1 00:00:07,608 --> 00:00:08,738 "MELISSA AND JOEY" IS RECORDED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE. 2 00:00:08,739 --> 00:00:11,341 HEY, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COULD USE THIS. 3 00:00:11,342 --> 00:00:13,643 WHY, THANK YOU. NEW DRESS. LOOKS GREAT ON YOU. 4 00:00:13,644 --> 00:00:16,616 OH, CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT. 5 00:00:16,617 --> 00:00:19,789 YEAH, YOU KNOW, YOU HAVEN'T REALLY BEEN ARGUING WITH ME ABOUT ANYTHING LATELY. 6 00:00:19,790 --> 00:00:21,121 WE'RE GETTING ALONG REALLY WELL. 7 00:00:21,122 --> 00:00:22,422 OH MY GOD, ARE YOU DYING? 8 00:00:22,423 --> 00:00:24,354 NO. 9 00:00:24,355 --> 00:00:25,355 ARE YOU? 10 00:00:25,356 --> 00:00:27,558 ( chuckles ) PLEASE. LOOK AT ME. 11 00:00:29,130 --> 00:00:30,600 I THINK ONE OF THE REASONS WE'RE GETTING ALONG SO WELL 12 00:00:30,601 --> 00:00:32,662 IS BECAUSE I'M FINALLY DATING SOMEBODY I REALLY LIKE. 13 00:00:32,663 --> 00:00:34,464 YOU KNOW, ERIC IS NICE, 14 00:00:34,465 --> 00:00:36,536 HOT, SMART, 15 00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:37,737 HOT. 16 00:00:37,738 --> 00:00:40,210 I'M NOT EVEN FREAKED OUT THAT HE'S A SINGLE PARENT. 17 00:00:40,211 --> 00:00:42,412 I'M FINALLY DATING A REAL GROWN-UP. 18 00:00:42,413 --> 00:00:43,673 A HOT ONE. 19 00:00:43,674 --> 00:00:45,475 YOU KNOW, I AM ACTUALLY ALSO 20 00:00:45,476 --> 00:00:47,477 DATING A GROWN-UP WHO IS ALSO VERY HOT. 21 00:00:47,478 --> 00:00:50,150 - AND COINCIDENTALLY, LAUREN... - LA LA LA LA. DON'T TELL ME, DON'T TELL ME. 22 00:00:50,151 --> 00:00:51,621 I THINK THAT'S ANOTHER REASON WE'RE GETTING ALONG SO WELL. 23 00:00:51,622 --> 00:00:53,683 YOU HAVE YOUR THING, I HAVE MINE. 24 00:00:53,684 --> 00:00:54,784 WE SHOULD JUST KEEP OUR THINGS SEPARATE. 25 00:00:54,785 --> 00:00:56,626 AGREED. OUR THINGS... 26 00:00:56,627 --> 00:00:58,488 WILL NEVER TOUCH. 27 00:00:58,489 --> 00:00:59,629 ( doorbell rings ) 28 00:00:59,630 --> 00:01:00,830 MM. 29 00:01:00,831 --> 00:01:02,632 THAT'S ERIC. GET SEPARATE FAST. 30 00:01:02,633 --> 00:01:03,634 GLADLY. 31 00:01:06,637 --> 00:01:08,098 - HEY, SEXY... - HEY. 32 00:01:08,099 --> 00:01:09,369 LITTLE KID. 33 00:01:09,370 --> 00:01:12,142 I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND. 34 00:01:12,143 --> 00:01:13,603 I BROUGHT A WINGMAN. 35 00:01:13,604 --> 00:01:14,674 MEL, THIS IS DANIEL. 36 00:01:14,675 --> 00:01:16,806 HEY, LITTLE MAN. 37 00:01:16,807 --> 00:01:19,380 I DON'T MEAN LITTLE. I MEAN, YOU'LL PROBABLY GROW. 38 00:01:20,611 --> 00:01:22,682 OH, I'M SORRY. 39 00:01:22,683 --> 00:01:24,284 MY EX... ( whispers ) THE DRAGON LADY, 40 00:01:24,285 --> 00:01:25,615 ( normal voice ) FLAKED ON ME AGAIN. 41 00:01:25,616 --> 00:01:27,687 JUST GAVE ME ONE OF HER SURPRISE TEXTS. 42 00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:29,489 I UNDERSTAND. 43 00:01:29,490 --> 00:01:32,162 YOU'RE THE RESPONSIBLE ONE SO YOU PICK UP THE SLACK. 44 00:01:32,163 --> 00:01:34,294 YOU MUST BE PICKING UP A LOT OF SLACK THESE DAYS, 45 00:01:34,295 --> 00:01:35,495 'CAUSE YOU ARE VERY FIRM UP THERE. 46 00:01:35,496 --> 00:01:36,726 ( both chuckle ) 47 00:01:36,727 --> 00:01:39,098 SORRY FOR THE CHANGE OF PLANS. 48 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:42,202 WHAT? I'M SORRY, I WAS IN MY HAPPY PLACE. 49 00:01:42,203 --> 00:01:44,834 HEY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME OUT WITH DANIEL AND I TONIGHT? 50 00:01:44,835 --> 00:01:47,177 I CAN PROMISE YOU SOME CRAPPY PIZZA, 51 00:01:47,178 --> 00:01:49,379 A BALL PIT AND A LOUD OBNOXIOUS CLOWN. 52 00:01:49,380 --> 00:01:51,341 SURE. YEAH, I'M EASY... 53 00:01:51,342 --> 00:01:53,743 TO GET ALONG WITH. 54 00:01:53,744 --> 00:01:55,415 - HEY, ERIC. - HI, JOE. 55 00:01:55,416 --> 00:01:57,387 - IS THAT YOUR KID? - SURE IS. 56 00:01:57,388 --> 00:01:58,748 HEY, WHAT'S UP, BUDDY. I'M JOE. 57 00:01:58,749 --> 00:02:00,290 WHAT ARE THESE FOR? 58 00:02:00,291 --> 00:02:02,652 WELL, YOU CAN DO A LOT OF THINGS WITH THOSE. 59 00:02:02,653 --> 00:02:04,494 YOU CAN JUGGLE. SEE, LOOK AT THAT. 60 00:02:04,495 --> 00:02:05,495 NOT A VERY GOOD JUGGLER, 61 00:02:05,496 --> 00:02:07,727 BUT GUESS WHAT? LOOK WHAT I CAN DO. 62 00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:08,898 - I GOT YOUR NOSE. - NO, YOU DON'T. 63 00:02:08,899 --> 00:02:10,500 YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW THAT'S YOUR NOSE? 64 00:02:10,501 --> 00:02:11,701 'CAUSE THERE'S A BIG GREEN BOOGER IN IT. 65 00:02:11,702 --> 00:02:13,333 - LOOK AT THAT. - ( laughing ) 66 00:02:13,334 --> 00:02:15,435 KIDS, THEY LOVE THE BOOGER MAGIC. 67 00:02:15,436 --> 00:02:16,906 DADDY, CAN WE TAKE HIM WITH US? 68 00:02:16,907 --> 00:02:18,238 HE'S AWESOME. 69 00:02:18,239 --> 00:02:19,769 NO. THE PLACE WHERE WE'RE GOING 70 00:02:19,770 --> 00:02:22,413 ALREADY HAS AN OBNOXIOUS CLOWN. 71 00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:24,914 ( theme music playing ) 72 00:02:24,915 --> 00:02:26,746 - ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD ♪ - ♪ All good ♪ 73 00:02:26,747 --> 00:02:28,578 - ♪ IT'S OKAY ♪ - ♪ Okay ♪ 74 00:02:28,579 --> 00:02:30,180 - ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪ - ♪ All right ♪ 75 00:02:30,181 --> 00:02:31,881 ♪ AS FAR AS I CAN SEE ♪ 76 00:02:31,882 --> 00:02:33,653 - ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD ♪ - ♪ All good ♪ 77 00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:35,685 - ♪ IT'S OKAY ♪ - ♪ Okay ♪ 78 00:02:35,686 --> 00:02:37,287 - ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪ - ♪ All right ♪ 79 00:02:37,288 --> 00:02:39,929 ♪ I GUESS YOU'RE STUCK ♪ 80 00:02:39,930 --> 00:02:42,933 ♪ WITH ME ♪ 81 00:02:45,296 --> 00:02:46,696 RYDER, LISTEN DUDE, 82 00:02:46,697 --> 00:02:48,768 I GOTTA TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS MATH TEST THAT I GAVE YOU. 83 00:02:48,769 --> 00:02:49,939 WHAT? I TRIED MY HARDEST. 