1 00:00:07,758 --> 00:00:09,549 "MELISSA AND JOEY" IS RECORDED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE. 2 00:00:09,550 --> 00:00:13,133 I MOVED OUT, BUT MY KEY STILL WORKS. 3 00:00:13,134 --> 00:00:16,346 YEAH, I'D BETTER CHANGE THE LOCKS TO KEEP THE RIFFRAFF OUT. 4 00:00:16,347 --> 00:00:17,978 YOU KNOW YOU LOVE THE RIFFRAFF, COME HERE. 5 00:00:20,101 --> 00:00:21,941 MM, YOUR LIPS STILL WORK TOO. 6 00:00:21,942 --> 00:00:23,733 WOW, LOOK AT YOU. 7 00:00:23,734 --> 00:00:25,235 ALL DRESSED UP FOR A DATE WITH LITTLE OLD ME? 8 00:00:25,236 --> 00:00:27,317 WELL, YEAH, I WENT FULL-ON GODDESS FOR YOU. 9 00:00:27,318 --> 00:00:28,528 AND YOU SURE CLEAN UP NICE. 10 00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:30,910 NOBODY WOULD GUESS THAT YOU SPENT THE DAY 11 00:00:30,911 --> 00:00:32,452 CHANGING DIAPERS AND PLAYING PEEK-A-BOO 12 00:00:32,453 --> 00:00:34,494 WITH A PACK OF WILD TODDLERS. 13 00:00:34,495 --> 00:00:36,246 MEL, ACROSS THE STREET IN THE BUCHWALD HOUSE, 14 00:00:36,247 --> 00:00:38,037 WE LIKE REFER TO THE CHILDREN AS "HIGH-SPIRITED" 15 00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:41,251 OR, UM, "UNDER MEDICATED." 16 00:00:41,252 --> 00:00:43,544 ENOUGH SHOP TALK. RIGHT HERE. 17 00:00:46,127 --> 00:00:48,338 SO, WAIT A MINUTE... UM, JUST SO I'M CLEAR, 18 00:00:48,339 --> 00:00:50,009 YOU STILL WANT TO TAKE THINGS SLOW, RIGHT? 19 00:00:50,010 --> 00:00:51,841 BECAUSE I GOT TO TELL YOU, 20 00:00:51,842 --> 00:00:55,054 A PART OF ME IS REALLY STARTING TO SPEED UP RIGHT NOW. 21 00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:57,056 YEAH, SORRY, SORRY. 22 00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:58,348 SEX IS STILL OFF THE TABLE. 23 00:00:58,349 --> 00:01:00,850 DAMN IT. I LOVE SEX ON THE TABLE. 24 00:01:00,851 --> 00:01:02,232 OR ANYWHERE REALLY. 25 00:01:02,233 --> 00:01:04,524 MM, WELL, GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT. 26 00:01:04,525 --> 00:01:06,236 AND IN YOUR CASE, FANTASTIC THINGS. 27 00:01:06,237 --> 00:01:07,357 LET ME GIVE YOU A PREVIEW. 28 00:01:07,358 --> 00:01:09,029 PREVIEW? OKAY. HMM. 29 00:01:10,781 --> 00:01:14,655 ( "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" plays ) 30 00:01:15,996 --> 00:01:17,247 YEAH. 31 00:01:17,248 --> 00:01:18,289 IT'S THE NANNY PHONE. 32 00:01:21,001 --> 00:01:22,122 HELLO, MRS. BUCHWALD. 33 00:01:22,123 --> 00:01:24,003 YES. 34 00:01:24,004 --> 00:01:26,005 UH.... 35 00:01:26,006 --> 00:01:28,128 SURE, I WILL BE RIGHT OVER. 36 00:01:28,129 --> 00:01:29,299 OKAY, BYE-BYE. 37 00:01:29,300 --> 00:01:30,800 WHAT? I THOUGHT THIS WAS YOUR NIGHT OFF. 38 00:01:30,801 --> 00:01:31,921 I KNOW. WHAT AM I GONNA DO? 39 00:01:31,922 --> 00:01:33,423 SHE SAID SHE NEEDS ME OVER THERE STAT. 40 00:01:33,424 --> 00:01:35,925 WELL, I NEED YOU STAT-ER. 41 00:01:35,926 --> 00:01:37,217 I'LL TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER TOMORROW NIGHT. 42 00:01:37,218 --> 00:01:38,638 OKAY? TOMORROW NIGHT. I PROMISE YOU. 43 00:01:38,639 --> 00:01:40,141 BUT RIGHT NOW, YOU KNOW, DUTY CALLS. 44 00:01:41,562 --> 00:01:43,983 LITERALLY. ( chuckles ) 45 00:01:43,984 --> 00:01:46,186 THAT'S FUNNY. DUTY CALLS. 46 00:01:46,187 --> 00:01:48,778 FINE, I UNDERSTAND. GO OFF TO THE BABY. 47 00:01:48,779 --> 00:01:50,571 EVEN THOUGH HE DIDN'T SHAVE HIS LEGS FOR YOU. 48 00:01:53,694 --> 00:01:54,824 ( theme music plays ) 49 00:01:54,825 --> 00:01:56,826 - ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD ♪ - ♪ All good ♪ 50 00:01:56,827 --> 00:01:58,618 - ♪ IT'S OKAY ♪ - ♪ Okay ♪ 51 00:01:58,619 --> 00:02:00,119 - ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪ - ♪ All right ♪ 52 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,911 ♪ AS FAR AS I CAN SEE ♪ 53 00:02:01,912 --> 00:02:03,703 - ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD ♪ - ♪ All good ♪ 54 00:02:03,704 --> 00:02:06,005 - ♪ IT'S OKAY ♪ - ♪ Okay ♪ 55 00:02:06,006 --> 00:02:07,377 - ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪ - ♪ All right ♪ 56 00:02:07,378 --> 00:02:10,170 ♪ I GUESS YOU'RE STUCK ♪ 57 00:02:10,171 --> 00:02:13,174 ♪ WITH ME ♪ 58 00:02:16,307 --> 00:02:17,927 SO WHAT'S FOR DINNER? 59 00:02:17,928 --> 00:02:19,469 HERE YOU GO. 60 00:02:19,470 --> 00:02:20,470 OKAY, THAT IS A BOWL OF WHIPPED CREAM. 61 00:02:20,471 --> 00:02:21,642 THAT IS NOT A MEAL. 62 00:02:24,895 --> 00:02:26,186 NOW IT IS. 63 00:02:26,187 --> 00:02:28,608 YOU REALLY EXPECT ME TO EAT THIS? 64 00:02:28,609 --> 00:02:30,860 OH, MAN, THAT'S GOOD. 65 00:02:30,861 --> 00:02:32,942 TOLD YOU. I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. 66 00:02:32,943 --> 00:02:34,944 WAIT, I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING OUT TO DINNER WITH JOE. 67 00:02:34,945 --> 00:02:36,866 JOE HAD TO WORK TONIGHT. HE'S ALWAYS ON CALL. 68 00:02:36,867 --> 00:02:38,037 BUT I'M OKAY WITH THAT. 69 00:02:38,038 --> 00:02:40,119 YOU KNOW, DATING A MANNY IS LIKE DATING A DOCTOR... 70 00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:43,953 EXCEPT WITHOUT THE INCOME, STATUS, OR ACCESS TO DRUGS. 