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Have you guys seen
this feature that lets you talk to Siri
2
00:00:05,965 --> 00:00:07,509
without pressing any buttons?
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No, how does it work?
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You just say,
"Hey, Siri, what time is it?"
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SIRI: The time is 6:37 p.m.
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So now anyone can control your phone?
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Hey, Siri, show me pictures
of naked grandma butts!
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- Nice try, it only recognizes my voice.
- Oh, cool.
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(MIMICS RAJ) Hey, Siri, show me
pictures of naked grandma butts!
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(SCOFFS) I don't sound like that.
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SIRI: Here are some images
of naked grandma butts.
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Hey! Good news, everybody.
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Now that I'm no longer with Amy,
I have an extra ticket
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to the annual Thanksgiving lunch buffet
at the aquarium cafeteria.
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Who wants it?
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You realize you won't be going alone.
I'll be there the whole time.
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Providing fish and pilgrim facts.
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Can you people hear me?
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Well, we're having everyone over.
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- Yeah, Leonard and I are cooking all day.
- Otherwise, we'd love to.
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- But we can't. Mmm-hmm.
- Poor us.
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And Raj and I are volunteering at the soup
kitchen feeding food to the homeless.
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Oh, Howard, what about you?
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Oh, I can't, I'm going
to the soup kitchen, too.
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You said that sounded
like the worst thing ever.
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If you can't support me when I'm lying,
why are we married?
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(THEME SONG PLAYING)
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Hi, Sheldon, what's up?
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Well, I'm calling because
Thanksgiving is coming up
30
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and I wanted to offer you
the aquarium tickets.
31
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No one can go with you?
32
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No, they'd rather spend the holiday
with each other
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than find out if this
is the year I finally touch a starfish.
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Anyway, I wouldn't want the tickets
to go to waste,
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so take whomever you'd like.
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Oh?
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Okay, thank you.
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And feel free to tell your guest
that the Myanmar catfish
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is also known as the pilgrim fish.
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In case the turkey's dry
and you need something juicy.
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Sheldon, I can tell you want to go,
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so if you'd be comfortable with it,
maybe we could go as friends.
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You don't think that will be awkward?
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Well, it is Thanksgiving
in an aquarium cafeteria,
45
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so I'm gonna go out
on a limb here and say yes.
46
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But if you mean between us,
I think it'll be fine.
47
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Very well, then.
I'll see you on Thanksgiving morning.
48
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See you then.
49
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Oh, forget what I said
about the Myanmar catfish.
50
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My list of marine-themed
pilgrim facts is pretty short.
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Did you know they served shellfish
and eel at the first Thanksgiving?
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And there goes my list.
53
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So, how does this work?
54
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The soup kitchen manager assigns
the jobs and the shifts are six hours.
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- (BUZZING)
- Six hours?
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(SIGHS) I don't wanna
complain for that long.
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Do you ever do anything for anyone else?
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I happen to be a giving
and generous lover.
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Are you and I close
enough for me to say that's creepy?
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We are and I believe the word you're
looking for is... (GROANS IN DISGUST)
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- Uh, can I help you?
- Hi, we'd like to volunteer.
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Oh, I appreciate you guys coming down,
but we already have enough people.
63
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Any other day, please, come back.
(CHUCKLES)
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Oh, okay.
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Wipe that smug smile off your face.
66
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Maybe I'm happy that so many people
turned up to help the less fortunate.
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(CHUCKLES)
68
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Are you and I close enough for me to say--
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That he's an ass? He beat you to it.
70
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Uh, I was wrong.
A large group had to cancel.
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Oh, great, we'd love to help!
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Wipe that smug smile off your face.
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(CHUCKLES) I can't!
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Look at us! Our first Thanksgiving
as husband and wife.
75
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- I know, I feel so grown up.
- Uh, sweetie, you are grown up.
76
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Really? How many grown-ups do you know
who have Mr. Spock oven mitts?
77
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Hey, the recipes are on my iPad.
Will you pull 'em up?
78
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- Yep. What's the code?
- My birthday.
79
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It's not working.
80
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It's just four digits.
