1 00:00:07,888 --> 00:00:09,549 "MELISSA AND JOEY" IS RECORDED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE. 2 00:00:09,550 --> 00:00:11,891 ALL RIGHT, MIXING UP A PITCHER OF YOUR DAD'S FAVORITE DRINK. 3 00:00:11,892 --> 00:00:13,223 I HOPE IT'S THE WAY THAT HE LIKES IT. 4 00:00:13,224 --> 00:00:16,516 THE WAY HE LIKES IT IS SERVED IN A STRIPPER'S NAVEL. 5 00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:19,899 THAT'S TOO BAD. ALL OF OUR STRIPPERS ARE IN THE DISHWASHER. 6 00:00:19,900 --> 00:00:21,642 DO ME A FAVOR. TAKE A LITTLE SIP OF THAT AND TELL ME IF IT'S GOOD. 7 00:00:23,354 --> 00:00:25,276 WHOA, SLOW DOWN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! 8 00:00:26,567 --> 00:00:28,148 MENTALLY PREPARING FOR MY FATHER'S VISIT. 9 00:00:28,149 --> 00:00:30,990 I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE SO NERVOUS ABOUT. 10 00:00:30,991 --> 00:00:32,862 YOUR DAD'S PROUD OF YOU THAT YOU'RE RUNNING FOR STATE SENATE. 11 00:00:32,863 --> 00:00:35,535 NOT TO MENTION, FOR A CHANGE, HE'S ACTUALLY BEING SUPPORTIVE. 12 00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:37,157 WELL, I'M NOT NERVOUS ABOUT THE ANNOUNCEMENT. 13 00:00:37,158 --> 00:00:38,368 I'M NERVOUS ABOUT SOMETHING 14 00:00:38,369 --> 00:00:39,579 I HAVEN'T TOLD HIM. ( chuckles nervously ) 15 00:00:39,580 --> 00:00:40,960 OH, COME ON, BABY. YOU CAN TELL ME. 16 00:00:40,961 --> 00:00:43,163 - WHAT ARE YOU SO NERVOUS ABOUT? - OH, NOTHING. 17 00:00:43,164 --> 00:00:44,664 YOU KNOW, JUST WHEN HE GETS HERE, 18 00:00:44,665 --> 00:00:46,796 DON'T DO THAT. AND, UM... 19 00:00:46,797 --> 00:00:48,928 DON'T CALL ME "BABY." ( chuckles ) 20 00:00:48,929 --> 00:00:50,970 WAIT A MINUTE. 21 00:00:50,971 --> 00:00:52,302 YOU HAVEN'T TOLD YOUR FATHER ABOUT US. 22 00:00:52,303 --> 00:00:54,884 HE'S ALWAYS BEEN SUPER CRITICAL OF THE MEN I DATE. 23 00:00:54,885 --> 00:00:56,936 I MEAN, THE ONES WHO WERE LONG-TERM. 24 00:00:56,937 --> 00:00:59,479 YOU KNOW, WHO MADE IT TILL MORNING. 25 00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:01,441 MORNING, YEAH, THAT'S AN IMPRESSIVE MILESTONE 26 00:01:01,442 --> 00:01:03,854 - FOR ANY RELATIONSHIP. - ( doorbell rings ) 27 00:01:06,947 --> 00:01:08,778 MY DAD'S A LITTLE TRICKY, SO LET ME WAIT 28 00:01:08,779 --> 00:01:10,150 TILL THE RIGHT MOMENT TO TELL HIM, OKAY? 29 00:01:10,151 --> 00:01:11,741 WHEN HE'S IN A RECEPTIVE MOOD, 30 00:01:11,742 --> 00:01:14,115 I WILL DEFINITELY EASE HIM INTO IT, LIKE A WARM BATH. 31 00:01:15,826 --> 00:01:17,997 PUMPKIN, GIVE ME A HUG! 32 00:01:17,998 --> 00:01:18,869 JOE'S MY BOYFRIEND! 33 00:01:18,870 --> 00:01:20,581 THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT! 34 00:01:23,624 --> 00:01:25,505 HEY, RUSSELL, WHAT'S UP? 35 00:01:25,506 --> 00:01:26,966 ( theme music playing ) 36 00:01:26,967 --> 00:01:28,418 - ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD ♪ - ♪ All good ♪ 37 00:01:28,419 --> 00:01:30,210 - ♪ IT'S OKAY ♪ - ♪ Okay ♪ 38 00:01:30,211 --> 00:01:31,971 - ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪ - ♪ All right ♪ 39 00:01:31,972 --> 00:01:33,843 ♪ AS FAR AS I CAN SEE ♪ 40 00:01:33,844 --> 00:01:35,305 - ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD ♪ - ♪ All good ♪ 41 00:01:35,306 --> 00:01:37,597 - ♪ IT'S OKAY ♪ - ♪ Okay ♪ 42 00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:38,888 - ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪ - ♪ All right ♪ 43 00:01:38,889 --> 00:01:41,931 ♪ I GUESS YOU'RE STUCK ♪ 44 00:01:41,932 --> 00:01:44,935 ♪ WITH ME ♪ 45 00:01:46,397 --> 00:01:48,067 Mel: LOOK, JOE AND I NEVER THOUGHT THIS WOULD HAPPEN. 46 00:01:48,068 --> 00:01:49,029 IT REALLY JUST KINDA CREPT UP ON US. 47 00:01:49,030 --> 00:01:50,530 YEAH, IT WAS A TOTAL SURPRISE. 48 00:01:50,531 --> 00:01:52,111 HONESTLY, NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS THAT I THINK I WOULD END UP 49 00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:55,074 WITH, UH... ( chuckles ) THIS ONE. 50 00:01:55,075 --> 00:01:57,287 - OKAY, TOO FAR. - IT WAS... OKAY. 51 00:01:57,288 --> 00:01:59,579 WELL, IT'S NOT EXACTLY A SHOCKER. 52 00:01:59,580 --> 00:02:03,122 FRANKLY, I THOUGHT YOU'D BEEN TIPPING THE HELP SINCE DAY ONE. 53 00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:05,295 WAIT WAIT WAIT. YOU THOUGHT JOE AND I WERE ALREADY A THING? 54 00:02:05,296 --> 00:02:08,007 WHY ELSE WOULD YOU HIRE THIS FINE-LOOKING 55 00:02:08,008 --> 00:02:10,590 YET TOTALLY UNQUALIFIED YOUNG BUCK 56 00:02:10,591 --> 00:02:12,842 TO LOOK AFTER MY GRANDCHILDREN? 57 00:02:12,843 --> 00:02:17,016 THANK YOU, RUSSELL. THAT WAS LIKE 60% COMPLIMENT. 58 00:02:17,017 --> 00:02:18,928 WELL, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP, 59 00:02:18,929 --> 00:02:23,102 BECAUSE I AM A FULLY-GROWN, 31-TO-35-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. 60 00:02:23,103 --> 00:02:25,104 WHO LOOKS 28. 61 00:02:25,105 --> 00:02:27,687 ALL KIDDING ASIDE, MEL, 62 00:02:27,688 --> 00:02:30,400 I THINK YOU GOT YOURSELF A GOOD MAN. 63 00:02:30,401 --> 00:02:32,822 YOU DO? YOU REALLY DO? 64 00:02:32,823 --> 00:02:34,944 AW. THANK YOU, DADDY. 65 00:02:34,945 --> 00:02:36,326 OH, YOU KNOW, IF YOU WERE TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW, 66 00:02:36,327 --> 00:02:37,488 THIS WOULD BE THE PERFECT VISIT. 67 00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:41,491 I HAVE TO SAY, HONEY, DINNER TONIGHT 68 00:02:41,492 --> 00:02:43,543 WITH YOUR FATHER WAS ACTUALLY TOLERABLE. 69 00:02:43,544 --> 00:02:44,954 YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. 