1 00:00:07,678 --> 00:00:10,080 "MELISSA & JOEY" IS RECORDED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE. 2 00:00:10,081 --> 00:00:11,641 - THANK YOU. - THANK YOU! 3 00:00:11,642 --> 00:00:14,184 I GOTTA TELL YOU, MRS. BENG, YOU SNAGGED A REAL GOOD ONE HERE. 4 00:00:14,185 --> 00:00:17,016 THIS BACK MASSAGER I THINK IS THE STEAL OF THE WHOLE YARD SALE. 5 00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:19,549 OH, AND MEL PROMISED ME THAT THIS ONE IN PARTICULAR 6 00:00:19,550 --> 00:00:22,223 SHE ONLY USED ON HER BACK, SO. 7 00:00:24,055 --> 00:00:25,795 - THANK YOU. - THANK YOU! 8 00:00:25,796 --> 00:00:28,358 I CANNOT BELIEVE THE CRAP PEOPLE BOUGHT. 9 00:00:28,359 --> 00:00:30,400 YEAH, I CAN'T BELIEVE THE CRAP YOUR AUNT OWNS. 10 00:00:30,401 --> 00:00:32,302 Mel: I HEARD THAT. 11 00:00:32,303 --> 00:00:35,505 MY STUFF IS NOT CRAP. IT'S VINTAGE AMERICANA. 12 00:00:35,506 --> 00:00:37,307 A SINGING BASS? 13 00:00:37,308 --> 00:00:40,370 YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE HOW FUNNY THAT IS WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK. 14 00:00:40,371 --> 00:00:43,114 ...ON LIFE AND FRIENDS. 15 00:00:45,646 --> 00:00:48,118 WELL, NOW THAT YOU'VE COME DOWN FROM YOUR GARAGE-SALE HIGH, 16 00:00:48,119 --> 00:00:49,579 I CAN TELL YOU MY NEWS: 17 00:00:49,580 --> 00:00:52,522 I GOT APPROACHED ABOUT RUNNING FOR THE STATE SENATE NEXT YEAR. 18 00:00:52,523 --> 00:00:54,754 I'M ON A SHORT LIST WITH THREE OTHER PEOPLE! 19 00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:56,326 - IT'S A GOOD THING WE KEPT THIS. - ( beeps ) 20 00:00:56,327 --> 00:00:58,328 Awesome! Way to go! 21 00:00:58,329 --> 00:00:59,829 - You're the best! - ( beeps ) 22 00:00:59,830 --> 00:01:02,493 MMM, THAT MUST BE WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE IN YOUR HEAD ALL THE TIME. 23 00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:06,096 IT'S PRETTY CLOSE. 24 00:01:06,097 --> 00:01:08,168 THAT'S GREAT NEWS ABOUT THE SENATE THING, AUNT MEL, 25 00:01:08,169 --> 00:01:11,070 BUT IS IT AS GREAT AS THIS FANTASTIC PARADE OF PRESIDENTS? 26 00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:13,303 - WHOOP! - WE SOLD YOUR RATTY ELECTRIC BLANKET, 27 00:01:13,304 --> 00:01:16,106 YOUR LINT LIZARD, YOUR OLD NIGHTSTAND, YOUR LAVA LAMP... 28 00:01:16,107 --> 00:01:18,077 WHOA, BACK IT UP. MY OLD NIGHTSTAND?! 29 00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:20,480 - TO WHO? - ANDREW, THAT DUDE DOWN THE STREET 30 00:01:20,481 --> 00:01:24,114 WITH THE PORSCHE AND THE VAGUELY RACIST LAWN JOCKEYS. 31 00:01:24,115 --> 00:01:27,086 BUT YOU EMPTIED IT OUT FIRST BEFORE YOU GAVE IT TO HIM, RIGHT? 32 00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:29,489 NO, THERE WAS JUST SOME OLD JUNK IN THERE: A COUPLE OF MATCHBOOKS... 33 00:01:29,490 --> 00:01:32,091 OH, AND A VIDEOTAPE OF THE 2002 WORLD SERIES. 34 00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:34,794 SPOILER ALERT: THE ANGELS WON. 35 00:01:34,795 --> 00:01:38,097 WE WERE GONNA TOSS IT, BUT ANDREW SAID HE WAS A FAN OF BASEBALL, 36 00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:39,869 - SO HE WAS PSYCHED TO HAVE IT. - OH REALLY? 37 00:01:39,870 --> 00:01:42,602 UH, RYDER, I NEED YOU TO DO ME A FAVOR? 38 00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:44,574 UM, I NEED YOU TO SELL THIS BASS. 39 00:01:44,575 --> 00:01:46,136 - YEAH. - WHAT? 40 00:01:46,137 --> 00:01:49,139 - GO DOOR TO DOOR. - BUT HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT? 41 00:01:49,140 --> 00:01:51,641 JUST FIND A DRUNK WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH. 42 00:01:51,642 --> 00:01:53,883 HOW COULD YOU SELL MY NIGHTSTAND?! 43 00:01:53,884 --> 00:01:56,115 YOU TOLD ME TO GET RID OF ALL YOUR OLD JUNK. 44 00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:57,847 OKAY, THAT TAPE WAS NOT JUNK! 45 00:01:57,848 --> 00:02:00,590 "WORLD SERIES" WAS CODE FOR A VERY PERSONAL, 46 00:02:00,591 --> 00:02:02,252 VERY PRIVATE RECORDED MOMENT 47 00:02:02,253 --> 00:02:04,195 BETWEEN ME AND MY THEN-BOYFRIEND. 48 00:02:05,656 --> 00:02:07,228 OHHH, MY GOODNESS. 49 00:02:08,759 --> 00:02:12,362 WOW, YOUNG BURKE MADE A LITTLE SEX TAPE, HUH? 50 00:02:12,363 --> 00:02:14,804 NO, I WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT. 51 00:02:14,805 --> 00:02:17,507 IT WAS A LOVE TAPE. 52 00:02:17,508 --> 00:02:19,169 ( theme music playing ) 53 00:02:19,170 --> 00:02:20,640 - ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD ♪ - ♪ All good ♪ 54 00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:22,472 - ♪ IT'S OKAY ♪ - ♪ Okay ♪ 55 00:02:22,473 --> 00:02:23,843 - ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪ - ♪ All right ♪ 56 00:02:23,844 --> 00:02:25,775 ♪ AS FAR AS I CAN SEE ♪ 57 00:02:25,776 --> 00:02:27,517 - ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD ♪ - ♪ All good ♪ 58 00:02:27,518 --> 00:02:29,249 - ♪ IT'S OKAY ♪ - ♪ Okay ♪ 59 00:02:29,250 --> 00:02:31,181 - ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪ - ♪ All right ♪ 60 00:02:31,182 --> 00:02:33,783 ♪ I GUESS YOU'RE STUCK ♪ 61 00:02:33,784 --> 00:02:36,857 ♪ WITH ME ♪ 62 00:02:38,859 --> 00:02:40,460 I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS TO ME! 63 00:02:40,461 --> 00:02:43,393 HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW "2002 WORLD SERIES, GAME SEVEN" 64 00:02:43,394 --> 00:02:46,236 - WAS CODE FOR "SEX TAPE"? - HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW?! 65 00:02:46,237 --> 00:02:49,439 DID YOU REALLY THINK I HAD AN EMOTIONAL CONNECTION TO A BASEBALL GAME? 66 00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:52,202 YOU KNOW, I WAS ON THE SHORT LIST FOR STATE SENATE, JOE! 67 00:02:52,203 --> 00:02:53,873 NOW THAT'S OVER! NOW THAT THERE'S 68 00:02:53,874 --> 00:02:56,647 A TAPE OUT THERE OF ME... PLAYING BALL. 69 00:02:57,778 --> 00:02:59,809 VOTERS DON'T REALLY LIKE THAT. 70 00:02:59,810 --> 00:03:02,782 HONESTLY IT DEPENDS ON THE DEMO. I THINK MALES 18 TO 35 71 00:03:02,783 --> 00:03:05,855 - MIGHT ACTUALLY VOTE FOR YOU, LIKE, TWICE. - ( scoffs ) 72 00:03:05,856 --> 00:03:07,787 UGH. THIS IS THE WORST THING EVER. 73 00:03:07,788 --> 00:03:10,490 HEY, YOU KNOW THAT CONVICT I'VE BEEN WRITING TO? 74 00:03:10,491 --> 00:03:12,462 NEW WORST THING EVER. 75 00:03:12,463 --> 00:03:14,264 WHAT CONVICT? NEED MORE DETAILS. 76 00:03:14,265 --> 00:03:16,866 I TOLD YOU, THE GUY FROM THE NONPROFIT I'M VOLUNTEERING AT... 77 00:03:16,867 --> 00:03:18,798 - "GUILT-FREE." - THAT'S ABOUT GUYS IN JAIL? 78 00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:20,870 I THOUGHT THAT WAS ABOUT NON-FAT COOKIES. 79 00:03:20,871 --> 00:03:22,732 INNOCENT PEOPLE LANGUISH IN JAIL 80 00:03:22,733 --> 00:03:24,704 BECAUSE OF OUR CORRUPT JUDICIAL SYSTEM! 81 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:27,537 WE RESEARCH THEIR CASES AND WRITE THEM LETTERS OF SUPPORT. 82 00:03:27,538 --> 00:03:30,280 HONEY, CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE ME AND MEET GUYS IN BARS 83 00:03:30,281 --> 00:03:32,942 INSTEAD OF BEHIND THEM? WHAT DID THIS GUY DO? 84 00:03:32,943 --> 00:03:35,315 HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. THAT'S WHAT I CAME TO TELL YOU... 85 00:03:35,316 --> 00:03:38,618 HIS CASE IS BEING REVIEWED AND THEY'LL BE ABLE TO PROVE HE WAS WRONGLY ACCUSED. 86 00:03:38,619 --> 00:03:40,550 YEAH? WHAT WAS THE CHOIRBOY CHARGED WITH? 87 00:03:40,551 --> 00:03:43,793 PFFFT! TAKING MONEY FROM A BANK. 88 00:03:43,794 --> 00:03:46,256 YOU THINK BANK ROBBERY IS "PFFFT"?! 89 00:03:46,257 --> 00:03:49,299 AT LEAST IT'S NOT "PFFFT MURDER." 90 00:03:49,300 --> 00:03:51,961 BARELY ANY MONEY WAS STOLEN. AND NONE OF IT BY DEVIN. 91 00:03:51,962 --> 00:03:53,863 YEAH? HE'S STILL GUILTY IN THE COURT OF JOE. 92 00:03:53,864 --> 00:03:55,965 SO NO MORE LETTERS TO OR FROM THIS GUY. 93 00:03:55,966 --> 00:03:57,968 WHY DO YOU HATE JUSTICE SO MUCH?! 94 00:03:59,970 --> 00:04:01,971 THIS IS JUST GREAT. MY REPUTATION IS RUINED 95 00:04:01,972 --> 00:04:03,773 AND LENNOX IS GOING TO BE A PRISON WIFE. 96 00:04:03,774 --> 00:04:05,915 WHERE... WHERE ARE YOU GOING? 97 00:04:05,916 --> 00:04:09,319 OH, I THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE A DANDY TIME TO GET A PEDICURE AND INSTAGRAM A SELFIE. 98 00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:11,422 I'M GOING TO GET MY TAPE BACK! 99 00:04:13,584 --> 00:04:15,326 ( electronic chiming ) 100 00:04:20,291 --> 00:04:22,332 - ( beeps ) - LENNOX'S COMPUTER. 101 00:04:22,333 --> 00:04:24,263 Hey, dude. Can you get Lennox for me? 102 00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,766 My lawyer gave me five minutes with his computer 103 00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:29,499 and the guards get antsy if I go over. 104 00:04:29,500 --> 00:04:30,900 GUARDS? 105 00:04:30,901 --> 00:04:34,374 OHH, YOU'RE THE GUY IN THE BIG HOUSE, 106 00:04:34,375 --> 00:04:36,746 UP THE RIVER, SLAMMER MAN. 107 00:04:36,747 --> 00:04:38,648 HOW'S IT GOING, MAN? 108 00:04:38,649 --> 00:04:40,910 - WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON MY COMPUTER?! - OH, IT WAS RINGING. 109 00:04:40,911 --> 00:04:43,683 AND I WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO MISS A CALL FROM YOUR FRIEND... 110 00:04:43,684 --> 00:04:46,285 - IN PRISON. - YOU CAN'T TELL AUNT MEL AND JOE! 111 00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:49,319 - OH, CAN'T I? - WHAT IF WE JUST GO INTO THE KITCHEN 112 00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:51,991 - AND PRETEND THIS NEVER HAPPENED? - MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO. 113 00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:55,425 COME ON, RYDER, YOU AND DEVIN ARE KINDRED SPIRITS. 114 00:04:55,426 --> 00:04:58,768 THINK ABOUT IT: HE WAS UNJUSTLY SENTENCED FOR A CRIME 115 00:04:58,769 --> 00:05:01,501 AND YOU WERE UNFAIRLY SUSPENDED FOR A CRIME. 116 00:05:01,502 --> 00:05:04,974 - THAT'S TRUE. - YEAH, YOU GUYS ARE LIKE BROTHERS. 117 00:05:04,975 --> 00:05:08,007 - BAD-ASS BROTHERS! - YEAH, WE ARE. 118 00:05:08,008 --> 00:05:10,310 AND HOMIES DON'T RAT OUT HOMIES. 