1 00:00:06,337 --> 00:00:09,609 "MELISSA AND JOEY" IS RECORDED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE. 2 00:00:09,610 --> 00:00:11,441 JOE! 3 00:00:11,442 --> 00:00:13,413 - YOU'RE A GUY. - YES. 4 00:00:13,414 --> 00:00:15,545 AND I NEVER GET TIRED OF HEARING THAT. 5 00:00:15,546 --> 00:00:16,716 WHAT WOULD BE YOUR IDEA 6 00:00:16,717 --> 00:00:18,788 OF THE MOST AWESOME BIRTHDAY PRESENT EVER? 7 00:00:18,789 --> 00:00:22,152 UM, A SUBSCRIPTION TO THE "SINGLE MALT SCOTCH OF THE MONTH CLUB" 8 00:00:22,153 --> 00:00:24,495 HAND DELIVERED BY KATE UPTON ON A 60-FOOT YACHT. 9 00:00:26,197 --> 00:00:28,528 SOMEONE HAS GIVEN THIS WAY TOO MUCH THOUGHT. 10 00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:30,630 OKAY, NO NO NO NO NO. THIS GIFT IS FOR ZANDER. 11 00:00:30,631 --> 00:00:32,632 SEE, HE'S TURNING 18 NEXT WEEK, 12 00:00:32,633 --> 00:00:34,504 AND I WANNA GET HIM THE MOST PERSONAL, 13 00:00:34,505 --> 00:00:35,765 MOST UNIQUE GIFT EVER. 14 00:00:35,766 --> 00:00:38,138 OOH! YOU CAN GET HIM A CUSTOM-MADE WAFFLE IRON 15 00:00:38,139 --> 00:00:39,609 THAT MAKES WAFFLES WITH YOUR NAME ON THEM 16 00:00:39,610 --> 00:00:41,311 OR YOUR FAMILY CREST. 17 00:00:41,312 --> 00:00:43,144 THE BURKE FAMILY HAS A RABBIT WEARING A HELMET. 18 00:00:44,515 --> 00:00:46,177 AND I'VE GIVEN IT TOO MUCH THOUGHT? 19 00:00:47,518 --> 00:00:49,479 I'M GONNA STICK WITH MY ORIGINAL IDEA. 20 00:00:49,480 --> 00:00:51,821 I'M GIVING HIM SOMETHING REALLY SPECIAL AND PERSONAL 21 00:00:51,822 --> 00:00:53,423 HE'LL REMEMBER FOREVER. 22 00:00:53,424 --> 00:00:54,785 ( both chuckle ) 23 00:01:00,391 --> 00:01:02,492 WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ABOUT? 24 00:01:02,493 --> 00:01:04,634 THAT WAS INCEPTION, BABY. 25 00:01:04,635 --> 00:01:06,697 YEAH, THAT WAFFLE IRON IS AS GOOD AS MINE. 26 00:01:07,698 --> 00:01:09,068 NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! 27 00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:10,200 ( stammering ) WHAT LENNOX JUST SAID 28 00:01:10,201 --> 00:01:11,671 ABOUT GIVING ZANDER SOMETHING PERSONAL, 29 00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:13,503 SPECIAL, SOMETHING HE'LL REMEMBER FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. 30 00:01:13,504 --> 00:01:15,505 WAS THAT... WHAT THAT CODE FOR, 31 00:01:15,506 --> 00:01:17,677 YOU KNOW, HER, UM... 32 00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:19,709 PRECIOUS FLOWER? 33 00:01:19,710 --> 00:01:21,511 WOULD YOU CALM DOWN? 34 00:01:21,512 --> 00:01:22,812 HEY, I AM CALM, ALL RIGHT? 35 00:01:22,813 --> 00:01:24,514 I AM TOTALLY UNDER CONTROL. ( laughs ) 36 00:01:24,515 --> 00:01:25,786 YEAH, YOU'RE DRINKING HOT SAUCE. 37 00:01:29,390 --> 00:01:30,361 ( high-pitched ) I MEANT TO. 38 00:01:31,722 --> 00:01:33,523 ( coughs ) AND YOU KNOW WHAT? 39 00:01:33,524 --> 00:01:36,366 ACTUALLY, THAT SEARING IN MY MOUTH HAS JUST GIVEN ME AN IDEA. 40 00:01:36,367 --> 00:01:38,268 ZANDER'S ABOUT TO TURN 18, RIGHT? 41 00:01:38,269 --> 00:01:40,270 - IF YOU LET HIM. - OKAY. OKAY. 42 00:01:40,271 --> 00:01:42,402 SO AS SOON AS ZANDER HITS THAT MAGIC NUMBER, 43 00:01:42,403 --> 00:01:43,873 ANYTHING HE'S PLANNING ON DOING WITH LENNOX, 44 00:01:43,874 --> 00:01:45,535 WHO'S A MINOR, GOES FROM FUN TO FELONY. 45 00:01:45,536 --> 00:01:48,538 SO ALL I HAVE TO DO IS KEEP HIM EXHAUSTED AND OCCUPIED 46 00:01:48,539 --> 00:01:50,380 FOR THE NEXT FIVE DAYS, WHICH MEANS... ( chuckles ) 47 00:01:50,381 --> 00:01:54,545 I AM GONNA BE ON HIM LIKE YOUR MOUTH ON A WINE GLASS. 48 00:01:56,387 --> 00:01:57,687 OKAY, RELAX, JOE. 49 00:01:57,688 --> 00:01:59,689 LENNOX AND I SHARE A SPECIAL WOMANLY BOND. 50 00:01:59,690 --> 00:02:01,691 IF ANYTHING WERE ON THE VERGE OF HAPPENING I WOULD KNOW ABOUT IT, 51 00:02:01,692 --> 00:02:03,523 BECAUSE LENNOX WOULD HAVE TOLD ME. 52 00:02:03,524 --> 00:02:05,225 YEAH, 'CAUSE THAT'S EVERY TEENAGE GIRL'S FAVORITE PART 53 00:02:05,226 --> 00:02:07,297 ABOUT LOSING HER VIRGINITY, IS GIVING HER AUNT THE HEADS-UP. 54 00:02:07,298 --> 00:02:08,428 YOU KNOW? ( chuckles ) 55 00:02:08,429 --> 00:02:10,601 "YO, AUNT. CHECK IT. I'M ABOUT TO WRECK IT." 56 00:02:15,236 --> 00:02:19,710 ♪ I GUESS YOU'RE STUCK WITH ME ♪ 57 00:02:23,914 --> 00:02:25,375 SO WHY ARE WE STOPPING HERE? 58 00:02:25,376 --> 00:02:26,676 I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME TO GIVE YOU A PERSONAL TOUR 59 00:02:26,677 --> 00:02:28,748 OF THE STIEGLITZ RETROSPECTIVE AT THE MUSEUM. 60 00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:31,722 DUDE, DO I LOOK LIKE I WANNA SEE YOUR STIEGLITZ? 61 00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:34,184 GET IN HERE. 62 00:02:34,185 --> 00:02:35,425 NO, THIS IS A LITTLE 63 00:02:35,426 --> 00:02:38,428 EARLY BIRTHDAY PRESENT, YOU ALMOST-LEGAL ADULT, YOU. 64 00:02:38,429 --> 00:02:40,461 ( chuckles ) SURPRISE. 65 00:02:41,392 --> 00:02:42,663 YOU'RE LOCKING ME IN A CAGE. 66 00:02:44,335 --> 00:02:45,466 OH, IF ONLY IT WAS THAT EASY. 67 00:02:47,238 --> 00:02:49,369 NO. ZANDER... 