71 00:02:43,954 --> 00:02:45,375 OKAY. 72 00:02:45,376 --> 00:02:47,247 DIG IN. 73 00:02:47,248 --> 00:02:50,590 I'M NOT EATING THAT. I MISS JOE. 74 00:02:50,591 --> 00:02:52,882 I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN WITH WHAT'S LEFT IN THE PANTRY. 75 00:02:52,883 --> 00:02:54,595 DIG TO THE BOTTOM. THERE'S SOME REFRIED BEANS IN THERE. 76 00:02:55,846 --> 00:02:57,967 OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS HOUSE IS FALLING APART 77 00:02:57,968 --> 00:02:59,969 SINCE JOE MOVED OUT. LOOK AT THIS MESS. 78 00:02:59,970 --> 00:03:01,140 WE EACH NEED TO TAKE ON 79 00:03:01,141 --> 00:03:02,972 AT LEAST ONE MORE OF JOE'S FORMER DUTIES. 80 00:03:02,973 --> 00:03:04,724 RYDER, YOUR NEW JOB IS GOING TO THE MARKET. 81 00:03:04,725 --> 00:03:06,356 NO, I'M ALREADY COOKING, OKAY. 82 00:03:06,357 --> 00:03:07,857 AND BESIDES, IN TWO DAYS, SCHOOL STARTS 83 00:03:07,858 --> 00:03:09,689 AND I GOT TO FIGURE OUT MY ENTIRE NEW LOOK. 84 00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:11,311 EVERYBODY KNOWS THE FIRST DAY 85 00:03:11,312 --> 00:03:12,772 SETS THE TONE FOR THE ENTIRE YEAR. 86 00:03:12,773 --> 00:03:14,734 YOUR FIRST DAY ON THIS PLANET SET THE TONE FOR YOU 87 00:03:14,735 --> 00:03:17,907 AND IT WASN'T A GOOD ONE. 88 00:03:17,908 --> 00:03:19,659 RYDER, I BELIEVE IN YOU. 89 00:03:19,660 --> 00:03:20,950 I KNOW YOU CAN GO TO THE MARKET 90 00:03:20,951 --> 00:03:23,162 AND DRESS YOURSELF. 91 00:03:23,163 --> 00:03:25,164 YEAH, I'M NOT SO SURE HE CAN DO EITHER. 92 00:03:25,165 --> 00:03:26,286 AND YOU'RE IN CHARGE OF LAUNDRY. 93 00:03:26,287 --> 00:03:27,707 - WHAT? - OH, HAVE FUN 94 00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:29,789 SCRUBBING MY BOXERS. 95 00:03:29,790 --> 00:03:32,041 NO NO NO NO NO. SEE, I'VE ALREADY TAKEN ON 96 00:03:32,042 --> 00:03:33,253 ONE OF JOE'S OLD JOBS. 97 00:03:33,254 --> 00:03:35,094 - WHICH ONE? - SNARKY COMMENTS. 98 00:03:35,095 --> 00:03:36,926 OH, WELL, THAT'LL HELP US SURVIVE. 99 00:03:36,927 --> 00:03:38,758 OH, WHAT DO YOU KNOW? 100 00:03:38,759 --> 00:03:40,430 I'VE ALREADY GOT SNARKY COMMENTS COVERED. 101 00:03:40,431 --> 00:03:41,511 YOU'RE DOING LAUNDRY. 102 00:03:41,512 --> 00:03:42,682 SO, UM... 103 00:03:42,683 --> 00:03:43,933 WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, AUNT MEL? 104 00:03:43,934 --> 00:03:45,895 SUPERVISE, OBVIOUSLY. 105 00:03:45,896 --> 00:03:48,017 SO BASICALLY, SIT AROUND ON YOUR ASS. 106 00:03:48,018 --> 00:03:50,149 I THOUGHT I MADE IT CLEAR. 107 00:03:50,150 --> 00:03:52,943 I'M SNARKY COMMENTS. 108 00:03:55,906 --> 00:03:57,026 ( TV chatter ) 109 00:03:57,027 --> 00:03:58,658 LENNOX, YOU'RE BURNING MY BLOUSE! 110 00:03:58,659 --> 00:03:59,659 WHAT? 111 00:03:59,660 --> 00:04:01,571 HEY. 112 00:04:01,572 --> 00:04:03,743 THIS ISN'T EVEN HOT. 113 00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:05,915 YOU KNOW, IT WOULD PROBABLY WORK BETTER 114 00:04:05,916 --> 00:04:08,037 IF YOU PLUGGED IT IN. 115 00:04:08,038 --> 00:04:10,540 DARN, YOU KNOW, I JUST... I DON'T DESERVE 116 00:04:10,541 --> 00:04:12,081 TO BE ON LAUNDRY. 117 00:04:12,082 --> 00:04:13,713 YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT TOO LATE 118 00:04:13,714 --> 00:04:15,545 TO PUT ME BACK ON SNARKY COMMENTS. 119 00:04:15,546 --> 00:04:17,877 YOU GUYS ARE NOT GONNA BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED. 120 00:04:17,878 --> 00:04:19,839 UH, WHERE ARE THE GROCERIES? 121 00:04:19,840 --> 00:04:22,011 ALL OVER THE FLOOR OF AISLE SIX OF ZIPPY MART. 122 00:04:22,012 --> 00:04:23,222 WOW, YOU'RE BOTH DOING A HELL OF A JOB 123 00:04:23,223 --> 00:04:24,434 HANDLING JOE'S OLD DUTIES. 124 00:04:24,435 --> 00:04:26,516 LOOK, I WAS PAYING FOR GROCERIES 125 00:04:26,517 --> 00:04:27,847 WHEN A GUY PULLED OUT A GUN. 126 00:04:27,848 --> 00:04:30,019 - WAIT, WHAT? - WELL, TURNS OUT IT WAS A TOY GUN. 127 00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:31,481 NOBODY KNEW THAT AT THE TIME. 128 00:04:31,482 --> 00:04:33,022 STILL, THAT'S SO SCARY. 129 00:04:33,023 --> 00:04:36,816 HEY, I HAD TO USE AN IRON THAT COULD GET VERY HOT. 130 00:04:36,817 --> 00:04:38,359 IF YOU TURNED IT ON. 131 00:04:39,700 --> 00:04:41,240 - SO WHAT HAPPENED? - THE CLERK CHASED THE GUY 132 00:04:41,241 --> 00:04:43,613 OUT OF THE STORE WITH A BASEBALL BAT, RIGHT? AND HE GOT ARRESTED. 133 00:04:43,614 --> 00:04:45,745 AND THE BEST PART, AFTERWARDS, 134 00:04:45,746 --> 00:04:47,367 NEWS 19 INTERVIEWED ME. 135 00:04:47,368 --> 00:04:49,208 OKAY, I'M GONNA BE ON TV TONIGHT. 136 00:04:49,209 --> 00:04:51,671 WOW, CONGRATULATIONS. HEY, RECORD IT FOR ME, OKAY? 137 00:04:51,672 --> 00:04:53,583 I CAN'T BE LATE FOR MY BEAU. 138 00:04:53,584 --> 00:04:54,674 MY GIRLS ARE RIDING HIGH 139 00:04:54,675 --> 00:04:56,876 AND I DON'T WANT TO LET THEM DOWN. 140 00:04:56,877 --> 00:04:59,008 GIDDYUP, Y'ALL. 141 00:04:59,009 --> 00:05:00,760 SO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS, RIGHT? 142 00:05:00,761 --> 00:05:04,344 MY FIRST DAY BACK AT SCHOOL ISN'T GONNA BE A GIANT FESTIVAL OF SUCK. 143 00:05:04,345 --> 00:05:07,977 I SURVIVED A ROBBERY. I COME IN WITH A GREAT STORY. 144 00:05:07,978 --> 00:05:09,639 YEAH, YOU HAPPENED TO BE AT A STORE 145 00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:11,521 WHEN IT GOT ROBBED AND YOU DID NOTHING. 