The month and day.
81
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Nope.
82
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Let me see.
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Yeah. There.
84
00:05:07,642 --> 00:05:09,352
What number were you putting in?
85
00:05:11,104 --> 00:05:12,480
Uh...
86
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- You don't know my birthday, do you?
- Yes, I do.
87
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- When is it?
- May.
88
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May what?
89
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I'm not gonna say your password out loud,
that is not secure.
90
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You don't know
your own husband's birthday!
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- You don't know everything about me.
- Your birthday is December second.
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You grew up on Perkin Street.
93
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The last four digits of your social
are seven-six-two-one.
94
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And the odds of me letting
you forget this are zero! (CHUCKLES)
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Oh, look at us, our last Thanksgiving
as husband and wife.
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- Hello.
- Hi.
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- Ready for the aquarium?
- I am.
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And in an effort to reduce awkwardness
as we learn how to function as friends,
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I printed out a list of safe topics
for polite conversation.
100
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If that makes you more comfortable.
101
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If there were a list of things
that make me more comfortable,
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lists would be on the top of that list.
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Okay, now, oh, since last we spoke,
have you acquired any pets?
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No. You?
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No.
106
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Um, since last we spoke,
have you planned or gone on any vacations?
107
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I might go visit my aunt next week.
108
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- Your aunt in Modesto?
- No. The one in Bakersfield.
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Bakersfield, I see.
110
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Where has this list been all my life?
111
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We're gonna have you washing dishes.
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Uh, aprons and rubber gloves are here.
Just scrape, wash and stack.
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If you need me, I'll be around.
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So we don't even get to be
up front where the action is?
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What difference does it make?
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I don't know. I was hoping some poor kid
would come up to me and say,
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(IN BRITISH ACCENT)
"Please, sir. I want some more."
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You're in a soup kitchen,
not a production of Oliver!
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(IN NORMAL ACCENT)
It's not like I'm expecting them to sing.
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Then the next day was 73 degrees,
then the day after that was 72,
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and then it was 72 again,
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then it was 74,
and that brings us to today, at...
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I'd wear shorts if I had a pair, 78.
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Are we done discussing the weather?
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I don't know if I'd call it "discussing,"
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you kind of sat back
and let me do all the work.
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Let's see what's next on the list. Oh!
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Uh, do you whittle,
and if so what kind of knife do you--
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Sheldon!
We've known each other a long time.
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We are perfectly capable
of having a conversation
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without relying
on a list off the Internet.
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All right, what should we talk about?
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I don't know, just ask me
whatever comes to mind.
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Very well.
I know you've been seeing other men.
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Have you had coitus with any of them?
136
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Man, I walked right into that one.
137
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Next, we need a teaspoon of pepper,
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which I believe was also the name
of your childhood dog.
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Fine, you think you know so much?
140
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- Who's my favorite Spice Girl?
- Baby.
141
00:08:33,598 --> 00:08:35,057
- Who's my favorite member of NSYNC?
- Justin.
142
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- Who's my favorite Backstreet Boy?
- (SCOFFS) Nice try, NSYNC forever.
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Damn it!
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(CHUCKLES) Face it, you can't stump me.
I am the king of husbands.
145
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I know you don't like that lingerie
that I got you on Valentine's Day,
146
00:08:46,485 --> 00:08:49,071
I know you hate the word "moist,"
I know you don't--
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Hang on, wait, wait.
Why don't I like the lingerie you got me?
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Because it's orange and you think
it makes you look like a slutty carrot.
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Interesting. I never told you that.
150
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- Sure, you did.
- No, I never told anyone that.
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But I did write it in my journal.
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(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) What?
153
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I didn't know you had a journal.
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I also know your voice
gets higher when you're lying.
155
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(IN LOW-PITCHED VOICE) No, it doesn't.
156
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- Huh, this reminds me of high school.
- You worked in a restaurant?
157
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No, I was in India.
It was humid and smelled funny.
158
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All right, I think I'm getting
into a groove here. This isn't so bad.
159
00:09:42,375 --> 00:09:44,502
Yeah, only five hours
and 40 minutes to go.