68 00:02:49,370 --> 00:02:51,372 YOU KNOW, I'VE JUST BEEN THINKING, MAN. 69 00:02:53,304 --> 00:02:55,306 YOU AND LENNOX HAVE BEEN, UH, DATING FOR A WHILE NOW, RIGHT? 70 00:02:57,278 --> 00:02:58,908 AND YOU TWO GUYS HAVE BECOME QUITE CLOSE. 71 00:02:58,909 --> 00:03:01,281 ( chuckles ) 72 00:03:01,282 --> 00:03:02,952 I WANT YOU AND ME TO BE THAT CLOSE. 73 00:03:02,953 --> 00:03:05,485 YOU KNOW, I WANNA GET TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU. 74 00:03:05,486 --> 00:03:07,557 YOU KNOW, LIKE, UH... 75 00:03:07,558 --> 00:03:08,619 WHAT TERRIFIES YOU. 76 00:03:10,391 --> 00:03:12,463 WHAT YOUR THRESHOLD FOR PAIN IS. 77 00:03:16,497 --> 00:03:18,868 ALL RIGHT. YOU'RE UP, STIEGLITZ. 78 00:03:18,869 --> 00:03:21,532 - UH, STIEGLITZ WAS A PHOTOGRAPHER... - I DON'T CARE. 79 00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:31,241 - ISN'T THIS FUN? - NO. 80 00:03:31,242 --> 00:03:32,712 GREAT. GREAT. 81 00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:33,783 ALL RIGHT. HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? 82 00:03:33,784 --> 00:03:34,944 TOMORROW NIGHT... YOU AND ME... 83 00:03:34,945 --> 00:03:36,416 WE'RE GONNA BE PLAYING A LITTLE BASKETBALL. 84 00:03:36,417 --> 00:03:37,547 OH! AND THE NIGHT AFTER THAT... 85 00:03:37,548 --> 00:03:38,818 GOT US HOCKEY TICKETS, BUDDY. 86 00:03:38,819 --> 00:03:40,320 UM... UH... 87 00:03:40,321 --> 00:03:42,452 - DON'T SAY NO. - OKAY. 88 00:03:42,453 --> 00:03:43,823 THAT DOESN'T REALLY LEAVE ME A WHOLE LOT OF TIME 89 00:03:43,824 --> 00:03:44,824 TO SPEND WITH LENNOX. 90 00:03:44,825 --> 00:03:45,995 HUH. 91 00:03:45,996 --> 00:03:47,328 HOW ABOUT THAT. 92 00:03:48,329 --> 00:03:50,500 OW! OHH! 93 00:03:50,501 --> 00:03:51,802 OKAY, I THINK WE'RE WARMED UP. 94 00:03:53,003 --> 00:03:54,864 NOW LET'S TRY SOME FAST ONES, HUH? 95 00:03:54,865 --> 00:03:56,536 - ( dial clicks ) - ACTUALLY, I COULD USE SOME ICE, YOU KNOW... 96 00:03:56,537 --> 00:03:57,868 ( laughs ) 97 00:04:00,441 --> 00:04:01,771 OH, NO. 98 00:04:01,772 --> 00:04:03,773 THERE WE GO. NO NO NO NO NO NO. 99 00:04:03,774 --> 00:04:05,315 STAY IN THERE, OKAY? 100 00:04:05,316 --> 00:04:07,016 'CAUSE THE MACHINE CAN SENSE FEAR. GO. 101 00:04:07,017 --> 00:04:08,018 ( mouths ) 102 00:04:10,881 --> 00:04:15,425 SO KEIRA, FOR THE LAST ONE I GOT TWO-X EQUALS "X." 103 00:04:15,426 --> 00:04:16,456 THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT. 104 00:04:16,457 --> 00:04:18,588 ( sighs ) RYDER, REALLY? 105 00:04:18,589 --> 00:04:21,391 WHO CAN THINK ABOUT MATH WHEN I JUST LEARNED THE TRUTH? 106 00:04:21,392 --> 00:04:22,532 THE WHAT? 107 00:04:22,533 --> 00:04:25,335 I FOUND OUT WHY YOU WERE SUSPENDED FROM SCHOOL. 108 00:04:25,336 --> 00:04:27,767 - UH... - FOR CRIMINAL ACTIVITY? 109 00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:31,341 ( sighs ) UM, THAT'S NOT SOMETHING I REALLY WANNA TALK ABOUT. 110 00:04:31,342 --> 00:04:32,802 I WISH YOU WOULD. 111 00:04:32,803 --> 00:04:34,804 OKAY. I COULD TALK ABOUT IT A LITTLE BIT. 112 00:04:34,805 --> 00:04:36,476 ( clears throat ) 113 00:04:36,477 --> 00:04:38,448 I'VE BEEN HOMESCHOOLED MY WHOLE LIFE, AND... 114 00:04:38,449 --> 00:04:40,450 I'VE NEVER MET ANYBODY WHO HAD DETENTION, 115 00:04:40,451 --> 00:04:43,454 MUCH LESS SUSPENDED FOR MARIJUANA. 116 00:04:44,885 --> 00:04:47,317 YOU'RE SO DANGEROUS. 117 00:04:47,318 --> 00:04:49,589 EVEN YOUR MOUTH LOOKS DANGEROUS. 118 00:04:49,590 --> 00:04:51,592 IT'S... IT'S NOT. I JUST BRUSHED. 119 00:04:54,365 --> 00:04:56,366 ( rooster crows ) 120 00:04:56,367 --> 00:04:58,369 OH, FIDDLESTICKS! 121 00:05:00,471 --> 00:05:03,433 - THAT'S MY ALARM. - WHERE ARE YOU GOING? 122 00:05:03,434 --> 00:05:06,005 MY MOMS ARE SUPER-STRICT ABOUT STARTING FAMILY MEALS ON TIME, 123 00:05:06,006 --> 00:05:08,008 AND I'M NOT WILLING TO BREAK THE RULES. 124 00:05:09,580 --> 00:05:11,981 ♪ UNLIKE YOU ♪ 125 00:05:11,982 --> 00:05:14,043 DON'T FORGET WHERE WE LEFT OFF. 126 00:05:14,044 --> 00:05:15,886 I'LL BE REMEMBERING IT ALL NIGHT. 127 00:05:18,088 --> 00:05:19,589 - HEY, BRO. - ( door closes ) 128 00:05:19,590 --> 00:05:21,621 YOU'RE LOOKING MORE CONFUSED THAN USUAL. 129 00:05:21,622 --> 00:05:24,654 KEIRA JUST SAID THAT SHE LOVED THAT I'M A BAD BOY. 130 00:05:24,655 --> 00:05:27,457 MAYBE SHE MEANT YOU'RE BAD AT BEING A BOY. 131 00:05:27,458 --> 00:05:30,500 ( chuckles ) SHE FOUND OUT WHY I GOT SUSPENDED FROM SCHOOL 132 00:05:30,501 --> 00:05:33,533 AND NOW SHE THINKS I'M SOME KIND OF DANGEROUS CRIMINAL OR SOMETHING. 133 00:05:33,534 --> 00:05:35,034 YOU, DANGEROUS? 134 00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:36,866 THE ONE TIME YOU PLAYED "GRAND THEFT AUTO" 135 00:05:36,867 --> 00:05:38,869 YOU UNIONIZED THE PROSTITUTES. 136 00:05:39,970 --> 00:05:41,471 WHAT DO I DO? 137 00:05:41,472 --> 00:05:43,473 SHE'S THE ONLY GIRL IN MY SHRUNKEN... 