1 00:00:07,678 --> 00:00:09,479 "MELISSA AND JOEY" IS RECORDED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE. 2 00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:11,481 OUR SIXTH GRADE GRADUATION PROGRAM? 3 00:00:11,482 --> 00:00:13,243 AUSTIN, HOW DO YOU STILL HAVE THIS? 4 00:00:13,244 --> 00:00:14,744 MY PARENTS KEPT EVERYTHING OF MINE. 5 00:00:14,745 --> 00:00:16,586 EVERY REPORT CARD, EVERY BABY TOOTH, 6 00:00:16,587 --> 00:00:18,248 EVERY UMBILICAL CORD... 7 00:00:18,249 --> 00:00:20,120 PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING THAT FELL OFF OF ME. 8 00:00:20,121 --> 00:00:22,492 AWW, YOUR FAMILY WAS SO... 9 00:00:22,493 --> 00:00:23,653 WEIRD. 10 00:00:23,654 --> 00:00:25,125 ( chuckles ) THEN WHY WERE YOU 11 00:00:25,126 --> 00:00:26,126 ALWAYS OVER AT OUR HOUSE? 12 00:00:26,127 --> 00:00:27,457 BECAUSE YOU HAD FOOD 13 00:00:27,458 --> 00:00:28,758 AND SOBER PEOPLE. 14 00:00:28,759 --> 00:00:29,700 LIKE I SAID, WEIRD. 15 00:00:29,701 --> 00:00:31,231 ( laughs ) 16 00:00:31,232 --> 00:00:33,303 WELL, IT WAS SO GREAT CATCHING UP WITH YOU, MEL. 17 00:00:33,304 --> 00:00:35,435 HEY, YOU FREE FOR LUNCH TOMORROW? 18 00:00:35,436 --> 00:00:37,107 DEPENDS. 19 00:00:37,108 --> 00:00:40,440 ARE YOU GONNA TRY TO GET ME TO SNORT MILK OUT OF MY NOSE LIKE IN THIRD GRADE? 20 00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:42,442 - ABSOLUTELY. - I'M IN! 21 00:00:42,443 --> 00:00:43,473 DON'T WEAR SUEDE. 22 00:00:43,474 --> 00:00:45,615 - GOTCHA. - OH, HEY GUYS. 23 00:00:45,616 --> 00:00:46,776 JOE, THIS IS AUSTIN. 24 00:00:46,777 --> 00:00:47,817 Mel: MY BEST FRIEND GROWING UP. 25 00:00:47,818 --> 00:00:50,350 HIS BANK JUST TRANSFERRED HIM BACK TO TOLEDO. 26 00:00:50,351 --> 00:00:51,622 I USED TO LIVE RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO MEL. 27 00:00:52,623 --> 00:00:54,424 THE SOBER FAMILY. 28 00:00:54,425 --> 00:00:55,755 WITH FOOD. 29 00:00:55,756 --> 00:00:57,827 YOU SEE THERE? THE LEGEND LIVES ON. 30 00:00:57,828 --> 00:00:59,759 ( chuckles ) IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU, JOE. 31 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:01,631 - SAME HERE. - I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW. 32 00:01:01,632 --> 00:01:02,763 ( quietly ) YEAH. 33 00:01:03,834 --> 00:01:05,465 ( door opens ) 34 00:01:05,466 --> 00:01:07,367 ( door closes ) 35 00:01:07,368 --> 00:01:08,598 WOW. 36 00:01:08,599 --> 00:01:09,739 WHAT "WOW"? 37 00:01:09,740 --> 00:01:11,171 OH, NOTHING. IT'S JUST, UH, 38 00:01:11,172 --> 00:01:13,643 I THINK I'M SEEING A RELATIONSHIP START TO... 39 00:01:13,644 --> 00:01:15,305 HOW DO I PUT THIS? 40 00:01:15,306 --> 00:01:16,806 EXPLODE. 41 00:01:16,807 --> 00:01:18,678 OH, PLEASE. ME AND AUSTIN? 42 00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:20,350 NO, WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER SINCE WE WERE BABIES. 43 00:01:20,351 --> 00:01:22,712 WE RODE BIKES TOGETHER, WE PLAYED "CANDY LAND." 44 00:01:22,713 --> 00:01:27,257 OH, SO HE KNOWS THE PATH TO YOUR GUMDROP MOUNTAINS? 45 00:01:27,258 --> 00:01:28,419 CLASSY, LONGO. 46 00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:31,761 A COUPLE OF CHILDREN WHO WERE LIKE BROTHER AND SISTER, 47 00:01:31,762 --> 00:01:33,423 AND YOU HAVE TO GO AND MAKE IT DIRTY. 48 00:01:33,424 --> 00:01:35,325 OUR RELATIONSHIP IS TOTALLY PLATONIC. 49 00:01:35,326 --> 00:01:36,826 YEAH, SURE, FOR LIKE... 50 00:01:36,827 --> 00:01:38,528 ANOTHER 10 MINUTES. 51 00:01:38,529 --> 00:01:41,831 HOW'D YOU GET IN TOUCH WITH AUSTIN AGAIN AFTER ALL THIS TIME? 52 00:01:41,832 --> 00:01:43,374 FACEBOOK. 53 00:01:44,835 --> 00:01:46,536 ARE YOU... ( scoffs ) 54 00:01:46,537 --> 00:01:47,677 WHO FRIENDED WHO? 55 00:01:47,678 --> 00:01:48,778 WHO CARES? 56 00:01:48,779 --> 00:01:50,109 YOU KNOW, IF YOU LOOKED HIM UP, 57 00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:51,281 IT COULD HAVE JUST BEEN OUT OF CURIOSITY. 58 00:01:51,282 --> 00:01:52,542 BUT, COME ON, AUSTIN'S A GUY. 59 00:01:52,543 --> 00:01:54,484 I MEAN, I SERIOUSLY DOUBT HE WAS WONDERING, 60 00:01:54,485 --> 00:01:55,715 "WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THAT CUTE GIRL I USED TO PLAY 'DOCTOR' WITH? 61 00:01:55,716 --> 00:01:58,489 'CAUSE, BOY, IT WOULD SURE SUCK TO HOOK UP WITH HER." 62 00:01:59,750 --> 00:02:01,591 SO IN YOUR SAD MUSCULAR WORLD, 63 00:02:01,592 --> 00:02:02,692 MEN AND WOMEN CAN'T BE FRIENDS? 64 00:02:02,693 --> 00:02:04,694 NO NO NO, THEY CAN BE FRIENDS. 65 00:02:04,695 --> 00:02:07,297 YEAH. I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT EVERY GUY WANTS TO HEAR, YOU KNOW? 66 00:02:07,298 --> 00:02:08,758 "LET'S BE FRIENDS." ( chuckles ) 67 00:02:08,759 --> 00:02:10,761 A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP WITH ZERO CHANCE OF HAVING SEX. 68 00:02:12,663 --> 00:02:13,834 THAT'S THE DREAM. 69 00:02:17,908 --> 00:02:19,869 - ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD ♪ - ♪ All good ♪ 70 00:02:19,870 --> 00:02:21,711 - ♪ IT'S OKAY ♪ - ♪ Okay ♪ 71 00:02:21,712 --> 00:02:23,473 - ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪ - ♪ All right ♪ 72 00:02:23,474 --> 00:02:25,515 ♪ AS FAR AS I CAN SEE ♪ 73 00:02:25,516 --> 00:02:26,746 - ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD ♪ - ♪ All good ♪ 74 00:02:26,747 --> 00:02:29,179 - ♪ IT'S OKAY ♪ - ♪ Okay ♪ 75 00:02:29,180 --> 00:02:30,620 - ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪ - ♪ All right ♪ 76 00:02:30,621 --> 00:02:33,453 ♪ I GUESS YOU'RE STUCK ♪ 77 00:02:33,454 --> 00:02:36,457 ♪ WITH ME ♪ 78 00:02:39,630 --> 00:02:41,791 - MORNING. - MORNING. 