119 00:05:11,942 --> 00:05:14,444 Hey, guys? Guys? 120 00:05:14,445 --> 00:05:17,016 - Anybody? - ( buzzes ) 121 00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:19,490 I only get to video chat like once a week. 122 00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:24,054 ( clears throat ) 123 00:05:27,998 --> 00:05:30,430 HOLD ON, SOME BARBIE'S BEGGING FOR CHARITY. 124 00:05:30,431 --> 00:05:34,534 YOU GOT 60 SECONDS. I'M ABOUT TO CLOSE A DEAL TO BUY A SHOPPING MALL. 125 00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:36,706 GO! 126 00:05:36,707 --> 00:05:38,037 HEY, IT MAY BE A LITTLE LATE, 127 00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:40,370 BUT WELCOME TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD! I'M MEL BURKE 128 00:05:40,371 --> 00:05:42,942 - FROM DOWN THE STREET. - 55 SECONDS. 129 00:05:42,943 --> 00:05:45,845 OKAY, MY NANNY ACCIDENTALLY SOLD YOU A NIGHTSTAND 130 00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:47,817 AND IT'S EXTREMELY SENTIMENTAL TO ME. 131 00:05:47,818 --> 00:05:51,080 I'D LIKE TO BUY IT BACK FROM YOU ALONG WITH ANY CONTENTS THEREIN. 132 00:05:51,081 --> 00:05:53,523 I WILL EVEN THROW IN THIS SHINY NEW JACKSON. 133 00:05:53,524 --> 00:05:55,555 IT MIGHT HELP YOU WITH THAT MALL DEAL. 134 00:05:55,556 --> 00:05:58,958 WAIT, I KNOW YOU! YOU'RE THAT COUNCILWOMAN 135 00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:01,591 WHO PUT IN THE SPEED BUMPS IN FRONT OF THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. 136 00:06:01,592 --> 00:06:04,063 - GUILTY AS CHARGED. - THAT WAS MY SHORTCUT HOME. 137 00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:06,996 I DRIVE A PORSCHE AND THAT STREET IN FRONT OF THE SCHOOL 138 00:06:06,997 --> 00:06:09,999 WAS THE ONLY PLACE IN TOWN I COULD REALLY OPEN HER UP. 139 00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:12,872 BUT YOU SEE, WHILE YOU LOST YOUR RACETRACK, 140 00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:15,905 OTHERS GAINED A MORE IMPORTANT PUBLIC GOOD: 141 00:06:15,906 --> 00:06:17,807 THEIR YOUNG, INNOCENT LIVES? 142 00:06:17,808 --> 00:06:20,080 - SEE, THE WAY DEMOCRACY WORKS IS... - OH, TIME'S UP! 143 00:06:22,583 --> 00:06:24,554 WE APPRECIATE YOUR VIEWS... 144 00:06:24,555 --> 00:06:26,987 MR. BITE ME! 145 00:06:34,064 --> 00:06:36,896 WELL, I DIDN'T GET THE TAPE BACK. MY LIFE IS OVER. 146 00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:39,499 YOU CAN SELL THE REST OF THE FURNITURE AND THE HOUSE. 147 00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:41,771 I'LL JUST LIVE IN A BOX 148 00:06:41,772 --> 00:06:44,675 BEHIND THE SUPERMARKET WITH THE REST OF THE SEX PERVERTS. 149 00:06:46,477 --> 00:06:49,439 RELAX, WOULD YOU? MAKING A SEX TAPE IS HARDLY GOING TO RUIN YOUR LIFE. 150 00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:51,410 HECK, A LOT OF PEOPLE USE IT AS A SPRINGBOARD 151 00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:53,484 TO MOVE ON TO BIGGER AND BETTER THINGS, LIKE... 152 00:06:54,685 --> 00:06:56,487 M-MARRYING RAPPERS. 153 00:06:57,588 --> 00:06:59,719 - THANKS FOR HELPING. - LOOK, THIS ANDREW GUY 154 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:01,491 IS PROBABLY NOT GONNA EVEN WATCH THAT TAPE. 155 00:07:01,492 --> 00:07:03,192 FIRST OF ALL, HE'D HAVE TO FIND A V.C.R. TO WATCH IT ON... 156 00:07:03,193 --> 00:07:05,895 I MEAN THAT ALONE COULD TAKE YEARS. 157 00:07:05,896 --> 00:07:08,197 THE UNCERTAINTY IS ALMOST THE WORST PART. 158 00:07:08,198 --> 00:07:11,461 HOW CAN I LIVE NEVER KNOWING WHEN THE OTHER BOOB MIGHT DROP? 159 00:07:11,462 --> 00:07:13,062 HEY, GREAT NEWS! 160 00:07:13,063 --> 00:07:14,504 THEY'RE GOING TO SHOW YOUR TAPE ON TV. 161 00:07:14,505 --> 00:07:16,736 WHAT?! ALREADY? 162 00:07:16,737 --> 00:07:19,438 I JUST SAW THE PROMO. THEY'RE GOING TO SHOW THE WHOLE THING UNCUT, 163 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,741 NOT JUST THE HIGHLIGHTS! 164 00:07:21,742 --> 00:07:24,013 I'M JUST GOING TO GO TAKE A NICE WARM BATH 165 00:07:24,014 --> 00:07:26,676 - WITH MY TOASTER. - WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE. 166 00:07:26,677 --> 00:07:29,649 - RYDER, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? - ESPN IS RERUNNING 167 00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:32,952 THE 2002 WORLD SERIES. YOU KNOW, THE ONE YOU LIKE SO MUCH. 168 00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:36,185 OH, THE ACTUAL WORLD SERIES! 169 00:07:36,186 --> 00:07:40,630 THE ONE WITHOUT ALL THE CLOSE-UPS! THAT'S FANTASTIC! 170 00:07:40,631 --> 00:07:42,462 I KNEW YOU'D WANT TO KNOW. 171 00:07:43,564 --> 00:07:46,966 OH, THIS NEWS IS SO EXCITING THAT I NEED TO GO DRINK ALONE. 172 00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:49,540 RIGHT AFTER I RECORD THAT BASEBALL GAME. HA HA! 173 00:07:52,172 --> 00:07:55,204 - I RARELY UNDERSTAND HER. - FEW DO, YEAH. 174 00:07:55,205 --> 00:07:58,247 - SO, JOE, I'VE GOT A PROPOSITION FOR YOU. - OKAY. 175 00:07:58,248 --> 00:08:00,510 HOW 'BOUT WE GO HALFSIES ON THIS 176 00:08:00,511 --> 00:08:02,752 VINTAGE PINBALL MACHINE I FOUND ON eBAY? 177 00:08:02,753 --> 00:08:04,614 YOU'VE BEEN BROWSING THE INTERNET FOR ANTIQUES? 