84 00:02:49,940 --> 00:02:51,572 YEAH, YOU PUT "C" FOR EVERY ANSWER. 85 00:02:52,903 --> 00:02:54,244 WELL, WAS IT WRONG EVERY TIME? 86 00:02:54,245 --> 00:02:55,876 IT WASN'T MULTIPLE CHOICE. 87 00:02:57,778 --> 00:02:59,449 YOU KNOW, I'M GETTING THE FEELING 88 00:02:59,450 --> 00:03:00,880 YOU'RE NOT REALLY FOCUSING ON YOUR SCHOOLWORK. 89 00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:02,512 IT'S 'CAUSE I'M NOT THERE. 90 00:03:02,513 --> 00:03:05,715 EVER SINCE I GOT SUSPENDED, I CAN'T CONCENTRATE. 91 00:03:05,716 --> 00:03:07,317 I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS, 92 00:03:07,318 --> 00:03:09,719 BUT I MISS SCHOOL. 93 00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:12,522 AW, I FEEL FOR YOU, BUDDY. 94 00:03:12,523 --> 00:03:13,663 YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST SO UNFAIR 95 00:03:13,664 --> 00:03:15,926 THAT ON YOUR SCHOOL FIELD TRIP YOU HAD TO GO SMOKE POT. 96 00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:19,329 LENNOX, YOU'RE STILL AT SCHOOL. 97 00:03:19,330 --> 00:03:20,630 TELL ME ONE THING THAT'S HAPPENING THERE. 98 00:03:20,631 --> 00:03:21,771 THROW ME A BONE. 99 00:03:21,772 --> 00:03:24,374 UM... OH, OKAY. HERE'S SOMETHING. 100 00:03:24,375 --> 00:03:25,635 ALL THE CUTE GIRLS THAT YOU LIKE, 101 00:03:25,636 --> 00:03:27,678 THEY STILL DON'T KNOW YOU EXIST. 102 00:03:28,879 --> 00:03:30,780 WHICH ONES EXACTLY? 103 00:03:30,781 --> 00:03:31,812 LENNOX? 104 00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:34,644 HEY, THERE SHE IS. 105 00:03:34,645 --> 00:03:36,646 SO TELL ME, HOW WAS YOUR DATE AT THE BALL PIT? 106 00:03:36,647 --> 00:03:37,647 NO, WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE. I FORGOT. 107 00:03:37,648 --> 00:03:38,818 WE'RE KEEPING THINGS SEPARATE. 108 00:03:38,819 --> 00:03:40,790 SCREW SEPARATE. THAT WASN'T A DATE, 109 00:03:40,791 --> 00:03:42,492 IT WAS TORTURE. LOOK WHAT THAT KID DID TO ME. 110 00:03:42,493 --> 00:03:43,653 LOOK AT IT. 111 00:03:43,654 --> 00:03:45,725 PIZZA, COTTON CANDY, 112 00:03:45,726 --> 00:03:46,826 SOY SAUCE. 113 00:03:46,827 --> 00:03:50,360 WE KIND OF PIZZA JOINT HAS SOY SAUCE? 114 00:03:50,361 --> 00:03:52,532 OKAY, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO TAKE THESE THINGS TO THE DRY CLEANERS. 115 00:03:52,533 --> 00:03:54,664 ALTHOUGH, ACTUALLY, IT MAY BE MORE HUMANE 116 00:03:54,665 --> 00:03:57,537 TO JUST TAKE THIS ONE OUT BACK AND SHOOT IT. 117 00:03:57,538 --> 00:03:58,668 AND THAT SNEAKY LITTLE MONSTER 118 00:03:58,669 --> 00:04:00,470 WAITED UNTIL HIS DADDY WAS OFF GETTING TOKENS, 119 00:04:00,471 --> 00:04:01,471 AND THEN BLAM-O. 120 00:04:01,472 --> 00:04:02,712 PIZZA TO THE ASS? 121 00:04:02,713 --> 00:04:03,973 PIZZA TO THE ASS. 122 00:04:03,974 --> 00:04:06,516 WHAT AM I GONNA DO? 123 00:04:06,517 --> 00:04:07,777 I HAVE TO GET DANIEL TO LIKE ME 124 00:04:07,778 --> 00:04:08,818 IF I'M GOING TO KEEP ERIC. 125 00:04:08,819 --> 00:04:10,019 WELL, HERE'S A NOVEL IDEA. 126 00:04:10,020 --> 00:04:11,651 WHY DON'T YOU TRY WORKING ON YOUR PARENTING SKILLS? 127 00:04:11,652 --> 00:04:12,882 TRY RELATING TO THE KID. 128 00:04:12,883 --> 00:04:13,883 BUT YOU HAVE TO DO IT ON HIS LEVEL. 129 00:04:13,884 --> 00:04:15,785 AND KIDS NEED RULES AND LIMITS. 130 00:04:15,786 --> 00:04:17,727 OKAY, WHAT MAKES YOU SUCH A PARENTING EXPERT? 131 00:04:17,728 --> 00:04:20,029 SAYS THE WOMAN WHO HIRED ME AS HER NANNY. 132 00:04:20,030 --> 00:04:22,292 YEAH, I WAS DESPERATE, REMEMBER? 133 00:04:22,293 --> 00:04:23,993 I TOLD YOU, ALL RIGHT? I TOLD YOU A MILLION TIMES. 134 00:04:23,994 --> 00:04:26,536 I HAVE A BIG FAMILY. I HAVE LOTS OF NIECES AND NEPHEWS. 135 00:04:26,537 --> 00:04:27,667 SERIOUSLY. ASK ANYONE IN JERSEY. 136 00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:28,798 I'M LIKE A TOTAL KID MAGNET. 137 00:04:28,799 --> 00:04:31,671 OH, THAT CANNOT SOUND CREEPIER. 138 00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:32,672 OH, AND JUST SO YOU KNOW, 139 00:04:32,673 --> 00:04:34,874 I AM ALSO DATING A SINGLE PARENT, OKAY? 140 00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:36,676 LAUREN IS A MOM. SHE HAS A DAUGHTER. 141 00:04:36,677 --> 00:04:38,678 AND TODAY, I'M MEETING HER DAUGHTER DIDI. 142 00:04:38,679 --> 00:04:40,310 AND THE THINGS I GOT PLANNED... 143 00:04:40,311 --> 00:04:43,053 LA LA LA LA LA LA LA. SEPARATE. 144 00:04:48,389 --> 00:04:49,659 WOW, ZANDER, 145 00:04:49,660 --> 00:04:52,422 THAT MIGHT BE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BLOODY SKULL I'VE EVER SEEN. 146 00:04:52,423 --> 00:04:54,665 YEAH, THE BLOOD-SUCKING LEECHES SPELL OUT "MOM." 147 00:04:56,667 --> 00:04:58,668 IT'S GONNA BE A TATTOO FOR MY BUDDY EVAN. 148 00:04:58,669 --> 00:05:00,299 CAN YOU DO ONE FOR ME? 149 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,031 ( chuckles ) 150 00:05:02,032 --> 00:05:04,534 WHAT? I'M SERIOUS. 151 00:05:04,535 --> 00:05:06,336 WHAT KIND OF TATTOO WOULD LOOK GOOD ON ME? 152 00:05:06,337 --> 00:05:07,837 DON'T GET A TATTOO. 153 00:05:07,838 --> 00:05:09,539 WHY NOT? 154 00:05:09,540 --> 00:05:11,681 'CAUSE TATTOOS ALWAYS LOOK TRASHY ON GIRLS. 155 00:05:11,682 --> 00:05:13,082 WHAT? 156 00:05:13,083 --> 00:05:14,684 THAT IS A TOTAL DOUBLE STANDARD. 