1
00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:05,602
Okay. "Now holding sides of hearth
in position...
2
00:00:05,800 --> 00:00:09,088
...lower mantelpiece assembly
onto top tabs."
3
00:00:11,440 --> 00:00:14,330
Look at that, I built a fireplace
with my own two hands.
4
00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:16,571
You're so butch.
5
00:00:17,520 --> 00:00:19,568
Aw, I got a little paper cut.
6
00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:22,803
Of course you did.
You're hands are softer than veal.
7
00:00:24,520 --> 00:00:28,445
Oh, uh, before I forget, Saturday I'm planning
a Dungeons & Dragons night with the guys.
8
00:00:28,600 --> 00:00:31,126
That's how you're gonna spend
your Saturday night?
9
00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:34,284
- Come on, I hardly get a chance to play.
- You poor thing.
10
00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:36,761
Is having a real girlfriend
who has sex with you...
11
00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:39,287
...getting in the way
of your board games?
12
00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:42,124
A little bit, yeah.
13
00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:47,043
Oh, great, I've always wanted to play
Dungeons & Dragons.
14
00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:50,124
Oh, I'm sorry,
I should've mentioned this earlier.
15
00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:51,486
You're not invited.
16
00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:54,967
Why not?
17
00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:59,489
Amy, from time to time,
we men need to break free...
18
00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:05,807
...from the shackles of civility and get
in touch with our primal, animalistic selves.
19
00:01:06,320 --> 00:01:09,563
By rolling dice and playing make-believe
with little figurines?
20
00:01:09,720 --> 00:01:11,848
Like a bunch of savages.
21
00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:16,401
Saturday night?
But I've been working late all week.
22
00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:20,246
- That was gonna be our night.
- I have to go, we play as a group.
23
00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:23,529
And if I'm not there,
then everyone will blame you.
24
00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:27,446
They'll be all, "Bernadette ruined
everything. She's the worst."
25
00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:33,801
So you see, heh,
I have to play Dungeons & Dragons.
26
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:35,803
For the marriage.
27
00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:38,689
You're an idiot.
28
00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:44,044
I'm your idiot. Forever.
29
00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:48,525
So listen, I know we talked about
getting a bite to eat in Silver Lake...
30
00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:51,206
...then seeing the Christmas lights
in Griffith Park...
31
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:55,371
...but Leonard's talking about
a big D and D game at his place.
32
00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:57,966
Saturday night just went
from crazy to epic.
33
00:01:58,120 --> 00:01:59,167
RAJESH:
Woo-hoo!
34
00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:28,322
All right, Sheldon, to start our quest...
35
00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:30,847
...you need to open this Christmas gift
I got you.
36
00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:32,610
A Christmas gift?
37
00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:34,888
You know I don't enjoy Christmas.
38
00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:39,328
- What's wrong with Christmas?
- Oh, where to begin?
39
00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:44,327
Trees indoors.
Overuse of the words "'tis" and "'twas."
40
00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:47,131
And the absurd custom of one stocking.
41
00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:49,851
Everyone knows socks belong in pairs.
42
00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:54,085
- Who uses one sock?
- A pirate with a peg leg. Heh.
43
00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:56,483
Actually, that helps. Thank you.
44
00:02:57,640 --> 00:02:59,529
Would you just look inside?
45
00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:03,803
Oh, a scroll! I like scrolls.
46
00:03:04,480 --> 00:03:07,689
They're my third-favorite system
of transmitting the written word.
47
00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:10,411
After stone tablets and skywriting.
48
00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:15,964
"You have all been summoned to join
a thrilling Dungeons & Dragons adventure.
49
00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:19,567
Your quest begins in a secret
northern village of elves...
50
00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:21,171
...who have all been massacred."
51
00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:23,368
Ah! I like where this is headed.
52
00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:27,846
"Your task is to rescue their leader
from a dungeon of ogres."
53
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:29,809
That's a saucy twist.
54
00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:32,646
"That leader's name: Santa Claus."