146 00:05:11,522 --> 00:05:13,483 BOY, THAT IS A GREAT STORY. 147 00:05:13,484 --> 00:05:16,315 TOO BAD WE CAN'T EAT IT FOR DINNER. 148 00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:18,609 WHAT IS DINNER WHEN YOU'VE GOT FAME? 149 00:05:21,992 --> 00:05:24,654 AND I'LL HAVE THE PORCINI RISOTTO. 150 00:05:24,655 --> 00:05:26,075 VERY GOOD, MA'AM. 151 00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:27,867 OH, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. IT SAYS HERE, 152 00:05:27,868 --> 00:05:29,038 "ALLOW EXTRA TIME FOR THE RISOTTO." 153 00:05:29,039 --> 00:05:30,289 HOW MUCH TIME ARE WE TALKING ABOUT? 154 00:05:30,290 --> 00:05:33,953 - 35 TO 40 MINUTES. - OOH, 35... 155 00:05:33,954 --> 00:05:35,875 WE BOTH EAT FAST. THAT SHOULD BE FINE. 156 00:05:35,876 --> 00:05:38,508 I GOT TO BE BACK AT WORK AT 10:00. 157 00:05:38,509 --> 00:05:41,050 YOU HAVE TO BACK AT WHERE AT WHEN? 158 00:05:41,051 --> 00:05:42,632 AT WORK AT 10:00. 159 00:05:42,633 --> 00:05:43,963 YEAH, I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME. 160 00:05:43,964 --> 00:05:44,925 I WAS JUST GIVING YOU A CHANCE 161 00:05:44,926 --> 00:05:46,846 TO MAYBE CHANGE YOUR ANSWER. 162 00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:48,678 JOE, I THOUGHT THIS WAS OUR NIGHT TOGETHER. 163 00:05:48,679 --> 00:05:50,309 WE'RE TOGETHER. LET'S ENJOY IT. 164 00:05:50,310 --> 00:05:51,891 YOU LOOK AMAZING. 165 00:05:51,892 --> 00:05:53,563 I KNOW, I KNOW, BUT SERIOUSLY, 166 00:05:53,564 --> 00:05:54,814 YOU HAVE TO GO BACK TO WORK 167 00:05:54,815 --> 00:05:55,935 IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR DATE? 168 00:05:55,936 --> 00:05:57,527 WELL, IF YOU WANT TO GET TECHNICAL ABOUT IT, 169 00:05:57,528 --> 00:05:59,739 IT WOULD BE AT THE END OF OUR DATE. 170 00:05:59,740 --> 00:06:02,982 BUT WHAT IF WE WANTED TO DO SOMETHING ELSE AFTER DINNER? 171 00:06:02,983 --> 00:06:04,574 UH, YOU MADE IT PRETTY CLEAR WE'RE NOT GONNA BE DOING 172 00:06:04,575 --> 00:06:05,695 SOMETHING ELSE AFTER DINNER. 173 00:06:05,696 --> 00:06:07,487 WELL, WE COULD DO SOMETHING ELSE 174 00:06:07,488 --> 00:06:10,450 BESIDES "SOMETHING ELSE." 175 00:06:10,451 --> 00:06:12,081 OKAY, JUST SO I UNDERSTAND, 176 00:06:12,082 --> 00:06:16,375 ARE WE GONNA BE HAVING SEX IN ANY FORM TONIGHT? 177 00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:18,709 WE'LL NEVER KNOW NOW, WILL WE? 178 00:06:26,346 --> 00:06:30,059 OKAY, I SENT OUT A MASS EMAIL, TEXT. 179 00:06:30,060 --> 00:06:31,180 I PUT IT ON TWITTER, FACEBOOK. 180 00:06:31,181 --> 00:06:32,772 EVERYONE I KNOW IS GOING TO BE TUNING 181 00:06:32,773 --> 00:06:34,013 IN TO CHANNEL 19 TONIGHT. 182 00:06:34,014 --> 00:06:35,565 DON'T COUNT ON IT. THE ONLY PEOPLE 183 00:06:35,566 --> 00:06:37,066 WHO STILL WATCH THE 10:00 NEWS 184 00:06:37,067 --> 00:06:39,939 JUST DIED IN THEIR CHAIRS. 185 00:06:39,940 --> 00:06:41,280 NO, JUST WAIT. 186 00:06:41,281 --> 00:06:43,613 AFTER THIS, MY REPUTATION AT SCHOOL 187 00:06:43,614 --> 00:06:45,525 IS GONNA BE SWAG. 188 00:06:45,526 --> 00:06:49,449 BUT IT WON'T IF YOU KEEP SAYING THINGS LIKE "SWAG." 189 00:06:49,450 --> 00:06:51,120 IT'S ME! OH, IT'S ME. 190 00:06:51,121 --> 00:06:53,122 Well, just... it all happened so fast, you know. 191 00:06:53,123 --> 00:06:55,124 One minute, I'm coming in for groceries 192 00:06:55,125 --> 00:06:57,336 and the next minute, I'm staring death in the face. 193 00:06:57,337 --> 00:06:58,878 I'M ON TV. AND LOOK AT THAT. 194 00:06:58,879 --> 00:07:00,129 THEY SPELLED MY NAME RIGHT. 195 00:07:00,130 --> 00:07:02,211 This guy pulls out a gun and he yells, "Freeze!" 196 00:07:02,212 --> 00:07:03,843 So I stand there like a statue. 197 00:07:03,844 --> 00:07:05,805 And then he looks my way. 198 00:07:05,806 --> 00:07:09,218 And I swear, I thought I peed my pants. 199 00:07:09,219 --> 00:07:11,050 GLAD YOU GOT YOUR NAME ON THAT. 200 00:07:11,051 --> 00:07:13,142 NO, NO, NO, KEEP WATCHING. OKAY, HERO COMING. 201 00:07:13,143 --> 00:07:14,934 Turns out it was a toy gun. 202 00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:17,106 Toy gun... And, uh, you know... 203 00:07:17,107 --> 00:07:18,608 I didn't know at the time, though. 204 00:07:18,609 --> 00:07:21,320 So what I did is I stepped behind this girl to hide. 205 00:07:21,321 --> 00:07:23,773 YOU HID BEHIND A GIRL?! 206 00:07:23,774 --> 00:07:26,696 THAT'S NOT ALL I SAID. THAT WAS NOT THE END OF THE SENTENCE. 207 00:07:26,697 --> 00:07:28,698 WELL, IT SURE SOUNDED LIKE IT BECAUSE RIGHT NOW 208 00:07:28,699 --> 00:07:30,660 THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT THE ZOO'S NEW BABY ELEPHANT. 209 00:07:30,661 --> 00:07:33,242 AWW, YOU COULD HAVE HID BEHIND HIM TOO. 210 00:07:33,243 --> 00:07:35,414 NO, THAT CANNOT BE IT. 211 00:07:35,415 --> 00:07:37,957 THEY CUT OUT ALL THE COOL STUFF I SAID. 212 00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,458 I SAID I HID BEHIND THE GIRL 213 00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:41,541 SO THAT I COULD MAKE MY MOVE AND JUMP THE GUY. 214 00:07:41,542 --> 00:07:43,252 OH, I THINK EVERYONE WILL BE ABLE TO INFER THAT 215 00:07:43,253 --> 00:07:45,505 FROM WHAT YOU SAID ON CAMERA. 