138 00:05:43,474 --> 00:05:45,515 SOCIAL UNIVERSE. I CAN'T BLOW THIS. 139 00:05:45,516 --> 00:05:47,346 WELL, IF KEIRA THINKS YOU'RE A BAD BOY, 140 00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,649 MY GUESS IS YOU BETTER BE A BAD BOY. 141 00:05:49,650 --> 00:05:51,822 SO LET'S SEE WHAT WE CAN DO HERE. 142 00:06:00,891 --> 00:06:02,563 WHAT UP, DAWG? 143 00:06:07,097 --> 00:06:09,399 HEY, SO I JUST DROPPED ZANDER OFF AT HOME. 144 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:11,401 AFTER THREE HOURS OF PITCHES, THE KID PRACTICALLY NEEDED 145 00:06:11,402 --> 00:06:13,002 A FULL-BODY ICE PACK. ( laughs ) 146 00:06:13,003 --> 00:06:15,675 I THINK HE WAS CRYING. 147 00:06:15,676 --> 00:06:17,507 UH, JOE, TAKE A LOOK. 148 00:06:17,508 --> 00:06:19,679 LENNOX POSTED THIS ON HER BLOG A COUPLE DAYS AGO. 149 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:22,852 I JUST SAW IT NOW. READ THE TITLE. 150 00:06:22,853 --> 00:06:24,855 "WHY URINALS ARE INHERENTLY SEXIST." 151 00:06:26,717 --> 00:06:28,518 NOT THAT ONE, THE NEXT ONE. 152 00:06:28,519 --> 00:06:29,860 "I LOST IT. SO WHAT?" 153 00:06:31,422 --> 00:06:33,593 NO. NO. 154 00:06:33,594 --> 00:06:36,496 NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! 155 00:06:36,497 --> 00:06:39,629 "WHEN I LOST MY VIRGINITY, ALL I LOST WAS MY MISCONCEPTION 156 00:06:39,630 --> 00:06:41,971 THAT HAVING SEX IS A BIG LIFE-CHANGING EXPERIENCE. 157 00:06:41,972 --> 00:06:44,133 IT'S NOT. DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPE. 158 00:06:44,134 --> 00:06:45,605 JUST BECAUSE THE TWO OF YOU GOT NAKED..." 159 00:06:45,606 --> 00:06:48,107 WILL YOU STOP READING?! WILL YOU JUST STOP IT?! 160 00:06:48,108 --> 00:06:50,440 DAMN, MAN! I PUT ALL THIS TIME AND ENERGY INTO PREVENTING THE CRIME, 161 00:06:50,441 --> 00:06:52,011 AND THE KID ALREADY ROBBED THE BANK. 162 00:06:52,012 --> 00:06:55,685 I JUST FEEL AWFUL THAT LENNOX'S SEX LIFE IS OFF TO A LOUSY START. 163 00:06:55,686 --> 00:06:57,617 SEX SHOULD BE FUN AND ENJOYABLE. 164 00:06:57,618 --> 00:06:59,789 ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! 165 00:06:59,790 --> 00:07:01,451 SEX IS BAD. 166 00:07:01,452 --> 00:07:03,593 SEX SHOULD BE SAD AND HORRIBLE AND... 167 00:07:03,594 --> 00:07:04,754 SHAMEFUL. 168 00:07:04,755 --> 00:07:07,497 WELL, I'M SURE IT IS FOR THE WOMEN YOU'RE WITH. 169 00:07:07,498 --> 00:07:09,499 BUT LENNOX DESERVES BETTER. 170 00:07:09,500 --> 00:07:10,800 YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA HELP MY NIECE 171 00:07:10,801 --> 00:07:12,462 HAVE A MORE REWARDING SEX LIFE. 172 00:07:12,463 --> 00:07:14,864 REWARDING SEX! WHAT IS THIS, FRANCE?! 173 00:07:14,865 --> 00:07:17,507 OOH! I'VE GOT JUST THE PERFECT THING. 174 00:07:17,508 --> 00:07:18,708 YOU C... 175 00:07:18,709 --> 00:07:20,711 HEY, DOES FOREVER 21 MAKE A CHASTITY BELT? 176 00:07:23,774 --> 00:07:24,844 "A GUIDE TO INTIMACY: 177 00:07:24,845 --> 00:07:26,847 THE SABRE AND THE LOTUS." 178 00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:31,781 A SEX MANUAL?! WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU GIVE LENNOX THAT? 179 00:07:31,782 --> 00:07:34,624 JOE, SHE'S ALREADY DOING IT. THAT SHIP HAS SAILED. 180 00:07:34,625 --> 00:07:36,455 YEAH, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? THERE'S STILL A CHANCE 181 00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:37,957 THAT IT CAN HIT AN ICEBERG AND EVERYBODY WILL DROWN. 182 00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:40,560 WE CAN'T GIVE UP HOPE. 183 00:07:40,561 --> 00:07:42,862 WHAT'S DONE IS DONE. SO NOW THE QUESTION IS: 184 00:07:42,863 --> 00:07:45,535 HOW ARE YOU GONNA HANDLE LENNOX BEING SEXUALLY ACTIVE? 185 00:07:45,536 --> 00:07:46,996 GOOD OLD-FASHIONED DENIAL. 186 00:07:46,997 --> 00:07:48,838 YOU KNOW? 187 00:07:48,839 --> 00:07:51,841 'CAUSE, UH, IN HERE, LENNOX IS GONNA BE THAT... 188 00:07:51,842 --> 00:07:53,643 THAT INNOCENT GIRL I'VE ALWAYS KNOWN. 189 00:07:53,644 --> 00:07:55,545 WHAT, YOU'VE ONLY KNOWN HER SINCE SHE WAS 14. 190 00:07:55,546 --> 00:07:56,846 YEAH, A VERY INNOCENT 14, OKAY? 191 00:07:56,847 --> 00:07:58,809 NOT... NOT YOU 14. 192 00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,512 WHOA, HEY! 193 00:08:02,513 --> 00:08:04,515 I THOUGHT I INVENTED THAT. 194 00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:11,521 ( knocks on door ) 195 00:08:11,522 --> 00:08:13,793 HEY, LEN. WHAT'S UP? 196 00:08:13,794 --> 00:08:16,766 - NOTHIN'. - SOUNDS FUN. 197 00:08:16,767 --> 00:08:17,927 UM... ( clears throat ) 198 00:08:17,928 --> 00:08:19,268 YOU KNOW, SPEAKING OF FUN, 199 00:08:19,269 --> 00:08:20,900 I READ YOUR BLOG. 200 00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:23,202 YOU KNOW, THE ONE ABOUT, UM... 201 00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:25,004 ABOUT THE THING. 202 00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:26,505 THE, UH... ( exhales ) 203 00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:27,777 FIRST TIME. 204 00:08:27,778 --> 00:08:30,239 ( groaning ) OH, GOD. 205 00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:32,241 YEAH, I'M JUST KINDA CURIOUS 206 00:08:32,242 --> 00:08:34,113 WHY YOU HAD TO BLOG ABOUT THAT TO THE WHOLE WORLD 207 00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:36,115 INSTEAD OF, YOU KNOW, 208 00:08:36,116 --> 00:08:38,247 COMING AND TALKING TO YOUR GOOD OL' UNDERSTANDING 209 00:08:38,248 --> 00:08:39,919 AUNT MEL. 210 00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:41,591 MY BLOG IS FOR MY PEERS... 