1 00:00:07,838 --> 00:00:09,509 "MELISSA & JOEY" IS RECORDED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE. 2 00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:11,261 UGH! I JUST RECEIVED 3 00:00:11,262 --> 00:00:13,683 THE MOST MASSIVELY INAPPROPRIATE TEXT FROM ZANDER. 4 00:00:13,684 --> 00:00:15,135 YEAH, I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT AND I DON'T WANNA SEE IT. 5 00:00:15,136 --> 00:00:18,017 "THINKING OF YOU. SMILEY FACE." 6 00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:21,982 HOW IS THAT TEXT INAPPROPRIATE? WHAT, IS HIS SMILEY FACE NAKED? 7 00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:24,984 NO. WE'RE BROKEN UP, OKAY? 8 00:00:24,985 --> 00:00:26,106 NO ONE IS SMILING. 9 00:00:26,107 --> 00:00:28,068 AND HE SHOULDN'T BE SENDING THINGS LIKE THIS. 10 00:00:28,069 --> 00:00:29,990 AND YOU SHOULD BE INDIGNANT FOR ME. 11 00:00:30,951 --> 00:00:32,113 HOW DARE HE. 12 00:00:33,704 --> 00:00:35,205 WHY DOES HE HAVE TO BE SO NICE? 13 00:00:35,206 --> 00:00:38,368 WHY CAN'T HE JUST BE A JERK LIKE EVERY OTHER EX-BOYFRIEND? 14 00:00:38,369 --> 00:00:40,370 OKAY, OUT OF MY WAY! 15 00:00:40,371 --> 00:00:41,621 LATE CITY COUNCILWOMAN COMING THROUGH! 16 00:00:41,622 --> 00:00:43,503 OKAY, BYE-BYE. LOVE EVERYBODY. 17 00:00:43,504 --> 00:00:45,925 - HEY, DON'T FORGET YOUR COFFEE. - NO, NO TIME FOR COFFEE. 18 00:00:45,926 --> 00:00:48,007 OH, WHY CAN'T THEY JUST MAKE A DAMN CAFFEINE PATCH? 19 00:00:48,008 --> 00:00:51,591 YEAH, I KNOW. OR LIKE A CUP WITH MAYBE LIKE A LID? 20 00:00:51,592 --> 00:00:53,303 PATCH WOULD BE EASIER. YOU JUST SLAP IT ON, 21 00:00:53,304 --> 00:00:55,095 AND YOU'RE BUZZED FOR A WEEK. 22 00:00:55,096 --> 00:00:56,436 YOU'RE FORGETTING SOMETHING ELSE, TOO. 23 00:00:56,437 --> 00:00:57,677 NO, I HAVE UNDERWEAR ON. 24 00:00:57,678 --> 00:00:59,600 IT'S JUST SEAMLESS. FEEL. 25 00:01:00,891 --> 00:01:02,892 THAT'S VERY NICE. THAT'S VERY NICE. 26 00:01:02,893 --> 00:01:05,275 I'M TALKING ABOUT THE DRESS YOU'RE GONNA BE WEARING 27 00:01:05,276 --> 00:01:06,526 TO THE PRESS ASSOCIATION DINNER TONIGHT. 28 00:01:06,527 --> 00:01:07,567 I PICKED IT UP FOR YOU AT THE DRY CLEANER'S. 29 00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:09,569 OH, THE PRESS DINNER'S TONIGHT. 30 00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:12,152 - THANKS FOR REMINDING ME. - YEAH, IT'S GONNA BE YOUR FIRST OPPORTUNITY 31 00:01:12,153 --> 00:01:14,954 TO SHOW OFF YOUR NEW LONGO-BRAND ARM CANDY IN PUBLIC. 32 00:01:14,955 --> 00:01:17,907 IT'S GONNA BE A PRETTY SWEET MOMENT FOR YOU. 33 00:01:17,908 --> 00:01:20,830 SOUNDS LIKE YOU'D RATHER BE TAKING YOURSELF TO THIS DINNER TONIGHT. 34 00:01:20,831 --> 00:01:24,465 PLEASE, IF I WAS DATING ME, WE'D NEVER MAKE IT OUT THE FRONT DOOR. 35 00:01:26,967 --> 00:01:28,508 ( theme music playing ) 36 00:01:28,509 --> 00:01:30,130 - ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD ♪ - ♪ All good ♪ 37 00:01:30,131 --> 00:01:31,921 - ♪ IT'S OKAY ♪ - ♪ Okay ♪ 38 00:01:31,922 --> 00:01:33,633 - ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪ - ♪ All right ♪ 39 00:01:33,634 --> 00:01:35,555 ♪ AS FAR AS I CAN SEE ♪ 40 00:01:35,556 --> 00:01:36,976 - ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD ♪ - ♪ All good ♪ 41 00:01:36,977 --> 00:01:38,888 - ♪ IT'S OKAY ♪ - ♪ Okay ♪ 42 00:01:38,889 --> 00:01:40,810 - ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪ - ♪ All right ♪ 43 00:01:40,811 --> 00:01:43,563 ♪ I GUESS YOU'RE STUCK ♪ 44 00:01:43,564 --> 00:01:46,397 ♪ WITH ME ♪ 45 00:01:49,029 --> 00:01:50,860 WELL, I'M GLAD MR. LEEMAN PUT US TOGETHER. 46 00:01:50,861 --> 00:01:53,903 YOU'RE NOT LIKE THOSE OTHER GUYS WHO GET ALL WEIRD AROUND ME. 47 00:01:53,904 --> 00:01:55,945 NO, I'M PRETTY MUCH JUST WEIRD ALL THE TIME, 48 00:01:55,946 --> 00:01:57,737 SO IT DOESN'T REALLY STAND OUT. 49 00:01:57,738 --> 00:02:00,790 OH. WELL, WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING WORKS FOR YOU. 50 00:02:00,791 --> 00:02:02,372 ( laughs ) I SHOULD GET HOME. 51 00:02:02,373 --> 00:02:03,873 I'LL SEE YOU IN CLASS TOMORROW? 52 00:02:03,874 --> 00:02:06,876 YEAH YEAH, I'LL GRAB US A TABLE BY THE EYE-WASH STATION. 53 00:02:06,877 --> 00:02:08,248 THOSE SEATS GO FAST. 54 00:02:08,249 --> 00:02:12,252 YOU KNOW, I'M STARTING TO SEE THE WEIRDNESS. 55 00:02:12,253 --> 00:02:13,964 ( both chuckle ) 56 00:02:15,516 --> 00:02:17,807 - ( door closes ) - SHE LIKES YOU. 57 00:02:17,808 --> 00:02:18,968 WHAT? 58 00:02:18,969 --> 00:02:21,261 NO, SHE... SHE'S MY LAB PARTNER. 59 00:02:21,262 --> 00:02:22,892 NO NO NO. SHE GAVE YOU THE SHOULDER BRUSH. 60 00:02:22,893 --> 00:02:24,314 - SHE LIKES YOU. - WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 61 00:02:24,315 --> 00:02:25,525 WHEN SHE WALKED OUT THE DOOR, 62 00:02:25,526 --> 00:02:26,766 SHE GAVE YOU THE SHOULDER BRUSH. 63 00:02:26,767 --> 00:02:29,479 SHE WAS MARKING YOU, BUDDY. 64 00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:31,941 "THIS ONE'S MINE." 65 00:02:31,942 --> 00:02:33,613 JOE, YOU SERIOUSLY THINK THAT? 66 00:02:33,614 --> 00:02:34,984 I'M JUST NOT MAKING THIS STUFF UP, PAL. 67 00:02:34,985 --> 00:02:36,946 A GIRL GAVE ME THE SHOULDER BRUSH ONCE... 68 00:02:36,947 --> 00:02:38,778 WE DIDN'T COME OUT OF HER APARTMENT FOR THREE DAYS. 69 00:02:38,779 --> 00:02:40,331 WAS IT SNOWING OR SOMETHING? 70 00:02:41,912 --> 00:02:44,244 OH! OH. 71 00:02:44,245 --> 00:02:45,955 SO YOU GOING TO ASK HER OUT? 72 00:02:45,956 --> 00:02:47,837 UH, NO. THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. 