79 00:02:41,792 --> 00:02:42,932 YOU DON'T GET DRESSED ANYMORE? 80 00:02:42,933 --> 00:02:44,634 I'M HOMESCHOOLED. 81 00:02:44,635 --> 00:02:47,667 A STAINED BATHROBE IS THE OFFICIAL UNIFORM. 82 00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:50,400 AND "NO FREAKIN' WAY" IS THE OFFICIAL REACTION. 83 00:02:50,401 --> 00:02:52,572 AS YOUR HOME SCHOOL PRINCIPAL, I'M CHANGING THAT. 84 00:02:52,573 --> 00:02:54,674 - GO UPSTAIRS AND PUT ON A SHIRT AND TIE. - BUT... 85 00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:56,677 ONE MORE "BUT," YOU'RE GONNA GET A CREW CUT. 86 00:02:58,609 --> 00:03:01,782 IT'S JUST LIKE PRISON, WITHOUT THE AWESOME SOCIAL LIFE. 87 00:03:04,455 --> 00:03:06,716 NICE WORK. I KNEW THERE WAS A REASON I HIRED YOU. 88 00:03:06,717 --> 00:03:08,758 YEAH, I LIVE FOR THAT STUFF. 89 00:03:08,759 --> 00:03:11,261 HEY. I'M MAKING MONEY ON THE INTERNET 90 00:03:11,262 --> 00:03:13,192 WITHOUT HAVING TO DO ANY ACTUAL WORK. 91 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,865 THAT'S JUST WHAT YOU WANNA HEAR A TEENAGE GIRL SAY. 92 00:03:15,866 --> 00:03:17,567 IGNORE HIM. GO ON. 93 00:03:17,568 --> 00:03:19,569 RELAX, IT'S NOT SKEEZY. 94 00:03:19,570 --> 00:03:22,402 THIS INTERNET AD AGENCY FOUND A SPONSOR FOR MY BLOG, 95 00:03:22,403 --> 00:03:25,635 AND THEY'RE SENDING ME AN ADVANCE FOR THE FIRST THREE MONTHS OF THEIR AD. 96 00:03:25,636 --> 00:03:27,807 THERE YOU GO. THAT'S MY LITTLE CAPITALIST. 97 00:03:27,808 --> 00:03:29,509 CONGRATULATIONS. WHO'S THE SPONSOR? 98 00:03:29,510 --> 00:03:30,680 TAKE A LOOK. 99 00:03:30,681 --> 00:03:32,512 ( cheery music playing, whistling a tune ) 100 00:03:32,513 --> 00:03:33,813 THAT'S SO CUTE. LOOK AT THOSE LITTLE TOP HATS. 101 00:03:33,814 --> 00:03:36,816 WHAT'S THAT? SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE PROM? 102 00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:39,989 KIND OF. KEEP WATCHING. 103 00:03:39,990 --> 00:03:42,693 TOP HAT... 104 00:03:46,957 --> 00:03:47,958 CONDOMS? 105 00:03:49,460 --> 00:03:50,800 YEAH, ISN'T THIS GREAT? 106 00:03:50,801 --> 00:03:52,762 IT TARGETS THE EXACT AUDIENCE I DELIVER THROUGH MY WEBSITE. 107 00:03:52,763 --> 00:03:54,304 AND KA-CHING... ( chuckles ) 108 00:03:54,305 --> 00:03:55,766 SOMEBODY BUYS HERSELF A NEW PHONE. 109 00:03:57,508 --> 00:03:58,568 I'M GONNA LET YOU HANDLE THIS ONE, BURKE. 110 00:03:58,569 --> 00:03:59,569 LOWER THE BOOM. 111 00:03:59,570 --> 00:04:01,010 HAPPY TO. 112 00:04:01,011 --> 00:04:02,542 NICE WORK, LENNOX. 113 00:04:02,543 --> 00:04:03,814 THANKS, AUNT MEL. 114 00:04:05,676 --> 00:04:06,716 I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA LOWER THE BOOM. 115 00:04:06,717 --> 00:04:07,847 WHY DIDN'T YOU LOWER THE BOOM? 116 00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:09,549 WHAT? WE SHOULD BE PROUD OF HER. 117 00:04:09,550 --> 00:04:10,850 IT'S A PERFECTLY LEGITIMATE BUSINESS 118 00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:11,951 AND IT PROMOTES RESPONSIBILITY. 119 00:04:11,952 --> 00:04:14,554 IT PROMOTES DOING IT. 120 00:04:14,555 --> 00:04:17,857 FOR GUYS, SAYING "HELLO" PROMOTES "DOING IT." 121 00:04:17,858 --> 00:04:19,589 BESIDES, SHE'S MAKING MONEY, JOE. 122 00:04:19,590 --> 00:04:20,730 - THINK OF THE MONEY. - I... 123 00:04:20,731 --> 00:04:22,593 MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY. 124 00:04:24,695 --> 00:04:25,965 YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT ACTUALLY IS KINDA HELPING. 125 00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:27,967 OH, BY THE WAY, I WON'T BE HOME TONIGHT. 126 00:04:27,968 --> 00:04:29,499 AUSTIN AND I ARE GONNA GRAB A BITE. 127 00:04:29,500 --> 00:04:31,341 OH. 128 00:04:31,342 --> 00:04:32,602 I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE GONNA HAVE LUNCH. 129 00:04:32,603 --> 00:04:33,903 WE SWITCHED IT TO DINNER. 130 00:04:33,904 --> 00:04:34,904 REALLY? 131 00:04:34,905 --> 00:04:36,446 WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? 132 00:04:36,447 --> 00:04:37,777 DINNER'S JUST LIKE LUNCH. 133 00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:39,779 YEAH, NO NO NO. IT'S, UH, JUST LIKE LUNCH. 134 00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:40,910 YOU KNOW, EXCEPT IT'S MANY MANY... 135 00:04:40,911 --> 00:04:42,752 MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY HOURS LATER, 136 00:04:42,753 --> 00:04:44,754 AND A LOT CLOSER TO, UM... 137 00:04:44,755 --> 00:04:45,716 ( whispering ) BEDTIME. 138 00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:49,659 SO CAN YOU MAKE ANY WORD SOUND CREEPY, 139 00:04:49,660 --> 00:04:51,492 OR JUST ( whispers ) "BEDTIME"? 140 00:04:52,723 --> 00:04:55,695 AUSTIN IS NOT INTO ME. WE'RE FRIENDS! 141 00:04:55,696 --> 00:04:57,727 IF YOU WANNA FIND OUT IF A FRIEND'S INTO YOU OR NOT, 142 00:04:57,728 --> 00:05:00,029 YOU JUST LOOK INTO THEIR EYES... 143 00:05:00,030 --> 00:05:01,401 DEEPLY. 144 00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:03,403 AND IF THEY DON'T LOOK AWAY, 145 00:05:03,404 --> 00:05:04,575 THEN YOU KNOW THAT THEY'RE INTO YOU. 146 00:05:05,836 --> 00:05:07,677 WOW, LOOK AT THE TIME. I GOTTA GO TO WORK. 147 00:05:07,678 --> 00:05:09,308 WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE. I GOT ANOTHER ONE FOR YOU. 148 00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:10,640 ALL RIGHT? 