216 00:07:45,506 --> 00:07:47,507 OH, NO. THIS... THIS IS NOT GOOD. 217 00:07:47,508 --> 00:07:49,218 THIS IS NOT HOW YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL. 218 00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:51,300 OKAY, I GOT TO RETHINK EVERYTHING. 219 00:07:51,301 --> 00:07:53,432 I GOT TO RETHINK MY ENTIRE WARDROBE. 220 00:07:53,433 --> 00:07:56,185 OH, HEY, AUNT MEL, YOU'RE BACK EARLY. 221 00:07:56,186 --> 00:07:57,647 YOU JUST MISSED RYDER ON THE NEWS. 222 00:07:57,648 --> 00:07:59,228 OH, YOU DIDN'T MISS ANYTHING. 223 00:07:59,229 --> 00:08:00,399 YOU KNOW WHAT I DO MISS? 224 00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:02,101 HAVING A BOYFRIEND WHO ISN'T CLUELESS. 225 00:08:02,102 --> 00:08:03,693 I'M SUPPOSED TO BE MAKING OUT RIGHT NOW. 226 00:08:03,694 --> 00:08:05,655 DON'T LOOK AT ME. 227 00:08:05,656 --> 00:08:09,108 JOE HAD A 10:00 CUTOFF TIME FOR OUR DATE. 228 00:08:09,109 --> 00:08:12,702 HE LEFT NO WIGGLE ROOM FOR, WELL, WIGGLING. 229 00:08:12,703 --> 00:08:14,994 BUT AREN'T YOU TWO STILL IN YOUR COURTING STAGE? 230 00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:16,375 WELL, YES. 231 00:08:16,376 --> 00:08:18,417 OKAY, SO JOE'S REALLY BUSY WITH HIS NEW JOB, 232 00:08:18,418 --> 00:08:20,499 BUT HE WENT OUT OF HIS WAY TO MAKE TIME FOR YOU 233 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:25,174 EVEN THOUGH HE KNEW THERE WASN'T GOING TO BE ANY WIGGLING. 234 00:08:25,175 --> 00:08:26,886 WELL, WHEN YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT, 235 00:08:26,887 --> 00:08:28,718 YOU MAKE JOE SOUND LIKE A NICE GUY AND LIKE I SHOULD... 236 00:08:28,719 --> 00:08:30,801 - APOLOGIZE? - YEAH, I WAS GETTING TO THAT. 237 00:08:33,433 --> 00:08:35,304 YOU'RE APOLOGIZING BY TEXT? 238 00:08:35,305 --> 00:08:37,056 I WAS USING A CUTE EMOJI. 239 00:08:37,057 --> 00:08:39,268 NO. YOU'VE GOT TO DO IT IN PERSON, 240 00:08:39,269 --> 00:08:40,850 AND THE SOONER, THE BETTER. 241 00:08:40,851 --> 00:08:42,942 GEEZ, HOW COME I'M THE MOST MATURE PERSON AROUND HERE? 242 00:08:42,943 --> 00:08:45,065 HONESTLY, YOU DON'T HAVE A LOT OF COMPETITION. 243 00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:52,111 ( tapping ) JOE, JOE. 244 00:08:52,112 --> 00:08:54,203 - OPEN UP, COME ON. - MEL, HEY. 245 00:08:54,204 --> 00:08:55,534 HEY, HEY, HEY! SHH, SHH, SHH! 246 00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:56,656 KEEP IT DOWN, WILL YOU? 247 00:08:56,657 --> 00:08:58,118 YOU HAVE TO BE VERY QUIET AROUND HERE. 248 00:08:59,289 --> 00:09:01,500 ( loud thuds ) 249 00:09:01,501 --> 00:09:03,122 OH, I'M MAKING NOISE? 250 00:09:03,123 --> 00:09:05,214 SURE, PUT THE NANNY IN THE FIRETRAP ROOM. 251 00:09:05,215 --> 00:09:06,505 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 252 00:09:06,506 --> 00:09:08,298 OKAY. 253 00:09:10,130 --> 00:09:12,171 LISTEN, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE VISITORS, 254 00:09:12,172 --> 00:09:13,633 BUT THIS COULDN'T WAIT. I JUST... 255 00:09:13,634 --> 00:09:15,635 I WANTED TO APOLOGIZE. YOU KNOW, I MAY HAVE 256 00:09:15,636 --> 00:09:18,137 SLIGHTLY OVERREACTED TO YOUR DATE DEADLINE. 257 00:09:18,138 --> 00:09:20,981 - SLIGHTLY? - OKAY, LEARN HOW TO ACCEPT AN APOLOGY. 258 00:09:22,182 --> 00:09:23,272 ANYWAY, I JUST NEVER WANT US TO GO TO BED MAD, 259 00:09:23,273 --> 00:09:24,684 SO I BROUGHT YOU SOMETHING. 260 00:09:24,685 --> 00:09:26,146 YOU BROUGHT ME SOMETHING? WHAT'D YOU BRING ME? 261 00:09:27,237 --> 00:09:28,028 AWW. 262 00:09:28,029 --> 00:09:29,779 WELL, GOOD NIGHT. 263 00:09:29,780 --> 00:09:31,030 GOOD NIGHT. MWAH. 264 00:09:31,031 --> 00:09:32,742 HEY, WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT. 265 00:09:32,743 --> 00:09:35,534 MAYBE YOU COULD STAY AND JUST JOIN ME FOR LIKE ONE DRINK. 266 00:09:35,535 --> 00:09:37,787 WELL, I'VE NEVER SAID NO TO THAT BEFORE. 267 00:09:37,788 --> 00:09:39,199 ( thuds ) 268 00:09:46,126 --> 00:09:47,506 PARDON MY STEMWARE. 269 00:09:47,507 --> 00:09:48,918 DON'T WORRY. 270 00:09:48,919 --> 00:09:50,549 IT'S NOT THE WEIRDEST THING I EVER DRANK OUT OF. 271 00:09:50,550 --> 00:09:54,213 I ONCE DRANK BATHTUB GIN FROM AN ACTUAL BATHTUB. 272 00:09:54,214 --> 00:09:56,015 THERE WAS A GUY IN IT AT THE TIME. 273 00:09:56,016 --> 00:09:57,306 AND HIS TWIN BROTHER CHARLIE 274 00:09:57,307 --> 00:09:59,058 - WHO HAD THESE DELTOIDS... - HEY, YO, MEL, MEL. 275 00:09:59,059 --> 00:10:00,930 I THINK NOW THAT WE'RE DATING, 276 00:10:00,931 --> 00:10:02,021 WE SHOULD MAYBE INSTITUTE A LITTLE 277 00:10:02,022 --> 00:10:04,023 "DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL" POLICY ABOUT THE PAST. 278 00:10:04,024 --> 00:10:05,725 OKAY, SO, YOU KNOW, 279 00:10:05,726 --> 00:10:08,067 ANYTHING THAT HAPPENED, SAY, BEFORE THREE YEARS AGO, 280 00:10:08,068 --> 00:10:10,399 WE SHOULD PROBABLY JUST PUT IN A LITTLE LOCKBOX. 281 00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:12,191 I THINK I'M GONNA NEED MORE THAN A LOCKBOX. 282 00:10:12,192 --> 00:10:14,533 MAYBE LIKE A WHOLE STORAGE UNIT. 283 00:10:14,534 --> 00:10:16,575 WHAT A PRETTY PICTURE. 