73 00:02:47,838 --> 00:02:50,590 SHE'S... SHE'S GOT A LOT OF STUFF GOING ON IN HER LIFE. 74 00:02:50,591 --> 00:02:53,002 - IN FACT, SHE'S ACTUALLY... - I'M HEARING A LOT OF EXCUSES. 75 00:02:53,003 --> 00:02:55,255 THE QUESTION IS: IF YOU COULD, WOULD YOU GO OUT WITH HER? 76 00:02:55,256 --> 00:02:57,387 SURE, BUT I DON'T THINK IT WOULD WORK. 77 00:02:57,388 --> 00:02:59,599 IF YOU REALLY WANT TO, YOU CAN MAKE IT WORK. 78 00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:01,431 BUT, JOE, I DON'T THINK YOU'RE HEARING ME. 79 00:03:01,432 --> 00:03:03,473 WHAT I WAS TRYING TO SAY IS THAT... 80 00:03:03,474 --> 00:03:05,225 DUDE, HERE COMES ANOTHER EXCUSE. 81 00:03:05,226 --> 00:03:07,937 SHOULDER BRUSH... BOOM. CASE CLOSED. 82 00:03:07,938 --> 00:03:09,309 YOU KNOW WHAT... YOU'RE RIGHT. 83 00:03:09,310 --> 00:03:11,941 I WILL ASK HER OUT. WELL, THANKS, JOE. 84 00:03:11,942 --> 00:03:12,903 NO NEED TO THANK ME. 85 00:03:12,904 --> 00:03:15,575 JUST CONSIDER IT A PUBLIC SERVICE. 86 00:03:15,576 --> 00:03:17,026 I JUST GAVE YOU A FREE SCHOLARSHIP, BUDDY, 87 00:03:17,027 --> 00:03:20,661 TO THE LONGO INSTITUTE OF LADY-LOVING. 88 00:03:24,875 --> 00:03:27,667 DON'T TELL YOUR AUNT THAT'S WHAT I CALL THAT COLLEGE. 89 00:03:27,668 --> 00:03:28,749 YEAH, UNDERSTOOD. 90 00:03:31,332 --> 00:03:33,593 AND THIS IS MY BOYFRIEND, JOE LONGO. 91 00:03:33,594 --> 00:03:35,004 HELLO. HI. 92 00:03:35,005 --> 00:03:36,336 HE'S A WAITER. 93 00:03:36,337 --> 00:03:38,838 I LIKE SHOWING YOU OFF. CAN'T I BE PROUD? 94 00:03:38,839 --> 00:03:40,720 SHE'S RIGHT TO BE PROUD. 95 00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:42,682 HAVING A GOOD-LOOKING PIECE OF MAN MEAT ON YOUR ARM 96 00:03:42,683 --> 00:03:44,894 NEVER HURT A CAMPAIGN. 97 00:03:44,895 --> 00:03:45,975 OH, SORRY TO CALL YOU "MAN MEAT." 98 00:03:45,976 --> 00:03:46,976 NO, I'M OKAY WITH THAT. 99 00:03:46,977 --> 00:03:48,518 YOU'RE JUST CALLING IT HOW YOU SEE IT. 100 00:03:48,519 --> 00:03:49,899 JOE, YOU KNOW JANEY. 101 00:03:49,900 --> 00:03:50,900 SHE'S HANDLING MY CAMPAIGN FOR NEXT YEAR. 102 00:03:50,901 --> 00:03:52,442 ABSOLUTELY. THAT'S A SMART MOVE. 103 00:03:52,443 --> 00:03:54,354 SHE'S GOT EXCELLENT TASTE IN... 104 00:03:54,355 --> 00:03:56,025 IN MAN MEAT. 105 00:03:56,026 --> 00:03:57,947 ACTUALLY, I'M A PESCATARIAN. 106 00:03:57,948 --> 00:03:59,068 YOU AND ME BOTH, BABY. 107 00:03:59,069 --> 00:04:01,911 CAN I GET YOU LADIES SOMETHING FROM THE BAR? 108 00:04:01,912 --> 00:04:03,863 OH, NO DRINKING FOR ME. THIS IS A WORK EVENT. 109 00:04:03,864 --> 00:04:06,786 PUT IT IN A WATER GLASS, KEEP IT CLEAR. 110 00:04:06,787 --> 00:04:08,788 SHE'S GOOD. 111 00:04:08,789 --> 00:04:10,790 STEALTH MARTINI, COMING RIGHT UP. 112 00:04:10,791 --> 00:04:13,002 HEY, MEL, HEADS UP. THAT REPORTER FROM "THE HERALD," 113 00:04:13,003 --> 00:04:14,043 THE ONE WITH THE BAD BREATH... 114 00:04:14,044 --> 00:04:15,965 OKAY, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO BE MORE SPECIFIC. 115 00:04:15,966 --> 00:04:17,837 KIND OF GARLICKY SMELLING... 116 00:04:17,838 --> 00:04:19,258 NO NO NO. DO YOU HAVE A NAME? 117 00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:21,010 BILL NITSKI. 118 00:04:21,011 --> 00:04:23,222 HE'S GOING TO ASK YOU ABOUT BELLFLOWER CONCERT HALL. 119 00:04:23,223 --> 00:04:26,015 THE HISTORICAL SOCIETY'S MAKING ANOTHER RUN 120 00:04:26,016 --> 00:04:27,186 TO SAVE THAT PRECIOUS DUMP. 121 00:04:27,187 --> 00:04:28,598 BUT THE DEVELOPERS WANT TO TEAR IT DOWN. 122 00:04:28,599 --> 00:04:30,770 - SO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IS... - MAKE EVERYBODY THINK 123 00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:32,231 - I'M ON THEIR SIDE. - SO JUST CHARM HIM. 124 00:04:32,232 --> 00:04:35,195 NO SWEAT. NOT MY FIRST TIME AT THE BUTT-KISSING RODEO. 125 00:04:36,397 --> 00:04:37,947 ( laughs ) 126 00:04:37,948 --> 00:04:39,899 PEOPLE ASK ME ABOUT MEL BURKE, 127 00:04:39,900 --> 00:04:40,900 AND I SAY, "I DON'T KNOW." 128 00:04:40,901 --> 00:04:42,532 SO I GOTTA ASK YOU THE BIG QUESTION... 129 00:04:42,533 --> 00:04:44,243 LET ME GUESS. WHO AM I WEARING? 130 00:04:44,244 --> 00:04:46,536 I'D RATHER KNOW WHAT YOU'RE HIDING. 131 00:04:46,537 --> 00:04:48,538 WHAT'S YOUR OPINION ON BELLFLOWER HALL? 132 00:04:48,539 --> 00:04:50,249 WELL, BILL, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE ARE PASSIONATE 133 00:04:50,250 --> 00:04:51,961 ON BOTH SIDES OF THIS COMPLICATED ISSUE. 134 00:04:51,962 --> 00:04:53,963 I'M NOT PLAYING DODGEBALL, BURKE. 135 00:04:53,964 --> 00:04:56,175 TEAR DOWN THE CONCERT HALL... YES OR NO? 136 00:04:56,176 --> 00:04:57,967 LOOK, UNTIL WE HEAR FROM THE MAYOR'S COMMISSION, 137 00:04:57,968 --> 00:04:59,969 CAN ANYONE REALLY SAY WHAT SHOULD BE DONE? 138 00:04:59,970 --> 00:05:01,761 I CAN. 139 00:05:01,762 --> 00:05:03,553 KNOCK THAT OLD HEAP OFF THE MAP. 140 00:05:03,554 --> 00:05:04,974 GIVE ME A SLEDGEHAMMER IN FIVE MINUTES. 141 00:05:04,975 --> 00:05:07,096 - I'LL DO IT MYSELF. - AND YOU ARE? 142 00:05:07,097 --> 00:05:09,519 OH, I'M JOE LONGO. I'M MEL'S BOYFRIEND. 143 00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:11,351 I'M JUST SAYING ANYONE WITH HALF A BRAIN 144 00:05:11,352 --> 00:05:13,312 CAN REALIZE THAT RICKETY OLD HEAP 145 00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:15,815 IS JUST BEGGING TO BE PUT OUT OF ITS MISERY. 146 00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:17,697 YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE A TUMOR-RIDDLED DOG, 147 00:05:17,698 --> 00:05:19,609 JUST LOOKING TOWARDS DEATH. 