIT TO STUFF, 398 00:14:27,168 --> 00:14:28,538 WHEN THEY DON'T HAVE THE GOODS ON YOU. 399 00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:31,270 CAN YOU FIND THE POLITICIAN IN THE ROOM, ANYONE? 400 00:14:31,271 --> 00:14:34,173 OH, FORGIVE ME FOR HAVING SURVIVAL INSTINCTS. 401 00:14:34,174 --> 00:14:35,304 YOU GUYS, 402 00:14:35,305 --> 00:14:36,645 SHOULDN'T YOU BE FOCUSING ON RYDER 403 00:14:36,646 --> 00:14:38,207 AND HOW HE'S DEALING WITH ALL OF THIS? 404 00:14:38,208 --> 00:14:39,979 NO NO. LET THEM GO AFTER EACH OTHER. 405 00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:42,051 NO NEED TO FOCUS ON ME. 406 00:14:42,052 --> 00:14:44,054 OH NO NO. THE FOCUS IS ON YOU, SNOOP. 407 00:14:45,515 --> 00:14:47,116 SAYS HERE THERE'S A DISCIPLINARY HEARING 408 00:14:47,117 --> 00:14:49,288 FOR RYDER AND HIS PARENTS SLASH GUARDIANS TOMORROW. 409 00:14:49,289 --> 00:14:50,389 THIS IS SO BOGUS. 410 00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:52,321 IT WAS JOSH WHO BROUGHT THE WEED. 411 00:14:52,322 --> 00:14:54,323 I NEVER EVEN SMOKED BEFORE. 412 00:14:54,324 --> 00:14:57,026 I JUST FIGURED WHAT'S THE HARM IN TRYING IT? 413 00:14:57,027 --> 00:14:59,028 OH, SO YOUR JUDGMENT WAS WORSE 414 00:14:59,029 --> 00:15:01,270 BEFORE YOU SMOKED POT? 415 00:15:01,271 --> 00:15:02,901 ALL RIGHT, WELL, 416 00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:04,374 THE MEETING'S TOMORROW AT 4:20. 417 00:15:07,337 --> 00:15:09,238 I HAVE TO MOVE SOME STUFF, BUT I'LL BE THERE. 418 00:15:09,239 --> 00:15:11,110 I WISH I COULD BE THERE, BUT UNFORTUNATELY I ALREADY TOLD 419 00:15:11,111 --> 00:15:13,012 THE BUCHWALDS I'D WATCH THEIR SIX-MONTH-OLD BABY TOMORROW. 420 00:15:13,013 --> 00:15:14,384 DIDN'T EVEN GET HIGH... 421 00:15:16,016 --> 00:15:17,516 UNLESS THIS IS ALL A HALLUCINATION 422 00:15:17,517 --> 00:15:19,689 AND I'M STILL ON THE CAMPING TRIP. 423 00:15:21,051 --> 00:15:22,392 WELCOME HOME, PUFF DADDY. 424 00:15:24,454 --> 00:15:26,555 FRIENDS OF FRIENDS OF FRIENDS. 425 00:15:26,556 --> 00:15:28,597 ( groans ) I HAVE LOOKED AT SO MANY FACES 426 00:15:28,598 --> 00:15:31,260 ALL WHITE PEOPLE LOOK THE SAME TO ME. 427 00:15:31,261 --> 00:15:33,532 I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN KEEP DOING THIS. 428 00:15:33,533 --> 00:15:35,264 MY THUMBS ARE CRAMPING. 429 00:15:35,265 --> 00:15:36,365 OH, SUCK IT UP, NOELLE. 430 00:15:36,366 --> 00:15:39,068 THIS GIRL ISN'T GONNA FIND HERSELF. 431 00:15:39,069 --> 00:15:41,510 LENNOX, I DON'T THINK SHE EXISTS. 432 00:15:41,511 --> 00:15:44,344 MAYBE YOU WERE RIGHT AND SHE'S JUST A PICTURE IN A NOTEBOOK. 433 00:15:46,046 --> 00:15:47,176 YEAH. YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. 434 00:15:47,177 --> 00:15:49,518 I'M REALLY JUST DRIVING MYSELF CRAZY 435 00:15:49,519 --> 00:15:50,619 FOR NOTHING. 436 00:15:50,620 --> 00:15:52,051 REFILL? 