55
00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:34,882
No, no, no.
56
00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:38,211
It's actually "ho, ho, ho,"
but you'll get the hang of it.
57
00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:41,681
Thought it'd be fun to make
a holiday-themed quest.
58
00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:44,764
Fun? Mixing Dungeons & Dragons
with Christmas...
59
00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:48,367
...is like making a sandwich of grape jelly,
the best-tasting jelly...
60
00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:52,127
...and petroleum jelly,
the worst-tasting jelly.
61
00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:54,691
Okay, here we go.
62
00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:57,969
"You find yourselves in the smoking
remains of Santa's village.
63
00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:00,327
Clearly a great battle has taken place."
64
00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:03,729
Oh, man, the first monster I see,
I'm going to sneak up behind him...
65
00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:08,044
...whip out my wand
and shoot my magic all over his ass.
66
00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:13,291
Do you hear yourself
when you say these things?
67
00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:18,447
Okay, there are ogre tracks and
a trail of broken candy canes in the snow.
68
00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:19,726
Sheldon, what do you do?
69
00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:24,522
I signal my contempt for your cruel plan
to shove Christmas joy down my throat...
70
00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:27,001
...by making a gesture that says,
"Get a load of this guy."
71
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:28,247
(RASPBERRIES)
72
00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:30,891
Fine, Howard, what do you do?
73
00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:36,962
I follow the ogre tracks,
checking for secret doors along the way.
74
00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:40,010
And you discover a secret door
leading to a dark corridor.
75
00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:43,403
Let's make a plan. Spellcasters in the back,
warriors in the front.
76
00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:48,202
Screw that noise, I'm going in.
Hang on, Santa, I'm coming for you.
77
00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:54,007
Okay. You run into a room full of weapons,
hit a trip wire.
78
00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:59,129
A cannon blows your face off.
You die, you're out of the game.
79
00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:02,088
What? A cannon?
80
00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:03,930
Am I really out of the game?
81
00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:05,764
Lucky.
82
00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:07,841
Okay, come on. Moving on.
83
00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:10,890
Wait, doesn't anyone have
a rod of resurrection?
84
00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:14,124
Because if you've got one, I need it bad.
85
00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:18,970
Get in here with your rod
and give it to me.
86
00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:23,847
Okay, you need to say these things
in your head before you say them out loud.
87
00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:25,047
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
88
00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:28,721
Hey, I don't mean to interrupt
your little game...
89
00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:33,966
...but I thought you'd like to see what
you're missing out on. So, ahem, Bernadette?
90
00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:35,485
(POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)
91
00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:44,806
Bernadette's wearing leopard-print pumps
and a racktastic red dress from Forever 21.
92
00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:54,045
And there's Amy showing
all kinds of ankle...
93
00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:59,042
...in an outfit I'm assuming
is from Forever 63.
94
00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:03,326
And I myself...
95
00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:09,449
...am wearing a little number that got me
out of two speeding tickets and jury duty.
96
00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:14,691
I know they're making a rhetorical point,
I just don't know what it is.
97
00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:16,604
See you, boys. We are going drinking.
98
00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:20,162
Wait. Can I come with you?
My character died.
99
00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:24,931
- Sorry, Raj. It's girls' night out.
- Maybe another time.
100
00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:28,806
Okay.
101
00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:30,367
Come on.
102
00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:31,806
(RAJESH GASPS)
103
00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:35,009
Girls' night. Girls' night. Ooh! Ooh!
104
00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:40,323
How does he not hear that?
105
00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:45,400
What's the plan?
We gonna teach our fellas a lesson...
106
00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:48,769
...by getting stinking drunk,
luring strange men into the bathroom...
107
00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:51,287
...and turning the toilet stall
into a temple of the senses?
108
00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:52,521
(POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)
109
00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:53,960
- No.
- No.
110
00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:57,886
Jeez. Who's Forever 63 now?
111
00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:03,408
Can we get another bottle of champagne
for the table? Don't worry, it's my treat.
