1 00:00:03,706 --> 00:00:06,869 No, seriously, I think I've finally figured out my problem with women. 2 00:00:07,110 --> 00:00:10,637 The capybara is the largest member of the rodent family. 3 00:00:10,847 --> 00:00:13,008 What does that have to do with me and women? 4 00:00:13,216 --> 00:00:15,047 Nothing, it was a desperate attempt... 5 00:00:15,218 --> 00:00:18,210 to introduce an alternate topic of conversation. 6 00:00:18,388 --> 00:00:20,618 My problem is I don't project confidence. 7 00:00:20,790 --> 00:00:24,282 So I decided that the next time I meet a woman I think is attractive... 8 00:00:24,460 --> 00:00:26,792 rather than holding back and being cautious... 9 00:00:26,963 --> 00:00:28,897 I'll assume the mantle of self-assurance. 10 00:00:29,198 --> 00:00:31,530 Oh, yeah? What does that look like? 11 00:00:34,837 --> 00:00:36,327 Hi. 12 00:00:36,873 --> 00:00:38,670 I'm Leonard. 13 00:00:39,509 --> 00:00:40,999 And you are beautiful. 14 00:00:41,177 --> 00:00:44,704 You pop, sparkle and buzz electric. 15 00:00:44,881 --> 00:00:50,649 I'm gonna pick you up at 8, show you a night you will never forget. 16 00:00:51,254 --> 00:00:53,484 Where are we going? 17 00:00:57,260 --> 00:01:01,026 Good news, I made it onto the team for the new Defense Department... 18 00:01:01,197 --> 00:01:04,496 laser-equipped surveillance satellite. Excuse me. 19 00:01:04,667 --> 00:01:08,000 If we're changing topics, I believe I have first dibs with capybara... 20 00:01:08,171 --> 00:01:11,038 a rodent the size of a baby hippo. 21 00:01:12,075 --> 00:01:14,566 - Congratulations, Howard. - Thanks. 22 00:01:14,777 --> 00:01:16,938 Listen, I have to get a security clearance... 23 00:01:17,146 --> 00:01:19,671 so you guys might be hearing from the FBI. 24 00:01:19,849 --> 00:01:22,443 Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't want to speak to the FBI. 25 00:01:23,252 --> 00:01:26,517 - Why not? - I'm brown and I talk funny. 26 00:01:26,723 --> 00:01:28,953 They're just doing a background check on me. 27 00:01:29,192 --> 00:01:33,458 It doesn't matter, they'll find a reason to give me a one-way ticket to Gandhiville. 28 00:01:33,663 --> 00:01:36,029 By the way, when I say that, it's not offensive. 29 00:01:36,799 --> 00:01:38,027 Don't be ridiculous, Raj. 30 00:01:38,201 --> 00:01:40,032 - You're here legally. - Nobody cares. 31 00:01:40,203 --> 00:01:42,844 You know how long it's been since I got through airport security... 32 00:01:43,005 --> 00:01:45,132 without being given a colonoscopy? 33 00:01:45,308 --> 00:01:49,540 You know, I try very hard to make our lunch hours educational and informative. 34 00:01:49,712 --> 00:01:54,411 But your insistence on talking about your own lives stymies me at every turn. 35 00:01:54,984 --> 00:01:57,214 Fine, Sheldon, tell us about your giant rodents. 36 00:01:57,387 --> 00:02:01,380 No. You squandered your time with me and the moment has now passed. 37 00:02:01,557 --> 00:02:03,047 Feast on your disappointment... 38 00:02:03,226 --> 00:02:06,627 much as the capybara feasts on its own waste. 39 00:02:37,393 --> 00:02:39,691 Oh, Bella, don't you see? 40 00:02:39,862 --> 00:02:43,263 Edward's only pushing you away because he loves you. 41 00:02:45,067 --> 00:02:46,091 Coming. 42 00:02:51,073 --> 00:02:52,131 Dr. Koothrappali? 