157 00:05:14,685 --> 00:05:16,816 NO, IT'S A FACT. 158 00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:19,519 YEAH, A FACT ACCORDING TO SEXIST PIGS. 159 00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:21,721 ALL I MEANT WAS THAT TATTOOS AREN'T FOR NICE GIRLS. 160 00:05:21,722 --> 00:05:23,553 OH, I'M A NICE GIRL. 161 00:05:23,554 --> 00:05:25,396 SO NOW YOU'RE LABELING ME? 162 00:05:26,527 --> 00:05:28,658 WELL... 163 00:05:28,659 --> 00:05:30,730 YOU KNOW, HOW ABOUT WE STOP TALKING 164 00:05:30,731 --> 00:05:32,332 AND JUST KISS? 165 00:05:33,664 --> 00:05:35,836 SORRY. NICE GIRLS DON'T DO THAT. 166 00:05:38,008 --> 00:05:39,509 ( doorbell rings ) 167 00:05:39,510 --> 00:05:40,841 COMING. 168 00:05:42,543 --> 00:05:43,813 HEY THERE. COME ON IN, LADIES. 169 00:05:43,814 --> 00:05:45,545 I AIN'T A LADY. I'M A BOY. 170 00:05:45,546 --> 00:05:46,676 ( chuckles ) 171 00:05:46,677 --> 00:05:48,478 OH, I'M SORRY. IT'S JUST, YOU SAID DIDI, 172 00:05:48,479 --> 00:05:49,479 SO I FIGURED GIRL. 173 00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:51,821 OH, THOSE ARE HIS INITIALS. D.D. 174 00:05:51,822 --> 00:05:54,654 OH, WELL THAT'S OKAY, YOU KNOW? 175 00:05:54,655 --> 00:05:56,886 I'M JUST GONNA KEEP THE PRINCESS DRESS FOR ME. 176 00:05:56,887 --> 00:05:58,688 ( chuckles ) 177 00:05:58,689 --> 00:06:00,630 LISTEN, I'M JUST GONNA GO USE THE POTTY 178 00:06:00,631 --> 00:06:03,763 BEFORE WE GO. THAT IS SUCH A MOM THING TO SAY. 179 00:06:03,764 --> 00:06:05,364 HEY, WHEN YOU'RE A HOT MOM, YOU CAN SAY ANYTHING 180 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:06,436 AND IT SOUNDS SEXY. 181 00:06:06,437 --> 00:06:08,738 HOW ABOUT "CARPOOL"? 182 00:06:08,739 --> 00:06:11,471 STILL SEXY. 183 00:06:11,472 --> 00:06:13,674 - JUICE BOX. - YOU ARE KILLING ME RIGHT NOW. 184 00:06:15,806 --> 00:06:17,447 HEY, JOE. YOU GONNA JUGGLE? 185 00:06:17,448 --> 00:06:20,109 HOW'D YOU KNOW I COULD JUGGLE? 186 00:06:20,110 --> 00:06:21,751 DANIEL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 187 00:06:21,752 --> 00:06:23,883 NO NO NO NO NO NO. THIS IS D.D. 188 00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,555 DANIEL DAVIDSON. 189 00:06:25,556 --> 00:06:27,086 YOU MET HIM TWO NIGHTS AGO. 190 00:06:27,087 --> 00:06:28,157 - WHAT? - YEAH. 191 00:06:28,158 --> 00:06:30,020 NO... 192 00:06:32,022 --> 00:06:34,093 LOOK AT THAT. IT'S THE SAME KID. 193 00:06:34,094 --> 00:06:35,695 HOLY CRAP. IT'S THE SAME KID. 194 00:06:35,696 --> 00:06:37,026 ( gasps ) 195 00:06:37,027 --> 00:06:40,770 THAT MEANS YOU'RE DATING THE DRAGON LADY. 196 00:06:40,771 --> 00:06:43,402 AND YOU'RE DATING THE WORLD'S OLDEST FRAT BOY. 197 00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:45,034 OH, GROSS. 198 00:06:45,035 --> 00:06:46,105 OUR THINGS TOUCHED. 199 00:06:46,106 --> 00:06:48,508 ( groans ) 200 00:06:48,509 --> 00:06:49,779 HEY, AND JUST FOR THE RECORD, 201 00:06:49,780 --> 00:06:51,911 - LAUREN, SHE'S NOT... - NOT WHAT? 202 00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:54,544 NOT GONNA BELIEVE WHAT WE JUST FOUND OUT. 203 00:06:54,545 --> 00:06:55,685 - ( chuckles ) - THIS IS... 204 00:06:55,686 --> 00:06:56,886 IT'S SO FUNNY, HONEY. 205 00:06:56,887 --> 00:06:58,688 IT'S HILARIOUS, ACTUALLY. 206 00:06:58,689 --> 00:07:00,019 UH, GUESS WHAT? 207 00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:01,692 MEL'S DATING DADDY. 208 00:07:03,193 --> 00:07:05,024 HUH? ( chuckles ) IT'S A SMALL WORLD. 209 00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:06,956 SO SMALL. 210 00:07:06,957 --> 00:07:08,929 AWKWARD. 211 00:07:17,908 --> 00:07:19,438 RYDER, 212 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,070 IT'S 10:00 AT NIGHT. YOU'RE MAKING BREAKFAST? 213 00:07:21,071 --> 00:07:22,842 WHAT'S IT MATTER WHEN I DO ANYTHING, JOE? 214 00:07:22,843 --> 00:07:24,113 DAY, NIGHT, IT'S ALL THE SAME. 215 00:07:24,114 --> 00:07:26,175 I'M HERE ALL THE TIME. I DON'T GET TO SEE MY FRIENDS. 216 00:07:26,176 --> 00:07:29,219 AND HOLLY DUMPED ME BECAUSE I'M A "LOSER WITH A DRUG PROBLEM." 217 00:07:31,051 --> 00:07:33,653 YOU KNOW, I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS... 218 00:07:33,654 --> 00:07:35,655 Both: I MISS SCHOOL. 219 00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:36,986 YOU'RE MAKING FUN OF ME? 220 00:07:36,987 --> 00:07:39,759 YEAH, I'M MAKING FUN OF YOU. YOU SAY THAT 50 TIMES A DAY. 221 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:40,890 HERE'S A NOVEL IDEA, IF YOU MISS SCHOOL, 222 00:07:40,891 --> 00:07:42,762 WHY DON'T YOU TRY DOING YOUR SCHOOLWORK? 223 00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:45,234 ALL RIGHT, THIS ART PROJECT HAS BEEN SITTING OVER HERE FOR THREE DAYS. 224 00:07:45,235 --> 00:07:46,836 COME ON, LOOK. IT SAYS RIGHT HERE. 225 00:07:46,837 --> 00:07:48,898 "USE RECYCLED MATERIALS 226 00:07:48,899 --> 00:07:51,070 TO MAKE AN ASSEMBLAGE THAT SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF." 227 00:07:51,071 --> 00:07:53,773 YOU KNOW, MAYBE I COULD USE AN OLD TIRE TO SAY 228 00:07:53,774 --> 00:07:55,174 "I WISH SOMEONE WOULD RUN ME OVER." 229 00:07:55,175 --> 00:07:57,978 SEE, WE'RE POPPING NOW. WE'RE COMING UP WITH STUFF. 230 00:07:59,910 --> 00:08:01,781 I'M NOT INSPIRED HERE, JOE. 231 00:08:01,782 --> 00:08:04,053 AT LEAST AT SCHOOL I COULD SEE LAURA JENKINS WALK BY 232 00:08:04,054 --> 00:08:06,055 IN HER BELLY SHIRT, AND SHORT SHORTS 233 00:08:06,056 --> 00:08:08,858 AND LEATHER BOOTS, AND... 234 00:08:08,859 --> 00:08:12,922 I SEE THE PAINFUL BREAKUP WITH HOLLY IS SCABBING OVER QUITE WELL. 235 00:08:12,923 --> 00:08:14,924 LOOK, MAN UP, ALL RIGHT? 