284 00:10:16,576 --> 00:10:18,577 WHICH WE CAN MAKE DISAPPEAR NOW 285 00:10:18,578 --> 00:10:20,039 WITH OUR LIQUID ERASER. 286 00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:22,122 WORKS FOR ME. 287 00:10:24,204 --> 00:10:25,916 - TO NEW BEGINNINGS. - ( chuckles ) 288 00:10:32,963 --> 00:10:35,014 SO ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY WITH JUST MAKING OUT? 289 00:10:35,015 --> 00:10:36,757 IT'S BETTER THAN NOT MAKING OUT. 290 00:10:38,719 --> 00:10:43,813 ( baby cries ) 291 00:10:43,814 --> 00:10:45,975 IT'S IRONIC THAT THE RESULT OF ROMANCE 292 00:10:45,976 --> 00:10:48,227 IS SO UNROMANTIC. 293 00:10:48,228 --> 00:10:50,069 YUP, I GOT TO GET THAT. 294 00:10:50,070 --> 00:10:52,191 OH, CAN'T YOU JUST LET IT GO TO VOICEMAIL? 295 00:10:52,192 --> 00:10:55,234 ( crying continues ) 296 00:10:55,235 --> 00:10:57,326 ( murmurs ) 297 00:10:57,327 --> 00:10:59,830 MAN, AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO PREVENT THAT? 298 00:11:01,992 --> 00:11:03,242 PICKED UP A NEW OUTFIT FOR SCHOOL. 299 00:11:03,243 --> 00:11:04,243 WHAT DO YOU THINK? 300 00:11:04,244 --> 00:11:05,785 RYDER? 301 00:11:05,786 --> 00:11:07,336 RYDER, ARE YOU STILL HERE? 302 00:11:07,337 --> 00:11:09,088 'CAUSE YOU'RE LITERALLY BLENDING IN WITH THE WALL. 303 00:11:09,089 --> 00:11:10,129 PERFECT. 304 00:11:10,130 --> 00:11:12,131 I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO LOOK COOL. 305 00:11:12,132 --> 00:11:14,754 THAT WAS BEFORE THE NEWS TURNED ME INTO A MASSIVE GEEK. 306 00:11:14,755 --> 00:11:16,886 SO MY NEW GOAL IS INVISIBILITY. 307 00:11:16,887 --> 00:11:19,008 'CAUSE WHAT YOU CAN'T SEE, YOU CAN'T THROW IN A DUMPSTER. 308 00:11:19,009 --> 00:11:20,679 RYDER, RELAX. 309 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,722 OKAY, I TOLD YOU. NOBODY WATCHES THE NEWS. 310 00:11:22,723 --> 00:11:23,853 ( beeping ) 311 00:11:23,854 --> 00:11:26,015 OH, AN INSTANT MESSAGE FROM MAYA. 312 00:11:26,016 --> 00:11:29,859 "OMG, YOUR BROTHER'S VIDEO IS BLOWING UP." 313 00:11:29,860 --> 00:11:33,233 OKAY, SO ONE PERSON WATCHES THE NEWS. 314 00:11:35,025 --> 00:11:36,405 Well, just... it all happened so fast. 315 00:11:36,406 --> 00:11:37,656 - ( music plays ) - You know, I... 316 00:11:37,657 --> 00:11:39,118 One minute, I'm coming in for groceries, 317 00:11:39,119 --> 00:11:41,410 and the next minute I'm staring death in the face. 318 00:11:41,411 --> 00:11:43,452 - WHAT? - This guy pulls out a gun and yells, 319 00:11:43,453 --> 00:11:46,205 "Freeze!" So I stand there like a statue. 320 00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:47,877 - ( auto-tuned music plays ) - ♪ He looks my way ♪ 321 00:11:47,878 --> 00:11:50,379 ♪ He looks my way. He looks my way ♪ 322 00:11:50,380 --> 00:11:52,211 ♪ I swear I peed my pants ♪ 323 00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:54,093 - ♪ I swear ♪ - ♪ Just all happened so fast ♪ 324 00:11:54,094 --> 00:11:56,005 ♪ You know, I peed my pants ♪ 325 00:11:56,006 --> 00:11:57,096 ♪ I swear ♪ 326 00:11:57,097 --> 00:11:58,838 YEAH, BUT, RYDER, 327 00:11:58,839 --> 00:12:01,470 I MEAN, WHO WATCHES THINGS ON THE INTERNET TODAY? 328 00:12:01,471 --> 00:12:03,012 EVERYONE. 329 00:12:03,013 --> 00:12:05,644 BUT IT'S ONLY GOT 35,000 VIEWS. 330 00:12:05,645 --> 00:12:08,268 AND IT'S BEEN UP FOR SIX WHOLE MINUTES. 331 00:12:10,060 --> 00:12:12,151 THAT IS NOT MY CROTCH. THAT IS A LIE! 332 00:12:12,152 --> 00:12:13,482 - ♪ I peed my pants ♪ - ♪ I peed my pants ♪ 333 00:12:13,483 --> 00:12:14,984 - ♪ He peed his pants ♪ - ♪ I swear ♪ 334 00:12:14,985 --> 00:12:16,065 ♪ I peed my pants, I peed my pants ♪ 335 00:12:16,066 --> 00:12:17,526 - ♪ He peed his pants ♪ - ♪ I swear ♪ 336 00:12:17,527 --> 00:12:18,818 ♪ I peed my pants, I peed my pants ♪ 337 00:12:18,819 --> 00:12:20,739 - ♪ He peed his pants ♪ - ♪ I swear ♪ 338 00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:22,862 - ♪ I peed my pants ♪ - ♪ The little bitch peed his pants ♪ 339 00:12:22,863 --> 00:12:24,163 ♪ I peed my pants, I peed my pants ♪ 340 00:12:24,164 --> 00:12:25,955 - ♪ He peed his pants ♪ - ♪ I swear ♪ 341 00:12:25,956 --> 00:12:27,867 - ♪ I peed my pants ♪ - ♪ The little bitch peed his pants ♪ 342 00:12:27,868 --> 00:12:29,459 - OKAY. - ♪ I peed my.. ♪ 343 00:12:31,001 --> 00:12:32,081 THAT'S IT. 344 00:12:32,082 --> 00:12:34,173 I CAN NEVER SHOW MY FACE AT SCHOOL AGAIN. 345 00:12:34,174 --> 00:12:36,136 OR YOUR CROTCH. 346 00:12:39,339 --> 00:12:41,721 - OKAY, HE'S ASLEEP. - OH. 347 00:12:43,593 --> 00:12:46,685 WELL, THIS IS, UH... THIS IS NICE. 348 00:12:46,686 --> 00:12:48,647 YEAH, JUST YOU AND ME 349 00:12:48,648 --> 00:12:51,441 AND SOMEBODY ELSE'S BABY. 350 00:12:53,313 --> 00:12:55,024 WELL, I SHOULD PROBABLY GO. 351 00:12:55,025 --> 00:12:56,525 YEAH, YEAH, YOU SHOULD. 352 00:12:56,526 --> 00:12:57,897 YUP, ACTUALLY THE BUCHWALDS 353 00:12:57,898 --> 00:12:59,278 HAVE A VERY STRICT NO-GUEST POLICY. 354 00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:02,361 SO THANK YOU FOR, UM, COMING OVER. 355 00:13:02,362 --> 00:13:04,743 BUT A QUICK KISS GOOD-BYE IS OKAY, RIGHT? 