43 00:02:54,644 --> 00:02:58,011 I'm Special Agent Page, FBI. May I come in? 44 00:03:00,416 --> 00:03:03,783 I'd like to talk to you about Howard Wolowitz. 45 00:03:03,953 --> 00:03:05,921 Ah, thank you. 46 00:03:06,088 --> 00:03:09,216 All right. Well, how long have you known Mr. Wolowitz? 47 00:03:31,314 --> 00:03:34,181 - Rum cake? - No, thanks. 48 00:03:34,383 --> 00:03:36,317 Now, about Mr. Wolowitz. 49 00:03:36,486 --> 00:03:37,748 Seven years. 50 00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:39,410 I see. 51 00:03:42,091 --> 00:03:44,616 I'm in this country legally, you know. 52 00:03:44,794 --> 00:03:46,159 I'm sure you are. 53 00:03:46,329 --> 00:03:47,557 Now, to your knowledge... 54 00:03:47,730 --> 00:03:49,823 has Mr. Wolowitz ever committed a crime? 55 00:03:50,066 --> 00:03:51,090 Of course not. 56 00:03:51,267 --> 00:03:52,598 I'm here on an H1 B visa... 57 00:03:52,768 --> 00:03:56,169 which means I can't be associated with crime or criminal activity... 58 00:03:56,339 --> 00:03:57,567 and I'm not. 59 00:03:57,740 --> 00:03:58,798 Good. 60 00:03:58,975 --> 00:04:01,967 To your knowledge, does Mr. Wolowitz have any foreign contacts? 61 00:04:02,144 --> 00:04:04,078 No, just me. 62 00:04:04,347 --> 00:04:05,837 Oh, there it is. 63 00:04:06,015 --> 00:04:07,846 Here comes the cavity search. 64 00:04:08,718 --> 00:04:10,678 - Excuse me? - Please don't send me back to India. 65 00:04:10,820 --> 00:04:14,312 It's so crowded. It's like the whole country is one endless Comic-Con... 66 00:04:14,490 --> 00:04:19,223 except everybody's wearing Indian Guy. 67 00:04:19,428 --> 00:04:21,362 - Dr. Koothrappali... - I love this country. 68 00:04:21,597 --> 00:04:25,533 The baseball, the freedom, the rampant morbid obesity. 69 00:04:25,735 --> 00:04:29,466 From California to the New York island, I'm a real Yankee Doodle boy. 70 00:04:29,639 --> 00:04:30,970 Dr. Koothrappali, please. 71 00:04:31,173 --> 00:04:33,471 My country 'tis of thee. 72 00:04:33,643 --> 00:04:36,510 Da-da-da liberty. 73 00:04:36,746 --> 00:04:39,476 It's really great. 74 00:04:41,017 --> 00:04:43,508 So when Howard said the FBI would be contacting me... 75 00:04:43,686 --> 00:04:45,381 I was expecting Mulder. 76 00:04:46,322 --> 00:04:48,756 Glad to see I got Scully, ha, ha. 77 00:04:48,958 --> 00:04:51,256 - Who? - Mulder and Scully. 78 00:04:52,194 --> 00:04:53,821 X-Files. 79 00:04:54,330 --> 00:04:56,423 "The truth is out there." Never mind. 80 00:04:56,599 --> 00:04:59,500 Uh, so, what would you like to know? 81 00:05:00,336 --> 00:05:03,169 You work with Mr. Wolowitz here at the university, correct? 82 00:05:03,339 --> 00:05:05,569 Yes. Of course, we're in different departments. 83 00:05:05,775 --> 00:05:08,539 He's an engineer and I'm an experimental physicist. 84 00:05:08,711 --> 00:05:10,736 You know, one of those guys who examines... 85 00:05:10,913 --> 00:05:13,006 the building blocks of creation and says: 86 00:05:13,182 --> 00:05:15,412 "Hello, maker of the universe." 87 00:05:16,385 --> 00:05:18,182 I see what you did there. 88 00:05:18,354 --> 00:05:19,981 "Good one." 89 00:05:20,189 --> 00:05:21,417 Right. 90 00:05:21,591 --> 00:05:24,924 Now, how would you characterize your relationship with Mr. Wolowitz? 91 00:05:25,795 --> 00:05:27,092 Good. 92 00:05:27,597 --> 00:05:29,724 It's a good relationship. 