437 00:15:52,052 --> 00:15:53,122 NO THANKS, WE'RE DONE. 438 00:15:53,123 --> 00:15:54,554 COMPLETELY DONE. 439 00:15:58,628 --> 00:15:59,658 ( gasps ) 440 00:15:59,659 --> 00:16:01,261 ( gasps ) 441 00:16:02,662 --> 00:16:05,335 DIDN'T MEAN TO SCARE YOU WITH THE COFFEE. 442 00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:13,372 YOU LOOK SO NICE, AUNT MEL. 443 00:16:13,373 --> 00:16:15,204 SAVE IT. 444 00:16:15,205 --> 00:16:17,176 BUT THANKS. THIS IS A NEW BLAZER. 445 00:16:17,177 --> 00:16:19,178 RYDER, WE'RE READY FOR YOU. 446 00:16:19,179 --> 00:16:20,209 YOU'RE MRS. SCANLON? 447 00:16:20,210 --> 00:16:22,051 NO, I'M HIS AUNT, MEL BURKE. 448 00:16:22,052 --> 00:16:24,353 HIS MOTHER AND FATHER AREN'T AVAILABLE. 449 00:16:24,354 --> 00:16:25,384 SO IT'S JUST YOU? 450 00:16:25,385 --> 00:16:26,485 YEP, IT'S JUST ME. 451 00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:28,017 I MADE IT. FANTASTIC. 452 00:16:28,018 --> 00:16:29,218 JOE. 453 00:16:29,219 --> 00:16:30,619 YOU'RE HERE. I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU COULDN'T... 454 00:16:30,620 --> 00:16:32,461 YEAH WELL, I FIGURED THIS WAS A FIRE-EXTINGUISHER MOMENT 455 00:16:32,462 --> 00:16:33,462 IF THERE EVER WAS ONE, RIGHT? 456 00:16:33,463 --> 00:16:34,523 I WOULD AGREE WITH THAT. 457 00:16:34,524 --> 00:16:36,195 - AND YOU ARE? - OH, JOE LONGO. 458 00:16:36,196 --> 00:16:38,527 HI. YEAH. TUCKER BUCHWALD. 459 00:16:38,528 --> 00:16:40,329 JOE'S A VERY BIG PART OF THIS. 460 00:16:40,330 --> 00:16:42,331 I'M A BIG PART. 461 00:16:42,332 --> 00:16:44,103 ALL RIGHT. COME IN. 462 00:16:44,104 --> 00:16:47,076 RYDER, ARE YOU READY? 463 00:16:47,077 --> 00:16:48,407 - BURKE, YOU FEELING GOOD? - BETTER NOW. 464 00:16:48,408 --> 00:16:49,739 OKAY, LET'S ROLL. 465 00:16:53,213 --> 00:16:56,085 ZANDER, I'M THINKING ABOUT DYING MY HAIR. 466 00:16:56,086 --> 00:16:57,646 WOULD YOU LIKE ME BETTER AS A BRUNETTE? 467 00:16:57,647 --> 00:17:00,049 I'D LIKE YOU BETTER THE WAY YOU ARE. 468 00:17:00,050 --> 00:17:01,450 OH, REALLY? 469 00:17:01,451 --> 00:17:03,623 SO YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME BETTER IF I LOOKED LIKE THIS? 470 00:17:04,724 --> 00:17:05,724 OH BOY. 471 00:17:05,725 --> 00:17:07,356 WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HER? 472 00:17:07,357 --> 00:17:09,128 IT'S NOTHING. I PROMISE. 473 00:17:09,129 --> 00:17:10,559 ZANDER, YOU DON'T HIDE NOTHING. 474 00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:12,261 LOOK, I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER NAME. 475 00:17:12,262 --> 00:17:13,532 I JUST SIT AT THE COFFEE SHOP 476 00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:15,064 AND I DRAW HER WHEN SHE'S NOT LOOKING. 477 00:17:15,065 --> 00:17:16,535 OH, THAT'S NOT TOO CREEPY. 478 00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:18,607 THAT MAKES ME FEEL MUCH BETTER. 