236 00:08:14,925 --> 00:08:16,726 GET YOUR ART PROJECT DONE BY THURSDAY. 237 00:08:16,727 --> 00:08:18,227 THURSDAY? WHEN IS THURSDAY, JOE? 238 00:08:18,228 --> 00:08:20,771 TOMORROW? THE NEXT DAY? I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE. 239 00:08:23,974 --> 00:08:26,005 HE SEEMS TO BE EATING FROM THE PAN. 240 00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:27,637 YEAH, HE MISSES SCHOOL. 241 00:08:27,638 --> 00:08:29,910 WELL, I GUESS IT'S BETTER THAN SMOKING FROM THE POT. 242 00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:33,242 SO TONIGHT ON YOUR DATE, 243 00:08:33,243 --> 00:08:34,914 DID THE FACT THAT WE'RE DATING 244 00:08:34,915 --> 00:08:36,946 TWO HALVES OF A DIVORCED COUPLE SEEM TO COME UP? 245 00:08:36,947 --> 00:08:39,248 ACTUALLY, IT DID, ALONG WITH A VERY INTERESTING ANECDOTE 246 00:08:39,249 --> 00:08:40,249 THAT I PROMISED NOT TO REPEAT. 247 00:08:40,250 --> 00:08:41,250 GOOD. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT. 248 00:08:41,251 --> 00:08:42,792 HERE IT IS. 249 00:08:42,793 --> 00:08:44,253 DID YOU KNOW THE ENTIRE TIME 250 00:08:44,254 --> 00:08:46,596 THAT YOUR JERKY BOYFRIEND WAS MARRIED TO LAUREN, 251 00:08:46,597 --> 00:08:48,658 HE NEVER ONCE... NEVER ONCE BOUGHT HER A BIRTHDAY PRESENT? 252 00:08:48,659 --> 00:08:49,659 AND WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW WHY? 253 00:08:49,660 --> 00:08:50,930 - NO, I WOULD NOT. - GOOD. 254 00:08:50,931 --> 00:08:51,931 I'LL TELL YOU. 255 00:08:51,932 --> 00:08:53,933 SHE HAS ISSUES WITH HER BIRTHDAY, 256 00:08:53,934 --> 00:08:56,666 AND REFUSED TO LET HIM ACKNOWLEDGE IT IN ANY WAY. 257 00:08:56,667 --> 00:08:57,937 WELL SURE, YEAH. AFTER HE SENT HER 258 00:08:57,938 --> 00:09:00,109 THAT CRINGY SINGING PIRATE-GRAM TO HER OFFICE. 259 00:09:00,110 --> 00:09:02,311 BECAUSE "PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN" IS HER FAVORITE MOVIE. 260 00:09:02,312 --> 00:09:04,944 NOT ANYMORE. THE GUY GOT DRUNK AND CUT HER LEG WITH A SWORD. 261 00:09:04,945 --> 00:09:06,776 THAT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENED. 262 00:09:06,777 --> 00:09:08,177 - YES IT IS. - OH, WERE YOU THERE? 263 00:09:08,178 --> 00:09:09,919 AS MUCH AS YOU WERE. 264 00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:11,550 OKAY, THIS IS WEIRD, RIGHT? WHAT WE'RE DOING? 265 00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,823 I KNOW. NORMALLY WE JUST ARGUE ABOUT OUR OWN PROBLEMS. 266 00:09:13,824 --> 00:09:14,924 YEAH. 267 00:09:14,925 --> 00:09:16,255 IF WE START TO FIGHT THEIR BATTLES, 268 00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:18,227 WHEN ARE WE GONNA HAVE ANY TIME FOR OUR OWN ARGUMENTS? 269 00:09:18,228 --> 00:09:19,589 NO NO NO NO NO. UH-UH. 270 00:09:19,590 --> 00:09:21,260 WE CAN'T HAVE THAT. NO. 271 00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:22,632 YOU KNOW WHAT THE FIX IS? 272 00:09:22,633 --> 00:09:24,033 MM. I DO. 273 00:09:24,034 --> 00:09:26,796 - YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO BREAK UP WITH ERIC. - WHAT? NO. 274 00:09:26,797 --> 00:09:28,838 YOU HAVE TO BREAK UP WITH LAUREN. 275 00:09:28,839 --> 00:09:30,670 I STARTED DATING ERIC WAY BEFORE YOU TWO STARTED GOING OUT. 276 00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:31,871 IT WAS THE SAME DAY. 277 00:09:31,872 --> 00:09:33,673 WE HAD LUNCH. YOU HAD DINNER. 278 00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:34,705 LUNCH WINS. 279 00:09:35,946 --> 00:09:37,346 LOOK, I MADE A CONNECTION WITH THE KID. 280 00:09:37,347 --> 00:09:38,948 OKAY? I HAVE INNATE PARENTING SKILLS. 281 00:09:38,949 --> 00:09:40,610 NO, YOU HAVE INEPT PARENTING SKILLS. 282 00:09:40,611 --> 00:09:41,651 YOU DIDN'T EVEN RECOGNIZE HIM. 283 00:09:41,652 --> 00:09:42,682 HE WAS WEARING A HAT. 284 00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:45,015 OH, HE'S A MASTER OF DISGUISE. 285 00:09:46,787 --> 00:09:48,587 LOOK, THE KID LIKES ME, OKAY? 286 00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:49,919 I MEAN, IT'S CLEAR THAT I WOULD BE 287 00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:51,991 THE GREATEST STEPDAD OF ALL TIME. 288 00:09:51,992 --> 00:09:53,793 WELL, HE'LL LIKE ME TOO. 289 00:09:53,794 --> 00:09:54,964 EVENTUALLY. 290 00:09:54,965 --> 00:09:56,966 YOU DO REALIZE HE'S GONNA BE LEAVING FOR COLLEGE 291 00:09:56,967 --> 00:09:58,928 IN 12 YEARS. I'VE KNOWN YOU THREE YEARS NOW, 292 00:09:58,929 --> 00:10:00,970 AND I'M ONLY UP TO LIKE "MEH." 293 00:10:00,971 --> 00:10:03,903 WELL, I AM NOT BREAKING UP WITH ERIC. 294 00:10:03,904 --> 00:10:05,004 I'M NOT BREAKING UP WITH LAUREN. 295 00:10:05,005 --> 00:10:06,235 - FINE. - FINE. 296 00:10:06,236 --> 00:10:08,107 I'M ALSO NOT LEAVING THIS KITCHEN FIRST. 297 00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:09,239 NEITHER AM I. 298 00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:12,643 DAMN, I GOTTA PEE. 299 00:10:20,951 --> 00:10:22,992 WHOA, WHAT HAPPENED? YOU GET FIRED? 300 00:10:22,993 --> 00:10:24,654 NO. 301 00:10:24,655 --> 00:10:26,025 I'M DOING MY ART PROJECT LIKE JOE'S MAKING ME. 302 00:10:26,026 --> 00:10:27,396 OH, THAT'S GOOD. SEE? 303 00:10:27,397 --> 00:10:29,058 THROW YOURSELF INTO YOUR SCHOOLWORK. 304 00:10:29,059 --> 00:10:30,259 COULD YOU NOT SAY "SCHOOL"? 305 00:10:30,260 --> 00:10:32,301 I'M JUST KIND OF FRAGILE RIGHT NOW. 306 00:10:32,302 --> 00:10:34,033 ( doorbell rings ) 307 00:10:34,034 --> 00:10:34,935 FOR ME. IT'S FOR ME. 308 00:10:34,936 --> 00:10:37,066 SEPARATE LIFE COMING THROUGH. 309 00:10:37,067 --> 00:10:39,068 - HEY. - HEY THERE. 310 00:10:39,069 --> 00:10:40,139 - HOW YOU DOING? - SORRY. 