1 00:00:13,394 --> 00:00:16,977 (phone buzzing) 2 00:00:21,482 --> 00:00:23,143 (typing) 3 00:00:23,144 --> 00:00:24,854 EXCUSE ME? 4 00:00:24,855 --> 00:00:28,238 I... I WAS NOT CHECKING MY PHONE. 5 00:00:28,239 --> 00:00:30,200 YES YOU WERE. YEAH. 6 00:00:30,201 --> 00:00:32,532 I'M WORKING HARD OVER HERE AND YOU'RE TEXTING? 7 00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:35,915 WELL, YOU KNOW, I HEARD THE BUZZ AND I HAD TO CHECK. 8 00:00:35,916 --> 00:00:37,657 IT'S NOT LIKE I WAS DRIVING. 9 00:00:37,658 --> 00:00:41,251 ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW? 10 00:00:41,252 --> 00:00:43,293 WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A VERY INTIMATE MOMENT HERE 11 00:00:43,294 --> 00:00:46,256 AND YOU ARE... YOU ARE CHECKING YOUR PHONE. 12 00:00:46,257 --> 00:00:47,627 OKAY, I'M SORRY, JOE. 13 00:00:47,628 --> 00:00:48,928 IT'S JUST I'M A CITY COUNCILWOMAN. 14 00:00:48,929 --> 00:00:51,721 YOU KNOW, THE PEOPLE OF TOLEDO HAVE ME ON CALL 24/7, 15 00:00:51,722 --> 00:00:53,843 AND THAT TEXT COULD HAVE BEEN VERY IMPORTANT. 16 00:00:53,844 --> 00:00:55,265 AND WAS IT? 17 00:00:55,266 --> 00:01:00,230 THAT DEPENDS ON HOW IMPORTANT CAT VIDEOS ARE TO YOU. 18 00:01:00,231 --> 00:01:02,562 LOOK. LOOK IT KEEPS PAWING AT ITS OWN REFLECTION. 19 00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,063 SEE, 'CAUSE IT THINKS IT'S ANOTHER CAT. 20 00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:06,856 ISN'T THAT SO... SOMETHING I CAN WATCH LATER? 21 00:01:06,857 --> 00:01:09,739 OKAY, UH, LOOK, ALL RIGHT, I'M SORRY. 22 00:01:09,740 --> 00:01:12,532 I AM PUTTING THIS AWAY, AND I AM 100% YOURS. 23 00:01:12,533 --> 00:01:14,364 NOW, WHERE WERE WE? 24 00:01:14,365 --> 00:01:16,956 NO. NO, I MEAN I... YOU KNOW, I... 25 00:01:16,957 --> 00:01:18,828 I CAN'T GO BACK. YOU KNOW, I LOST MY PLACE. 26 00:01:18,829 --> 00:01:21,201 I DON'T... YOU KNOW, I WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING TO YOU 27 00:01:21,202 --> 00:01:22,622 LIKE WHAT YOU JUST DID TO ME. 28 00:01:22,623 --> 00:01:24,294 - OH, IS THAT SO? - OH, THAT IS VERY SO. 29 00:01:24,295 --> 00:01:26,296 UH, NEED I REMIND YOU OF A CERTAIN NIGHT 30 00:01:26,297 --> 00:01:28,968 WHEN OUR ROLES WERE REVERSED, AND IN THE MIDDLE OF THINGS, 31 00:01:28,969 --> 00:01:30,970 YOU WERE WATCHING THE SUPER BOWL. 32 00:01:30,971 --> 00:01:33,513 THAT WAS A PREARRANGED FANTASY, AS SPECIFIED 33 00:01:33,514 --> 00:01:38,268 BY THE CONDITIONS ON THE VALENTINE'S DAY COUPON THAT YOU GAVE ME! 34 00:01:38,269 --> 00:01:42,142 LOOK, ADMIT IT, YOU ARE AS EASILY DISTRACTED AS I AM. 35 00:01:42,143 --> 00:01:44,984 NO, NO, NOT WHEN I'M IN BED WITH MY WIFE. 36 00:01:44,985 --> 00:01:46,356 OKAY? ALL RIGHT, WHEN I AM IN HERE, 37 00:01:46,357 --> 00:01:48,188 I AM LIKE LASER FOCUSED, MAN. 38 00:01:48,189 --> 00:01:49,989 MY MOM COULD BE AT THE FOOT OF THIS BED, 39 00:01:49,990 --> 00:01:52,992 GETTING RIPPED LIMB FROM LIMB BY RABID COYOTES, ALL RIGHT? 40 00:01:52,993 --> 00:01:55,114 AND I GOT MY EYE ON THE PRIZE. 41 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:58,578 CAN WE JUST MAYBE MOVE ON? 42 00:01:58,579 --> 00:02:01,120 (sighs) FINE. 43 00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:02,952 I MEAN, I CAN TRY... 44 00:02:02,953 --> 00:02:04,954 (phone buzzing) 45 00:02:04,955 --> 00:02:08,458 OKAY, I'LL JUST TURN THAT OFF. 46 00:02:08,459 --> 00:02:11,050 AWW! 47 00:02:11,051 --> 00:02:14,554 YOU KNOW WHAT? I HOPE YOU ENJOY THAT CAT VIDEO. 48 00:02:14,555 --> 00:02:16,807 'CAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY TAIL YOU'RE GOING TO BE GETTING TONIGHT. 49 00:02:19,850 --> 00:02:21,971 - ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD ♪ - ♪ All good ♪ 50 00:02:21,972 --> 00:02:23,813 - ♪ IT'S OKAY ♪ - ♪ Okay ♪ 51 00:02:23,814 --> 00:02:25,315 - ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪ - ♪ All right ♪ 52 00:02:25,316 --> 00:02:27,317 ♪ AS FAR AS I CAN SEE ♪ 53 00:02:27,318 --> 00:02:29,399 - ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD ♪ - ♪ All good ♪ 54 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:30,820 - ♪ IT'S OKAY ♪ - ♪ Okay ♪ 55 00:02:30,821 --> 00:02:32,822 - ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪ - ♪ All right ♪ 56 00:02:32,823 --> 00:02:35,865 ♪ I GUESS YOU'RE STUCK ♪ 57 00:02:35,866 --> 00:02:38,078 ♪ WITH ME ♪ 58 00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:45,586 OH, GOOD MORNING. 59 00:02:48,589 --> 00:02:49,920 I SAID, GOOD MORNING. 60 00:02:50,881 --> 00:02:53,253 LADIES, EYES UP HERE, OKAY? 61 00:02:53,254 --> 00:02:54,964 YOU KNOW, I MIGHT BE KIND OF OLD-SCHOOL, 62 00:02:54,965 --> 00:02:56,426 BUT MY IDEA OF A SATURDAY-MORNING FAMILY BREAKFAST 63 00:02:56,427 --> 00:02:58,848 INVOLVES EYE CONTACT 64 00:02:58,849 --> 00:03:01,351 AND, I DON'T KNOW, HUMAN INTERACTION. 65 00:03:01,352 --> 00:03:03,433 I'M HAVING LOTS OF HUMAN INTERACTION 66 00:03:03,434 --> 00:03:05,435 WITH MY 806 FRIENDS. 67 00:03:05,436 --> 00:03:08,017 YOU ONLY HAVE 806 FRIENDS? 68 00:03:08,018 --> 00:03:09,520 (sing-song) LOSER. 69 00:03:11,021 --> 00:03:13,403 THOSE AREN'T FRIENDS. NOBODY HAS 806 FRIENDS. 70 00:03:13,404 --> 00:03:15,945 OH YEAH? WELL, I HAVE 3,000 FOLLOWERS. 