356 00:13:04,744 --> 00:13:07,207 I DON'T SEE A PROBLEM WITH THAT. 357 00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:11,912 JOE, WHERE'S TUCKER? 358 00:13:15,005 --> 00:13:16,465 JOE, OPEN UP. I WANT TO FEED HIM. 359 00:13:16,466 --> 00:13:17,466 IS IT STUCK? 360 00:13:17,467 --> 00:13:19,008 NO. 361 00:13:19,009 --> 00:13:21,051 I WANT US TO GET CAUGHT. 362 00:13:26,686 --> 00:13:28,557 JOE, CAN YOU HEAR ME? OPEN THE DOOR. 363 00:13:28,558 --> 00:13:31,190 YES, YES, HE'S HERE. 364 00:13:31,191 --> 00:13:32,601 IT'S NOT OPENING. WHAT DO I DO? 365 00:13:32,602 --> 00:13:35,024 SHH! WILL YOU? I'LL BE RIGHT THERE. 366 00:13:35,025 --> 00:13:36,235 I'M ON MY WAY. 367 00:13:36,236 --> 00:13:38,237 HOW FAR IS IT FROM YOUR BED TO THE DOOR? 368 00:13:38,238 --> 00:13:40,399 ( laughs ) THAT'S A GOOD ONE. 369 00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:42,821 WE NEED TO HIDE YOU. THE CLOSET! COME ON. 370 00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:44,494 - SERIOUSLY? - YES! 371 00:13:46,156 --> 00:13:47,496 HELLO, HERE'S YOUR BABY. 372 00:13:47,497 --> 00:13:48,537 THERE'S TUCKER. HE'S RIGHT THERE. 373 00:13:48,538 --> 00:13:50,369 OKAY, WELL, I NEED TO NURSE HIM. 374 00:13:50,370 --> 00:13:54,333 ABSOLUTELY, YES, YOU ARE THE MAN FOR THE JOB. 375 00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:56,215 OR SHOULD I SAY WOMAN? 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, WITH... 376 00:13:56,216 --> 00:13:57,546 WITH THOSE THINGS OUT TO HERE, 377 00:13:57,547 --> 00:13:58,757 YOU'RE DEFINITELY NOT A MAN. 378 00:13:58,758 --> 00:14:01,510 YEAH, I'M NOT SURE THAT THAT'S APPROPRIATE, 379 00:14:01,511 --> 00:14:03,633 BUT, UM, THANK YOU. 380 00:14:11,061 --> 00:14:13,392 - JOE. - YES! 381 00:14:13,393 --> 00:14:15,895 WHOSE SCARF IS THAT? 382 00:14:15,896 --> 00:14:18,478 IT'S MINE. 383 00:14:19,479 --> 00:14:21,110 I, UH... I... I... 384 00:14:21,111 --> 00:14:24,153 I LOVE... I LOVE... I LOVE THE WAY IT FEELS ON MY SKIN. 385 00:14:24,154 --> 00:14:26,325 REMINDS ME OF... 386 00:14:26,326 --> 00:14:30,409 MY PET RABBIT. 387 00:14:30,410 --> 00:14:32,451 YOU'RE VERY SECURE WITH YOUR MASCULINITY. 388 00:14:32,452 --> 00:14:34,254 YES, I AM. 389 00:14:36,836 --> 00:14:38,587 ALL RIGHT, WELL, I WILL SEE YOU IN THE MORNING. 390 00:14:38,588 --> 00:14:40,169 YOU'RE OFF THE CLOCK. 391 00:14:40,170 --> 00:14:41,460 THANK YOU. THANK YOU. 392 00:14:41,461 --> 00:14:42,382 SORRY ABOUT YOUR BREASTS. 393 00:14:43,803 --> 00:14:47,216 I MEAN, MENTIONING THEM. 394 00:14:47,217 --> 00:14:50,010 I'M SUCH A BOOB. THAT DIDN'T HELP. 395 00:14:54,354 --> 00:14:56,435 - ARE YOU OKAY? - THAT WAS SO HOT. 396 00:14:56,436 --> 00:14:57,686 AWW, MAN, I'M SORRY. 397 00:14:57,687 --> 00:14:59,228 NO, NOT HOT IN THE CLOSET. 398 00:14:59,229 --> 00:15:01,070 HOT ALMOST GETTING CAUGHT IN A BOY'S ROOM. 399 00:15:01,071 --> 00:15:03,322 WAIT A MINUTE, THAT... THAT... THAT TURNED YOU ON? 400 00:15:03,323 --> 00:15:04,403 LIKE HIGH SCHOOL. LET'S HURRY UP 401 00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:05,444 BEFORE YOUR PARENTS COME BACK. 402 00:15:05,445 --> 00:15:06,525 WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT. 403 00:15:06,526 --> 00:15:08,077 ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS? 404 00:15:08,078 --> 00:15:10,579 BECAUSE I AM TOTALLY OKAY WITH WAITING. 405 00:15:10,580 --> 00:15:13,243 - YEAH, I'M NOT. - ALL RIGHT, THAT WORKS FOR ME TOO. 406 00:15:23,043 --> 00:15:24,383 WELL, WELL, WELL. 407 00:15:24,384 --> 00:15:28,347 LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE VIOLATED THEIR CURFEW. 408 00:15:28,348 --> 00:15:30,469 WELL, I MAY HAVE GONE OVER TO APOLOGIZE. 409 00:15:30,470 --> 00:15:32,351 AND IT MAY HAVE TAKEN LONGER THAN EXPECTED. 410 00:15:32,352 --> 00:15:33,642 MM, THAT MUST HAVE BEEN SOME APOLOGY. 411 00:15:33,643 --> 00:15:37,356 IT SOMEHOW TURNED YOUR SKIRT AROUND BACKWARDS. 412 00:15:37,357 --> 00:15:38,517 OH, LOOK, HERE'S RYDER. 413 00:15:38,518 --> 00:15:39,768 LET'S FOCUS ON HIM. 414 00:15:39,769 --> 00:15:41,900 HEY, RYDER, FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL. 415 00:15:41,901 --> 00:15:43,652 - ARE YOU READY? - I'M NOT GOING. 416 00:15:43,653 --> 00:15:46,365 THAT'S THE SPIRIT... WAIT, WHAT? 417 00:15:46,366 --> 00:15:48,367 YEAH, I'VE GONE VIRAL. 418 00:15:48,368 --> 00:15:49,908 OH, HONEY, I'M SO SORRY. YOU'RE A BOY. 419 00:15:49,909 --> 00:15:51,910 WE DIDN'T THINK YOU NEEDED THAT SHOT. 420 00:15:51,911 --> 00:15:53,952 NO, NO, MY NEWS INTERVIEW, 421 00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:56,535 SOMEONE TURNED IT INTO SOME KIND OF AUTO-TUNE VIDEO. 422 00:15:56,536 --> 00:15:58,457 ♪ I swear I peed my pants ♪ 423 00:15:58,458 --> 00:15:59,748 - ♪ I peed my pants ♪ - ♪ I swear ♪ 424 00:15:59,749 --> 00:16:00,749 ♪ I peed my pants ♪ 425 00:16:00,750 --> 00:16:02,461 ♪ I peed my pants ♪ 426 00:16:02,462 --> 00:16:03,672 ♪ I swear ♪ 427 00:16:03,673 --> 00:16:06,846 99 CENTS, WORTH EVERY PENNY. 428 00:16:08,388 --> 00:16:10,389 IT'S UP TO A MILLION VIEWS. 429 00:16:10,390 --> 00:16:11,760 I'M NEVER GOING TO SCHOOL AGAIN. 