112
00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:06,245
- Thanks.
- You should come to girls' night more often.
113
00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:10,286
And not just because if you weren't here
this would be a can of Pabst.
114
00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:13,569
Nothing makes me happier
than the chance to spoil a lady.
115
00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:16,849
Just ask my dog. My vet says
if I give her any more foie gras...
116
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,287
...she's going to die of gout.
117
00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:23,802
- Hey, let's help Raj meet a girl tonight.
- No, no, no, I'm fine.
118
00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:27,641
Are we talking one-night stand
or do we wanna get him into a relationship?
119
00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:29,808
Let's get him laid.
120
00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:33,446
Stop it, you're ruining girls' night.
121
00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:38,926
Raj, you're a great guy, you're in a bar
full of single women. Let us help you.
122
00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:40,127
You're a real catch.
123
00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:43,648
You're shy, but that doesn't mean
you shouldn't have someone in your life.
124
00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:46,246
That's sweet of you,
but what can you do to help?
125
00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:50,331
We'll nose around, see if we can find
a nice girl and then introduce you.
126
00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:53,450
Okay. A couple of things.
127
00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:57,366
Don't tell them I come from money,
I want them to love me for me.
128
00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:01,125
They must be insanely hot.
129
00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:05,329
Like nines or 10s.
130
00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:07,171
Nines or 10s?
131
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:11,609
Okay, an eight is acceptable if she's willing
to bring another eight to the hot tub.
132
00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:14,568
You'll take any woman
who'll have you, right?
133
00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:16,006
In a New Delhi minute.
134
00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:21,440
I don't remember you buying these
miniatures in my store.
135
00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:24,644
Oh, uh, yeah. I got them on Amazon.
136
00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:26,121
Sure. I get it.
137
00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:30,330
Why support a friend when you can support
a multinational conglomerate...
138
00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:33,131
...that is crushing the life
out of that friend?
139
00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:37,162
I know, but when I shop online
I can do it on the toilet.
140
00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:40,326
Have you seen my store?
The whole place is a toilet.
141
00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:43,242
- Can we please move this along?
LEONARD: Yeah, sorry.
142
00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:47,724
Uh, you come to the end of the tunnel
and find a large chest.
143
00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:53,086
What do you do? And Howard, do not say,
"I feel up the large chest."
144
00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:57,810
Excuse me, I'm a married man now.
I wasn't going to say anything so juvenile.
145
00:08:57,960 --> 00:09:01,601
- Great, what do you do?
- I walk up to the large chest...
146
00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:03,250
...bury my face in it and go:
147
00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:04,481
(BLUBBERS)
148
00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:09,606
I open the chest.
149
00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:12,570
It's locked, but suddenly the door
behind you slams shut...
150
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:15,291
...and now the walls of the room
start closing in.
151
00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:19,161
That's not good. My character and I
both have claustrophobia.
152
00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:21,601
Glowing letters appear on the chest
that read:
153
00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:24,240
"If squashed to death
you wish not to be...
154
00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:28,121
- ...sing of Svaty Vaclav and his victory."
- Who the hell is Svaty Vaclav?
155
00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:31,170
- Walls are getting closer.
- Oh, boy. Happy place, happy place.
156
00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:34,250
Svaty Vaclav was the Duke of Bohemia.
157
00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:36,004
Ten seconds from getting crushed.
158
00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:38,083
- Nine. Eight.
- What are we supposed to do?
159
00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:40,004
- Seven. Six. Five.
SHELDON: Wait, wait.
160
00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:42,731
Svaty Vaclav is better known
as Good King Wenceslaus...
161
00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:45,201
- ...from the Christmas carol.
- Never heard of it.
162
00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:48,125
Must be the one Christmas song
not written by a Jewish guy.
163
00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:51,611
- Three. Two.
- Somebody sing the damn song.
