1 00:00:07,708 --> 00:00:10,010 MELISSA & JOEY IS RECORDED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE. 2 00:00:11,482 --> 00:00:12,642 ALL SET TO SHOOT YOUR SEGMENT? 3 00:00:12,643 --> 00:00:14,414 OH, ALMOST, KYLE. 4 00:00:14,415 --> 00:00:15,515 - HEY, JOE. - YEAH. 5 00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:17,617 WHICH POSE SAYS "ELECT ME TO STATE SENATE, 6 00:00:17,618 --> 00:00:20,120 BUT I'M ALSO SEXY, FUN, AND DATEABLE..." 7 00:00:20,121 --> 00:00:22,322 THE FINGER ON THE CHIN OR THE HAND ON THE HIP? 8 00:00:22,323 --> 00:00:25,225 I THINK THIS IS WAY MORE BEYONCE. 9 00:00:25,226 --> 00:00:26,356 BURKE, YOU'RE STANDING IN THE KITCHEN. 10 00:00:26,357 --> 00:00:28,459 THE WHOLE SETUP IS REALLY UNBELIEVABLE. 11 00:00:29,460 --> 00:00:31,061 Kyle: OKAY, WE ARE GOOD TO GO. 12 00:00:31,062 --> 00:00:34,734 THIS IS HOUSEHOLD SAFETY SPOT, TAKE ONE... 13 00:00:34,735 --> 00:00:36,106 AND GO. 14 00:00:36,107 --> 00:00:39,139 HELLO, TOLEDO. I'M COUNCILWOMAN MEL BURKE. 15 00:00:39,140 --> 00:00:42,612 AND IF DISASTER STRIKES, I WANT YOU TO BE PREPARED. 16 00:00:42,613 --> 00:00:44,274 YOU KNOW, IT IS EASY 17 00:00:44,275 --> 00:00:45,645 TO PREPARE YOURSELF BY STOCKING YOUR KITCHEN 18 00:00:45,646 --> 00:00:48,047 WITH EMERGENCY WATER, CANNED GOODS, 19 00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:51,422 AND A MANUAL CAN OPENER, JUST LIKE THE COWBOY DAYS. 20 00:00:52,783 --> 00:00:55,625 UH, AND YOU JUST... 21 00:00:55,626 --> 00:00:57,087 OOP. 22 00:00:57,088 --> 00:01:00,090 I'M USED TO USING THE ELECTRIC KIND, BUT... 23 00:01:00,091 --> 00:01:02,061 OKAY, WELL, NO WONDER THE COWBOYS 24 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,333 USED TO ALWAYS SHOOT AT EACH OTHER. 25 00:01:03,334 --> 00:01:05,064 ( chuckles ) UM... 26 00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:06,297 COME ON, BESSIE! 27 00:01:07,798 --> 00:01:09,399 ALLOW ME, COUNCILWOMAN. 28 00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:11,241 - ( clears throat ) - OKAY, LET THIS POP. 29 00:01:11,242 --> 00:01:13,443 - THERE WE GO. - OKAY. 30 00:01:13,444 --> 00:01:16,075 - I LOOSENED IT FOR YOU. - ( laughs ) 31 00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:18,348 BY BANGING IT AGAINST THE COUNTER LIKE A MONKEY. 32 00:01:18,349 --> 00:01:19,679 THIS IS JOE 33 00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:22,152 - MY CAN OPENER. - WOW, CAN OPENER. 34 00:01:22,153 --> 00:01:23,353 THAT WOULD BE A PROMOTION. 35 00:01:23,354 --> 00:01:25,216 OKAY, HOW ABOUT CAN OPEN, MOUTH CLOSED? 36 00:01:26,617 --> 00:01:29,119 ALL RIGHT, JOE, YOU CAN TAKE A FEW STEPS TO THE RIGHT. 37 00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:31,221 - WELL, I... - NO, SO THE CAMERA CAN'T SEE YOU. 38 00:01:31,222 --> 00:01:33,593 THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT, UM... ( clears throat ) 39 00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:34,864 WHERE WAS I? 40 00:01:34,865 --> 00:01:36,566 WELL, YOU WERE HAVING TROUBLE OPENING THIS CAN. 41 00:01:36,567 --> 00:01:37,867 AND THEN I CAME IN AND SAVED YOU. 42 00:01:37,868 --> 00:01:39,369 AND NOW YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT HOW IMPORTANT IT IS 43 00:01:39,370 --> 00:01:40,630 TO HAVE BOTTLED WATER ON HAND. 44 00:01:40,631 --> 00:01:41,801 ABSOLUTELY. 45 00:01:41,802 --> 00:01:44,175 EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE TWO GOOD-SIZED JUGS. 46 00:01:45,806 --> 00:01:47,778 I CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT. 47 00:01:49,140 --> 00:01:50,710 THAT WAS GREAT. 48 00:01:50,711 --> 00:01:52,612 WE'LL START AIRING THESE ON "GOOD MORNING TOLEDO" RIGHT AWAY. 49 00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:54,644 YOU KNOW, MEL, YOU ARE A NATURAL ON CAMERA. 50 00:01:54,645 --> 00:01:55,715 OH, I KNOW. BACK IN COLLEGE, 51 00:01:55,716 --> 00:01:57,147 DURING SPRING BREAK, 52 00:01:57,148 --> 00:01:59,289 I WAS ONE OF THE VERY FIRST GIRLS TO GO WILD. 53 00:01:59,290 --> 00:02:00,790 LISTEN, 54 00:02:00,791 --> 00:02:02,722 I'M LOSING MY REGULAR HOST FOR A LITTLE WHILE. 55 00:02:02,723 --> 00:02:04,194 HE'S HAVING A LITTLE MEDICAL PROCEDURE. 56 00:02:04,195 --> 00:02:05,255 CAN'T SAY MUCH MORE THAN THAT, 57 00:02:05,256 --> 00:02:07,727 BUT, UH... 58 00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:09,799 I HEAR YOU. MY MOM'S ALL ABOUT THE... 59 00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:10,830 NOT TO MENTION THE... ( whistles ) 60 00:02:10,831 --> 00:02:13,163 AND THE... ( sucking sound ). 61 00:02:13,164 --> 00:02:14,404 SAY NO MORE. 62 00:02:14,405 --> 00:02:15,835 SO HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE GUEST HOST FOR A WEEK? 63 00:02:15,836 --> 00:02:17,407 - ME? - MM-HMM. 64 00:02:17,408 --> 00:02:18,868 OH, THAT'S VERY FLATTERING, 65 00:02:18,869 --> 00:02:20,370 BUT I DON'T KNOW. 66 00:02:20,371 --> 00:02:22,712 WITH MY WORK SCHEDULE AND THE STATE SENATE CAMPAIGN... 67 00:02:22,713 --> 00:02:24,214 IT WOULD PUT YOUR FACE IN FRONT OF THE VOTERS. 68 00:02:24,215 --> 00:02:25,345 AFTER ALL, MOST PEOPLE VOTE 69 00:02:25,346 --> 00:02:26,576 FOR THE MOST FAMOUS NAME ON THE BALLOT. 70 00:02:26,577 --> 00:02:28,147 AS OUR FOREFATHERS INTENDED. 71 00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:29,249 I MEAN YOU THINK LINCOLN WOULD HAVE BEEN ELECTED 72 00:02:29,250 --> 00:02:30,780 WITHOUT THAT MOVIE? 73 00:02:30,781 --> 00:02:32,252 EXACTLY. 74 00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:33,283 SO YOU ON BOARD? 75 00:02:33,284 --> 00:02:36,186 WELL, I CAN'T SAY NO TO OHIO. 76 00:02:36,187 --> 00:02:37,527 THAT'S GREAT. HEY, JOE, 77 00:02:37,528 --> 00:02:39,429 - SHE'S IN. - HEY, FANTASTIC. 