430 00:16:11,761 --> 00:16:13,472 OH, HONEY, IT WAS A REALLY SCARY SITUATION. 431 00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:15,014 YOU KNOW, ANYBODY COULD HAVE PEED THEIR PANTS. 432 00:16:15,015 --> 00:16:16,185 I DIDN'T PEE MY PANTS. 433 00:16:16,186 --> 00:16:18,187 WELL, YOU'RE STILL GOING TO SCHOOL 434 00:16:18,188 --> 00:16:19,518 EITHER WAY, WET OR DRY. 435 00:16:19,519 --> 00:16:22,361 DRY! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU PEOPLE? 436 00:16:22,362 --> 00:16:24,483 DRY! 437 00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:26,985 ♪ I SWEAR I PEED MY PANTS ♪ 438 00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,278 OOH, THAT'S A CATCHY TUNE. 439 00:16:29,279 --> 00:16:31,780 OH, THAT POOR KID IS IN FOR A ROUGH DAY. 440 00:16:31,781 --> 00:16:33,612 I KNOW. ( laughs ) 441 00:16:33,613 --> 00:16:34,743 LOOK, YOU GOT TO SEE THE VIDEO. 442 00:16:34,744 --> 00:16:37,457 - OH, YEAH. - ( music plays ) 443 00:16:40,170 --> 00:16:41,210 ( knocking ) 444 00:16:41,211 --> 00:16:42,581 - MORNING. - MORNING. 445 00:16:42,582 --> 00:16:44,383 SO QUESTION FOR YOU. 446 00:16:44,384 --> 00:16:47,005 THIS MORNING I SAW A WOMAN 447 00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:48,837 RUNNING THROUGH OUR LAWN 448 00:16:48,838 --> 00:16:51,430 AND DODGING THE SPRINKLERS. 449 00:16:51,431 --> 00:16:53,392 LOOKED LIKE SHE WAS LEAVING YOUR ROOM. DID YOU SEE HER? 450 00:16:53,393 --> 00:16:55,514 NO. 451 00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:57,636 MAYBE IT WAS THE GARDENER... 452 00:16:57,637 --> 00:17:00,399 ...'S WIFE. 453 00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:01,560 IT WAS MEL BURKE. 454 00:17:01,561 --> 00:17:03,272 ( sighs ) 455 00:17:03,273 --> 00:17:05,854 WOW, GEEZ, LOOK. 456 00:17:05,855 --> 00:17:07,066 I'M... I'M... I'M SORRY. 457 00:17:07,067 --> 00:17:08,317 I NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAD A GUEST OVER HERE 458 00:17:08,318 --> 00:17:09,698 WITHOUT ASKING YOUR PERMISSION. 459 00:17:09,699 --> 00:17:11,360 SHE ACTUALLY JUST CAME OVER TO GIVE ME SOMETHING. 460 00:17:11,361 --> 00:17:13,702 OH, I KNOW WHAT SHE GAVE YOU. 461 00:17:13,703 --> 00:17:15,414 - YOU DO? - YEAH, YOU SEE, 462 00:17:15,415 --> 00:17:16,745 LAST NIGHT WHEN I LEFT YOUR ROOM, 463 00:17:16,746 --> 00:17:20,789 I ACCIDENTLY TOOK THE WRONG END OF THE BABY MONITOR. 464 00:17:20,790 --> 00:17:22,461 SO YOU HAD THE RECEIVING END? 465 00:17:22,462 --> 00:17:23,462 I DID. 466 00:17:23,463 --> 00:17:25,794 WHICH MEANS THAT I HAD THE... 467 00:17:25,795 --> 00:17:27,836 TRANSMITTING END? 468 00:17:27,837 --> 00:17:28,927 YOU DID. 469 00:17:28,928 --> 00:17:30,259 OH GOD. 470 00:17:30,260 --> 00:17:32,221 YEAH, YOU SAID A LOT OF THAT LAST NIGHT. 471 00:17:32,222 --> 00:17:33,302 AS DID MEL. 472 00:17:33,303 --> 00:17:35,724 I HAD NO IDEA SHE WAS SO RELIGIOUS 473 00:17:35,725 --> 00:17:37,936 OR SO BOSSY. 474 00:17:37,937 --> 00:17:39,438 THAT WAS REALLY UNPROFESSIONAL. 475 00:17:39,439 --> 00:17:41,270 I PROMISE YOU THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. 476 00:17:41,271 --> 00:17:44,484 NO, NO, PLEASE. PROMISE ME IT WILL. 477 00:17:45,735 --> 00:17:47,065 EXCUSE ME? 478 00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:48,527 THE SOUNDS OF YOU AND MEL 479 00:17:48,528 --> 00:17:50,028 IGNITED THE FIRST NIGHT OF PASSION 480 00:17:50,029 --> 00:17:52,070 THAT ZEV AND I HAVE HAD SINCE THE BABY WAS BORN. 481 00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:53,402 SO I JUST HAVE ONE QUESTION. 482 00:17:53,403 --> 00:17:55,195 WHEN WILL SHE BE COMING BACK? 483 00:18:00,870 --> 00:18:02,541 UGH! 484 00:18:02,542 --> 00:18:03,582 ( shudders ) 485 00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:05,003 ( gagging ) 486 00:18:05,004 --> 00:18:06,545 MM, WELL, I JUST FOUND OUT 487 00:18:06,546 --> 00:18:08,297 THAT I WORK FOR A DISGUSTING WOMAN. 488 00:18:08,298 --> 00:18:10,839 OR SHOULD I SAY I USED TO WORK FOR A DISGUSTING WOMAN? 489 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,921 MEL, SIENNA KNEW THAT YOU SLEPT OVER LAST NIGHT. 490 00:18:12,922 --> 00:18:14,303 OH, NO, DID SHE FIRE YOU? 491 00:18:14,304 --> 00:18:15,424 NO, GET THIS... 492 00:18:15,425 --> 00:18:17,136 SHE LISTENED TO US ALL NIGHT LONG 493 00:18:17,137 --> 00:18:18,478 ON THE BABY MONITOR. 494 00:18:19,979 --> 00:18:21,520 AND SHE LIKED IT. 495 00:18:21,521 --> 00:18:22,392 YEAH. 496 00:18:22,393 --> 00:18:23,522 SO I QUIT. 497 00:18:23,523 --> 00:18:25,484 WAIT, SHE REALLY... 498 00:18:25,485 --> 00:18:26,725 - UGH! - MM-HMM. 499 00:18:26,726 --> 00:18:28,487 THAT'S SO GROSS. 500 00:18:28,488 --> 00:18:31,230 YET STRANGELY FLATTERING. 501 00:18:31,231 --> 00:18:33,532 ANYWAY, NOW I DON'T HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE OR A JOB. 502 00:18:33,533 --> 00:18:34,573 SO I'M BASICALLY BACK TO SQUARE ONE. 503 00:18:34,574 --> 00:18:36,945 I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HECK I'M GONNA DO NOW. 504 00:18:36,946 --> 00:18:39,538 JOE, YOU SERIOUSLY THINK THAT YOU HAVE PROBLEMS? 505 00:18:39,539 --> 00:18:42,371 FOR THE REST OF HIGH SCHOOL, I'M GONNA BE KNOWN AS 506 00:18:42,372 --> 00:18:45,544 RYDER "PEED HIS PANTS" SCANLON. 