211 00:08:41,592 --> 00:08:43,923 OTHER GIRLS WHO MIGHT BE HAVING SEX FOR THEIR FIRST TIME. 212 00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:45,925 AND, NO OFFENSE, BUT 213 00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:49,098 I HAVE A PRETTY STRONG FEELING THAT'S NOT YOU. 214 00:08:49,099 --> 00:08:51,261 HEY, I'M NOT BLUE, BUT I STILL ENJOYED "AVATAR." 215 00:08:52,803 --> 00:08:54,133 LOOK, IF YOU'RE GONNA BE SEXUALLY ACTIVE, 216 00:08:54,134 --> 00:08:56,966 I THOUGHT YOU OUGHTA HAVE THIS. 217 00:08:56,967 --> 00:08:58,237 GEEZ, WHAT IS THIS? 218 00:08:58,238 --> 00:08:59,769 LIKE 10,000 CONDOMS? 219 00:08:59,770 --> 00:09:02,111 NO, YOU DON'T NEED CONDOMS; YOU NEED INFORMATION. 220 00:09:02,112 --> 00:09:05,274 WELL, OF COURSE YOU NEED CONDOMS. YOU NEED CONDOMS. 221 00:09:05,275 --> 00:09:08,678 BUT YOUR WHOLE POST WAS ABOUT HOW NOTHING THE WHOLE EXPERIENCE WAS. 222 00:09:08,679 --> 00:09:12,021 AND I DON'T WANT YOU GOING THROUGH LIFE THINKING SEX IS JUST BLAH, 223 00:09:12,022 --> 00:09:14,183 WHEN IT COULD BE... 224 00:09:14,184 --> 00:09:16,156 PYOO PYOO! ANDALE ANDALE! ARRIBA ARRIBA! 225 00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:20,559 WAS YOUR FIRST TIME WITH SPEEDY GONZALEZ? 226 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:22,232 SADLY, YES. 227 00:09:23,293 --> 00:09:26,095 ( sarcastically ) OH, GOODY. THE "HOW TO HAVE SEX" BOOK. 228 00:09:26,096 --> 00:09:28,768 AND YOU MARKED YOUR FAVORITE PAGES. 229 00:09:28,769 --> 00:09:31,701 YES, AND I HIGHLIGHTED BITS THAT ARE ESPECIALLY USEFUL. 230 00:09:31,702 --> 00:09:34,173 SEE, WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, NOBODY TALKED TO ME ABOUT SEX. 231 00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:35,845 I HAD TO FIGURE IT ALL OUT ON MY OWN. 232 00:09:35,846 --> 00:09:38,347 THAT REALLY DOESN'T SOUND SO TERRIBLE RIGHT NOW. 233 00:09:38,348 --> 00:09:40,009 BELIEVE ME, IT WAS. 234 00:09:40,010 --> 00:09:41,580 YEAH, I AM TOTALLY SELF-TAUGHT. 235 00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:44,754 OKAY! WELL, IT IS SO NICE OF YOU 236 00:09:44,755 --> 00:09:47,056 TO TAKE AN INTEREST IN MY SEX LIFE, AUNT MEL. 237 00:09:47,057 --> 00:09:48,187 AND THANK YOU FOR THE LITERATURE. 238 00:09:48,188 --> 00:09:50,159 I WILL TREASURE IT ALWAYS. 239 00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:52,221 WELL, IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS... 240 00:09:52,222 --> 00:09:53,223 I'M GOOD. 241 00:09:56,226 --> 00:09:58,267 CONGRATULATE ME, JOE. 242 00:09:58,268 --> 00:09:59,929 "THE SABRE AND THE LOTUS" WAS A BIG HIT. 243 00:09:59,930 --> 00:10:02,271 LENNOX SAID SHE REALLY APPRECIATED IT. 244 00:10:02,272 --> 00:10:03,773 SHE DID, HUH? AH, THAT'S NICE. 245 00:10:03,774 --> 00:10:04,774 LOOK WHAT I FOUND. 246 00:10:04,775 --> 00:10:06,776 NO... "THE SABRE AND THE LOTUS"? 247 00:10:06,777 --> 00:10:08,207 WHERE DID YOU GET THAT? 248 00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:09,338 IN THE GOODWILL BIN, ALONG WITH A PAIR 249 00:10:09,339 --> 00:10:10,880 OF HER OLD SNEAKERS. 250 00:10:10,881 --> 00:10:13,043 I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT'S GONNA HELP THE HOMELESS. 251 00:10:14,184 --> 00:10:15,885 IT'S OFFICIAL: 252 00:10:15,886 --> 00:10:17,386 I HAVE OUTLIVED MY USEFULNESS AS AN AUNT. 253 00:10:17,387 --> 00:10:19,920 NOW I'M JUST THE HOT WOMAN WHO LIVES DOWN THE HALL. 254 00:10:21,221 --> 00:10:22,822 I'M NOT NEEDED ANYMORE! 255 00:10:22,823 --> 00:10:24,654 OH, COME ON NOW. STOP THAT. 256 00:10:24,655 --> 00:10:27,326 LENNOX STILL NEEDS YOU, YOU KNOW, IN LOTS OF WAYS. 257 00:10:27,327 --> 00:10:28,298 NAME ONE. 258 00:10:28,299 --> 00:10:31,161 WELL, SHE STILL NEEDS YOUR... 259 00:10:32,202 --> 00:10:33,933 MONEY. 260 00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:35,705 THAT'S THE BEST YOU CAN COME UP WITH?! 261 00:10:35,706 --> 00:10:37,266 YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME A LOT OF TIME, ALL RIGHT?! 262 00:10:37,267 --> 00:10:39,108 OOH, YOU TOOK HER TO THE DENTIST ON MON... 263 00:10:39,109 --> 00:10:40,771 NO, THAT WAS ME. 264 00:10:43,013 --> 00:10:45,174 SO, UM, WANNA WATCH SOME TV? 265 00:10:45,175 --> 00:10:46,245 I CAN'T. 266 00:10:46,246 --> 00:10:48,277 I'M ONLY ALLOWED TO WATCH PUBLIC TELEVISION 267 00:10:48,278 --> 00:10:50,120 MONDAY NIGHTS FROM 6:00 TO 6:30. 268 00:10:51,221 --> 00:10:53,222 WOW. OKAY. 269 00:10:53,223 --> 00:10:56,185 WELL, WE CAN STILL SIT ON THE COUCH AND DO... 270 00:10:56,186 --> 00:10:57,687 YOU KNOW, COUCH STUFF. 271 00:10:57,688 --> 00:10:58,958 HEY, THERE'S A COUCH RIGHT HERE! 272 00:10:58,959 --> 00:11:00,791 ( giggles ) 273 00:11:04,334 --> 00:11:05,735 I BROUGHT MY DANGEROUS MOUTH. 274 00:11:05,736 --> 00:11:08,968 UM, FIRST I WANTED TO HEAR MORE ABOUT 275 00:11:08,969 --> 00:11:10,970 YOUR CHECKERED PAST. 276 00:11:10,971 --> 00:11:13,302 I BET THE STORIES ARE VERY EXCITING. 