311 00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:41,941 I KNOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE JUST US, 312 00:10:41,942 --> 00:10:43,412 BUT MR. RESPONSIBILITY 313 00:10:43,413 --> 00:10:44,974 DIDN'T SHOW UP AT SCHOOL ON TIME. 314 00:10:44,975 --> 00:10:47,276 THAT'S OKAY. I LOVE HAVING THE LITTLE GUY AROUND. 315 00:10:47,277 --> 00:10:49,018 OH, ME TOO. 316 00:10:49,019 --> 00:10:50,419 'CAUSE HE'S SUCH A CUTIE. 317 00:10:50,420 --> 00:10:51,951 HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? 318 00:10:51,952 --> 00:10:52,952 WHY DON'T YOU AND JOE STILL GO OUT, 319 00:10:52,953 --> 00:10:54,353 AND DANIEL CAN STAY HERE WITH ME. 320 00:10:54,354 --> 00:10:56,025 DAD'S FUN GIRLFRIEND, MEL. 321 00:10:56,026 --> 00:10:57,256 NO. I DON'T... 322 00:10:57,257 --> 00:10:58,958 - REALLY? YOU WOULDN'T MIND? - NOT AT ALL. 323 00:10:58,959 --> 00:11:00,389 HEY, KIDDO. LET'S... 324 00:11:00,390 --> 00:11:01,691 OH, I GOT YOUR NOSE. 325 00:11:01,692 --> 00:11:04,333 OHH! REAL BOOGERS. 326 00:11:04,334 --> 00:11:07,066 WHICH I LOVE. LIKE ALL GOOD PARENTS DO. 327 00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:08,237 ( chuckles ) 328 00:11:08,238 --> 00:11:09,368 HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? 329 00:11:09,369 --> 00:11:10,940 WHY DON'T WE MAKE A COOKIE PIZZA? 330 00:11:10,941 --> 00:11:13,072 - I'LL RACE YOU TO THE KITCHEN. - YAY! 331 00:11:13,073 --> 00:11:14,273 SEE, THE KID LIKES ME. 332 00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:16,106 KID LIKES SUGAR. 333 00:11:17,277 --> 00:11:18,808 OKAY, DANIEL. 334 00:11:18,809 --> 00:11:20,950 YOU PLAY WITH THESE BOWLS AND SPOONS 335 00:11:20,951 --> 00:11:22,982 WHILE I CALL THE BAKERY AND ORDER A COOKIE PIZZA. 336 00:11:22,983 --> 00:11:24,113 I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA MAKE ONE? 337 00:11:24,114 --> 00:11:25,855 OH, BUT ORDERING IS SO MUCH MORE FUN. 338 00:11:25,856 --> 00:11:27,686 BUT I LIKE LICKING SPOONS. 339 00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:30,020 WELL, YOU CAN LICK THE PHONE. 340 00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:33,863 AUNT MEL, I NEED YOUR ADVICE. 341 00:11:33,864 --> 00:11:35,825 ZANDER IS TELLING ME WHAT I CAN AND CAN'T DO 342 00:11:35,826 --> 00:11:36,866 BECAUSE I'M A WOMAN. 343 00:11:36,867 --> 00:11:38,427 - IS THIS ABOUT SEX? - NO. 344 00:11:38,428 --> 00:11:39,829 - DRUGS? - NO. 345 00:11:39,830 --> 00:11:41,300 WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU ARE A STRONG 346 00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:42,772 INDEPENDENT YOUNG WOMAN. 347 00:11:42,773 --> 00:11:44,303 YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO. 348 00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:45,835 WELL, EXCEPT DATE A DRUMMER. 349 00:11:45,836 --> 00:11:46,976 'CAUSE THAT JUST ENDS BADLY. 350 00:11:46,977 --> 00:11:49,108 OKAY. THANKS. 351 00:11:49,109 --> 00:11:51,811 HI, YES. I NEED A COOKIE PIZZA STAT. 352 00:11:51,812 --> 00:11:54,814 MEL BURKE. YOU HAVE MY CREDIT CARD ON FILE. 353 00:11:54,815 --> 00:11:56,746 NO HIDING IN THE OVEN. 354 00:11:56,747 --> 00:11:57,748 SWEETIE? 355 00:11:58,949 --> 00:11:59,949 ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T MIND 356 00:11:59,950 --> 00:12:01,290 LEAVING DANIEL HERE? 357 00:12:01,291 --> 00:12:02,752 BECAUSE I THINK HE'D HAVE A LOT MORE FUN WITH ME. 358 00:12:02,753 --> 00:12:04,253 I MEAN, WITH US. 359 00:12:04,254 --> 00:12:05,955 YEAH, BUT IF HE STAYS HERE, 360 00:12:05,956 --> 00:12:08,998 WE CAN GO HAVE SOME ADULTS-ONLY FUN. 361 00:12:08,999 --> 00:12:10,760 SEE YOU LATER, DANIEL. 362 00:12:10,761 --> 00:12:11,832 ( chuckles ) 363 00:12:12,963 --> 00:12:14,834 - COME ON. - WHERE WERE YOU? 364 00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:16,936 YOUR TEXT SAID TO MEET YOU THERE AT 4:00. 365 00:12:16,937 --> 00:12:20,039 YEAH, AND THERE IS THE SCHOOL. OBVIOUSLY. 366 00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:21,771 OH YEAH, IT WAS SO OBVIOUS 367 00:12:21,772 --> 00:12:23,142 THAT I SHOWED UP AT YOUR APARTMENT. 368 00:12:23,143 --> 00:12:25,414 HEY, I THOUGHT I HEARD YOUR HANDSOME VOICE. 369 00:12:25,415 --> 00:12:26,846 DID WE HAVE PLANS? 370 00:12:26,847 --> 00:12:28,848 NO. MY EX-WIFE SUCKS AT TEXTING. 371 00:12:28,849 --> 00:12:31,080 AND MY EX-HUSBAND SUCKS AT LISTENING. 372 00:12:31,081 --> 00:12:32,281 OKAY, ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT? 373 00:12:32,282 --> 00:12:34,283 HEY GUYS, LET'S JUST ALL BRING IT DOWN HERE A NOTCH. 374 00:12:34,284 --> 00:12:36,385 OKAY? CLEARLY THE TEXTING THING HAS NOT BEEN WORKING. 375 00:12:36,386 --> 00:12:37,887 JOE IS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. 376 00:12:37,888 --> 00:12:38,988 I AM? 377 00:12:38,989 --> 00:12:40,759 WHAT? IT HAPPENS. 378 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:41,961 I'M GUESSING YOU GUYS HAVEN'T HAD AN ACTUAL 379 00:12:41,962 --> 00:12:43,392 FACE TO FACE CONVERSATION IN SOME TIME? 380 00:12:43,393 --> 00:12:45,865 ( overlapping arguing ) 381 00:12:45,866 --> 00:12:47,536 BUP BUP BUP BUP BUP. OKAY, TELL YOU WHAT. 382 00:12:47,537 --> 00:12:48,868 WHY DON'T WE ALL GO SIT DOWN. 383 00:12:48,869 --> 00:12:50,239 OKAY? LET'S SIT ON THE COUCH THERE. 384 00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:51,971 OKAY, LET'S GO SIT DOWN. 385 00:12:51,972 --> 00:12:55,044 WE'LL TRY TO WORK OUT A LITTLE SCHEDULE HERE FOR THE NEXT WEEK. 386 00:12:55,045 --> 00:12:57,346 WE CAN ALL ACT LIKE RESPONSIBLE ADULTS. 387 00:12:57,347 --> 00:12:59,308 YES, AND I WILL TAKE DANIEL TO THE PARK. 388 00:12:59,309 --> 00:13:00,350 NOT IF I TAKE HIM FIRST. 