71 00:03:15,946 --> 00:03:18,988 LENNOX, IF 3,000 PEOPLE WERE FOLLOWING YOU, 72 00:03:18,989 --> 00:03:20,820 IT WOULD BE TERRIFYING, OKAY? 73 00:03:20,821 --> 00:03:23,823 FRIENDS, FOLLOWERS? COME ON, IT'S LIKE ALL WORDS HAVE LOST THEIR MEANING. 74 00:03:23,824 --> 00:03:26,085 WHO NEEDS WORDS WHEN YOU HAVE EMOJIS? 75 00:03:26,086 --> 00:03:29,208 I CAN'T BELIEVE MIRIAM POSTED THIS PHOTO OF ME EATING RAMEN. 76 00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:33,092 I WAS MID-SLURP. NOT EVEN JENNIFER LAWRENCE LOOKS GOOD MID-SLURP. 77 00:03:33,093 --> 00:03:35,044 OH, I'M SORRY, JOE. I DIDN'T SEE YOU. 78 00:03:35,045 --> 00:03:37,467 OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T SEE ME, 'CAUSE I WAS HIDING 79 00:03:37,468 --> 00:03:38,888 RIGHT HERE IN REAL LIFE. 80 00:03:38,889 --> 00:03:40,430 I SAID I'M SORRY. 81 00:03:40,431 --> 00:03:42,101 LOOK, I'M SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT TOO, OKAY? 82 00:03:42,102 --> 00:03:44,013 - GIVE ME A KISS. - (phone beeps) 83 00:03:44,014 --> 00:03:45,805 OOH! 84 00:03:45,806 --> 00:03:48,227 CLEARLY YOU'RE OVERCOME WITH REMORSE. 85 00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:49,939 I AM. ONE SECOND... 86 00:03:49,940 --> 00:03:51,981 AND SEND. 87 00:03:51,982 --> 00:03:54,314 YOU KNOW YOU'RE TETHERED TO THAT THING LIKE AN UMBILICAL CORD. 88 00:03:54,315 --> 00:03:57,026 JOE, WE NEED THESE, OKAY? WE NEED TO BE CONNECTED. 89 00:03:57,027 --> 00:03:59,740 NOT EVERY SINGLE INTIMATE MOMENT OF OUR LIVES. 90 00:04:01,912 --> 00:04:03,913 I'M TALKING ABOUT BREAKFAST. 91 00:04:03,914 --> 00:04:06,286 Both: OH. 92 00:04:06,287 --> 00:04:08,918 YOU KNOW WHAT? I BET THIS FAMILY 93 00:04:08,919 --> 00:04:10,920 COULDN'T GO THE WHOLE WEEKEND WITHOUT LOOKING AT THOSE PHONES. 94 00:04:10,921 --> 00:04:13,833 I COULD, BUT WHAT ABOUT MY HOMEWORK? I HAVE TO GO ONLINE TO GET IT. 95 00:04:13,834 --> 00:04:16,926 LAST NIGHT YOU SAID YOU HAD NO ASSIGNMENTS THIS WEEKEND. 96 00:04:16,927 --> 00:04:19,379 THANKS SO MUCH. 97 00:04:19,380 --> 00:04:21,971 OH, I SEE WHAT YOU WERE DOING. 98 00:04:21,972 --> 00:04:24,183 HEY, LOOK, I'M NOT TELLING ANYONE TO THROW THEIR PHONES AWAY. 99 00:04:24,184 --> 00:04:26,596 I'M JUST SAYING, YOU KNOW, WE CAN'T BE ADDICTED TO THESE THINGS. 100 00:04:26,597 --> 00:04:27,937 EVERYTHING IN MODERATION. 101 00:04:27,938 --> 00:04:29,439 UM, WHAT ABOUT YOU AND WORKING OUT? 102 00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:31,311 DON'T GO OFF-TOPIC. 103 00:04:31,312 --> 00:04:32,942 THAT WAS REALLY WONDERFUL, HONEY. 104 00:04:32,943 --> 00:04:35,355 YOU'VE GIVEN US A LOT TO THINK ABOUT, YOU KNOW? 105 00:04:35,356 --> 00:04:39,949 - (beeps) -SIRI, REMIND ME TO THINK ABOUT WHAT JOE JUST SAID. 106 00:04:39,950 --> 00:04:41,741 ALL RIGHT, HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO. 107 00:04:41,742 --> 00:04:43,953 EVERYBODY REMEMBER OUR LITTLE SWEAR JAR UP HERE 108 00:04:43,954 --> 00:04:44,994 THAT'S FULL OF QUARTERS? 109 00:04:44,995 --> 00:04:47,246 AH, THAT (jackhammer pounding) THING. 110 00:04:47,247 --> 00:04:49,118 (jackhammer continues) 111 00:04:49,119 --> 00:04:51,711 SERIOUSLY? THE BUCHWALDS ARE DOING CONSTRUCTION 112 00:04:51,712 --> 00:04:52,912 ON THE (jackhammer rattles) WEEKEND? 113 00:04:52,913 --> 00:04:54,914 HEY! 114 00:04:54,915 --> 00:04:58,339 SH... (jackhammer rattles)! IT'S 9:00 IN THE MORNING! 115 00:05:01,512 --> 00:05:03,012 AREN'T YOU GOING TO GET SOME CHANGE? 116 00:05:03,013 --> 00:05:04,804 OH, NO, THEY'RE GOING TO BE DOING CONSTRUCTION 117 00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:06,766 ON THAT POOL FOR A LONG TIME. 118 00:05:06,767 --> 00:05:08,638 OKAY, HERE'S THE DEAL, ALL RIGHT? 119 00:05:08,639 --> 00:05:10,430 ANYONE WHO MAKES IT TILL MONDAY MORNING 120 00:05:10,431 --> 00:05:13,272 WITHOUT LOOKING AT THEIR PHONE WILL GET EVERYTHING IN THIS JAR. 121 00:05:13,273 --> 00:05:14,394 (laughs) 122 00:05:14,395 --> 00:05:16,896 PLUS $200 FROM MY WALLET. 123 00:05:16,897 --> 00:05:18,197 - I'M IN. - ME TOO. 124 00:05:18,198 --> 00:05:20,490 ARE YOU GOING TO LOCK UP OUR PHONES? 125 00:05:20,491 --> 00:05:22,201 WE'RE NOT LOCKING ANYTHING UP. 126 00:05:22,202 --> 00:05:24,744 WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE GOING ON THE HONOR SYSTEM. MEL, ARE YOU IN? 127 00:05:24,745 --> 00:05:26,366 ARE YOU GOING TO GUILT ME TO DEATH IF I SAY NO? 128 00:05:26,367 --> 00:05:28,618 COME ON, WOULD I EVER DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT? 129 00:05:28,619 --> 00:05:30,620 I'M IN. 130 00:05:30,621 --> 00:05:33,754 GOOD, ALL RIGHT. SO THE CLOCK STARTS RIGHT NOW. 131 00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:36,416 (phone dings) 132 00:05:36,417 --> 00:05:39,839 OH! OH, CAN YOU DELAY THE CLOCK JUST, LIKE, ONE MINUTE? 133 00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:42,011 NO, I'M SORRY, THAT'S NOT HOW TIME WORKS. 134 00:05:42,012 --> 00:05:43,883 BUT, JOE, THIS GUY MIGHT BE ASKING ME OUT. 135 00:05:43,884 --> 00:05:45,595 ASKING YOU OUT? OKAY, GO AHEAD AND TEXT HIM. 136 00:05:45,596 --> 00:05:48,728 AND LENNOX LASTED ALMOST ONE MINUTE. 137 00:05:48,729 --> 00:05:51,931 NO! NO, I WANT THAT MONEY. 