149 00:05:10,641 --> 00:05:12,041 YOU EVER TELL AUSTIN ANY WORK STORIES? 150 00:05:12,042 --> 00:05:13,583 YEAH. SO? 151 00:05:13,584 --> 00:05:15,044 ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN TEST HIM. 152 00:05:15,045 --> 00:05:16,686 IF HE KNOWS MORE THAN 10% OF THE PEOPLE THAT YOU WORK WITH, 153 00:05:16,687 --> 00:05:17,947 THEN HE'S INTO YOU. 154 00:05:17,948 --> 00:05:19,489 'CAUSE GUYS ONLY LISTEN TO WORK STORIES WHEN 155 00:05:19,490 --> 00:05:21,521 THEY'RE TRYING TO RACK UP FREQUENT BOOTY POINTS. 156 00:05:21,522 --> 00:05:24,824 WELL, ACCORDING TO YOUR THEORY, YOU'RE INTO ME. 157 00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:26,826 BECAUSE I TELL YOU WORK STORIES ALL THE TIME. 158 00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:29,059 I DON'T RETAIN ANYTHING YOU SAY, NOTHING AT ALL. 159 00:05:30,701 --> 00:05:32,031 GO AHEAD, TEST ME. 160 00:05:32,032 --> 00:05:33,863 NADINE. THIRD FLOOR. 161 00:05:33,864 --> 00:05:35,034 WHO IS SHE? 162 00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:37,336 NOT RINGING THE FAINTEST OF BELLS. 163 00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:38,838 COME ON, I TALK ABOUT NADINE ALL THE TIME. 164 00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:39,969 HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW NADINE? 165 00:05:39,970 --> 00:05:41,671 YOU KNOW, BURKE, IT'S BEEN THREE YEARS NOW, 166 00:05:41,672 --> 00:05:42,972 SO YOU SHOULD PROBABLY KNOW. 167 00:05:42,973 --> 00:05:45,344 WHEN I LISTEN TO YOU, MOSTLY I HEAR... 168 00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:46,647 ( imitates static ) 169 00:05:53,654 --> 00:05:54,654 YO. 170 00:05:54,655 --> 00:05:55,755 WHAT THE...? 171 00:05:55,756 --> 00:05:57,727 YOU SAID SHIRT AND TIE. 172 00:05:57,728 --> 00:05:59,689 A LITTLE MORE OF THE STUDENT BODY 173 00:05:59,690 --> 00:06:00,991 THAN YOU WANTED TO SEE, HUH, JOE? 174 00:06:05,135 --> 00:06:06,766 - MEL? - HUH? 175 00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:08,468 YOU SEEM A LITTLE DISTRACTED. 176 00:06:08,469 --> 00:06:10,640 I'M SORRY, I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT SOMETHING 177 00:06:10,641 --> 00:06:12,942 NADINE SAID TO ME TODAY AT WORK. 178 00:06:12,943 --> 00:06:15,004 YOU REMEMBER ME MENTIONING NADINE, RIGHT? 179 00:06:15,005 --> 00:06:17,376 TO BE HONEST, I'M NOT GREAT AT NAMES. 180 00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,849 OH, YEAH. I DON'T CARE ONE WAY OR ANOTHER WHETHER YOU'RE PAYING ATTENTION. 181 00:06:19,850 --> 00:06:22,051 MAKES NO DIFFERENCE AT ALL TO ME. 182 00:06:22,052 --> 00:06:23,883 HOLD ON. NADINE? 183 00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,885 SWEATS A LOT? 184 00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:27,417 FALLS ASLEEP AT BUDGET MEETINGS? 185 00:06:27,418 --> 00:06:28,788 TOUCHES ALL THE BAGELS? 186 00:06:28,789 --> 00:06:29,760 WOW. 187 00:06:29,761 --> 00:06:31,390 YOU'RE AN AMAZING LISTENER. 188 00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:34,393 THESE AREN'T JUST TO HANG SUNGLASSES ON. 189 00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:36,426 SO, WHAT'D NADINE DO NOW? 190 00:06:36,427 --> 00:06:38,428 WELL, SHE SHOWED ME SOMETHING TODAY. 191 00:06:38,429 --> 00:06:41,601 SOMETHING I'M ACTUALLY PRETTY HAPPY ABOUT. 192 00:06:41,602 --> 00:06:43,903 - YEAH, WHAT? - WELL... ( sighs ) 193 00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:45,575 HERE IT GOES. 194 00:06:45,576 --> 00:06:47,036 ROSE FOR YOUR LOVELY LADY? 195 00:06:47,037 --> 00:06:48,638 OH, SHE'S NOT MY LADY. 196 00:06:48,639 --> 00:06:50,710 NO, NOT EVEN CLOSE. NO. JUST GO. 197 00:06:50,711 --> 00:06:52,843 GO! THAT COUPLE OVER THERE NEEDS AN AWKWARD MOMENT. 198 00:06:54,685 --> 00:06:57,617 UM, SO, NADINE SHOWED YOU SOMETHING? 199 00:06:57,618 --> 00:07:00,650 YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT? IT TURNS OUT I'M NOT YET CONVINCED. 200 00:07:00,651 --> 00:07:02,121 HEY, DID YOU BRING THAT PHOTO ALBUM? 201 00:07:02,122 --> 00:07:04,594 I AM DYING TO SEE SOME OF THOSE OLD PICTURES OF US. 202 00:07:04,595 --> 00:07:05,955 OH, YEAH. I COULDN'T FIND IT. 203 00:07:05,956 --> 00:07:07,797 BUT I'M STILL LOOKING. 204 00:07:07,798 --> 00:07:09,799 AND LOOKING... 205 00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:12,131 DEEPLY. 206 00:07:12,132 --> 00:07:15,665 I THINK I SEE WHAT'S GOING ON HERE. 207 00:07:15,666 --> 00:07:17,136 STARING CONTEST! 208 00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:19,569 YOU'RE GOING DOWN, BURKE. YOU COULD NEVER BEAT ME AT THIS. 209 00:07:19,570 --> 00:07:21,210 YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING... STARING CONTEST. 210 00:07:21,211 --> 00:07:22,712 ( laughing ) 211 00:07:22,713 --> 00:07:25,044 UH! I LOSE. OH, WELL. 212 00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:27,647 HOW COME YOU DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND? 213 00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:29,649 UM, I DON'T KNOW. I JUST... 214 00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:31,551 HAVEN'T FOUND ANYONE I CAN JUST HANG OUT WITH. 215 00:07:31,552 --> 00:07:32,682 LIKE THIS? 216 00:07:32,683 --> 00:07:34,825 YEAH. LIKE THIS. 217 00:07:40,731 --> 00:07:42,191 JOE THINKS WE MAY BE MORE THAN FRIENDS. 