70 00:02:44,955 --> 00:02:48,338 HE WAS SWEET, POLITE, RESTRAINED... 71 00:02:48,339 --> 00:02:49,380 SOMETHING'S WRONG. 72 00:02:50,791 --> 00:02:52,131 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 73 00:02:52,132 --> 00:02:55,965 UM, LOOKING UP THE SYMPTOMS OF LATE-STAGE SYPHILIS. 74 00:02:55,966 --> 00:02:59,058 HONEY, I THINK HE JUST HAS EARLY-STAGE GETTING OLD. 75 00:02:59,059 --> 00:03:00,179 YOU KNOW, 76 00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,971 SOMETIMES WHEN GUYS GET A LITTLE OLDER, 77 00:03:01,972 --> 00:03:03,062 CERTAIN LEVELS START TO DROP, 78 00:03:03,063 --> 00:03:05,515 AND THE OLD LION BECOMES LESS CONCERNED 79 00:03:05,516 --> 00:03:07,977 WITH TAKING DOWN THE GAZELLE, AND IS HAPPY TO JUST 80 00:03:07,978 --> 00:03:10,770 SIT IN THE SUN AND SEE HOW WELL HIS PROGENY ARE DOING. 81 00:03:10,771 --> 00:03:13,112 HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING "THE LION KING" AGAIN? 82 00:03:13,113 --> 00:03:14,654 ( chuckles ) 83 00:03:14,655 --> 00:03:16,276 THERE'S A LOT OF DEEP STUFF IN THERE. 84 00:03:16,277 --> 00:03:18,278 JUST 'CAUSE IT'S A CARTOON DOESN'T MEAN IT'S NOT 85 00:03:18,279 --> 00:03:19,490 SCIENTIFICALLY ACCURATE. 86 00:03:20,741 --> 00:03:22,121 SO MY HISTORY TEACHER WAS TELLING ME 87 00:03:22,122 --> 00:03:24,083 THAT THERE'S A SECRET BUNKER UNDER THE CAPITOL BUILDING 88 00:03:24,084 --> 00:03:27,206 FOR THE SENATORS, IN CASE THE WORLD ENDS. 89 00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:28,918 WELL, YOUR HISTORY TEACHER SHOULDN'T BE MAKING 90 00:03:28,919 --> 00:03:31,130 RIDICULOUS CLAIMS... 91 00:03:31,131 --> 00:03:33,132 BUT, YES, IT'S THERE. 92 00:03:33,133 --> 00:03:35,885 IT'S GOT EVERYTHING YOU NEED FOR REBUILDING CIVILIZATION. 93 00:03:35,886 --> 00:03:38,177 BOOZE AND FERTILE YOUNG LADIES. 94 00:03:38,178 --> 00:03:39,179 ( laughs ) 95 00:03:40,180 --> 00:03:41,141 I'M KIDDING. 96 00:03:41,142 --> 00:03:43,012 ORRIN HATCH MADE US GET RID OF THE BOOZE. 97 00:03:43,013 --> 00:03:44,934 WE HAD SOME GREAT PARTIES DOWN THERE. 98 00:03:44,935 --> 00:03:46,976 I SURE DO MISS MY SENATE DAYS. 99 00:03:46,977 --> 00:03:49,309 AHH, IT'S REASSURING TO KNOW THAT AFTER THE APOCALYPSE 100 00:03:49,310 --> 00:03:51,190 OUR SEXIST WAY OF LIFE WILL CONTINUE. 101 00:03:51,191 --> 00:03:53,152 - ISN'T IT? - OKAY, DAD, 102 00:03:53,153 --> 00:03:54,814 I REALLY NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT A COUPLE THINGS 103 00:03:54,815 --> 00:03:56,155 ABOUT MY STATE SENATE CAMPAIGN. 104 00:03:56,156 --> 00:03:58,948 OH, I JUST FORGOT. I DON'T WANNA BE BORED. 105 00:03:58,949 --> 00:04:00,950 OKAY. GOOD NIGHT, GRANDPA. 106 00:04:00,951 --> 00:04:02,952 ( scoffs ) HOW RUDE IS HE?! 107 00:04:02,953 --> 00:04:05,074 YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA GO TALK TO HIM ABOUT THAT, 108 00:04:05,075 --> 00:04:07,367 AND IF IT MEANS I MISS OUT ON THIS, WELL... 109 00:04:07,368 --> 00:04:09,669 MY LOSS. 110 00:04:09,670 --> 00:04:11,130 OKAY, SO I GOT SOME GOOD NEWS. 111 00:04:11,131 --> 00:04:13,212 THE GOVERNOR'S OFFICE CALLED, AND THEY SAID 112 00:04:13,213 --> 00:04:15,084 THEY MIGHT BE ABLE TO HAVE HIM ON THE PLATFORM WITH ME 113 00:04:15,085 --> 00:04:16,876 WHEN I ANNOUNCE MY CANDIDACY. 114 00:04:16,877 --> 00:04:18,928 WELL, LET ME CALL HIM RIGHT NOW 115 00:04:18,929 --> 00:04:21,090 AND WE WILL NAIL THIS BABY DOWN. 116 00:04:21,091 --> 00:04:23,092 - ( cellphone beeps ) - WOW, LOOK AT THAT PHONE, HUH? 117 00:04:23,093 --> 00:04:24,223 YOU KNOW, RUSS, WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH THAT, 118 00:04:24,224 --> 00:04:26,556 I'M SURE THE SMITHSONIAN WOULD LOVE TO HAVE IT. 119 00:04:26,557 --> 00:04:29,098 LAUGH IF YOU MUST, BUT THIS OLD WORKHORSE 120 00:04:29,099 --> 00:04:31,190 HAS STOOD BY ME SINCE 1997. 121 00:04:31,191 --> 00:04:33,022 IF YOU WANNA REALLY HELP MEL'S CAMPAIGN OUT, 122 00:04:33,023 --> 00:04:34,103 YOU'RE GONNA NEED A PHONE THAT SENDS OUT TWEETS 123 00:04:34,104 --> 00:04:35,274 AND INSTAGRAM PHOTOS. 124 00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:38,237 WHOA WHOA WHOA. SLOW DOWN THERE, BILL GATES. 125 00:04:38,238 --> 00:04:41,531 MY BRAND IS PRESSING THE FLESH. 126 00:04:41,532 --> 00:04:43,403 SPEAKING OF WHICH, WITH MEL DOWN IN COLUMBUS 127 00:04:43,404 --> 00:04:45,405 FIVE DAYS A WEEK, HOW ARE YOU TWO GONNA BE... 128 00:04:45,406 --> 00:04:47,076 - PRESSING THE FLESH? - DAD! 129 00:04:47,077 --> 00:04:50,710 OHH, HONEY, COME ON. I'M NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT SUGAR TIME. 130 00:04:50,711 --> 00:04:53,292 I MEAN THE... THE WHOLE RELATIONSHIP. 131 00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:55,084 HOW ARE YOU TWO GONNA MANAGE THAT? 132 00:04:55,085 --> 00:04:56,916 WELL, UM... 133 00:04:56,917 --> 00:04:59,298 YOU... YOU KNOW, WE ACTUALLY HADN'T TALKED ABOUT THAT YET. 134 00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:00,470 YOU'D REALLY BE GONE FIVE DAYS A WEEK? 135 00:05:00,471 --> 00:05:03,683 YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS FIRST IN THE LEGISLATURE, 136 00:05:03,684 --> 00:05:05,685 I WAS THERE SEVEN DAYS A WEEK. 137 00:05:05,686 --> 00:05:07,226 SOMEHOW, THOUGH, I MADE IT WORK. 138 00:05:07,227 --> 00:05:10,229 YEAH YEAH, MOM DRANK HERSELF INTO AN EARLY FACELIFT 139 00:05:10,230 --> 00:05:12,101 AND, UH, YOU CHASED WOMEN. 