138 00:05:51,932 --> 00:05:54,974 GOOD. OKAY, SO NO TEXTS, 139 00:05:54,975 --> 00:05:57,236 NO EMAILS, NO BROWSING THE INTERNET, 140 00:05:57,237 --> 00:05:59,859 NO CUTE LITTLE ANIMALS OR BABIES PLAYING IN SPAGHETTI, ALL RIGHT? 141 00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:00,940 FOR THE NEXT 48 HOURS. 142 00:06:00,941 --> 00:06:02,782 YOU THINK YOU CAN DO THIS TOO, JOE? 143 00:06:02,783 --> 00:06:04,984 PFF! ARE YOU KIDDING? GIVE ME A PARTY HAT, 144 00:06:04,985 --> 00:06:07,117 BECAUSE THIS IS GOING TO BE A PIECE OF CAKE. 145 00:06:08,829 --> 00:06:11,040 I MEAN, YOU KNOW, I LOVE MY PHONE, MAN, 146 00:06:11,041 --> 00:06:13,874 BUT NOT MORE THAN I LOVE THE PEOPLE AROUND ME. YOU KNOW? 147 00:06:15,796 --> 00:06:17,917 I MEAN, EVERYBODY PRETENDS, YOU KNOW, PHONES ARE FOR CONNECTING. 148 00:06:17,918 --> 00:06:21,000 RIGHT? MY THEORY IS, THEY USE THESE PHONES TO AVOID PEOPLE. 149 00:06:21,001 --> 00:06:22,632 BECAUSE YOU REALLY WANT TO CONNECT, MAN, 150 00:06:22,633 --> 00:06:24,173 YOU DISCONNECT FROM YOUR PHONE, 151 00:06:24,174 --> 00:06:26,175 AND YOU CONNECT TO THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU! YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 152 00:06:26,176 --> 00:06:27,927 YOU TALK TO THEM, YOU LISTEN TO THEM. 153 00:06:27,928 --> 00:06:29,308 - YOU KNOW, JOE... - I'M NOT DONE YET. 154 00:06:29,309 --> 00:06:31,140 I WAS AT THE COFFEE SHOP YESTERDAY, ALL RIGHT? 155 00:06:31,141 --> 00:06:33,933 IT'S FILLED WITH THESE COUPLES WHO ARE NOT TALKING TO EACH OTHER. 156 00:06:33,934 --> 00:06:35,515 YEAH, IT'S A SAD STATE OF... 157 00:06:35,516 --> 00:06:37,106 SHH! I GOT THE ANSWER. 158 00:06:37,107 --> 00:06:39,939 RIGHT? THIS MORNING, I CHALLENGED MY FAMILY 159 00:06:39,940 --> 00:06:42,191 TO NOT USE THEIR SCREENS FOR THE ENTIRE WEEKEND. 160 00:06:42,192 --> 00:06:44,113 SO WE CAN ACTUALLY INTERACT LIKE HUMAN BEINGS 161 00:06:44,114 --> 00:06:45,695 INSTEAD OF LIKE 'BOTS. 162 00:06:45,696 --> 00:06:47,577 - YOU DID THAT? - YEAH, I DID, MAN. 163 00:06:47,578 --> 00:06:49,288 YOU KNOW? AND I'M TURNING THIS WHOLE THING AROUND, ALL RIGHT? 164 00:06:49,289 --> 00:06:50,910 STARTING AT HOME. AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING RIGHT NOW, MORRIS. 165 00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:52,411 IF EVERYBODY DID THAT, 166 00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:55,034 WE COULD CHANGE THIS WHOLE COUNTRY IN 48 HOURS. 167 00:06:55,035 --> 00:06:57,707 RIGHT, NOW I WANT YOU TO STRETCH OUT YOUR HAMMIES. 168 00:06:57,708 --> 00:06:58,918 OKAY. 169 00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:00,920 WOW, I GOTTA SAY, JOE, 170 00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:03,753 YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A VERY PERSUASIVE GUY. 171 00:07:03,754 --> 00:07:06,546 REALLY? OH, YOU KNOW, I JUST SAY WHAT I THINK AND WHAT I FEEL. 172 00:07:06,547 --> 00:07:08,888 I SPEAK FROM WHAT I LIKE TO CALL MY HEART-BRAIN. 173 00:07:08,889 --> 00:07:10,890 HEART-BRAIN. 174 00:07:10,891 --> 00:07:12,972 I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS, BUT I LOVE THE SOUND OF IT. 175 00:07:12,973 --> 00:07:15,434 DO YOU? I'M FULL OF IDEAS LIKE THAT. 176 00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,727 YOU KNOW, I BOOK SPEAKERS FOR CONVENTIONS 177 00:07:17,728 --> 00:07:19,859 AND CORPORATE RETREATS, AND I REALLY THINK 178 00:07:19,860 --> 00:07:21,941 PEOPLE WOULD BE INTERESTED IN WHAT YOU'RE SAYING. 179 00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:23,983 HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT BEING A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER? 180 00:07:23,984 --> 00:07:25,775 YOU MEAN HAVE I THOUGHT ABOUT TALKING PASSIONATELY 181 00:07:25,776 --> 00:07:28,027 FOR A LONG PERIOD OF TIME WHILE AN AUDIENCE HANGS ON MY EVERY WORD? 182 00:07:28,028 --> 00:07:29,619 UM, YEAH. 183 00:07:29,620 --> 00:07:31,531 ONLY, LIKE, ALL THE TIME. 184 00:07:31,532 --> 00:07:34,163 YOU THINK YOU COULD PUT TOGETHER A 45-MINUTE PRESENTATION? 185 00:07:34,164 --> 00:07:36,666 I COULD CUT IT DOWN TO 45 MINUTES. 186 00:07:36,667 --> 00:07:38,167 WHY DON'T YOU PUT SOMETHING TOGETHER, 187 00:07:38,168 --> 00:07:39,959 AND I'LL SEND A CONTRACT OVER LATER. 188 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,381 AND WHEN I GET AN OPENING, I'LL TRY YOU OUT. 189 00:07:42,382 --> 00:07:44,794 ALL RIGHT, THAT SOUNDS GOOD, MAN. THANK YOU. 190 00:07:44,795 --> 00:07:46,385 ALL RIGHT, NOW LET'S GET YOU INTO THE GARAGE. 191 00:07:46,386 --> 00:07:47,927 WE'RE GONNA DO SOME SQUATS WHILE I TELL YOU 192 00:07:47,928 --> 00:07:49,800 HOW I'M GONNA FIX THE NATION'S SCHOOLS. 193 00:07:53,764 --> 00:07:56,516 HEY, MEL, YOU'RE NOT GONNA... 194 00:07:56,517 --> 00:07:59,689 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ARE YOU... ARE YOU MEDITATING? 195 00:07:59,690 --> 00:08:01,941 YES, I OMMMMM. 196 00:08:01,942 --> 00:08:03,983 JUST A LITTLE MEDITATION HUMOR. 197 00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:06,106 I DO THAT EVERY NOW AND ZEN. 198 00:08:07,157 --> 00:08:08,658 ANY MORE? 199 00:08:08,659 --> 00:08:09,869 NO, I'M DONE. 200 00:08:09,870 --> 00:08:11,871 IT TURNS OUT, WITHOUT THE INTERNET, 201 00:08:11,872 --> 00:08:13,873 I HAVE ALL THIS EXTRA TIME I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD. 202 00:08:13,874 --> 00:08:16,786 AND I GOTTA SAY, MEDITATING MAKES YOU FEEL PRETTY GREAT. 