218 00:07:42,192 --> 00:07:43,192 AND I THINK HE MAY BE RIGHT. 219 00:07:43,193 --> 00:07:44,463 AT LEAST I HOPE HE MAY BE RIGHT. 220 00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:46,095 OKAY. UH... 221 00:07:46,096 --> 00:07:47,797 THAT DIDN'T GO WELL AT ALL. ( chuckles nervously ) 222 00:07:47,798 --> 00:07:49,098 I'M JUST GONNA CLOSE MY EYES AND COUNT TO 50. 223 00:07:49,099 --> 00:07:50,469 AND WHEN I LOOK UP, YOU'LL BE GONE 224 00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:51,641 AND WE WON'T SPEAK FOR A FEW MONTHS. 225 00:07:51,642 --> 00:07:52,802 BUT THEN, YOU KNOW, AFTER A WHILE, 226 00:07:52,803 --> 00:07:53,803 WE'LL GO BACK TO BEING FRIENDS 227 00:07:53,804 --> 00:07:54,804 AND PRETEND THIS NEVER HAPPENED. 228 00:07:54,805 --> 00:07:56,846 - ( breathes deeply ) - MEL? 229 00:07:56,847 --> 00:07:58,709 A ROSE FOR MY LADY. 230 00:08:01,752 --> 00:08:03,713 I CAN'T HELP BUT THINK, NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE EVER HAPPENED 231 00:08:03,714 --> 00:08:07,117 IF IT WEREN'T FOR THAT DUMB, SWEATY BITCH NADINE. 232 00:08:12,563 --> 00:08:13,863 HEY, JOE. 233 00:08:13,864 --> 00:08:14,725 ♪ SMILE ♪ 234 00:08:17,127 --> 00:08:19,498 NOW WHEN YOU CALL ME, I WILL SEE YOUR SCOWLING FACE 235 00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:21,501 IN HIGH DEFINITION WITH RETINA DISPLAY. 236 00:08:22,833 --> 00:08:24,634 YOU KNOW, NOT THAT I'M MATERIALISTIC, 237 00:08:24,635 --> 00:08:26,637 BUT.. ♪ I LOVE MY NEW PHONE ♪ 238 00:08:27,778 --> 00:08:29,610 THAT YOU BOUGHT WITH CONDOM MONEY. 239 00:08:30,641 --> 00:08:31,781 EXACTLY. 240 00:08:31,782 --> 00:08:34,113 GOOD OL' AMERICAN CONDOM MONEY. 241 00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:37,647 WHICH I EARNED DOING THE KIND OF BUSINESS ACTIVITY 242 00:08:37,648 --> 00:08:38,948 YOU USUALLY ENCOURAGE. 243 00:08:38,949 --> 00:08:41,120 LET ME TELL YOU WHAT TYPE OF BUSINESS ACTIVITY 244 00:08:41,121 --> 00:08:42,892 YOU'RE ACTUALLY ENCOURAGING WITH THOSE ADS. 245 00:08:42,893 --> 00:08:44,193 YEAH, SURE SURE SURE. JUST HOLD ON. 246 00:08:44,194 --> 00:08:45,595 ( exhales ) LET ME GET READY. 247 00:08:45,596 --> 00:08:46,826 ( rock music playing through headphones ) 248 00:08:46,827 --> 00:08:48,128 WHAT ARE YOU...? 249 00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:51,161 ( loudly ) OKAY, GO. 250 00:08:53,063 --> 00:08:56,836 HEY. I FOUND THAT OLD PHOTO ALBUM AUNT MEL'S BEEN LOOKING FOR. 251 00:08:56,837 --> 00:08:57,837 JOE, CHECK THIS OUT. 252 00:08:57,838 --> 00:08:59,869 WHAT? 253 00:08:59,870 --> 00:09:03,542 AUNT MEL MAKING MUD PIES FOR AUSTIN. 254 00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:06,676 PROBABLY THE MOST EDIBLE THING SHE'S EVER COOKED. 255 00:09:06,677 --> 00:09:08,147 WHAT'S THIS PICTURE OF AUSTIN DOING IN HERE? 256 00:09:08,148 --> 00:09:09,849 I THOUGHT THOSE WERE ONLY CHILDHOOD PHOTOS. 257 00:09:09,850 --> 00:09:11,020 THAT'S NOT AUSTIN. THAT'S, UM, 258 00:09:11,021 --> 00:09:13,022 THAT'S GRANDPA RUSSELL. 259 00:09:13,023 --> 00:09:14,784 HE MUST BE ABOUT THE SAME AGE AUNT MEL IS NOW. 260 00:09:14,785 --> 00:09:16,285 MEL'S DAD LOOKS JUST LIKE AUSTIN. 261 00:09:16,286 --> 00:09:17,957 I GUESS SO. 262 00:09:17,958 --> 00:09:19,128 RIGHT HERE. 263 00:09:19,129 --> 00:09:21,090 THAT'S AUSTIN AS A KID. 264 00:09:21,091 --> 00:09:22,091 WITH HIS FAMILY. 265 00:09:22,092 --> 00:09:23,933 THE BLONDE KID SURROUNDED BY 266 00:09:23,934 --> 00:09:25,264 THE SWARTHY-LOOKING PEOPLE 267 00:09:25,265 --> 00:09:27,867 WITH THE BLACK, CURLY HAIR AND THE GLASSES? 268 00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:28,968 YEAH. 269 00:09:28,969 --> 00:09:29,969 MAYBE HE WAS ADOPTED. 270 00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:31,671 WELL... ( clears throat ) 271 00:09:31,672 --> 00:09:32,842 IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, 272 00:09:32,843 --> 00:09:35,304 I HAVE P.E. OUT IN THE DRIVEWAY. 273 00:09:35,305 --> 00:09:37,307 PLAYING A LITTLE GAME OF ONE-ON-NONE. 274 00:09:38,809 --> 00:09:40,280 GOT A GREAT WINNING STREAK GOING. 275 00:09:41,351 --> 00:09:43,713 SURE. OKAY. 276 00:09:43,714 --> 00:09:44,884 ( door closes ) 277 00:09:44,885 --> 00:09:46,015 YEAH, MAYBE... MAYBE HE WAS ADOPTED. 278 00:09:46,016 --> 00:09:47,356 I MEAN, JUST BECAUSE AUSTIN LOOKS 279 00:09:47,357 --> 00:09:49,358 EXACTLY LIKE MEL'S DAD 280 00:09:49,359 --> 00:09:51,360 AND THEY LIVED NEXT DOOR TO AUSTIN'S... 281 00:09:51,361 --> 00:09:54,023 VERY ATTRACTIVE MOTHER... ( chuckles ) 282 00:09:54,024 --> 00:09:57,196 AND MEL'S DAD HAD A WEAKNESS FOR LADIES. 283 00:09:57,197 --> 00:09:59,028 THERE'S NO REASON TO JUMP TO ANY CONCLUSIONS. 284 00:09:59,029 --> 00:10:01,200 I MEAN, MEL AND AUSTIN ARE JUST FRIENDS 285 00:10:01,201 --> 00:10:02,902 HAVING DINNER RIGHT NOW 286 00:10:02,903 --> 00:10:06,035 BEFORE, UH... 287 00:10:06,036 --> 00:10:07,377 BEDTIME. 288 00:10:09,079 --> 00:10:11,210 WHATEVER YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, IS IT DONE YET? 289 00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:14,013 IT BETTER NOT BE! 290 00:10:14,014 --> 00:10:15,686 OR YOU MIGHT HAVE COUSINS WITH TAILS. 291 00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:25,795 ( romantic acoustic guitar music playing ) 292 00:10:25,796 --> 00:10:28,728 SO ARE WE REALLY GONNA RISK OUR FRIENDSHIP 293 00:10:28,729 --> 00:10:31,030 FOR A STUPID LITTLE... 294 00:10:31,031 --> 00:10:34,203 UNBELIEVABLY HOT MUTUAL ATTRACTION? 