160
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We've only been doing this 20 minutes?
161
00:09:48,839 --> 00:09:52,593
You know, I read that washing dishes
can be an excellent form of meditation.
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The key is that while washing the dishes,
one should only be "washing the dishes."
163
00:10:00,017 --> 00:10:04,355
Just because you have that accent
doesn't mean what you say isn't stupid.
164
00:10:05,648 --> 00:10:08,818
No, seriously,
it's about being present in the moment.
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00:10:09,026 --> 00:10:13,698
Focusing on the feeling of the warm water.
The smell of the detergent,
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the sound of the dishes squeaking
and following your own breath.
167
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It's about simply being.
168
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Huh? (CHUCKLES)
169
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Okay, I'll try it.
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(BREATHING DEEPLY)
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- I need three people out front.
- I'll do it!
172
00:10:32,550 --> 00:10:33,759
RAJ: Me!
EMILY: Right here!
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No fair, I was meditating!
174
00:10:40,224 --> 00:10:41,600
Oh, come on, don't be mad.
175
00:10:41,809 --> 00:10:44,061
It was a long time ago
and it was an accident.
176
00:10:44,353 --> 00:10:45,771
How can reading my journal be an accident?
177
00:10:46,022 --> 00:10:49,317
I didn't even know what it was. I saw it
on your nightstand, I picked it up.
178
00:10:49,483 --> 00:10:51,235
Well, when you realized what it was,
why didn't you stop?
179
00:10:51,444 --> 00:10:53,738
(SCOFFS) You know me,
I'm a big ol' bookworm.
180
00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:57,825
- Let's just finish cooking.
- (STUTTERING)
181
00:10:58,117 --> 00:10:59,869
Let me make this up to you.
182
00:11:00,077 --> 00:11:03,998
Sometimes, I keep an online journal.
I want you to read something that I wrote.
183
00:11:04,206 --> 00:11:05,249
Really, I'm fine.
184
00:11:05,499 --> 00:11:09,253
Uh, okay, then I'll just read it to you.
It's from the day that we first met.
185
00:11:10,087 --> 00:11:11,380
(CLEARS THROAT)
186
00:11:12,173 --> 00:11:15,551
- "Beauty, thy name is Penny--"
- Oh, God, stop.
187
00:11:17,053 --> 00:11:19,263
I don't want you to read
something you think'll just butter me up.
188
00:11:19,472 --> 00:11:21,265
I wanna hear
the most recent thing you wrote.
189
00:11:21,849 --> 00:11:22,975
Fine.
190
00:11:23,476 --> 00:11:24,894
(HUMMING AWKWARDLY)
191
00:11:27,563 --> 00:11:33,277
"Penny's beauty, like our love,
grows more with each passing day."
192
00:11:33,569 --> 00:11:34,653
Does it really say that?
193
00:11:35,863 --> 00:11:37,365
Why would I lie?
194
00:11:40,451 --> 00:11:46,916
"OMG, OMG, We're so close to
the new Star Wars. I can't take it. Gah."
195
00:11:48,626 --> 00:11:49,877
"Gah"?
196
00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:54,382
Well you didn't read it right.
The new Star Wars is coming, gah!
197
00:12:01,472 --> 00:12:03,641
I'm sensing things have gotten awkward.
198
00:12:04,558 --> 00:12:06,143
No, it's okay.
199
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:09,397
If we're friends,
we should be able to talk about anything.
200
00:12:09,647 --> 00:12:10,981
All right.
201
00:12:11,482 --> 00:12:15,361
So, you had some questions
about me seeing other people.
202
00:12:16,445 --> 00:12:18,280
- Just a few.
- Go ahead.
203
00:12:19,657 --> 00:12:22,535
How many dates have you been on?
Who were they with?
204
00:12:22,827 --> 00:12:25,663
Where did you go? Where did you meet them?
Did you sleep with them?
205
00:12:25,871 --> 00:12:29,125
And how much longer to the aquarium?
I'm getting kind of hungry.