140 00:05:12,102 --> 00:05:15,024 DIDN'T HAVE TO CHASE 'EM. 141 00:05:15,025 --> 00:05:16,816 I GUARANTEE YOU, RUSS, MEL AND I ARE GONNA BE WORKING IT OUT 142 00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:17,937 A LOT DIFFERENTLY THAN THAT. 143 00:05:17,938 --> 00:05:19,439 YEAH YEAH, OF COURSE YOU WILL. 144 00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:20,740 HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT, JOE? 145 00:05:20,741 --> 00:05:22,442 YOU COULD TAG ALONG WITH MEL DOWN TO COLUMBUS. 146 00:05:22,443 --> 00:05:24,203 NO, I CAN'T BE TAGGING ALONG ANYWHERE. 147 00:05:24,204 --> 00:05:25,785 I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF BUILDING A BUSINESS HERE IN TOLEDO. 148 00:05:25,786 --> 00:05:27,657 YEAH, BUT I WOULD HAVE TO BE IN COLUMBUS 149 00:05:27,658 --> 00:05:28,788 PRACTICALLY FULL-TIME. 150 00:05:28,789 --> 00:05:30,370 HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? 151 00:05:30,371 --> 00:05:33,373 THIS MIGHT BE A POSITIVE. ALL THAT TIME APART... 152 00:05:33,374 --> 00:05:35,585 MIGHT HELP KEEP THE MYSTERY ALIVE. 153 00:05:35,586 --> 00:05:38,297 LIKE, "WHY ISN'T SHE ANSWERING HER PHONE?" 154 00:05:38,298 --> 00:05:41,221 OR "WHO'S HE WITH TONIGHT?" 155 00:05:42,262 --> 00:05:44,554 YOU KNOW I'M JUST MESSING WITH YOU? 156 00:05:44,555 --> 00:05:46,135 OH, WHY SO SERIOUS? 157 00:05:46,136 --> 00:05:47,558 OOH! 158 00:05:50,601 --> 00:05:52,061 LENNOX, LENNOX, LENNOX. 159 00:05:52,062 --> 00:05:53,102 CAN YOU PLEASE COME IN HERE JUST FOR A MINUTE? 160 00:05:53,103 --> 00:05:54,394 - PLEASE? - WHAT? WHAT IS IT? 161 00:05:54,395 --> 00:05:56,235 OKAY, SO I NEED TO COME UP WITH A BUSINESS IDEA 162 00:05:56,236 --> 00:05:58,027 FOR THE ENTREPRENEUR'S CLUB TOMORROW. 163 00:05:58,028 --> 00:06:00,319 OH, UH, HANG ON. I'M GONNA GO SEE IF I CAN FIND SOMEONE WHO CARES. 164 00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:02,482 WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT. THIS IS IMPORTANT, OKAY? 165 00:06:02,483 --> 00:06:04,243 JOE SAYS THAT I NEED SOMETHING THAT LOOKS GOOD 166 00:06:04,244 --> 00:06:06,195 ON MY HIGH SCHOOL TRANSCRIPTS. 167 00:06:06,196 --> 00:06:08,367 COLLEGES MAINLY LOOK AT YOUR GRADES. 168 00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:10,249 THAT'S WHY I NEED SOMETHING ELSE. 169 00:06:10,250 --> 00:06:12,452 SO THE FIRST IDEA... 170 00:06:12,453 --> 00:06:14,293 A BIG FOAM BALL, OKAY? 171 00:06:14,294 --> 00:06:15,374 WITH A SLOT IN IT, 172 00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:18,377 SO YOU CAN STICK YOUR PHONE INSIDE THE SLOT, 173 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:22,171 SO IF YOU DROP IT, IT'LL BOUNCE RIGHT BACK UP TO YOU. 174 00:06:22,172 --> 00:06:24,714 HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET? 175 00:06:24,715 --> 00:06:27,637 I GOT ANOTHER ONE... 176 00:06:27,638 --> 00:06:30,850 THIS IS A BIG FOAM BALL 177 00:06:30,851 --> 00:06:33,773 THAT YOU CAN PUT YOUR DRINK IN. 178 00:06:33,774 --> 00:06:35,395 NEXT. 179 00:06:36,777 --> 00:06:37,777 OKAY. 180 00:06:37,778 --> 00:06:40,279 THIS ONE IS, UH... IT'S A PENCIL 181 00:06:40,280 --> 00:06:41,781 WITH AN ATTACHMENT ON THE END 182 00:06:41,782 --> 00:06:43,784 THAT ALLOWS YOU TO PUT A CARROT ON. 183 00:06:44,945 --> 00:06:46,325 IT'S LIKE A HEALTHY ALTERNATIVE 184 00:06:46,326 --> 00:06:48,288 FOR PEOPLE WHO CHEW THEIR ERASERS. 185 00:06:49,490 --> 00:06:50,490 I LIKE IT. 186 00:06:50,491 --> 00:06:52,452 - REALLY? - YEAH. 187 00:06:52,453 --> 00:06:55,625 BUT ONLY IF YOU CAN STICK IT IN A BIG FOAM BALL. 188 00:06:55,626 --> 00:06:57,417 ( clears throat ) THAT'S THE LAST TIME I ASK FOR YOUR ADVICE. 189 00:06:59,209 --> 00:07:00,300 PROMISE? 190 00:07:02,593 --> 00:07:04,423 OKAY, RUSSELL, SO... 191 00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:06,966 ALL YOUR CONTACTS FROM YOUR OLD PHONE ARE NOW IN YOUR NEW PHONE. 192 00:07:06,967 --> 00:07:10,349 JOSEPH, I'M STILL NOT SEEING WHY THIS IS SUCH A BIG IMPROVEMENT 193 00:07:10,350 --> 00:07:11,761 OVER MY FLIP PHONE. 194 00:07:11,762 --> 00:07:13,103 YEAH, AND I MISS MY BEEPER. 195 00:07:14,224 --> 00:07:15,975 LIFE GOES ON, MAN. I MEAN, COME ON. 196 00:07:15,976 --> 00:07:17,356 IF YOU'RE GONNA BE HEADING DOWN TO MEL'S CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS, 197 00:07:17,357 --> 00:07:19,188 WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA TAKE OUT YOUR FLIP PHONE 198 00:07:19,189 --> 00:07:21,400 AND CALL EVERYBODY ONE BY ONE AND LET 'EM KNOW YOU'RE GOING DOWN THERE? 199 00:07:21,401 --> 00:07:24,984 OR ARE YOU GONNA TAKE A SELFIE AND LET THE WHOLE WORLD KNOW YOU'RE GOING DOWN THERE... 200 00:07:24,985 --> 00:07:26,065 INSTANTLY? 201 00:07:26,066 --> 00:07:27,657 A SELFIE? 202 00:07:27,658 --> 00:07:28,988 IT'S A PICTURE OF YOURSELF. 203 00:07:28,989 --> 00:07:30,740 ( laughing ) OH! 204 00:07:30,741 --> 00:07:34,874 'CAUSE DOING A SELFIE MEANT SOMETHING DIFFERENT IN MY DAY. 205 00:07:34,875 --> 00:07:36,746 - ALL RIGHT, LET'S TRY TAKING ONE RIGHT NOW, 'KAY? - OKAY. 206 00:07:36,747 --> 00:07:40,960 NOW, THE KEY TO A QUALITY SELFIE IS MAXIMUM ARM EXTENSION. 207 00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:43,964 - OKAY? - THAT EXPLAINS WHY YOUR ARMS ARE SO SHAPELY. 208 00:07:45,085 --> 00:07:46,296 I'M JUST SAYING. 209 00:07:47,928 --> 00:07:49,258 HERE WE GO. SMILE. 210 00:07:49,259 --> 00:07:50,640 - ( camera shutter clicks ) - BOOM. ALL RIGHT. 211 00:07:50,641 --> 00:07:52,261 Computerized female voice: Russell, what can I do for you? 212 00:07:52,262 --> 00:07:54,353 WHAT? 213 00:07:54,354 --> 00:07:57,436 YEAH, PRESS THAT BUTTON RIGHT THERE AND TELL HER TO "SEND PICTURE TO MEL." 214 00:07:57,437 --> 00:07:59,018 - TELL WHO? - SISSY. 