178 00:08:04,615 --> 00:08:06,215 WHAT, DID YOU ALREADY GO THROUGH ALL THE PORN? 179 00:08:06,216 --> 00:08:08,217 NO, THIS IS ACTUALLY REALLY COOL. 180 00:08:08,218 --> 00:08:10,560 I PLAYED THE SAME PINBALL MACHINE IN ANDREW'S GARAGE 181 00:08:10,561 --> 00:08:12,192 WHEN I MOVED THE NIGHTSTAND IN THERE. 182 00:08:13,263 --> 00:08:15,094 IT'S IN HIS GARAGE? 183 00:08:15,095 --> 00:08:16,996 THAT'S... THAT'S FANTASTIC. 184 00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:19,268 THAT'S AMAZING. I HAVE TO GO TELL YOUR AUNT! 185 00:08:19,269 --> 00:08:21,732 SHE'S GOING TO BE SO HAPPY! ( laughs ) 186 00:08:24,034 --> 00:08:26,636 SOMETHING'S GOING ON IN THIS HOUSE. 187 00:08:26,637 --> 00:08:28,137 HEY, YOUR PROBLEM IS SOLVED. 188 00:08:28,138 --> 00:08:29,739 OH, GOOD, DID YOU BRING VODKA? 189 00:08:29,740 --> 00:08:31,911 'CAUSE THIS WINE IS WUSSING OUT ON THE JOB. 190 00:08:31,912 --> 00:08:34,243 NO NO, I KNOW WHERE THE TAPE IS. IT'S IN THE JERK'S GARAGE. 191 00:08:34,244 --> 00:08:36,185 AND YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU AND I ARE GOING TO STEAL IT. 192 00:08:36,186 --> 00:08:38,748 WHAT? STEAL IT?! ARE YOU CRAZY?! 193 00:08:38,749 --> 00:08:40,720 - DO YOU HAVE A BETTER IDEA? - YES! 194 00:08:40,721 --> 00:08:43,092 WE SHOULD SET HIS GARAGE ON FIRE. 195 00:08:43,093 --> 00:08:46,556 OH, ARSON, THAT'S GREAT. WHAT'S PLAN "C," A DRONE STRIKE? 196 00:08:46,557 --> 00:08:48,197 OH, I WONDER IF I CAN GET MY HANDS ON A DRONE. 197 00:08:48,198 --> 00:08:50,029 MY DAD STILL HAS SOME PULL IN D.C. 198 00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:52,001 YO, BURKE BURKE BURKE! FOCUS! 199 00:08:52,002 --> 00:08:54,734 OKAY, FINE, IF WE'RE GONNA BREAK IN, WE HAVE TO DO IT AT THE RIGHT TIME. 200 00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:57,206 - THE GUY CAN'T BE THERE IF WE'RE GOING TO STEAL IT. - STEAL WHAT? 201 00:08:57,207 --> 00:08:59,208 STEAL... HOME. 202 00:08:59,209 --> 00:09:02,211 WE ARE JUST TALKING ABOUT THAT GREAT GAME, YOU KNOW, 203 00:09:02,212 --> 00:09:05,575 WHERE THE HITTER-BATTER- RUNNER-GUY STOLE HOME. 204 00:09:05,576 --> 00:09:08,077 - SOMEONE STOLE HOME IN THE WORLD SERIES? - WELL WELL, THEY... 205 00:09:08,078 --> 00:09:10,279 THEY DIDN'T EXACTLY STEAL HOME. IT WAS MORE THAT THE... 206 00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:14,584 THE CATCHER ALLOWED HIM TO SCORE. 207 00:09:14,585 --> 00:09:17,326 WELL, THE CATCHER WAS YOUNG AND NAIVE 208 00:09:17,327 --> 00:09:21,260 AND DIDN'T REALIZE THAT THE WHOLE WORLD WOULD HAVE A CHANCE TO SEE THE BIG PLAY. 209 00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:24,795 THAT ALL SOUNDS VERY EXCITING. DID HE SLIDE IN HEAD FIRST? 210 00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:30,299 I DON'T RECALL. DID HE, MEL? 211 00:09:30,300 --> 00:09:32,302 I CAN'T TALK ABOUT IT! 212 00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:35,575 HOW DID I MISS THIS GAME? 213 00:09:38,278 --> 00:09:41,310 BURKE, OKAY, TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT. 214 00:09:41,311 --> 00:09:45,915 REALLY? BUT ALL MY BLACK SNEAKING-AROUND CLOTHES ARE IN THE WASH. 215 00:09:45,916 --> 00:09:47,857 THERE'S A BIG MUDHENS GAME TONIGHT. 216 00:09:47,858 --> 00:09:50,820 THIS GUY NEVER MISSES A GAME. HE'S EVEN GOT MUDHEN STICKERS ON HIS CAR. 217 00:09:50,821 --> 00:09:53,062 WHAT KIND OF AN IDIOT PUTS STICKERS ON A PORSCHE? 218 00:09:53,063 --> 00:09:55,324 HMM, AN IDIOT SMART ENOUGH TO AFFORD ONE 219 00:09:55,325 --> 00:09:58,067 AND THEN NOT LOSE IT IN A FINANCIAL SCANDAL? 220 00:09:58,068 --> 00:10:00,299 AT LEAST I DIDN'T VIDEOTAPE MYSELF LOSING MY CAR. 221 00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:03,673 ANYWAY TONIGHT FROM 7:00 TO 10:00, THAT'S GONNA BE OUR WINDOW. 222 00:10:03,674 --> 00:10:07,006 OKAY, TONIGHT AT 7:00 WE WILL OFFICIALLY BECOME CRIMINALS. 223 00:10:07,007 --> 00:10:09,078 OH, THIS COULD BE THE WORST THING EVER! 224 00:10:09,079 --> 00:10:12,111 DEVIN JUST CALLED ME FROM PRISON! 225 00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:15,144 YOU HAVE TO STOP SAYING STUFF LIKE THAT BECAUSE IT CAUSES THIS. 226 00:10:15,145 --> 00:10:17,286 HE WAS FINALLY EXONERATED. 227 00:10:17,287 --> 00:10:19,318 HE'S BEING RELEASED AND HE WANTS TO COME OVER FOR DINNER. 228 00:10:19,319 --> 00:10:22,151 - WHAT? WHY? - HE WANTS TO PERSONALLY THANK 229 00:10:22,152 --> 00:10:24,123 EVERYONE WHO HELPED WORK FOR HIS RELEASE. 230 00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:27,396 OH, ESPECIALLY THE CUTE, BLONDE, UNDERAGE ONES? 231 00:10:27,397 --> 00:10:29,398 COULDN'T HE JUST SEND A THANK-YOU GIFT, 232 00:10:29,399 --> 00:10:32,131 LIKE A FRUIT BASKET OR BALLOONS FILLED WITH HEROIN? 233 00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:34,734 I WANT TO SEE HIM. AFTER ALL THESE MONTHS 234 00:10:34,735 --> 00:10:37,006 OF CORRESPONDING, I FEEL LIKE WE REALLY CONNECTED. 235 00:10:37,007 --> 00:10:39,408 HONEY, HE CAN'T COME OVER HERE. IT'S BAD FOR MY IMAGE. 236 00:10:39,409 --> 00:10:41,240 YEAH, YOUR IMAGE. 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WORST PART 237 00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:42,912 ABOUT HAVING A CRIMINAL HERE IN THE HOUSE. 