277 00:11:13,303 --> 00:11:15,304 RIGHT. YEAH. UH, STORIES... 278 00:11:15,305 --> 00:11:17,446 STORIES STORIES STORIES. 279 00:11:17,447 --> 00:11:19,148 THERE'S SO MANY TO CHOOSE FROM. 280 00:11:19,149 --> 00:11:21,310 I... I REMEMBER THIS ONE TIME. 281 00:11:21,311 --> 00:11:23,983 I WORKED FOR A GANGSTER NAMED... 282 00:11:23,984 --> 00:11:26,155 P-PAULIE. 283 00:11:26,156 --> 00:11:28,417 PAULIE WALNUTS. 284 00:11:28,418 --> 00:11:30,089 GO ON. 285 00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:32,762 AND PAULIE HAD ME COLLECTING PAYMENTS 286 00:11:32,763 --> 00:11:34,764 FOR THE DRUG... STORE. 287 00:11:34,765 --> 00:11:37,096 UM, THIS ONE TIME 288 00:11:37,097 --> 00:11:39,268 I HAD TO CONFRONT THESE RIVAL DRUG DEALERS, 289 00:11:39,269 --> 00:11:42,271 TONY SOPRANO AND, UM... 290 00:11:42,272 --> 00:11:44,303 NUCKY THOMPSON. 291 00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:48,008 I WOULD HAVE BEEN SO SCARED. 292 00:11:51,982 --> 00:11:53,282 WHAT YOU GOT THERE? 293 00:11:53,283 --> 00:11:56,015 THE PAST... WHEN I WAS NEEDED. 294 00:11:56,016 --> 00:11:57,847 HERE'S A WRISTBAND FROM WHEN I TOOK LENNOX 295 00:11:57,848 --> 00:12:00,349 TO SEE A SMASH MOUTH CONCERT WITHOUT HER MOTHER'S PERMISSION. 296 00:12:00,350 --> 00:12:02,491 AWW, AND THIS IS FROM WHEN I TOOK HER TO SEE "ROCKY HORROR" 297 00:12:02,492 --> 00:12:04,194 WITHOUT HER MOTHER'S PERMISSION. 298 00:12:05,996 --> 00:12:07,456 ( sighs ) BELLY RING, BELLY RING... 299 00:12:07,457 --> 00:12:09,298 NIPPLE RING. 300 00:12:09,299 --> 00:12:11,300 OOH, THAT'S MINE. 301 00:12:11,301 --> 00:12:13,202 UHH! THIS IS FROM WHEN WE DYED OUR HAIR BLUE 302 00:12:13,203 --> 00:12:14,764 WITHOUT HER MOTHER'S PERMISSION. 303 00:12:14,765 --> 00:12:17,166 DID YOU EVER DO ANYTHING WITH HER MOTHER'S PERMISSION? 304 00:12:17,167 --> 00:12:19,008 NO! BECAUSE I WAS FUN AND COOL, 305 00:12:19,009 --> 00:12:20,339 AND NOW ALL THAT'S GONE. 306 00:12:20,340 --> 00:12:22,341 OHH, COME ON. 307 00:12:22,342 --> 00:12:24,743 PERK UP. HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? 308 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:26,245 MADE YOUR FAVORITE SOUP. 309 00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,246 BUTTERNUT SQUASH? 310 00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:29,278 I MADE YOUR SECOND-FAVORITE SOUP. 311 00:12:29,279 --> 00:12:31,882 - POTATO LEEK? - I MADE YOU SOUP, OKAY! 312 00:12:33,223 --> 00:12:35,184 I'M NOT FEELING VERY SOUPY JUST NOW, 313 00:12:35,185 --> 00:12:37,356 BUT IT MEANS A LOT TO ME THAT YOU'RE HERE, JOE. 314 00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:38,928 AUNT MEL, I NEED TO TALK. 315 00:12:38,929 --> 00:12:41,161 - GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT! - WAIT, CAN I... 316 00:12:42,863 --> 00:12:44,333 GO AHEAD, SWEETIE. 317 00:12:44,334 --> 00:12:46,996 TELL ME EVERYTHING. I AM YOURS COMPLETELY. 318 00:12:46,997 --> 00:12:48,537 ZANDER BROKE UP WITH ME. 319 00:12:48,538 --> 00:12:50,369 OHH, HONEY. 320 00:12:50,370 --> 00:12:52,371 HE SAID HE DOESN'T WANNA SEE ME ANYMORE. 321 00:12:52,372 --> 00:12:53,843 HE WON'T EVEN TALK TO ME. 322 00:12:53,844 --> 00:12:55,474 OHH, THAT'S AWFUL. 323 00:12:55,475 --> 00:12:57,847 WELL, THAT'S WHY I'M HERE. I AM COOL AUNT MEL. 324 00:12:57,848 --> 00:13:00,350 I AM WARM AUNT MEL. I AM ALL-TEMPERATURES AUNT MEL. 325 00:13:01,551 --> 00:13:03,212 DO YOU THINK THAT ZANDER BREAKING UP WITH ME 326 00:13:03,213 --> 00:13:06,816 HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT HE AND I... 327 00:13:06,817 --> 00:13:08,287 DID IT? 328 00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:10,789 WELL, IT COULD. ( exhales deeply ) 329 00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:12,291 YOU KNOW, LIKE YOU SAID IN YOUR BLOG, 330 00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:15,064 SEX DOESN'T AUTOMATICALLY MAKE THINGS GREAT BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE. 331 00:13:15,065 --> 00:13:16,525 SO HE GOES AROUND ALL LIKE, 332 00:13:16,526 --> 00:13:18,227 "OOH, I'M THIS SENSITIVE ARTIST," 333 00:13:18,228 --> 00:13:19,869 BUT THEN WHEN I SHARE THIS INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT THING 334 00:13:19,870 --> 00:13:21,430 WITH HIM, HE DUMPS ME? 335 00:13:21,431 --> 00:13:23,572 WELL, THEN YOU KNOW WHAT? FINE! I'M NEVER TALKING TO HIM AGAIN. 336 00:13:23,573 --> 00:13:25,234 AND IF YOU JUST HAPPEN TO BE DRIVING DOWN THE STREET 337 00:13:25,235 --> 00:13:27,236 AND RUN HIM OVER, I'M OKAY WITH THAT! 338 00:13:27,237 --> 00:13:29,038 OKAY, WAIT. LEN, OKAY... 339 00:13:29,039 --> 00:13:30,279 I KNOW YOU'RE UPSET. 340 00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:34,313 BUT WHY DON'T YOU TALK TO HIM BEFORE ANYONE RUNS HIM OVER? 341 00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:36,145 YOU SHOULDN'T JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS. 342 00:13:36,146 --> 00:13:38,317 I'M NOT JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS. 343 00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:39,989 I'M JUST COMING TO THE SUDDEN REALIZATION 344 00:13:39,990 --> 00:13:43,253 THAT ZANDER IS AN INCONSIDERATE, SELFISH DOUCHE-NOZZLE! 