215 00:07:59,019 --> 00:08:00,600 YOU KNOW, LIKE "ASSISTANT." 216 00:08:00,601 --> 00:08:02,021 THAT'S YOUR NEW DIGITAL SECRETARY RIGHT THERE. 217 00:08:02,022 --> 00:08:03,903 GO ON, PRESS THE BUTTON AND TELL HER. 218 00:08:03,904 --> 00:08:05,194 ( musical tone plays ) 219 00:08:05,195 --> 00:08:08,067 SISSY, SEND THAT PICTURE TO MEL. 220 00:08:08,068 --> 00:08:13,112 Right away. And might I add: nicely composed shot. 221 00:08:13,113 --> 00:08:16,115 WELL, THANK YOU, LITTLE LADY. 222 00:08:16,116 --> 00:08:18,117 ALTHOUGH IT WAS MOSTLY JOE. 223 00:08:18,118 --> 00:08:20,540 OH, MAN! YOU'RE JUST MESSING WITH ME, RIGHT? 224 00:08:20,541 --> 00:08:22,792 WELCOME TO THE MODERN WORLD, RUSSELL. 225 00:08:22,793 --> 00:08:25,585 SO I JUST SAY IT, AND SHE DOES IT? 226 00:08:25,586 --> 00:08:27,176 YOUR IDEAL WOMAN, HUH? 227 00:08:27,177 --> 00:08:28,217 WOW, DAD. 228 00:08:28,218 --> 00:08:29,508 I AM IMPRESSED. 229 00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:31,510 YOU ALREADY LEARNED HOW TO E-MAIL A PHOTO? 230 00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:32,392 SHE GOT OUR PICTURE! 231 00:08:32,393 --> 00:08:34,393 I DIDN'T EVEN PRESS A BUTTON! 232 00:08:34,394 --> 00:08:35,555 THAT IS AMAZING! 233 00:08:35,556 --> 00:08:36,766 IT'S IN... 234 00:08:36,767 --> 00:08:39,398 I'M GONNA HAVE SO MUCH FUN WITH THIS THING! 235 00:08:39,399 --> 00:08:41,520 HEY, ARE YOU STILL THERE, DARLIN'? 236 00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:45,144 DO ME A FAVOR... SEND JOE BIDEN 50 PIZZAS! 237 00:08:45,145 --> 00:08:48,237 EXCITED ABOUT A PHONE. THAT IS NOT MY FATHER. 238 00:08:48,238 --> 00:08:50,610 YEAH, WELL, MEL, YOUR FATHER'S GETTING OLDER. 239 00:08:50,611 --> 00:08:52,612 YOU KNOW, LION AT SUNSET. 240 00:08:52,613 --> 00:08:55,114 CIRCLE OF LIFE, BABY. 241 00:08:55,115 --> 00:08:56,577 ( blender whirring ) 242 00:08:59,419 --> 00:09:02,582 HEY, MY CAMPAIGN MANAGER JUST WOKE ME UP WITH THIS INCOHERENT TEXT. 243 00:09:02,583 --> 00:09:05,044 - CAN YOU MAKE ANY SENSE OUT OF THIS? - YEAH, LET ME SEE. 244 00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:08,467 "RED ALERT: YOUR FATHER'S PEN IS ALL OVER THE INTERNET." 245 00:09:08,468 --> 00:09:10,049 I DON'T KNOW WHAT JANEY MEANS, BABE. 246 00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:12,131 - ( cellphone beeps ) - OH, IT'S ANOTHER ONE FROM JANEY. 247 00:09:12,132 --> 00:09:14,724 "WARN EVERYONE... DON'T OPEN E-MAILS FROM RUSSELL." 248 00:09:14,725 --> 00:09:16,515 WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT? 249 00:09:16,516 --> 00:09:18,097 I DO HAVE AN E-MAIL FROM HIM. 250 00:09:18,098 --> 00:09:19,478 ( cellphones ring, vibrate ) 251 00:09:19,479 --> 00:09:21,140 HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? I JUST GOT ONE FROM YOUR DAD TOO. 252 00:09:21,141 --> 00:09:23,272 OHH! ( gasps ) 253 00:09:23,273 --> 00:09:25,354 WHAT? WHAT'S... WHAT'S THE... OHH! 254 00:09:25,355 --> 00:09:28,147 OH. UM... 255 00:09:28,148 --> 00:09:31,570 JANEY DIDN'T MEAN WHAT'S ALL OVER THE INTERNET IS YOUR FATHER'S PEN. 256 00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:33,613 IT'S HIS PENIS. 257 00:09:33,614 --> 00:09:35,785 THANKS, I HADN'T PUT THAT TOGETHER. 258 00:09:35,786 --> 00:09:37,366 WHAT IS MY FATHER THINKING?! 259 00:09:37,367 --> 00:09:39,578 AND HOW MANY PEOPLE DID HE SEND THIS TO? 260 00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,371 HE SENT IT TO HIS ENTIRE CONTACT LIST, BABE. 261 00:09:42,502 --> 00:09:43,582 WHICH MEANS WE GOTTA GET TO THE KIDS. 262 00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:44,794 - THE KIDS! - THE KIDS! 263 00:09:44,795 --> 00:09:46,796 LENNOX, RYDER, DON'T LOOK AT YOUR E-MAILS! 264 00:09:46,797 --> 00:09:48,337 - Joe: DELETE! - UNSUBSCRIBE! 265 00:09:48,338 --> 00:09:49,339 DELETE! 266 00:09:53,674 --> 00:09:55,845 OKAY, HERE'S THE SPIN FOR DAMAGE CONTROL: 267 00:09:55,846 --> 00:09:58,267 RUSSELL DISCOVERED A WORRISOME SPOT ON HIS PRIVATE AREA, 268 00:09:58,268 --> 00:10:00,891 AND HE WAS TEXTING THE PHOTO TO HIS DERMATOLOGIST. 269 00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:04,483 HE SENT THE PICTURE TO 2,000 PEOPLE, JANEY. 270 00:10:04,484 --> 00:10:06,896 HE WANTED A SECOND OPINION. 271 00:10:06,897 --> 00:10:10,319 SURE, EVERYONE WILL BUY THAT. ALONG WITH HIS SNAPPY CAPTION... 272 00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:12,611 "THINKING OF YOU KEEPS ME UP ALL NIGHT." 273 00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,613 I DON'T THINK HE WAS TALKING ABOUT HIS INSOMNIA. 274 00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:17,196 WELL, THERE GOES MY STATE SENATE CAMPAIGN 275 00:10:17,197 --> 00:10:19,999 AND ANY CHANCE I HAD OF EVER MAKING IT TO WASHINGTON. 276 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:21,701 MEL, YOUR ANNOUNCEMENT IS TWO DAYS AWAY. 277 00:10:21,702 --> 00:10:24,704 WE JUST NEED TO SHIFT FOCUS BACK TO YOUR VISION FOR OHIO'S FUTURE. 278 00:10:24,705 --> 00:10:26,335 WELL, HOW ARE WE GONNA DO THAT 279 00:10:26,336 --> 00:10:29,548 WHEN EVERYONE'S VISION IS ON A CLOSE-UP OF MY DAD'S... 280 00:10:29,549 --> 00:10:31,340 - KICKSTAND? - ( door opens ) 281 00:10:31,341 --> 00:10:32,672 MORNING, EVERYBODY! 282 00:10:32,673 --> 00:10:35,514 WELL, LOOK AT YOU GUYS... HARD AT WORK ALREADY. 283 00:10:35,515 --> 00:10:38,718 ARE YOU AWARE THAT YOUR DELIGHTFUL SELF-PORTRAIT 284 00:10:38,719 --> 00:10:40,680 MADE ITS WAY AROUND THE ENTIRE WORLD? 