206
00:12:31,001 --> 00:12:32,420
Let's see... (SIGHS)
207
00:12:33,003 --> 00:12:36,215
I've been on six dates
with three different people.
208
00:12:36,841 --> 00:12:38,968
It was either for coffee or dinner.
209
00:12:39,385 --> 00:12:42,596
One I met at a bookstore
and two I met online.
210
00:12:43,347 --> 00:12:46,517
I haven't slept with anyone,
the aquarium is 40 minutes away,
211
00:12:46,684 --> 00:12:49,270
and there's a baggie of Cheerios for you
in the glove compartment.
212
00:12:50,479 --> 00:12:52,440
Is that regular or Honey Nut?
213
00:12:53,232 --> 00:12:54,567
I mixed them.
214
00:12:54,859 --> 00:12:59,029
You mixed them. No wonder gentleman
callers are pounding down your door.
215
00:13:01,782 --> 00:13:03,659
Do you have any questions for me?
216
00:13:06,287 --> 00:13:07,371
Just one.
217
00:13:08,998 --> 00:13:10,332
Are you doing okay?
218
00:13:12,543 --> 00:13:13,669
I am.
219
00:13:15,045 --> 00:13:16,088
Good.
220
00:13:17,047 --> 00:13:19,133
(STUTTERS) I want you to be happy.
221
00:13:20,301 --> 00:13:21,343
I believe you.
222
00:13:25,556 --> 00:13:28,100
I'd believe you more if you threw
a few Apple Jacks in here.
223
00:13:32,396 --> 00:13:33,939
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
224
00:13:35,483 --> 00:13:36,692
You gotta be kidding me.
225
00:13:37,193 --> 00:13:38,235
Sorry?
226
00:13:38,819 --> 00:13:41,989
- (SHUDDERING) You're Elon Musk.
- I am.
227
00:13:47,745 --> 00:13:49,914
(STUTTERING) What are you doing here?
228
00:13:50,456 --> 00:13:51,999
I'm washing dishes.
229
00:13:53,501 --> 00:13:55,377
Well, I was on the turkey line,
but I got demoted
230
00:13:55,586 --> 00:13:57,379
for being too generous with the gravy.
231
00:14:00,049 --> 00:14:03,427
Oh, man... (CHUCKLING)
What an honor to meet you.
232
00:14:04,512 --> 00:14:09,934
(GASPS) I'm such a fan of Tesla
and SpaceX. All your companies.
233
00:14:10,184 --> 00:14:13,229
- Howard Wolowitz, Caltech.
- Nice to meet you, Howard.
234
00:14:13,437 --> 00:14:15,731
Feels great to come down here
and help the less fortunate, huh?
235
00:14:16,106 --> 00:14:17,274
Oh, yeah.
236
00:14:18,817 --> 00:14:21,946
Nothing better than helping people.
237
00:14:24,198 --> 00:14:28,953
Which is something I realized
when I was viewing Earth
238
00:14:29,286 --> 00:14:31,997
from the deck
of the International Space Station
239
00:14:32,623 --> 00:14:35,584
where I spent two months
as a payload specialist,
240
00:14:35,793 --> 00:14:39,797
a job I was qualified for
because I'm an MIT-trained engineer.
241
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:44,093
And I thought I ladled the gravy on thick.
242
00:14:46,136 --> 00:14:48,806
Sorry. It's just... You're you...
(CHUCKLES)
243
00:14:49,431 --> 00:14:51,475
And I really want you to adopt me.
244
00:14:52,726 --> 00:14:55,646
Well, you're here on Thanksgiving,
so you're probably a good person.
245
00:14:55,896 --> 00:14:57,898
Oh, I made my wife come down, too.
246
00:15:00,025 --> 00:15:02,111
You think you might ever
get back out to space?
247
00:15:02,820 --> 00:15:05,990
Is that a job offer?
'Cause I really wanna go to Mars.
248
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:07,658
Assuming I can bring my wife.
249
00:15:07,825 --> 00:15:10,536
She hardly takes up any room.
She's basically a carry-on.
250
00:15:12,162 --> 00:15:14,748
Well, we're not quite there yet,
but we're always looking for engineers.