389 00:13:01,882 --> 00:13:03,884 ( dance music playing ) 390 00:13:08,318 --> 00:13:09,458 I WANT A TATTOO. 391 00:13:09,459 --> 00:13:11,821 BIG ONE. 392 00:13:11,822 --> 00:13:13,292 WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR? 393 00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:15,524 CHINESE CHARACTERS, HEARTS, BUTTERFLIES? 394 00:13:15,525 --> 00:13:16,966 NONE OF THAT POSEUR CRAP. 395 00:13:16,967 --> 00:13:18,567 I WANT THE TRASHIEST THING YOU'VE GOT. 396 00:13:18,568 --> 00:13:20,299 LET ME SHOW YOU MY FAVE. 397 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,973 WORKS FOR ANKLE, BUTT, OR TRAMP STAMP. 398 00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:26,976 OH, WHAT... OH! EW! NO. 399 00:13:26,977 --> 00:13:28,838 ( winces ) 400 00:13:28,839 --> 00:13:31,040 MAYBE SOMETHING TRASHY-LITE, 401 00:13:31,041 --> 00:13:34,014 AND PERHAPS SOMETHING THAT REQUIRES A LITTLE LESS SHAVING? 402 00:13:38,849 --> 00:13:40,990 I KNOW HOW TO COUNT TO 100. 403 00:13:40,991 --> 00:13:42,151 YOU SHOWED US. 404 00:13:42,152 --> 00:13:43,422 MORE THAN ONCE. 405 00:13:43,423 --> 00:13:45,224 I CAN TELL TIME TOO. 406 00:13:45,225 --> 00:13:46,395 WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA. 407 00:13:46,396 --> 00:13:47,556 I'M VERY CONNECTED TO THIS. 408 00:13:47,557 --> 00:13:49,098 LET ME HAVE IT. 409 00:13:49,099 --> 00:13:50,960 NO. IT'S OLD AND VALUABLE. 410 00:13:50,961 --> 00:13:53,233 - I HATE YOU. - HERE YOU GO. 411 00:13:55,005 --> 00:13:56,435 THAT WAS GREAT PARENTING, BURKE. 412 00:13:56,436 --> 00:13:58,207 THE WAY YOU JUST GAVE IN TO THAT MANIPULATION. 413 00:13:58,208 --> 00:14:00,209 WOULD YOU RATHER HEAR HIM COUNT SOME MORE? 414 00:14:00,210 --> 00:14:01,540 THAT'S A GOOD POINT. 415 00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:03,042 YEAH. 416 00:14:03,043 --> 00:14:03,974 CAN I HAVE ANOTHER WATCH? 417 00:14:03,975 --> 00:14:05,074 WHAT HAPPENED TO THE ONE I GAVE YOU? 418 00:14:05,075 --> 00:14:07,076 I THREW IT IN THE HOLE. 419 00:14:07,077 --> 00:14:08,547 GOT IT IN THE FIRST TIME. 420 00:14:08,548 --> 00:14:10,049 OH NO. THE STORM DRAIN? 421 00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:10,981 JOE, GET IT! 422 00:14:12,983 --> 00:14:14,853 IS IT IN THERE? 423 00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:16,485 OH, THERE IT IS. OKAY. HOLD ON A MINUTE. 424 00:14:16,486 --> 00:14:18,327 NO, I CAN'T. 425 00:14:18,328 --> 00:14:20,129 I CAN'T QUITE REACH IT. 426 00:14:20,130 --> 00:14:22,061 SEE, I HAVE THE GIRTH, BUT DON'T QUITE HAVE THE LENGTH ON MY ARM. 427 00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:23,862 - ALL RIGHT. MOVE OVER. - IT'S BIG. 428 00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:25,064 I'VE GOT TO GET IT OUT. 429 00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:26,295 THAT'S MY DEAD GRANDMA'S WATCH. 430 00:14:26,296 --> 00:14:28,037 WHAT'S "DEAD" MEAN? 431 00:14:28,038 --> 00:14:29,899 THAT'S NICE, BURKE. WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, 432 00:14:29,900 --> 00:14:31,300 WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL THE KID THERE'S NO SANTA CLAUS? 433 00:14:31,301 --> 00:14:32,471 THERE'S NO WHAT?! 434 00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:34,174 NOTHING. GROWN-UPS TALKING. 435 00:14:35,205 --> 00:14:36,345 ( door closes ) 436 00:14:36,346 --> 00:14:38,047 YOU NEVER LISTEN. 437 00:14:38,048 --> 00:14:40,549 I SIGN HIM UP FOR KARATE BECAUSE HE LIKES IT. 438 00:14:40,550 --> 00:14:43,282 SURE. HE NEEDS A WAY TO WORK OUT HIS AGGRESSION. 439 00:14:43,283 --> 00:14:45,654 I WONDER WHERE HE GETS THAT FROM. 440 00:14:45,655 --> 00:14:47,886 ( sighs ) 441 00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:49,318 WOW. 442 00:14:49,319 --> 00:14:50,889 THERE'S PEOPLE. 443 00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,061 ( sighs ) 444 00:14:52,062 --> 00:14:53,192 I'M SORRY. 445 00:14:53,193 --> 00:14:54,523 WE DIDN'T KNOW ANYONE ELSE WAS HERE. 446 00:14:54,524 --> 00:14:56,465 I'M LAUREN. THIS IS ERIC. 447 00:14:56,466 --> 00:14:57,997 WE'RE FRIENDS OF MEL AND JOE. 448 00:14:57,998 --> 00:15:01,071 DRAGON LADY AND PETER PAN, RIGHT? 449 00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:05,274 THIS IS JUST GREAT. 450 00:15:05,275 --> 00:15:07,076 THAT WATCH IS 100 YEARS OLD. 451 00:15:07,077 --> 00:15:08,137 MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR A NEW ONE. 452 00:15:08,138 --> 00:15:11,140 NO. I'M GETTING THIS ONE OUT. 453 00:15:11,141 --> 00:15:13,213 WE JUST NEED A SKINNY TOOL TO GRAB IT. 454 00:15:16,546 --> 00:15:18,317 I GOT ONE. 455 00:15:18,318 --> 00:15:20,089 OKAY, YOU'RE NOT SERIOUSLY THINKING ABOUT PUTTING HIM DOWN THERE? 456 00:15:20,090 --> 00:15:21,590 OH, PLEASE. I USED TO PUT MY BROTHERS 457 00:15:21,591 --> 00:15:23,122 DOWN THESE STORM DRAINS ALL THE TIME. 458 00:15:23,123 --> 00:15:25,194 HEY, WHO FEELS LIKE GOING ON A LITTLE ADVENTURE 459 00:15:25,195 --> 00:15:26,195 TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH. 460 00:15:26,196 --> 00:15:27,426 - ME! - YOU DO. 461 00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:28,998 COME ON. GET IN THERE. 462 00:15:28,999 --> 00:15:31,060 YEAH, I'M TELLING YOU, THESE STORM DRAINS WERE LIKE 463 00:15:31,061 --> 00:15:32,201 A SECOND HOME TO US. 464 00:15:32,202 --> 00:15:33,332 ALL THE RICH KIDS HAD TREE HOUSES, 465 00:15:33,333 --> 00:15:34,563 BUT WE HAD THE GOOD OLD-FASHIONED GUTTERS. 