78 00:02:39,430 --> 00:02:40,530 WAIT, WHAT'S GOING ON? 79 00:02:40,531 --> 00:02:42,532 HI, I'M YOUR NEW CO-HOST. 80 00:02:42,533 --> 00:02:44,464 WHAT? NO, I'M THE HOST. 81 00:02:44,465 --> 00:02:46,165 THERE'S NO CO-ANYTHING. 82 00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:48,438 I SPARKLED ON CAMERA. YOU JUST OPENED A CAN. 83 00:02:48,439 --> 00:02:50,241 A CAN OF AWESOME. 84 00:02:51,442 --> 00:02:52,902 SEE? THIS SNAPPY BACK-AND-FORTH, 85 00:02:52,903 --> 00:02:54,304 THAT'S TV GOLD. 86 00:02:54,305 --> 00:02:55,445 THAT'S WHAT NEXT WEEK IS GONNA BE ALL ABOUT. 87 00:02:55,446 --> 00:02:56,546 NO, NO, NO. I CAN DO THE BACK-AND-FORTH 88 00:02:56,547 --> 00:02:57,907 ALL BY MYSELF. NO, YOU CAN'T. 89 00:02:57,908 --> 00:02:59,779 YES, I CAN. 90 00:02:59,780 --> 00:03:00,811 WAIT, I FORGET WHICH ONE I AM NOW. 91 00:03:02,383 --> 00:03:03,854 FINE, I'LL CO-HOST. 92 00:03:06,917 --> 00:03:08,858 - ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD ♪ - ♪ All good ♪ 93 00:03:08,859 --> 00:03:10,890 - ♪ IT'S OKAY ♪ - ♪ Okay ♪ 94 00:03:10,891 --> 00:03:12,492 - ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪ - ♪ All right ♪ 95 00:03:12,493 --> 00:03:14,294 ♪ AS FAR AS I CAN SEE ♪ 96 00:03:14,295 --> 00:03:15,925 - ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD ♪ - ♪ All good ♪ 97 00:03:15,926 --> 00:03:17,967 - ♪ IT'S OKAY ♪ - ♪ Okay ♪ 98 00:03:17,968 --> 00:03:19,599 - ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪ - ♪ All right ♪ 99 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:22,432 ♪ I GUESS YOU'RE STUCK ♪ 100 00:03:22,433 --> 00:03:25,436 ♪ WITH ME ♪ 101 00:03:26,777 --> 00:03:27,777 GOOD MORNING. 102 00:03:27,778 --> 00:03:28,778 HEY, GOOD MORNING, BUDDY. 103 00:03:28,779 --> 00:03:30,610 I'M ACTUALLY FEELING GENEROUS TODAY. 104 00:03:30,611 --> 00:03:32,211 SO HOW ABOUT YOU TAKE A LITTLE BREAK FROM YOUR SCHOOLWORK 105 00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:34,614 AND YOU WATCH YOUR AUNT AND I ON "GOOD MORNING TOLEDO"? 106 00:03:34,615 --> 00:03:38,548 I'D RATHER DO CHEMISTRY OR SLAM MY FINGERS IN A DRAWER. 107 00:03:38,549 --> 00:03:39,949 YEAH, I KNOW. 108 00:03:39,950 --> 00:03:41,421 YOU CAN JUST PRESS THE MUTE BUTTON WHEN YOUR AUNT TALKS. 109 00:03:41,422 --> 00:03:42,992 THAT'S WHAT I USUALLY DO IN MY HEAD. 110 00:03:42,993 --> 00:03:44,324 OH NO. 111 00:03:44,325 --> 00:03:46,356 NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. YOU TAKE THAT SHIRT OFF. 112 00:03:46,357 --> 00:03:47,457 WHAT? WHY? 113 00:03:47,458 --> 00:03:48,998 IT'S THE SAME COLOR AS MY DRESS. 114 00:03:48,999 --> 00:03:49,999 ARE YOU CRAZY? 115 00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:51,601 THIS SHIRT IS CERULEAN, ALL RIGHT? 116 00:03:51,602 --> 00:03:54,834 WHAT YOU'RE WEARING THERE, THAT'S LIKE COBALT AT BEST. 117 00:03:54,835 --> 00:03:55,905 NO, NO, NO. THIS IS CERULEAN. 118 00:03:55,906 --> 00:03:57,367 RYDER, AM I WRONG? 119 00:03:57,368 --> 00:03:59,909 YEAH, LIKE I WANT TO GET IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS. 120 00:03:59,910 --> 00:04:02,472 WE LOOK LIKE A SINGING DUO FROM THE '70s. 121 00:04:02,473 --> 00:04:03,643 NO, YOU'VE GOT TO CHANGE YOUR SHIRT. 122 00:04:03,644 --> 00:04:04,714 WHY DO I HAVE TO CHANGE? 123 00:04:04,715 --> 00:04:05,815 BECAUSE YOU AND I 124 00:04:05,816 --> 00:04:06,916 HAVE TO LEAVE IN FIVE MINUTES. 125 00:04:06,917 --> 00:04:08,618 AND YOUR OUTFIT DOESN'T INVOLVE 126 00:04:08,619 --> 00:04:10,550 COMPLICATED ELASTIC UNDERGARMENTS... 127 00:04:10,551 --> 00:04:11,981 AS FAR AS I KNOW. 128 00:04:11,982 --> 00:04:14,454 FINE, I'LL CHANGE. 129 00:04:14,455 --> 00:04:15,555 YOU KNOW, YOU'RE LUCKY I LOOK GOOD 130 00:04:15,556 --> 00:04:16,626 IN EVERY COLOR OF THE RAINBOW. 131 00:04:16,627 --> 00:04:19,258 EXCEPT LIKE TAUPE OR BEIGE 132 00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:21,391 BECAUSE THEY SORT OF JUST LIKE BLAH ME OUT. 133 00:04:21,392 --> 00:04:23,593 LENNOX, BREAKFAST! 134 00:04:23,594 --> 00:04:24,694 WHERE IS YOUR SISTER? 135 00:04:24,695 --> 00:04:25,965 OH, SHE GOT IN LATE LAST NIGHT. 136 00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:27,867 I COULD TELL BY HER DISTINCTIVE DOOR-SLAM. 137 00:04:27,868 --> 00:04:29,268 WHAT DO YOU MEAN LATE? 138 00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:29,940 SHE WAS AT A YEARBOOK MEETING AT EMMA'S HOUSE. 139 00:04:29,941 --> 00:04:31,941 OKAY. 140 00:04:31,942 --> 00:04:33,343 LIGHTEN UP, JOE. I'M SURE THEY JUST 141 00:04:33,344 --> 00:04:34,604 WATCHED A MOVIE AFTER THE MEETING. 142 00:04:34,605 --> 00:04:35,676 YOU KNOW, INNOCENT FUN. 143 00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:37,977 HEY, EVERYBODY. 144 00:04:37,978 --> 00:04:39,409 THERE SHE IS. 145 00:04:39,410 --> 00:04:41,381 HEY, EVERYBODY. 146 00:04:41,382 --> 00:04:44,283 AND THERE HE IS... 147 00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:45,615 MYSTERIOUSLY COMING FROM THE SAME DIRECTION 148 00:04:45,616 --> 00:04:46,686 AS LENNOX'S BEDROOM. 149 00:04:46,687 --> 00:04:49,859 I'M SURE NOTHING INAPPROPRIATE HAPPENED. 150 00:04:49,860 --> 00:04:51,591 RYDER, GET OUT. 151 00:04:51,592 --> 00:04:53,463 BUT THIS COULD BE GOOD. 152 00:04:53,464 --> 00:04:55,064 - OUT! - FINE. 153 00:04:55,065 --> 00:04:56,526 YOU KNOW, I MISS ALL THE FUN STUFF. 154 00:04:56,527 --> 00:04:57,867 ONE OF THESE DAY, I'M GONNA RUN AWAY, 155 00:04:57,868 --> 00:04:58,928 BUILD MY OWN HOUSE IN THE WOODS, 156 00:04:58,929 --> 00:05:00,300 AND THEN YOU'LL BE SORRY. 157 00:05:02,473 --> 00:05:05,435 SO WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL US WHY 158 00:05:05,436 --> 00:05:07,537 ZANDER IS JOINING US FOR BREAKFAST THIS MORNING? 159 00:05:07,538 --> 00:05:09,779 ABSOLUTELY. HE SPENT THE NIGHT HERE 160 00:05:09,780 --> 00:05:11,511 BECAUSE IT WAS THE RESPONSIBLE THING TO DO. 161 00:05:11,512 --> 00:05:13,012 SEE, JOE, RESPONSIBLE. 