148 00:05:19,610 --> 00:05:21,821 I MEAN, SURE, EVERYBODY LOVES FIDO, 149 00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:23,783 BUT AT SOME POINT YOU GOTTA SAY, 150 00:05:23,784 --> 00:05:27,286 "FIDO, THERE'S A FRISBEE IN HEAVEN WITH YOUR NAME ON IT. 151 00:05:27,287 --> 00:05:28,908 ( chuckling ) 152 00:05:28,909 --> 00:05:30,580 YOU KNOW, ONE THING ABOUT JOE... 153 00:05:30,581 --> 00:05:33,623 HE IS SURE HANDSOME, ISN'T HE? 154 00:05:33,624 --> 00:05:36,335 THANK YOU FOR INVITING JOE, MEL. 155 00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:37,417 TALKING TO SOMEONE LIKE JOE 156 00:05:37,418 --> 00:05:40,220 MAKES MY JOB A LOT EASIER. 157 00:05:41,882 --> 00:05:43,513 SEEMS LIKE A NICE FELLA. 158 00:05:43,514 --> 00:05:44,884 ANYONE ELSE YOU WANT ME TO TALK TO? 159 00:05:44,885 --> 00:05:45,806 I CAN REALLY TALK ABOUT ANYTHING. 160 00:05:45,807 --> 00:05:48,888 THE MIDDLE EAST, RELIGION... 161 00:05:48,889 --> 00:05:51,561 I'M GONNA GO DO DAMAGE CONTROL. 162 00:05:51,562 --> 00:05:52,892 ( sighs ) 163 00:05:52,893 --> 00:05:54,233 WHY COULDN'T YOU DATE A CUTE GUY 164 00:05:54,234 --> 00:05:55,645 WHO DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING? 165 00:05:55,646 --> 00:05:57,067 I MEAN, THEY'RE EVERYWHERE! 166 00:05:58,939 --> 00:06:00,029 DAMAGE CONTROL? FOR WHAT? 167 00:06:00,030 --> 00:06:02,241 - ( inhales ) - HMM. 168 00:06:02,242 --> 00:06:03,983 THAT'S A NEW LOOK ON YOU. 169 00:06:03,984 --> 00:06:07,537 YOU'RE ALMOST SMILING, BUT YOUR... 170 00:06:07,538 --> 00:06:09,118 YOUR EYES ARE VERY ANGRY. 171 00:06:09,119 --> 00:06:11,492 LISTEN TO THE EYES, JOE. 172 00:06:14,915 --> 00:06:16,836 OKAY, THESE ARE THE THREE LATEST "CASSANDRA" STORIES 173 00:06:16,837 --> 00:06:18,167 FOR THE WEB SERIES. 174 00:06:18,168 --> 00:06:19,208 THANKS FOR PRINTING THEM OUT. 175 00:06:19,209 --> 00:06:20,800 IT'S A 12-HOUR DRIVE TO VERMONT, 176 00:06:20,801 --> 00:06:21,961 SO THIS WILL GIVE ME SOMETHING TO READ 177 00:06:21,962 --> 00:06:23,673 WHILE MY DAD'S YELLING AT TALK RADIO. 178 00:06:23,674 --> 00:06:26,716 READING ON THE ROAD? DON'T GET CARSICK. 179 00:06:26,717 --> 00:06:28,848 AW, THANKS. YOU STILL CARE ABOUT ME. 180 00:06:28,849 --> 00:06:30,600 NO, I JUST DON'T WANT YOU BLOWING CHUNKS 181 00:06:30,601 --> 00:06:31,932 ALL OVER MY BEAUTIFUL STORIES. 182 00:06:33,724 --> 00:06:35,144 LESS SWEET, BUT OKAY. 183 00:06:35,145 --> 00:06:37,937 WELL, HERE WE ARE, 184 00:06:37,938 --> 00:06:39,519 TWO EXES... 185 00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:41,360 ONE OF THEM GOING AWAY TO COLLEGE 186 00:06:41,361 --> 00:06:43,823 FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS. 187 00:06:43,824 --> 00:06:46,696 IT'S THE BIG GOODBYE. 188 00:06:46,697 --> 00:06:49,789 I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. 189 00:06:49,790 --> 00:06:51,831 HOW ABOUT "GOODBYE"? 190 00:06:51,832 --> 00:06:54,584 GOODBYE, YEAH... THAT'S WHY YOU'RE THE WRITER. 191 00:06:54,585 --> 00:06:57,997 YOU'RE SO GOOD WITH WORDS. 192 00:06:57,998 --> 00:06:58,959 GOODBYE, LENNOX. 193 00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:00,541 GOODBYE, ZANDER. 194 00:07:03,383 --> 00:07:05,926 GOODBYE, LENNOX. 195 00:07:06,967 --> 00:07:08,307 YOU JUST SAID THAT. 196 00:07:08,308 --> 00:07:10,930 RIGHT. 197 00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:12,052 ALL RIGHT, SEE YOU. 198 00:07:14,765 --> 00:07:16,015 WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT? 199 00:07:16,016 --> 00:07:18,017 YOU KNOW, HE'S JUST HAVING DIFFICULTY 200 00:07:18,018 --> 00:07:19,689 ACCEPTING THAT WE'RE NOT A COUPLE ANYMORE. 201 00:07:19,690 --> 00:07:22,321 BUT WE'RE GONNA BE HUNDREDS OF MILES AWAY FROM EACH OTHER. 202 00:07:22,322 --> 00:07:23,943 SO THIS IS FOR THE BEST. 203 00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:26,445 IT'S TIME HE JUST LETS GO AND STARTS DATING OTHER GUYS. 204 00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:28,367 - GUYS? - GIRLS. 205 00:07:28,368 --> 00:07:29,989 OF COURSE GIRLS. 206 00:07:29,990 --> 00:07:31,871 IF I SAID "GUYS," I'D BE TALKING ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE, 207 00:07:31,872 --> 00:07:33,533 AND I'M NOT. CAN WE JUST DROP IT? 208 00:07:33,534 --> 00:07:35,454 OKAY. 209 00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:36,956 I MEAN, YOU SAW HIM. 210 00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:38,167 HE WAS TRYING TO SNEAK IN ONE LAST KISS 211 00:07:38,168 --> 00:07:39,418 BEFORE HE LEFT. 212 00:07:39,419 --> 00:07:41,210 IT'S OVER, PAL. 213 00:07:41,211 --> 00:07:44,003 WHO ARE YOU ARGUING WITH? 214 00:07:44,004 --> 00:07:45,384 TRUST ME... IF ZANDER AND I TRIED 215 00:07:45,385 --> 00:07:46,926 TO HAVE A LONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP, 216 00:07:46,927 --> 00:07:47,927 ALL WE WOULD DO IS FIGHT. 217 00:07:47,928 --> 00:07:50,009 AND WHO WOULD WANT A RELATIONSHIP LIKE THAT? 218 00:07:50,010 --> 00:07:51,430 I CAN'T TAKE YOU ANYWHERE! 219 00:07:51,431 --> 00:07:52,802 OH, PLEASE, I WAS DOING YOU A FAVOR. 220 00:07:52,803 --> 00:07:53,893 WHY DID YOU HAVE TO OPEN YOUR BIG MOUTH? 221 00:07:53,894 --> 00:07:55,805 I JUST SAID WHAT EVERYBODY ELSE WAS THINKING. 222 00:07:55,806 --> 00:07:58,017 OH, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M THINKING... WHY DID I BRING YOU TO THAT EVENT? 223 00:07:58,018 --> 00:07:59,398 OH, I MADE YOU LOOK GOOD. I'M AN ASSET. 224 00:07:59,399 --> 00:08:01,811 IT'S PRONOUNCED "ASS HAT." 225 00:08:01,812 --> 00:08:03,813 WHAT DID I DO THAT WAS SO WRONG? 