295 00:10:34,204 --> 00:10:37,907 WELL, WE COULD KEEP TRYING TO TALK EACH OTHER OUT OF IT 296 00:10:37,908 --> 00:10:42,111 BACK AT MY PLACE, WHICH HAS A BEAUTIFUL VIEW OF THE CITY AND NOBODY ELSE THERE. 297 00:10:42,112 --> 00:10:45,415 OH, WELL, THAT SOUNDS LIKE A LOVELY PLACE TO GET ALL REASONABLE ON EACH OTHER. 298 00:10:47,077 --> 00:10:48,077 YO! 299 00:10:48,078 --> 00:10:49,679 GUYS! 300 00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:51,280 JOE. YOU'RE HERE. 301 00:10:51,281 --> 00:10:53,282 IS THIS... I MEAN, WHAT ARE THE CHANCES? 302 00:10:53,283 --> 00:10:55,825 WHAT A SMALL WORLD, HUH? 303 00:10:55,826 --> 00:10:56,986 ( chuckling ) 304 00:10:56,987 --> 00:10:57,987 YOU GUYS USING THIS CHAIR? 305 00:10:57,988 --> 00:10:59,288 I'M GONNA TAKE IT ANYWAY. 306 00:10:59,289 --> 00:11:01,430 WOW, THIS IS AMAZING. LOOK AT THIS, HUH? 307 00:11:01,431 --> 00:11:04,063 TWO BEST BUDS HERE HAVING DINNER. 308 00:11:04,064 --> 00:11:05,664 AND NOTHING ELSE. 309 00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:06,736 WAITER. ( snaps fingers ) 310 00:11:06,737 --> 00:11:07,897 CAN I GET A MENU PLEASE? 311 00:11:07,898 --> 00:11:09,398 I'M GONNA JOIN MY TWO PLATONIC FRIENDS. 312 00:11:09,399 --> 00:11:10,700 AS LONG AS YOU GUYS DON'T MIND. 313 00:11:10,701 --> 00:11:12,171 WELL, ACTUALLY, WE WERE JUST LEAVING. 314 00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:13,672 YOU'RE JUST LEAVING? OH, MY GOODNESS. 315 00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:15,104 WELL, YOU'RE GONNA GO YOUR SEPARATE WAYS THEN? 316 00:11:15,105 --> 00:11:16,906 AUSTIN, IT WAS SO GREAT TO SEE YOU. 317 00:11:16,907 --> 00:11:19,048 MEL, I'LL SEE YOU, WHAT, AT THE HOUSE IN TWO, THREE MINUTES? 318 00:11:19,049 --> 00:11:21,450 GIVE ME A SEC. JOE? 319 00:11:21,451 --> 00:11:23,282 ABOUT ME AND AUSTIN... THERE IS SOMETHING MORE. 320 00:11:23,283 --> 00:11:24,714 YOU WERE RIGHT. 321 00:11:24,715 --> 00:11:26,015 NO NO NO NO NO NO. I'M... I'M... 322 00:11:26,016 --> 00:11:27,757 I'M NEVER RIGHT. 323 00:11:27,758 --> 00:11:30,089 I WAS TOTALLY BLIND, LONGO. 324 00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:33,062 SO BLIND NOT TO SEE THAT THE PERFECT GUY WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME. 325 00:11:33,063 --> 00:11:35,224 NOW IF YOU DON'T MIND, WE'RE GONNA GO BACK TO HIS PLACE. 326 00:11:35,225 --> 00:11:37,026 NO! NO! YOU, UH... 327 00:11:37,027 --> 00:11:38,697 YOU, UH, CAN'T. 328 00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,169 WHY NOT? 329 00:11:40,170 --> 00:11:42,171 LET ME THINK. 330 00:11:42,172 --> 00:11:44,173 BECAUSE... BECAUSE THERE'S A... THERE'S A... 331 00:11:44,174 --> 00:11:46,135 A SITUATION AT THE HOUSE. ( inhales sharply ) 332 00:11:46,136 --> 00:11:48,177 IT'S KIND OF A FAMILY DEAL. 333 00:11:48,178 --> 00:11:50,479 VERY VERY CLOSE FAMILY. 334 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:54,043 CLOSE THAN YOU'D, UM, THINK. 335 00:11:54,044 --> 00:11:56,115 OKAY, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. 336 00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:58,347 LOOK, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO DEAL WITH. 337 00:11:58,348 --> 00:12:00,020 - YEAH, BUT... - I'LL CALL YOU TOMORROW. 338 00:12:02,022 --> 00:12:04,053 - SEE YOU. - A ROSE FOR YOUR LADY? 339 00:12:04,054 --> 00:12:05,354 WHAT? NO. GOD, NO. SHE'S NOT MY LADY. 340 00:12:05,355 --> 00:12:06,356 I'LL TAKE ONE. 341 00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:09,398 OW. 342 00:12:09,399 --> 00:12:10,761 HE'LL PAY FOR IT. 343 00:12:14,064 --> 00:12:16,235 "CHARGES OF UNFAIR LABOR PRACTICES 344 00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:18,938 AND 16-HOUR SHIFTS WITHOUT BATHROOM BREAKS 345 00:12:18,939 --> 00:12:22,942 CONTINUE TO BE LEVELED AT THE SHINWONG FACTORY WHICH MANUFACTURES MANY PRODUCTS..." 346 00:12:22,943 --> 00:12:24,343 "INCLUDING..." ( key clicks ) 347 00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:25,444 "TOP HAT CONDOMS." 348 00:12:25,445 --> 00:12:27,346 ( sighs ) HOW DID YOU FIND THIS STORY? 349 00:12:27,347 --> 00:12:28,878 YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW WHAT I WAS SEARCHING. 350 00:12:28,879 --> 00:12:30,519 JUST KNOW THAT I FOUND IT, OKAY? 351 00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:32,882 ( groans ) THIS IS AWFUL. 352 00:12:32,883 --> 00:12:34,924 I CAN'T BE INVOLVED WITH THESE PEOPLE. 353 00:12:34,925 --> 00:12:36,055 SO YOU'RE GONNA GIVE THE MONEY BACK? 354 00:12:36,056 --> 00:12:38,057 I CAN'T. 355 00:12:38,058 --> 00:12:42,131 I SPENT IT ON THIS, AND I LOVE IT. 356 00:12:42,132 --> 00:12:44,964 OH, YEAH. YOUR NEW PHONE. 357 00:12:44,965 --> 00:12:46,797 YOU SPENT ALL YOUR INTEGRITY ON IT. 358 00:12:47,898 --> 00:12:49,068 YOU'RE ACTUALLY ENJOYING THIS. 359 00:12:49,069 --> 00:12:50,139 YOU'RE PATHETIC. 360 00:12:50,140 --> 00:12:52,141 TRUE, BUT AT LEAST I'M NOT PAYING 361 00:12:52,142 --> 00:12:54,173 A BUNCH OF CHINESE PEOPLE THREE CENTS AN HOUR 362 00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:56,446 SO I CAN AUTO-TUNE MYSELF SINGING "GANGNAM STYLE." 363 00:13:00,050 --> 00:13:03,552 SO YOU WANNA TELL ME WHAT WAS SO IMPORTANT YOU HAD TO GO AND DESTROY MY DATE? 364 00:13:03,553 --> 00:13:06,785 RYDER FOUND YOUR OLD PHOTO ALBUM, OKAY? 365 00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:07,988 WHAT DO YOU SEE THERE? 