162 00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:15,485 LAST NIGHT AT EMMA'S, HE HAD A FEW BEERS. 163 00:05:15,486 --> 00:05:17,587 ROOT BEERS, I'M SURE. 164 00:05:17,588 --> 00:05:18,948 RIGHT, YES. 165 00:05:18,949 --> 00:05:20,690 AND WITH ALL OF THOSE IMPORTED ROOT BEERS 166 00:05:20,691 --> 00:05:22,852 IN HIS SYSTEM, I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO DRIVE HOME. 167 00:05:22,853 --> 00:05:23,893 SO WE WALKED BACK FROM EMMA'S 168 00:05:23,894 --> 00:05:25,355 AND SPENT THE NIGHT HERE AND THEN... 169 00:05:25,356 --> 00:05:28,528 PLEASE, NO MORE "THEN." STOP AT "THEN." 170 00:05:28,529 --> 00:05:29,559 NOTHING HAPPENED. AFTER THE BEERS, 171 00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:30,801 I WASN'T REALLY UP FOR IT. 172 00:05:32,703 --> 00:05:35,064 OH, THAT'S SO KIND OF YOU. 173 00:05:35,065 --> 00:05:36,836 YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK YOUR PARENTS WOULD BE 174 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,668 TOO THRILLED TO FIND OUT ABOUT ALL THIS. 175 00:05:38,669 --> 00:05:39,869 NO, NO, NO. PLEASE, PLEASE. I'LL TELL THEM MYSELF. 176 00:05:39,870 --> 00:05:41,541 I'LL TOTALLY COME CLEAN. 177 00:05:41,542 --> 00:05:42,872 AND IF I'M LYING, 178 00:05:42,873 --> 00:05:44,674 MAY I LOSE MY ABILITY TO DRAW HANDS. 179 00:05:44,675 --> 00:05:48,017 THAT'S SERIOUS... 'CAUSE HE IS VERY GOOD AT DRAWING HANDS 180 00:05:48,018 --> 00:05:49,018 AND BREASTS. 181 00:05:49,019 --> 00:05:51,350 OH MY GOD. 182 00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:52,652 OKAY, I'M SURE WE CAN ALL AGREE 183 00:05:52,653 --> 00:05:53,783 THAT ZANDER IS VERY GIFTED, 184 00:05:53,784 --> 00:05:55,755 BUT I VOTE THAT WE ALLOW ZANDER 185 00:05:55,756 --> 00:05:56,856 TO TELL HIS FOLKS HIMSELF. 186 00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:58,958 BUT IF YOU DON'T, I WILL UNLEASH 187 00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:00,931 THIS OVERLY BUILT RAGE MONSTER ON YOU. 188 00:06:02,633 --> 00:06:05,595 PERFECTLY PROPORTIONED RAGE MONSTER. 189 00:06:05,596 --> 00:06:07,667 IT'S UNDERSTOOD. 190 00:06:07,668 --> 00:06:09,368 ALL RIGHT, COME ON, MEL. WE GOT TO JAM. 191 00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:10,500 BUT YOU GOT TO CHANGE FIRST. 192 00:06:10,501 --> 00:06:11,771 DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. I ALWAYS KEEP 193 00:06:11,772 --> 00:06:13,573 A FRESHLY PRESSED SUIT AND SHIRT IN THE CAR. 194 00:06:13,574 --> 00:06:15,074 FOR WHAT? IN CASE YOU'RE SITTING AT A RED LIGHT 195 00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:17,147 AND SOMEBODY SUDDENLY OFFERS YOU AN EXECUTIVE JOB? 196 00:06:18,949 --> 00:06:20,611 IT COULD HAPPEN. 197 00:06:22,983 --> 00:06:23,983 AND THAT'S WHY TOMATOES 198 00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:25,755 SHOULD BE YOUR FAVORITE VEGETABLE. 199 00:06:25,756 --> 00:06:27,917 ACTUALLY, JOE, YOU MAY DISAGREE WITH ME, 200 00:06:27,918 --> 00:06:29,959 BUT TOMATOES ARE A FRUIT. 201 00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:31,461 YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE RIGHT. 202 00:06:31,462 --> 00:06:34,664 NO ARGUMENT THERE BECAUSE THE SEEDS ARE ON THE INSIDE. 203 00:06:34,665 --> 00:06:36,796 Mel: INDEED THEY ARE. AND WE WILL 204 00:06:36,797 --> 00:06:38,728 SEED YOU BACK HERE 205 00:06:38,729 --> 00:06:40,700 RIGHT AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL MESSAGE. 206 00:06:40,701 --> 00:06:42,872 AND WE'RE CLEAR. 207 00:06:42,873 --> 00:06:45,575 SO HOW DO YOU GUYS THINK IT'S GOING? 208 00:06:45,576 --> 00:06:46,576 - PRETTY GOOD. - WELL, WE'RE GETTING... 209 00:06:46,577 --> 00:06:47,977 IT WAS TERRIBLE. 210 00:06:47,978 --> 00:06:48,978 WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU GUYS? 211 00:06:48,979 --> 00:06:50,039 IT'S OUR FIRST DAY. 212 00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:51,881 THIS IS TOLEDO TELEVISION. 213 00:06:51,882 --> 00:06:53,583 YOU GOT TO BRING IT AND BRING IT NOW. 214 00:06:53,584 --> 00:06:56,116 I WANT TO SEE SPARKS, CHEMISTRY, BACK-AND-FORTH. 215 00:06:58,188 --> 00:06:59,919 HEY, I'M PROVIDING THE BACK. WHERE ARE YOU WITH THE FORTH? 216 00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,020 ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW? 217 00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:02,121 I'M DOING DOUBLE-DUTY HERE. YOU KNOW WHY? 218 00:07:02,122 --> 00:07:03,053 I'M DOING THE BACK AND I'M DOING THE FORTH. 219 00:07:03,054 --> 00:07:04,594 OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK? 220 00:07:04,595 --> 00:07:05,655 I THINK YOU'RE STILL DISTRACTED ABOUT THAT THING 221 00:07:05,656 --> 00:07:06,826 WITH LENNOX AND ZANDER THIS MORNING. 222 00:07:06,827 --> 00:07:07,957 OH, EXCUSE ME FOR BEING WORRIED 223 00:07:07,958 --> 00:07:09,599 ABOUT A DRUNK TEENAGE BOY 224 00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:10,800 SLEEPING OVER IN YOUR NIECE'S BEDROOM. 225 00:07:10,801 --> 00:07:12,001 YOU SHOULD BE A LITTLE DISTRACTED ABOUT THAT TOO. 226 00:07:12,002 --> 00:07:13,903 SLEEPING, JOE. THEY WERE JUST SLEEPING. 227 00:07:13,904 --> 00:07:15,765 AH, MAYBE THEY SLEPT AFTERWARDS. 228 00:07:15,766 --> 00:07:17,637 OKAY, BEFORE YOU SCHEDULE THE HONOR KILLING, 229 00:07:17,638 --> 00:07:19,469 WE BOTH KNOW LENNOX AND ZANDER ARE SEXUALLY ACTIVE. 230 00:07:19,470 --> 00:07:21,571 ANYWAY, YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY THAT ZANDER WAS TOO DRUNK 231 00:07:21,572 --> 00:07:22,973 TO HAVE SEX WITH LENNOX LAST NIGHT. 232 00:07:25,576 --> 00:07:28,178 UH, HOW LONG HAS THAT ON-AIR LIGHT BEEN ON? 233 00:07:29,620 --> 00:07:31,851 JUDGING BY THE SMILE ON KYLE'S FACE, 234 00:07:31,852 --> 00:07:34,223 I THINK IT'S BEEN ON FOR A WHILE. 