251
00:15:14,999 --> 00:15:16,667
So let me give you my email,
we can stay in touch.
252
00:15:17,126 --> 00:15:18,168
Thank you.
253
00:15:18,419 --> 00:15:19,670
(HOWARD GASPS)
254
00:15:20,671 --> 00:15:21,672
Oh, look.
255
00:15:21,922 --> 00:15:25,342
Someone hardly touched their pumpkin pie.
Want to share it with me?
256
00:15:28,262 --> 00:15:32,933
A partially eaten piece of pumpkin pie
from a homeless shelter?
257
00:15:33,183 --> 00:15:34,768
With Elon Musk? You bet I do!
258
00:15:40,858 --> 00:15:45,696
You know, for a Thanksgiving buffet in an
aquarium cafeteria, that was really bad.
259
00:15:47,072 --> 00:15:49,158
You're just upset
'cause they ran out of pilgrim hats.
260
00:15:49,700 --> 00:15:52,244
They gave one to that baby,
he wasn't even awake.
261
00:15:53,621 --> 00:15:56,832
Well, it wouldn't be a holiday
without you being mad at a baby.
262
00:15:59,251 --> 00:16:02,504
Oh, would you care to play
an ocean-themed game I invented?
263
00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:06,216
- Sure, what is it?
- It's called Food, Friend, Fight.
264
00:16:06,425 --> 00:16:10,054
One of us chooses three aquatic creatures
and the other one must decide
265
00:16:10,262 --> 00:16:12,640
which he would eat, befriend, or battle.
266
00:16:14,266 --> 00:16:16,185
So it's like Kiss, Marry, Kill.
267
00:16:16,602 --> 00:16:17,645
What is that?
268
00:16:17,811 --> 00:16:19,730
It's a game where
you're given three people
269
00:16:19,897 --> 00:16:22,107
and you choose
which one you'd kiss, marry, or kill.
270
00:16:22,775 --> 00:16:26,820
Well, my game is better because instead
of marrying someone, you get to eat them.
271
00:16:27,696 --> 00:16:28,781
Let's just play.
272
00:16:29,073 --> 00:16:34,745
I'll start you off easy.
Electric eel, puffer fish, shrimp.
273
00:16:35,788 --> 00:16:36,914
Hmm.
274
00:16:37,122 --> 00:16:39,124
Well, I wouldn't fight the eel
275
00:16:39,333 --> 00:16:41,919
because I know it can generate
enough current to kill a horse.
276
00:16:42,419 --> 00:16:46,799
So I'd eat the eel, fight the shrimp,
and befriend the puffer fish
277
00:16:47,007 --> 00:16:50,052
because it would be nice to have
company on those days I feel bloated.
278
00:16:51,637 --> 00:16:53,555
- Very well done.
- Thank you.
279
00:16:53,806 --> 00:16:55,140
Okay, your turn.
280
00:16:55,808 --> 00:16:59,436
Um... Seal, hagfish...
281
00:17:00,771 --> 00:17:02,981
SpongeBob SquarePants.
282
00:17:04,024 --> 00:17:07,361
Well, I'd befriend SpongeBob, but he's not
real, so I can't do that, can I?
283
00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:09,822
But you can pal around with a hagfish?
284
00:17:09,988 --> 00:17:11,824
Hey, let's not pull at that thread.
285
00:17:12,950 --> 00:17:15,411
Okay, I'll fight SpongeBob.
286
00:17:15,619 --> 00:17:19,081
Because he's so friendly,
we'll just end up tickling each other.
287
00:17:19,289 --> 00:17:21,959
Um, I'll befriend the seal
because he's trainable,
288
00:17:22,126 --> 00:17:24,461
which was the problem I'm having
with my current friends.
289
00:17:24,628 --> 00:17:27,548
Which means I'll have to eat the hagfish.
290
00:17:28,632 --> 00:17:29,717
Isn't that gross?
291
00:17:29,925 --> 00:17:33,053
A hagfish can produce enough mucus
to fill a bucket in a minute.