226 00:08:03,814 --> 00:08:05,154 ALL I DID WAS TELL THE TRUTH. 227 00:08:05,155 --> 00:08:07,316 THE TRUTH IS TAKING A STAND ON THIS ISSUE RIGHT NOW 228 00:08:07,317 --> 00:08:09,529 COULD END MY STATE SENATE CAMPAIGN BEFORE IT EVEN BEGINS. 229 00:08:09,530 --> 00:08:12,281 I UNDERSTAND HOW IMPORTANT VOTES ARE IN YOUR BUSINESS. 230 00:08:12,282 --> 00:08:14,704 BUT EVEN YOU YOURSELF SAID THAT CONCERT HALL IS ABOUT TO FALL DOWN. 231 00:08:14,705 --> 00:08:17,957 SO IS MY MOM'S FACE, BUT I'M NOT GONNA YANK IT OFF MYSELF. 232 00:08:17,958 --> 00:08:20,039 IT'S NOT JUST UGLY, ALL RIGHT, IT'S A HAZARD. 233 00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:22,752 THAT'S MY MOTHER YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. 234 00:08:22,753 --> 00:08:24,123 OH. THE CONCERT HALL. 235 00:08:24,124 --> 00:08:25,254 OR IN YOUR WORDS... 236 00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:28,337 FIDO, THE SAD, OLD TUMOR DOG. 237 00:08:28,338 --> 00:08:30,760 JOE, WHAT YOU SAY AT THESE EVENTS REFLECTS ON ME. 238 00:08:30,761 --> 00:08:31,931 WE'RE TREATED AS A UNIT NOW. 239 00:08:31,932 --> 00:08:33,392 YEAH, WELL, ONE HALF OF US GETS TO SPEAK 240 00:08:33,393 --> 00:08:35,224 - AND THE OTHER HALF DOESN'T. - EXACTLY! 241 00:08:35,225 --> 00:08:37,016 AND JUST LIKE THE PRESIDENT. 242 00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:39,188 THE FIRST LADY DOESN'T CHIME IN ON FOREIGN POLICY. 243 00:08:39,189 --> 00:08:40,810 SHE JUST SHAKES HANDS AND STARES LOVINGLY 244 00:08:40,811 --> 00:08:43,853 AT HER WISE, POWERFUL SPOUSE. 245 00:08:43,854 --> 00:08:45,524 SO I'M MICHELLE OBAMA. 246 00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:47,236 PEOPLE LOVE HER. 247 00:08:47,237 --> 00:08:48,738 BE LOVED, JOE. 248 00:08:48,739 --> 00:08:51,821 BE SILENT AND LOVED. 249 00:08:51,822 --> 00:08:52,952 YOU JUST DON'T WANT ME TO BE ME. 250 00:08:52,953 --> 00:08:54,704 ONLY IN PUBLIC. 251 00:08:54,705 --> 00:08:56,535 WHEN NO ONE'S AROUND, YOU CAN BE YOU ALL YOU LIKE. 252 00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:58,828 JOE IT ALL UP IN HERE. 253 00:08:58,829 --> 00:09:00,209 OH, GREAT! ALL RIGHT. SO WHEN WE'RE HOME, 254 00:09:00,210 --> 00:09:01,961 FROM NOW ON, I'LL MAKE SURE I CLOSE ALL THE DRAPES. 255 00:09:01,962 --> 00:09:03,753 THAT WAY NONE OF THE NEIGHBORS WILL HAVE TO SEE THE REAL ME. 256 00:09:03,754 --> 00:09:05,424 PLEASE, JOE. 257 00:09:05,425 --> 00:09:07,046 IF THE NEIGHBORS ARE PEEKING IN THE WINDOW, 258 00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:08,629 THEY'RE DEFINITELY LOOKING AT ME. 259 00:09:16,727 --> 00:09:17,767 I JUST SAID WHAT I WAS THINKING. 260 00:09:17,768 --> 00:09:18,888 IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH MEL. 261 00:09:18,889 --> 00:09:20,890 MM, THIS FROM "THE TOLEDO HERALD"... 262 00:09:20,891 --> 00:09:23,643 "WELL, IF MEL BURKE'S BOYFRIEND SPEAKS FOR HER, 263 00:09:23,644 --> 00:09:24,984 THE CITY HAS NO INTENTION 264 00:09:24,985 --> 00:09:26,105 OF SAVING BELLFLOWER HALL. 265 00:09:26,106 --> 00:09:27,356 PERHAPS, IN THE FUTURE, IF WE WANT TO KNOW 266 00:09:27,357 --> 00:09:29,779 WHAT THE WAFFLING COUNCILWOMAN THINKS, 267 00:09:29,780 --> 00:09:33,953 WE SHOULD JUST TALK TO HER FEARLESSLY OPINIONATED DATE." 268 00:09:33,954 --> 00:09:35,955 YOU GONNA BLAME THAT ON ME? 269 00:09:35,956 --> 00:09:39,288 YOU THINK A DENVER OMELET WILL HELP SMOOTH THINGS OVER WITH YOUR AUNT? 270 00:09:39,289 --> 00:09:41,411 YOU SURE AS HELL BETTER NOT MAKE HER A WAFFLE. 271 00:09:43,253 --> 00:09:44,964 MORNING, LENNOX. 272 00:09:44,965 --> 00:09:45,966 YOU. 273 00:09:46,757 --> 00:09:48,507 YOU'RE UP EARLY. 274 00:09:48,508 --> 00:09:51,050 YEAH, WELL, MY PHONE STARTED RINGING AT 5:00 THIS MORNING. 275 00:09:51,051 --> 00:09:52,712 NOW I HAVE AN EMERGENCY MEETING 276 00:09:52,713 --> 00:09:54,593 WITH THE HISTORICAL SOCIETY TO CALM THEM DOWN. 277 00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,425 OH, AND THEN I HAVE SENSITIVITY TRAINING 278 00:09:56,426 --> 00:09:57,767 AT THE HUMANE SOCIETY. 279 00:09:57,768 --> 00:10:00,099 THEY WANT ME TO SPEND THE AFTERNOON AT A DOG HOSPICE. 280 00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:01,891 IT'S GONNA BE A GREAT DAY. 281 00:10:01,892 --> 00:10:03,893 MEL... 282 00:10:03,894 --> 00:10:05,394 I'M SORRY. 283 00:10:05,395 --> 00:10:07,396 ALL RIGHT? I GET IT NOW. 284 00:10:07,397 --> 00:10:08,938 THERE'S A TIME AND A PLACE FOR MY OPINIONS 285 00:10:08,939 --> 00:10:10,069 AND LAST NIGHT WASN'T ONE OF THEM. 286 00:10:10,070 --> 00:10:11,901 SO I SHOULD JUST LEARN TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT 287 00:10:11,902 --> 00:10:13,362 AT YOUR WORK FUNCTIONS, AND FROM NOW ON, 288 00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:14,533 THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M GOING TO DO. 289 00:10:14,534 --> 00:10:16,866 - YOU REALLY MEAN THAT? - YES, I DO. 290 00:10:16,867 --> 00:10:19,368 IN FACT, I'VE EVEN BEEN WORKING ON MY ADMIRING 291 00:10:19,369 --> 00:10:21,581 AND LOVING FIRST-LADY GAZE. 292 00:10:25,746 --> 00:10:27,507 IT'S A LOT HARDER THAN IT LOOKS. 293 00:10:29,509 --> 00:10:31,171 WELL, I THINK YOU'D MAKE A GREAT FIRST LADY. 294 00:10:33,593 --> 00:10:35,634 I'M SORRY. 295 00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,556 YOU'RE PROBABLY WEIRDED OUT BY ALL THIS FIRST-LADY TALK. 296 00:10:37,557 --> 00:10:38,637 - LET ME EXPLAIN. - NO NO NO. 297 00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:39,759 THAT'S TOTALLY UNNECESSARY. 298 00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:42,853 WHATEVER YOU TWO NEED TO KEEP IT FRESH. 