93 00:05:29,899 --> 00:05:32,925 Of course, most of my relationships are good, you know. 94 00:05:33,169 --> 00:05:36,263 Probably because I exude confidence. 95 00:05:36,439 --> 00:05:38,304 People are drawn to that, you know? 96 00:05:38,541 --> 00:05:39,565 Mm. 97 00:05:40,376 --> 00:05:41,934 Confidence, not exuding. 98 00:05:44,313 --> 00:05:46,941 Do you know of any groups Mr. Wolowitz is a member of? 99 00:05:47,116 --> 00:05:49,607 You are beautiful, you know that? 100 00:05:50,252 --> 00:05:54,313 You pop, sparkle and buzz electric. 101 00:05:56,425 --> 00:05:58,620 I'm gonna pick you up at 8. 102 00:05:58,828 --> 00:06:02,025 Show you a night you will never forget. 103 00:06:02,765 --> 00:06:03,959 Sounds great. 104 00:06:04,734 --> 00:06:06,224 Really? 105 00:06:06,936 --> 00:06:08,028 Yeah. 106 00:06:08,204 --> 00:06:11,731 "Can my 6'2" Navy SEAL husband come with us? 107 00:06:13,209 --> 00:06:17,839 Is that...? Oh, my, I didn't see the ring with my glasses off so... 108 00:06:18,047 --> 00:06:19,487 Look at that, I'm starting to exude. 109 00:06:23,986 --> 00:06:27,387 - Wanna get that? - Not particularly. 110 00:06:28,724 --> 00:06:31,784 - Could you get that? - I suppose I could if I were asked. 111 00:06:33,162 --> 00:06:36,962 - Would you please get that? - Well, of course. 112 00:06:38,434 --> 00:06:41,597 Why do you have to make things so complicated? 113 00:06:43,072 --> 00:06:44,767 - Dr. Cooper? - Yes. 114 00:06:44,974 --> 00:06:47,875 I'm Special Agent Page, FBI. 115 00:06:50,646 --> 00:06:54,377 You say you're Special Agent Page, FBI. 116 00:06:54,583 --> 00:06:56,244 Here's my ID. 117 00:06:56,419 --> 00:07:01,152 And here is my Justice League membership card. 118 00:07:03,325 --> 00:07:05,452 But that doesn't prove I know Batman. 119 00:07:06,796 --> 00:07:10,197 I just wanna ask you a few questions about Howard Wolowitz. 120 00:07:10,833 --> 00:07:13,427 Oh. Well, all right. 121 00:07:13,969 --> 00:07:16,267 I doubt anyone would risk the stiff penalties... 122 00:07:16,439 --> 00:07:18,930 for impersonating a federal officer just to ask questions... 123 00:07:19,108 --> 00:07:23,044 about a minor league engineer with an unresolved Oedipal complex. 124 00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:26,151 Thank you. 125 00:07:26,164 --> 00:07:28,046 For the record, I truly support the FBI... 126 00:07:28,217 --> 00:07:31,209 in the mission which is expressed through their motto. 127 00:07:31,454 --> 00:07:33,922 Fidelity, bravery, integrity? 128 00:07:34,123 --> 00:07:36,023 Correct. Now to business. 129 00:07:36,659 --> 00:07:40,823 Eighteen years ago, I sent the FBI Crime Lab samples... 130 00:07:40,996 --> 00:07:44,693 from a bag of excrement that had been lit on fire on my front porch... 131 00:07:46,802 --> 00:07:50,238 for fingerprinting and DNA analysis. 132 00:07:50,439 --> 00:07:52,339 Why haven't I heard back yet? 133 00:07:52,842 --> 00:07:56,801 Well, the FBI Crime Lab does have a lot on its plate. 134 00:07:57,012 --> 00:08:00,539 That's of little comfort to a nation attempting to scrape burning feces... 135 00:08:00,716 --> 00:08:02,081 off its shoes. 136 00:08:02,818 --> 00:08:05,252 Would you mind if we talked about Mr. Wolowitz now? 137 00:08:05,888 --> 00:08:08,049 A little, but go on. 138 00:08:08,224 --> 00:08:09,555 Thank you. 139 00:08:09,725 --> 00:08:11,955 Would you characterize him as responsible? 