164
00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:55,168
(SINGING) Good King Wenceslas looked out
On the feast of Stephen
165
00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:59,251
When the snow lay round about
Deep and crisp and even
166
00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:00,561
Walls are getting slower.
167
00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:04,122
(SINGING) Brightly shone the moon that night
Though the frost was cruel
168
00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:09,081
When a poor man came in sight
Gath'ring winter fuel
169
00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:16,369
- The walls stop. You're safe.
- That was amazing, Sheldon.
170
00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:18,010
- How'd you know that?
- Simple.
171
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:21,130
I combined a well-known historical fact
about Bohemia...
172
00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:24,170
...with the memory of my grandparents,
Mee-Maw and Pop-Pop...
173
00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:26,846
...singing carols,
while I sat in front of the fire...
174
00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:30,322
...and tried to build a high-energy particle
accelerator out of Legos.
175
00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:34,926
- Okay, continuing our quest...
- Wait, there's still four more verses.
176
00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:36,764
You don't sing a song and not finish it.
177
00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:40,447
(SINGING) Hither, page, and stand by me
If thou know'st it, telling
178
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:44,082
Yonderpeasant, who is he?
Where and what his dwelling?
179
00:10:44,240 --> 00:10:47,323
Brightly shone the moon that night
Though the frost was...
180
00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:52,881
(POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)
181
00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:56,731
- It looks like he's doing pretty good.
- Of course he is.
182
00:10:56,920 --> 00:11:00,288
That girl just got dumped by her boyfriend,
she's angry, she's drunk...
183
00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:03,489
...and her favorite movie
is Slumdog Millionaire.
184
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:05,843
That is some low-hanging fruit.
185
00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:08,650
Oh, here he comes.
186
00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:10,564
- So, how'd it go?
- Great.
187
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:13,803
I bought her a couple of drinks
and she gave me her e-mail address.
188
00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:16,008
BOTH:
Ooh!
189
00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:20,643
"Jennifer at not even if you were
the last guy on Earth dot loser."
190
00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:22,767
What?
191
00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:24,251
I'm sorry, Raj.
192
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:26,448
Why can't I find someone?
193
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:30,082
I'm smart, I've got a cool job
and my naturally bronzed complexion...
194
00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:33,687
...means I can pull off mustard yellow
in a way most guys can't.
195
00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:40,368
- Aw, honey, it's not you, it's them.
- No, it's not. She was too beautiful for me.
196
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,883
- Why would you say that?
- It's true.
197
00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:46,647
I'm always attracted to women I can't have.
I do it all the time.
198
00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:48,768
I did the same thing with the two of you.
199
00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:52,491
The two of them? I don't understand.
200
00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:56,808
Well, uh, there was a time
when I had a thing for Penny.
201
00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:59,645
I thought she was into me too.
She got drunk and naked...
202
00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:03,964
...and climbed into bed with me.
But apparently, I misread those signals.
203
00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:08,203
And you liked Bernadette also?
204
00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:09,964
That was before Penny.
205
00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:14,643
I make it a rule to only fall for
one of my friends' girlfriends at a time.
206
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:17,371
I'm very old-fashioned that way.
207
00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:23,968
So at, uh, some point,
you probably had a thing for me too.
208
00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:26,804
No. Not really.
209
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:35,091
- Come on, Raj, not even a little bit?
- Not that I can think of.
210
00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:39,081
Think harder.
211
00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:44,049
Nope. I guess the heart wants
what the heart wants.
212
00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:47,961
Or in this case, doesn't. I mean, at all.
213
00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:52,440
What?
214
00:12:54,840 --> 00:13:00,165
(SINGING) Ye who now will bless the poor
Shall yourselves find blessing
215
00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:01,367
Ba-da-bum!
216
00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:05,327
Done?
217
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:08,131
I think the word you're looking for
is "bravo."
218
00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:13,888
Okay, you leave the room and find yourself
standing before a pool of melted snowmen.
219
00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:17,362
Melted snowmen? Are there carrots
and lumps of coal in the water?
220
00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:20,689
- Uh, what's the difference?