345 00:13:46,096 --> 00:13:47,256 DID I HELP? 346 00:13:47,257 --> 00:13:48,398 WAS I HELPFUL? 347 00:13:51,261 --> 00:13:54,163 AND NOW LENNOX SAYS SHE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE HIM ANYMORE. 348 00:13:54,164 --> 00:13:55,905 NOBODY TREATS MY LITTLE GIRL LIKE THIS. 349 00:13:55,906 --> 00:13:57,907 BUT JOE, YOU'RE NOT THE ENFORCER. 350 00:13:57,908 --> 00:13:59,268 YOU'RE THE CAREGIVER, THE NANNY. 351 00:13:59,269 --> 00:14:01,210 WELL, I'M GONNA NANNY THE CRAP OUTTA THAT ZANDER. 352 00:14:01,211 --> 00:14:02,511 OKAY OKAY. WHY DOES EVERYONE 353 00:14:02,512 --> 00:14:03,943 IN THIS FAMILY MAKE SNAP DECISIONS 354 00:14:03,944 --> 00:14:06,175 BASED ON NOTHING AND THEN FLY OFF THE HANDLE? 355 00:14:06,176 --> 00:14:07,216 BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THE HANDLE'S THERE FOR, 356 00:14:07,217 --> 00:14:09,448 IN CASE YOU NEED TO FLY OFF OF SOMETHING. 357 00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:11,620 WE DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN LENNOX AND ZANDER. 358 00:14:11,621 --> 00:14:12,982 YEAH, WE DO. 359 00:14:12,983 --> 00:14:15,084 HE HIT IT AND QUIT IT, DIDN'T HE? 360 00:14:15,085 --> 00:14:16,926 WELL, YOU COULD MAKE THAT ARGUMENT 361 00:14:16,927 --> 00:14:18,557 BASED ON THE FACT THAT HE DID... 362 00:14:18,558 --> 00:14:20,629 EXACTLY WHAT YOU JUST SAID. 363 00:14:20,630 --> 00:14:22,362 SO WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ABOUT THAT? 364 00:14:23,563 --> 00:14:24,633 WELL? 365 00:14:24,634 --> 00:14:26,165 NANNY HIM, JOE. 366 00:14:26,166 --> 00:14:27,467 - NANNY HIM GOOD! - YEAH. 367 00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:41,380 WELL WELL WELL. SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. 368 00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:44,213 LAST PLACE I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT I'D FIND YOU IS WHERE YOU'VE CHOSEN TO HIDE. 369 00:14:44,214 --> 00:14:46,215 I'M NOT HIDING, OKAY? 370 00:14:46,216 --> 00:14:47,987 JUST DIDN'T WANNA RUN INTO ANYBODY I KNOW RIGHT NOW. 371 00:14:47,988 --> 00:14:49,658 YEAH, WELL, UNFORTUNATELY YOU KNOW ME. 372 00:14:49,659 --> 00:14:51,660 HERE. GO AHEAD. 373 00:14:51,661 --> 00:14:53,022 HIT ME. 374 00:14:53,023 --> 00:14:54,524 I'M JUST A PUNCHING BAG FOR EVERYBODY. 375 00:14:56,166 --> 00:14:57,627 HEY, LOOK, I DIDN'T COME HERE TO PUNCH... 376 00:14:59,369 --> 00:15:01,470 WELL, I'M GONNA START OFF BY TALKING. 377 00:15:01,471 --> 00:15:04,373 - ABOUT WHAT YOU DID TO LENNOX. - WHAT I DID TO LENNOX? 378 00:15:04,374 --> 00:15:05,534 WHAT ABOUT WHAT SHE DID TO ME? 379 00:15:05,535 --> 00:15:06,506 SHE PUT ALL OF OUR PERSONAL BUSINESS 380 00:15:06,507 --> 00:15:08,278 OUT IN PUBLIC FOR THE ENTIRE WORLD TO SEE. 381 00:15:10,380 --> 00:15:12,481 YOU DID IT IN PUBLIC? 382 00:15:12,482 --> 00:15:14,143 NO, THE THING SHE WROTE ON HER BLOG. 383 00:15:14,144 --> 00:15:16,146 I READ IT LAST NIGHT AND IT'S SO EMBARRASSING. 384 00:15:17,217 --> 00:15:18,387 THAT WAS MY FIRST TIME TOO. 385 00:15:18,388 --> 00:15:20,049 THAT WAS... 386 00:15:20,050 --> 00:15:21,490 THAT WAS YOUR FIRST... 387 00:15:21,491 --> 00:15:23,252 WOW. 388 00:15:23,253 --> 00:15:24,553 IT WAS THIS INCREDIBLY MEANINGFUL THING 389 00:15:24,554 --> 00:15:26,925 JUST BETWEEN THE TWO OF US, AND THEN SHE GOES OFF 390 00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:28,527 AND TELLS EVERYBODY THAT IT WAS LOUSY. 391 00:15:28,528 --> 00:15:30,529 WELL, SHE DIDN'T... SHE DIDN'T TELL EVERYBODY. 392 00:15:30,530 --> 00:15:32,531 IT'S ON HER BLOG, HER FACEBOOK PAGE 393 00:15:32,532 --> 00:15:34,663 AND HER TWITTER. 394 00:15:34,664 --> 00:15:37,237 AND HOW DISAPPOINTING I AM IS TRENDING. 395 00:15:38,538 --> 00:15:39,668 LOOK, UM... HEY, MAN, 396 00:15:39,669 --> 00:15:41,040 IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION, 397 00:15:41,041 --> 00:15:43,312 EVERYBODY'S TERRIBLE AT IT THEIR FIRST TIME. 398 00:15:43,313 --> 00:15:45,375 WELL, ACTUALLY NOT EVERYBODY. 399 00:15:46,546 --> 00:15:48,547 HOW COULD SHE DO THIS TO ME? 400 00:15:48,548 --> 00:15:51,380 I CARE ABOUT HER. I REALLY CARE ABOUT HER. 401 00:15:51,381 --> 00:15:53,552 SHE'S MY WALLPAPER, AND NOT JUST ON MY PHONE... 402 00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:55,225 ON MY LAPTOP TOO. 403 00:15:56,726 --> 00:15:58,258 I MEAN, I LOVE HER. 404 00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,460 YOU DO? 405 00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:02,531 YOU LOVE HER? 406 00:16:02,532 --> 00:16:04,193 YEAH. 407 00:16:04,194 --> 00:16:05,635 I THOUGHT SHE FELT THE SAME WAY ABOUT ME. 408 00:16:06,636 --> 00:16:08,697 HEY, LOOK, MAN... 409 00:16:08,698 --> 00:16:11,100 IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION, 410 00:16:11,101 --> 00:16:15,104 FOR SOME REASON WOMEN HAVE THIS BIOLOGICAL URGE TO EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS. 411 00:16:15,105 --> 00:16:17,106 OKAY? ( stammering ) AND THEY WILL JUST EXPRESS 412 00:16:17,107 --> 00:16:18,577 AND EXPRESS AND EXPRESS AND EXPRESS 413 00:16:18,578 --> 00:16:20,409 TILL THEY EXPRESS YOUR FRICKIN' EARS OFF. 414 00:16:20,410 --> 00:16:22,411 AND LENNOX BEING A WRITER, I MEAN... 415 00:16:22,412 --> 00:16:24,053 SHE EXPRESSES HERSELF EVEN MORE THAN THAT. 416 00:16:24,054 --> 00:16:26,055 OKAY, SO IT'S LIKE... 417 00:16:26,056 --> 00:16:28,387 IT'S LIKE HOW I WORK OUT STURM UND DRANG IN MY ARTWORK. 