292
00:17:33,512 --> 00:17:36,473
I know. It makes its own gravy,
it'll slide right down.
293
00:17:41,979 --> 00:17:43,313
I miss this.
294
00:17:46,024 --> 00:17:49,194
How can you miss a game
you've never played before, silly?
295
00:17:49,528 --> 00:17:50,779
(AMY CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
296
00:17:51,822 --> 00:17:53,490
Guess sometimes I'm silly.
297
00:17:57,077 --> 00:17:59,997
Hey, where'd you go?
I can't tell if the turkey's done.
298
00:18:00,164 --> 00:18:01,540
LEONARD: Be right there.
299
00:18:09,381 --> 00:18:11,341
- Hi, lover.
- (GASPS)
300
00:18:13,886 --> 00:18:16,054
What are you doing?
301
00:18:16,346 --> 00:18:18,807
I'm sorry about the journal
and I want to make it up to you,
302
00:18:19,016 --> 00:18:22,936
so I'm going to let you post
a shame photo of me on Facebook.
303
00:18:26,023 --> 00:18:29,359
I am not putting that on the Internet!
I don't want people to see this.
304
00:18:29,568 --> 00:18:30,986
I don't want to see it!
305
00:18:32,571 --> 00:18:36,283
(CHUCKLES) You don't want people
to see what, huh? A little bit of this?
306
00:18:36,450 --> 00:18:37,826
Oh...
307
00:18:41,455 --> 00:18:42,706
Some of this?
308
00:18:45,667 --> 00:18:49,421
And since it's Thanksgiving,
an extra helping of this.
309
00:18:51,298 --> 00:18:52,424
Happy Thanks--
310
00:19:01,892 --> 00:19:03,560
I'm glad you had a nice time with Amy.
311
00:19:03,936 --> 00:19:08,440
Uh-- Me, too. It's comforting to know that
she and I are able to function as friends.
312
00:19:08,732 --> 00:19:10,859
Well, I've never been friends
with any of my exes.
313
00:19:11,068 --> 00:19:13,570
Oh, I'm sure you and Leonard
will be able to pull it off.
314
00:19:14,947 --> 00:19:16,448
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
315
00:19:17,950 --> 00:19:19,576
Oh, it's my friend Amy.
316
00:19:20,285 --> 00:19:22,162
- Hello.
- Hi, Sheldon
317
00:19:22,454 --> 00:19:24,206
I'm just driving home from my mother's.
318
00:19:24,414 --> 00:19:27,084
- Did you have a nice time?
- I did.
319
00:19:27,584 --> 00:19:28,919
Um...
320
00:19:29,253 --> 00:19:33,006
Listen, I really enjoyed
spending this morning with you.
321
00:19:33,173 --> 00:19:35,217
Oh, well, I can't take all the credit.
322
00:19:35,425 --> 00:19:38,971
It was pretty funny when that one
anchovy started going the wrong way.
323
00:19:39,263 --> 00:19:40,931
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
324
00:19:41,265 --> 00:19:44,268
It was. Uh, listen...
325
00:19:45,602 --> 00:19:50,440
I was thinking that, um, maybe I'm ready
to be your girlfriend again.
326
00:19:52,609 --> 00:19:53,819
Oh?
327
00:19:55,445 --> 00:19:57,447
I thought we were just friends.
328
00:19:57,865 --> 00:20:02,327
We are. But I was hoping, maybe--
329
00:20:02,578 --> 00:20:07,332
Amy, I excel at many things,
but getting over you wasn't one of them.
330
00:20:10,168 --> 00:20:12,713
I think I need to just be your friend.
331
00:20:14,965 --> 00:20:17,801
Okay. I understand.
332
00:20:20,262 --> 00:20:21,305
SHELDON: Good.
333
00:20:22,180 --> 00:20:25,475
Oh, I watched a video
of the hagfish producing mucus,
334
00:20:25,684 --> 00:20:28,812
so I'm going to change
my answer and eat SpongeBob.
335
00:20:30,188 --> 00:20:31,565
(SHAKILY) Okay, sure.
336
00:21:01,136 --> 00:21:02,137
English - SDH