- It's a game of the imagination, Leonard.
221
00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:23,810
- Paint a picture.
- Fine. You leave the room and find yourself...
222
00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:27,931
...standing before a pool of melted snowmen.
There are carrots and coal in the water.
223
00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:31,527
Do we know what happened to the top hats
and the corncob pipes?
224
00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:35,127
- You see those too.
- Oh, it's like I'm really there.
225
00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:40,923
I gotta tell you,
this is the most holiday fun I've had...
226
00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:44,004
...since my therapist
changed my anxiety medication...
227
00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:46,811
...and I stopped caring about the blood
in my stool.
228
00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:52,243
Good story.
229
00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:56,651
- What're you drinking there? Little eggnog?
- Yes. Is there a problem?
230
00:13:56,800 --> 00:14:01,408
No, it's nice to see you enjoying
a holiday beverage. Pretty Christmasy.
231
00:14:01,560 --> 00:14:03,608
Since when is eggnog a Christmas drink?
232
00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:09,765
Eggs are available all year round.
I've been known to enjoy this poolside.
233
00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:13,210
Come on, Sheldon.
You know all the Christmas stories...
234
00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:16,409
...and the carols, you've got
an eggnog mustache going on there.
235
00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:19,291
Just admit it,
you're getting a little yuletide spirit.
236
00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:23,525
Don't be silly. Christmas is a bunch of
baloney created by the tinsel industry.
237
00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:26,529
Why is this so important to you?
238
00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:30,765
I had enough crappy Christmases as a kid.
I'm tired of you sucking the joy out of them.
239
00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:35,450
- What was so bad about them?
- I grew up in a house full of crazy academics.
240
00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:39,804
Instead of leaving Santa milk and cookies,
we had to leave him a research paper.
241
00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:45,650
And in the morning, you could tell he'd been
there because the paper would be graded.
242
00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:50,567
No wonder you love Christmas.
That sounds amazing.
243
00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:55,408
It wasn't amazing.
I got a C-minus four years in a row.
244
00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:58,086
I'm familiar with your work.
C-minus was your gift.
245
00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:05,842
Amy, I'm really sorry.
I didn't mean to upset you.
246
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:10,164
It's fine. I'm used to being the girl
who never gets looked at twice.
247
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:12,368
I didn't have my first kiss until I was 22.
248
00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:15,410
The guy only did it
so I'd give him back his insulin.
249
00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,325
(POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)
250
00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:21,842
Sometimes the pancreas wants
what the pancreas wants.
251
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:25,721
Forget it.
I don't expect you guys to understand.
252
00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:27,041
I understand.
253
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:30,727
In seventh grade, I played spin-the-bottle
and it landed on Alina Shankar.
254
00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:35,204
She said if I came near her,
she would break the bottle and cut me.
255
00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:36,691
You think that's bad?
256
00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:41,084
In college, I passed out at a frat party
and woke up with more clothes on.
257
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:49,407
Sometimes I get so lonely I sit
on my left hand until it goes numb...
258
00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:54,122
...then I put it in my right hand and pretend
I'm holding hands with another person.
259
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:56,246
I do that too.
260
00:15:57,280 --> 00:16:00,523
Sometimes the left hand tries
to cop a feel.
261
00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:03,209
And I let it.
262
00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:10,010
It's kind of nice to talk to someone who
understands what it feels like to be alone.
263
00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:11,571
It is, isn't it?
264
00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:14,121
But you're not alone anymore.
Now you've got Sheldon.
265
00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:18,564
I do. And don't worry,
someday you'll have somebody too.
266
00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:23,647
Thank you. I hope she's half as lovely
and amazing as you are.
267
00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:26,566
Thank you, Rajesh.
268
00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:29,010
He wants me, I'm good. We can go.
269
00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:33,564
- Damn it.
PENNY: What?
270
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:37,731
Now that I know she doesn't like me,
I'm kind of into her.
271
00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:44,843
All right, I think I cracked the code
to lower the drawbridge.