299 00:10:45,976 --> 00:10:47,727 I DON'T KNOW. 300 00:10:47,728 --> 00:10:50,479 I THINK, ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS, 301 00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:53,482 THE DATA ALL POINTS TO US GETTING COFFEE TOGETHER. 302 00:10:53,483 --> 00:10:54,904 - WHAT? - WHAT? 303 00:10:54,905 --> 00:10:57,156 SORRY, THAT WAS OUT OF LINE. 304 00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:59,578 THE DATA ALL POINTS TO US GETTING... 305 00:10:59,579 --> 00:11:01,330 - ( sighs ) - FROZEN YOGURT, MAYBE? 306 00:11:01,331 --> 00:11:03,662 YOU'RE VERY SWEET, 307 00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:05,334 BUT I HAVE SO MUCH GOING ON RIGHT NOW 308 00:11:05,335 --> 00:11:07,167 AND IT WOULD JUST MAKE THINGS COMPLICATED. 309 00:11:09,249 --> 00:11:13,383 STELLA, ALL I'M HEARING ARE EXCUSES HERE. 310 00:11:14,755 --> 00:11:16,846 I THINK WE CAN MAKE THIS WORK IF WE REALLY WANT TO. 311 00:11:16,847 --> 00:11:18,758 YOU REALLY THINK YOU CAN HANDLE 312 00:11:18,759 --> 00:11:20,349 GOING OUT WITH SOMEONE LIKE ME? 313 00:11:20,350 --> 00:11:22,641 HONESTLY, I'M SCARED OUT OF MY MIND. 314 00:11:22,642 --> 00:11:25,474 BUT... I'M HAPPY TO GO DOWN TRYING. 315 00:11:25,475 --> 00:11:27,767 WELL, WE DO HAVE CHEMISTRY. 316 00:11:27,768 --> 00:11:30,269 DO YOU MEAN THE CLASS 317 00:11:30,270 --> 00:11:32,191 OR DO YOU ACTUALLY KIND OF LIKE ME? 318 00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:33,773 WHAT DO YOU THINK? 319 00:11:33,774 --> 00:11:35,905 RIGHT. ( chuckles ) 320 00:11:35,906 --> 00:11:37,026 ( clears throat ) 321 00:11:37,027 --> 00:11:38,367 NO, SERIOUSLY, THOUGH. WHICH ONE? 322 00:11:38,368 --> 00:11:39,448 I WANT TO MAKE SURE. 323 00:11:39,449 --> 00:11:40,700 ( chuckles ) 324 00:11:42,873 --> 00:11:45,745 LENNOX, COULD YOU TAKE THIS TO THE DRY CLEANER FOR ME? 325 00:11:45,746 --> 00:11:47,827 I HAVE THE POLICEMAN'S BALL THIS THURSDAY. 326 00:11:47,828 --> 00:11:49,168 ( gasps ) OH, WOW. 327 00:11:49,169 --> 00:11:51,420 AUNT MEL, THIS IS BEAUTIFUL. 328 00:11:51,421 --> 00:11:54,293 YOU AND JOE ARE GOING TO BE THE MOST EPIC COUPLE THERE. 329 00:11:54,294 --> 00:11:56,425 MM-HMM, MM-HMM, YEAH. HE'S NOT GOING. 330 00:11:56,426 --> 00:12:00,259 OH, SO I'M TAKING THE DRESS TO THE DRY CLEANER'S 331 00:12:00,260 --> 00:12:02,972 BECAUSE JOE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT ANY OF THIS. 332 00:12:02,973 --> 00:12:04,974 I DIDN'T SAY THAT, BUT YES. 333 00:12:04,975 --> 00:12:07,476 BUT HE PROMISED HE'D BE QUIET FROM NOW ON. 334 00:12:07,477 --> 00:12:09,688 LOOK, I LOVE JOE, BUT I KNOW JOE. 335 00:12:09,689 --> 00:12:11,060 SURE, HE THINKS HE CAN KEEP HIS MOUTH SHUT. 336 00:12:11,061 --> 00:12:13,232 HE ALSO THINKS HIS SHIRTS ARE NEVER TOO TIGHT. 337 00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:14,814 SOMEONE WILL ASK HIM ABOUT AN ISSUE, 338 00:12:14,815 --> 00:12:16,856 AND HE'LL TRY HIS BEST TO HOLD IT IN, 339 00:12:16,857 --> 00:12:18,527 - BUT IN THE END... - HE'LL BLOW LIKE A VOLCANO. 340 00:12:18,528 --> 00:12:19,568 BIG TIME. 341 00:12:19,569 --> 00:12:21,120 AND THE VERBAL LAVA WILL DESTROY 342 00:12:21,121 --> 00:12:23,322 THE TINY TOWN OF ME-VILLE. 343 00:12:23,323 --> 00:12:25,955 SO I'VE DECIDED TO GO TO THE BALL BY MYSELF. 344 00:12:25,956 --> 00:12:27,997 IN THE BEST INTEREST OF MY RELATIONSHIP. 345 00:12:27,998 --> 00:12:29,829 AND THE BEST INTEREST OF YOUR CAREER. 346 00:12:29,830 --> 00:12:31,921 EVERYBODY WINS. ME TWICE. 347 00:12:31,922 --> 00:12:33,542 YEAH, BUT WON'T JOE KIND OF NOTICE 348 00:12:33,543 --> 00:12:34,753 THAT YOU WENT TO THE BALL WITHOUT HIM? 349 00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:36,375 BUT LUCKILY HE HAS PLANS THAT NIGHT 350 00:12:36,376 --> 00:12:37,797 DOING SOMETHING HE ABSOLUTELY LOVES. 351 00:12:37,798 --> 00:12:39,138 - OH, WHAT'S THAT? - I DON'T KNOW YET. 352 00:12:39,139 --> 00:12:41,301 BUT I'M WORKING ON IT. 353 00:12:45,595 --> 00:12:48,017 DUDE... I TOLD YOU BEFORE, MAN. 354 00:12:48,018 --> 00:12:49,518 IF YOU WANT THAT THING TO MAKE TOAST, 355 00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:52,191 YOU GOTTA PUT BREAD IN IT. 356 00:12:52,192 --> 00:12:54,814 NO, I WAS JUST CHECKING MY EYEBROWS FOR STRAYS. 357 00:12:54,815 --> 00:12:57,106 'CAUSE I GOT A DATE TONIGHT WITH STELLA, 358 00:12:57,107 --> 00:12:58,898 AND I WANT EVERYTHING TO BE PERFECT. 359 00:12:58,899 --> 00:13:00,609 NICE! ALL RIGHT. WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE HER? 360 00:13:00,610 --> 00:13:01,821 A FANCY RESTAURANT, THE MOVIES, WHAT? 361 00:13:01,822 --> 00:13:04,073 THE LIVING ROOM. 362 00:13:04,074 --> 00:13:06,495 LADIES, THEY LOVE A BIG SPENDER. 363 00:13:06,496 --> 00:13:08,958 NO, ACTUALLY, SHE WANTED TO COME OVER HERE. 364 00:13:08,959 --> 00:13:10,960 SHE SAID IT'D BE COZIER. 365 00:13:10,961 --> 00:13:12,251 LOOK AT YOU! 366 00:13:12,252 --> 00:13:13,672 GETTING YOURSELF A ROMANTIC EVENING 367 00:13:13,673 --> 00:13:15,084 WITHOUT HAVING TO SHELL OUT A DIME. 368 00:13:15,085 --> 00:13:18,007 MAYBE I COULD LEARN A LESSON FROM YOU. 369 00:13:18,008 --> 00:13:20,299 NO, WHO AM I KIDDING? 370 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:21,720 HELLO, MY MEN. 371 00:13:21,721 --> 00:13:22,922 HEY! GOOD NEWS HERE. 372 00:13:22,923 --> 00:13:24,383 YOUNG SQUIRE JUST SECURED HIMSELF A DATE 373 00:13:24,384 --> 00:13:25,885 WITH HIS STUDY PARTNER STELLA. 