203 00:08:16,787 --> 00:08:21,000 YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE TRYING ON SHOES FOR YOUR MIND. 204 00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:23,382 SO WAIT A MINUTE. BY CUTTING YOU OFF FROM YOUR ELECTRONICS, 205 00:08:23,383 --> 00:08:25,795 I'VE JUST GIVEN YOU A WHOLE NEW OUTLOOK ON YOUR LIFE. 206 00:08:25,796 --> 00:08:27,797 THAT'S WHY I CAME IN HERE, HONEY, 207 00:08:27,798 --> 00:08:30,760 BECAUSE I WAS JUST TELLING MY CLIENT MORRIS ABOUT OUR TECH-FREE WEEKEND, 208 00:08:30,761 --> 00:08:32,932 AND IT TURNS OUT HE ARRANGES SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS 209 00:08:32,933 --> 00:08:35,685 AND HE WANTS TO HIRE NONE OTHER THAN JOE LONGO. 210 00:08:35,686 --> 00:08:37,897 OH, WOW, I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU, JOE. 211 00:08:37,898 --> 00:08:39,639 OOH, AND I KNOW JUST HOW WE CAN CELEBRATE. 212 00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:42,021 I WAS THINKING ABOUT IT DURING MY MEDITATION. SHUT THE DOOR. 213 00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:44,024 OOH, OKAY. 214 00:08:46,446 --> 00:08:49,108 NOW YOU AND ME... 215 00:08:49,109 --> 00:08:53,913 HOW ABOUT A LITTLE SECRET PHONE TIME? 216 00:08:53,914 --> 00:08:55,244 ARE YOU SERIOUS? 217 00:08:55,245 --> 00:08:57,206 I THOUGHT YOU WANTED A LITTLE JOE-MANCE. 218 00:08:57,207 --> 00:08:58,918 OKAY, I TOLD YOU NEVER TO USE THAT WORD AGAIN. 219 00:08:58,919 --> 00:09:01,330 BESIDES, WE CAN DO THAT ANYTIME, 220 00:09:01,331 --> 00:09:03,963 BUT WE ONLY HAVE A FEW MINUTES TO CHECK OUR EMAILS BEFORE THE KIDS NOTICE WE'RE GONE. 221 00:09:03,964 --> 00:09:06,836 - WE ALL MADE A PACT. - I LEARNED MY LESSON. 222 00:09:06,837 --> 00:09:09,048 DON'T I DESERVE A DIGITAL QUICKIE? THE KIDS DON'T HAVE TO KNOW. 223 00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:11,170 DOESN'T SOUND LIKE YOU'VE COMPLETELY LEARNED YOUR LESSON. 224 00:09:11,171 --> 00:09:13,552 OKAY OKAY OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT. I DIDN'T LEARN MY LESSON, 225 00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:14,884 'CAUSE WE'RE ADULTS. 226 00:09:14,885 --> 00:09:17,386 IT'S TOO LATE FOR US TO LEARN LESSONS. 227 00:09:17,387 --> 00:09:19,268 LOOK, MEL, I KNOW IT'S HARD, ALL RIGHT, 228 00:09:19,269 --> 00:09:20,730 BUT YOU NEVER KNOW IF YOU'RE GOING TO ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING 229 00:09:20,731 --> 00:09:21,851 UNTIL YOU ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISH IT. 230 00:09:21,852 --> 00:09:23,683 OOH. 231 00:09:23,684 --> 00:09:27,316 THAT'S A GOOD LINE. I GOTTA USE THAT FOR MY SPEECH. 232 00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:28,948 I'M SORRY, OKAY, ANYWAY, BACK TO YOU. 233 00:09:28,949 --> 00:09:31,951 THE POINT IS, HONEY, I KNOW YOU CAN ABSTAIN FROM USING THAT PHONE 234 00:09:31,952 --> 00:09:33,783 FOR THE NEXT 48 HOURS. 235 00:09:33,784 --> 00:09:36,696 OKAY, FINE, YOU CONVINCED ME. 236 00:09:36,697 --> 00:09:38,497 I CAN DO THIS. 237 00:09:38,498 --> 00:09:40,499 SEE WHAT I JUST DID RIGHT THERE. 238 00:09:40,500 --> 00:09:43,292 I'M TELLING YOU SOMETHING, I'M LIKE A NATURAL MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER. 239 00:09:43,293 --> 00:09:44,624 I MEAN, I PSYCH YOU UP, BABY. 240 00:09:44,625 --> 00:09:46,005 I MOVE YOU FORWARD, ALL RIGHT? 241 00:09:46,006 --> 00:09:47,877 I MAKE YOU BECOME THE BEST VERSION OF YOU... 242 00:09:47,878 --> 00:09:50,470 OKAY, STOP. YOU'RE MOTIVATING ME TO JUMP OUT THE WINDOW. 243 00:09:52,673 --> 00:09:54,884 OKAY, I'M GOING TO BE THE RACE CAR, 244 00:09:54,885 --> 00:09:57,476 DANI'S GOING TO BE THE HAT, LENNOX IS GOING TO BE THE DOG, 245 00:09:57,477 --> 00:10:00,019 - AND AS USUAL, MEL IS GOING TO BE... - All: THE SHOE. 246 00:10:00,020 --> 00:10:01,560 YOU LEARN FAST. 247 00:10:01,561 --> 00:10:04,934 EDUCATED GUESS. ZAPPOS JUST SENT HER A SHOT GLASS. 248 00:10:04,935 --> 00:10:07,777 LOOK AT US. LOOK AT US HERE, HUH? 249 00:10:07,778 --> 00:10:09,939 WE'RE CONNECTING AND NOT USING ANY SCREENS. 250 00:10:09,940 --> 00:10:12,111 - MEL? - Mel: I'LL BE RIGHT THERE. 251 00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:14,443 OH, HEY, DANI? 252 00:10:14,444 --> 00:10:15,865 EVERYONE GETS $2500. 253 00:10:15,866 --> 00:10:17,787 NO, THEY DON'T. CHECK THE RULES. 254 00:10:17,788 --> 00:10:20,369 AUNT MEL TORE UP THE RULES LAST TIME WE PLAYED. 255 00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:21,791 WELL, THEN LOOK THEM UP ONLINE. 256 00:10:21,792 --> 00:10:23,162 NO, NO, NO. NO, REMEMBER? 257 00:10:23,163 --> 00:10:25,044 NOBODY'S GOING ONLINE UNTIL MONDAY. 258 00:10:25,045 --> 00:10:26,375 YEAH, BUT JOE, WE NEED RULES. 259 00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:27,837 WELL, I'M NOT PLAYING UNLESS WE'RE PLAYING CORRECTLY. 260 00:10:27,838 --> 00:10:30,009 I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO PLAY THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE. 261 00:10:30,010 --> 00:10:31,460 I WANTED TO PLAY SCRABBLE. 