466 00:15:34,564 --> 00:15:35,965 I GOT IT. 467 00:15:35,966 --> 00:15:37,136 HE GOT IT. 468 00:15:37,137 --> 00:15:38,607 ALL RIGHT, BUDDY. HERE WE GO. 469 00:15:38,608 --> 00:15:40,239 NOW GIVE ME YOUR HAND. LET'S GET YOU OUT OF THERE. 470 00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:42,011 COME ON. COME HERE. 471 00:15:42,012 --> 00:15:43,412 HOLD ON. CAN YOU STAND ON YOUR TIPPY-TOES? 472 00:15:43,413 --> 00:15:45,545 CAN I... UH-OH. 473 00:15:46,716 --> 00:15:49,218 YEAH, I CAN'T REACH HIM. 474 00:15:49,219 --> 00:15:52,021 OKAY, IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TAKING THE PROPER STEPS. 475 00:15:52,022 --> 00:15:54,483 FIRST I'M GONNA TAKE A DEEP CLEANSING BREATH... 476 00:15:54,484 --> 00:15:56,025 ( inhales ) 477 00:15:56,026 --> 00:15:57,687 AND THEN I'M GONNA PANIC. 478 00:16:02,732 --> 00:16:04,133 OKAY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 479 00:16:04,134 --> 00:16:05,464 FIRE DEPARTMENT'S ON THEIR WAY. 480 00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:06,665 GOOD. HOPEFULLY THEY'LL GET HERE 481 00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:07,666 BEFORE IT STARTS GETTING DARK 482 00:16:07,667 --> 00:16:09,068 AND ALL THE RATS COME OUT. 483 00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:12,001 THE CUTE LITTLE RATS. 484 00:16:12,002 --> 00:16:13,402 I'M BORED. 485 00:16:13,403 --> 00:16:15,044 AW, COME ON NOW. THERE'S LOTS OF 486 00:16:15,045 --> 00:16:16,305 FUN THINGS YOU CAN DO DOWN THERE. 487 00:16:16,306 --> 00:16:19,608 YEAH. LET'S PLAY DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING. 488 00:16:19,609 --> 00:16:21,750 ESPECIALLY IF IT HAS EYES. 489 00:16:21,751 --> 00:16:23,482 CAN I PLAY A GAME ON YOUR PHONE? 490 00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:24,753 FINE. 491 00:16:24,754 --> 00:16:26,985 HERE YOU GO, HONEY. 492 00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,218 JUST DON'T LOOK AT THE PHOTOS. 493 00:16:29,219 --> 00:16:31,490 - ( cellphone ringing ) - LOOK, IT'S DADDY ON YOUR PHONE. 494 00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:33,292 I SAID DON'T LOOK AT THE PHOTOS. 495 00:16:33,293 --> 00:16:34,763 - ( beeps ) - NO, HE'S CALLING. 496 00:16:34,764 --> 00:16:37,096 - HI, DADDY. - HANG UP. HANG UP. 497 00:16:37,097 --> 00:16:38,998 DADDY, GUESS WHERE I AM? 498 00:16:40,370 --> 00:16:42,131 YOU HAD TO GIVE HIM YOUR PHONE. 499 00:16:42,132 --> 00:16:43,633 YOU KNOW WHAT? I DIDN'T PUT HIM DOWN THE STORM DRAIN. 500 00:16:44,774 --> 00:16:46,476 OH, LIKE YOU'RE SUCH GREAT PARENTS. 501 00:16:49,309 --> 00:16:50,609 ( murmurs ) 502 00:16:50,610 --> 00:16:52,111 HOW MUCH IS THIS GONNA HURT? 503 00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:53,243 YOU EVER BEEN SHOT? 504 00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:56,046 NOT AS BAD AS THAT. 505 00:16:57,547 --> 00:16:59,448 WAIT! WAIT. WAIT. 506 00:16:59,449 --> 00:17:00,749 DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT TALKING ME OUT OF THIS. 507 00:17:00,750 --> 00:17:03,021 I KNOW. YOU TWEETED "GETTING A TATTOO. 508 00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:05,124 HASHTAG DON'T TALK ME OUT OF IT." 509 00:17:05,125 --> 00:17:06,056 I JUST THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW. 510 00:17:06,057 --> 00:17:07,626 NO, I JUST... 511 00:17:07,627 --> 00:17:09,358 I WANTED TO SAY THAT YOU WERE RIGHT. 512 00:17:09,359 --> 00:17:10,629 LENNOX, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT. 513 00:17:10,630 --> 00:17:12,101 DAMN STRAIGHT. 514 00:17:12,102 --> 00:17:13,632 BUT IF YOU WERE GONNA GET A TATTOO, 515 00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:15,765 I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU'D WANT A CUSTOM DESIGN. 516 00:17:17,307 --> 00:17:18,567 SO YOU'D MAKE ME ONE? 517 00:17:18,568 --> 00:17:19,709 I ALREADY DID. 518 00:17:22,172 --> 00:17:23,642 WOW. 519 00:17:23,643 --> 00:17:25,044 THAT'S REALLY BEAUTIFUL. 520 00:17:26,376 --> 00:17:27,676 IT'S JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF TRASHY 521 00:17:27,677 --> 00:17:28,818 FOR A NICE GIRL LIKE ME. 522 00:17:32,752 --> 00:17:35,284 YOU KNOW HOW IT IS. YOU TURN YOUR BACK FOR ONE SECOND, 523 00:17:35,285 --> 00:17:37,286 AND WITHOUT ANY PROMPTING FROM US 524 00:17:37,287 --> 00:17:40,629 AND THE KID JUST THROWS HIMSELF IN A STORM DRAIN. 525 00:17:40,630 --> 00:17:42,591 YOU KNOW, KIDS ARE SO CURIOUS. 526 00:17:42,592 --> 00:17:43,762 THAT'S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT THEM. 527 00:17:43,763 --> 00:17:45,764 THEY'RE JUST SO CURIOUS. 528 00:17:45,765 --> 00:17:47,796 - WHERE IS HE? - WHERE'S MY BABY? 529 00:17:47,797 --> 00:17:49,798 HI, MAMA. 530 00:17:49,799 --> 00:17:52,201 HONEY. WHAT HAPPENED? 531 00:17:52,202 --> 00:17:54,443 JOE PUT ME IN A BIG HOLE IN THE GROUND 532 00:17:54,444 --> 00:17:55,704 AND SAID THERE'S NO SANTA. 533 00:17:55,705 --> 00:17:57,646 WHAT?! 534 00:17:57,647 --> 00:17:59,578 WELL NOW, WHEN HE SAYS IT LIKE THAT, 535 00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:01,650 IT SOUNDS BAD. 536 00:18:01,651 --> 00:18:02,811 SHE WANTED ME TO GET HER WATCH. 537 00:18:02,812 --> 00:18:03,812 IS THAT TRUE, MEL? 538 00:18:03,813 --> 00:18:05,384 WELL, IN MY DEFENSE, 539 00:18:05,385 --> 00:18:07,756 YOUR SON THREW IT IN THE HOLE. 540 00:18:07,757 --> 00:18:09,558 AND MY PHONE, PLEASE? 541 00:18:09,559 --> 00:18:10,789 AW, SUCH A GOOD KID. 542 00:18:10,790 --> 00:18:14,193 AND LOOK... A SCRATCH TO ALWAYS REMEMBER THIS DAY BY. 543 00:18:14,194 --> 00:18:15,624 I DON'T BELIEVE YOU TWO. 544 00:18:15,625 --> 00:18:17,566 YOU'RE BOTH HORRIBLE HORRIBLE PEOPLE. 