374 00:13:25,886 --> 00:13:27,226 - THANKS TO WHO? - YOU, JOE. 375 00:13:27,227 --> 00:13:28,347 THERE IT IS. 376 00:13:28,348 --> 00:13:29,849 WOW, NICE WORK. 377 00:13:29,850 --> 00:13:31,310 BUT IF YOU REALLY WANT TO IMPRESS HER, 378 00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:33,692 YOU SHOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT ALL THAT NOSE HAIR UP THERE. 379 00:13:33,693 --> 00:13:36,316 OH, GOD, IT'S LIKE A RAIN FOREST UP THERE. 380 00:13:37,898 --> 00:13:39,899 SO YOU'RE TEACHING THE KID SOME MOVES? 381 00:13:39,900 --> 00:13:41,240 YEAH! WELL, YOU KNOW, LAST YEAR I HELPED HIM 382 00:13:41,241 --> 00:13:42,862 BRING UP HIS GRADES. 383 00:13:42,863 --> 00:13:45,995 AND THIS YEAR I'M HELPING HIM TO BRING UP HIS... 384 00:13:45,996 --> 00:13:48,747 I GOT HIM A DATE. 385 00:13:48,748 --> 00:13:50,539 WELL, YOU'RE A GOOD GUY, JOE. 386 00:13:50,540 --> 00:13:51,750 AND YOU KNOW WHAT WE GET GOOD GUYS? 387 00:13:51,751 --> 00:13:55,164 A GREAT SEAT AT THE MUD HENS GAME TONIGHT. 388 00:13:55,165 --> 00:13:57,666 WHAT? THESE ARE RIGHT BEHIND THE DUGOUT. 389 00:13:57,667 --> 00:13:58,878 MEL, THAT'S AWESOME. 390 00:13:58,879 --> 00:14:00,299 IT'S JUST ONE TICKET, THOUGH. 391 00:14:00,300 --> 00:14:01,510 I CAN'T LEAVE YOU HERE ALL BY YOURSELF. 392 00:14:01,511 --> 00:14:02,882 YES, YOU CAN. THAT'S THE POINT. 393 00:14:02,883 --> 00:14:06,926 BECAUSE I HAVE THIS BORING WORK THING TONIGHT. 394 00:14:06,927 --> 00:14:09,388 JUST BORING POLICE DEPARTMENT... BORING. 395 00:14:09,389 --> 00:14:11,891 SO AT LEAST ONE OF US WILL HAVE FUN TONIGHT. 396 00:14:11,892 --> 00:14:13,102 YOU BETTER GET GOING, THOUGH, 397 00:14:13,103 --> 00:14:14,183 IF YOU'RE GONNA SEE THE FIRST PITCH. 398 00:14:14,184 --> 00:14:15,564 YEAH, I'M JUST GONNA TAKE A QUICK PEE. 399 00:14:15,565 --> 00:14:17,476 ( stammers ) JUST GO AT THE STADIUM. 400 00:14:17,477 --> 00:14:21,190 URINALS ARE SO MUCH MORE FUN THAN BORING OLD TOILETS. 401 00:14:21,191 --> 00:14:22,242 YOU'RE NOT WRONG. 402 00:14:28,618 --> 00:14:30,699 - HEY. - HEY. 403 00:14:30,700 --> 00:14:31,911 WHAT'S UP WITH YOU? 404 00:14:31,912 --> 00:14:33,582 OH, YOUR AUNT GOT ME THIS AWESOME SEAT 405 00:14:33,583 --> 00:14:34,914 FOR TONIGHT'S MUD HENS GAME, 406 00:14:34,915 --> 00:14:36,705 AND I FORGOT MY LUCKY NUMBER ONE FOAM FINGER. 407 00:14:36,706 --> 00:14:38,707 I'M NOT SAYING IT'S RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THEIR VICTORIES, 408 00:14:38,708 --> 00:14:39,878 BUT, YOU KNOW... 409 00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:41,631 WHEN I BRING IT, THEY WIN. 410 00:14:45,055 --> 00:14:47,386 LENNOX, RYDER! I'M LEAVING! 411 00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:48,847 IF JOE GETS BACK BEFORE ME, JUST... 412 00:14:48,848 --> 00:14:51,811 TELL HIM I LOVE HIM WITH ALL OF MY HEART. 413 00:14:53,063 --> 00:14:55,895 YOU. 414 00:15:02,152 --> 00:15:04,363 IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK. 415 00:15:04,364 --> 00:15:05,574 REALLY? 416 00:15:05,575 --> 00:15:07,076 SO I THINK YOU SENT ME TO A BASEBALL GAME TONIGHT 417 00:15:07,077 --> 00:15:08,327 SO YOU COULD DITCH ME. 418 00:15:08,328 --> 00:15:09,788 SO YOU CAN GO TO YOUR FANCY PARTY. 419 00:15:09,789 --> 00:15:12,121 ( scoffs ) WHERE'D YOU GET A CRAZY IDEA LIKE THAT? 420 00:15:12,122 --> 00:15:14,033 LET'S SEE HERE... 421 00:15:14,034 --> 00:15:15,834 "YOU ARE CORDIALLY INVITED TO THE 41ST ANNUAL 422 00:15:15,835 --> 00:15:19,668 TOLEDO POLICEMAN'S BALL... MEL BURKE PLUS ONE." 423 00:15:19,669 --> 00:15:20,919 SO YOU DIDN'T BELIEVE ME WHEN I TOLD YOU 424 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,421 I WAS GOING TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT. 425 00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:23,502 YOU'RE EMBARRASSED TO BE SEEN WITH ME. 426 00:15:23,503 --> 00:15:25,544 NO, I LOVE BEING SEEN WITH YOU. 427 00:15:25,545 --> 00:15:28,097 ALWAYS. WELL, 95% OF THE TIME. 428 00:15:28,098 --> 00:15:30,429 WHICH IS A SUPER-HIGH NUMBER. 429 00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:31,720 SO YOU'RE ONLY EMBARRASSED TO BE SEEN WITH ME 430 00:15:31,721 --> 00:15:33,812 - 5% OF THE TIME? - WHICH IS GREAT! 431 00:15:33,813 --> 00:15:35,184 BECAUSE BEFORE YOU, MY BEST BOYFRIENDS 432 00:15:35,185 --> 00:15:37,606 WERE LIKE 20-30% EMBARRASSING. 433 00:15:37,607 --> 00:15:40,019 THAT'S 100% NOT HELPING. 434 00:15:40,020 --> 00:15:42,821 JOE, I WAS WRONG TO TRY TO SNEAK OUT. 435 00:15:42,822 --> 00:15:44,193 PLEASE COME TO THE BALL WITH ME. 436 00:15:44,194 --> 00:15:45,364 NO, FORGET IT. 437 00:15:45,365 --> 00:15:46,615 I'M GOING TO GO TO MY PITY GAME TONIGHT. 438 00:15:46,616 --> 00:15:47,906 IT'S MUZZLE NIGHT. 439 00:15:47,907 --> 00:15:50,409 FIRST 500 BOYFRIENDS GET A FREE MOUTH GAG. 440 00:15:50,410 --> 00:15:52,531 IF YOU CHANGE REAL QUICK, WE CAN GO TOGETHER. 441 00:15:52,532 --> 00:15:53,912 THE POLICEMAN BALL IS ALWAYS A HOOT. 442 00:15:53,913 --> 00:15:57,126 DRUNK COPS, HANDCUFFS, ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. 443 00:15:57,127 --> 00:15:59,578 NO, THANKS, BUT I KNOW HOW IMPORTANT IT IS FOR YOU TO BE THERE. 444 00:15:59,579 --> 00:16:00,749 PLUS YOU'LL FIT RIGHT IN.... 445 00:16:00,750 --> 00:16:02,041 WITH ALL THE OTHER POLITICIANS 446 00:16:02,042 --> 00:16:03,542 WHO TALK OUT OF BOTH SIDES OF THEIR MOUTHS. 447 00:16:03,543 --> 00:16:05,134 NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, 448 00:16:05,135 --> 00:16:07,716 I'M GOING TO MY GAME WITH MY DIGNITY INTACT. 449 00:16:07,717 --> 00:16:09,719 SO... 450 00:16:12,052 --> 00:16:13,682 ( doorbell rings ) 451 00:16:13,683 --> 00:16:15,765 IT'S FOR ME, IT'S FOR ME. 452 00:16:16,806 --> 00:16:19,518 IT'S FOR YOU. 453 00:16:19,519 --> 00:16:22,061 OH, ZANDER. 