262 00:10:31,461 --> 00:10:33,963 WELL, IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE WE CHOSE THIS... 263 00:10:33,964 --> 00:10:36,135 - (Lennox and Dani shouting) -WE CHOSE THIS GAME, AND WE'RE GONNA PLAY THIS GAME! 264 00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:37,807 AW, YOU GUYS STARTED YELLING WITHOUT ME. 265 00:10:37,808 --> 00:10:40,309 BUT THAT'S MY FAVORITE PART OF FAMILY GAME NIGHT. 266 00:10:40,310 --> 00:10:42,852 WE'RE NOT YELLING, HONEY. WE'RE CONNECTING... 267 00:10:42,853 --> 00:10:44,523 VERY LOUDLY. 268 00:10:44,524 --> 00:10:45,935 YEAH, WELL, CHECK THIS OUT, JOE. 269 00:10:45,936 --> 00:10:47,817 A MESSENGER JUST DROPPED OFF SOME CONTRACTS FOR YOU TO SIGN. 270 00:10:47,818 --> 00:10:49,318 IT'S FOR YOUR SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT. 271 00:10:49,319 --> 00:10:51,941 - THAT WAS FAST. AWESOME! - YEAH. 272 00:10:51,942 --> 00:10:54,233 - READ THE NOTE ON THE COVER. - OH. 273 00:10:54,234 --> 00:10:56,445 "JOE, A SPEAKER GOT SICK AND I HAVE AN OPENING 274 00:10:56,446 --> 00:10:59,949 "FOR TOMORROW. TEXT ME IF YOU'RE AVAILABLE." 275 00:10:59,950 --> 00:11:00,831 THAT'S SWEET! 276 00:11:00,832 --> 00:11:02,912 - I'M GONNA GO... - WHAT? 277 00:11:02,913 --> 00:11:04,744 WHAT, JOE? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA GO DO? 278 00:11:04,745 --> 00:11:07,047 I'M GONNA... 279 00:11:08,919 --> 00:11:12,211 I'M GONNA THINK ABOUT IT. 280 00:11:12,212 --> 00:11:14,884 YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TEXT HIM BACK? 281 00:11:14,885 --> 00:11:19,098 NO. NO, I'M NOT, BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING TO VIOLATE MY PLEDGE. 282 00:11:19,099 --> 00:11:21,972 YOU KNOW? THERE'LL BE OTHER SPEAKING OPPORTUNITIES. 283 00:11:24,514 --> 00:11:26,605 WOW, THEY REALLY PAY A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS. 284 00:11:26,606 --> 00:11:27,937 REALLY? YOU KNOW WHAT? IT DOESN'T MATTER. 285 00:11:27,938 --> 00:11:29,398 DOESN'T MATTER, ALL RIGHT? 286 00:11:29,399 --> 00:11:30,980 MONEY... MONEY DOESN'T MATTER, OKAY? 287 00:11:30,981 --> 00:11:32,271 BECAUSE THIS IS ABOUT PRINCIPLE, MEL. 288 00:11:32,272 --> 00:11:35,695 AND AFTER ALL, WHO ARE WE WITHOUT OUR PRINCIPLES? 289 00:11:37,868 --> 00:11:40,240 (typing) 290 00:11:41,912 --> 00:11:43,744 (beeping) 291 00:11:50,460 --> 00:11:52,211 THIS IS NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE. 292 00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:53,923 WELL, WELL, WELL. 293 00:11:53,924 --> 00:11:57,636 THE ROLE MODEL IS CAUGHT TEXTING IN THE CLOSET. 294 00:11:57,637 --> 00:11:59,428 DOES THIS SERIOUSLY LOOK LIKE I'M TEXTING TO YOU? 295 00:11:59,429 --> 00:12:01,430 ALL RIGHT? BECAUSE THAT IS NOT WHAT I'M DOING, ALL RIGHT? 296 00:12:01,431 --> 00:12:04,013 WHAT I'M DOING HERE IS I'M LOOKING UP MORRIS'S CONTACT INFO. 297 00:12:04,014 --> 00:12:06,645 - IN THE CLOSET? - I DON'T HAVE IT ANYWHERE ELSE. 298 00:12:06,646 --> 00:12:09,018 BESIDES, IF PEOPLE SAW ME USING MY PHONE, 299 00:12:09,019 --> 00:12:10,900 THEY'D THINK I WAS ACTUALLY TEXTING. 300 00:12:10,901 --> 00:12:12,852 I MEAN, YOU JUST DID. 301 00:12:12,853 --> 00:12:16,025 RELAX, JOE. I WON'T TELL ANYBODY. 302 00:12:16,026 --> 00:12:18,357 LENNOX, THERE IS NOTHING TO TELL HERE, ALL RIGHT? 303 00:12:18,358 --> 00:12:20,159 BUT THANK YOU. 304 00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:21,530 LET ME FINISH. 305 00:12:21,531 --> 00:12:23,322 I WON'T TELL ANYBODY ABOUT YOUR TEXTING 306 00:12:23,323 --> 00:12:25,164 IF YOU DON'T TELL ANYBODY ABOUT MY THREE TEXTS. 307 00:12:25,165 --> 00:12:27,917 WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE. I DID ONE TEXT. WHY DO YOU GET THREE TEXTS? 308 00:12:27,918 --> 00:12:30,039 OH, HEY, IF THAT'S A PROBLEM, I CAN JUST GO TELL AUNT MEL 309 00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:31,211 ABOUT YOUR CLOSET AFFAIRS. 310 00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:35,295 WELL, I DEFINITELY WOULDN'T WORD IT THAT WAY. 311 00:12:36,546 --> 00:12:39,378 ALL RIGHT, FINE. FINE, YOU GET THREE TEXTS. 312 00:12:39,379 --> 00:12:41,140 AND YOU LOOK SO INNOCENT. 313 00:12:41,141 --> 00:12:42,972 AH, FINALLY! 314 00:12:42,973 --> 00:12:44,934 I CAN USE MY THUMBS THE WAY GOD INTENDED. 315 00:12:44,935 --> 00:12:46,847 (typing) 316 00:12:57,607 --> 00:12:59,820 - (typing) - (cat meows) 317 00:13:03,033 --> 00:13:04,533 (clears throat) 318 00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:06,996 I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED! THE PHONE FELL INTO MY HANDS. 319 00:13:06,997 --> 00:13:08,327 OH, YOU'RE NOT JOE. 320 00:13:08,328 --> 00:13:09,909 YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TELL HIM, ARE YOU? 321 00:13:09,910 --> 00:13:11,961 TELL JOE WHAT? 322 00:13:11,962 --> 00:13:15,044 OH, YOU'RE BAD... IN THE GOOD WAY. 323 00:13:15,045 --> 00:13:17,047 MOVE OVER. 324 00:13:22,923 --> 00:13:26,555 AH, LOOK AT ME! I WAS ABOUT TO PLUG IN MY PHONE TO RECHARGE IT, 325 00:13:26,556 --> 00:13:28,848 BUT SINCE I DIDN'T USE IT TODAY, NO NEED. 326 00:13:28,849 --> 00:13:30,980 BECAUSE YOUR WORDS MOTIVATED ME, JOE. 327 00:13:30,981 --> 00:13:33,192 YOU KNOW, THANKS FOR BEING SUCH A GOOD ROLE MODEL. 