285 00:10:40,681 --> 00:10:42,472 YEAH, HOW 'BOUT THAT? 286 00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:44,854 YOU KNOW WHAT, JOE? 287 00:10:44,855 --> 00:10:47,106 I THINK I NEED ANOTHER LESSON ON THIS BABY. 288 00:10:47,107 --> 00:10:49,479 WHAT, DO YOU WANT ME TO PUT A COUPLE OF PALM TREES BEHIND IT NEXT TIME? 289 00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:51,821 HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? 290 00:10:51,822 --> 00:10:53,612 YOU KNOW, IT'S A... IT'S A FUNNY STORY. 291 00:10:53,613 --> 00:10:55,484 I WAS IN A HOTEL LAST NIGHT, 292 00:10:55,485 --> 00:10:57,156 AND MY LADY FRIEND EVELYN, 293 00:10:57,157 --> 00:11:00,659 SHE E-MAILED ME A RATHER PROVOCATIVE PHOTO OF HERSELF, SO... 294 00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:04,083 LIKE A GENTLEMAN, I RECIPROCATED. 295 00:11:04,084 --> 00:11:07,246 I AM SO GLAD THAT YOU REMEMBERED YOUR MANNERS. 296 00:11:07,247 --> 00:11:08,627 YOU KNOW, IT'S WEIRD, WHERE I COME FROM, 297 00:11:08,628 --> 00:11:11,050 MANNERS NEVER INVOLVE THE SOUNDS "ZIP" AND "FLOP." 298 00:11:11,051 --> 00:11:12,381 BUT, YOU KNOW, 299 00:11:12,382 --> 00:11:13,592 IT'S DIFFERENT UPBRINGINGS, I GUESS. 300 00:11:13,593 --> 00:11:16,756 SENATOR, HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO SEND THE PHOTO 301 00:11:16,757 --> 00:11:19,218 TO 2,000 INBOXES? 302 00:11:19,219 --> 00:11:21,600 WELL, I SAID, "SEND TO EVELYN." 303 00:11:21,601 --> 00:11:24,433 BUT SISSY MUST HAVE THOUGHT I SAID, "SEND TO EVERYONE." 304 00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:26,355 IT'S CLOSE. IT'S REAL CLOSE. 305 00:11:26,356 --> 00:11:27,857 SHE'S FICKLE, SISSY. 306 00:11:27,858 --> 00:11:29,398 ( cellphone rings ) 307 00:11:29,399 --> 00:11:30,569 HOLY CRAP! 308 00:11:30,570 --> 00:11:31,981 OH, THIS ISN'T ANYTHING. 309 00:11:31,982 --> 00:11:33,943 HOW BAD IS IT? 310 00:11:33,944 --> 00:11:35,865 DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO MY CAMPAIGN? 311 00:11:35,866 --> 00:11:37,616 OH, NO, HONEY. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. 312 00:11:37,617 --> 00:11:39,078 YOU KNOW WHAT? BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, 313 00:11:39,079 --> 00:11:41,700 SOME CONGRESSMAN WILL PROPOSITION 314 00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:43,282 AN UNDERCOVER COP IN A BATHROOM, 315 00:11:43,283 --> 00:11:44,994 AND THE REPORTERS WILL FORGET ALL ABOUT US. 316 00:11:44,995 --> 00:11:46,786 OH, YEAH. OR MAYBE IT'LL RAIN FROGS. 317 00:11:46,787 --> 00:11:47,997 YOU KNOW, LIKE IN THE BIBLE. 318 00:11:47,998 --> 00:11:50,790 WELL, THERE YOU GO! PEOPLE LOVE THE BIBLE! 319 00:11:50,791 --> 00:11:53,002 HEY, LISTEN. ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, 320 00:11:53,003 --> 00:11:55,044 I'VE ALMOST FINISHED WITH THE SPEECH THAT THAT I'M GONNA DELIVER 321 00:11:55,045 --> 00:11:56,595 WHEN YOU ANNOUNCE YOUR CANDIDACY. 322 00:11:56,596 --> 00:12:00,719 AND ALL MODESTY ASIDE, I'M VERY PLEASED WITH WHAT I HAVE. 323 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:01,721 EVIDENTLY. 324 00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:03,722 DAD, WAKE UP. 325 00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:04,804 YOU CAN'T ANNOUNCE ME. 326 00:12:04,805 --> 00:12:06,515 BUT, PUMPKIN, I... 327 00:12:06,516 --> 00:12:08,898 I FLEW IN TO BE THERE FOR MY LITTLE GIRL. 328 00:12:08,899 --> 00:12:10,729 AND WHAT WOULD WE HAVE DONE IF YOU DIDN'T? 329 00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:11,941 YOU KNOW WHAT? 330 00:12:11,942 --> 00:12:13,983 I WAS VERY HAPPY WITH MY FLIP PHONE 331 00:12:13,984 --> 00:12:16,405 UNTIL SOMEONE INSISTED THAT I UPGRADE 332 00:12:16,406 --> 00:12:18,277 TO THE DEVIL'S PLAY THING HERE! 333 00:12:18,278 --> 00:12:20,619 OH, I SEE. SO FIRST YOU'RE BLAMING THE PHONE, 334 00:12:20,620 --> 00:12:22,992 AND NOW YOU'RE BLAMING ME? REMIND ME, WAS I IN YOUR HOTEL ROOM LAST NIGHT 335 00:12:22,993 --> 00:12:23,993 PULLING DOWN YOUR PANTS?! 336 00:12:23,994 --> 00:12:26,996 I DON'T KNOW! I WAS DRUNK! 337 00:12:26,997 --> 00:12:29,168 THAT WAS THE GOVERNOR'S OFFICE. 338 00:12:29,169 --> 00:12:31,791 HE'S SUDDENLY NO LONGER AVAILABLE FOR YOUR ANNOUNCEMENT. 339 00:12:31,792 --> 00:12:33,502 NO REASON GIVEN. 340 00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:36,505 OH, I'M SURE IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR UNFORTUNATE PHOTO OP. 341 00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:37,967 LOOK, YOU MAY NOT HAVE THE GOVERNOR, 342 00:12:37,968 --> 00:12:41,010 BUT YOU STILL HAVE OHIO'S MOST BELOVED EX-SENATOR. 343 00:12:41,011 --> 00:12:43,012 SHE WAS REALLY HOPING THAT THE GOVERNOR WOULD BE THERE. 344 00:12:43,013 --> 00:12:45,474 WELL, TAKE IT FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN THERE. 345 00:12:45,475 --> 00:12:48,517 POLITICS IS ALL ABOUT OVERCOMING THE OBSTACLES. 346 00:12:48,518 --> 00:12:50,890 OHH, AND IT'S YOUR JOB TO PROVIDE THE OBSTACLES. 347 00:12:50,891 --> 00:12:52,771 I GET IT NOW! OH. 348 00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:54,564 THANKS, DADDY. 349 00:12:56,656 --> 00:12:58,818 LENNOX, DON'T YOU HAVE CLASSES TODAY? 350 00:12:58,819 --> 00:13:01,610 ( sighs ) YEAH, BUT THERE'S LIKE SIX REPORTERS ON OUR LAWN. 351 00:13:01,611 --> 00:13:03,612 I'M NOT EXACTLY PSYCHED TO ANSWER QUESTIONS LIKE, 352 00:13:03,613 --> 00:13:06,745 "HEY, LITTLE GIRL, IS THIS YOUR GRANDPA'S GOOD SIDE?" 353 00:13:06,746 --> 00:13:08,998 - HEY, GUYS. - AND WHY ARE YOU HOME SO EARLY? 354 00:13:08,999 --> 00:13:11,330 OH, THE PRINCIPAL SAID I WAS A "DISTRACTION." 