454 00:16:22,062 --> 00:16:24,153 PLEASE, LOOK, YOU CAN'T GET TO ART SCHOOL 455 00:16:24,154 --> 00:16:25,484 THROUGH MY HOUSE. 456 00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:26,525 I'M ACTUALLY ON MY WAY. 457 00:16:26,526 --> 00:16:28,027 MY DAD WAS DRIVING ME OUT OF TOWN 458 00:16:28,028 --> 00:16:29,368 BUT I TOLD HIM HE HAD TO STOP. 459 00:16:29,369 --> 00:16:30,699 I'VE GOT TO CONFESS... 460 00:16:30,700 --> 00:16:33,372 I'VE BEEN MILKING THIS LONG GOODBYE JUST TO SEE YOU. 461 00:16:33,373 --> 00:16:35,704 I'M GOING TO MISS YOU. 462 00:16:35,705 --> 00:16:36,875 THIS IS IT. I'M REALLY GOING NOW. 463 00:16:36,876 --> 00:16:38,537 SO... GOODBYE, LENNOX. 464 00:16:38,538 --> 00:16:40,750 OKAY, FINE. 465 00:16:48,548 --> 00:16:50,679 THAT'S IT? NO KISS? 466 00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:52,181 I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T WANT HIM TO KISS YOU. 467 00:16:52,182 --> 00:16:53,512 I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO KISS ME. 468 00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:55,094 BUT I WANTED HIM TO WANT TO KISS ME. 469 00:16:55,095 --> 00:16:57,056 OBVIOUSLY. 470 00:16:57,057 --> 00:16:59,638 SO ARE YOU EXTRA GIRL WEIRD 471 00:16:59,639 --> 00:17:01,561 OR JUST AVERAGE GIRL WEIRD? 472 00:17:07,947 --> 00:17:09,818 YOU STINK, MOLINA! 473 00:17:09,819 --> 00:17:11,700 WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A CAB TO FIRST BASE? 474 00:17:11,701 --> 00:17:12,861 YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY GET THERE. 475 00:17:12,862 --> 00:17:16,325 I'VE SEEN FASTER LEGS ON AN ARMCHAIR, MOLINA. 476 00:17:16,326 --> 00:17:17,786 - GOOD ONE. - THANKS, MAN. 477 00:17:17,787 --> 00:17:19,248 - YOU LIKED THAT ONE? - YEAH. 478 00:17:19,249 --> 00:17:20,919 I GOT THIS GREAT HECKLING APP ON MY PHONE. 479 00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:22,581 I JUST PLUG IT IN AND IT KEEPS 'EM COMING. 480 00:17:22,582 --> 00:17:24,083 - IT'S REALLY COOL. - PARDON ME. 481 00:17:24,084 --> 00:17:25,164 EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME. 482 00:17:25,165 --> 00:17:26,665 SORRY, EXCUSE ME. 483 00:17:26,666 --> 00:17:28,337 HIGH HEELS. DON'T TOUCH THE MERCHANDISE. 484 00:17:28,338 --> 00:17:30,799 EXCUSE ME, COULD YOU GUYS MAYBE MOVE DOWN? 485 00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:32,971 THANK YOU. UM, HEY! 486 00:17:32,972 --> 00:17:34,473 IS THIS SEAT TAKEN? 487 00:17:34,474 --> 00:17:35,884 WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 488 00:17:35,885 --> 00:17:37,266 WHY AREN'T YOU AT YOUR FANCY PARTY? 489 00:17:37,267 --> 00:17:39,178 WELL, THAT REPORTER FROM "THE HERALD" 490 00:17:39,179 --> 00:17:40,639 ASKED ME, "HOW COME YOU'RE NOT WITH 491 00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:42,391 YOUR LOUDMOUTHED, OPINIONATED BOYFRIEND TONIGHT?" 492 00:17:42,392 --> 00:17:45,564 AND I THOUGHT, "YEAH. HOW COME I'M NOT WITH 493 00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:48,107 MY LOUDMOUTHED, OPINIONATED BOYFRIEND TONIGHT?" 494 00:17:48,108 --> 00:17:51,150 SO HERE I AM. 495 00:17:51,151 --> 00:17:53,492 THAT WAS VERY CLOSE TO SWEET. 496 00:17:53,493 --> 00:17:56,034 I TRY. AND I'LL BE TRYING HARDER. 497 00:17:56,035 --> 00:17:57,576 WHEN YOU GIVE ME YOUR WORD THAT YOU'LL KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT, 498 00:17:57,577 --> 00:18:00,699 - I SHOULD TRUST YOU. - YOU REALLY SHOULD TRUST ME ON THAT. 499 00:18:00,700 --> 00:18:02,751 AT LEAST 95% OF THE TIME. 500 00:18:02,752 --> 00:18:04,794 - THAT'S A SUPER-HIGH NUMBER. - IT REALLY IS. 501 00:18:07,667 --> 00:18:09,378 WELL, I APPRECIATE YOU COMING TO THE GAME 502 00:18:09,379 --> 00:18:11,710 AND DITCHING THE POLICEMAN'S BALL. 503 00:18:11,711 --> 00:18:13,172 YOU KNOW WHAT HURT THE MOST? 504 00:18:13,173 --> 00:18:14,713 LEAVING BEFORE THEY GAVE OUT THE SWAG. 505 00:18:14,714 --> 00:18:16,135 POLICEMEN HAVE THE BEST STUFF. 506 00:18:16,136 --> 00:18:18,177 LAST YEAR THEY GAVE OUT BREATHALYZER KEY CHAINS. 507 00:18:18,178 --> 00:18:20,269 USE IT EVERY DAY. 508 00:18:20,270 --> 00:18:22,561 OH... GO GO. GO GO GO GO GO! 509 00:18:22,562 --> 00:18:24,603 AH... 510 00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:26,685 WOW, WHAT A CATCH! 511 00:18:26,686 --> 00:18:28,066 YEAH, BY THE CYCLONES. 512 00:18:28,067 --> 00:18:30,489 WELL, YEAH, BUT DID YOU SEE HOW HIGH THAT GUY JUMPED? 513 00:18:30,490 --> 00:18:32,110 WAY TO GO, CYCLONES! 514 00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,402 - HEY. - YEAH! 515 00:18:33,403 --> 00:18:34,733 MEL, MIGHT WANT TO TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH, OKAY? 516 00:18:34,734 --> 00:18:37,075 YEAH, THIS IS MUD HENS TERRITORY, LADY. 517 00:18:37,076 --> 00:18:38,697 YEAH, BUT I THINK EVEN A MUD HENS FAN 518 00:18:38,698 --> 00:18:40,038 COULD APPRECIATE A GOOD PLAY. 519 00:18:40,039 --> 00:18:42,541 - AM I RIGHT? - ( all groan, mutter ) 520 00:18:42,542 --> 00:18:44,293 ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. HEY HEY HEY! 521 00:18:44,294 --> 00:18:45,504 CALM DOWN, ALL RIGHT? LOOK... 522 00:18:45,505 --> 00:18:46,795 SHE'S NEW HERE, ALL RIGHT? 523 00:18:46,796 --> 00:18:48,587 CLEARLY SHE'S NOT AS BIG A FAN AS WE ARE. 524 00:18:48,588 --> 00:18:50,048 SHE DOESN'T REALLY KNOW HOW THESE GAMES WORK. 525 00:18:50,049 --> 00:18:51,550 DOESN'T KNOW WHEN TO TALK AND WHEN TO SHUT UP. 526 00:18:51,551 --> 00:18:53,462 BUT I PROMISE YOU... GIVE HER A SECOND CHANCE, 527 00:18:53,463 --> 00:18:54,963 SHE'LL DO THE RIGHT THING. SO COME ON. 528 00:18:54,964 --> 00:18:57,556 CAN WE NOT SHOW OUR GUEST HERE A LITTLE MUD HEN HOSPITALITY? 