235 00:07:34,224 --> 00:07:35,955 ( mouthing silently ) 236 00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:38,858 OKAY, WELL, IT WOULD APPEAR 237 00:07:38,859 --> 00:07:40,990 THAT SOME OF OUR PERSONAL CONVERSATION 238 00:07:40,991 --> 00:07:43,062 HAS MADE ITS WAY ONTO THE AIR. 239 00:07:43,063 --> 00:07:44,764 AND PERHAPS MY CO-HOST 240 00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:46,035 COULD BE A LITTLE MORE DISCREET IN THE FUTURE. 241 00:07:46,036 --> 00:07:47,867 OH, WAIT A MINUTE NOW. YOU'RE THE ONE THAT BROUGHT UP 242 00:07:47,868 --> 00:07:49,098 THE WHOLE LENNOX-ZANDER THING. 243 00:07:49,099 --> 00:07:51,941 AND APPARENTLY, THE FUTURE HAS NOT YET ARRIVED. 244 00:07:51,942 --> 00:07:54,844 AND IT'S NOT LIKE HE HASN'T SLEPT OVER BEFORE. 245 00:07:54,845 --> 00:07:56,976 WHAT?! WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN? 246 00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:59,048 THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT. 247 00:07:59,049 --> 00:08:01,010 YES, IT IS... WE'RE TALKING ABOUT 248 00:08:01,011 --> 00:08:03,152 A UNDERAGE BOY AND GIRL HAVING SEX IN YOUR HOUSE. 249 00:08:03,153 --> 00:08:05,815 SEE NOW, THIS IS GOOD TELEVISION. 250 00:08:05,816 --> 00:08:08,718 OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK IT IS TIME 251 00:08:08,719 --> 00:08:09,920 TO GO TO ANOTHER COMMERCIAL BREAK. 252 00:08:10,961 --> 00:08:12,722 ( mouthing silently ) 253 00:08:12,723 --> 00:08:15,665 NO? IT'S NOT TIME FOR A COMMERCIAL? 254 00:08:15,666 --> 00:08:16,996 LET ME HANDLE THIS. KYLE, WE NEED TO GO 255 00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:18,227 TO A COMMERCIAL RIGHT NOW. 256 00:08:18,228 --> 00:08:20,030 OKAY? ( snaps ) 257 00:08:21,572 --> 00:08:22,933 THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS? 258 00:08:24,905 --> 00:08:26,777 OKAY, I'M LEARNING A LOT HERE. 259 00:08:28,078 --> 00:08:29,639 DEAR GOD, IF YOU REALLY EXIST, 260 00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:31,111 PLEASE SEND A COMMERCIAL TO SAVE US. 261 00:08:36,116 --> 00:08:37,847 HEY LOOK, BEFORE WE GO IN THERE, 262 00:08:37,848 --> 00:08:39,018 I DON'T THINK LENNOX IS GONNA BE TOO THRILLED WITH THE FACT 263 00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:40,289 WE JUST TALKED ABOUT HER SEX LIFE ON TV. 264 00:08:40,290 --> 00:08:44,193 SO DO YOU HAVE A PLAN OR MAYBE SOME BODY ARMOR? 265 00:08:44,194 --> 00:08:47,957 WELL, I'M PREPARED TO FACE HER WITH HONESTY AND HUMILITY... 266 00:08:47,958 --> 00:08:49,859 AND THIS $100 GIFT CARD. 267 00:08:49,860 --> 00:08:52,131 A BRIBE? OH, THAT'S JUST GREAT PARENTING. 268 00:08:52,132 --> 00:08:55,004 CAN IT BE FROM BOTH OF US? 269 00:08:55,005 --> 00:08:56,266 NO, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN, LOUDMOUTH. 270 00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:01,540 HEY, LENNOX. 271 00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:02,812 WHAT? 272 00:09:02,813 --> 00:09:04,614 LOOK, HONEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. 273 00:09:04,615 --> 00:09:06,175 I MEAN SOMETIMES STUFF COMES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH 274 00:09:06,176 --> 00:09:08,678 AND YOU CAN'T STUFF IT BACK IN. 275 00:09:08,679 --> 00:09:10,079 OH MY GOSH, WHAT HAPPENED? 276 00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:11,781 I DIDN'T SEE IT. 277 00:09:11,782 --> 00:09:12,982 JOE, SHE DIDN'T SEE IT! 278 00:09:12,983 --> 00:09:16,085 NO, I'M SORRY. I'VE BEEN STUDYING FOR FINALS. 279 00:09:16,086 --> 00:09:18,287 BUT WE CAN WATCH IT TOGETHER ON THE D.V.R RIGHT NOW. 280 00:09:18,288 --> 00:09:21,591 - YES, THAT IS A GREAT IDEA. - IT IS? 281 00:09:21,592 --> 00:09:23,032 HOLD ON. I'M GONNA PULL THIS THING UP RIGHT NOW. 282 00:09:23,033 --> 00:09:24,894 - THERE IT IS. HERE WE GO. - ( beeps ) 283 00:09:24,895 --> 00:09:27,937 OH MY GOODNESS... I JUST PRESSED PERMANENT DELETE ON THAT THING. 284 00:09:27,938 --> 00:09:30,039 WHAT IS MY PROBLEM? NOW IT'S GONE FOREVER. 285 00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:31,741 DAMN, JOE. 286 00:09:31,742 --> 00:09:33,072 NOW YOU'LL NEVER GET TO SEE IT. 287 00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:34,844 BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE NOT MISSING ANYTHING. 288 00:09:34,845 --> 00:09:36,976 OH, I GET IT. 289 00:09:36,977 --> 00:09:39,980 YOU GUYS ARE EMBARRASSED BECAUSE YOU SUCKED. 290 00:09:41,281 --> 00:09:43,112 BUT, YOU KNOW, THAT'S OKAY. YOU'RE JUST BORING 291 00:09:43,113 --> 00:09:44,283 AND YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING INTERESTING TO SAY. 292 00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:45,584 ( doorbell rings ) 293 00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,817 - THAT'S IT. - YEP, ON THE NOSE. 294 00:09:47,818 --> 00:09:49,760 WE GOT AWAY WITH IT. SHE'LL NEVER FIND OUT. 295 00:09:50,791 --> 00:09:53,092 ZANDER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 296 00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:54,924 MY PARENTS KICKED ME OUT. 297 00:09:54,925 --> 00:09:56,225 THEY HEARD WHAT THESE TWO SAID ON TV. 298 00:09:56,226 --> 00:09:58,297 WHAT DID YOU SAY? 299 00:09:58,298 --> 00:10:00,299 UM... 300 00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:02,932 YOU KNOW WE WERE ON THE AIR FOR TWO HOURS. 301 00:10:02,933 --> 00:10:05,074 IT'S HARD TO REMEMBER EVERY LITTLE DETAIL. 302 00:10:05,075 --> 00:10:06,876 THEY JUST SAID THAT WE HAVE SEX ALL THE TIME... 303 00:10:06,877 --> 00:10:08,607 OH, UNLESS I'M TOO DRUNK. 304 00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:11,811 THAT WAS JUST A TINY PART OF THE SEGMENT. 305 00:10:11,812 --> 00:10:14,243 WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT ON TV? 306 00:10:14,244 --> 00:10:17,116 IN OUR DEFENSE, THAT ON-AIR LIGHT... 