238 00:10:42,913 --> 00:10:45,745 DEVIN'S NOT A CRIMINAL. AND YOU'RE ON RECORD 239 00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:48,247 ADVOCATING FOR THE REHABILITATION OF EX-CONS. 240 00:10:48,248 --> 00:10:51,250 YOU SAID IT WAS SOCIETY'S DUTY TO GET THEM BACK ON THE RIGHT PATH! 241 00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:54,283 YES, BUT NOT ON THE PATH TO OUR HOUSE. 242 00:10:54,284 --> 00:10:56,385 IF YOU EVER MEANT ANYTHING YOU SAID EVER 243 00:10:56,386 --> 00:10:57,727 AND YOU HAVE ANY HEART AT ALL 244 00:10:57,728 --> 00:10:59,428 - YOU'LL LET HIM COME. - I HAVE A HEART! 245 00:10:59,429 --> 00:11:02,291 UGH! FINE. YOUR LOWLIFE PEN PAL CAN COME. 246 00:11:02,292 --> 00:11:04,093 GOOD, I'M GLAD YOU GUYS AGREED. 247 00:11:04,094 --> 00:11:06,395 - FOR THE RECORD I DO NOT AGREE. - I ALREADY TOLD DEVIN 248 00:11:06,396 --> 00:11:08,667 HE COULD COME TONIGHT AT 7:00. 249 00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:11,340 - AT 7:00 TONIGHT? - NOPE NOPE, THAT'S NOT GONNA WORK. 250 00:11:11,341 --> 00:11:13,672 NO, MEL AND I ARE ACTUALLY BUSY TONIGHT AT 7:00. SORRY. 251 00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:15,444 - YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO CALL AND CANCEL. - I CAN'T! 252 00:11:15,445 --> 00:11:18,277 HE GOT RELEASED SO I CAN'T CALL HIM IN PRISON AND HE DOESN'T HAVE A PHONE YET. 253 00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:20,309 CAN YOU CALL HIS ANKLE BRACELET OR SOMETHING?! 254 00:11:20,310 --> 00:11:24,013 HE DOESN'T HAVE AN ANKLE BRACELET 'CAUSE HE'S NOT GUILTY. 255 00:11:24,014 --> 00:11:25,916 HE'S COMING TONIGHT SO GET ON BOARD! 256 00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,358 THIS IS GREAT. THIS IS JUST WHAT WE NEED: 257 00:11:29,359 --> 00:11:31,360 AN EX-CON IN THE HOUSE TONIGHT. 258 00:11:31,361 --> 00:11:34,894 IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW, "WELCOME! SIT DOWN, PULL UP AN ELECTRIC CHAIR." 259 00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:36,395 NO NO NO, THINK ABOUT IT, 260 00:11:36,396 --> 00:11:39,328 THIS COULD BE A GOOD THING. THE DINNER GIVES US AN ALIBI. 261 00:11:39,329 --> 00:11:41,330 WE SNEAK OUT FOR FIVE MINUTES, GET THE TAPE BACK, 262 00:11:41,331 --> 00:11:44,373 AND WE'RE BACK HERE EATING RISOTTO WITH PORCINI LIKE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED. 263 00:11:44,374 --> 00:11:47,737 YOU ARE MAKING RISOTTO WITH PORCINI, RIGHT? BECAUSE I LOVE THAT. 264 00:11:47,738 --> 00:11:49,909 YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT PLAN MIGHT ACTUALLY WORK. 265 00:11:49,910 --> 00:11:51,981 YEAH, PLUS IF ANYTHING SEEMS FISHY, 266 00:11:51,982 --> 00:11:55,314 IT WOULDN'T HURT IF THERE JUST HAPPENS TO BE AN EX-CON IN THE IMMEDIATE VICINITY. 267 00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:58,748 SO YOU'D BE OKAY TO PIN OUR CRIME ON AN INNOCENT MAN? 268 00:11:58,749 --> 00:12:02,051 NOT "PIN." JUST GENTLY LEAN IT AGAINST HIM. 269 00:12:02,052 --> 00:12:04,093 I DON'T KNOW IF I FEEL GREAT ABOUT THAT. 270 00:12:04,094 --> 00:12:07,157 WELL, BUCK UP, LONGO, 'CAUSE TONIGHT WE RIDE. 271 00:12:08,398 --> 00:12:10,900 - PLEASE DON'T DO THAT. - TONIGHT WE BOUNCE. 272 00:12:10,901 --> 00:12:15,404 - NO. - COME WITH SOME POWDER 'CAUSE TONIGHT WE BUST A CAP! 273 00:12:15,405 --> 00:12:18,407 - WE DON'T EVEN OWN A GUN. - OHHH. 274 00:12:18,408 --> 00:12:20,369 - IS THAT WHAT CAP MEANS? - OH MY GOD. 275 00:12:20,370 --> 00:12:22,312 YOLO! 276 00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:31,821 YOU KNOW, DEVIN, 277 00:12:31,822 --> 00:12:34,954 SEEING YOU FRESH OUT OF PRISON AND SITTING HERE NEXT TO LENNOX, 278 00:12:34,955 --> 00:12:38,227 IT'S REALLY HARD TO PUT INTO WORDS WHAT I'M FEELING. 279 00:12:38,228 --> 00:12:40,089 BUT IT'S GOOD THINGS, RIGHT? 280 00:12:40,090 --> 00:12:42,932 I DON'T KNOW HOW I'LL EVER PAY LENNOX BACK FOR ALL SHE DID. 281 00:12:42,933 --> 00:12:44,834 OH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY HER BACK. NOT AT ALL. 282 00:12:44,835 --> 00:12:46,435 JUST EAT YOUR MEAL, GO HOME, WE'RE SQUARE. 283 00:12:46,436 --> 00:12:47,937 I JUST FEEL LIKE I OUGHT TO DO SOMETHING. 284 00:12:47,938 --> 00:12:49,338 YOU WELCOMED ME INTO YOUR HOUSE. 285 00:12:49,339 --> 00:12:50,900 PEOPLE LIKE YOU USUALLY STEER CLEAR OF ME. 286 00:12:50,901 --> 00:12:53,442 WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE ARE THOSE? 287 00:12:53,443 --> 00:12:56,275 THOSE ARE... THOSE ARE CRAZY PEOPLE. 288 00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:58,207 WOW, LOOK AT THE TIME! 289 00:12:58,208 --> 00:13:00,449 ACTUALLY, MEL, WE'D BETTER GET CRACKIN' ON THAT SALAD, 290 00:13:00,450 --> 00:13:02,852 - IT BEING ALMOST 7:30 AND ALL. - SHOOT. UH, YEAH. 291 00:13:02,853 --> 00:13:05,956 YOU KNOW WHAT? I WILL HELP BECAUSE SALAD IS LIKE A TWO-PERSON JOB. 292 00:13:07,888 --> 00:13:09,859 YOU KNOW, I FEEL YOU, MY BROTHER. 293 00:13:09,860 --> 00:13:11,991 AFTER I WAS SLAPPED WITH MY DRUG OFFENSE, 294 00:13:11,992 --> 00:13:13,522 EVERYONE I WAS CLOSE TO ABANDONED ME. 295 00:13:13,523 --> 00:13:15,925 ON FACEBOOK. 