479 00:17:18,608 --> 00:17:21,110 WHY ARE YOU DRAWING ANOTHER GIRL? 480 00:17:21,111 --> 00:17:23,372 BECAUSE I CAN TOTALLY CAPTURE HER ON PAPER. 481 00:17:23,373 --> 00:17:25,214 I GOT HER, RIGHT? 482 00:17:25,215 --> 00:17:26,545 TOTALLY. 483 00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:28,217 WHEREAS I CAN NEVER GET YOU. 484 00:17:28,218 --> 00:17:30,149 I DRAW YOU AND I DRAW YOU, 485 00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:31,220 AND I NEVER EVEN COME CLOSE. 486 00:17:31,221 --> 00:17:33,282 IT'S JUST SO... IT'S SO FRUSTRATING. 487 00:17:33,283 --> 00:17:35,224 SO I WENT OFF AND I FOUND A GIRL THAT WAS EASIER. 488 00:17:35,225 --> 00:17:37,127 WHAT? 489 00:17:38,228 --> 00:17:39,429 SIMPLER TO DRAW. 490 00:17:40,460 --> 00:17:41,730 YOU'RE JUST... 491 00:17:41,731 --> 00:17:43,192 YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL. 492 00:17:43,193 --> 00:17:45,364 I CAN NEVER GET IT DOWN ON PAPER. 493 00:17:45,365 --> 00:17:47,566 YOU COULD HAVE JUST TOLD ME. 494 00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:49,798 I THOUGHT YOU'D GET JEALOUS. 495 00:17:49,799 --> 00:17:50,839 ME? 496 00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:53,543 ( laughing ) THAT'S CRAZY. 497 00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:56,545 YEAH, I GUESS. WELL, I PROMISE 498 00:17:56,546 --> 00:17:57,546 I WON'T DRAW HER ANYMORE. 499 00:17:57,547 --> 00:18:00,209 NO. DRAW WHATEVER YOU LIKE, 500 00:18:00,210 --> 00:18:02,211 WHATEVER INSPIRES YOU. 501 00:18:02,212 --> 00:18:03,382 JUST NOT GIRLS. 502 00:18:03,383 --> 00:18:05,115 - I LEAVE THAT UP TO YOU. - UNDERSTOOD. 503 00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:11,360 HEY, DUDE, HOW'D IT GO? OH, TERRIFIC. 504 00:18:11,361 --> 00:18:13,462 I'LL BE UPSTAIRS FOR THE NEXT FEW YEARS IF ANYBODY NEEDS ME. 505 00:18:13,463 --> 00:18:15,664 EXPELLED OR SUSPENDED? 506 00:18:15,665 --> 00:18:17,566 SUSPENDED FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR. 507 00:18:17,567 --> 00:18:19,628 IT'S THEIR ZERO-TOLERANCE POLICY. 508 00:18:19,629 --> 00:18:20,829 MAN, THAT SUCKS. 509 00:18:20,830 --> 00:18:23,273 OH, YOU ARE SO SWEET. 510 00:18:24,334 --> 00:18:26,206 OKAY, EVERY HAPPY PERSON HAS TO LEAVE. 511 00:18:29,209 --> 00:18:30,209 BUP BUP BUP BUP BUP. 512 00:18:30,210 --> 00:18:32,212 YOU UP, YOU OUT. 513 00:18:34,544 --> 00:18:37,386 THAT'S THREE MONTHS OF THE SCHOOL YEAR AT HOME. 514 00:18:37,387 --> 00:18:39,218 WHAT HAPPENS TO HIS EDUCATION? 515 00:18:39,219 --> 00:18:41,320 GAVE US THIS LIST OF TUTORS, WE CAN CHOOSE ONE OF THESE. 516 00:18:41,321 --> 00:18:42,591 OH GREAT. A BUNCH OF CHUMPS 517 00:18:42,592 --> 00:18:44,353 WHO COULDN'T GET A JOB AT A PUBLIC SCHOOL. 518 00:18:44,354 --> 00:18:46,155 WE COULD JUST FORGET ABOUT COLLEGE. 