307 00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:18,919 IT'S VERY TINY, VERY HARD TO SEE. 308 00:10:20,220 --> 00:10:22,351 IT'S NOT LIKE WE KICKED YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE. 309 00:10:22,352 --> 00:10:24,123 IF WE'RE POINTING FINGERS, 310 00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:26,756 REALLY WE SHOULD POINT ONE AT ZANDER'S PARENTS. 311 00:10:26,757 --> 00:10:29,158 THEY KICKED HIM OUT BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU SAID. 312 00:10:29,159 --> 00:10:30,960 OKAY, LOOK, ZANDER, 313 00:10:30,961 --> 00:10:31,961 I'M GONNA CALL YOUR PARENTS RIGHT NOW 314 00:10:31,962 --> 00:10:33,102 AND EXPLAIN HOW THIS WHOLE THING 315 00:10:33,103 --> 00:10:34,133 GOT BLOWN OUT OF PROPORTION. 316 00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:35,665 WHAT? NO! DON'T CALL. 317 00:10:35,666 --> 00:10:37,166 NOT SO CRAZY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. 318 00:10:37,167 --> 00:10:38,938 THEY SAID SOMETHING ABOUT YOU BEING TOO PERMISSIVE 319 00:10:38,939 --> 00:10:41,040 AND GOING TO HELL. 320 00:10:41,041 --> 00:10:42,912 I'M NOT JUDGING, JUST REPORTING. 321 00:10:42,913 --> 00:10:45,014 OKAY, WELL, LOOK, ZANDER, YOU CAN STAY HERE 322 00:10:45,015 --> 00:10:46,976 UNTIL EVERYTHING COOLS DOWN AT YOUR HOUSE. 323 00:10:46,977 --> 00:10:48,317 - THANKS, I APPRECIATE IT. - YEAH, SURE. 324 00:10:48,318 --> 00:10:51,080 YOU CAN SLEEP IN MY ROOM DUCT-TAPED TO MY WEIGHT BENCH. 325 00:10:51,081 --> 00:10:52,922 JOE, YOU'RE THE NANNY, NOT THE PRISON GUARD. 326 00:10:52,923 --> 00:10:54,223 ( chuckles ) 327 00:10:54,224 --> 00:10:56,285 I CAN BE BOTH. 328 00:10:56,286 --> 00:10:59,428 LOOK, HONEY, I FEEL REALLY TERRIBLE ABOUT WHAT I SAID TODAY. 329 00:10:59,429 --> 00:11:00,990 SO TOMORROW, I'M GONNA OPEN THE SHOW 330 00:11:00,991 --> 00:11:02,732 - WITH A BIG APOLOGY. - NO! 331 00:11:02,733 --> 00:11:04,433 DO NOT SAY ANYTHING ON TV. 332 00:11:04,434 --> 00:11:06,135 DON'T EVEN MENTION MY NAME. 333 00:11:06,136 --> 00:11:07,366 WELL, I JUST THOUGHT IF I CLARIFIED... 334 00:11:07,367 --> 00:11:10,170 YOU DON'T KNOW ME. 335 00:11:11,301 --> 00:11:14,073 I RESPECT YOUR WISHES, L... WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS. 336 00:11:14,074 --> 00:11:17,406 UM, BUT WHO DO I GIVE THIS $100 GIFT CARD TO 337 00:11:17,407 --> 00:11:19,249 THAT'S MADE OUT TO LENNOX SCANLON? 338 00:11:20,210 --> 00:11:22,112 I'LL MAKE SURE SHE GETS IT. 339 00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:27,356 MEL, JOE, HOW ARE MY TWO FIRECRACKERS? 340 00:11:27,357 --> 00:11:29,158 EVERYBODY ONLINE'S LOVING THE BACK-AND-FORTH. 341 00:11:29,159 --> 00:11:30,219 KEEP IT UP. 342 00:11:30,220 --> 00:11:31,721 YOU GOT IT, PRODUCER MAN. 343 00:11:31,722 --> 00:11:33,023 - ( tongue clicks ) - HEY YEAH. ( tongue clicks ) 344 00:11:34,224 --> 00:11:35,925 I'M TELLING YOU, MEL. WE ARE A HIT. 345 00:11:35,926 --> 00:11:39,228 OKAY, WHAT MADE YOU SO HAPPY-GO-JOE ALL OF A SUDDEN? 346 00:11:39,229 --> 00:11:40,870 YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT MADE ME HAPPY? 347 00:11:40,871 --> 00:11:42,431 FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS, WHEN I GOOGLE MYSELF, 348 00:11:42,432 --> 00:11:44,173 FINANCIAL SCANDAL ISN'T THE ONLY THING THAT COMES UP. 349 00:11:44,174 --> 00:11:46,776 WAIT, HOW OFTEN DO YOU GOOGLE YOURSELF? 350 00:11:46,777 --> 00:11:48,207 NO MORE THAN ANYBODY ELSE. 351 00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:50,479 I MEAN, JUST SOMETIMES AT NIGHT 352 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:52,341 BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP. I MEAN, THE COMPUTER'S RIGHT THERE, 353 00:11:52,342 --> 00:11:53,784 SO I JUST... 354 00:11:54,885 --> 00:11:56,185 IT HELPS ME SLEEP. DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK! 355 00:11:56,186 --> 00:11:57,788 YOU DO IT TOO! 356 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:03,152 Mel: JAMIE, YOU WROTE THE BOOK ON SCHOOL LUNCHES. 357 00:12:03,153 --> 00:12:05,224 SO WHICH IS THE BIGGER VILLAIN HERE... 358 00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:07,026 TATER TOTS OR FRENCH FRIES? 359 00:12:07,027 --> 00:12:09,228 ACTUALLY, I WATCHED THE SHOW YESTERDAY 360 00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:10,930 AND I THINK THE REAL HOT TOPIC 361 00:12:10,931 --> 00:12:12,201 IS WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE DRUNK BOY 362 00:12:12,202 --> 00:12:13,202 WHO SLEPT WITH YOUR NIECE. 363 00:12:13,203 --> 00:12:15,334 OH. 364 00:12:15,335 --> 00:12:17,236 YEAH, NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT THAT. 365 00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:19,809 ( applause, cheering ) 366 00:12:19,810 --> 00:12:23,742 OKAY. WELL, MAYBE ONE OR TWO PEOPLE. 367 00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:26,315 MY WIFE AND I GOT INTO A BIG DISAGREEMENT LAST NIGHT 368 00:12:26,316 --> 00:12:28,247 ABOUT HOW YOU GUYS HANDLED THAT THING WITH LENNOX. 369 00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:29,348 AH, NO NAMES. NO NAMES. 370 00:12:29,349 --> 00:12:30,950 MY NIECE IS A LITTLE SENSITIVE, 371 00:12:30,951 --> 00:12:32,751 YOU KNOW, A LITTLE TOO TOUCHY-WOUCHY. 372 00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:34,153 ( television chatter ) 373 00:12:34,154 --> 00:12:36,786 - I'M TOO TOUCHY-WOUCHY?! - NO, NO. 374 00:12:36,787 --> 00:12:38,027 GUYS, PLEASE, I'M TRYING TO WATCH 375 00:12:38,028 --> 00:12:39,259 MY FAVORITE MORNING TV SHOW. 376 00:12:41,091 --> 00:12:42,261 NEITHER ONE OF YOU GUYS 377 00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:44,864 KNOWS HOW TO HANDLE TEENAGERS AT ALL. 378 00:12:44,865 --> 00:12:46,065 WELL, THAT'S NOT REALLY FAIR 379 00:12:46,066 --> 00:12:47,536 BECAUSE LE... ( coughs ) 380 00:12:47,537 --> 00:12:51,000 THE GIRL-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED 381 00:12:51,001 --> 00:12:53,372 IS NOT THE ONLY TEENAGER WE HAVE LIVING IN OUR HOUSE. 