140 00:08:13,529 --> 00:08:15,724 I'm going to answer that with a visual aid. 141 00:08:17,700 --> 00:08:22,262 This is my nine-disc complete Lord of the Rings trilogy Blu-ray set. 142 00:08:22,505 --> 00:08:24,268 Mr. Wolowitz borrowed it... 143 00:08:24,473 --> 00:08:28,739 damaged plastic retention hub number three... 144 00:08:32,481 --> 00:08:35,211 and then returned it to me hoping I wouldn't notice. 145 00:08:35,384 --> 00:08:38,979 Would you characterize that as responsible? 146 00:08:39,188 --> 00:08:41,884 That's really not the sort of thing we're interested in. 147 00:08:42,792 --> 00:08:46,728 - You heard me say Blu-ray, right? - I did. 148 00:08:47,563 --> 00:08:50,293 Very well, would you be interested in knowing... 149 00:08:50,499 --> 00:08:54,265 that Mr. Wolowitz once snuck onto my "World of Warcraft" account... 150 00:08:54,436 --> 00:08:57,234 and changed the name of a certain level-80 warlock... 151 00:08:57,406 --> 00:09:00,375 from "Sheldor" to "Smeldor"? 152 00:09:00,943 --> 00:09:04,140 I'm afraid not. Is there anything else? 153 00:09:04,380 --> 00:09:06,541 Anything else? Where would you like to start? 154 00:09:06,715 --> 00:09:09,775 He refuses to pay fines when he's overdue with books I lend him... 155 00:09:09,952 --> 00:09:13,046 he crashed the Mars Rover while attempting to impress a woman. 156 00:09:13,255 --> 00:09:15,951 He recommended that I go see the third Matrix movie... 157 00:09:16,125 --> 00:09:19,959 because it was, and I quote, "Just as good as the first one." 158 00:09:20,796 --> 00:09:24,061 If that's not irresponsible, I don't know what is. 159 00:09:24,266 --> 00:09:25,824 The Mars Rover? 160 00:09:32,107 --> 00:09:34,541 - Did I say Mars Rover? - You did. 161 00:09:35,110 --> 00:09:37,169 That was actually a poorly-chosen example... 162 00:09:37,346 --> 00:09:39,610 as it had nothing to do with me. 163 00:09:39,815 --> 00:09:43,615 - Yes, well, let's talk about it anyway. - I don't want to. 164 00:09:44,787 --> 00:09:47,278 Not that my disinclination to discuss the topic... 165 00:09:47,456 --> 00:09:50,323 should be interpreted as evidence of Howard Wolowitz's culpability... 166 00:09:50,492 --> 00:09:53,620 in the destruction of government property worth millions of dollars. 167 00:09:53,829 --> 00:09:56,491 Thank you, Dr. Cooper. I think I have all I need. 168 00:09:56,699 --> 00:09:58,792 Oh, good. 169 00:09:58,968 --> 00:10:02,870 I was afraid you were going to fixate on that Mars Rover incident. 170 00:10:08,210 --> 00:10:09,643 Hey, buddies. 171 00:10:09,812 --> 00:10:13,304 Guess who didn't get security clearance to work on the giant space laser? 172 00:10:13,482 --> 00:10:16,212 - What happened? - The background interviews didn't go well. 173 00:10:16,452 --> 00:10:19,080 You guys wouldn't know anything about that, would you? 174 00:10:21,223 --> 00:10:24,715 Well, actually, I may have gotten a little tipsy when I talked to her. 175 00:10:26,195 --> 00:10:27,890 And I may have hit on her a little bit. 176 00:10:29,331 --> 00:10:31,959 And I may have thrown up rum cake on her shoes. 177 00:10:33,469 --> 00:10:36,666 I see. Well, it's good to know when I need you guys... 178 00:10:36,872 --> 00:10:40,535 I can always count on you to step up and ruin everything. 