519 00:18:46,156 --> 00:18:47,426 WHY DON'T WE JUST TAKE HIM DOWN TO THE STREET CORNER 520 00:18:47,427 --> 00:18:48,757 RIGHT NOW AND TEACH HIM HOW TO DANCE WITH ONE OF THOSE 521 00:18:48,758 --> 00:18:51,530 "APARTMENT FOR RENT" SIGNS. 522 00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:53,562 THESE ARE ALL HIGHLY TRAINED PROFESSIONALS, MEL. 523 00:18:53,563 --> 00:18:55,364 ALL RIGHT? WE'LL JUST PICK A NAME. 524 00:18:55,365 --> 00:18:56,565 YOU KNOW WHAT? 525 00:18:56,566 --> 00:18:58,767 I'M NOT USING ANYBODY ON THAT LIST. 526 00:18:58,768 --> 00:19:01,870 'CAUSE AS IT HAPPENS, I KNOW THE BEST TUTOR AVAILABLE. 527 00:19:01,871 --> 00:19:04,213 YEAH? YOU GOT A RESUME FOR THE GUY? 528 00:19:04,214 --> 00:19:05,315 ( cellphone ringing ) 529 00:19:08,548 --> 00:19:11,149 - WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - COME ON, JOE. 530 00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:12,921 I'M NOT PLAYING THIS. THIS IS A SILLY GAME. 531 00:19:12,922 --> 00:19:14,383 I'M NOT... WE COULD JUST... WE'RE RIGHT HERE. 532 00:19:14,384 --> 00:19:16,455 - WE CAN... HELLO? - ( beeps ) 533 00:19:16,456 --> 00:19:19,328 YOU ARE THE WORLD'S GREATEST EXPERT AT EVERYTHING. 534 00:19:19,329 --> 00:19:21,460 OKAY, YOU JUST MADE A REALLY GOOD POINT. I'M LISTENING. 535 00:19:21,461 --> 00:19:25,294 HE NEEDS SOMEBODY, JOE. AND WHO BETTER? 536 00:19:25,295 --> 00:19:26,895 YOU KNOW YOU SAID YOU HAD NOTHING TO DO? 537 00:19:26,896 --> 00:19:28,897 THIS WOULD BE SOMETHING REALLY IMPORTANT TO DO. 538 00:19:28,898 --> 00:19:30,769 LOOK, BURKE, I COMMITTED TO THE... 539 00:19:30,770 --> 00:19:32,241 OKAY, BURKE... OKAY. 540 00:19:32,242 --> 00:19:33,572 BURKE, I COMMITTED TO THE BUCHWALDS. 541 00:19:33,573 --> 00:19:34,903 THAT WAS NEVER GONNA WORK OUT, OKAY? 542 00:19:34,904 --> 00:19:37,476 THAT SELFISH BABY WAS GONNA SUCK UP ALL YOUR TIME. 543 00:19:37,477 --> 00:19:39,578 AND THIS WAY YOU GET TO STAY HERE 544 00:19:39,579 --> 00:19:40,909 WITH A PROMOTION. 545 00:19:40,910 --> 00:19:42,751 YOU KNOW, STILL DO ALL THE NANNY STUFF. 546 00:19:42,752 --> 00:19:45,414 I GET PIE. EVERYBODY'S HAPPY. 547 00:19:45,415 --> 00:19:47,216 ( sighs ) 548 00:19:47,217 --> 00:19:49,758 I GUESS TEACHING RYDER HOW THE WORLD WORKS 549 00:19:49,759 --> 00:19:51,890 WOULD BE SLIGHTLY MORE REWARDING THAN 550 00:19:51,891 --> 00:19:54,224 - CHANGING DIAPERS. - SURE IS. 551 00:19:55,565 --> 00:19:57,896 WOW. JOE LONGO, 552 00:19:57,897 --> 00:20:00,229 ACADEMIC TUTOR, HUH? 553 00:20:00,230 --> 00:20:02,331 NEVER REALLY SAW THAT COMING. 554 00:20:02,332 --> 00:20:03,902 WELL, THAT'S THE THING WITH THESE OLDER KIDS. 555 00:20:03,903 --> 00:20:05,574 YOU KNOW, THERE'S LESS TO DO MINUTE TO MINUTE, 556 00:20:05,575 --> 00:20:07,236 BUT WHEN A PARENTING MOMENT HITS, 557 00:20:07,237 --> 00:20:08,577 IT'S A FRIGGIN' TSUNAMI. 