382 00:12:53,373 --> 00:12:54,804 WE ACTUALLY HAVE A TEENAGE BOY IN OUR HOUSE. 383 00:12:54,805 --> 00:12:56,105 WE HAVE NONE OF THESE PROBLEMS WITH HIM. 384 00:12:56,106 --> 00:12:58,547 SO HE'S NOT GETTING DRUNK AND SLEEPING AROUND? 385 00:12:58,548 --> 00:13:00,249 GOD, NO. TRUST ME. 386 00:13:00,250 --> 00:13:01,480 NOT RYDER. 387 00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:03,552 UH, NO NAMES. NO NAMES. 388 00:13:03,553 --> 00:13:05,084 YEAH, SORRY. NO. 389 00:13:05,085 --> 00:13:08,317 BUT MY POINT IS THAT THE NAMELESS YOUNG MAN 390 00:13:08,318 --> 00:13:10,189 IS IN NO WAY SEXUALLY ACTIVE. 391 00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:12,892 AND I DON'T SEE ANYTHING LIKE THAT HAPPENING FOR HIM 392 00:13:12,893 --> 00:13:16,495 - for a long, long time. - OH GOD. 393 00:13:16,496 --> 00:13:18,528 MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP! 394 00:13:19,930 --> 00:13:21,330 OUCH, I'M SORRY, BUDDY. 395 00:13:21,331 --> 00:13:23,272 DON'T WORRY, BRO'. I GOT YOUR BACK. 396 00:13:23,273 --> 00:13:25,304 OVER-SHARING IS A TWO-WAY STREET. 397 00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:26,535 ( computer beeps ) 398 00:13:26,536 --> 00:13:28,377 SO THE BOY HAS SOCIAL PROBLEMS. 399 00:13:28,378 --> 00:13:29,839 HE'S ODD. 400 00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:31,810 NO, I WOULDN'T SAY ODD. 401 00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,212 IT'S JUST THAT, YOU KNOW, HE... 402 00:13:33,213 --> 00:13:35,214 HE JUST TENDS TO ROLL SOLO. 403 00:13:35,215 --> 00:13:36,146 YOU KNOW? I MEAN NOT... 404 00:13:36,147 --> 00:13:37,816 NOT LIKE ALONE IN HIS ROOM 405 00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:39,148 WITH PORNOGRAPHY OR ANYTHING. 406 00:13:39,149 --> 00:13:41,490 I DON'T THINK. I MEAN, I JUST... 407 00:13:41,491 --> 00:13:43,392 YOU KNOW, I... I... I... 408 00:13:43,393 --> 00:13:46,155 SEE, HE'S... I MEANT THAT... 409 00:13:46,156 --> 00:13:48,427 I... HE'S A... HE'S A... 410 00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:50,159 I... WHAT DID I MEAN, BURKE? 411 00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:52,431 YOU MEANT THAT IT IS TIME 412 00:13:52,432 --> 00:13:55,104 TO GO TO OUR SOCIAL-MEDIA CORRESPONDENT, 413 00:13:55,105 --> 00:13:56,505 ASHLEY, AND HER SEGMENT, "WHAT'S TRENDING?" 414 00:13:56,506 --> 00:13:57,506 ASHLEY? 415 00:13:57,507 --> 00:13:59,869 WELL, MEL, TURNS OUT YOU'RE TRENDING. 416 00:13:59,870 --> 00:14:01,971 OH, GOOD. THAT'S GOOD TO HEAR. 417 00:14:01,972 --> 00:14:03,542 OKAY, SO WHAT'S THE BUZZ, GIRLFRIEND? 418 00:14:03,543 --> 00:14:06,115 CHECK OUT THIS TWEET I GOT SECONDS AGO 419 00:14:06,116 --> 00:14:08,277 FROM @LENNOXSCANLON13. 420 00:14:08,278 --> 00:14:12,251 "AUNT MEL TALKS A LOT ABOUT HOW MUCH OTHER PEOPLE DRINK, 421 00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:14,553 BUT IT TAKES HER THREE GLASSES OF WINE 422 00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:16,085 TO UNWIND FROM A TOUGH DAY. 423 00:14:16,086 --> 00:14:18,627 HYPOCRITE MUCH?" 424 00:14:18,628 --> 00:14:19,929 Audience: OOH. 425 00:14:19,930 --> 00:14:24,633 OH, MY NIECE IS SUCH A PRACTICAL JOKER. 426 00:14:24,634 --> 00:14:26,295 YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T BELIEVE 427 00:14:26,296 --> 00:14:28,097 EVERYTHING YOU READ ON THE INTERNET, ASHLEY. 428 00:14:28,098 --> 00:14:29,099 OH, AND SHE LINKED THIS PHOTO. 429 00:14:31,641 --> 00:14:32,943 THAT COULD BE ANYBODY. 430 00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:37,047 - AH! - ( laughter ) 431 00:14:44,654 --> 00:14:46,355 JOE, HOLD MY PURSE. 432 00:14:46,356 --> 00:14:48,087 STRANGLING LENNOX IS GONNA BE A TWO-HANDED JOB. 433 00:14:48,088 --> 00:14:49,258 WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE. 434 00:14:49,259 --> 00:14:51,190 CALM DOWN THERE, KILLER. BEFORE WE GO IN THERE, 435 00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:53,062 I WANT YOU TO TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND COUNT TO TEN. 436 00:14:53,063 --> 00:14:54,924 - ALL RIGHT? - TEN! 437 00:14:54,925 --> 00:14:56,295 HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME? 438 00:14:56,296 --> 00:14:57,927 YOU TOTALLY HUMILIATED ME. 439 00:14:57,928 --> 00:15:01,430 GOSH, AUNT MEL, AREN'T YOU BEING A LITTLE TOO TOUCHY-WOUCHY? 440 00:15:01,431 --> 00:15:04,673 THAT WAS ON TV IN FRONT OF A LOT OF POTENTIAL VOTERS. 441 00:15:04,674 --> 00:15:08,537 OH, SO IT WAS AN INAPPROPRIATE FORUM FOR PERSONAL BUSINESS? 442 00:15:08,538 --> 00:15:10,079 LADIES, PLEASE, LET'S NOT GO 443 00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:12,241 ALL ROLLER DERBY ON EACH OTHER HERE, OKAY? 444 00:15:12,242 --> 00:15:13,642 IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. 445 00:15:13,643 --> 00:15:16,445 SO YOU TALKED ABOUT ME ON TV FOR THE SECOND DAY IN A ROW 446 00:15:16,446 --> 00:15:17,486 ACCIDENTALLY? 447 00:15:17,487 --> 00:15:19,218 EXACTLY! 448 00:15:19,219 --> 00:15:20,549 AS LONG AS YOU'RE TALKING ON THAT SHOW, 449 00:15:20,550 --> 00:15:21,550 I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU. 450 00:15:21,551 --> 00:15:23,253 WH... LENNOX. 451 00:15:25,195 --> 00:15:27,396 SHE'S GONNA COOL DOWN. WON'T SHE? 452 00:15:27,397 --> 00:15:29,698 LOOK, MEL, YOU GOT TO EXPECT SOME SORT OF REACTION 453 00:15:29,699 --> 00:15:31,430 WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT A GIRL'S PERSONAL LIFE ON TV. 454 00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:33,332 WHO'S SIDE ARE YOU ON, CO-HOST? 455 00:15:33,333 --> 00:15:35,434 HEY LOOK, ADMIT IT. YOU KNOW, YOU WERE WRONG. 