545 00:18:17,567 --> 00:18:19,298 WHOA WHOA. WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE. 546 00:18:19,299 --> 00:18:21,630 ERIC, LAUREN, LET'S JUST BRING THINGS DOWN A NOTCH. 547 00:18:21,631 --> 00:18:22,771 I THINK WE CAN ALL TALK ABOUT THIS 548 00:18:22,772 --> 00:18:23,803 LIKE CALM, REASONABLE PEOPLE. 549 00:18:25,405 --> 00:18:27,576 YOU GUYS ARE BREAKING UP WITH US, RIGHT? 550 00:18:27,577 --> 00:18:29,879 - RIGHT. - YES, WE ARE. 551 00:18:33,283 --> 00:18:35,314 OKAY, DID YOU SEE THE SMILE ON DANIEL'S FACE 552 00:18:35,315 --> 00:18:36,615 WHEN THEY PULLED HIM OUT OF THAT STORM DRAIN? 553 00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:37,786 THAT KID HAD A BLAST. 554 00:18:37,787 --> 00:18:39,618 YOU KNOW WHAT? WE'D MAKE GOOD PARENTS. 555 00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:41,320 YEAH. WE'D MAKE GREAT PARENTS. 556 00:18:41,321 --> 00:18:42,891 LOOK AT THE JOB WE'RE DOING WITH LENNOX AND RYDER. 557 00:18:42,892 --> 00:18:44,653 THEY'RE CLEAN. THEY'RE FED. 558 00:18:44,654 --> 00:18:45,854 THEY'RE DOING GREAT IN SCHOOL. 559 00:18:45,855 --> 00:18:48,227 WELL, YOU KNOW, THE ONE WHO DIDN'T GET KICKED OUT. 560 00:18:48,228 --> 00:18:49,428 YOU KNOW WHAT? ONE FOR TWO. 561 00:18:49,429 --> 00:18:50,799 BATTING 500 PUTS YOU IN THE HALL OF FAME, 562 00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:52,261 THAT'S ALL I'M GONNA SAY. 563 00:18:52,262 --> 00:18:54,463 HEY, LENNOX. WHAT'S NEW? 564 00:18:54,464 --> 00:18:56,305 OH, NOT MUCH. 565 00:18:56,306 --> 00:18:58,308 JUST THIS BITCHIN' TATTOO. 566 00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:00,909 HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE IT? 567 00:19:00,910 --> 00:19:02,912 ENOUGH TO KILL THE GUY THAT DID IT. 568 00:19:04,914 --> 00:19:07,376 SWEETIE, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS WITHOUT TALKING TO ME FIRST? 569 00:19:07,377 --> 00:19:09,778 RELAX. IT'LL WASH OFF IN A MONTH. 570 00:19:09,779 --> 00:19:13,151 HONEY, THAT'S NOT HOW TATTOOS WORK. 571 00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:15,454 NO. ZANDER DREW IT ON ME. 572 00:19:15,455 --> 00:19:16,625 IT'S NOT REAL. 573 00:19:16,626 --> 00:19:18,327 OH. ( chuckles ) 574 00:19:18,328 --> 00:19:19,328 ( sighs ) 575 00:19:19,329 --> 00:19:20,929 ( gasping ) 576 00:19:20,930 --> 00:19:22,661 I CAN BREATHE AGAIN. 577 00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:24,794 I MEAN, EVEN THOUGH I AM HIP AND DOWN WITH THE TATS. 578 00:19:26,836 --> 00:19:28,667 I WAS GONNA GET A REAL ONE, 579 00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:30,469 BUT THEN I THOUGHT OF YOU AND I REALIZED 580 00:19:30,470 --> 00:19:31,840 I COULDN'T GO THROUGH WITH IT. 581 00:19:31,841 --> 00:19:33,272 YOU SEE? 582 00:19:33,273 --> 00:19:35,844 SHE HEARS MY WISE COUNSEL IN HER HEAD AT ALL TIMES. 583 00:19:35,845 --> 00:19:37,176 I'M LIKE A SHAPELY BLONDE BUDDHA. 584 00:19:39,609 --> 00:19:40,849 YEAH, ACTUALLY, 585 00:19:40,850 --> 00:19:41,850 I JUST THOUGHT ABOUT HOW HORRIBLE 586 00:19:41,851 --> 00:19:44,182 THAT LITTLE FADED PIG TATTOO LOOKS ON YOUR... 587 00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:45,384 AH, NOT ABOUT ME. 588 00:19:45,385 --> 00:19:47,256 WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT. BACK UP, BACK UP, BACK UP. 589 00:19:47,257 --> 00:19:48,787 NO, I WANT TO HEAR MORE ABOUT THIS LITTLE PIGGY. 590 00:19:48,788 --> 00:19:50,820 LIKE WHERE DOES IT LIVE? 591 00:19:52,522 --> 00:19:53,792 OKAY, IT'S A CHUBBY DEVIL. 592 00:19:53,793 --> 00:19:55,724 AND WE WILL NEVER DISCUSS WHERE HE LIVES. 593 00:19:55,725 --> 00:19:57,566 OH, COME ON. GIVE ME A HINT. 594 00:19:57,567 --> 00:19:59,569 YOU SITTING ON HIM? 595 00:20:04,674 --> 00:20:06,976 IS HE ASLEEP BETWEEN TWO PILLOWS? 596 00:20:12,982 --> 00:20:14,443 ( grunts ) 597 00:20:14,444 --> 00:20:15,784 TO QUALITY PARENTING. 598 00:20:15,785 --> 00:20:16,985 YES. 599 00:20:16,986 --> 00:20:18,617 QUALITY PARENTING. 600 00:20:18,618 --> 00:20:20,249 BY THE WAY, WHERE'S RYDER? 601 00:20:20,250 --> 00:20:21,820 I HAVE NO CLUE. 602 00:20:21,821 --> 00:20:23,652 OH, HE'S BEEN IN THE GARAGE ALL DAY 603 00:20:23,653 --> 00:20:26,495 WITH A BUNCH OF DUCT TAPE AND SOME BOX CUTTERS. 604 00:20:26,496 --> 00:20:27,826 YEAH, I WAS KIND OF WORRIED ABOUT HIM, 605 00:20:27,827 --> 00:20:30,630 BUT NOT ENOUGH TO GO ALL THE WAY BACK THERE AND CHECK. 606 00:20:39,509 --> 00:20:40,540 HEY, BUDDY. 607 00:20:42,842 --> 00:20:44,543 HOW YOU DOING? 608 00:20:44,544 --> 00:20:46,615 REALLY GOOD, ACTUALLY. 609 00:20:46,616 --> 00:20:48,277 HOW DO YOU GUYS LIKE MY NEW SCHOOL? 610 00:20:48,278 --> 00:20:50,679 OKAY, YOU DO REALIZE THIS ISN'T A REAL SCHOOL, RIGHT, HONEY? 611 00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:53,522 YEAH, OF COURSE. THIS IS MY ART PROJECT. 612 00:20:53,523 --> 00:20:55,524 I MISS SCHOOL SO MUCH THAT I MADE MY OWN. 613 00:20:55,525 --> 00:20:57,386 WOW. 614 00:20:57,387 --> 00:20:58,687 YOU REALLY CAPTURED IT. 615 00:20:58,688 --> 00:21:01,490 IT EVEN SMELLS LIKE SCHOOL. 616 00:21:01,491 --> 00:21:03,832 YEAH, THAT'S GRILLED CHEESE. 617 00:21:03,833 --> 00:21:06,336 AND SEXUAL FRUSTRATION. 618 00:21:08,838 --> 00:21:10,639 WELL, HOW COME YOU'RE SITTING ALL ALONE 619 00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:13,642 INSTEAD OF OVER HERE WITH YOUR BUDDIES? 620 00:21:13,643 --> 00:21:16,646 I CAN'T SIT THERE. THAT'S THE COOL KIDS' TABLE. 621 00:21:17,877 --> 00:21:19,978 YOU KNOW WHAT, DUDE? "A-PLUS," MAN. 622 00:21:19,979 --> 00:21:21,910 SERIOUSLY, GREAT WORK. YOU KEEP THIS UP, 623 00:21:21,911 --> 00:21:24,283 YOU CAN START BUILDING YOURSELF A GREAT COLLEGE.