558 00:20:08,578 --> 00:20:10,239 AND WHEN IT COMES TO DEALING WITH KIDS, 559 00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:11,410 THERE REALLY ISN'T ANYONE BETTER THAN I AM. 560 00:20:11,411 --> 00:20:12,911 YOU GOT THAT RIGHT. 561 00:20:12,912 --> 00:20:14,643 HEY, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BUCHWALD KID? 562 00:20:14,644 --> 00:20:16,245 THE WHAT? 563 00:20:16,246 --> 00:20:17,747 OH, CRAP. THE BABY. 564 00:20:19,249 --> 00:20:21,621 OH. I LEFT HIM ON THE PORCH. 565 00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:27,226 ( chuckles ) HEY, BUDDY. 566 00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:30,900 DON'T TELL YOUR MOM AND DAD. 567 00:20:36,766 --> 00:20:38,437 SO IN SUMMATION, THIS COUNTRY'S GREATNESS COMES 568 00:20:38,438 --> 00:20:40,469 FROM OUR WESTERN EXPANSION, WHICH IS AN EXPRESSION 569 00:20:40,470 --> 00:20:42,541 OF OUR ENTREPRENEURIAL SPIRIT CHARACTERIZED BY WHO? 570 00:20:42,542 --> 00:20:44,242 BUSINESSMAN, ALL RIGHT, 571 00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:46,745 WHO'S ACTUALLY THE REAL HERO OF THE AMERICAN STORY. 572 00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:48,377 THIS IS YOUR LESSON? 573 00:20:48,378 --> 00:20:49,448 WHAT ABOUT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT 574 00:20:49,449 --> 00:20:50,549 WHO MADE ALL OF THAT POSSIBLE? 575 00:20:50,550 --> 00:20:51,920 ( scoffs ) ARE YOU KIDDING ME? 576 00:20:51,921 --> 00:20:53,282 ALL THE GOVERNMENT DID WAS GET IN OUR WAY. 577 00:20:53,283 --> 00:20:54,453 IF YOU GUYS ARE JUST GONNA GO... 578 00:20:54,454 --> 00:20:55,784 LINCOLN GOT IN THE WAY? 579 00:20:55,785 --> 00:20:57,756 GEORGE FREAKIN' WASHINGTON GOT IN THE WAY?! 580 00:20:57,757 --> 00:20:59,588 - WHAT IF I JUST... - WHO'S ON OUR MONEY, JOE? 581 00:20:59,589 --> 00:21:01,530 HENRY FORD? DONALD TRUMP? 582 00:21:01,531 --> 00:21:02,931 AUNT JEMIMAH? 583 00:21:02,932 --> 00:21:04,963 IS ANY OF THIS GONNA BE ON THE TEST? 584 00:21:04,964 --> 00:21:07,296 THEY SHOULD BE BECAUSE THEY MADE THIS COUNTRY. 585 00:21:07,297 --> 00:21:10,339 NO, THEY MADE THIS COUNTRY BREAKFAST. 586 00:21:10,340 --> 00:21:12,371 I HATE PARENT-TEACHER CONFERENCES. 587 00:21:12,372 --> 00:21:13,502 THEY MADE THIS COUNTRY GREAT. 588 00:21:13,503 --> 00:21:14,643 YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE GREAT? 589 00:21:14,644 --> 00:21:16,044 IS IF YOU WENT ON THE ROOF RIGHT NOW 590 00:21:16,045 --> 00:21:17,376 AND INSTALLED THOSE SOLAR PANELS THAT HAVE BEEN 591 00:21:17,377 --> 00:21:19,308 - SITTING OUTSIDE... - YEAH, THAT WOULD BE GREAT. 592 00:21:19,309 --> 00:21:20,579 BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I'M DOING RIGHT NOW? I'M EDUCATING. 593 00:21:20,580 --> 00:21:22,581 - I'M EXPANDING HIS MIND. - EDUCATE THE ROOF. 594 00:21:22,582 --> 00:21:24,583 - I'M EXPANDING HIS MIND. - GO EDUCATE THE ROOF. 595 00:21:24,584 --> 00:21:25,985 - I WILL EDUCATE... - SOLAR PANELS!