366 00:13:09,059 --> 00:13:11,120 A PICTURE OF MY DAD WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER. 367 00:13:11,121 --> 00:13:13,823 MM-HMM. WHO DOES YOUR DAD LOOK LIKE? 368 00:13:13,824 --> 00:13:15,164 MY DAD, 369 00:13:15,165 --> 00:13:16,866 BUT YOUNGER. 370 00:13:16,867 --> 00:13:18,868 COME ON! YOUR DAD LOOKS JUST LIKE AUSTIN. 371 00:13:18,869 --> 00:13:20,329 - LOOK AT THAT. - WHAT? 372 00:13:20,330 --> 00:13:22,431 WELL, MAYBE A LITTLE. 373 00:13:22,432 --> 00:13:23,973 WAIT. 374 00:13:23,974 --> 00:13:25,134 ARE YOU SAYING 375 00:13:25,135 --> 00:13:26,436 I HAVE A "DADDY THING"? 376 00:13:27,437 --> 00:13:29,278 NO, I'M SAYING... 377 00:13:29,279 --> 00:13:31,010 YOU MAY HAVE A "BROTHER THING." 378 00:13:31,011 --> 00:13:33,482 OH, MY GOSH. I TOTALLY GET IT. 379 00:13:33,483 --> 00:13:35,845 YOU'VE COMPLETELY LOST YOUR MIND. 380 00:13:35,846 --> 00:13:37,847 WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE. JUST HEAR ME OUT. 381 00:13:37,848 --> 00:13:40,189 HEAR ME OUT, OKAY? LOOK LOOK, YOU AND AUSTIN GREW UP 382 00:13:40,190 --> 00:13:41,891 RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO EACH OTHER WHEN YOU WERE KIDS, RIGHT? 383 00:13:41,892 --> 00:13:44,523 WE ALL KNOW YOUR DAD HAD A THING FOR LADIES THAT... 384 00:13:44,524 --> 00:13:46,095 WEREN'T YOUR MOM. 385 00:13:46,096 --> 00:13:49,098 ALL RIGHT, AUSTIN LOOKS JUST LIKE YOUR DAD 386 00:13:49,099 --> 00:13:50,399 AND NOTHING LIKE HIS OWN FATHER. 387 00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:51,530 I MEAN, COME ON, BURKE, I HATE TO SAY THIS, 388 00:13:51,531 --> 00:13:53,032 BUT I THINK... I THINK YOUR DAD 389 00:13:53,033 --> 00:13:54,203 MIGHT HAVE GONE OVER TO AUSTIN'S HOUSE 390 00:13:54,204 --> 00:13:56,366 AND, UM, BORROWED SOME SUGAR. 391 00:13:58,038 --> 00:14:00,609 THAT'S CRAZY! AUSTIN'S PARENTS ARE STILL MADLY IN LOVE. 392 00:14:00,610 --> 00:14:02,371 ALL RIGHT, DO ME A FAVOR. JUST ASK YOUR DAD IF HE EVER HAD AN AFFAIR 393 00:14:02,372 --> 00:14:03,372 WITH AUSTIN'S MOM, OKAY? 394 00:14:03,373 --> 00:14:05,144 OH, YEAH, THAT'LL WORK. 395 00:14:05,145 --> 00:14:07,416 MY DAD'S ALWAYS BEEN VERY TRUTHFUL ABOUT ALL THE CHEATING HE'S DONE. 396 00:14:07,417 --> 00:14:09,118 BURKE BURKE. 397 00:14:09,119 --> 00:14:10,279 ( stammering ) THIS IS A BIG DEAL. 398 00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:13,522 THIS COULD BE LIKE... LIKE "STAR WARS" ALL OVER AGAIN. 399 00:14:13,523 --> 00:14:15,224 SERIOUSLY. COME ON. 400 00:14:15,225 --> 00:14:16,886 YOU KNOW, LUKE LIKED LEIA, AND THEN LEIA KISSED LUKE. 401 00:14:16,887 --> 00:14:18,527 AND THEN THEY FOUND OUT THEY WERE BROTHER AND SISTER, 402 00:14:18,528 --> 00:14:21,060 AND SHE WAS LIKE, "OH, GROSS. IT NEVER HAPPENED." 403 00:14:21,061 --> 00:14:22,861 SO IN YOUR WORLD, I'M LEIA? 404 00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:24,233 - AUSTIN IS LUKE. - MM-HMM. 405 00:14:24,234 --> 00:14:25,434 RUSSELL'S DARTH VADER. SO WHAT DOES THAT MAKE YOU? 406 00:14:25,435 --> 00:14:27,166 HAN SOLO? 407 00:14:27,167 --> 00:14:28,998 I DIDN'T ASK TO BE THE COOLEST MAN IN THE UNIVERSE. 408 00:14:28,999 --> 00:14:31,170 IT JUST HAPPENED. 409 00:14:31,171 --> 00:14:32,471 BUT, LOOK, I GOTTA SAY... I MEAN... 410 00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:33,973 ( scoffs, sighs ) 411 00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:35,975 I GOT A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS. 412 00:14:35,976 --> 00:14:38,077 SERIOUSLY. COME ON, BURKE. 413 00:14:38,078 --> 00:14:39,508 YOU HAVE NO DOUBT IN YOUR MIND AT ALL 414 00:14:39,509 --> 00:14:40,509 ABOUT THE WHOLE BROTHER-SISTER THING? 415 00:14:40,510 --> 00:14:42,211 NO. NO DOUBT. 416 00:14:42,212 --> 00:14:44,553 I MEAN, MAYBE LIKE THIS MUCH DOUBT. 417 00:14:44,554 --> 00:14:46,185 SURE IT'S NOT LIKE... 418 00:14:46,186 --> 00:14:48,387 - THIS MUCH DOUBT? - NO. THIS MUCH. 419 00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:49,989 YOU'RE COMFORTABLE WITH THAT MUCH DOUBT? 420 00:14:49,990 --> 00:14:51,520 BECAUSE I THINK ANYTHING MORE THAN THIS MUCH DOUBT 421 00:14:51,521 --> 00:14:53,162 IS TOO MUCH DOUBT. 422 00:14:53,163 --> 00:14:54,994 WELL, I CAN'T ASK MY FATHER. 423 00:14:54,995 --> 00:14:56,125 I CAN'T ASK AUSTIN. 424 00:14:56,126 --> 00:14:57,296 YOU GOT ANY OTHER BRILLIANT SUGGESTIONS? 425 00:14:57,297 --> 00:14:59,999 I DO. READY? 426 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,230 D.N.A. TEST. 427 00:15:01,231 --> 00:15:03,102 D.N.A. TEST? 428 00:15:03,103 --> 00:15:04,903 YEAH, HOW DO YOU SLIDE THAT INTO A DATE? 429 00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:07,307 BETTER FIGURE IT OUT BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE GETS SLID IN. 430 00:15:09,309 --> 00:15:11,180 OH. OKAY. 431 00:15:11,181 --> 00:15:12,641 I'M THE BAD GUY. FINE. 432 00:15:12,642 --> 00:15:13,642 GO SLEEP WITH YOUR BROTHER. 433 00:15:13,643 --> 00:15:14,644 I DON'T CARE. 434 00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:25,394 "THE SIBLING D.N.A. TEST CAN DETERMINE WHETHER... 435 00:15:25,395 --> 00:15:27,496 TWO INDIVIDUALS SHARE ONE OR BOTH PARENTS." 436 00:15:27,497 --> 00:15:30,099 HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET A D.N.A. SAMPLE FROM AUSTIN WITHOUT HIM FINDING OUT? 437 00:15:30,100 --> 00:15:32,431 I'M GONNA TELL YOU. "D.N.A. SAMPLES CAN BE OBTAINED THROUGH 438 00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:35,234 - CHEEK SWABS..." - YEAH, THAT WON'T RAISE ANY SUSPICION. 