296 00:13:15,926 --> 00:13:16,966 I DID A LITTLE MORE RECON. 297 00:13:16,967 --> 00:13:18,227 THIS IS WHAT WE'RE UP AGAINST. 298 00:13:18,228 --> 00:13:20,499 THAT'S THE GARAGE. THAT'S THE WINDOWS. 299 00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:21,831 - WHAT'S THAT? - WHAT'S WHAT? 300 00:13:21,832 --> 00:13:24,403 THAT RIGHT THERE! THAT'S AN ALARM SIGN! 301 00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:26,876 HOW COULD YOU MISS IT?! IT'S BRIGHT RED AND SAYS "ALARM." 302 00:13:26,877 --> 00:13:28,078 ACTUALLY IT SAYS "LARM." 303 00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:32,341 OH, MAYBE THEY WERE TRYING TO KEEP OUT THE "URGLARS." 304 00:13:32,342 --> 00:13:35,184 WELL, I... THE BUSH IS BLOCKING THE SIGN! 305 00:13:35,185 --> 00:13:37,847 IF WE DON'T GO RIGHT NOW, WE'RE GONNA MISS OUR OPPORTUNITY. 306 00:13:37,848 --> 00:13:40,819 HOW ARE WE GOING TO DISABLE AN ALARM WITHOUT ANY PROFESSIONAL KNOW-HOW? 307 00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:42,421 ...THAT'S WHAT PRISON IS MOSTLY, 308 00:13:42,422 --> 00:13:44,323 A BUNCH OF CRIMINALS TEACHING EACH OTHER 309 00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:46,225 HOW TO DO A BETTER JOB OF STEALING STUFF. 310 00:13:46,226 --> 00:13:48,557 GO ON. 311 00:13:48,558 --> 00:13:50,329 NAH, THAT'S BORING, YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT. 312 00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:52,301 SURE WE DO. NO, IT'S VERY INTERESTING, 313 00:13:52,302 --> 00:13:55,564 SOCIOLOGICALLY SPEAKING. YOU KNOW, WHY PEOPLE DO THE THINGS THEY DO? 314 00:13:55,565 --> 00:13:56,936 YEAH, OR HOW THEY DO THEM... 315 00:13:56,937 --> 00:13:59,368 LIKE SPECIFICALLY RESIDENTIAL JOBS. 316 00:13:59,369 --> 00:14:02,571 SAY, WITH... I DON'T KNOW, ALARMS. 317 00:14:02,572 --> 00:14:04,473 - WHERE IS THIS GOING? - HE'S OUR GUEST. 318 00:14:04,474 --> 00:14:06,845 IT'S POLITE TO ASK GUESTS ABOUT THEIR INTERESTS. 319 00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:08,117 THE FACT IS I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF 320 00:14:08,118 --> 00:14:09,448 FIRSTHAND KNOWLEDGE OF THIS STUFF. 321 00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:11,280 MY BUDDY JUST TOLD ME TO SIT AND WAIT IN THE CAR 322 00:14:11,281 --> 00:14:12,621 WHILE HE GOT SOME MONEY. 323 00:14:12,622 --> 00:14:14,223 I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS SOMEONE ELSE'S MONEY. 324 00:14:14,224 --> 00:14:16,385 WHAT ABOUT YOUR CELLMATE? DID HE EVER DISABLE AN ALARM? 325 00:14:16,386 --> 00:14:17,957 OH YEAH YEAH, 326 00:14:17,958 --> 00:14:19,088 HE TALKED ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME. 327 00:14:19,089 --> 00:14:21,160 - HE WAS QUITE THE BURGLAR. - ( laughs ) 328 00:14:21,161 --> 00:14:23,562 - SO HOW DID HE DO IT? - OH, I DON'T KNOW. 329 00:14:23,563 --> 00:14:26,395 MOST OF THE TIME I'D JUST TUNE HIM OUT AND STUDY MY BIBLE. 330 00:14:26,396 --> 00:14:28,998 THIS GUY'S USELESS. 331 00:14:28,999 --> 00:14:31,040 YEP. OKAY, ACTUALLY, LOOK AT THE TIME. 332 00:14:31,041 --> 00:14:32,641 I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. 333 00:14:32,642 --> 00:14:35,544 IT'S TIME TO TRIM THE... ROSEMARY. 334 00:14:35,545 --> 00:14:38,647 WAIT, I'LL GO WITH YOU. 'CAUSE ROSEMARY REALLY IS A TWO-PERSON JOB. 335 00:14:38,648 --> 00:14:41,251 LIKE SALAD. 336 00:14:43,053 --> 00:14:45,915 GREENS SEEM VERY IMPORTANT TO THEM. 337 00:14:45,916 --> 00:14:48,018 I'M JUST TRYING TO GET THROUGH MY TIME HERE, MAN. 338 00:14:49,059 --> 00:14:50,659 YOU'RE NOT IN PRISON! 339 00:14:50,660 --> 00:14:52,422 WE HAVE PUDDING POPS HERE! 340 00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:57,266 HOW DO YOU SPEND SIX MONTHS IN PRISON AND NOT LEARN HOW TO DISABLING AN ALARM?! 341 00:14:57,267 --> 00:14:58,667 I DON'T KNOW. THE GUY'S NOT A GOOD STUDENT. 342 00:14:58,668 --> 00:15:01,000 CLEARLY HE WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION, YOU KNOW? 343 00:15:01,001 --> 00:15:02,601 PRISON IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT. 344 00:15:02,602 --> 00:15:04,974 ( sighs ) ALL RIGHT, SO WE'RE REALLY GOING TO DO THIS? 345 00:15:04,975 --> 00:15:06,936 WHAT ABOUT THE ALARM? WHAT IF WE GET CAUGHT? 346 00:15:06,937 --> 00:15:09,979 NO, WE'RE NOT GOING TO GET CAUGHT, BECAUSE WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE DOING THIS. 347 00:15:09,980 --> 00:15:11,941 - I AM. - BUT WE'RE A TEAM. 348 00:15:11,942 --> 00:15:13,542 NO, MEL, LOOK, YOU NEED TO STAY HERE. 349 00:15:13,543 --> 00:15:16,915 WE CAN'T LEAVE THE KIDS ALONE WITH "SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION." 350 00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:19,048 DEVIN, THE BIBLE STUDY KID? 351 00:15:19,049 --> 00:15:20,689 WHAT, ARE YOU AFRAID HE'S GOING TO BAPTIZE SOMEBODY? 352 00:15:20,690 --> 00:15:23,522 NO NO, LOOK, IT'S MORE THAN THAT. 353 00:15:23,523 --> 00:15:25,624 I MEAN, IF YOU GET CAUGHT, YOUR CAREER IS OVER. 354 00:15:25,625 --> 00:15:29,528 ME... I'M WORKING HERE. I'M ALREADY PAYING FOR A CRIME I DIDN'T COMMIT. 