507 00:18:45,545 --> 00:18:47,456 LOOK, YOUR SOLUTION IS STARING AT YOU RIGHT IN THE FACE. 508 00:18:47,457 --> 00:18:48,797 JUST MOVE IN AND PAY RENT. 509 00:18:48,798 --> 00:18:51,300 THAT'S RIDICULOUS. THAT... 510 00:18:51,301 --> 00:18:53,172 COULD ACTUALLY POSSIBLY BE A SOLUTION. 511 00:18:53,173 --> 00:18:54,713 YOU'RE WELCOME. 512 00:18:54,714 --> 00:18:57,426 ♪ I SWEAR I PEED MY PANTS ♪ 513 00:18:57,427 --> 00:19:00,099 OH, GOD! NOW I'M SINGING IT! 514 00:19:01,601 --> 00:19:03,892 LOOK, I KNOW HE'S A LITTLE HIGH-STRUNG THIS MORNING, 515 00:19:03,893 --> 00:19:05,814 BUT "PEED HIS PANTS" HAS A POINT. 516 00:19:05,815 --> 00:19:07,816 NOW WOULD YOU SERIOUSLY CONSIDER 517 00:19:07,817 --> 00:19:09,228 MOVING BACK INTO YOUR OLD ROOM? 518 00:19:09,229 --> 00:19:11,440 YEAH, I MIGHT, BUT LIKE THE BOY SAID, 519 00:19:11,441 --> 00:19:12,481 THERE WOULD HAVE TO BE CONDITIONS. 520 00:19:12,482 --> 00:19:14,323 YOU KNOW, LIKE I WOULD HAVE TO PAY RENT. 521 00:19:14,324 --> 00:19:16,535 ALTHOUGH, NOT TOO MUCH BECAUSE IT'S NOT REALLY THAT GREAT UP THERE. 522 00:19:16,536 --> 00:19:18,617 HONESTLY, I'M NOT EVEN SURE IF IT'S UP TO CODE. 523 00:19:18,618 --> 00:19:20,539 AT LEAST THE WINDOWS WORK. 524 00:19:20,540 --> 00:19:21,491 ALL RIGHT, FINE. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? 525 00:19:21,492 --> 00:19:23,702 IF SOMEBODY'S NICE TO ME, I MAY EVEN CONSIDER 526 00:19:23,703 --> 00:19:25,664 PARTAKING IN A LITTLE COOKING EVERY NOW AND THEN. 527 00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:27,416 BUT NOT BECAUSE IT'S PART OF MY JOB. 528 00:19:27,417 --> 00:19:29,458 JUST BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, I FIND IT RELAXING 529 00:19:29,459 --> 00:19:31,169 AND BECAUSE I EXCEL AT IT. 530 00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:32,961 IT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD DEAL TO ME. 531 00:19:32,962 --> 00:19:34,963 ALTHOUGH, IT WAS KIND OF FUN 532 00:19:34,964 --> 00:19:36,255 SNEAKING UP IN YOUR ROOM. 533 00:19:36,256 --> 00:19:39,097 WELL, MAYBE YOU COULD TRY SNEAKING UPSTAIRS TONIGHT. 534 00:19:39,098 --> 00:19:41,640 OH, WELL, ONLY IF YOUR LANDLADY'S OKAY WITH IT. 535 00:19:41,641 --> 00:19:42,931 WE'D HAVE TO KEEP IT ON THE DOWN-LOW 536 00:19:42,932 --> 00:19:44,513 BECAUSE, BETWEEN YOU AND ME, 537 00:19:44,514 --> 00:19:46,014 I THINK SHE HAS A THING FOR ME. 538 00:19:46,015 --> 00:19:49,187 OH, AS LONG AS YOU HAVE A THING FOR HER... 539 00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:51,401 CALLED A RENT CHECK. 540 00:19:58,197 --> 00:19:59,578 HEY, AUNT MEL. 541 00:19:59,579 --> 00:20:01,199 HEY, JOE. TAKE OFF YOUR APRON, ALL RIGHT, 542 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,411 'CAUSE TONIGHT I'M TAKING EVERYBODY OUT. 543 00:20:02,412 --> 00:20:03,622 DINNER'S ON ME. 544 00:20:03,623 --> 00:20:05,083 FIRST OF ALL, UM, 545 00:20:05,084 --> 00:20:06,995 I DON'T WEAR AN APRON. 546 00:20:06,996 --> 00:20:09,127 SECONDLY, YOU DO REALIZE WHEN YOU TAKE PEOPLE OUT TO DINNER, 547 00:20:09,128 --> 00:20:10,249 SOMEBODY HAS TO ACTUALLY PAY FOR THAT. 548 00:20:10,250 --> 00:20:11,750 OH NO, I'M PAYING 549 00:20:11,751 --> 00:20:14,133 'CAUSE I RECENTLY CAME INTO A LITTLE BIT OF MONEY. 550 00:20:15,174 --> 00:20:17,135 OH, RYDER, DUDE. I'M SO SORRY. 551 00:20:17,136 --> 00:20:19,217 I JUST SAW THAT YOUR VIDEO REACHED TWO MILLION HITS. 552 00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:21,970 YES, NO, THIS IS GREAT. THIS PEE IS GOLD. 553 00:20:21,971 --> 00:20:24,052 IT'S LIQUID GOLD. I'M TELLING YOU. 554 00:20:24,053 --> 00:20:25,894 I DON'T WANT TO BURST YOUR BUBBLE THERE, PAL. 555 00:20:25,895 --> 00:20:27,015 I HAPPEN TO FOLLOW THE MARKETS 556 00:20:27,016 --> 00:20:29,808 AND URINE IS NOT A RECOMMENDED BUY. 557 00:20:29,809 --> 00:20:32,311 SO REMEMBER THAT AUTO-TUNES VIDEO I STARRED IN? 558 00:20:32,312 --> 00:20:33,902 WELL, IT TURNS OUT, 559 00:20:33,903 --> 00:20:36,985 I GET PAID HALF OF EVERY DOWNLOAD. 560 00:20:36,986 --> 00:20:38,567 WAY TO GO. 561 00:20:38,568 --> 00:20:41,119 VERY FEW PEOPLE CAN MONETIZE HUMILIATION, MAN. 562 00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:43,782 YEAH, TOO BAD MONEY CAN'T MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU. 563 00:20:43,783 --> 00:20:45,494 OH, LENNOX. 564 00:20:45,495 --> 00:20:48,126 LENNOX, LENNOX, THERE'S SO MUCH YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL. 565 00:20:48,127 --> 00:20:49,369 ( phone rings ) 566 00:20:50,460 --> 00:20:51,830 HELLO. 567 00:20:51,831 --> 00:20:53,171 YEAH, HEY, AMELIA, WHAT'S UP? 568 00:20:53,172 --> 00:20:55,213 OH, SURE, YEAH. NO, I CAN... 569 00:20:55,214 --> 00:20:59,177 I CAN SWING BY CHEERLEADING PRACTICE TOMORROW. 570 00:20:59,178 --> 00:21:01,219 I ACTUALLY GOT TO GO, BUT... 571 00:21:01,220 --> 00:21:02,260 OKAY. 572 00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:05,094 ♪ I SWEAR I PEED MY PANTS ♪ 573 00:21:08,348 --> 00:21:11,189 IS IT JUST ME OR HAS THE WORLD LOWERED THE BAR 574 00:21:11,190 --> 00:21:12,351 FOR WHAT PASSES AS COOL? 575 00:21:12,352 --> 00:21:14,984 YUP, YEAH, DOWN TO ABOUT HERE.