439 00:15:35,235 --> 00:15:37,106 - "...TISSUES WITH MUCUS..." - NEXT. 440 00:15:37,107 --> 00:15:38,237 - "...BLOOD SAMPLES..." - NEXT. 441 00:15:38,238 --> 00:15:40,509 - "...SEMEN..." - NEXT NEXT NEXT. 442 00:15:40,510 --> 00:15:42,311 "...OR A HAIR SAMPLE." 443 00:15:42,312 --> 00:15:45,075 REALLY? YOU COULDN'T JUST START WITH THAT ONE? 444 00:15:47,978 --> 00:15:49,478 YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU KEPT PUTTING OFF OUR DATE, 445 00:15:49,479 --> 00:15:51,950 I WAS BEGINNING TO THINK YOU WERE HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT US. 446 00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:54,623 NO. SILLY. 447 00:15:54,624 --> 00:15:55,985 HEY, YOU'RE... 448 00:15:55,986 --> 00:15:57,126 YOU'RE GETTING A LITTLE SHAGGY BACK HERE. 449 00:15:57,127 --> 00:15:58,687 DO YOU MIND IF I GIVE YOU A TRIM? 450 00:15:58,688 --> 00:16:00,389 ACTUALLY, I'M TRYING TO GROW IT OUT. 451 00:16:00,390 --> 00:16:02,391 NO NO NO NO NO. I REALLY LIKE IT SHORT. 452 00:16:02,392 --> 00:16:04,063 ( gasps ) LOOK, WHAT I'VE GOT. 453 00:16:04,064 --> 00:16:05,995 ( chuckles ) NO, SERIOUSLY. 454 00:16:05,996 --> 00:16:07,666 - I GOT A GUY I GO TO. - OH! LOOK. 455 00:16:07,667 --> 00:16:09,568 MUCH BETTER. YEAH. 456 00:16:09,569 --> 00:16:11,100 IT WAS JUST A LITTLE COWLICK THING. 457 00:16:11,101 --> 00:16:12,302 MORE WINE? I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 458 00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:18,007 I GOT IT. A GOOD THICK LOCK. 459 00:16:18,008 --> 00:16:19,078 OH. MAN, I'M SLICK. 460 00:16:19,079 --> 00:16:21,081 TOTALLY DISTRACTED HIM WITH MY CLEAVAGE. 461 00:16:25,115 --> 00:16:26,115 WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? 462 00:16:26,116 --> 00:16:27,256 THE D.N.A. SAMPLE. 463 00:16:27,257 --> 00:16:28,617 IT CAN'T BE CUT HAIR. 464 00:16:28,618 --> 00:16:30,659 YOU HAVE TO PULL IT OUT SO THEY CAN TEST THE FOLLICLE. 465 00:16:30,660 --> 00:16:32,161 PULLED OUT? 466 00:16:32,162 --> 00:16:33,763 YEAH. BY THE ROOTS. 467 00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:37,026 OW. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 468 00:16:37,027 --> 00:16:39,028 I WANTED TO SEE IF I COULD DO IT WITHOUT YOU NOTICING. 469 00:16:39,029 --> 00:16:41,400 THIS IS NOT GONNA BE EASY. 470 00:16:41,401 --> 00:16:43,232 COME ON, GIRLS. WE GOT WORK TO DO. 471 00:16:43,233 --> 00:16:44,404 ( clears throat ) 472 00:16:46,306 --> 00:16:48,307 - HEY. - WHERE'S THE WINE? 473 00:16:48,308 --> 00:16:50,509 - HUH? - YOU WERE GOING TO GET US MORE WINE. 474 00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:52,181 OHH. YEAH. 475 00:16:52,182 --> 00:16:54,443 - YOU AND YOUR ADORABLE LISTENING. - ( chuckles softly ) 476 00:16:54,444 --> 00:16:56,445 OW! WHAT WAS THAT?! 477 00:16:56,446 --> 00:16:58,447 OH, I'M SO SORRY. IT GOT CAUGHT IN MY RING. 478 00:16:58,448 --> 00:17:00,789 YOU'RE NOT WEARING A RING. LOOK AT HOW MUCH HAIR YOU PULLED OUT. 479 00:17:00,790 --> 00:17:02,451 I'LL JUST GO THROW IT AWAY IN THE SPECIAL... 480 00:17:02,452 --> 00:17:04,423 HAIR WASTEBASKET IN THE OTHER ROOM. 481 00:17:04,424 --> 00:17:06,095 MEL. MEL. 482 00:17:06,096 --> 00:17:08,357 LOOK, I KNOW SOMETHING'S GOING ON. 483 00:17:08,358 --> 00:17:09,358 NOW WHAT IS IT? 484 00:17:09,359 --> 00:17:11,530 IT'S... ( sighs deeply ) 485 00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:14,363 IT'S... IT'S JOE AND HIS DERANGED LUNATIC THEORIES! 486 00:17:14,364 --> 00:17:17,366 HE TAKES THIS MUCH DOUBT, AND HE PRIES IT UP UNTIL IT'S THIS MUCH DOUBT. 487 00:17:17,367 --> 00:17:20,039 HE'S... HE'S A DOUBT PRIER. JOE IS MRS. DOUBT-PRIER! 488 00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:24,543 OKAY, SO WHAT IS THIS CRAZY THEORY OF HIS? 489 00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:25,544 ( sighs deeply ) 490 00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:28,217 THAT MY DAD... GET THIS... 491 00:17:28,218 --> 00:17:31,080 COULD BE YOUR DAD. 492 00:17:31,081 --> 00:17:33,051 WHICH WOULD MAKE US BROTHER AND SISTER. 493 00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:36,054 ( laughing ) 494 00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:37,386 IT'S LAUGHABLE, RIGHT? 495 00:17:37,387 --> 00:17:39,057 ( laughing softly ) 496 00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:40,489 HOW COME YOU'RE NOT LAUGHING? 497 00:17:40,490 --> 00:17:42,491 YOU SHOULD BE LAUGHING. 498 00:17:42,492 --> 00:17:45,094 LAUGH, DAMMIT! 499 00:17:45,095 --> 00:17:46,565 MEL, WHEN I WAS REALLY LITTLE, 500 00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,437 I WALKED IN ON MY MOM AND YOUR DAD... 501 00:17:48,438 --> 00:17:50,139 WHOA, YOU SAW THEM? 502 00:17:50,140 --> 00:17:51,440 AND YOU STILL INVITED ME BACK TO YOUR PLA... 503 00:17:51,441 --> 00:17:53,542 HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN "STAR WARS"?! 504 00:17:53,543 --> 00:17:55,544 NO, THEY WEREN'T DOING ANYTHING. 505 00:17:55,545 --> 00:17:57,075 I WALKED IN ON THEM IN THE KITCHEN. 506 00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:59,108 IT WAS JUST A LOOK, LIKE I'D INTERRUPTED SOMETHING. 507 00:17:59,109 --> 00:18:01,280 AFTER THAT, I NEVER THOUGHT MUCH ABOUT IT. 508 00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:04,213 UNTIL NOW. YOU REALLY THINK THAT'S POSSIBLE? 509 00:18:04,214 --> 00:18:06,355 NO, IT'S NOT EVEN REMOTELY POSSIBLE. 