456 00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:37,206 I MEAN, YOU SCREWED THE POOCH. 457 00:15:37,207 --> 00:15:38,938 HEY, JOE. 458 00:15:41,411 --> 00:15:43,543 THANKS FOR NEUTERING ME ON TV. 459 00:15:46,016 --> 00:15:49,478 IT'S A GOOD THING THAT SEX WAS NEVER ON MY BUCKET LIST. 460 00:15:49,479 --> 00:15:52,551 ALL I SAID WAS YOU WERE A VIRTUOUS YOUNG MAN WHO IS RESPECTFUL OF WOMEN. 461 00:15:52,552 --> 00:15:54,483 YEAH, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT ALL THE WOMEN ARE LOOKING FOR, 462 00:15:54,484 --> 00:15:57,426 YOU KNOW, THE GUY WITH THE HOT, HOT VIRTUE. 463 00:15:57,427 --> 00:15:59,388 YOU CALLED ME A SEXUAL ZERO. 464 00:15:59,389 --> 00:16:02,091 EVERYBODY STARTS AT ZERO, PAL, 465 00:16:02,092 --> 00:16:04,363 YOU KNOW, UNTIL YOU SCORE. 466 00:16:04,364 --> 00:16:06,435 WELL, NOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO MOVE TO ANOTHER COUNTRY 467 00:16:06,436 --> 00:16:08,498 WHERE WOMEN HAVE NEVER SEEN TV. 468 00:16:09,569 --> 00:16:10,570 ( scoffs ) 469 00:16:12,002 --> 00:16:13,172 WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? 470 00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:16,376 SOMEONE WHO DID VERY BAD THINGS TO A POOCH. 471 00:16:20,010 --> 00:16:21,480 IS WATER GOOD, 472 00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:24,113 OR WOULD YOU PREFER SOMETHING A LITTLE STRONGER? 473 00:16:24,114 --> 00:16:25,514 UH, THAT'S VERY AMUSING 474 00:16:25,515 --> 00:16:28,018 BECAUSE PEOPLE SAY I DRINK. JUST WATER, THANK YOU. 475 00:16:29,459 --> 00:16:30,989 DO YOU SEE WHAT LENNOX DID TO ME? 476 00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:33,022 SHE TOTALLY HUMILIATED ME IN FRONT OF ALL OF OHIO. 477 00:16:33,023 --> 00:16:35,094 YEAH, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? YOUR NAME RECOGNITION IS WAY UP. 478 00:16:35,095 --> 00:16:36,365 I MEAN, PEOPLE KNOW WHO YOU ARE. 479 00:16:36,366 --> 00:16:39,428 YEAH, THE CRAZY DRUNK TO VOTE FOR. 480 00:16:39,429 --> 00:16:42,101 SHE DIDN'T SAY THAT YOU WERE CRAZY. 481 00:16:42,102 --> 00:16:44,033 WELL, SO YOU THINK ALL OF THIS IS JUST PEACHY? 482 00:16:44,034 --> 00:16:45,704 WELL, IT'S NOT BAD. I MEAN, THEY'RE PAYING US... 483 00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:47,406 HECK OF A LOT MORE THAN NANNY MONEY. 484 00:16:47,407 --> 00:16:48,537 OH, AND CHECK THIS OUT. 485 00:16:48,538 --> 00:16:50,409 SOMEONE CREATED A LITTLE FAN PAGE FOR ME. 486 00:16:50,410 --> 00:16:51,680 - ( phone beeps ) - LOOK AT THIS. 487 00:16:51,681 --> 00:16:53,582 "LADIES WHO ARE LOCO FOR LONGO," HUH? 488 00:16:53,583 --> 00:16:55,414 HMM, WELL, I'M VERY HAPPY FOR YOU 489 00:16:55,415 --> 00:16:57,446 AND THOSE DERANGED MIDDLE-AGED LADIES. 490 00:16:57,447 --> 00:16:59,318 MEL AND JOE, MY TWO FAVORITE GUEST HOSTS. 491 00:16:59,319 --> 00:17:00,449 I HAVE SOME EXCELLENT NEWS. 492 00:17:00,450 --> 00:17:02,421 THE REGULAR HOST... STILL IN THE HOSPITAL. 493 00:17:02,422 --> 00:17:03,592 THAT'S EXCELLENT NEWS? 494 00:17:03,593 --> 00:17:05,794 OH, NOT FOR HIM. THAT FACE-LIFT DID NOT TAKE. 495 00:17:05,795 --> 00:17:07,726 FRANKLY HE LOOKS LIKE A PICASSO. 496 00:17:07,727 --> 00:17:10,699 BUT HIS BOTCHED SURGERY IS YOUR LUCKY DAY. 497 00:17:10,700 --> 00:17:13,332 "GOOD MORNING TOLEDO" WANTS TO EXTEND YOUR CONTRACT FOR THE NEXT MONTH 498 00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:14,703 WITH A BUMP IN PAY. 499 00:17:14,704 --> 00:17:18,337 REALLY? EXACTLY HOW BIG IS THIS BUMP? 500 00:17:18,338 --> 00:17:20,038 BIGGER THAN MY AUNT EILEEN'S BUTT. 501 00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:22,271 YOU DON'T KNOW HER, BUT IT'S BIG. 502 00:17:22,272 --> 00:17:24,343 HEY, TOLEDO WANTS YOU GUYS ON THE AIR. 503 00:17:24,344 --> 00:17:26,375 FOR A WHOLE MONTH? WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT? 504 00:17:26,376 --> 00:17:28,377 YOUR CONSTANT DISASTERS AT HOME. 505 00:17:28,378 --> 00:17:30,048 YOUR LACK OF PARENTING SKILLS 506 00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:31,480 IS VERY RELATABLE TO OUR AUDIENCE. 507 00:17:31,481 --> 00:17:34,083 OKAY, SO THE ONLY REASON YOU WANT US ON THIS SHOW 508 00:17:34,084 --> 00:17:35,324 IS TO EXPLOIT MY FAMILY'S PROBLEMS 509 00:17:35,325 --> 00:17:36,425 FOR LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT? 510 00:17:36,426 --> 00:17:38,257 HOW DO I SAY THIS WITH SENSITIVITY? 511 00:17:38,258 --> 00:17:39,428 YEAH. 512 00:17:39,429 --> 00:17:42,761 WOW, YOU MAKE POLITICS LOOK NOBLE. 513 00:17:42,762 --> 00:17:44,333 YOU KNOW WHAT, KYLE? 514 00:17:44,334 --> 00:17:46,135 I DID THIS TO HELP MY STATE SENATE RUN, 515 00:17:46,136 --> 00:17:48,768 NOT TO PUT MY FAMILY ON DISPLAY LIKE LOBSTERS IN A TANK. 516 00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:52,571 LOOK, JOE, YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO, 517 00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:54,503 BUT I'M OUT. 518 00:17:54,504 --> 00:17:56,545 MEL, BUT... PLEASE. WE CAN'T DO THIS WITHOUT YOU. 519 00:17:56,546 --> 00:17:58,348 YOU'RE ESSENTIAL TO THE SHOW! 520 00:17:59,479 --> 00:18:02,811 JOE, I'M GONNA PAIR YOU WITH ASHLEY... 521 00:18:02,812 --> 00:18:04,483 THE NEW BACK-AND-FORTH. 522 00:18:04,484 --> 00:18:05,514 SHE ASKS YOU ABOUT THE KIDS. 523 00:18:05,515 --> 00:18:06,685 YOU GIVE US THE GRUESOME DETAILS. 524 00:18:06,686 --> 00:18:09,418 HEY, YOU CAN EVEN TRASH YOUR OLD CO-HOST. 525 00:18:09,419 --> 00:18:12,191 KYLE, LOOK, NORMALLY I DISAGREE WITH MEL 526 00:18:12,192 --> 00:18:13,423 ON JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING, BUT UM... 527 00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:17,326 NOT ON THIS ONE, MAN. I'M OUT TOO. 528 00:18:17,327 --> 00:18:18,767 LET ME AT LEAST TELL YOU HOW MUCH THE BUMP IS. 529 00:18:18,768 --> 00:18:20,229 OKAY. NO! 530 00:18:20,230 --> 00:18:21,570 NO, ACTUALLY, DON'T TELL ME. 531 00:18:21,571 --> 00:18:23,472 IT'LL JUST MAKE ME CRY. 532 00:18:23,473 --> 00:18:24,873 I'M JUST GONNA GO HOME 533 00:18:24,874 --> 00:18:27,436 AND WHIP OUT MY COMPUTER AND... 534 00:18:27,437 --> 00:18:28,808 SEARCH MYSELF TO SLEEP. 