418 00:16:28,388 --> 00:16:30,420 YOU KNOW, SHE'S A WRITER. THAT'S HOW SHE PROCESSES THINGS, RIGHT? 419 00:16:32,322 --> 00:16:33,993 YEAH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT... 420 00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:37,226 I DO KNOW THIS: 421 00:16:37,227 --> 00:16:39,628 WHEN IT COMES TO LOVE, SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOTTA PLAY THROUGH THE HURT. 422 00:16:39,629 --> 00:16:42,332 AND IF YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT HER LIKE YOU SAY YOU DO... 423 00:16:43,403 --> 00:16:45,504 THEN I THINK YOU GOTTA GIVE HER A SECOND CHANCE. 424 00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:47,276 YOU'RE SAYING I SHOULD GO BACK TO HER. 425 00:16:47,277 --> 00:16:48,737 I CAN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER, BUT MY LIPS ARE MOVING 426 00:16:48,738 --> 00:16:50,740 AND THOSE ARE THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT, YEAH. 427 00:16:52,082 --> 00:16:53,083 THANKS, JOE. 428 00:16:54,384 --> 00:16:55,544 YEAH. 429 00:16:55,545 --> 00:16:56,546 WHAT ARE YA... 430 00:16:58,448 --> 00:17:01,450 THIS IS REALLY NOT THE TIME OR THE PLACE. 431 00:17:01,451 --> 00:17:03,021 THIS WAY? YEAH. 432 00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:04,524 ( doorbell rings ) 433 00:17:06,326 --> 00:17:08,557 - HEY, KEIRA. - RYDER. 434 00:17:08,558 --> 00:17:10,399 YOU REMEMBER MY PARENTS? 435 00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:12,201 YES, OF COURSE. PLEASE COME IN, 436 00:17:12,202 --> 00:17:14,203 MRS., UH... 437 00:17:14,204 --> 00:17:15,364 LADIES... WOMEN... 438 00:17:15,365 --> 00:17:17,106 JUST PLEASE, COME IN. HAVE A SEAT. 439 00:17:17,107 --> 00:17:20,209 WE JUST CAME TO TELL YOU THAT KEIRA'S NO LONGER ALLOWED TO SEE YOU. 440 00:17:20,210 --> 00:17:21,510 WHAT? WHY? 441 00:17:21,511 --> 00:17:24,543 WE ONLY WATCHED 20 MINUTES OF "DOWNTON ABBEY." 442 00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:27,116 WE FOUND OUT ABOUT YOUR SORDID PAST. 443 00:17:27,117 --> 00:17:28,377 WHO TOLD YOU I HAD A "SORDID PAST"? 444 00:17:28,378 --> 00:17:30,079 I DID. THEY'RE MY PARENTS. 445 00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:31,351 OF COURSE I TELL THEM EVERYTHING. 446 00:17:33,183 --> 00:17:34,823 SO THIS IS IT, RYDER. 447 00:17:34,824 --> 00:17:36,525 GOOD-BYE. 448 00:17:36,526 --> 00:17:37,527 WE HAD A GOOD RUN. 449 00:17:39,429 --> 00:17:40,459 HOLD ON, WAIT! 450 00:17:40,460 --> 00:17:43,232 MRS. AND MRS. GUCKENHEIM-SCHAPP, 451 00:17:43,233 --> 00:17:44,593 HEAR ME OUT. HAVE A SEAT. 452 00:17:44,594 --> 00:17:47,096 ( sighs ) 453 00:17:47,097 --> 00:17:48,697 WE DIDN'T EVEN GET TO FIRST BASE, 454 00:17:48,698 --> 00:17:50,739 AS I'M SURE SHE TOLD YOU. 455 00:17:50,740 --> 00:17:52,471 I DID. 456 00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:54,603 PLEASE, I JUST NEED ONE MINUTE. 457 00:17:54,604 --> 00:17:56,105 YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW THE WHOLE STORY. 458 00:17:56,106 --> 00:17:57,746 RYDER, YOU MAY BE ABLE TO BAMBOOZLE MY DAUGHTER, 459 00:17:57,747 --> 00:18:01,111 BUT I WENT TO SARAH LAWRENCE, AND I KNOW A THING OR TWO. 460 00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:04,713 A BUDDY OF MINE BROUGHT A JOINT ON AN OVERNIGHT TRIP. 461 00:18:04,714 --> 00:18:06,555 IT WAS MY FIRST TIME EVEN TRYING POT. 462 00:18:06,556 --> 00:18:08,317 I TOOK A COUPLE PUFFS 463 00:18:08,318 --> 00:18:09,519 AND I THREW UP ON MY FRIEND MITCH. 464 00:18:10,790 --> 00:18:13,492 THAT'S IT. I SWEAR ON A STACK OF BIBLES 465 00:18:13,493 --> 00:18:16,165 OR CONSTITUTIONS OR WHATEVER SACRED TEXT 466 00:18:16,166 --> 00:18:17,467 IS MEANINGFUL TO YOUR PEOPLE. 467 00:18:18,468 --> 00:18:20,599 FAMILY! I MEAN FAMILY! 468 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,601 WHAT ABOUT ALL THE OTHER STORIES? 469 00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:24,303 THE RUN-INS WITH THE LAW, 470 00:18:24,304 --> 00:18:27,506 COOKING METH WITH YOUR HIGH SCHOOL CHEMISTRY TEACHER. 471 00:18:27,507 --> 00:18:29,508 THAT, UM... 472 00:18:29,509 --> 00:18:31,640 I MADE ALL THAT UP. 473 00:18:31,641 --> 00:18:34,484 I WAS TRYING TO IMPRESS KEIRA BY PRETENDING TO BE A TOUGH GUY. 474 00:18:36,286 --> 00:18:38,116 SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE I KNOW WHO TRIED TO IMPRESS 475 00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:41,119 SOMEONE ELSE BY CLAIMING TO BE ON THE OLYMPIC ROWING TEAM. 476 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:42,121 IT WORKED. 477 00:18:43,353 --> 00:18:45,824 RYDER, NOT MANY BOYS WOULD HAVE THE COURAGE 478 00:18:45,825 --> 00:18:47,726 TO CONFESS A LIE TO THEIR GIRLFRIEND'S PARENTS. 