355 00:15:29,529 --> 00:15:33,532 AND IF I HAVE TO, I CAN DO IT AGAIN. 356 00:15:33,533 --> 00:15:34,664 - JOE... - MEL, SHH SHH. 357 00:15:36,606 --> 00:15:39,069 LOOK, IF I DON'T COME BACK, JUST PROMISE ME ONE THING. 358 00:15:40,410 --> 00:15:42,341 ANYTHING. 359 00:15:42,342 --> 00:15:45,475 WHEN THAT KITCHEN TIMER BEEPS, YOU TAKE THE CHICKEN OUT, OKAY? 360 00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:48,617 BUT YOU MAKE SURE THE JUICES RUN CLEAR 361 00:15:48,618 --> 00:15:51,480 BECAUSE NO ONE WILL GET FOOD POISONING 362 00:15:51,481 --> 00:15:53,653 FROM A JOE LONGO CHICKEN. 363 00:16:02,993 --> 00:16:05,564 ...GOING TO PRISON FOR A CRIME I DIDN'T COMMIT WAS ROUGH. 364 00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:06,965 BUT THE WORST PART WAS KNOWING THAT 365 00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:08,567 MY BEST FRIEND BETRAYED ME. 366 00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:12,041 HE DID THE CRIME, BUT I DID THE TIME. 367 00:16:12,042 --> 00:16:13,443 Mel: I'M SORRY, OKAY?! 368 00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:17,046 I MEAN, I'M SORRY THAT YOU HAD TO GO THROUGH THAT... 369 00:16:17,047 --> 00:16:20,049 DEVIN. YOU KNOW, 370 00:16:20,050 --> 00:16:22,181 I GOTTA TO GO DO A THING. 371 00:16:22,182 --> 00:16:24,413 AT A PLACE WITH A GUY. 372 00:16:24,414 --> 00:16:26,086 AHHH, OH OW! 373 00:16:28,088 --> 00:16:30,589 ( clicks ) 374 00:16:30,590 --> 00:16:32,721 WAIT, STOP! THE BREAK-IN'S OFF, OKAY? 375 00:16:32,722 --> 00:16:34,723 I CAN'T LET YOU GO UP THE RIVER... OR DOWN THE RIVER 376 00:16:34,724 --> 00:16:36,395 OR WHICHEVER WAY THE RIVER GOES. 377 00:16:36,396 --> 00:16:38,527 - WHAT?! - SO THE TAPE GETS OUT THERE. 378 00:16:38,528 --> 00:16:40,499 MY CAREER TAKES A HIT. I GO TO BEAUTY SCHOOL. 379 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:43,001 I SPEND THE REST OF MY DAYS SWEEPING UP LITTLE OLD LADIES' HAIR. 380 00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:45,504 IT'S NOT A BAD LIFE. BUT I CAN'T LET YOU GO TO JAIL FOR ME. 381 00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:47,406 SO JUST FORGET THE WHOLE THING. FORGET IT. 382 00:16:47,407 --> 00:16:49,778 BUT I'M HERE 383 00:16:49,779 --> 00:16:51,740 AND I'M PUMPED 384 00:16:51,741 --> 00:16:55,013 AND THE WINDOW'S OPEN. 385 00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:57,486 - GET IN THERE! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? - OKAY, HOLD ON. 386 00:16:57,487 --> 00:16:58,747 I GOT IT, I GOT IT. I'M GONNA GO FIRST. 387 00:16:58,748 --> 00:17:00,350 - OKAY, ALL RIGHT. - LET ME GO FIRST. 388 00:17:01,691 --> 00:17:03,352 - HELP ME! - WE'RE GOOD. COME ON IN HERE. 389 00:17:03,353 --> 00:17:05,054 - MY JEANS ARE TIGHT. - I GOT YOU, THAT'S GOOD. 390 00:17:05,055 --> 00:17:06,495 WATCH WHAT YOU'RE GRABBING, LONGO. 391 00:17:06,496 --> 00:17:08,297 IF ONLY YOU'D SAID THAT TO YOUR OWN BOYFRIEND, 392 00:17:08,298 --> 00:17:10,230 - MAYBE WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO BE BREAKING IN HERE RIGHT NOW. - ALL RIGHT. 393 00:17:12,762 --> 00:17:15,033 HEY, LOOK AT THIS! 394 00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:16,705 IT'S AN OLD VINTAGE MS. PAC-MAN. 395 00:17:16,706 --> 00:17:19,108 OH, THIS WAS MY FIRST TRUE LOVE. 396 00:17:19,109 --> 00:17:22,311 SHE WAS ALWAYS HUNGRY AND READY FOR MORE. 397 00:17:22,312 --> 00:17:25,374 MMM, SET UP SORT OF AN UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION, HUH? 398 00:17:25,375 --> 00:17:27,816 ( sighs ) YEAH. 399 00:17:27,817 --> 00:17:29,378 ( jangles, bells ringing ) 400 00:17:29,379 --> 00:17:30,819 IT'S MAKING NOISE, IT'S MAKING NOISE! 401 00:17:30,820 --> 00:17:32,352 SO ARE YOU! A LOT OF NOISE. 402 00:17:34,154 --> 00:17:36,525 OH, THAT WAS GOOD THINKING, YOU KNOW, WITH THE PLUG. 403 00:17:36,526 --> 00:17:38,227 THANK YOU, YEAH. 404 00:17:38,228 --> 00:17:40,259 LOOK, YOU TAKE THAT SIDE. I'M GONNA TAKE THIS SIDE. 405 00:17:40,260 --> 00:17:41,490 GO FIND YOUR NIGHTSTAND. HEY! 406 00:17:41,491 --> 00:17:43,733 - BE AS QUIET AS YOU CAN BE. - OKAY. 407 00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,137 - ( shouts ) OH, MY NIGHTSTAND! - BURKE! 408 00:17:48,138 --> 00:17:49,469 ( whispers ) I MEAN, MY NIGHTSTAND! 409 00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:52,671 OH YES, MY TAPE IS HERE! 410 00:17:52,672 --> 00:17:55,244 AH, WE ARE GOOD. WE ARE ROBBING GENIUSES! 411 00:17:55,245 --> 00:17:56,745 - SHH. - ( car approaching ) 412 00:17:56,746 --> 00:17:58,407 HE'S BACK! HIDE HIDE! 413 00:17:58,408 --> 00:18:00,180 - WHAT? - IN THERE, IN THERE, IN THERE! 414 00:18:03,813 --> 00:18:05,254 WHY IS HE HOME SO EARLY? 415 00:18:05,255 --> 00:18:06,656 I DON'T KNOW. I'LL GO ASK HIM. 416 00:18:08,418 --> 00:18:10,719 OKAY OKAY, LOOK, WE JUST NEED A PLAUSIBLE STORY 417 00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:12,861 TO EXPLAIN WHY WE'RE IN HERE. OOOH... SAY YOU KIDNAPPED ME! 418 00:18:12,862 --> 00:18:14,623 WHAT? WHY WOULD I DO THAT? 419 00:18:14,624 --> 00:18:16,766 FOR RANSOM! I'M A BLONDE, I'D BE ALL OVER THE NEWS. 420 00:18:17,867 --> 00:18:19,668 WAIT A MINUTE... I WORK FOR YOU FOR THREE YEARS, 421 00:18:19,669 --> 00:18:21,730 I DO YOUR LAUNDRY, COOK YOUR MEALS AND I JUST DECIDE TO KIDNAP YOU? 422 00:18:21,731 --> 00:18:24,573 - WHY DIDN'T I JUST KIDNAP YOU ON DAY ONE? - YOU SNAPPED, OKAY? 423 00:18:24,574 --> 00:18:27,177 THERE'S ALL KINDS OF HOLES IN THAT STORY. I DON'T LIKE THAT STORY. 