535 00:18:30,780 --> 00:18:32,211 Ashley: My twin sister and I 536 00:18:32,212 --> 00:18:33,583 both stripped our way through college. 537 00:18:34,884 --> 00:18:37,586 I finally got out, but she stayed in the life. 538 00:18:37,587 --> 00:18:40,549 Eventually she gained 200 pounds, 539 00:18:40,550 --> 00:18:41,720 but she kept stripping 540 00:18:41,721 --> 00:18:43,523 because it was the only work she could get. 541 00:18:45,355 --> 00:18:49,258 She was a philosophy major. 542 00:18:49,259 --> 00:18:51,129 WOW, "GOOD MORNING TOLEDO" 543 00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:53,302 HAS REALLY TAKEN A TURN TO THE TRASHY. 544 00:18:53,303 --> 00:18:55,164 THIS IS MINDLESS. 545 00:18:55,165 --> 00:18:57,167 OH MY GOD, I LOVE IT SO MUCH. 546 00:18:59,469 --> 00:19:01,270 - HEY, GUYS. - Zander: HEY. 547 00:19:01,271 --> 00:19:02,811 SO HOW COME ASHLEY'S HOSTING? 548 00:19:02,812 --> 00:19:04,373 YEAH, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU GUYS? 549 00:19:04,374 --> 00:19:06,745 OH... WELL, WHAT HAPPENED WAS... 550 00:19:06,746 --> 00:19:09,418 UH, THE TRUTH IS... 551 00:19:09,419 --> 00:19:11,220 THEY FIRED US. 552 00:19:11,221 --> 00:19:13,552 YEP, GAVE US THE BOOT. 553 00:19:13,553 --> 00:19:15,424 APPARENTLY, WE JUST WEREN'T INTERESTING ENOUGH. 554 00:19:15,425 --> 00:19:17,786 OH, YOU COULDN'T JUST KEEP DISHING DIRT ABOUT US? 555 00:19:17,787 --> 00:19:20,359 YEAH, NOBODY REALLY WANTED TO HEAR ABOUT THAT. 556 00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:22,231 MM-HMM. NO, THAT GOT OLD IN A HURRY. 557 00:19:22,232 --> 00:19:23,292 THEY DID A GOOD JOB WITH ASHLEY 558 00:19:23,293 --> 00:19:26,695 'CAUSE SHE IS A HOT TRAIN WRECK. 559 00:19:26,696 --> 00:19:28,497 HEY, I'M JUST HAPPY NO ONE'S GONNA BE 560 00:19:28,498 --> 00:19:30,369 TALKING ABOUT US ON TV ANYMORE. 561 00:19:30,370 --> 00:19:32,401 YES, FROM NOW ON, OUR FAMILY DRAMA 562 00:19:32,402 --> 00:19:34,673 WILL STAY IN THIS HOUSE WHERE IT BELONGS. 563 00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:36,245 IN THAT CASE, I SHOULD PROBABLY TAKE DOWN 564 00:19:36,246 --> 00:19:37,746 SOME UNFLATTERING PHOTOS OF JOE 565 00:19:37,747 --> 00:19:39,749 THAT MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE FOUND THEIR WAY ONTO THE INTERNET. 566 00:19:41,481 --> 00:19:42,912 THAT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA. 567 00:19:44,484 --> 00:19:46,855 HEY, LOOK, ABOUT ALL THIS STUFF THIS WEEK... 568 00:19:46,856 --> 00:19:48,717 DO YOU THINK WE CAN JUST FORGIVE EACH OTHER, 569 00:19:48,718 --> 00:19:50,719 ERASE OUR FACEBOOK TIMELINES, AND MOVE ON? 570 00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:52,921 ABSOLUTELY NOT. 571 00:19:52,922 --> 00:19:54,363 BUT MAYBE BY TOMORROW. 572 00:19:54,364 --> 00:19:55,424 AND YOU KNOW, ANOTHER GIFT CARD 573 00:19:55,425 --> 00:19:56,865 WOULD REALLY JUST SPEED THE HEALING. 574 00:19:56,866 --> 00:19:59,528 YEAH, DON'T PRESS YOUR LUCK. 575 00:19:59,529 --> 00:20:01,630 OKAY, WELL, JOE AND I WILL GO IN THE KITCHEN AND MAKE OUR 576 00:20:01,631 --> 00:20:03,402 DYSFUNCTIONAL LITTLE FAMILY A LOVELY DINNER. 577 00:20:03,403 --> 00:20:05,434 YES, AND BY "JOE AND I," SHE MEANS JOE. 578 00:20:05,435 --> 00:20:06,535 YEAH, I THOUGHT THAT WAS CLEAR. 579 00:20:06,536 --> 00:20:07,906 OH, SO JUST LIKE "GOOD MORNING TOLEDO," 580 00:20:07,907 --> 00:20:09,278 I WILL BE CARRYING YOU AGAIN. 581 00:20:09,279 --> 00:20:10,539 YEAH, RIGHT. LIKE YOU COULD CARRY 582 00:20:10,540 --> 00:20:11,541 ME AND THAT EGO. 583 00:20:13,343 --> 00:20:14,384 WAIT, LENNOX GOT A GIFT CARD? 584 00:20:19,919 --> 00:20:21,920 ( phone rings ) 585 00:20:21,921 --> 00:20:23,722 HELLO. 586 00:20:23,723 --> 00:20:24,993 YEAH, SURE. HOLD ON. 587 00:20:24,994 --> 00:20:26,756 IT'S ZANDER'S MOM FOR YOU. 588 00:20:27,657 --> 00:20:29,498 HELLO. 589 00:20:29,499 --> 00:20:31,430 WELL, YES, ZANDER'S HERE. WHERE ELSE WOULD HE BE 590 00:20:31,431 --> 00:20:32,461 AFTER YOU KICKED HIM OUT? 591 00:20:32,462 --> 00:20:35,264 WELL, IS THAT RIGHT? 592 00:20:35,265 --> 00:20:36,765 WELL, THAT IS A VERY DIFFERENT STORY. 593 00:20:36,766 --> 00:20:38,937 THANK YOU, OKAY. 594 00:20:38,938 --> 00:20:40,309 ( phone turns off ) 595 00:20:40,310 --> 00:20:41,411 OH, ZANDER. 596 00:20:43,773 --> 00:20:45,815 MAY I JUST SAY, YOU LOOK LOVELY TONIGHT. 597 00:20:46,846 --> 00:20:48,817 AND MR. LONGO, THAT WAS SUPERLATIVE CHICKEN. 598 00:20:48,818 --> 00:20:50,549 LIFE-CHANGING. 599 00:20:50,550 --> 00:20:52,751 SO YOUR MOM SAID 600 00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:53,952 THAT SHE DIDN'T KICK YOU OUT AT ALL. 601 00:20:53,953 --> 00:20:55,954 WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ME WHY YOU LIED TO US? 602 00:20:55,955 --> 00:20:57,456 IT'S JUST THAT IT'S KIND OF NICE 603 00:20:57,457 --> 00:20:59,688 BEING HERE WHERE LENNOX IS ALL THE TIME. 604 00:20:59,689 --> 00:21:02,731 OH, ISN'T HE JUST THE CUTEST? 605 00:21:02,732 --> 00:21:04,363 BUT YOU SPENT EVERY NIGHT IN MY ROOM. 606 00:21:04,364 --> 00:21:05,634 I DON'T GET IT. WHAT'S THE UPSIDE? 607 00:21:05,635 --> 00:21:07,666 YOU GOT ME. IT DOESN'T REALLY MAKE MUCH SENSE. 608 00:21:07,667 --> 00:21:10,470 OH, EXCEPT YOU GUYS ARE GONE A LOT DURING THE DAY. 609 00:21:14,544 --> 00:21:15,804 ZANDER. 610 00:21:15,805 --> 00:21:17,676 - YEAH. - I'M GONNA GIVE YOU 611 00:21:17,677 --> 00:21:19,508 A RUNNING START. 612 00:21:19,509 --> 00:21:21,381 I SUGGEST YOU TAKE IT. 613 00:21:25,455 --> 00:21:26,786 OH, HEY!