355 00:13:11,331 --> 00:13:13,122 AND APPARENTLY, SOMEONE THOUGHT THAT I MISSED 356 00:13:13,123 --> 00:13:14,964 THE WHOLE GRANDPA PHOTO THING, 357 00:13:14,965 --> 00:13:17,676 SO THEY PUT A COPY OF IT ON MY LOCKER. 358 00:13:17,677 --> 00:13:20,299 POSTER-SIZED... 359 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:23,092 WITH EYES AND A MUSTACHE. 360 00:13:23,093 --> 00:13:25,885 AND THEY WERE SHOOTING NERF DARTS AT IT. 361 00:13:25,886 --> 00:13:28,137 WOW, I'M GLAD EVERYONE'S SO SENSITIVE TO WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH. 362 00:13:28,138 --> 00:13:31,350 HEY, YOU CAN USE THIS TIME TO COME UP WITH AN IDEA FOR YOUR ENTREPRENEUR'S CLUB. 363 00:13:31,351 --> 00:13:33,062 YEAH, HOW ABOUT A TIME MACHINE, 364 00:13:33,063 --> 00:13:35,855 SO I CAN GO BACK AND SUPERGLUE GRANDPA'S PANTS ON. 365 00:13:35,856 --> 00:13:37,236 YOU KNOW, 366 00:13:37,237 --> 00:13:39,358 IF I WEREN'T ABOUT TO ANNOUNCE MY CANDIDACY, 367 00:13:39,359 --> 00:13:41,240 THIS WOULDN'T HAVE BECOME SUCH A HUGE DEAL. 368 00:13:41,241 --> 00:13:42,942 NOW YOU GUYS ARE HAVING TO PAY THE PRICE. 369 00:13:42,943 --> 00:13:44,113 I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S WORTH IT. 370 00:13:44,114 --> 00:13:46,325 WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT? 371 00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:47,907 WELL, MAYBE THIS ISN'T THE BEST TIME FOR ME 372 00:13:47,908 --> 00:13:49,038 TO BE RUNNING FOR STATE SENATE. 373 00:13:49,039 --> 00:13:50,749 AUNT MEL, ARE YOU KIDDING? 374 00:13:50,750 --> 00:13:51,830 DO YOU REMEMBER THAT WHOLE SCANDAL 375 00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:54,213 BETWEEN OUR FATHER AND OUR JAILBIRD MOTHER? 376 00:13:54,214 --> 00:13:56,665 WE WERE THE "SCANLON BRATS" FOR YEARS. 377 00:13:56,666 --> 00:13:58,217 WE'LL BE OKAY. 378 00:13:58,218 --> 00:14:00,719 AW, HONEY. HOW'D YOU GET TO BE SO BRAVE? 379 00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:04,924 WELL, THERE'S SOMEONE I RESPECT WHO SETS AN INCREDIBLE EXAMPLE FOR ME TO FOLLOW. 380 00:14:04,925 --> 00:14:06,385 - AW, LENNOX. - I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, 381 00:14:06,386 --> 00:14:08,388 HAVE YOU HEARD KATY PERRY'S NEW ALBUM? 382 00:14:12,893 --> 00:14:14,603 HEY, I'M SORRY YOU GOT DRAGGED INTO THAT, JOE. 383 00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:16,775 I MEAN, MY FATHER WAS WAY OUT OF LINE TO BLAME YOU. 384 00:14:16,776 --> 00:14:18,437 THERE'S NO WAY YOU COULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING. 385 00:14:18,438 --> 00:14:21,901 I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER. YOU KNOW YOUR DAD CAN'T RESIST ANY WOMAN. 386 00:14:21,902 --> 00:14:24,073 NOT EVEN ONE WITHOUT A BODY. 387 00:14:24,074 --> 00:14:26,075 YOU KNOW, LENNOX AND RYDER ARE SO GREAT. 388 00:14:26,076 --> 00:14:27,746 I MEAN, WITH ALL THE CRAP THEY'RE HAVING TO PUT UP WITH, 389 00:14:27,747 --> 00:14:30,159 THEY'RE STILL ON BOARD WITH MY CAMPAIGN. 390 00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:32,912 I'M JUST NOT SO SURE THAT I'M STILL ON BOARD. 391 00:14:32,913 --> 00:14:34,833 REALLY? 392 00:14:34,834 --> 00:14:38,207 WELL, YEAH. EVEN THOUGH, I SEEM TO BE THE ONLY ONE THAT HAS ANY DOUBTS. 393 00:14:38,208 --> 00:14:42,841 - WELL, MAYBE NOT THE ONLY ONE. - WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 394 00:14:42,842 --> 00:14:47,426 WELL, HON', YOU KNOW, I WAS ACTUALLY THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOUR DAD WAS SAYING YESTERDAY. 395 00:14:47,427 --> 00:14:50,429 YOU KNOW, THAT IF YOU WIN, YOU'RE GONNA BE IN COLUMBUS FULL-TIME. 396 00:14:50,430 --> 00:14:52,271 AND, OF COURSE, I'M GONNA BE STUCK HERE GETTING LONGO FIT OFF THE GROUND. 397 00:14:52,272 --> 00:14:54,473 AND WE'RE JUST STARTING OUT AS A COUPLE. 398 00:14:54,474 --> 00:14:57,066 AND THAT KIND OF DISTANCE COULD REALLY, YOU KNOW... 399 00:14:57,067 --> 00:14:58,227 MESS THINGS UP. 400 00:14:58,228 --> 00:15:00,859 OH, I SEE. SO YOU'RE NOT SUPPORTIVE 401 00:15:00,860 --> 00:15:02,611 OF MY STATE SENATE RUN. 402 00:15:02,612 --> 00:15:05,824 NO. NO, YOU'RE THE ONE THAT HAS THE DOUBTS, RIGHT? 403 00:15:05,825 --> 00:15:07,196 ISN'T THAT WHY YOU CAME IN HERE? 404 00:15:07,197 --> 00:15:09,408 NO. OBVIOUSLY, I CAME IN 405 00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:11,201 TO INDIRECTLY ASK YOU FOR A PEP TALK. 406 00:15:12,993 --> 00:15:14,493 WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY THAT THEN? 407 00:15:14,494 --> 00:15:15,914 UH, BECAUSE IF I HAD TO ASK DIRECTLY, 408 00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:16,956 THAT WOULD RUIN THE WHOLE THING. 409 00:15:16,957 --> 00:15:18,127 RIGHT NOW 410 00:15:18,128 --> 00:15:19,128 YOU SHOULD BE SAYING, 411 00:15:19,129 --> 00:15:20,299 "DON'T DOUBT YOURSELF. 412 00:15:20,300 --> 00:15:21,300 YOU'RE STRONG. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL. 413 00:15:21,301 --> 00:15:22,541 YOU CAN DO ANYTHING." 414 00:15:22,542 --> 00:15:24,543 OH, I SEE. SO YOU WANT ME TO... 415 00:15:24,544 --> 00:15:26,805 PRETEND THAT I DON'T HAVE ANY DOUBTS? 416 00:15:26,806 --> 00:15:29,638 YES! BECAUSE IF YOU HAVE DOUBTS, THEN I CAN'T HAVE DOUBTS. 417 00:15:29,639 --> 00:15:31,680 I MEAN, COUPLES ARE SUPPOSED TO TAKE TURNS. 418 00:15:31,681 --> 00:15:33,052 RIGHT NOW, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING ME OFF A LEDGE, 419 00:15:33,053 --> 00:15:35,434 NOT YELLING "JUMP JUMP JUMP!" 420 00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:37,356 I'M NOT YELLING "JUMP JUMP," ALL RIGHT? 