424 00:18:29,679 --> 00:18:31,480 YOU KNOW, JOE, IF I HAD TO BE 425 00:18:31,481 --> 00:18:33,242 CAUGHT IN A BOTCHED BREAK-IN 426 00:18:33,243 --> 00:18:35,614 TO RECOVER A SEX TAPE WITH ANYONE, 427 00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:37,787 I'M GLAD IT'S WITH YOU. 428 00:18:38,718 --> 00:18:40,689 THAT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU HEAR EVERY DAY, 429 00:18:40,690 --> 00:18:42,691 BUT RIGHT BACK AT YOU, BURKE. 430 00:18:42,692 --> 00:18:44,524 ( beeps ) 431 00:18:45,725 --> 00:18:47,456 HE'S GONE. 432 00:18:47,457 --> 00:18:49,828 YOU KNOW, LONGO, ALL THAT STUFF I JUST SAID? THAT WAS JUST... 433 00:18:49,829 --> 00:18:51,700 THAT WAS JUST THE CRIME TALKING. 434 00:18:51,701 --> 00:18:53,503 UNDERSTOOD. 435 00:18:54,664 --> 00:18:56,505 - WHY AREN'T YOU GOING? - I'M JUST THINKING. 436 00:18:56,506 --> 00:18:58,907 THAT MS. PAC-MAN WOULD LOOK AWFULLY GOOD NEXT TO MY WORKOUT BENCH. 437 00:18:58,908 --> 00:19:01,470 - OKAY, WOULD YOU JUST GO? - ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING. 438 00:19:01,471 --> 00:19:03,642 - SHHH. - DON'T... DON'T YOU SHUSH ME! 439 00:19:03,643 --> 00:19:04,744 - SHH. SHH! - LET'S GO. 440 00:19:07,317 --> 00:19:10,479 - WE DID IT, WE DID IT! - ALL RIGHT, DON'T GET COCKY UNTIL WE GET INSIDE. 441 00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:11,880 OH, I CAN GET AS COCKY AS I WANT 442 00:19:11,881 --> 00:19:14,554 ♪ 'CAUSE I COMMITTED A FELONY AND DIDN'T GET CAUGHT! ♪ 443 00:19:16,926 --> 00:19:21,390 ...SAID GEORGE CLOONEY IN WHAT MOVIE? 444 00:19:21,391 --> 00:19:22,731 WHERE HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN? 445 00:19:22,732 --> 00:19:24,863 HEY, THAT'S THE VIDEOTAPE YOU SOLD TO ANDREW. 446 00:19:24,864 --> 00:19:26,665 - NO, IT'S NOT. - YEAH, IT IS. 447 00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:29,839 "2002 WORLD SERIES." HOW'D YOU GET IT OUT OF HIS GARAGE? 448 00:19:32,572 --> 00:19:34,703 THEY JUST WENT ACROSS THE STREET AND STOLE IT! 449 00:19:34,704 --> 00:19:36,245 STOLE IT?! 450 00:19:36,246 --> 00:19:39,177 OH MAN, WHY DO I KEEP RUNNING WITH THE WRONG CROWD? 451 00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:40,810 I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE. 452 00:19:43,613 --> 00:19:46,655 IF YOU EVER NEED SOMEPLACE SAFE TO CRASH, 453 00:19:46,656 --> 00:19:48,758 I CAN HELP YOU. 454 00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:52,761 HOW COULD YOU TRY TO INVOLVE DEVIN IN A CRIME? 455 00:19:52,762 --> 00:19:54,623 WELL, ACTUALLY WE DIDN'T INVOLVE HIM. 456 00:19:54,624 --> 00:19:56,365 WE JUST ASKED HIM A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS. 457 00:19:56,366 --> 00:19:59,228 - YEAH, AT MOST HE WAS A CRIMINAL CONSULTANT. - YEAH. 458 00:19:59,229 --> 00:20:01,700 YOU'RE BOTH TERRIBLE! TO DO ALL OF THIS FOR A TAPE? 459 00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:03,933 WHAT KIND OF TAPE COULD POSSIBLY BE WORTH THIS? 460 00:20:05,635 --> 00:20:08,838 OH, A SEX TAPE?! THAT'S GROSS! 461 00:20:10,410 --> 00:20:12,242 YOU DON'T REALLY LOVE BASEBALL? 462 00:20:13,683 --> 00:20:17,346 YOU KNOW, BASEBALL IS NOT AMERICA'S ONLY PASTIME. 463 00:20:17,347 --> 00:20:19,318 UGH, C'MON, RYDER. 464 00:20:19,319 --> 00:20:21,690 YOU DON'T NEED TO BE AROUND THESE BAD INFLUENCES EITHER. 465 00:20:21,691 --> 00:20:23,823 HEY, IT WAS A LOVE TAPE! 466 00:20:25,825 --> 00:20:28,257 THANK YOU, JOE, FOR SAVING MY ASS. 467 00:20:28,258 --> 00:20:31,761 IN SO MANY WAYS, FROM SO MANY ANGLES. 468 00:20:33,002 --> 00:20:35,635 EXACTLY HOW MANY CAMERAS DID YOU USE ON THIS THING? 469 00:20:42,342 --> 00:20:43,772 TO YOU, JOE. YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND. 470 00:20:43,773 --> 00:20:46,475 YOU RISKED YOUR REPUTATION... OR WHATEVER'S LEFT OF IT... 471 00:20:46,476 --> 00:20:48,817 - TO SAVE ME. - IT WASN'T A BIG DEAL. 472 00:20:48,818 --> 00:20:52,352 IT'S LIKE I ALWAYS SAY: FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS' SEX TAPES GO VIRAL. 473 00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:55,854 I HOPE YOU'RE GOING TO DESTROY THAT THING. 474 00:20:55,855 --> 00:20:57,856 MMM, NO, I'M GOING TO KEEP IT. 475 00:20:57,857 --> 00:20:59,528 ARE YOU KIDDING? THIS IS A PART OF MY PAST. 476 00:20:59,529 --> 00:21:01,029 IT'S WHO I AM. 477 00:21:01,030 --> 00:21:03,462 AND IF MEMORY SERVES, I LOOK PRETTY DAMN GOOD IN IT. 478 00:21:03,463 --> 00:21:05,834 IN FACT, I WAS THINKING ABOUT THROWING MYSELF 479 00:21:05,835 --> 00:21:08,467 A SOLO VIEWING PARTY LATER. 480 00:21:08,468 --> 00:21:11,371 YEAH, ALL RIGHT, I GUESS I CAN SEE WHY YOU'D WANT TO KEEP IT. 481 00:21:16,546 --> 00:21:18,408 YOU'RE WELCOME. 482 00:21:20,310 --> 00:21:21,710 MY TAPE! 483 00:21:21,711 --> 00:21:23,052 YEAH, YOU'LL THANK ME WHEN YOU'RE PRESIDENT.