272
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:46,206
HOWARD:
Great. Let's do it.
273
00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:53,284
(PLAYING JINGLE BELLS)
274
00:16:53,440 --> 00:16:54,726
The drawbridge is lowering.
275
00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:04,051
- My carpal tunnel's acting up.
- Play through the pain.
276
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:17,209
You did it. The drawbridge is down.
277
00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:21,729
You cross the chasm
and find yourself in a small dungeon room.
278
00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:26,761
And in the corner, chained to the wall,
you see a bloodied and beaten Santa Claus.
279
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:30,561
He says, "Ho, ho, help me."
280
00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:34,930
Yes, we found Santa. Christmas is saved.
281
00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:37,606
Don't ever tell my mother I said that.
282
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:42,368
I take out my skeleton key
and run to Santa to unchain him.
283
00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:46,206
But first I cast a spell of paralysis
on Stuart and Howard.
284
00:17:46,360 --> 00:17:48,681
- What are you doing?
- Can't talk, you're paralyzed.
285
00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:52,889
I get right up in Santa's big, fat face
and say:
286
00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:57,523
"Well, well, well, Jolly old Saint Nick,
we meet again.
287
00:17:57,720 --> 00:18:02,123
I believe the last time we spoke was
in the Baybrook Mall in Galveston, Texas...
288
00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:04,442
...when I was 5 years old, isn't that right?"
289
00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:06,688
Okay.
290
00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:09,730
My mother dragged me there
and plopped me down on your lap...
291
00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:12,247
...and you asked me
what I wanted for Christmas.
292
00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:16,889
I told you my Pop-Pop, because
that was the year my grandfather died.
293
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:19,441
I missed him and I wanted him back.
294
00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:22,805
This is weird, right?
295
00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:29,764
Pop-Pop was the only one in my family
who encouraged me to pursue science.
296
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:31,962
But you didn't bring him back, did you?
297
00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:34,930
No. Instead, I got Lincoln Logs.
298
00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:38,402
Now, you can build a lot of neat things
out of Lincoln Logs...
299
00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:40,562
...but Pop-Pop ain't one of them.
300
00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:45,209
And now you're here asking me
for something. To save you.
301
00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:49,285
Well, sorry, Mr. Kringle.
But today's not your day.
302
00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:53,769
I'm leaving you here to rot
and I hope the ogres feast on your bones.
303
00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:57,367
I take the skeleton key,
toss it into the chasm...
304
00:18:57,520 --> 00:19:02,048
...and on the way out give Santa a swift kick
in his bowl full of jelly.
305
00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:06,244
Okay.
306
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:09,210
So Wolowitz and Stuart are paralyzed,
Santa's dead...
307
00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:12,489
...and I picked this over having sex
with my girlfriend.
308
00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:32,290
- Santa?
- Oh, hello, Sheldon.
309
00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:33,527
(BELLS JINGLING)
310
00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:35,682
You should be asleep.
311
00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:38,810
Well, then you shouldn't have jingle bells
on your boots.
312
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:42,044
I've been wanting to talk to you.
313
00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:46,490
I'm sorry I disappointed you
when you were a little boy.
314
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:50,688
I can do a lot of magical things...
315
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:55,482
...but unfortunately bringing
your Pop-Pop back isn't one of them.
316
00:19:57,320 --> 00:20:01,848
- I understand.
- But I do have something special for you.
317
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:04,411
Close your eyes.
318
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:08,921
Oh, I hope it's a train.
319
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:12,163
Oh, it's better than a train.
320
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:15,328
Two trains?
321
00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:17,087
Better.
322
00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:23,003
- I'm getting three trains.
- Okay, open them.
323
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:31,849
This is for leaving me in the dungeon
to be eaten alive by ogres.
324
00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:34,202
Now, hang on. In my defense...
325
00:20:34,360 --> 00:20:37,204
Ho, ho, ho, you big dork.
326
00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:39,087
(GASPS)