510 00:18:06,356 --> 00:18:09,718 MY GOD, YOU HAVE MY EYES! 511 00:18:09,719 --> 00:18:11,790 I THINK WE NEED TO DO A D.N.A. TEST. 512 00:18:11,791 --> 00:18:13,823 WAY AHEAD OF YOU. 513 00:18:19,729 --> 00:18:21,731 ( ringing ) 514 00:18:24,174 --> 00:18:26,104 AREN'T YOU GONNA ANSWER THAT? 515 00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:27,176 NO. 516 00:18:27,177 --> 00:18:28,637 WHY NOT? WHO IS IT? 517 00:18:28,638 --> 00:18:30,809 THE SOULS OF THOUSANDS OF UNDERPAID, 518 00:18:30,810 --> 00:18:33,612 OVERWORKED CHINESE LABORERS. 519 00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:35,285 HOW'D THEY GET YOUR NUMBER? 520 00:18:36,346 --> 00:18:38,187 THE COMPANY THAT MAKES THE CONDOMS 521 00:18:38,188 --> 00:18:39,818 THAT BOUGHT THE ADS THAT PAID FOR MY PHONE 522 00:18:39,819 --> 00:18:41,820 IS VERY VERY BAD, 523 00:18:41,821 --> 00:18:43,823 BUT THE PHONE ITSELF IS VERY VERY GOOD. 524 00:18:45,495 --> 00:18:47,456 SO YOUR PLAN IS TO KEEP THE PHONE, 525 00:18:47,457 --> 00:18:49,298 BUT NEVER EVER ANSWER IT? 526 00:18:49,299 --> 00:18:51,830 SOMETHING LIKE THAT. I DON'T HAVE IT ALL WORKED OUT. 527 00:18:51,831 --> 00:18:53,662 YOU KNOW, IT SEEMS TO ME THAT THE RIGHT THING FOR YOU TO DO 528 00:18:53,663 --> 00:18:54,903 IS TO GIVE UP THE PHONE. 529 00:18:54,904 --> 00:18:57,666 BUT WHERE AM I EVER GONNA GET ANOTHER ONE THIS COOL? 530 00:18:57,667 --> 00:18:59,808 YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU CAN HAVE MINE. 531 00:18:59,809 --> 00:19:02,341 IT'S ONLY A YEAR OLDER AND HAS MOST OF THE SAME FEATURES. 532 00:19:02,342 --> 00:19:03,512 BUT WITHOUT THE GUILT. 533 00:19:03,513 --> 00:19:05,143 BUT THEN WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO FOR A PHONE? 534 00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:07,246 OH, I'LL FIGURE SOMETHING OUT. 535 00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:08,348 AWESOME! THANKS, AUNT MEL. 536 00:19:10,820 --> 00:19:12,182 UPGRADE! 537 00:19:13,523 --> 00:19:14,923 BILL, BILL, 538 00:19:14,924 --> 00:19:16,425 BILL... 539 00:19:16,426 --> 00:19:17,426 D.N.A. TEST RESULTS. 540 00:19:17,427 --> 00:19:18,588 - GIVE ME THAT! - BILL... 541 00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:21,660 AREN'T YOU GONNA OPEN THAT? 542 00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:23,832 OH, I PROMISED AUSTIN WE'D OPEN IT TOGETHER. 543 00:19:23,833 --> 00:19:25,194 WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? LET ME HOLD ON TO IT. 544 00:19:25,195 --> 00:19:26,835 THEN THAT WAY YOU WON'T BE TEMPTED. 545 00:19:26,836 --> 00:19:28,368 - GOOD IDEA. - ALL RIGHT. 546 00:19:30,500 --> 00:19:32,341 - HEY! - WHAT? 547 00:19:32,342 --> 00:19:33,442 YOU'RE THE ONE THAT PROMISED AUSTIN. 548 00:19:33,443 --> 00:19:34,444 I DIDN'T PROMISE JACK. 549 00:19:36,846 --> 00:19:37,876 WOW. 550 00:19:37,877 --> 00:19:39,248 OKAY. 551 00:19:39,249 --> 00:19:40,249 THERE IT IS. 552 00:19:40,250 --> 00:19:42,181 OH, MY. NOW WE KNOW. 553 00:19:43,313 --> 00:19:45,184 I MEAN, NOW I KNOW. 554 00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:47,586 ( exhaling ) WOW. 555 00:19:47,587 --> 00:19:48,587 I GOT CLOTHES IN THE DRYER. 556 00:19:48,588 --> 00:19:49,718 HUH? JOE! 557 00:19:49,719 --> 00:19:50,859 COME ON, YOU GOTTA TELL ME. 558 00:19:50,860 --> 00:19:52,391 I MEAN, THIS ISN'T JUST ANOTHER GUY I MET; 559 00:19:52,392 --> 00:19:53,893 THIS COULD BE SOMETHING. 560 00:19:56,496 --> 00:19:57,566 YOU AND AUSTIN ARE NOT BROTHER AND SISTER. 561 00:19:57,567 --> 00:19:58,567 THERE'S NO MATCH. 562 00:19:58,568 --> 00:20:00,729 OHH! YES. 563 00:20:00,730 --> 00:20:02,401 I CAN'T WAIT TO SHOW AUSTIN 564 00:20:02,402 --> 00:20:03,602 AND PRETEND LIKE I DIDN'T SEE IT. 565 00:20:03,603 --> 00:20:04,773 OOH! 566 00:20:04,774 --> 00:20:05,934 HERE'S MY "SURPRISE" FACE. 567 00:20:05,935 --> 00:20:07,506 ( gasps ) 568 00:20:07,507 --> 00:20:08,977 WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE. 569 00:20:08,978 --> 00:20:11,440 WHAT IF HE NOTICES THAT YOU ALREADY OPENED UP THE ENVELOPE? 570 00:20:11,441 --> 00:20:12,942 OH, WELL, THEN I DO THIS ONE. 571 00:20:14,844 --> 00:20:16,845 OH, NOW THERE'S NOTHING KEEPING US APART. 572 00:20:16,846 --> 00:20:18,347 ISN'T THIS GREAT? 573 00:20:18,348 --> 00:20:20,349 YUP. 574 00:20:20,350 --> 00:20:21,691 ( flatly ) IT'S AWESOME. 575 00:20:28,758 --> 00:20:30,659 - THIS IS GREAT NEWS. - YEAH. 576 00:20:30,660 --> 00:20:32,661 SO WE'RE GOOD TO GO. 577 00:20:32,662 --> 00:20:34,334 YEAH. 578 00:20:38,638 --> 00:20:39,908 WAIT WAIT. ( sighs ) 579 00:20:39,909 --> 00:20:41,270 IS THIS TOO WEIRD? 580 00:20:41,271 --> 00:20:43,442 UP UNTIL KINDERGARTEN, WE TOOK BATHS TOGETHER. 581 00:20:43,443 --> 00:20:45,914 YOU WERE LIKE THE BROTHER I NEVER HAD. 582 00:20:45,915 --> 00:20:47,916 ARE WE REALLY GONNA KISS? 583 00:20:47,917 --> 00:20:49,318 YOU KNOW, WITH TONGUE? 584 00:20:49,319 --> 00:20:51,820 THAT WAS THE PLAN. 585 00:20:51,821 --> 00:20:52,822 ( chuckles ) 586 00:20:53,883 --> 00:20:55,454 WHAT IF IT'S... ( sighs ) 587 00:20:55,455 --> 00:20:56,455 YOU KNOW? 588 00:20:56,456 --> 00:20:57,786 WEIRD? GROSS? 589 00:20:57,787 --> 00:21:00,489 WAY TO SELL IT. 590 00:21:00,490 --> 00:21:03,492 MEL, IT MIGHT BE ALL OF THOSE THINGS. 591 00:21:03,493 --> 00:21:05,295 BUT THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY WE'RE GONNA FIND OUT. 592 00:21:14,544 --> 00:21:15,844 - WELL? - AGAIN?! 593 00:21:15,845 --> 00:21:17,006 SURE!