179 00:10:42,678 --> 00:10:44,669 - I feel awful. - Me too. 180 00:10:44,880 --> 00:10:48,043 I thought if anyone was gonna screw things up for Howard... 181 00:10:48,217 --> 00:10:49,844 it'd be Sheldon. 182 00:10:50,386 --> 00:10:54,015 Well, your expectations have been subverted. 183 00:10:54,256 --> 00:10:55,348 Ha, ha. 184 00:11:03,232 --> 00:11:04,859 What are you doing up? 185 00:11:05,067 --> 00:11:07,001 Sleep eludes me, Leonard. 186 00:11:07,202 --> 00:11:08,328 Really? 187 00:11:08,504 --> 00:11:10,904 Maybe sleep has met you before. 188 00:11:11,507 --> 00:11:14,169 Mockery? That's all you have to offer? 189 00:11:14,376 --> 00:11:16,776 - I'm sorry. Why can't you sleep? - Who knows? 190 00:11:16,946 --> 00:11:19,574 I haven't watched any scary movies recently. 191 00:11:19,748 --> 00:11:22,342 I'm no longer obsessing over why the predicted mass... 192 00:11:22,518 --> 00:11:26,249 of the quantum vacuum has little effect on the expansion of the universe. 193 00:11:26,422 --> 00:11:29,858 And it's been weeks since I took that accidental sip of Red Bull. 194 00:11:30,693 --> 00:11:33,127 Did something happen today that's bothering you? 195 00:11:33,362 --> 00:11:37,298 Well, I did mention the Mars Rover incident to that FBI agent... 196 00:11:37,466 --> 00:11:40,026 and probably cost Howard his security clearance. 197 00:11:40,235 --> 00:11:43,068 - What? - Yeah, but why should that keep me up? 198 00:11:43,706 --> 00:11:45,196 Because you feel guilty? 199 00:11:45,975 --> 00:11:47,465 Interesting. 200 00:11:47,643 --> 00:11:51,704 So you're saying my insomnia is caused by a guilty conscience. 201 00:11:51,914 --> 00:11:54,781 Actually, you don't have insomnia. You're sleeping now. 202 00:11:54,984 --> 00:11:58,044 - Excuse me? - You're having a guilt-ridden dream. 203 00:11:58,253 --> 00:12:00,744 Do you have any evidence to support that hypothesis? 204 00:12:00,956 --> 00:12:03,254 How about that Gorn sitting on the couch? 205 00:12:07,262 --> 00:12:09,924 That seems fairly conclusive. 206 00:12:10,132 --> 00:12:12,965 No, Gorn, no. 207 00:12:13,669 --> 00:12:16,069 That's where I sit. 208 00:12:17,973 --> 00:12:20,737 Thank you for agreeing to see me, Agent Page. 209 00:12:20,943 --> 00:12:24,640 Thank you for filing a complaint with my superior, Dr. Cooper. 210 00:12:25,914 --> 00:12:29,247 I understand you wanna recant your statement about Howard Wolowitz. 211 00:12:29,451 --> 00:12:32,249 - Yes. - Was your statement untrue? 212 00:12:32,421 --> 00:12:33,513 No. 213 00:12:34,590 --> 00:12:36,751 Then I'm afraid you can't withdraw it. 214 00:12:36,959 --> 00:12:40,918 I'm sorry, I don't recall you saying no backsies. 215 00:12:42,398 --> 00:12:43,763 Is there anything else? 216 00:12:43,966 --> 00:12:46,526 Yes, I'd like to offer a laudatory statement... 217 00:12:46,702 --> 00:12:50,331 about Howard's many excellent qualities I believe will tip the scales... 218 00:12:50,506 --> 00:12:53,339 back in his favor. Ahem. "Howard Joel Wolowitz." 219 00:12:53,509 --> 00:12:56,945 H is for honesty, of which he has much. 220 00:12:57,112 --> 00:12:59,603 O is for outstanding, which he is such. 221 00:12:59,782 --> 00:13:02,307 W is for witty, he's quick with a joke. 222 00:13:02,484 --> 00:13:04,452 "A is for artistic, his ability..." 223 00:13:04,653 --> 00:13:07,451 I'm sorry, Dr. Cooper, this matter is already closed. 