328 00:13:33,193 --> 00:13:34,984 YEAH, YEAH. YOU KNOW, LISTEN, MEL, 329 00:13:34,985 --> 00:13:36,525 I ACTUALLY HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING. 330 00:13:36,526 --> 00:13:37,897 THIS WHOLE NO-CELL-PHONE CHALLENGE 331 00:13:37,898 --> 00:13:39,608 WAS A LOT HARDER THAN I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE, 332 00:13:39,609 --> 00:13:41,401 AND THE TRUTH IS, HONEY... 333 00:13:42,993 --> 00:13:44,533 I BARELY MADE IT THROUGH THE FIRST DAY. 334 00:13:44,534 --> 00:13:45,865 I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. 335 00:13:45,866 --> 00:13:47,746 I MEAN, THOSE SCREENS ARE SO TEMPTING. 336 00:13:47,747 --> 00:13:48,868 YEAH, THEY REALLY ARE, SO TEMPTING. 337 00:13:48,869 --> 00:13:50,329 BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, BABY? YOU JUST GOTTA BE STRONG. 338 00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:51,620 SO STRONG. 339 00:13:51,621 --> 00:13:53,042 WELL, I GOTTA GET TO SLEEP 340 00:13:53,043 --> 00:13:54,753 BECAUSE I GOTTA GET UP EARLY. 341 00:13:54,754 --> 00:13:56,165 I HAVE MY FIRST SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT TOMORROW. 342 00:13:56,166 --> 00:13:58,627 OH, YOU GOT THE GIG? CONGRATULATIONS. 343 00:13:58,628 --> 00:13:59,959 THANKS. YEAH, I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT IT. 344 00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:01,961 WOW, THAT'S AWESOME. 345 00:14:01,962 --> 00:14:04,263 WAIT A MINUTE, I'M CONFUSED. 346 00:14:04,264 --> 00:14:07,226 UM, HOW DID YOU BOOK THIS GIG FOR TOMORROW? 347 00:14:07,227 --> 00:14:09,469 HUH? 348 00:14:10,810 --> 00:14:12,681 I MEAN, WITHOUT USING YOUR PHONE, 349 00:14:12,682 --> 00:14:14,473 LIKE, HOW DID YOU GET IN TOUCH WITH HIM? 350 00:14:14,474 --> 00:14:18,817 DID YOU USE SOME SORT OF, I DON'T KNOW, HOGWARTS OWL? 351 00:14:18,818 --> 00:14:22,361 (laughs) GOOD ONE. YOU'RE HILARIOUS. 352 00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:25,074 I'M FALLING ASLEEP RIGHT NOW. GOOD NIGHT. 353 00:14:25,075 --> 00:14:26,986 I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU BROKE YOUR PLEDGE. 354 00:14:26,987 --> 00:14:28,697 YOU TEXTED HIM! 355 00:14:28,698 --> 00:14:30,749 ALL WHILE I'M MAKING THIS HUGE SACRIFICE. 356 00:14:30,750 --> 00:14:33,452 HUGE SACRIFICE! YOU MISSED OUT ON A DAY OF CAT VIDEOS. 357 00:14:33,453 --> 00:14:35,544 YEAH, JOE! A WHOLE DAY! 358 00:14:35,545 --> 00:14:36,996 YOU KNOW WHAT, JOE? 359 00:14:36,997 --> 00:14:39,128 - KNOCK KNOCK. - WHO'S THERE? 360 00:14:39,129 --> 00:14:41,710 HYPOCRITE. YOU'RE A BIG HYPOCRITE. 361 00:14:41,711 --> 00:14:43,923 THAT'S NOT EVEN THE CORRECT FORM OF A KNOCK-KNOCK JOKE. 362 00:14:43,924 --> 00:14:46,385 OH YEAH? KNOCK KNOCK, WHO CARES? 363 00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:49,929 LISTEN, GIVING THIS SPEECH IS NOT JUST ABOUT ME, ALL RIGHT? 364 00:14:49,930 --> 00:14:51,931 IT'S ABOUT HELPING PEOPLE TO LEAD BETTER LIVES. 365 00:14:51,932 --> 00:14:54,723 IT'S NOT SO HARD, JOE. JUST ADMIT WHAT YOU DID WAS WRONG. 366 00:14:54,724 --> 00:14:57,686 OKAY, FINE, I'LL ADMIT THAT WHAT I DID WAS SLIGHTLY INCONSISTENT. 367 00:14:57,687 --> 00:14:59,858 UH, INCONSISTENT WITH BEING RIGHT? 368 00:14:59,859 --> 00:15:03,322 WHATEVER! ALL RIGHT, I SAID ONE THING AND THEN DID ANOTHER! 369 00:15:03,323 --> 00:15:04,903 THAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A HYPOCRITE. 370 00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:07,156 YOU KNOW WHAT? SOME OF THE MOST EFFECTIVE MEN IN HISTORY 371 00:15:07,157 --> 00:15:08,988 HAVE BEEN BIG HYPOCRITES IN THEIR PERSONAL LIFE. 372 00:15:08,989 --> 00:15:11,830 - THAT'S YOUR DEFENSE? - I DON'T KNOW! 373 00:15:11,831 --> 00:15:13,622 IS IT WORKING? 374 00:15:13,623 --> 00:15:15,834 I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. YOU'RE CHECKING TEXTS, 375 00:15:15,835 --> 00:15:16,875 DANI'S CHECKING EMAILS. 376 00:15:16,876 --> 00:15:18,537 WHOA WHOA, WAIT A MINUTE. BACK UP. 377 00:15:18,538 --> 00:15:19,959 DANI CHEATED? 378 00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:21,880 I DID NOT TELL YOU THAT. 379 00:15:21,881 --> 00:15:23,802 BUT YOU KNOW, AT LEAST SHE WASN'T CLAIMING TO BE A ROLE MODEL. 380 00:15:23,803 --> 00:15:25,674 ALL RIGHT. 381 00:15:25,675 --> 00:15:27,676 HEY, LOOK, LET'S JUST END THIS NOW. 382 00:15:27,677 --> 00:15:29,928 WE SHOULDN'T GO TO BED ANGRY. IT'S NOT GOOD TO GO TO BED ANGRY. 383 00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:31,720 ALL RIGHT? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT... 384 00:15:31,721 --> 00:15:33,812 I THINK I GOT A LITTLE SOMETHING 385 00:15:33,813 --> 00:15:35,264 THAT WILL HELP YOU RELAX, 386 00:15:35,265 --> 00:15:38,767 MAYBE EVEN, YOU KNOW, HELP YOU SLEEP BETTER. 387 00:15:38,768 --> 00:15:40,769 MMM. SO DO I. 388 00:15:40,770 --> 00:15:43,652 - MMM. - HOT, HOT CAT VIDEOS. 389 00:15:43,653 --> 00:15:46,615 BUT I'M NOT GOING TO WATCH THEM, BECAUSE SOMEONE IN THIS HOUSE HAS RESTRAINT. 