421 00:15:37,357 --> 00:15:39,558 I'M JUST REMINDING YOU THAT YOU HAVE A LOT OF OPTIONS OUT THERE. 422 00:15:39,559 --> 00:15:43,022 AND JUMPING IS ONE OF THEM. 423 00:15:43,023 --> 00:15:44,563 YOU KNOW WHAT ANOTHER ONE IS? 424 00:15:44,564 --> 00:15:45,564 NOW TALKING TO YOU! 425 00:15:45,565 --> 00:15:47,026 MEL. 426 00:15:47,027 --> 00:15:48,617 ARE YOU... HONEY! 427 00:15:48,618 --> 00:15:49,948 COME ON! LOOK, YOU'RE STRONG. 428 00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:50,910 YOU'RE... YOU'RE... YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL. 429 00:15:50,911 --> 00:15:51,911 YOU CAN... YOU CAN... 430 00:15:51,912 --> 00:15:53,032 OH, GOD. WHO AM I KIDDING? 431 00:15:53,033 --> 00:15:54,874 I'M NOT EVEN LISTENING TO ME. 432 00:16:00,290 --> 00:16:02,921 READ THIS, AND TELL ME IT'S NOT A GREAT SPEECH. 433 00:16:02,922 --> 00:16:04,383 WHY ARE YOU SHOWING THIS TO ME? 434 00:16:04,384 --> 00:16:07,216 WELL, SO SOMEONE CAN APPRECIATE WHAT I DO FOR MY DAUGHTER. 435 00:16:07,217 --> 00:16:09,389 MEL DOESN'T WANT ME INVOLVED AT ALL. 436 00:16:15,055 --> 00:16:16,435 IT'S AMAZING. 437 00:16:16,436 --> 00:16:21,020 I KNOW, RIGHT? SCHOOL KIDS SHOULD HAVE TO MEMORIZE THAT. 438 00:16:21,021 --> 00:16:22,861 I MEANT HOW SELF-INVOLVED YOU ARE. 439 00:16:22,862 --> 00:16:24,193 COME ON, MAN. 440 00:16:24,194 --> 00:16:26,365 MEL'S ANNOUNCING HER CANDIDACY TOMORROW. 441 00:16:26,366 --> 00:16:28,817 AND FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, YOU NEED TO PUT ASIDE YOUR EGO 442 00:16:28,818 --> 00:16:31,280 AND JUST BE THERE FOR HER THE WAY SHE NEEDS YOU TO BE. 443 00:16:31,281 --> 00:16:33,373 YOU OWE HER THAT MUCH. 444 00:16:35,285 --> 00:16:37,206 WE ALL DO. 445 00:16:37,207 --> 00:16:38,617 - ( cellphone dings ) - Sissy: Russell, 446 00:16:38,618 --> 00:16:41,120 here are your reminders for this evening. 447 00:16:41,121 --> 00:16:43,001 Buy flowers for Mel, 448 00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:45,085 and schedule dinner with prostitute. 449 00:16:47,217 --> 00:16:48,927 ( laughs uncomfortably ) 450 00:16:48,928 --> 00:16:51,720 THAT SISSY MISHEARS EVERYTHING. 451 00:16:51,721 --> 00:16:53,932 I BELIEVE I SAID... 452 00:16:53,933 --> 00:16:56,305 "PROTESTANT." 453 00:16:56,306 --> 00:16:58,097 YOU REALLY WANT TO HELP, RUSSELL? 454 00:16:58,098 --> 00:16:59,138 OF COURSE. 455 00:16:59,139 --> 00:17:01,310 BUY THE FLOWERS. 456 00:17:01,311 --> 00:17:03,273 CANCEL THE PROTESTANT. 457 00:17:09,489 --> 00:17:11,700 WHOA, WHAT'S ALL THIS? 458 00:17:11,701 --> 00:17:14,113 THIS IS MY IDEA FOR THE ENTREPRENEUR'S CLUB. 459 00:17:14,114 --> 00:17:16,325 CHECK THIS OUT. 460 00:17:16,326 --> 00:17:18,617 "THINKING OF YOU KEEPS ME 461 00:17:18,618 --> 00:17:20,419 UP ALL NIGHT"? 462 00:17:20,420 --> 00:17:22,371 CHA-CHING. 463 00:17:22,372 --> 00:17:26,465 THIS RIGHT HERE IS GONNA BE THE BIGGEST-SELLING T-SHIRT SINCE "I'M WITH STUPID." 464 00:17:26,466 --> 00:17:29,758 YEAH, BUT YOU ARE KINDA SELLING OUT GRANDPA. 465 00:17:29,759 --> 00:17:31,430 NO. NO NO NO. 466 00:17:31,431 --> 00:17:33,302 GRANDPA DID THIS TO HIMSELF, OKAY? 467 00:17:33,303 --> 00:17:35,344 HE EMBARRASSED US. THIS IS JUST PAYBACK. 468 00:17:35,345 --> 00:17:37,386 YEAH, BUT YOU'RE ALSO SELLING OUT AUNT MEL. 469 00:17:37,387 --> 00:17:38,847 IF HER CAMPAIGN IS GONNA HAVE A CHANCE, 470 00:17:38,848 --> 00:17:40,179 THIS WHOLE THING NEEDS TO BLOW OVER. 471 00:17:40,180 --> 00:17:41,640 AND, UM, 472 00:17:41,641 --> 00:17:43,942 THIS ISN'T HELPING. 473 00:17:43,943 --> 00:17:46,315 YEAH, WELL, GENIUS IDEAS LIKE THIS 474 00:17:46,316 --> 00:17:48,066 DO NOT COME ALONG EVERY DAY, OKAY? 475 00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:51,650 WHAT ABOUT THAT AWESOME CELLPHONE IN A FOAM BALL IDEA? 476 00:17:51,651 --> 00:17:52,651 YOU SAID THAT SUCKED. 477 00:17:52,652 --> 00:17:55,284 GREAT IDEAS ARE ALWAYS LAUGHED AT 478 00:17:55,285 --> 00:17:57,496 AT FIRST. 479 00:17:57,497 --> 00:17:59,328 LOOK AT... LOOK AT THE WRIGHT BROTHERS 480 00:17:59,329 --> 00:18:01,460 AND... AND GANDHI... 481 00:18:01,461 --> 00:18:03,752 AND "DANCING WITH THE STARS." 482 00:18:03,753 --> 00:18:07,256 OKAY, WELL, THIS T-SHIRT WILL DEFINITELY MAKE ME THE $100 I NEED 483 00:18:07,257 --> 00:18:10,169 TO STAY IN THE CLUB, SO IS THAT REALLY SO WRONG? 484 00:18:10,170 --> 00:18:12,341 EH, I DON'T WANNA JUDGE YOU IN ANY WAY. 485 00:18:12,342 --> 00:18:14,973 YOU DO WHATEVER YOU THINK IS RIGHT. 486 00:18:14,974 --> 00:18:16,715 AND THEN WHEN YOU DIE, 487 00:18:16,716 --> 00:18:18,428 ENJOY HELL. 488 00:18:21,481 --> 00:18:22,891 I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. 489 00:18:22,892 --> 00:18:25,724 WELL, BELIEVE IT. THESE TWEETS ABOUT YOU ARE OVERWHELMINGLY POSITIVE. 490 00:18:25,725 --> 00:18:26,725 LOOK. 491 00:18:26,726 --> 00:18:28,437 OH! OH. 492 00:18:28,438 --> 00:18:32,321 SORRY, I JUST HAVE POST-TRAUMATIC SEXTING DISORDER. 493 00:18:32,322 --> 00:18:34,533 AFTER YOUR FATHER'S SELFIE, WE TOOK A POLL. 494 00:18:34,534 --> 00:18:36,235 AND IT TURNS OUT THERE'S AN INCREDIBLE SURGE 495 00:18:36,236 --> 00:18:38,116 - IN SYMPATHY FOR MEL BURKE. - ( door opens ) 496 00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:42,331 YEAH, PEOPLE FEEL LIKE YOU'VE BEEN UNFAIRLY TARRED BY YOUR FATHER'S INDISCRETION. 497 00:18:42,332 --> 00:18:45,164 THE RESULTS ARE: PEOPLE LOVE YOU, MEL. 498 00:18:45,165 --> 00:18:47,746 YOU'RE WELCOME, PUMPKIN. 