224 00:13:07,656 --> 00:13:10,523 But I still have "ard Joel Wolowitz" left to go. 225 00:13:11,026 --> 00:13:12,653 It's closed. 226 00:13:14,463 --> 00:13:17,144 I don't understand why you people are picking on my friend Howard... 227 00:13:17,332 --> 00:13:19,823 when there are much more serious security threats to pursue. 228 00:13:20,002 --> 00:13:21,970 For instance, when I first met Leonard... 229 00:13:22,137 --> 00:13:25,868 he was on the verge of giving away rocket secrets to a North Korean spy... 230 00:13:26,041 --> 00:13:28,737 and not one agent ever investigated that. 231 00:13:29,178 --> 00:13:31,669 This is Leonard Hofstadter? 232 00:13:32,514 --> 00:13:35,972 No, it's a different Leonard. He's Chinese, red hair, six fingers. 233 00:13:36,151 --> 00:13:37,175 Goodbye. 234 00:13:41,023 --> 00:13:43,583 Raj, have you seen Howard? 235 00:13:43,826 --> 00:13:45,691 I think he's eating lunch. 236 00:13:45,894 --> 00:13:48,362 Uh, Sheldon, I want you to meet Neil DeGrasse Tyson... 237 00:13:48,530 --> 00:13:50,293 from the Hayden Planetarium in New York. 238 00:13:50,466 --> 00:13:52,900 I'm quite familiar with Dr. Tyson. 239 00:13:53,068 --> 00:13:56,663 He's responsible for the demotion of Pluto from planetary status. 240 00:13:56,839 --> 00:13:58,170 I liked Pluto... 241 00:13:59,475 --> 00:14:03,536 ergo, I do not like you. But I actually didn't demote Pluto. 242 00:14:03,712 --> 00:14:06,374 That was a vote of the International Astronomical Union. 243 00:14:06,548 --> 00:14:11,212 If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas. 244 00:14:12,054 --> 00:14:13,385 Think about that, Dr. Tyson. 245 00:14:15,724 --> 00:14:17,555 That the guy you were telling me about? 246 00:14:17,726 --> 00:14:19,057 Oh, yeah. 247 00:14:21,263 --> 00:14:26,394 Howard, the person at fault for you not getting a security clearance is me. 248 00:14:27,202 --> 00:14:29,932 - You? - Yes, but before you get upset... 249 00:14:30,105 --> 00:14:33,233 I want you to know I went to the FBI and retracted my statement. 250 00:14:33,775 --> 00:14:35,800 And they were okay with that? 251 00:14:36,011 --> 00:14:37,808 No. If anything, I made it worse. 252 00:14:38,814 --> 00:14:41,806 In any case, I have been riddled with guilt... 253 00:14:42,017 --> 00:14:44,281 which is causing Gorn-infested REM sleep. 254 00:14:44,453 --> 00:14:50,119 - So I'm here now to say I'm sorry. - Are you kidding me? 255 00:14:50,292 --> 00:14:52,590 You've set my career back at least two years... 256 00:14:52,761 --> 00:14:55,628 and you think you can make it right with "I'm sorry"? 257 00:14:55,797 --> 00:14:57,389 Yes. 258 00:14:57,599 --> 00:14:59,089 I followed the social protocol. 259 00:14:59,268 --> 00:15:01,736 I attempted to right the wrong and when I failed... 260 00:15:01,904 --> 00:15:05,806 I delivered a heartfelt apology. Now, you say "apology accepted"... 261 00:15:05,974 --> 00:15:09,273 and I will offer you a one-time-only high five. 262 00:15:10,846 --> 00:15:12,746 Your apology is not accepted. 263 00:15:13,415 --> 00:15:15,849 You're tricking me. It really is, isn't it? 264 00:15:16,051 --> 00:15:18,451 Leave me alone, Sheldon. 265 00:15:20,556 --> 00:15:22,421 Dr. Cooper, I just wanted you to know... 266 00:15:22,591 --> 00:15:25,856 I'm sorry for the role I played in the Pluto matter. 