479 00:18:47,727 --> 00:18:50,429 BUT YOU DID IT FOR A SWEET REASON. 480 00:18:50,430 --> 00:18:52,701 SO, WE FEEL COMFORTABLE 481 00:18:52,702 --> 00:18:54,533 ENDORSING YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH KEIRA. 482 00:18:54,534 --> 00:18:56,865 PROVIDED YOU FOLLOW ALL GUIDELINES AND RESTRICTIONS 483 00:18:56,866 --> 00:18:58,337 IMPOSED BY OUR FAMILY. 484 00:18:58,338 --> 00:18:59,538 THIS SOUNDS LIKE THERE'S A LOT TO LEARN. 485 00:18:59,539 --> 00:19:00,740 WE'LL SEND YOU THE P.D.F. 486 00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:05,714 THANK YOU. UM, DID YOU NEED ANY PAPERWORK FROM ME? 487 00:19:05,715 --> 00:19:07,616 JUST STOP OVER TONIGHT. 488 00:19:07,617 --> 00:19:09,348 WE'RE HAVING A GLUTEN-FREE BARBECUE. 489 00:19:09,349 --> 00:19:11,820 OKAY. SAVE ME A LEG... OF TOFU. 490 00:19:11,821 --> 00:19:15,484 OH, MY GOSH. THAT WAS SO AMAZING. 491 00:19:15,485 --> 00:19:17,356 WHAT? 492 00:19:17,357 --> 00:19:19,658 HOW YOU LIED TO MY PARENTS. 493 00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:21,930 "THAT WAS MY FIRST TIME I EVER TRIED POT." 494 00:19:21,931 --> 00:19:25,294 I WISH I COULD LIE UNDER PRESSURE LIKE THAT. 495 00:19:25,295 --> 00:19:28,767 MUST BE ALL THOSE POLICE INTERROGATIONS YOU'VE LIVED THROUGH. 496 00:19:28,768 --> 00:19:30,469 UH, BUT, KEIRA, I'M NOT LYING... 497 00:19:30,470 --> 00:19:33,473 SHUT UP AND KISS ME, YOU BAD BAD BOY. 498 00:19:35,545 --> 00:19:37,446 - HEY, THERE. - JOE, LOOK. 499 00:19:37,447 --> 00:19:39,278 I'M GETTING REAL-TIME UPDATES FROM LENNOX. 500 00:19:39,279 --> 00:19:41,179 SHE AND ZANDER ARE GETTING BACK TOGETHER. 501 00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:42,651 WOW! THIS REACTION 502 00:19:42,652 --> 00:19:45,815 FROM THE WOMAN WHO WANTED ME TO NANNY-IZE ZANDER INTO A FINE POWDER. 503 00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:48,587 IF LENNOX IS HAPPY, I'M HAPPY. 504 00:19:48,588 --> 00:19:50,819 YOU ARE A TOTAL FLIP-FLOPPER, YOU KNOW THAT? 505 00:19:50,820 --> 00:19:52,661 WELL, WHEN IT COMES TO LOVE, 506 00:19:52,662 --> 00:19:54,523 WHO AMONG US IS NOT A FLIP-FLOPPER? 507 00:19:54,524 --> 00:19:56,395 AND YOU KNOW WHY THIS IS HAPPENING? 508 00:19:56,396 --> 00:19:58,397 BECAUSE A CERTAIN NIECE HAD A CONVERSATION 509 00:19:58,398 --> 00:19:59,869 WITH A CERTAIN COOL AUNT. 510 00:20:02,272 --> 00:20:03,302 THIS IS HAPPENING ALL BECAUSE OF YOU? 511 00:20:03,303 --> 00:20:04,433 YOU'RE SURE ABOUT THAT? 512 00:20:04,434 --> 00:20:05,734 POSITIVE. I MEAN, WHO ELSE WAS INVOLVED? 513 00:20:05,735 --> 00:20:06,806 NOBODY. 514 00:20:07,837 --> 00:20:10,379 LENNOX NEEDS ME AND I, WELL, 515 00:20:10,380 --> 00:20:11,441 I NEED TO BE NEEDED. 516 00:20:12,542 --> 00:20:13,543 YOU KNOW WHAT, MEL? 517 00:20:15,945 --> 00:20:17,446 YOU'RE RIGHT. IT WAS, UH... 518 00:20:17,447 --> 00:20:18,448 IT WAS ALL YOU. 519 00:20:19,449 --> 00:20:20,519 HEY! 520 00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:22,691 BY THE WAY, LOOK WHAT I GOT AT THE MARKET TODAY. 521 00:20:22,692 --> 00:20:24,653 - BUTTERNUT SQUASH. - MM. WHY? 522 00:20:24,654 --> 00:20:25,754 TO MAKE YOUR FAVORITE SOUP. 523 00:20:25,755 --> 00:20:27,497 ( gasps ) CHICKEN MATZO BALL? 524 00:20:29,429 --> 00:20:30,760 FLIP-FLOPPER! 525 00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:38,737 ( rooster crows ) 526 00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:40,739 WELL... ( sighs ) THAT'S THE END OF OUR DATE. 527 00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:42,741 - I'LL WALK YOU HOME. - MM. 528 00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:44,943 HOW ABOUT I STAY FIVE MORE MINUTES? 529 00:20:44,944 --> 00:20:46,475 NO. NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. 530 00:20:46,476 --> 00:20:48,547 I SIGNED A BINDING AGREEMENT WITH YOUR MOMS. 531 00:20:48,548 --> 00:20:50,018 AND THAT NOTARY COST ME 10 BUCKS. 532 00:20:50,019 --> 00:20:51,721 WE ARE LEAVING NOW. 533 00:20:53,323 --> 00:20:54,483 ( door opens ) 534 00:20:54,484 --> 00:20:55,654 MAN! 535 00:20:55,655 --> 00:20:57,756 YOU KNOW, THAT KEIRA IS SO SHELTERED. 536 00:20:57,757 --> 00:20:59,588 - ( door closes ) - I MEAN, HOMESCHOOLED, 537 00:20:59,589 --> 00:21:01,390 NO TV, NO LATE DATES... 538 00:21:01,391 --> 00:21:02,661 HOW IS SHE GONNA SURVIVE IN THE REAL WORLD? 539 00:21:02,662 --> 00:21:04,693 I MEAN, HOW IS THAT GIRL EXPECTED TO LEARN ANYTHING? 540 00:21:04,694 --> 00:21:06,865 HEY, SHE'S STILL ALLOWED TO READ. 541 00:21:06,866 --> 00:21:09,638 "THE SABRE AND THE LOTUS." 542 00:21:09,639 --> 00:21:12,000 NO NO NO NO NO! 543 00:21:12,001 --> 00:21:13,872 OKAY. 544 00:21:13,873 --> 00:21:15,304 I'LL WAIT TWO YEARS. 545 00:21:15,305 --> 00:21:16,775 WE'LL JUST KEEP IT RIGHT HERE. 546 00:21:16,776 --> 00:21:17,776 ARE YOU KIDDING ME? 547 00:21:17,777 --> 00:21:19,308 NO WAY. UH-UH. NO. 548 00:21:19,309 --> 00:21:21,780 YOUR SABRE DOES NOT GO IN MY CUBBY. 549 00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:23,753 OBVIOUSLY YOU HAVE NOT READ PAGE 37.