390 00:15:46,616 --> 00:15:49,029 OH, OH, OH, HEY, LOOK! IT'S ME! 391 00:15:59,209 --> 00:16:01,380 HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 392 00:16:01,381 --> 00:16:03,382 SHOULDN'T YOU BE ON YOUR WAY TO YOUR BIG SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT? 393 00:16:03,383 --> 00:16:05,964 MEL, HOW CAN I GO OUT THERE IN FRONT OF ALL THOSE PEOPLE 394 00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:08,137 AND TELL THEM TO DO SOMETHING THAT I COULDN'T DO? 395 00:16:08,138 --> 00:16:09,888 HOW WOULD I FEEL ABOUT MYSELF? 396 00:16:09,889 --> 00:16:11,890 ANSWER? NOT GREAT. 397 00:16:11,891 --> 00:16:14,053 LOOK, I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID ALL THOSE THINGS I SAID LAST NIGHT. 398 00:16:14,054 --> 00:16:16,055 NO, HONEY, YOU WERE RIGHT. 399 00:16:16,056 --> 00:16:17,476 I WAS BEING A TOTAL HYPOCRITE. 400 00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:18,897 NO, YOU WERE RIGHT. 401 00:16:18,898 --> 00:16:19,938 AND YOU WERE RIGHT FIRST. 402 00:16:19,939 --> 00:16:22,521 I DO SPEND TOO MUCH TIME STARING AT MY PHONE, 403 00:16:22,522 --> 00:16:24,653 BECAUSE IT'S EASY, 404 00:16:24,654 --> 00:16:26,445 AND REAL INTERACTION IS HARD, 405 00:16:26,446 --> 00:16:29,198 ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVE TO APOLOGIZE TO YOUR HUSBAND FOR OVERREACTING. 406 00:16:29,199 --> 00:16:31,780 LOOK, SURE, YOU'RE NOT PERFECT, 407 00:16:31,781 --> 00:16:34,283 BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY ISN'T VALUABLE, 408 00:16:34,284 --> 00:16:36,075 AND IT'LL BE VALUABLE TO THAT AUDIENCE TOO. 409 00:16:36,076 --> 00:16:37,246 YOU REALLY THINK SO? 410 00:16:37,247 --> 00:16:38,827 OF COURSE I DO. 411 00:16:38,828 --> 00:16:40,879 YOU'RE FULL OF GOOD IDEAS, BETWEEN LONGO FIT AND THIS, 412 00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:42,751 YOU SHOULD REALLY WRITE A BOOK. 413 00:16:42,752 --> 00:16:44,713 HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT DOING THAT? 414 00:16:44,714 --> 00:16:46,545 YOU MEAN, HAVE I EVER THOUGHT ABOUT EXPRESSING MYSELF 415 00:16:46,546 --> 00:16:49,469 WITHOUT BEING INTERRUPTED FOR 200 PAGES? UM, YEAH. 416 00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:53,262 - ONLY, LIKE, ALL THE TIME. - WELL, THEN DO IT. 417 00:16:53,263 --> 00:16:55,684 BUT FIRST YOU SHOULD GET GOING SO YOU'RE NOT LATE TO YOUR SPEECH. 418 00:16:55,685 --> 00:16:57,556 THOSE PEOPLE ARE COUNTING ON YOU. 419 00:16:57,557 --> 00:17:00,689 OH MY GOD. YOU'RE TOTALLY RIGHT. 420 00:17:00,690 --> 00:17:01,850 AGAIN. 421 00:17:01,851 --> 00:17:03,562 NOT THAT I'M KEEPING TRACK. 422 00:17:03,563 --> 00:17:04,943 WHAT WOULD I DO WITHOUT YOU? 423 00:17:04,944 --> 00:17:06,445 - MWAH! - ALL RIGHT, GOOD LUCK. 424 00:17:06,446 --> 00:17:08,148 YEAH! THANK YOU. 425 00:17:11,411 --> 00:17:14,533 WAIT, SO WHICH ONE OF YOU IS THE MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER? 426 00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:16,955 WELL, ME, BUT I CAN'T PURSUE ALL OF MY TALENTS 427 00:17:16,956 --> 00:17:19,329 OR THE REST OF THE WORLD WOULD JUST GET JEALOUS. 428 00:17:21,831 --> 00:17:23,662 HEY THERE, FAMILY. 429 00:17:23,663 --> 00:17:25,254 OH, LOOK WHO'S HOME. 430 00:17:25,255 --> 00:17:27,666 - HOW'D THE SPEECH GO, JOE? - IT WENT AMAZING. 431 00:17:27,667 --> 00:17:29,338 A LOT OF PEOPLE CAME UP TO ME AFTER THE SPEECH 432 00:17:29,339 --> 00:17:31,340 AND TOLD ME JUST HOW INSPIRED THEY WERE. 433 00:17:31,341 --> 00:17:34,553 ACTUALLY, ONE GUY... HE GOT OUT OF HIS WHEELCHAIR TO THANK ME. 434 00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:37,176 I MEAN, YOU KNOW, I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE CREDIT FOR THAT, 435 00:17:37,177 --> 00:17:41,140 BUT YOU CAN'T CALL IT A COINCIDENCE. 436 00:17:41,141 --> 00:17:43,021 WOW. 437 00:17:43,022 --> 00:17:45,774 I NEED A MOMENT AFTER THAT ONE. 438 00:17:45,775 --> 00:17:47,566 ANYWAY, THE COOLEST THING IS THAT A FEW PEOPLE 439 00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:49,188 ACTUALLY CAME UP TO ME AFTER I WAS DONE TALKING, 440 00:17:49,189 --> 00:17:50,569 AND THEY ASKED ME IF THEY COULD BUY MY BOOK. 441 00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:52,691 - AND WHAT DID YOU SAY? - I SAID, "PRE-ORDER IT RIGHT NOW 442 00:17:52,692 --> 00:17:55,154 "BECAUSE AS IT HAPPENS, I'M WRITING ONE." 443 00:17:55,155 --> 00:17:56,575 THAT'S GREAT, JOE. 444 00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:58,287 WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? PUT ME DOWN FOR A PRE-ORDER TOO. 445 00:17:58,288 --> 00:18:01,870 ME TOO. BUT CAN I GET MINE IN AN E-BOOK? 446 00:18:01,871 --> 00:18:02,911 ABSOLUTELY. 447 00:18:02,912 --> 00:18:04,753 YOU SEE? I'M NOT ANTI-TECHNOLOGY. 448 00:18:04,754 --> 00:18:07,005 AND ALSO, IF I'M GOING TO GET IT IN AN E-BOOK, 449 00:18:07,006 --> 00:18:10,470 I'M ALSO GOING TO NEED AN E-BOOK READER WITH A LEATHER CASE. 450 00:18:12,262 --> 00:18:13,802 YOU WANT ME TO READ YOUR BOOK, DON'T YOU? 451 00:18:13,803 --> 00:18:16,175 I'LL THINK ABOUT IT. OKAY? 452 00:18:16,176 --> 00:18:18,387 BUT I HAVE TO TELL YOU GUYS, I COULD NOT HAVE DONE ANY OF IT 453 00:18:18,388 --> 00:18:19,978 WITHOUT THIS LOVELY LADY HERE TODAY. 