267 00:15:26,061 --> 00:15:27,756 Oh, shut up. 268 00:15:32,334 --> 00:15:33,995 - Sheldon? - Hello. 269 00:15:35,370 --> 00:15:36,962 What are you doing here? 270 00:15:37,139 --> 00:15:38,163 I have troubles, Penny. 271 00:15:39,541 --> 00:15:42,840 I've come to pour them out to the sympathetic ear of the local barkeep. 272 00:15:43,612 --> 00:15:46,843 You know, they have a really nice bar over at the Olive Garden. 273 00:15:47,382 --> 00:15:51,284 I don't like the Olive Garden. They treat me like family. 274 00:15:53,822 --> 00:15:56,518 - Okay, Sheldon, what can I get you? - Alcohol. 275 00:15:57,359 --> 00:16:01,125 - Could you be a little more specific? - Ethyl alcohol. 276 00:16:01,296 --> 00:16:02,627 Forty milliliters. 277 00:16:03,098 --> 00:16:05,123 I'm sorry, honey, I don't know milliliters. 278 00:16:05,300 --> 00:16:08,360 Ah. Blame President James Jimmy Carter. 279 00:16:08,537 --> 00:16:11,995 He started America on a path to the metric system but then just gave up. 280 00:16:13,375 --> 00:16:15,673 He wonders why he was a one-term president. 281 00:16:16,511 --> 00:16:19,105 - Would you say that's 40 milliliters? - More or less. 282 00:16:19,314 --> 00:16:20,338 Great. 283 00:16:22,551 --> 00:16:23,609 Now where were we? 284 00:16:23,819 --> 00:16:26,583 I believe you were about to ask me to choose a cocktail. 285 00:16:26,755 --> 00:16:29,986 Fortunately, thanks to computer-savvy alcoholics... 286 00:16:30,158 --> 00:16:32,251 there's an app for that. 287 00:16:32,861 --> 00:16:36,228 Let's see. Harvey Wallbanger. Eh. 288 00:16:36,398 --> 00:16:38,332 Sex on the Beach. I hardly think so. 289 00:16:39,668 --> 00:16:43,160 Rob Roy, Silk Slipper, Mad Hatter. 290 00:16:43,338 --> 00:16:44,396 Ooh. 291 00:16:44,573 --> 00:16:48,031 - I'll have a Rosewater Rickey. - A what? 292 00:16:48,243 --> 00:16:50,768 "You'll need pitted, brandied cherries, gin..." 293 00:16:51,013 --> 00:16:54,039 rosewater, Angostura bitters and over-proofed rum. 294 00:16:54,216 --> 00:16:56,548 Now first, dust the cherries with sugar... 295 00:16:56,718 --> 00:16:59,414 then spray them with a mixture of rum and bitters. 296 00:16:59,588 --> 00:17:03,456 - "Then ignite the rum..." - Here you go, one Rosewater Rickey. 297 00:17:03,692 --> 00:17:06,058 That's not how it looks in the picture. 298 00:17:06,228 --> 00:17:08,526 Oh, yeah, every bartender makes it differently. 299 00:17:08,697 --> 00:17:12,189 - Why don't you give it a try? - All right. 300 00:17:13,702 --> 00:17:16,034 To the metric system. 301 00:17:26,481 --> 00:17:28,915 I can't taste the cherries. 302 00:17:30,752 --> 00:17:32,947 All right, Sheldon, what's on your mind? 303 00:17:33,755 --> 00:17:36,781 I wronged Howard and he won't accept my apology. 304 00:17:36,992 --> 00:17:38,050 Oh, right, that. 305 00:17:38,226 --> 00:17:40,194 Yes, Leonard told me. Sorry, honey. 306 00:17:40,762 --> 00:17:43,128 Penny, you face failure on a daily basis. 307 00:17:45,467 --> 00:17:48,402 - How do you cope? - I drink. 308 00:17:50,305 --> 00:17:52,000 To drinking. 309 00:17:55,110 --> 00:17:56,600 Nope. 310 00:18:00,115 --> 00:18:03,516 If only there were some way to force Howard to accept my apology... 311 00:18:03,719 --> 00:18:06,347 so I could escape this miasma of guilt. 312 00:18:06,588 --> 00:18:09,921 Sometimes just stuff happens and there's nothing you can do about it. 313 00:18:10,092 --> 00:18:13,255 For example, Lisa Peterson hasn't talked to me since 11th grade. 