529 00:18:57,557 --> 00:18:59,809 CAN WE, HUH? 530 00:19:02,472 --> 00:19:04,142 APPARENTLY WE CAN'T. 531 00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:05,684 IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE. 532 00:19:05,685 --> 00:19:07,856 IT COULD HAVE BEEN A BEER. 533 00:19:07,857 --> 00:19:10,109 DON'T GET ANY IDEAS. 534 00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:16,275 OOH OOH, WHAT HAVE WE GOT HERE? 535 00:19:16,276 --> 00:19:18,156 - ( TV playing ) - Joe: LOOK AT THAT. 536 00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:19,448 YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS? 537 00:19:19,449 --> 00:19:21,540 THAT'S A TEEN ROMANCE IN FULL BLOSSOM RIGHT THERE. 538 00:19:21,541 --> 00:19:24,082 THAT'S ANOTHER LONGO INSTITUTE SUCCESS STORY. 539 00:19:24,083 --> 00:19:26,124 - THE LONGO WHAT? - NOTHING. 540 00:19:26,125 --> 00:19:28,547 SO SHOULD WE GIVE THE KIDS THEIR PRIVACY? 541 00:19:28,548 --> 00:19:30,459 NO WAY! IT'S MY HOUSE. 542 00:19:30,460 --> 00:19:32,090 ARE YOU SURE... 543 00:19:32,091 --> 00:19:33,792 WHAT THE HELL? 544 00:19:33,793 --> 00:19:35,133 THAT'S A FRICKIN' BABY. 545 00:19:35,134 --> 00:19:37,005 I CAN SEE IT'S A BABY. GET IN THERE. 546 00:19:37,006 --> 00:19:40,429 - OH, HEY, GUYS. - HEY! 547 00:19:40,430 --> 00:19:41,930 ( chuckles ) SORRY TO INTERRUPT. 548 00:19:41,931 --> 00:19:43,472 HEY, RYDER. WHAT'S GOING ON? 549 00:19:43,473 --> 00:19:44,603 HEY, GUYS, WHAT'S UP? 550 00:19:44,604 --> 00:19:45,565 WE'RE JUST WATCHING A MOVIE. 551 00:19:45,566 --> 00:19:47,306 OH, I GET IT. 552 00:19:47,307 --> 00:19:48,647 LOOK AT THIS INDUSTRIOUS YOUNG LADY. 553 00:19:48,648 --> 00:19:50,609 BABYSITTING WHILE ON A DATE. 554 00:19:50,610 --> 00:19:52,271 OH, YEAH. I AM A FULL-TIME BABYSITTER. 555 00:19:52,272 --> 00:19:54,573 THIS IS STELLA'S DAUGHTER, ISABEL. 556 00:19:54,574 --> 00:19:55,944 DID YOU HEAR THAT? IT'S HER DAUGHTER, ISABEL. 557 00:19:55,945 --> 00:19:57,816 YES, I HEARD. IT'S HER DAUGHTER, ISABEL. 558 00:19:57,817 --> 00:19:59,528 UH-HUH. UH, RYDER... 559 00:19:59,529 --> 00:20:01,740 I THOUGHT YOU SAID THAT... 560 00:20:01,741 --> 00:20:03,161 SHE HAD A LOT GOING ON. 561 00:20:03,162 --> 00:20:05,914 YEAH, JOE, YOU WERE TOTALLY RIGHT. 562 00:20:05,915 --> 00:20:09,207 WE CAN ABSOLUTELY MAKE THIS WORK IF WE WANT TO. 563 00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:10,959 NOW IF YOU DON'T MIND, 564 00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,421 I'M KIND OF TRYING TO HAVE A DATE HERE. 565 00:20:12,422 --> 00:20:13,712 - OH. - OH, IT'S OKAY, RYDER. 566 00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:15,634 ISABEL HAS TO HAVE HER DINNER FIRST. 567 00:20:15,635 --> 00:20:16,635 Joe: OH... 568 00:20:16,636 --> 00:20:19,928 OH, MY GOSH. SHE JUST STARTED BREASTFEEDING. 569 00:20:19,929 --> 00:20:21,470 IT'S OKAY, JOE. 570 00:20:21,471 --> 00:20:22,931 IT'S COMPLETELY NATURAL. 571 00:20:22,932 --> 00:20:24,182 WELL, MAYBE IT IS TIME TO GO. 572 00:20:24,183 --> 00:20:25,805 ME FIRST! 573 00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:32,020 HOW COULD YOU ENCOURAGE THIS? 574 00:20:32,021 --> 00:20:33,111 I DIDN'T ENCOURAGE THIS. 575 00:20:33,112 --> 00:20:34,563 I DIDN'T KNOW SHE HAD A BABY. 576 00:20:34,564 --> 00:20:35,654 WHEN RYDER SAID SHE HAD A LOT GOING ON, 577 00:20:35,655 --> 00:20:37,946 I THOUGHT HE MEANT SPANISH CLUB AND YEARBOOK. 578 00:20:37,947 --> 00:20:40,659 NOT MOMMY AND ME AND BREASTFEEDING. 579 00:20:40,660 --> 00:20:42,821 THIS COULD TOTALLY RUIN RYDER'S FUTURE. 580 00:20:42,822 --> 00:20:44,363 HE'S ALREADY GETTING A "C" IN ALGEBRA 581 00:20:44,364 --> 00:20:45,954 WITHOUT A BABY IN HIS LIFE. 582 00:20:45,955 --> 00:20:47,666 WITH A BABY, WHO KNOWS WHAT KIND OF TERRIBLE THINGS COULD HAPPEN? 583 00:20:47,667 --> 00:20:50,289 MAYBE HE'LL GET A BETTER GRADE IN BIOLOGY. 584 00:20:50,290 --> 00:20:52,501 - HEY. - HEY, STELLA. 585 00:20:52,502 --> 00:20:53,792 I HAD SOME EXTRA MILK. 586 00:20:53,793 --> 00:20:55,504 IS IT COOL IF I PUT IT IN THE FRIDGE FOR NEXT TIME? 587 00:20:55,505 --> 00:20:56,755 YEAH, OF COURSE. 588 00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:58,176 THERE'S ALWAYS ROOM IN MY FRIDGE 589 00:20:58,177 --> 00:20:59,838 FOR TEEN MOM MILK. 590 00:20:59,839 --> 00:21:01,430 I AM TOTALLY COOL WITH THIS. 591 00:21:01,431 --> 00:21:03,302 JUST DON'T PUT IT NEXT TO THE HALF AND HALF, ALL RIGHT? 592 00:21:03,303 --> 00:21:04,593 I DON'T WANT TO MAKE ANY MISTAKES 593 00:21:04,594 --> 00:21:05,884 WHEN I'M MAKING MY COFFEE IN THE MORNING. 594 00:21:05,885 --> 00:21:07,686 GOT IT. OH, AND THANKS AGAIN 595 00:21:07,687 --> 00:21:09,018 FOR BEING SO UNDERSTANDING. 596 00:21:12,392 --> 00:21:13,692 ( sighs ) 597 00:21:13,693 --> 00:21:14,943 SHE SEEMS PRETTY SWEET. 598 00:21:14,944 --> 00:21:16,315 MAYBE THIS WOULD BE OKAY. 599 00:21:16,316 --> 00:21:17,856 OKAY? REALLY? 600 00:21:17,857 --> 00:21:19,698 RYDER DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO TIE HIS SHOES 601 00:21:19,699 --> 00:21:20,989 TILL HE WAS 15. 602 00:21:20,990 --> 00:21:22,451 HOW'S HE GOING TO HANDLE A RELATIONSHIP 603 00:21:22,452 --> 00:21:23,532 WITH A GIRL WHO HAS A KID? 604 00:21:23,533 --> 00:21:25,744 HOLY CRAP! 605 00:21:25,745 --> 00:21:28,707 RYDER HAS A BABY BEFORE I DO. 606 00:21:28,708 --> 00:21:30,750 NOT THAT IT'S A COMPETITION.