454 00:18:19,979 --> 00:18:21,890 I MEAN, SHE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO HAD THE CONVICTION 455 00:18:21,891 --> 00:18:23,312 AND THE CHARACTER TO STICK IT OUT, YOU KNOW, 456 00:18:23,313 --> 00:18:25,894 AND NOT LOOK AT A PHONE OR A SCREEN 457 00:18:25,895 --> 00:18:27,726 OR SEND A SINGLE TEXT. 458 00:18:27,727 --> 00:18:28,937 I MEAN, I CRACKED, YOU KNOW? 459 00:18:28,938 --> 00:18:30,729 - LENNOX CRACKED. - HEY! 460 00:18:30,730 --> 00:18:32,321 I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T GOING TO OUT ME. 461 00:18:32,322 --> 00:18:34,404 - BUT DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER NOW? - NO. 462 00:18:36,656 --> 00:18:38,997 DON'T FEEL BAD, OKAY? DANI CRACKED TOO. 463 00:18:38,998 --> 00:18:40,619 WHAT? I DID NOT. 464 00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:42,040 DANI, MEL TOLD ME. 465 00:18:42,041 --> 00:18:44,203 - BUT SHE WAS THE ONE... - DANI, IT IS RUDE 466 00:18:44,204 --> 00:18:46,206 TO INTERRUPT YOUR FATHER WHEN HE'S SPEAKING. 467 00:18:48,418 --> 00:18:49,709 FINE. 468 00:18:51,961 --> 00:18:53,922 WAIT, WHY'D YOU DO THAT? YOU DIDN'T SAY ANY SWEAR WORDS. 469 00:18:53,923 --> 00:18:58,136 YEAH, BUT I'LL BE SAYING PLENTY LATER IN MY BEDROOM. 470 00:18:58,137 --> 00:19:00,809 AND SO... CAN I HAVE THAT JAR, PLEASE, SWEETIE? 471 00:19:00,810 --> 00:19:03,021 PER OUR AGREEMENT... 472 00:19:03,022 --> 00:19:04,523 MEL... 473 00:19:04,524 --> 00:19:06,185 YOU GET THE WINNINGS. 474 00:19:06,186 --> 00:19:08,727 - OH. - AW. 475 00:19:08,728 --> 00:19:10,819 WOW. YOU KNOW, I WASN'T EXPECTING TO WIN, 476 00:19:10,820 --> 00:19:12,271 SO I DIDN'T PREPARE A SPEECH. 477 00:19:12,272 --> 00:19:14,033 THAT'S OKAY, NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ONE. 478 00:19:15,325 --> 00:19:17,035 CONGRATULATIONS, MEL. 479 00:19:17,036 --> 00:19:19,618 WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THAT BIG PILE OF CASH YOU WON... 480 00:19:19,619 --> 00:19:23,041 FAIRLY AND SQUARELY? 481 00:19:23,042 --> 00:19:26,124 UH, WELL, I'M NOT... I'M NOT SURE YET. 482 00:19:26,125 --> 00:19:28,547 YOU KNOW, I HAVE TO HAND IT TO YOU, AUNT MEL, 483 00:19:28,548 --> 00:19:31,049 I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D BE ABLE TO SURVIVE THE DEPRAVATION. 484 00:19:31,050 --> 00:19:34,052 JEEZ, I WISH I HAD YOUR DISCIPLINE. 485 00:19:34,053 --> 00:19:36,555 SEE, GIRLS, IT JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU, 486 00:19:36,556 --> 00:19:38,797 NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THIS WOMAN RIGHT HERE. 487 00:19:38,798 --> 00:19:42,892 YOU KNOW, BECAUSE SHE IS CAPABLE OF SO MUCH MORE THAN WE KNOW. 488 00:19:43,853 --> 00:19:46,935 ALL RIGHT! I CHEATED TOO. 489 00:19:46,936 --> 00:19:48,437 OKAY, I WATCHED KITTENS VERSUS DUCKLINGS, 490 00:19:48,438 --> 00:19:51,770 AND IT WAS ADORABLE. YOU KNOW, WE ALL CHEATED, 491 00:19:51,771 --> 00:19:54,112 SO NOBODY DESERVES THIS MONEY FROM THE SWEAR JAR. 492 00:19:54,113 --> 00:19:55,904 WE ARE GIVING IT TO CHARITY. 493 00:19:55,905 --> 00:19:59,078 EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THIS HOUSE CHEATS LIKE (jackhammer pounding). 494 00:20:02,872 --> 00:20:06,164 WELL, WELL, WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT BACK ON THE TECHNOLOGY SAUCE, HUH? 495 00:20:06,165 --> 00:20:09,167 I SURE AM, BUT, YOU SEE, I AM USING THE COMPUTER FOR GOOD NOW. 496 00:20:09,168 --> 00:20:10,999 BECAUSE I CLEARED MY SCHEDULE OUT FOR THE DAY 497 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:13,422 SO I COULD SIT DOWN AND START TO WRITE MY BOOK. 498 00:20:13,423 --> 00:20:15,464 OH, GOOD FOR YOU. HOW MANY PAGES HAVE YOU WRITTEN? 499 00:20:15,465 --> 00:20:18,007 I JUST SAT DOWN. 500 00:20:18,888 --> 00:20:21,099 BUT I THOUGHT I HEARD YOU WAKE UP HOURS AGO. 501 00:20:21,100 --> 00:20:23,101 YEAH, YOU DID, BUT YOU KNOW, I HAD TO WORK OUT, 502 00:20:23,102 --> 00:20:25,103 AND THEN, OF COURSE, I HAD TO GET DANI'S LUNCH READY FOR SCHOOL, 503 00:20:25,104 --> 00:20:26,725 AND THEN I STARTED THE MARINADE AND THEN, 504 00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:28,727 YOU KNOW, I NEVER NOTICED HOW MESSY THE PANTRY WAS, 505 00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:30,108 SO OF COURSE, I HAD TO CLEAN THAT OUT. 506 00:20:30,109 --> 00:20:32,271 BUT NOW... NOW I AM FOCUSED 507 00:20:32,272 --> 00:20:35,694 AND READY TO START WORK ON MY BEST SELLER. 508 00:20:35,695 --> 00:20:37,816 I'M SO PROUD OF YOU FOR SITTING DOWN AND TACKLING THAT. 509 00:20:37,817 --> 00:20:40,569 AND YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER HAD A BOOK DEDICATED TO ME, 510 00:20:40,570 --> 00:20:42,951 IN CASE YOU WANTED TO CHANGE THAT. 511 00:20:42,952 --> 00:20:45,824 BUT I'LL JUST GO NOW AND LET YOU FOCUS. 512 00:20:45,825 --> 00:20:47,626 OKAY? FOCUS, JOE, FOCUS! 513 00:20:47,627 --> 00:20:49,668 - GIVE ME A "J"! - MEL. 514 00:20:49,669 --> 00:20:51,039 I GOT IT. 515 00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:53,873 - BYE. - HEY, WHOOP! 516 00:20:55,214 --> 00:20:57,005 - (door closes) - (sighs) 517 00:20:57,006 --> 00:20:58,968 OKAY. 518 00:21:12,812 --> 00:21:15,485 I THINK I DESERVE A BREAK. 519 00:21:18,398 --> 00:21:20,108 - (kitten meowing) - LOOK AT THAT. 520 00:21:20,109 --> 00:21:23,031 (laughing) KITTEN NURSING ON A GORILLA. 521 00:21:23,032 --> 00:21:25,705 OH, MAN, NATURE'S CRAZY.