314 00:18:13,428 --> 00:18:15,293 No matter how much you apologize... 315 00:18:15,464 --> 00:18:18,297 you can't go back and undry-hump someone's boyfriend. 316 00:18:19,434 --> 00:18:20,594 I see. 317 00:18:20,769 --> 00:18:23,704 You're saying I'm facing Starfleet Academy's... 318 00:18:23,872 --> 00:18:27,239 The Kobayashi Maru. 319 00:18:27,442 --> 00:18:29,637 Exactly. Sometimes you can't win. 320 00:18:29,845 --> 00:18:31,972 Captain Kirk won. 321 00:18:33,281 --> 00:18:35,340 Kirk cheated. 322 00:18:36,518 --> 00:18:38,452 Impressive that you know that. 323 00:18:39,955 --> 00:18:43,356 Hard to believe I'm actually having this conversation with you. 324 00:18:43,525 --> 00:18:45,550 Right there with you. 325 00:18:46,361 --> 00:18:51,663 Kirk beat the Kobayashi Maru by reprogramming the simulator. 326 00:18:52,167 --> 00:18:53,498 - That's it. - What? 327 00:18:53,702 --> 00:18:55,363 I'll reprogram Howard. 328 00:18:55,537 --> 00:18:58,836 Wait... Sheldon, you can't reprogram people. 329 00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:01,634 No, you can't reprogram people. 330 00:19:02,911 --> 00:19:05,971 To James Tiberius Kirk. 331 00:19:15,824 --> 00:19:17,758 - Hello, all. - Hello. 332 00:19:17,926 --> 00:19:22,090 Howard, you're feeling better about me today, aren't you? 333 00:19:22,330 --> 00:19:25,663 - Not really. - Yes, you are. 334 00:19:25,834 --> 00:19:30,362 I'm using neuro-linguistic programming to modify your thought patterns. 335 00:19:32,207 --> 00:19:34,175 Go away, Sheldon. 336 00:19:34,743 --> 00:19:37,405 There's a 9.95 eBook down the drain. 337 00:19:38,013 --> 00:19:39,913 - What's in the bag? - It's for Howard. 338 00:19:40,081 --> 00:19:42,914 No, Sheldon, you can't fix this with gifts. 339 00:19:43,118 --> 00:19:46,383 Nevertheless, I've hurt you and whether you forgive me or not... 340 00:19:46,588 --> 00:19:48,556 I want you to have this. 341 00:19:50,625 --> 00:19:52,718 You're giving me a couch cushion? 342 00:19:52,894 --> 00:19:55,089 No. The cushion is merely symbolic. 343 00:19:55,263 --> 00:19:57,959 I'm giving you my spot on the couch. 344 00:20:00,569 --> 00:20:02,036 But you love that spot. 345 00:20:02,237 --> 00:20:04,467 No, I love my mother. 346 00:20:04,639 --> 00:20:08,439 My feelings for my spot are much greater. 347 00:20:09,277 --> 00:20:14,442 It is the singular location in space around which revolves my entire universe. 348 00:20:15,650 --> 00:20:17,117 And now it's yours. 349 00:20:18,153 --> 00:20:21,645 Oh, my God, dude, now you have to forgive him. 350 00:20:23,091 --> 00:20:25,889 All right. Uh, apology accepted. 351 00:20:26,728 --> 00:20:28,059 High five. 352 00:20:28,230 --> 00:20:30,095 Not too hard. 353 00:20:31,433 --> 00:20:32,900 Thank you. 354 00:20:33,101 --> 00:20:36,366 I haven't cried like this since Toy Story 3. 355 00:20:46,348 --> 00:20:49,476 I gotta tell you, Sheldon, I understand why you chose this spot. 356 00:20:49,651 --> 00:20:52,484 I mean, the temperature's good, but there's no draft. 357 00:20:52,654 --> 00:20:55,145 I can see the television, but I can still talk to... 358 00:20:55,323 --> 00:20:57,348 I changed my mind. Get out of my spot. 359 00:20:59,127 --> 00:21:02,722 - How long? - Ninety-four seconds.