499 00:18:47,747 --> 00:18:49,168 ( cellphone dings ) 500 00:18:49,169 --> 00:18:50,959 HEY, LOOK AT THAT. 501 00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:53,011 I JUST GOT A TEXT FROM THE GOVERNOR'S OFFICE. 502 00:18:53,012 --> 00:18:55,344 IT TURNS OUT HE'S SUDDENLY AVAILABLE 503 00:18:55,345 --> 00:18:56,925 FOR US. WOW. 504 00:18:56,926 --> 00:18:58,677 THIS FLIP HAS FLOPPED. 505 00:18:58,678 --> 00:18:59,888 HA HA HA. 506 00:18:59,889 --> 00:19:02,261 I GOTTA GO LOCK HIM IN RIGHT NOW. 507 00:19:02,262 --> 00:19:04,473 WOW, THOSE ARE AMAZING NUMBERS. 508 00:19:04,474 --> 00:19:05,974 SWEETHEART, 509 00:19:05,975 --> 00:19:07,396 YOUR CAMPAIGN IS READY TO LAUNCH. 510 00:19:07,397 --> 00:19:08,397 YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY. 511 00:19:08,398 --> 00:19:10,028 WELL, THAT DEPENDS. 512 00:19:10,029 --> 00:19:12,531 DOES MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER STILL HAVE ANY DOUBTS? 513 00:19:12,532 --> 00:19:15,153 JOE? 514 00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:16,535 MEL, I GOTTA BE HONEST WITH YOU. 515 00:19:16,536 --> 00:19:18,076 I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD RUN FOR STATE SENATE. 516 00:19:18,077 --> 00:19:20,909 - YOU STILL DON'T? - I THINK YOU SHOULD RUN FOR CONGRESS. 517 00:19:20,910 --> 00:19:22,701 ISN'T THERE GOING TO BE AN OPEN SEAT NEXT YEAR, RUSSELL? 518 00:19:22,702 --> 00:19:27,085 YES, PAT GEARY'S RETIRING. THE SEAT FOR THIS DISTRICT IS UP FOR GRABS. 519 00:19:27,086 --> 00:19:29,588 WH... WHERE'S THIS COMING FROM? 520 00:19:29,589 --> 00:19:33,382 COME ON, HONEY. YOU ALWAYS SAID YOUR ULTIMATE GOAL WAS WASHINGTON. 521 00:19:33,383 --> 00:19:35,424 CONGRESSWOMAN BURKE. 522 00:19:35,425 --> 00:19:36,465 IT'S GOT A PRETTY NICE RING TO IT, WOULDN'T YOU SAY? 523 00:19:36,466 --> 00:19:38,467 OH-HO-HO, I'D VOTE FOR THAT. 524 00:19:38,468 --> 00:19:41,510 IN FACT, I'D PAY HOMELESS PEOPLE TO VOTE FOR THAT. 525 00:19:41,511 --> 00:19:42,511 OKAY, DON'T DO THAT. 526 00:19:42,512 --> 00:19:44,303 YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH. 527 00:19:44,304 --> 00:19:46,104 WELL, JOE, THAT IS REALLY SWEET. 528 00:19:46,105 --> 00:19:47,306 BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND. 529 00:19:47,307 --> 00:19:49,308 WASHINGTON IS A LOT FURTHER AWAY THAN COLUMBUS. 530 00:19:49,309 --> 00:19:51,230 AND YOU KNOW WHAT? WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT WORK. 531 00:19:51,231 --> 00:19:53,612 IT'S OVER A YEAR FROM NOW. OUR RELATIONSHIP WILL BE A LOT STRONGER BY THEN. 532 00:19:53,613 --> 00:19:56,114 AND YOU KNOW WHAT? LONGO FIT WILL BE NATIONWIDE BY THEN. 533 00:19:56,115 --> 00:19:58,156 SO I'M GONNA BE SPENDING A LOT OF TIME IN D.C. MYSELF. 534 00:19:58,157 --> 00:20:00,198 YEAH, WELL, I CAN TRIM THE FAT OUT OF THE BUDGET, 535 00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:01,410 YOU CAN TRIM THE FAT OUT OF THE POLITICIANS. 536 00:20:01,411 --> 00:20:02,781 YEP! 537 00:20:02,782 --> 00:20:05,454 YOU TWO ARE GONNA BE THE ULTIMATE POWER COUPLE. 538 00:20:05,455 --> 00:20:07,456 COME ON, LET'S GET A PICTURE OF ALL THREE OF US TOGETHER. 539 00:20:07,457 --> 00:20:09,458 - ALL RIGHT, READY? COME ON, GET IN HERE. - ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. 540 00:20:09,459 --> 00:20:11,250 - SMILE. - ( camera shutter clicks ) 541 00:20:11,251 --> 00:20:12,252 ALL RIGHT, LET ME SEE. 542 00:20:13,833 --> 00:20:15,834 OH! OH, GOD. 543 00:20:15,835 --> 00:20:19,428 YOU SCROLLED BACK TOO FAR, HONEY. 544 00:20:19,429 --> 00:20:21,009 WE'RE CANCELLING YOUR PLAN. 545 00:20:21,010 --> 00:20:22,642 NO... 546 00:20:25,345 --> 00:20:27,145 HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THE SHIRTS? 547 00:20:27,146 --> 00:20:28,767 THROWING THEM AWAY. 548 00:20:28,768 --> 00:20:30,269 ALONG WITH ALL THAT MONEY I WOULD HAVE MADE. 549 00:20:30,270 --> 00:20:32,691 THANKS FOR GUILTING ME. 550 00:20:32,692 --> 00:20:34,693 ANYTIME. 551 00:20:34,694 --> 00:20:36,064 LOOK, YOU'RE DOING THE RIGHT THING. 552 00:20:36,065 --> 00:20:39,278 WHERE DID THESE COME FROM? 553 00:20:39,279 --> 00:20:41,159 I'M NOT GONNA LIE, GRANDPA. 554 00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:43,992 THOSE JUST SHOWED UP ON OUR FRONT DOORSTEP. 555 00:20:43,993 --> 00:20:45,324 NO. 556 00:20:45,325 --> 00:20:47,286 HE WAS TRYING TO MAKE MONEY, BUT HE REALIZED 557 00:20:47,287 --> 00:20:49,077 IT WAS IN POOR TASTE, AND CHANGED HIS MIND. 558 00:20:49,078 --> 00:20:51,129 YOU WERE GONNA CHARGE PEOPLE FOR THESE? 559 00:20:51,130 --> 00:20:53,712 YEAH, I KNOW. I'M ASHAMED. 560 00:20:53,713 --> 00:20:56,755 ARE YOU KIDDING? 561 00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:59,339 THESE WILL MAKE GREAT CHRISTMAS GIFTS. 562 00:21:00,680 --> 00:21:02,260 MY FANS WILL THINK THEY'RE FUNNY. 563 00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:03,932 HELL, SO WILL MY ENEMIES. 564 00:21:03,933 --> 00:21:06,975 EITHER WAY, IT KEEPS MY FACE OUT THERE. 565 00:21:06,976 --> 00:21:09,648 HEY, BETTER YOUR FACE THAN ANYTHING ELSE. 566 00:21:09,649 --> 00:21:12,060 DOES YOUR ESTABLISHMENT TAKE CHECKS? 567 00:21:12,061 --> 00:21:14,192 'CAUSE I WANNA BUY ALL OF THEM. 568 00:21:14,193 --> 00:21:16,395 - YOU MEAN IT? - YEAH. 569 00:21:16,396 --> 00:21:18,026 ( chuckles ) I'M GONNA BE 570 00:21:18,027 --> 00:21:20,238 THE BIGGEST MONEYMAKER AT THE ENTREPRENEUR'S CLUB. 571 00:21:20,239 --> 00:21:21,279 THANKS, GRANDPA. 572 00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:23,492 YEAH, THANKS, GRANDPA, FOR EVERYTHING YOU DID 573 00:21:23,493 --> 00:21:24,824 TO MAKE THIS POSSIBLE.